The Driven Wild Universe (1999 - present)
by Kara Wild
Summary: The last episode, #20 Memory Road is up. Helen decides to go home and confess to Jake, only to be restrained by Amy, who has other ideas. Meanwhile, Daria and Quinn learn what they least wanted to know.
1. Rose-Colored Lenses

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics... 

This is a revised version of "Rose-Colored Lenses" [June 1999]. I've weeded out most of the annoying camera angles, allowing for easier reading... which means a pain-free introduction to my chronology. :-)

This is my first fanfic, so I hope I don't sound as though I've been stealing from other fanfics that I've read. If so, I'm sorry... I'll develop a more unique style in time.

Oh, and those who are visually-challenged who read this may want to leave their judgment at the door...... Enjoy!!!

[intro theme music..........................]

ROSE-COLORED LENSES byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (lockers after school.)

(Shot of Quinn and the Fashion Club standing there, chattering on about their favorite subject.)

SANDI: I hope Cashman's has those capri pants I saw in Waif. I would look so cute in those.

TIFFANY: You would.

SANDI: And Quinn, maybe we could try on -- oops! (pats her face, fakes a memory lapse. Bt) That's right - you can't go 'cause you have that thing.

TIFFANY: Oh yeah, that eye thing.

QUINN: (a bit annoyed) Yeah, you keep reminding me.

SANDI: (faux remorse) It's just such a bummer you can't be with us, that's all.

QUINN: (downcast) I know! I tried to get out of it, I mean he's my geeky cousin's optimist guy, so why should I go to him?!!

F.C: Right.

QUINN: (continuing) But he lays this big guilt trip on my mom, saying how my chart shows I haven't had an eye exam in, like, six years, so my mom freaks out and now I'm stuck getting my eyes experimented on when I should be where I belong -- hunting down the latest fashions with the rest of you guys!

F.C: Right.

TIFFANY: Those eye machines are so creepy.

SANDI: (smirking) And they make you look like a big geek.

(Quinn shudders a little.)

QUINN: All they'll find out is that my eyes are fine. Unlike some people, I've got perfect vision.

SANDI: (faux modesty) I know what you mean. When those eye people did their experiments on me, they found out I had 20/15 vision.

QUINN: (wary. a little jealous) Really?

TIFFANY: Whoa, that's amazing, Sandi. They found out the same thing about me when I went last year.

(Quinn frowns.)

QUINN: Hmmmm...

STACY: I've got 20/10 vision!

F.C: (genuine surprise) Whoa!!!

SANDI: (coolly impressed) So I suppose that means you can see through walls, or something.

STACY: No, but I can read those little labels on clothes, the kind that tell you whether the all-cotton you bought is really all cotton, or just a poly-blend.

F.C: Wow...

QUINN: (to Stacy. encouraging) An untapped talent. This could mean big things for you, Stacy.

STACY: (thrilled at the validation) Thanks, Quinn!!! (looks for another way to impress her, sees a girl down the hall, off screen, and points in her direction) Hey Quinn, do you think the polka dots on that girl's sleeve are this season or last season?

(Quinn looks, squints. Cut to shot from her P.O.V. -- the girl looks like a fuzzy blob. resume wide shot. Sandi notices Quinn's difficulty and smirks.)

QUINN: (scoffing. a little embarrassed) Who cares, the whole outfit is last season.

SANDI: (still smirking) Oh really?

(Quinn laughs nervously and glances behind her. She then notices Daria, who has sneaked up behind her during this conversation. )

QUINN: Agh!!! (She backs away. Daria smirks.)

F.C: Ewwwwww!!! (They back away a couple of steps)

QUINN: (fuming) I told you, Daria -- you have to keep five feet away from me at all times, at least. Ten if I'm with a guy!

DARIA: (devilish, feigning innocence) Oops, must've slipped my mind, siiiiiiiiii (sees Quinn's alarmed expression)... coz.

(Bt)

SANDI: (a bit unruffled) Well, Quinn, now that that girl's here, maybe you should go to your eye thing and leave the rest of us to try and survive in your absence.

DARIA: (to herself) Shopping -- a life of despair, death, and superficiality cast over an abyss of sorrow. [see postscript]

F.C: (not hearing her) Bye, Quinn! (They walk away.)

STACY: We'll miss you!

(Daria rolls her eyes. Quinn calls out to the F.C., now off screen.)

QUINN: Bye guys! I'll be fine, I mean my vision's probably improved with age -- lots of things do!

DARIA: (deadpan) Like hair color or skin.

(Quinn turns to her, irritated.)

QUINN: Ha-ha, Daria, very funny. (Bt) And would you get away from me?!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (a residential sidewalk)

(Shot from the side of Quinn and Daria walking, Quinn several paces ahead. Music plays [I don't know what because I don't follow the latest trends!] Cut to frontal shot with Quinn in the foreground, Daria in the background.)

QUINN: (still fuming) I still don't see why you have to go with me! I mean everyone already knows you have vision problems!

DARIA: (calling out) What?! I can't hear you!

(Quinn sighs, exasperated. Turns around, walks toward Daria.)

QUINN: I s'pose we're far enough out of range that no one from school will see me with you.

(Cut to frontal shot of Daria and Quinn walking.)

DARIA: (deadpan. slightly annoyed) That's a good thing for both of us.

QUINN: So do you plan to just drop me off and leave?

DARIA: Noooo, believe it or not, I've got business with Dr. Gordon myself. I'm changing my contact lenses.

(Quinn utters a short laugh.)

QUINN: (sarcastic) To one's you'll actually wear?

(Daria frowns at her.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (optometrist's office)

(Shot of the outside of the medical building -- the same one from "Through a Lens Darkly." Cut to shot of the inside of a waiting room, Daria and Quinn standing with Dr. Gordon. At their left is a receptionist's desk. Along the back wall: a corridor which leads to the exam room and row-upon-row of glasses frames. At their right is a magazine-covered table and several chairs.)

DR. GORDON: (to Daria) So, your contacts have worn out with use, have they?

QUINN: (muttering) Unuse is more like it.

DARIA: (turning to Quinn. phony sweetness) Touché, sis. You're really nailing the one-liners today.

(Dr. Gordon sighs.)

DR. GORDON: You know, Daria, if you just --

DARIA: Nope.

DR. GORDON: But if you just thought --

DARIA: I have.

DR. GORDON: You know, you could really... (gives up. exasperated). Well, have it your way. I've got a softer pair in my office. Maybe that (cut to frontal shot of Daria as he says this) will make you change your mind.

(Daria smirks knowingly.)

QUINN: (to Dr. Gordon. hopeful) Yeah, and then after that she can just head on home, right?

DR. GORDON: Actually, Quinn, I'd rather she stick around and help you walk home. We've gotta dilate your eyes -- you haven't had that done for a while, have you?! (He says this last bit in a jolly tone, gives Quinn a phony jab in the ribs.)

(Quinn gasps, horrified. Daria sighs -- she doesn't want to stay, but sees she has no choice.)

DARIA: Fine. Why see vampire dentists on "Sick Sad World" when I can watch my sister stumble around with zombie eyes, instead?

DR. GORDON: Come on, Quinn...

(Quinn follows him, terrified expression.)

(fade-out. fade-in to waiting room a short time later. Daria is pacing around, obviously bored. Cut to close-up of male receptionist at his desk.)

RECEPTIONIST: (helpful tone) There are some really nice magazines on the table if you want to read them.

(cut to close-up Daria, looking at receptionist. She shrugs, unenthused, then trudges over to the magazine table. Stands over it, reads aloud titles on the magazine covers.)

DARIA: (reading) Waif... Capri Pants, the new slenderizer. (Bt) T.V. Land Special Fall Preview... 1986. (to herself) A hallmark year in entertainment. (Bt. resumes reading) Va--

(Sees that it's an issue of VAL. Close up shot of the words "bummer culture." resume shot of Daria by the table. Glances around, then stacks other magazines on top of VAL.)

DARIA: (resumes reading. slightly sarcastic) Glasses World. (Pause. eyes widen. surprised tone) Erotic Eyewear?!

(cut to close-up receptionist)

RECEPTIONIST: That's one of our favorites.

(cut to close-up Daria. She turns around, unnerved that the receptionist was listening. Hesitates, then reaches toward the magazine. Is about to turn a page, when off screen, she hears sound of Quinn screaming. Pause, then: )

DR. GORDON: (off screen) Daria!

(Daria snatches her hand back)

DARIA: Last time I checked.

(Dr. Gordon walks quickly toward her.)

DR. GORDON: (nervous) I need your help. Um... I couldn't talk your sister into looking through the refraction machine.

DARIA: So you tried shock inducers instead?

DR. GORDON: Could you please just come with me and convince her to stay in the chair?!

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: I guess. (follows Dr. Gordon out of the waiting room) That's why they pay me the five-fifty an hour...

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Dr. Gordon's exam room)

(Shot of a chair and refraction machine in the foreground, a door in the background. Quinn is cowering behind the chair. We then see the door open, and Dr. Gordon and Daria walking through. Daria stops, looks at Quinn, and frowns.)

DARIA: Quinn, what are you doing?

QUINN: (freaked) I can't look through that thing, Daria. It's all creepy and it's got big bug eyes and it makes me look like a bug and if Sandi, Stacy, or Tiffany ever saw me here I'd just die!

DARIA: (to Dr. Gordon) Vanity crisis. I'll handle this. (Daria walks over and stands by the chair.) Quinn, your friends won't see you here. They're braving the foxholes at Cashman's, remember?

(Quinn nods, somewhat encouraged.)

DARIA: So why don't you just sit in the chair and get the eye exam over with? Then we can forget this day ever happened.

(Quinn nods.)

QUINN: Okay....

(She creeps out from behind the chair and slides in. Dr. Gordon rewards her with a goofy thumbs-up.)

DR. GORDON: Now there's a girl!

(Meanwhile, Quinn's looking more relaxed. She swings her legs.)

QUINN: This isn't so bad. (stops swinging legs, gets an alarmed expression. turns to Daria, worried) You won't tell anyone what I looked like in this thing, will you??!!

DARIA: (droll) Not a chance. (flashes her thumbs in an imitation of Dr. Gordon)

(Quinn smiles at her timidly. Then Daria lays down her arms and smirks.)

DARIA: And if Spiderman crawls by looking for a date, I'll tell him to take a number.

(Quinn gets horrified expression, which quickly changes to a glare. Dr. Gordon groans and rolls his eyes.)

(fade-out. fade-in reveals short passage of time. Shot of Quinn sitting in the foreground, looking through the refraction machine, Daria sitting unobtrusively in the background. She's in the room to lend support in case Quinn freaks out again, and also because she thinks that this could be even more entertaining than "Erotic Eyewear.")

DR. GORDON: (off screen) Okay, Quinn, why don't you read me the letters in the second-to-last row?

(cut to shot of the eye chart)

QUINN: (off screen) Um... okay. Q... P... Z... um, I... um... three...

(cut to close-up of Daria, watching Quinn)

DR. GORDON: (off screen) Quinn, there are no numbers on this chart.

QUINN: (off screen. insistent) Well it looks like a three!

(Daria turns to look at the eye chart. Her eyes widen, indicating that Quinn is completely wrong.)

(fade-out. fade-in shows another short passage of time. Close-up shot of Daria gazing in Quinn's direction, frowning and shaking her head.)

DR. GORDON: (off screen. sounds exasperated and tired) Okay, Quinn, now I'm going to cover your right eye, and then you read me the letters in the second-to-last row.

(cut to close-up of Quinn looking through the refraction machine. From off screen left, a hand reaches up and flicks a switch near one of the lenses. Pause. Quinn is silent.)

DR. GORDON: (off screen) Okay, Quinn.

(Quinn is still silent. cut to close-up of Daria, watching her expectantly. resume close-up of Quinn.)

DR. GORDON: (off screen) Quinn, you can read the letters out now.

QUINN: (exasperated) Well I will once you put the eye chart back up!

(fade-out, fade-in. Close-up of Daria. She has a hand clapped to her forehead, wears a "this is unbelievable" expression.)

DR. GORDON: (off screen) O-kaaay, Quinn, now just follow this pen with your eyes. Follow... follow... follow... f -- damn!

(final fade-out, fade-in. Daria and Quinn sit at a large desk, their backs to us, across from Dr. Gordon. Dr. Gordon wears a serious expression.)

DR. GORDON: (hesitant) Well, Quinn, these are some very interesting results.

(Before he can go any further, Quinn breaks in. Her eyes are enlarged -- think "glitter berries" look in "The Teachings of Don Jake" -- from pupil dilation.)

QUINN: (on a different track) So these eye drop thingys will wear off in a few hours, right? 'Cause I have outfits I need to try on for tonight and it's important that I see the shade and texture of the clothes or else I --

(Meanwhile, Daria gazes sideways at her, looking sheepish because she knows what's coming next. Dr. Gordon interrupts.)

DR. GORDON: Quinn, I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) Your tests indicate that your vision has suffered a decline since your last exam.

(Quinn suddenly looks nervous. She utters a little nervous laugh.)

QUINN: Oh really? How much of a decline?

(Pause)

DR. GORDON: Well, when you were ten, you had 20/20 vision. (Bt) Now you have 20/100 vision.

(Quinn gasps.)

QUINN: (freaked) So what does that mean??!!

DR. GORDON: It means you can only see at twenty feet what everyone else can --

QUINN: (waving her arms in the air. shouting) I know what it means!!! I just didn't want to hear it!!!

(Bt)

DARIA: (to Dr. Gordon) I think you've rubbed enough salt in her wounds.

(Dr. Gordon sighs.)

DR. GORDON: The bottom line to this, Quinn, is (Bt. cut to dramatic close-up of his mouth) you're going to need glasses.

(cut to close-up of Quinn. She looks horrified.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. We hear Daria's voice-over. While she speaks, cut to shot of the family eating the usual for dinner. Helen's listening to Daria, looking stunned and chastened. Meanwhile Quinn, her eyes still a bit dilated, is slumped over and looks depressed. The whole time Daria's been saying: )

DARIA: ... So then he said, even if it does have over a thousand mall locations, Glasses in a Half-Hour isn't exactly the most reliable place to get your kid an eye exam.

HELEN: (recalling. futile despair) But dammit, I only had a half-hour! The Morrisons' lawyers were breathing down my neck and if I didn't cut a deal with them soon they said they'd --

DARIA: (patient) Mom, the point is that they probably messed up when they checked Quinn's vision six years ago. It's probably been going downhill for a long time.

(Quinn moans.)

HELEN: (still upset) Well I just don't believe -- Jake, pay attention!

(Jake's been making a smiley face with his bacon and lasagna. He looks up, startled.)

JAKE: Huh? I was!

HELEN: (to Daria) I mean, can't she at least get contact lenses???

DARIA: (deadpan, but clearly finds humor in the situation) He said, not with the astigmatism she's got.

(Quinn suddenly explodes.)

QUINN: I don't see why, then, he won't let me get the freakin' laser treatment!

DARIA: (frank) Quinn, no laser invented could cure all the stuff that's wrong with your eyes.

(Helen glares at Daria.)

HELEN: Daria, try to be a little more sensitive.

(Quinn's also glaring at her.)

QUINN: Oh no, Mom, let her talk. You know she's enjoying this. She gets to see me become a freak like her!

(Daria smirks innocently. )

HELEN: Listen, Quinn, I -- (interrupted by the phone ringing nearby) I'll get back to you in a second. (picks up phone)

DARIA: (under her breath) Saved by good ol' Eric.

HELEN: (crooning voice) Helllloooo? Hi Eric! No of course I don't mind you calling at this hour -- (voice fades into the background)

QUINN: (bitter) I don't care what that stupid doctor said. There's no way I'm gonna wear a pair of geeky-looking glasses!

DARIA: I'm sure there are enough pairs of cute looking glasses around that you wouldn't have to make that choice. May I suggest wire rims?

QUINN: Just shut up, Daria!

(Bt)

DARIA: (getting serious) Look, Quinn, how do you plan on getting by without glasses, now that Dr. Gordon says you need them?

(Quinn suddenly backs out her chair and stands up.)

QUINN: The same way I always have! (cringes at the brightness of the room -- her eyes are still dilated.) And dammit, can't someone dim the lights in this freakin' house?! I can't stand it anymore!! (runs off screen)

(Jake and Daria watch her go.)

JAKE: (calling) Quinn, honey, why don't you tell ol' dad your problem?

(Daria gives him a "too little, too late" glare. Meanwhile Helen, in the midst of a pause, has managed to observe this turn of events. She decides to do the unthinkable -- interrupt her call.)

HELEN: (apologetic tone) Eric, can I call you back?

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (upstairs of Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(music plays. Shot of hallway outside of Quinn's room. Her door is slightly open -- we hear her talking on the phone to Sandi. From off screen left, Helen walks over to Quinn's door and stands beside it. She looks uncertain about what to do next.)

QUINN: (from inside room) She did?... I can't believe that, I mean she knows that's about three years out of style -- why would she do something like that?!

(cut to inside shot of Quinn's room. Quinn is lying on her bed, balancing the cordless phone on one ear while flipping through an issue of Waif.)

QUINN: Uh-huh... yeah, well I was, but I can't go out with my eyes all blurry can I, I mean how would I co-ordinate my wardrobe? Uh-huh... Sandi, I told you they're normal. The exam was, like, a total bore, but at least I avoided that creepy eye machine you all were talking about. Uh-huh... uh-huh... mmm-hmm... 'kay, well have fun without me, Sandi. Bye. (hangs up)

(cut to shot of Quinn's door. Helen peers through.)

HELEN: Quinn, can I come in?

(resume shot of Quinn in her room. She looks startled. Thinks her mom wants the phone.)

QUINN: (exasperated) O-kay Mom, I get that you really need to use the phone -- here. (holds it up)

(Pause. Helen walks over to her, makes a motion that tells her to lay the phone down.)

HELEN: (serious) Actually, Quinn, I wanted to have a one-on-one with you about glasses.

(Quinn looks down at her magazine, frowning slightly)

QUINN: (subdued) I stand by my decision.

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: Quinn, you can't go without glasses, not when -- (realizes this won't get through to her, decides to use a different approach. Helen sits down on Quinn's bed. Her voice takes on intimate tone.) You know, Quinn, sometimes I think you and Daria shortchange yourselves.

(Quinn's eyeing the magazine, looking bored.)

QUINN: What d'you mean?

HELEN: I mean... well, what I mean is, you two cling so tenaciously to your social identities, and --

QUINN: (interrupts, flatly) In English, Mom.

(Pause)

HELEN: Quinn, you used to be a good student.

(Pause. Quinn frowns.)

QUINN: Not as good as Daria.

HELEN: Well n-- (realizes this admission could get her in trouble) But, you still did very well until you reached your teens. That's when your grades started to slip.

(Meanwhile, Quinn's still frowning, but her eyes drift toward Helen, showing she's listening.)

HELEN: (continuing) I just assumed it was because of social worries -- peer pressure, trying to look good in front of the boys... (eyes narrow, goes off on a rant), so that they can do better and get ahead while the girls get left behind in their entry level positions because they lack experience! How do they think we got a glass ceiling --

QUINN: (interrupts. exasperated) Mo-om, where are you going with this?!!

(Bt)

HELEN: (gets back on track. apologetic) Quinn, my point is that I feel partially to blame for the problems you've had with school. I assumed it was a popularity issue and never once thought that maybe your problems were medical.

QUINN: (solemn) Oh.

(Helen reaches over and puts a hand on Quinn's shoulder.)

HELEN: I don't want to see you underestimate yourself in the same way. If glasses can expand your choices in life, then I think you should give them a try.

(cut to close-up of Quinn. Pause. Then Quinn sighs an "I'll think about it" sigh.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Split screen of Quinn cowering behind the optometrist's chair and Daria snatching her hand away from the "Erotic Eyewear" issue.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see three of the lamest commercials put on television.

Bratty little kid spills his drink all over the new white carpet. Mom comes in -- instead of making kid clean up the mess himself, says in a sunny voice, "That's okay!" and proceeds to do it for him. Lesson learned: Mom is my slave. 

Jennifer Love-Hewitt bounces around in a cutesy-poo towel, selling a brand of shampoo that no one remembers because everyone's too busy wondering if the cutesy-poo towel will slip.... 

One of those MasterCard/Visa commercials, where a heart-warming moment costs megabucks. Ball game with your son: $$$$ Trip to Ireland: $$$$$$$$ The love you get: priceless. Of course, you could have gotten that love if you'd just gone on a picnic in the park, but never mind.... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ROSE-COLORED LENSES

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Jane's house, afternoon)

(Outside shot of house. cut to inside shot of Jane's room. Jane's standing at her easel, painting in the tradition of Picasso instead of Goya. Daria lies on Jane's bed, reading The Bell Jar. cut to close-up of Jane's painting. We see it's a face with multiple eyes, each with some major distortion. resume wide shot of Jane and Daria.)

JANE: So explain to me again what made her cave in?

(Daria's holding the book up over her head and flipping through.)

DARIA: I'm not sure I know. My mom said it's because she wanted to be more like me.

JANE: I see, brain damage. (Bt) What happened -- did she almost suffocate on her Mr. Smiley pillow again?

DARIA: No. Though that would explain a lot. (Bt. lays book on her stomach) The weirdest part is that my mom told her being like me is a good thing.

JANE: Hey, haven't I always said you're the favorite one in your family? (Bt, mischievous) Too bad they don't know you like I do.

DARIA: (deadpan) Ha.

JANE: Admit it, your twisted mind's taking heightened pleasure in Quinn's suffering.

DARIA: Why admit the obvious? (Bt) Anyway, it'll be interesting to share my designer egghead apparel with my sister. (Bt. smirks) If we work together, we could confuse the hell out of our parents.

JANE: Or maybe you can be the pretty and popular one of the family, now.

DARIA: (scoffing) Yeah, right.

JANE: Hey, at least you can wear contact lenses. She can't.

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Oh... right. (searches for a different topic. looks at the painting) Hey, um, you really captured the keratoconus of that cornea.

(Jane gets a wicked expression on her face.)

JANE: Wish I could be there when the real Quinn comes back with her glasses.

DARIA: Well, it's pretty much a family affair. But trust me, it couldn't be much worse than the stuff of your imagination. (nods at painting)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (optometrist's office, that same afternoon)

(close-up shot of Helen sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, absorbed in the "Erotic Eyewear" issue of Glasses World. Wears a bemused, aroused expression.)

HELEN: Hmmmmmm... (flips a page)

(Meanwhile, off screen, Quinn's picking out frames for her glasses.)

QUINN: (off screen) Cute... cute... cute... possibly cute... cute... cute... maybe -- oh, why not... cute... cute... cute. (Pause) Mo-om!

(Helen gasps, looks up from the magazine.)

HELEN: Huh, what?! (sees Quinn. eyes narrow) Quinn!

(cut to shot of Quinn. She's holding about twenty different frames and smiling her blissful, oblivious smile.)

QUINN: (chipper) Okay, I think I've found the frames I need to co-ordinate with most of my outfits, some of these are just possibilities but I'm keeping them anyway --

(cut to close-up of the receptionist.)

RECEPTIONIST: (enthusiastic) Great! I'll put it on your bill!

(cut to shot of Quinn.)

QUINN: (continuing) Although I may have to come back another time and --

(cut to close-up Helen, bristling.)

HELEN: (interrupting. no-nonsense) Quinn, you are not keeping all those pairs of glasses. You're getting one pair and one pair only, so you'd better choose wisely!

(cut to shot of Quinn, now crestfallen.)

QUINN: One pair??!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, early evening same day)

(Short musical interlude. outside shot of the house. We see Daria walking up the path to the front door. cut to shot of the front door as seen from the inside. Daria opens it. Stands there. Pause.)

DARIA: (deadpan) You're both home. I guess that means the fun's about to start.

(cut to shot from Daria's P.O.V: Helen and Jake seated on the center of their three couches.)

HELEN: (briskly) Daria, come sit down.

(Pause. From off screen right, Daria walks over to the right hand couch.)

DARIA: So where's our main attraction? (sits down, nearest Helen)

HELEN: She's upstairs, trying on some new outfits that go with her glasses.

(Daria cocks an eyebrow... or eyelid.)

DARIA: New?

(Helen sighs heavily, telling Daria that she was somehow coerced into letting Quinn buy new clothes. Jake, meanwhile, looks hyper-charged.)

JAKE: (enthused. clueless) Well I think it's great! Imagine, Quinn's so happy about getting glasses, she felt like buying a new wardrobe to celebrate!

DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, my thoughts exactly. (Bt) Say Dad, random question: have you ever thought about getting your hearing checked?

JAKE: What for, kiddo? I hear just fine!

(Daria rolls her eyes. Bt. Helen looks sideways off screen. Her face brightens.)

HELEN: Here she comes! (Pause) Oh Quinn, you look lovely. (Pause. leans toward Daria. hissing whisper) Now, I'm counting on you to be supportive, Daria!

(cut to close-up shot Daria. She nods apathetically, then glances upward. resume wide shot of the couches. Quinn is standing with her back to us in the foreground, arms outspread. Her hair is done up in the same style as in "Daria Dance Party." She's dressed in a pink blouse and "slenderizing" capri pants, and carrying a black purse over one shoulder. We can't see her face.)

QUINN: Okay, what d'you think?

(cut to close-up Daria, looking at her. She frowns mildly.)

DARIA: So where are they?

(cut to full frontal shot of Quinn, glasses-free.)

QUINN: (sentimental) I just wanted you all to have one last look at the old me, the real me, before it's all (gasp) gone.

(resume wide shot of the couches. Helen looks slightly exasperated.)

HELEN: Quinn, no one here's going to treat you any differently once you put your glasses on.

JAKE: No way, hon! (pointedly) Right, Daria?

DARIA: (blasé) Uh-huh.

(Quinn suddenly gets a nervous look on her face.)

QUINN: Um... okay, then.

(Quinn glances in Daria's direction, then draws a small black case out of her purse. She opens the case and lowers her face. cut to close-up shot of Jake, Helen, and Daria watching expectantly. A silhouette of Quinn's hand and the glasses passes over the shot. Pause. Then we see Jake, Helen's, and Daria's reactions. Jake and Helen break out into smiles and murmurs, while Daria just stares.)

(cut to close-up Quinn's face. She's wearing glasses that are smaller and thinner-rimmed than Daria's -- think Amy's in "Through a Lens Darkly." The frames are dark brown instead of black. resume wide shot.)

JAKE: (enthused) You look wonderful, sweetheart!!!

HELEN: Oh, Quinn, they're just perfect!

(Meanwhile Daria continues to stare. Quinn smiles timidly, then glances in Daria's direction.)

QUINN: (nervous) Um... so what do you think, Daria?

(Daria frowns slightly.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Be supportive. Tell her something she won't take too hard. (Bt, aloud) Uh... they stand proudly and proclaim, "I am."

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: What?!!

DARIA: Um, kidding. (Bt) Let me think....

(Pause. Helen, Jake, and Quinn exchange subtly irritated looks.)

DARIA: Well, they're pleasingly symmetrical. (Pause) And... they flatter the face, yet manage to avoid detracting attention from the outfit. (Pause. Meanwhile, Quinn's face is brightening from the praise.) In short, when I look at you, (smirks) I feel like I'm looking in a mirror.

(Pause. Quinn's expression changes to one of fury. She utters a sharp cry and lunges at Daria. Daria manages to roll away and jump off the couch just as Quinn hits it. She stands there, watching Quinn and smirking. Then Helen intervenes. She wears a glaring expression.)

HELEN: (angry) Quinn... (looks at Daria) Daria, what did I tell you? Go to your room.

DARIA: I'm gone. (to Quinn) Later, brainiac. (She leaves.)

(Meanwhile, we see Quinn holding the glasses as though she's ready to hurl them across the room. Helen reaches out to stop her.)

HELEN: (still angry) Quinn, you break those, you buy them. And believe me, you don't want to know how much they cost!

(Quinn slumps forward, clasps her legs.)

QUINN: (to herself. self-pitying) I can't wear these things! How'll I face my friends at school tomorrow?

(The shrill sound of an alarm clock ushers in the next scene: )

SCENE 4 (next morning, on the way to school)

(Music plays. side shot of Quinn and Daria walking down a residential sidewalk. Except for her glasses, Quinn's dressed in her usual attire. She walks several paces behind Daria. cut to frontal close-up Daria, with Quinn in the background.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) You know, school only lasts until three. You may want to pick up the pace.

(cut to close-up Quinn -- shoulders sagging, miserable. She doesn't respond.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Lawndale High)

(Outside shot of the school. Some people mill around near the building. cut to close-up of Quinn, watching this scene. She glances around nervously, then takes off her glasses. cut to shot of school from her P.O.V. It looks completely fuzzy. cut to close-up Quinn. She frowns a "Why didn't I realize this before?" frown. Looks down, and is about to put her glasses back on when, off screen: )

JOEY: Hi Quinn!

JEFFY: Hi Quinn!

JAMIE: Hi Quinn!

(The 3 Js approach, smiling fawningly. Quinn quickly shoves her glasses back into their case.)

QUINN: (surprised) Uh, guys, where did you come from?

JOEY: What's that you're holding?

JEFFY: Want me to carry it for you?

JAMIE: I'll carry it for her!

(Quinn's face takes on a serene expression. She hides the glasses case in her purse.)

QUINN: (cheery) Guys stop fighting! You can all take turns carrying me!

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria and Jane's lockers)

(wide shot of Daria and Jane. Jane's leaning against her locker, Daria's opening hers.)

JANE: I was waiting for you. What happened?

DARIA: Sorry, had to play escort. My mom wanted me to walk Quinn to school to make sure she wore her glasses. (fiddles around in locker)

JANE: (mischievous) Ah, so at last the moment of reckoning has arrived. I can't wait to see her. (Bt) Say, your family loyalty wasn't spurred by a little bribery, now, was it?

DARIA: Yeah, bribery in the form of: "If you do this for Quinn, I won't ground you for two months." Let's just say I wasn't the good big sis last night.

JANE: You made fun of her glasses.

DARIA: Yep.

(Jane shakes her head with mock disapproval.)

JANE: Daria, Daria, Daria, what are we going to do with you?

DARIA: You could put me in one of those overseas adoption programs.

(As she says this, Jane looks off screen to the left, a semi-confused expression on her face. We hear the 3 Js arguing.)

JOEY: You're pressing too hard!

JEFFY: You're not giving her enough back support!

JAMIE: You're not stuck with the legs!

(Daria and Jane stand in the background while, from off screen left, the 3 Js appear in the foreground, carrying Quinn. Her expression's still serene, her arms outspread a la "Titanic". Daria hardly bats an eye as they move across the screen and disappear.)

JANE: So, are these glasses of Quinn's the new invisible kind I've been hearing so much about?

DARIA: (shaking her head) Didn't take her long to find an excuse not to wear them, did it? (Bt) Some people just can't handle the thought of their image being messed with.

JANE: Not like you.

(Daria slams her locker shut.)

DARIA: Definitely. (then realizes Jane's playful sarcasm and frowns.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (DeMartino's classroom)

(Extreme close-up shot of DeMartino's head, bulging eye and all.)

DeMARTINO: (to his class) PEOPLE, PLEASE!!!

(cut to a wider shot of the classroom, DeMartino standing in front of the blackboard.)

DeMARTINO: (continuing) Pay attention! We're STARTing our little journey through Manifest DESTINY today --

(Shot of Quinn and Stacy sitting in the back of the classroom. Stacy's chewing gum and flipping through an issue of Waif. As DeMartino carries on, cut to shot of the classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. DeMartino looks like an animated blob and the markings on the blackboard are indecipherable. cut to close-up Quinn. She peers down at her purse on her left hand side. Then she reaches into it, draws out the glasses case, and removes the glasses. Slowly, covertly, she lifts the glasses to her face. cut to a new shot of the classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. DeMartino looks normal and the markings on board the legible. resume close-up Quinn. She gasps.)

QUINN: (to herself) So that stuff he writes does make sense!

(cut to wider shot. Stacy's blowing a bubble.)

STACY: Huh? (bubble pops in her face)

(Quinn yanks off the glasses and hides them before Stacy can look in her direction.)

QUINN: Umm....

(cut to shot of classroom from Quinn's P.O.V. Everything's fuzzy except for the desks. Quinn sees an empty desk towards the front of the room. Turns to Stacy.)

QUINN: Uh, I think I'm gonna take Jeannie's old seat for today, the girl next to it looks like she's having a major fashion crisis.

(Stacy gazes in that direction with her 20/10 vision.)

STACY: Um, Quinn, I think that's a guy.

QUINN: Even worse. (gets up) See ya. (leaves)

(cut to side shot the desks. Quinn creeps up the row to the empty desk, then sits down and settles in. Suddenly, DeMartino's head bursts into the shot, causing Quinn to cower.)

DeMARTINO: Weeeeeeell, Daria!!!

(Quinn quickly recovers, looks cross.)

QUINN: Quinn! (not the first time this has happened)

(DeMartino sneers, his eye bulging.)

DeMARTINO: Right, Quinn -- got conFUSED for a moment. MAYbe since you've actually decided to JOIN us in class, Quinn, you could give us the PHILOSophy behind Manifest DESTINY!!!

(Pause. Quinn frowns with thought.)

QUINN: (hesitant) Um... okay... it's where all of us have futures that are, like, already picked out n' stuff?

(Pause)

DeMARTINO: Interesting observation, Quinn... unfortunately WRONG!!!

(Quinn cowers a little.)

QUINN: Oh.

DeMARTINO: AMERicans used Manifest Destiny as an excuse to settle in Mexican territory! (Bt) Would ya tell me something, Quinn?

QUINN: Uh, what?

DeMARTINO: How come your SISter --

QUINN: (compelled to sound pissed off, in spite of herself) Cousin!

(DeMartino sends her a full-on glare.)

DeMARTINO: Your RELATIVE knew this when I asked HER, but not you??!!

(Quinn now looks pissed off.)

QUINN: Because I'm not Daria!

DeMARTINO: I'LL say you're not!!

(Quinn folds her arms. Now she's really pissed off.)

QUINN: Well what's that supposed to mean?!

DeMARTINO: Figure it OUT!!!

(Quinn looks a bit wounded.)

(sound of a bell ushers in change of scene: )

SCENE 8 (cafeteria -- lunch)

(Wide shot of cafeteria. cut to close-up of the Fashion Club sitting at its usual table. Quinn and Stacy sit on the right hand side, Tiffany and Sandi on the left. Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are gazing around the cafeteria. Quinn sits slumped over, picking at her lack of food.)

STACY: (with her 20/10 vision) That girl over there -- her pores are, like, totally clogged.

(Tiffany and Sandi look at the girl to whom Stacy's referring.)

TIFFANY & SANDI: Ewwww!

STACY: And she's got a mole the shape of a snail on her collarbone.

TIFFANY & SANDI: Ugh!!!

(Bt)

SANDI: Stacy we are so lucky to have you with us. You can see all the disgusting people ahead of time and warn us to stay away from them.

STACY: Thanks, Sandi!!!

(Quinn raises her fists in the air.)

QUINN: (enraged) Oh rub it in, why don't you?!! (pounds fists on the table)

(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany look shocked. Quinn quickly looks chastened.)

SANDI: (cocking a brow. haughty) Quinn, you've been acting very strangely today.

TIFFANY & STACY: Yeah.

SANDI: Are you experiencing some sort of fashion crisis?

(Quinn looks embarrassed.)

QUINN: (trying to sound normal) Uh, gosh no, Sandi, I mean I was just -- (tries to change the subject. talks fast) Um, have you ever noticed how many people go to this school? I mean, you walk down the halls and there are, like, tons of them ever --

SANDI: Quinn, save it. (faux noble tone) If you're having a crisis, you can tell us.

TIFFANY: We're your friends, Quinn.

(Pause. Quinn looks slightly encouraged.)

QUINN: Um, okay. (Bt) Remember when I told you I had perfect vision?

F.C: (nodding) Uh-huh.

(Pause)

QUINN: Well, it's not perfect. In fact (Pause, almost afraid to continue. dejected tone) I had to get glasses.

(Pause. The F.C.s don't respond. They sit there, stunned.)

QUINN: (off screen) Uh... guys?

(Pause)

SANDI: Uh, I see. (best authoritative tone) Well, Quinn, why don't you, um, show them to us? (Bt. slightly ominous) Put them on.

(Quinn laughs nervously.)

QUINN: Um, 'kay.

(She leans over so that her back blocks our view of her face. Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany exchange looks of anticipation. After a few seconds, Quinn sits upright, wearing the glasses.)

F.C: (sound of gasping) Hgh!!!

(Quinn slumps over, face burning.)

QUINN: (melodramatic) Oh God, I knew this was a mistake!

(Bt)

SANDI: (struggling to sound calm) Quinn, they're not that bad.

(Tiffany and Stacy can barely nod in agreement. Quinn buries her face in her arms.)

QUINN: Oh, you're just saying that!!!

SANDI: No really, I -- (cut off by the off screen voices of the 3 Js saying a triple "Hi Quinn!")

(The 3 Js appear side-by-side at Quinn's end of the table. Quinn lifts her face to look at them. The 3 Js expressions change from fawning to horror when they see Quinn's glasses.)

JOEY/JEFFY/JAMIE: Argh!!!! (they run off screen)

(Quinn reaches after them.)

QUINN: (calling) Guys... Guys?! (enraged) Dammit! (yanks off the glasses and sits there, dejected.)

(The F.C.s are now silent, except for Stacy, who starts making her little hyperventilating noises. Suddenly, Sandi puts up her arms in a "calm yourself" motion.)

SANDI: Stacy. (Pause. Stacy stops hyperventilating.) It's all right. The Fashion Club can handle a little diversity in its ranks. Quinn can be in charge of showing nerds -- uh, I mean, people with glasses -- how to dress cool.

TIFFANY & STACY: (nodding limply) Yeah.

(Quinn looks at them gratefully.)

QUINN: (timidly) Thanks guys... you're real friends.

SANDI: (well "duh" tone) Of course we are.

(Bt)

QUINN: Um, I'm gonna see if I can track down Joey, Jeffy, and Jameel. (stands up) I'll be right back. Uh, carry on. (exits left off screen)

(cut to frontal shot of Quinn walking away from the table. She pauses, glances to the side, knowing that the rest of the Fashion Club will start talking about her once she's gone. In the background, the other F.C.s sit innocently at the table, watching Quinn. Finally Quinn exits the screen. cut to close-up of the table with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.)

SANDI: (low voice) She has got to go.

TIFFANY: Definitely.

(Stacy's eyes widen with horror.)

STACY: What do you mean "go"?

SANDI: (to Tiffany, not paying attention to Stacy) I can't even look at her. She looks like that girl who lives with her.

TIFFANY: Totally.

STACY: (desperate) But you told Quinn --

(Sandi and Tiffany look at Stacy, Sandi with her megabitch expression.)

TIFFANY: Sorry, Stacy.

(Stacy starts trembling and hyperventilating.)

STACY: No... NOOOOOOOOO!

(Sandi stands up and pounds the table.)

SANDI: Stacy!! (sits down) We have to be strong about this!

TIFFANY: It's for Quinn's own good.

SANDI: (faux moral tone) She has to understand that fashion draws a line between the normal people and the freaks. Quinn has crossed over to the freaks. She can't be one of us, anymore.

(Pause. Stacy lays her head on the table and starts sobbing. Sandi eyes her with obvious irritation.)

SANDI: (to Tiffany. faux noble tone) It hurts me the most -- Quinn was like a sister to me.

(Suddenly, from off screen, Quinn walks over and stands over the table.)

QUINN: (nervous) Well I couldn't find them, I guess they went outside somewhere.

(cut to shot of the F.C. from Quinn's P.O.V. They all look at her. Sandi and Tiffany seem embarrassed, Stacy looks devastated. cut to close-up Quinn.)

QUINN: (sees the writing on the walls) Um, so how are things... here?

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (Quinn walking home after school)

(Melancholy music plays. We see Quinn walking alone down a residential sidewalk, in the opposite direction from which she came that morning. Her glasses are off, and she walks with her head slumped forward. cut to overhead diagonal shot of Quinn walking across a street without a crosswalk. A car slams on its brakes and skids to a stop right before it hits her. Another car rams into the side of the first one. Sounds of honking and yelling. Quinn continues to walk on, oblivious. Her face looks pained and saddened.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 10 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Same music plays. outside shot of the house. cut to shot of Helen sitting on the center couch in the foreground, rifling through papers, and the kitchen in the background. Helen, holds up a piece of paper and studies it. We hear sounds of rapid page-flipping from off screen. Helen turns her head toward the kitchen. cut to shot of kitchen table. Quinn sits there, wearing her glasses. She's flipping through the pages of a textbook without bothering to read them. resume shot of Helen, getting a thoughtful look on her face.)

(music ends. cut to: )

SCENE 11: (Daria's room)

(Shot of her door from the inside. We hear the sound of knocking. cut to shot of Daria lying on her bed, still reading The Bell Jar. She hears the knocking, rests the book on her chest.)

DARIA: (deadpan) The no vacancies sign is on.

(cut to shot of the door.)

HELEN: (outside, concerned) Daria? Can I speak with you for a minute?

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: (resigned) Come in.

(Helen opens the door and walks toward the bed. Stands over Daria.)

HELEN: Daria, was Quinn wearing her glasses at school today?

DARIA: That depends. (Bt) Do you mean in a literal or a theoretical sense?

(Helen sighs, shakes her head.)

HELEN: I didn't think so. (sits down on the bed.) Sweetie, I wondered if you'd do me a favor?

(Daria cocks an eyelid at the word "favor.")

DARIA: Oh?

(cut to frontal shot of Helen)

HELEN: I thought if you wore something you were afraid of, like, oh, your contact lenses, Quinn would feel it was okay to relax about her insecurities.

(Daria frowns mildly.)

DARIA: I'm not afraid of my contact lenses.

HELEN: Well, but I never see you wear them --

DARIA: (flustered -- for her -- and insistent) I like my contact lenses... um, so much so, that I reserve them for special occasions.

HELEN: (wheeling and dealing tone) Well then how about making one of tomorrow? Wear your contacts and show Quinn that you don't mind if people treat you differently.

(Daria sits up a little and gives Helen a "you're three bricks short of a load" look.)

DARIA: Let me get this straight. You want me to show Quinn that it's okay to wear glasses? (Bt) By wearing contacts? (Bt. Helen nods.) But by doing so, wouldn't I just be drilling nails into the coffin of her self-esteem by giving myself the one thing she can't have -- a glasses-free existence?

(Bt. Helen sighs.)

HELEN: I thought you might try some of your sneaky double-talk on me. Which is why I decided to offer you a cash incentive. Twenty dollars.

DARIA: (without batting an eye) Fifty.

HELEN: Thirty.

DARIA: Forty.

HELEN: Thirty-five.

DARIA: Done.

(cut to close-up Daria's face. She gets an "I can't believe I'm doing this" expression.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 11 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of Daria standing in front of the bathroom mirror, still in her pajamas... her hair mussed-up in that way I know people love! She's putting the second contact lens in her eye. Meanwhile, a rumpled Quinn trudges into the bathroom to do her business. She takes her place beside Daria in front of the mirror, then looks at her.)

QUINN: What're you doing?

(Daria blinks rapidly to settle the lens. Glances at Quinn.)

DARIA: What does it look like I'm doing?

(Quinn stares at her, confused and sleepy. Then, slowly, realization grows on her face. Gets an expression of horror, then fury.)

QUINN: (tantrum mode) You can't wear your contacts!!!!! There's no way, you traitor!!!!! I'm staying home!!!!!!!! (runs out of the bathroom)

(Daria watches her go, then looks at herself in the mirror.)

DARIA: Oh yeah, that went well.

END OF ACT TWO

[Split screen of Daria, smirking, telling Quinn what she thinks of her glasses, and Quinn in glasses, her expression turning to rage.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You thought you could escape, didn't you? hahahahahahahahahaha 

Old Navy: "(Singing) Drawstring, they're really fit to be tied, Old Navy Drawstring!" Geez, Morgan Fairchild, your career must really be on a downward spiral for you to agree to be in these ads. All those facelifts for naught, I guess... 

Ad to promote "Road Rules Latin America," where they feature the (formerly) six cast members and give them cute nicknames. Gladys: "The Fists." Um, 'scuse me, but I thought she got kicked off the show because by hitting Abe she was violating MTV and "Road Rules" policy -- now MTV's exploiting it??? Am I not seeing something... or am I seeing too much? 

Fergie doing Weight Watchers... Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! It's just creepy... almost as bad as seeing Bob Dole do ads for Viagra. Well, at least she didn't use her signature to advertise margarine, which is what the Diana Foundation did with Di's signature a while back. At least she hasn't stooped as low as Morgan Fairchild.... 

A Mentos commercial would have been too easy. Next time....

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ROSE-COLORED LENSES

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, still morning)

(Outside shot of the house. The front door opens and Daria steps outside, looking like her usual self except without glasses. Quinn follows her, also dressed normally, but wears glasses. Both appear calm.)

DARIA: So, how much did she pay you?

(Bt)

QUINN: Five bucks. (Bt) A day.

(Daria frowns darkly.)

DARIA: (muttering) You lucky little --

(sound of bell ushers in the next scene: )

SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, morning)

(Inside shot of the hallway, Jane and Daria walking. pan shot as they walk.)

JANE: (teasing) String of pearls, high heels, a slip dress, and I'd say you're about ready for the prom. (wicked tone) Now all you'd need is a date.

(From off screen, we hear sounds of catcalls and "whoo-hoo"! Daria turns to look behind her, glaring.)

JANE: (continuing) And that shouldn't be too hard.

DARIA: (annoyed) Funny. (Bt) Dammit, I wish everyone would quit staring and mind their own damn business.

JANE: Ah, it's the curse of beauty, Daria.

DARIA: And bribery.

JANE: (faux non-chalance) Hey, maybe Trent could be your date.

(Daria's face turns bright red. pause shot so that it's focused on the bathroom doors. Jane and Daria continue to walk on, exit off screen right.)

(Cut to close-up of the girl's bathroom door. It creaks open. Quinn peers out, wearing her glasses. She looks in direction where Jane and Daria are headed and watches as they retreat into the distance. She then starts to slip out. Suddenly, from off screen, we hear the voices of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. Quinn glances in their direction and gasps. cut to shot of the three advancing F.C.s from Quinn's P.O.V. resume shot of the bathroom door. Quinn quickly retreats behind it, narrowly escaping the F.C.s., who walk past and exit off screen right. Pause. Then Quinn opens the door, creeps out again, and gazes after them. cut to Quinn's P.O.V. People are filing into classrooms.)

(Melancholy music plays [same from Act II, Scenes 9 & 10]. Quinn watches and waits until the hall is nearly empty, then leaves the bathroom and stands in the middle of the hall. She gazes outward, looking depressed. cut to Quinn's P.O.V. The hall is empty. resume frontal shot of Quinn. She takes off her glasses and looks again. cut to a new shot of hall from Quinn's P.O.V. The hall is now fuzzy except for the nearest lockers. resume frontal shot of Quinn. She heaves a big sigh, her shoulders sagging. She walks toward the bathroom door, goes inside. fade-out.)

(fade-in. Shot of Quinn standing in front of the bathroom sinks, looking at herself with glasses on in the mirror . On her right, we see a garbage can and the bathroom stalls. As she looks, Quinn wears the same forlorn expression. Pause. Then, suddenly, her expression changes to anger and defiance. Quinn turns away from the mirror and yanks off the glasses. She holds them up by the tips of her fingers, as if they were some form of toxic waste that she had to dispose of. Glances around for a few seconds, then notices the garbage can. Quinn walks over to it and holds the glasses over the can. After hesitating for a moment, she finally drops them in. Turns to the right and walks toward the door, past the bathroom stalls. Quinn brushes her hands together in a "that settles that" motion, exits off screen right. pause shot on the middle stall. We hear the sound of the bathroom door opening and shutting. Pause)

(The door to the middle stall opens, and Andrea steps out. cut to shot of mirror and sinks. From off screen right, Andrea walks over to the sink nearest the garbage can. Leans down. Pause. Looks toward the garbage can. Pause. Then Andrea reaches into garbage can and pulls out Quinn's glasses. She wipes them and puts them on. We see what she looks like in the mirror.)

(Melancholy music ends. cut to an abrupt surge of "upbeat" music, ushering in the next scene.)

SCENE 3 (hallway after class)

(Close-up Quinn's face, wearing cheery expression as she explains to the Fashion Club what happened yesterday. cut to a wider shot of Quinn standing with the F.C. in the hallway, beside some lockers and a classroom. The classroom door keeps opening, students filing out.)

QUINN: So, like, it turned out he wasn't supposed to put the dilating drops in before the eye exam, that's why I did so bad. So the whole thing was, like, a big mistake. I'm thinking of suing for damages.

(Stacy and Tiffany nod.)

STACY & TIFFANY: You should.

SANDI: (haughty. slightly disappointed) Well, that explains a lot, I guess. Let's just, um, welcome you back and forget yesterday ever happened.

QUINN: (relieved) Thanks, Sandi!

SANDI: Cashman's after school?

(The other F.C.s nod.)

F.C: Yeah.

(Bt)

TIFFANY: Wait, doesn't the new shipment of halter tops come today at eleven?

(Sandi claps hands together.)

SANDI: (shocked) That's right. I must have been preoccupied (gives Quinn the evil eye. Quinn blushes.) or else I would have remembered. (Bt) We'll have to cut class to be first in line.

(Stacy and Tiffany nod.)

STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Quinn hesitates.)

QUINN: Cut class?

(Sandi arches an eyebrow.)

SANDI: (megabitch tone) That a problem, Quinn? (it never has been before)

(Quinn's still hesitant.)

QUINN: Well, um... (Her gaze trails off to the right. She's about to respond when...)

(Quinn's eyes widen. cut to shot of hallway from her P.O.V. Everything's pretty fuzzy, but from out of nowhere, Andrea appears, wearing Quinn's glasses, walking in the F.C.'s direction. She walks unsteadily, her arms outspread.)

ANDREA: (awed tone) Cool.

(cut to Andrea's P.O.V., which is framed by dark outer rims of the glasses. The colors of the hallway have bled together to form a pastel wave. As Andrea approaches the F.C., Quinn's body stretches until it coils around like a snake. Stacy and Tiffany's bodies balloon outward. Sandi's head stretches and swells in grotesque proportions.)

(resume normal shot of the F.C. Quinn's still watching Andrea.)

QUINN: Um...

(Meanwhile, Sandi's getting pissed off.)

SANDI: Quinn!

(Quinn jerks her head to the left and looks in that direction, trying to avert attention from Andrea.)

QUINN: Well, Sandi, I --

(She's about to respond again, when she sees something off screen and gasps a second time. cut to hallway from her P.O.V. Daria and Jane appear out of the fuzzy surroundings, walking in the F.C.'s direction, opposite direction from Andrea. resume shot of the F.C. Quinn tries to shield her face. She knows Daria will let her have it if she sees her without glasses or if she sees Andrea with them [Btw: somehow, she just knows they're hers. She never once thinks that maybe Andrea got a pair just like hers].)

SANDI: ("you're on thin ice" tone) Quinn, what are you doing?

(We then see Andrea walk past the F.C. in the foreground. pan shot to follow Andrea as she walks. Just as she's heading toward an intersecting corridor, Daria and Jane turn down that corridor. pause shot. Andrea walks past the corridor, exits off screen right. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane stop next to a set of lockers, presumably their own. They appear to not have noticed anything unusual. cut to shot of the F.C. Quinn gazes to the left. cut to shot of hallway from her P.O.V. -- empty. resume wide shot. Quinn relaxes, turns toward Sandi.)

QUINN: Sure I'll cut class with you guys. (Bt) Um, in fact, why don't we do it now?

(Sandi and Tiffany exchange surprised looks. Then Sandi turns to Quinn and gives a curt nod.)

SANDI: (authoritative) Sounds like a plan.

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers. Jane is fiddling through hers, Daria is leaning against hers, looking quite displeased.)

DARIA: (irritated) He didn't have to hug me. In front of the whole class.

JANE: (reasonable) Oh, you know how Mr. O'Neill gets when someone deciphers one of his mind-bending diagrams.

DARIA: The scariest thing was, he seemed to think I'd be okay with that sort of thing. That's just wrong. (Bt) He'd never have done it if I'd been --

(From off screen, we hear Brittany's voice.)

BRITTANY: Yoooo-hooo! Daria!

(Daria and Jane look at each other, frown.)

DARIA & JANE: Mmmmmrrrrrr...

(They turn to look left, toward the beginning of the corridor. Brittany and Kevin walk on screen , stand opposite them.)

KEVIN: (goofy cheerfulness) Hey Daria, lookin' good! (gives her a thumbs up)

(As he says this, Brittany's hands are clasped, and she's looking at Kevin with a vacant, adoring expression.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerfulness) See, Kevvy, I told you Daria'd come around. She's vain like I am!!!

JANE: (to Daria. sarcastic) Yes, you and Brittany share so many qualities.

DARIA: We both bre-- aw, forget it.

(Bt)

KEVIN: Say, Daria, does this mean you'll, like, be doing other stuff to, like, make yourself look good?

(Daria gets a wicked half-smirk on her face.)

DARIA: (slightly seductive tone) Well I don't know, Kevin. I wouldn't want to make Brittany jealous.

KEVIN: (oblivious) Oh that's okay.

(Suddenly Brittany glares at Kevin, her fists clenched.)

BRITTANY: What do you mean it's okay?!! Why you...EAP!!!

(She pounds on Kevin with her fists, Kevin cringes.)

KEVIN: Ow! Baaaaabe! (runs off screen. Brittany chases him.)

DARIA: (watching them go. deadpan) Another admirer bites the dust.

(From off screen, we now hear Jodie's voice.)

JODIE: Hi guys!

(Daria and Jane turn to look at her.)

DARIA & JANE: Hey, Jodie.

(Jodie walks on screen from the left and stands beside them.)

JODIE: (supportive tone) Daria, I just want to say that I think you look really good today.

(Bt)

DARIA: (grunting) Thanks.

JODIE: Your contacts make you look kind of sweet, and vulnerable.

(Daria's mouth curls with disgust.)

DARIA: Ugh!

JANE: Don't scare her, Jodie.

JODIE: (amused) I'm sorry Mr. O'Neill got carried away.

DARIA: (resigned) Yeah, well what do you expect? (Bt) Change one thing about you and everyone thinks you've become a different person.

JODIE: (still amused, philosophical) Well there is something to be said about changes expanding your options in life.

JANE: (to herself) Yeah, someone just has to hear it. (looks at Daria)

(Jodie suddenly checks her watch.)

JODIE: Anyway, I gotta go. I'll see you guys later. (walks off screen)

DARIA & JANE: Bye.

(Bt)

DARIA: Yeah, we'd better head to class. (Bt) I sure hope Quinn's suffering as much as I've been today. (Pause. sees Jane staring off screen left.) Jane?

JANE: (quiet awe) Whoa, check her out!

(Daria turns to look. Gets an expression of astonishment.)

DARIA: What the...?

(cut to side shot of Daria and Jane, obviously from Andrea's P.O.V. Their bodies lengthen into snake-like forms, intertwine, and merge at the head. Around them, the lockers curve back and forth, as if swaying to rhythmic music. cut to wide shot of Daria and Jane as they appear normally. Both are wearing expressions of shock. Andrea walks on screen, wearing Quinn's glasses. Stands across from Daria and Jane, where Jodie was before. Daria frowns, recognizing the glasses. Andrea takes them off and hands them to Daria.)

ANDREA: (expressionless) I think these are yours. You seem to be missing a pair.

(Daria receives the glasses.)

DARIA: (befuddled -- for her. "Andrea's actually talking to me?") Um... thanks.

(Pause)

ANDREA: They were a pretty big trip for a while, but now I'm kind of nauseous. (Bt) It's a cool kind of nauseous, though.

(Without another word, she walks away, off screen right. Jane watches her go.)

JANE: Um... bye? (turns to Daria, who's looking at the glasses with a puzzled, irritated expression on her face) Are those Quinn's?

DARIA: Yep.

(Jane reaches over and takes the glasses. She tries them on. Her face takes on look of awe.)

JANE: Whoa! These are pretty cool. (possessive tone creeps in) Hey, if she doesn't want them, I know I could put these to good use.

(Daria holds out her hand.)

DARIA: Not so fast. (Jane, with some reluctance, takes off the glasses and gives them to Daria.) No way she's getting away with this. Five bucks a day for no work??? (Bt) C'mon.

(Daria walks off screen left. Jane follows.)

(cut to side close-up Daria and Jane walking into the intersecting corridor. They stop and look around.)

DARIA: Now where --?

JANE: Daria. (nods her head to her right. Daria looks.)

(cut to their P.O.V. We see the Fashion Club in the distance, near the exit doors. cut to wide side shot of the F.C. walking to the exit. Quinn drags behind a bit. From off screen left, Daria comes up behind her and grabs her shoulder. Jane follows.)

DARIA: Aren't you forgetting something? (holds out the glasses)

(Quinn looks down, cringes.)

QUINN: (knows she's busted. feeble) Ugh.

(As in the beginning of this episode, the other F.C.s shudder and step away from Daria and Jane.)

F.C: Ewwwwww!!!

(Jane looks at the F.C. She bares her teeth, growls a little. Stacy and Tiffany gasp and run toward the exit. Sandi stands there for a few seconds. She raises her fists, looking as though she's ready to take Jane on. Then she groans and runs for the exit, too. Daria, Quinn, and Jane watch the F.C. go.)

JANE: (amused) Fashion victims bite the dust.

(Quinn looks down at the glasses.)

QUINN: (to Daria. shocked) Where did you find those?

DARIA: (hard tone) Apparently not where they were supposed to be. (Bt) On you.

(Quinn looks at her with a pleading expression.)

QUINN: You won't tell Mom and Dad, will you?

(Daria holds out the glasses.)

DARIA: Wear these and there'll be nothing to tell.

(Bt. Quinn waves her fists in the air.)

QUINN: Well I won't! (stalks away)

(Pause. Daria and Jane watch her go. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) So you plan on stumbling around for the rest of your life? (Bt. as she says this, Quinn slows down, nearly stops.) Have you thought it through about how you'd hide this from our parents?

(Quinn stops. She twists her hands together.)

QUINN: (uncomfortable) Well, um, I haven't... really... reached that part.

(Daria looks at the glasses.)

DARIA: Well I can see these haven't completely gone to your head, yet.

(Quinn turns around and glares at Daria, who's coming up to her with Jane.)

QUINN: (to Daria. pissed) Don't you have a class to go to???

DARIA: Don't you?

JANE: (to Quinn) Come on, let's see what you look like in these things. (gestures to Daria to hand over the glasses)

(Pause. Daria holds out the glasses to Quinn. Quinn hesitates before taking them, frowning with disgust. Finally she swipes the glasses, puts them on. She looks sulky and Daria-esque.)

JANE: (surprised. sincere) Hey, not bad!

QUINN: Agh! (yanks off the glasses)

DARIA: (to Jane) Sorry.

JANE: (unfazed) Yeah, yeah, she's been programmed to think the opposite of what an unpopular person tells her. I get it.

(Quinn stalks over to one of the groups of lockers and leans against one. She looks at the glasses.)

QUINN: (semi-whiny. confused) Daria, I don't know what to do! (waves glasses as she says this) These things have gone and messed with my head! (rushes on before Daria can speak.) I mean, it's like I put these on and I can see stuff that I couldn't see before and want to do stuff differently and it's kind of, um, not that bad. (voice trails off on a thoughtful note)

DARIA: (subtle surprise) So you do like the glasses?

QUINN: I guess, but when I wear them people act like I'm some big freak and won't talk to me! I mean, I haven't changed that much. (rambles on a bit to herself) I'm not gonna join the chemistry club, or anything....

(Pause. Then Daria looks at Jane and sighs a "I know where this is headed" sigh. It's Jane's turn to smirk knowingly.)

DARIA: (resigned. serious) Look, Quinn, I'll only say this once. You and I aren't so different in some ways.

(Bt. Quinn's listening, wearing a neutral expression.)

DARIA: (continuing) We both know that other people judge us by our appearance, so we want it to be on our own terms. We create these identities that we feel reflect our true selves -- you bouncy and cute, me --

(She reaches for Quinn's glasses and puts them on to emphasize her point. cut to Daria's P.O.V. Quinn looks like the Picasso-style painting Jane was working on at the beginning of Act II. resume shot of Daria. She gets a stunned expression on her face and briefly loses track of what she's been saying. Quickly takes off the glasses, hands them back to Quinn.)

DARIA: (trying to get back on track) Um... well, anyway... as I was saying, we create these identities, and refuse to budge from them in any way out of fear of rejection or loss of self-control.

(Pause. Then Quinn throws her hands in the air.)

QUINN: (exasperated) Well, duh! Who doesn't do that?! But what am I supposed to do about it now? (looks at the glasses again)

DARIA: I don't know. The funny thing is, sometimes the identities we create become as false to ourselves as anything other people may guess about us.

(Bt. Quinn frowns, trying to understand.)

DARIA: (more pointedly) Meaning (Pause) you already feel different about yourself because of the glasses. So you can't return to your old identity, not without feeling a sense of loss, anyway. (Bt) So I guess from now on, you'll just have to wear them.

(Pause. Quinn sighs, looking resigned and depressed.)

DARIA: (seeing this) Most of the time.

(Pause. Quinn stares at the ground.)

QUINN: (quietly) My friends'll hate me.

JANE: Maybe so, but somehow I don't think you'll care.

DARIA: You'll have to deal with jerks who don't understand you your whole life. (Bt) Might as well learn to cope with it now. (Bt) Your glasses work for you, so why mess up a good thing?

(Quinn's still looking at the ground. Then realization slowly grows on her face. She sighs.)

QUINN: You're right. (Pause. lifts face) You're right.

(Bt)

JANE: (to Daria. softly) Good advice, big sis.

(Daria smirks a reply.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (outside Jane's house, the next morning)

(Shot of outside, Daria standing by the front door, her back to us. cut to close-up front door. It opens, Jane comes out. She stands there, looking at Daria for a second.)

JANE: (a bit flat) Oh.

(Daria and Jane turn and face front. Daria is wearing her glasses.)

DARIA: (amused, but understanding) Expecting not to see something?

JANE: Yeah, well...

(cut to shot of sidewalk. From off screen, Daria and Jane step onto it, start walking.)

JANE: So I'm assuming you didn't take to heart the advice you gave yesterday?

DARIA: Sure I did. Why wouldn't I have?

JANE: The way you talked about other people's opinions not bothering you, I thought --

(Daria motions for Jane to stop. She smirks a slightly resigned smirk.)

DARIA: Let's put it this way, my situation's not exactly like Quinn's. (Bt) She puts on glasses and thinks the world's a different place. I wear my contacts, and... well while I like them, I don't see much of a change -- other than how people treat me. So I figure, why not the glasses? Beats touching my eyeballs twice a day.

JANE: (in a not-quite-satisfied tone) So you'll never ever wear contacts to school again?

DARIA: (full-on smirk) I wouldn't say never.

(Jane smiles a "hell, at least it's something" smile, and shrugs.)

JANE: Let's just hope Quinn took your advice to heart.

DARIA: I don't know. She wore her glasses last night, but she was gone this morning by the time I came down. So we'll have to wait and see.

(fade-out, fade-in. Jane and Daria stand in the same positions as when they were walking to school. The backdrop has changed from residential neighborhood to school hallway. Daria and Jane are both looking straight ahead and frowning.)

JANE: (slightly annoyed) Well, there's your answer.

DARIA: (curt) Um-hmm.

(cut to shot of Quinn talking with the rest of the Fashion Club and not wearing her glasses. return to close-up of Jane and Daria. Daria sighs.)

DARIA: I guess I was asking too much of her. Who could blame her for not wanting to sacrifice everything that's given her life meaning 'til now? (Bt) From now on, she'll have to figure out on her own what's best for her.

(Daria turns left and exits off screen. Jane pauses, watching her go. She looks chastened.)

JANE: (pointedly. to herself) Yeah.

(cut to shot of the F.C. Quinn has fallen silent and has a thoughtful look on her face. [btw: she doesn't know she's been watched])

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (DeMartino's classroom)

(Wide shot of the class, with DeMartino in front, writing on the board. cut to shot of Quinn and Stacy, sitting in the back. Quinn's squinting, trying to make out the words, but having no luck. Finally she turns to Stacy and taps her on the arm. Stacy looks up from her copy of Waif.)

QUINN: Um, Stacy, I think I'm gonna move into Jeannie's old seat from now on, the view of the fashion don'ts is much better from there which means I'll be able to stop them before they become fashion do's. You understand, right?

(Stacy becomes subdued at the thought of Quinn leaving her.)

STACY: Sure, Quinn.

(cut to side shot of the desks. Quinn creeps up the row to the empty desk she sat in during Act II, Scene 7. As before, she gets settled a bit before DeMartino interrupts her. From off screen:)

DeMARTINO: Weeeeeeeeell, QUINN!

(cut to close-up of DeMartino. His arms are folded and eye is bulging.)

DeMARTINO: Nice to see ya. Would you care to be SINGled out again? though it's not like you have a CHOICE!!!

(cut to frontal close-up Quinn. She only looks mildly unnerved this time. Her expression turns to one of calm.)

QUINN: Okay, sure.

(cut to close-up DeMartino. His arms drop to their sides.)

DeMARTINO: Huh?!

(cut to close-up Quinn. She has on an amused, slightly exasperated smile.)

QUINN: I said okay.

(cut to close-up DeMartino. His face shows the faintest glimmer of respect. cut to close-up Quinn. She raises her brows in a "go ahead, do your worst" manner.)

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

Thought you could get away, just like that??? Well, you can... but I hope you'll keep on reading to get my commentary on this episode.

First, if you're ever bored on a rainy day, here's a little game for you: count the number of times people say "Um" in this episode. I guarantee you'll be pleasantly surprised...

Second, my vision's pretty good, so I don't know how near-sighted 20/100 would be. It may not be very near-sighted at all, but for the purposes of this episode, it sounded dramatic (as opposed to even 20/150, etc.). Sorry if I've given a grossly inaccurate portrayal of near-sightedness... all I can say is that literary license goaded me on. :-)

Points of Interest:

references to Manifest Destiny and the Act II line "They stand proudly and proclaim 'I am,'" come from "Esteemsters." reference to VAL magazine at the optometrist's -- "The Lost Girls" Daria's quote about shopping in Act I is borrowed from /All Quiet on the Western Front/. 

Continuity

I tried to keep everything exactly as the show would have it, but there were a couple of things I got confused about or invented. I don't think the optometrist in "Through a Lens Darkly" had a name, so I gave him one. I also couldn't remember if Daria's and Jane's locker was anywhere near an intersecting corridor [do you pay attention to that stuff?], so I invented one for the sake of the plot. Lastly, I couldn't remember if the bathroom doors faced the hallway, or if people had to go through a small passage to get to them [it's been a while since I've seen "The Lost Girls"]. So if I'm wrong, may I forever wear a scarlet letter. :-)

Parallels with "Through a Lens Darkly":

visit to the optometrist (and that damn refraction machine) both Daria and Quinn have angst-ridden moments in the bathroom both ditch their glasses because they're afraid they'll harm their looks, and both end up somewhat reverting back to their usual selves by the end of the episode 

finally... COMMENTARY (that other stuff above is filler!)

First, I'll ask whether people view Daria's and Quinn's actions at the end of this episode as a cop-out? I could definitely see it both ways, although I will say that in future fanfics (if I ever have time to write them -- my schedule!), I won't forget that Quinn has vision problems.

Second: from the first time I saw "Cafe Disaffecto," where Quinn lures that guy into buying her long-distance phone cards, I knew she was smart. She's probably as smart as Daria, just as Daria is as pretty (and some would say more so) as Quinn. I felt like giving Quinn the chance to show that she could be intelligent... and I also thought that having a vision problem could serve as a unique explanation for why Quinn's so self-absorbed: she can't see there's a bigger world out there. And once she can, she can't ignore it...

Where "Through a Lens Darkly" comes in: I got the inspiration for my episode after I saw TALD for the first time (I think because I was mad that Quinn wasn't in it more). As I developed the storyline, I realized I could address issues that had only been lightly touched upon in TALD. One is how people treat you differently once you change your looks. In TALD, we saw Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li treat Daria differently on the day she wore contacts, but otherwise the episode was about Daria's personal struggle with vanity. I wanted to flesh out the theme of how to cope when people act like you're not you.

The other major issue has to do with Jane, and the pleasure she gets whenever Daria loosens up ("gee, you may join the human race after all"). In TALD, she got a thrill from Daria's admission that she was vain... but later, she was pretty supportive when Daria said she was going back to her glasses. My thoughts on that: Jane no doubt does support Daria's choices for the most part... but in the case of the glasses, what if Daria's choice to wear them caused her to become vain-aphobic all over again? I could see Jane becoming impatient with her -- "you're not Mother Theresa" -- which is a scenario I wanted to bring out in this fanfic.

Most of all, I wrote this because I thought it'd be cool to see Quinn in glasses and Daria in her contacts again. :-)

Phew... a postscript as long as the "episode" itself! Thanks for reading...

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, originally copyrighted May 1999, revised copyrighted June 1999. All rights reserved. 


	2. The Tie That Chokes

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is a revised version of "The Tie That Chokes" [May 1999]. After finishing "That Thing You Say," I found that I liked the minimalist camera-angle approach much better, and decided to weed out most of the camera angles in my first two fanfics. Nothing else has been changed. I hope this makes for easier reading...

This episode takes place not too long after the first of my chronology, "Rose-Colored Lenses."

I've given it the 2S rating -- best enjoyed in two sittings. ("RCL" was a 1S)

If you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of borrowing the asterisk [*] from C.E. Forman or Peter Guerin, or whoever thought of it. Much easier than writing "see postscript" in brackets -- and much less clunky. Thanks!

[intro theme music...................]

THE TIE THAT CHOKES byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffers' SUV, driving home on a weekend afternoon)

(Pan over shot of the four Morgendorffers in the car. Helen, for once, is doing the driving. Jake sits in the front passenger seat, flipping through a car magazine. Daria and Quinn sit in the back.)

JAKE: (murmuring) Wow, look at these beauties! This show has everything! I gotta go!

HELEN: (worn-out, irritable) Jake, not again!

JAKE: (to himself) Brian said it was next weekend. Hmmm...

(Bt)

QUINN: I just don't get why Erin was crying the whole time. I thought you were s'posed to be happy at a housewarming party.

HELEN: (irritated) Well she certainly couldn't have been crying about the size of the house -- unless twenty-four hundred square feet is too small for her. (Bt) Leave it to Mother to get Rita's daughter the best condo money could buy!

JAKE: (to himself) I wish we had a three-car garage!

(Daria picks up on her dad's comment, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Maybe the garage was the reason why Erin was crying, or rather the fact that Brian spent so much time in there, waxing his damn Range Rover, that he barely even came out to say hello.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Mmmmmmmm... ("that's true")

HELEN: Or maybe she just didn't like her housewarming gifts. (Bt) Who could blame her for getting upset over what Amy got for her?!

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: An authentic African witch doctor's mask. Great idea.

HELEN: That Amy -- how like her to give the most twisted of all the gifts and then not even have the decency to come. (Pause. reflects. then:) Dammit, I'm not gonna let her get away with that! (Bt) She's family, too. (grumble) She should have to suffer like the rest of us....

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Amy's place)

(Shot of outside of apartment complex. cut to close-up Amy, taking off her glasses to clean them, looking pooped.)

AMY: I'm telling you, Joel --

(cut to wide shot. She's in the living room we know from "Through A Lens Darkly," lying on the opposite end of the couch from where she lay in that episode -- away from the phone. A guy stands behind the couch, propping his elbows upon it. He's mild-looking and scholarly, yet also has a subtle ruggedness that's attractive. sports wavy light brown hair and a beard.)

AMY: -- this was the last time I'll ever get near a jet ski.

JOEL: (encouraging) Aw, c'mon, you were doing fine. You just have to lean into the turns more -- (phone rings off screen)

AMY: Uh-oh. (Joel heads over to the phone) If that's Rita, remember: I've got a one-oh-four fever and haven't been out of bed all week.

(Joel reaches for the cordless phone.)

JOEL: Better practice sounding like you're at death's door.

(Amy tries a couple of practice hacks.)

AMY: (faux feeble) Hello??

JOEL: That's it. (Bt. talks into the receiver) Hello? Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... okay, I'll get her. (Bt) Um, Amy, it's not Rita. I think it's your other sister.

AMY: (smirking) The velociraptor? Give it here.

(Joel hands Amy the phone. She takes it, sits up, and puts her fist over her mouth as if getting ready to cough. Then she decides, "nah," and puts it back down.)

AMY: (cheerful) Hey, Helen, how's it going???

(split screen, Amy on the left, Helen on the right)

HELEN: (sarcastic) Well you've certainly recovered in a hurry.

AMY: A day outdoors does wonders for the health. (Bt. wicked) Not that you would know, of course.

HELEN: Ha-ha, very funny. (Bt) Honestly, Amy, would it hurt you to just once make family a priority in your life???

AMY: Oh, come on now, Helen. I bought Erin's witch doctor's mask with the greatest of love.

HELEN: And made sure not to be there when she saw it and started screaming. (Bt) You know, a trip out to our neck of the woods wouldn't've killed you.

AMY: No, but a six-hour drive isn't exactly paradise, either. (Bt) And speaking of which -- after Hawaii, don't even mention the word airplane to me.

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: Amy, do you realize you've never even seen our house in Lawndale? And we've lived here for over a year.

(Pause. Amy appears to be considering that fact.)

HELEN: (more pointedly) I'll bet your other nieces would be very happy to get a visit from their aunt.

(Pause. Amy appears to be considering some more.)

HELEN: Especially Daria. (Bt) You know she thinks highly of you, and for Daria, that's about as close to hero-worship as she comes.

(Pause. then: )

AMY: (thoughtful) Hmmm, you make some good points, Helen.

HELEN: Some good points, eh? So you agree with me?

AMY: Weeeeeell...

HELEN: (smirking. knows she's won. wheeling and dealing tone) Well that settles it. Why not schedule a weekend next month to come see us?

AMY: (sees her offer. decides to one-up her) Or how 'bout I just come over next weekend?

HELEN: (taken aback) Oh! I... well... do I have time...?

(Amy smirks, knowing she's trapped Helen in her self-righteousness. Helen sobers up, determined not to sound like a hypocrite.)

HELEN: All right, next weekend sounds fine.

AMY: Then next weekend it is.

HELEN: Fine.

AMY: Fine. (Bt) Well so long, Helen. I'll be seeing you soon, I guess.

HELEN: Yes, um, right. Goodbye. (hangs up the phone. cut to full screen of Helen. Pause. shakes her head with wonder) Did I just hear right? A sister of mine is coming out to see me willingly?

(cut to shot of Amy, sitting on her couch. Joel sits down next to her.)

AMY: (stunned) I'm going to visit my sister.

JOEL: Need any moral support -- someone to drive the getaway car after you've run from their house waving a bloody kitchen knife?

(Amy chuckles at his twisted sense of humor -- that's why she's dating him. She pats his hand.)

AMY: (grateful) Thanks, but this could be too intense, even for you. I'd better go solo.

(Joel suddenly looks serious.)

JOEL: Then could you do me a favor?

AMY: What?

JOEL: This time, could you at least tell your family about us?

(Amy gives him a look we can't decipher.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (outside the Morgendorffer house, early Friday evening, "next weekend")

(Shot of the street. A couple of cars whiz by. pan over to Daria and Jane, sitting on the curb in front of the Morgendorffer house, waiting.)

DARIA: (to Jane) Got the time?

JANE: Is your watch broken? (lifts Daria's sleeve, revealing a watch)

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Two years ago.

JANE: Dare I ask why you continue to wear it, then?

DARIA: To look at when a dumb jock starts making conversation with me, of course.

JANE: Oh, yeah. Makes perfect sense.

DARIA: I thought so.

(Jane lifts her sleeve -- she's wearing an armband watch. checks the time.)

JANE: It's almost five-thirty, by the way. (Bt) So when's the famous aunt supposed to arrive, again?

(off screen, sound of front door slamming shut.)

DARIA: Shouldn't be too long, now. My mom said she left her place around noon.

(Quinn walks on screen, stands behind them.)

QUINN: Is she here yet?

(Daria and Jane look at her.)

DARIA: Do you see a car?

QUINN: Ha-ha, very funny. What I meant was -- (sound of honking off screen. Daria and Jane turn. Quinn's face brightens) there she is!

(cut to frontal shot of Amy's convertible approaching, from Daria and Jane's eye level. cut to frontal shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn. Daria and Jane stand up, back away from the curb. Amy pulls up from off screen right. cut to shot of her from their POV)

AMY: Well if it isn't my two favorite nieces.

(cut to close-up Daria, Jane, and Quinn)

DARIA & QUINN: Hi, Aunt Amy!

(They start to walk over to the driver's side of the car. cut to frontal shot of the car -- Amy getting out, Daria and Quinn coming toward her. pan over so they're all standing on screen.)

DARIA: How was the drive?

(Amy reaches over and hugs her.)

AMY: Let's just say hell's too kind a word to describe it. (Bt. draws back) But seeing you guys makes it worthwhile. (reaches toward Quinn to give her a hug) So how are you, Quinn?

(Quinn pulls away playfully.)

QUINN: (chipper) Careful -- hair, makeup!

AMY: Uh, right. (gives Quinn a small squeeze around the waist) Nice to see you.

(cut to shot of Jane, standing on the sidewalk)

AMY: (off screen) You, however, I don't think I've met before. (walks on screen, stands next to Jane, smirking) Jake and Helen haven't been hiding a third kid, have they?

JANE: (also smirking) Yeah, I'm the one they're ashamed to tell their friends about. You know, because I start fires and do all other kinds of crazy teenage things.

(Daria and Quinn come up and stand behind Amy and Jane. Amy glances back at Daria. Daria smirks and nods.)

AMY: (to Jane. brow raised) Partner in crime?

(Jane raises her right hand.)

JANE: The one and only. (Bt) Although most prefer to call me by my given name. (Bt. reaches hand out) Jane Lane.

(Amy shakes her hand.)

AMY: Amy Barksdale. Nice to meet you.

JANE: Same.

DARIA: (slightly exasperated) I told her that I'd bring you by her place after you'd settled in, but she said she had to see you right away.

JANE: I've been dying to meet the one member of Daria's family who doesn't seem ready to keel over from hypertension.

(cut to inside shot of the Morgendorffers' house. close-up shot of Helen's face)

HELEN: Jake! She's here!!!

(cut to wider shot. Jake's in the kitchen, in the foreground, stirring stew in a pot. Helen paces around in the background.)

JAKE: Oh really -- (tastes stew) Eeeeeeeeyow!!!

HELEN: (irritated) Jake, turn off that damn stove and come out with me to greet her.

(Jake tries to fan his tongue.)

JAKE: But, Helen, I'm a little busy with this stew here.

HELEN: Dammit Jake, are we a team or aren't we?!

JAKE: Well yeah, but geez, honey, I don't see what you're so worried about. I mean, she's just your sister.

HELEN: Right. Which is exactly the reason why I need you to back me up! I'll be damned if I'm gonna go out there and talk with her alone!

JAKE: But the girls'll --

(Helen's eyes narrow.)

HELEN: (warning growl) Mmmmmrrrrrr...

(Jake pulls at his collar, hemming and hawing with indecision.)

JAKE: Aww... well... Ieeeee. (Bt) Aw, well. (turns down heat on the burner and puts a lid over the stew pot)

(cut to shot of Amy with Daria, Quinn and Jane, taken from the angle where we see the street. They've been talking about families -- Jane's comparing her family situation to Amy's. Daria's rolling her eyes as if to say, "Enough, already, Jane." Quinn stands there, serenely oblivious. Amy's smirking, amused.)

JANE: You think youngest of three's bad? Try youngest of five. (points to herself)

AMY: Ooh, you got me there.

(from off screen: )

HELEN: Amy!

JAKE: Hi, Amy!

(Amy turns, faces frontal. smiles.)

AMY: Jake! Helen!

(Helen and Jake walk up the path to meet her.)

HELEN: Well you're looking good.

(She and Amy embrace. Amy gives her a peck on the cheek, Helen does the blow kiss. They draw back.)

AMY: Thanks, so do you. (Bt. smirks) I see the vein on your forehead isn't throbbing as hard as it used to. You must've taken my advice about going on that walk last month. It's really made a difference.

(Daria, Quinn, and Jane snicker. Jake also can't keep from snickering. Helen looks at them, especially at Jake. Laughs very sarcastically.)

HELEN: Oh, Amy, always the kidder. (Bt) Jake. (Jake stops laughing immediately.) Why don't you help Amy with her bags? (says it like she's giving an order)

(Jake bows his head, turns meekly toward the car, and walks over to it. Everyone else watches him.)

AMY: Well it's nice to see that some family traditions never die.

(Daria snickers again, getting the jab. Helen notices, and frowns warily. Meanwhile, Jake's looking in Amy's back seat.)

JAKE: (to himself) One bag shouldn't be too -- (tries to lift it) Gah! Agh!! Geez, Amy, what've you got in here?!!

AMY: Just a few art books.

JANE: You do art?

AMY: I appraise it for its worth.

JANE: Ugh. (mock shudder) And I thought you were cool.

(Amy smirks at her. Jake scratches his head, looking at the bag.)

JAKE: (to himself. muttering) A man could break his back...!

(Helen turns to Amy and gives her a knowing look.)

HELEN: So, Amy, are art books all you brought?

(Pause. Amy gets an amused "okay, okay" expression.)

AMY: Well, that and some old photo albums that were lying around my room.

(Helen smiles and nods an "I thought so.")

QUINN: Cool! Does that mean we get to see you and Mom and Aunt Rita in your geeky younger years?

DARIA: I hope so. Humiliation's the best part of these family get-togethers.

(Helen looks at them, amused and exasperated.)

HELEN: Very funny, you two. (Bt. turns to Amy) Amy, why don't we look at them later, after dinner, when we've all had a chance to catch up on each other's lives?

AMY: Sounds good.

HELEN: Jake -- the bag.

JAKE: Aw Jesus, honey!

(Jane looks at her armband watch.)

JANE: Well that's my cue. (Bt) Much as I'd like to stay and be a part of your warm family moments, I gotta head home. My brother needs someone to wake him up. (starts to leave)

AMY: Nice meeting you, Jane.

DARIA: See ya.

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Bye!

(cut to wider shot, Jane in the foreground, walking away)

JANE: Yeah, bye. (stops. frowns. sniffs) Oh, and by the way, do you guys smell something burning?

(cut to close-up Jake. He grabs his head.)

JAKE: Oh dear God, the stew!!!!!!!!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(Outside shot of the house -- all of the windows are open. cut to shot of Amy standing in the doorway to Daria's room, looking around. Daria stands beside her. cut to Amy's POV, pan across Daria's room. cut to shot of Daria and Amy.)

DARIA: So, what d' you think?

(Amy smirks at her.)

AMY: It's you.

DARIA: (also smirking) Somehow, I knew you'd say that.

(cut to shot of the stairs. Amy and Daria approach them, climb down.)

AMY: Wish I had a room like that when I was your age. (Bt) Those padded walls would've really muffled my victims' screams.

(zoom out to show the other Morgendorffers sitting on the couches, surrounded by boxes of Chinese food. Helen and Jake sit on the center couch, eating. Quinn sits on the right hand couch, leaning over and looking through an art book on the coffee table.)

HELEN: (holding a box, digging around in it with her chopsticks) Boy, am I glad Good Time could deliver on such short notice.

(Daria and Amy walk toward her.)

DARIA: (to Helen) I'm glad they didn't press charges for forced inhalation of toxic chemicals.

(Helen assumes a sarcastic "ha-ha, you're funny" expression. Meanwhile, Quinn looks up from the art book she's been poring through. We can see that the title of the book is Famous Art Rip-offs.)

QUINN: Hey, Aunt Amy -- were all of these pretty pictures painted by crooks and losers?

(Amy comes over and sits down next to her. Daria sits on her left.)

AMY: Yep. (leans over, starts pointing out different photos) You see here how the brush strokes on "Starry Night" are just a little too straight? (Bt) Or how the Mona Lisa looks like she has pink eye and a cold sore?

(Quinn shudders.)

QUINN: Ewww. Gross.

(Daria turns to Amy.)

DARIA: (admiring tone) Wow, so your job is to tell the real art from the pathetic artificial wannabes.

(Amy leans toward her.)

AMY: (picking up on the double-meaning) Yeah, you could say it's one I've been training for my entire life.

(She and Daria share a smirk. Pause. Meanwhile, Helen's been watching them, wearing a slightly bewildered expression. She twists it into a smile, bursts out: )

HELEN: Well Amy, we've heard about your profession, but what about your private life?? (crooning) Seeing anyone special?

(Amy. sits up straighter. smirk fades.)

AMY: (uncharacteristically flustered) Oh... well... I date here and there.

(Helen smirks a "I wonder what's up?")

HELEN: Oh? What about that man I spoke to on the phone last week??

(Amy looks embarrassed and a bit remorseful.)

AMY: Him? He's -- just -- a... friend.

(awkward Pause. Daria's still smirking, unaware of Amy's predicament.)

DARIA: Friend, eh? (Bt) Like that guy Steve who used your apartment as a cross-dressers' karaoke bar that night you were out of town?

(Quinn looks up from the art book.)

QUINN: Huh????? (turns around, looks at Amy)

(Amy smiles gratefully at Daria.)

AMY: I'll tell her the story. (Bt. to Quinn) See, Steve was this body-builder I knew from the --

(cut to close-up Helen. listens, wears a tense expression. doesn't particularly like Daria's intimate tone.)

AMY: (off screen) -- fitness club across the street from where I work. He used to --

(pan right to Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background as he speaks)

JAKE: (hushed voice) Did she sound convincing to you???

(pan to Helen)

HELEN: (irritated hushed voice) Convincing about what?! (She's still bothered about Daria.)

(pan to Jake)

JAKE: About dating men!

(cut to close-up Helen. she sighs)

HELEN: (weary, irritated) With Amy, you never know what to believe.

(cut to wide shot. Amy, Daria, and Quinn are in the foreground. Helen and Jake are in the background, watching)

AMY: (to Quinn) ... And so I come home and find him rolling around in a pink taffeta gown, singing along to some Judy Garland records he'd brought over the day before --

(cut to close-up Helen and Jake. Amy's voice fades into the background again.)

JAKE: (hushed voice) Maybe she's a lesbian!

(Helen turns to him. waves her chopsticks in the air. exasperated)

HELEN: Jake, Amy is not a lesbian!

JAKE: But you just said you don't know! (Bt. concerned. philosophical) She shouldn't be afraid to tell us, her family! Why, in this modern age --

(cut to wide shot)

AMY: Jake. (shakes her head) I'm not a lesbian.

(Helen and Jake look at her. Jake's stunned.)

JAKE: Oh. (Pause) That's okay, too!!! (gives Amy a thumbs up)

(Helen groans. then: )

HELEN: Well, Amy, that was a very interesting story, and I'm curious to see how Daria came to know the details.

DARIA: (hears subtle disapproval in mom's tone) Oh, um, Amy and I keep in touch over e-mail.

AMY: Yeah, I encouraged it. (Bt) I knew that as often as we talk, you and Jake would go ballistic if it meant a large phone bill.

(Helen tries unsuccessfully to look nonchalant.)

HELEN: Oh, hmm-hmm, you talk often, do you? Hmm-hmm, how nice. (presses lips together in a smile that instead looks like a sneer)

(Amy nods.)

AMY: Yeah, right. (Bt. to Daria) Now let's turn the tables on you for a while. (Bt) Have you made any progress in your quest for that guy, Trent?

(cut to close-up Helen. eyes widen. "Daria's interested in Jane's brother?!!" cut to shot of Amy and Daria. Daria blushes, and speaks to Amy in that shy, sweet tone that we've only heard her speak to Trent with.)

DARIA: Well... not exactly. Um... I don't really know if I can talk about it now. (looks in Quinn's direction. pan to Quinn, smirking with interest)

(cut to close-up Helen. leans forward, listening)

AMY: (off screen) Oops, sorry, I didn't realize...

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria)

DARIA: That's okay. I suppose even -- (sound of loud cracking off screen. Amy and Daria turn and look in Helen's direction)

(cut to close-up Helen. She holds up a broken pair of chopsticks, bewildered. She'd been so focused on Daria, she'd forgotten she was holding them.)

HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh-ho-ho-ho... would you look at that!

(cut to close-up Amy and Daria. They look at each other.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)

(Shot of Amy sitting in the guest room downstairs. She's in the foreground, lounging in a desk chair, hovering over the cordless phone almost as though she's afraid to be caught with it. Her boyfriend's on the other end.)

AMY: ... Not yet they haven't. (Bt) And they haven't strapped me to the bed and beaten me with bamboo rods, either. It's been pretty quiet. (Pause. smiles) Yeah, I miss you, too. But you can -- (sound of knocking off screen)

QUINN: (off screen) Aunt Amy?

(Amy shields the phone and looks toward the closed door.)

AMY: (to Quinn) I'll be out in a sec. (to Joel) I'm sorry, hon, I have to go. Family duties await. (Pause. slightly defensive tone) Of course I have. (Pause) Anyway, I'll see you in two days. (Pause) I love you, too. Bye. (hangs up)

(starts to get up. cut to outside shot of the door. Quinn's standing beside it, holding a photo album. The door opens, Amy comes out.)

AMY: Hi, Quinn -- sorry to be so long. I was just straightening up.

QUINN: That's okay. (Bt. holds up album) But could you tell me what's up with this photo album? (Bt) Most of these pictures are just of some guys standing around, and they're not even cute guys. (shudders a little)

AMY: Hmm, let me see. (takes the album, flips through a few pages, pauses, then bursts out laughing)

(cut to wide shot of the kitchen, where Jake, Helen, and Daria are sitting, also looking through photo albums. Helen and Daria sit in the foreground -- Helen in her usual spot, Daria in Jake's. Jake sits in the background, on a stool, looking through an album on the counter.)

JAKE: (to himself) Rita's old MG! I wonder if they'll have any of those tomorrow....

(Meanwhile, Helen turns her attention to Daria, a "concerned parent" look on her face.)

HELEN: So, Daria, I didn't know you --

DARIA: (in her usual supremely deadpan tone) The subject is closed.

HELEN: But I haven't even --

DARIA: I know what you're gonna say, and I don't care to discuss him.

HELEN: All right, fine. (says it with more than just the usual exasperation. there's some bitterness, too)

(Helen and Daria sit silently and flip through the albums. Pause. Then Amy and Quinn walk into the room from off screen.)

AMY: (to Quinn) ...They were taken before I was born, when our dad was serving in the army. (sits in Quinn's usual spot. Quinn sits in Daria's) By the time I arrived, we'd already settled into our house in Rutherford. (Bt) Dad wanted a stable environment for raising his son.

QUINN: But I thought you didn't have any -- (Amy raises an eyebrow. Quinn gets it.) Oh.

(Helen lays a hand on Amy's shoulder.)

HELEN: (crooning maternal tone) Now, sweetie, Dad loved you every bit as much as he did me and Rita.

AMY: (sighs) Well, he got used to me at any rate. (Bt. slides the photo album Quinn showed her in front of Helen) Hey, Helen. (points to the photo she'd been laughing at earlier)

HELEN: What is it, swe-- (sees the photo) Oh, for the love of God!! Damn that Rita!!!

(Jake looks up. Daria and Quinn get out of their seats and hover around the photo album.)

DARIA: (smirking) Humiliated by a younger sibling. (Bt) At a swimsuit competition.

AMY: (also smirking) A fate worse than death.

QUINN: So what else is new?

(Helen covers the photo with her hands.)

HELEN: Hmph -- well enough of that. (Bt. turns to Amy) Which reminds me, Amy: I was thinking how nice it would be to go out with my more-favorite sister. (Bt) Say tomorrow night? (Bt. crooning) An evening alone would give us the chance to bond a little.

AMY: Hmm, bonding? (Pause. weighs the option. then, nonchalant:) I could go for that.

HELEN: Great!

(Pause)

AMY: Great.

(cut to Helen's POV. Daria stands in the foreground, still hovering over the album and smirking. Amy's in the background. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (to herself. muttering) Great.

END OF ACT ONE

[Amy is reaching over to hug Quinn. Quinn pulls away playfully.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Not this one, though:

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Helen issues Daria an ultimatum, but will Daria refuse to play her game?? (shots of Daria and Quinn standing in front of the bathroom mirror, Daria and Helen glaring at each other at the dinner table, and Trent playing a song in the Morgendorffers' living room) Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

These are the lame ones:

A promo for: "This is the Tom Green Show, it's not the Green Tom Show, this is my fav-or-ite show, because it is my show." Hmm, it's his favorite show because it's his show -- I guess that'd have to be the reason, since there's nothing else to recommend it.... 

"Do-do-do-do-do-do, dooo-ahhh!!!" That one opening line sums up all that is idiotic about Mentos. 'Nuff said. 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THE TIE THAT CHOKES

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Outside shot of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over)

HELEN: (crooning) Why Eric, what a surprise!

(cut to inside shot showing kitchen and living room. Helen's pacing around in the foreground, dressed in leisure wear, cordless phone at her ear. Amy, Daria, and Quinn sit in the background, finishing breakfast [bagels, if you're interested!].)

HELEN: Monday? It's been moved up? (Pause) Well of course I can have it ready by then --

(cut to close-up Amy, Daria, and Quinn, listening. Amy's in Helen's spot, Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's spot)

HELEN: (off screen) Saturday, any day, I'm always willing to be ready for you...

(voice fades into the background. Amy observes all this with an amused, perplexed expression. Turns to Daria and Quinn.)

AMY: Who's Eric? (Bt) Your mom's secret lover?

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Nope -- boss. (Bt) But the effect's the same: late nights with a mysterious stranger, a family in shambles --

HELEN: (off screen) Amy, girls...

(Helen approaches the table. Looks at them, resigned.)

HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) My deposition's been moved up a couple of days so I'll have to get right to the paperwork. (Bt) Which means I can't go out with you, today.

(Daria and Quinn glance at each other.)

DARIA & QUINN: Mmmmmmmmm... ("typical Mom")

(Amy looks understanding, but a little resigned as well.)

AMY: That's too bad, Helen. (Bt) You couldn't put it off 'til tomorrow?

(Helen gets an exasperated expression, puts her hands on her hips. "How could you even ask such a question???")

HELEN: Of course I can't put it off until tomorrow! Amy, my work is important to me, and --

(Helen walks up and stands over her. Amy eyes her warily.)

HELEN: -- it's especially important that I show Eric and the other members of my firm that I can stay ahead --

(cut to close-up Amy. rolls her eyes)

AMY: (thought voice-over) Oh God, I shouldn't have said anything.

HELEN: (off screen) -- All too often women --

(fade-out. fade-in to close-up of Amy as a baby, sitting in a high chair. zoom out to show a young Helen standing over her, lecturing in the exact same way as she is now. Amy eyes her with the exact same wary expression.)

HELEN: -- get pushed aside and ignored because men think we're not good enough --

(cut to scene of Amy, now 8 years old, standing over a sink in the foreground, brushing her teeth, while Helen lectures her in the background. Amy's hair is in ponytails like Ms. Morris's from "See Jane Run," and she wears thick glasses. Helen's in her full hippie regalia.)

HELEN: -- That's why we have to prove that we are equally as competent as those bald-headed, middle-aged, chauvinistic --

(cut to scene of Amy at her high school graduation, posing in front of the camera with her family. Helen stands at her right, with Jake beside her, lecturing. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake has a '70's fro and a mustache.)

HELEN: -- neanderthals, which entails us putting a little extra effort into our chosen professions --

(cut to scene of the bathroom in the Morgendorffers' old house in Highland. Amy, now in her mid-twenties, kneels over the bathtub, where little versions of Daria and Quinn are splashing each other with water. Helen sits on the toilet seat lid, lecturing.)

HELEN: -- Once they see for themselves how devoted we are, they'll accept us into their male-dominated clubs and --

(cut to close-up Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background. Some water splashes on Amy's glasses. She wears a stunned expression.)

HELEN: -- Amy, are you listening to me????

(fade-out. fade-in to the present. Amy's sitting as before, looking bored. Helen is still standing over her, lecturing.)

HELEN: Now it's been over twenty years and we're still working on it, but women --

QUINN: (off screen. exasperated) Mo-om!

(cut to close-up Quinn)

QUINN: Give it a rest, already!

(pan to Daria)

DARIA: Yeah, Mom. You've been giving this speech for as long as I can remember, and all this time, the glass ceiling hasn't budged from its comfy spot above our heads.

(cut to wide shot. Helen looks chastened. Amy smirks with sympathy and relief.)

HELEN: (flustered) Well -- I... I didn't realize... (looks sideways off screen) Jakey!

(cut to shot of Jake, walking toward them from the stairs. stops)

JAKE: Yeah?

(cut to wide shot of Helen, Amy, Daria, and Quinn)

HELEN: Why don't you take Amy and the girls out around town, today?

(cut to shot of Jake)

JAKE: Well, sure, why n-- (remembers. panic-stricken) eek -- gah! But the auto show's today!

HELEN: (off screen) Oh come on! (Bt. she walks up to him, hands still on her hips, annoyed at hubby's misplaced priorities) Surely you can miss one little auto show for your sister-in-law!

JAKE: (mumbling. despair) But they're gonna have DeLoreans there....

HELEN: (dripping with irritation) Oh Jake. (glares at him)

(cut to shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn at the table)

AMY: It's all right, Helen. (stands)

(cut to shot of Helen and Jake. Pause. Amy walks up to them from off screen.)

AMY: I think I'll be fine with just the girls taking me out. (Bt. glances at Jake. smirks) As one who loves her car, I can't begrudge the man his auto show.

(Jake wipes his forehead.)

JAKE: Phew!

HELEN: (to Amy. mollified) Well all right, if you feel that way. But listen, Amy, (crooning tone) we're still on for tonight, just the two of us. (pats Amy's arm)

AMY: I haven't forgotten. (Bt. to Daria and Quinn) You girls ready?

DARIA & QUINN: (off screen) Yeah.

(Daria and Quinn walk on screen. Amy goes over to the door.)

HELEN: Bye, you three! Have fun! (wears a guilty expression, tries to sound cheery)

AMY: Bye. Don't break your nose on the grindstone, Helen. (opens door, leaves)

(Daria follows her.)

DARIA: See ya, Dad. (to Helen) Go get 'em, Tiger. (slips out the door)

(Quinn goes last.)

QUINN: Yeah, bye.

(Meanwhile, Helen's looking even more guilty after Amy's remark and Daria's little nickname. She suddenly shakes her head, remembers something.)

HELEN: Quinn? Wait, Quinn!

(Quinn stops. holds the door open. looks at Helen)

QUINN: (suspicious) Yeah?!

(Helen's face takes on an annoyed, yet triumphant, look.)

HELEN: (no-nonsense) Aren't we forgetting something? (Bt) Remember our deal?

(Pause. For a second, Quinn just looks at her mom with a wilted expression. Then Helen gives an insinuating nod. Pause. Quinn's face takes on a sneer of resentment. She slowly reaches into her purse and pulls out a black case. Holds it above her head, rattles it sarcastically.)

HELEN: Now put them on.

(Quinn sighs sharply, pissed off. Opens the case, takes out her glasses. puts them on. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: Now see, that wasn't so ba-- (sound of door slamming off screen. Helen's face falls) Hmmmm...

(cut to side close-up of Quinn. She yanks off the glasses in mid-walk, puts them in her purse. starts to sprint. cut to frontal shot of Daria walking toward car in the foreground, Quinn in the background, quickly approaching her.)

QUINN: I call shotgun!!!

(cut to a back shot of Daria, close to the front passenger seat. Quinn races past her and jumps into it. cut to side close-up Quinn smirking and buckling her shoulder belt. Daria stands in the background, giving her the evil eye. cut to shot of Amy, standing next to the car on the driver's side, staring at Quinn with a slight frown. She knows that Quinn just did a rude thing, but she also knows that if she openly takes Daria's side, she risks starting a war that could screw up the entire day. Pause. Amy finally looks at Daria.)

AMY: (sympathetic. apologetic) On the way back, Daria.

(Daria stares at Quinn, still giving her the evil eye. She slowly walks away from the passenger side seat. Pause. cut to frontal shot of Quinn, smirking contentedly. Daria slides into the back seat via the driver's side.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. irritated) Aren't you afraid of convertible hair?

QUINN: (chipper) 'Course not -- at Fashion Club meetings we practiced drills on these kinds of things 'til we found the perfect way to hold your head so you get a really cool wave!

DARIA: (sarcastic) Fascinating.

(Amy slides into the driver's seat, shuts the door.)

AMY: Okay, you two (buckles up), quit your squabblin'. (Bt) We're off. (turns key in the ignition. car purrs to life)

(cut to a slightly wider shot of the car pulling away from the curb. fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of car driving down a residential street. cut to close-up Amy, looking in rear view mirror. cut to shot of the mirror, in which we see part of Amy's face and Daria in the background, wearing her usual impassive expression.)

AMY: (some concern) You okay back there, Daria?

(cut to side shot of Daria in the back seat. She's brushing split ends into Quinn's hair.)

DARIA: Oh, I'm managing.

(cut to frontal shot of the three of them)

AMY: So, where to, first?

(Pause. Quinn peers out the side of the car, trying to see. She frowns, squints. cut to her POV -- everything's a blur. resume wide shot. Daria sees her difficulty, smirks.)

DARIA: (to Amy) Allow me to do the honors. (Pause. voice goes into extreme deadpan) Lawndale -- sister city of Paris. Home to celebrities recovering from various addictions...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the car driving past Lawndale High)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... Now here we have the local zoo. Home to the rare species of Ruttenjerkus and the Eaposaurus...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the tattoo parlor from "Pierce Me")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and here we have the local art museum....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past the arcade from "The New Kid")

DARIA: (voice-over) ... the Boy's Club....

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car driving past alley with McGrundy's)

DARIA: (voice-over) ... and last, but not least, Coverband Central --

(cut to close-up of Daria, Amy, and Quinn in the car. Amy appears to have enjoyed the tour.)

DARIA: -- or, as it's more commonly known: House of Dreams That Have Died. (Bt) Well, that's it. That concludes our tour of Lawndale. Please stop by at the souvenir stand on your way out.

QUINN: (peeved) What?! That can't be it! There's loads more stuff to see here than that! (Pause. realizes that there isn't) Ugh.

AMY: I'll just assume this place has a vibrant nightlife. (Bt) Hey, was that a mall I saw back there?

DARIA & QUINN: (relieved) Yes!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (the mall -- Lawndale or Cranberry Commons... you make the call!)

(Shot of a TV screen. On it, an eagle swoops down and scoops up a rodent in its talons)

ANNOUNCER: "He stole her egg -- she crushed his skull! Psycho-mother eagles on the warpath on the next Sick Sad World!"

(SSW eyeball pops on screen. cut to wide shot, showing rows of TV's in a large store window, all with the SSW eyeball. Amy, Daria, and Quinn walk on screen. pan shot to follow them as they walk. They appear to have done quite a bit of shopping. Amy and Daria both carry bags of books, and are trading a book back and forth. Quinn's carrying several Cashman's bags. Daria glances at Quinn's purchases.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. sarcastic) Shopped out, yet?

(Bt. Quinn sniffs the air. Her face brightens.)

QUINN: Not yet!

(Letting her nose be her guide, Quinn dashes off screen. cut to a shot of a nearby cosmetics shop, with an outside display of skin cream jars. Quinn runs up to the display and takes a jar. She lifts the lid off and sniffs the inside contents. From the background, Amy and Daria approach her.)

QUINN: It's Pore-Cleansing Skin Massage from Château Pierre François!

DARIA: Well ooh-la-la.

(pan to Amy. She takes a jar, removes the lid, and sniffs.)

AMY: This stuff is really good for keeping your skin hydrated.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Amy. subtle disappointment) You go for this kind of thing??

AMY: (understanding, but philosophical) Daria, when you get to be my age, you start realizing the years won't keep themselves off.

(Daria shrugs an "I see your point." Amy then frowns with sudden realization and looks at Quinn.)

AMY: Uh, Quinn? (Quinn watches her expectantly.) Maybe you'd better get a few of those jars for your mother. (Bt) It's great for tension wrinkles.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, same time that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside of the house. We hear Helen's voice-over. She's grumbling and muttering to herself.)

HELEN: (voice-over) Just sweeps right in... just sweeps right in....!

(cut to overhead shot of Helen sitting on the center couch of the living room, surrounded by papers. She's stooped over her legal notepad, scribbling. cut to frontal shot of Helen, frowning, scribbling, and erasing.)

HELEN: (falsetto) "Hiiiiiiii, how're yee-ooo?!"... "So nice to seeeeee you, (falsetto lapses into a grumble) it's only been a thousand years..."

(cut to close-up of the legal pad. Instead of legal notes, Helen is drawing stars and lightning bolts, the way she did when she talked to Rita in "I Don't.")

HELEN: (resumes falsetto) "Oh, but that won't stop me from stealing your kid. (cut to close-up Helen) 'Cause you see, with you she's mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrr-mrrrrrrrr, but with me she's laaaaaa-laaaaaa-laaaaaa!" (normal voice. bitter) Honest to God, I just don't know why I bother to --

(phone rings. cut to close-up of legal pad. The lead on Helen's pencil snaps. She slams the pencil down. cut to shot of Helen. She grabs the cordless phone by her side, yells into the receiver.)

HELEN: What?!!

(Linda Griffin's on the other end. split screen diagonal)

LINDA: (triumphant snobby tone) Helen. My, you sound feisty today.

HELEN: (caught off guard, as always whenever she speaks to Linda) Uh, oh-oh, um, hi Linda!

LINDA: It isn't that time of the month, is it? (Bt) Oh, but I suppose you'd be past that stage of your life by now.

HELEN: (seething. phony laugh) Eh-heh-heh-heh. (faux enthusiasm) Well, um, gosh Linda, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call??!

LINDA: To the fact that I landed the big Stevens account, and I'm making Tom take me out to celebrate tonight. (Bt) We're going to the Blue Velvet Lounge -- and we thought we might add a little cheer to your lives by asking you and Jake to join us.

HELEN: (Pause. then:) Heh-heh-heh, well gee Linda, that's awfully nice of you, but we've got family staying over this weekend, and --

LINDA: Oh, I see. (not one for tact) Well, I understand, Helen -- family ties come first. (Bt) Maybe we can get together another time, when you've had a major achievement. If that ever happens. (hangs up. full shot of Helen)

HELEN: (still on the part about "family ties" and "get together") Well yes, yes, that sounds goooo-ah! (absorbs the last bit) What?! (holds out phone. yells into the receiver) Why you conceited bitch! Of all the nerve!!! (flings phone aside. cut to overhead shot of Helen. She looks at the ceiling, waving her fists.) Dammit Jake, why aren't you here when I need someone to yell at??!!!

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Pizza King, later that afternoon)

(Shot of Amy, Daria, and Quinn sitting in a booth, eating pizza. Amy's holding a slice of pizza and her glasses are fogged up from the steam. She puts the slice down and removes her glasses to wipe them off.)

AMY: The one drawback to eating pizza.

(Daria does the same thing.)

DARIA: I'll say.

(Quinn watches them. has cheeseless pizza on her plate [in case you're interested].)

QUINN: (slightly nervous) Gosh, that must get really annoying after a while.

(Daria puts her glasses back on.)

DARIA: (pointedly, to Quinn) Just the price we pay for quality vision. (looking right at her as she says this)

(Quinn laughs nervously. Amy puts her glasses back on, cocks an eyebrow at them in a perplexed manner.)

AMY: Am I missing something?

(Quinn sighs, slumps forward. Daria's smirking, of course.)

DARIA: Let's just say we have a third member of our glasses brigade.

AMY: (surprised) Quinn, you wear glasses?

QUINN: (flatly) No.

DARIA: But not because she doesn't need them. (Bt) You see, Mom and Quinn made this deal: Quinn doesn't have to wear her glasses at home -- (meanwhile, Quinn eyes her resentfully.) -- just to places where maximum vision quality is essential -- like school or the public streets. (Bt) Which, of course, means she never wears them.

QUINN: (sarcastic) Ha-ha.

AMY: Quinn, you shouldn't be ashamed to wear glasses. I mean, they're just to help you see better, not to turn you into a different person.

DARIA: (to Quinn) Funny, this sounds familiar. [*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn glares at her.)

AMY: I bet you look fine. Would you mind showing me?

(Quinn glances nervously at Daria, then at Amy. hesitates, then: )

QUINN: (rushed) Um, maybe later, I have to go use the ladies' room and maybe ask the counter guy if he's got crushed ice for my soda and if he doesn't if he'll go crush some --

(Quinn slips out of the booth without another word. Amy and Daria watch her go, then exchange a "She's in denial, big time" expression.)

(cut to shot of Quinn, dashing toward the counter. from off screen: )

SANDI: Quinn!

(Quinn turns around. cut to her POV. frontal shot of the other members of the Fashion Club. cut to wide shot, Quinn approaching them)

QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic) Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany -- how nice to see you guys.

SANDI: (megabitch. wary) I thought you said you weren't going to shop today.

TIFFANY: You said you had family in town.

STACY: (crestfallen) Quinn, you haven't been shopping for skorts without us, have you???

QUINN: Uh, no-o, of course not. I really do have family in town, honest. (Bt) Um, you guys weren't gonna shop without me, were you?

(The F.C.'s look at each other uneasily.)

F.C: Uh no, no, 'course we wouldn't.

(Quinn gets wicked smirk on her face.)

QUINN: Good, 'cause you know as well as I do that eating before trying on clothes makes you all bloated so you end up buying sizes that are too large and it makes you look really, really, really bad.

(The F.C.'s cringe.)

F.C: Ewww.

SANDI: (flustered) Yes, well, um, Stacy wanted to get something here.

STACY: I did???

(Sandi gives Stacy her patented megabitch look. Quinn smirks triumphantly at them.)

(Pause. cut to shot of Amy and Daria sitting in the booth. from off screen: )

QUINN: Aunt Amy!

(Amy and Daria look up. cut to side shot, Quinn and the F.C.'s approaching them from off screen right. cut to frontal shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s)

QUINN: These're my friends -- Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. (Bt) Guys, this is Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy)

AMY: Nice to meet you.

(She frowns as the camera starts to slowly pan away. It pans down to Quinn's seat, around which several of her Cashman's bags are gathered. cut to shot of Quinn and the F.C.'s. The F.C's eye the bags moodily, then glare at Quinn. Quinn laughs nervously.)

QUINN: Oh, huh-huh, those are their bags!

(Meanwhile, Amy has an "O-kaay" expression on her face. Daria's face is impassive, unsurprised. Sandi now looks at Amy.)

SANDI: (haughty) So, Amy, you're Quinn's aunt?

AMY: (sarcastic) Uh-huh.

SANDI: So, does that, like, mean you're that girl's mother?? (points to Daria)

(Daria looks a bit startled. Amy looks stunned.)

AMY: Um, I don't --

(Quinn cuts her off with a wave of her hand, looks nervous.)

QUINN: Uh yes -- yes she's my cousin's mother. (nods her head in Daria's direction)

(Sandi cocks an eyebrow.)

SANDI: (to Amy) Really??

(Bt)

AMY: Well, actually I'm --

(cut to Amy's POV. close-up of Sandi, looking suspicious. pan to Quinn, nodding frantically. pan to Daria, who gives her the go-ahead nod. resume wide shot.)

AMY: Uh, yes. Yes I am.

SANDI: But aren't you supposed to be in jail???

(Now Amy looks really stunned. She tries to recover.)

AMY: Oh, um, I got out on good behavior.

TIFFANY: For vehicle theft and manslaughter???

(Amy gives Quinn the evil eye. Quinn lets out another nervous laugh. Then Daria looks pointedly at Amy, smirks a "We could have some fun with this." Pause. Amy comprehends, gets into her role.)

AMY: (to the F.C.'s) Yeah, well, that's just what I told the girls down at the clink. You know, to make them think I was tough so I wouldn't get thrashed by them.

(Pause. The F.C.'s look at each other. Then Stacy looks at Amy.)

STACY: (timid) So what did you do?

(Amy glances at Daria, smirking, and turns to the F.C.'s.)

AMY: We-ell, I really shouldn't say this, but you girls seem trustworthy enough. (Bt) I'm a reporter. And, because I wouldn't reveal my source in the great Mafia murder trial two years ago, I got put in jail.

(The F.C.'s look at each other again, intrigued. Quinn relaxes.)

(fade-out. fade-in to reveal a short passage of time. Quinn is sitting in the booth with Amy and Daria. The F.C.'s have pulled up chairs and are sitting around them.)

AMY: ... Well of course Bruno did it -- mobsters make it their living to kill at least three people a day before breakfast alone.

(Meanwhile, Stacy and Tiffany are hanging on Amy's every word. Sandi is impressed, but trying not to show it. She wears a cool, haughty expression.)

STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!

AMY: Bu-ut, since he'd spilled the beans on Fredo and the boys, I couldn't break my word to him. (Bt) And the rest is history.

STACY & TIFFANY: Ohhhh...

AMY: (faux maternal tone) And now my only business is picking up the shattered pieces of mine and my daughter's lives.

STACY & TIFFANY: Awwww!

AMY: (to Daria) Can you ever forgive me, honey?

(Pause)

DARIA: (faux hesitant tone) Gosh, I don't know, Mom. (Bt) I mean, look at what all your years of neglect have turned my into. (Bt. spreads out arms for emphasis. to the F.C's) I used to be on the pep squad.

STACY & TIFFANY: Oh!

DARIA: (wearing a smirk of forgiveness) Bu-ut, I guess having Mom back would be better than getting stuck with the Morgendorffers on a permanent basis. (Bt. to Amy) So I forgive you.

AMY: Oh, honey!

STACY & TIFFANY: Awwwwwww!!!

(Now Sandi glances at Quinn, smirks malevolently.)

SANDI: Gee, Quinn, that girl's mother's a lot cooler than yours.

QUINN: (glaring at her) Hey!

SANDI: (faux apologetic) Oops, sorry, I guess that was tacky.

(Amy and Daria frown.)

AMY: (to Sandi. sarcastic) Tacky -- you??? Impossible.

(Pause. Sandi eyes Amy warily. Meanwhile, Daria looks reflective.)

DARIA: Well I don't know -- Aunt Helen's led a pretty interesting life. (Bt. to the F.C.'s) Have you ever seen her mudwrestle?

(The F.C.'s look at each other, stunned.)

F.C: Huh? Mudwrestle???

DARIA: She was all-pro for about three years, 'til she decided the sport was too dirty, and that she'd be better off with just sky diving and kick-boxing.

(Stacy looks at Quinn.)

STACY: Is that true, Quinn??

QUINN: Uh, I guess.

AMY: I just love watching her kick some sorry bastard's ass in the ring.

(Stacy and Tiffany now "oooh" and "ahhhh" amongst themselves. Sandi sits there, silent and pouty from having been defeated. Quinn utters a small sigh of relief. Amy and Daria give each other congratulatory smirks for a job well done. Then Amy turns to Sandi.)

AMY: (faux friendly) So what did you say your mother does, again?

(Sandi gazes back at her, too dumbfounded to respond.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Amy and Daria driving in the car -- Quinn's stayed behind with the F.C.'s.)

AMY: Nice friends Quinn has. (Bt) I'd hate to meet her enemies.

DARIA: Yeah. (they both chuckle)

AMY: So does she always do that to you? Pretend you're her cousin?

DARIA: Not all the time. (Bt) Only when we're in public.

(Bt)

AMY: You must hate it.

(Pause)

DARIA: Well, I tell myself that it's just that stupid teenage phase we're in that makes her act the way she does. (Pause) But yeah, I hate it.

(cut to wider shot of the car pausing in a turn lane. cut to shot of Amy and Daria)

AMY: Reminds me of when I was young. (Pause) Whenever Rita and I went out somewhere, she always made me hide in the trunk of the car if we ran into one of her love interests.

DARIA: The trunk???

AMY: (bitter amusement) Yeah -- 'til one day, she forgot to open it.

(Daria's face gets a "Yikes!" expression.)

AMY: A little trip to the hospital set her priorities straight.

(Daria chuckles sympathetically. cut to wider shot of the car turning into a parking lot. cut to frontal shot of car pulling into a space.)

DARIA: So why are we stopping?

AMY: I just thought maybe you'd like to try driving this thing. (pats steering wheel)

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Hmmm, in anticipation that you might offer, I came prepared. (flashes contact lens case)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Jane's house)

(Shot of Jane's house from the outside. cut to close-up Jane painting at a canvas, which is angled so that we can't see what's on it. A squealing sound is heard off screen. Jane cringes, then continues painting. Pause. Another squealing sound, this time louder. Jane cringes again, then continues painting. Pause. This time, a loud, prolonged squeal. Jane cringes and her paintbrush goes askew. cut to frontal shot of the canvas. Jane's been painting a still life of dead fruit -- now there's a big black streak through the center. Jane turns to face front, a slightly peeved expression on her face.)

JANE: O-kay, let's see what all the commotion's about.

(cut to a wider shot of the room. Jane goes over to the red curtains, peels one back, and looks out her window.)

JANE: Oh -- Daria's driving. (Bt) Might've known. (walks away from the window in the direction of the door)

(cut to shot of Amy and Daria in the car. Daria, now in contacts, is driving. Every half-dozen feet or so, the car screeches to a halt, producing the nasty sound Jane heard. cut to frontal close-up Amy and Daria. Daria smirks sheepishly. Amy looks amused, but a little rattled nonetheless. cut to a shot of the curb next to Jane's house. The car pulls up beside it with one final squeal. resume close-up Amy and Daria. Daria glances at Amy. Pause.)

AMY: Uh, getting better.

(Daria nods. cut to frontal shot of Jane's house. Jane has opened her front door and is now walking down the walkway to the curb. cut to a wide frontal shot of the car, side shot of Jane approaching.)

JANE: (to Amy) So, Famous Aunt, we meet again.

AMY: (smirking) Nice to see you, Partner in Crime.

DARIA: Yo, Jane: you feel like coming over to my place tonight? (Bt) Amy and my mom are going out for a little sibling bondfest.

JANE: (to Amy) You and Helen? (Bt) Think you could last an evening alone together?

AMY: I've been wondering that, myself.

(Pause. Jane shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.)

JANE: Yeah, sure, I'm game. (Bt) Oh, and Daria -- Trent taught me that when you're driving a stick, you gotta ease up on the clutch and press down on the gas slowly to avoid spin.

(Amy looks at Jane gratefully.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, late afternoon)

(Shot of outside. We hear Jake's voice-over. cut to inside shot, showing a side close-up of Helen. She looks weary and apprehensive. cut to wider shot -- we see she's sitting on the center couch of the living room, looking toward the bay window. Jake, back from the auto show, lies on the left hand couch, gesticulating wildly. Quinn's back, too -- she sits on the right hand couch, serenely holding one new outfit after another up against her chest. The whole time, Jake's been saying: )

JAKE: ... And you wouldn't believe the number of horses it had!!! I mean, it was like driving a rocket!!! And zero to sixty in point-two seconds -- can you imagine??!! I was almost ready to get out my checkbook right then and there --

(Helen heaves a sigh.)

(cut to outside shot -- curb near the Morgendorffer house. Daria drives Amy and Jane in Amy's now quiet car up to the curb and stops. Amy glances at Jane in the back seat.)

AMY: But don't you think it'd be better if she told him how she felt without the megaphone and floodlights??

JANE: But how else is she gonna get his attention? (Bt. drill-sergeant tone) Daria, my brother's oblivious and time's running out. If you want to show him you like him you gotta move, move, move. (pounds a fist into her hand for emphasis)

(Daria and Amy start to get out of the car.)

DARIA: Look, G.I. Jane, I don't want to make an idiot of myself by yelling my feelings across a crowded room. (Bt) I suggest you go back to the drawing board.

(Jane slips out Amy's side of the car.)

JANE: (to Amy. mischievous) She'll come around.

(cut to shot of the Morgendorffer living room. cut to close-up Helen. She glares in Jake's direction. Jake's still going on about the auto show.)

JAKE: (off screen) ... and those high-powered motor scooters with the passenger side seats -- honey, wouldn't it be great if we got some for us and the girls????

(He's interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. cut to wide shot showing Amy, followed by Daria and Jane, coming through the door. Helen leans toward them. Jake sits up.)

HELEN: (in an almost too-cheery tone) Hi, girls! Did you have fun today???

(Amy, Daria, and Jane walk toward the couches. Daria stops, looks at Quinn. Quinn lays down her outfits, suddenly looking very nervous.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah. You could say we were transformed by all the excitement.

(Meanwhile, Quinn's making little "Ix-nay" gestures at Amy. Amy nods cryptically. Jane looks at Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) Transformed, you say?

DARIA: Yeah. Let's go upstairs and I'll tell you all about it.

(They leave. Amy smiles "goodbye" to them. Helen watches them go, not understanding, not pursuing. Looks at Amy.)

HELEN: Well what about you, Amy? (Bt) Did Lawndale measure up to your expectations?

AMY: (smirking) I guess -- since I didn't have many to start with. (Bt) So I trust you got a lot of work done, Helen?

(Helen's face takes on a guilty expression. She gets ready to respond, but before she can, Amy continues talking.)

AMY: And Jake, how was the auto show?

(Jake grows wild-eyed with passion.)

JAKE: Fantastic!!! (Bt) It was more than just an auto show -- it was a fuel-powered extravaganza!!!

HELEN: (under her breath) Oh God.

JAKE: (continuing) Every type of fuel-powered vehicle was on display -- you name it, they had it!!!!!! (during this time, Amy's watching Jake with benign amusement) Motorcycles, lawnmowers, airplanes, jet skis -- (Amy's smirk suddenly fades.) Hey, Helen, what would you think if we got some of those??!!

HELEN: I'd think you should have your head examined.

(Meanwhile, Amy's remembering the promise her boyfriend asked her to make. She wears a pained, guilty expression. Pause.)

AMY: (hesitant) You know, Helen, I should --

HELEN: (at the same time) Hey, listen, Amy --

(Pause. Amy and Helen both stop talking, look at each other.)

HELEN: After you.

AMY: No, no, you go first.

(Pause. Helen sighs, stands up. She walks over and stands beside Amy.)

HELEN: I'm afraid I have some bad news. (Bt) I'm a lot more backed-up on my paper work than I thought I'd be and I don't think (pause) that I can go out with you this evening.

(Bt)

AMY: (genuinely disappointed) Aw, but Helen, it's my last night. I'm leaving tomorrow.

HELEN: I know and I am sorry, but I just don't see any way out of it. (Bt. cheery) But tomorrow we can do brunch, I promise.

AMY: (wary) Could I have that in writing?

(Pause. Helen's taken aback. She glares at Amy.)

HELEN: (resentful) Now Amy that's not fair, I have just as much right -- (interrupted by ringing of phone on the couch. Pause. flatly) Excuse me...

(She goes over to the couch and picks up the cordless phone. puts it against her ear.)

HELEN: (crooning) Hello??? (Bt) Well hi, Eric, I wasn't expecting you to --

(Suddenly, Amy reaches over and grabs the phone away. puts it against her ear.)

AMY: Hi, Eric?

HELEN: (fuming. hissing) Amy!

(She tries to grab the phone back from her. Amy turns so that the phone's out of reach.)

AMY: (continuing. rushed) I'm Amy Barksdale, Helen's sister. Listen, I'm only in town for a short time and I just wanted to let you know that before you lay another one of your little projects on Helen, I'm making her take me out tonight, understand? Knew you would. Nice talkin' to you. (Pause. cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. lowers her voice) Oh, and Eric? (Bt) Don't call again. (hangs up)

(cut to wide shot. Smirking, Amy tosses the phone to Helen. Helen's so overcome by rage and astonishment, she almost drops it. cut to shot of Jake and Quinn, wearing stunned expressions.)

JAKE: Wow...

QUINN: Gosh, Aunt Amy, you just out-Mommed Mom!

(cut to shot of Amy in the foreground, Helen in the background)

AMY: (to Quinn) Hey, when you grow up with the master of wheel and deal, you pick up a few tricks. (Bt. turns to Helen) Shall we get ready?

(Pause. Then Helen gets a slightly amused, resigned expression.)

HELEN: (weary) Sure.

END OF ACT TWO

[split screen showing Amy as a baby, having to endure one of Helen's lectures, and Amy smirking at Helen after she's just given Eric the brush-off.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

I call this the "Damn Prosperity Block".......

That commercial where the family drives its SUV through pouring rain to the beach. Like hello? Why would you go to the beach if it's raining??? You couldn't just sit around the house and rent videos? Oh no, you had to show off your SUV and endanger the lives of people who don't drive SUV's, like me. Crush, kill, destroy... is what one of those things could do to me and my car. Eek -- don't want to think about it..... 

I can't think of a specific stock market commercial offhand, but I know they have ones for NASDAQ and for how to invest in the stock market. Naturally, their attitude is "everyone's getting rich off of the stock market and you're not, so you'd better start." Come, join the Joneses.... 

I don't think they show this one anymore, but it's always bugged me: "Are YOU ready?" Ready to go wired, that is? Yeah, maybe I am, but I resent a bunch of corporate market types telling me that the Internet is inevitable, even if it's true, and that I'm some kind of loser if I choose not to spend all my time online. 

You sense a nasty coercion theme, here? Ah, capitalism......

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THE TIE THAT CHOKES

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(outside shot of the house. music plays -- the old, but classic, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." cut to shot of Helen's darkened closet as seen from the inside. Amy's hands reach in and part the clothes straight through the middle. We see her head. She glances around, frowning mildly. cut to close-up shot of closet as seen from the outside. Amy's back is to us. She turns, looks over her shoulder.)

AMY: Um, Helen?

(cut to a wider shot, with Helen in the foreground. We see that the clothes in the closet are perfectly divided between Helen's business suits and her leisure wear.)

AMY: Don't you have any casual dress-up clothes?

HELEN: Casual -- what?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Never mind. (walks toward Helen, pats her on the arm) I'll lend you something.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Helen and Amy riding in Amy's car. Helen sits in the front passenger seat, wearing a leather jacket and some variety of skirt-dress. She gazes at the jacket with an expression of wonder, and fingers it as if to say, "So this is what one of these things looks like!" Amy's driving. Up to this point in the episode, we've only seen her in variations of the same jeans-sweater-glasses combo. But now, she's one hundred percent "da bomb" -- her glasses are off, and she's wearing an outfit similar to Helen's.)

AMY: (smirking) So where to?

HELEN: Do you have a preference?

AMY: Well, the girls pretty much gave me the whirlwind tour, so I don't know of any place offhand.

HELEN: Well all right, then, let me see. (Pause. tries to think of suitably "hip" places to go) There's..... well, there's..... or there's..... um, Chez Pi-- ugh, no. (scrunches nose. Amy glances at her with amusement. finally Helen sighs) You know, I don't think I ever took the time to get to know this town.

AMY: Office, car, home, is that it?

(Helen glances at her with a "yeah, yeah, you have a point" expression.)

AMY: Well, we'll play it by ear, live on the edge.

HELEN: (scoffing, amused) The edge? Hmph -- in Lawndale??

(Helen and Amy share a chuckle, then glance at each other as if to say, "This might not be so bad.")

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of car stopping at a stoplight. On the corner there's a cafe. cut to close-up shot. It's Cafe Lawndale from "Cafe Disaffecto," revamped since its last disastrous outing. Painted on the window in bright colors is a list of desserts offered. At the bottom -- Flan. cut to close-up Helen and Amy in the car. Amy's reading the list. sees last word, face brightens.)

AMY: Flan! I haven't had that since I was a kid.

(Helen looks at Cafe Lawndale and frowns.)

HELEN: (to herself) Funny, I thought they shut this place down....

(Amy turns to Helen.)

AMY: So what d' you say, Helen? How 'bout doing dessert before dinner?

(Helen twists her hands with indecisiveness.)

HELEN: (hesitant) Well, I don't know...

(Amy gets a knowing smirk on her face.)

AMY: Oh, come on -- live a little. (Bt) I think you used to tell me that in your madcap hippie days.

(Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner -- Amy knows just the right buttons to press.)

HELEN: All right, fine. (Bt) I guess it couldn't hurt......

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Cafe Lawndale)

(close-up shot of the door from the inside. Amy enters, walks straight ahead off screen. Helen follows. She pauses, glances to the right. pan to show an armed guard standing stiffly at attention next to the door. cut to wide shot of Helen and the guard. Helen gasps.)

HELEN: Oh my --! (claps a hand to her mouth)

AMY: (off screen) Hey, Helen!

(cut to shot of Amy standing off to the side, surveying the room. In the background are a bunch of small round tables, occupied by a mixed crowd of young and old. They cluster around a stage -- which we know from our first encounter with Cafe Lawndale. Amy points to an unoccupied table near the stage.)

AMY: Up there looks like a good spot.

(fade-out. fade-in to show close-up of the stage, a microphone in the foreground. From off screen right, we see Brittany walk on stage, clutching a sheet of paper. She goes up to the mike.)

BRITTANY: (sound of throat-clearing) Hgm-hgm. (The microphone gives an ear-piercing shriek. Pause) A poem. By Brittany Taylor.

(cut to frontal shot of Amy and Helen watching. Amy sits on the left, Helen on the right. From off screen, a waiter appears and serves them two plates of round, yellow, jiggling custard -- flan. return to shot of Brittany. She reads from the sheet of paper and twirls a lock of hair.)

BRITTANY: What is a flower? (Bt) Is it, um, like a pink thingy with pretty petals? (Pause) Or, um, is it like a, um, something a certain guy was s'posed to give you but he didn't 'cause he, like, forgot and now you think he's a big stupid jerk and you never wanna see him again! (Pause) Um, The End. (Pause. looks off screen. spacy cheerful) How was that, Kevvy?!

KEVIN: (off screen) Good one, babe!

(cut to shot of Amy and Helen, both frowning a "what was that??")

AMY: Ugh. I guess that's what passes for poetry these days.

HELEN: (muttering) I guess.

(Amy glances at Helen's plate. She's already managed to work her way through some of her flan, but Helen's remains untouched and jiggling.)

AMY: So, how's your flan?

(Pause. Helen touches a spoon to the surface and watches, disconcerted, as the flan jiggles uncontrollably. She finally rolls her eyes with frustration.)

HELEN: I'll tell you when it stands still long enough for me to taste it. (Bt. sigh) Now I know why I stopped eating this stuff after childhood.

(She and Amy both chuckle. then an awkward pause. Both glance down at their plates, then gaze at each other shyly.)

AMY: Helen, um, I --

HELEN: (at the same time) I just wanted to --

(They both stop, smile, and nod. briefly look down again, then at each other.)

AMY: Well as I was --

HELEN: (at the same time) You know I wish --

(They stop again, smile, and this time chuckle with embarrassment. Helen smirks wryly.)

HELEN: I wish we could talk to each other in complete sentences.

(Amy wears an understanding and slightly wistful smirk.)

AMY: Well, let's face it: we haven't talked to each other often enough to build a rapport...

(cut to shot of the stage. Kevin is ambling toward the microphone. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy)

AMY: (continuing) I mean, we were born ten years apart. We've never had that much in common. (Bt) Other than the fact that we both resent the hell out of Rita.

HELEN: (wicked) That alone could keep us in conversation for decades.

(cut to shot of the stage. Kevin, wearing his usual goofy grin, taps the mike. The mike shrieks. cut to close-up the armed guard. The guard winces. resume previous shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Um, like, my poem is, like, this cool epic poem I wrote about knights and dragons and, like, army tanks 'n' stuff. I call it: "Ratboy Kicks Shakespeare's Ass!" (Bt) True story.

(Kevin starts to read the poem. voice fades into the background. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy. Both are frowning, wrinkling their noses. Then Helen sighs.)

HELEN: (resigned) Well, you're right, we don't know a lot about each other. (Bt) You know my kids better than you know me.

(Pause. Amy leans toward Helen, wears a knowing smirk.)

AMY: (gently amused) Listen, Helen, I didn't want to say anything before, but I've been getting the vibe from you since I arrived --

(Helen claps a hand to her forehead, mortified.)

HELEN: Ugh, is it that obvious?!

(Bt. Amy's face takes on an awed, somewhat triumphant look.)

AMY: At first I didn't know what it was. (Bt) You've never been jealous of me before.

(muffled booo's heard off screen. cut to brief shot of the stage. Kevin's rambling on about nonsense. A couple of people have thrown things at him. cut to close-up Helen and Amy. Helen is still embarrassed and resigned.)

HELEN: Well, what do you expect? (Bt) You visit us for the first time in years and Daria falls all over you. (Bt. bitter) Whereas I bust my butt every day trying to be a good parent, and I'm lucky if she gives me a lukewarm compliment every blue moon.

AMY: (sympathetic) Helen, I think there's something you have to keep in mind: I'm Daria's aunt, not her mother. (Bt) Were you nice to Mom when you were her age?

HELEN: (admitting) No.

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Neither was I. (Bt) Look, it's just a phase she's going through. She and Quinn will both grow out of it.

(sound of booo's, this time louder. cut to shot of the stage. Kevin's getting pelted by napkins, ashtrays, coffee cups -- you name it. He's cowering and trying to dodge them. Finally, he shrieks and runs offstage. People cheer. cut to close-up Helen and Amy, amused.)

AMY: This is better than the circus.

(Bt)

HELEN: (returning to their subject of conversation. sighs) Yes, you do make a good point. (Bt) I guess I just have to be more patient with Daria.

AMY: You're a good mom, Helen -- I'm sure of it. (Bt) I mean, in spite of whatever teenage hang-ups they have, Daria and Quinn are both great kids.

(Helen smiles gratefully.)

HELEN: Well thanks for the vote of confidence. (Bt. wry) You know, for someone who's single and childless, you sure seem to know a lot about child-rearing.

(Amy smirks, flattered.)

AMY: Thanks. You're not so bad, yourself. (Pause. she glances down briefly, suddenly shy again.) Um, Helen?

HELEN: What is it, sweetie?

AMY: Remember that guy you spoke to on the phone last week? Well he's -- (interrupted by a loud, nearby voice off screen: )

UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaaaaaaadies!!!

(Amy and Helen's eyes widen, startled. cut to shot of Upchuck on the stage, arms curled around the microphone. Upchuck leans toward them and does his little tongue rattle. cut to close-up Helen and Amy. They look at each other, horrified. return to shot of Upchuck. He peers around the room mischievously at all of the women.)

UPCHUCK: Tonight's your lucky night, gals! (Bt) The Chuckster's in a hooow-oooool, and I'm looking for someone to spread the love with. (Bt. leans toward Amy.) Especially you, Curly-haired! I hope you love younger men as much as I dig older women! (gyrates his hips)

(cut to close-up Amy. expression of disgust. turns toward Helen)

AMY: (hushed voice) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(pan to Helen, her dish of untouched flan poised in her hand.)

HELEN: (briskly) I'm way ahead of you.

(cut to wide shot of Helen and Amy. Amy cocks an eyebrow seductively at Upchuck. cut to close-up Upchuck)

UPCHUCK: Grrrrrrrrrrrr... Feisty!!!

(cut to wide shot of him jumping off the stage. cut to shot of him coming toward Amy. cut to close-up Amy, still wearing her seductive look. cut to side close-up Upchuck. He does his tongue rattle. Suddenly, from off screen left, the dish of flan splatters in his face. cut to a wider shot. Helen is leaning forward, holding the empty plate. Upchuck reels backward, gasping. Amy watches with amusement and appreciation. Sounds of clapping and cheering are heard off screen. pan over the audience. People are standing up, clapping, shouting, and waving their arms. cut to close-up the armed guard. He's clapping. cut to shot of Helen, pleased and surprised by the response. She has one hand against her chest as if to say, "Who, me?!" She glances at Amy. Amy's clapping, too. cut to wide overhead shot of the clapping room, a staggering Upchuck, and Helen taking a bow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (parking lot of Cafe Lawndale)

(Shot of Amy's car in the foreground, door to the cafe in the background. cut to close-up of the door. Amy and Helen come out, smirking at each other.)

AMY: Great execution, Helen! You got him right smack on his weasely little nose.

HELEN: Well you weren't too bad, yourself, with your "come and get it" expression.

(Pause. cut to close-up shot of car. Helen stands beside the passenger side, while Amy stands beside the driver's side, poised to open the door.)

HELEN: Who'd've guessed we could work so well together?

AMY: Yeah, who knew? (Pause. frowns an amused "what's up?") Helen? (Bt) What are you thinking??

(Helen wears a wicked, reflective expression on her face.)

HELEN: I'm wondering whether Linda and Tom Griffin are still at the Blue Velvet Lounge.

AMY: Who?

HELEN: My arch-nemesis and her husband.

(Amy cocks a brow.)

AMY: Arch-nemesis? Sounds intriguing.

HELEN: (crafty) Oh believe me, it will be. (Bt) Say, Amy: how would you like to help me teach this woman a lesson?? (Bt) Care to do a little playacting??

AMY: Why not? I've been getting a lot of practice, today.

HELEN: What???

(Amy opens car door, shakes her head.)

AMY: Uh, nothing. (Bt) Listen, you fill me in on the details, and I'll take it from there.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Blue Velvet Lounge)

(outside shot. cut to inside shot, close-up Linda Griffin, sitting in a high-backed chair. She's talking and wearing her usual sunny expression.)

LINDA: ...And then he said, "Linda, a bonus of five thousand? No-no-no. I insist you take nothing less than ten thousand for your efforts."

(cut to wider shot. Tom's sitting in the opposite chair.)

TOM: Well that's just --

(Linda cocks a brow.)

LINDA: Tom, don't interrupt.

TOM: (cowering) Sorry.

LINDA: (continuing) And so I told him, "Stewart, if that's how you feel, how can I --

(voice fades into the background. cut to shot of Amy and Helen, standing near the front entrance, observing. Amy's brows are furrowed in a "there's something familiar about her" manner. She finally shakes her head, turns to Helen.)

AMY: You're right. The bitch vibes are strong on this one.

HELEN: (crafty) Think you can handle her?

AMY: (smirking) I'll see what I can do.

(cut to shot of Linda and Tom. Linda's still talking.)

LINDA: ... And before I knew it, he was giving me luxury box seating at the football stadium. I said "Stewart, what do I look like???" And so he gave me a box at the baseball stadium as well. I mean, if I hadn't stopped him, he probably would've -- (interrupted by the sound of laughter off screen)

(Linda frowns. Tom looks stunned. cut to shot of the two of them, zoom through to show Amy sitting at the table next to theirs. She lounges in her chair, staring at them and smirking. cut to wider shot. Linda glares at Amy.)

LINDA: Something amuses you???

AMY: Oh, I was just remembering the good old days. (Bt) Listening to you brings me back to when I was starting out in business.

LINDA: What do you mean, starting out??!

(Amy's face takes on a faux incredulous look.)

AMY: Well, aren't you a beginner?

(cut to hyper close-up Amy's face. She glances in Tom's direction, raises an eyebrow seductively. resume wider shot. Tom's mouth drops open. Linda sees this, then looks at Amy, her eyes practically shooting knives.)

LINDA: No, I am not a beginner. I'm with the Lawndale Businesswomen's Alliance, for your information. (Bt) I don't remember seeing you at any of our meetings.

AMY: (unfazed) Oh, right. That's for Lawndale businesswomen, isn't it?

LINDA: Hence the name.

(Amy pauses, as if thinking.)

AMY: Well, I guess technically I'm a Lawndale businesswoman. (Bt) But, when you divide your time between a flat in London, a house on the Riviera, and a loft in New York, Lawndale suddenly seems a little... (wicked) insignificant.

(As she says this, Linda's teeth are bared. She looks like she's ready to pounce on Amy.)

LINDA: Oh really??!!

AMY: (still placid as ever) Besides, I've always thought Lawndale businesswomen were, well -- let's just say I've heard they wear the pants in the family, if you know what I mean.

(Glances in Tom's direction. cut to hyper close-up of Amy's lips. She runs her tongue across the top lip. resume wider shot. Tom falls forward, gasping, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Linda sees this and now becomes fully enraged. She springs up out of her chair and heads over to Amy's table. cut to Amy's POV. Linda stands over her, hands on her hips, menacing expression.)

LINDA: What is it you do again??!!!

(Amy pauses briefly to consider -- she and Helen hadn't rehearsed this part.)

AMY: Uh, what you do, (smirks) only better.

(cut to shot of Linda from Amy's POV)

LINDA: Why you -- !!!

(cut to wide shot. Linda starts to lurch toward Amy, arms outstretched. Amy looks a bit worried. from off screen: )

HELEN: Amy, there you are!

(Linda pauses. Helen enters the shot, places her hands on Amy's shoulders.)

HELEN: (cheery. affectionate) Well hi, Linda, I see you've met my little sister. She's such a kidder, isn't she??? She does this all the time at parties!

(Linda straightens up, looks at Amy, dumbfounded.)

LINDA: So you're not --?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Nope. (Bt) I don't even live here.

(Linda's now recovered. She tries to sound civil.)

LINDA: Oh, I see. (Pause) So you're Helen's sister, are you?

AMY: 'Fraid so.

(Bt)

LINDA: Hmm. (Bt) I guess it's finally nice to meet that girl's mother.

(Helen removes her hands from Amy's shoulders. Amy suddenly looks a bit pale.)

HELEN: (to Linda. confused) What do you mean? What girl's mother?

LINDA: The one with the glasses.

(Pause. Amy looks very uneasy. Helen gazes down at her with a dark frown.)

HELEN: (muttering) Daria?

LINDA: If that's what her name is.

(Amy tries to chuckle. makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

AMY: Oh no, you must've misunderstood, somehow. (Bt) I'm Daria and Quinn's aunt. I'm just here for the weekend.

(Linda raises an eyebrow bitchily.)

LINDA: My Sandi never misunderstands anything.

(Pause)

AMY: (weakly) Sandi. (Bt) Quinn's friend. (Bt) She's... your... daughter?

HELEN: (to Amy. faux sweetness) That's how Linda and I met.

(If looks could kill, Amy would have died about five times by now. She smirks nervously.)

AMY: Oh.

(Helen and Amy gaze at each other -- Helen wearing a vicious expression, Amy nervous and apologetic. Linda watches them. She doesn't know what happened, but somehow knows she's won. Smirks victoriously.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (driving home)

(Shot of the car, with its top up, driving through the darkened streets. cut to frontal shot of Helen and Amy inside. Amy drives, wearing a solemn expression. Helen sits with her arms folded, frowning darkly, looking toward the window. Amy glances at Helen.)

AMY: Helen, I --

HELEN: Just don't talk to me, Amy!!!

(Pause. Amy glances at Helen, tries again.)

AMY: (subdued. concerned) Helen, I don't understand what you're so upset about.

(Helen throws her hands in the air, looks at Amy with a disgusted expression.)

HELEN: (dripping sarcasm) Oh you don't, do you??!! (Bt) Well let me see -- first there's the fact that you humiliated me in front of my arch-nemesis --

AMY: Actually, I think you --

(Helen glares full-on at her.)

HELEN: -- Then there's the fact that you told me a bunch of lies at the cafe earlier this evening!

(Pause. Amy glances at Helen questioningly.)

HELEN: You told me I was a good mother. (falsetto) "Oh you're a good mother, Helen!" (normal voice. bitter. hurt) When in fact you knew all along that Daria preferred you over me.

(Pause. Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: Helen, you've got it all wrong. That's not how it was. (Bt) Daria, Quinn, and I were playing a little game this afternoon --

HELEN: (bristling) What game?! "Reject Mom"?!!

AMY: No. (Bt) Quinn was pretending to her friends that Daria was her cousin. (Bt) I played along, though I've been regretting it ever since.

(Pause. Helen looks slightly placated.)

AMY: (continuing) Look, Daria stuck up for you. You should've heard some of the things she thought up --

(Helen gets enraged all over again.)

HELEN: Thought up??! Ohhhh, you mean she had to make up good things to say about me??!!

(Amy heaves a big sigh.)

AMY: No, that's not it. (Bt) Listen, I'm sorry I didn't mention all this sooner, but (pause) I didn't feel it was my place to get involved in you guys's personal lives.

HELEN: (mutters) Didn't feel it was your place to get involved... (sharp laugh) ha! Well there's the Amy Barksdale catchphrase if ever I heard it!

(Pause. Amy frowns.)

AMY: (anger creeping in) What's that supposed to mean??

HELEN: (cutting sarcasm) It means that you're not exactly the giving type, Amy. (Bt) You close yourself off from everyone around you -- no family, no relationship, and probably no friends, unless you count that Steve fellow.

(During this speech, Amy's frowning darkly.)

HELEN: (continuing) In short, you're about the last person Daria should look up to as a role model!!

(Pause)

AMY: (sarcastic. angry) Oh, and I suppose you'd rather she be a stressed-out, overbearing, insecure, nut case like you.

HELEN: (bristling) Now you just hold on a minute there -- !

AMY: No you hold on, Helen!

(cut to overhead shot of the car. It screeches to a halt to emphasize Amy's rage... and because she and Helen at a stoplight. resume shot of Helen and Amy in the car. Amy turns to face her.)

AMY: For your information, I do have a relationship. (Bt) My boyfriend, Joel, and I have been going out for over two years.

(Pause)

HELEN: (calmed down, but still scornful) Well you'd certainly never know it.

(Amy utters a sharp laugh.)

AMY: Yeah. That's because I don't want him exposed to you. (Bt) You and Rita and Mom, you're all crazy!

(Pause. Helen looks chastened.)

AMY: (continuing) And as for you and Daria, I'm sorry your relationship isn't any better, but whatever's the problem, it's between you and her. Leave me out of it.

(Pause. Amy lapses into silence, and she and Helen just sit there. cut to wider shot of the car. We see another car in back. It gives two loud honks. Then a guy leans out the window, shaking his fist.)

GUY: Hey! Move it or lose it, ladies!

(resume close-up Helen and Amy. Helen bristles, then leans out her window and shakes a fist back at him.)

HELEN: Oh will you shut up, you misogynistic neanderthal??!! Honest to God, are all the men in this town -- ??!!

(Amy looks at her.)

AMY: (flatly) Helen. (Bt) The light.

(Helen turns around and faces front.)

HELEN: Huh??

(cut to shot of the stoplight. It's green. cut to frontal shot Helen and Amy. Helen settles back in her seat.)

HELEN: Oh. (Bt. grumble) Just drive.

AMY: (icy sarcastic) Gee, the thought never occurred to me.

(She hits the gas hard, producing the nasty squealing sound Daria was making earlier. cut to overhead shot of car. They leave.)

(fade-out. fade-in. A short time has passed. The car is now traveling down residential streets, not far from home. frontal shot of Amy and Helen reveals that they are angry and silent. Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

HELEN: (quiet. admitting) All right, so it's not your fault Daria and I don't have a better relationship. (Bt) But you know what? It's not my fault, either. (Bt. voice rising) And dammit, I am sick and tired of her hiding behind her sourpuss façade and her "I'm a teenager" excuse to avoid showing me any respect or-or affection!

(long Pause. Then Amy glances in Helen's direction.)

AMY: (quiet) Maybe you should tell her that.

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, night)

(Music plays. shot of the upstairs hallway and Daria's door. From off screen left, Helen walks up and stands beside it. She pauses for a while, twisting her hands together, wondering whether to knock.)

(cut to shot of Quinn's door from the inside. We hear the sound of hard knocking. cut to shot of Quinn, lying on her stomach on the bed, in such a way that she faces the door. She's doing her nails.)

QUINN: Come (sound of door flying open) in? (She looks up, cowers a little.)

(cut to Quinn's POV. Helen is standing over her, glaring.)

HELEN: (bristling) Quinn, come Monday morning or maybe sooner, I want you to march right up to your friends and tell them the truth about Daria being your sister!

(cut to close-up Quinn. stunned)

QUINN: But --

(cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV)

HELEN: No excuses! (Bt) Oh, and if I find out that you haven't been wearing your glasses like you were supposed to, I'll start sending you to school with an au pair! You got me?!

(cut to close-up Quinn.)

QUINN: (sound of gasping) Hgh. (her expression is a mixture of shock and betrayal)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (outside the Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of the house. cut to close-up of the driveway, where Amy's car is now parked. Daria stands unobtrusively in the background, beside the hood, while Amy walks up to the driver's side in the foreground. She's followed by Jake, who's dragging her cumbersome bag behind him. Amy looks at Jake.)

AMY: Need a hand, Jake?

JAKE: (sounding winded) Oh no, no, I'm fine. (lays the bag on the ground, straightens up, and brushes his hands together) Well, it was nice havin' you here, Amy. (Bt. suddenly looks sheepish) I'm sorry about Helen -- terrible migraine, hit her real sudden. (says it like he doesn't quite believe it.)

(Amy nods.)

AMY: I understand. These things happen.

JAKE: I'm sure she'd be out here if she could. (awkward Pause. finally leans over to lift the bag.) Well... allee-oop! (tosses the bag into the back seat. cringes) Gah! (grabs his back.)

AMY: (concerned) Jake?

(Jake rubs his back, straightens up a little.)

JAKE: (voice a bit falsetto) I'm fine, I'm fine.

AMY: You sure? (Jake nods rapidly, a pained look on his face. Amy smiles.) Look, thanks for everything.

JAKE: My pleasure. (Bt. can't keep the pain at bay. winces) Now if you don't mind, I gotta go find some painkillers! (starts to leave)

AMY: Yeah, you do that. (Bt) Oh, and Jake?

(He turns to look at her.)

JAKE: Uh-huh?

(Bt)

AMY: I think you'd do great on a jet ski.

(Jake's face brightens.)

JAKE: Aw, gee, really?! (starts to straighten, then winces) Gah!!! (hobbles off screen)

(Amy winces and waves goodbye to Jake. Meanwhile, Daria, who's been observing all this, walks up to Amy and stands beside her.)

DARIA: Think your car'll hold up after the workout it's had the past few days? (pats the car door)

AMY: (looking down at the car fondly) Yeah. But I plan to give her a long rest after I get back. (Pause. slightly disappointed) So Quinn's not coming out to say goodbye, I take it?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: (sympathetic) Nope. She's pretty mad. (Bt) But don't worry: I'm sure hell will freeze over soon.

(Amy forces a slight chuckle. Pause.)

DARIA: So what happened with you and Mom?

(Pause)

AMY: I don't really want to talk about it.

(Daria shrugs an "Understood". Pause.)

AMY: Well listen (leans over to hug Daria) you take care of yourself, okay? (draws back) Tell all those idiots who act like you're not worth their time to shove it.

(Daria chuckles.)

DARIA: I will.

(cut to shot of Amy from Daria's POV. She opens the car door, is poised to climb in.)

AMY: It won't last, you know. That stuff with Quinn and her friends. Eventually you'll get past it. (Pause) You'll get past everything. (last sentence has a slightly hollow ring to it)

(Amy climbs into her car. cut to high overhead shot showing the driveway and front lawn -- as seen from a window. resume close-up Amy and Daria. Amy shuts the car door, leans toward Daria.)

AMY: Hey, do me a favor -- be nice to your mom, okay?

DARIA: (not fully understanding) Um, okay.

(cut to slightly wider shot of Daria and Amy. Amy starts her car. the motor purrs. She backs out of the driveway. Daria waves.)

DARIA: Bye, Aunt Amy.

(cut to close-up Amy, now straightening her car out in the street, preparing to take off. She waves back.)

(Music plays. cut to shot of Helen standing at her bedroom window, her back to us. She's been watching this entire scene. She now turns to the side, and we can see that her face is deeply melancholy. Pause. cut to side angle of Amy driving away. cut to close-up Amy. She wears the same melancholy expression. cut to close-up Daria, her back to us, watching Amy go.)

THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "Brick" by Ben Folds Five -- "She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly..."]

A moment of silence...

Okay, now we can get down to business. COMMENTARY (Warning, warning -- it's loooooong! Get your peepers ready...)

First, the question that's probably on everyone's mind: why Joel? Aw, come on -- did you honestly think that "da bomb" wouldn't be dating anyone?????? It'd be weird if Amy didn't have some variety of "significant other." Besides, I felt that by giving Amy a boyfriend, I was adding an extra dimension to her life. I wanted it to seem like she had her own stuff going on, like her purpose in life wasn't to sit by the phone and wait for Daria to call her. However, for those of you who can't stand the thought of "da bomb" being spoken for, I'll hint that there's a wee bit of trouble in paradise...

Secondly, you're probably wondering: why did Amy go so easy on Quinn? You could debate into next season (since we know she's not coming back in Season 3) whether Amy would have really let Quinn take shotgun in her car. I almost thought of leaving that part out, because I worried that people who see Amy as Daria's defender might feel betrayed. But then I thought, "Nah!" Here's my take on the subject:

I don't see any strong reason why Amy would be against Quinn. Sure, she would disapprove of most of what Quinn stands for, and sure she'd favor Daria, but it's not as though Quinn poses a threat to her. Hostility would be understandable if Amy's life while growing up had been an exact mirror of Daria's (i.e. popular and bratty younger sister), but it wasn't. Whatever hostility Amy may feel, it seems she'd be more likely to channel it toward her own sisters (which she does in Act III) than toward their kids. I'm saying, in a nutshell, that Amy is somewhat distanced from Quinn, so she can afford to be "above it all" and act as the mediator in Quinn and Daria's conflicts, as opposed to taking an active role. That's what happened in this case: Quinn called shotgun and got to the car faster than Daria; technically, she did nothing wrong. Amy knows that she did do something wrong, but she figures that it's such a minor issue, it wouldn't be worth it to "screw up the entire day" by harping on it.

Plus, maybe it's just my personal prejudice, but I feel that if you're really a cool aunt, no matter how much you favor one of your nieces, you're not going to fawn all over her and scorn her sister. "Hey, it's my favorite niece... and that other one." The same logic applies to Amy's relationship with Jake. Yeah, Jake can be annoying, but he's done nothing to earn her disdain.

Now, another question that comes to mind: would Quinn dig Amy? The same answer applies: I don't see why she wouldn't. The only things Quinn could object to are that Amy's "old" and that she doesn't know how to dress -- and that second one could pretty much apply to anybody. In spite of Quinn's aversion to her "geeky" family, she seems to accept that she has to do "family stuff" (see "The Teachings of Don Jake," "I Don't," etc.), like spend the weekend with an aunt instead of with her friends. Besides, Amy's got a convertible! :-)

All this talk about would Amy or wouldn't Amy brings me to a crucial point: thus far on "Daria," we've seen two Amy's. First we saw the caustic one from "I Don't," then the much more laid-back one from "Through a Lens Darkly." While writing this fanfic, I took my cue from TALD. Because Amy was in her home environment there, I figured that for the most part, she's probably pretty mellow -- unless she has to deal with her whole family at a major event, like a wedding or a funeral (eh, C.E.?). I also figured that if she were the mellow type, she'd be more likely to mediate in a conflict than take sides (even if while doing so, she mentally pelted one of the parties with stinging remarks).

Overall, I wanted to portray Amy as just a regular human being with her own issues and hang-ups -- someone who was in Daria's corner and could lend her support, but who, at the same time, was not Daria's mirror image, nor her savior.

That brings me to Helen. I wanted to explore relationships Amy might have with people other than Daria, and to me, her relationship with Helen is loaded with tension and juicy potential. If Amy comes to play a greater role on "Daria" (and we don't know, dammit!), my feeling is that a clash between her and Helen is inevitable. After all, Helen wants to be "super-parent"; she's spent the past 2.5 seasons chiseling away at Daria's rock-hard shell, and is finally starting to make some headway (see "Monster," "Write Where it Hurts," and, arguably, "Through a Lens Darkly"). Naturally, if she saw Amy effortlessly cut through to Daria's inner core, her hyper-competitive spirit would be inflamed. While portraying the clash that I think will happen between Helen and Amy, I also wanted to bring to the surface some feelings that Helen must surely harbor within: namely, resentment toward Daria for her lack of gratitude. Helen's attempts to "help" Daria are often misguided, but she at least keeps on trying with every episode, and only rarely does Daria acknowledge this.

In fact, in my follow-up episode to "The Tie That Chokes," I plan to explore Daria's convoluted relationship with Helen...

Eek -- I will say, the hardest part of writing TTTC was doing Act III, which is almost all Helen and Amy. It required imagining what their rapport would be like if they were alone together, and, gasp, how Helen would behave if she were forced to have a little fun. Actually, neither turned out to be as difficult as I expected; in the case of Helen and fun, I just decided to make her act as though it were an exotic world that she was getting to see for the first time. Oooooooh...

Okay, you've managed to wade through my analysis. I appreciate it. :-) Now here are some points of interest:

Amy's age -- The general consensus is that she hasn't reached forty yet, so she's got to be at least eight years younger than Helen. I would guess that she and Helen are eight to twelve years apart -- no more. Otherwise, I seriously doubt that Amy would be able to remember what Helen was like as a "child." Ten years was the median age, so in this fanfic I went with it... 

art appraiser -- I just got the idea from glancing at Amy's living room in TALD. She seemed to have a lot of nice artwork, etc., so I thought, "Why not make her an art appraiser??!" Hey, it set up some pretty good lines, didn't it? 

dad in the army and the son -- There is no basis in the episodes to suppose that Helen and Amy's dad was in the army, but it seemed like a nice touch. The same applies to their dad wishing Amy had been a boy -- it sort of makes sense, doesn't it? If you've already got two girls, and another kid's on the way years after you've had the last one, wouldn't you assume it was a boy (especially if you were a phallocentric army guy, hee-hee)??? 

flan -- That came to me courtesy of an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." Seemed less conventional than pie. Oh, and in case you're interested, it's pronounced "flahn," not "flaghn." 

cars, cars, cars -- Hey, if you want to go really deep with this fanfic, consider the car motif. I kept noticing, as I was writing, that I made several references to cars. There's Brian and his "damn Range Rover," Jake and his auto show, and Amy and her convertible. I wasn't thinking of what they symbolized when I mentioned them, but now that I look, all of the references seem to form a strange, symmetrical tapestry. In the beginning, Daria criticizes Brian for avoiding their company because he was so obsessed with his car. At the end, Amy drives away in her car, melancholy and alone. In between, cars help build relationships and they help break up relationships. Heck, I dreamed up Jake's auto show primarily as an excuse to get him out of the way so Amy, Daria, and Quinn could pull off their little ruse -- yet somehow it fit! 

Okay, a pet peeve -- Since this is an Amy fanfic, I had to mention the one thing that really bothered me about her appearance in TALD. During the time she's giving the speech to Daria about contact lenses, she gets up and walks across the room... for no reason!!! I mean, I know the animators had to keep her from becoming a talking head, but couldn't they have made her go across the room to look at something??? Or, better yet, why not just have her shift around on the couch, examining her glasses??? Stuff like that's just always bothered me, and I had to get it off my chest. Thank you. :-) 

I have a new game for those of you who are still reading. In the "Rose-Colored Lenses" postscript, I suggested that people count the number of "Um's" if they were ever bored on a rainy day. I didn't seriously think anyone would try... yet C.E. Forman took me up on the challenge. Way to go! Told me there were 29 "Um's" and one "Umm." Cool, C.E. -- for your prize, you get to be mentioned in my postscript (a few times, actually, tee-hee). Now for the new game: How many times do people smirk in this episode? And who smirks the third-most???

I also have to call attention to a new feature I added to the commercials: Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot. With each fanfic, I intend to use this section to give a few hints about the fanfics to come...

And last but not least, thanks so much to all you guys at Lawndale Commons who gave me geographical clues about Lawndale. Let's see: it was Martin Pollard, Bob Marley, and Emily Rosen, wasn't it? Sorry if I left anyone out! And thanks, Guy Payne, for giving me some clues about vision for "Rose-Colored Lenses" (sorry I didn't mention you last time!)...

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....... if you're not blind by now, thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999. All rights reserved. 


	3. That Thing You Say

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the follow-up to "The Tie That Chokes," taking place a little more than a week later. It's also the third fic in my chronology, behind "Rose-Colored Lenses" and "The Tie That Chokes."

I'd give this fic a 1.5S rating. RCL was a one-sitting, TTTC a two-sitting... this is right smack in between length-wise, but because of its more serious subject matter, some may feel the need to do it in two....

You'll notice a few modifications in the way my scenes are laid out. Because some people complained, and because it gets to be a major pain-in-the-ass to write "cut to close-up" over and over again, I've removed many of the camera angles. So for this fic, you'll just have to imagine for yourselves whether there are close-ups, pans, etc! I've also taken the liberty of shortening "Beat" to "Bt" -- hopefully all of these changes will make for easier reading. Be sure to tell me what you think.....

If you're the sentimental type, grab a hanky, or something. Naw, actually, it's not that bad -- I went out of my way to try to avoid schmaltz in this fic............. Anyway, enjoy!

[intro theme music...................]

THAT THING YOU SAY byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening -- presumably after dinner)

(Shot of the living room. Daria, Quinn, and Jake sit in the foreground, while Helen paces around in the background. Jake's sitting on the left hand couch, reading the newspaper. Daria and Quinn sit on the center couch. Daria's scribbling on a notepad, every so often tearing out pages, crumpling them up, and flinging them aside. To her left, Quinn pores through an issue of Glasses World. cut to close-up Helen. She's holding the cell phone in her hand and glaring at it menacingly.)

HELEN: Dammit you bastard, why won't you call?!! (shakes the phone)

(resume wide shot. Daria and Jake glance up from what they're doing, both wearing "Uh-oh, she's at it again" expressions. Quinn continues to look through Glasses World, oblivious. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (continuing) I mean how long does it take to draft a counter-offer?!! Dammit, is he just gonna keep me by the phone --?!

(resume wide shot. Daria leans down, scribbles on her notepad.)

DARIA: (to herself) "Her shrieking pierced the air, like that of a demon from the depths of hell. She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting for that opportune moment when she could bite his head off." (Pause. looks up. reflects) Or maybe "when she could tear his throat out"? Yeah, that has more zing to it. (writes it down)

(Quinn glances over at what Daria's doing, cringes.)

QUINN: Ewww, Daria! What're you writing???

DARIA: Just some poetry for O'Neill's class. We're doing a segment on poems that capture the essence of life.

QUINN: Well your stuff sounds gross!

DARIA: (deadpan) As does life.

(We suddenly see Helen coming up behind Daria. She's overheard this last bit.)

HELEN: (sarcastic) Oh my, what an unusual response from you, Daria.

DARIA: ("O-kaay". humoring her. deadpan) Ha-ha, Mom.

(Helen shakes the phone again.)

HELEN: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Does he have any idea how much time I put into this?!! After I flubbed the deposition last week -- (interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing. clicks it on, puts it against her ear. none of her crooning this time -- curt) Yes, hello??

(She walks off screen, her voice fading into the background. Quinn holds out her magazine to Jake.)

QUINN: Daddy, can we subscribe to Glasses World?

JAKE: What for, sweetie?

(Quinn tosses her hands in the air, looks exasperated.)

QUINN: ("duh" tone) So I can keep up with what's going on in the vision-impaired community!

DARIA: Why waste the money? You and I could just have a conversation for a change.

QUINN: (like she'd even consider it) You're too funny, Daria.

(cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (snapping into the receiver) No I will not buy your goddamn long distance phone cards! And don't you ever call here again!! (hangs up the phone, mutters to herself)

(resume wide shot. Daria, Quinn, and Jake glance at each other briefly, cringe.)

QUINN: (continuing) Besides, Glasses World stays in touch with the latest breakthroughs in contact lens technology.

DARIA: Ah-ha, the truth comes out.

(Pause)

JAKE: (hesitant) Well, sweetie, I don't know...

(cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: (to herself, but loud enough for everyone to hear) Dammit, people should call when they say they're going to. (Bt) Is it really so hard to pick up the damn phone and make a simple call?! Is it??!! (she says this last bit with such vehemence, it's obvious she's not just upset at the other lawyer)

(resume wide shot. Jake is now really hesitant.)

JAKE: Um, I'm usually pretty bad with these decisions, hon. Maybe you'd better ask your mother after she's... (lowers his hand in a "calmed down" motion)

(Quinn glances toward Helen, looks at Jake with a "God, are you nuts???" expression. Pause. Finally she shrugs a "what the hell," and turns to Helen.)

QUINN: Mo-om???

(Helen storms over and stands behind Quinn, hands on her hips, glaring.)

HELEN: (cutting her off) No, Quinn, you cannot order a subscription to Glasses World! Not when you don't even wear your glasses half the time!

QUINN: (pleading. whiny) But Mo-om, those things pinch my ears and leave icky dents on the sides of my nose!

(Helen throws her hands up in the air.)

HELEN: (not buying it. dripping with irritation) Honestly, Quinn, sometimes I wonder just how much I have to pay you to wear your glasses! [*] she's been paying Quinn five bucks a day since "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Daria suddenly gets a mysterious smirk on her face, glances at Quinn. Quinn eyes her with some irritation.)

QUINN: (to Helen. hesitant) Oh, not much. (Bt) Just, um, ten dollars a day.

(cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV. She barrels down over her.)

HELEN: (bristling) What?!! Oh it's ten dollars now, is it??!! Well forget it -- I won't pay another damn cent!

(She stalks away from the couch. Daria looks at Quinn, wiggles her eyelids mysteriously. Quinn purses her lips and glares at her, then tries again.)

QUINN: (super-whiny) But Mo-ooom --!

(Big mistake. Helen now comes over to Quinn, wears a menacing expression.)

HELEN: Quinn, it's Mom, not Mo-om -- Mom! One syllable!!! Now I want to hear you say it right, so say it with me now. Go on -- say it!!!

(Pause)

HELEN & QUINN: Moooom... Moooom... (Helen stops. Quinn says one last time, meekly) M-mom.

(Helen stalks away, having let off a little steam. Daria and Quinn watch her go, while Jake hides behind his newspaper. Pause.)

DARIA: (to Quinn. hushed) Boy, our psycho-mother eagle's really on the warpath, tonight. [*] see Act II, Scene 3 "The Tie That Chokes"

QUINN: (not getting the reference, but: ) She's psycho-something. God, what is with her, lately???

DARIA: I don't know for sure, but I'd say it has something to do with Aunt Amy. (Bt) Mom's been like this since she left.

(As she says this, Jake lowers his newspaper a little, looks at the Glasses World issue, which lies next to Quinn.)

QUINN: (to Daria. hushed) They're not still mad at each other, are they???

DARIA: Well, judging from all the percentage signs and exclamation points I got when I mentioned Mom to Amy in an e-mail, I'd say it's a distinct possibility.

(Meanwhile, Jake has flipped to the back page of Glasses World and is looking at a list of different issues, wearing a curious expression. The phone rings off screen. cut to close-up Helen)

HELEN: Finally we can get down to business! (clicks on the phone. into the receiver, curt) Hello??

(resume wide shot. Jake has picked up the Glasses World issue and now looks though it with obvious delight. Helen stalks back toward the couches, silent for a few seconds, then: )

HELEN: Wrong number, jerk! Do I sound like a psychic friend to you??!

DARIA: (thought voice-over) On that one I'd go with a definite no.

(Helen shakes her head and groans. Jake is oblivious -- he's really into the magazine.)

JAKE: (to himself, but just loud enough for everyone to hear) Ooh la la! It's got an Erotic Eyewear issue!

(Pause. Suddenly Jake feels an unkind presence hovering nearby. He looks up. cut to his POV -- Helen stands over him, glaring. cut to close-up Daria)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) "And so, she tears out his throat, pecks out his eyes, and leaves him to die a slow, painful death."

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, later that evening)

(Shot of the stairs. Daria starts to walk down them, glances outward, stops. cut to wider shot. Helen's sitting on the center couch of the living room in the foreground, going through papers. She wears a cross expression. resume close-up stairs. Daria starts to tiptoe down them very softly. resume wider shot. Daria reaches the bottom of the stairs, starts tiptoeing toward the kitchen.)

HELEN: (irritated) You don't have to sneak around, Daria. I know you're there.

DARIA: Oh. (Pause. straightens up and walks toward the center couch, stands behind Helen) So, is everything all taken care of? (doesn't want to refer to the phone call directly for fear of being lashed out at)

HELEN: (unusually quiet and weary) Yes, yes, everything's fine. (holds up a paper and studies it)

DARIA: Oh... that's good. (turns and starts to head toward kitchen) Guess I'll -- (stops, looks at the paper Helen's holding. tries to act nonchalant) Oh. I see you found one of my poems.

HELEN: (quiet. sarcastic) Yes, well, it wasn't hard, considering they were all over the place.

DARIA: (trying to make light of it) Whoops -- guess my housekeeping skills leave something to be desired.

(Pause. Daria looks a tad uncomfortable at mom's strange demeanor. She's used to her freaking out like she was earlier, but not this.)

HELEN: (quiet) Daria, is this what you think of me?

DARIA: What d' you mean?

HELEN: (reads from the sheet) "She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting for that opportune moment when she could tear his throat out"???

DARIA: (again, trying to lighten the situation) Oh that. (Bt) Mom, don't take it personally: I was just as rough on Dad and Quinn.

(Helen flings the sheet down.)

HELEN: You're quite the joker, aren't you?? (Bt) Well I do take it personally. How do you think it makes me feel to be described like that?!

DARIA: (now really uncomfortable) Um... not too good?

HELEN: Yes, exactly -- not too good. Not good at all. (bursts out: ) You know, sometimes I wonder if you even love me!

(Pause. Daria's super-uncomfortable, thinking, "Okay Mom, you've gone way over the line, here.")

DARIA: (hesitant. reasonable) Mom, you know what the answer to that is.

HELEN: Oh really, do I? Well then why don't I feel confident enough to trust my instincts?? (Bt) You're a real mystery to me sometimes, Daria, you really are. I don't know what you believe.

(Pause. Now Daria looks guilty, as well as uncomfortable.)

DARIA: Look Mom, just tr-- (realizes that won't get her anywhere. slumps forward a bit. Pause. can't come up with a magic one-liner this time) Look... um, why don't I just leave you alone, and we can discuss this after you've had the chance to unwind a little. Okay?

(Silence. Helen's already turned away from Daria and is looking through her legal papers. She wears a cross, hurt expression. cut to close-up Daria)

DARIA: (to herself, feeling like she has to break the silence) Okay, then.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Quinn's room)

(Shot of Quinn's door as seen from the inside. sound of knocking. cut to shot of Quinn posing in front of her full-length mirror.)

QUINN: (sing-songy) Come in.

(cut to shot of the door. Daria opens it, pokes her head through.)

DARIA: Quinn, can we talk?

(cut to shot of Quinn. She turns around, a look of alarm on her face. Immediately assumes a melodramatic pose.)

QUINN: Why?! So you can gouge me for more money, bleed me dry an' leave me like a withered old icky prune so you can buy another one of your stupid books and some pizza with your dumb friend??! I can't take this anymore, Daria! It's bad enough I'm paying you to keep your mouth shut about the glasses thing, but what more do you want from me, Daria, what more??!! (slumps forward dramatically)

(Meanwhile, Daria's walked into the room and is standing next to Quinn. She rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Hey coz -- save the Oscar-winning performance for someone who gives a damn, all right? (Bt) Besides, the reason I'm here's not about me. It's about Mom.

(Quinn lifts her head. Her expression quickly changes from alarm to interest.)

QUINN: Mom? What f-- ? (stops. smirks delightedly) You got in trouble with her, didn't you?? (Bt. sing-songy) What'd you do, Daria??

(Pause. Daria looks down briefly, uncomfortable.)

DARIA: I'm not sure, exactly. (Bt) But what I do know is that there's only one way out of it. (Bt) I gotta... (looks down again, embarrassed) say something to her...

(Quinn leans closer.)

QUINN: Like what?

DARIA: Something. (Pause. sighs) You know that thing you say to someone when you want to show you care... a lot?

(Bt. Quinn has a thoughtful look on her face -- she's never really been in that position before.)

QUINN: What thing? (Pause. then realizes, wrinkles her nose) Oh that???

DARIA: (nodding) Yeah.

(Quinn rolls her eyes, flings a hand at Daria. laughs)

QUINN: Oh ho-ho, I feel sorry for you, Daria. (Bt) But good luck, though -- you're gonna need it. (turns back toward the mirror)

DARIA: Actually, we're gonna need it.

QUINN: What?! (spins around and looks at her with alarm)

DARIA: I'm not doing this alone.

QUINN: ("don't drag me into this") But hey, wait! Mom's mad at you!

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) So? I'm not the only culprit here. (Bt) You haven't exactly been in Mom's good graces, either.

(Pause. Quinn reflects, then wilts, realizing this is true.)

DARIA: (blackmail approach) Or would you rather I tell her you still call me cousin at school?

(Quinn gives in, rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (exasperated) Okay, okay. So what d' we do, then?

(Daria pauses briefly to think.)

DARIA: Well, considering what I know about you, I'd say you've got as little experience with saying it as I do. So I suggest we practice. (Bt) And for that, we're gonna need a bigger mirror.

(With that, Daria turns and walks out of Quinn's room. Quinn remains behind for a few moments, turns toward her mirror.)

QUINN: (to herself) I never thought I'd hear her say that. (to her reflection) Did you???

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (bathroom)

(Shot of the sinks and the mirror. Daria's already standing in front of the mirror, on the left. Quinn comes in and stands on the right.)

DARIA: Okay, I've been going over some wordplay exercises in my head, and I think I've figured out the best way we can do this.

QUINN: Great. So what is it?

DARIA: Hmm, where to start? (Pause) Okay, here goes. (voice goes into extreme deadpan, the way it did when she explained one-point perspective to Brittany in "The Invitation.") Now we've all got stuff we love, right?

QUINN: (nodding) Uh-huh.

DARIA: Good. (Bt) Now think of something you really love, like... shopping. And say to yourself over and over, "I love shopping."

(Quinn looks at her a bit scornfully.)

QUINN: Sure, that's easy. (Bt) I love shopping.

DARIA: Put on an expression that makes you look like you mean it.

QUINN: (still scornful) 'Course I mean it. (spreads her arms out. cheery) I love shopping!

(Pause. Daria observes her, then nods, satisfied with what she sees.)

DARIA: All right, I see you've firmly mastered the basics. Now let's move on to the advanced level. (Bt) Say "I love shopping" again. Only this time, replace the word "shopping" with "you."

(Quinn eyes Daria with an expression that shows she still thinks she's off-her-rocker.)

QUINN: Fine, whatever. (Pause) I love y-- (can't get the word out. repositions her mouth, tries again.) y-- (Pause) I love y-- y--... (stops. sighs. wears an "I can't believe this" expression.)

(Daria's watching her, smirking with some sympathy and lack of surprise.)

DARIA: (gently amused) Not so easy, is it?

(Quinn glares at her.)

QUINN: Okay Miss Perfect, why don't you try, now??

(Daria suddenly looks a bit nervous.)

DARIA: Um right. sure. okay. (opens her mouth as if to speak. long pause. nothing comes out)

QUINN: Well spit it out, already!

(Pause. Daria looks at herself in the mirror. She wears a slightly stunned expression. finally, slowly: )

DARIA: I don't... think I... can.

QUINN: What're you talking about?!

(Pause. Daria looks at herself searchingly in the mirror.)

DARIA: (quiet) I mean, I don't think I can say... it.

(Quinn rolls her eyes, tosses her hands in the air.)

QUINN: That's crazy -- you just said it to me a few minutes ago!

DARIA: Yeah, but that was in a theoretical context. Any attachment to the emotional.... (looks at herself hard in the mirror.)

(Pause)

QUINN: (still some exasperation. not believing her) Oh come on, even you must love something.

(Pause. Daria wilts a little. Quinn gazes at her, expression changing to sympathy and some pity.)

QUINN: You really can't say it, can you?

(Pause. Daria sighs.)

DARIA: (more to herself than to Quinn) Nope. But I guess for Mom's sake, I'll have to try.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next morning)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of inside Helen and Jake's room. Helen's dashing around, getting ready for work. cut to shot of the door to the room, as seen from the hallway. Daria and Quinn stand beside it.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) You go first.

QUINN: No way! It was your idea!

DARIA: (smirking) Yeah, but who's better at buttering up Mom with her perky smile?

(Quinn pauses to weigh Daria's compliment of her cuteness.)

DARIA: (for insurance) Coz.

(Quinn glares at her.)

QUINN: Okay, fine! (hesitates, then knocks on the door) Mom?

HELEN: (from inside) Yes?

QUINN: Um, could I talk to you for a minute? (opens the door as she says this.)

(cut to shot of Helen in the foreground, getting ready, and Quinn in the background.)

HELEN: (somewhat rushed) What is it, Quinn? I'm late.

(Quinn comes over to her, hesitates. Shifts her weight from side to side, bobs her head around. Helen eyes her impatiently.)

QUINN: Um, I just wanted to say that I think you're a really great and cool mom an' all that, and I --

(Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner. thinks Quinn wants something.)

HELEN: Quinn, we talked about this last night, and I've already said --

(Quinn makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

QUINN: Oh no-no-no, no! This isn't about the magazine subscription! This is totally different. (pause. glances briefly toward the door with some resentment) Um... I just wanted to say that I... I love (has to twist her mouth really hard to get out a barely audible) you.

(Helen's face takes on a stunned expression.)

QUINN: (once she's started, she can't stop) ... love you... I... I-I love you... Mom. (looks uncomfortable, yet satisfied.)

(Helen's expression changes from stunned to genuinely moved.)

HELEN: Oh, Quinn, what a wonderful thing to hear you say. Thank you, sweetie!

QUINN: Uh, you're welcome. (thought voice-over. peevish) Please don't make me say it again.

(Helen leans forward and hugs Quinn. Quinn -- who, as we know, doesn't like to be touched -- cringes a little. Helen draws back and musses Quinn's hair.)

HELEN: And Mom loves you, too.

QUINN: (peeved) Mom! My hair!

HELEN: (chuckles) Oops! Sorry, sorry...

(Quinn sighs.)

QUINN: (chastened. resigned) It's okay. (Bt) But I'd better redo it before I leave. So I... guess I'll see you later. (heads toward the door)

HELEN: Bye. (does a little wave)

(Quinn's at the door, opening it wider.)

QUINN: Yeah, bye. (Pause. shrugs her shoulders in a "that wasn't so bad" manner, and leaves)

(Pause. Daria glances through the open doorway. Helen has turned aside, is wearing a misty-eyed parent expression.)

DARIA: Mom?

(Helen looks toward the door.)

HELEN: (neutral tone -- none of the anger she expressed last night lingering) Yes, Daria?

(Daria opens the door wider and walks into the room. stands where Quinn stood. shuffles around like she did.)

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um... I've been thinking about what you said last night...

(Helen's face brightens a bit.)

HELEN: (gentle coaxing) Yes?

DARIA: (continuing) And I just, um, wanted to show you... (Pause. closes her eyes briefly, inhales and exhales in an act of Zen meditation. Then she quickly signs an "I love you.")

(Pause. Helen looks at her with a slightly confused expression. then frowns.)

DARIA: You got what that meant, right?

(Helen nods slowly, her expression now unreadable.)

HELEN: (subdued) Yes, I did. (Bt) Thanks.

(She turns around to resume the getting-ready stuff she was doing before. Daria watches her, confused and frowning.)

DARIA: Mom?

HELEN: (distant. subdued) Uh-huh?

DARIA: What's wrong? (Bt) I sort of thought you'd act differently -- like the way you did when Quinn talked to you.

(long Pause)

HELEN: Yes, well Quinn actually told me she loved me.

(Pause)

DARIA: (a tad annoyed) I did, too.

(Helen turns around and faces her.)

HELEN: (exasperated) Oh really? With that?! (gestures at Daria's arms)

DARIA: (a bit defensive) Hey, American Sign Language is a perfectly legitimate form of communication.

HELEN: For the deaf! (Bt) Are you deaf, Daria?!

(Daria turns away, looks uncomfortable.)

DARIA: Um, no... but I mean... (stops. suddenly has a realization. speaks in her normal assertive tone.) Now hold on. You said you didn't think I cared about you or anything, and I just proved I did. Isn't that enough?

(Helen throws her hands up in the air, glaring.)

HELEN: (irritated) I guess it's enough for you.

DARIA: (defensive. frowning) What do you mean, exactly??

HELEN: I mean, if that (exasperated gesture at Daria's arms) is all I can expect from you, then I guess I'll just have to accept it.

DARIA: (completely ticked-off) Now wait a minute --!

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (the kitchen)

(Shot of Quinn walking down the stairs, her hair back in perfect condition. cut to shot of Jake standing in the kitchen, gulping down coffee, looking about ready to leave. Quinn comes up to the counter, wearing a mischievous expression -- if Mom fawned all over her for saying "I love you," what would Dad do??? leans toward Jake.)

QUINN: Daddy?

(Jake gulps, briefly lowers mug from his lips.)

JAKE: Yeah, honey? (takes another swig)

QUINN: (pauses briefly, gears up) Um, I just wanted to say how much I (screws mouth to get out the words) love, um, you.

(Jake almost spits out the coffee. He swallows hard.)

JAKE: You what?!

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (peevish) I said I love you, Daddy.

(Jake's eyes bulge. He lays down the mug, clasps his hands together.)

JAKE: Aw gee, Quinn, do you really mean it?! You really love me?!!

(Quinn pauses to consider.)

QUINN: Uh... yes!

(Jake's overcome, misty-eyed.)

JAKE: Aw gee, sweetie... (reaches toward Quinn)

(Quinn pulls away.)

QUINN: Dad, don't touch the hair.

(Jake pulls back quickly.)

JAKE: Oh of course, of course. But -- oh geez, I'm so happy, I just gotta do something to show you how --

(He reaches into his coat. Quinn smirks expectantly as he pulls out his wallet and looks inside.)

JAKE: Here, take my gold card for the day! (holds it out to Quinn)

(Quinn reaches for it.)

QUINN: Thanks!!!

(Before she can get it, Jake grabs it back, puts it back in his wallet. Quinn watches, disappointed. Jake fiddles around in his wallet some more.)

JAKE: On second thought... (takes another card, holds it out to Quinn. her eyes practically pop out.) here's my platinum! Buy that magazine subscription you wanted!(Quinn takes the card, stares at it worshipfully.)

QUINN: Thanks, Daddy!!! (to the card) Ooh, I love you....

(Jake wipes away an imaginary tear.)

JAKE: Aw gee, what a great way to start the morning! What a great day it's gonna be! (as he says this, the sound of heavy thudding down the stairs. looks off screen) Hey, Helen! (sound of the front door slamming)

(Jake and Quinn look at each other with stunned expressions. They then look toward the stairs. cut to close-up of stairs. Daria slowly walks down them, then stops. She looks at the front door with a wilted expression.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Daria and Quinn practice in front of the bathroom mirror.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

This isn't a true commercial, but it's the sponsor announcement they sometimes make at the beginning of breaks: "MTV's too cool for school teen Daria...." Whenever I hear that, I think: what the hell have they been smoking?? All Daria does is school -- without that, she'd just spend the days in her room watching "Sick Sad World." Moreover, what kind of message is that to send to young viewers... school's not cool, etc...? 

"Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot: Daria envisions her future life with Trent, but reality threatens to get in the way... (shots of Daria and Trent eyeing each other against a pink swirly backdrop, older version of themselves talking with Jake and Helen) Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" [I put this second 'cause the dumb sponsor announcement usually comes first.] 

"Mommeeeeeeee, I want Focus Contact Lenses!" Like, why would she think her mother'd say no -- unless she had some valid medical reason?? And in that case, she probably shouldn't even get the Focus Contact Lenses. The logic of this commercial always escapes me... especially the logic that has them show it during "Through a Lens Darkly," in which Daria ultimately rejects contact lenses... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THAT THING YOU SAY

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, later that morning)

(Shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers. Daria's slumped against hers, telling Jane what happened earlier. Jane's fiddling around in her locker.)

DARIA: ...I just don't get it -- after that didn't work, I offered to say it to her in Portuguese and Swahili.

JANE: How 'bout English? What would've been wrong with that? (shuts locker)

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Do you tell your mother you love her?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Nope. (Bt) Although maybe I would if she'd stay in town long enough.

(Daria can barely force a chuckle. She looks down. Jane watches her with some concern. Daria looks at her, her face about as upset as she could get without bursting into tears and crying.)

DARIA: (quiet) She told me I was cold, Jane.

JANE: Aw, Daria, I'm sure she didn't mean it. I'll bet she was just in a really bad mood before you came in, and she took it out on you, that's all.

DARIA: Maybe... (doesn't believe that, but is groping for anything that'll make her feel better. doesn't work. sighs) Or maybe she's right.

JANE: Daria, don't do this to yourself.

DARIA: (exasperated tone, angry at herself) Well why not?? God, Jane, if I can't even say the damn words --!

(She's been staring morosely off screen as she's said this. She now sees something and frowns. We hear Quinn's muffled chatter off screen. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (peevish) Of course, saying them doesn't always mean you feel them. Sometimes people just say the words to see what they can get out of it.

(Quinn and the Fashion Club walk in front of, past Daria and Jane. pan the shot to follow as they walk. Quinn's holding out the platinum credit card for all to see. She and the other F.C.'s gaze at it greedily.)

QUINN: (chipper) And so it, like, turns out that if you say "I love you" to them they get all gushy and fall all over themselves to give you things!

F.C: Oooooh...

SANDI: (can't conceal her admiration) Great discovery, Quinn.

STACY: I'll have to try it on my parents.

QUINN: (instructional) But not too much -- otherwise they'll get used to it and the trick won't work anymore.

F.C: Okay...

(Tiffany glances behind her and looks at Quinn.)

TIFFANY: Quinn, how come your cousin, or whatever, is still at this school? (Bt) I thought her mom was supposed to take her away.

QUINN: (nonchalant) Oh, well, she would have, but the police tracked her down 'cause it turned out she, like, broke parole. Now she's in solitary. (She's still ticked-off at Amy for telling Helen that she's been pretending Daria's her cousin.)

(Sandi tosses her hair and smirks.)

SANDI: (haughty) Good. There was just something I didn't like about her. (She's still ticked-off at Amy for mocking her at the Pizza King.)

STACY: So what're you gonna do with the card, Quinn?

QUINN: ("duh" tone) Use it, naturally. Cashman's has a new line of ribbed tops and my wardrobe could stand an updating from last week.

(Sandi stops abruptly, causing the other F.C.'s to do so as well.)

SANDI: Cashman's?? (voice takes on authoritative mentor-mentee tone) Quinn, platinum credit cards do not happen every day. You need to figure out how to take advantage of the situation.

QUINN: (thoughtful) Hmm... you're right. (Bt) What d' you suggest I do, Sandi?

SANDI: (obviously waiting for this moment) I say this calls for a trip (dramatic pause) to the Mall of the Millennium.

F.C: Oh! Cool!!!

QUINN: But would we have time? It's an awful long way, and if we left after school --

(Sandi puts up a hand. Quinn stops.)

SANDI: Why wait 'til after school? We could just leave right now -- (pause. goading) unless you plan to go all nerd on us, Quinn, and not want to cut class like last time. [*] she's referring to Quinn's hesitation in "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn chuckles nervously -- she is hesitant. Finally she sighs in an amused "okay, okay" manner.)

QUINN: I wouldn't do that, Sandi -- no way. (Bt) Platinum does require a holiday from school... (eyes the credit card, smirks mischievously)

SANDI: With your friends.

(They all eye the card greedily.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Helen's office)

(Close-up shot of Helen rapping a pen against her desk. cut to wider shot. Helen sits in her chair, wearing a pensive, distracted expression. Her eyes trail over to the phone. Pause. cut to close-up shot of the phone. resume wide shot. Helen stops rapping the pen, makes a sudden movement toward the phone like she's going to pick it up. Then, just as suddenly, she stops. She sinks back in her chair, her face taking on a depressed expression. cut to a wider shot of the office. Marianne sits in the foreground, typing away, while Helen's in the background.)

HELEN: (her usual crooning tone) Marianne? Could I speak to you for a minute, please?

(Marianne stops typing. Her face takes on a wary expression -- "What does she want, now???" She turns around and looks at Helen.)

MARIANNE: Um, sure, Helen. (scoots chair up to the other side of the desk, across from her) What do you... need?

(Helen assumes a serious demeanor.)

HELEN: Dear, let's talk one-on-one for a moment, shall we? Like old friends?

MARIANNE: (nodding) Um... all right. (expression flickers across her face -- "Who's she trying to kid???")

HELEN: Now, you're a mother, right?

MARIANNE: (nodding) Um, yes. (Bt) I've told you... many times...

HELEN: (not picking up on the bitter undertone) And you have a daughter?

MARIANNE: (nodding) Yes.

HELEN: Do you and she get along? Does she say "I love you" and act glad to see you?? Does she tell you her problems without you having to drag them out of her???

(Marianne blinks a few times, startled by all the questions. starts to answer: )

MARIANNE: Um, I g--

HELEN: (rushing on) Because sometimes I just don't know what to do with Daria. It's like she and I are in two separate universes, and hers has a great big black hole in the middle that's sucking all the life out of it.

MARIANNE: Gee, it sounds --

HELEN: (rushing on) I mean who'd've thought that a child of mine could be so cold and heartless and conceited --

(Marianne regards her with a deadpan expression, as if to say, "A child of yours?? What a surprise.")

HELEN: (rushing on) And to think of all I've done for her -- all the meetings I had to postpone so I could attend one of her little recitals, all the evenings I've tried to plan --

(Marianne closes her eyes and shakes her head. Helen doesn't notice -- she's off in her own world.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High cafeteria, around noon)

(Shot of Jane and Daria walking to their usual table, carrying their usual lunch. Daria's still slumped over and looking depressed.)

JANE: (trying to lighten her mood) C'mon, I would've thought that at least Mr. DeMartino telling Kevin a fatal virus was chewing up his brain would've cheered you up.

DARIA: Maybe -- if yesterday he hadn't told him that if you lit a torch in his mouth, you'd see smoke coming out of his ears. The novelty wears off pretty fast.

(They sit down. Jane lays down her backpack on the seat and opens it.)

JANE: Well then here, maybe this'll do the trick. (takes out a sheet of paper) Trent's having me design a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

DARIA: (surprised) So they've come up with a few more decent songs than "Ice Box Woman"?

JANE: No, but..... (shrugs. then holds up the drawing in such a way that we can't see what it looks like) How does this strike you?

(Daria looks at it and frowns.)

DARIA: What is it??

(Jane sighs, as if the answer's obvious.)

JANE: It's a mystic spiral!

DARIA: (deadpan) Ooh. (Pause) Well, I gotta hand it to you, Jane: you've managed to capture perfectly something I didn't even know existed.

JANE: I knew you'd go for it. (Daria regards her with an impassive expression. Jane rolls her eyes. grumble) Aw, hell. (crumples up the paper)

(Daria smirks a "nice try." Jane shrugs. from off screen: )

JODIE: Hey you guys!

(Daria and Jane look up at her.)

DARIA & JANE: Hey, Jodie.

(Jodie stands over their table.)

JODIE: Daria, I just wanted to tell you I thought your poetry reading in O'Neill's class was really... um, interesting.

(Daria shrugs impassively.)

DARIA: Yeah, well, it wasn't quite how I wanted. I had to tone it down from what it was originally.

JODIE: Oh. I see. (her expression: "That was toned down???" then notices Daria isn't her usual self) Hey, what's wrong?

(Daria sighs.)

JANE: (speaking before Daria can reply) Daria had a fight with her mom and now she's in the hotseat because she can't figure out how to tell her mom she loves her.

DARIA: (glaring, sarcastic) Gee thanks, Jane. You know I could've told Jodie this myself, (thought voice-over) if I'd felt like it was her business.

JANE: (philosophical) Hey, look, I'm not doing anything for you and you can't go on being depressed like this. Maybe Jodie can help.

(Jodie slides in next to Jane.)

JODIE: Sure. What d' you need?

(Daria pauses, debating whether to tell Jodie the details. finally gives in.)

DARIA: Who knows? -- maybe a blowtorch to thaw me out. (sees Jane roll her eyes in an "oh come on" manner. looks at Jodie. continues, resigned) Or some advice. (Bt) How do you tell your mom... you know...?

(Jodie pauses to think.)

JODIE: Hmm, I'm not really sure. I just sort of... say it.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Oh really? (Bt) And I suppose you say it often?

(Jodie shrugs.)

JODIE: Well yeah, I guess.

(Daria's expression: "Gee, what a surprise.")

JODIE: Why? You don't?

(Daria shakes her head, looking gloomy. Jodie glances at Jane with an "I see what you mean" expression.)

JODIE: (reassuring) Well, hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Different families show their love in different ways.

JANE: And not saying "I love you" doesn't make you the ice queen.

(Daria looks a little less gloomy after these remarks, but still frustrated.)

DARIA: Yeah, well maybe I'd believe that more if my mom didn't have me feeling like I owe it to her to put on a big display.

JANE: Hmm, yeah Helen's got some interesting ideas about parent-child bonding. I'll agree that she can be pretty tough to please. (Bt. to Jodie) Hey, have you met Daria's mom?

(Jodie rolls her eyes in an amused manner.)

JODIE: Oh yeah. (Bt) My mom calls her "the raving lunatic." (momentarily forgot Daria, now looks at her, still amused and apologetic) Oops, sorry -- I shouldn't've said that.

(Pause. Daria wears an impassive expression.)

DARIA: No. (Bt) She's right.

JANE & JODIE: (stunned) Huh???

DARIA: You're both right. I mean, let's face it -- my mom's not exactly an easy person to love. (Bt) Hell, maybe I'd've told her what she wanted a long time ago if she'd've put down her cell phone long enough to listen.

JODIE: (sympathetic murmur) Hmmm...

DARIA: (continuing) Or if her idea of bonding wasn't to take ten minutes between meetings to drive us to the dentist.

JANE: (troubled by Daria's vehemence. pacifying) Aw come on now, Daria, your mom's done some pretty cool stuff for you.

DARIA: (not placated) Yeah, maybe sometimes -- but more often it's all about what I can do for her, how I should be what she wants me to be. And I am sick of it.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Helen's office)

(Close-up shot of Marianne's face. She looks as though she'd really like to be someplace else right now.)

HELEN: (off screen) ... And would you believe I spent thirty-six hours in labor with her -- thirty-six hours!!

(cut to wide shot. Helen's ranting away -- has been nonstop since that morning.)

HELEN: And when she wouldn't come out, they had to go in after her!! So you see, even then, she was -- oh-oh! (remembers something) Did I mention that she never once gave me a birthday gift I could use?!

MARIANNE: (weary) Yes, you did. (Bt) Twice.

HELEN: (surprised) Oh. (pauses to consider) Well... then I guess I can't think of anything else to tell you. (glances at the clock) Oh my! Look at the time. (raises an eyebrow at Marianne) Hadn't you better be getting back to work, dear? (says it like it was Marianne's idea to have this conversation)

(Marianne nods wearily.)

MARIANNE: Yes, of course. (quickly leaves for her desk)

HELEN: All right, then.

(She sighs, prepares to get down to business, then glances over at the phone. She gazes at it for a few seconds, then looks toward Marianne.)

HELEN: (friendly crooning) Say, Marianne, do you have any sisters...?

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Mall of the Millennium, later that afternoon)

(Shot of the Fashion Club walking through the mall. Quinn's dragging behind, pulling a cart which contains a mountain of clothing bags.)

STACY: What time is it?

QUINN: (a bit flat) Getting late...

STACY: I sure hope the limo driver's not mad at us for making him wait so long.

QUINN: (can't hide her sarcasm) Why should he be? (mutters) He's getting paid by the hour.

SANDI: Quinn, have we told you what a great friend you are for agreeing to pay for the limo ride?

STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah! You're the best, Quinn!

QUINN: (peevish) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know. (obviously this isn't the first time they've said that. Bt) But, um, shouldn't we be heading back to the limo, now?

SANDI: In a minute. (wicked smirk) There's just something I need to buy.....

(fade-out. fade-in to the counter of a clothing store. Sandi and Quinn stand beside it -- Sandi with a huge stack of clothes. cut to shot of the clerk. She holds Sandi's gold card and shakes her head.)

CLERK: I'm sorry. It's maxed out.

SANDI: (faux surprise) Bummer. (turns to Quinn) And I was so looking forward to wearing Gustape's new spring line. If only.... (looks suggestively at Quinn's purse)

(Quinn rolls her eyes. Being no dummy [even if she acts like one], Quinn strongly suspects that her friends have been taking the advice she gave earlier to heart. But because she's made a big deal about having the platinum, she can't afford to act stingy. She sighs, pulls out the credit card, and hands it to the clerk.)

QUINN: (resigned) Here, take this. (clerk takes it)

(Sandi eyes Quinn with wicked satisfaction.)

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Sandi and Quinn leaving the store. Stacy runs up to them, looks at Quinn.)

STACY: (thrilled) Quinn! I just saw a banner that said on Level 8 Plaid, there's a special on smiley-faced T-shirts! Isn't that great?! We could be twins!!

QUINN: (can barely show any enthusiasm) Oh, um, yeah.

STACY: (penitent) Of course, the only problem's that I'm kind of maxed out. (looks down)

QUINN: (sarcastic) Of course. (Bt) Listen, um, why don't you go on ahead? (gestures at her cart) I'll catch up with you later.

STACY: Great! (Bt) You're such a good friend, Quinn.

QUINN: Yeah, yeah -- now shoo.

(Stacy nodded excitedly and dashes off. pan over to Tiffany, coming out of Goldsmith's Jewelers. She wears a mischievous smirk.)

TIFFANY: (calling out) Oh, Quinn!

(Quinn goes over to her. Sandi, too busy admiring her new purchases, stays behind.)

QUINN: Yeah?

TIFFANY: (lowers her voice) Quinn, have I ever told you that I think you'd make a really great president?

(Pause. Quinn looks at her, incredulous. Then her face takes on a calculating expression.)

QUINN: (faux nonchalance) Oh really, Tiffany? You think?

TIFFANY: (nodding) Mmm-hmm.

(Pause. Quinn gets a wicked smirk on her face.)

QUINN: Gee, that's really nice of you to say. (pretends to start new conversation) And you know, Tiffany, that reminds me: we're really good friends, aren't we?

(Tiffany smirks)

TIFFANY: Mmm-hmm.

QUINN: And good friends get each other things -- don't they?

(Tiffany smirks harder.)

TIFFANY: Mmm-hmm.

QUINN: Why don't I get something for you, and (gives Tiffany a suggestive look) maybe you can give something to me -- down the road, I mean. Sound fair?

(Tiffany nods.)

TIFFANY: Definitely. (Bt. glances back into the store, points) In fact, there's this necklace I saw that looked really cute, but.... (holds up her gold card, shakes her head)

(Quinn glances in the direction where Tiffany's pointing -- from her POV, everything's kind of blurry. cut to close-up of the display with the necklace Tiffany was referring to. A sign overhead reads "$500." resume shot of Quinn and Tiffany. Quinn can't read the sign, but too late -- she's already pulling out the platinum. Wears a cheerful, wicked expression.)

QUINN: Don't worry -- consider it my treat.

(She and Tiffany exchange conspiratorial smirks.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (going home, late afternoon)

(Music plays. shot of Daria walking down a residential street, still looking gloomy. She walks past chalk marks on the sidewalk that read "Happy B-Day Mom." Stops. Looks at them, frowns with guilt. Keeps walking. Soon after, she passes a flier on a telephone pole. It reads, "24 Hour Gift and Love Store: buy that special gift to let 'em know you care." Daria looks at it, frowns as if considering, then: )

DARIA: (disgust) What a load of crap. (frowns defiantly)

(cut to shot of Helen in her office, getting her things together, looking about ready to leave. She wears a pensive expression, moves slowly.)

(music ends. fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Jake and Quinn look cheerful, Helen and Daria don't. Every so often, they eye each other coldly, but are otherwise civil. Jake is in the process of wrapping up an enthusiastic monologue about his day at work.)

JAKE: ... And to top it off, he says to me, "Jake m' man, I love your style." He loves my style!!! Wow! I never thought I'd hear any of my clients mention that! (to family) Did you?!!

HELEN: (can't dredge up any enthusiasm) No, dear.

DARIA: Many things, but outfit coordination wasn't one of them.

(Helen eyes her with silent irritation. Daria gives her the same look. They're just waiting for the right moment to set each other off.)

JAKE: Well anyway, that does it for my day. How was yours? (looks at Quinn with a special "Daddy's little girl" smile) Especially yours, sweetie?

QUINN: (nonchalant) Oh it was fine. Just another average day. (continues eating)

(Pause. Daria looks at Quinn, frowns. brief close-up Quinn's face -- she's wearing silver studs in her ears.)

DARIA: (sarcastic) Nice earrings.

(Quinn continues to eat with an air of nonchalance. Helen looks at her earrings, also frowns.)

HELEN: (suspicious) Yes, they are nice. Very nice.

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Well, well, she's actually responding to something I've said.

HELEN: Quinn, where did you get those?

QUINN: Oh, I bought them.

JAKE: (enthused. cheerful) Yeah, I gave her my platinum for the day.

(Pause. Helen cocks a brow.)

HELEN: Did you? (an edge in her voice) And why, might I ask?

(Quinn says nothing, glances at Jake. Jake looks as though he senses no harm in what he did.)

JAKE: (sentimental) Helen, when a little girl tells ya she loves you, you just can't say no to her!

(Helen's brow is still cocked with irritation.)

HELEN: (sarcastic) You can't??

(Jake now tugs at his collar, looking a bit nervous. Meanwhile, Daria's smirking in spite of herself -- "whoops, Dad and Quinn are in the doghouse.")

JAKE: Well I --

(Quinn turns to Jake.)

QUINN: Oh, that reminds me, Daddy: when I give you back your platinum, you may not want to use it right away. Not 'til, you know, a few payments have been made.

(Jake forgets about Helen momentarily, stares at Quinn with disbelief.)

JAKE: (slowly) You mean to tell me... (explodes) you maxed out my platinum??!!!

(Quinn tries to keep things under control. holds up her hands in a "calm down" gesture.)

QUINN: Maxed out? (chuckles nervously) Dad, that's such a harsh word --

HELEN: (fuming) Funny, it seems appropriate for the situation, wouldn't you say??? (casts a look at Jake that says, "I knew you couldn't handle this sort of thing on your own." Jake slumps over, looking penitent.) Quinn, all the money you spent's coming out of your glasses fund and then some!

QUINN: Hgh. (Bt. protesting. peevish tone) But half the stuff I bought's not even mine!!

JAKE & HELEN: What??!

(Quinn cowers a little.)

QUINN: Nothing, nothing...

(angry Pause. Daria smirks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) If I were you, I'd practice saying "I love you" in front of the mirror a few more times.

(Helen forgets Quinn, turns to Daria, bristling.)

HELEN: (to Jake and Quinn) Oh well! Look who finally said the words!

DARIA: (frowning. defensive) Hey, I said it in an abstract context, completely detached from myself.

HELEN: (bristling) I guess that's the only way you can say it!

DARIA: (glaring at her) Shut up!

HELEN: Don't you tell me to shut up, young lady --!

DARIA: (at the same time) Hey, I'll tell you any damn time I want to --!

(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are exchanging bewildered looks. Then Quinn carefully takes off her earrings in order to divert attention from them. Unfortunately for her, Helen happens to glance in her direction for a split second and catch what she's doing.)

HELEN: (bristling) Quinn, don't you even try to weasel your way out of this one!

(Quinn slumps over, clutching the earrings.)

QUINN: (pleading) But Mooo-- (sees Helen's glare, remembers last night. tries desperately to limit it to one syllable) Mom, can't we work something out??

HELEN: No Quinn, not after what you did! (to Jake) And as for you, it serves you right. What were you thinking, rewarding Quinn with the platinum just for saying she loves you??!

DARIA: (to Helen. sarcastic) Oh, like that's so different from what you're doing.

(Helen turns to Daria.)

HELEN: And just what do you mean by that?!

DARIA: I mean -- Quinn gave something tangible to Dad, so Dad returned the favor. You're making me give something tangible to you, even though it goes against my nature, or else you'll --

HELEN: (exasperated) Now come on! You know you can't compare what I ask of you to what they did!

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Oh can't I, now? (Bt) Funny, you seem to be as much into giving away gifts for good behavior as Dad.

(Helen appears to be geared-up to protest, but Daria rushes on before she can.)

DARIA: (continuing) What about paying Quinn to wear her glasses?? What about all the times you bribed us to do something for you??

(Helen is scowling, her teeth clenched, waiting for Daria to finish speaking.)

DARIA: (continuing) And all because you don't know any better way to get through to us. Talking takes too much time, so you'd rather just take the easy way out.

(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are cringing and glancing at each other uneasily.)

DARIA: (continuing) And for that, I'm supposed to fall all over myself and declare my love? Well forget it.

(shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting at the table, surrounded by a tense silence. Daria and Helen glare at each other like two wolves ready to attack. Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

HELEN: (quiet. cold) I don't have to listen to this.

(Daria backs out her chair, stands up.)

DARIA: Fine. (shoves the chair into the table hard) Then I'll just go to my room. I want to be the one to slam the door this time around. (she leaves)

(Helen watches her go with stony silence. long Pause. Quinn glances at her parents, sees that Jake is stunned and that Helen is focused on Daria. Slowly, very quietly, she backs out her chair. Slowly, very quietly, she stands up. Is about ready to slip away, when suddenly Jake and Helen jerk their heads in her direction.)

JAKE & HELEN: Sit down!!!!!

(Quinn cowers a little, then sinks into her chair. Pause. sound of door slamming off screen. Quinn slumps forward.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Quinn and the Fashion Club walk through the Mall of the Millennium.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

The AT&T commercial that features David Arquette acting like a goofball, chanting C-A-L-L A-T-T, C-A-L-L A-T-T... Right, like that's really gonna make me want to get their long-distance service... 

"Phantom Menace" anything, be it restaurant tie-ins, toy commercials, you name it. That movie's just come out, and already I feel like it's overstayed its welcome.... 

Bioré nose strips for blackheads (i.e: you put a strip on your nose, rip it off, and blackheads all gone). As Quinn would say: Ewwwwwwww!!! 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

THAT THING YOU SAY

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (going to school/work the next morning)

(Shot of the morning sky. ominous-sounding music starts playing. cut to shot of rolling sidewalk. pan upward to reveal a frontal shot of Daria walking. She's bent forward and scowling, her fists are clenched. She looks like she's ready to mow people over.)

(cut to frontal shot of the hood of Helen's SUV. pan upward to show Helen tensed-up at the wheel, looking like she's ready to do the same thing.)

(cut to a diagonal shot of a street without a crosswalk. Like Quinn in "Rose-Colored Lenses," Daria walks across the street, oblivious. Two cars come at her from opposite directions -- she jerks out her hands in a "stop" motion. The cars screech to a halt. She walks on.)

(cut to frontal close-up Helen. She jerks the steering wheel hard to the left. cut to wide shot. The SUV careens across three freeway lanes without signaling. sounds of honking from other cars.)

(cut to close-up of a newspaper lying on the sidewalk, near a walkway. A man is reaching down to pick it up. Daria comes along and kicks it away before he can. The man gazes at her, stunned. Daria walks on.)

(cut to side close-up of Helen's front bumper tailgating another car. sounds of honking. cut to side close-up Helen, doing her best Jake imitation. She's yelling and pumping her fist at the other cars.)

HELEN: You don't like that, do you?!! Oh well, poor baby! If you can't play with the big boys, get out of the game!!!

(cut to close-up of the flier for the "24 Hour Gift and Love Store" on the telephone pole. Daria yanks it off, tears it up, flings the pieces to the ground, and walks on.)

(cut to shot of Helen's SUV approaching an intersection with a red light. She ignores the light and barrels through, narrowly missing two cars coming from other directions. sounds of loud honking.)

(cut to shot of Jane coming down the sidewalk of her house. sees Daria.)

JANE: Hey, Darrrrr-- (head turns slowly as she watches Daria walk past, oblivious) --iiiiiiia?

(cut to wide shot of Helen's SUV hurtling into a parking space, in such a way that she takes up two spaces. She stops the car. gets out. slams the door. walks away, doesn't look back.)

(music ends. abrupt sound of a bell ringing ushers in the next scene: )

SCENE 2 (O'Neill's class)

(Close-up shot of a pencil lying on the ground, near one of Daria's boots. cut to a wider shot of Brittany crawling over to pick it up. As she does so, she feels an unkind presence hovering overhead. looks up. cut to Brittany's POV -- Daria is gazing down at her with a menacing glare. resume wider shot. Brittany freaks out, drops the pencil.)

BRITTANY: Eap!! (runs to Kevin's desk, huddles against him) Kevvy, I'm scared!

KEVIN: Don't worry, babe: I'll protect you. (looks at Daria. shudders) Ugh.

(cut to shot of Jane and Jodie standing by the doorway, watching all this take place.)

JODIE: (hushed) Oh boy.

JANE: (hushed) Yeah, you said it.

(cut to frontal shot of Daria at her desk. She sits rigidly upright, her hands clamped together. She stares straight ahead, glaring like a predator. Jane slides into her desk next to Daria's. leans toward her.)

JANE: (pacifying) Daria? It's me, your friend Jane. Remember? Your friend??

DARIA: Mmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... ("I have no friends.")

(Jane backs off.)

JANE: O-kay. (Bt) I'll just leave you alone for a while. Maybe your anger'll get pushed aside by some good ol' fashioned boredom.

(As she says this, we see a silhouette of Mr. O'Neill pass into the foreground. cut to frontal shot of O'Neill standing before the class.)

O'NEILL: Class? I'm afraid we have to bid farewell to our segment on poetry from life in order to vault into the illustrious world of Elizabethan England. We're doing Shakespeare!

(cut to shot of the class. No response. Daria looks as angry as ever. resume shot of O'Neill, oblivious.)

O'NEILL: We'll start our journey with the Bard by looking at one of his most famous plays -- King Lear! (Bt) The story of a dutiful daughter who risks everything for her beloved parent. O what courage! (wipes away an imaginary tear)

(cut to shot of the class. Still no response. Then Daria, in the foreground, slowly raises her hand.)

DARIA: Um, excuse me?

O'NEILL: Yes, Daria?

DARIA: This sounds familiar. Haven't we gone over this before? [*] see "Ill"

O'NEILL: (reflective) Hmm, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

DARIA: (an edge in her voice) What's to understand? We already did the damn play.

(O'Neill looks at her, startled. Daria scowls.)

DARIA: (irritated) Only it was from the angle of King Lear -- arrogant, proud, vain, thuggish jerk who couldn't handle his daughter thinking differently from him, so he banished her and paved the way for her eventual, untimely death.

(Pause)

O'NEILL: (flustered) My, my, Daria... you certainly, um, have a good memory.

DARIA: Yeah, well that makes one of us. (Bt) Of course, maybe if Lear's daughter hadn't been such a big idiot and left France to help her dad, she wouldn't've died. What courage.

(long Pause. O'Neill can't speak -- he can only gaze at Daria with the same stunned expression. Meanwhile, the other students sit there, silent and a little fearful. Jane claps a hand to her forehead. Finally O'Neill gets his act together: )

O'NEILL: Well, I, uh... (gives up. pleading) Aw please, could you just humor me a little?? The school's budget got cut thirty percent this year and we have to reuse all our old materials!

(Daria's eyes narrow into thin slits, and her lips press together in one line, thus giving her response.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (hallway after class)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking out of the classroom. Daria is still glowering.)

JANE: So, have you gotten it all out of your system??

DARIA: No. (Pause. sighs. slightly mollified tone) Geez, you know I never thought my mom could get to me this way.

JANE: (sympathetic) Yeah. Guess you're not a self-contained unit after all, huh?

(Daria shakes her head. They walk past Quinn and the Fashion Club without noticing them, exit off screen right. Meanwhile, Quinn is about to appeal to the hearts and minds of her "friends." She wears a beseeching expression.)

QUINN: Um, guys, so... how're you liking your things?

(Stacy's wearing a smiley-faced T-shirt similar to Quinn's. Tiffany wears the necklace.)

STACY & TIFFANY: Oh, we love 'em!/ They're great!/ Thanks so much!

SANDI: Quinn, you really came through for us yesterday.

STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah!

(Pause. Quinn looks mildly uncomfortable and resigned.)

QUINN: Um, well, that's great. I'm really glad I could help 'n' all, but there are... problems.

F.C: Oh?

QUINN: Yeah, um, my parents kind of hit the roof last night when they learned that I'd maxed out my dad's platinum. (Bt) So, I was thinking, as friends --

(The F.C.'s look at her with impassive expressions.)

QUINN: -- maybe you could sorta help me out by returning the stuff I bought for you??? (gazes at them pleadingly)

(Pause. Sandi and Tiffany remain impassive, while Stacy's eyes widen in a way that suggests she's about to start hyperventilating. Finally Sandi speaks: )

SANDI: (faux apologetic) Gee, Quinn, I would love to help you out, but I, um, spilled soda all over my new clothes. So I can't return them.

QUINN: (a bit skeptical) You couldn't wash it out??

SANDI: Oh, it's the kind that doesn't wash out.

QUINN: Oh. (Pause. peevish. skeptical) So somehow you managed to spill soda on all your outfits??

SANDI: (picking up on Quinn's tone. haughty) Hey, Quinn, do I get on your case about how you spill sunflower seeds on the rug whenever you eat them?

QUINN: (contrite) No, Sandi.

SANDI: Then maybe you should think before you criticize the eating habits of others. I mean, why make me feel bad about myself?

QUINN: You're right, I'm sorry. (turns to Stacy) So, um, Stacy?

(Stacy's mildly hyperventilating. Quinn ignores it.)

QUINN: (continuing) Y' know, it's cool you wanna dress like me 'n' all, but (spreads her arms out) I'm a one-of-a-kind original, and any form of imitation comes across as a cheap copy. So what d' we say --

STACY: (trembling, hyperventilating. crushed) So you don't want me to be like you, Quinn?? You don't want me around you at all??!

(Quinn sighs, exasperated.)

QUINN: No, I didn't say you couldn't be around -- (waves her hands) ugh forget it!! Just keep the freakin' T-shirts, okay?!

(Stacy nods. Quinn turns her attention to Tiffany.)

QUINN: Now, Tiffany, (lowers her voice) yours was the most expensive of all the stuff I bought....

(Tiffany looks at Quinn innocently.)

QUINN: (continuing) And so, I was thinking, as a friend, you'd really be doing me a huge favor if you, um, returned it.

(Tiffany looks at Quinn with vague surprise. Quinn, remembering their deal, makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

QUINN: (hushed) Not, of course, like I couldn't buy you another gift, a less expensive one....

TIFFANY: (faux reluctance) But Quinn, I thought this was a token of our friendship. It really means a lot to me. (fingers the necklace)

(Quinn throws her hands in the air.)

QUINN: (irritated) And I don't?!

(Tiffany shrugs with indifference.)

QUINN: I can't believe this!! My parents are gonna kill me! What's the point of having me as a friend if I'm dead??!

SANDI: (smirking) Well let's put it this way, Quinn: at least we'll have something to remember you by.

(Quinn glares at her, unleashes a huge groan of rage, and stomps away off screen. The F.C.'s watch her go. Stacy's stopped hyperventilating, looks contrite.)

STACY: Guys, maybe we should just return the stuff.

(Sandi and Tiffany give her the evil eye.)

SANDI: Did someone say you could speak??

(Stacy cowers a little.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Helen's office)

(Shot of Helen sitting at her desk. She's not working, again -- highly unusual. She wears a stormy expression, and is rapping her pen against the desktop the way she was the day before. As she does so, she glances at family photos at the edge of her desk. cut-to close-up of the photos: they're the ones we've seen in "Daria!" We now see Helen's hand reach into the shot and, with the pen, swat Daria's photo face-down. resume wide shot. Helen returns to beating the pen against her desk, but then, after several seconds, stops. Looks at the photo with a contrite expression. cut to close-up of photos. Helen reaches over and slowly puts Daria's up in the correct position. resume wide shot. She looks at the photo, then sinks back in her chair and stares into space. Pause. We now see Marianne rush on screen. Helen does, too. Her face brightens.)

HELEN: (normal cheery tone) Oh, Marianne??

(Marianne rushes past her.)

MARIANNE: Can't talk now, Helen -- work, work, work! (disappears off screen)

(Helen sinks down lower in her chair and sighs.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (bathroom at Lawndale High, around noon)

(Outside shot of the school. cut to inside shot of the bathroom. Daria and Jane stand in front of the mirror. Jane's showing Daria another illustration, holding it in such a way that, again, we can't see what's on it.)

JANE: So, do you think flesh-eating skeletons scream Mystik Spiral?

(Pause. Daria looks at the illustration, frowning with thought.)

DARIA: Well, considering the band has no other image worth mentioning, I guess death and cannibalism is a start.

JANE: I'll put it on the "maybe" pile. (tucks it into her backpack)

(Pause. Daria looks into the mirror, changes the subject.)

DARIA: Hey, Jane?

JANE: Yeah?

DARIA: (slowly. reflective) You know, my rant in O'Neill's class got me thinking. (Bt) I wouldn't be so bent-out-of shape about my mom if I didn't feel... (blushes, looks down)

JANE: (sensing what she's going to say. gentle coaxing) Yeah?

DARIA: Well, if I didn't feel, um, like she does do... stuff for me.

JANE: (faux nonchalance) You don't say.

DARIA: (nodding) Yeah. (Bt) Like all those times she's given me advice about being more open-minded, like with the contact lenses or that story I had to write last year.

JANE: You're referring to that annoying, intrusive advice you usually hate?

(Daria lets out a chuckle and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Yeah, that advice I usually hate. (Pause. reflective) Although now that I think about it, maybe it's really not so bad. (Bt) I guess having my mom be mad at me's brought home the fact that... (looks down again) I sort of do care about her opinions.

JANE: (comprehending murmur) Hmm...

DARIA: (continuing) And I don't know... I'm starting to think that maybe she does deserve to hear me tell her so. (Pause. looks like she's going to say something else, then sighs with frustration.)

JANE: (understanding the source of Daria's frustration. gentle) So have you figured out how?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: No. All I know is that I can't say that thing my mom wants me to say.

JANE: (supportive) Well let's see, then, if we can't find some other way for you to express yourself.

(Daria nods emphatically.)

DARIA: Yeah. My way.

(She and Jane both concentrate, their faces taking on slight frowns. long Pause. Then Jane's face brightens with an idea.)

JANE: Hey, what about making one of those photo collages -- the kind that have hidden messages in them like "peace" and "Paul McCartney is gay."

(Daria cocks a bemused eyelid.)

DARIA: Nice idea, but a photo collage isn't me. (Pause) I'd probably be better off if I wrote something for her.

JANE: Yeah, now there you go -- you could give her one of your classic stories. Or better yet, a poem. A nice one, though, not like the kind you read in class....

(Suddenly, Daria's face takes on a look of realization.)

DARIA: Hey, that's it. (Bt. glances at Jane's backpack, turns to her slowly) Jane, would Trent be at home right now?

(Jane utters a short laugh.)

JANE: Probably -- where else would he be. (Bt) Why?

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: I'm just starting to feel very sick, that's all. I think Trent might have a cure for me and my problem.

(Pause. Jane suddenly gets it. smirks conspiratorially at Daria.)

JANE: If I were you, I'd fake cramps instead. They'll let you out of here, no questions asked.

DARIA: Consider it done.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria getting out of school/ going to the Lanes')

(Music plays. shot of the hallway and the door to the nurse's office. Daria walks up to the door normally, then suddenly grabs her groin and staggers into the office. fade-out.)

(fade-in to wide outside shot of the Lanes' house. Daria's walking down the sidewalk, turning up the walkway.)

(music continues to play as we cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Helen's office, late afternoon)

(Shot of Helen as she was earlier -- sitting at her desk and staring into space. music ends with the abrupt ring of the telephone. Helen sits up straight, makes a jerking noise like she's going to lunge for it. Then she relaxes, as though she knows it's not going to be who she wants it to be. After a few rings, she calmly picks it up.)

HELEN: (neutral tone) Hello?

(Pause. Then we hear a male voice on the other end which we'd probably recognize.)

GUY: Uh, hi, is this Helen Morgendorffer?

(Helen frowns slightly, a bit suspicious -- it could be a potential client, but it sounds like another telemarketer.)

HELEN: Yes, and who may I ask is calling??

(brief Pause)

GUY: Look, you've probably never heard of me, but I'm Joel Silverman, your sister Amy's... friend.

(Helen looks startled. She can't speak for a few seconds. then: )

HELEN: Why yes I have heard of you -- she mentioned you while she was here. (voice takes on a note of alarm) What -- is something wrong with Amy???

(cut to shot of Joel, sitting in what looks like another office chair, his feet up on a desk, legs crossed.)

JOEL: No, no -- she hasn't dropped dead or anything. No sudden illnesses, either. (Bt) But... she's not exactly all right.

(cut to shot of Helen, looking curious and somewhat disturbed.)

HELEN: What do you mean??

(split screen diagonal, Helen on the left, Joel on the right.)

JOEL: I mean she's been really down since she came back from visiting you -- hasn't been herself at all.

HELEN: (stunned and disquieted at the thought of her sister being "down") She hasn't??

JOEL: Nope. (Bt) And because that's the case, I've been dying to know: just what exactly went on that weekend??

HELEN: (tries to sum it up) I, well, I.... (voice suddenly takes on a suspicious tone) Why, what has she told you?? Because let me say that there are two sides to every story, and I think she was way, way, way more at fault than I was!

(Pause)

JOEL: She hasn't told me anything. (Bt. a bit flat) She doesn't talk about stuff like this. That's why I'm calling you.

(Pause. Helen looks chastened.)

HELEN: Oh. (Pause. tries again to sum up what happened) Well, then... let me see... I, well it started when... (gives up. sighs) I'm sorry, Joel -- I can't go into it. It's just too complicated.

JOEL: (subtle disappointment) Hmm, I see discretion runs in the family.

HELEN: (sympathetic murmur) Hmm-hmm. (Bt) Um, so does Amy know you're calling me now? How did you find this number?

JOEL: No, she doesn't know I'm calling. And I'd kinda rather she not know, if that's all right. I don't want her to find out I sneaked through her address book to look you up.

(Helen's expression appears touched as he says this.)

JOEL: (continuing) I know, I know, I shouldn't've done it, but I was worried about her.

HELEN: (reflective murmur) Hmmmm... (Pause) Well, I must say, Joel, she's very lucky to have you to look out for her like that.

JOEL: Thanks. (utters a short laugh) I just wish I could've been more help.

(Pause)

HELEN: (sober) Actually, you have been a lot of help -- more than you realize. (Bt) And trust me, Joel: this will all get cleared up before long.

JOEL: I can only hope. (Bt) Anyway, it was nice talking to you, Helen. Glad Amy remembered to mention me.

HELEN: (somewhat absently) Yes, it was nice talking to you, too. (Pause) Goodbye.

(cut to full screen of Helen. She hangs up the phone, a thoughtful look on her face.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 8 (going home, evening)

(Contemplative music plays. shot of the Lanes' house from the outside. cut to inside shot of downstairs hallway. Trent's walking Daria to the door. Daria's about to cross the threshold, when suddenly she stops and turns to look at Trent.)

DARIA: (serious) Now I'm counting on you to remember this stuff, so do you have it down?

TRENT: Hey, don't worry, it's cool. I got it all right up here. (taps his head)

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid. She then reaches into her jacket and pulls out a piece of paper.)

DARIA: Well, um, just in case, here's this. (hands him the paper)

(Trent takes it and examines it with interest.)

TRENT: Oh yeah -- so that's how the first line goes.

(Daria shakes her head, walks out the front door. fade-out.)

(fade-in to a frontal close-up of Helen driving the SUV. She's wearing the same thoughtful expression she was wearing earlier, after her conversation with Joel. cut to wide shot of the SUV approaching the Morgendorffers' house. fade-out.)

(fade-in the frontal close-up of Daria walking down the sidewalk, on her way home. She also seems to be deep in thought, frowning slightly. cut to wide shot of the Morgendorffer house. We see that the SUV has already arrived and is parked in the driveway. Daria turns up the walkway and heads for the front door.)

(music ends. cut to: )

SCENE 9 (Morgendorffer house)

(Shot of the door as seen from the inside. Daria opens and closes it, then wipes her forehead in an exhausted manner. She lifts her sleeve to glance at her watch.)

DARIA: (to herself) 'Kay, he should be here pretty soon. (Bt) I sure hope this works.

(She walks up the stairs. cut to shot of the top of the stairs and the hallway. Daria reaches the top, starts to walk down the hall. She's still lost in thought, not paying attention to her surroundings. Suddenly she bumps into Helen, coming from the opposite direction, similarly preoccupied. They both go "oomph!" and step back to look at each other, wearing startled, awkward expressions.)

DARIA: Oh... I... um...

HELEN: (at the same time) I-well, I...

(They both see that the other's demeanor has noticeably softened since last night. Finally Helen put her hand up in a signal for Daria to stop talking.)

HELEN: (serious) Daria, let me speak to you for a moment, will you? I have a lot I need to get off my chest.

(Daria nods.)

DARIA: Okay.

(Helen twists her hands together, lets her eyes drift around. Wears an uncomfortable expression.)

HELEN: I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about my attitude these past few days, and...

(Daria watches her with a neutral expression.)

HELEN: (continuing, deeply contrite) I realize that I've been rather unfair to you. I've been expecting you to make some grandiose statement about how much you love me, when in fact that's not your way and never has been.

(Daria's face takes on a look of surprise.)

HELEN: (continuing) Your way has always been to express yourself through the subtle approach, and I guess, in all my hurt feelings, I forgot that that... could be just as good. (Pause. looks at Daria) So, even if you don't accept my apology, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

(Pause. Daria wears the same surprised expression and can't speak for a few seconds. Then the surprise fades from her face and she smirks a little.)

DARIA: It's okay -- I guess I can't blame you for doubting me. Sometimes I could stand to be a little more obvious. (Pause) Like last night (looks down, blushes) when I said that stuff at dinner....

(Helen watches her with a receptive expression.)

DARIA: (continuing) It wasn't the whole truth, believe me. (Bt) And what's more, it was kind of mean and I should kind of, um, apologize.

(She glances Helen, looking contrite. Pause. Then Helen smiles faintly and gives a conciliatory nod. Daria smirks faintly with relief.)

DARIA: (continuing. frank) Look, Mom, the truth is that I don't know why I can't say the stuff you want me to say. Maybe it's just some phase I'm going through that I'll outgrow, who knows? (Bt) But even though I can't say the words right now, I do... (looks down, blushes again) think them, sometimes.

(Pause)

HELEN: (warmly) I know you do, honey. I believe you.

(Pause)

DARIA: (surprised) You do?? (Pause) Um, that's great.

(Pause. She and Helen look at each other.)

DARIA: I guess this pretty much nullifies the song, then.

HELEN: Song??

(sound of doorbell ringing off screen. Helen looks questioningly at Daria. Daria nods her head in a "follow me" manner. They go downstairs.)

(cut to shot of the front door. Quinn dashes over to it, followed by Jake. She opens the door, and we see Trent standing there, holding a guitar case.)

JAKE: Hey! It's m' man, Trent!

TRENT: Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer. Hi (looks at Quinn, can't remember her name) you.

QUINN: What're you doing here?? (scrunches her nose as she says this, as if it's beyond her why an uncute guy would come to her house)

TRENT: Oh, well I --

DARIA: (off screen) Here, let me explain.

(pan to shot of her and Helen coming from the stairs. Daria walks over to Trent and stands next to him. He greets her with a crooked smile.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria.

DARIA: (calmly) Hey, Trent. (having spent hours with him, she no longer shows any lingering signs of shyness)

TRENT: So where d' you want me to set up?

DARIA: How 'bout just over there? (points to the living room)

(Trent saunters inside, heads toward the living room. Helen eyes Daria with extreme curiosity.)

HELEN: Daria, what is this??

DARIA: You'll see. Just sit down, and I'll tell you everything.

(cut to shot of the couches. Helen and Jake go sit down on the center couch, while Quinn slides onto the left hand one, next to them. Trent is already parked on the coffee table, opening his guitar case. Daria comes over and stands next to him, looks out at her family.)

DARIA: Okay, let me just say that this afternoon, I got it in my head that a certain member of this family (brief close-up Helen, wearing a "Who me?" expression) deserved a show of appreciation for all that she's done for me. So I went over to Trent's place and we put together a song.

TRENT: Yeah, it's pretty damn good if I do say so, myself. (chuckles, coughs)

(Daria smirks at him, flattered. Turns again to look at family.)

DARIA: So now he's come over to play it for all of you. (Bt. backs away, toward the stairs) Meanwhile, I'll just be up in my room. You can tell me how you liked the song after it's over -- if you choose to do so. (starts to leave)

JAKE & HELEN: (amused protests) Oh come on, Daria/ Stay here 'n' listen with us.

(Daria stops and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Must I? (Bt) Being the center of attention goes against my nature.

HELEN: (amused. firm) Well you can put aside your nature for a few minutes, can't you??

(Daria sighs, smirks)

DARIA: Hell, why not?

(She goes and sits down on the couch next to Quinn.)

(cut to close-up Trent. He takes out his guitar, strums a few chords. Clears his throat, coughs.)

TRENT: Now the name of this song is... (frowns. looks at Daria) what's it called again?

DARIA: "Through Rhyme." (vague alarm creeping in) Are you sure you can do this??

TRENT: (picking up on her fear. "calm down") Yeah, yeah, it's cool. I got it. (clears his throat again) "Through Rhyme" -- nice.

(He strums a few more practice chords, then launches into a haunting melody. As he plays and sings the song, we see various shots of him -- a wide shot, a close-up of his face, a close-up of his hand strumming the guitar, a back shot, et cetera.)

I know it's pretty easy,   
To assume I'm not aware.   
You feel you've tried to please me,   
And believe I just don't care.

Well I don't know how to say it,   
But I've known it all the time.   
So instead I'll have to play it,   
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

(strums a few repeat chords, then: )

There's no point in me lying,   
There's a feeling that's inside.   
It's one I've tried denying,   
But I've found it will not hide.

And this feeling, I can't fight it,   
'Cause it's growing every day.   
So I guess I'll have to write it,   
And let it show some way.

And what this feeling means,   
I can't foresee.   
It's a feeling that I can't describe.   
One thing that I'll say is   
It's changed me in some way,   
And has caused me to see   
How you've grown on me.

(At this point, pan over the four Morgendorffers listening to the song. Jake and Helen are enraptured. Quinn is also focused on Trent, and wears a blank expression. Daria sits as far away from her family as possible, trying to look as uninterested as possible.)

Well now that it's all open,   
There's nothing left to do,   
Except maybe some hoping that   
It's the start of something new.

And that maybe somehow one day,   
When we feel the time is right,   
We'll express our thoughts a new way,   
And bring our selves to light.

(hushed)

Well I can't go any longer.   
I'm afraid I can't pretend.   
The rest we'll have to wait and see,   
So this song has reached an end.

And I don't know how to say it,   
But I thank you for your time.   
So instead I'll have to play it,   
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

Well I don't know how to say it --   
So instead I'll have to play it --

There's a feeling, I can't fight it --   
So I guess I'll have to write it --

Well I don't know how to say it,   
Though perhaps some day I will.   
But for now I'll have to play it,   
And show I'm with you, still.....

(Trent hits a final, decisive note and bows his head. He then glances up a little to see the reactions. Looks at Daria.)

TRENT: That okay?

(Before responding, Daria turns to see her parents' reactions. Helen and Jake look as though they've been desperately trying to hold back tears -- and now, suddenly, they burst. They grab each other and start sobbing.)

TRENT: (cocking a bewildered eyebrow at them) Whoa. (Bt. to Daria) Is this the response you wanted?

(Daria looks at her parents, also bewildered.)

DARIA: I'm not sure. (shrugs) But I guess it's close enough.

(Quinn, who's also been watching Helen and Jake, now turns to Daria, glowering.)

QUINN: (irritated) Dammit, Daria, could you make me look any worse in front of Mom and Dad?!

(Daria smirks at her. Quinn sinks into a pouty pose. Trent looks at Daria with a vaguely admiring expression.)

TRENT: You know, you're a pretty good song writer. Mystik Spiral could use someone like you.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) An interesting suggestion. (thought voice-over) And if underwater basket-weaving and professional wrestling don't pan out, I might consider it.

(Helen now breaks away from Jake and leans toward Trent, wiping her eyes.)

HELEN: Young man, thank you for coming over and playing that for us. (eyes Daria) It was beautiful.

(Daria rolls her eyes and blushes.)

TRENT: Hey, no problem. Maybe you could spread the word to your friends about Mystik Spiral. We do parties, even for folks your age. (lays guitar back in its case, closes it) Although we're thinking about changing our name.

(Trent gets off the coffee table, guitar case in hand, and starts walking toward the door. As he's doing so, Quinn's face suddenly brightens.)

QUINN: Hey, I was just thinking: maybe I should write a song!

DARIA: (deadpan) What a great idea. I suggest you get started.

(Quinn looks pointedly at Trent.)

QUINN: (sing-songy) Oh, Tre-ent...

(Trent gazes at her blankly. Daria smirks at him with sympathy, then turns to glance at her parents. She catches Helen looking at her. For a few seconds, she returns the gaze. Then she glances away, blushing.)

DARIA: (muttering thought voice-over) Damn, I knew I should've just gotten her something from the 24 Hour Gift and Love Store.

(But she can't really complain -- all is right with the world once again.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 10 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Close-up shot of the telephone in the kitchen. Helen approaches it hesitantly, then stops. looks at it. does a few Zen breathing exercises. Then she grabs the phone and punches a few buttons, including autodial, before she can change her mind. Puts the phone against her ear.)

HELEN: (muttering. to an invisible person) All right, you owe me big for this one.

(cut to close-up shot of Amy's phone. It starts ringing. We see Amy reaching for it -- she's been reading and lying in pretty much the same pose as she was in "Through a Lens Darkly." She eyes the phone hesitantly for a couple of seconds, then clicks it on and puts it against her ear.)

AMY: Hello?

(cut to split screen diagonal, Amy on the right, Helen on the left.)

HELEN: (serious) Amy?

(Pause. Amy's face takes on a sober, yet not entirely surprised, expression.)

AMY: Helen. (Bt) Hi.

HELEN: Listen, Amy, I think we need to talk about what went on last weekend.

(Pause. Amy nods slowly.)

AMY: Yeah, I think we do, too. (Bt) Um, Helen, (looks down) I've been wanting to call you, but I, I-um...

(Helen nods.)

HELEN: I understand -- I was, too.

(Both let out a slight chuckle, which eases the tension a little.)

HELEN: Look, last weekend we both said things to each other that we didn't mean.

(long Pause. Amy cocks an eyebrow. Finally Helen sighs with amusement and exasperation.)

HELEN: All right, all right, we meant everything we said to each other. (Bt) But that doesn't mean we can't work past it, does it??

(Amy smirks faintly.)

AMY: No, it doesn't.

(Pause. Neither one can figure out what to say next.)

HELEN: Well good. All right, then...

AMY: Yeah, good...

(Pause)

HELEN: So, um...

(Pause. Than Amy chuckles and reveals a full-on smirk.)

AMY: Helen, we're really gonna have to work on our communication skills.

(Helen smiles.)

HELEN: Yeah.

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

Phew! I have to say that of my three fanfics, this one was definitely the hardest to write. It was a pretty draining experience; every time I read over the scene where Helen accuses Daria of not loving her, I squirmed a little.

And as you no doubt saw, there are way fewer ha-ha moments in this fic than there were in "The Tie That Chokes" or even "Rose-Colored Lenses." Originally, I had planned to use the Quinn subplot solely as a vehicle for comic relief, but then I came up with the idea of her getting "just desserts" for manipulating her dad's affection. (Poor Jake: one thing that almost gets lost in this episode is that he's really starving for love, too.) I probably could have made slightly better use of the Mall of the Millennium backdrop, but oh well...

The most difficult scenes to write were in Act III. I rewrote the scenes with Daria and Jane in the bathroom and the final discussion between Daria and Helen about a million times; my aim was to make their "changes of heart" seem convincing, rather than rushed. Don't know if I entirely succeeded, but I think I came close enough.

But without a doubt, the hardest thing to write was the SONG! For several days, I was racking my brains trying to think of how to approach it. I didn't want it to be schlocky, and I didn't want it be just a repeat of what had already been discussed (I wrote it after I'd written the whole episode); also, it had to come from the mind of a cynical, closed-in seventeen year-old. A hard task, but once I figured out what the song would be about, it didn't take me too long to write it (and too bad you can't read melodies over the Internet, because with the melody it sounds better.) My feeling is that Daria wouldn't write this kind of song at this point in the series, but later, after she and Helen had done a bit more "bonding." Ever since "Arts 'N' Crass," I've seen a relationship slowly developing between them...

In fact, I view this episode as my homage to the "bookend" episodes of Season Two -- "Arts 'N' Crass" and "Write Where It Hurts." Here, as there, Daria starts off by making something Helen hates, then by the end makes something she loves.

Some might wonder if I didn't exaggerate Daria's and Quinn's extreme difficulty with saying "I love you" to their parents. I don't know. I think Daria would be as unable to say "it" on a real episode as here, although Quinn might say it easily in a superficial kind of way. I just wanted to pinpoint how dysfunctional our beloved family was beneath the surface, as well as on the surface.

Now on to some points of interest...

Helen and Amy: Ain'tcha glad they made up?? If the song hadn't already been used in "Quinn the Brain," I would've loved to have made Monaco's "What Do You Want From Me?" the song for the closing credits. I picture, after Helen speaks for the last time, a triumphant: "Sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaaaaa...!"

Originally, I had planned to draw out the freeze in Helen and Amy's relationship for a few more episodes, but in the midst of writing "The Tie That Chokes," I thought: "Nah." I didn't want Amy to become too much of a downer character. But let me hasten to add that even though they've made up, not all will be peachy between them. I plan to address this further down the road....

Amy and Joel: It may be a bit more obvious now than it was in "The Tie That Chokes," but Amy puts distance between herself and everyone else, including her longtime boyfriend. I plan to address this, too, down the road...

Quinn and her glasses: If you're already tired of Quinn's dodge with the glasses, don't worry -- it will get resolved before long. It's not gonna be like the Fashion Club power struggle, which just goes on and on and on and on and ON with no resolution in sight...

Helen's SUV rampage at the beginning of Act III: If you suspected it was based on my own antipathy toward SUV's, you were right. Scary thing is, based on what I've experienced, my portrayal wasn't even exaggerated...

That's it for points of interest... now on to the games!!

In my last fanfic, I asked how many smirks there were, and who smirked the third-most. Robert Loudner brought it to my attention that of all the characters in TTTC, Helen was the one who smirked the third-most. That bowled me over, since, as I pointed out to him, she was easily the most miserable character in that episode.

Anyway, here's his breakdown:

Amy = 25 smirks (happy gal!) Daria = 12 smirks Helen = 4 smirks Quinn = 3 smirks Linda = 2 smirks (one a smirk within) Sandi = 1 smirk Jane = 1 smirk

That comes to 47 total (48 if you count the smirk within... although if that's the case, maybe the smirk count should be 60, since we know Jane would be infinitely smirking). And yes, Robert, that does make for a happy town. :-)

Oh, and I should point out that I run an open door policy when it comes to these games: if, like, 20 people play them and e-mail me their answers, I'll list their names in my next fic, even if they aren't right! But you have to do it before the next fic comes out, and I'm trying to make them about 3 weeks apart...

Now the new game: This one's both easier and harder. You don't have to go through the laborious process of counting, but you do need to have read all three of my fanfics. My questions -- Which of the following three lines occurs in all three of my episodes (note: no line appears more than once per episode)?? Who says them, and in what scenes??

a) What's that supposed to mean? b) What d' you think? (that wasn't a pun, by the way) c) Mmmrrrrrrr...

On to acknowledgments: Thanks, once again, to Outpost Daria for being my encyclopedia. The episode transcripts were really helpful for stuff like the King Lear scene. And thanks to John Berry -- Jane's "block" in "My Quinn's Delayed Reaction" inspired my fanfic scenario in which she has difficulty creating a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

And finally, -- taking a page from C.E. Forman, I'm also in the process of forming a mailing list. If anyone wants to be on it, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

Whew... it's over, it's finally over! Just kidding......... thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999. All rights reserved. 


	4. 'Shipped Out

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics... 

This is the fourth fic in my chronology. Although I don't have to list the others in order anymore, I will: "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say." This isn't really a follow-up, although it does allude to my last fanfic. 

I'd give this fic a 1.5S, maybe even a 1S. It's a fairly quick read...

Moreover, the tone of this episode is strikingly different from that of "That Thing You Say" or even "The Tie That Chokes." It's lighter... and, some would say, more wicked. If you're a hardcore 'shipper who can't bear to see Trent or Daria with anyone else, my message to you is as follows: Get away! Get awaaaaaaaaaay!! Don't read this!

The rest of you.....................enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: The freaked-out woman is standing in the dark, holding a candle. She looks around, quivering, "W-who's there??" Then the scary looking guy shows up behind her. Eek!

[intro theme music...................]

'SHIPPED OUT byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (a land unknown)

(Pink clouds swirl around. Soft New Age music plays. In the distance, we see a silhouette of Trent. Suddenly, the clouds part, and Trent walks forward into the foreground. He stares straight ahead off screen, smiles a crooked smile.)

TRENT: (purring. voice echoing) Daria?

(Pause. cut to close-up Daria. She's standing there, wearing her dreamy-eyed "Trent" expression.)

DARIA: (sweet. vulnerable) Yes, Trent?

TRENT: You know, I've never said this before, but I think you've really grown on me.

DARIA: Really, Trent?

TRENT: Yeah. In fact, I'd really like it if we could (pause) get together.

DARIA: Get together?

TRENT: Yeah, get together.

DARIA: Cool. (Pause. frowns slightly and speaks in her normal reasonable tone) But, by getting together, wouldn't we be violating several statutory rape laws?

(Beat)

TRENT: What's "statutory rape"?

DARIA: I dunno.

(cut to close-up Trent. We see only his face and upper torso, which is bare. He cocks an eyebrow. cut to close-up Daria. We see only her face and upper shoulders -- also bare. Daria wears a smirk that is about as close to a smile as she can get. Suddenly, from off screen, we hear a piercing beep. Daria frowns and glances sideways...)

(Suddenly poof, everything vanishes. We find Daria in bed, opening her eyes. She glances at her alarm clock, a confused expression on her face. Her confusion quickly turns to irritation . She glares at the alarm clock, then reaches over and whacks the snooze button with her fist. Sits up, puts a hand on her forehead, realizes she's all sweaty.)

DARIA: (stunned and a little breathless) Whoa.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (walking to school the next morning)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk.)

DARIA: I had that dream again last night.

JANE: The one where we burst into song?

(Beat. Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: Ugh -- God, no. (Bt) But this one was almost as bad. It --

(Jane puts her hands up.)

JANE: Wait -- say no more. (Bt) Daria, if you're gonna say what I think you're gonna say, please spare me the details. He's my brother, remember?

DARIA: Sorry.

(Pause)

JANE: (hushed) Wow, second one in a week. (Bt) You've really got it bad for him, haven't you?

(Daria looks embarrassed to be talking about this.)

DARIA: (muttering) Yeah. I've gone from petty crush to committing penal code violations. What's next?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: I dunno. But do yourself one favor: next time you dream about ugh (shudders to indicate the act) with my brother, dream yourself a few years older, okay??

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (O'Neill's class)

(Shot of O'Neill, his back to us, scribbling stuff on the board. We see the title Othello with arrows pointing downward to "Othello" and "Desdemona," along with some other names. cut to frontal close-up Daria and Jane, sitting at their desks. Daria stares at the board impassively. Jane leans toward her.)

JANE: (hushed) Remember what I told you about hitting him with the megaphone and floodlights??

DARIA: (resolute) No.

JANE: But think of the possibilities!

DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah -- the possibility of me being dragged off in a white coat without sleeves because no one in their right mind would do something that stupid.

(Jane tosses her hands in the air, sits up straight at her desk.)

JANE: (a bit exasperated) Okay, fine. Do you have any better ideas??

DARIA: (mumbling. uncertain) Um, well I was just, um...

(Jane smirks with satisfaction.)

JANE: I thought not. (Bt. more serious) Listen, Daria, I'm really starting to think you should just tell Trent how you feel about him, the sooner the better.

DARIA: And if I choose to suffer in silence?

(Jane shrugs, looks a tad resigned.)

JANE: Well, then, there's the possibility... I don't know, that he could meet somebody.

(Pause. For a second, Daria just sits there, blinking her eyes and looking startled. She's never thought about this before -- has never wanted to.)

DARIA: (somewhat distressed) You're not serious??

(Jane realizes that she's stumbled into delicate territory. Tries to make light of it.)

JANE: Well, no... hey, I'm just speculating... (bursts out a chuckle or two) I mean, this is Trent we're talking about.

DARIA: (relieved. smirking) Yeah -- it's enough he manages to clothe and feed himself. Dating would kill him.

(Cut to shot of O'Neill in the front of the room. He turns around and faces the class, hands clasped together in an "oh boy, goody" manner.)

O'NEILL: Class, today we bid farewell to our beloved incompetent monarch, King Lear, and start our focus on one of Shakespeare's most famous couples --

(Brittany waves her hand.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Romeo and Juliet??

(Pause)

O'NEILL: Uh... no, Brittany. (gestures at the blackboard) Othello and Desdemona.

JANE: (hushed. to Daria) To think how much that poor girl must've had to strain her brain to come up with that.

DARIA: (barely comprehending murmur) Mmmm...

(She wears a reflective expression. Jane sees that she's not entirely "with it" and turns her attention back to O'Neill.)

O'NEILL: (taking this too seriously tone) Othello and Desdemona -- such a lovely pair, yet everything went so wrong. Why is that??

(Cut to close-up Daria, still reflective.)

O'NEILL: (off screen) Why were two people from such different worlds drawn together in the first place? Othello, a black Moor in a white society.....

(O'Neill's voice fades away. Suddenly, the whole scene fades out. fade-in to a fantasy scene taking place several years later. Daria and Trent are standing with Helen and Jake by the Morgendorffers' front door. Daria, Helen, and Jake all look the way they did in the "Write Where It Hurts" fantasy future sequence. Trent looks about the same as we're used to seeing him -- only he's got a full goatee, a receding hairline, and a bit of a spare tire. Helen and Jake appear distressed, while Daria is calm, but determined.)

HELEN: But you two are so different!

JAKE: Yeah! (gestures at Daria) You're a successful columnist at a major national newspaper and are on tenure track at a world-class university, while he's, he's a -- (gestures at Trent)

TRENT: (deadpan) A musician.

(Daria puts her arms around his waist.)

DARIA: (defending him) An artist. A poet about life.

(Trent looks at her questioningly. Then his face goes reflective.)

TRENT: Hmm... (likes the way "poet about life" sounds)

(Beat)

HELEN: (still distressed) But what about that nice boy, Marcello? Weren't you two going out??

DARIA: (scoffing) Marcello's a pompous intellectual sealed away in his ivory tower. Whereas Trent's out where life is happening. He tries to change society through song.

TRENT: Um, yeah. (a slightly puzzled look on his face)

(Meanwhile, Jake's going into his explosive mode.)

JAKE: Well I'm not gonna stand for it!!!

HELEN: (cautioning) Jakey, your heart...

JAKE: I don't care, Helen! (to Daria) I'm telling you, Daria, if you marry this jerk, I'm cutting you out of my will!!!

HELEN: (resigned) Jake, don't bother -- it won't make a difference. (Bt) She's already earned millions of dollars from her three award-winning best sellers, not to mention thousands more on the lecture circuit.

JAKE: (realizing she's right. resigned, too) Hmm, oh yeah.

(Daria turns to Trent.)

DARIA: C'mon, let's go before the chapel closes.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: Yeah, we are there, baby.

(A slight frown passes across Daria's face. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High hallway, the present -- toward the end of the day)

(Close-up Jane.)

JANE: Earth to Daria.

(Cut to wide shot. Daria's standing by her locker, in a daze. She shakes her head, comes to.)

DARIA: (startled) Huh?

JANE: (puzzled. amused) Geez, you've been a space cadet all day. What's up?

DARIA: (still a bit dazed) Uh, what time is it? (looks down, checks her watch) Oh -- time to leave.

JANE: I see your watch finally works.

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: Actually, I bought a new one while Amy was here. (holds it up for Jane to see) You know, sometimes shopping does have its advantages.

(Jane looks. Her face lights up with awe.)

JANE: Whoa! That's a watch?! You sure it's not a mini nuclear explosive device?

(Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: Whatever gets me through life. (Bt) Check out the stun feature.

(Jane examines it. Then, from off screen: )

BRITTANY: Yoo-hoo?? Daria? Jane?

JANE: (to Daria. hushed. wry) And here's your chance to use it.

(Brittany and Kevin walk on screen. Brittany, of course, wears a vacant expression and is twirling a lock of hair. Kevin, of course, is his goofy self. Daria points her watch at them as if prepared to take Jane's advice.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful and oblivious to Daria's intentions) Gosh, you guys, Kevvy and I were talking and we think Othello's, like, a super-romantic play. Don't you think so??

(Daria lowers her watch.)

DARIA: (deadpan) If, by "romantic," you mean pathetic and sad, then yes.

JANE: The part when Othello kills Desdemona always gives me a warm and squishy feeling inside.

BRITTANY: Me too!

(Daria and Jane groan.)

JANE: Listen, we'd love to stay and discuss the play's parallels with modern inter-racial dating, but -- (nudges Daria)

DARIA: (looking at her watch) Yeah, but...

JANE: -- we have to go. Don't we, Daria?

DARIA: Yeah, we're late for our, uh, meeting.

(Kevin scratches his head.)

KEVIN: (confused) Gosh, for nerds who, like, don't belong to anything cool, you guys always seem to gotta go somewhere.

BRITTANY: (to Daria) Yeah. You're always checking your watch.

DARIA: (deadpan) Actually, we do belong to something "cool": we're part of the Conscientious Objectors Society.

JANE: Very exclusive. Takes up almost all our time.

BRITTANY: Gee, where is this Conscious Objectors Society?

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: We'd tell you, Brittany, but I'm afraid your and Kevin's kind just wouldn't be accepted among us.

BRITTANY: Eap!

KEVIN: But we're popular!

JANE: (faux apologetic) I know, and that's what makes it so hard to understand.

DARIA: Happy reading.

(They leave, while Brittany and Kevin scratch their heads with wonder. pan shot to follow Daria and Jane walking. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: (mischievous) How 'bout we swing by my house? You-know-who will be there practicing.

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um, didn't you hear what I said? Conscientious Objectors Society meeting?

JANE: Oh no -- you're not playing conscientious objector this time around.

DARIA: (mildly annoyed) Well if that's your attitude (sighs. shrugs), fine. Let's go.

(They walk silently. Then we hear an off screen voice-over: )

TRENT: There's no way we're like Kevin and Brittany.

(Cut to a shot of the older Daria and Trent riding in a car. Trent lounges in the front passenger seat, looking half-asleep, wearing a crooked smile. Daria's driving and smirking.)

DARIA: Yeah. Theirs was a marriage gone horribly, horribly wrong.

TRENT: Ex-actly.

DARIA: What with Kevin busting his knee in college and having to take a price checker's job at the local mini mart.

TRENT: And Brittany having never finished high school 'cause Kevin got her pregnant on prom night. (Bt) They're not like us, Daria. I'm me, and you're a sexy, courageous, intelligent woman with an amazing ability to see life for what it is and deliver that ever so apt line to describe it.

(Daria smirks, flattered.)

DARIA: Thanks, Trent! (Bt) Oh, and by the way: did I mention that my mom said Quinn delivered the twins safely this morning?

(Trent rolls his eyes.)

TRENT: (amused. condescending) How many does that make, now??

DARIA: A litter.

TRENT: That's pathetic.

DARIA: Yeah, and maybe some day, Dr. Jamie'll find it in his heart to do the right thing: give them away to good homes, and have my sister spayed.

(Trent bursts out chuckling, coughs.)

TRENT: Good one. (Bt) You know, while some may find your witty barbs to be in socially poor taste, I think they're entirely appropriate.

DARIA: (more flattered) Thanks. (Bt) I guess that's why we make such a good team.

TRENT: Yeah. I can't wait to take you out to L.A. with me and the rest of Mystik Spiral.

(Pause. Daria frowns a little.)

DARIA: Um, L.A.?

TRENT: That's where you go if you want to make it in the music business.

DARIA: (frowning more) Oh, um, you do?

TRENT: Mmm-hmm. We really wanna share our message with the world.

(Daria looks slightly mollified.)

DARIA: Oh, well, when you put it that way. (Pause) I guess I can take a leave of absence from my teaching.

TRENT: Hey, cool. For however long it takes.

(Daria glances at him with a vaguely wary expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (walking to the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking down a residential sidewalk.)

JANE: (uncomprehending) So when she tried to hug you, you ducked under her arms and ran into the bathroom??

DARIA: You make it sound so immature.

JANE: (sarcastic) Gee, I don't know why -- it's something any mature, sound-minded adult would do.

DARIA: I thought as much at the time.

(Beat. Jane rolls her eyes, sighs a little.)

JANE: Daria, I don't get it: I thought you an' your mom were cool, now. After you poured your guts out to her in that song --

(Now it's Daria's turn to roll her eyes.)

JANE: -- which I'd like to hear, sometime, by the way.

DARIA: You will -- some day, when the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are beating down our doors, I might hum you a few bars.

JANE: You're too kind.

(Beat)

DARIA: Look, I'll confess that I do feel closer to my mom since I wrote that song. (Bt) But she has to realize I'm not ready for warm-and-fuzzy girl talk over cafe au lait.

JANE: (deadpan) Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

DARIA: Which is exactly what I told her. (Bt) I think she's getting the idea.

(Jane chuckles slightly.)

JANE: Yeah, and compared with a relationship between you two, Rome was probably a lot easier to build.

(Daria frowns mildly at her. Off screen, we suddenly hear a huge bang and the loud sound of an electric guitar. Jane smirks wickedly at Daria.)

JANE: Well look who's home.

DARIA: (annoyed) Gee, I'd've never guessed. (Bt. tries vainly to weasel out of going to Jane's.) You know, with all the vibrations from that guitar, your T.V. reception's probably pretty distorted. We'd better go over to my place. (starts to turn around)

(Jane puts an arm on her shoulder.)

JANE: Not so fast. Your fate awaits you in that house, my dear friend.

(Daria glares at her.)

DARIA: And hopefully yours, as well. Maybe you'll meet your maker.

JANE: Don't try to be cute with me, now.

(Shot of the Lanes' house. Jane and Daria walk up the front walkway, Daria dragging behind.)

JANE: (still wicked) You know, a song would be the ideal way to show Trent you care.

DARIA: Not a chance. My humiliation reached its peak with the last one.

JANE: A stanza?

DARIA: Nope.

(They reach the door. Jane's about to open it.)

DARIA: The music seems louder than usual today --

(As she says this, Jane opens the door, and they're greeted by a wave of loud music that almost knocks them off their feet. cut to shot of Trent, sitting on the stairs in the foreground, strumming an electric guitar -- different from the one he played in "That Thing You Say." Daria and Jane are in the background. They walk up to Trent, wearing pained, peevish expressions.)

JANE: (yelling) Yo, Trent! You're scaring the whole neighborhood with that racket!

(Trent stops playing.)

DARIA: (right as he stops, so he can hear) Or at least giving them permanent hearing loss. (claps a hand over her mouth, reddens a bit, when she realizes what's happened)

TRENT: Sorry. (smiles a crooked smile) Hey Janey, Daria.

JANE: Hey. (glances at Daria, nudges her)

DARIA: (still embarrassed) Uh... hey.

TRENT: School's out already? (Bt) Man, I've been on a tear. Lost all track of time.

JANE: (disbelief) You stayed awake for more than an hour?

(Trent shrugs slightly.)

TRENT: Just about.

(Pause. Jane looks at Daria again, who still appears somewhat embarrassed.)

JANE: (pointedly) Gosh, Daria, would ya look at that. Trent's just sitting here. Right here. In front of you. Easy to talk to. (more pointedly) Really easy.

(Pause. Daria opens her mouth slowly, as if to speak. Then she shakes herself out of her trance.)

DARIA: Uh, but easier to listen to. (Bt) So, Trent, was that a new song you were playing?

TRENT: Yeah. It's called "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire." (Bt) Say, Daria, you're good with words. Could ya help me out with something?

DARIA: Um, sure. What d' you need?

TRENT: Which d' you think sounds better? "I'm slow-cooking, watch me burn," or "I'm slow-roasting"?

JANE: (deadpan) Tough choice.

(Pause. Daria frowns with thought.)

DARIA: Well, er, slow-roasting, I guess. It has more sizzle.

TRENT: Cool. Thanks.

(Pause)

JANE: (glancing at Daria) So now that we're past the formalities --

DARIA: (purposely cutting her off) Trent, why don't you play the song for us?? (glances sideways at Jane, frowns)

(Trent cocks an eyebrow.)

TRENT: Sure. Be glad to.

(He strums his guitar, launches into the song. cut to close-up Daria, wearing a relieved expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to a flashback, taking place a little more than a week ago -- the afternoon Daria wrote her song with Trent in "That Thing You Say." Daria's sitting on a beanbag chair in Trent's room. Trent sits on the bed, holding the guitar he played in TTYS. Daria hums a few suggestive notes, then Trent strums them on the guitar. Daria nods. Trent strums them a second time, sings: )

TRENT: (softly) "And this feeling I can't fight it... 'cause it's growing ev'ry day... so I guess I'll have to write it... and let-it-show-some-way." (Pause) This is nice.

DARIA: (muttering. embarrassed) Hmm, yeah.

(Beat)

TRENT: Your mom'll like it.

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: I hope so.

(Trent starts strumming the chords again. Suddenly Daria's face takes on a look of horror.)

DARIA: I just realized something. (Trent stops playing.) I'm gonna have to sing this to my mom.

TRENT: Hey, no problem. I'll take care of it.

(Daria's horror changes to bewilderment.)

DARIA: You mean you'll sing the song??

TRENT: Sure.

(Pause. Daria can't believe her good luck. She smiles/smirks.)

DARIA: Thanks, Trent. (Bt. glances around) I guess we need a tape recorder, then...

TRENT: Or better yet, how 'bout I just come over and sing it later? Hearing it live'd make it, I dunno, more personal.

(Beat. Daria frowns slightly.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Personal. My song sung by someone else in front of my entire family. (Bt. shrugs) Your idea has merit.

TRENT: Cool. So let's do it, then.

(Beat. Daria nods, smirks.)

DARIA: Yeah, let's.

(Trent starts strumming the melody again. Daria nods her head slowly to the music. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the present. close-up Daria, still listening to Trent playing his song. She wears a dreamy expression. From off screen: )

TRENT: "I'm in flames!!!!! Burning-burning hell, burning-burning heeeeeeeeelllll...!!!!!"

(Cut to wider shot. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: You just had to encourage him, didn't you??

(Daria glances at her briefly, shakes her head. Turns her face away, launches into another daydream. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of a living room in an apartment. The older Daria sits at a table in the foreground, looking as though she was just typing something on her Mac laptop. Her chair is turned aside a little, and she leans toward the older Trent, who is lounging on the couch in the background. He's holding a guitar.)

TRENT: And to think, it was that song that set it in motion.

(Daria smirks, nods.)

DARIA: Yeah.

TRENT: Our working together to create "Through Rhyme" enabled me to see through your stand-offish exterior to the strong, sensitive woman within.

DARIA: Uh-huh.

TRENT: And now... it's our song.

(He starts to play it. Daria looks sort of uncomfortable.)

DARIA: Um, Trent?

(Trent stops.)

TRENT: Mmm-hmm?

DARIA: Actually, that's my mom's song. I wrote it for her. Could you play something else?

(Beat)

TRENT: Oh. Sure thing, baby.

(Daria frowns. Trent starts strumming music to the Lightning Seeds' "You Showed Me" from "Road Worrier.")

TRENT: (singing) "You... showed me how to do... exactly what you do, how I fell in love with you... oh-oh-oh --"

(Daria interrupts him.)

DARIA: Um, Trent?

(Trent stops.)

TRENT: Yeah?

(Beat)

DARIA: Um, could you not call me "baby"? (Bt) My dad just stopped calling me "kiddo." I'd like to leave the infantile name stage behind me.

(Pause. Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: (nonchalant) Yeah, sure. It's cool.

(He starts playing the "Road Worrier" song again. Daria wears an uneasy half-smirk. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the present. Close-up Daria, wearing that same expression. Off screen, we hear the sound of Trent finishing his song. cut to wide shot.)

JANE: (deadpan) Marvelous, Trent. Another winner.

TRENT: Thanks. (Bt) It's gonna be part of Mystik Spiral's first album. (Bt) Hey Daria, you wanna see the cover design Janey made for me?

DARIA: Sure.

JANE: (to Daria. sarcastic) Oh yes, do have a look.

(Trent reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. He straightens it out, then holds it up to Daria. It's blank, except for a symbol drawn in black ink. Daria examines it and frowns.)

TRENT: So, what d' you think?

(Pause)

DARIA: It's, um... (long pause) very... (scrunches her nose) symmetrical?

(Trent nods.)

TRENT: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?

JANE: (sarcastic) Yes, after all my hours of hard work, he picks the design shaped like the head of Hello Kitty.

(Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: Whatever works.

(Bt. Jane changes the subject.)

JANE: So Trent, what brings you above ground during daylight hours, anyway? (Bt) Did the bats fluttering around your room distract you from your work?

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: No. (Bt) I just came up here to say goodbye to Denise.

(Pause. Jane and Daria exchange wary glances.)

JANE: (to Trent. trying to sound nonchalant) Who's Denise? (Bt) A new back-up singer?

TRENT: Naw, she's this girl I've been seeing for the past few weeks.

(Pause. Daria's eyes widen. Jane glances at her uneasily.)

JANE: (to Trent) You're dating again??

TRENT: Yeah -- finally. (chuckles, coughs) Ya know, it's funny, Janey --

(Cut to close-up Daria, still looking stunned.)

TRENT: (off screen) -- I was starting to think I'd never meet anyone right for me. But Denise just kinda fell into my lap...

(With that, Daria lowers her face a little. We hear a few chords from the "Road Worrier" song, followed by a huge crashing sound of someone loudly hitting the wrong chord.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Split screen of present Daria sitting in Trent's beanbag chair and older Daria looking at Trent from the table.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Andrea's finally talking to Daria. But will Daria like what she has to say?? (shots of Daria standing in front of the school bathroom mirror while Andrea stares at her, Quinn grabbing a sheet of paper away from Sandi) Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

Slim Fast: I'm a little shocked they're still marketing this stuff -- I thought it would go out of style like the rest of the "no pain, no gain" diet approaches of the ' 80s. Back when I was younger and more insecure about my body, I actually tried S.F. for a couple of days. It tasted like crap and left me full for about 5 seconds. After that, even Richard Simmons looked good...

Those MTV safe sex commercials where a bunch of college students are dancing around a room and going, "Oh no, he/she's clean, I can tell." For once, I'm not quite sure why this commercial bugs me; I mean, it's got a good message (i.e: wear condoms during sex). I guess it's because it's shown on MTV: sometimes I think MTV has sex on the brain. Wait, no, all the time... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

'SHIPPED OUT

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (same as before: the Lanes' house, afternoon, the present)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, and Trent as they were before. Daria looks crushed. Jane glances at her, then turns to Trent, frowning.)

JANE: Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone?

(Trent shrugs.)

TRENT: I dunno, it didn't occur to me. We're only --

JANE: (peevish tone -- as if she's the one he's wronged) Didn't occur to you?? Trent, I'm your sister. What, does that, like, not matter to you, or something?

TRENT: (concerned. pacifying) Hey Janey, I'm sorry... (He glances at Daria, who's still downcast and seemingly oblivious to what's going on. Thinks she's upset for Jane's sake. to Daria) Hey, I wasn't sure she was worth it at first, y' know?

(His remark doesn't appear to register with Daria.)

JANE: (still peevish) So?? She's still someone in your life, Trent. You could've brought her by when you first started going out, or at least've given me some kind of warning.

(Beat. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: (confused) Warning 'bout what?

(Jane throws her hands up in the air.)

JANE: Well you'll never know, now, will you???

TRENT: Janey, I think you're making way too big a deal --

JANE: Forget it, Trent, just forget it. (makes a slicing gesture with her hand that suggests "silence") I am way too mad at you right now --

TRENT: Jane, why're you acting like... a mom?

(Jane makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture.)

JANE: Hey, what did I just say?! (Bt) You know, Trent, I am so mad at you right now, I don't even think I can stand to be in the same house. Come on, Daria -- let's go.

(She starts to walk toward the door. Daria's frozen in place.)

JANE: (more urgent) Daria, I said come on. (taps her foot)

(Slowly Daria turns around and walks stiffly to the door. Jane opens it, and they leave. Trent watches them go. He then shakes his head in a "I don't get her" manner.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (walking)

(cut to outside shot, frontal of Jane and Daria. They walk quickly away from the house. After a pause of several seconds: )

JANE: (hushed) Rebound, Daria, rebound.

(Daria glances at her.)

DARIA: (straining to sound nonchalant) I'm not bothered.

JANE: Oh yeah. That's only why you're walking like you're on a Nazi march.

(Daria looks down, notices how stiffly she's holding her arms. She relaxes a little.)

DARIA: Hey, if Trent wants to go out with whoever he wants, who am I to stop him??

JANE: Daria, this is me you're talking to. Listen, I can understand you being upset --

(Daria frowns.)

DARIA: I am not upset. (Bt) Who Trent sees is his business.

JANE: And the fact that you've liked him for over a year means nothing?

DARIA: Look, Jane, you said it yourself: if I didn't tell Trent how I felt, sooner or later he'd find somebody. Well your tarot cards were right. Now I'll just have to accept it.

(Beat)

JANE: (trying to find the bright side) Hey, maybe she's not the one. Maybe he's tired of her already and they'll break up --

(Daria stops abruptly. Jane does, too.)

DARIA: (an edge in her voice) And then what, Jane? He'll come crawling back to me, realizing the horrible mistake he's made?? (Bt) I don't think so.

(Pause. Now Jane doesn't know what to say. She looks sympathetic and resigned.)

DARIA: The sad truth is, Trent never noticed me because he was never meant to notice me. We're five years apart. Our lives are completely different. Who was I trying to kid??

(long pause. Daria and Jane just stand there.)

DARIA: Um, Jane, if you don't mind, I'd kind of like to walk home alone.

(Beat)

JANE: I understand. (chuckles, rolls her eyes in a manner that suggests she's trying to act amused) But gosh, now what'll I do? There's no way I'm gonna spoil my big exit by heading back home.

DARIA: How 'bout tagging public property with your signature? It takes time and it's expressive.

JANE: Now there you go. (turns, starts to leave. then, with concern) You sure you'll be okay?

(Daria waves her hand in a "sure, sure" manner. She starts walking away.)

DARIA: I'll survive. (Bt) See ya.

JANE: Yeah. Bye.

(Cut to side shot of Daria walking away. She bows her head a little, wears a sad expression. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, nighttime)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria's standing at one of the sinks, dressed in her pajamas, staring at herself in the mirror. She fingers her hair, then removes her glasses and looks at herself without them. Then she puts them back on and stares at herself some more. Finally: )

DARIA: (to her reflection. soft and decisive) You're an idiot. (Pause) You're such an idiot.

(As she says this last bit, Quinn comes into the bathroom, also dressed in her pajamas.)

QUINN: (chipper) No arguments, here.

(Daria glares at her as she takes her place at the other sink.)

DARIA: Excuse me, this is a private conversation. (Bt) Although given the subject, I could see how you'd think otherwise.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Excuse me, Daria, this is my bathroom, too. If you wanna act like some kind of weirdo an' talk to yourself, go do it in your own room.

DARIA: (snapping. defiant) Fine. I will.

(She stalks out of the bathroom. Quinn sighs contentedly and spreads out her arms, happy to have the bathroom all to herself. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting, slumped over, on the edge of her bed in the dark. After several seconds, she finally, slowly, lies down. Grabs the covers, curls up in a ball, gathers them around her, and closes her eyes. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the fantasy sequence. close-up of the older Trent's face. He's smiling a crooked smile.)

TRENT: Denise? That bitch? We were never serious.

(Cut to a wider shot. Trent and Daria are both sitting on the couch. Trent has his arms wrapped around Daria's waist, and his face is maybe a few inches from hers.)

DARIA: Yeah, well you really had me worried for a while.

TRENT: I'm sorry, my love. (Bt) She was just some girl I used to fill the void 'cause I thought you didn't want me.

DARIA: (sweet. vulnerable) Not want you, Trent? Never.

TRENT: Well anyway, that's all in the past, now. (Bt) We're together, and nothin' can tear us apart, right?

(Daria smiles -- really smiles.)

DARIA: Right.

(Trent leans toward her, tips her face upward, and gives her a long, deep kiss.)

(Cut to shot of the present Daria. She's fallen asleep, looks more peaceful.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High cafeteria, a few days later)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting at their table.)

JANE: So, I was thinking, when we go to your house today --

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) My house, again?

JANE: Is there a problem?

DARIA: Only that you've been over each of the past three days.

JANE: (trying to sound nonchalant) Hey, it's just sometimes, what with those big, heavy curtains over my windows, my room can feel sort of stifling.

DARIA: (deadpan) Whereas the padded walls in my room really brighten up the atmosphere.

JANE: Exactly.

(Pause)

DARIA: Jane, we can't avoid your house forever.

JANE: Can we at least try?

DARIA: No. (sighs. resigned) I'm just gonna have to accept that at some point, I'll see Trent with Cherise.

JANE: Den-ise.

DARIA: (annoyed that Jane would even care if the name was right) Whatever. (Pause) So, um, what's she like? (looks a little uncomfortable)

JANE: (trying to sidestep) Don't know. I haven't seen her around much. I don't think she and Trent are very close.

(Daria regards her with a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: Be honest.

(Jane shrugs, looks resigned.)

JANE: Well... it's hard to talk to someone who's locked to your brother's lips.

(Daria looks startled and a bit crushed. She blinks several times. Jane tries to soften the blow.)

JANE: Daria, I'm sorry -- I shouldn't've said it like that.

(Daria cocks a resigned eyelid.)

JANE: Well hey, you don't need to take this lying down. (Bt) We'll find you a guy.

DARIA: No thanks. I'm taking my cue from Thoreau.

JANE: Thoreau?

DARIA: Yeah. He lived alone. He was happy.

JANE: And he lived in an age when a woman baring her ankle was considered a sexual come-on. (Bt) Daria, we're in the modern world, here. You can go after a guy if you want to.

DARIA: (resolute) Well I don't want to. (Bt) Seriously, I'm not bothered by my single status.

(Suddenly, from off screen, we hear Brittany and Kevin reading lines from Othello.)

KEVIN: "Be, uhhh, thus as thou are dead, an' I will kill thee and love thee after." (Bt) Hey, she's about to bite the dust. Cool babe -- I mean, Des.

BRITTANY: Oh Othello-y, you're so silly! (Bt) Um "banish me, my lord, but kill me not."

KEVIN: Hey Des, what's a "strumpet"?

BRITTANY: Kevvy! Just stick to the lines!

(Jane looks at Daria.)

DARIA: Not bothered. Other than by the fact that they've ruined a classic.

(Cut to wider shot of the table. Suddenly Jodie and Mack walk past, holding hands. Jane looks at Daria.)

DARIA: Not bothered.

(Pause. She and Jane sit there.)

DARIA: (slowly, giving in) So, um, I wonder what Ted's up to these days.

(Pause. Jane looks uncomfortable.)

JANE: Oh well... I don't think you want to look him up.

DARIA: Why not?

JANE: He's sort of going with Stacy right now. [*] see Austin Covello's "A Day in the Life of Stacy"

(Pause. Daria blinks, startled.)

DARIA: Stacy? Fashion Club Stacy??

JANE: (nodding) Yeah.

(Pause)

DARIA: (irritated) So Skipper's got a boyfriend and I don't?? Now I'm bothered.

(Jane pumps a fist encouragingly.)

JANE: Well let's see what we can do about it, then. (Pause. looks off screen) Hey! Hey you!

(Daria looks in the direction she's looking, bewildered. We see a guy walk on screen. He's tall, with a scraggly beanpole body, a huge nose and Adam's apple, and timid-looking eyes. Daria turns and glares at Jane.)

JANE: (to the guy. playful) I saw you lookin' at my friend a minute ago.

GUY: (stammering) I-I was just wonderin' where she got 'er jacket, that's all. (his voice is squeaky and annoying, like that guy Corey's, the one who likes Quinn)

JANE: (unfazed) Well why not sit with us, and I'm sure she'll give you all the details.

(The guy sits down, next to Daria. Daria mouths an "I hate you" to Jane, then turns to the guy.)

DARIA: You sure you want to take orders from a mental patient?

(The guy looks startled. He gazes blankly at Jane, blinks a few times. Jane chuckles, waves her hand nonchalantly.)

JANE: Oh, she's just playing hard-to-get 'cause she's a little shy. Aren't ya, Daria?

DARIA: (to the guy) You know, when she holds her head at certain angles, you can see the scars from her cranial lobotomy.

(The guy looks at Daria, startled, then at Jane. His expression goes from startled to sort of freaked. He starts to edge away, looking like he's ready to bolt. Jane puts up her hand in a "stop" motion.)

JANE: She's kidding! She's kidding!

DARIA: (to the guy. cocking an eyelid) And her sense of perception's out-of-whack.

JANE: (to the guy. urgent) Please sit. Stay. Tell us about yourself. (Bt. chuckles) Like, for starters, your name.

(The guy freezes, looks uncertain. Finally: )

GUY: Um, my name's Barry.

(Beat)

JANE: (like it's the best thing she's ever heard) Barry! Great to meet you! (Bt) Daria, say hi to Barry!

DARIA: (to Barry) Sometimes, the anti-depressant meds they put her on make her a little... (waves her hand to indicate the word "fruity")

(Jane sighs an exasperated "At least try." Daria comprehends, rolls her eyes. Looks at Barry again.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Hi, Barry.

JANE: So, Barry? What kind of school activities do you do?? Any sports? Clubs? Chess club, math club, anything?

BARRY: Oh, I belong to the Taxidermy Society.

(Pause. Jane and Daria look at each other uneasily.)

DARIA: (slowly) I didn't know we had a Taxidermy Society.

BARRY: We didn't -- 'til I started one. I'm still looking for other members...

(Daria closes her eyes.)

DARIA: Say no more.

(Pause. Then Jane does another encouraging fist pump.)

JANE: Well hey, he's a guy who takes initiative! (Bt) And you, um, like to bring out the life in death. Don't you, Barry? (before he can answer) Sure ya do. (Bt) Well, let's say we pick a new topic. Got any, Daria?? (looks at her beseechingly)

DARIA: Oh, I'd prefer to trust your judgment, Jane.

(Jane rolls her eyes, annoyed.)

JANE: Fine, fine. (Bt) So, Barry, d' you like to read?

BARRY: (nodding) Uh-huh.

(Jane smirks at Daria. Daria cocks an eyelid with vague interest.)

JANE: Daria here likes the classics. Are you into any classic authors?

(Beat)

BARRY: Does L. Ron Hubbard count?

(Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other. Then they both close their eyes and shake their heads.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Daria's room, after school)

(Close-up of the T.V. screen.)

SSW ANNOUNCER: "Can dogs and humans get hitched?? This couple in Tennessee hopes to find out on the next Sick Sad World!!!"

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, watching. The sound fades into the background.)

DARIA: It was still a rotten trick.

JANE: Hey, like I knew he was gonna be such a big creep when he sat down.

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh I'm sure. (Pause. makes a sour face) I can't believe I gave him my phone number.

JANE: I thought you gave him the number for Cashman's juniors department.

DARIA: That was the first one I gave him. (Bt) Then I buckled under and gave him my own.

JANE: (satisfied) Now who's the foolish one?

(Daria looks at her with a "hardy har-har" expression. Turns away, sighs. Cocks and eyelid.)

DARIA: Getting over Trent's gonna be harder than I thought. (Bt) But at least there's a silver lining to this mess: you've still got Jesse.

(Jane chuckles and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (continuing) Our quartet hasn't completely shattered. (absorbs Jane's chuckle) What??

(Pause)

JANE: (amused. resigned) Daria, I don't have anything going on with Jesse. He's never ever noticed me, and frankly I'm starting to wonder if I even care.

(Beat)

DARIA: (subdued) Oh.

(Pause)

JANE: Hey, look, the show's back on. (points to the screen)

(Daria nods and turns her face to the screen, but after several seconds, you can tell she's not paying attention. fade-out.)

(fade-in to the future fantasy sequence. Older Trent's still lounging on the couch, holding his guitar but not playing. Looks about ready to nod off. Daria's in the foreground, typing away on her Mac laptop. Suddenly she stops, notices the silence, and turns around to look at Trent. She frowns, as if considering what to do next. Then: )

DARIA: (hesitant) Um, Trent?

(Trent's eyes widen as he tries to wake himself up.)

TRENT: Huh?

(Beat)

DARIA: I was thinking: now that we're married, it'd be real nice if we could, you know, talk.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: 'Kay. That sounds good.

(He sits up straighter. Daria comes over and sits beside him. long pause.)

DARIA: So... um, how's your day been?

(Beat)

TRENT: Pretty damn tiring. I've been sitting here, trying to write a song, and it hasn't come to me yet.

DARIA: Oh. That's too bad.

TRENT: Thought the clicking of your keyboard would keep me awake, but no problem there. (yawns and stretches)

DARIA: (a bit flat) Oh.

TRENT: So how's your day been?

(Beat)

DARIA: (somewhat weary) Oh, um, about the same. (gestures at the computer)

TRENT: Ah...

(long pause. Trent sits there, wearing a tranquil expression, while Daria tries to figure out what to say next. Finally: )

DARIA: Um, got anything you'd like to discuss?

(Pause. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: I dunno. (Bt) It's your fantasy.

(Pause. Daria scratches her head.)

DARIA: Oh... yeah, right.

(long pause)

TRENT: So? You wanna go to bed with me?

(Daria's eyes widen.)

DARIA: Um-um, okay.

(Suddenly we hear the sound of knocking off screen. Daria gets hold of herself.)

DARIA: I wonder who that could be.

(Cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over to it. Trent remains behind, slumped over on the couch in a sleepy pose. Daria opens the door to reveal an older Jane and Jesse. Jane's all dressed in black, with long black leggings and a smock-like top. Her hair is piled on top of her head. Jesse, meanwhile, is dressed exactly the same as we've always seen him, even minus the shirt. Still wears the same confused expression, too. The only difference is that he's shaved all of his hair off.)

DARIA: Hi, you guys. (Bt. glances in Trent's direction.) Trent, why don't you -- Trent?

(Trent's nodded off. Pause. Then Jane walks in and claps her hands together.)

JANE: Yo, Trent!

(Trent raises his head.)

TRENT: Huh? (sees Jane and Jesse) Oh, hey.

JANE: Sorry to interrupt your deep-thinking time.

TRENT: No, hey, it's cool.

DARIA: (to Jane) So what brings you by?

JANE: Jesse and Trent have to rehearse.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Daria stares at him for a second, then turns back to Jane.)

DARIA: Oh, I see. (Bt) So, um, was the drive here okay?

JESSE: Yuh.

JANE: Actually, we hit a traffic snarl and lost about an hour's time.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Pause. Jane frowns at him, as does Daria.)

DARIA: (to Jane) So you actually managed to gather from him that he and Trent had to rehearse?

(Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: I looked for hidden meaning in his gestures.

JESSE: Yuh.

(Jane turns to him.)

JANE: (exploding) Would you stop saying that??!!

DARIA: Is that all he can say?

JESSE: Y-- (Jane puts her hand up. He stops.)

JANE: "Is that all he can say??" "Is that all he can say???" she asks. (laughs hysterically) Yes, dammit that's all he can say!!! (turns to Jesse) For the whole time we've been married, every answer to every question. Do you love me? "Yuh." Do you think I'm sexy? "Yuh." Do you support the U.N. peacekeeping mission to Bosnia? "Yuh." (Bt) If you say "yuh" one more time, I'm gonna explode!!!

(Beat)

TRENT: (to Jesse) So bro, you ready?

JESSE: Yuh.

(Jane grabs her head.)

JANE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!

(Her face turns bright red, balloons, and explodes. She collapses on the floor. Pause)

JESSE: (looking at her) Whoa.

(Beat)

TRENT: (also looking at her. to Daria) Is she dead?

DARIA: No. (Bt) My fantasies are never that malicious...

(They continue to stare at Jane. Suddenly, from off screen: )

QUINN: (sing-songy) Oh, Daria!

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider shot. Quinn approaches her bed, holding one of her jackets by the tips of her fingers.)

DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) Do you know any Daria?

QUINN: (rushing on) Here's your jacket back. It's been in my closet, like, forever. [*] see "Monster," "The Old and the Beautiful"

DARIA: (to Quinn) Thanks. Now hang it up and be on your merry way.

(Quinn lays the jacket on the bed, next to Jane.)

QUINN: Um, I couldn't help overhearing --

JANE: (to Daria. dryly) Our secret plot to spread the anthrax virus throughout New York's subway system? (Bt) Damn, we're done for.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Not plans for one of your dumb field trips. That other stuff about Trent having a new girlfriend...

(Pause. Jane looks at Quinn, surprised. Then glances at Daria. Daria rolls her eyes in a "She knows" manner.) [*] Quinn found out about Daria's crush on Trent in "The Tie That Chokes."

QUINN: (continuing) Frankly, Daria, I think you could do better. Anyone could. But --

JANE: (annoyed) Excuse me, that's my brother you're talking about.

(Quinn chuckles, as if this is the first time it's occurred to her, and flings a hand at Jane.)

QUINN: Oh -- right. (Bt) Anyway, Daria, I know a way you can get 'im back.

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid at her.)

DARIA: (warily interested) You do?

JANE: (under her breath) This should be good.

QUINN: Yeah. You just gotta make him jealous.

DARIA: (deadpan) Lure him with my feminine wiles.

QUINN: (continuing. oblivious) See, one week Skylar was ignoring me, so I, like, got Joey, Jeffy, and John-John to shower me with all kinds of cool stuff like flowers and jewelry and --

(Quinn's voice fades into the background. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) You're not actually buying this, are you?

DARIA: No. (Bt) But she does have one point -- I gotta start taking the offensive. Let's go over to your house tomorrow.

JANE: You sure you want to?

DARIA: Yeah, I'm sure.

QUINN: -- and pretty soon, they were fighting over who was gonna buy me that cute little Miata in the car store window on Dega Street. Skylar's still filling out the paperwork. (Bt) So you see, Daria, that's how it's done!

DARIA: (deadpan) Wow. Your wisdom astounds me, Quinn.

QUINN: Now you could probably find some loser guy --

JANE: (nudging Daria. droll) Barry, can you read me?

(Daria glares at her.)

QUINN: -- and get him to make Trent jealous. (smirks satisfactorily)

(Beat)

DARIA: Sure. Right. I'll keep that in mind. (Bt) Now would ya get out??

QUINN: (serene) Gladly.

(She walks away, brushing her hands together as if to say, "My work here is done." cut to close-up Daria. She sighs, then frowns, as if in thought.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (the Lanes' house, afternoon the next day)

(Shot of Daria and Jane approaching the walkway of Jane's house. Daria still appears to be frowning with thought.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Make him jealous...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of the fantasy future living room. Older Daria's typing on her laptop, or at least trying to. We hear the loud sounds of Trent and Jesse playing "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire" off screen. Jane, her head once again intact, lies sprawled across the couch. The slight rise and fall of her chest indicates she's still alive. Suddenly, we hear the sound of knocking at the door.)

DARIA: Who could that be??

(Pause. cut to shot of the door. Daria walks over and opens it, revealing a tall, broad-shouldered man in a turtleneck sweater and tweed coat. Daria gazes at him, utterly shocked.)

DARIA: Marcello! What're you doing here??

(Marcello leans forward and takes her hand.)

MARCELLO: (husky Italian accent) Daria, I've come to take you away from this place.

(Beat)

DARIA: But I --

(from off screen: )

JANE: Well here we are.

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria. She shakes her head. cut to wider shot. She and Jane are standing in the Lanes' hallway.)

JANE: So, how does it feel?

(Pause. Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: I haven't dropped dead, yet.

JANE: Good. Maybe we can escape to my room before we're spotted.

(Daria nods. They start going upstairs. Suddenly, from off screen: )

TRENT: Hey Janey, Daria.

(They cringe and turn around as Trent approaches them.)

DARIA: Um... hi... Trent.

(Trent cocks a brow.)

TRENT: (to Daria) Long time, no see.

JANE: (sardonic) Yeah, well you've been pretty busy these days.

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: You're right. (Bt) And as a matter of fact, I've been thinking: you guys 'n' me ought to spend more time together.

(Beat. Daria and Jane gaze at each other with "dare we hope?" expressions.)

TRENT: Me 'n' Denise are going to a concert in the park on Saturday, an' we thought maybe you could tag along.

(Pause. Daria's face is now expressionless. Jane glances at her and frowns.)

JANE: (to Trent) Excuse me, but we have plans on Saturday. What makes you think we'd wanna hang out with you an' your girlfriend, anyway??

(Beat. Trent blinks.)

TRENT: I just thought -- 'cause you got on my case about not getting to meet 'er --

JANE: (exasperated) Trent, that was almost a week ago. And you're waiting 'til now to make it up to me?? Well it's too late --

DARIA: (calmly) We'll be there.

(Beat. Jane gazes at Daria, stunned.)

JANE: Huh??

(Beat. Trent smiles a crooked, grateful smile at Daria.)

TRENT: Cool. (Bt) See Janey, Daria wants to go. So are ya in?

(Jane sighs, rolls her eyes.)

JANE: Sure. Why not??

TRENT: Cool. I'll go get Denise and we can talk about it some more.

JANE: (weary. lowered voice) Denise is here. Great.

(Trent walks away off screen. Meanwhile, Daria still appears calm. Jane looks at her.)

JANE: (suspicious) What've you got up your sleeve?

DARIA: (nonchalant) I just want to meet Denise, that's all.

(Beat. Jane gets a wicked expression.)

JANE: Try not to leave any evidence for the cops to find.

(Daria is impassive, making no affirmative or negative gestures. Pause. We then see Trent walk on screen with a girl. She's young, rather pretty and sort of on the petite side, but is also dressed the way you'd think a girlfriend of Trent's would dress. She has a nose ring and a pierced eyebrow, semi-Goth make-up, dyed bright red hair, and raggedy clothing. Her top has filmy sleeves, revealing a few tattoos on her arms.)

TRENT: Janey, you've met Denise. Denise, this is Daria, Janey's friend.

(Denise extends her hand.)

DENISE: (to Daria) Cool. It's a pleasure to meet you.

(Beat. Daria shakes her hand.)

DARIA: That remains to be seen.

(Cut to close-up Daria's face. She smirks.)

END OF ACT TWO

[The older Jane's head is in the process of exploding, while older Daria, Trent, and Jesse look on.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

To all those adults who feel they've reclaimed their long-lost childhood at Disneyland, here's some advice: Grow up! Life isn't Fantasyland... 

And speaking of childish... who's idea was it to come up with those Carl's Jr. ads where the burger drips all over you when you eat it?? Who did they think it would appeal to?? People who think it's fun to spill food on their clothes?? And you would be how old...?? 

The one where the slacker college student orders a Saturn over the Internet, and his zoned-out roommate goes, "Did somebody order a Saturn?" Actually, when I first saw this commercial, I thought it was sort of cool. 'Til I thought: I don't know any college kids with pockets that deep. Hmm, a subtle plug for college students to max out their credit?? 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

'SHIPPED OUT

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Trent's car, late Saturday morning)

(Shot of Daria standing on the curb outside her house, her back to us. Trent's car approaches, stops. Daria opens the door and climbs in. cut to inside frontal shot. Trent's driving, Denise sits beside him in the front passenger seat, and Jane sits in the back, on the right hand side. Daria settles in on the left hand side, so that she's behind Denise. Trent takes off.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria. How's it goin'?

DARIA: Okay. How 'bout you? (before he can answer) You're awake this early on a Saturday??

DENISE: (bubbly) I kinda had to wrestle him out of bed.

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: Yeah.

(Daria looks at Jane, shocked. Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: (under her breath) Don't ask. (Pause. smirks wickedly) So, have you heard from Barry, yet?

DARIA: (also hushed) He's called three times. And each and every time, I've managed to be in the shower. (Bt) I'm hoping he'll reach the conclusion that I've decided to grow gills and live underwater with the rest of the fish-people, and leave me the hell alone.

JANE: From what I've seen, I think he'd view it more as a turn-on.

(Daria rolls her eyes. Beat)

TRENT: So, Daria, we were thinkin' we could stop off at the market and pick up some stuff to eat in the park.

DENISE: Yeah, we can't last for hours on beef jerky and a stick of black licorice.

TRENT: Some of us can't. (glances pointedly at Denise)

(Daria and Jane don't see it, but Denise rolls her eyes. A long pause follows. Then Daria leans toward Denise, a wicked smirk slowly spreading across her face.)

DARIA: Denise. We haven't had much of a chance to talk yet, have we?

DENISE: Nope. Can't say we have.

DARIA: So why don't you tell me a little about yourself. (Bt) Like, oh, how you and Trent first met.

(Denise giggles.)

DENISE: Sure, okay. (Bt) Well, like, I first saw Trent at McPatty's. That's a girls' grunge club. See, McGrundy's is, like, a guys' grunge club 'cause "Grundy's" is kinda all tough and rugged (growls a bit as she says "rugged"), whereas Patty is a girl's name, so --

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. Your point is clear.

DENISE: Oh, okay. (Bt) So anyway, I play the drums in this band, along with Trent's friend, Monique --

(At the name "Monique," Daria cocks a depressed eyelid.) [*] see "Pierce Me"

DENISE: -- and, so one night Trent was, like, there in the audience an' so Monique brings me down and introduces us and says, "Yo Denise, you wanna real stallion to ride?? Well I've got one for ya!"

(Daria's and Jane's eyes widen.)

DENISE: (continuing) So she got me rappin' with Trent, and I gotta say, from that night on, I haven't been disappointed.

(She slaps Trent lightly on his upper thigh, which surprises him and causes him to swerve the car a bit. cut to close-up Daria. She sinks down in her seat and heaves a sigh, as if to say, "It's gonna be a long day." fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (the supermarket)

(Shot of the car parking in the parking lot. Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane all climb out. They appear to be in mid-conversation.)

DARIA: (to Denise. deadpan) Wow. I didn't know you could get pierced on that part of your body.

(Denise giggles.)

DENISE: Well ya can't legally, but Axl told me he'd let it slide if I slipped 'im an extra fifty and claimed all liability.

DARIA: That's what I call operating strictly according to the letter of the law. [*] see "Pierce Me"

JANE: (to Denise) But doesn't it hurt when you and Trent -- (Daria elbows her hard.) Owwwwww!!!

(Cut to shot of the supermarket's sliding doors, as seen from the inside. Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane walk through. Jane is still rubbing her arm. Leans toward Daria.)

JANE: Okay, so maybe the answer's obvious -- but what d' you think of Denise?

DARIA: She speaks in complete sentences.

(Beat)

JANE: You sure? (Bt) She lost me a little when she claimed she had the power to channel Kurt Cobain through her Buddhist chanting.

DARIA: At least that was the one intelligent thing she said. (Bt) Is she like this all the time?

JANE: From what little I've seen (rolls her eyes) yes.

(Daria groans.)

JANE: (trying to find a silver lining.) Well c'mon, maybe we should give her more of a chance.

(Daria sneers in response.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) A chance, she says...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria and Denise standing a short distance apart at the bread aisle. They're both examining the shelves. Finally Daria selects a French loaf. Denise, meanwhile, looks and looks, then selects pita bread. Turns to Daria.)

DENISE: Y' know, pita bread is really good soul food. They say when you're depressed, eat a slice with some hommus an' your mood'll clear right up.

(Beat)

DARIA: (deadpan) Well, I think it'll take more than bread to cure my seventeen-year long depression, but thanks for the advice.

(Denise shrugs.)

DENISE: (nonchalant) Don't mention it.

(Pause. Daria turns back to face the shelf, but her eyes are on Denise.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) He could do much, much better...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of freezers of soda, beer, and other related beverages. Daria's already standing there, trying to figure out which soda to buy. Denise walks up and, as before, stands a short distance away, perusing the alcoholic drinks. Finally she slides open the door and takes out a couple of wine coolers.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over. deadpan) Alcohol. (Bt. to herself) Now, now, she's over twenty-one -- it's her prerogative.

(Denise turns to Daria, holding up the wine coolers.)

DENISE: You an' Jane'll have to have some of this. It tastes just like orange soda, only with more zip.

(Beat)

DARIA: Zip. Super.

(Denise giggles and exits off screen.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Offers alcohol to a minor. (Bt) Subtract five from the checklist...

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Daria, purchases in hand, walking down an aisle toward the checkout counter. She's frowning.)

DARIA: Dammit, what does he see in her?? Is she an example of the kind of girl Trent goes for?? (Bt) Dammit, I don't have much, but I am smart, I --

(from off screen, voice-over: )

MARCELLO: Daria, you're an intelligent woman who deserves more. You have so many gifts to share with the world, and you need someone who can appreciate you...

(Cut to shot of a line at one of the checkout counters. Jane, Denise, and Trent are already standing at the end of it. Trent's looking through a tabloid magazine, and Jane's perusing the rows of candy. Daria approaches them. As she does so, Denise is saying to Trent: )

DENISE: (slightly peevish) I can't believe you read that kind of stuff.

(Jane looks up from the candy, surprised.)

JANE: (to Denise) I can't believe you don't.

TRENT: (slightly defensive) Hey, so I like looking at the photos of alien spaceships. What's it to you??

DENISE: I just don't like the way they represent people, that's all.

(Pause. Daria's face registers some surprise. Jane turns to her.)

JANE: So Daria, I was just telling Trent about Barry, your new boyfriend.

(Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: Barry?? My boyfriend???

JANE: (pointed) Yes, I was telling him what a cool and interesting guy he is. (exaggerated wink. Daria gets it.)

DARIA: Oh, right. Barry. My boyfriend.

(Trent looks up from his magazine. Cocks a subtly-impressed eyebrow at Daria.)

TRENT: Yeah, glad to see you've found somebody. (Bt) Is all that stuff Janey said true?

DARIA: What stuff, exactly?

JANE: (before he can respond) Oh, nothing much -- just how Barry tells you every day how beautiful and special you are, and how each morning he checks on you in homeroom to make sure you made it to school safely.

(Beat)

DARIA: (to Trent) Oh yeah. Every word.

DENISE: (slight frown) Hell, wouldn't that be nice.

(Trent glances at her briefly. Jane rushes on.)

JANE: Also, I told Trent how Barry's always complimenting you for being so mature and sincere and thoughtful, and for always listening to his problems --

DARIA: Now, Jane, don't go overboard. (makes a big "Ix-nay" gesture)

JANE: (getting it) Oh, right.

(Pause. Daria glances stealthily at Trent, looking for any sort of reaction. His face is unreadable. Finally he cocks his brow again.)

TRENT: Sounds cool.

(Pause. Daria sizes up his comment, then glances at Jane. Nods a curt "I'm going for it.")

DARIA: Yes, it is cool. (Bt) And yet, I'm not so sure Barry's the right guy for me. I mean he's nice, but I'm looking for someone a little (glances pointedly at Trent) older.

(Trent's expression doesn't change.)

DARIA: (continuing) A guy who carries wisdom and life experience. And (another pointed glance) who knows me almost as well as I know myself. Like an old friend. (Bt) Gee, I wonder where I'll find such a guy. Do you know, Jane?

JANE: I only wish, Daria, I only wish.

(Pause. Both looks at Trent. Meanwhile, Trent and Denise act as though their remarks haven't registered. Finally: )

TRENT: (to Daria) Too bad you're lookin' for someone new. (Bt) That Barry guy sounds nice.

(Daria makes a sour face.)

DARIA: (weakly) Oh, um, he is.

(Pause)

DENISE: Hey, we're up. (points to the cashier at the register)

(Daria and Jane look at each other with expressions of defeat. So much for Quinn's advice.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (drivin' to the park)

(Shot of Trent, Denise, Daria, and Jane riding in the car. Daria and Jane still wear defeated, somewhat contrite expressions. They're listening to Denise talk.)

DENISE: ... And so, like, I didn't think anything would help me after my brother got paralyzed in the car accident, but I found that Buddhism, like, really centered me, and gave me strength to handle the crisis --

(Daria and Jane glance at each other uneasily. fade-out)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (the park)

(Wide shot of a long stretch of green grass, with an amphitheater at one end. We hear folk music being played. On the grass, people are scattered about, lounging on blankets, et cetera. cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Trent, and Denise lounging on a blanket on a grassy mound. Daria and Jane are eating. Daria pauses to examine her food.)

DARIA: So this is pita bread. (Bt) Not bad.

JANE: (eating the same thing) I do feel strangely cheery.

DENISE: (pleased) What did I tell you?

JANE: (to Denise) And you say eating these cherry tomatoes will make you more tranquil under pressure?

DENISE: Yeah -- 's what I learned in my course on nutrition and the body. (Bt. sardonic) I think your brother's scarfed a few too many.

(She points to Trent -- we see he's spread out, hands behind his head, nodding off.)

JANE: Trust me, he needs no external substance to produce that reaction in him.

(Denise giggles wildly. This time, Daria and Jane don't act annoyed. Beat.)

DARIA: (to Denise) Wow, it's pretty cool you're earning a bachelors in NutriSci and playing in a band and taking care of your brother.

(Denise shrugs.)

DENISE: It's a struggle, sometimes, but I try to stay balanced.

(Beat)

JANE: Um, yeah. (Bt. turns to Daria) Hey, Daria, you wanna take a trip with me to the bathroom?

DARIA: Don't you mean port-o-toilet?

JANE: Whatever. Come on. (takes Daria's sleeve)

(Daria looks annoyed, leaves with her reluctantly. They walk a distance away, then stop. Jane turns to Daria.)

JANE: (amused. resigned) So isn't this about the time you start playing hardball with Denise?

(Pause)

DARIA: Sure. I... was just plotting my course of action.

(Beat)

JANE: Oh really?

DARIA: Yeah.

(Pause. Daria looks down.)

DARIA: I can't do it.

(Pause)

JANE: Me neither.

(Beat)

DARIA: I didn't expect her to be sort of...

JANE: Cool.

DARIA: Yeah. (Pause. resigned. philosophical) Well hey, if Trent had to end up with someone other than me, at least she's a decent person.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause. shrugs) I guess we'd better head back, then.

(Daria nods slowly. cut to shot of Denise and Trent on the blanket. Trent's snoring lightly. Denise's looking at him with a slightly peevish expression. Daria and Jane return, sit down.)

JANE: (to Denise) I decided I could hold it in.

(Pause. Daria turns her attention to Trent and gazes at him longingly.)

DENISE: (to Daria. also looking at Trent) Y' know, it's funny, Daria: your talk about your boyfriend earlier got me thinking.

(Daria glances at her, surprised.)

DARIA: About what?

DENISE: I dunno... about how certain people can seem so right for you, but that maybe, y' know, they're not the one...

(Jane glances at Daria.)

DARIA: (trying to sound nonchalant) Oh really?

DENISE: Yeah. (looks at Jane, too) I hate to say it, 'cause the person I'm thinking of is so sweet 'n' nice --

(Cut to close-up Daria, reflective.)

DENISE: (off screen) -- and there really aren't a lot of nice guys around, but...

(fade-out. fade-in to the fantasy future scene. Older Daria is standing with Marcello at the door, as she was earlier. The sounds of "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire" have subsided. Daria looks confused.)

DARIA: Marcello, I don't know. This is all so sudden...

MARCELLO: (urgent) Please, Daria, you must get away from this place.

DARIA: But hey -- why should I go with you? You'll always be married to your work more than to me.

MARCELLO: It's not myself I'm thinking of, Daria. I don't care who you end up with, so long as it's not --

(Suddenly the older Trent walks on screen. Marcello and Daria look at him. Marcello frowns, while Daria appears stunned and guilty.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria, what's up?? Who is this??

MARCELLO: Just someone who cares whether she has a happy future.

TRENT: Yo, hey, I make her happy.

DARIA: (trying to defend him, but with little enthusiasm) Oh yeah, he does.

MARCELLO: (to Daria. suspicious) Does he really? Do you and he work together?? Do you have any exciting plans --??

TRENT: Yo, mister -- I've got exciting plans. My band, Mystik Spiral's about to put out its first album. And we're getting a new name.

(Pause. Marcello looks slightly mollified, but Daria gazes at Trent, shocked.)

DARIA: Your first album --?!

(Cut to close-up shot of the present Daria, listening to Denise, wearing an uncomfortable expression on her face. cut to wider shot. Jane is also listening, with a solemn expression. Trent has rolled over onto his side, but is still snoring lightly. Suddenly Daria breaks in: )

DARIA: But, um, what if you tried talking to this person? I bet he'd listen to you if you said you were dissatisfied.

(Beat)

DENISE: I dunno, I wish it was that simple. But, sometimes it just seems like there's this wall between us, and we're shouting and shouting, but the sound, like, won't go through. You know what I mean??

(Pause)

DARIA: (subdued) Probably.

(Cut to close-up Daria, again lost in thought.)

DENISE: (off screen) Sometimes you and some people can't see each other's needs. An' if that's the case, then you've got, like, nothing...

(Cut to close-up of the older Daria. She wears a pissed-off expression.)

DARIA: (to Trent) Twenty years --

(Cut to wider shot of her standing with Trent and Marcello.)

DARIA: -- and you haven't even put out your first goddamn album, yet??!!

(Beat)

TRENT: (surprised at her anger. defensive) Hey, we've been trying to work out the kinks in "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire."

DARIA: (scathing deadpan) Ooh, the showpiece of the album.

TRENT: What's your problem??

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: You have to ask??

TRENT: Why're you getting weird on me all of a sudden?? Is it 'cause of him? (points to Marcello)

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: No. Trust me, Trent, it's all you. I can't believe I fell for a guy like you. What the hell was I thinking??

TRENT: (cocking a brow. cold) And what's so wrong with me??

DARIA: The list is a mile long, but let's start with the big black heading. You're a lazy-ass and a good-for-nothing.

TRENT: Hey, what did I just tell --?!

DARIA: What, that you're getting a new name?? I'll believe that when I see it.

(Pause)

DARIA: You're never gonna get a new name, are you, Trent?

(Pause. Trent looks resigned.)

DARIA: (more solemn) And if you're stuck in a rut, I don't think I want to be there with you. (Pause) I'm going with Marcello. (steps toward him)

(Beat. Trent hangs his head a little.)

DARIA: (to Marcello) Could you give me a lift to the airport?

(Beat)

TRENT: (to Daria. serious) You sure you wanna do this?

(Beat)

DARIA: (resolute) Yes.

(Suddenly Jane comes back to life on the couch. Lifts her head.)

JANE: (to Daria) If I were you, I'd stick with Marcello. (Bt) He's cute. (collapses into unconsciousness once again)

DARIA: Point taken.

(Beat. Trent gazes right at her.)

TRENT: You know, we could've had a great life together, Daria. We really could've.

(Daria stares right back at him.)

DARIA: Could've, would've, might've... I doubt it. (Bt) It just wasn't meant to be, Trent.

(Cut to close-up of the present Daria, frowning slightly.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) ...it just wasn't meant to be.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (drivin' around)

(Shot of Daria, Jane, Denise, and Trent riding in the car, silent. Daria and Jane look worn out and somewhat depressed. Trent drives, looking sleepy, even after his nap. fade-out.)

(fade-in to car stopped at the curb of the Morgendorffer house. Daria gets out, waves goodbye, shuts the car door, walks up the walkway. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria's room, sometime later that day)

(Shot of Daria lying on her stomach on the bed, facing the door. She's holding up Othello as if she's reading it, but her eyes appear to be wandering. Suddenly the phone rings. Daria reaches out her hand in a mock attempt to pick it up. Doesn't get it, puts her arm back down. long pause. Then, off screen: )

JAKE: (calling) Kiddo! You're little friend's on the phone!

(Beat)

DARIA: (to herself) Jane's calling to make a play date? (Bt. yelling back) Thanks, Dad!

(She sits up, picks up the receiver and puts it against her ear.)

DARIA: (deadpan) What's up?

(From the receiver, a squeaky voice: )

BARRY: Hi, Daria, it's Barry.

(Pause. cut to split screen, Daria on the right, Barry on the left. Behind Barry, we can see several cases of stuffed animal skins -- cats, squirrels, et cetera. Meanwhile, Daria's got on an "ugh" expression.)

DARIA: Oh... hi... Barry.

BARRY: Boy, you sure take a lot of showers.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh, um... the doctor says they're good for my contagious skin condition.

BARRY: Huh??

(Daria groans softly.)

DARIA: Nothing.

BARRY: So anyway, I was wonderin': would ya wanna go out with me tonight?

DARIA: (deadpan) And what's the occasion again?

BARRY: Ah-ha-ha, you're funny! (Bt) I thought we could go to the movies -- the cineplex is showing the "Phantom Menace."

DARIA: So art imitates life?

BARRY: Huh?

DARIA: No -- at least that menace is invisible.

BARRY: (missing the jab) Ha-ha-ha! (Bt) I hope you don't mind if my mom comes along --

DARIA: To spoil our perfect evening?

BARRY: Just to warn ya, she's mourning the anniversary of Captain Kirk's death, so she'll be appearing in her Star Fleet uniform.

DARIA: This just keeps getting better and better.

BARRY: She's fluent in Kling'on. Bet she'd give ya a few lessons if ya want 'em --

(Suddenly we hear the beeping sound of call-waiting.)

BARRY: What's that?

DARIA: Another call. (Bt) Sorry Barry, I really have to take it -- could be a matter of life and death.

BARRY: But --

DARIA: See ya.

(She clicks over. Barry's screen is replaced by Jane's.)

DARIA: Hello?

JANE: Daria! Wait'll you hear the good news!!

(Daria's eyes widen.)

DARIA: What??

JANE: Denise broke up with Trent! They've broken up! You've got a shot at him again!

(Pause. Daria looks stunned.)

JANE: Daria?

(Beat)

DARIA: (struggles to sound enthusiastic) Oh... cool. That really makes me happy.

JANE: Yeah, I thought it would.

DARIA: So where's Trent now?

JANE: Dunno -- he left a short time ago. To cool off, I guess.

DARIA: (monotone) I guess. (Bt) Well, I s'pose I should concoct a new strategy, then.

JANE: (crafty) Yeah, and I'll be right there to back you up if ya need me.

DARIA: Oh, I know you will. (Bt) Listen, I --

(She's interrupted by the sound of knocking at her door.)

DARIA: Listen, I'd better go. That's probably Dad with my new training wheels.

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: (shaking her head) Don't ask. (Bt) Anyway, I'll see you later.

JANE: Okay, bye.

(Daria hangs up. cut to full shot of her room. She sits there for a second, then gets up and walks slowly to the door.)

DARIA: (calling as she gets there) What??

(She opens the door. We see Trent standing outside, holding his guitar case. Daria's face takes on a stunned expression.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria.

(Beat)

DARIA: (taken aback) Um, hey.

JAKE: (calling, from off screen) Hey kiddo! Jane's brother's here to see you!

DARIA: (calling back) Thanks for the warning, Dad! (Bt. to Trent) Um, so what d' you want?

(Beat)

TRENT: Well I was thinkin' 'bout the concert this afternoon --

(Daria watches receptively.)

TRENT: And, well, (lifts the guitar case) it really got me inspired.

DARIA: (surprised) You can actually remember the concert??

(Trent chuckles, coughs.)

TRENT: Yeah, I guess I did nod off there for a while. (Bt) But the stuff I remember's helped me come up with a bunch of song ideas. Wrote some down. (reaches into his pocket, retrieves some crumpled papers)

DARIA: (looking at them) Oh.

(Beat)

TRENT: I wanted to know if I could run them by you. You could change the words if you think they're not right. (Bt) So how 'bout it?

(Pause. Then Daria cocks an eyelid and smirks.)

DARIA: Sure, I'm game. (Bt) I mean, what're friends for?

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

The question I asked of Amy in "The Tie That Chokes" is the same one I could ask of Trent: why wouldn't he be dating anyone?? The only plausible explanation (since I doubt it's because he harbors a secret, burning desire for Daria) is that he's too lazy. Actually, the more plausible reason is that the show's writers just want Trent to appear available so Daria can long for him.

A question for me: why did I write this fic? Well, there are three reasons. One, it seemed like a good "breather" episode after the intensity of "That Thing You Say." Although Trent having a girlfriend is an angst-ridden subject, the episode proved to be significantly lighter to write and, probably, to read. Secondly, it seemed like the episode that would follow TTYS, since that one ended with Daria and Trent putting on a song for Helen. I always knew that I would write a cynical 'shipper, but it wasn't until I started writing TTYS that I decided "'Shipped Out" would be my fourth fic.

The major reason, though, is that I agree with Glenn Eichler's take on the Trent/Daria romance. In TOON, Issue #18, he said that for people to get wrapped up in "will they, won't they" and to de-emphasize other aspects of the show would be like someone eating the sprinkles on an ice cream cone and then throwing the rest away. There's so much going on with the show, as I'm sure the majority of 'shippers realize. And one of the things we can plainly see is that Daria has opinions and aspirations that wouldn't mesh with Trent's.

I consider Trent to be mainly Daria's transition guy, from Beavis and Butt-Head to a guy who's like herself. However, I will be interested to see what happens between those two. The writers, apparently, want to string the "romance" along for as many seasons as possible. :-) There's the remote chance that Trent and Daria could get together briefly, but, like the other cynics out there, I've gotta say that I harbor my doubts.....

Now, points of interest

Barry: The poor guy probably didn't deserve the scalding he got from Daria and Jane. But remember... this is Daria and Jane we're talking about. Besides, it is slightly creepy that a guy would get his kicks from stuffing dead animal skins (which is what "taxidermy" is).

Different flow: Writing this fanfic was quite a different experience from writing my previous three. For the first time, I got to portray Daria front-and-center in all her droll glory. In the first two, she was droll, but in the background, and in TTYS, she was in the foreground, but hardly had anything to be droll about. What a nice change of pace! Also, whereas my previous fics contained several tight scenes that built up a sort of tension throughout, this one has several very long, leisurely scenes (ex: Daria and Jane at lunch in Act II, the market in Act III). I can even say that I improvised more in this fic than in previous: in Act III, I wasn't exactly sure what Daria was going to do with Denise. I had several scenarios envisioned, but finally I went with the one where Daria slowly warms to her. I figured that to make Denise too much of a ditz would be to give Trent little credit for having taste.

Where's the family??: Speaking of change of pace, this is the first fic that hasn't prominently featured Helen, Jake, or Quinn. I'm not sure why, except in the case of Helen: after the emotional rollercoaster I put her on in TTTC and TTYS, that poor woman needed a break!

Where's the Fashion Club??: Well, they -- at least Stacy -- were there in spirit. I guess they took a vacation at the spa during this episode...

No glasses: This is the first fic in which I haven't mentioned Quinn's vision problems... oops.

New intro 10 Spot promo: It occurred to me that if I'm doing "Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot," I ought to include the 10 Spot promo at the beginning of each fic as well. Ugh, my work keeps growing... :-)

Now, on to the games............!!!

It seems as though the postscript game for TTYS was a little harder for people than I expected it to be (hell, I proofread my fics so many times, I could practically recite them line-for-line by now). I panicked a bit, and even made a desperate plea (with some subtle blackmail thrown in) to the people on my mailing list for someone to play it. Finally, duh-duh-duhhhh... Robert Loudner, the champion of my last postscript game, stepped up! Way to go! Here's what he found:

I asked, which of the following three lines occurs in all three of my first three fanfics?

a) What's that supposed to mean?   
b) What d' you think?   
c) Mmrrrrrrrrrrr....

Robert found that it was c... and he's right! Here's who and where:

"Rose-Colored Lenses": Act III, when Daria and Jane hear Brittany calling to them.

"The Tie That Chokes": Act I, when Helen's irritated at Jake for not wanting to come with her to meet Amy.

"That Thing You Say": Act III, when Daria's sitting in O'Neill's class, the morning after her big fight with Helen.

As for the runners up:

a occurs in the following

RCL: Act II, Quinn gets ticked off in DeMartino's class when he says she's not a scholar like Daria.

TTTC: Act III, Amy gets angry at Helen after Helen accuses her of being closed-off.

b occurs in the following

RCL: Act II, Quinn comes out to show the family her new clothes.

TTTC: Act I, Daria asks Amy how she likes her room

Robert even pointed out some oopses I made with my question. I was so sure each line only occurred once per episode, but he pointed out places where they'd been said twice. b in RCL, Quinn nervously asks Daria how she likes the glasses ("Um... so what do you think, Daria?"). c in TTTC, Helen is grumbling about Amy's chummy relationship with Daria ("'Cause you see, with you she's mmrrrr-mmrrrr-mmrrrr..."). Congrats, Robert! I dub thee Superfan. :-)

Now here's the new game. I've made it slightly easier in order to get more people involved. Which of my four fanfics has the most made-up characters? I mean completely made-up, never before mentioned on the show. (Hint: Marcello isn't one of them.) If this one doesn't get any takers, I'll go back to single-episode trivia (i.e: the counting, etc.) If that doesn't get any takers, then sniff, sniff, I'll lay my games to rest....

I've written enough fics where I can now establish an Oops list:

RCL: The bathrooms do have passageways you walk through to get to their doors. I'd depicted them as having doorways that opened into the hall. Damn and double-damn! 

TTTC: During Daria's "tour" of Lawndale, I refer to the place Daria and Trent went to in "Pierce Me" as the "tattoo parlor" -- actually it's Axl's Piercing Parlor. Oh well, he probably does tattoos on the side... 

TTYS: I made an oops that I sort of corrected in this episode. Towards the beginning of TTTC, Daria tells Jane her watch is broken... but toward the end of TTYS, she checks the time on her watch. I realized that after I sent TTYS out and thought, oh drat! 

Acknowledgements: As always, I have to give thanks to the library that is Outpost Daria. And to Martin Pollard, for putting me on the F.A. page... :-)

If you want to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu. But please refrain from sending me any nasty comments about this fanfic...

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.............. and more dots. Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All rights reserved. 


	5. Andrea Speaks!

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the fifth fic in my chronology, and the first true follow-up to "Rose-Colored Lenses." It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," and "'Shipped Out." 

I'd give this fic a 2S, maybe even a 2.5S. Gasp, I thought nothing could be longer than "The Tie That Chokes," but I was wrong!

I tried to keep it short... I really tried............ Enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: Then woman's being chased by some guy in a car. She runs into a forest, falls down near a tape player, and turns it on. Then she gets up and runs away. Weird... and in some way, strangely reminiscent of "Austin Powers." Least I think so...

[intro theme music...................]

ANDREA SPEAKS! byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (DeMartino's classroom)

(Shot of him standing in front of the class, lecturing. Among the students, we see Kevin, Brittany, and Andrea seated in the front row, and Daria and Jane seated in their usual spot in the second row, off to the side.)

DeMARTINO: (eye bulging, as always) President KENNEDY and President REAGAN were two of the most POPular leaders of this CENTURY. (Bt) Class, do you know what they had in COMMON to make them so??

(Beat. Brittany raises her hand.)

DeMARTINO: Brittany??

(Brittany twirls a lock of hair, wears a typically vacant expression.)

BRITTANY: Um... they both had really good hair?

(Pause)

DeMARTINO: (looking like he's trying to make a useful point from this) Brittany, you may have actually stumbled ON to something. (Bt) APPEARANCE made a difference. (Bt) Would anyone else care to eLABorate on what she said??

(Pause. No one volunteers except Kevin, whose waving hand DeMartino ignores. He glances briefly at Andrea, but sees she's not about to respond. Finally his eyes travel over to Our Heroine.)

DeMARTINO: Daria! Why don't YOU enlighten us??

(Beat. Daria sighs. Starts to speak: )

DARIA: They were both -- (interrupted by a voice off screen: )

MS LI: Class! I have a veeeeeery important announcement!

(Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) Saved by the shrill.

(Daria smirks. Meanwhile, Ms. Li's walking into the room and standing in front. DeMartino moves to the side, looking ticked-off at being interrupted.)

MS LI: I wanted to inform you --

(She stops abruptly as she and we see Andrea get up and walk out of the room without so much as acknowledging her.)

DARIA: (to Jane) Damn. She just stole my Plan B.

(Jane smirks in agreement. Ms. Li looks flustered and vaguely outraged .)

MS LI: Well I never -- of all the rude... (turns to DeMartino. accusing tone) Mr. DeMartino, is this the way you conduct discipline in your class on ciiiiiiiiivic behavior??

DeMARTINO: (through gritted teeth) I'll destroy her when you're through, Ms. Li. (Bt) PLEASE, continue.

MS LI: Very well. (Bt) Students, I'm hear to remiiiiiiiiind you that today is the due date for all clubs at Laaaaaaaaaawndale High to turn in their charters. (Bt) In fact, while I'm here, let me just take a few minutes to enlighten you on the importance of student participation...

(Her voice fades into the background. Meanwhile, DeMartino's gritting his teeth so hard, they look like they might shatter. Jane leans toward Daria again.)

JANE: She couldn't've just made this announcement over the P.A. instead of walking into each and every classroom to give the same speech?

MS LI: Ms. Lane!

DARIA: (to Jane) Busted.

(Jane rolls her eyes as Ms. Li comes over and stands in front of her and Daria.)

MS LI: Are you making a mockery of the way I conduct buuuuusiness at this school??

JANE: Of course not. (Bt. shrugs) Well, no more than usual.

(Daria can't conceal a slight chuckle. Ms. Li picks up on it, glares at her and Jane.)

MS LI: (to Jane) Perhaps you and Ms. Morgendorffer aren't aware that I make my rounds to keep an eye on callous, trouble-making delinquents who pose a threat to the sanctity of this illustrious institution.

(Beat. Jane and Daria exchange unfazed "Whatever" glances.)

MS LI: (continuing) Which brings me back to clubs. Clubs are an important means of instilling feelings of pride and commitment to your school. (Bt. looks at Daria) Ms. Morgendorffer.

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

MS LI: (continuing) A young lady with as much brains and talent as yourself ought to be the beacon of this establishment. Instead --

DARIA: (deadpan) I'm on a road straight to hell.

JANE: And there's no going back.

(Beat. Ms. Li glowers at them.)

MS LI: You two think you're very funny, don't you?? (Bt. ominous) But bewaaaaaare of what you say. (to Daria) Especially you.

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh I will, ma' am. And your inspiring words have given me much to think about. Which I'll be happy to do in the bathroom. (starts to stand up)

MS LI: You plan to leave now??!

DARIA: (pausing) Would you rather I hold it in?

JANE: (to Ms. Li) I wouldn't risk it if I were you.

(Beat. Ms. Li rolls her eyes and purses her lips together.)

MS LI: Very well. (Bt. turns to DeMartino) But if she comes back with any powdery substances on her person, march her straight to my office.

DeMARTINO: (glowering) Yes, ma'am.

(Ms. Li turns back to face the class. Spies Brittany.)

MS LI: (dripping with pride) Ahhh, I see we have Laaaaawndale's head cheerleader seated before us. (Bt) Ms. Taylor, why don't you enliiiiiiiighten the students about the benefits of cheerleading...?

(Her voice fades into the background. Daria smirks at Jane and walks toward the door.)

JANE: (wry whisper) Damn you!

(Daria leaves.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (the bathroom)

(Shot of the door and the stalls. Daria opens the door and walks in. Immediately she's stricken by the acrid smell of smoke coming from the middle stall, which causes her to freeze and wrinkle her nose. She coughs a couple of times, then waves a hand rapidly to disperse the odor. Finally she makes her way past the stalls, shaking her head in a "Let me guess" manner.)

(Cut to shot of the mirror and sinks. Daria walks up to one of the sinks, stands before it. She does nothing for several seconds, then finally checks her watch. She doesn't really have to use the bathroom -- it was just an excuse, and now she's wondering how long she should stall. She eventually reaches over and turns on a faucet in the sink. Washes her hands.)

(During this time, we hear the faint sound of a stall door opening and closing. Daria finishes washing her hands, pauses, and then decides to wash her face. cut to close-up of Daria. She removes her glasses, leans over and splashes some water on her face. Reaches for a paper towel, wipes her face dry. Puts on her glasses, then cringes with surprise. resume wide shot. We see Andrea standing behind her, leaning against the wall. Every so often, she lifts a cigarette to her mouth and takes a puff. She's staring at Daria. Meanwhile, Daria is staring into the mirror back at her, trying not to seem too unnerved.)

DARIA: Um... hi.

(long Pause)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Oops -- I've said too much.

(She glances at Andrea, waiting for a response. When she doesn't get any, so as not to seem like she's been frightened off, Daria decides to wash her hands again. As she does so, she keeps glancing through the mirror at Andrea, who's still staring at her. Finally Daria dries off her hands on her jacket and turns to leave.)

DARIA: Um... the sink's all yours.

(long Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder. Daria heads toward the door, a puzzled look on her face.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Nice talking to you, too.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Quinn's math class, a short time later that day)

(We hear Ms. Li's off screen voice-over. Close-up shot of Quinn sitting at her desk. Her head is balanced on one hand, and she's rolling her eyes, looking supremely bored. cut to wide shot. Quinn is sitting toward the front of the room, while Stacy sits not too far behind her, and Sandi and Tiffany sit in the back. [They're all together -- how convenient.] Meanwhile, Ms. Li's wrapping up a drawn-out lecture about clubs. Mr. Phelps, Quinn's balding, fifty-something year-old teacher, stands off to one side. He looks resigned and impatient, and now and then checks his watch. Suddenly we hear the bell ring.)

MS LI: Oh goodness! (glances at the clock) I'm sorry, students -- I have to go. I have many, many more classes to inter-- I mean visit. Carry on. (leaves quickly)

PHELPS: Yes, thank you, Ms. Li. (wipes his forehead. turns to the class.) Class, before you go, please wait until I've passed back your tests.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Great. (Pause. sees Stacy approaching her.) God, I thought she'd never shut up.

STACY: (subservient as always) Me neither. But at least we got to skip the entire lesson.

(Quinn stands up, takes her backpack.)

QUINN: (blasé) Hmph, yeah.

STACY: I just flipped through a magazine while she was talking. What d' you do?

QUINN: (exasperated) I couldn't do anything! I was too close.

STACY: (nodding) Yeah. (Bt. sympathetic) It's too bad you're stuck up front. But maybe now that Louise is no longer here to give fashion tips to, Mr. Phelps'll let you move to the back again.

(Beat. Quinn suddenly looks unnerved at the thought.)

QUINN: Oh, well, um yes, maybe he will, but...

(Just then, Phelps comes by and hands Stacy and Quinn back their tests.)

PHELPS: Nice job, Ms. Morgendorffer. (leaves)

(Beat)

QUINN: Huh? (looks at the test)

(Stacy quickly hides her test and also looks at Quinn's. Her face brightens.)

STACY: Wow, Quinn! You got a ninety-six!

QUINN: Agh!

(She drops the paper as if it were laced with poison. Then she quickly kneels down, picks it up, and shoves it into her backpack. Stands up and looks around frantically, hoping no one else overheard what Phelps said. Unfortunately, Sandi and Tiffany are approaching, Sandi smirking wickedly.)

QUINN: (weakly) It was just luck. I copied off a really smart nerd that day.

SANDI: You sure you're not the nerd, Quinn? Why else would you sit at the front of the room??

(Quinn chuckles nervously.)

QUINN: (trying to make light of it) Sandi, haven't I explained it to you before?? I sacrificed my place in the back to help the less fortunate. (Bt. voice rises, takes on a faux noble tone) And even though Louise is gone, there are still so many, many I can reach out to.

STACY: (idolizing) You're so giving, Quinn.

QUINN: (smirking) Thanks.

(Beat. Sandi looks pouty -- she doesn't like in when Quinn receives compliments.)

SANDI: (haughty. faux noble) Gee, if Quinn's such a good fashion advisor, maybe she should be president of the Fashion Club.

QUINN: (flinging a hand at her. faux humble) Oh no, Sandi, I could never take your place. Perish the thought. (Bt) Now let's get out of here -- this room gives me the creeps.

(They leave. cut to shot of the door as seen from the hallway. All of the F.C.'s walk through into the hall. Sandi hesitates a little. We see she's holding a cream-colored sheet of paper.)

SANDI: You guys go. I'll catch up with you later.

TIFFANY & STACY: Why? / Where're you going?

(Quinn looks at the paper.)

QUINN: What is that?

SANDI: (trying to act nonchalant) Oh, it's just our club charter. I gotta take it to the principal's office.

TIFFANY: Cool.

STACY: Can we see it??

(Sandi holds the paper close to her chest. Looks even more hesitant .)

SANDI: Oh, you wouldn't want to. It's kind of boring and legal --

(Quinn reaches over and snatches it away.)

QUINN: Here, let me see.

SANDI: Hey!

(Quinn skims over the paper, humming a little to herself. long Pause. Stacy and Tiffany glances at Sandi, bewildered. Sandi looks irritated and impatient. Finally Quinn raises her head, smirks with satisfaction.)

QUINN: Hmm, it says here that the Fashion Club is s'posed to hold annual elections.

(Pause. Now Stacy and Tiffany looks at Sandi with expressions of shock.)

STACY: Elections??

TIFFANY: (slightly peeved) You said officers were chosen based on the will of the president.

SANDI: (uneasy. trying to make excuses) Oh, well, um, that was under the old charter.

(Beat. Quinn's smirk has grown wicked and calculating.)

QUINN: Well now that we have a new charter, maybe we ought to, like, observe the new rules.

SANDI: (vague outrage) You mean hold elections??

QUINN: (faux nonchalant) Yeah. I mean, unless you don't want to, Sandi.

SANDI: (ticked) Why should I not want to??

QUINN: Oh. No reason. (eyes trail away)

(Pause)

SANDI: Are you saying I'm afraid I won't get elected president??

QUINN: (faux innocent) Did I sound like I said that, Sandi?

(Sandi doesn't answer, but instead gets in Quinn's face. Quinn glares back at her.

SANDI: (through gritted teeth) Very well: we'll hold elections. And just to show how not worried I am, I'll even let you run against me. How does that sound??

QUINN: (also through gritted teeth) Great. We'll probably all elect each other to the same offices, anyway.

(They continue to glare at each other like predators. Stacy and Tiffany exchange "This could be good" glances.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Daria and Jane's lockers)

(Shot of Daria leaning against hers, while Jane fiddles around in hers.)

DARIA: I'm still a little creeped-out.

(Jane shuts her locker.)

JANE: Don't be --you just had an "Andrea encounter," that's all.

(Beat. Daria looks at her, stunned.)

DARIA: There's a term for it??

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Sort of. (Bt) It happens every so often, like blue moons or crop circles. Happened to me in fifth grade.

DARIA: Why? What d' you do to her?

JANE: Dunno. Maybe asked to borrow her pencil. (Bt) What d' you do?

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: Nothing. We never talk. (Pause. frowns, remembering.) Although there was that time we exchanged glasses. [*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"

JANE: Maybe she thinks it's brought you closer together.

(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid, annoyed.)

JANE: Hey, it's Andrea we're talking about!

(Beat)

DARIA: True. (Bt. thoughtful) It's kind of funny we know nothing about her.

JANE: No one knows anything about Andrea. She's totally closed off in her sadistic little world.

(Pause. Daria glances at Jane, a bit surprised she'd use a strong word like "sadistic" about someone they don't know, even playfully.)

DARIA: Aren't you even a little curious?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Maybe once I was. But I've learned to let go.

DARIA: I don't know... I'd kind of like to talk with her sometime. Maybe about poetry -- she writes some pretty intense, dark stuff.

(Jane smirks wickedly.)

JANE: Ah yes, I can see it now: Daria and Andrea, two fiendish minds coming together to create the most twisted, socially anarchistic poetry mankind has ever known.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (peevish) I just want to talk with her -- not subvert the world order.

JANE: Not yet, anyway.

(Pause. Daria glares at her.)

JANE: What??

(Daria shakes her head, directs her eyes off screen. Suddenly she sees something and cringes. cut to her POV: Andrea's standing a distance away, in the middle of the hall, staring right at her. She then slowly turns and walks away. cut to close-up of Daria. She runs a hand through her hair, rattled.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (walking home)

(Shot of Daria walking home, slumped forward and lost in thought. Her gaze is directed downward. Suddenly she notices that her shadow seems to be a bit long. She shudders, and quickly turns to look behind her. There's no one there. Daria sighs with relief and keeps on walking. A short time later, she notices a shadow with a spiky top coming from the side. Looks again, sees that it's not Andrea -- it's a spiky bush. Daria closes her eyes and groans. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Quinn's in high spirits, and is telling the family, especially Helen, about her life's recent developments. Daria's poking at her food, looking half-contemplative, half-annoyed at Quinn. Jake's oblivious, as usual. Helen is listening intently to Quinn and wearing a proud "my little protégé" expression.)

QUINN: ... So we're holding them at the end of next week so, like, Stacy and Tiffany can know their options. Real democratic-like.

DARIA: (deadpan) Like China.

(Helen and Quinn ignore Daria's comment. Helen is still absorbed in what Quinn just said.)

HELEN: So sweetie, what do you plan to do for this election? (crooning) Any campaign strategies Mom can help out with?

QUINN: Oh, that won't be nec--

HELEN: You know, I remember when I was running for school secretary against that conniving bitch, Laura Winters --

(Quinn rolls her eyes. Daria smirks a little. Jake looks up from his food, a bit bewildered.)

HELEN: (ranting) -- I had that damn election in the bag until she started spreading rumors about me streaking naked through the quad. Dammit, it was one time --!

QUINN: Mo-om!!!

JAKE: Honey, I think... (gestures at Quinn)

HELEN: Oh. (looks chastened, then cocks an annoyed eyebrow at Jake.)

(Beat)

QUINN: We're not gonna have a stupid campaign -- Stacy and Tiffany already know who we are.

DARIA: But do they want to know?

QUINN: (ignoring Daria. continuing) Instead, we've decided to square off in a forum that reflects our true abilities.

DARIA: You mean pull some sucker off the street and see who can give her the better makeover?

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Puh-leeese! If Sandi and I didn't have impeccable fashion sense, we wouldn't be in the Fashion Club. (Bt) I'm talking leadership abilities, Daria! Deep stuff.

DARIA: Ooh, I get it. Pass this girl the Nobel Peace Prize.

(Beat. This time Helen looks at Daria with a slightly peevish expression. Turns to Quinn.)

HELEN: Well, Quinn, I think it's fabulous to see you so involved in your club. (looks at Daria) You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt you to get more involved --

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Are we having this conversation?

HELEN: Now come on, I'm sure there are plenty of --

DARIA: Because if so, I think my time could be better spent elsewhere. Like up in my room.

(Helen groans.)

HELEN: All right, all right.

(Beat)

QUINN: (peevish) Don't feel too bad, Mom. (Bt) It would take a bomb blast in her room to get Loser-girl out in public.

HELEN & JAKE: (warning) Quinn.

QUINN: (ignoring them. to Daria) You're always sitting around, all mopey with your head in a dumb book. Why d'you have to be like that??

DARIA: Yes, why? When I could be a pampered socialite whose life is a sham.

QUINN: (frowning) What're you talking about??

DARIA: You know. (cocks an eyelid)

(Pause. For a moment the animation drains from Quinn's face. Then she frowns defiantly. Meanwhile, Helen and Jake are glancing at each other, seeing that the conversation is getting slightly out of hand.)

HELEN: (pacifying) Now, Quinn, you're sister is not a loser just because she chooses to avoid school activities. (Bt. looks at Daria) I'm sure she has plenty going on in her life.

JAKE: Yeah, kiddo! How's your day been?

DARIA: Glad someone finally asked. (Bt) Same old, same old.

HELEN & JAKE: Oh. (the animation fades a bit from their faces)

(Beat. Daria cocks and eyelid.)

DARIA: Although there is this girl I want to get to know.

HELEN: (face brightening) A girl??

JAKE: (excited) What's her name??

DARIA: Andrea.

QUINN: That freaky girl?!

HELEN & JAKE: Huh?? (look at Daria)

DARIA: (to Quinn. defensive) Hey, she's no freakier than the fashion victims you call friends.

(Quinn's eyes narrow.)

HELEN: (straining to sound nonchalant) Um, so who is this girl, Daria?

QUINN: She belongs to a cult that blows up schools!

HELEN & JAKE: What??!!

(Daria heaves a big sigh.)

DARIA: No. She doesn't. (Bt) Andrea's a Goth chick, but she's not into that stuff. (Bt) Least I don't think.... [*] see postscript

(Beat)

HELEN: (again trying to sound nonchalant) Well, um, what does Jane think of her?

(Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: She's not really Jane's type. (Bt. slightly defensive) Besides, why should Jane have to check up on the people I meet?

HELEN: Oh no, sweetie, I didn't mean it like that...

(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Anyway, we haven't exactly bonded over blood and gore video games. (Bt. thoughtful) I haven't even talked to her, yet...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (school, a few days later)

(Shot of outside. cut to close-up shot of Daria fiddling around in her locker. As she shuts her locker door, she feels an unnerving presence. Turns around. cut to her POV -- Andrea's standing a distance away from her, staring. She then turns and walks away. resume close-up of Daria. She sighs a resolute sigh and cocks an eyelid.)

(Cut to shot of Andrea pausing to pull out a cigarette. She then reaches into her other pocket for a lighter. We suddenly see Daria walking up and standing across from her.)

DARIA: Um, hi.

(Pause. Andrea looks at her with an impassive expression.)

DARIA: (uncomfortable. hesitant) I was just wondering... (Pause. rolls her eyes. sighs. flings her hands.) Forget it. Never mind.

(She turns and walks away a short distance. Pause. Andrea watches her, then: )

ANDREA: (quiet. expressionless) What d' you want?

(Daria stops, startled. She slowly turns around and walks back over to her.)

DARIA: I... was... (shakes her head. spits it out.) I notice you've been watching me the past few days.

(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um... any special reason?

(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs both shoulders.)

ANDREA: Just felt like it.

(Pause. Now Daria's blushing, she's so uncomfortable.)

DARIA: Could you be more specific?

(Pause)

ANDREA: It's fun.

(Pause. Now Daria is glaring.)

DARIA: Fun??

(Pause)

ANDREA: Yeah. (Bt) You're kind of weird.

DARIA: Hey look who's talking!

(Pause)

ANDREA: You're, like, this conformist who tries to be different.

(Pause. Daria now gazes at her, speechless. Finally she gets hold of herself.)

DARIA: What d' you mean??

(Pause. Andrea shrugs both shoulders.)

DARIA: Hey don't give me the silent treatment!

(Beat)

ANDREA: I meant what I said.

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: C' mon -- conformist?? This isn't my sister you're talking to. I'm not Quinn.

(Pause. Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)

ANDREA: She's fun to watch, too.

(Beat. Daria purses her lips together.)

DARIA: You know what I mean.

(Pause)

ANDREA: I don't know. You guys seem kind of alike. (Bt) I mean, if you didn't have her around, you'd probably be her.

(Pause. cut to close-up of Daria's face. She's so stunned, her mouth has dropped open.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Daria standing in front of the mirror while Andrea stares at her.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: It's Brittany versus Quinn in the battle of the century. Will Lawndale High ever be the same?? (sorry, no footage available -- damn MTV technicians!) Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

Lunchables... if you're not familiar with them, they're the ready-made pizzas, burgers, hot dogs, et cetera that it's so cool for kids to bring as their school lunch. Sorry, but no matted how hard I squint, I still cannot call this stuff food... 

Another phone commercial... the long-distance variety , where the phone companies say "It's easy!" and have you dial a bunch of numbers to save money. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I find those numbers so forbidding, I'd rather just pay the full fee. (My feeling's based on personal experience: last year, I was studying abroad in Europe, and each time I called home, I had to work my way through a nightmarish column of numbers -- oftentimes failing, and having to start over -- to make the connection.) 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ANDREA SPEAKS!

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Daria's dream, early morning)

(It's pitch black and silent. Suddenly we hear an echoing voice -- Andrea's.)

ANDREA: Whoooooo do you think you arrrrrrrrrrre...?

(We then see a dimly-lit figure emerge from the darkness. The figure grows more recognizable as it walks forward -- it's Daria. She's waving her arms around, trying to disperse the darkness, and looking confused. She looks straight ahead and suddenly her eyes widen. She gasps. cut to her POV: Andrea's towering overhead, staring down at Daria with scathing eyes.)

ANDREA: You caaaaaaaaaaall yourself an outcast??

(Cut to shot of Daria. She starts to speak, when suddenly Brittany's head floats on screen, swirls around above her.)

BRITTANY: Hey look, Kevvy! Let's say hi to our buddy, Daria! [*] see "The Lost Girls"

(Daria gazes up at her, utterly shocked. Before she can recover, Jodie's head floats on screen, intermingles with Brittany's.)

JODIE: Daria, could you play the cymbals in our quintet for the Lawndale Days festival? [*] see C.E. Forman's "Rain on Your Parade"

DARIA: I --

(Before she can get out another word, DeMartino's head bounces on screen, swirls around with the others.)

DeMARTINO: Daria, will you enlighten these two LUNKHEADS, Kevin and Brittany, about the history of America??

BRITTANY: Hey!

(Then Ms. Li's head floats on screen. Suddenly it's getting a little crowded -- Daria has to stoop over to avoid getting head-slammed.)

MS LI: Not so fast, Mr. DeMartino. Darierrrrrrrr has to practice her valedictory speech.

DeMARTINO: Oh, well --

(Then O'Neill's head shoots on screen.)

O'NEILL: (whiny) Please, Daria, hide my shoddy teaching style with your brilliant literary insights!

(Daria is about to respond again, when all of the heads start talking at once, creating quite a din. Daria looks at Andrea for help. cut to her POV -- Andrea towering overhead.)

ANDREA: Dammit -- you're popular! BEGONE!!!

(Cut to close-up of Daria. She gasps. Everything goes poof.)

(Cut to shot of Daria in bed. She shoots upright, gasping. After several seconds, she finally gets hold of herself. Frowns.)

DARIA: (resolute) All right. We have to talk.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (school, later that morning)

(Shot of Daria walking down the hall with Jane. She's walking at a brisk pace, and Jane's struggling to keep up.)

DARIA: I've been condemned for being too alienated, and I've learned to accept it. (Bt) But not alienated enough?? That's just sick.

JANE: (pacifying) Daria, this is the third time we've had this conversation, and I keep telling you -- Andrea's just like that.

DARIA: (sarcastic) You mean sadistic?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Yeah. She was probably trying to get a reaction from you. Just ignore her.

DARIA: Ignore Big Brother? (Bt) Why should I -- she's not ignoring me. (Bt) And dammit, why should she get to decide who's and outcast and who isn't??

(Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: Look, do whatever. Go tell her how you feel if it's bothering you so much. She's over there.

(She stops and points to a growing crowd of students a short distance away. Andrea's standing at the edge of it. Daria gazes over and cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: An onlooker at Quinn's Fashion Club debate. Now who's the conformist??

(Jane rolls her eyes again.)

JANE: She probably wants to watch the carnage unfold. I'm kind of curious, myself.

DARIA: (frowning) I can't believe the school's letting them hold this thing during class.

JANE: Hey, fashion's important to the school. (Bt) If the students look good, visitors'll think we're happy. Then they'll forget about minor transgressions, like budget cuts or horse meat in the cafeteria food.

DARIA: I see. (Bt) Fashion makes the school look like it's doing it's job.

JANE: Exactly.

(Beat)

DARIA: Look, I think I will have a talk with Andrea. (Bt) Where should we meet up?

JANE: (wicked) Wherever I'm close enough to see the blood spill.

(Daria shakes her head, walks away.)

DARIA: Spoken like a true sadist....

(Cut to shot of Andrea, doing what she was doing the first time she and Daria spoke -- retrieving a cigarette and lighter. Daria strides up and stands across from her. This time, she's frowning.)

DARIA: Okay, Andrea. What's up?

(Pause. Andrea looks at her questioningly.)

ANDREA: Don't know. (shrugs a shoulder)

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes, mashes her lips together. Glowers at Andrea.)

DARIA: You do too know. (Bt) Remember our conversation yesterday?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Not really.

(Beat)

DARIA: C' mon -- that stuff you said about me being a conformist. That I'm like Quinn.

(Pause)

DARIA: (frustrated) Because you're wrong. You don't know anything about me.

(Pause)

DARIA: Deep down, I'm as twisted as you are. Maybe even more so.

(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Okay.

(Pause. Daria waits for more of a response. When she doesn't get it, her irritation grows.)

DARIA: Okay, okay... or okay, you agree with me??

(Pause)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Here's an idea: how 'bout after I stop talking, you start right away.

(Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: The second one.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh. Okay. (Bt) Well then, I guess that settles -- (starts to leave. then suddenly stops. turns to Andrea again.) Wait, one more thing.

(Andrea looks at her impassively.)

DARIA: I've been going to school here for over a year. And yet only lately you've started watching me. Right?

(Beat. Andrea nods vaguely.)

DARIA: So how come?

(Pause)

ANDREA: I wasn't interested in you before.

(Pause. Daria gives her a pointed look that says "continue.")

ANDREA: You once read some cool poetry in class.

(Beat. Daria blinks, surprised.)

DARIA: The "poetry from life" stuff we did a while back? [*] see "That Thing You Say"

(Andrea nods. Pause. Daria takes a moment to let this sink in. Then: )

DARIA: (wry) Let me save us some time by guessing the rest. You thought my work was cool, and that underneath my boring façade, I might be cool, too. So you've been watching me for clues.

(Beat. Andrea nods.)

DARIA: But instead, you've just found more conventionality. Correct??

(Beat. Andrea nods.)

DARIA: Well I'm not conventional.

(Beat. Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)

ANDREA: You've said that already.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh. Right. (Bt) Well, um, what I mean is... I think you and I are a lot alike.

(Beat. Andrea looks at Daria impassively.)

DARIA: (blushing furiously) And maybe we could, um, look at each other's work sometime.

(Pause. Then we hear a thundering voice off screen: )

UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, the first annual Fashion Club debate is about to begin! So gather 'round while there's still gawking space available!!!

(Pause. Daria runs a hand through her hair, rattled. She was already pretty on edge to start with. Andrea looks at her.)

ANDREA: My house. Today, after school. 3321 Cedar Court. Gray shingles. Don't forget. (turns and walks off screen)

(Daria watches her go, speechless for a few seconds.)

DARIA: Um, o-kay.

(Cut to shot of a small stage, around which a crowd including almost allthe familiar Lawndale High students have gathered. We see the 3 Js; Jodie and Mack; Kevin; Brittany and the other cheerleaders; Robert; Ted; Evan; our pal Barry from "'Shipped Out," who's passing out fliers for his Taxidermy society, a stuffed squirrel perched on his shoulder; Corey and that other guy who likes Quinn; Skylar; the "popular" girl from "The Invitation"; Brooke, the wannabe F.C., et cetera. Upchuck's standing off to one side of the stage, holding a mike and providing commentary. Stacy sits nearby, in one of two chairs. She shuffles through index cards. Meanwhile, Sandi's taking her place in one of two chairs on the stage, wearing her usual cool, haughty expression. Tiffany's with her.)

SANDI: Look -- all the people who like Quinn are here. (Bt) She has a lot of influence at this school, doesn't she?

TIFFANY: Yeah. (Bt) But not as much as you, Sandi.

(Sandi nods curtly.)

SANDI: (satisfied) Of course not.

(Cut to shot of the audience -- we see Jane standing toward the front. Daria's wading through the crowd to get to her.)

JANE: (as Daria arrives) I thought only the Fashion Club could vote in this election.

DARIA: Right. But this way they make it look like they're holding it for the students' benefit.

JANE: And what better way to enhance their image, right?

DARIA: Yep.

(Beat)

JANE: So anyway, did you tell off Andrea?

DARIA: Um... yeah.

(Suddenly the audience applauds. cut to shot of the stage. Quinn's arrived and is walking blithely to her seat. She suddenly pauses and looks out at the audience, her hands clasped together and wearing the same expression she gets when guys fight over her. Off screen, we hear guys chanting "Quinn! Quinn! Quinn!" Then Sandi makes a loud clearing-throat sound. Quinn turns around and sits down in the empty chair. Neither she nor Sandi extends a hand for good sportsmanship; instead, they just grimace at each other. Meanwhile, Tiffany is sitting down next to Stacy and also looking through index cards.)

UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaaadies and gentlemen... our candidates for president are ready to face off! In the left corner, we have the lovely Sandra Griffin, Fashion Club president for nearly two years running. And in the right corner, her very worthy opponent, Quinn Morgendorffer! Grrrrrrrrrr!

(The audience explodes at the sound of Quinn's name. Sandi's eyes narrow.)

UPCHUCK: Our debate will consist of our candidates each responding to questions posed by their fellow fashion club members. You'll both have thirty seconds! Now let's beeeeeegin! Grrrrrrrrrrr!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. They roll their eyes. Pause. cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy reads from her first index card.)

STACY: (hesitant) Um, Issue Number One: Ms. Li decides that the students should wear uniforms. What would you do? (Bt) Um, Sandi?

(Cut to shot of the stage. Sandi does a dramatic pause.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) Thirty seconds, Sandradee!

(Sandi glares down at him. Then her face takes on a superior look.)

SANDI: I'd stage a sickout for the entire school. No one would show up until Ms. Li had seen the error of taking away our freedom to accessorize.

AUDIENCE: Oooooooooh...

(Sandi smirks triumphantly. Glances at Quinn.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) And now it's on to you, Quinn my sweet. Grrrrrrr!

(Pause. Quinn looks extremely composed.)

QUINN: If I were president, I'd work with fashion clubs from other schools to destroy all uniform-related newspaper clippings and web sites, so Ms. Li would never even think of asking us to give up our right to fashion.

AUDIENCE: Ooooooooooooh!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Jane leans toward Daria.)

JANE: She's good.

DARIA: (deadpan) At blowing smoke.

(Cut to shot of the stage. Quinn smirks triumphantly, glances at Sandi. Sandi's glowering.)

UPCHUCK: A feisty rejoinder from Morgendorffer! (to Stacy and Tiffany) How did it bode with you, ladies??

(Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Even they seem pretty impressed.)

STACY & TIFFANY: Good!

UPCHUCK: Okaaaaaaay, moving right along -- let's go to our second question. Tiffany!

(Pause. Tiffany picks up an index card and reads.)

TIFFANY: Issue Number Two. Not all girls are as fortunate as we are. How do you plan to help girls who can't afford to keep up with the latest trends? (Bt) Sandi?

(Cut to shot of the stage.)

SANDI: I'd organize an outreach program, where all of the best boutiques and department stores would donate the latest fashions to a clothing fair, and let the pathetically unfashionable make their selections.

AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhh...

(Again, Sandi smirks triumphantly.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) What do you have to say to that, my fairest Quinn?

(Quinn appears unfazed.)

QUINN: An outreach program is a good idea. But why make the stores drag their clothes out to a silly fair, which would probably just ruin them, anyway? (Bt) I propose we give poor students discounts to all the major clothing stores, so they can get individual attention and be spared the humiliation of squeezing into Size Three jeans in public.

AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

UPCHUCK: (off screen) She makes a good point!

(Sandi glares, while Quinn smirks triumphantly.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) But can you top her on the next question, Sandralaaah? Let's -- (interrupted by the sound of male voices chanting Quinn's name.)

(Cut to shot of the audience. All of Quinn's guys are pumping their fists.)

GUYS: Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn...!!!

(Meanwhile, Daria and Jane look on, wearing deadpan expressions.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) Oh my! Ohhhhhh, my! Someone's getting appreciated today!

(Brittany gathers the cheerleaders together and they do a cheer.)

CHEERLEADERS: Take it to the left! Take it to the right! Go on girl, you're hot! Fight, fight, fight!!! (Bt) Go on, baby, red hot... go on, baby, red hot.....

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. Someone is getting appreciated.

JANE: And she knows it. Look at her.

(Cut to close-up of Quinn. She's wearing a serene, blissful smirk.)

QUINN: (thought voice-over) Advantage: Quinn.

(She looks out at the audience. Suddenly her face takes on a stunned expression. cut to Quinn's POV. The audience looks pretty fuzzy, but in the foreground we can see Angie, one of the cheerleaders from "Daria Dance Party," wearing glasses. resume close-up of Quinn. She's so focused on the glasses, she fails to realize that the cheer has died down and that Stacy is asking the third question. Silence. Then: )

UPCHUCK: (off screen) Oh Qui-inn!

(Quinn shakes her head, startled.)

QUINN: Huh?

UPCHUCK: (off screen) You're up first, this time.

(Pause)

QUINN: (suddenly less confident) Um, could you repeat the question?

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (hallway, after the debate)

(Shot of Angie chatting with some of the other cheerleaders. By now, the crowd that watched the debate has nearly dispersed. Suddenly, from off screen: )

QUINN: Angie! Could I talk to you for a second??

(Angie turns, her face brightening.)

ANGIE: Sure, Quinn.

(She walks over to her. Meanwhile, Quinn's looking agitated.)

ANGIE: We all thought you did a great job. You really showed up Sandi.

QUINN: (barely absorbing the compliment) Yeah, thanks. (Bt) Um, I was just noticing that you wear glasses now.

ANGIE: Oh, yeah. But not forever -- just 'til my new contacts are ready.

(Beat)

QUINN: Oh. And the other cheerleaders don't mind?

ANGIE: Mind? Why should they?

QUINN: Well, 'cause you look like a geek.

(Beat)

ANGIE: A geek?! (looks a bit ticked)

(Quinn makes an "Ix-nay" gesture.)

QUINN: Hey listen, I'm not saying you do. (Bt) But, um, don't the other cheerleaders think so?

ANGIE: Not that I know of. (Bt) I haven't gotten any smarter from wearing these things.

QUINN: Well have they said anything?

ANGIE: No. (Bt. shrugs) They treat me the same as they always do.

(Pause)

QUINN: (subdued) Oh.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Ms. Barch's science class)

(Close-up shot of Quinn, head in hand, wearing a thoughtful expression. She's completely oblivious to what Barch is saying.)

BARCH: (off screen) Because I know you testosterone-gushing, hormone-raging males would rather watch something being blown to shreds, I'm gonna make you watch the "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest" video. May you rot in hell.

(The lights go out, shocking Quinn out of her reverie.)

QUINN: Hgh. (blinks disconcertedly, jerks her head around)

(Suddenly we hear Disney-type music coming from the front of the room. Quinn stares straight ahead -- her eyes widen, then narrow, in a desperate attempt to see. We hear a male narrator speaking.)

NARRATOR: (cheery off screen voice-over) Look at little Nub-nub. Isn't she cute? Nub-nub is one of many baby deer born in the forest every spring.

QUINN: Hgh. (Bt) Cute baby animals??

(She tries even harder to see. cut to her POV -- because she's sitting toward the back of the room, everything's a blur. resume close-up of Quinn.)

NARRATOR: (off screen) Nub-nub loves to play with Pokey and Tickly-wickly, and all of her other animal friends. And we'll get to meet each and every one of them.

QUINN: (sound of moaning) Uuuuuuuughhh...

(She slumps forward in her seat, her elbows on her desk. For several seconds, as the video drones on, she does nothing. Then, slowly, her eyes trail toward her purse on the floor. Pause. Slowly, Quinn reaches down toward it. Pause. We see her open it, then, slowly, start to lift out a black case. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Andrea's house, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Daria's walking slowly down the sidewalk. She stops and turns to look at the house, in such a way that her back is to us. Her body language tells us she's doubtful about whether she got the address right. Nothing on the outside screams "Andrea." The house is one story and on the small side, but looks extremely well-maintained. The paint job is neat, the hedges look trimmed, and there's even a bed of flowers next to the porch. Suddenly we see the front door slowly open. cut to close-up. From the inside, we see a face peeping out -- unmistakably Andrea's. Then, like a phantom, she turns and walks away, leaving the front door ajar. cut to shot of Daria. She shrugs her shoulders: now that Andrea's seen her, she has no choice but to go in. Starts walking up the walkway. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of a living room with open doorways on either end. From wall to wall, we see Jesus paraphernalia: paintings, plates, cushions, statues, clocks, et cetera. cut to close-up of Daria. She looks extremely confused -- maybe this is the wrong house. cut to her POV. We see a spiky-haired silhouette pause in front of the other doorway, then disappear. resume close-up of Daria.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Walk through heaven to get to hell. (Bt) Somehow that seems fitting.

(She shrugs, and walks across the room. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting in a black wicker chair, wearing a mystified expression as she gazes at her surroundings. cut to her POV. The lighting of the room is red, so the walls all look blood red. Andrea has black curtains over her windows, similar to the ones in Jane's room. Some Marilyn Manson posters cover her walls, along with a poster of T.S. Eliot and a few landscape paintings. Predictably, in one corner, we see a life-sized plastic human skeleton. resume close-up Daria.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Well at least I can't find any bomb-making materials.

(Just in case, she glances across the floor. Suddenly Andrea comes over to her and puts a stack of papers in her lap.)

ANDREA: (usual expressionless tone) You wanted my stuff. Here it is.

(Daria leafs through the pages. The light's so bad, she has to squint to see the writing on them.)

DARIA: Um, thanks. (Bt) I'd've brought my stuff, but your invitation was kind of spur of the moment.

(Andrea doesn't respond. She sits down on a black afghan on her bed, not far from Daria. Meanwhile, Daria's discovering she can't read the poetry worth a damn in the bad light. She decides to risk it and make conversation.)

DARIA: Um, nice room. Real twisted, like mine.

(Beat. No response. Daria feels like an idiot -- she's not used to being so forward, and it's weird to be with someone more passive than she.)

DARIA: (lamely) Um, nice house, too.

(Pause)

ANDREA: My mom's a born-again. (Bt) Thinks the church'll keep her sober. (shrugs a shoulder)

DARIA: Oh. (Bt) Are you into that stuff?

(Andrea looks at her.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Stupid question. (Bt. aloud) Um, I don't blame you. Organized religion does more to trample on the human spirit than to uplift it.

(Andrea doesn't respond. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Ugh. Just slap a big sign on my forehead that reads "trying too hard." (shakes her head, frustrated)

(Andrea pulls out two cigarettes and offers one to Daria.)

ANDREA: Cigarette?

(Daria puts a hand up.)

DARIA: No thanks. I don't smoke.

(Pause. Andrea looks at her.)

DARIA: (defensive) Hey, not smoking doesn't make me a conformist.

(Beat. Andrea continues to look.)

DARIA: Plenty of non-conformists don't smoke. (Bt) Especially since so many Hollywood celebrities have picked up the habit.

(Beat. Andrea looks slightly stunned.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Gotcha.

(She smirks, suddenly feeling more relaxed. Andrea's demeanor seems an eensy bit more accessible, too.)

DARIA: Um, so is this what you do after school? Hang around your room and write poetry?

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Most of the time.

(Beat)

DARIA: Yeah, me too. (Bt) It's a good way to escape from reality.

(Andrea nods vaguely.)

ANDREA: Or make your own.

(Beat)

DARIA: Um, yeah. (Pause. finds herself a bit uncomfortable with that statement. decides to skirt past it.) So, um, you said most of the time you're in here. What about the rest of the time?

(Beat)

ANDREA: I don't know. Sometimes I paint.

DARIA: You do?

(Andrea points to the landscape paintings. Daria looks at them, and her eyes widen with amazement.)

DARIA: Those are yours?

(Beat)

ANDREA: Yeah.

DARIA: Wow, those are really good. (Bt) How'd you learn to do that?

(Beat)

ANDREA: I taught myself.

(Beat)

DARIA: Ever shown them to anyone?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Like who? Ms. Li?

DARIA: Um, no, I meant... Ms. Defoe, or someone connected to the art scene.

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: They wouldn't want my stuff.

DARIA: How do you know?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Because I tried entering the poster contest last year. No one would let me. [*] see "Arts 'N Crass"

(Pause)

DARIA: Oh. (Bt) But... I thought the contest was voluntary.

(Beat)

ANDREA: Yeah. But they didn't care. They thought I'd do something that'd embarrass the school.

(Beat. Daria's frowning.)

DARIA: Um, yeah. I understand. Too well. (Pause) But maybe if they saw your other stuff... (gestures at the paintings)

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

DARIA: I mean, don't hide yourself just 'cause some people are too closed-minded to accept you for who you are.

(Pause)

ANDREA: Maybe, but I don't really care anymore. I don't paint for other people.

(Pause)

DARIA: Um, yeah. Nor should you.

(Pause)

ANDREA: I figure they can do their thing if they'll let me do mine.

(Beat)

DARIA: (sober) Yeah.

(Andrea's words ring all-too true for her. In spite of their difficulties with communication, Daria suddenly feels a sort of connection with Andrea. The connection reminds her of their shared interest in poetry, and she glances down at the papers.)

DARIA: Hey, I was just thinking: it'd be better if we had both of our poetry to look at. (Bt) So we could compare.

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

DARIA: So how 'bout coming over to my house, sometime?

(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs again.)

ANDREA: Okay.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the kitchen. Quinn's lounging on one of the stools by the counter, chatting on the cordless phone with Tiffany.)

QUINN: ... Y' know, it'll be really nice to have you guys over, away from all that election stuff.

TIFFANY: (from the receiver) Yeah.

QUINN: Sorry Sandi couldn't come. Who'd've thought it'd take an entire evening to wax your facial hair??

TIFFANY: Bummer.

QUINN: But the three of us'll have fun. (Bt) We could pop some no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat free popcorn, give each other makeovers... (Bt. faux nonchalant) And I have some stuff in my closet that I kind of want to get rid of, if you and Stacy are interested.

TIFFANY: Sure.

(Beat)

QUINN: Hey, Tiffany, I was just thinking: Sandi's got a lot of influence at school, doesn't she?

TIFFANY: Yeah.

QUINN: As much as me??!

TIFFANY: Oh, no way.

QUINN: Good. (Bt. slightly worried) But gosh, um, you sounded kind of quiet a second ago. Anything wrong?

TIFFANY: Oh no.

QUINN: That's good. (Bt) So you'll be over soon?

TIFFANY: Definitely.

QUINN: Great. See ya then. (hangs up the phone)

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake sitting on the couches in the living room, doing their usual work/ newspaper-reading. Quinn walks over to them.)

QUINN: Now when Stacy and Tiffany get here, you won't embarrass me by saying hello or anything, right??

JAKE: Of course not, sweetheart!

(Helen looks at him, a bit annoyed. Turns to Quinn.)

HELEN: Yes, we'll try to stay out of your way. (Bt. suspicious) You know, Quinn, if you don't mind my saying: your little get-together almost smells like back room dealing.

QUINN: So?

HELEN: (cocking a brow) Isn't that against the rules of good sportsmanship?

QUINN: (rationalizing) Maybe so, but Mo-om, I really want to beat Sandi. (Bt. crafty) She's kind of like my Laura Winters, and it'd be a shame if we lost to her twice, now, wouldn't it??

(Pause)

HELEN: (firm) Do whatever it takes to win, sweetheart.

QUINN: (triumphant) I will, Mom. (Bt. gets a worried look.) Um, Daria's not gonna be around to embarrass me, will she?

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: I think she's upstairs with Jane. (Bt) If you want her to stay out of your way, go ask her yourself.

(Quinn nods resolutely. Turns and leaves.)

(Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway. Quinn's just come from the stairs and is walking toward Daria's room.)

QUINN: (calling) Oh Daria?

(Suddenly she runs into Daria and Andrea, coming from the opposite direction. Quinn sees Andrea and cringes.)

QUINN: Agh!! (face gets a look of horror)

(Andrea regards her impassively, as does Daria.)

DARIA: Yes?

(long Pause. Quinn does her best to recover. Glares at Daria.)

QUINN: (through gritted teeth) Can I speak to you alone for a minute, please??

DARIA: (faux friendly) Well sure, sis. (looks at Andrea, rolls her eyes, then walks away with Quinn.)

(Cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria and Quinn walk in, stand in front of the sinks and mirror.)

QUINN: (resolute) Daria, my friends'll be over soon. You cannot have that freak here.

DARIA: (frowning) Hey. Andrea's my guest. She's got as much right to be here as your friends.

(Quinn quickly loses her composure.)

QUINN: Oh no she doesn't!!! I'm counting on tonight to win me the Fashion Club presidency, and if anything goes wrong --!

DARIA: (flatly) Look, don't worry. Andrea and I won't say or do anything to wreck your chances.

QUINN: You don't understand! Just by being here she could wreck my chances! If my friends see her --!

DARIA: What?! If your friends see her, what?!

(Beat)

QUINN: They might think she'll rub off on them or something. And then they'll blame me! (Bt) Look, it's bad enough I have to worry about them seeing you --

DARIA: (coldly) Ooh-hoo, your own sister. That is, if you had the guts to admit that's who I am.

QUINN: Oh quit being such a big baby about that! (Bt) Look, fine, if it's a matter of money, I'll pay --

DARIA: Forget it. Not interested.

QUINN: But Daria!

DARIA: N-O.

(Beat)

QUINN: Dammit, Daria! If you and your loser friend cost me this election --!

DARIA: (sarcastic) You may just have to go back to being vice-president. Aw gee.

(Beat. Quinn glares at her.)

DARIA: Or maybe you'll be forced to take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

QUINN: Huh? (thinks she means it literally, turns and looks at herself)

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: I mean maybe you'll finally realize that being Miss On-Top-of-the-World Fashion Club hotshot isn't you.

(Beat)

QUINN: (sullen) What're you talking about??

(Pause)

DARIA: (serious) Look, Quinn, I don't know how long you think you can fool people --

(As she says this, Quinn's face turns pale, as if she's remembering something.)

DARIA: -- I mean, you've managed to fool them for over a year about me. But sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the fact that you're vision-impaired, and acting like a big idiot trying to cover it up.

(Pause. Now Quinn's glaring at Daria through the mirror.)

DARIA: You're giving up a lot by not wearing your glasses. (Pause) Aren't you?

(Pause. Quinn stops glaring and looks downward, her brows furrowing.)

QUINN: Giving up what?? (Pause. turns to Daria, tosses her hands in the air.) Being a loser nerd with no friends??! (Bt) Look, I don't have time for this. I gotta get ready... (starts to leave)

(Daria cocks and eyelid.)

DARIA: Fine. (Bt) But could you answer me a question?

(Quinn pauses.)

QUINN: Yes?!

(Beat)

DARIA: What's the real reason you're bugged by me and Andrea? Is it 'cause we're freaks, or 'cause we make you scared you might be one?

(Pause)

QUINN: (flatly) That's a stupid question.

(She leaves without answering it. Daria cocks a resigned eyelid.)

(Cut to shot of the hallway. Quinn's stalking down it, head bowed, not paying attention to her surroundings. Suddenly she bumps into Andrea. Looks at her.)

QUINN: Aghhhhhhhhh!!! (runs away)

(Andrea watches her go. Shakes her head.)

ANDREA: Weird.

END OF ACT TWO

[Split screen of Sandi and Quinn smirking triumphantly at each other.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Those movie commercials where they interview "real" audience members after they've seen the show and give us their sound bites. Usually it's done for a romantic comedy or a Disney movie. Example: "Audiences across America are cheering [fill in the blank]!" Audience member #1 (with two kids in tow): "Best movie I've seen all year!" Her kids: "It was awesome!" Audience member #2 (a giggly teenager): "[fill in the blank] was so hot!" Their responses are so choreographed, you can all but see the cue cards they're reading from.

Men's hair commercials. I'm thinking especially of Hair Club for Men. It just creeps me out that some men would be so insecure about baldness, they'd have fake hair planted in their heads. Not real, not a hairpiece, but fake... shudder They actually think women would find that sexier than a bald spot?? 

And if I've offended any with the last commercial, I may offend still more with another set of commercials I dislike: the ones with the little Pepsi girl. Wait, let me explain: I think she's cute as hell, and I got a good laugh the first time I saw her lip-synch to the voices of older people. But by now, those commercials have been shown way too often, and where can you go with them after a while? 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ANDREA SPEAKS!

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, same day, same time)

(Shot of the outside.)

QUINN: (off screen voice-over) MOM!!! DAD!!!

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake on the couches. They look up from what they're doing, startled. We then see Quinn flying down the stairs, straight toward them.)

HELEN: Quinn, what on earth --?!

(Quinn comes up behind them.)

QUINN: (rushed, dramatic) Daria doesn't have Jane over, she's got that weird freaky girl over who looks like she's on drugs an' she's gonna make Daria take drugs!

(Helen and Jake's eyes widen. They look at Quinn.)

HELEN: Drugs?!

JAKE: Daria's gonna take drugs"?!!

QUINN: Well no... but she might! You gotta get that girl out of here -- my friends'll be here, soon!

HELEN: (briskly) Quinn, now calm down -- go upstairs and get ready. Dad and I will handle this.

(Quinn nods. As she's leaving, Helen and Jake huddle together conspiratorially.)

HELEN: My God, Jake, I can't believe this!

JAKE: I know! Oh Gahhhhd... Daria's going downhill right before our eyes!

HELEN: Now Jake, be reasonable. It hasn't come to that. At least not yet, anyway.

JAKE: But what're we gonna do??

HELEN: We'll just go right on upstairs and see this girl for ourselves. In all likelihood, she's probably very nice.

JAKE: That sounds good.

HELEN: (ominous) And if she's not, we'll give her the scare of her life.

JAKE: Both of us??

(Helen takes his hand.)

HELEN: Come on, Jake.

(They both stand up.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Daria's room)

(Shot of the inside. Andrea's sitting on the bed, surrounded by sheets and sheets of poetry. Daria walks over to the bad, clears a space, and sits down next to her.)

DARIA: Sorry about my sister. (grumble) The little twerp...

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: No problem. (Bt) She's interesting to watch. Kind of strange.

(Daria lets out a sharp chuckle.)

DARIA: Yeah, strange. (Bt. grumble) Strangely lucky to be alive.

(Andrea doesn't respond, but you could swear that underneath her impassive façade, she's smiling. Daria glances down at the sheets of paper.)

DARIA: So? Do my poems make the cut?

(Beat)

ANDREA: Sure, I guess. (Bt) They're a little on the tame side, though.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (sardonic) Really?

(Beat)

ANDREA: Yeah. (Bt) They're dark, but there's a line they won't cross.

DARIA: And your stuff does cross that line, I suppose. (glances at Andrea. smirks. admitting) Yeah, well, we can't all write about cheerleaders being tortured in hell with as much flair as you can. [*] see John Berry's "The Education of Dumber-Than-a-Tree"

ANDREA: That was one of my tame ones.

DARIA: So I gathered.

(Pause)

ANDREA: There was a poem you read in class that I thought kicked ass. It -- (interrupted by the sound of knocking.)

DARIA: (calling) Quinn, get lost!

(Cut to shot of the door. From off screen: )

HELEN: Daria? It's Mom. Could you open up, please?

JAKE: Yeah, kiddo! We wanna, um, meet your little friend.

(Beat. cut to shot of Daria and Andrea. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Good God. (Bt. to Andrea) Somehow I suspect there's no way out of this. Brace yourself.

(Andrea nods.)

DARIA: (to Helen and Jake) Come in.

(Sound of door opening and shutting. Helen and Jake approach them apprehensively, unable to take their eyes off of Andrea. They're straining to look friendly, but you can tell they don't quite know what to make of her. After a few seconds of silence: )

DARIA: (deadpan) Let me save you the trouble. Mom and Dad, this is Andrea. Andrea, these are the people responsible for subjecting me to life on this planet.

(Helen and Jake chuckle uneasily.)

HELEN: Oh now, Daria, don't be silly! (Pause. in a way too cheery tone) Well, Andrea, Mr. Morgendorffer and I have heard a lot about you.

(Andrea glances at Daria questioningly.)

DARIA: (to Helen. deadpan) Such as?

(Helen and Jake glance at each other, try to think of a way out of the lie.)

HELEN: Oh, well...

JAKE: There were so many things...

(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

HELEN: (gushy-cheery) But the point is (leans toward Andrea, so that she's almost right in her face.) we're always happy to see Daria bring home a new friend.

(Jake does a fist pump.)

JAKE: Darn right, we are!

(long Pause. Andrea regards them impassively. Helen and Jake both look at her, frown, then try to think of something else to say.)

HELEN & JAKE: Ummm....

(Finally Helen comes up with something.)

HELEN: So, um, how did you two meet?

JAKE: It wasn't at the "Rocky Horror Picture Show," was it?

(Pause. Helen glares at Jake. Daria rolls her eyes. Andrea appears unperturbed.)

DARIA: (slowly) We met at school.

JAKE: (mumbling) Oh. That was gonna be my next guess...

(Beat. Helen gives Jake a look that says, "Just don't talk anymore." Jake wilts, submits.)

HELEN: (to Andrea. cheery) School?? Why that sounds fascinating. Do you like school, Andrea?

(long Pause. Finally Andrea shrugs.)

DARIA: (deadpan) That means yes.

(Helen blinks, looking a little bewildered.)

HELEN: Oh! Good. School's an excellent place to expand your academic and social horizons. (Bt. glances at Daria) Daria here's managed to excel in the academics thus far --

JAKE: (playing backup singer) Darn right!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

HELEN: -- but now she can, um, do well in the social area, too. (Bt. looks at Andrea, still as though she doesn't know what to make of her.) So tell me, Andrea, do you take part in any school activities?

(long Pause. Finally Andrea shakes her head.)

HELEN: Oh...

(Beat)

DARIA: (sardonic) She thinks school activities waste time and are there to make the school look good.

JAKE: That's funny, kiddo, that's the same thing you --

(Helen slaps his arm.)

HELEN: Jake.

JAKE: (wincing) But I wasn't...

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Look, now that you all have met, why don't you two run along and leave me and Andrea to plot our hostile takeover of the town.

(Pause. Helen and Jake grow pale. Daria cocks an eyelid that says, "I'm kidding.")

HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh ho-ho, Daria! (Bt. rushed) But, um, now that I think about it, I do have some work I need to get back to.

JAKE: Me too!

HELEN: So perhaps we should just run along. (Bt) But it was very nice meeting you, Andrea. (Pause. puts a hand on her chest in a noble manner.) You know, Mr. Morgendorffer and I like to think of ourselves as two hip, open-minded parents who accept any moral, law-abiding, clean-cut friend their daughter brings home, no matter what her appearance or background may be like.

JAKE: Darn right!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Real subtle, you guys. (aloud) Yes, glad to hear it. Now would you leave us alone?

HELEN & JAKE: Of course, of course.

(Helen reaches over to shake Andrea's hand, then thinks better of it. Does a little wave, walks away. Jake does the same thing, follows. As soon as they're gone, Daria heaves a big sigh. Pause.)

ANDREA: Weird.

(Beat)

DARIA: (sardonic) I get the feeling you think my whole family should be carted off to the funny farm.

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: They make pretty interesting poetry subjects. (Pause) Like that one you wrote about your mom shrieking like a demon.

(Pause)

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Oh. You liked that one?

ANDREA: Kicked ass.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh. (Pause) So, um, then what is it about the rest of my stuff you find so boring?

(Beat)

ANDREA: Not boring. Just not over the edge.

(Beat)

DARIA: (frowning a bit) Could you explain?

(Pause)

ANDREA: You talk a lot about how screwed up people are and how messed up the world is. (Bt) Then you let everyone off the hook.

(Beat)

DARIA: (frowning. trying to comprehend) Off the hook? (Bt) As in suggest they could change, like for the better?

(Beat)

ANDREA: (nodding) Yeah.

(Beat)

DARIA: (sardonic) So unfettered optimism bothers you, does it?

(Pause)

ANDREA: I just think it's unrealistic. (Bt) But then again, I guess I can't blame you. Seeing as how you are.

DARIA: A conformist?

(Beat)

ANDREA: You like school. The teachers all like you. And --

DARIA: (defensive) Hey, I didn't ask to be put in the running for valedictorian.

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Maybe not. (Bt) But you're okay with going by the rules. (Bt) You and Lane.

(Beat. Daria's frowning, weighing Andrea's words.)

ANDREA: I mean, why else would you bother to get good grades?

(Beat)

DARIA: (sardonic) Maybe 'cause I enjoy challenging myself?

(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Could be. (Pause) But that's not the whole story. (Pause) You say you don't like people, but I think you do. You want to please other people.

(Pause. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (sarcastic) Wow, you really have my number down. (Bt) So a few days of watching me and a stack of poems told you that??

(Beat)

ANDREA: I've watched you before. Just not all at one time.

(Pause. Daria blinks, surprised.)

DARIA: You have?? (Bt) What, do you make it your business to watch everyone at school??

(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Pretty much. (Pause) What else is there for me to do?

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Well, you've said it yourself: why even care? (Bt) Why not just do your own thing and to hell with other people?

(Pause)

ANDREA: I don't know why. (Pause) It's weird, but sometimes I've wanted to be more like you and Lane.

(Beat)

DARIA: Really?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Yeah. But then I think: why take the risk? It always seems to go the same way: one minute people are there for you. The next, they let you down.

(As she says this, Daria's expression changes from peevish to sort of pitying. She looks at Andrea, not knowing how to respond.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (hallway at school, a couple days later)

(Close-up shot of Daria putting stuff in her locker, a thoughtful expression on her face. Suddenly, from off screen: )

JANE: It's the mystery girl!

DARIA: Huh??

(Cut to wider shot. Jane's approaching Daria, a wry expression on her face.)

JANE: What's your name again?? Wait, wait, no, let me guess. (Bt) It's... Daria -- right??

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. And you are?

JANE: Very funny. (Bt) So would you mind telling me what you've been up to the past few days?

DARIA: What d' you mean?

JANE: Can the innocent routine. (Bt) You've been, like, totally secretive. I mean I feel like I haven't even seen you at all.

(Beat. Daria looks down.)

DARIA: Oh. Um, well I --

JANE: Daria, you haven't joined a cult, now, have you? (Bt) C' mon, you can tell ol' Jane.

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes again.)

DARIA: Okay, you got me. (Pause. sighs, decides to level with Jane.) Actually, I, um, wasn't gonna say anything, but...

JANE: But?

DARIA: (uncomfortable) The reason you haven't seen me is 'cause... I've been hanging out with someone else.

(Beat)

JANE: (neutral tone) Oh really? Who?

(Beat)

DARIA: (mumbling) Um, Andrea.

(Beat)

JANE: Oh.

(Beat)

DARIA: (pacifying) Look, I just wanted to see what she was like. We've only hung out a couple of times.

(Beat. Jane's expression is still neutral.)

JANE: Uh-huh.

(Beat)

DARIA: And I was, um, afraid to tell you 'cause I didn't want... well, I thought (reddens a bit) you'd be mad at me and maybe... not want to be friends anymore. (Bt) I'm sorry.

(Pause. Jane looks sort of surprised.)

JANE: Not want to be friends? 'Cause you hung out with someone else for a few days? (Bt. smirks) Geez, Daria, give me some credit.

(Daria looks at her, startled.)

DARIA: So you're not mad??

JANE: Why should I be? It's your right to hang out with whoever you want.

DARIA: Whoa, that's a relief. (Bt) I mean, I knew you didn't like Andrea, so --

JANE: Not like Andrea? Did I say that??

DARIA: Not in so many words.

(Pause. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Well hey, if I gave you that impression, I'm sorry. Force of habit.

DARIA: That's okay.

(Beat)

JANE: (lowering her voice) So what was it like? Hanging out with her?

DARIA: (deadpan) She scares my parents. And she almost nixed Quinn's chances of becoming president of the Fashion Club.

JANE: Whoa. Did she really??

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: No. (Bt) After an evening of arm-twisting, the little weasel's got this election in the bag. Nothing can stop her.

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Same old, same old. (Bt. pointed) But so Daria, tell me: what's Andrea really like?

(Pause. Daria sighs.)

DARIA: She's nice. (Bt) Not much different from you or me, really.

JANE: You don't say.

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Except for the fact that she puts up walls about a mile thick.

JANE: Wow. Thicker than your walls??

(Daria nods.)

DARIA: Hard to believe, but I think so. (Bt) It'd take a jackhammer to get through to her soft inside.

(Beat. Jane raises an eyebrow in disbelief.)

DARIA: (continuing) I've only been with her twice, and already I'm exhausted. (Bt) I'm not that bad, am I??

(Beat. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Naw... it'd only take a run-of-the-mill sledgehammer to get to your softer side.

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Thanks. (Bt) You know, I'm not ready to give up on Andrea, but I gotta say: it's great talking to someone without experiencing a technical delay.

JANE: Happy to be of service. (Bt) But as a friend, could you do me a favor?

DARIA: Yeah?

JANE: Next time you spend time with someone else, could you at least tell me? (Bt) I was starting to think you'd gone the way of Howard Hughes.

DARIA: Sure.

(They both turn away from their lockers. Suddenly we see Andrea standing a distance away, doing her usual staring. She then turns and walks away. Daria looks at Jane, stunned.)

DARIA: Damn! You don't think...?

(Jane raises a brow and nods.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (an empty classroom)

(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany sitting at desks in the middle of the room. Quinn's just entered and is coming over to meet them.)

QUINN: (chipper) Too bad this debate's in private. We won't get to show the whole school what we're about.

(She sits down next to Sandi, who seems oddly triumphant. Stacy and Tiffany are seated in front of them. Stacy's her usual self, while Tiffany seems quiet, even for her.)

SANDI: I just didn't want to humiliate you in public.

QUINN: (faux graciousness) Oh Sandi, that's so thoughtful of you. But you couldn't humiliate me.

(Sandi doesn't reply. Smirks malevolently. Finally she looks at Stacy.)

SANDI: Stacy, why don't you start by announcing the rules?

STACY: Okay. (Pause. reading from an index card.) This is the second and final debate of the Fashion Club elections. The same format applies as in our previous debate. When you have finished speaking, Tiffany and I will weigh your remarks and cast our votes tomorrow.

(Sandi and Quinn both nod.)

SANDI: Very good. (Bt. looks pointedly at Tiffany.) Now Tiffany, why don't you ask the first question?

(Pause. Tiffany's face is expressionless as she picks up an index card and reads it slowly.)

TIFFANY: Issue number One: (Pause) What do you plan to do if people discover you've committed past violations of the Fashion Club rules? (Bt) Quinn?

(Pause. Stacy glances at Tiffany, confused. Quinn grows pale.)

QUINN: (a bit nervous) What kind of question is that??

SANDI: (smirking) One that I think you can answer. (Bt) Nerd-girl.

(Quinn looks at her speechlessly, then at Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy looks shocked, Tiffany remorseful.)

STACY: What're you talking about, Sandi?

(Sandi glances at her, then cocks an eyebrow at Quinn.)

SANDI: A source in Ms. Barch's class told me she saw you wearing glasses not long ago.

(Stacy gasps. Quinn reddens, lowers her face.)

QUINN: (to Sandi) But how do you --?!

SANDI: Save it, Quinn. She gave me proof -- which I'd be happy to produce if I must.

(Pause. Quinn closes her eyes, her face taking on an expression of defeat.)

STACY: (to Quinn. shock, wonder) So you mean your eyes weren't screwed up by the eye drops your doctor gave you? (Bt) You really can't see well? [*] see Quinn's excuse for wearing glasses in "Rose-Colored Lenses"

SANDI: I'll say she can't.

(Pause. Then Quinn looks at them, defiant.)

QUINN: All right, all right, so it's true. I wear glasses. But so what?! (Bt) I'm not the first attractive and popular person to wear them. (Pause) I thought, if other girls could, why not me??

(Beat)

SANDI: (megabitch. no-nonsense) Quinn, we are a fashion club --

QUINN: (peevish) But you once said the Fashion Club could tolerate diversity! (Bt. grumble) That is, before you dumped me...

(Beat)

STACY: Yeah, Sandi, maybe --

SANDI: (ignoring her) Quinn, the main issue here isn't about you being a four-eyed loser. (Bt) It's about you telling lies. And fashion-related ones at that.

(Pause. Quinn wilts a little.)

SANDI: (faux moral) If you lied once, how can we trust you not to lie again? How do we know the next time you tell Stacy her new platform sandals coordinate well with her violet halter top, you really mean it??

(Pause. Now Stacy looks at Quinn with a vaguely disappointed, betrayed expression.)

SANDI: Or that Tiffany's outfits really don't make her look fat?

(Pause. Tiffany looks at Quinn with a peevish expression.)

SANDI: And besides, fashion lies are strictly forbidden by our charter. And if you don't believe me, go look for yourself.

(Pause. Quinn's head is still bowed, eyes downcast.)

SANDI: (sober) And so, I think it would be in the best interest of the Fashion Club if you...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. We hear Quinn's voice-over: )

QUINN: THEY MADE ME RESIGN!!!!!

(Cut to shot of the living room. Quinn is sprawled across the center couch on her stomach, sobbing into a pillow. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane sit on the right hand couch, watching her with impassive expressions.)

QUINN: Oh God, oh God, oh God!!! I was so close, an' now I have nothing!! My life is over.... (moans, buries her face in the pillow, and heaves a sob.)

(Pause)

DARIA: (deadpan) So let me get this straight: you blew your whole cover to watch "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest"?

(Beat. Quinn lifts her tear-stained face and looks at Daria.)

QUINN: But they were cute! Cute animals!! You can see the pressure I was under! (heaves another sob)

DARIA: Uh-huh.

QUINN: Besides, it was dark! I didn't think anyone could see me!

(Pause)

DARIA: You couldn't've just moved up a few rows to watch?

(Pause. Quinn stops crying. She looks at Daria with a murderous expression. Jane wisely decides to intervene.)

JANE: (pacifying. philosophical) Well hey, it's all in the past now, anyway. What's done is done.

DARIA: Right. It's time to move on.

(Beat)

QUINN: (whiny) But I can't move on!! The Fashion Club means everything to me!! (heaves a sob. sniffles.) I won't go without a fight, I tell you! I won't!!!

(Beat)

JANE: Well then how 'bout this: go study your club charter. There's gotta be a tax-shelter style loophole you could squeeze through to stay in.

(Pause. Quinn sniffles, considers.)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Or, here's another idea. Just accept defeat and try something new. Now that you've been outed about your glasses --

QUINN: (becoming enraged) Are you saying I should start wearing them and come to school looking like a bug-eyed geek?!! No way! That's a stupid idea!!

(Daria purses her lips together and rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (to Jane) Y' know, I think I will have a look at the charter tomorrow. (sniffles. touches a hand to her face. gets a look of horror.) Agh!!! I'm all puffy! I gotta go soak my skin... (quickly jumps off the couch and leaves)

(Pause)

DARIA: You know it's weird, but I actually feel sorry for her.

(Bt. Jane frowns.)

JANE: Yeah.

DARIA: Maybe the stuff Andrea said about me was true.

JANE: What stuff?

DARIA: She told me that I liked people. That I cared about their opinions.

(Jane chuckles, rolls her eyes.)

JANE: You? (Bt) Wow. You sure she wasn't on something when she said that??

(Daria also rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: No. She wasn't. (Bt) She was actually making a lot of sense -- more than I was willing to give credit to at the time...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (hallway at school, the next afternoon)

(Shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. Quinn walks over to them, shoulders sagging. They look at her.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Hey.

(Quinn doesn't respond -- her body language pretty much says it all.)

JANE: So no luck with the charter, huh?

(Quinn shakes her head.)

QUINN: (deflated) I couldn't find anything. There weren't any rules that would let me back in.

(Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: (sympathetic) Well, you gave it your best shot. (Bt) What did your friends have to say?

(Beat)

QUINN: (sullen) What friends?

(Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) Well, look, maybe your old friends've deserted you, but that doesn't mean you can't make new ones.

(Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)

QUINN: (exasperated) Like who?!

(Pause)

BRITTANY: (off screen) Oh Qui-inn!

(Quinn, Daria, and Jane turn to look.)

JANE: Hey, how 'bout like them?

(As if on cue, Brittany, Kevin, Jodie, and Mack walk on screen and gather around Quinn. She stares at them, bewildered.)

QUINN: Hi, you guys. What're you doing here??

BRITTANY: (spacey cheerful) We came to cheer you up!

JODIE: Yeah, Daria told us what happened.

QUINN: She did?? (turns to look at her. Daria shrugs a "don't mention it.")

JODIE: That was a really mean thing Sandi did to you.

MACK: Yeah. Just 'cause you wear glasses? Who cares??

DARIA: (wry) I've managed to scrape by.

KEVIN: (to Quinn. goofy cheerful) Yeah. You probably don't look like that much of a nerd in 'em!

(Pause. Quinn wilts. Everyone else glares at Kevin.)

BRITTANY: Kevin!

(Pause)

MACK: (wry) Sorry, Quinn. That was just the best way he could think of to say you probably look okay.

JODIE: Not just okay. Probably pretty good.

(Pause)

QUINN: (faint gratitude) Thanks. (Pause. sighs) But that doesn't help me much.

DARIA: She just found out the Fashion Club charter is air-tight.

JANE: Which means she can't get back in.

JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY: Aw, too bad/ We're sorry.

(Beat)

JODIE: Well what if you formed another fashion club?

QUINN: (incredulous) Two fashion clubs?

JODIE: Yeah. I bet girls would rather be in a club with you than with Sandi.

(Pause. For a minute Quinn's face brightens at the thought. Then she wilts again.)

QUINN: Yeah, right. After it gets out all over school that I wear glasses and that I lied...

(Beat)

MACK: You know, I get the impression you don't think you look good in glasses.

QUINN: Yeah?? So??

MACK: Well how 'bout letting us be the judge?

JODIE: Yeah. Let's see what they look like on you.

BRITTANY & KEVIN: Yeah!

(Pause. For several seconds, Quinn just stands there, staring at them dejectedly. Finally, she tosses up her hands.)

QUINN: All right, fine.

(She reaches into her purse. Daria and Jane glance at each other expectantly. Quinn takes out the black case, opens it, takes out the glasses and holds them up for everyone to see.)

JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY: Oh!/ Nice!/ Cool!

(Then, peevishly, Quinn puts them on and slumps against a locker.)

JODIE: Hey, you look good!

MACK: You really do!

BRITTANY: Yeah!

KEVIN: Yeah -- not too weird!

(The others glance at him and frown.)

JODIE: Quinn, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

(Pause. Quinn's face brightens for a fleeting moment. Then: )

QUINN: (deflated. resigned) Thanks.

(Beat)

MACK: So are you gonna wear them from now on?

(Pause. Quinn sighs and shrugs.)

QUINN: I might as well. (Pause) There's no reason for me not to.

(Pause. Daria smirks with rare sisterly pride.)

QUINN: I guess I have to get used to the fact that I'll be spending the rest of eternity as a geek.

(Daria glances at Jane, rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (wry) Stop me before I burst out crying.

JANE: Aw, you old softy... (suddenly sees that Daria's frowning and looking off screen.) Hey, what's wrong?

(Cut to their POV. We see Andrea staring at them. She turns and leaves. resume previous shot of Daria and Jane.)

DARIA: (to Jane. rushed) Hold that feel-good moment. (Bt) I'll be right back. (she quickly leaves.)

(Cut to shot of Andrea, walking in a blase´ fashion. Daria comes up quickly behind her.)

DARIA: Andrea!

(Andrea stops. Slowly turns to look at Daria, her face impassive. Daria stands across from her.)

DARIA: I've been trying to get a hold of you all day.

(Pause. Andrea shrugs. Daria frowns.)

DARIA: (peevish) Don't tell me we're back to Square One.

(Pause)

DARIA: Oh. I guess we are. (Pause) Look, Andrea, whatever you heard, I just want to let you know: I think you're a good person. (Bt) Okay?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Sure.

(Pause)

DARIA: And, um, maybe we could hang out again sometime.

(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)

ANDREA: Whatever.

(Pause. Daria rolls her eyes, realizing that Andrea's indifference means they probably won't hang out again.)

DARIA: And I also wanted to let you know that I agree with what you said about me.

(Pause)

DARIA: Okay, I'll admit it: I do hold a grudging faith in human redemption. I don't believe all hope is lost.

(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)

DARIA: And you know something? I'm fine with that. It's what gets me through life on this screwed-up planet without reaching for a noose.

(Pause)

DARIA: I mean, hey, look at my sister. She's finally learning to embrace her status as a four-eyes. (Bt) Maybe it'll mellow her out, and she'll see there's more to life than being good-looking and popular.

(Pause)

DARIA: And if she can redeem herself, anyone can.

(long Pause. Daria waits expectantly, then finally turns to leave. As she's doing so: )

ANDREA: Your sister?

(Pause. Daria turns to look at her.)

DARIA: Yeah?

(Pause)

ANDREA: Redeem herself? (Bt) I wouldn't bet on it.

(Pause. Daria frowns darkly.)

DARIA: You don't think so??

(Pause)

ANDREA: I know so.

(She turns and walks away, leaving Daria to stand and frown after her.)

(Cut back to shot of Quinn, Jane, and the rest. Quinn's still slumped against a locker. Suddenly Jane glances at her armband watch.)

JANE: Whoa! Gotta go -- late for class. (reaches over and pats Quinn lightly on the arm. Quinn's so dejected, she doesn't even cringe.) I'll see ya later.

(Quinn glances at her and nods as she leaves. Jodie then looks at her watch.)

JODIE: Yeah, we gotta go, too. (Bt) Take care of yourself, Quinn.

MACK: Yeah, bye. (they wave, leave.)

(Brittany and Kevin are left. Brittany turns to Kevin.)

BRITTANY: Kevvy, why don't you go on ahead? I wanna talk to Quinn alone for a minute.

(Beat)

KEVIN: (confused) Walk to class? By myself??

BRITTANY: Aw, you can do it, Kevvy. Remember -- we practiced the way?

(Kevin scratches his head. Then his face brightens.)

KEVIN: Oh yeah!

BRITTANY: Now just follow all the markers real carefully.

KEVIN: I gotcha babe. (he waves, leaves.)

(Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany.)

QUINN: (straining to be patient) What d' you want, Brittany?

(Pause. Brittany stands there, twirling a lock of hair, looking like she's not sure what to say. Quinn's impatience grows -- she frowns.)

BRITTANY: Uhhhm...

QUINN: Yes??

(Beat)

BRITTANY: (hesitant) Um, Quinn... I was just thinking: now that you're no longer in the Fashion Club, you've got a lot of free time 'n stuff, don't you?

QUINN: (exasperated) Thanks for reminding me.

(Beat)

BRITTANY: Well... um... remember how when you first got here, you said you might join the pep squad??

QUINN: Vaguely.

BRITTANY: Well... so, um... how'd you like to go out for cheerleading??

(Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany, stunned.)

QUINN: Me? (Bt) A cheerleader?? (Bt) But I don't know anything about that stuff.

BRITTANY: Oh that's okay. (Bt) I could teach you.

QUINN: But there're probably lots of girls who'd be better at it than I would. And besides -- cheerleaders sweat. (shudders a little)

(Pause. Brittany looks disappointed.)

BRITTANY: Oh. Sorry you feel that way. (Bt) 'Cause if you had wanted to join, we'd've just put you on.

(Beat)

QUINN: You would?

BRITTANY: Yeah. I'd've sponsored you. And 'cause I'm head cheerleader, you wouldn't've even had to try out.

(Pause. She shrugs and turns to leave. Quinn's face suddenly takes on a calculating look.)

QUINN: (thoughtful) Head cheerleader, you say?

(Brittany turns back to look at her.)

BRITTANY: Yeah.

(Pause. Quinn's face brightens with a wicked smirk.)

QUINN: You know something, Brittany? I change my mind.

(Brittany's face lights up and she clasps her hands together.)

BRITTANY: You do??

QUINN: Yeah. (Bt) I think I will go out for cheerleading.

(Brittany bounces up and down.)

BRITTANY: Ooooh, goody!!! I just know all the other cheerleaders would love to have you on our team!

QUINN: And I'd love to be on it with them. (Bt. smirk deepens.) Nothing would make me happier than to be a part of the cheerleading family....

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (school)

(Shot of the outside. Superimposed , in bold writing: One Week Later.)

BRITTANY: (off screen voice-over) Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. They gaze off screen, bewildered.)

KEVIN: (off screen) Babe! Hey, babe, what's up??

BRITTANY: Uuuuuuughhhhhhhh!!!

(Daria and Jane look at each other.)

DARIA: Uh-oh.

JANE: (hushed) Just stand still and try to blend in with the lockers. Maybe she won't notice us.

(No such luck. Brittany heads straight for Daria, gets in her face. Kevin follows.)

BRITTANY: (to Daria) What's up?! What's UP?!!! Oooooooh!!! As if you didn't know!!!

(She says "know" with her famous squeak, so loud and piercing, it causes Daria to cringe.)

JANE: (answering for her. cringing a bit, also) Know what?

BRITTANY: (to Daria) I did something nice for your stupid sister! I let her join the cheerleading team!!!

DARIA: (partially recovered) And?

BRITTANY: And today, they held an election --

(At "election," Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

BRITTANY: -- an' made her head cheerleader! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeap!!!

(Pause. Daria and Jane both cringe.)

JANE: Head cheerleader?

DARIA: Quinn??

BRITTANY: Yes! The little traitor!!! (Bt) Well I told them fine! You can have your new head cheerleader! Then I quit!!!

(Pause)

KEVIN: Whoa, babe.

(Pause)

DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah -- whoa. (Bt. shakes her head) I can't believe this.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) I guess some things never change.

(Suddenly, from off screen, Quinn appears. She's dressed in a cheerleader's uniform, wearing her glasses and a satisfied smirk.)

QUINN: (to Brittany. faux consoling) Oh Brittany, we wish you'd come back to the team. Cheerleading wouldn't be the same without you.

(Pause. Brittany looks at Quinn. Her face crumbles.)

BRITTANY: Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!! (runs off screen)

KEVIN: Baaaaaaabe! (runs after her)

(Pause. Quinn watches them go, shakes her head. Daria and Jane both frown at her.)

DARIA: (slowly. deadpan) So, Miss Head Cheerleader?

QUINN: (chipper) Yes?

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) I don't suppose before this election, you practiced any back room dealing, now, did you??

QUINN: Daria, why on earth would you say a thing like that?? (Bt) They chose me 'cause I was the best person for the job. (Bt) Anyway, I'd love to stay an' chat, but I have to go. Gotta find out whether Lawndale's spelled with an I or not... (leaves)

(Pause. Daria watches her go, then slowly shakes her head.)

DARIA: (to Jane. defeated) You're right -- some things do never change.

(Jane nods. Daria glances away, suddenly sees something off screen. cut to her POV. We see Andrea -- she's watched this entire scene. Turns and leaves. cut to close-up of Daria. She slaps a hand to her forehead.)

DARIA: Oh crap!

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

Ei-yi-yi! This fanfic has broken several records. One is length -- it now usurps the throne of "The Tie That Chokes" as my longest fanfic. Another is difficulty... I thought "That Thing You Say" would be my all-time most challenging, but this one's just beaten it out. The reason is that this fanfic is the first where I've dealt with parallel plot lines, as opposed to plot/subplot. I really wanted each plot line to be fully fleshed out, yet well-integrated with the other. I think I've succeeded... I hope...

I was really happy to have the chance to write an episode where Daria hangs out with Andrea. For the past 2.5 seasons, it's bothered me to no end that neither Daria nor Jane has shown any interest in her. They're supposed to be drawn to the dark side, and who's darker than Andrea?? I could see them both thinking that she's got her own clique, and is therefore off-limits, but to show no interest in her? Too hard to swallow.

I conceived the plot line for this episode before the Columbine massacre, so that's why you'll find no probing look at Goth culture, et cetera. Frankly, I'm glad I didn't go in that direction... Goths have undeservedly gotten enough grief for Columbine. I had originally considered a plot line where Daria and Jane hang out with Andrea, and Andrea introduces them to the underground Goth society of Lawndale High, but soon dropped it because it seemed too problematic. I don't know anything about Goth culture, and wouldn't want to misrepresent it. Also, it's hard to know if Andrea even belongs to a "society," since we always see her alone.

The most difficult thing about writing this fic was fleshing out Andrea's character. It is so open to interpretation, since, as Daria said, "we know nothing about her." She could be assertive, as she was in Michelle Klein-Häss' "Clothes Make the Manson," or she could be hyper-passive, as I rendered her. I chose to make her passive because I thought it'd be cool to have Daria thrown off-guard by someone more passive and alienated than she. That's 'cause, in many ways, I agree with Andrea: Daria's not a true outcast. We don't see her getting shunned or taunted or abused. Her worst enemy at Lawndale High is Quinn.

The Daria/Andrea scenes were extremely difficult, because I had to figure out how to move them along without having Daria become uncharacteristically assertive. I tried to make her more forward than she would normally be, but not out of reasonable bounds.

Now on to the other major subject in this fic: Quinn's glasses. Yep, she's finally been outed. One thing I'd worried about before and while writing this was that I'd outed her too soon. It's true, I could have extended her dodge for several more episodes. But I was afraid that if I did, I'd make some stupid mistake, like have Quinn stare across an open field and see someone hundreds of yards away. I thought: better "resolve" this early than leave it 'til later. However, as you may have learned by now from reading my other fics, nothing is ever truly resolved. We may see Quinn wearing glasses, but that doesn't mean that she accepts them or is comfortable with herself as a "four-eyes." These issues will get looked at in my follow-up to this episode, where we'll witness Quinn's misadventures as Lawndale High's new head cheerleader.

I realize that by putting Quinn in this position, I've deviated quite a bit from the "norm," and I ought now to explain that it will remain this way for the next several episodes. Part of writing these fics, for me, is the pleasure of getting to see our fave characters in new roles... and damn, I think it'd be really fun to see/write Quinn as a cheerleader! Of course, I must emphasize that while deviating from the norm, I will work to maintain the characters' basic personalities, and that these deviations will never be so great that I can't revert things pretty much back to how they are on the show.

Now, points of interest...

Sandi: Recently I read an essay by Austin Covello which wisely pointed out that Sandi is not the great bitch we all are accustomed to think of her as. It's true: she's not mean to Quinn every chance she gets. Case in point: in "Depth Takes a Holiday," when Quinn's worrying about her parents having a baby, Sandi advises her not to lose sleep over it, or else it'll ruin her looks. Then, when Quinn does lose sleep and comes to the F.C. meeting all ragged, Sandi makes her take a "sabbatical," rather than use it as an excuse to oust her. Okay, so many (myself included), don't consider DTAH to be a true episode. But let's also recall "Quinn the Brain": there, Quinn commits some major fashion faux pas. Yet again, rather than oust her, Sandi tries to enlist Daria's help to show Quinn the error of her ways.

One thing I think we tend to forget is that if Sandi is at all "megabitchy," a lot of it has to do with her perception of Quinn as a real threat to her power. And Quinn is a real threat; she can be pretty conniving when she wants to be, as we've seen in this fic. She's no innocent victim... and in some cases, she can even be as nasty as Sandi. Case in point: in "The Daria Hunter," when Sandi's running out toward the buses at the end, Quinn just turns her back on her. Great friend, that girl...

Thus, you see Sandi bitchy in my fic, but that doesn't mean I think of her as a hyper-bitch. I just see her as a popular snob who's finally met her match...

Jane and Daria's friendship: If it seems as though I only lightly touched upon any possible tension between them, it's because I'm building up to something. It makes sense that they'd both get tired of hanging out with just each other after a while, and it felt good to have Daria, for once, make the first move to hang out with someone else.

Now... on to the games...........!!!

In my last postscript, I asked which of my fics had the most made up characters. The question's sort of tricky, since made up characters might have very small roles. Luckily, this time, C.E. Forman answered my call right away and prevented me from having to make another distressed plea for someone play the game.

He said, rightly so, that "'Shipped Out" had the most made up characters: two. "Rose-Colored Lenses" had one made up character -- the receptionist at the optometrist's office. "The Tie That Chokes" had one -- Joel. "That Thing You Say" also had one -- Joel. Actually, there was one other made up character in that fic -- the clerk with the one-liner at the Mall of the Millennium -- but I don't count her as a true character. "'Shipped Out" had Barry, Daria's loser suitor (who may make a guest appearance in a future fanfic), and Denise, Trent's girlfriend (who probably won't). Kudos, C.E.! And in case you're wondering, I think there's only one made up character in this fic: Barry again.

Now on to the new game: it finally occurred to me that the most simple and lucrative game format would be trivia questions. I've decided, for this fic and maybe the next few, to confine the questions to one of my past fics; originally it was going to be several, but I realized that making you hunt through all of my past fics would not be a good idea. So for this game, these questions will address only scenes from "The Tie That Chokes."

What was Amy doing that prevented her from attending Erin's housewarming? 

What does Helen destroy (in Act I) after she gets a taste of Amy's chummy relationship with Daria? 

What's the subject of Helen's "lecture flashbacks"? 

When the Fashion Club first meets Amy (not when they first see Quinn), what gets them ticked off? 

What type of desert does Upchuck get a face-full of after he hits on Amy? 

I would have made these multiple choice, but I was too brain-drained to come up with less-than-obvious choices. Hopefully these aren't too difficult. Otherwise, next time I will make them multiple choice...

Acknowledgements: Hmm, I didn't really use any outside sources, apart from the references I made to a couple of other fanfics. Who to thank??? I'd like to thank the Academy... my parents... my friends... my colleagues... you like me, you really like me! Okay, I'll stop. :-)

If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

Bleh, you've been an outstanding audience for sitting through this entire thing... thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All rights reserved. 


	6. Cheered Down

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the sixth fic in my chronology, and the follow-up to "Andrea Speaks!" It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," and "Andrea Speaks!" 

I'd give it a 2S... not quite as long as "Andrea Speaks!"

Er, I kind of exaggerated the rivalry between Brittany and Quinn in my Ten Spot Promo. I made it sound like it was going to be a campy "clash of the titans," or "Celebrity Death Match." In fact, the episode is fairly toned-down. It is about Brittany versus Quinn, but it's even more about Quinn versus Quinn....

So just sit back and.................... Enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: The woman talks into a mini tape-recorder, places the tape in an envelope, and puts the envelope on a bench. Then two guys jump for it, and I forgot the rest.....

[intro theme music...................]

CHEERED DOWN byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Shot of the outside. Off screen voice-over: )

CHEERLEADERS: WE HAVE THE SPIRIT, YEAH-YEAH!!! WE HAVE THE SPIRIT, YEAH-YEAH...!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria, Helen, and Jake sitting in the living room. Daria sits on the left hand couch, where she's been reading a book. She now lowers the book, a pained expression on her face. Helen and Jake, seated on the center couch, look up from what they've been doing. They, too, wear pained "Oh no!" expressions. We hear the sounds of pounding overhead, and the cheerleaders calling out.)

CHEERLEADERS: (off screen) WE'VE GOT STRENGTH, WE'VE GOT MIGHT, WE'RE THE TEAM WITH ALL THE FIGHT!!! GOOOOOO... LIONS!!!!!!! (Pause. then they launch into their cheer again.)

JAKE: Not again!

DARIA: (to Helen) So when should I bounce the Rah-rah sisters?

HELEN: (placating) Now, now, let's try to show some tolerance. They won't be here much longer.

DARIA: You've been saying that for over an hour.

JAKE: Yeah!

(Beat)

HELEN: (looking annoyed) Well sooner or later I'll be right, now, won't I? (Bt) Daria, if it bothers you so much, why not go up to your room?

DARIA: And be closer to the epicenter? Nope. (Bt) 'Til Quinn has the nerve to toss out her disciples, I'm staying in exile.

(Beat. Helen rolls her eyes.)

HELEN: Daria, would it hurt you to be supportive of your sister just this once?? She's taken on a very big responsibility, being head cheerleader of the school.

DARIA: I support her right to life on this planet. Anything more would be asking too much.

HELEN: You know you could learn a little from her example. She --

(Daria's eyes narrow.)

DARIA: I'll shoot myself before I take lessons from Quinn.

(Helen flings her hands in the air in a "fine, fine" manner. Then she, Daria, and Jake notice that it's become very still. All three release a sigh.)

HELEN: Now you see? They're -- (the cheering and pounding start up again. Helen closes her eyes and groans.)

(Just then, some plaster from the ceiling falls down on top of Jake's head. He brushes it off and looks at it, then goes into a rage.)

JAKE: Dammit! The bastards who sold us this house said it was newly insulated! Those rotten liars!! (shakes a fist) Damn them!! DAMN them!!!!

HELEN: (losing all composure) Oh honest to God! How can anyone even think around here much less put together the most important case of her career!

DARIA: And so...?

HELEN: Daria, go ask your sister and her friends to keep it down.

(Daria slides off the couch.)

DARIA: With pleasure. (leaves)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Quinn's room)

(Shot of the door. We see Daria opening the door part way just as the cheer is dying down. She frowns and peers into the room. Cut to her POV: Quinn is sitting on her bed, dressed normally and not wearing glasses, looking like a teacher observing the class. The other cheerleaders are clustered in front of her. Angie, the cheerleader we know from "Daria Dance Party" and "Andrea Speaks!", looks at her subserviently.)

ANGIE: How was that, Quinn? Were we bouncy enough?

(Pause. Quinn's brows furrow in thought.)

QUINN: Hmm... I saw bounce, and yet... I didn't feel bounce. You haven't tapped into the bounciness within yet.

(The cheerleaders' expectant looks fade.)

ANGIE: You're right. (Bt) It's just so hard to be bouncy, now that I know wearing the school's colors during daylight hours is a fashion don't. [*] see "The Lost Girls"

(The other cheerleaders murmur in agreement. The brown-haired one from "Daria Dance Party," whom I'll call Shana, speaks up: )

LISA: Yeah. I feel so dirty.

(She and the other cheerleaders shudder. Quinn gets an almost maternal expression on her face. Jumps off the bed and puts an arm around both Angie's and Shana's waist.)

QUINN: (in that same counseling tone she used in "Monster") Guys, don't worry -- that's why I'm here. To help you. (Bt) I've already made arrangements for new ice blue uniforms to be delivered.

CHEERLEADERS: Yeah!/ All right!/ You're the best!

QUINN: (smirking. enjoying the praise) With a special fabric protector that dissolves sweat.

(She shudders a little at the word "sweat," as do the other cheerleaders.)

LISA: (grateful) Wow, Quinn, you think of everything.

QUINN: (faux modest) I try.

(She smirks as the other cheerleaders murmur appreciatively. Then suddenly she sees Daria spying on them from off screen. Frowns.)

QUINN: Daria, what're you doing here??

(Cut to shot from her POV. Daria opens the door a little wider. Wears a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: Trying to pick up fashion tips.

(Resume shot of Quinn, glaring. Meanwhile, the other cheerleaders gaze at Daria with slightly freaked expressions.)

QUINN: Very funny. (Bt) Are you spying for Mom and Dad??

(Cut to shot of Daria.)

DARIA: Nope. Mine is purely an errand of mercy. (Bt) I came to tell you to can the noise. Certain other people in this house are fed up with having to listen to it.

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Fine -- we're through here, anyway. (turns to the other cheerleaders. claps her hands together in an energetic manner.) Okay, you guys, let's call it a night.

CHEERLEADERS: All right!/ Cool!/ Phew!

QUINN: (to Daria. scornful) There, you see?? (Bt) Now go away an' leave us alone.

(Cut to shot of Daria. She frowns and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: As you wish, Your Highness. (closes the door)

(Cut to shot of Quinn glaring back at Daria. She's picked up some subtle connotation in Daria's nickname, but doesn't know what to make of it. Just then, the cheerleader with the short orange hair from "Daria Dance Party," whom I'll call Heather [there's gotta be one], looks at Quinn beseechingly.)

HEATHER: Quinn, before we go: d' you have me scheduled down for our "avoiding split ends" session?

(Quinn points to a Deena Decker schedule book on her dresser. It's aqua, because she's already used up the coral one.)

QUINN: I've got you right in there. Tomorrow. Four. My house.

HEATHER: (clasping her hands together) Oh thank you!

(The other cheerleaders look at each other, then at Quinn with beseeching expressions.)

CHEERLEADERS: Oh! Can I get in on that, too?!

ANGIE: Jumping up and down is so hard on your hair.

CHEERLEADERS: Yeah!

(Beat. Quinn holds up her hands in a benevolent "calm down" manner.)

QUINN: (cheery) Guys, guys, guys... there's more than enough Quinn to go around. I can make appointments with all of you.

CHEERLEADERS: Whoo-hoo!/ All right!/ Great!

(They huddle around Quinn and give her times and days. Quinn loves the attention.)

LISA: (adoring) Quinn, you've only been head cheerleader for a couple of weeks, and already I feel like I've learned so much from you.

ANGIE: Yeah. We never got any of this when Brittany was head cheerleader.

(Quinn's smirk deepens.)

QUINN: I know.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (bathroom, nighttime)

(Shot of Quinn in pajamas, standing in front of the mirror. She's making little gestures that suggest modified cheers. Just then, Daria walks in, also in pajamas, and stands beside her. Observes Quinn with a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: Did something crawl into your nightgown?

(Quinn continues to gesture as she peers sideways at Daria and frowns.)

QUINN: Leave me alone, Daria. I'm busy.

(Beat)

DARIA: Training to become a mime?

(Quinn drops her arms, glares at her.)

QUINN: I'm cheering.

DARIA: Oh. So that's what that was.

(Quinn turns back to the mirror, starts making gestures again.)

QUINN: Quit making fun of me.

(Pause)

DARIA: Don't tell me that's all you can do.

QUINN: Of course it's not! (Pause. hesitant) I probably know... lots of stuff. I just haven't tried.

DARIA: Yeah, that must be it.

(Quinn resumes gesturing.)

QUINN: So I don't like jumping around an' getting all sweaty. So what??

DARIA: Well, being able to lead a cheer's pretty important when you're head cheerleader.

QUINN: I can lead a cheer. (Bt) I just do it differently -- like that guy who waves a wand thingy that tells his band what to play. What's he called?

DARIA: A charlatan. (Bt) Well I gotta say, Quinn, with a can-do attitude like that, you really are an improvement over Brittany.

(Beat)

QUINN: (not sure if she's being sarcastic or not) Thanks.

DARIA: And if you don't mind my asking: how exactly did you get picked to be head cheerleader?

QUINN: I've already told you.

DARIA: That you got elected, but not much more. (Bt) So what's the story behind this election?

QUINN: (annoyed) There is no story.

DARIA: (sarcastic) Oh, right. (Bt) I suppose the other cheerleaders just decided one day to make you their leader. Without any convincing from you whatsoever.

(Quinn pauses to mull over those remarks, then decides to level with Daria.)

QUINN: Well okay, so it's true I wanted to be head cheerleader. (Bt) I mean God -- leave an important role like that to Brittany?? She can't even apply lipstick without screwing up.

DARIA: True.

QUINN: It's not like I even had to twist the other girls' arms, or anything. Sheesh -- offer some sign of leadership ability, and they'll come running.

DARIA: Right. Come running... just like that.

QUINN: Weeell, I did give them makeover tips and free bounce lessons my first few days with the team. Maybe that did it.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

QUINN: Like I expected them to elect me after the first week. Two or three maybe... but the whole thing was as much a surprise to me as it was to anyone else.

DARIA: I see. And now you'll just have to force yourself to reap the benefits.

(Quinn sighs with obvious satisfaction.)

QUINN: I suppose. (Bt) It's a big responsibility, but I'm up for the challenge.

DARIA: Caveat emptor.

QUINN: Huh? (Bt) What does that mean?

(Daria sighs and frowns a little.)

DARIA: It means congratulations, Quinn: you got exactly what you wanted. You're on top of the world, glasses or no.

QUINN: (wary again) Um, thanks.

DARIA: But let the buyer beware.

(With that, she turns and heads out of the bathroom, leaving Quinn to frown after her.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn standing alone at her locker. She's dressed in her cheerleader's uniform and her glasses, and is slumped over. From off screen: )

STACY: Poor Quinn. She looks so sad.

(Cut to shot of Stacy, Tiffany, and Sandi. They're also standing by some lockers, and Stacy's peering around a corner at Quinn. Sandi looks at her with obvious irritation.)

SANDI: Stacy, she is not sad. (Bt. bitter) How can anyone who's Miss Great-an'-Wonderful-head-cheerleader-gets-out-of-school-early-on-game- days-an'-gets-favors-from-Ms.-Li be sad??

TIFFANY: Yeah, Stacy. Quinn's more popular than ever, now.

(Sandi glares at her -- obviously that wasn't what she wanted to hear.)

STACY: I don't know... she just looks really bummed-out all the time. (Bt. hesitant) Y' know, Sandi, I was thinking: Quinn's cute enough that she doesn't look too bad in glasses...

(Sandi's expression turns megabitch.)

STACY: So maybe -- (sees Sandi's expression) eap, I'll shut up now.

(Pause)

SANDI: Stacy. Don't you remember how she lied to us an' broke the Fashion Club rules?? Or do those things mean nothing to you??

(Stacy shakes her head, then nods, indecisive about which gesture is correct.)

STACY: Um, yeah. Sure they... mean something... Sandi.

SANDI: Then why don't you just shut up an' leave everything to me. It's not your job to think, anyway. (Bt. looks at both Stacy and Tiffany) In case you've forgotten, you're the secretary an' Tiffany's vice-president. I'm the president -- I make the decisions.

(Tiffany can't keep from rolling her eyes.)

TIFFANY: Yes, Sandi, you've told us that many times.

SANDI: (defensive) And do you have a problem with that??

TIFFANY: Um, no way.

(Sandi nods curtly.)

SANDI: Good.

(Stacy shakes her head and peers longingly at Quinn. Cut to close-up shot of Quinn at her locker. She looks inside, at her mirror [of course she'd have a mirror in there]. Frowns with disgust.)

QUINN: (mumbling) God, glasses and primary colors during daylight hours. I do look like a geek.

(She's just shutting her locker when, off screen, we hear the voice of her math teacher, Mr. Phelps: )

PHELPS: Well hello, Ms. Morgendorffer.

(He walks on screen and stands beside her. Quinn looks up at him, frowning with shyness and embarrassment -- "Oh God, a teacher's talking to me.")

QUINN: Um, hi Mr. Phelps.

(Phelps smiles grimly and folds his arms.)

PHELPS: (somewhat formally) I'm glad to have finally caught up with you. You haven't been in class too much, as of late.

QUINN: (eyes drifting around in an awkward manner) Oh yeah, well... I've been busy. Um, I've got a lot of stuff to do, what with cheerleading an' all...

PHELPS: (sardonic) So your after school activities take precedence over your school work, do they?

(Pause. Quinn looks confused -- Mr. Phelps uses a lot of "brain" words.)

QUINN: Well I... um, I guess...

(Phelps shakes his head, smirks a bit.)

PHELPS: Will you be in class today?

(Pause)

QUINN: (embarrassed) Oh well, actually... Ms. Li gave me permission to take the rest of the day off. 'Cause it's like, um, Game Day and I gotta prepare...

(Beat. Now Phelps shakes his head and sighs.)

PHELPS: (serious) Then I might as well say this now. Ms. Morgendorffer, I'd like to have a talk with you about your performance.

(Quinn looks impatient -- she's heard these unpleasant words before, from other teachers.)

QUINN: Um, right, sure -- but could we, like, sorta have it later? I'm kind of in a rush.

PHELPS: (a tad weary) Sure.

(Pause. Quinn gazes at him for a second, feeling like she should say something in parting.)

QUINN: (encouraging) Football season's almost over.

(Phelps chuckles and smiles grimly.)

PHELPS: Yes, that's true.

(Quinn smiles at him and starts to leave.)

PHELPS: But a cheerleader's work is never done.

(Quinn pauses, glances over her shoulder at him, frowns, and walks on. Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.)

STACY: Hey look -- Quinn's headed this way.

TIFFANY: Oh God, this could be so awkward.

SANDI: (authoritative) Just act natural.

(Quinn walks toward them. Stacy looks at her, her face brightening.)

STACY: Hi, Quinn! (waves)

(Sandi and Tiffany do likewise, with less enthusiasm.)

SANDI & TIFFANY: Hi, Quinn.

(Quinn glances at them, frowns darkly, then picks up the pace. She sweeps past the Fashion Club without saying a word, exits off screen. The F.C.s watch her go. Stacy puts her hand down, looking disappointed, while Sandi folds her arms with subtle satisfaction.)

SANDI: You try to be nice to some people, and look where it gets you.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Stacy turns and frowns at both of them. But not one to go with her irritation, quickly turns meek again.)

STACY: Well, um, see what I mean about her being sad?

SANDI: I'll say. The other cheerleaders must find her a total bummer to be around.

STACY: Um, yeah. (Bt) And if Quinn's unhappy, I wonder how Brittany's doing...

(Cut to close-up shot of Daria at her locker. She's fiddling around, wearing a deadpan expression. But she can't maintain that expression, as off screen, we hear Brittany full-on squeaking at Kevin.)

BRITTANY: Don't lie to me, you big selfish jerk!! I saw you looking at her!!!

KEVIN: Hey babe, babe, I keep tellin' ya! I was just starin' at her glasses, that's all!

(Cut to wide shot. We see Jane standing next to Daria, also tuned in to the argument. Brittany and Kevin walk on screen, stand in front of them. Brittany's replaced her cheerleader's uniform with a similar outfit -- a clingy sleeveless pink sweater and cutoffs.)

BRITTANY: Ha, right! People don't wear glasses below the neck, Kevin!

KEVIN: Um, well yeah, that's true, but --

BRITTANY: Ooooooooh!!! I knew it! I knew that after I quit cheerleading you wouldn't stay faithful to me!!!

KEVIN: Babe, baaabe, I'm totally faithful to ya. Really. (flashes his toothy dimpled grin)

(Unable to resist the grin, Brittany looks slightly placated.)

BRITTANY: Really??

KEVIN: Suuure. (Bt) I mean, just 'cause Quinn's hot doesn't mean --

BRITTANY: Arrrrrghhhhhhhh!!! (starts pounding on Kevin with her fists)

(Daria and Jane look at each other.)

DARIA: Fidelity oaths from a football player.

JANE: It's like a politician agreeing to campaign spending limits.

(Brittany stops pounding, looks at Daria with a menacing expression -- not unlike the one Daria cowed her with in "That Thing You Say." Only Daria remains unfazed.)

DARIA: Yes?

BRITTANY: (to Kevin) Oh look, it's the traitor's sister!

KEVIN: (oblivious) Oh yeah. Hey, Daria.

DARIA: (deadpan) Hey.

BRITTANY: How can you even think of talking to her?!! She probably told Quinn to go for head cheerleader! It sounds like something a brain would think up!

DARIA: Right. I harnessed my brain power to come up with a scheme to oust you from cheerleading. (Bt) Does that sound like me?

BRITTANY: I don't care if it does or doesn't! As far as I'm concerned, if you're sisters with that traitor, you're a traitor, too!!! So don't even talk to me!

DARIA: I'll try to restrain myself.

BRITTANY: Ooooooooooh!!! C'mon Kevin, let's go! (marches off screen. Kevin waits behind, hesitant. From off screen: ) Kevin!!! (Kevin now runs off, too.)

(Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: (to herself) Even if that scheme was my idea, Quinn wouldn't've gone for it. She doesn't care what I think.

JANE: (on a different track) Never a dull moment around here, I gotta say.

DARIA: Damn that Andrea. Why'd I have to say that stuff to her? And why'd she have to --?

JANE: What stuff?

(Daria shakes her head again.)

DARIA: Nothing.

(Beat. Jane decides not to pursue it.)

JANE: Hey, ya know, all that cheerleader scheming and back-stabbing sounds pretty entertaining. (smirks wickedly)

DARIA: Oh I'm sure. It's a big joke if you ask me.

JANE: So've you gone to see Quinn at a game, yet?

DARIA: No. (Bt) But I can see that you want to.

JANE: (admitting) Hey c'mon: the Big Game's in two weeks, and then the season's over. Why miss the chance to laugh at your sister while she's wiggling her caboose to the school song?

DARIA: But I can do that during basketball season. (Pause. sighs, gives in) Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5: (football field, early evening)

(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting in the top left hand corner of the bleachers. Both are frowning mildly.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Quite a crowd we've got here.

(Briefly cut to a wider shot. There's hardly anyone in the bleachers, although we can see Brittany and Jodie seated in the lower right hand corner. Brittany looks miserable, and Jodie like she's straining to be tolerant.)

JANE: (looking down at the cheerleaders) Why did I think this would be more interesting? (Cut to shot of Quinn standing on the sidelines with the other cheerleaders. She's barely paying attention to what they're doing or to what's going on in the game. Instead, wearing a bored expression, she checks her nail polish, then reaches up to take off her glasses and examine them. Quinn frowns: she really hates wearing them. Finally she sighs and puts them back on. Meanwhile, the Lions are screwing up royally on offense, and the other cheerleaders are forming a pyramid to rally the crowd.)

ANGIE: (from near the top) Quinn! Hey, Quinn!

(Quinn turns to look at them. She tries to sound enthusiastic.)

QUINN: Oh, um, yeah. Looks good, guys.

ANGIE: Great. (staining under the pressure of other girls' weight) But could you lend us a hand??

HEATHER: Yeah. You gotta get on top of the pyramid.

(Quinn suddenly looks nervous.)

QUINN: I, um, do?

CHEERLEADERS: Yeah!

(Before Quinn can respond, she hears from off screen: )

MACK: Watch out!

(Quinn looks and sees the football whizzing at her from a distance. She barely gets out of the way in time.)

QUINN: (breathless) That was close.

(The pyramid, unable to withstand the pressure, collapses, and the cheerleaders fall gracefully to the ground. Angie stands up, brushes herself off, and walks over to Quinn.)

ANGIE: You all right?

QUINN: Yeah. I saw it in time. (Bt) Sorry I couldn't join you guys. But maybe next time, now that our team's on... (can't remember the word)

ANGIE: Defense?

QUINN: Yeah. (nods)

(Beat)

ANGIE: Okay. (Bt) Y' know it's too bad Brittany quit the team. She loved doing the pyramid.

(Quinn frowns slightly.)

QUINN: Um, yeah, too bad.

(Then, from a short distance away: )

LISA: Quinn? Shouldn't you be putting together the next cheer?

(Pause. Quinn's not quite sure how to respond. Finally: )

QUINN: (cheery) Oh, well... you seem to know what to do. Why don't you give it a try? (Bt. faux noble) I don't believe in saving the spotlight just for myself.

(Shana hesitates, then finally nods. Angie looks at Quinn with a vaguely disappointed expression. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane in the stands, watching them.)

JANE: So how'd she manage to fool them 'til now?

DARIA: Free bounce lessons. (Bt. smirks with satisfaction) But those'll only get you so far.

(Resume shot of Quinn. She senses that there's dissatisfaction with her leadership. Sees that the offensive players are leaving the field, and turns to Angie.)

QUINN: (cheery) Say, Angie, remember how you wanted lessons on how to pick up guys?

ANGIE: Uh-huh. (Bt) But is this the right time?

QUINN: (brisk) There's never a wrong time to learn. (Bt. sees Kevin. smirks) Now for starters, you need to tilt your head, flip your hair a little, smile, try to cock an eyebrow if you can, an' go real sweetly -- hi, Kevin!

(Pause. Kevin sees Quinn, grins, and walks up to her.)

KEVIN: (somewhat turned on) Heeeey, Quinn. (flashes his toothy dimpled smile)

(From off screen: )

BRITTANY: Arrrrrghhhhhhhh!!!

(Quinn, Angie, and Kevin turn to watch Brittany leap off the bleachers and run away. Kevin looks panicked.)

KEVIN: Aw man! (runs off after her)

(Quinn turns to Angie.)

QUINN: (faux innocent) Gosh, she didn't think I was serious, did she? (shakes her head. instructional) Now you try.

(Angie nods and turns toward the other players. As she does so, Quinn slumps over a bit, suddenly feeling as though all of the pressures of being head cheerleader are getting to her. Then she sees the 3 Js coming toward her from the field, wearing contrite expressions. She gazes at them, startled.)

QUINN: Guys?

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi Quinn/ Hi Quinn/ Hi Quinn.

(Pause. Quinn continues to stare at them. Then her face lights up.)

QUINN: (happy) You're not running away!

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Um no/ Nope/ No way.

QUINN: (smirking) So you found out you couldn't live without me? (Bt) Even though I'm like this, now? (gestures at the glasses) [*] in "Rose-Colored Lenses," when the 3 Js first saw Quinn in glasses, they ran away. Presumably, since she started wearing them regularly, they've been keeping their distance.

JOEY: We tried to, Quinn, but we couldn't.

JEFFY & JAMIE: Nuh-uh!!!

(Quinn smirks, thrilled to see that she still has power over her three main admirers.)

JOEY: We were going to --

JEFFY: But then we had a talk with some other guys.

(Beat)

QUINN: Other guys?

JEFFY: Yeah. Guys who know you. (Bt) And we all agreed that your glasses make you look kinda weird --

JAMIE: We thought they'd turn you into some kind of nerd (cringes a little) --

JOEY: But now that you're head cheerleader, we don't have to worry.

(Quinn's smirk fades.)

QUINN: Oh.

JEFFY: (continuing. oblivious) We love how you look in a uniform!

JAMIE: Even more than what you usually wear.

JOEY: And the way you give orders to the other cheerleaders -- hot!

(Pause)

QUINN: Great. (Pause. sees that the 3 Js are standing around, waiting to serve her needs.) Say, um, while you're here, why don't you go get me a soda with crushed ice, or something?

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Cool! Which one of us?

QUINN: All of you. (waves her hand) Now go.

(They scurry off. Quinn watches them go, then deflatedly takes off her glasses and looks at them. She exhales sharply and straightens up. Puts on her glasses, gets a look of determination on her face.)

QUINN: (calling out to the other cheerleaders) Hey, you guys -- what're you waiting for?! Let's do a cheer!

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Quinn motoring past the Fashion Club without saying a word.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: the Morgendorffers visit Grandma Barksdale to celebrate her fiftieth wedding anniversary. Sounds like a lot of warm family fun... right? (shots of Daria and Quinn stumbling out of the car, Jake talking to a bunch of photographs on the mantelpiece, Jake and Helen raging at each other, and Helen with Rita and Amy) Catch the first of two parts next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

I normally love the "Got Milk" commercials, but this one gives me the creeps. It's where the old woman gives artificial milk to her gazillion cats instead of the real thing. The cats hiss demonically, lock the door, turn out the lights... and you're supposed to guess the rest. I know it's all just a joke, but every time I watch it I think: that poor woman! Just 'cause she didn't have real milk that day. Did she really deserve her fate...?? 

The Chevron commercials where you see a pretty forest or meadow, and hear this warm voice-over: "Do people take the time to restore nature so nature can run it's course? People do." 'Course, if nature had been left alone, instead of gutted for oil and other resources, people wouldn't have to restore it. Just my environmentalist rant... it's over now. 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

CHEERED DOWN

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)

(Shot of the outside. Off screen voice-over: )

HELEN: Quinn!

(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting on the center couch in the living room. Helen rushes over and hands her the phone.)

HELEN: (brisk) It's for you. Only make it fast -- I'm expecting a call from an important client. (rushes away)

QUINN: Sure. (puts her ear to the phone) Hello?

(Pause. Then: )

BRITTANY: (from the receiver) Why you, you... ooooooooh!!! First you take away cheerleading from me, then you try to steal my Kevin --!!!

QUINN: (calm) Sorry, Brittany, wrong number. (clicks off the phone, shakes her head, and rolls her eyes.)

(This ushers in a montage to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba [courtesy of Danny Bronstein])

(Shot of Brittany sitting in the gym bleachers, watching Quinn and the other cheerleaders practice. She gets enraged and sticks out her tongue at them. Of course the cheerleaders don't notice.)

(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders standing by the football field, admiring their new ice blue uniforms. Quinn's giving them a "pick up guys" lesson. She flirts with a bunch of the football players, including Kevin. Suddenly Brittany runs up to Quinn and hops up and down, trying to think of something nasty to say. Can't come up with anything, so she runs away. Quinn rolls her eyes amusedly and shakes her head.)

(Cut to shot of the cheerleaders watching as Quinn, awkward and embarrassed, tries to do a cheer.)

(Cut to shot inside the Landon house. Rachel comes over and hands Jodie the phone. Jodie gets a look that says "Not again!" She puts her ear to the receiver and cringes.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn watching the cheerleaders practice on the field. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the Fashion Club walking a distance away. They're carrying loads of shopping bags. Quinn gets a depressed look on her face.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn giving the cheerleaders special make-up bags as presents. The cheerleaders' faces tell you her gesture is much-appreciated.)

(Cut to shot of Helen handing Quinn the phone. Quinn hesitates, then gives the phone to Daria. Daria answers, and is met with -- no doubt -- an ear-piercing squeak. She glares at Quinn, who's now vanished.)

(Musical montage ends. cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Pizza King, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Off screen voice-over: )

BRITTANY: Jodie!

(Cut to shot of Jodie sitting alone in a booth. Brittany's rushing toward her, sitting down. Jodie tries her best to look glad to see her.)

BRITTANY: (rushing on. gesturing wildly) It's hopeless! I've tried everything! I've tried talking to her, an'-an' threatening her, an' not only is she still head cheerleader, but she's gonna get my Kevvy!

JODIE: (mechanically) Oh no. (Bt. shakes her head. sincere) Brittany, it's awful this had to happen to you. Quinn did a rotten thing, and I'm sorry I was ever nice to her.

BRITTANY: Me too! An' now I never wanna see her again!

(Beat)

JODIE: Uh... then I wouldn't look behind that wall of guys if I were you. (points)

(Cut to shot of a nearby booth. Quinn and some of the other cheerleaders are sitting there, out of uniform, flirting with their admirers. Brittany looks. Her face takes on an expression of horror.)

BRITTANY: Eap! Oh no! (lays her arms on the table, hides her face in them)

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

LISA: Brittany?

(Pause. Brittany slowly raises her face, wary. Shana walks over and stands next to her.)

LISA: (sincere) Wow! It's so good to see you.

BRITTANY: It-it is?

LISA: Yeah. We really miss you at cheerleading practice. Nobody can do a better cheer.

BRITTANY: (face brightening) Really?

LISA: Yeah, not even Quinn. She's great at everything else, but her moves are still a little rusty.

BRITTANY: (face falling) Oh.

(Just then, we hear from off screen: )

QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh hi, Brittany!

(Brittany's face reddens, and Jodie rolls her eyes, as Quinn walks on screen.)

QUINN: (to Brittany) Yes, it is nice to see you.

BRITTANY: (lips sealed shut) Mmmmmmmmm...

QUINN: Hi, Jodie.

JODIE: (cold) Hi, Quinn.

(Pause. Quinn frowns briefly, startled by Jodie's tone. Brittany chooses this moment to rebound.)

BRITTANY: (somewhat crafty... for her) Gosh, Quinn, how come you're not in uniform? It's a head cheerleader's duty to always wear it.

QUINN: A what?

BRITTANY: I'm surprised you haven't gotten in trouble with Ms. Li yet.

(Pause. For a moment Quinn looks worried. Then she smirks.)

QUINN: The cheerleading manual says you're s'posed to wear your uniform on Game Days and pep rally days. (Pause. eyes widen with faux incredulity) You mean you thought... (chuckles) you didn't honestly think... every day??

(Brittany goes pale. Looks at Jodie.)

BRITTANY: Well don't you?

JODIE: (apologetic. glaring sideways at Quinn) Um, I don't think so, Brittany.

(Brittany's lip trembles.)

BRITTANY: Mmm-mmm-mmm...

QUINN: Oh Brittany, you crack me up sometimes... (tosses her hair, and leaves. Shana hesitates a little, then waves a good-bye to Brittany and follows.)

(Brittany lowers her face again.)

BRITTANY: (whiny) You see! She's a bad cheerleader an' they still like her! I don't know what to do!

JODIE: Maybe you should try hitting her where it hurts. Call her "four-eyes," or something.

BRITTANY: But I don't wanna be a big meany!

(Beat. Jodie shakes her head, smiles.)

JODIE: You're a better person than your opponent, Brittany. (Bt) Anyway, there is a bright side to all this: the Big Game's next Saturday. Maybe Quinn'll make an idiot of herself in front of the crowd and the cheerleaders will see what a bad leader she is.

(Pause. Brittany nods, trying to take some comfort from that idea. Just then, we hear, off screen, the sound of the door opening and shutting, followed by Sandi's voice. Brittany turns to look. Cut to shot of Sandi and the other F.C.s. Brooke, the wanna-be F.C., is with them. She's gazing at Sandi with an almost desperate expression.)

BROOKE: Please, Sandi?! You always said you'd let me in if there was ever any room, an' now there is.

(Pause. Sandi rolls her eyes and decides to humor her.)

SANDI: (haughty) Very well. As soon as you buy us a pizza, we'll discuss your prospects.

(Brooke's face lights up with spazzy delight.)

BROOKE: Cheeseless?

SANDI: What else? (Pause. to Stacy and Tiffany) Let's go sit over -- (suddenly sees Quinn and the cheerleaders. calls out, faux friendly) Oh, hi, Quinn.

(Pause. From her table, Quinn looks at Sandi, a bit unnerved. She strains to sound nonchalant.)

QUINN: (equally faux friendly. through gritted teeth) Hi, Sandi. It's so good to see you.

SANDI: And it is equally good to see you.

(Stacy and Tiffany wave, to which Quinn responds with a brief, icy smile. As soon as Sandi turns away, Quinn glowers at her, looking as though she'd like to plunge a knife into her backside. Cut to shot of Brittany and Jodie. Brittany can't fail to see the tension between them. Turns excitedly to Jodie.)

BRITTANY: That's it! I know what I can do!

JODIE: What?

BRITTANY: I can join the Fashion Club! (Bt) Quinn can't get in, but I can! That'll burn her for sure!!! [*] see postscript

JODIE: But -- (Brittany leaves. Pause. sighs and shakes her head.) You know maybe I was wrong. Maybe you two aren't so different.

(Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany poised to sit down in a booth. Brittany runs over to them.)

BRITTANY: Hey, Sandi, could I join?! Could I, huh, could I??

(Sandi blinks, a bit startled.)

SANDI: What?

BRITTANY: The Fashion Club! Pleeese, oh pleeese?! (Bt) I can, um, coordinate stuff, if people teach me...

(Suddenly Brooke comes back from ordering the pizza.)

BROOKE: (panicked) Hey wait! I asked first! There's only one spot!

(Sandi smirks with delight. She never intended to let anyone into the Fashion Club, but she sees now that a little competition between Brittany and Brooke might work to her advantage. Puts up her hands in a "calm yourself" manner.)

SANDI: Shush. (Bt) Now, now, the Fashion Club believes in equal opportunity for all potential members. We can discuss both your prospects, then test out your skills in a few shopathons next week. (Bt) Sound good?

(Brittany clasps her hands together and bounces up and down.)

BRITTANY: Ooooooh -- yes!!!

(Brooke glares at her, then looks at Sandi.)

BROOKE: (deflated) I guess so.

(Sandi smirks and nods, then turns to glance at Quinn, who -- of course -- has been watching this whole thing, though trying not to look it.)

SANDI: (faux apologetic) Gee, Quinn, I hope this doesn't upset you. Since it's your spot we're trying to fill.

QUINN: (faux gracious) Of course not, Sandi. I'm completely happy with where I am right now. (Bt. When Sandi turns away, can't keep from frowning, grumbling) You stupid back-stabbing so-called friends who I got busted for buying stuff for an' this is how you repay me --?! [*] see "That Thing You Say"

(Sandi turns back to look at her.)

SANDI: (faux innocent) What did you say?

(Beat)

QUINN: (faux friendly) Oh, nothing, Sandi.

(Cut to shot of Jodie, who's watched the whole thing. She rolls her eyes.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Close-up shot of Daria's phone. It starts to ring. Cut to wider shot of Daria lying on the bed. She reaches over and picks up the phone after the first ring.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes?

(Split screen diagonal, with Jodie on the left and Daria on the right.)

JODIE: Hi, Daria. Glad I could get a hold of you.

DARIA: Well you're lucky. The Cheerleading Crisis Hotline is temporarily out of service. Our pom-pom queen has a date.

JODIE: Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. All this cheerleading stuff's really got me worried.

DARIA: You, too?

JODIE: Yeah. I hate watching Brittany suffer the way she has. (Bt) Look, Quinn seems like the type who can survive no matter what, but Brittany really needs cheerleading.

DARIA: You don't say.

JODIE: Yeah. Without it, she's just... lost somehow. (Bt) And now she's trying to get even with Quinn by joining the Fashion Club, and I'm afraid the whole thing'll be a disaster for her.

DARIA: Considering it's the Fashion Club, your fears are valid.

JODIE: Could you talk to Quinn? Maybe ask her to step down as head cheerleader?

(Pause. Daria's frowning, giving the idea some thought.)

JODIE: Look, in spite of what you think, you must have some influence over her. Could you at least try?

(Pause)

DARIA: (resigned) All right, I'll try. But I won't make any promises.

JODIE: Great. Thanks, Daria.

DARIA: (mumbling) Yeah, sure. Bye.

(She hangs up the phone. Cut to full screen. Daria hops off the bed and walks to her door. Cut to shot of the door as seen from the outside. Daria opens it, starts to step out into the hallway. Suddenly we see Quinn dart past, dressed the way she was when she dumped Corey in "Quinn the Brain.")

DARIA: Quinn?

QUINN: Can't talk. Date's here. (leaves)

(Daria rolls her eyes and groans.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (the mall, one afternoon after school)

(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany in the dressing room at Cashman's. They're on their first major shopathon with the potential members. Sandi's busy admiring herself in the mirror, while Stacy and Tiffany are slumped against a wall. Just then, Brittany and Brooke rush over, looking as though they've been doing some gift shopping. Each holds out a gift box to Sandi and looks at her with a beseeching expression. Stacy and Tiffany roll their eyes.)

STACY: (to Tiffany. hushed) Gosh, that's the third one each of them's bought today.

TIFFANY: (annoyed) Yeah.

(Sandi takes both gifts. Holds one up in each hand and examines them.)

BROOKE: (to Sandi) They're silver earrings... just, um, 'cause I saw them in the display an' they seemed like you.

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Well I bought you a bottle of Montel's Confessions. Just a squirt on your wrists, an' all the guys'll think you're really hot.

(Sandi raises and lowers the gifts as if she's weighing them.)

SANDI: Hmmmm... (finally raises Brittany's gift higher than Brooke's.) They're both great, but (gives Brittany a favoring look) Brittany, why don't you stand here with me and show off your fashion know-how? Brooke, you go off over there, somewhere. (nods toward Stacy and Tiffany)

(Brooke's face falls. She slumps over and walks away.)

BRITTANY: (can't conceal elation) All right!

(Sandi places the gifts on a small pile and then gestures at an article of clothing.)

SANDI: (instructional) Okay, Brittany: what type of shoes do you think would go with this cardinal sweater-vest?

(Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair all the while.)

BRITTANY: The brown... no... the red... no... (Meanwhile, Stacy, Tiffany, and Brooke watch her, annoyed.) wait, I got it! The brown thingys with the big heels, right?

(Sandi tries her best to look tolerant.)

SANDI: Um, that's a nice start, Brittany, but --

BROOKE: (looking like she's ready to tear Brittany's hair out) They're called Doc Marten platform sandals!! And you didn't even get the color right!!!

(Beat. Sandi cocks a haughty eyebrow at her.)

SANDI: Now, Brooke, Brittany is learning. Let's show her a little respect, okay?

(Beat)

BROOKE: (contrite) Okay.

SANDI: Good. (Bt) Now Brittany, honey, let's try something a bit easier. What kind of pants would go best with the sweater-vest? (gestures at a few different kinds of pants)

(Again, Brittany pauses to think, twirling a lock of hair. An irritated expression briefly crosses Sandi's face. Stacy and Tiffany roll their eyes. Brooke looks more and more enraged.)

BRITTANY: Uhhhhhh... the gray thingys? (gestures at a pair)

(Pause. Sandi is silent, unable to think of a suitable response for such an obvious fashion faux pas. Stacy can't hold back a sharp, exasperated sigh, and Tiffany's eyes narrow. Finally Brooke can't stand it anymore. She rushes up to Brittany.)

BROOKE: No! Not "the gray thingys"!! Anyone with half a brain can see that the black Capri pants are the only ones that match!

SANDI: (warning) Brooke...

BROOKE: (to Brittany) And those gray thingys have a name! They're called khaki Cargo pants!!! These ones are Guess Cargo pants, not to be confused with Old Navy Cargo pants, which have a much --

SANDI: (megabitch) Brooke. (Brooke pauses, looks at her with a slightly mollified expression.) Just wait your turn. The Fashion Club doesn't tolerate glory hogs.

(Brooke's expression turns dumbstruck.)

BROOKE: Wait, you're not saying you'd choose her over me, are you??!! (Bt. suddenly loses all composure) But you can't!!! She hasn't gotten anything right this entire trip!!!

SANDI: (again warning) Listen --

BROOKE: And look at her -- she's crawling with fashion don'ts!!! (gestures at Brittany's outfit.)

BRITTANY: I am?! (looks freaked, as if "fashion don'ts" were bugs, or something)

(Beat)

SANDI: (cool) Well I guess I can see what your true colors are, Brooke. Some people just aren't the supportive type.

BROOKE: Supportive??!! I've been waiting to get into the Fashion Club for two years!!! I even had Dr. Shar turn me into a freak so I could get in!!! And now you favor her (points to Brittany) just 'cause she buys better gifts?!! I can't stand it anymoooooooore!!! (turns and runs away) [*] see "Too Cute"

(The others watch her go, stunned.)

BRITTANY: Gosh...

SANDI: She always was high-strung.

(Pause)

STACY: Um, but she does have a point, Sandi.

TIFFANY: (slightly peevish) Yeah. Isn't bribery a violation of our charter??

(Sandi looks a tad uneasy. Then she gets a megabitch expression.)

SANDI: No. There's nothing in it about accepting bribes.

STACY: (mumbling) That's probably 'cause you wrote it.

SANDI: Not that that's what I've been doing, by the way. (frowns at Stacy, suddenly comprehending that she said something rebellious, but not sure what.)

TIFFANY: Well, um, Sandi, as vice-president --

SANDI: I didn't make you vice-president so you could start spouting off, Tiffany.

(Tiffany frowns and rolls her eyes. Stacy looks startled by the ferocity of Sandi's tone.)

STACY: Yeah, but Quinn --

SANDI: (sending her a freezing megabitch look) We're not talking about Quinn. Quinn's not here. Quinn got kicked out for being a liar, remember??

(Beat)

STACY: (pleading) But she wasn't a real liar. She just lied about wearing glasses. But everything else she told us has been true...

SANDI: How do you know??

STACY: (looking uncomfortable) Well, um, I don't... but she wouldn't...

SANDI: I don't want to hear about Quinn anymore. Okay?

(Stacy bows her head and nods. Meanwhile, the mention of "Quinn" has sent Brittany into a trembling rage.)

BRITTANY: Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!! (runs off)

(Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany watch her go.)

TIFFANY: God, again??

STACY: That's the fifth time today.

SANDI: She's probably as sick of hearing about Quinn as I am. (Bt) God, I promote you two, and this is the thanks I get? Boredom??

STACY: (rare burst of anger) But you didn't promote me! I'm still the secretary!

SANDI: Oh. Right. (Bt) Well it's probably 'cause you've been so annoying, going off about Quinn and other stupid stuff. Get over it, Stacy.

(She turns away and picks up the gift of perfume Brittany gave her. Opens the box, gives the bottle a sniff. Suddenly Stacy mumbles something barely audible. Sandi whirls around and glares at her.)

SANDI: What??!!

STACY: (cowering) Nothing.

(As Sandi turns away, she leans toward Tiffany.)

STACY: (hushed) I wish Quinn was here, now.

(Pause)

TIFFANY: (hushed) So do I.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (the school gym, next afternoon)

(Close-up shot of Brittany hiding behind the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders practice. She looks downcast -- not only does she hate not being on the cheerleading team, but she senses that she's not making too good an impression on the Fashion Club. Cut to shot of the cheerleaders. Quinn, once again, is struggling to do a cheer, looking extremely embarrassed. The other cheerleaders watch her with expressions that strain to be encouraging.)

QUINN: Well... um... tah-dah! (ends the cheer with a weak flourish)

(long Pause)

ANGIE: Um... that was good, Quinn.

LISA: Yeah. Really... really good.

QUINN: Really?

LISA: Yeah.

(Pause. Cut to shot of Brittany.)

BRITTANY: (to herself. fuming) Really good?!! She's awful!! She can't do a handspring, her cupies aren't cupie enough, and her herkies are too jerky! She gives pom-pom a bad name!

(Cut to shot of Quinn and the cheerleaders.)

QUINN: Want me to do it again?

CHEERLEADERS: No! No, that's okay...

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

BRITTANY: Oooooooooooooooh!!!

(She runs up to the cheerleaders, and before we know it, she's doing a cheer with dance moves so athletic and complex that the entire cast of "RENT" would be put to shame. Cue music from Geri Halliwell's "Look at Me." [again, courtesy of Danny Bronstein] Slow-motion shot of Brittany doing a backflip, her hair defying gravity. Cut to slo-mo shot of her spinning in an endless cartwheel. Cut to shot of Quinn, her mouth dropping open. No one besides the other cheerleaders knew Brittany was that good. Cut to shot of Brittany landing gracefully in a split, like a bird coming down from flight. She leaps up and starts to do a number of kicks and spins, "Lord of the Dance"-style. Looks at Quinn all the while, smirking a wicked, un-Brittany-like smirk. Quinn presses her lips together. Cut to shot of the other cheerleaders, spellbound by the moves. At last, Brittany finishes her cheer with a flourish, doing a double cartwheel and a backflip, so that she lands right in front of Quinn. Gets in her face.)

BRITTANY: You see?! That's how it's done!!

(The cheerleaders burst out applauding.)

CHEERLEADERS: (elated) Wow, Brittany!!/ That was amazing!!/ You're fantastic!!!

QUINN: (trying to sound civil) Yes, very nice, Brittany.

(Brittany smirks the wicked smirk again.)

BRITTANY: (faux gracious. twirling a lock of hair) Gee, Quinn, I'd teach ya if I had time. But I'm so busy with the Fashion Club, picking out the right pants to match sweater-vests an' stuff.

QUINN: (faux gracious. through gritted teeth) That's all right, Brittany.

BRITTANY: Well I'd better go coordinate something. See ya! (she darts off)

(Quinn watches her go with a sullen expression.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jake, and Helen sitting at the table. Daria and Jake are doing their usual paper-reading. Helen's watching Quinn, who's chatting on the phone off screen. She wears an expectant frown.)

QUINN: (off screen. slightly peevish) Yes... yes... yes it was a really cool thing that Brittany did today. Yes I too wish she'd rejoin the team. Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it now. (Bt. affectionate) Shana, I gotta go, but remember: if you need me, I'm just a pager-beep away at Chez Pierre. (Bt) Who loves ya? (Pause) Bye! (hangs up)

HELEN: Quinn, I need t--

QUINN: (rushed) Here's the phone, Mom. (thrusts it into her hands) Gotta get ready for my date tonight with Skylar -- don't wait up! (starts to leave)

HELEN: Quinn, stop.

(Quinn stops and looks at her with a pleading expression.)

QUINN: Mo-om! If this is about the Big Game next weekend -- nothing personal! I just don't want you an' Dad an' certain other people coming and humiliating me in front of my friends an' the football players an' the stadium an' --

HELEN: (firm) Quinn. (Bt) Sit down.

(Quinn rolls her eyes and does so grudgingly. Daria and Jake lower their papers, intrigued.)

QUINN: What??

(Beat)

HELEN: Sweetie, today my secretary told me she got a call from one of your teachers --

JAKE: Now why don't I ever get called??

HELEN: Jake, please!! (Bt. to Quinn) She said he told her that your grades in class had vastly improved --

JAKE: Quinn's improving?!

DARIA: (disbelief) At school?

HELEN: Yes. (Bt) Or she was, anyway, until recently. Now her grades are dropping below what they were before she improved. (Bt) Quinn, would you mind explaining yourself??

(Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)

QUINN: Mo-om! There's nothing to explain! (Bt) It was that fathead Phelps guy who called, wasn't it?? A few lucky grades an' the man thinks I've turned over a new leaf! Wrong.

HELEN: (not persuaded) Quinn, did all this start after you joined cheerleading?

QUINN: No-o! I'm telling you, I'm doing just as well as I always have. (Bt) Okay, so maybe cheerleading does create some extra pressure in my life, but it's nothing I can't handle. (Bt) Now if you don't mind, I'm going upstairs. (stands up)

HELEN: Quinn, we're not through --

(Quinn's eyes narrow.)

QUINN: (with unusual hardness) Yes. We are. The subject is closed, Mother.

HELEN: But --

QUINN: But nothing. (stalks away)

(Pause. Helen purses her lips together and glares after her. Daria sees this.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over. to Quinn) If I were you, I'd start writing a song. A really good one.

(Helen sighs and cocks a resigned eyebrow.)

HELEN: Well maybe she's just feeling pressured because the Big Game's coming up. She'll probably focus more on school afterward.

(Daria frowns and rolls her eyes, annoyed that Quinn can get away with disrespecting their mom and she can't.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Quinn's room, a short time later)

(Close-up shot of Quinn posing in front of the mirror, nearly dressed to go out. She looks pleased with what she sees. In the background, we see her door open and shut, and Daria walking in. Quinn looks at her through the mirror, annoyed.)

QUINN: Could you try knocking??

(Daria walks up and stands beside her.)

DARIA: If I had, would I have made it this far?

(Quinn pauses to consider, then shrugs a reply.)

DARIA: (sees Quinn's not wearing her glasses.) So you're choosing the two-eyed look tonight.

QUINN: Hey, just because I wear glasses now doesn't mean I have to wear them all the time.

DARIA: True. (Bt) And when you do wear glasses, you just act like they're of no use to you.

QUINN: What d' you mean? (Bt. suspicious) Are you gonna start harping on me about my grades the way Mom was earlier??

(Daria cocks an eyelid)

DARIA: I guess not. (Bt) Since it's obvious you could care less about academics.

QUINN: Hmph... (Daria's remark doesn't sit well with her. Bt) So why are you here??

(Beat)

DARIA: I don't know. (Bt) I guess 'cause a certain person asked me to appeal to your sense of decency.

(Quinn spins around and looks at her.)

QUINN: Omigod -- it wasn't Brittany, was it?? (chuckles) 'Cause if so, you can tell her I got elected fair 'n' square an' no amount of twirling around's gonna get her back her position so quit being such a big baby about it.

DARIA: Actually --

QUINN: An' while you're at it, tell her that she can keep Kevin 'cause I don't want Kevin -- who would want Kevin, other than a total loser? (chuckles again)

(Pause)

DARIA: (a bit flat) It wasn't Brittany. (Bt) Anyway, I don't think anything I say to you would work. You're too happy where you are -- popular, always on the phone, with dates every night... (turns as if to go)

(Quinn frowns)

QUINN: (also flat) You make it sound like a bad thing. (Bt) But that's how it's always been with me.

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Yeah, I know. (Bt) But I was hoping for something more.

(Beat. Quinn glowers at her.)

QUINN: More what? What are you, my keeper?? (Bt) Look, would you just leave an' let me get ready?

DARIA: Fine. (starts to go. then looks at Quinn's outfit and does a double-take.) You're not wearing that old thing, are you?

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Very funny.

DARIA: I'm serious. You're dates've already seen you in that. (Quinn's face grows pale.) Your wardrobe must be in major need of an overhaul if even I'm noticing. (Bt) When's the last time you've been clothes shopping?

(Quinn now looks pale and horrified. Can't stand, has to sit on the bed.)

DARIA: Don't tell me you haven't shopped since you became head cheerleader.

(Pause)

QUINN: Oh... my... God.

(Pause. Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Whoops. (Bt) Y' know, maybe now's the time to consider early retirement.

QUINN: I'm not gonna quit cheerleading!

DARIA: (surprised) You'd do it even if it messed with your number one passion?

QUINN: Of course I would. There's nothing else for me to do --

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Quinn, there're lots of things you could do.

QUINN: But nothing that's as good! What -- join the math brigade or the French club or... taxidermy?? (shudders)

DARIA: So nothing satisfies you like cheerleading? (Bt) Do you even know how to cheer, yet?

(Beat)

QUINN: (embarrassed) Um, I'm working on it.

DARIA: (smirking) Right. (Bt) And I s'pose the other cheerleaders just love watching you stumble around, making an idiot of yourself and the team.

(Quinn glares at her.)

QUINN: (through gritted teeth) They've been very encouraging, actually.

DARIA: Ooh, I'll bet. (Bt) But don't expect it to last.

QUINN: Huh?

DARIA: When the Big Game comes, you won't be performing in front of some middling crowd. (Bt) The whole school'll watch you fall on your ass.

(Quinn looks pale and worried.)

DARIA: (continuing) And when that happens, don't be surprised if your "friends" start sharpening their knives.

(Pause)

QUINN: (freaked) But they can't! They can't get rid of me! I've done everything for them!

DARIA: Except your main job requirement -- cheer.

(Beat)

QUINN: (defensive) Hey, I can learn to cheer.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: In a week? Quinn, don't even bother.

QUINN: What, you don't think I can??

DARIA: You haven't done much to prove otherwise.

QUINN: Oh yeah?! (The humiliation Brittany put her through this afternoon comes roaring back to her. She makes fists and waves them in the air, and speaks with a ferocity that's rare even for her.) Well if I have to learn to cheer then, dammit, I will! I'll be the best freakin' head cheerleader they've ever had. (Bt) And I won't let myself get cheered down by some bimbo!

(Pause. Daria blinks, surprised by Quinn's tone.)

DARIA: You're really serious?

(Beat)

QUINN: Yes, I'm serious.

(Pause. Daria sighs and cocks and eyelid.)

DARIA: All right, then I have two words for you: good luck.

(Quinn returns her gaze with a determined stare.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Brittany ending her cheer with a flourish, right in front of Quinn.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"The Man Show" promo. Ack, I saw it: men guzzling beer, busty women clinging to poles. It's all part of an attempt by Comedy Central to woo the elusive 18-34 year-old male viewer. Comedy Central --why, why?? You were always so good to me! And surely most 18-34 year-old men have better taste. If not, God help us all...

One of those commercials where the babies talk in cutesy little-kid voices and act like adults. They're usually for Pampers, or baby food. Who thought it'd be better for people to see babies acting like adults rather than like babies? Probably someone who doesn't have kids... 

If I see one more commercial in which a millionaire athlete acts like an ordinary Joe, I'll swear off pro sports faster than you can say "Creatine"... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

CHEERED DOWN

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the mirrors in Quinn's room. She walks up to them, dressed in a cute sweat outfit, and looks at herself critically.)

QUINN: How hard can it be to cheer? Anyone can do it. All you gotta do is... (shakes her arms in pom-pom waving gestures) and... (starts kicking her legs from side to side. then hops around a little) See? No prob-- agh! (trips and falls on her rear end)

(Pause. Quinn's dazed for a second. She then wilts a little and looks at herself in the mirror. Notices her glasses are crooked, and angrily yanks them off.)

QUINN: Stupid things've been getting in my way. (tosses them onto the bed. looks at herself again, then grows pale.) Agh! (puts a hand to her forehead, looks at it, sees that it's wet and glistening. looks at herself in the mirror again, defeated.) Huhhhhhh...

(Then, suddenly, an idea occurs to her. Quinn fingers her hair, looks into the mirror.)

QUINN: (thoughtful) Hmmm...

(fade-out. This begins the second montage to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba.)

(Fade-in to shot of Quinn's mirror again. She bounces up to it, this time with her hair done up in a stylish, split-end resistant braid, a sweatband on her forehead, her glasses off, and a determined frown. She proceeds to practice the cheers.)

(Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway. Daria's walking down it when, suddenly, she stops and looks on with wonder. We see Quinn coming at her in what looks like a cartwheel. It ends up in disaster, and Quinn crashes in a heap at Daria's feet. Daria smirks.)

(Cut to shot of the school hallway. Quinn's at her locker, still in her cheerleading mode -- she's hopping around and making little gestures. Suddenly we see the Fashion Club and Brittany walk past. [Because Brittany buys such nice gifts, Sandi's decided to let her tag along for a while.] The F.C.s are admiring Brittany's new, very stylish, outfit. Quinn halts abruptly as they walk past, her enthusiasm fading. Then she frowns, more determined than ever, and continues practicing.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting in the front passenger seat of her date's car, while he -- Shawn from "The New Kid" -- drives. Quinn's making little cheering gestures. Shawn starts to ask her what she's doing, when she mouths a "Quiet, Shawn" at him and keeps on gesturing.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn coming out of math class, looking at the latest grade on her quiz and wearing a frustrated expression. She finally crumples up the quiz and tosses it into the nearest garbage can.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn doing cheerleading moves in front of the mirror again. This time, she's much better.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn showing off her moves to the other cheerleaders. They watch her with elation and approval.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (rally in the gym, the day before the Big Game)

(Shot of the inside of the gym. The musical montage ends with Quinn doing a perfect double-cartwheel across the gym floor. She lands gracefully in front of the other cheerleaders, and proceeds to lead them, move-by-move, through a complex cheer. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, sitting in the farthest corner of the bleachers, watching.)

JANE: (awed) I'll be damned...

(Daria's too amazed to speak.)

(Cut to shot of Brittany and the F.C.s, watching. Stacy looks elated, Tiffany impressed, Sandi's trying not to look impressed,and Brittany looks depressed that Quinn got so good so fast.)

BRITTANY: (lip trembling) Mmm-mmm-mmm...

(Cut to shot of Quinn and the other cheerleaders ending in a flourish. Quinn stands up, smirks triumphantly, and takes a bow. Then she and the other cheerleaders sit down in seats near the podium at the front of the room. Ms. Li approaches the podium and claps her hands together briskly three times.)

MS. LI: Excellent job, ladies, excellent job. You all reflect the supremacy of Laaaaaaaawndale High. (Bt) Now let's hope you can do as well tomorrow when our boys face off against those cretins from Cumberland. And remember -- we're there to win, win, WIN!!!

(The audience cheers. Ms. Li puts up a hand.)

MS. LI: And on a final note -- (suddenly looks closely at the cheerleaders' ice blue uniforms. frowns with suspicion.) Wait a minute... are those new uniforms??! I don't remember authorizing any wardrobe purchases! All of you -- dismissed. (waves a hand) I have to go check our budget report... (quickly leaves)

(Quinn chuckles nervously as most of the students stand up and start filtering out of the gym. Meanwhile, she and the other cheerleaders remain behind. Several students come over to congratulate them, especially Quinn. The other cheerleaders also turn to her and express their approval.)

ANGIE: Quinn, we're so proud of you.

HEATHER: Yeah, you were really good out there!

(Quinn stands up and flips her braid nonchalantly.)

QUINN: (chipper) It was nothing. Those cartwheel thingys were even kind of fun.

(Suddenly Brittany and the Fashion Club appear behind her.)

STACY: Great job, Quinn!

(Quinn turns to look at them.)

BRITTANY: (sulky. begrudging) Yeah, really great.

QUINN: (surprised) Um... thanks.

(Beat)

SANDI: Yes, it was all right. (Bt) Although her underwear wasn't s'posed to show like that through the whole performance, was it, Brittany?

BRITTANY: (realizing. guileless) You're right! It wasn't.

(This statement is met with mild laughter from the crowd. Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (irritated) Gee, thanks for the feedback, guys. I'll keep it in mind tomorrow. (Bt. faux sweet) Ooh, and Brittany, I've got some advice for you.

BRITTANY: What?

QUINN: You should wear flats or sandals with Capri pants, not ankle boots. (Bt) Funny, Sandi, that you'd let someone into the Fashion Club who commits so many fashion don'ts.

(Brittany presses her lips together, looking irritated. Meanwhile, the crowd has grown, and we can see Jodie, Daria, and Jane watching. The cheerleaders glance at each other. They sense there's a brawl on the horizon, but aren't sure whether to intervene. Sandi cocks an annoyed eyebrow at Quinn.)

SANDI: (haughty) Brittany is in training to become a Fashion Club member. She still has a lot to learn.

QUINN: (flaring up at her) Well I don't see you cutting that much slack for other people.

SANDI: (catching the hidden meaning) Other people know the fashion rules, so any violation on their part is a crime.

QUINN: If that's so, couldn't you at least replace that person with someone else who knows fashion?!

BRITTANY: Hey, I know fashion!

QUINN: Like hell, you do!

BRITTANY: (fully ticked-off) Mmmmmmmmm!!! (Bt) Well you smarty-marty pants head cheerleader, you're one to talk!

QUINN: What d' you mean?? You heard what Ms. Li said -- about us being good.

BRITTANY: Yeah, but she doesn't know the most important part of being a cheerleader -- doing the splits. I haven't seen you do one of those, yet.

(Pause. Quinn looks a bit nervous, but tries to act nonchalant.)

QUINN: (scoffing) A split's not that important.

BRITTANY: Oh really? Every head cheerleader for years an' years an' years's known how to do the splits. (to the other cheerleaders) Right, guys?

(Quinn looks at them. Slowly, the cheerleaders nod.)

BRITTANY: Don't tell me you can't do one.

(As she says this, she slides gracefully into a split. For a few seconds, she sits there with her arms triumphantly outspread. Then gravity proves too much for her -- she falls over on her face. Quinn smirks at her.)

QUINN: I could do a better split than that.

SANDI: (as Brittany's picking herself up) You can? Well then why not show us if you're so good.

(Beat)

QUINN: All... right. (Pause) Fine. I will.

(Meanwhile, Jodie's become fed-up with this immature face-off. She rolls her eyes and leaves. Jane turns to Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) Does she know how to do the splits?

DARIA: No.

(Quinn stands with her legs a short distance apart, looking like she doesn't quite know what to do. Sandi smirks an "I told you so." Brittany looks triumphant as well. Everyone else waits expectantly.)

SANDI: (to Quinn) Well what're you waiting for?

QUINN: Just give me a second!

(She starts sliding her legs apart. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, stunned.)

DARIA: My God, she's doing it...

(Then they wince violently, as if witnessing a car crash. The rest of the crowd gasps, then applauds. Cut to shot of Quinn. She's doing the splits, but the shaky smirk on her face barely conceals the fact that she's in terrible pain.)

QUINN: (unnaturally high) You see?? (Bt) Well, that's it. I don't want to make you guys late for class, so why don't you all go? Go on, now. Go.

(People hesitate for a moment, then most shrug and start to walk away. Among the departing are Brittany and the Fashion Club. Sandi's glowering, irritated at being beaten. Brittany sags forward, looking defeated and somewhat chastened. Stacy acts hesitant to leave Quinn, but goes anyway. Meanwhile, the cheerleaders remain fixed in their places.)

QUINN: (to the cheerleaders) You guys go on. Don't be late. (her smirk trembles)

LISA: You sure you d-- ?

QUINN: Go!

(The cheerleaders nod and slowly leave. Soon the only people left are Daria and Jane. They turn away, in case Quinn meant for them to go, too. Quinn spies them.)

QUINN: Daria?? Daria, help me!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)

(Shot of outside. Off screen voice-over: )

QUINN: Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!

(Cut to shot of the living room. Quinn's lying on the center couch with some big ice bags between her legs. Daria, Helen, and Jake are standing around her. They've been tending to her needs and listening to her whine.)

QUINN: It hurts! It huuuuuurts!!!

JAKE: (to Daria. hushed) Wow, I didn't think you could pull that many muscles.

DARIA: Mix can-do spirit with a heaping dose of ego, and you'll get many happy surprises.

QUINN: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

HELEN: (to Quinn. weary. pacifying) Now sweetie, calm down.

QUINN: Nooooooooo!!! I'm dying!!!

JAKE: (to Quinn) It's okay, baby, cry all you want. Daddy's not gonna make you repress your emotions like his father did when he was young. (eyes bulge) Boy do I remember --!!!

QUINN: Da-aaaaaad!!! No one CARES about your stupid FATHER!!!

(Beat)

JAKE: (a little stunned) Oh. Sorry, sweetie.

(Quinn continues to sob. Helen pats her shoulder.)

HELEN: (crooning) There, there, sweetheart... you just need a good long rest and you'll be feeling better in no time.

DARIA: Rest? But what about the Big Game tomorrow?

HELEN: Well obviously she can't go.

(Quinn quickly stifles her tears.)

QUINN: Can't go?? But I have to go!

HELEN: Now, Quinn, don't be silly.

QUINN: But I'm um-um... feeling better already. See? (tries to sit up, but winces a little and sinks back down.)

HELEN: (firm) Quinn, I know you've been looking forward to cheering in the Big Game, but I'm afraid I'll have to forbid it. You're in no shape to go out tomorrow.

(Quinn looks beseechingly at Jake.)

JAKE: And I'm, um, afraid I have to go with your mother on this one, honey.

(Quinn turns to Daria.)

DARIA: Don't look at me.

(Beat)

QUINN: Dammit!!! You're all against me! All of you!!! (makes fists and hits the couch with them.)

HELEN: Quinn... (gives up trying to reason with her, and instead, beholds her intense response with a mystified expression. finally heaves a big sigh.) Never mind, we'll talk some more later. (Bt) Daria? Could I see you alone for a minute?

DARIA: I assume "no"'s not a valid response?

(Helen shakes her head, then nods toward the kitchen. She and Daria leave Quinn still sobbing and Jake looking over her. Once in the kitchen: )

HELEN: Look, I have to be honest. I'm starting to feel like this cheerleading business isn't good for Quinn.

DARIA: Starting? My feeling's nearly run a 10K.

HELEN: (continuing) And I'll continue to insist that she not go to the Big Game. (Bt. cocks an eyebrow) But you know as well as I do that Quinn does what she wants.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid. resigned) No arguments, here.

HELEN: And so I'm hoping that if she does somehow make it to the game, you'll be there to keep an eye on her.

(Beat)

DARIA: You really think I can do anything?

HELEN: Of course you can. (Bt) Just try to make sure she doesn't hurt herself, all right?

(Beat. Daria sighs.)

DARIA: (weary) Sure. (Bt) But I hope this doesn't mean I'm to blame if something does go wrong...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, the next morning)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn's door as seen from the inside. It's slightly ajar. Through the crack, we see Daria walking down the hall, dressed in her pajamas. She stops, peers through the door, and blinks with astonishment. Cut to her POV: We see Quinn's bed, the covers drawn back and a couple of ice bags strewn about. The cheerleading stuff which was hanging nearby is missing, and Quinn herself is nowhere to be seen. Resume shot of Daria. Her face takes on a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: Surprise, surprise...

(fade-out. fade-into: )

SCENE 5 (Cumberland High football field, around noon)

(Overhead shot: We can see that the stands are already pretty packed, and that it's nearly game time. The football players from both teams are being revved up by their coaches on the sidelines. The cheerleaders are also on the sidelines, warming up. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, walking toward the stands. They stop to observe Quinn, who's giving instructions to the other cheerleaders.)

DARIA: Well, there she is.

JANE: Ooh, she looks bad.

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's perfectly done-up in her cheerleader's uniform, but her face is pale and haggard, as if she hasn't slept. She talks to the cheerleaders in a voice that strains to sound enthusiastic, but nevertheless has an edge.)

DARIA: (off screen) I'll say.

(Finally Quinn finishes her speech and the other cheerleaders disperse. She stands there, ramrod straight, teetering like a straw in the breeze. Daria and Jane go over to her.)

DARIA: Quinn.

(Quinn jerks her head around. Her mouth trembles, but she looks defiant.)

QUINN: Leave me alone, Daria! I'm staying at the game.

DARIA: Okay, fine. But let me give you some advice.

QUINN: What?!

DARIA: Pull up your shirt. Your bra strap is showing.

(Quinn looks down abruptly and takes Daria's advice. Daria shakes her head and walks away, with Jane following.)

JANE: So you're not gonna stop her?

DARIA: How? Drug her and smuggle her home in a laundry bag? (Bt) Besides, she looks like she'll collapse after the first few plays. I'll wait 'til then.

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: 'Kay. Let's go find seats...

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jodie sitting in the middle section of the bleachers. We see Brittany approaching hesitantly. Jodie looks up at her.)

JODIE: (slightly peeved) Why aren't you with your Fashion Club pals?

(Brittany flops down beside her.)

BRITTANY: I don't think I wanna hang out with them anymore, Jodie. It's not that they're not nice, but I'm tired of only caring about clothes an' hair an' make-up. (Bt) Did you know they're afraid of exercise???

JODIE: (can't keep from smiling) Really?

BRITTANY: Yeah. They think walking to school's a big deal!

(Jodie chuckles.)

JODIE: That sounds pretty extreme.

BRITTANY: Uh-huh. (Bt) And it's not just that. I also don't think I like myself when I'm with them. I feel like a really icky mean person.

JODIE: (comprehending murmur) Hmmm...

BRITTANY: 'Specially yesterday, when I got in that fight with Quinn. I shouldn't've said that stuff to her about not knowing how to do the splits. Lots of people don't.

JODIE: Is that so?

BRITTANY: Yeah. (Bt) I mean, maybe Quinn really does deserve to be head cheerleader. She's really smart, an' she can even do splits without falling over or anything!

(Beat)

JODIE: (surprised) So wait... you're saying you'd be willing to walk away and leave Quinn to be head cheerleader? After all you've been through?

(Beat)

BRITTANY: I guess so.

JODIE: But what'll you do?

(Beat)

BRITTANY: I'm not sure. (Bt) My stepmom's set me up with some modeling jobs, so I guess that's good enough for now.

(Jodie shakes her head, smiling.)

JODIE: Yeah, you'll survive. (Bt. looks down at the sidelines. furrows her brow.) Only I can't say the same for Quinn. She doesn't look so good...

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's standing in the same ramrod position as she was before. Shana comes up to her.)

LISA: (concerned) Quinn, are you feeling all right?

QUINN: (clipped) I'm fine. Why?

LISA: Well, you look sort of pale.

(Quinn tries to laugh it off)

QUINN: Oh, that's just because I didn't sleep much. Too excited about the game.

LISA: Oh. (Bt) So you wanna come and lead the rest of us in our first cheer?

(Pause. Quinn tries to think of a good excuse. She can't, and wilts a little.)

QUINN: Oh... uh... I'm still a little tired. Why don't you do it... an' I'll join you later?

(Lisa looks at her with concern and perhaps a glimmer of disappointment.)

LISA: All right. (leaves)

(Quinn looks even more gloomy as she watches her go.)

QUINN: (subdued) I'm sorry.

(She heaves a sigh. Pause. Then suddenly, from off screen: )

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi, Quinn!/ Hi, Quinn!/ Hi, Quinn!

(They appear in front of her, grinning and in uniform. Quinn can barely look pleased to see them.)

QUINN: Hi, guys.

JOEY: Would ya wish us luck before the game starts?

JEFFY: How 'bout a kiss?

JAMIE: You can plant one right here. (offers her a cheek)

(Quinn cringes.)

QUINN: Ewww! Get away from me! I feel sick.

(Beat. The 3 Js glance at each other, concerned.)

JOEY: You're sick, Quinn?

JEFFY: You wanna sit down?

JAMIE: You wanna lie down?

(They reach toward her. Quinn shakes them off.)

QUINN: No! Don't touch me! I'll be all right, just leave me alone!

(The 3 Js look at each other again, hesitant. Finally they shrug and run off. Quinn watches them go, looking even more remorseful than she did before. Pause. Suddenly, we hear another voice off screen: )

STACY: (timid) Um, hi Quinn.

(Quinn turns to look at her, surprised.)

QUINN: Stacy?

(Pause. Stacy approaches sheepishly.)

STACY: Um, I just wanted to tell you that you look really nice in your uniform.

(Pause. Quinn searches for sarcasm in her remark. Doesn't find any.)

QUINN: You do?

STACY: Yeah. That shade of blue goes really well with your hair.

(Pause. Again, Quinn waits for some nasty barb to accompany the compliment. Doesn't get any. Smiles a small, grateful smile.)

QUINN: Thanks, Stacy.

(Stacy smiles timidly in return.)

STACY: You're welcome. (Bt) Well, I'd better be getting back. Good luck. (waves, and leaves.)

(Quinn waves, too, then gets a depressed look on her face.)

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Sandi and Tiffany sitting in the stands. Sandi's looking down and glowering, while Tiffany looks slightly peeved herself.)

SANDI: God, could these bleachers be any more disgusting?? They're probably ruining the back of my halter dress.

TIFFANY: I didn't build them, Sandi.

SANDI: And where's Stacy, anyway??

TIFFANY: Do I look like her keeper, or something?

(Sandi glares at her.)

SANDI: What's your problem??

TIFFANY: Nothing.

(Beat)

SANDI: Ever since I promoted you, all I've been getting is attitude. It's like the power's gone to your head or something.

TIFFANY: I'm just stating my opinions, Sandi.

SANDI: Yeah?? Well who says I wanted them??

(Pause)

TIFFANY: (slightly irritated) Gee, Sandi, I guess I thought since you promoted me, you were interested in having a different kind of working relationship.

SANDI: What kind of working relationship??

(Beat)

TIFFANY: One where we... um... (too reluctant to spit out the words.)

(Beat)

SANDI: Maybe you were interested in a different relationship. (Bt) I was fine with the way things were.

(Pause. Tiffany glowers and doesn't respond. Suddenly Stacy reappears and sits down beside them.)

STACY: Hi, you guys. Don't the cheerleaders look cute today?

SANDI: (snarling) We are not talking about Quinn!!!

(Stacy goes pale in the face of Sandi's megabitch tone. Then she and Tiffany exchange irritated frowns. fade-out.)

(Fade-in to close-up shot of the scoreboard, revealing the passage of a little more than an hour. The game is close, and it's nearly halftime. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Jane's into the game, while Daria looks bored and distracted.)

JANE: (best announcer imitation) The game is close, folks. It's Cumberland up by less than a touchdown over Lawndale. Lawndale has one more shot to get ahead before we break for halftime. Will this be Kevin Thompson's finest hour?? Will he drive his team from their own thirty?? Daria? What d' you think?

DARIA: (peevish) Knock it off. You know I don't go for this football crap.

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Okay, okay. (Bt) You looking at Quinn?

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) I can't believe she's still standing.

(Jane looks, frowns.)

JANE: Geez, yeah. I don't think drill sergeants have that much stamina.

DARIA: Wish I could say that means she's feeling well...

(Cut to shot of Quinn. More than an hour in the sun hasn't been good to her. She looks pale and worn-out, not to mention depressed -- she hasn't participated in a single cheer. Suddenly Angie comes up to her.)

ANGIE: Quinn! Before our last play, the girls 'n' I are gonna do the pyramid to rally the crowd. Are you in?

(Pause. Finally Quinn takes a deep breath and nods.)

QUINN: Yeah.

(Quinn glances briefly at her glasses, which are lying on a nearby bench. She considers whether to put them on, then decides against it. Walks slowly and stiffly toward the other cheerleaders, who are grouping together to form the base of the pyramid. Quinn's going to be the pinnacle. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, noticing this.)

JANE: What's she doing?

(Beat. Daria's eyes widen.)

DARIA: She's gonna do the pyramid.

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's ever-so-slowly climbing up the backs of the other cheerleaders, wincing all the while. She then stands shakily on two girls' shoulders. All of the cheerleaders in the pyramid raise themselves up, until Quinn's standing nearly ten feet off the ground. For several seconds, Quinn is sure she's going to fall over, and she stays in a crouched position. Then, once she realizes she's defying gravity, she slowly straightens up, letting her awe of the experience overtake her discomfort. She tentatively spreads her pom-poms in the air. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: Well look at that. (Bt) You think she might faint?

DARIA: If she does, at least there's an ambulance in the parking lot.

(Cut to shot of the pyramid. We hear the crowd cheer loudly at the sight of it. Quinn spreads her arms even further apart, a full-fledged smirk on her face. The approval, combined with the floating sensation, give her a feeling of elation.)

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of the football field. The time out which the Lions took is over, and Kevin is now about to execute the last play of the half. He's cornered by two big defensive lineman, who provide him with no choice but to throw a Hail Mary pass to the end zone. Unfortunately, this being Kevin, his pass is in no way successful. It flies way off it's mark, over to the sidelines, toward the pyramid. We hear shouts from the crowd, "Look out!")

(Cut to shot of the pyramid. Quinn and the other cheerleaders turn to look. Even if Quinn were wearing her glasses, it's doubtful she'd see the ball soon enough to get out of the way. The ball knocks loose one of her pom-poms, sending her off-balance. For a few seconds Quinn wobbles back and forth, then falls backward. The crowd gasps. We see that her fall is broken up only slightly by the other cheerleaders. She hits the ground and lies there in a stupor.)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Like the rest of the crowd, they've leapt to their feet. Daria's so shocked she can't even cry out. Cut to shot of Jodie and Brittany. Both are also stunned. Brittany claps a hand to her mouth. Cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. Even Sandi's in shock.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's now dazed and moaning, and clutching her right arm. The other cheerleaders, unharmed, and some of the football players are gathering around her.)

ANGIE: Quinn! Quinn, say something!

(Pause)

QUINN: Ughhh... ughhhhhh... so... embarrassing.....

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, early evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn's room. Quinn's lying in bed, looking pale and half-asleep. Her right arm is in a cast, and although we can't see it, she's got ice bags between her legs again. Helen and Daria are standing over her. Helen looks cross and insistent.)

HELEN: ... You're lucky that's all you broke! (Bt) Quinn, as soon as you're up and around you're quitting the cheerleading team! Do you hear me?! Quitting!

(Quinn lifts her head briefly from the pillow and gazes at her mom with an uncomprehending expression. Doesn't respond. Daria turns to Helen.)

DARIA: Mom, I think you'd better let me pull out the big guns.

(Helen, seeing that she isn't getting anywhere with Quinn, sighs and nods.)

HELEN: All right. (she leaves them alone)

(Pause. After she's gone, Quinn shows some signs of life.)

QUINN: (feeble, but resolute) I'm not quitting.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Plan to hold out 'til you're in traction?

(Pause. Quinn's expression is sober. She doesn't respond.)

DARIA: (concerned) Quinn, why're you doing this to yourself? I mean what're you trying to prove?

(Pause. Daria waits for a reply, then decides to try again.)

DARIA: Okay, so maybe the answer's obvious. But humor me.

(Quinn continues to lie there silently. The silence lasts so long that Daria thinks she's not going to respond. Cocks an eyelid and turns to leave. Then: )

QUINN: (feeble) Daria? (Bt) I know 'cause I wear glasses now you want me to be some kind of brain.

(Pause. Daria looks at her and blinks a couple of times, stunned by her bluntness and insight.)

QUINN: (reflective) I can't blame you, 'cause sometimes I think I wouldn't mind being a brain. (Bt) I mean I kind of like getting good grades 'n' stuff. (Pause) But then I get scared that people at school'd stop liking me, an' I'd be some loser nobody. (Bt) How d' you cope with that, Daria?

(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid. Because she can tell Quinn isn't trying to demean her, she decides to respond seriously.)

DARIA: Me? (Bt) I don't, really.

QUINN: What d' you mean?

DARIA: I mean I'm happy enough with my own stuff that I don't need to worry what others think of me.

QUINN: You mean that reading an' writing stuff you do?

DARIA: Yep.

(Pause)

QUINN: You have to be alone a lot to do that stuff, don't you?

(Beat)

DARIA: Well, being alone does help you think better. So yeah.

(Pause. Quinn looks sort of depressed by her words.)

QUINN: I don't like being alone. It's so... lonely. (Bt) No one to be with but yourself. (Pause. worried) But what if you don't like yourself, Daria? I don't always like myself.

DARIA: Neither do I. (Bt. smirks) Myself, I mean.

QUINN: But when I'm with other people, they, like, make me feel really good about myself. They're always complimenting me an' asking me out an' wanting my advice...

DARIA: Like the cheerleaders?

QUINN: Yeah. 'Cause I'm head cheerleader, the other girls treat me like I'm really important. Even when I'm wearing my glasses. (Bt) An' all the kids at school look up to me an' think I'm really cool. I don't want that to stop.

DARIA: (comprehending. wearing a slight frown.) Hmmm...

QUINN: I think I like how they see me better than how I see me.

(Pause)

DARIA: I understand. (Bt) But hey, you know something? I bet if you tried, you'd find that you're just as happy without all these people around as you are with them.

QUINN: I would?

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) I mean try being alone sometime. You might find you like it. (Bt) You'd learn all kinds of cool stuff about yourself that no outside person could ever know.

(Quinn's face brightens momentarily.)

QUINN: Really?? (Pause. then it falls. Suddenly she looks very tired, and speaks in a weary, resigned tone.) I don't know... maybe you have. But I don't know if I'd find anything cool... in me. I don't know if I'm ready... to try that yet. Maybe... in a few years... but not.... (yawns and blinks sleepily)

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: (also resigned) So then you'll stick with cheerleading?

QUINN: Yeah... even though I don't like it that much... anymore. (Bt) It was fun for a while, but it's too much work... an' jumping up an' down really hurts (yawns) your hair.

DARIA: I see.

QUINN: The only club I liked... where I was popular... was the Fashion Club, and... I can't get back in.... (closes her eyes)

DARIA: You feeling all right?

(Pause)

QUINN: Uh-huh. (Pause) Think my medicine's... starting to work. (struggles to keep her eyes open, but it's a losing battle)

DARIA: Then I'll go away and let you rest.

(Pause)

QUINN: 'Kay. (Pause) Daria? Sorry... to disappoint... you. (she nods off)

(Daria watches her for a few seconds, wearing a resigned, yet sympathetic expression. Although she realizes that Quinn won't change her ways, she at least takes comfort in the fact that her sister does give a damn about what she thinks. She decides that, for now, that's good enough. Daria walks quietly to the door and leaves.)

(Cut to shot of her walking down the hall. From off screen: )

HELEN: Daria? Could you give us a hand, please?

(Daria walks over to the stairs, looks down, and freezes. Cut to her POV. The base of the stairs, as well as the living room and kitchen, are flooded with concerned students. Helen and Jake stand amongst them. Helen looks like she doesn't quite know what to do, while Jake is attempting to bond with some of the football players. He's got his old military school photos out. The football players eye him warily. Resume close-up of Daria.)

DARIA: (stunned) Um, it's a boy. (Pause. shakes her head.) I mean, I mean-um...

(Cut to shot of Brittany standing at the base of the stairs, with Kevin, Jodie, and Mack.)

BRITTANY: Daria, how's Quinn doing??

DARIA: Um, she's fine. (Bt) But if you want to see her, you'll have to wait. She's asleep.

(The crowd murmurs comprehendingly, but makes no move to budge. Helen takes a stab at being the good hostess.)

HELEN: So? Who wants something to drink?

(Her question is met with a loud chorus of "Me!"s, which nearly knocks her to the ground. She wasn't expecting that large a response. Meanwhile, cut to shot of the cheerleaders gathered around the right hand couch. They appear resigned.)

HEATHER: So how're we gonna tell her?

(Angie shakes her head.)

ANGIE: I don't know, but we have to.

LISA: Yeah. We've only been thinking about ourselves this whole time. We have to do what's right for Quinn.

ANGIE: Watching her cheer's like watching a cute red sports car get painted beige. It's awful, and it wasn't meant to be.

(The other cheerleaders nod. While this is going on, cut to shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany on the other side of the room. Sandi looks at the other F.C.s and cocks an eyebrow.)

SANDI: My heart's not made of stone, all right??

(Stacy and Tiffany exchange encouraged glances.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (school hallway, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane walking Quinn to her locker on her first day back -- Daria's doing this as a favor to Helen. Quinn walks stiffly and slowly, but without any obvious discomfort.)

DARIA: Can we go, now?

QUINN: Yes, yes! I'm not gonna fall over, or anything. (suddenly sees her locker. face lights up.) Oh look! Who could've done that??

(She walks over. We see that her locker's surrounded by balloons and other get-well mementos. Quinn eyes them appreciatively.)

QUINN: (chipper) Gosh, people can't seem to stop giving me things. Isn't that cool?

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah.

(She rolls her eyes, and Jane smirks sardonically. Suddenly we see Brittany dart on screen and engulf Quinn in a big hug. Because of her injuries, Quinn can't keep from cringing.)

BRITTANY: Quinn!

QUINN: Uh-uh... B-Brittany?

(Brittany draws back and starts twirling a lock of hair.)

BRITTANY: I've been worried sick about you the whole weekend!

QUINN: You have?

BRITTANY: Yeah. (Bt) That was a really awful thing that happened to you on Saturday. It's something all cheerleaders fear. An' during the whole time I was head cheerleader, I only saw it twice.

QUINN: Really? (Bt) What happened to the other girls?

(Beat)

BRITTANY: Well I just kinda learned how to suck boiled carrots through a straw. (Bt) But when the other girl got hurt, I got all the cheerleaders together an' we had a big talk about the right way to do a pyramid. (Bt) It was working, 'til Kevvy's ball... (gestures sheepishly at Quinn's arm)

(Beat)

QUINN: But that wasn't the other cheerleaders' fault. They did everything right. (Pause. surprised) Gosh, so you were the one who taught them what to do?

BRITTANY: I guess so.

(Beat)

QUINN: (impressed, in spite of herself) That's really neat of you, Brittany.

BRITTANY: Thanks. (Bt) But I'm sure you'll do an even better job.

QUINN: Um... yeah. (eyes trail away uncomfortably)

(long Pause.)

QUINN: Aw hell. (Bt. sighs a big sigh.) Brittany, tell the other cheerleaders that it was really great hanging out with them an' getting to be head cheerleader an' all, but I quit.

BRITTANY: (eyes widening with disbelief) You do??

QUINN: Yeah. (Bt) Tell them I asked for you to take over the job again.

(Beat)

BRITTANY: (thrilled) Oooooooooooh!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! (grabs Quinn in such a tight hug that Quinn winces with pain)

QUINN: (breathless) Don't... mention it.

BRITTANY: You're the nicest person ever!!!

QUINN: Uh-huh... um, thanks. Now go on.

(Brittany releases her and runs off. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane have been watching this scene with mild disbelief.)

JANE: (hushed) Wow, a selfless gesture from Quinn. Never thought I'd see the day.

DARIA: Yeah. She just gave away her lifetime pass to popularity.

JANE: Say, do you think that means she'll --

DARIA: I wouldn't bet on it. (Bt) Besides, look who's headed this way. (points down the hall)

(From off screen: )

SANDI: Quinn!

(We see Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany walk on screen and gather around Quinn. Daria and Jane move out of the way to make room, standing near the corner of the hallway . Quinn gazes at the F.C.s with astonishment and some wariness.)

SANDI: (authoritative) Feeling better?

QUINN: Um, yeah.

SANDI: Good. 'Cause I have something to say. (Pause. Quinn's eyes widen a little.) Quinn, seeing you flopped over on the ground like a poor helpless loser has made me rethink your status with the Fashion Club.

(Beat)

QUINN: It-it has?? I mean -- you have??

(Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other triumphantly. Daria and Jane exchange skeptical looks.)

SANDI: No former member of the Fashion Club should be put in a position where she humiliates herself like that. (Bt) And so, even though your glasses are a fashion don't, I've decided to let you back in.

(Quinn's face lights up.)

QUINN: You have??!!

STACY: Isn't that great, Quinn??

SANDI: On probation. (Bt) So as of today, you're officially re-instated.

(She reaches over to shake Quinn's hand, but sees it's partially covered by the cast. Gives a curt nod, instead.)

QUINN: Sandi, I don't know what to say.

SANDI: You don't have to say anything. Your gratitude's enough. (Pause) Only, there's one more thing.

QUINN: What?

(Beat)

SANDI: Since Tiffany's vice-president, now, you can't go back to your old position. And I might make Brooke coordinating officer. So I'll have to slide you in somewhere below Stacy.

(Beat. Quinn's joy fades a little. Stacy looks at Sandi with vague concern. Daria nods slowly to Jane.)

QUINN: Oh really? (Bt) Um, what's below Stacy?

SANDI: I'm not sure. (Bt) Maybe the person who carries our clothes while we're out shopping.

QUINN: Oh.

(Beat)

STACY: Now Sandi, um, maybe... (halts when she sees Sandi cock a threatening eyebrow at her.)

QUINN: (trying to sound enthusiastic) No really, Stacy, that's okay. (Bt) Thanks, Sandi. (Pause. realizes she's lucky to even be in the Fashion Club. with more gratitude.) Thanks.

(Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other. Obviously this wasn't what Stacy had in mind. As for Tiffany -- no way would she give up her position as vice-president, but she didn't expect Quinn to be put so low on the totem pole, either. They both decide to take the plunge and go with Plan B.)

STACY: Um, Sandi?

SANDI: Yes??

(Beat)

STACY: Um, actually, there's one thing you sort of forgot.

(Pause. Sandi cocks a brow expectantly.)

TIFFANY: We still haven't had our election. (Bt) For the presidency.

STACY: Um yeah. (Bt) Quinn got kicked out before Tiffany and I could cast our votes.

SANDI: So what?

(Stacy and Tiffany look at her sheepishly. Suddenly Sandi gets it. Her face grows pale.)

SANDI: What're you saying??!

(Quinn's watches them, her face slowly brightening. Meanwhile, Daria turns to Jane.)

DARIA: Well I think we know how this'll end up. (Bt) C'mon.

(She turns the corner and walks away. Jane follows with extreme reluctance.)

JANE: But don't you want to watch the rest??

DARIA: No. (Bt) I've seen enough backstabbing to last me a lifetime.

JANE: Or at least 'til the nighttime soaps. (Pause. shrugs) Well looks like your sister's on top again. (Bt) Think not being head cheerleader'll make her lose any admirers?

DARIA: Maybe. (Bt. cocks an amused, resigned eyelid.) But if I know Quinn, she'll find a way to get them back.

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Hi Quinn!/ Hi Quinn!/ Hi Quinn!

(Daria smirks.)

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

I spoke too soon when I said that "Andrea Speaks!" was my most difficult fanfic to write -- "Cheered Down" takes the prize. The plot line gave me endless headaches, mainly because there were so many possibilities to work with. As you might have guessed from the Ten Spot Promo, I originally envisioned this fic to be much campier. I mean, a fic with cheerleaders -- how could you not have some fun? I had many silly little scenes planned, but once I drew up an outline for the fic, I found that most would not fit smoothly into the framework. So I had to get out the old scissors...

Even without these scenes, the outline for "Cheered Down" was still really convoluted. For instance, I'd planned for the scene where Quinn's whining about her splits injury to be the last one in Act II. I had also envisioned a more proactive role for Daria; originally, she was going to create a charter for a second Fashion Club and persuade Stacy and Tiffany to join. But I soon saw that that'd take way too much time. Anyway, I feel pleased with how things ended up in the final draft -- i.e. with Sandi having a rare change of heart. I mean, why wouldn't she be just as moved by Quinn's fall as other people?

Overall, I'm fairly pleased with the way this turned out. It may feel too rushed, or too busy, and it may not have exploited the campy aspects of cheerleading as much as it could have, but it accomplished its main goal: it provided a fairly complex view of Quinn.

All right, I'll come out of the closet and confess: I'm a Quinn-ophile. Damn, I like the little nibblet, warts and all. [Note: nibblet -- meaning a cute, appealing creature. Derived from Nibblett, Danny Bronstein's last name for Stacy. Original meaning: timid, shy creature. Let's keep the name alive, people!] I think we the fans have too much of a tendency to view Quinn through Daria's eyes, and thus see her as shallow, and often stupid. This fic aims to play up some of her other qualities, ones I haven't seen too much in fanfiction. In particular, her competitiveness...

Would Quinn be as tenacious as I have her be in this fic? Maybe not, but there's strong evidence to suggest that she would. In both "The Daria Hunter" and "Pierce Me," she came across as very hard-nosed. In "Pierce Me," all she cared about was beating Sandi in a non-competitive fashion show, and we saw how obsessed she became with that -- like a gymnast preparing for the Olympics. Imagine if Quinn had something serious at stake. In "Cheered Down," she believes that her popularity hinges on her being head cheerleader, and thus will go to any length to keep that position. Including, gasp, sweat...

Another thing I sought to do was show that Quinn could be a good leader, if given the opportunity. Judging from the effect her charisma has on people, as well as the can-do attitude she exhibits in "Pierce Me" and "Monster" (when she's counseling people about their pores), I'd say the gal is dictator material. Just kidding... or am I? But still, I could easily see people huddled around her, treating her like some guru, as the cheerleaders did in Act I...

On a final note, because Quinn is now a leader in my parallel universe, let me comment on my deviations from the show's structure. Firstly, although I never intended to have Quinn be head cheerleader for more than one episode, I do plan to have her be Fashion Club president for several episodes. It's my belief that that's what will happen anyway -- Quinn can't go on forever saying "Oh, no" whenever Sandi half-jokingly suggests she be president. Secondly, Quinn will continue to wear her glasses, although they won't be a big issue as they have been to this point. And as I mentioned in the postscript for "Andrea Speaks!", I plan to keep things as pretty close to normal as possible.

I'm afraid I'll be leaving Sandi's fate on a bit of a cliff-hanger, because my two-parter (which I'll be taking a month off or so to write) addresses just the Barksdale family, and nothing more...

Now, on to points of interest............

Sisterly bonding: In Act III, Daria and Quinn finally have a heart-to-heart! Daria actually feels a glimmer of respect for Quinn! Again, I don't know if this is how it would be on the show, but I hope so. I see potential for sisterly bonding in the upcoming episodes "Jake of Hearts" and "Speedtrapped." Whoops, I shouldn't've said that. Now the opposite will probably happen...

Brittany: Firstly, before I forget, I have to pay homage to Peter Guerin for being the first fanfic author to have Brittany join the Fashion Club. Only in his scenario, it actually works out. :-) Secondly, I must confess that prior to writing this fanfic, I wasn't too keen on Brittany as a character. Not that I hated her, but I thought she was way over-exposed in the first half of Season Three. But as I was writing "Cheered Down," I realized that Brittany could be a fun character to watch if she were put in a new situation, one where she wasn't just bugging Daria.

It seemed natural to me that Brittany would be rivals with Quinn at some point. They both have a lot in common, in that they're popular, good-looking, and into guys. In fact, I'm surprised we haven't seen them rub shoulders (or lock horns) more often in the episodes. "The Lab Brat" and "Fair Enough" go the farthest in showing how Brittany could feel threatened by Quinn. In any case, it's an interesting scenario, one that I hope comes up in the future.

I originally set out in this fic to show the difference between shallowness (on Quinn's part) and true bimbo-ness (on Brittany's part). What I ended up with was a situation where Brittany was nearly as devious as Quinn, but her niceness prevented her from being a true back-stabber. Part of the reason for this transition came from my visit to MTV's Brittany web site. There, I got the impression that Brittany's really good at what she knows how to do, just like Quinn. She's just lacking everywhere else. :-)

Now, onto Sandi: Many people take it as a given that she'd be as nasty to Quinn as she is in this fic, but let me put it into perspective. She nearly lost her position to our little nibblet in "Andrea Speaks!", and since then, has had to listen to Stacy talk about how much she misses her. Furthermore, she has to deal with Quinn being in a position (head cheerleader) which probably has more prestige attached than her own!

Also, Quinn's near-coup in "Andrea Speaks!" has left Sandi feeling vulnerable -- which is probably the main reason why she promoted Tiffany to vice-president. Tiffany's been such a yes-man, Sandi assumes she won't pose a threat. Wrong. Like Heather Duke after Heather Chandler bit the dust, Tiffany starts asserting herself more once she gets the extra power. I don't know if the real Tiffany would be like that, but I don't see why not. However, I don't think she would ever try to make herself president; she doesn't seem that assertive. That's why I had her and Stacy gravitate toward Quinn at the end of "Cheered Down," instead of electing one of themselves.

One final note, on Quinn's math teacher, Mr. Phelps: I didn't introduce a whole new teacher to Lawndale High without plans for using him. :-)

And now, on to the games............ whoopee!!

Laaaaaaa, I went the trivia route in my last fanfic and posed a bunch of questions from "The Tie That Chokes." They were:

What was Amy doing that prevented her from attending Erin's housewarming? 

What did Helen destroy after she got a taste of Amy's chummy relationship with Daria? 

What was the subject of Helen's "lecture flashbacks"? 

When the Fashion Club first meets Amy, what gets them ticked off? 

What type of dessert does Upchuck get a face-full of after he hits on Amy? 

Weeeell, Bob Marley, a longtime visitor to Lawndale Commons, stepped up to the plate and answered these ones. His responses are:

She was jet skiing. (Something, no doubt, the lovable munchkins on this season's "Real World: Hawaii" will do at some point. Let's just hope they don't do it naked...) 

Chopsticks. (Ack -- drag this woman away. She could be dangerous!) 

Feminism, of course. (Or, as Bob aptly pointed out, bourgeois, neo-democrat feminism. C'mon, from Helen, did you expect anything else??) 

The site of many, many Cashman's bags -- a sure sign that our dear Quinn went back on her word that she wouldn't go shopping without the F.C. 

Flan. (The jiggly, feel-goody custard dessert, introduced via an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch.") 

Thanks, Bob! You did well........ :-)

Now, this time around, I've decided to put the games on temporary -- or perhaps permanent -- hiatus. During the time I'm working on my two-parter, if I get an overwhelming response in favor of keeping the games alive, I'll post new trivia questions in the postscript of Part Two. If not, then I'll bury them, sniff, and try to think of something to take their place...

Acknowledgements: Just want to thank all of you who gave me music suggestions that didn't quite make the cut -- C.E. Forman, Bob Marley, and Kathleen Becker. And I'd also like to thank MTV for doing something right for once -- creating the Brittany web site. I found it surprisingly informative.

If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

With a hey and a rah and a shish-boom-bah, we're done. Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright July 1999. All rights reserved. 


	7. None in the Family, Part One

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the seventh fic in my chronology, and the first of two parts. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!" and "Cheered Down." 

I'd give it a 2S rating.......

First, let me say that in order to fully understand the references made in this two-parter, you'd be wise to read "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say," if you haven't already done so. A lot of what happens here builds on what took place in those two fanfics.

Second, I want to thank C.E. Forman for letting me make some tie-ins to his fic, "Alienation Legacy." References to the "funeral," Aunt Ellie, and the inheritance, come from that fic.

Plus, unintentionally, I've used the same technique for the first part of my two-parter as C.E. Forman did for "Rain on Your Parade": the voice-over from the present. Oh well, consider it my homage. :-)

Whoo... I've been a long time away, and it's good to be back. Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: The spy woman is sitting in the chair, flatly refusing to let herself be tape-recorded. The official-looking man stares at her, and she stares back. Ooh, that one's intense...

[intro theme music...................]

NONE IN THE FAMILY PART ONE: THE OLD MAN byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (a residential sidewalk, late Saturday afternoon)

(Close-up shot of Jane, dressed in her workout get-up, jogging leisurely down the sidewalk. Suddenly,from off screen, we hear the squealing of tires. Jane cringes a little, but before she can turn to look, a blue car that's supposed to be a Lexus, but looks nothing like one, roars past. Jane stops and watches with amazement as it speeds away.)

JANE: (hushed) Geez, Grandma's house must've been hell. They weren't s'posed to get back 'til tomorrow.

(She frowns a "I wonder what's up?", shrugs, and goes into a full sprint over to the Morgendorffer house.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house)

(Shot of the driveway, where we see that the car has come to a very crooked stop. As Jane is sprinting over, Jake leaps out and slams his door so hard the entire car shakes. His face bright red, he makes fists and shakes them in the air.)

JAKE: Gah dammit!!!!!

(Jane cringes, slows down, and comes to a stop a short distance away from Jake, who seems oblivious to everything but his own rage.)

JAKE: (to an invisible person) What d' you think of me now huh?!!! What d' you think of that?!!! (gestures at the car, as if something significant has come from it.)

JANE: (hushed) Whew boy.

(Pause. Jake picks up on Jane's presence, and, enraged, barrels over to her. Jane looks freaked, but doesn't move. Jake stands over her.)

JAKE: Does this look like the face of someone who's INCOMPETENT?!! A loser?!! A wimp?!! A crybaby?!!

JANE: Um, no way. (Bt) You're all man, Mr. Morgendorffer.

JAKE: (with some satisfaction) Darn right, I am! (Bt. to the invisible person) HA! Did you hear that?!! I'm right this time! I'm RIGHT!!

(He then turns and runs off screen into the house. Jane watches him go, looking relieved and bewildered. We hear the sound of the front door slamming shut. Pause.)

JANE: (hushed) Call 911. The man's about to blow.

(Pause. We hear the soft sound of one of the back doors of the car slowly opening. Jane whirls around to look, surprised: she'd thought Jake was alone. We then hear the sound of the other back door opening, and see Daria and Quinn stumble out of the car, looking trashed.)

JANE: Daria?

(Daria trudges over to her. Too weary to reply, she just smirks.)

JANE: You okay?

(Pause)

DARIA: (not quite with it) I'm fine. (Bt) A little whiplash never hurt anybody.

JANE: Hmph, your dad sure seems to think so. (Bt) Don't tell me this little joyride's his idea of "spending quality time with the girls."

(Quinn slithers over, utters a sharp laugh.)

QUINN: Good thing Mom didn't hear you say that.

(Beat)

JANE: (to Daria) Where is your mother?

DARIA: Still at Grandma's.

JANE: Uh-oh. (Bt) I take it not all is well in the House of Morgendorffer?

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) That's putting it mildly.

JANE: So what happened?

(Beat. Daria sighs.)

DARIA: It's a long, strange story. And if you want to hear it, you'll have to brave sharing the house with my dad. 'Cause there's no way I can stand here long enough to tell it.

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Sure, why not? (Bt) I could go for a little danger.

(Daria nods, too tired to come up with a suitable one-line response. She and Jane walk off screen, while Quinn continues to stand there.)

DARIA: (off screen) Quinn.

(Pause. Quinn still can't move, so Daria comes over and takes her by the arm. They walk off screen. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Daria's room)

(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, listening to the distant sound of Jake's ranting. Jane looks fascinated and disturbed, while Daria is her usual impassive self.)

JANE: So when you visited Grandma, was Grandpa Morgendorffer there, too?

DARIA: Nope -- he's dead. (Bt) We almost joined him an hour ago.

JANE: I thought you were gonna see your mother's mother.

DARIA: Grandma Barksdale? Yeah, we did. (Bt) Today's her fiftieth wedding anniversary.

JANE: You don't say. (Bt) Would that mean a certain Famous Aunt was there to see her?

DARIA: Amy was there. They all were -- Aunt Amy, Aunt Rita, Erin, Brian... Still are, for all I know. And all were on hand to witness my parents' supreme blow-up.

JANE: (wicked) Ooh, this is sounding more interesting by the minute. (Bt) Well fill me in -- I wanna know all the details!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (sardonic) Way to feel sympathy for me in my time of need.

JANE: Hey, if anyone needs sympathy, it's me. Damn, I wish I were a part of the Barksdale family.

DARIA: I can think of a few members who'd like to trade places with you. (Bt. sighs) Anyway, this whole thing started on the drive to Grandma's house...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (beginning of flashback, Saturday morning)

(Shot of the Lexus driving through Rutherford, the prosperous yet nondescript town of Helen's youth. Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting inside the car. We see that all four are dressed in some variety of semi-formal wear, even Daria. [Well actually, the only change Daria's made in her normal appearance is to wear the necklace well-known from her "Beavis & Butt-Head" days.] Everyone seems pretty calm, except for Helen.)

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) Mom was in one of her moods -- cutting down Grandma while thinking of ways to butter her up so she'd give us some of her money.

HELEN: (tense. irritated) Yes, I'll admit that a fiftieth wedding anniversary is a milestone for any marriage, but not when both members of the couple aren't there to celebrate it. (Bt) Dad's been dead for twelve years -- who does she think she is?? (falsetto) "Oh, you must come, Helen. It's your family duty." Well damn her idea of family duty...

(Beat)

DARIA: You really know how to set a good example, Mom.

HELEN: (oblivious. to Jake) My only hope is that by being there, Mother will see what two lovely girls we've raised an be willing to free us of the financial burden they've put us under.

DARIA: And your flattery moves me to tears.

HELEN: Daria, Quinn: be on your best behavior. Show Grandma all the wonderful qualities we see in you every day.

JAKE: Huh?

(Daria rolls her eyes at Helen's advice. Helen looks at Jake, annoyed.)

HELEN: And as for you, Jake: while we're there, let me do most of the talking, all right??

JAKE: What for?

HELEN: What for?? (rolls her eyes, as if the answer's obvious.) Because every time we see my family, you manage to get your foot caught in your mouth and can never get it out!

JAKE: Oh. (to himself, bewildered) Every time...?

(Beat)

QUINN: (chipper. wearing one of her serene smirks) Can I tell Grandma 'bout how I was head cheerleader for a while an' then got made president of the Fashion Club? I think she'd really like that.

(Daria rolls her eyes again.)

HELEN: Of course you can. (Bt. wicked) Just as long as you say it in front of Aunt Rita, dear.

(Cut to brief outside shot. The Lexus is now traveling down a residential street, past houses that seem well-suited for The Great Gatsby's East Egg. The houses, built in Colonial or Tudor styles, say "rich" without flaunting it. Resume inside shot.)

QUINN: I love talking to Grandma.

DARIA: Well that makes one of us.

HELEN: Daria!

DARIA: (patient) Mom, it's a well-known fact that Grandma hates the sound of my voice. She says it depresses her. And who am I to make that poor woman suffer?

(Now Helen rolls her eyes.)

HELEN: Oh honestly, Daria, sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with you...

DARIA: Leave me home during our next family outing?

(Before Helen can reply, Jake breaks in, on a different track.)

JAKE: (to Helen. enthused) Boy, it's a shame your dad won't be here to celebrate with us. (Bt) Girls, Grandpa Barksdale was quite the man: firm, upright, commanding --

HELEN: (hushed) Not again...

JAKE: -- always knew the right thing to do.

DARIA: (deadpan) A real American hero.

JAKE: That's right! (Bt. gets a crazed look on his face.) Not like some fathers who neglected their sons when they weren't mocking them and cutting them down -- !

(Helen, Quinn, and Daria just sit there, looking weary. Luckily Jake gets hold of himself.)

JAKE: (enthused) Nope. The old man was someone you could trust. I remember some of the good times we had --

HELEN: Good times?? Jake, my father couldn't stand you.

(Beat)

JAKE: (wilted) Well it was still better than what I had...

(Cut to outside shot. We see that the car is approaching a large white house trimmed with red brick. Resume inside shot.)

HELEN: (a trifle anxious) Well here we are. (Bt. frowns and shudders) And I can just tell from the tension in the air that Rita's already arrived.

DARIA: Get ready to watch the fur fly.

HELEN: (firm) Now remember, all of you: if Rita asks why we haven't been to see Erin and Brian in their new home, tell her you've been very, very busy. (Bt) I'll just say I've had meetings. (Bt. gets into a resentful mode.) Unlike some people, I have to earn a living. I don't just get free handouts from Mother --!

(Jake stops the car abruptly. Tries to change the subject.)

JAKE: Um gosh, honey, the old place still looks the same. Your mother's done a great job keeping it up all these years.

(Helen forgets her rage as she and the rest of the family climb out of the car.)

QUINN: I just hope it's not full of old people's things. That'd be, like, really depressing.

DARIA: Especially for the old person who lives here.

(They walk toward the front door. Suddenly it opens, and we see a tall, skinny man with sleepy eyes and a scraggly goatee leaning against the door frame.)

GUY: I hate to tell you this, but Mrs. Barksdale passed away a short time ago.

(Pause. The Morgendorffers stop dead in their tracks. Helen's face grows pale. Then the guy smiles a sneer-smile.)

GUY: Just kidding. She's inside.

(Pause. Daria and Quinn look at each other. Helen's mouth is open. She closes it abruptly and gets enraged.)

HELEN: Young man, how dare you --?!

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

RITA: Helen? Is that you?

(Rita appears in the doorway and puts an arm around the guy's waist, wearing the same girlish, adoring expression that she wore in "I Don't." Helen, of course, tries to suck in her disdain.)

HELEN: (faux sweet) Rita! It's so good to see you.

RITA: (also faux sweet) And you as well.

(Rita leans forward and she and Helen exchange blow kisses. Then Rita turns back to the guy and continues to look at him adoringly.)

RITA: I see you've met Jimmy. Isn't he a trip??

(Beat)

HELEN: (sarcastic laugh) Oh-ho-hmm. Yes. (sneer-smiles back at him.)

(Jake leans forward to shake Jimmy's hand. Jimmy does so begrudgingly.)

JAKE: Nice to meet ya, Jimmy m' man. The name's Jake.

HELEN: And, um, these are our girls -- Daria, Quinn. (shoves them forward. hasty) Who I'm sure really want to see their grandmother. (Bt) Come on, girls, let's go.

(Rita makes way, and Helen, Daria, and Quinn go hastily inside -- Daria cocking an eyelid all the while. Jake turns to Rita and gives her an exaggerated wink.)

JAKE: So, Rita, I guess this means you're over Paul, huh?

RITA: (blankly) Who?

(Beat)

JAKE: Y' know, Paul Myer -- (Pause) Aw, never mind. (sees Rita has completely erased him from memory.)

(Jake chuckles sheepishly and goes inside. Rita's boyfriend watches him with a sneering expression, and then he and Rita follow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (inside Grandma Barksdale's house)

(Pan across the front hallway and living room. We see that, indeed, the house is full of "old people's" things -- meaning antiques and many, many photographs in all kinds of gilt and wooden frames. The photographs seem to document nearly every aspect of Grandma Barksdale's life: her youth, her wedding, her marriage, her daughters in their infancy, childhood, adolescence, et cetera. The house has been extremely well-maintained, but it has an uncomfortable museum air to it.)

(The dining room is connected to the living room via a doorway. Cut to shot of the dining room. There, we see Grandma Barksdale sitting at the table with Erin and Brian, surrounded by platters of appetizers. Erin's in the process of chopping cucumber, while Grandma watches with a distinctly indulgent expression. Brian's slumped-over in his chair, looking sulky and bored. We then see Helen, Quinn, and Daria appear in the doorway.)

HELEN: (trying to sound sweet) Mother! (Bt) And Erin and Brian, you're here, too.

ERIN: Hi, Aunt Helen!

BRIAN: (no enthusiasm) Hey.

(Erin looks the same as she did in "I Don't," only she's ditched the wedding dress. One thing that we notice right away about her: she's got this giggly, girlish air that just screams "Stacy." She stops what she's doing and stands up as Helen is making her way over to Grandma Barksdale.)

GRANDMA: I'm glad to see you could make it, Helen. (Bt) Now there, that wasn't so hard, was it?

(Grandma Barksdale looks a little worn-down, but she carries herself with a dignified air. When Helen stands next to her, we can see there's a strong facial resemblance between them. They both speak with the same upper-crust twang in their voices, too.)

HELEN: What on earth are you talking about, Mother? (leans down and gives her a small hug and a kiss on the forehead.)

GRANDMA: I know you, Helen. First sign of a family obligation, and you use that old "meetings" excuse of yours.

(Helen laughs uneasily. Erin comes over and gives her a squeeze around the waist.)

ERIN: Oh, Grandma. (Bt) I'm sure Aunt Helen has a really good excuse for not visiting me and Brian.

(Just then, Jake comes in with Rita and Jimmy.)

JAKE: Yeah -- meetings! Lots and lots of meetings!

(Pause. Erin looks at him, surprised. Grandma gets a satisfied, "I told you so" expression, while Helen groans. Daria can't resist smirking.)

HELEN: Jake. Just be quiet.

JAKE: But I thought --

HELEN: Just let me do the talking, all right?? (Bt. to Erin, in a reassuring, cheery tone) We've just been very, very busy. With... many, many things. I couldn't begin to describe them all.

ERIN: That's okay.

RITA: (not fooled) Even though Erin lives a couple of towns from Lawndale? Hardly out of your way.

(Helen presses her lips together. Daria's smirk deepens: the first blow in the Mom and Aunt Rita war has been struck. Meanwhile Grandma's noticing Jake's meekness after Helen's rebuke.)

GRANDMA: (sardonic) My, Helen, you certainly do know how to take charge of a situation. (Bt) But then, you always were your father's daughter.

HELEN: (happy to change the subject) Um, right.

GRANDMA: It's nice to see you, Jacob.

JAKE: Nice to see you, too, Mom!

(Pause. Grandma Barksdale frowns and cocks an eyebrow at Jake. Jake blushes.)

JAKE: (mumbling) Um... I mean... Mrs. Barksdale.

(Grandma smirks.)

HELEN: (exasperated) Oh honestly, Mother! You'd think after twenty-three years --!

GRANDMA: All right, Helen, all right. (Bt. says to Jake, as if she were doing him a favor: ) Jacob, you may call me "Evelyn." I was just teasing you.

(Jake wipes his forehead, relieved.)

GRANDMA: (noticing Daria and Quinn) Why look at the girls! (Bt) Has it been that long since Ellie's funeral? Quinn's wearing glasses??

HELEN: Yes, she just has an eensy-weensy vision problem.

GRANDMA: (to Quinn) My, you look like such a little scholar.

QUINN: Hgh! (then realizes Grandma meant that as a compliment.) Oh. Thanks.

ERIN: Yeah, you look really cool.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Funny, they've never said that about me.

ERIN: (still absorbed in Quinn) And that's a pretty scarf. (points to Quinn's right arm.)

GRANDMA: Scarf? (looks closer. her eyes widen.) Is that a cast I see?

(Quinn holds up her arm. She's still got on the cast from "Cheered Down," which by now has had every inch covered by signatures. For the special occasion, she's artfully concealed it with the scarf.)

HELEN: She just took a little spill --

GRANDMA: Helen, you let your daughter break her arm??

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) It's not as though I could stop her. I can't watch her and Daria every second --

QUINN: (chipper) It's just battle scars from cheerleading. (Bt) I was head cheerleader, you know.

GRANDMA: (face lighting up) You were?

RITA: Cheerleading must run in the family. (to Quinn) I was a cheerleader, too.

ERIN: So was I!

(Rita, Erin, and Quinn all smirk at each other. Helen looks annoyed, especially when she sees how much her mother approves. Sees Daria just standing there.)

HELEN: Well, Mother, Daria's done many interesting things, too. Why not talk to her?

GRANDMA: Yes, of course. (Bt. to Daria) How are you, child?

(Beat)

DARIA: (her usual deadpan) I'm fine.

HELEN: Tell Grandma about how your principal asked you to give the commencement address at this year's Parent-Teacher Banquet on account of your remarkable G.P.A. (cocks a pointed eyebrow at Rita as she says this.)

(Beat. Daria sighs softly.)

DARIA: (still deadpan) My principal asked, quote-unquote, me to give the commencement address at the Parent-Teachers' Banquet because she thought --

GRANDMA: (looking distressed) Ugh! That's all right, dear, I've got the gist of it. You don't need to say any more!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (the living room)

(Close-up shot of the mantelpiece above the fireplace.)

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Okay, so after your grandmother gave you the brush-off again, that's when the fireworks started, right??

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) Not quite. A few more things happened. It was sort of a building-up process...

(Zoom out to show Jake absorbed in looking at photographs on the mantelpiece. Behind him, we see Rita's boyfriend asleep in a chair, looking so still it's as if he's become part of the furniture. Just then, Helen enters the living room, balancing several platters of appetizers. Jake glances at her, then returns his attention to the photos.)

JAKE: (to Helen) Wow, you and your father did everything together...

HELEN: (annoyed) Jake, would you kindly lend me a hand??

JAKE: Oh, right.

(He comes over and takes two platters from Helen, while she sets the remaining two down on the coffee table. Ignoring the presence of Jimmy, she goes to look at the photos Jake was eyeing. Her face brightens.)

HELEN: Oh! I'd forgotten about our canoe ride on Lake Wallawocasaconoc.

(Jake, meanwhile, is trying to find spare room for his appetizer platters -- the coffee table's already crowded with food, as are many of the side tables. He attempts to slide a few platters over.)

HELEN: (more to herself than to Jake) I can't believe you and the girls haven't been here since Dad's funeral -- (interrupted by a clattering sound.)

(Helen turns to look: Jake has managed to knock a platter from the coffee table onto the ground. Helen sighs sharply, cocks an irritated brow. Just then Rita enters with a tray of ice cubes and napkins. Looks down at Jake and rolls her eyes.)

RITA: (trying to sound civil) Here. (takes a handful of napkins from one of her platters and tosses them onto the ground, near the spill. As Jake is leaning down to clean up his mess, she walks over to Helen, smirking.) Did I hear you say it's been twelve years since you came to visit Mother here?

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Not me. Jake and th --

RITA: Geez, I couldn't imagine: I come here almost every week.

(Just then, Grandma Barksdale enters with Erin and Brian.)

GRANDMA: (fondly) I couldn't get by without her.

(She sees Jake and cocks a brow, unsurprised. Meanwhile Helen's frowning darkly.)

HELEN: Yes, well Leeville's much closer to Rutherford than Lawndale is. And if I weren't so busy --

RITA: (smirking) With meetings?

(Beat)

HELEN: Yes, with meetings! Those meetings help keep my family afloat for your information.

(Jake looks up from his cleaning, startled.)

JAKE: What're you saying, honey??

RITA: (irritated) Are you implying I can't keep things afloat, Helen??

HELEN: Well, Rita -- Jake, don't look at me that way. You know what I mean. And frankly, Rita --

GRANDMA: (somewhat weary) Girls, don't start. I don't want to hear any bickering on my anniversary.

(Helen and Rita immediately look chastened. Erin puts an arm around Brian, who looks annoyed.)

ERIN: Gosh, Grandma, I can't believe it's been fifty years.

HELEN: (grumbling) Well, thirty-eight, actually...

GRANDMA: (to Erin) Yes, sometimes I can't believe it, either. There have been many days where I've turned around and expected to see your grandfather. He had such a presence when he was alive. Do you remember, dear?

ERIN: Yeah.

GRANDMA: He was always very reassuring. (Bt) Sometimes I miss that.

ERIN: I hope Brian and I are as happy as you and Grandpa were. And as happy as Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake. (to Helen) You're kind of like role models to me, 'cause you've been married for so long.

HELEN & JAKE: (flattered) Aww!

ERIN; (to Rita) No offense, Mom.

(Rita smiles coolly. Looks at Jake, who's just finished cleaning up.)

RITA: (wicked) Bet it already feels like you've been married fifty years, huh, Helen?

BRIAN: (mumbling) Has for me.

(Erin looks at him questioningly. Helen glares at Rita.)

HELEN: Ha-ha, Rita.

(Jake comes over and stands beside them.)

JAKE: (oblivious) Gosh, it really has been a long time, hasn't it? (Bt. to Rita) Seems like only yesterday I met you and Amy after I'd proposed to Helen. It was in this room...

(fade-out. fade-in to a flashback from 1975. Amy and Rita are sitting on the living room couch. Amy's fourteen, and looks similar to how she looked as an eight-year-old in "The Tie That Chokes" flashback sequence, only her ponytails are longer and her glasses thicker. She wears some variety of ugly '70's dress. Rita, meanwhile, wears her hair long and parted in the center [as was the style of the time]. Her dress is so short, an inch shorter would reveal her underwear. Jake saunters up to them, sporting thick, wild hair, a moustache, and some ugly '70's flowered shirt with a butterfly collar.)

JAKE: Hey, hey, girls -- the name's Jake.

(Amy and Rita just stare at him like he's some sort of curiosity.)

JAKE: Now let me see: since I've already met Marcia, you must be Jan and Cindy. Right?

(He offers Amy his hand. She looks at it like she doesn't know what it's for. Then looks at Jake.)

AMY: I think we've met before. (Bt. cocks a brow) And under unpleasant circumstances.

RITA: I'm usually Marcia!!!

(Jake takes back his hand, chuckles uneasily. fade-out.)

(fade-in to Jake of the present. He looks sentimental.)

JAKE: Aw, the memories...

(Beat)

HELEN: Speaking of Amy -- where is she? Shouldn't she be here, too?

RITA; I wouldn't be surprised if she made up some excuse. (Bt. bitter) There're probably a lot of one-oh-four fevers going around her area. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"

GRANDMA: (firm) She'll be here. I gave her a good talking-to the other day.

HELEN: (sarcastic) I'm sure she loved that.

(Beat. Grandma Barksdale sighs.)

GRANDMA: (cocking a brow) She's quite a handful, I must say. (Bt) Still has a sharp tongue, still does what she pleases. And still lives alone.

RITA: (agreeing) And the only baby she'll probably ever have is that silly car.

HELEN: (exasperated) Oh come on. At least she has a boyfriend.

GRANDMA: She does??

RITA: Amy? A boyfriend?? (Bt) What, is he made-up, or something?

HELEN: Now why on earth would she make up a boyfriend??

RITA: She's done it before. (to Grandma) Remember during college -- she pretended to be visiting a guy's family so she could get out of going home for spring break??

GRANDMA: Yes. (groans softly.)

(Beat)

HELEN: (feeling the need to defend Amy) Well she's older, now. She knows better. (Bt) Besides, I've talked to him, and he seems very nice.

GRANDMA: Well that's good to hear.

(Beat)

RITA: (vaguely jealous) Why did he talk to you?

(Beat)

HELEN: Well because... (shakes her head, realizing it's too complicated to explain.) Never mind. (Bt. looks around.) You know, if I may say, this looks like an awful lot of food for just us.

RITA: It's not just going to be us.

HELEN: Huh?

(Beat)

GRANDMA: We're having guests over. (Bt) It was Rita's idea.

HELEN: (to Rita. a slight edge in her tone) What kind of guests?

RITA: Just old friends of Mother and Dad's. Some neighbors, some of Dad's army chums --

HELEN: You mean people who knew us when we were younger and haven't seen us since??

(Rita goes a little pale.)

RITA: Uh... yes. (Bt) I hadn't thought of it... like that.

HELEN: Rita, do you know what you've done?!

(Just then Daria and Quinn show up, having come from upstairs. Daria's smirking.)

DARIA: So we get to hear about embarrassing moments from your past?

RITA: Oh God.

GRANDMA: (to Helen and Rita. annoyed) Honestly you two, I would think you'd enjoy talking to people who knew your father.

HELEN: Maybe -- if we could rely on them not to stray from Dad as the focus of conversation.

JAKE: (attempting to change the subject) So girls -- you have fun upstairs??

DARIA: Not as much fun as you seem to be having down here.

HELEN: (putting a hand to her forehead) Daria, please.

(Beat)

GRANDMA: (exasperated) You two are just being silly, you know that? I'm sure everything will work out just fine.

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

MAN: Hallo, there!!

(Everyone turns to look. An old, portly man is coming toward them from the dining room, having come through the back way. And low and behold -- he's got Amy locked in a firm grip. We see that she's dressed very similarly to how she was in "I Don't," without the glasses, et cetera, and that she's eyeing the man warily.)

MAN: Well look who I found! It's my little Amy-meister! An' she's just as cute as she ever was. Ain't ya, darlin'? (squeezes her harder, plants a sloppy wet one on her cheek.) Ain't ya??

(Pause. Amy gazes at the others. The sound of the man's voice has brought Jimmy back to life, causing him to sit upright in the chair and blink sleepily. Meanwhile Helen and Rita look deeply worried, and Daria's smirking.)

AMY: (weary) So much for my grand entrance.

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of '70's Jake trying to shake hands with Amy and Rita.]

You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

Ha! Thought I'd throw you for a loop this time... Actually, the reasoning behind this shift stems from the fact that since this is a two-parter, with both parts coming out so close together, even I'd have a difficult time finding ten negative commercials in a short period of time. Don't worry: your usual dose of negativity will be back next week...

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Things intensify as Helen and her sisters delve into their past, Jake takes the firm parent approach, and Daria calls in some familiar faces to help solve Helen and Jake's marital crisis. (Sorry, no footage -- I want you to be surprised!) Catch the concluding part of 'None in the Family' on an all-new 'Daria."" 

Nike women athletes commercials: What can I say? I love 'em! Not only do they make it seem like it's completely natural for a woman to be an athlete, but they also portray them as good athletes. No pink shoes, no Size Two models posing as basketball players... And were the rest of you as stoked about the Women's World Cup as I was? 

Got Milk: These commercials have got to be some of the most clever around. With the exception of the cat woman one, I think they're my favorites. A recent fave: Two kids refuse to drink milk because they see that their old neighbor grew up without it. Then, when the neighbor goes to lift something... his arms break off! It's very cartoonish, trust me. Another fave: The animal crackers don't want to be eaten, so they conspire to tip over a little girl's milk. I can't describe why I like these commercials so much -- I think my examples pretty much speak for themselves... 

You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

NONE IN THE FAMILY, PART ONE: THE OLD MAN

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Barksdale house, continuation of the previous scene)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of everyone in the living room. The old man's still got Amy locked in a firm embrace. She struggles to get away.)

AMY: Um, Mr. Petersen, it's wonderful to see you again, but I kind of need to --

PETERSEN: C'mon, just one kiss for your old neighbor, an' then I'll let ya go!

(Amy heaves a sigh and gives him a peck on the cheek. Mr. Petersen rewards her by grabbing her jaw and giving it an affectionate wiggle.)

PETERSEN: That's my l'il cutie-patootie! (cups Amy's nose.) Whoops -- got yer nose!

AMY: Keep it. (Bt) Hey, um, was that bean dip I saw in the kitchen?

PETERSEN: (releasing her) Ooh, I love bean dip!

AMY: Don't I know it. (Bt) Now go have some before it's gone.

(Mr. Petersen nods to the rest of the company, then hurries away. Amy heaves another sigh and sags forward a little. Pause.)

DARIA: (smirking) Aunt Amy.

(Beat)

AMY: (smirking wryly at her) Damn, you saw me in a position of weakness. Now I'll have to kill you. (Bt) Or return the favor.

(She leans forward and hugs Daria. Then she notices Quinn, and cocks a pleased, amused eyebrow.)

AMY: Ah, so our third member of the glasses brigade has finally arrived. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"

QUINN: Huh?

AMY: Looking sharp, sweetie. (pats Quinn on the back. then turns to Grandma and says in a cheerful tone:) Mother.

(She gives Grandma Barksdale a kiss on the cheek and squeezes her shoulder.)

GRANDMA: (wry) It's nice to see you've finally arrived, Amy.

AMY: Hey, the best things come to those who wait.

RITA: Hmm. And you came all by yourself, I see.

AMY: (missing Rita's meaning) Yep. Haven't quite reached the age when I need someone to chauffeur me. (She and Rita share a rather stiff hug.)

HELEN: Actually, Amy, I think she means --

AMY: (with more warmth) Helen. (She reaches over, gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Helen does likewise.) You're looking good.

HELEN: Um... so do you. Certainly no worse than the last time I saw you.

AMY: And you're looking even better. No worry lines or throbbing veins of any kind. (Bt. smirking) Jake, has this woman been in a coma the past few months?

(The rest of the group bursts into a fit of chuckles. Helen rolls her eyes.)

JAKE: Aw gee... I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'd know.

(Now everyone else chuckles even harder. Helen glares at Jake, then looks at Amy.)

HELEN: (grumbling) Always a kidder, Amy.

(Beat)

AMY: Jake, you're a twisted man after my own heart. Never change.

JAKE: Um, okay.

(Beat)

AMY: And Erin and Brian: you two are still blissfully in love, I see. (Bt) If only it would last.

ERIN: Huh??

RITA: (annoyed) It's funny you should say that, Amy --

AMY: (seeing Rita's boyfriend) Paul? Wow, you've really let yourself go.

JIMMY: (cocking a brow) Excuse me??

RITA: I'm not seeing Paul any more.

AMY: Oh yeah. (cocks a brow at Jimmy and smirks.) Surprise, surprise...

RITA: Now what's that supposed --?!

AMY: Geez, the only one who's not here to celebrate this special occasion is Dad. What a shame. (Bt) So did any of you bring a Ouija board?

(Pause. Erin looks shocked. Rita glares at Amy and groans. Jimmy, Brian, and Jake actually chuckle -- though Jake stifles his with one look from Helen. Daria smirks.)

DARIA: (under her breath) A twisted woman after my own heart.

(Beat. Grandma frowns.)

GRANDMA: Amy, why on earth must you talk about your father that way??

HELEN: (peevish) Why not?? She did when he was alive.

(A frown briefly passes over Amy's face.)

AMY: Very true, Helen. Very true...

(fade-out. fade-into: )

SCENE 2 (dining room, about an hour later.)

(Close-up shot of the table.)

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) So once Aunt Amy arrived, things got a little more interesting. For starters, she revealed all the locations where something embarrassing had happened to Mom...

(Cut to wide shot. Amy's sitting in one of the chairs, putting together a bunch of party streamers, as Daria and Quinn pass by.)

AMY: (to Daria. instructional) And one last thing: that red patch on the wall above the bed? It's not lipstick, it's not paint -- it's what's left of your mom's Mr. Biffo the Blow-up Man after he exploded. I'll let you fill in the rest.

(Daria and Quinn glance at each other eagerly.)

DARIA: Thanks, Amy. You've made my visit.

QUINN: (a little more subdued) Yeah, thanks.

(They turn to leave. Amy touches Quinn's shoulder.)

AMY: Hey, Quinn. (Quinn turns to face her.) Don't feel too bad about having to wear glasses. You look good.

QUINN: (eyes trailing downward. a bit sheepish) Oh. Um, thanks.

(Beat)

AMY: (wry) Hmm, guess my praise isn't worth much -- you still seem a little down. Is anything...? (Pause. smirks a tad) Wait -- I get it. (Bt) Look Quinn, you're not still mad about what happened a few months ago, are you? [*] see Quinn's reaction after Amy told Helen about "Cousin" Daria in "The Tie That Chokes."

(Quinn's eyes widen. She stopped being mad at Amy a long time ago -- now she just feels embarrassed about the way she behaved.)

QUINN: No! I mean... um, I mean...

(Beat)

AMY: (understanding) Let's just let bygones be bygones, okay?

QUINN: (relieved) Sure.

(She leaves, and Amy ties up the last of the streamers. Suddenly we see Helen bustling out of the kitchen, carrying surplus appetizers.)

HELEN: (brisk. no-nonsense) Amy, those streamers are done already?? Well then why haven't you put them up, yet??

AMY: (rolling her eyes) I just fin--

(Rita rushes in from the living room. Stops, looks at Amy.)

RITA: (irritated) Geez, Amy, what are you doing just sitting there?? (in a persecuted tone) It's bad enough you had to show up after nearly everything was finished, forcing me to do practically all the work --

HELEN: Oh come off it, Rita! This silly party was your stupid idea, so it's only fair you take charge. Not that you're any good at it --

AMY: (grumbling) Sorry.

RITA: (not hearing Amy. to Helen) What do you mean not good at it?! And just because I'm the only one who truly cares about Mother's well-being --

HELEN: Oh, there we go! Again with the "I'm the good daughter" routine! Well let me tell you something, Rita -- if I got as much out of Mother as you do, I --

(Amy slumps forward.)

RITA: Oh yeah?! Well listen, Helen --

HELEN: Oh forget it, Rita. (Bt. looks at Amy. exasperated) Amy! Honestly, you're the artist in the family. You ought to know how to put up a few decorations.

AMY: (weary) That's not what you said those three times I tried to hang the banner.

HELEN: Banners are completely different!

(She rushes out into the living room. A second later, Grandma Barksdale comes in.)

GRANDMA: Amy, why are you just sitting there? Our guests will be here, soon.

(Amy groans, puts a hand to her forehead.)

AMY: I'm still recovering from Mr. Petersen. (Bt) So he's just the tip of the iceberg, is he?

GRANDMA: Oh quit being so disrespectful, Boo-boo.

(Amy sits up straight, turns bright red.)

AMY: Mom! Dammit, how old am I now...?!

(Before Grandma Barksdale can reply, Helen rushes back in from the living room.)

HELEN: Amy, those streamers still aren't up?? Get on it! (rushes into the kitchen.)

AMY: (rolling her eyes) Yes, Dad.

GRANDMA: I told you, Amy, don't be disrespectful. You could use some of your father's common sense. (Bt) You still max out your credit cards, don't you??

AMY: My, my, quite a leap in topics. (Bt) Mom, that was a long time ago --

GRANDMA: Well appraising art can't pay enough to afford that car, I'm willing to bet.

AMY: (irritated) How would you --?!

(Rita rushes in from the living room. She's overheard this last bit.)

RITA: (cool) Why would she need to max out her credit cards when Aunt Ellie left her all her money?

(Amy's eyes narrow.)

AMY: Oh sure, Reet. Her money's all I cared about.

RITA: (not missing her icy sarcasm) Well some of us do care about money. We don't all lead easy lives, you know.

AMY: (cool) Ooh, right. (Bt) So not only are you unlucky in love, but you're missing job satisfaction, too. What is it you do again??

GRANDMA: (before Rita can reply) Speaking of love, Amy: where is that boyfriend Helen was telling us about?

(Beat)

AMY: (going pale) What?

(Just then Helen comes back in.)

GRANDMA: You did say she had one, didn't you, Helen? A boyfriend??

RITA: Yeah, Helen -- a boyfriend?

(Helen pauses, rather startled. She looks down at Amy, who's frowning and clearly embarrassed.)

HELEN: I -- well, yes. (Bt. gently firm) Now, Amy, you're not still playing that silly game where you pretend you don't have one, are you?

AMY: (tightly. closing her eyes.) No.

GRANDMA: Pretend you don't have one?

HELEN: (to Amy) Come on, sweetie: after two years, I think they have a right to know.

RITA: Two years? (looks intrigued.)

(Pause)

AMY: (still tight) Yes. Two years. Two years, four months, to be exact. Not including the year we were just friends. (Bt) But forget it -- it's over. We broke up.

(Pause. Grandma Barksdale and Rita look uneasy, as does Helen.)

HELEN: But why?? He seemed so nice.

(Beat)

AMY: How did you meet Joel??

RITA: (vague resentment) Helen said she talked to him.

(Amy looks at her questioningly. Helen sighs.)

HELEN: Well I know I shouldn't say anything, but after we fought a while back, he called me at my office and tried to patch things up --

AMY: He called you?? (closes her eyes.) Great. That is so him. (starts to get up.)

GRANDMA: Amy, where are you going?

AMY: To hang the damn streamers. (grabs a few and walks away.)

(Pause)

HELEN: (to Grandma and Rita) Let me talk to her.

RITA: It was your talking that made her leave in the first place.

HELEN: Oh buzz off, Rita. (goes after Amy.)

(Pause. Cut to shot of Amy walking slowly toward the door to the living room, dragging the streamers behind her. Helen rushes toward her. She accidently steps on one of the streamers, causing it to split into two pieces. Amy stops and looks at Helen with a stormy expression.)

HELEN: (hushed. pleading) Amy, talk to me. What happened??

AMY: (rolling her eyes) You mean you don't already know?

HELEN: Come on, sweetie... Please?

(Pause. Amy looks like she's debating whether to open up. Finally she sighs.)

AMY: (somewhat flat) There isn't much to tell. We just agreed that we didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.

(Beat)

HELEN: Oh. (Bt) But couples don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything. Jake and I certainly don't.

AMY: Well Joel and I didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of essential things. It wasn't about us arguing over where to hang the fern.

HELEN: But, um... surely you could try working it out. What about counseling?? Two years seems like too long to just --

(Amy utters a sharp laugh.)

AMY: Helen, Joel and I have been down this road before. He tells me I'm too closed off, I tell him it's not his business to know everything about me.

HELEN: Oh.

AMY: Funny, I think you and he would get along well.

HELEN: Why??

AMY: Because you both share a lot of the same opinions. (Bt) I believe you once told me I closed myself off from everyone around me. Oh, and that I'm a bad role model for your kid.

HELEN: (uneasy) Oh... You remember... the exact words, do you?

AMY: They're hard to forget. (Pause) Anyway, the gist of it is: I came home partially to forget the recent events of my life. (another sharp laugh.) Silly me.

HELEN: (looking sorry) Amy...

(Just then, Daria comes in.)

DARIA: Um, I hate to interrupt, but Erin's just let in a bunch of strangers. Either they're Jehovah's Witnesses, or your old family friends are here.

(Beat. Amy and Helen glance into the living room.)

AMY: If only they were Jehovah's Witnesses. I'd be much more relaxed around them.

HELEN: Now come on, I'm sure we'll all be fine.

AMY: Yeah. They'll probably just want to talk about Mother and Dad.

HELEN: So why not go on in and say hello?

(Pause)

AMY: Um, or why don't you? (Bt) You're the oldest.

HELEN: But you've already bonded with Mr. Petersen.

AMY: Being accosted by an old man hardly qualifies as bonding in my opinion. (Pause. finally sighs and rolls her eyes.) All right, all right, I'll be the guinea pig. But I refuse to go alone. Are you with me, Daria?

DARIA: You want me to talk to old people?

HELEN: Go on, Daria.

DARIA: Okay. (Bt. smirks) I could go for witnessing some humiliation.

AMY: Brat.

(They walk into the living room.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (living room)

(Shot of various elderly folk coming in, milling around, sitting on the couch and in the chairs. One man is sitting next to Jimmy, trying to have a conversation.)

MAN: So what d' you do for a living?

JIMMY: (cocking a brow) Do?

(Another man is sitting in a chair near Jake and Brian, chatting. Jake is busy stuffing his face with appetizers as he listens, and Brian actually looks interested.)

MAN 2: ... And we found her crouched behind the bushes, poor thing. Naked as can be.

BRIAN: Whoa, Helen must've been pretty damn embarrassed.

JAKE: (crumbs spilling out of his mouth) I'll fay!

(Just then Amy and Daria walk in. Amy inhales-exhales Zen-style.)

AMY: (to Daria) Just proceed calmly. Go up, say hello, ask how they're doing, give a little info about yourself, then move on.

(Daria nods resolutely. She walks over to where Quinn and Erin are standing with a woman guest. Quinn's in her chipper mode.)

QUINN: ... An' so, like, Tiffany and Stacy were, like, "We think you should be the president of the Fashion Club." An' I was like, "Oh no!" But they just kept putting pressure on me 'til I agreed. An' so I decided fashion was my true calling an' that if I had to make the choice between cheerleading and fashion, fashion would be it. (sighs with satisfaction.)

ERIN: Wow, that's so smart of you, Quinn. I know I had a hard time balancing things when I was head cheerleader and president of my fashion club.

QUINN: Oh... you were... both? (wilts a little.)

(The woman to whom they were talking spies Daria.)

WOMAN: Hello, dear. What's your name?

DARIA: (deadpan) My name's Daria. I'm Quinn's seventeen-year-old older sister and I like to --

(The woman gets the same distressed look on her face that Grandma Barksdale wore when Daria spoke to her.)

WOMAN: Ugh! Ugh, please -- no more. (Bt) I just remembered: I have to be somewhere. (rushes away.)

(Quinn and Erin roll their eyes and look at Daria, annoyed. Daria smirks at this unexpected reaction, then decides to join Amy. Cut to shot of Amy standing with a couple of people, wearing an awkward expression.)

WOMAN 2: (to Amy. cheerful) I brought flan. (holds up a mammoth-sized dish of yellow jiggly good stuff.) I know how you girls used to love it.

AMY: Ooh, can't wait.

(The woman leaves to go set the flan somewhere. One elderly man gives Amy a faux punch on the cheek. Amy flinches.)

MAN 3: You've got yer dad's old reflexes! That's what saved 'im at Normandy, I always say.

AMY: (feigning interest) Really?

MAN 3: An' you look just like Howard, too. Do people ever tell you that?

AMY: Only when I'm at home.

MAN 3: (giving her another faux punch on the cheek) Not quite the little girl who used to play in my doghouse, are ya?

AMY: Well, that was thirty-plus years ago. I doubt I'd fit, now.

(The man chuckles, then sees Daria.)

MAN 3: (friendly) An' how're you, sweetie-pie?

DARIA: (deadpan) I'm fine. My name's Daria, and I'm a the second eldest of Evelyn Barksdale's three --

MAN 3: Ugh! I just remembered -- I have to be somewhere! (rushes off.)

(Pause)

AMY: (smirking) How'd you do that?

(Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: Don't know. It's a gift.

AMY: I'm keeping you close by.

(Just then, the flan woman returns. She sees Daria.)

WOMAN 2: Why, Amy! Here we thought you'd never settle down, and look: you have a daughter. And she looks just like you!

(Suddenly Helen bolts out of the dining room. Grabs Daria.)

HELEN: (rushed) No, no, she's mine, actually. Daria Morgendorffer -- first-born daughter. She has my nose, you know.

(She glares sideways at Amy. Even though Helen's forgiven her for the trick she played on the Fashion Club in "The Tie That Chokes," she still can't help but feel a bit threatened. In response, Amy rolls her eyes and leaves. Then Helen notices Jake, Brian, and their companion looking at her.)

HELEN: What?!

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (den, about an hour later)

(Shot of the downstairs hallway and the door leading to the den. The door is slightly ajar, with some light coming through. Off screen we hear the rumbling sounds of a party in full-swing. Then, suddenly: )

PEOPLE: Ugh! No, that's okay. We don't need to hear any more...

(Pause. We see Daria walks on screen. She's smirking and brushing her hands together as if to say, "Well done." She pauses when she sees the door, then decides to peek in.)

(Cut to shot of the inside. The den's a more down-to-earth room than the other rooms in the Barksdale house. It's got a couple of stuffed couches, a television set, a few bookcases, and a stereo. The only sign of formality is a fireplace, which -- of course -- bears several old photographs in gilt frames. We see Amy lounging on one of the couches, looking pensive. She continues to stare off into space for several seconds before noticing Daria's presence. Then she blinks a few times and smirks sheepishly.)

AMY: Hi. (Bt) Having fun at the party?

(Daria walks in, shuts the door behind her.)

DARIA: I've been alienating old people with my voice and watching my parents get to each other. So overall, it's not bad. (Bt) What're you doing?

AMY: Being childish. (Bt) Care to join me?

DARIA: Sure.

(She sits down on the other couch. Amy clicks on "Sick Sad World.")

(Meanwhile, cut to: )

SCENE 5 (living room)

(Shot of Helen, Jake, Rita, and Jimmy sitting on the couch, while Grandma Barksdale, Quinn, Erin, and Brian sit in chairs. They're surrounded by company. One man leans toward Grandma Barksdale.)

MAN: So, Evelyn, do you still play eighteen holes at the country club every week?

GRANDMA: Well, old age has reduced it to nine holes, but otherwise, yes. The gals and I go every Thursday, without fail.

MAN: Would you be interested in having another person in your group?

GRANDMA: (vaguely receptive) Are you asking if you could join us?

(Meanwhile, Quinn's looking positively irritated as Erin goes on and on about her high school days.)

ERIN: ... So junior year I was captain of the volleyball team on top of being head cheerleader, president of the Fashion Club, and Prom Queen.

QUINN: Uh-huh.

ERIN: So are you on any sports teams?

QUINN: Um... no. I don't really like sports.

ERIN: You don't? I love sports. I could play volleyball all day, which is probably why they thought I was good enough to be offered a scholarship --

BRIAN: Quinn, just tell her to shut up at any time.

(Erin looks at him, first stunned, then irritated. Meanwhile, Helen's looking extremely embarrassed as Jake continues to stuff himself with appetizers and Rita tries to explain to an old neighbor, Mr. Norbert, what her boyfriend does for a living.)

RITA: He's what you call a "street poet." He sits on the street, watches people go by, and makes up poems about them.

(Mr. Norbert, a rather Kris Kringle-looking man, claps his hands together with enthusiasm.)

NORBERT: (to Jimmy. jolly tone) Sounds marvelous, young man. Would ya be willing to give us an example?

(Pause)

JIMMY: (disdainful) I only do it when I'm on the street.

NORBERT: Oh.

(Beat)

HELEN: (sarcastic laugh) Ooh-hoo! He's your best one yet, Rita.

RITA: (eyes narrowing) Be quiet, Helen.

HELEN: (to Mr. Norbert) I'm surprised you don't have any "Rita's loser boyfriend" stories in your cache.

NORBERT: Nope. Don't think I do.

HELEN: (dripping sarcasm) Ohhh no, you just have Helen stories. Lots and lots of stories about little Helen doing some crazy things.

NORBERT: (patting her on the shoulder) That's just 'cause you were such an interesting child. (Bt) It's not every kid who would organize a petition drive to ban Tuesdays. Or dye her hair black to honor Martin Luther King. Or --

HELEN: We get your point. (slumps forward, looking sulky.)

(Beat)

JAKE: (some crumbs spilling out of his mouth) Iff all right, honey. I kin' of like those fories.

(Helen utters a sharp laugh. Looks at hubby with a very irritated and rather hurt expression.)

HELEN: Oh yes, Jake, I know you do. Because you always laugh just a little too loudly each time you hear one.

JAKE: (more crumbs spilling out) Oof. Forry.

HELEN: And for God's sake, Jake, would you stop inhaling the hors d'oeuvres?! Every time you open your mouth, you spew crumbs everywhere and it looks disgusting.

(Beat. Jake swallows.)

JAKE: (meek) Oh. Sorry.

(Helen groans loudly. Just then, we hear the sound of ringing coming from one of her pockets. Helen looks down, startled, then reaches in and removes her cell phone.)

HELEN: (relieved) Whoops! Oh darn -- business. I'm afraid I'll have to step out for a --

GRANDMA: (irritated) Helen, put that awful phone away this instant!

HELEN: (holding the still-ringing phone up) But Mother, it's my boss!

GRANDMA: I don't care if it's the pope. I will not have you rambling on about some silly case on my anniversary. Put that thing away.

HELEN: (geared up to protest) But Mother --!

(Just then, Quinn takes the phone.)

QUINN: (happy to have an excuse to get away from Erin) Here. I'll do it, Grandma.

(She leaves to go to the car. Helen sits there with her mouth open, outraged.)

(Meanwhile, cut to: )

SCENE 6 (den)

(Shot of Amy and Daria watching "Sick Sad World.")

SSW ANNOUNCER: "What did the Bride of Frankenstein's family think of her main squeeze? Exclusive interviews next on Sick Sad World!"

(Beat)

AMY: Bleh. This show's really gone downhill since I first started watching.

DARIA: Really? I thought it pretty much started at the bottom.

(Amy chuckles.)

AMY: True. (Bt) It's funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

DARIA: Got any witticisms that would explain it?

AMY: Nope. But Aunt Ellie did. (Bt) She said that when people get older and their senses wither away, the last thing to go is their poor taste.

(Daria chuckles.)

DARIA: Sounds like she was pretty cool.

AMY: (a bit reflective) Yeah. (Pause. shakes her head, comes back to earth.) So, kiddo,speaking of change: what's new with you?

DARIA: Not much. (Bt. smirks) Boo-boo.

AMY: Agh! How did you --?!

DARIA: I overheard Grandma call you that one time. (Bt) I'll lay off the nickname if you promise never to call me "kiddo" ever again.

AMY: Agreed.

(Beat)

DARIA: Well anyway, for starters: I'm still having problems with this guy I like --

AMY: Trent?

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) It's weird: I thought I was over him, but every now and then... (blushes a tad and shrugs.)

AMY: (comprehending) Hmmm... (then, with a solemnity that seems odd for the situation: ) I know what you mean.

(Beat. Daria glances at her wonderingly for a second.)

DARIA: Um, you want to know something really weird? I once had a dream that you and he... (full-on blush) did it.

(Pause)

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Whoa! You said you were never gonna tell her that!

(Amy's eyes fly wide open.)

AMY: Whoa!

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) I lied.

(Beat)

AMY: Was he any good?? Wait, wait, don't answer that.

(Daria smirks, looking embarrassed.) [*] for Amy and Trent's little get-together, see "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman

AMY: Well... (tries to get past the awkward moment.) I'm sure if I saw him I'd think he was cute. In a too-young-for-me kind of way, of course.

(Now Daria smirks with relief.)

AMY: New topic?

DARIA: Yes. (Bt) Well, other than that, the only thing worth mentioning in my life is Quinn and her glasses.

AMY: Hmm, yeah. She was so worried about them the last time I saw you.

(Daria utters a sharp laugh.)

DARIA: Yeah. And for nothing. (Bt. resigned) She's been wearing them for two months, now, and she's still the same as she's always been. Not only is she popular, but I think she's started a new glasses-wearing trend.

AMY: And you'd hoped that if she put on her glasses, her personality would do a one-eighty, right?

DARIA: Um, yeah. (Bt) Guess that was kind of stupid, wasn't it?

AMY: No, it wasn't -- considering the history you two have had. (Bt) Uh, does she still pretend --?

(Daria nods.)

AMY: (frowning) Mmmm... (Bt. philosophical) Well you never know: Quinn may already be changing in ways even she can't see. And maybe all you can do is learn how not to let her get to you.

DARIA: I guess. (Bt) So how d' you do that?

AMY: Don't know. (Bt) I'm still trying to figure it out.

(Daria smirks and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: I thought you adults were supposed to be wise.

AMY: (also smirking) Unfortunately, the one thing you learn when you reach adulthood is how much you don't know.

DARIA: Great. There's something I can look forward to.

AMY: (cocking a brow) It's really not that bad, trust me. (Bt) I like being an adult better than being a kid -- people finally take you seriously.

DARIA: Good.

AMY: Although it's funny: go home, and all bets are off. I feel like I've shed twenty years in the past two hours. My family's either ignoring me, like now, or they're on my case, the way they were earlier.

DARIA: (frowning) Hmmm...

(Amy sighs.)

AMY: Or maybe I'm just making a big deal about nothing. (Bt) I should really just go back to the party...

(Meanwhile, cut to: )

SCENE 7 (living room)

(Shot of Helen and the rest as they were the last time we saw them. After the cell phone incident, Helen is fuming.)

HELEN: Dammit, Mother, can't you understand how important my work is to me?!

GRANDMA: Helen, now how do you expect me to respond when you curse like that? (Bt) Honestly, you and Amy have developed such filthy mouths since you left home.

(Mr. Norbert heaves a big belly laugh.)

NORBERT: Aw, Evie, don't be too hard on the girl. She's just showing some of that spark that makes her the little go-getter she is. (to Helen) Aren't ya?

HELEN: Hmph.

NORBERT: Some things never change. (Bt) Jiminy Christmas, if I had a nickel for every time Helen got over-involved in something, I'd be a millionaire.

(Everyone around Helen bursts out chuckling, but Jake's chuckle is especially noticeable. Moreover, it lingers after the others have stopped. Helen slumps over and glares sideways at him, resentful.)

NORBERT: Like that time she was in the Fourth of July relay race, an' she got so mad that the other little girl was winning, she hurled herself at the child and knocked her to the ground before she could reach the finish line.

JAKE: (to Helen) Wow, honey, you did that??

HELEN: (weary) Jake, I was ten years old.

RITA: But still, you hurt her badly enough that she wound up in the hospital.

HELEN: (grumbling) Dammit, I said I was sorry. I made her a card...

GRANDMA: It's all in the past now, anyway.

(Beat)

NORBERT: Or what about the time Helen wanted to surprise Howard for his birthday by winning him that new set of golf clubs?

RITA: I remember that! (Bt) Ooh-hoo, Helen, you got in trouble for that one.

JAKE: What d' you do, hon?

(Helen has suddenly gone pale. She doesn't respond.)

NORBERT: See, she had entered our annual Fisherman's Fling-off, where the the goal was to see who could hurl a fishing line the farthest and nail the tackle.

JAKE: Sounds pretty neat!

NORBERT: Oh it was, Jacob, it was. (Bt) Well, since most of the contestants were boys and were therefore stronger, Helen thought she had to do a big wind-up to make her puppy fly. And when she did --

(Helen closes her eyes, looking sort of ill.)

NORBERT: -- she flung the line so far behind her, it got caught in a pine tree on the shore and whipped her out of her boat. The poor thing bounced like a yo-yo and got tangled up in the line.

JAKE: No way! Really?? Like a... yo-yo?!! (bursts out laughing.)

HELEN: (whispering) Jake...

JAKE: (poking her in the ribs) Aw, come on, honey, that didn't really happen, did it? Did it??

HELEN: Yes, it happened.

(Beat)

NORBERT: For three hours she just sort of hung there. The firemen were at their annual convention in Leeville, and it took us forever to find a ladder long enough --

HELEN: (to Mr. Norbert. irritated) Please, would you just not say any more??

NORBERT: (oblivious) See she was so high up, and so tangled --

HELEN: Please, would you be quiet?!!

(Beat)

GRANDMA: (peevish) Helen, don't talk to Mr. Norbert that way.

HELEN: Dammit, Mother, I'll talk however I want. I'm not a child.

GRANDMA: Then stop acting like one.

JAKE: Yeah, honey, relax. You gotta admit: it does sound pretty funny.

HELEN: Shut up, Jake! No it wasn't!

RITA: (rolling her eyes) Oh of course it was, Helen. (Bt) God, you ought to have some ability to laugh at yourself.

(Helen slumps forward and puts a hand to her forehead.)

HELEN: How can I?! Dad got so mad at me -- I'd never seen him that mad, before!

NORBERT: (to Jake) Howard finally came by and cut Helen down with one of his army knives.

GRANDMA: (to Helen. pacifying) But he didn't stay mad at you forever.

HELEN: He wouldn't talk to me for two weeks!

NORBERT: (to Jake) She'd used his favorite fishing pole. (Bt. shakes his head) Terrible shame.

HELEN: Didn't I ask you to be quiet?!!

GRANDMA: Helen, calm down. You're getting yourself all worked-up over nothing.

RITA: Yeah, Helen. You're acting like it happened yesterday.

JAKE: Yeah, hon. I mean, I bet you looked kind of cute, all tangled up in that line.

HELEN: DAMN IT, JAKE, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!!!

(Pause. The room becomes quiet. Jake grows pale and looks embarrassed as Helen glowers at him.)

JAKE: B-but Helen --

HELEN: Can't you say two words without sounding like an idiot?!!

(Before he can respond, she stands up and quickly leaves the room. Jake wilts. Everyone else looks stunned, except for Grandma Barksdale. She heaves a sigh and shakes her head.)

JAKE: Aw geez... (stands up, grabs a few appetizers.) Gah dammit. Helen, wait!

(He runs after her.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Helen bolting from the room while everyone looks on.]

You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

Jack in the Box man: Here's a prime example of commercials that sell you something without selling you something. If you've never seen them, they follow the life of Jack, owner of, surprise-surprise, Jack in the Box. Jack's just an ordinary Joe, except for one thing... he's got a huge snowball-shaped head. These commercials carry an air of absurdity, as we see Jack try to figure out why he's different from his competitors. He never suspects that maybe his cranial size has something to do with it. Anyway, they're hilarious to watch. Some faves: Jack trying to run for office, and Jack playing catch with his similarly cranial-endowed son. 

Another food commercial [let's face it: most of the best commercials on T.V. are food related]. M&M's that don't want to be eaten: Great use of computer-generated graphics, and I just love the personalities on these little guys. Plus, how often do we get to see things from food's point-of-view?? 

"This is your brain on heroin": The commercial where the girl starts off with the typical cracking an egg in a frying pan stunt, then proceeds to trash the entire kitchen to show a drug addict's effect on other people. It's shocking, it's edgy, and it gets its point across... 

You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

NONE IN THE FAMILY, PART ONE: THE OLD MAN

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Barksdale house, the den)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of inside, where Amy and Daria have overheard a bit of the commotion. They now turn toward the door and frown.)

AMY: What do you suppose that was?

(Beat)

DARIA: Too much spice in the bean dip?

(Amy shrugs and they continue to watch T.V.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (dining room)

(Shot of Helen stalking around, obviously in an effort to cool off. Jake comes in.)

JAKE: Aw, honey, don't be mad!

HELEN: Jake, just leave me alone.

JAKE: But geez, you always laugh at my scarring childhood experiences.

HELEN: Not laugh at, ignore. There's a difference.

JAKE: Uh... what kind of difference?

(Beat. Helen stops stalking around and looks him straight in the eye.)

HELEN: (dripping with irritation) The difference is that you bring them up every other day, and turn them into some sort of pathetic spectacle. (Bt) Whereas I never talk about my childhood, so therefore I deserve a little more understanding!

(Beat)

JAKE: (looking confused) You do? (Bt. shakes his head.) Okay then, honey, I'm sorry. I'll never laugh again.

HELEN: (not very receptive) Hmph.

(Pause)

JAKE: (hesitant) But geez... was it really necessary to call me an "idiot" in front of your family and your mother's old friends?

HELEN: Yes, it was necessary.

JAKE: But why??

HELEN: Because it felt good, all right?!

(Pause)

JAKE: I see. I think. (Bt) But, um, except... geez, now I'm a little embarrassed, too.

(Helen utters a sharp laugh.)

HELEN: Well good! You should feel embarrassed. God, Jake, you've been making one stupid mistake after another since the moment we arrived.

JAKE: Oh.

(Beat)

HELEN: Look, I just really need to be by myself right now, all right?! Just go back to the party and get Mr. Norbert to tell you some more awful stories about me.

JAKE: Sure, hon.

(He tries to hug her, but she resists. Jake wilts a little, shakes his head, and turns to leave the room. As soon as he's gone, Helen sinks into one of the dining room chairs.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (downstairs hallway)

(Shot of the doorway leading to the living room. We see Jake walking through --after Helen's scornful remark about Mr. Norbert, he's not about to sit down and listen to him talk again. Instead, he starts pacing around just as Helen was doing, a frustrated expression on his face.)

JAKE: I really don't get her, sometimes. What's the big deal?? So I laughed at that stupid story -- so what?? It's not like anyone died. And it was a long time ago! She gets so goddamn touchy...

(He starts walking faster, his face turning beet-red with some of that "talking about Mad Dog Morgendorffer" rage.)

JAKE: But it doesn't matter if she's overreacting, 'cause Helen's always right and Jakey's always wrong. That's how it's always been. And she doesn't even care if my feelings get hurt, just so long as she can stay in the right.

(He stops pacing, waits to catch his breath. Then he collapses against a wall.)

JAKE: Never a day goes by when she doesn't tell me how I'm messing up. Nothing's ever good enough for her, unless she does it! Boy, when I think of all the years we've been together, the times she's put me down...

(Cue flashback montage sequence: )

(Cut to shot of hippie Helen and Jake standing in the midst of a protest rally.)

HELEN: (to Jake) It's Viet Cong, not Clong! And yes, we support them!

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, recently married.)

HELEN: Jake, now how is fiddling around with your model train set going to help pay the bills?!

(Cut to shot of Helen in a hospital bed, in labor with Daria, while Jake stands over her.)

HELEN: Were you even paying attention in Lamaze class?!

(Cut to shot of Helen, Jake, and a very young Daria and Quinn.)

HELEN: No, spinning them around in the dryer is not an acceptable way to keep them entertained.

(Cut to shot of Helen sitting on the couch with Jake in "Lane Miserables.")

HELEN: Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know the most rudimentary facts about our girls.

(Cut to shot of Helen at the dinner table in "That Thing You Say.")

HELEN: What were you thinking, rewarding Quinn with the platinum just for saying she loves you??!

(End of flashback montage. Cut back to shot of Jake standing in the hallway of the Barksdale house, looking outraged.)

JAKE: I don't know politics, I'm not a good breadwinner, and most of all, I'm not smart enough to take care of the girls!! It's enough to drive a man berserk, I tell you! (Bt. makes fists, speaks in a "Mad Dog" tone.) And boy, I'd really love to show her just how wrong she is to think of me that way. I think I'll go up to her right now and --

(His face suddenly goes pale, as he realizes what it would mean to stand up to Helen.)

JAKE: Eap! On second thought...

(He turns and walks quickly down the hallway, in the direction of the den. Pause.)

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) So around the time Mom and Dad were probably getting ready to tear out each other's throats, Amy quit whining about being neglected at home and we started to --

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you say "whining"?

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Daria's room, the present)

(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed.)

JANE: What's with the harsh language? I thought this woman was, like, your favorite aunt.

(Beat)

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) But did I mention I'm kind of annoyed with her right now?

JANE: You don't say. (Bt) Well this I gotta -- (interrupted by the sound of knocking.)

QUINN: (off screen) Daria? Can I come in?

DARIA: Sure.

(Sound of door opening and closing. We see Quinn walking up to Daria and Jane.)

QUINN: Mind if I stay in here with you? Dad's still freaking me out.

DARIA: What's he doing now?

QUINN: He's, like, marching around the house like he's in the army, or something. He just walked up to my mirror and saluted it.

JANE: Whoa, boy. (to Daria) After you call the cardio unit, better make a reservation at the psychiatric hospital.

DARIA: Nah. Believe it or not, this actually makes sense. I was just reaching the part of my story where things start to turn weird. (to Quinn) Have a seat.

(Quinn sits on the edge of the bed.)

DARIA: Amy and I were tired of being trapped in the den, so we started plotting our escape...

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Barksdale house earlier that afternoon, the den)

(Shot of Amy sitting with Daria.)

AMY: (instructional) Here's how it'll work: we'll just calmly walk outside and say hello. I'll ask them how they're doing, and if they start to bring up any embarrassing memories about my childhood, that's when you come at them with your patented deadpan.

DARIA: (smirking) All right. But then what?

AMY: Then we make a speedy getaway out the front door to my car. (Bt) From there, I could take you to this good diner I know that serves cheese fries. Since Rita was able to exhume all of Mother's old friends, I'm willing to bet that the old guy who runs the place is still there.

DARIA: Cool. (Bt. cocks an eyelid) But wait -- who says I wouldn't want to hear stories about my Aunt Amy's childhood?

AMY: (cocking a brow in return) I anticipated you might ask that question. And all I can say is that those same people who have embarrassing stories about me might also have seen your grandma's granddaughters when they were babies...

(Daria goes a little pale.)

AMY: (smirking) I bet if I asked, they'd have some really interesting mem--

DARIA: All right, all right. (Bt. smirks) God, you're evil.

AMY: I try.

(They start to get up. Just then, we hear the sound of the door opening and closing, and see Jake creep on screen.)

AMY: Hi, Jake.

DARIA: Hey, Dad.

JAKE: Um, hey girls. Would ya mind if I sort of stayed in here for a while? I'm trying to lay low.

AMY: What happened?

(Beat)

JAKE: Oh... nothing. Just Helen and I had a little tiff. Y' know, it'll blow over soon, but until then... (cowers a little.)

AMY: Sure, have a seat. (gestures at the couch.) We were just leaving, actually.

JAKE: Thanks. (walks over, and is about to sit down, when suddenly he sees the photographs on the mantelpiece. face lights up.) Wow! Is that the old man??

AMY: (glancing at the photographs) Dad? That would be him.

(Jake goes over and takes a closer look. Daria does, too, out of curiosity. Cut to close-up of the photographs. We see Grandpa Barksdale at various stages of his career in the army. He's tall and lean, and exudes such an air of authority that he stands out in any group. His hair is dark, with a slight wave, his face long, and his nose aquiline. In most photographs his arms are folded, and he wears a steely, self-confident smile.)

DARIA; (to Amy) Wow, he really does look like you.

(Amy shrugs nonchalantly.)

JAKE: (absorbed in the photos) Where were most of these taken?

AMY: Hmm... some were probably at camps in France or in Korea. And some were probably at army bases here in the U.S. (Bt) Wish I could say I remembered where.

JAKE: Just look at him. He was quite a man, your father.

AMY: So I hear.

(Beat)

JAKE: Strong, proud, confident, a real role model and an upstanding family man. (Bt. sentimental) I remember the talks we used to have...

AMY: (surprised) Dad let you talk to him??

(Pause)

JAKE: Well... er, not really. (Bt) But I always used to imagine the things we could talk about if he ever changed his mind. (Bt) Boy, it really got me through some rough times.

AMY: You don't say.

JAKE: But you, you actually did talk to him. You must've loved having him for a father!

(Pause)

AMY: (quiet) You'd be surprised, Jake.

JAKE: (oblivious to all but the photos) Just look him...

(Beat. Amy shrugs and starts to head over to the door. Then she stops, and watches Jake's worship of her father with some bewilderment.)

JAKE: (to Grandpa Barksdale) Look at you, you old rascal. Look at you, firm and in control. How did you do it??

DARIA: Uh, Dad, I don't think he's gonna --

AMY: (to Daria. sensing Jake's need to spill his guts) Shhhhh...

(Beat)

JAKE: First a star in the army, then you ran your own business and raised a family. An' even now when you're gone, people still respect and admire you...

(Amy sighs noiselessly as Jake talks.)

JAKE: Whereas me... well look at me! I've been married to the same woman for twenty-three years -- not counting all the years we lived in sin -- and I can't get any respect!

(Daria cocks an eyelid with vague concern.)

JAKE: All I ever hear is (mimicking Helen) "Jake, you're the back-up singer, Jake, you're so incompetent. (eyes bulge. drops the falsetto.) Jake, you might as well not even bother 'cause I'm so damn perfect! I'll handle everything! You just go back to reading your silly little newspaper!" Gah gah dammit!!

(Amy and Daria glance at each other.)

JAKE: You know what she called me today, in front of everybody?! She called me an idiot! An idiot!! Dammit, what's a man to do?!

DARIA: (trying to intervene) Uh, Dad --

JAKE: Hey, ya know something?? I know what. (Bt) Seeing you's made me realize how stupid I am to just hide away in here like a coward. I'm gonna take a page from the book of your life an' stand up for myself! (hard laugh.) Oh yeah, I'll be just like you -- strong, confident, take nothing lying down. Just let her try and yell at me again!!

AMY: (also trying to intervene) Jake...

JAKE: So thank you, old man! You've really come through for me, just like all the other times! (salutes the photographs. then notices Amy and Daria.) See ya later, girls. I won't be hiding in here, any more!

(He turns and leaves, and slams the door behind him. Pause.)

AMY: (uneasy) What do you suppose that was about?

DARIA: Don't know. Dad's already had his mid-life crisis.

AMY: Does he always get this upset when he fights with your mom?

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Hmm... not usually. Although I've definitely seen weirder from him. (Bt) Whatever it is, it should pass.

AMY: Hope you're right.

(Beat)

DARIA: So was Grandpa really as great as Dad made him sound?

AMY: You don't remember him?

DARIA: Not really.

(Beat.)

AMY: He wasn't bad. (Bt. sighs) Actually, I'm not the one to ask. He and I might've shared looks and a vision problem --

DARIA: Vision problem?

AMY: Yeah. (Bt. wry) The "upstanding family man" lied about his vision to get into the army. By the time they caught on, he'd already been promoted faster than anyone else in his unit.

DARIA: Wow.

AMY: Anyway, as I was saying, our similarities ended there. (Bt. gets a weary, reflective look.) Dad was a Type-A personality, a real go-getter. Whereas you know how I am.

(She wiggles her brows. Daria smirks.)

AMY: In fact, when he retired from the army and took over my grandpa's aluminum siding business, he nearly doubled its profits.

DARIA: (neutral toned) That's pretty impressive.

AMY: Yeah. (Bt) And after all his hard work, he would've really loved a son to pass on the business to, but he didn't have any he could turn to. (Bt) I'd blown it years earlier by coming out a girl.

DARIA: Oh.

AMY: He ended up passing it on to his partner's kid just a few years before he died. (Bt) And as payment for my screw-up, I spent years listening to how I was never this enough or that enough for him. (Bt. smirks) You could say we didn't get along.

DARIA: That's too bad. (Bt) But couldn't you have run the business, anyway?

(Pause. Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: He never offered. To any of us. (Bt. short laugh) Sorry, I'm making him sound like a jerk. Really, your mom's the one you should talk to about this. She had a good relationship with him.

DARIA: Okay.

(Beat. Amy and Daria start to leave the den. Suddenly Amy pauses.)

AMY: (reflective, almost more to herself) You know it's weird how relationships work. Things can never be just one way. There's always an unexpected and... unpleasant twist.

DARIA: (not quite getting it) Um, yeah.

AMY: Jake loves my dad, whereas I... well I... (shakes her head.) You thought you were over Trent, but now you're not so sure. And I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend, Joel. (Pause. forces a chuckle, then says softly: ) Well... I guess he's my ex-boyfriend, now.

(Pause)

DARIA: You had a boyfriend?

(Meanwhile, cut to: )

SCENE 5 (living room)

(Shot of Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and the others still gathered around the couch and chairs, talking. Suddenly we see Jake storm through, looking angry.)

JAKE: Helen?! Gah dammit, where are you?!!

(Grandma Barksdale and Rita watch him go, stunned. Then Grandma Barksdale shakes her head.)

GRANDMA: (exasperated) Honestly, the way he and Helen are carrying on... He'll have another heart attack if he doesn't watch himself. (Bt) I'm glad you're not like that, Rita dear.

RITA: (patting her mom's hand) Definitely not, Mother.

(Beat)

GRANDMA: Um, sweetheart, would you ask your date to sit upright? He's drooling on one of my good cushions.

(Rita looks, sees that Jimmy has fallen asleep so that his cheek is pressed against the back cushion. She sighs, rolls her eyes, and flings her hands in the air.)

(Meanwhile, cut to: )

SCENE 6 (den)

(Shot of Daria and Amy standing as before.)

AMY: Yeah. (Pause) For over two years. It was sort of an opposites-attract story. I'm in the humanities, he's Mr. Engineer. But we shared a love of all things twisted, and the relationship just grew from there.

DARIA: Oh.

(Beat)

AMY: (sounding only remotely like she's talking to Daria) God, it still gives me chills when I think about how he drove me to Salem, Mass. for our anniversary. Damn, that was sweet...

DARIA: Hmm...

AMY: Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of our break-up. (Bt. again reflective) But still, God, he could be such a sweetheart. I mean how many guys would take the trouble to learn your special places? Most men just drop their shorts and take whatever they can --

DARIA: Don't know.

(Beat. Amy realizes what she's been saying and snaps back to earth. She chuckles a little.)

AMY: Ugh, I sound like a babbling idiot. Love messes with your mind, Daria, let me tell you. (Bt. groans) I mean hell, I'm used to being alone. I like it. I've been on my own my whole life. (Bt) But now I can't stop thinking: two years of my life with this one person, and he's gone...

(Beat)

DARIA: (stiffly) I'm sorry.

AMY: Thanks for your concern. (Bt) But enough about that -- let's go put our plan into action.

DARIA: Sure.

(She lags behind Amy a little. Amy senses her sudden wane in enthusiasm, turns to look at her, and frowns.)

AMY: Uh-oh. What's wrong?

DARIA: What d' you mean?

(Beat)

AMY: You just seem quiet all of the sudden.

DARIA: So?

AMY: So -- it's not like you. What's up?

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (a bit peevish) Not like me? How would you know??

(Beat)

AMY: Daria, I'm your aunt, and I'm psychic. (Bt) Now I didn't bore you with all my love talk, did I?

DARIA: No. (Bt) I'm sorry you broke up with your boyfriend.

AMY: (playfully exasperated) Why do I not believe you?

DARIA: (annoyed) Why should it matter?

(Beat)

AMY: Ah, maybe it shouldn't. (Bt) Well if I didn't bore you, then why the sudden mood shift?

DARIA: I'm not sure.

AMY: Come on...

(Daria rolls her eyes again.)

DARIA: Gee, you're acting pretty aggressive for someone who's usually so laid-back. (Bt) All right, you want to know what's wrong, I'll tell you. I am sorry you broke up with your boyfriend -- but it's not like I ever knew the guy.

(Beat)

AMY: (puzzled) Well of course you don't know him. I never thought you did.

DARIA: You never even mentioned him 'til today.

AMY: Hmm, I s'pose that's true. But so what?

DARIA: (awkward) So... it's just sort of weird, that's all. (Bt) I've told you about my feelings for Trent.

(Beat. Amy chuckles softly and rolls her eyes.)

AMY: (gentle) Daria, adult relationships have a few more twists and turns than your average high school crush. They can get pretty messy -- and I'm not sure young ears can handle all the details. (chuckles again, remembering her little slip-up earlier.)

(Now Daria rolls her eyes, though not with mirth.)

DARIA: That makes sense.

AMY: (sensing sarcasm) You sure??

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) You don't think I'm capable of understanding your relationships.

AMY: (groaning a little) No, no, that's not what I'm saying...

DARIA: So there's another reason?

AMY: (slightly peevish) No, there is no other reason. (Bt) Gee, you're acting sort of touchy for someone who's usually so blazeÇ about everything.

DARIA: Oh sure. Touchy. (Bt) It's okay for me to tell you everything about Trent, but your relationship was too mysterious and special to even mention to me.

(Beat. Again, Amy groans softly, looking resigned.)

AMY: Look, Daria, it wasn't just you, okay?? I didn't tell anybody.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh. (Bt) How come?

(Pause)

AMY: (looking uneasy) It's... complicated.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Well while you're trying to figure it out, I'll go back to the party. See you later.

(She quickly leaves the den. Amy puts out a hand as if to stop her, then lets it drop. She decides not to pursue, and instead walks out the door slowly.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (living room)

(Cut to shot of Quinn standing by the stairs. Her arms are folded and she looks sulky. Daria comes up and stands beside her.)

DARIA: (deadpan) So, having fun?

(Beat)

QUINN: No. This party sucks. I wanna go home.

DARIA: Me, too.

(Cut to shot of Amy on the other side of the room, making her way over to the hub of the party. Suddenly she bumps into Mr. Petersen, who, naturally, grips her in another bone-crunching hug.)

PETERSEN: There's my Amy-meister!

AMY: (trying to sound civil. squirming) It's nice to see you, Mr. Petersen, but --

(Mr. Petersen reaches up to muss her hair. Amy frowns.)

PETERSEN: Yer quite the little ball of trouble, ain't ya?? Always disappearing somewhere.

AMY: Only when it helps me avoid something unpleasant. (pointed glance at Mr. Petersen.)

(Beat)

PETERSEN: (oblivious) Howard always did talk about you being a handful.

(Beat)

AMY: (somewhat defensive) I was no worse than the average kid.

(Mr. Petersen squeezes her harder.)

PETERSEN: Sure, ya weren't, darlin'. Sure ya weren't.

(Beat)

AMY: Look, I've enjoyed talking with you, but --

PETERSEN: C'mon now, plant a big wet one on old Mr. Petersen's cheek.

(Pause. Amy wiggles hard and manages to release herself from his grip.)

AMY: (firm) Mr. Petersen, I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm not five years old, any more. (Bt) I didn't like your pushiness then, and I certainly don't now. Good bye.

(She leaves him looking stunned.)

(Cut to shot of Helen, who's just emerged from another hiding place. She looks noticeably calmer, but still grouchy. Amy walks up to her.)

AMY: Well you're looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

HELEN: (weary sarcastic) Ha-ha.

(Beat)

AMY: So what hap --?

(Just then, we hear off screen: )

JAKE: Helen!

(He charges up to them, looking as enraged as he did earlier.)

JAKE: Helen, I want a word with you!

AMY: Oops, I'd better go. (quickly slips away.)

HELEN: What, Jake? Calm down.

JAKE: (hypercharged) Calm down?! There's no way I'm gonna calm down!

HELEN: Jake, please. You're being too loud and getting yourself all stressed-out. You don't want another heart attack, do you??

JAKE: (a little placated) Um, no.

HELEN: Of course you don't. Now just stand here with me and try not to embarrass yourself any more.

(Beat)

JAKE: Embarrass myself?? (gets enraged all over again.) Who's embarrassing himself --?!!

(Cut to shot of Grandma Barksdale sitting with Rita and the rest. Amy comes over and slides into a chair next to her mother. Grandma Barksdale doesn't show any sign of noticing. She's talking to Rita about Jimmy.)

RITA: ... But he seemed so nice when I met him at that Irish pub last Saturday.

GRANDMA: Now, now, sweetheart, sometimes life throws you a lemon. You just have to put him in the garbage disposal and move on.

(Rita sighs.)

RITA: I guess you're right.

GRANDMA: It's like how it was with Paul --

RITA: Who?

GRANDMA: You know, that man... er, let me see... the one who came before Jerry. (Bt) Oh, and Phil.

RITA: Phil came after Larry and before Kyle.

AMY: (hushed) And so we move to Round Two of the Dating Game.

RITA: What?!

(Pause. Grandma Barksdale puts up a hand for her to not say any more. Looks at Amy and cocks a brow.)

GRANDMA: (coolly) Well, Amy, so nice of you to finally join us.

AMY: (can't think of a clever excuse) I got a little sidetracked.

GRANDMA: For three hours?

AMY: (shrugging) Hard to believe, I know. (Bt) Wait, you mean to tell me you actually wondered where I was?

GRANDMA: (exasperated) Well why wouldn't I?? It was your duty to be out here as much as your sisters'.

(Pause)

AMY: (meek) You're right. I'm sorry.

(Beat)

GRANDMA: Because of you, they had to more than pick up the slack.

AMY: Look, I said... (groans softly and rolls her eyes.) Well I gotta say, Mom: this must be the first time you've -- (stops as Jake's voice rises up.)

(Amy, Grandma Barksdale, and Rita turn their attention to what's going on between Jake and Helen.)

RITA: Now what??

(Cut to shot of Jake and Helen. Suddenly the room goes still, except for them.)

JAKE: Dammit, you never let me say anything!!

HELEN: Jake, you can say everything you need to say at home. But right now, you're embarrassing me in front of all these other people who've embarrassed me and I am fed up. Just be quiet!

JAKE: Ohhh no, I'm gonna say what I came to say, gah dammit!

GRANDMA: (off screen. exasperated) What is going on, you two??

(Beat. Jake and Helen pause briefly in their ranting.)

HELEN: Nothing, Mother. We're fine.

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Well I say it's something, an' we're not fine!!

HELEN: Jake, what on earth has gotten into you?!

JAKE: Nothing but a little self-respect, gah dammit! I'm a man, dammit, a man!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn watching, absorbed.)

DARIA: (remembering Jake's "talk" with Grandpa Barksdale) Good God.

(Pause)

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) See, usually when Mom and Dad argue, Mom just gives Dad a dirty look and Dad goes back to reading his newspaper. End of argument...

(Cut to shot of Jake and Helen.)

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) A man?? A child's more like it.

JAKE: Gah dammit, don't talk to me that way! You never let me say anything or do anything!!

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) But this time, something about Grandpa Barksdale really got to Dad. 'Cause he just wasn't taking it any more...

HELEN: All right, Jake, all right. (Bt. irritated) You want to say something, then say it. Right now. You've already ruined everyone's good time.

(Pause. Jake looks sort of shocked -- he hadn't expected Helen to consent. He then exhales and sobers up.)

JAKE: You, uh... you won't let me shave over the kitchen sink.

HELEN: What??

(Beat)

JAKE: And, um... you hate my cooking.

HELEN: (now really irritated) So what?! For God's sake, Jake, is that all you're upset about??

JAKE: No! I was just getting warmed up! (Bt) You, uh, won't let me make any decisions.

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Oh come on.

JAKE: No, it's true! You never let me do anything myself!

HELEN: Name one time --

JAKE: File a tax return, shop for new linoleum, iron the bed linens, plan our vacations...

(Helen blushes, realizing that what he's saying is true.)

HELEN: (annoyed) I said one time, Jake. (Bt) And each of those times, I had to bail you out because you were making a mess of things!

JAKE: Oh yeah?! How would you know?! You never let me finish what I started. Maybe everything would've turned out just fine!

HELEN: Maybe, Jake, but I highly doubt it. Look, this really is stuff we should be discussing at --

JAKE: No, one more thing!

HELEN: What?!!

(Beat)

JAKE: You don't trust me with the girls!

(Beat)

HELEN: Don't trust you with the girls?? What on earth do you mean??

JAKE: I mean you never listen to my opinions about them. It's just "Jake, be the back-up singer"!

HELEN: Back-up... he's... (glances at the other people in the room and tries to make light. chuckles a little with embarrassment.)

JAKE: Everything has to be done your way. That's how it's always been, and it's time things changed!

(Pause. Helen presses her lips together and rolls her eyes.)

HELEN: (dripping with irritation, vaguely condescending) Oh you think so, Jake? (Bt) And just how do you propose to change things??

(Jake stomps one foot on the ground, military-style.)

JAKE: How?? I'll tell you how! I'm gonna start acting like a real man, which means taking control of my life. And first thing I'm gonna do is take charge of our marriage!

(Cut to shot of Amy, head in hand, watching.)

AMY: (muttering under her breath) Thank you, Dad.

(Resume shot of Jake and Helen. Helen looks outraged now, as well as irritated.)

HELEN: Take charge of our marriage?? Jake, would you listen to yourself?? (Bt) Now what on earth's made you feel the need to go off like some kind of misogynistic tyrant??

JAKE: I'm not the tyrant, Helen -- you are.

(Pause)

HELEN: (stunned) Wh-what did you...?

(Beat)

JAKE: (a little more sober) I called you a tyrant. (Pause) I'm sorry, honey, but it needed to be said.

(Pause. Helen's expression changes from stunned to genuinely hurt. For several seconds, she can't speak. Finally she does her best to shore up her dignity with a sharp, sarcastic laugh.)

HELEN: I can't believe you said... (Bt) A ty-, a tyrant. (Bt. glances in Daria and Quinn's direction.) Did you hear that?? (glances in Grandma Barksdale, Amy, and Rita's direction. in an angrier tone.) Did you hear what he just called me?!

(Most everyone else in the room is too shocked or uncomfortable to break in. Grandma Barksdale appears resigned -- she knows there's nothing she can do to calm things down now. Helen turns to Jake.)

HELEN: (angry) Well if I'm a tyrant, Jake Morgendorffer, it's not because I've had a choice. If you had shown one ounce of common sense during the years we've been married --

JAKE: You've never given me the chance!

HELEN: You've never earned it! (Bt) I mean, my God, sometimes I look at you and I can't believe you can be so incompetent. (Bt) No one else in their right mind would make as many gross errors in parental judgment as you have.

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Name one.

(Helen laughs sharply.)

HELEN: Well for starters, the least you could do is get the girls' ages right! (Bt. to the other people) Did you know he thought Quinn was eleven?! [*] see "Lane Miserables"

(Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn.)

QUINN: (to Jake) You thought I was eleven?!!

(Resume shot of Jake and Helen.)

JAKE: That was just a minor oversight! A miscalculation...

HELEN: And there's plenty more where that came from.

JAKE: I've done really well with them, otherwise. You've just never noticed!

HELEN: Never noticed? Boy, wouldn't I sure like to notice. I'd like to know that there's something there inside you for me to trust. (Bt) You know Jake, sometimes I wonder how we've stayed married for so long.

JAKE: I've been wondering the same thing!

(Pause)

HELEN: (terse) Well if that's what we're both thinking, then maybe what we need is some time apart.

JAKE: I'm fine with that.

HELEN: Then you could prove to the world what a great man you'd be without me.

JAKE: You bet I will! The girls an' I can --

HELEN: The girls??

JAKE: Yeah, the girls!

(Pause)

HELEN: Oh yes, fine, the girls. The girls and you can just go off somewhere and you can apply all those remarkable parenting skills that I've never seen.

JAKE: Sounds great. And we'll start now!

HELEN: Now?!

JAKE: Why not? (Bt) Come on, girls -- we're leaving!

(Pause. Daria and Quinn remain rooted in their spot by the stairs. They glance at each other, deeply concerned. Meanwhile Helen's glaring at Jake, her eyes narrowed.)

HELEN: Jake, you're being ridiculous.

JAKE: And you're just afraid to let them out of your sight!

HELEN: That's not what I'm thinking at all, but if you want feel that way, fine. I'll show you who's the real tyrant.

(Beat. She turns to look at Daria and Quinn.)

HELEN: Come on, girls -- you heard what your father said! Come say good bye to all the company!

(Pause. Neither Daria nor Quinn makes a move.)

HELEN: (off screen) Girls!!

(Beat. Daria slowly moves away from the stairs and walks toward her parents. Quinn reluctantly follows. As she's walking Daria glances imploringly at Amy, but the expression on Amy's face tells her she's unable to help. When Daria reaches Helen and Jake, she looks pointedly at Helen.)

DARIA: Um... so we'll see you later... Mom?

(Pause. Helen glares sideways at Jake and doesn't respond.)

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Whoa...

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Daria's room, the present)

(Shot of Jane, Daria, and Quinn seated on Daria's bed.)

JANE: So that's what set off your dad's bid to be in the Indianapolis 500?

DARIA: You mean our joyride from hell? (Bt) Yeah, that pretty much did it.

(Beat)

JANE: Intense, I gotta say...

(Beat)

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) But bad as that ride in the car was, you want to know what really scared me?

JANE: What?

(Beat)

DARIA: The fact that I've never known my dad to be this serious before. It makes me wonder: what's gonna happen next?

TO BE CONTINUED.........

[roll the credits.........................]

Okay, there's no COMMENTARY for this one, 'cause I'm saving all my commentary for the second half. Instead, I just have many, many Points of Interest...

Evelyn and Howard Barksdale's marriage, according to the Kara Wild canon: 

Taking into account "Lawndale years," the year in which this fic is set would be 1998. Thus, Helen's parents were married in 1948.

As I have it envisioned, Howard Barksdale joined up to fight in World War II when he was 20 years old, in 1943. He then stayed in the army, fought in Korea, and traveled to army bases around the country with his wife and first two children. Then, when he realized that his long-awaited "son" was on the way (circa 1961), he retired to Rutherford and took over his father's business. See "The Tie That Chokes" for more details.

The age ladder: here's how I think the ages stack up... 

Helen: 1-3 years older than Rita, 8-12 years older than Amy

Howard Barksdale: 3 years older than Evelyn, making her 72 in 1998. (Don't know -- maybe the rest of you saw her as younger, but this age seemed right to me.)

Many people have speculated that Rita is, in fact, the oldest of the three sisters. I'll admit I thought that initially, but the way their personalities flow, it would seem natural for Helen to be the oldest. Plus, "I Don't" was chock-full of disapproval toward youth marriage; since Rita mentioned there that she'd made a few "bad decisions," my guess is that she married young, perhaps late teens or early 20's. But we won't really know until the show actually says...

Rita with more bite: I don't know if you've noticed, but I made Rita somewhat nastier than she appears in "I Don't." There, she struck me as strangely passive, almost like a space cadet. Since Amy said that she and Helen used to "go at it," I figured that perhaps she was just being civil for the wedding. Helen's pretty aggressive; if Rita were really that passive, all of their arguments would be one-sided. Anyway, it makes it more fun, doesn't it? :-) 

Why Amy looks like Grandpa Barksdale: Because Helen and Amy look so different, I figured they must get their looks from two different parents. Amy's aquiline nose seemed like something that would come from Dad , so I decided to make her the spittin' image of her father. It sets up all kinds of psychological dilemmas... 

Amy predictions: With my luck, the new "Daria" book coming out will blow my canon material out of the water, so here are some predictions about the Famous Aunt... 

Title of episode where she'll appear: "Chasing Amy"

Occupation: I could see her as a publisher, a web page designer, strangely enough, an accountant, or also strangely enough, an investor. I could not see her as a doctor (and only marginally a vet), someone who works in the public eye. 

Isn't it funny how she's only made two appearances, yet we in Fanficland have just run with her??

You on the L.C. board know how I love to make predictions. :-) You also know how often I'm wrong...

Acknowledgements: Thanks to C.L. Basso for all your hard work. I'll explain more about your efforts in my next postscript. :-)

If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

It's not quite over, yet, folks. My second part should be out in a week, so stay tuned... and thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright August 1999. All rights reserved.


	8. None in the Family, Part Two

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the eighth fic in my chronology, and the concluding part of "None in the Family." It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," and, of course, "None in the Family, Part One." 

I'd give it a 2.5S..... Ugh, why even pretend these scripts could fit into a half-hour????

Ten Spot Promo: An old one, in which you see the numbers, from 1 to 10, materialize in water. That one always frustrated me, because it seemed to take forever for the 10 to appear, and I was like, "Dammit, just let me watch 'Daria'!" Nonetheless, I'm using it here because I'm running out of other promo options...

(Black background. Suddenly we see Daria walk on screen and stand facing front, so that she's staring at us from the T.V. screen. Her demeanor is its usual deadpan.)

DARIA: Hello. Let me start out by saying that I'm not here to show clips from last week's episode. You know what happened. You read it. And if you haven't read it, it's not hard to find: look right above, and you'll see it's under the same title.

(Pause. Daria stands there impassively. Finally she sighs.)

DARIA: All right, all right, I'll humor you. Here's a brief run-through of what happened:

Dad, Quinn, and I have just returned from one explosive family reunion at Grandma Barksdale's house, where --

Mom blew up at Dad for not supporting her when she got humiliated by an old neighbor.

Dad blew up at Mom for humiliating him in front of the people at Grandma's party.

And Quinn and I got stuck in the middle.

Meanwhile, Quinn's mad at Erin for outdoing her in the popularity department.

And Erin's mad at Brian for being such a jerk. Surprise, surprise.

Grandma's mad at Aunt Amy for not involving her in her life.

I'm a little mad at her, too.

Amy seems like she's mad at Grandpa Barksdale for stuff he said to her when she was younger.

And Aunt Rita just seems like someone who's easy to irritate.

Well that should be enough to get you into the second half. So just sit back and enjoy. Or at least be glad this isn't your family.

[intro theme music...................]

NONE IN THE FAMILY PART TWO: UNMASKED byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, picking up where we left off in Part One)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn sitting on Daria's bed. Jane glances at Daria's clock.)

JANE: I'd better call Trent to let him know I haven't dropped dead. Or at least to make sure he hasn't.

(Beat)

DARIA: And we'd better tell our mom the same thing. Assuming the coast is clear.

(She nods to Quinn. They jump off the bed and head over to the door as Jane starts to make her call. Cut to shot of the outside hallway. Daria and Quinn open the door, creep out, and glance around. Pause. Daria sniffs the air and frowns.)

DARIA: Smells like Dad's venting his rage in the kitchen.

JAKE: (off screen): Gah! This apron's not flame-retardant!

DARIA: Yep.

(Beat)

QUINN: (cringing) Eww! I hope he doesn't, like, expect us to eat what he's making.

DARIA: With a little cunning, we won't have to. I have an idea. (She nods toward her room, and they go back in.)

(fade-out. fade-in to a brief time later. Daria and Quinn are huddled around the phone, while Jane sits on the edge of the bed, watching.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) Just try to sound as upset as possible. Don't lay blame on Dad -- just tell Mom we really want her home.

QUINN: Okay.

DARIA: If we succeed, whatever Dad's making will ne'er pass our lips.

(Quinn nods. Daria picks up the phone and dials.)

(Cut to shot of the phone ringing in the living room of the Barksdale residence. Amy's standing closest by, so she picks it up.)

AMY: Hello?

(Pause. Then cut to split-screen with Amy on the left and Daria on the right.)

DARIA: (a little stiff, recalling their last words in the den) Um hi, Aunt Amy.

AMY: (warmly) Hey, Daria. (Bt. calls over her shoulder.) Helen, your progeny are still alive.

DARIA: Um, could I speak with my mom, please?

(Beat)

AMY: Sure. (picking up on Daria's stiffness and guessing the cause.) Hey listen, Daria --

(Suddenly Helen bustles on screen.)

HELEN: Give me that. (grabs the phone from Amy, who rolls her eyes and walks off screen. speaks into the receiver in an anxious tone: ) Daria, are you girls all right?? What has your father done to you?!

DARIA: Besides teach us the finer points of road rage, not much.

QUINN: (off screen) Ow, Mom! I think I have whiplash!

HELEN: Whiplash!! Is that Quinn?! (Bt) Quinn, baby, it's okay. Mama's right here. Dammit, I'll kill your father -- tearing out of here the way he did --!

DARIA: (patient) Mom, she's fine. (Bt. covering the phone, grumbling to Quinn.) What did I say about laying blame on Dad?? (Bt. uncovers phone, to Helen.) We're both fine. We're just sitting here in my room, calling to find out when you're coming home.

(long Pause)

DARIA: Mom??

(Beat)

HELEN: Well... I'm not sure.

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: C'mon, Mom: you didn't really mean it when you said you and Dad would separate, did you? (Bt) It was just stress from your homecoming. (Bt. suddenly a little worried) Wasn't it?

(Beat)

HELEN: (uneasy) Daria... I don't know. What your father said to me...

DARIA: (rational) Now, Mom, as harsh as Dad was, surely twenty-three years of marriage, based on a solid foundation of love and support, can overcome it. (Bt) Besides, we miss you.

QUINN: (leaning in, trying to sound little-girlish) Yeah, Mommy.

(Pause)

HELEN: (maternal instincts kicking in) Ohhhhhh... my little angels. Just hearing your sweet voices is starting to --

(Suddenly she's interrupted by the clicking sound of another phone being picked up, followed by that of numbers being pressed.)

JAKE: (off screen. panicked) Is this 911?! Emergency! I think I just set my house on fire!!

HELEN: Jake, what on earth?!

JAKE: Helen?? (Pause. getting enraged) So -- you didn't trust me, did you?! Thought you'd spy on me and the girls!

HELEN: Jake, I don't trust you any farther than I can throw you. Which, considering how bloated your kiester has gotten since we were first married, means not at --

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?!

(Daria groans and shakes her head, realizing an opportunity's been lost.)

HELEN: I turn my back for one minute, and you set the house on fire!

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Shows you how much you know, Helen! I was just lying to test you. The house is fine!

HELEN: It damn well better be, Jake Morgendorffer!

JAKE: So don't go prying into other people's business the way you always do. Just leave us alone!

HELEN: Dammit, Jake, the first sign of any trouble --

JAKE: There isn't gonna be any! In fact, I was just gonna tell the girls that the soup's on!

DARIA: (mumbling) That's trouble enough for me.

(Beat)

JAKE: Daria?

(Beat)

HELEN: (fuming) Daria, tell your father if that's the way he feels, then fine. I'll just leave you alone. But remember: first sign of a problem, and you can get to Grandma's house by taking A24 --

JAKE: Oh no, you don't!

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Look, Mom, I'd better go. I'll talk to you soon.

(Beat)

HELEN: (uneasy, not wanting to get off) All... right... sweetie. Mom loves you.

DARIA: Um yeah. Me, too. (Pause) Bye.

(She hangs up. Pause. Cut to full screen of Helen, lingering on the phone.)

HELEN: Jake??

(Pause. We then hear the clicking sound of him hanging up, followed by the dial tone. Helen hold the phone a few seconds longer, then slowly lays it back on its cradle. She turns to Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and Amy, who have been eavesdropping from the living room couch. They're more or less alone; most of the guests at Grandma Barksdale's anniversary party left right after Helen and Jake's shoutdown. Helen walks over to them.)

HELEN: (wailing) Oh Mother, he's going to hurt my babies!

GRANDMA: (pacifying) Now sweetheart, aren't you being a bit overly dramatic?

(Helen drops into a chair beside her.)

HELEN: But who knows what kinds of horrible things he could be cooking for them?? Jake likes to experiment.

GRANDMA: (putting a hand on her shoulder) Now, now... he's their father. He wouldn't hurt them.

AMY: (under her breath) Unless arsenic's one of the experimental ingredients.

GRANDMA: (to Helen) You're getting yourself all tense and worked-up. Just relax.

RITA: Yeah, Helen, we'll get through this shattered-marriage thing together. God knows we've been waiting long enough for it to happen.

HELEN: (glaring at her) My marriage is not shattered!

GRANDMA: Of course it's not.

HELEN: It's just... a little... scuffed. (slumps forward.)

(Beat)

AMY: In the meantime, where were you planning to stay?

(Before Helen can reply, Mr. Norbert pokes his head through the dining room door.)

NORBERT: (to Helen) Don't worry, hon: the first realization that he's not getting any will make your hubby come crawling back to you.

(Helen veers around to look at him. Gets an expression of intense hatred.)

HELEN: Get out of here, you awful man!!!

NORBERT: Or to someone else.

HELEN: This is all your fault! Mother, make him leave!!!

GRANDMA: Harry, I'll see you at the next Homeowners' Alliance meeting.

NORBERT: I gotcha, Evie. (Bt. to Helen) And honey, if he doesn't come back to you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (nods to Rita and Amy, then exits.)

(Helen emits a loud, sharp groan and hangs her head. Pause.)

AMY: I'm really sorry I missed this one.

(Beat. Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita all look at her, irritated.)

GRANDMA: You're not funny, Amy. (Bt. turns to Helen) Sweetheart, you can stay here for as long as you need to.

HELEN: (sniffing a bit. voice a little foggy) Thank you, Mother.

RITA: And I'll ask Erin and Brian to check up on the girls in a few days. If they need that long.

HELEN: (sniff, sniff) You will? That's so thoughtful of you, Rita.

RITA: Pathetic-ness always brings out my good side.

AMY: So that explains why you pick such winners to be your boyfriends.

(Pause. Again, Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita give her irritated looks.)

AMY: Sorry -- couldn't resist. (Bt) I'll see if I can scrounge up a cell phone for you, Helen.

(Helen gets an expression of horror.)

HELEN: Oh my God! My phone!

(fade-out. fade-into: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of the table, where Jake, dressed in a singed "Kiss the Cook" apron, is ladling broth into three soup bowls.)

JAKE: (calling out) Get it while it's hot, girls!

(Pause. We then see Daria and Quinn walk on screen. They sit down -- Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's -- and peer cautiously into their bowls. Jake plops himself down in Quinn's usual spot.)

JAKE: It's matzo ball soup! A Morgendorffer family specialty.

(Beat)

DARIA: Chicken broth and bread crumbs. (Bt) I guess you can't go too wrong there.

QUINN: Ew, Daddy, what're these things?? (points to shriveled gray objects floating in the broth.)

JAKE: Mushrooms and anchovies, of course. Those were my addition.

DARIA: Of course.

JAKE: Regular matzo ball soup is so boring. This has much more flavor in it. (Bt) So go on -- eat up.

(Pause. Daria and Quinn just stare at their soup.)

QUINN: Um, Dad, I'd like to, but... I ate some of that yellow wiggly stuff at Grandma's house and I'm feeling kind of sick.

DARIA: Um yeah. Same here.

JAKE: Oh. (looks disappointed.)

(Beat)

DARIA: But, um, thanks for trying.

QUINN: Yeah.

JAKE: Aw nonsense! (does a fist pump.) It's something any with-it, take-charge kind of dad would do.

DARIA: Cool.

JAKE: I just want to be the type of dad you girls have always deserved.

DARIA: Can't object to that.

JAKE: And on top of cooking regularly for you, I'm gonna start boning up on some facts about your lives. With-it dads actually know stuff about their kids.

DARIA: You don't say.

QUINN: (looking worried) Everything??

JAKE: So I've heard! (Bt) For starters: Quinn, sweetie, how old are you now?

QUINN: (making a face) Not eleven, that's for sure. (Bt) I'm almost sixteen.

JAKE: (expression of horror) Sixteen?! That old?! (Bt) Bu-but you shouldn't be dating guys at your age. They've only got one thing on their mind, the lousy bastards --!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Dad, you knew Quinn was that old.

JAKE: (whimper-mumbling) But I kept trying to block it out...

(Beat)

QUINN: Well now that you know for sure, (voice takes on a crafty edge) how'd you like to be a really cool dad and take me car shopping??

JAKE: Aw gee, honey... if I was the kind of dad I was yesterday, I'd say, "You betcha! Just name the color!" But now that I'm a take-charge kind of dad, I'll say -- no way in hell.

(Quinn slumps forward. Daria smirks -- "This being stuck with Dad might not be so bad.")

JAKE: Let's see, now: Daria, you're se-ven-teen. Right??

DARIA: Correct.

JAKE: All right!

DARIA: (smirking) Boy, Dad, nothing gets past you.

JAKE: You'd better believe it! (Bt. eyes bulge, starts speaking in a rage-filled tone.) Although some people would have you think otherwise. They just don't trust --

DARIA: Um, Dad, speaking of "some people": how soon'll you feel you've proven yourself enough to Mom to make up and return our house to its normal state of tedium?

(Beat. Jake loses his enthusiasm.)

JAKE: Gee... I don't know, Daria. (Bt. eyes bulge again.) Maybe when she stops calling me an idiot an' starts taking me seriously!

DARIA: Okay, that's a valid concern. (Bt) But wouldn't it be better if you and Mom talked this through in person? Like in front of a therapist?

(Beat. Jake slumps forward.)

JAKE: Aw gee, that would never work. Your mom's real good at that talking crap. She'd say everything, an' I'd get to say nothing!

DARIA: True.

JAKE: An' in the end, the therapist'd just side with her. (Bt) I hate to say it, kiddo, but this separation's the only way we can work things out.

(Beat)

DARIA: I see. (Bt. heaves a sigh.) Well, then, I just hope it doesn't last too long. Quinn and I like having two parents.

QUINN: Yeah, Daddy. I miss Mom.

JAKE: (paternal instincts kicking in) Ahhhhh... I'm sorry, sweetie-pie. Daddy knows how hard it must be for both you girls. (Bt. resolute) But you gotta give me a chance. Would ya do that for me, huh?

(Pause)

DARIA & QUINN: (weary) Sure.

JAKE: Thanks! (Bt. leans over, takes a sip of the matzo ball soup, makes a sour expression.) Ewww!!

(He jumps up, takes all three bowls of soup, and goes over to dump them in the sink. Meanwhile Daria looks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Grandpa Barksdale must've really put a hex on Dad. He could actually resist your megadose of cuteness?

QUINN: (stunned) Yeah.

(Beat)

DARIA: Well so far, so good. But I'm almost afraid to see what other surprises the new Dad has in store for us.

(Jake reappears at the table.)

JAKE: Say, girls, I was thinking: since you're saving time by not eating, why not use it constructively? Your rooms could sure use a good cleaning.

(Beat)

DARIA: An interesting suggestion.

QUINN: Yeah, we'll give it serious thought, Dad.

(Beat. Jake's cheerful fa 


	9. Outvoted

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the ninth fic in my chronology. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," and "None in the Family, Part Two." 

Now brace yourselves: I've given my continuum a NAME. But I'm going to force you to read through this fanfic before learning what it is. :-)

Consider this the third of my three "competitive chick" fics. The first two, of course, were "Andrea Speaks!" and "Cheered Down."

I'd give it a 2S... not as long as "None in the Family, Part Two"! And although it's sort of dark, it's not as heavy, either...

And last but not least, I must apologize: I'd drafted this fic prior to the airing of "Jane's Addition," and couldn't figure out how to work in a reference to her new beau, Tom. But I will in future fanfics. Just assume that for now, he's hovering in the background somewhere. Tom Griffin appears briefly, though.

Oh, and if I didn't say so before... enjoy!!

Ten Spot Promo: The one where the woman's running in the woods. She falls, turns on the tape recorder thingy, then gets up and runs off. Yeah, I know I've used this before, but MTV reuses its Ten Spot promos, so what the hey...

[intro theme music...................]

OUTVOTED byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria standing in the hallway by their lockers. It's after third period, and students are milling about everywhere. Suddenly, from off screen overhead: )

MS. LI: Attention all students --

JANE: (to Daria) Eureka! She found the P.A.

DARIA: (deadpan) So those drug-sniffing dogs are good for something.

MS. LI: I would like to make a brief little announcement.

(Daria and Jane roll their eyes, knowing the announcement will be anything but brief.)

MS. LI: First, I would like to say once again how deeeeply upset I am about Dean McBale's little grade-changing enterprise. I was never so shocked in my life --

JANE: "Shocked?"

DARIA: Then she was the only one.

MS. LI: -- when I found out. But let's hope the student body president that succeeds him will do a better job upholding the honor of Laaaaaaaawndale High. And with that said, let me read out the names of the nominees...

(Beat. Daria and Jane exchange wary glances.)

JANE: Not another election. [*] see "Andrea Speaks!"

DARIA: Weren't you awake when we picked the nominees second period?

JANE: When have I ever been awake before third period?

DARIA: Point taken.

MS. LI: These students represent the top two vote-grabbers of the student body, the ones --

(Jodie walks up to Daria and Jane.)

JODIE: Hey, you guys.

DARIA & JANE: Hey.

JANE: (to Jodie) This election thing must have you pretty excited.

JODIE: Why?

MS. LI: -- for the good of democracy and -- oh blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, the first of our top nominees is (Pause) Sandra Griffin...

(Daria and Jane look at each other and cringe.)

MS. LI: And our second nominee is (long Pause) er... um... (disbelief) Jane... Lane??

(Daria and Jodie get expressions of shock.)

JANE: (calm) Whoa, Jodie, you weren't nominated??

MS. LI: (muttering) Dammit, they must have put her name instead of Jodie Landon's by mistake...

DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) Perhaps it's escaped your attention that you were.

JANE: Hmm, yeah, so I was. (Pause. it sinks in.) Whoa! How the hell did that happen??!

(Just then, Brittany and Kevin walk on screen, Brittany wearing her cheerleader's uniform once again.)

KEVIN: (goofy cheerful) Brit and I nominated you.

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) An' I got all the cheerleaders to vote for you!

DARIA: Somehow I knew there was a mental error behind this.

JANE: (to Brittany and Kevin. dry) And why me of all people?

KEVIN: Well duh! Our teacher said to nominate someone good at the art of governing.

BRITTANY: And no one's better at art than you are, Jane!

JANE: I had to ask.

BRITTANY: Ooh, I could make up a cheer for you! (Bt) Give me a J, give me an A, give me an --

JANE: (trying to get rid of them) Oh look -- talent scouts for football and supermodeling way over there. (points into the distance.)

BRITTANY & KEVIN: Ooh! (they run off.)

(Jane exhales with relief. She then sees Daria smirking.)

JANE: I hate you.

(Jodie chuckles, obviously finding humor in the situation as well. Jane turns to her.)

JANE: So, Jodie, you still haven't answered my question: why aren't you running??

DARIA: And if you say you weren't nominated, just remember: in some states it's a felony for your nose to be more than twelve inches long.

JODIE: (rolling her eyes amusedly) I was nominated. But I turned it down.

DARIA & JANE: Why??

(Beat)

JODIE: Look you guys, I've got a lot to handle already, what with my other activities and being vice-president...

DARIA: (sardonic) Oh yeah. Vice-president's an important office.

JANE: The highest office one can occupy without doing any real work.

(Jodie rolls her eyes again, this time looking sort of annoyed.)

JODIE: For your information, the vice-president has loads of responsibilities -- and my most important one's to keep the president in line.

(Jane and Daria glance at each other. Neither is completely satisfied with Jodie's response, but they know better than to press.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Pizza King, that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting in a booth, eating. Off screen, we hear the sounds of Brittany practicing a cheer.)

BRITTANY: Give me a J! Give me an A! Give me an... um, an I...!

(Jane tosses her hands in the air with exasperation.)

JANE: Would she just stop already?! When I'm president, the first thing to go will be cheerleaders and their incessant feel-good prattle.

DARIA: Not even president yet, and already you're planning your first genocide.

JANE: (smirking) I like to think big. (Pause. sighs, comes back to reality.) So, um, when Sandi's president, you think there'll be many changes in the way the school's run?

DARIA: (sardonic) Uh-huh. And all for the better. (Bt) I know I'm looking forward to "A Century of 'Waif'" becoming a course in our curriculum.

JANE: And to moving down to the basement, where all the unpopular and unattractive people will be separated from their social superiors.

DARIA: (smirking) That's nothing compared to what she'll do to the Fashion Club.

JANE: (wicked) Ah yes, I can see it now. Quinn and them will be made into Sandi's personal slaves, forced to kneel on the ground and kiss her Gucci sandals whenever she passes by -- in the process, messing up their hair, make-up, and cute little bondage gowns.

(As Daria smirks and readies a reply, we see Jodie walking over to them.)

JODIE: Hi guys. Talking about Jane's campaign?

DARIA: Wow. Two Jodie encounters in a single day.

JANE: What's the occasion?

JODIE: (good-naturedly) Knock it off.

(Beat)

JANE: We're just envisioning life under the Griffin administration.

JODIE: (surprised) You don't think you could be president, Jane?

(Beat)

JANE: (rolling her eyes) Aw c'mon, Jodie, look at me. These designer threads and holes in my ears scream "weirdo."

DARIA: (to Jodie) You've now entered Outcast Central. Population: no one who'd be here if they had a choice.

JANE: And no one's gonna elect an outcast president.

DARIA: Not that we'd want to be president in the first place.

JODIE: What do you mean?

JANE: (puzzled) Yeah, what do you mean?

(Beat)

DARIA: (to Jodie) I mean we outcasts have a hard and fast rule against joining mainstream student activities. No sports. No clubs. No corruption, no incrimination. We may be pathetic, but at least we have our integrity.

JODIE: (cocking a brow) Is that what you think, Jane?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: (sheepish) Well... I did get burned when I was on the track team last year. Better if I just let my candidacy fade into the sunset.

(Beat)

JODIE: I'm sorry you feel that way -- 'cause I was gonna offer you some campaign strategies.

JANE: (pleasant) Thanks but no thanks. Why don't you take your can-do attitude to another poor sap who needs it?

(Jodie shrugs, looking vaguely disappointed.)

JODIE: If that's how you feel. (Bt) See you guys later. (she leaves.)

DARIA & JANE: Bye.

(Beat)

DARIA: So with that, we allow Sandi Griffin, Ms. Popularity, her easy ascension to the throne.

JANE: Now even if I were going to run, would that outcome have changed? (Bt. sort of bitter) Boy, I can just see Sandi's smug little face as she plots her first official abuses of power...

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Griffin residence, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of Sandi.)

SANDI: There's no way I'm running for president!

(Cut to wider shot of the Griffins doing fondue in the dining room. Sandi's sitting across from Linda at one end of the table, while Tom, Sam, and Chris sit at the other end. Tom's struggling to prevent Sam and Chris from gouging each other's eyes out with their fondue forks. Meanwhile, Sandi and Linda talk as though they're the only ones in the room.)

LINDA: (cocking a brow) Now Sandi, that's loser-talk. I didn't raise you to be a loser, did I?

(Sandi slumps forward and swirls her stick in the fondue, a sulky expression on her face.) SANDI: No. (Bt) But if I run for president, everyone'll, like, think I'm some kind of student. Like I care about the school, or something.

LINDA: Sandi, must I remind you to keep your focus on the big picture?

SANDI: What big picture??

(Linda sighs sharply, as if the answer is obvious.)

LINDA: That you could gain a lot of influence at your school. And make contacts that could jump-start your future career.

(Beat)

SANDI: (rolling her eyes. haughty) Contacts? In high school??

(Beat)

LINDA: (annoyed -- Sandi has a point) Or being president would light up your college resume. And let's face it: it could use help. A lot of it.

(Sandi absorbs this comment with a resentful sneer.)

LINDA: Do you think I got where I am today by shirking opportunities like this?

SANDI: You mean from news anchor to marketing V.P.?

(Pause. Linda's eyes narrow slightly. Sandi knows she's hit a sore spot, but she's too irritated to enjoy her brief advantage. Continues to sit there with a sulky expression. Meanwhile Tom's extracted himself long enough from Sam and Chris's feud to catch part of the dialogue. He tries to be of some help.)

TOM: You know, when I was in high school --

LINDA: Tom? Did I say you could be a part of this conversation?

TOM: (chuckling uneasily) Well no, but I just assumed --

LINDA: Don't bother to assume, because when you do, you're wrong. Better to just let me do the assuming for the both of us, hmm'kay?

(Beat. Tom wilts.)

TOM: Fine.

LINDA: Good. (turns back to Sandi, cool and triumphant once again after the reprimand.) And as for you, Sandi --

SANDI: (in no mood for a lecture) Look, Mother, even if I do nothing for this stupid election, I'll probably win by a landslide. I'm up against some loser-freak nobody.

LINDA: Sandi, what did I just say about assuming? Complacency can lead to ruin. (Bt) If you hadn't been so complacent about being president of the Fashion Club, you wouldn't've --

SANDI: (looking slightly wounded) But I wasn't! I was just being nice to that stupid Quinn Morgendorffer because she fell off the stupid pyramid. How was I s'posed to know they'd make her president after I let her back in?? [*] see "Cheered Down"

LINDA: That's exactly my point. You weren't ready for her, and she got you. And you still haven't recovered from your fall, have you?

SANDI: (glaring) I would have if they'd've let me form another fashion club...

LINDA: There's no point in dreaming about the past. If you want to avoid that kind of humiliation a second time, you'd better get on the ball and work to secure your victory. Otherwise, who can predict the self-esteem spiral you could g--

SANDI: All right, Mom.

LINDA: And let me remind you again that I didn't raise you to be a quitter --

SANDI: I know. (Bt) God, you give me, like, this same speech every freaking week.

(Beat. Linda cocks a warning eyebrow -- "Strike two." Sam and Chris stop what they're doing, recognizing these warning signs, and start pointing and laughing at Sandi. Sandi rolls her eyes.)

SANDI: (coolly) You know what?? I think I'll go upstairs an' make some phone calls now. To help jump start my campaign.

(As she stands up, she sees Linda nod with approval.)

SANDI: It's been real. (she leaves.)

(Pause. Linda watches her go, then gets a calculating look on her face.)

LINDA: Hmmm...

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a couple of days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a poster of Sandi. She's posed in a way that one can't help but call "seductive," above a caption that reads: "How Can You Resist? Vote Sandi Griffin for president." Cut to a wider shot -- we see that the poster is one of many to line the walls of the hallway. Several people are staring at them, including Daria and Jane.)

JANE: (shaking her head. hushed) The girl works fast, I'll give her that.

DARIA: (deadpan) And if she puts as much effort into governing as she did into choosing a photogenic eyeliner, she'll be the best president this school's ever known.

JANE: Or ever will know.

(We then hear Sandi's voice from off screen, and see her stride past Daria and Jane without so much as acknowledging them. She's too busy being admired by an entourage of students. Pan shot to follow her.)

SANDI: (in the midst of answering someone's question) ... Of course there'll be parties every Friday. There has to be something worthwhile at this school.

MALE STUDENT: Will there be swimsuit models at these parties?

(Beat)

SANDI: I'll see what I can do.

(Sandi stops at her locker, and the group forms a circle around her. As she continues to talk, we see Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy creep up and stand on the sidelines. Tiffany and Stacy look awed, Quinn steamed.)

TIFFANY: (hushed) Wow...

STACY: Real-live swimsuit models...

(Beat)

QUINN: (irritated) Oh come on, you don't honestly believe she can do that, do you??

(Pause)

STACY: (shrugs her shoulders. admitting) I guess not.

(Beat)

TIFFANY: But it'll still be really cool if Sandi becomes president.

QUINN: Why, Tiffany??

TIFFANY: (vague surprise) 'Cause she could do a lot of big favors for us.

(Beat)

QUINN: (trying to be patient, but there's an edge in her voice) Why would she want to do us any favors?? Sandi hates us, remember??

(Tiffany and Stacy both exchange doubtful looks.)

STACY: Oh... I don't think she hates us. I mean, just because she hasn't talked to us in a month --

SANDI: (snotty tone) Um, excuse me: you three in the back --

(Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy turn to see Sandi giving them a freezing look.)

SANDI: -- could you, like, kindly shut your little traps while I'm talking?? This isn't, like, preschool.

(The comment is met with mild laughter from the crowd. Quinn's eyes narrow, while Tiffany and Stacy look surprised.)

QUINN: (dripping with faux graciousness) Oh, of course we will, Sandi.

STACY & TIFFANY: Yeah. We're sorry.

SANDI: Hmph, thank you. (tosses her hair. to the crowd.) Now as I was saying: another thing I'll try to do when I'm president is crack down on fashion phonies. (pointed glance at Quinn and the other F.C.'s.) You know -- people who tell you what you should wear when it, like, turns out to be totally wrong an' you end up looking like a freak...

(Other students glance at Quinn, who responds by gritting her teeth and walking away. Several of the male students watch her go with longing, and look as though they want to pursue, but Sandi's throat-clearing recaptures their attention. After a few seconds, Tiffany and Stacy follow Quinn. Pause.)

STACY: Hmm, I guess she does hate us.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Beat)

QUINN: She's just being a baby. Ever since she dropped out 'cause she could no longer be our president...

STACY: (wilted) Yeah.

(Beat. Quinn puts a hand to her forehead.)

QUINN: (semi-melodramatic) Oh God, she's probably already cooked up a scheme to get rid of us!

TIFFANY: Really?

STACY: (sounding worried) How?

QUINN: Who knows how?? Maybe by cutting our funding 'til the only place left we can afford to shop is (shudders) J.J. Jeeters.

TIFFANY: (horrified) Ugh!

STACY: (putting her face in her hands) Oh no, no!

TIFFANY: But if that's true, shouldn't we be trying to stay on Sandi's good side?

(Beat. Quinn stops in her tracks and spins around to face Tiffany.)

QUINN: (irritated) If you wanna suck up to Sandi, go right ahead. I've got other plans.

(She stalks off, leaving Tiffany and Stacy behind. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, still looking at Sandi's poster. Quinn comes over to them, stomps on the floor.)

QUINN: Dammit, Lane, you'd better win this election!

JANE: (sardonic) Whoa. We're on a last name basis, now, are we? To what do I owe --

QUINN: Don't make jokes -- this isn't funny! My whole future depends on whether you or Sandi gets elected.

DARIA: (deadpan) Hoping to ride the wave of nepotism to a cushy high-level position?

QUINN: (ignoring her. to Jane) You do realize that one word from "President Sandi" and the Fashion Club could be history, don't you??

JANE: (wicked delight) Yes, the thought had crossed my mind.

(Quinn glares at her.)

JANE: And sometimes, when life tosses you these kinds of lemons --

DARIA: (smirking) You just gotta suck them dry.

(Beat)

QUINN: (sarcastic) Gee, I'm glad you guys're so understanding. 'Cause if the Fashion Club splits up, I'm gonna have a lot of free time on my hands.

DARIA: Which you could use constructively.

JANE: Yeah -- like form a new club: "Fashion Club Anonymous." Where people learn to put aside their petty obsession with exterior qualities in order to focus on (dramatic pause) the beauty within.

DARIA: (deadpan) F.C.A.: helping fashion victims regain their sanity one day at a time.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Actually, I was thinking I could spend my free time giving makeovers to all the losers around me. (looks pointedly at Jane and Daria, who go pale.)

DARIA: You wouldn't.

QUINN: (smirking) Watch me.

(Beat)

JANE: (to Quinn) Okay, crazy thought: if you're so worried, why don't you run for president? You'd probably have a better shot than I would.

QUINN: (tossing her hands in the air) Are you kidding?? I turned it down. I have better things to do.

(Daria and Jane rolls their eyes at her illogic. Quinn gives up trying to appeal to them and walks away. Pause)

JANE: (peevish) That girl just drained all the fun out of my non-candidacy.

DARIA: Don't let her get to you. (Bt) Just imagine the hell we'll put her through when she tries to make us over.

JANE: (wicked) When she starts to do our hair -- diabetic seizure right on the ground.

DARIA: (smirking) That's the spirit. (Pause. sees that Jane has suddenly gone reflective.) Jane?

JANE: Yo.

DARIA: What're you doing?

(Beat)

JANE: I'm wondering how well people could "resist" Sandi if her posters got some facial hair and a few well-placed warts. And I'm imagining a bunch of my really cool art designs next to them.

DARIA: Art designs? (Bt. frowns) Wait, you're not thinking of running, are you?

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: I dunno. (Bt) I mean, what would be so bad about it?

DARIA: For starters: the fact that no office is worth what you have to go through to get it. Sandi Griffin would eat you alive.

JANE: Nah she wouldn't -- too afraid of weight gain.

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes, realizing it will be difficult to get through to Jane.)

DARIA: And as much as we joke about the president having so much power, when all's said and done, he's just an empty suit. Ms. Li runs the show at this school.

(Jane frowns and nods in agreement.)

DARIA: (continuing) Everyone knows that. About all the president can do is give perks to the cronies who elected him. (Bt) Sure, I'd like my own walk-in locker, but not if it means watching you get manipulated by the powers above.

(Pause)

JANE: (reflective) Yeah, I understand. (Bt) But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe I could change things...

DARIA: (skeptical) Like how?

(Beat. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: I don't know. It was just a thought.

DARIA: Well if I were you, I'd think about something more plausible. Like manning the first space mission to Pluto.

(Pause. Jane heaves a sigh.)

JANE: (slightly peevish) You always know how to deliver that ray of sunshine just when I need it, don't you?

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Lane house, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane sitting at the kitchen table, sipping herbal tea. Off screen, we hear a loud, badly-played chord. Jane doesn't even flinch. We then see Trent waltz into the kitchen, guitar in hand, to make coffee.)

TRENT: Hey, Janey.

JANE: Hey. (Bt) Yo, Trent, could I have some advice?

TRENT: Advice? (Bt) I dunno. Advice sounds kind of... authoritarian.

(Jane rolls her eyes with amused exasperation.)

JANE: Not if you don't hold a gun to the person's head and force them to follow through.

(Beat)

TRENT: Hmm... good point. (Bt) Okay, what's up?

(Beat)

JANE: Well... some idiots put me in sort of a bind by nominating me for student body president.

(Trent cocks a coolly-impressed eyebrow.)

TRENT: Whoa, really?

JANE: (hushed, with disbelief) Yeah... really. (Bt) Who'd've thought, huh?

TRENT: President. Now that's real authority.

JANE: I'll say. (Bt) I mean, it's something I'd've never gone for on my own, but now that the opportunity's fallen into my lap...

(Beat)

TRENT: You're thinking you wanna go for it?

JANE: Um, yeah. (Bt) What d' you think?

TRENT: Hmmmmm....

(long Pause. Jane gets impatient waiting for him to respond.)

JANE: Daria doesn't think I should. She's given me a lot of good reasons not to run, but... I'm not so sure I want to consider them.

TRENT: Why not?

(Beat. Jane flushes a little with uncharacteristic embarrassment.)

JANE: (awkward) 'Cause I mean... why shouldn't I run? Isn't the student body president supposed to represent everybody? (Bt) I may not be as popular as the other girl who's running, but I did get nominated fair and square.

TRENT: Hmmm... good point. JANE: And Daria's a really great friend, but sometimes I think she takes her glass-half-empty philosophy too far.

TRENT: (looking reflective) Hmmm...

(Jane's so absorbed in her problem, she doesn't even realize she could've messed up the chance to pair Trent with Daria.)

JANE: (frustrated) Or maybe I'm just being stupid. (slight chuckle) Like I could put together a campaign that would actually beat Sandi Griffin. I'm not even the competitive type.

TRENT: True.

JANE: So... forget I said anything. (shakes her head.) Bad idea, Jane.

(Pause)

TRENT: Dunno. Maybe not so bad.

JANE: Really?

TRENT: Yeah. Why should you have to give up on a dream just 'cause some people say it's not meant to be? Man, if I'd listened to all the naysayers out there, I'd've never joined Mystik Spiral.

JANE: So --

TRENT: (going of on a self-indulgent rant) Instead I'd be wasting my life, wearing a straitjacket they call a "suit and tie," forced to listen to crappy elevator music every morning on the way up to my big office. Bitter. Angry. Ready to kill, ready t --

JANE: Trent.

(Beat)

TRENT: Sorry. (Bt) What I mean to say is if you wanna go for president, Janey, go for president. (Bt) Even if you're not as popular as the other girl, I'll bet you're just as smart. You've got as much to offer that school as anyone else.

(Jane smirks with gratitude.)

JANE: Thanks, Trent. It means a lot to hear you say that.

TRENT: Any time, Janey. (Pause. looks at the coffee label.) Dammit -- decaf. Who bought that? (Bt) Oh yeah, guess it was me. I'd better go buy some real stuff -- gonna pull an all-nighter. (Bt) See ya. (walks out of the kitchen.)

JANE: Later, Trent.

(Pause. Then Jane stands up and walks over to the phone. Hesitates before dialing, then lays it against her ear. Pause.)

JANE: Hi, Jodie? It's me, Jane. How'd you like to talk campaign strategy?

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Sandi walking past Jane and Daria with her entourage.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Quinn's math teacher has big plans for Quinn. But can he rely on Jake to be the overseer?? Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

According to Head and Shoulders, the worst thing to happen to you on your wedding day isn't your betrothed dumping you, or a grisly death during the ceremony. It's... getting flakes on your shoulder. Well of course! I didn't even think that had to be said, it was so obvious... 

Ecampus.com: the one where the guy stands there and burps the information. Wow, that'll really make me want to buy school supplies over the Internet. Never mind that I couldn't even understand what he was... er, saying. 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

OUTVOTED

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, a couple of days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a poster containing swirly colors and abstract shapes. Cut to wider shot -- that poster, and many more like them, are spread across the hallway, alongside the Sandi posters. We see Jane, Daria, and Jodie gazing at them. Jane is smirking triumphantly, Daria's deadpan, Jodie neutral. It's in between classes, and we see several people walking to and fro.)

JANE: (gesturing at one poster) Well voila! That's the last of 'em.

(Beat)

DARIA: Very colorful.

JODIE: Um, yeah.

JANE: So do they say Jane Lane or what??

(Beat)

DARIA: Actually, "what" was the word I was grasping for. As in what is it?

JANE: (waving her arms energetically) It's unconventionality! It's freedom of expression! It says "Jane Lane is an original"!

DARIA: An original nut case?

(Beat. Jane frowns mildly at her. Before she can respond: )

MS. LI: (over the P.A.) Attention students: in a moment, I will be playing a campaign song for Ms. Jane Lane. And let's remember to rock the vote in three weeks!

(Pause. Daria and Jodie look at Jane questioningly.)

JANE: Oh yeah -- did I mention Trent wrote and recorded a campaign song for me?

DARIA: Trent??

JANE: Yeah -- he really got inspired. (Bt) But what's even weirder is that Ms. Li seemed completely okay with me playing it. I thought she'd just blow me off, but she actually seemed (cringes a little) happy.

JODIE: That is weird.

DARIA: Yep. Though after seeing my mom make decorative coasters last night, I'm ready for anything.

(The music starts to play. It's soft, very similar to the music for the jingle in "The Lawndale File." After a few seconds, we hear Trent singing.)

TRENT:  
Jane she's pretty cool,  
A real cool cat.  
She goes to high school,  
Ain't nothin' beat that...

(More guitar strumming. Daria and Jodie stare at Jane. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: So it's not Shakespeare.

TRENT:  
You gotta be a fool  
If you-don't-vote-for-her. So... (sudden loud strumming.)

VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!  
VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!

(Daria and Jodie are now cringing. Jane looks uneasy, as though she's regretting her decision to play the song.)

TRENT:  


VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!  
VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!

(Cut to shot of Quinn in the hall. Like the other students, she's transfixed. Wears a horrified expression on her face.)

TRENT:  
YOU'LL DRIVE ME INSANE  
IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR JANE!!! (more guitar strumming.)

(Quinn puts a hand to her forehead.)

QUINN: Oh God, no!

(She suddenly realizes that Sandi is standing next to her, smirking at her obvious humiliation. Quinn lamely tries to recover.)

QUINN: Um, I mean: oh no, I hope this isn't the only time we get to hear this song.

SANDI: (not convinced) Uh-huh.

(She and Quinn exchange predatory smiles.)

TRENT:  
Jane she's pretty cool,  
She goes to high school.  
You gotta be a fool  
If you don't vote vote vote vote (loud strumming.)

VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!  
VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!  
VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR JANE!!!

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE  
VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE  
JANE, JANE, JANE, JANE, JAAAAAAAANE!!! (one final strum, then silence.)

(Cut to shot of Jane, Daria, and Jodie. Jane cringes slightly, looking amused and embarrassed. Suddenly the people around them start cheering.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Sandi. The people near them have started cheering, too. In response, Sandi's expression changes from triumphant to shocked. Quinn looks relieved. Resume shot of Jane, Daria, and Jodie, looking bewildered.)

MS. LI: (over the P.A.) Yes, yes, that was a lovely song. Now quickly allow your anarchic excitement to die down, or I'll sic the riot squad on you. That is all.

(Pause. We then see Brittany running up to Jane, Daria, and Jodie, waving her pom-poms.)

BRITTANY: Wow, Jane, that sounded just like my cheer. Go, Jane, go! Yeah!!!! (jumps up in the air.)

(Before Jane can respond, Brittany runs off. Then Kevin appears.)

KEVIN: (goofy cheerful) Hey Jane, cool song. And catchy. "Vote vote vote vote vote... vote... vote..." (looks at Jane for help.)

JANE: For Jane.

KEVIN: Oh yeah! I got it! (flashes a thumbs up, then runs off.)

(Meanwhile, Daria looks like her usual impassive self, and Jodie is smirking.)

JANE: (amused and exasperated) Geez, who'd've thought Trent could write such a crowd pl--

(Just then Sandi waltzes past, wearing a typical condescending smirk.)

SANDI: Cute song. (Bt) If the rest of your campaign is as good, this might almost be a race.

(Jane frowns as she disappears off screen. Pause.)

JANE: (hushed) Don't underestimate me, Sandi.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Lane house, that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane, Daria, and Jodie seated at the kitchen table. Jodie's holding a notepad for writing down the campaign ideas Jane has. So far, her notepad is almost blank.)

JANE: Okay, okay... how 'bout this? Mandatory art classes for all students.

(Daria says nothing, but instead looks at Jodie to see her response. She's nixed the last several of Jane's ideas.)

JODIE : (neutral-toned) Uh-huh.

JANE: None of your cutting art to make more room for the three R's -- no sir! It's my belief that if we all took more art classes, we'd lose that aggressiveness that's made Western Civilization so unpleasant these past few centuries. Then we'd stop competing with each other, there'd be no more cliques, and our school would be a better place. Problems solved. (brushes her hands together in a satisfied manner.)

JODIE: Um, uh-huh. (the notepad remains blank.)

(Beat)

JANE: (sensing her lack of enthusiasm. with slight exasperation) Now what's wrong with that?

(Beat)

JODIE: Nothing, Jane. But... I'm just not sure it's practical.

DARIA: (to Jodie. sardonic) Do tell.

JODIE: First of all, I doubt you could convince the school board to increase our art funding. Not when we're using history text books from 1967.

JANE: Hmm, yeah -- that explains why we're so obsessed with Communism around here. No one seems to realize the Soviet Union fell almost ten years ago.

JODIE: Right. (Bt) Second, it doesn't seem like something that could really address the needs of the student body. It's sort of a "feel-good" solution.

JANE: Hmm... yeah. (looks sort of distressed. flops back in her chair.) Well then what should my message to the students be?? I'm fresh out of ideas.

(Jodie pauses to think.)

DARIA: (to Jane) Why even have a message? Just telling the students you won't sic the fashion police on them should be enough.

JANE: (exasperated) Should be -- but for some twisted reason, they seem to look up to Sandi. I wanna know how I can work around that.

JODIE: Well, I found during my campaign for vice-president that just listening to the students' problems went a long way toward gaining their trust.

JANE: (like it's a foreign concept) Listening?? You mean like... I ask, they tell? (Jodie nods.) And that works?

JODIE: You'd be surprised. (Bt) When Dean was president, he left a lot of students to be ignored. I bet most of them would love to spill their guts to you.

JANE: (smirking) Then I could be their hero. I like that.

(Beat)

DARIA: But how can you be so sure Dean didn't start out with that attitude?

JANE: Please, Daria, the guy was a corrupt grade-changing shark who didn't give a damn about anything beyond himself. (Bt) Whereas I'd at least be real to my fellow classmates.

DARIA: (wrinkling her nose) Real?? You think playing Oprah is your way of being real?

(Jodie rolls her eyes at Daria's tone -- she's been a pessimist all afternoon. Jane looks at Daria with a peevish expression.)

JANE: Well why not?? I can listen as well as the next guy. They talk, I say "uh-huh." No sweat.

DARIA: If you say so.

(Beat)

JANE: Hey, Jodie? That reminds me: um, how d' you keep from looking bored when others talk to you?

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, the next day -- first day of "Jane Lane's Listening Tour")

(Shot of the outside. Shot of some students lying on the grass near the parking lot. We see Jane approach them with an unusual degree of awkwardness. Jodie and Daria follow.)

JANE: Um... hey, guys.

(Pause. The students look up at her, wearing expressions that range from impassive to confused.)

JANE: Um, I don't suppose you'd know me. I'm Jane Lane.

(Pause. No response.)

JANE: I'm... running for student body president?

(Pause. Jane glances back at Jodie for guidance. Jodie gives her a nod that says, "You're doing fine. Keep going." Just then, one of the students shows signs of awareness.)

MALE STUDENT: Oh yeah. Aren't you the one who painted the gym to look like some guy's car crash? [*] see "Daria Dance Party"

JANE: (relieved) Guilty as charged.

FEMALE STUDENT: That was really creepy.

JANE: Thanks! (Bt. sighs, knowing the girl didn't mean that in a humorous way.) Look, I'm a pretty normal person, honest. Don't believe the lies the school psychiatrist tells you.

(Pause. The students frown.)

JANE: I'm kidding. (Bt) The reason I'm here, in fact, is to show you that I'm not your typical ivory tower candidate. I've spent my whole student career as an outsider, so I know how it feels to not be heard. So if you have any complaints, problems about the school, I'm the one to talk to.

(Pause)

MALE STUDENT: (doubtful) And you'll help us?

JANE: I'll try my best.

(Beat. The students look at each other, their faces brightening.)

FEMALE STUDENT: So if I asked you to do something about the lack of toilet paper in the women's bathrooms, you would?

(Jane, Jodie, and Daria all cringe, understanding her problem.)

JANE: Ugh, you bet.

MALE STUDENT: And you'd convince Ms. Li to change her "no T-shirts with subversive logos" policy?

JANE: I could probably arrange something.

FEMALE STUDENT 2: And you'll ask them to clean the gum out of the drinking fountains?

MALE STUDENT: Or to replace the textbooks that have no front or back cover??

JANE: Ugh, yes. (Bt. amazed) Boy, I didn't realize what a crappy school we went to. I'll look into everything.

FEMALE STUDENT 2: Great!

MALE STUDENT: I already like you better than Dean McBale.

JANE: (smirking) Just remember that on election day. (Bt. turns to Daria and Jodie.) Hey, these're starting to add up. Do either of you have something I could use to write them down?

(Daria shrugs, empty-handed. Jodie starts to pull something out, when we see a hand reach over from off screen with a pad and pen. Jane frowns.)

UPCHUCK: (off screen) Allow me, luscious Jane. (pan over to show him.)

JANE: (backing away) Forget it, Upchuck. I'd sooner pick a notebook out of the trash than touch something that's had contact with your body.

UPCHUCK: Grrrrrrrr... feisty! I like that in my female presidents!

JANE: Then you'll love the swift kick in the groin I'm about to give you.

UPCHUCK: (cringing a little) Uh -- but don't I get to tell you my problem?

(Beat. Jane sighs heavily.)

JANE: Yes.

UPCHUCK: Ahhhh... (rubs his hands together with anticipation.) My problem is that there are so many fine ladies, and only one little me. Can you talk Ms. Li into letting me clone myself in the science room?

(Beat)

JANE: I would, Upchuck, but I think even Ms. Li would be against unleashing a plague on the student body.

(Her response is met with mild laughter.)

JANE: Find a good laboratory that's looking for experimental subjects instead.

UPCHUCK: (looking defeated, but impressed) Grrrrrrrr... even when she repels, she attracts! Grrrrrrr...

(He leaves. Jane slaps a hand to her forehead, then sees Daria cocking a droll eyelid at her.)

JANE: Boy, this listening stuff is harder than it looks.

(From off screen: )

SANDI: (calling out) You know, some believe that those who just listen don't have anything to say.

(Jane, Daria, and Jodie turn to look. Cut to shot of Sandi lounging on the hood of her car in the parking lot, surrounded by yet more admiring students. Jane walks over to them.)

JANE: (folding her arms) Really? And which esteemed scholar coined that expression?

SANDI: My mother. (Bt) She taught me that the only way to be a true leader is to be persuasive.

JANE: (sardonic) A visionary?

(Daria and Jodie come over.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Which must be why the Fashion Club is the cutting-edge institution it is today.

SANDI: (missing the sarcasm) Exactly. (Bt. looks pointedly at Jane.) And if you can't take the heat, maybe you should get out of the, um... sun, or something.

(Several members of her entourage laugh.)

MALE STUDENT: Good one, Sandi.

(Sandi smirks at him like a dog owner who's pleased that her pet has performed the right trick.)

JANE: (exasperated) Okay, Sandi. So what exactly are the big schemes you've designed to dig a hole and bury me in it?

(Sandi shudders, and glares at her.)

SANDI: You don't have to get gross about it. But since you asked... (knowing glance at her entourage) what d' you say to four-hour school days? Or to being able to fire the teachers you don't like??

ENTOURAGE: Ooh!!!

JANE: I'd say great -- if I thought it could work.

SANDI: (smirking) Oh, it'll work, all right.

JODIE: (annoyed) The president doesn't have the authority to do that, Sandi.

SANDI: Maybe not now, but when I assume the position --

DARIA: No one will resist? No guys, anyway.

SANDI: (not getting it) Uh... yeah.

JODIE: Sandi, being president won't give you powers that not even the school board has.

SANDI: (getting defensive) How do you know? Maybe all it takes is the right person to do --

JANE: Okay, well let's say you do manage to enact a plan that lets the students fire teachers they don't like. Say one kid decided to fire a teacher who'd made his life a living hell. But the problem is, that same teacher who he hated turned out to be another student's only link to sanity.

(Beat. Sandi watches her blankly.)

JANE: And when that teacher left, the student snapped, and decided to take out his revenge not only on the kid who'd fired the teacher, but on every student who'd ever looked at him the wrong way.

(We hear a collective gasp from the crowd, and see many students get fearful expressions. Daria looks subtly impressed by the way Jane took command of the situation. Jodie, too, appears pleased. Meanwhile, Sandi looks a little freaked out. Then she glares at Jane.)

SANDI: Weirdo. You know that would never happen.

JANE: Don't be so sure about that, Sandi.

SANDI: Why? Is it something you've been planning??

(At this, Jane frowns. Daria and Jodie also frown darkly.)

DARIA: Hey, Sandi --

JANE: (maintaining her cool) Just where d' you come up with that idea?

SANDI: 'Cause only a freaky Goth chick like you could be that screwed-up.

JANE: (slowly losing her cool) I prefer Gothic art chick, thank you.

SANDI: (smirking) Whoops. Sorry. Don't want to upset you.

(She glances at the members of her entourage, several of whom respond with nervous giggles.)

JODIE: (eyes narrowing) Don't listen to her, Jane.

JANE: (irritated) Look, Sandi, I've had just about enough --

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

QUINN: (chipper) Hi, you guys!

(She saunters on screen, casts a pointed, irresistible look at the male members of Sandi's entourage, then walks away. A large number of the guys look as though they're struggling between staying with Sandi or going after her. Finally they break away and run after Quinn. Cut to shot of Quinn and the guys.)

QUINN: (tossing her hair. innocent tone) Y' know, I was thinking: wouldn't it be really cool if Jane Lane was president?

GUYS: Uh-huh!!

(Sandi forgets what she and Jane were fighting about, and watches this exchange with a shocked expression. Jane smirks with relief.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (school hallway, Monday the following week)

(Shot of Jane and Daria at their lockers. They're acting like their usual selves, but there's definite tension between them. While Jane fiddles around in her locker, Daria reads the underground newspaper. Just then, Jodie comes up to them with the school paper in hand.)

JODIE: Hey Jane, don't feel discouraged: the Lowdown says you're starting to creep up on Sandi in the polls.

JANE: I am?? (looks at the article to which Jodie's pointing, gets an amazed look on her face.)

JODIE: It says a lot of people really like that you're bothering to listen to them. And that they've found holes in Sandi's so-called "vision" for the school.

JANE: Well I'll be damned. (Bt) You know it's funny that Ms. Li hasn't caught whiff of her schemes.

JODIE: She probably doesn't take them seriously.

JANE: This is Ms. Li we're talking about.

DARIA: More likely she knows Sandi's popular, so she cuts her slack she wouldn't you.

JANE: (brow wrinkling with concern) Hmmm...

JODIE: Well anyway, your outsider approach also seems to be affecting how students see you.

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid at the word, "approach.")

JODIE: (to Jane) You don't come across as one of the elitists. You're down-to-earth. People are starting to see you as a force of change.

JANE: Well zippidy-doo-dah -- I feel like celebrating! This loner art chick's proving to the world that she's not gonna lie down an' fade away.

JODIE: (smiling) Easy, there: don't celebrate too soon. You've still got a lot of people to talk to, and then there's the speech you have to give on election day.

JANE: (pumped-up) Well bring it on -- I'm ready for anything. (Bt) Say, Daria, any news about my surge in the underground paper?

(Pause)

DARIA: Hmm... nope. Not a word. (Bt) Although there is this article about a girl who thought she could beat the popular crowd, but instead she let herself be turned into them.

(Pause. Jodie and Jane pick up on Daria's subtle meaning and frown.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (lunchtime, later that day)

(Shot of Jodie walking with Jane through the cafeteria.)

JODIE: Don't let her get to you.

JANE: You mean Daria and her incurable self-righteousness?? (rolls her eyes and sighs.) I'm trying not to, but it's hard when your best friend won't support you on something that's important.

(Jodie nods with understanding.)

JODIE: It could be she's just jealous. You know, 'cause you had the courage to run for office and she didn't.

(Jane shrugs.)

JANE: Yeah, maybe so. (Bt. frowns) Though this isn't the first time she's rained on my parade.

JODIE: Look, Jane, I know Daria's your best friend, and her opinions mean a lot to you. But if you want to do what you need to for this election, you may just have to ignore her.

(Beat)

JANE: (resigned) Yeah. You're right.

(Cut to shot of a table of nerds. Jane and Jodie approach them.)

JANE: (hushed) This listening stuff is still a little weird to me. So's spouting campaign sound bites. It just doesn't feel quite real. (Bt. half-joking) You sure you wouldn't rather run in my place?

JODIE: (hushed) You're doing fine. I know sound bites suck, but they're a necessary evil in politics.

(Jane nods, then glances at the nerds and makes a throat-clearing sound. The nerds look up at her.)

JANE: (mustering a cheerful tone) Hey guys, the name's Jane Lane and I'm running for student body president. I'm here to listen so if you've got a problem, any problem, I'm your girl.

(Pause. The nerds look at each other questioningly. Suddenly one gets up -- one we recognize as Barry from "'Shipped Out." He looks enraged, and points a finger at Jane accusingly.)

BARRY: (squeaky Corey voice) Don't believe her, men! This woman set me up with that foul temptress, Daria Morgendorffer! (to Jane) Oh you'll pay. You'll paaaaaaaaay!

(Jane looks at Jodie and groans.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (the next day, the first of a montage of scenes taking place throughout the week)

(The toned-down portion of the music from Jane's campaign song plays throughout this montage. Shot of Jane standing on the volleyball court in the midst of a gym class game. She's surrounded by curious students, to whom she's talking with much more confidence than the day before. Keeps making exaggerated gestures to illustrate her points. Meanwhile Daria stands in the background, impassive.)

JANE: ... And when I say I'm here to hear, I mean I'm here to hear, 'cause I know what it's like to not be listened to. (pauses momentarily to hit a flying volleyball back over the net without so much as looking at it.) Heck, I'll even listen to you! (looks pointedly off screen.)

(Pan over to show Andrea sitting in the bleachers. She stares back at Jane blankly. Resume shot of Jane.)

JANE: See, like the rest of you, I, too, feel like I'm not being heard by the powers-that-be at the top of the food chain. Which is why I'm determined to be the first candidate who truly cares --

(Cut to close-up of Daria. She rolls her eyes. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Sandi heading out the door of one of the school buildings in the direction of the quad. She suddenly freezes and gets a shocked look on her face - cut to her POV. We see Jane sitting at a table littered with various art supplies, in the midst of painting a student's face and listening his problems. Behind the student is a line of other students that looks about a mile long. Several people who've already had their faces painted are standing nearby, gazing at each other, and Jane, admiringly. Resume close-up of Sandi. Her shock has been replaced by irritation, and as she slowly turns around to go back inside, she continues to watch the activity in the quad with a dark frown.)

(Cut to close-up of Jane. She's been sitting at the table, painting and listening to the students for a long time. Her expression is now one of weary cheerfulness. As she nods her head to the one student's voice, she peers out at the long, long line behind him. Closes her eyes, gets a "Why me?" look on her face. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Jane walks down the hall with a group of students that's smaller, yet similar to the entourage Sandi had in Act One.)

MALE STUDENT: (to Jane) You'll get them to serve vegan in the cafeteria?

FEMALE STUDENT: You'll make sure they install private showers in the locker rooms?

JANE: (enthused) I'll do my best. Remember: when you're listened to, you're already halfway to the final results. (pumps a fist for emphasis.)

STUDENTS: Cool!

(They pass by Ms. Li and Mrs. Manson, the school psychologist. Pause shot on the two of them.)

MANSON: (hushed) Don't you find the messages she espouses to be disturbing?

MS. LI: (unusually nonchalant) Oh fiddle-faddle! It's just good clean student fun!

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Jane, sitting on one of the desks in DeMartino's classroom, some time after class. DeMartino stands over her, lecturing, while Jane watches him with a wary expression.)

DeMARTINO: My only hope, Candidate LANE, is that you've absorbed enough of my TEACHING to understand how to be a good civic LEADER --

(Just then, O'Neill passes by the open door of the classroom, his face red and eyes teary. Looks inside, sees Jane.)

O'NEILL: (wailing) I need someone to listen to me!!!

(He rushes toward her. Jane cringes, jumps off the desk, and looks at her watch.)

JANE: Whoops! I'd love to but -- gotta go!

(She runs off. DeMartino's eye bulges and he frowns in a "surprise, surprise" manner. Then he glances uneasily at the whimpering Mr. O'Neill. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Jane sitting on the grass, listening to a student wrap up a summary of financial problems.)

MALE STUDENT: It was really nice of you to sit here so long.

JANE: (sober) Hey, it's no problem. Maybe I can help.

MALE STUDENT: (grateful) Thanks, but I think it'd take a miracle for me to afford that kind of tutoring.

JANE: Yeah, well, you may have just met the miracle worker.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (hallway)

(Music ends. Shot of two guys passing out T-shirts and buttons bearing the same funky design as the one on Jane's posters. Over the design reads the message: "I'm here to hear." In the background, we hear the muffled sounds of Jane talking. From off screen: )

SANDI: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!

(The guys get shocked looks on their faces and drop the stuff on the ground. Sandi walks up to them with a stormy expression on her face.)

GUYS: Uh...

SANDI: You were supposed to be passing out stuff for my campaign, not for that loser's.

GUYS: But uh... Q-Quinn said...

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) Quinn.

(She marches away, in Quinn's direction. On the way, she sees Brooke, the wanna-be F.C., also passing out Jane's stuff. Brooke catches site of Sandi's evil eye and cringes guiltily. We then see Sandi head toward Quinn, who's cheerfully standing off to the sidelines, passing out more buttons. She sees Sandi and smirks.)

QUINN: (chipper) Hi, Sandi! Good luck on election day!

(Sandi can't reply -- she just stalks away and stands by another part of the crowd. We see a lot of familiar faces, including Kevin, Brittany, and Mack, as well as Jodie and Daria, who aren't standing together. Jodie's watching Jane with approval, Daria with her usual impassiveness. Jane's standing on a chair, talking to some of the students.)

JANE: ... Well sure I can look into it, I don't see why not. I mean like I've been saying all along, I'm here for you. Isn't that what the president's all about??

(Mild clapping from the audience, and several pleased looks. Near Daria, we see a hyper-charged Kevin and Brittany.)

KEVIN: (to Brittany) Hey, babe, you think Jane'll give the football players special parking spots outside of homeroom? Y' know, for in case we, like, oversleep or somethin'.

BRITTANY: Let's ask her, Kevvy!

(Daria watches this exchange, and slowly raises her hand.)

DARIA: (to Jane) Um, excuse me?

(Pause. Jane stops talking and looks at Daria.)

JANE: (somewhat wary) Yeah... Daria?

DARIA: You seem to be promising many things to many different students. How do you propose to carry out these promises?

(Beat. Jane glances with some uncertainty in Jodie's direction.)

JANE: Well we sort've talked... she thought --

DARIA: (pointed look) What do you plan to do?

(Pause. Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: (defensive) How can I have a plan when I haven't even been elected yet?

DARIA: Easy. You could be studying the powers of the office right now. Or forming alliances with some of the less hostile faculty members so you'll have backup support.

(Jodie wears a resigned expression as she listens to yet another example of Daria's pessimism. Sandi cocks an amused brow at Jane's obvious discomfort.)

JANE: I could still do those things -- the election's still a ways away. (Bt. sarcastic) But thanks for the ideas, pal: wish I could've heard them a while ago.

DARIA: No problem. (Bt) I'm just sorry I had to be the one to come up with them.

(Jane looks even more annoyed. Cut to close-up of Sandi, looking satisfied.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 8 (Griffin house, that afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Sandi, now gazing downward and frowning. Cut to wider shot: she's standing in the living room, school paper in hand, while Linda is seated on the coach. Sandi takes one last look at the paper, then flings it down.)

SANDI: Stupid school poll. I can't believe I've lost my stupid lead.

LINDA: (smug) Sandi, I warned you what would happen if you grew complacent.

(Sandi looks at her mom with an extremely frustrated expression.)

SANDI: But I wasn't! I've been, like, totally into this election stuff!

LINDA: If you say so. But the point is, now that you're down, are you just going to lie there like an old dog? Or are you going to do something?

SANDI: (glaring at her) 'Course I'm gonna do something! There's still enough time. (Bt) The only reason I didn't do enough earlier is 'cause I felt sorry for that Gothic nobody.

LINDA: Felt sorry for her? (Bt. rolls her eyes. with condescension and something approaching affection.) Sandi, pity makes you weak. Haven't you learned that by now??

(Sandi rolls her eyes.)

LINDA: Don't you remember what happened the last time you felt sorry for someone?

(Pause. Sandi now gets a resentful, sheepish look on her face. Her mom can really twist a knife.)

LINDA: You thought that girl would never catch up, and now she has. Do you want her to beat you?? SANDI: (sober) No. (Bt) From now on, I'll show that freak what I'm really all about.

LINDA: (satisfied) Thatta girl.

SANDI: First I'm gonna have to find out who's still loyal to me. Thanks to that Jane and Quinn, I'm losing support... and that's not how it's supposed to be. Jane's the one who should be down and out, not me. (Pause) So I'm just gonna have to get dirt on her.

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Jane hitting a volleyball back over the net while she's giving her campaign talk.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Those exercise machine commercials: the ones which show some super-buffed guy or super-toned woman and claim that you, too, can be buffed if you use the blahbedy-blah machine. Yeah... for ten hours a day. 

Viagra: yes, it's nice that old men can rev up their libidos by popping a pill... but the commercial confuses that with love. It shows a bunch of attractive middle-aged men walking confidently up to the women and taking them into their arms. Ooh, how romantic... except that most women could tell you that increased sexual prowess doesn't make them love their partners any better. 

Anyway, I'm sick of hearing about Viagra. Viagra... Viagra... Viagra... Viagra... Viagra... Bob Dole... Viagra... Viagra... Viagra... Viagra.....

Speaking of sex... here's a perfect commercial to show during a TV program geared toward teenagers: Alyssa Milano, or a look-alike, lounging on the bed in lingerie, assuming various erotic poses. Meanwhile, her half-naked boyfriend ignores the mountains of condoms in his medicine chest in favor of Candie's fragrance, which he squirts -- guess where?? There's an appealing tongue-in-cheek tone to this ad, but it doesn't overcome the tackiness. 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

OUTVOTED

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing at her locker, wearing an impassive expression. Jane strides up to her, holding a copy of the school paper.)

JANE: (mustering enthusiasm) Hey! Did you hear?? I'm tied with Sandi!

(Pause)

DARIA: (deadpan) Congratulations.

(Beat)

JANE: (trying to pump her up) And if momentum stays on my side, you could be looking at the new student body president in a week. Just think of that, huh? Just imagine how we could shake things up around here once I get in a position of power.

(Beat)

DARIA: Yeah.

(Beat. Jane gives up trying to appeal to her. Tosses her hands in the air, gets a peevish, somewhat resentful look on her face.)

JANE: (quiet, awkward) Look, Daria, I don't ask much from you as a friend. But couldn't you at least try to show some enthusiasm for me?

(Beat)

DARIA: (picking up on Jane's tone, but still deadpan) Sure.

(Beat)

JANE: (annoyed) No, you're not sure. What's wrong? (Bt) Are you weirded out 'cause I've been spending so much time with Jodie?

(Daria shrugs, looks slightly uncomfortable.)

DARIA: I'm weirded out by a lot of things. Your whole running for president is weird.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) 'Cause it's not something Jane Lane's supposed to do??

DARIA: More like something you don't know how to do. So far, all you've been doing is spouting the things Jodie wants you to say.

JANE: (defensive) Hey, c'mon -- Jodie's a pro at this election stuff. Why shouldn't I follow some of her suggestions?

DARIA: Maybe 'cause you should be coming up with your own ideas. It is your campaign.

JANE: Hey, I've got ideas.

DARIA: Name one.

(Jane pauses for a moment, reflects, then looks at Daria with a frustrated expression.)

JANE: I can't when you're making me all nervous.

(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: What's more, I haven't been able to figure out your reason for running. Other than sheer and utter vanity -- which I was hoping you didn't have.

JANE: (sarcastic) Could it be because I care about the students?

DARIA: (can't resist the urge to smirk) Care about the students?? From which T.V. show?

(Beat. Jane rolls her eyes.)

JANE: I know you think it's a far-fetched concept -- me caring about anyone beyond our privileged circle. But believe it or not, this campaign has taught me a lot about the student body. I do want to help people out.

(Beat. Daria shrugs, concedes this point.)

JANE: But maybe that's what's really bugging you. If I'm less alienated, then that could mean you'll have to become less alienated -- and maybe you're not ready for that. Maybe you're too afraid.

(Beat. Daria responds by quietly shutting her locker. She turns to Jane, wearing a serious expression.)

DARIA: If I'm afraid of anything, it's of what's gonna happen to you if you do get elected president. If you're so easily influenced by someone like Jodie, I'd hate to think how you'd handle the pressures put on you by Ms. Li or the popular crowd.

(Beat)

JANE: Them?? (Bt. chuckles with disbelief.) Jodie's a friend, Daria. They're... (cringes) not. I know who my enemies are, and believe me, I won't let myself get swayed by any of them. I told you I'd try and change things if I got elected.

(Beat)

DARIA: I really hope so, Jane.

(She and Jane look at each other for a split second longer. Then Daria shrugs a "good bye" and walks away. Jane watches her go, trying not to look worried.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (computer lab)

(Shot of the door as seen from the outside. Cut to inside shot. We see Barry seated at one of the computers, looking nervous -- primarily because Sandi's hovering over him, viewing what's on the screen. She doesn't look happy.)

SANDI: (irritated) Six hours of hacking her file and this is all you could come up with? "Academic probation"??

BARRY: (quavering) I-I tried, Sandi, I really, really tried...

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) Be quiet. (Bt) I guess I'll have to resort to my own devices.

BARRY: B-but will you still p-promise to support my --

SANDI: (icy) Dead animals society?? Perhaps. (Bt) I might need your nerd powers again in the not-too-distant future. But for now, I think I'll visit Ms. Li an' see what she might volunteer....

(And with that, Sandi strides out of the computer lab.)

(cut to: ) SCENE 3 (Ms. Li's office)

(Shot of the door as seen from the outside. We see Sandi walk up to it normally, then pause, almost as though she's reluctant to go ahead with what she's planning. Finally she tosses her hair in a "carpe diem" manner and opens the door. Cut to shot of the inside. Ms. Li doesn't notice that Sandi's walked in. She's absorbed in a phone conversation, and is turned toward the back wall.)

MS. LI: Yes, Mrs. Griffin, pleeeese go on...

(Upon hearing that, Sandi gets a shocked look on her face. Cut to shot of Ms. Li, which becomes a split-screen diagonal -- Ms. Li on the left, Linda Griffin on the right.)

LINDA: (no-nonsense) The order for the new basketball uniforms went on my account, the new security lights should be there next week, and I've arranged for the T.V. station where I work to flash "Lawndale High rules" on screen every ten seconds. Is that enough?

(Ms. Li is impressed, but tries to conceal it. Bobs her head back and forth in consideration.)

MS. LI: Hmmm... hmmm... veeery nice, except for one thing. What about getting Helen Morgendorffer to participate in the charity raffle?

LINDA: (superior smirk) I'm way ahead of you. The poor thing's been making decorative coasters for two weeks.

MS. LI: (amazed) But-but how??

LINDA: It's amazing what a little info about someone's marriage problems can do.

MS. LI: (can barely conceal her glee) M-marriage problems... oh-ho, you're good, Mrs. Griffin! That'll teach her to be allergic to crepe paper! [*] see "Just Add Water"

LINDA: She actually used that excuse?

MS. LI: Ohhhhhh yes. (Bt) God, how I hate that woman!

LINDA: Don't we all, Ms. Li. Don't we all.

(They share a sinister chuckle.)

MS. LI: Well you've more than held up your end of the bargain. Come election day, the ballot boxes will be stuffed with your daughter's -- (turns around, sees Sandi. gets a shocked look on her face.) Oh! Ho-ho-ho, Ms. Griffin!! I didn't, um, see you... there.

(Cut to shot of her and Sandi. The shock has died from her face, and has been replaced by dull anger.)

SANDI: (flat) What're you and my mother talking about?

MS. LI: Oh-ho, just --

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) Well would you, like, be kind enough to give her a message from me? (Bt) Tell her to stay the hell out of this. She thinks it's her right to, like, bail me out whenever I'm in trouble. Well this time it's different.

MS. LI: (pacifying) Oh now, Ms. Griffin --

SANDI: I'm gonna win this stupid election on my own, so don't do me any goddamn favors.

(Without waiting for Ms. Li's reply, she bolts out of the office, slamming the door behind her. Ms. Li watches her go with chagrin, then returns her attention to the phone.)

MS. LI: (to Linda) So do I still get to keep the security lights?

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (hallway, a couple days later)

(Shot of Jane walking along. Nearby we see several people standing around, whispering. They keep giving Jane timid looks. Jane puts on her election face and makes a move to talk to them, but their body language suggests that they'd rather be left alone. Confused, Jane shrugs and continues walking. We then see Jodie come toward her from the opposite direction. She, too, notices the looks and whispers, and frowns.)

JODIE: Looks like the rumor mill's been started up. By Guess Who?

JANE: (sardonic) Surprise, surprise. (Bt) But how bad could any rumors about me be?? People already know I'm an outsider -- that's been my whole platform.

JODIE: Well whatever it is, hopefully it'll pass.

(Jane nods, then glances again at all the whispering people. Tries to seem nonchalant, but can't help but look uneasy.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (cafeteria, lunchtime)

(Shot of the tables, students eating and milling around. Jane walks on screen, still looking noticeably uneasy. She goes over to a random table and musters some of the campaign cheerfulness .)

JANE: Hey guys -- remember what's coming up soon?? Election day! Who're ya gonna vote for??

(Pause. The students just sit there quietly and give Jane an odd expression. Jane takes the hint, turns away.)

JANE: (hushed. annoyed) I'll have my humble pie a la mode, thank you.

(She heaves a sigh -- by now she's thoroughly sick of sucking up to people, not that she ever liked it in the first place. After a few moments of indecision, Jane decides to try another table, hoping to get a different response.)

JANE: Hey, you guys, on election day, remember the student who actually listens to you.

(Pause. One of the students actually cringes.)

STUDENT: (menacing) Get the hell out of my face, you loser.

(Pause. Jane looks stunned by his harsh tone. She decides not to reply, and quickly turns away. Continues to walk through the cafeteria, a little shaken.)

JANE: (hushed) Wow, Jane, you're really feeling the love today.

(She's almost made it over to where she and Daria normally sit, when out of nowhere a student crashes into her, practically knocking her to the ground. In the process he reaches over and spills something down her back. Then he runs off.)

JANE: (thoroughly pissed) Watch it!! (She sinks down into her usual seat, removes her jacket, and examines the food stains. Gets a hurt, frustrated look on her face, flings the jacket on the table.) Jesus, what the hell is with you people??! What did I ever do to you??

(She slumps forward, then spies Jodie coming over.)

JANE: (sullen) You're not gonna scorn me, too, are you??

JODIE: (sounding frustrated) No way. I've spent the entire morning trying to diffuse the rumors Sandi spread about you.

(Jane utters a sharp laugh.)

JANE: Geez, these must be some rumors. 'Cause a few days ago, I wasn't getting any of this. (Bt) I mean, what, did she say I'm a slut, or something? A lesbian? That I do drugs??

JODIE: Not exactly --

JANE: That I'm a lesbian who does drugs?? I mean geez, (sarcastic chuckle) you'd think I killed somebody.

(Pause. Several students, upon hearing this last bit, stop dead in their tracks. Jodie lowers her eyes. Jane absorbs their reactions, gets a horrified look on her face.)

JANE: She didn't.

JODIE: Not those exact words, but close enough.

(Beat)

JANE: I don't believe it.

JODIE: (shaking her head) All I can say is that Sandi must have some kind of network running for these rumors to spread through the whole school so fast.

DARIA: (off screen) Oh she's got a network, all right. (She walks toward them, wearing a deadpan expression.) Come see for yourself.

(Pause. Jane and Jodie look at each other, then make a move to follow Daria. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting at one of the library computers, with Jane and Jodie hovering over her. The angle is such that we can't see what's on the computer screen.)

DARIA: (reading) W-w-w dot Sandi rules dot com.

JANE: (reading. sarcastic) Sandi's Secrets for a Good Hair Day. All one hundred and fifty-seven of them.

JODIE: (reading) Sandi's Ideas for How to Make the School a Super Awesome Place. (irritated) This is just a bunch of fluff.

JANE: Dammit -- why didn't we think of creating a web site? (Bt. to Daria) So where's the stuff designed to crucify me?

(Daria gets a grim look on her face, then scrolls down to the bottom of the page. Jane and Jodie read, both of their faces growing pale.)

JANE: Good lord.

(cut to: ) SCENE 6 (hallway, a short time later)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking along, having just parted ways with Jodie. Jane looks understandably pissed off, while Daria looks vaguely concerned.)

JANE: (muttering) She's no dummy, I'll give her that. She never actually comes out and says anything bad about me, but everything in that section points to a criminal past. Can I sue??

DARIA: Sure, if you find a lawyer greedy enough. (Bt) But my mom's been busy.

JANE: I'll do better than sue -- I'll create my own web site: "Jane Lane -- the True Story." May the virtual pen be mightier than the sword.

DARIA: Think people will believe you?

(Beat)

JANE: (downcast) I hope so. (Bt) Um, by the way, thanks for showing me the site.

(Daria shrugs. She's about to respond, when suddenly she and Jane both catch site of something and stop dead in their tracks. Cut to their POV: Sandi is with a reporter and cameraman -- they appear to be wrapping up an interview. Resume shot of Jane and Daria.)

JANE: (frowning) I'm almost afraid to wonder what that was about.

DARIA: I think we'll find out soon enough.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lane house, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane in Jane's room. Daria's sitting on the bed, while Jane is venting at her easel. Both are watching the T.V., on which we see a news broadcast of Sandi that was taped earlier. Sandi is standing there, poised and smug, talking to a puff-piece, "human interest story" reporter.)

REPORTER: (gushy) ... And to think, Sandra Griffin, a Lawndale High student running for president of the student body, has donated an unprecedented three thousand dollars to her school to buy new textbooks. What on earth made you do it, Sandra??

SANDI: (faux gracious) Well, it was just sitting there in the account my parents started when I was a baby. I decided the school could put it to better use than I could.

REPORTER: Such selflessness! An unprecedented display from a teenager of this modern world! Sandra, did running for president have anything to do with your donation??

(Cut to brief shot of Daria and Jane. They roll their eyes at the woman's thickness.)

SANDI: Only in the sense that it's made me see how much I want to give back to the school that's given so much to me. I really want to help my fellow students, just as I served them for two years as president of their fashion club.

(Cut to brief shot of Quinn watching with Tiffany and Stacy in the Morgendorffers' living room. Tiffany and Stacy have "Oh, cool!" looks on their faces at the sight of Sandi. Quinn looks resentful.)

REPORTER: Well not to play favorites, but I'm sure in this age of the high school massacre and teen-on-teen violence, you would do an excellent job preserving the harmony of the student body.

SANDI: (suddenly sounding serious) That's exactly what I intend to do, ma'am. 'Cause there've been too many signs of possible disharmony.

REPORTER: (faux intense) Please -- explain what you mean.

(Cut to brief shot of Daria and Jane. They exchange wary looks.)

SANDI: I mean lately some people have been crawling out of the woodwork and claiming to be regular students, when in fact they've, like, never had anything to do with the student body. They've just been alone, an' weird, doing God knows what.

REPORTER: (faux intense whisper) How frightening.

SANDI: I'll say. (ominous) An' it really scares me, what they could be plotting. 'Cause, like, why else would they bother to show themselves -- all of a sudden? (Bt) Just when we learn to trust them most, they could (pause) turn on us.

REPORTER: (breathless) Yes, yes. Some say that's how Columbine started.

(Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany in the Taylors' living room. They pause long enough in their making out to absorb what Sandi just said.)

BRITTANY: Eap!

(Resume shot of Sandi and the reporter. Sandi nods emphatically.)

SANDI: And I don't want that to happen to our school. (turns to face the camera) So I want to urge all the good students of Lawndale High to be aware. That weird person who may seem so friendly --

(Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany, watching intently.)

SANDI: (off screen) -- an' wants your support could actually be waiting to hurt you.

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane watching. Daria looks irritated, while Jane looks about as close to enraged as she possibly could.)

SANDI: (off screen) You never, ever know. I plan to discuss this more at a party I'm --

(Unable to stomach Sandi's visage any longer, Jane looks down at her paintbrush. She focuses grimly on it for several seconds, then gets an idea. Swirls the brush in paint.)

JANE: Pardon me, Daria.

(She leans toward the T.V. screen. From our angle, we can't see what she's painting, but her two long, emphatic strokes suggest a symbol. Daria looks at it, stunned.)

SANDI: (off screen) -- this weekend...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Lawndale High, next day)

(Shot of Jane setting up in the art room. She's mixing paints and venting to Jodie, who's standing beside her. It's the very beginning of class -- Ms. Defoe hasn't arrived yet, and students are only just starting to drift in.)

JANE: (grim. angry) Well looks like I'm on the outside again. Only instead of just being ignored, I've become a social pariah. I knew all that respect I was getting wouldn't last.

JODIE: Jane, it's okay -- Sandi may've gotten to a bunch of people, but not the whole student body. You've still got some support.

(Jane utters a sharp laugh.)

JANE: Maybe some -- but what little I've got seems to be slipping fast. Not even Quinn's powers can ward off all the evil eyes I've been getting. They're even coming from people in this class.

(She gestures at some of the students coming in. Many of them are looking at Jane warily and keeping their distance.)

JANE: (grim) I'll admit before the campaign, my opinion of the student body wasn't too high, but I didn't think they could be this easily bought.

(Jodie regards her with a pensive, searching expression. Just then, Brittany and Kevin come in.)

KEVIN: ... An', like, babe, Coach said the new football manual's pictures are gonna be in color.

BRITTANY: Ooh, that sounds pretty! Maybe the new cheerleading manuals will be, too!

(Jane watches them move off screen with a deadpan expression.)

JANE: Et tu, Brute?

(Beat)

JODIE: (sounding sort of quiet) Jane, look, if the students really care about good government, they're not gonna be swayed by any bribes or threats.

JANE: (cold) Yeah, well maybe they don't care. Maybe we've just been fooling ourselves.

(Jodie gives her that searching look again. We then hear one of the students in class speak up.)

MALE STUDENT: (to Jane. snotty) Don't whine just 'cause Griffin told us the truth about you.

JANE: Which truth?? The real one or the one you've manufactured in that genius head of yours?

MALE STUDENT: (unfazed) I always knew there was something freaky about you. The way you dress, the stuff you paint -- all death and disease. Just 'cause Griffin chose to warn us --

JANE: (disbelief) To warn you?? Ooh, how noble. (Bt) Well then why didn't someone warn you about her? I've seen sewage pipes cleaner than Sandi Griffin.

MALE STUDENT: Spoken like a true freak.

JODIE: (before Jane can reply. irritated) Hey, listen. You respect me, right? You know how much I've done for the school, don't you??

(Pause. The guy gets a sheepish look on his face.)

MALE STUDENT: Well yeah. Sure... I do, Jodie.

(Beat)

JODIE: Then you should also know that Jane's a friend of mine. And I don't make friends with psycho killers. Or criminals. Or anyone without moral integrity.

(Pause. The guy looks even more sheepish, nods quickly, then moves away. Jane looks at Jodie, impressed.)

JANE: Wow, Jodie. I owe you one.

JODIE: Don't mention it.

(Just then, Daria walks in. Jane turns to her, peevish and relieved.)

JANE: Well there you are. Where've you been??

DARIA: I got a little sidetracked. (Bt) And maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but your persecutor just passed by this room.

JANE: Sandi??

(Daria nods. Without waiting another second, even long enough to put her paint down, Jane leaves the art room. Daria and Jodie exchange "Uh-oh" expressions.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (hallway)

(Shot of Sandi just passing around a corner. She's walking alone. Suddenly we see Jane coming around the corner.)

JANE: Well if it isn't the philanthropist.

SANDI: (caught off-guard) Oh, um... hi.

(She pauses, as if unsure whether to stay or walk on. Glances around uneasily, looking for backup in case she needs it. Unfortunately for her, the hallway's thinly populated, since most people have gone to class. Meanwhile, Jane is standing a short distance away from her, stirring her paint.)

JANE: Saw your web site. And your interview.

SANDI: (eyeing the paint nervously) You're not gonna, like, hurl that stuff at me, are you?

JANE: (faux pleasant) Oh-ho, no. (Bt) I think words will be messy enough.

(Sandi nods, but backs away a little nonetheless.)

JANE: (frustrated) Well I gotta say, Sandi: I'd pegged you for a bitch, but I'd really hoped you'd never stoop so low. You seriously think the presidency is worth making me look like a potential murderer??

SANDI: (very uncomfortable, and with a touch of remorse) That's not, um... exactly what I --

JANE: Well pretty damn close, trust me. (Bt) Too bad we couldn't've just run on the strength of our ideas. But surprise, surprise -- I guess that's just not how Sandi Griffin deals with life's challenges.

(Beat. Now Sandi looks defiant.)

SANDI: Hey, I was just doing what any normal person running for office would do. Just 'cause you weren't smart enough to think of it first --

JANE: (rolling her eyes) Ooh-hoo, right. Normal. If that's normal, then I sure as hell hope to stay a weirdo my entire life.

SANDI: (barely audible) Shut the hell up.

(Beat. Jane's eyes narrow, and she gazes at Sandi probingly. She senses there's something more in Sandi's tone than meets the eye, and decides to take the civil route.) JANE: Look, I'll let you off with a warning. Remove the web site, offer me a public apology, and let's run a real race in the few days we've got left, okay?

SANDI: (haughty) Or else?

JANE: Or else you get a taste of your own medicine.

(Sandi looks at Jane incredulously. Then she tosses her hair and smirks faintly.)

SANDI: Like anyone would believe you. By now you've probably sunk so low, not even the freaks would vote for you. (Bt) The web site stays.

(Beat)

JANE: (eyes narrowing) Fine. (Bt) Then there's something you should know.

SANDI: What?

JANE: About the paint? I lied.

(Before Sandi can react, Jane splashes it in her face. For several seconds, all Sandi can do is shudder as it trails down her shoulders and spills onto the ground. Then she gets an enraged expression on her face. Looks as though she's about to lunge at Jane, when suddenly she spies a couple of students walking along. The students stop walking and gawk at her. Sandi quickly regains her cool.)

SANDI: (to the students. triumphant) What did I tell you? Dangerous.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 9 (lockers, shortly after the encounter)

(Shot of Daria and Jodie leaning against them. After Sandi left to wash off the paint, they tracked Jane down. We now see Jane pacing around in front of them with uncharacteristic rage.)

JANE: I can't believe I wasted perfectly good paint on that girl!

JODIE: Shhh, Jane, it's okay. Daria and I --

JANE: (not hearing her) What I should've done was take a paintbrush and cram it up one of Sandi's perfect little nostrils, then watch her die a hideous, agonizing death.

(Jodie sighs. Daria watches Jane with a mixture of sympathy and concern.)

JANE: God, I hate her! I don't understand how anyone can act the way she does. Dammit, she's the one who had the advantages coming into this race, not me.

JODIE: Jane, Daria and I made --

JANE: Well if she wants to play rough, then I'll play rough. I can smear a name as well as the next candidate -- and I don't even have to lie! Sleeps around with the football players, has an eensy-weensy drug problem, got held back in seventh grade, was charged with shop lift--

DARIA: (serious) You sure it's worth it?

JANE: To clear my name, yeah it's worth... (suddenly realizes what she's saying. She stops pacing, blinks as if trying to see clearly, then finally sighs and slumps against a locker.)

(Beat)

JODIE: Jane, I know it's hard, but for now try to forget what's happened and keep your eye on the goal

(Jane laughs sharply.)

JANE: (bitter) The goal, eh? Frankly I'm starting to wonder why I even ran for president in the first place.

(Beat)

JODIE: (a bit surprised. a slight edge in her voice) 'Cause you wanted to help the students, right?

(Beat)

JANE: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah.

(Pause. Then Jodie sighs again.)

JODIE: Look Jane, I'm sorry. I sort of feel like this whole thing's my fault.

JANE: (incredulous) Your fault? How??

JODIE: I encouraged you to run -- mainly 'cause I didn't have the guts to run on my own. (Bt) I was too afraid that what's happening to you was gonna happen to me. Since I'm... you know. (gestures at herself.)

(Pause. Jane and Daria look at her incredulously.)

JODIE: (resigned) I really believe that most of the students at Lawndale are nice, but there's always that minority that wants to hate you because you're not exactly like them. During the race for vice-president, I had the displeasure of rubbing them the wrong way several times.

(Beat. Jane and Daria glance at each other.)

JANE: (to Jodie) So what happened?

JODIE: (looking uncomfortable) I got some threats over the phone and some racist slurs thrown at me in the hall. One or two people who looked like they wanted to... (Pause) And that was for vice-president -- I didn't even want to risk what I'd get if I ran for president. (Bt) But still, I don't think even what I got was as bad as what Sandi's done to you.

(Pause)

JANE: (sympathetic. reflective) Damn, too bad that had to happen. You would've made a good president.

JODIE: (sort of dispirited) Maybe.

(Beat)

DARIA: (also reflective) So some insecure idiots kept you from doing what you wanted 'cause they were too afraid it'd mess with their view of the universe.

JODIE: Um, yeah. (Bt. sighs, tries to get past it) Well look, there's nothing I can do about it now. The only thing all of us can do is work hard the next few days on damage control. (to Jane) Then there's the speech at the assembly -- you can address the students then.

(Beat. Jane looks grateful, then resigned.)

JANE: True. But I think it'd take a small miracle at this point to get me back in the running.

DARIA: Or a counter-web site.

JANE: (hopeful) You think you can set one up fast?

DARIA: (smirking) It's already been done.

(Beat. Jane looks at them incredulously.)

JODIE: Daria and I came up with the idea last night.

DARIA: And I got one of the "cute technical types" who likes Quinn to help me set it up this morning.

JANE: (to Daria) So that's where you were before --?

DARIA: Yep.

(Beat. Jane shakes her head, stunned and grateful.)

JANE: Wow. You guys are true friends.

DARIA: (serious) Hey, no one gets away with abusing my friend in public. (Bt) Makes it less satisfying when I do it.

(Jane rolls her eyes and smirks.)

DARIA: Besides, Sandi could've been talking about any of us misanthropes when she lashed out at you. It was time to take action.

JANE: (crafty) And just how did you take action, by chance?

DARIA: (smirking) Let's just say that while I didn't stoop to Sandi's level, I did write some stuff that one could construe as unfriendly.

JANE: (smirking) From you, could I expect any less?

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 10 (Morgendorffer house, late afternoon, day before the election)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Daria's phone. It starts ringing. Cut to wider shot: Daria walks over from the other side of the room and answers it.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Hello?

JANE: (from the receiver) Just came from school. I was looking at our web site again.

DARIA: (smirking) Two hundred and eleven hits in the past two days. I just checked.

(Cut to split screen diagonal, Jane on the left, Daria on the right.)

JANE: (wicked) I couldn't resist reading your article. "The Dangers of Credulity: Why You Shouldn't Trust a Source That's Been Tainted."

DARIA: Harsh, yet civilized.

JANE: When you put your mind to it, you can really be an effective weapon.

(Beat. Both she and Daria think about that for a moment. Then Jane gets an amused, resigned look on her face.)

JANE: Well anyway, the real reason I called is 'cause I've been thinking. That vanity stuff you accused me of having a while back?

DARIA: Yeah?

JANE: Well... I kind of, sort of think you might've been on to something. Slightly.

DARIA: (smirking) Oh really?

JANE: Yeah, well... (heaves a sigh) the main reason I wanted to run for president was just to prove to myself that I could. Now and then, I like to think that maybe I am the master of my own destiny. 

DARIA: Uh-huh... JANE: And that if anytime I ever really wanted to, I could get something the popular snobs tell me it's not my right to have.

(Meanwhile Daria listens, reflective.)

JANE: (resigned) But, I guess I could've done a better job "controlling my destiny" during the campaign. (Bt) And after Sandi's smear job turned me into a raving lunatic a couple of days ago, I finally started realizing I'd better act in ways that felt good to me instead of worry so much about pleasing other people.

(Pause)

DARIA: Yeah, well, don't beat yourself up about it. You tried something, it didn't work out, and you learned a lesson.

JANE: I guess that's the most positive spin I can put on this experience.

DARIA: (reflective) Too many people are too scared to even reach the "trying" part . (Pause) It took guts to do what you did.

JANE: (surprised) Thanks. (Bt) But why the sudden attitude change? You've been so against this election stuff.

DARIA: (admitting) Yeah, well... I've done some thinking, too. (Bt) It's like you just said: sometimes, when you don't do anything, you're still letting other people control you. And that's a crappy way to live.

JANE: (faint smirk) And neither of us wants to live that way. Right?

DARIA: (faint smirk) Right.

(Beat)

JANE: Hey you know something? I want to see how well the student body can think for themselves -- to see whether that loyalty I felt toward them earlier was justified.

DARIA: Sounds good. How?

JANE: By giving them a chance to prove they know how to elect the right person for president. Care to help me out?

(Pause. Then Daria's smirk deepens.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 11 (Lawndale High, assembly, election day)

(Shot of the outside. We hear Sandi's voice-over: )

SANDI: ... And so, as I've tried to show through my textbook donation, my donation of make-up mirrors to the unfashionable --

(Cut to shot of the inside of the auditorium. We see Sandi standing on stage, at the podium, wrapping up her speech to the student body. Jane sits in a chair off to the side, along with Ms. Li and some other members of the faculty, who now and then eye her with suspicion.)

SANDI: -- and the big party I threw at my house in honor of 'N Sync, who would've shown up if their flight from Stockholm hadn't been canceled, that I truly am the student who knows what's right for her school. An' that's why you should elect me, Sandi Griffin, president of the student body. Thanks.

(She does a bow and walks over to the seat next to Jane. Cut to shot of the audience. Students are clapping respectfully, though with not as much enthusiasm as one might expect. Cut to close-up of Quinn and the other F.C.'s: Quinn is slumped over in her seat, looking depressed. Cut to close-up of Daria and Jodie. Jodie looks nervous for Jane, while Daria smirks knowingly. Resume shot of the stage. Jane stands up right as Sandi sits down, to avoid having to sit next to her. Ms. Li has already beaten her to the podium, and is now prepared to assuage the audience.)

MS. LI: Excellent speech, Ms. Griffin. And now, um, students: let's give a big-hearted Lawndale High reception to our second candidate, Jane Lane. Juuuust remember: she hasn't been formally charged or prosecuted for any of her supposed crimes. That is all.

(There's light clapping in the audience and some scattered "boos." Jane calmly walks up to the podium and surveys the audience. Pause.)

JANE: First, I'd like to thank my esteemed opponent for the support she's given me these past few weeks. It's nice to know that even though only one of us will be elected president today, we'll both be winners.

(She smirks knowingly at Sandi, who frowns a little, picking up sarcasm.)

JANE: You can see more of my thoughts on the subject at my web site. (Bt) But what's even better is that even though I'm a person who's never participated in a lot of student activities, you still trusted me enough to do a good job as your president. That trust has meant a lot to me.

(Cut to brief shot of the audience. No one makes a sound, but you can feel some of their guilt.)

JANE: And I do want to do a good job for you. (Pause) But unfortunately, I'll soon no longer be in a position to do so. You see, I just found out that I've contracted a rare life-threatening disease native to the shores of Bolivia. I'll be flying down to South America to start my treatment of painful injections tomorrow.

(Cut to close-up of Sandi. Her face registers vague shock. Cut to shot of the audience. Jodie's wearing a "What the hell??" expression, while Daria continues to smirk. Resume shot of Jane.)

JANE: I've opted for Jodie Landon to run in my place. (Bt) You know Jodie: currently vice-president, in charge of many school activities, generally well-liked and respected. You'll find that on all the ballots, my name's been crossed out, and hers written in its place.

(Cut to brief shot of the audience. Now Jodie looks even more stunned, while Daria looks unsurprised. We can also see Quinn, who's gone from being horrified at Jane's intention to drop out to subtly relieved.)

JANE: And so with that, I'll end my little address with an adios. You can only have one president -- may you choose wisely.

(She brushes her hands together, satisfied. Walks over and slides into the seat next to Sandi, who is slowly comprehending the new state of events. Ms. Li and the other faculty members also appear to be realizing the significance of Jane's speech.)

MS. LI: (hushed) Jodie Landon?? (Pause) Yeeeeeeeees!!!

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 12 (after the assembly)

(Shot of the auditorium. It's now pretty empty -- most of the students have gone to cast their votes. We see Jane and Daria sitting idly on the edge of the stage. From off screen, Jodie walks up to them, wearing an amused, perplexed expression.)

JODIE: (to Jane) So why'd you do it?

JANE: 'Cause you're the one who's really known all along about what the students need. I figured dropping out would allow you to run without having to go through the nasty campaign. (Bt) You're the right person for the job, Jodie.

(Pause)

JODIE: (quiet. grateful) Thanks. (Bt) So did both of you --?

(Jane and Daria nod.)

DARIA: Three hours of ballot changing.

JANE: (smirking) And we both came up with that Bolivia story -- off-the-wall just felt like the way to go. (to Daria) We work well together, amiga.

DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Maybe next time...

(Beat. Jodie still looks a little stunned by her good fortune. Cocks an eyebrow at Jane.)

JODIE: But what happens tomorrow, when the kids see you haven't caught the first flight out of Lawndale?

JANE: (nonchalant) Hmm, haven't worked that out, yet.

JODIE: But after all that concern with people treating you badly, aren't you afraid...?

JANE: (putting a hand up) Nah, I'm not afraid of anything anymore. Jane Lane is through with wanting to prove herself to anyone, and is ready to return to the outcast fold. (Bt. to Daria) If you'll have me.

DARIA: (deadpan) We'll reconsider your membership.

(Beat. Jodie looks knowingly at Jane and Daria.)

JODIE: (to Jane) Well, if you say so. (Pause) So, you guys really think I have a shot at being elected?

JANE: Puh-leeese, they'd be nuts not to have you.

DARIA: But just in case, we'd better go cast our votes -- before the next Lowdown reads: "President Griffin Wins By Two."

(Jane nods. She and Daria hop off stage, and walk with Jodie toward the exit.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 13 (Griffin residence, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of the latest issue of the school paper [yes, the Lowdown works fast!]. The front page headline reads: "Landon Wins Handily." Slowly Sandi lays down the paper, the look on her face sullen and dispirited.)

SANDI: (flat) I would've won the election if Jodie Landon hadn't run against me. Nobody could've beaten her.

(Cut to wide shot. Sandi's slumped forward on the living room sofa, while Linda stands over her, arms folded, wearing an expression that approaches sympathy. Sandi eyes her with vague resentment.)

SANDI: Stupid paper said some people thought my campaign was too mean-spirited.

(Beat)

LINDA: Well what do they know, anyway? (Bt) So what's your next move going to be??

SANDI: How should I know?? (Pause) Maybe I'll just sit here 'till I, like, croak or something.

(Beat. Linda shakes her head.)

LINDA: Now do you see why I tried to help you out?? Look at yourself. (gestures at Sandi's slouched-over pose.)

(Sandi first glares at her, then gets a dispirited, contrite expression on her face.)

LINDA: (briskly) Well I'll say this: there's one way you can come out of this with your head held high. All you have to do is follow my lead.

(Pause. Sandi looks at her mother warily, then nods with extreme reluctance.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 14 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie standing with Daria and Jane at their lockers.)

DARIA: (to Jodie) Well now that we've helped you get elected, make us proud. Don't get sucked into the cycle of corruption.

JODIE: (cocking a brow) Don't worry -- I can handle Ms. Li and her cohorts. (Beat)

DARIA: (smirking) For some strange reason, I believe you.

(Beat)

JANE: (to Jodie) Well Madam Prez, how'll you exercise your first official act of power?

JODIE: We-ell... before I get started on putting toilet paper in the bathrooms and fixing the drinking fountains, I thought (looks pointedly at Jane) I'd suggest to Ms. Li that we repaint some of the shabbier buildings. With murals.

(Beat)

JANE: (getting her meaning) Hmm, I don't know, Jodie. I told you my people person days are behind me.

JODIE: (good-natured) Aw come on. You said you wanted to do a good job for the students. And no one's better at art than you are.

DARIA: (sardonic) Which esteemed scholar coined that expression?

JANE: (to Jodie) Damn, you're smooth. I'll give it some thought, okay? No promises.

(Jodie smiles and nods. Suddenly, from off screen: )

QUINN: Oh no, oh no!

(She comes up to them, looking absolutely crushed. Jane, Daria, and Jodie look at her, bewildered.)

JANE: (to Quinn) Now what's the matter?

DARIA: (deadpan) More good fortune than you can handle?

JANE: Yeah -- Jodie's president. Your ass is saved.

QUINN: Oh no it's not! Guess who just got made vice-president??

(No response. Then Jane, Daria, and Jodie get stunned looks on their faces.)

DARIA: Not --

QUINN: Sandi!!

(Beat)

JODIE: (peevish) But the vice-presidency's supposed to be an elected position.

JANE: (with amusement and disbelief) Ooh-hoo -- not anymore. I can't wait to hear how this came about.

DARIA: Democracy was fun while it lasted.

(Cut to shot of Sandi and Linda walking down another hall, having just come from the principal's office to finish up business.)

LINDA: You'll thank me some day. A vice-president has almost as much authority as a president, and a lot more free time. Some might say it's the better of the two offices.

(Pause. Sandi doesn't respond. She's slouching in much the same way as she was the day before, walking slowly. Her expression is one of numbness and some mortification. She tries to not hear what her mother's saying.)

LINDA: And if you put your mind to it, you can really use that position to rule over your fellow students. It shouldn't be too hard for a popular girl like you.

THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "Sandi" by Kara Wild, sung by 'N Sync]

When you think beauty,  
When you think style,  
When you think someone with a golden smile,  
It's Saaaaaaandi.  
Sandi's comin' your way.

Saaaaaaandi  
She's come to wish you a happy day.

She wants to make  
The school a better place  
For you and me and the human race.

Saaaaaaandi,  
America's Girl Next Door.  
Saaaaaaandi:  
She's there for you  
What are you waiting for?

She's not like some weird strange  
Other girls.  
How much do you know about them?

They could do pot,  
They could do crack,  
They could even carry a  
Gun in their backpack.

They may be waiting  
To blow you away.  
Whereas Saaaaaaandi  
Just wants to wish you a happy day.

Vote for Saaaaaaandi,  
And every day will be a happy day.  
Saaaaaaandi...

[This song was originally going to go into Act Three, as Sandi's answer to Jane's election song, but I ended up scrapping that scene and replacing it with the more-effective web site one. But I couldn't get rid of the song!]

COMMENTARY

People have been pretty understanding about having to wait an extra-long time for this fanfic. In fact, their attitude seems to be: "What wait??" Well that's good, because I'd been feeling guilty.

A combination of circumstances prevented me from finishing this fic sooner. One biggie was, of course, the start of my fall semester -- having to resettle into my place in Berkeley, adjust to having classes, et cetera. Secondly, I had to plot my second story arc; I had several ideas for plot lines to follow "Outvoted," but I had not yet settled them into an overarching framework.

Thirdly, this fic just proved to be incredibly difficult to write. I gave starring roles to two characters whom we're not used to seeing in the spotlight. Writing Jane's lines was surprisingly difficult, for reasons which I'll discuss in my essay, "The Unflappable Jane Lane." And my stress was enhanced by the fact that I'd stuck Jane and Sandi in a "fish-out-of-water" situation; thus, not only did I have to figure out how they would respond to a given situation, but how they'd respond to ones which they weren't accustomed to. And a school election is one doozy of a fish-out-of-water situation: you have to showcase the entire school, as well as make the race between Jane and Sandi believable. Plus, it struck me about halfway through my first draft that a rivalry between Jane and Sandi isn't funny -- not like, say, a rivalry between Quinn and Sandi would be. They just aren't natural rivals; Jane is too easy-going, and Sandi would never feel threatened by Jane -- unless, of course, her mother egged her on. So I had to adjust my expectations, which resulted in me altering or enhancing several scenes, mostly to play up the "smear" Sandi does on Jane.

I had originally thought of making this an "outcasts" versus the "popular people" election, but that soon struck me as unworkable. First of all, Jane is nominated by popular people -- Kevin and Brittany. Secondly, even though Sandi is popular, she doesn't represent a uniform, elitist group: she's down-and-out as the ex-Fashion Club president; Quinn and she are practically at each other's throats; and she never interacts with K and B. Plus, aside from Jane and Daria, and possibly Andrea, we have no real evidence of a huge outcast population at Lawndale. Thus, I ended up turning this into a race between an outcast and a popular person.

You were probably wishing you could have seen more of Daria. Well, I'll confess that I pushed her and Quinn into the background on purpose, so I could let Jane have an episode to herself. Contrary to what some may believe, I really do think Daria would be as inactive as she was in this fic, especially since she wasn't the one running for president. She certainly wasn't too supportive of Jane in "See Jane Run" (to which "Outvoted" could be seen as a follow-up of sorts), and Jane had to do some heavy persuading to convince her to help out in "Arts 'N' Crass." In fact, upon my latest reading of Act Two, the thought that ran through my mind was, "God, what a brat." I fear I may have laid on Daria's negativity a little thick, but then again, she was relentlessly negative throughout "See Jane Run" and most of "Jane's Addition." And sometimes I've thought Jane's tolerance of her attitude to be almost saintly.

I express more thoughts on Jane running for president in Points of Interest...

This fic represents the first where I've made major, major revisions. Normally, I write a rough draft longhand, make some modifications, and put the final draft on the computer, all in the space of two weeks. This time, I ended up changing nearly all of the scenes in Act Three and making several alterations to Acts One and Two. There were times when I was convinced that I'd never finish this one, but luckily I persevered. :-) I must confess that even though I'm satisfied with the results, I'm less satisfied with this fic than I have been with my previous ones. I just kept feeling like there was something more I should have done. Like the cheerleading scenario in "Cheered Down," an election scenario provides infinite possibilities, not all of which I could touch upon. Yet at the same time, I felt like I'd done too much, like this fic was too convoluted. Y'all will have to let me know what you think...

Moreover, the outcome of this fic was probably pretty predictable -- but bring me an election fic that isn't! Well, maybe "Triumph of the Retart." I had at one time flirted with the idea of making Jane president, but then I thought: "Nah. That would be stretching the bounds of plausibility too far"...

Now on to Points of Interest...

The Competitive Chick Fic Trilogy: I hadn't planned for "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," and "Outvoted" to be a trilogy, but it struck me that they naturally formed one by themselves. The ball gets rolling in "Andrea Speaks!", when order in the Fashion Club is disrupted by Quinn challenging Sandi for the presidency, then getting kicked out. The competition continues through "Cheered Down," when Brittany tries to get even with Quinn for getting elected head cheerleader, and Quinn gets even with Sandi by finally becoming F.C. president. Finally, in "Outvoted," Jane gets dragged into this mess by running against Sandi for another high office. Each fic has a twist at the end -- in this one, the twist was, obviously, that Jane arranged for Jodie to run in her place. And after "Outvoted," the dust finally clears: Sandi will be vice-president of the student body for a while, and Quinn will remain F.C. president.

A couple more reasons why "Outvoted" felt less satisfying to write was that I kept comparing it to the much-funnier "Cheered Down," and between the trilogy and "None in the Family," I was getting really tired of writing fics where the characters were at each other's throats. Look for my next fanfic to be fairly toned-down. Everyone could use a rest. :-) 

Jane: We all know that she, like Daria, is pretty cynical, so perhaps it could be considered out of character for her to decide to run for president. But then again, as she herself says in Act One, sometimes when an opportunity like that "falls into your lap," you change your attitude. You could see the same sort of philosophy at work in "See Jane Run": Jane probably never would have gone out for track if Ms. Morris hadn't rubbed her the wrong way, and she weren't attracted to Evan. Moreover, Jane strikes me as a cautious optimist, someone who's naturally more open-minded than Daria -- and someone who might believe that she could alleviate the problems at her school if given the chance. 

In addition, contrary to popular belief, I don't think Jane is the kind of person who's always "above it all": she's got some sensitivity to how others perceive her, as seen in "See Jane Run." I wish the show would explore her vulnerabilities a little more, but for now, I had to make do with what's available. I figured underneath Jane's unflappable fa 


	10. Of Absolute Value

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the tenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," and "Outvoted." 

I've been channeling Peter Guerin as of late. The title of my last fanfic sounded like one of his ("Outvoted"/ "Outbitched"), and both were about Sandi. And the title of this fic shortens to O.A.V. Coincidence?? ;-)

I give this one a..... tah-dah 1.5S! I never thought I'd see one of those again...

So be happy you'll have less eyestrain this time around, and enjoy!!

Ten Spot Promo: The one where those official guys are having a stare-down with the female spy. They try to tape record her, but she refuses to talk...

[intro theme music...................]

OF ABSOLUTE VALUE byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Quinn's room, Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. We hear Quinn's voice-over: )

QUINN: (on the phone. fawning) Oh of course we would --

(Cut to close-up of Tiffany and Stacy sitting on the floor, watching Quinn off screen -- Stacy's eager and nervous, Tiffany's about as close to registering emotion as she possibly could be.)

QUINN: (off screen) Nothing but the best for you and the gang, Mr. Reynaldo. (long Pause) Uh-huh... uh-huh... uh-huh...

(Tiffany and Stacy glance at each other, cross their fingers. Pan over to show Quinn sitting on her bed, her ear against the cordless phone, looking fairly business-like and calm. Slowly her face brightens.)

QUINN: Uh-huh? (gets a big smile.) Uh-huh?! (Pause. then, sounding as though she can barely contain her glee: ) Yes. I mean no -- we won't let you down. Talk to you soon. Bye. (clicks off the phone, looks at her underlings with a satisfied smirk.) It is done.

(Cut to wide shot of all three. Tiffany smirks, while Stacy gets that hyperventilating look on her face.)

STACY: (eyes practically popping out) You got him to sponsor the Fashion Expo?! The Fashion Expo's coming to OUR school??!

QUINN: Yep. Now settle down St--

STACY: Whooo-hoooo!!!

(She jumps up and grabs Quinn in a bear hug, practically knocking her backward. Meanwhile Tiffany's looking at her with definite respect.)

TIFFANY: (obsequious) You're a genius, Quinn.

QUINN: (nonchalant) Duh. (peels Stacy off of her.) It was nothing, really. You just gotta know how to talk the talk, butter 'em up and stuff.

STACY: But Sandi tried a gazillion times to get the Fashion Expo to come, and it never worked out.

(Quinn smirks -- Stacy has just unwittingly said exactly what she wanted to hear.)

QUINN: (faux humble) Yes, well some people just aren't blessed with that natural capability. We really shouldn't blame the poor girl.

STACY: Yeah. (Bt) I wonder how she's managing as vice-president.

(Quinn's smirk fades.)

TIFFANY: This'll make our school, like, the fashion center of the whole district.

STACY: Maybe even the county! (Bt) You're the best, Quinn.

QUINN: (regaining her former glee) Aw, you guys. (Bt) Well with the Expo coming up in less than two weeks, we'll have to put in a lot of work -- (suddenly interrupted from off screen: )

HELEN: (calling) Quinn!

(Quinn freezes, gets a wary look on her face. Tiffany and Stacy don't make a sound, hoping their silence will convince Helen that no one's there and make her stop calling. Nope.)

HELEN: (off screen) Quinn! Get down here, young lady!

JAKE: (off screen) Yeah, young lady, get down here!!

HELEN: Jake -- I already said that!

JAKE: (meek) Oh. Yeah, right.

(Quinn sighs and rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Great. Those people who live with me want me for something.

TIFFANY: Bummer.

STACY: Shhhh, it'll be okay. (pats Quinn's arm reassuringly.)

QUINN: (groaning) I'll be right back.

(She jumps off the bed and heads for the door.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (living room)

(Shot of Quinn coming down the stairs, looking extremely vexed. At the base, we see Helen and Jake standing there, equally pissed off.)

QUINN: (not cowed by their demeanor) Whatever this is, could you, like, make it fast?? My friends are upstairs.

HELEN: Don't use that tone of -- (Quinn sweeps past her and heads toward the couch -- she knows the drill.) um, sit... er...

JAKE: (at the same time) Yeah, young lady, don't use that -- (watches her go.) um... yeah...

(Cut to shot of the couches. Daria is sitting on the center couch, reading a newspaper. She lowers it ever-so-slightly to observe the action. Quinn flops down on the right hand couch and folds her arms.)

QUINN: (to her parents, as they're coming over) Is this about my date last night?? 'Cause if so, I'm telling you that he wasn't, like, thirty. He just looks very mature for his age, and so he has a job an' some stock opt--

HELEN: Quinn. (sits down to the left of Daria, so she's between her and Quinn. Jake sits down on the other side of Quinn.) We'll discuss that later. Right now we're on the subject of your performance at school.

QUINN: ("oh is that all?") What about it??

JAKE: Well, sweetie, your mom got a call this afternoon, and --

HELEN: Jake, I can speak for myself, thank you. (Bt) Yes, sweetheart, your math teacher phoned this aftern--

QUINN: What, Mr. Phelps?! (melodramatic) Does that man, like, follow me around an' spy on me so, like, whenever I'm having a good time, he can, like, come down on me with his mean, oppressive rules and demands???

DARIA: (deadpan) You mean make you learn?

(Quinn glares at her.)

HELEN: Quinn, he's concerned about your grade in math, and so are we. He said that you're in danger of failing, and he's arranged a parent-teacher conference to discuss your options.

QUINN: Well great. So is that it? (starts to get up.)

(Helen sighs heavily.)

HELEN: I wish you would take these things more seriously, Quinn.

QUINN: (flopping down again) Mo-om, things'll turn out fine, I promise. With some cramming on the final exam, I can pull myself up back to a C, no problem.

DARIA: Nothing like an unshakable work ethic.

HELEN: (serious. weary) Quinn, don't you ever give any thought to your future?

QUINN: (exasperated) Of course I do! Duh! Like for instance, the Fashion Expo's coming to our school thanks to yours truly, an' --

HELEN: You know that's not what I'm talking about. (glances over at Jake, who's starting to nod off.) Jake, back me up!

JAKE: (coming back to life) Oh -- erm... sure, hon. (Bt. to Quinn) She means important stuff, sweetie.

QUINN: (looking wounded) But the Fashion Expo is important. (Bt) Maybe you don't care about fashion, but think of all those poor, pathetic loser girls who can finally find the role models they need. If afterward, we've touched one life, it'll have been worth it.

DARIA: A new case of bulimia is born.

QUINN: (oblivious) You wanna talk a bunch of silly numbers? Then let me tell you since I became Fashion Club president, fashion faux pas have dropped twenty percent to an all-time low, wearers of capri pants have doubled, pore cleansing purchases have tripled, and if I had to count all the people who --

HELEN: (curt) Quinn, enough. (Bt) I was talking about the distant future.

QUINN: Huh?

DARIA: The time when your hair can only get its bouncy cuteness out of a bottle.

QUINN: (horrified expression) Hgh! I don't wanna think that far ahead!

HELEN: (weary) Exactly what I thought you'd say. (Bt) You know, Quinn, I've always loved knowing that you lead a vibrant, active lifestyle -- but there comes a time when you have to reassess your priorities . Look at the bigger picture. I was hoping it would happen when we fixed your vision, but... I guess I was mistaken.

(Quinn frowns, looking sort of hurt.)

HELEN: But don't think you're getting away with anything. (sighs) Ugh, tomorrow I'll have to get my secretary to come down to your school and --

JAKE: (chuckling a little) Y' know it's funny: I'd been planning to take the afternoon off tomorrow...

HELEN: (oblivious) -- I'd hate to lose her as back-up during a meeting with the partners, but family crises always come --

JAKE: (sort of mumbling) So I mean really... it'd be no trouble at all for me... to...

HELEN: Let this be a lesson to you, Quinn, the next --

DARIA: Uh, Mom. (nods toward Jake.)

HELEN: What?? (Pause) Jake? Is there something you wanted to say?

(Beat)

JAKE: I could, um, see Quinn's math teacher tomorrow.

(Beat)

HELEN: (discouraging tone) Now, Jake, are you sure you know what you're getting into?

(Jake gets a slightly repentant look on his face, which both Daria and Quinn notice.)

DARIA: Mom, perhaps you might recall what you and Dad talked about.

HELEN: Talked about??

QUINN: (crafty expression) Yeah, Mom, let Dad go.

JAKE: (pleading expression) Yeah, honey. Remember what you said -- that I could have more responsibility with the girls?? [*] see "None in the Family, Part Two"

(Pause)

HELEN: (looking uncomfortable) Oh. Right. I did say that, didn't I? (Bt) Well okay, Jakey, you can go in Marianne's place. You do know the way, right??

JAKE: Know the way?? (does an enthusiastic fist pump.) What kind of idiot d' you think I am?? I've been to our kids' school before!

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (the next afternoon)

(Shot of the outside of a high school. The sign outside reads "Cumberland High." We see Jake's car drive up to it. Cut to close-up of Jake, frowning and looking at the sign.)

JAKE: Hmm, something's not quite right...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Phelps's classroom, Lawndale High, a short time later)

(Shot of Phelps seated at his desk with hands folded, a tray of tea and coffee goods beside him. As stated in "Andrea Speaks!" and "Cheered Down," he's a balding, fifty-something year old with an air of formality. On the whole, he looks very well-kept [even Quinn would find little fault with his grooming habits], and at present is wearing a Mr. Rogers-style cardigan over a vest, a starched white shirt, and a tie. His expression is pretty deadpan, but we can see impatience creeping up along the edges.)

(Cut to shot of the outside of Lawndale High. We see the Lexus barrel up to the front and screech to a halt. The driver's side door flies open -- Jake jumps out and hastens toward the entrance.)

(Cut to shot of Phelps. He eyes his watch, then sighs and starts to stand up. Suddenly, from off screen: )

JAKE: Wha-whoa wait! No need to leave, my good man, sit down.

(Cut to wider shot. Jake rushes up to Phelps and shakes his hand, herky-jerky style.)

JAKE: The name's Jake Morgendorffer -- Quinn Morgendorffer's father. Now what d' you say we get down to business?

(He moves to sit down on top of a desk, but unfortunately is too heavy. The desk tips forward, sending Jake to the ground. Phelps watches this display with a raised brow.)

PHELPS: (dry) I'm Alfred Phelps. And I'd all but given up on you.

(Chuckling sheepishly, Jake picks himself up and squeezes himself into the desk chair with some difficulty.)

JAKE: Eh-heh, no, I just got caught up in... um... (looks around the room, trying to change the subject.) Gee, this is sure a nice room you've got here.

PHELPS: It's like all the others. (Bt) You don't come here very often, do you?

JAKE: I do so! (Phelps gives him a penetrating look, which causes him to crumble.) Well I... once.

(Phelps sighs.)

PHELPS: You're like so many other parents, Mr. Morgendorffer. Too consumed by the grind of everyday life to give your children the time and energy they deserve.

JAKE: Oh no, you've got me all wrong! I wouldn't've come here if I wasn't one hundred percent devoted to my kid. (pounds the desk for emphasis.) I'm ready to hear what you've got to say. (looks off to the side, notices the tray on Phelps's desk.) Ooh -- cookies!

PHELPS: (sighing) Yes, help yourself. (Jake wiggles out of the desk and grabs a bunch, then sits back down, stuffing them one by one into his mouth.) They're called "English tea biscuits," actually. I take my tea in here instead of the lounge because I can't tolerate those other instructors -- with their bulging eyes, their whining, their man-hating... (shudders a little.) But now, Mr. Morgendorffer, let's begin disc-- Mr. Morgendorffer?

(We see Jake stuffing the last of the biscuits into his mouth and licking the crumbs off of his fingers, oblivious.)

PHELPS: Mr. Morgendorffer! (slaps his desk, scowls. Jake is startled back into alertness.) This is serious. Quinn's welfare is at stake. (Bt) You do realize that she's in danger of failing??

JAKE: (cowering a little) Um... as much as in her other classes?

(Beat)

PHELPS: (quiet exasperation) I wouldn't know. But what makes her slide in my class disturbing is that she's naturally gifted in the subject matter.

JAKE: She is? (Bt. disbelief) You're talking about Quinn, right?

PHELPS: (without bothering to acknowledge the question) She has a talent for working with numbers. Coordinating them, matching them, distributing them so that they form the right combinations. It's a talent not too many people have.

(Beat)

JAKE: This is Quinn, you're talking about?? I mean, not some other girl who just looks like Quinn? Not Dar--

PHELPS: Yes, Quinn. Quinn, Mr. Morgendorffer. She could excel in math if she ever put her mind to it, and from there, who knows where she could go?? All she needs is the proper encouragement. (pointed look at Jake as he says this.)

JAKE: (still stunned) Wow, Quinn...

PHELPS: A few months ago, I got my hopes up when, without explanation, she started attending class regularly. It was as if, for the first time, she actually wanted to be taught. She was focusing, absorbing, showing an amazing turn-around, and... needless to say, her plunge has upset me greatly.

JAKE: Yeah. Um, I could see how it would.

PHELPS: (raising a brow) But what's been damaged can be mended. Meaning, your daughter could pull herself up to a respectable grade by the end of this term.

JAKE: (a little cowed by Phelps's intensity) Well, um, yeah. Sure, why not? I mean, if she's so smart, like you say...

PHELPS: And perhaps more.

JAKE: More?

(Beat)

PHELPS: At the end of the term, we math instructors hold our bi-annual entrance examination for Higher Algebra and Trigonometry. It's a class normally taught to juniors... but I think Quinn could make it in. Don't you?

JAKE: (chuckling) But Quinn's only a sopho-- (gets it.) ohhh.

(Beat)

PHELPS: So I offer this to you as a challenge, Mr. Morgendorffer. Do your part as a parent. Sit with Quinn every night for at least an hour. And make sure she attends class each day. I'll do the rest.

(Jake nods frantically. Phelps leans closer to him, looks him directly in the eye.)

PHELPS: (slowly) If we work together, we can make Quinn realize her full potential.

JAKE: (still nodding frantically) Right. Of course...

PHELPS: Oh, and one last thing: I'd prefer to keep my future plans for Quinn between us, if that's all right. Just focus on helping her in the here-and-now.

JAKE: Oh I will. I will...

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside.)

JAKE: (off screen voice-over) Quinn's gonna be a GENIUS!!!

(Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting at dinner. Jake is very animated, while Daria watches him impassively, and Helen with pleasure and surprise -- mostly surprise. Quinn looks pale and stunned.)

JAKE: He said all I gotta do is sit with her every night and then whammo -- she could go anywhere! Well I'm up for the challenge! I've been known to push around the old slide rule in my day.

QUINN: A what??

DARIA: (deadpan) I think the modern slang term for it is "calculator," Dad.

JAKE: Oh. Right. (chuckles.)

(Beat)

HELEN: Well, Jakey, it sounds like you got a lot out of your talk with Mr. Phelps. But I'm sure he meant for both of us to--

QUINN: (crafty) Yeah, um, Dad, are you sure you understood what Mr. Phelps was saying?? 'Cause he can, like, use a lot of really big, confusing words.

JAKE: (looking confused) Well he... seemed pretty clear to me.

HELEN: (glaring sideways at Quinn) Jake, can't you see she's just trying to trip you up?? (Bt. to Quinn) You know, sweetie, this could be your wake-up call. Why not use this opportunity -- (Quinn gets a sour look on her face.) -- to focus on the rest of your studies?

QUINN: (frustrated) But dammit, I don't have time to focus on school! I've got really important plans I have to deal with!

(Pause. She gets a cold look from Helen.)

HELEN: Well make time.

JAKE: Yeah, sweetie -- I'll figure out a way to make learning really fun!

QUINN: Ughhh...

DARIA: Yes, Quinn: get in touch with your inner brain. (smirks wickedly.)

QUINN: Ughhhhhhhh!!! (stands up abruptly.) That's it! I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna go upstairs to... be... sick, now. (stumbles away.)

(The other members of her family watch her go. Then Jake turns to Helen and Daria and waves a hand nonchalantly.)

JAKE: Aw, she's just a little nervous. But wait'll she sees all the really neat stuff I'm gonna do for her. I'll get started now! (jumps up, dashes away.)

(Pause. Daria watches him go, then cocks an eyelid at Helen.)

DARIA: Well, well: I'm impressed.

HELEN: So am I. I've never seen your father so energized.

DARIA: Yeah -- he's awake after dinner. (Bt) But actually, I was referring to your uncommon show of restraint. You didn't try too hard to take the reins from him.

HELEN: Oh come on, Daria, what makes you think I'd do something like that? (gets a pointed look from Daria. conceding) Well look, he said he wanted the chance to prove his parenting skills, and I'm willing to have faith in him.

DARIA: (subtly impressed) Hmm, then maybe your separation wasn't a total waste.

HELEN: And besides, if he messes up, I'll be right nearby to pick up the pieces...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Quinn's room, late evening)

(Shot of her door as seen from the outside.)

QUINN: (off screen voice-over) My life is over!!!

(Cut to an overhead shot of Quinn. She's sprawled across the bed in a crucifixion pose, the cordless phone against her ear.)

QUINN: (melodramatic) My parents are, like, chaining me to the stupid kitchen table every night just 'cause I'm failing math!

(Split the screen to form three triangles, containing Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy. Quinn's on tele-conference call.)

TIFFANY: Bummer.

STACY: But weren't you doing well at one --?

QUINN: They're gonna make me slave away studying for the next dumb test, when I should be working on the Fashion Expo!

STACY: Dumb Mr. Phelps. He gives too many tests.

TIFFANY: Yeah. He's so weird.

STACY: I wish he'd never transferred here from that stupid prep school.

TIFFANY: He could really use some new outfits.

STACY: Yeah, like maybe he could get one of those cute little--

QUINN: Guys! (Bt) Ugh, look, what that means is I'm gonna have to put more responsibility on you. Ordering the food, the flowers, stuff like that.

STACY: On us?? (looks a little intimidated.)

QUINN: Think you can handle it?

TIFFANY: Suuuuure. (gets a delighted smirk.)

QUINN: Great.

STACY: But what'll you be able to do??

QUINN: Hey, don't worry -- I'll be there to wine and dine Mr. Reynaldo and the rest of the Defense of Cute Animals Society. (Bt. chuckles) I mean, I shouldn't have too much trouble ditching my dad. He's not exactly all there, if you know what I mean. (chuckles again.)

(Pause)

STACY: Your dad?? I thought he was your uncle.

(Pause)

QUINN: Oh. Well... he likes it when I call him "Dad." Makes him feel important.

STACY: Oh.

(Beat)

TIFFANY: But your mom's your mom, right??

QUINN: Oh. Yeah.

(Pause. Quinn chuckles nervously.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (kitchen, a short time later)

(Shot of the kitchen table. It's covered with scattered papers, a notebook, an Algebra/Geometry text book, pencils, calculator -- the whole shebang. We now see Quinn walk toward the table uneasily , then collapse into a chair. She leans one elbow on the table and places her head in hand. Then, with her other hand, she picks up a pencil and stares at it suspiciously, as if it's an alien object. Finally Quinn sets it down and lets it roll across the table. Just then, we see Daria come up to her.)

QUINN: (wary) Don't say it.

DARIA: (smirking) That you're well-stocked for your journey to Nerdville?

QUINN: Yes.

DARIA: Well don't worry -- I don't have to. 'Cause congratulations: you've already crossed over.

(Quinn glares at her resentfully, then looks at the math materials, and wilts.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Jake falling off the desk in Mr. Phelps's classroom.]

You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Helen's in Amanda Lane's sculpture class? Daria's proactive?? Has the world gone mad??? Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

[To John Berry: this is what you do when you aren't able to follow up a preview clip with an actual episode. You just blame the MTV programmers for having stupidity that knows no bounds, and claim that they pre-empted your fic with "One Hundred Ways for Teenagers to Have Sex." But, due to a massive letter writing campaign by devoted fans of "Daria," the programmers decided to air your fic after all -- but they aired the wrong fic by mistake! D'OH!!! Those stupid clowns... off with their heads.]

Those anti-smoking commercials. Some of them -- not the super-preachy ones that show empty playgrounds or girls getting turned off by that cute boy who puffs -- are extremely clever. Especially the ones that show clips from the tobacco industry's appearance before Congress. They always make me think twice about picking up the habit... or they would, if not for the fact that I've never thought once about it... ;-) 

Those commercials that advertise the greatest hits from a certain decade. Don't know how, but somehow they've always made me come this close to rushing for the phone and ordering. They play the best music and show the best clips from certain bands. So far, I've been able to resist impulse buying, but some day, the Demon Music lover may prove too strong for me... 

You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

OF ABSOLUTE VALUE

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, that same time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen sitting at the edge of the bed in her and Jake's room, sorting through papers in her opened briefcase. Just then Jake rushes in, carrying a load of wacky knick-knacks and wearing a sweatshirt. He thrusts a couple of objects toward Helen.)

JAKE: Hey honey, what d' you think??

HELEN: (looking up from her stuff) Jake, what are those??

JAKE: Pencil cozies! (Bt) Aren't they cute little guys?? You attach 'em to the eraser, and suddenly your pencil becomes really neat!

HELEN: (amused) And just what's the point of having them?

JAKE: It's all part of making the learning experience fun for Quinn! She likes cute stuff. (Bt) And take a look at this! (spreads his arms out to reveal the message on his sweatshirt.)

HELEN: (reading) "What are you looking at... geek?"

JAKE: Cool, huh??

HELEN: I guess. (Bt) But Jake, do you really think this will help Quinn get serious about studying??

JAKE: I don't know, Helen, but what can it hurt?? Nothing else has worked so far.

HELEN: Hmm, you have a point. (Bt. shakes her head.) Well I must say, Jake: if I'd known you were going to be this excited about helping one of our girls, I'd've sent you to a parent-teacher conference months ago.

JAKE: It was that Mr. Phelps, Quinn's math teacher. He really got me thinking.

HELEN: (cocking a brow) Yes, that man can be awfully persuasive. (grumble. to herself) And irritating as hell...

JAKE: (not hearing her) It was what he said about Quinn being a natural math brain. Did you know she was gifted in math??

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: Well, I knew she was smart -- more than she and certain other people in this house would care to admit.

JAKE: Well I didn't know. I never even gave it a thought. (Bt. gets a bleak expression on his face.) Poor little Quinn. Imagine her sitting on her math talent, scared to use it 'cause she thinks her daddy doesn't believe in her. Alone, depressed... (eyes start to bulge with rage.) resenting the hell out of me, wishing I would just drop dead, wanting to pick me up and HURL me where the sun don't --!

HELEN: Jake. Get a grip.

JAKE: (immediately pacified) Sorry.

(Beat)

HELEN: Look, if anything, we're both to blame for Quinn's performance at school. And Quinn is, too. We'll all just have to try extra hard from now on.

JAKE: Damn right I will. I'm not gonna be an unresponsive father to my little girl. I'm going downstairs right now.

HELEN: (chuckling a little) Okay, Jake.

JAKE: Have fun working, honey! (he leaves.)

(Pause. Helen watches him go, then looks at her briefcase and wilts a little.)

HELEN: Right.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (kitchen)

(Shot of Daria and Quinn sitting at the kitchen table. Quinn's gazing at her math book. Daria has scattered a bunch of peanuts on her side of the table, and is now opening them one at a time. After several seconds of cracking sounds, Quinn finally looks at Daria, irritated.)

QUINN: Quit trying to distract me!

(Beat)

DARIA: Brace yourself, Quinn: I actually think it's cool you're studying.

QUINN: Ha -- right! It's just 'cause I look like a dumb geek. Well don't think I care about this stuff!

(Pause. Quinn refocuses on her book, while Daria returns to cracking peanut shells. After several more seconds, Quinn looks up again, enraged.)

QUINN: Dammit, Daria, would you cut it out?! I can't concentrate!

DARIA: Well if you don't care, then this shouldn't bother you.

QUINN: Mo-om!! Daria's bugging me!

(Just then, we see Jake arrive.)

JAKE: Hey, girls.

DARIA: (to Quinn) Now I'm really convinced.

QUINN: MO-OOOM!!!

JAKE: Um, Quinn, sweetie... (pats himself.)

QUINN: (as if seeing him for the first time) Oh. Right. (Bt) Dad, make Daria stop teasing me.

JAKE: (to Daria) Hey, kiddo -- why don't you go watch some TV? (points toward the living room.)

DARIA: (deadpan) What a novel idea. I might just do that. (scoops up the peanuts, leaves.)

JAKE: That's the spirit, kiddo. (Bt) Wow -- I really am getting the hang of this parenting stuff!

(No response from Quinn. She's too busy looking at her math book with an irritated expression. Jake sits down next to her, lays all of his junk on the table.)

JAKE: Hey look, sweetie! (holds out the pencil cozies.)

(Quinn looks up, sees the cozies, gets a horrified expression on her face.)

QUINN: Eww!! What are those?!

JAKE: (wilting a little) Oh, um, you don't like them?

QUINN: No way! They're creepy!

JAKE: Oh. (hides the cozies in one of his pockets.)

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting down on the center couch and reaching for the TV remote. Having overheard this exchange, she cocks a droll eyelid. Resume shot of Quinn and Jake. Quinn's looking at the rest of Jake's stuff.)

QUINN: And what is with the rest of this stuff?? (rolls her eyes, chuckles with amusement and some condescension.) God, Dad: I'm, like, not in second grade anymore.

(Jake clears the rest of his stuff off the table with one sweep of his arm.)

JAKE: (contrite) Oh, um, yeah. I was just... (slumps forward.)

QUINN: Well look, I've got the hang of this section. So why don't you, um... go eat something or take a nap or whatever?

(Jake shrugs with muted enthusiasm.)

JAKE: Hell, why not? (gets up and leaves the table, dragging his stuff with him, a few falling on the floor in the process.)

(Quinn returns to frowning at her math book. Cut to shot of Jake in the kitchen. He dumps his junk on the counter and picks up an apple out of the fruit basket. Looks at it as though it holds the key to the universe.)

JAKE: (mumbling to it) Well she seems to be doing okay... so there's not much for me to do... (polishes the apple off on his shirt, looks about ready to take a bite, when a thought suddenly occurs to him.) Wait. This is a trap, isn't it?? One of those ones that the good parents know how to get out of, right?? Mmmm, maybe I oughta talk to Helen. (glances toward the stairs uneasily, then shakes his head.) No, no, no -- I can handle this myself.

QUINN: (off screen) Daddy!

(Cut to shot of Quinn at the table, wearing a peevish, bewildered expression.)

QUINN: Who're you talking to??

(Cut to shot of Jake. He chuckles sheepishly, glances at the apple.)

JAKE: Oh... no one, sweetheart. (Pause. in a softer voice.) Think, Jake, m' man: how're you gonna help her out if she says she doesn't need it?? (frowns, rubs the apple meditatively. then gets a revelation.) Aha! I got it! (to the apple) Oh you beautiful thing. (takes a big bite.)

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria sitting on the couch, watching TV.)

SSW ANNOUNCER: Would you want Jennifer Love-Hewitt starring in your movie?? These people did! Hear their horrific true-life tale on the neeeext "Sick Sad World"!

(Daria cringes. We then hear the sound of pounding down the stairs and see Helen sweep past Daria in the direction of the kitchen.)

HELEN: Quinn, sweetie!

(Cut to shot of the kitchen. Quinn looks at her inquisitively as she approaches.)

HELEN: (out of breath) I heard you... calling. Is there a problem?

QUINN: (nonchalant) No problem. Everything's fine, now.

HELEN: Oh.

(Jake comes up to them, hypercharged.)

JAKE: (to Helen) Yeah, honey! I've decided I'm gonna check Quinn's work when she's through. That's something a responsible parent would do, right??

(Beat)

HELEN: Um, right.

JAKE: You never know -- Quinn might just think she's doing the problems right, but is really making mistakes all along! (looks at Quinn, gives her an exaggerated, jokey wink.)

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (hushed) Whatever. (returns to her work.)

(Pause. Helen looks at them both, gets an awkward expression.)

HELEN: Well, um, you two seem to be doing fine. So... I'll, um, leave you alone. (stands there a few seconds longer, then leaves.)

(Cut to shot of Daria on the couch, still watching TV. Helen walks over sort of hesitantly, then sits down beside her.)

HELEN: (cheery) Hi, sweetie. Whatcha watching?

DARIA: (deadpan) Does the psychedelic eyeball not speak for itself?

(Beat)

HELEN: Hmm-hmm. Right. (Pause. looks at the screen, face brightens.) Jennifer Love-Hewitt! Ooh, I like her. She's such a sweet --

(Daria picks up the remote and turns off the TV.)

HELEN: (face falling a tad) Oh.

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jake and Quinn at the kitchen table. Quinn's scribbling away at a problem, frowning with concentration, while Jake munches away on his apple. Quinn glances at him.)

QUINN: Dad, would you, like, not crunch so loud?? Eating sounds are so gross!

JAKE: Forry. (swallows.)

(Resume shot of Helen and Daria.)

DARIA: I was about to go upstairs, anyway.

HELEN: Well what's your hurry? (musters a friendly, crooning tone.) Since we're both sitting here, why don't we have a little briefing on each other's day?

(Beat)

DARIA: Hmm, sitting upstairs certainly can't compare to that thrill. (Bt) Okay, shoot.

(Beat)

HELEN: Um... all right. (Bt) How's school?

DARIA: Fine.

HELEN: And Jane?

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Between her going out with Tom and painting murals for school, I haven't seen too much of Jane lately.

HELEN: Oh.

(Pause)

DARIA: And your day?

HELEN: Oh -- great! Busy, busy... busy. You know me.

DARIA: Yep.

(Pause. Helen and Daria glance at each other, Helen awkwardly, Daria impassively.)

DARIA: (thought voice-over) Five... four... three... two...

HELEN: Oh! Was that my cell phone I heard ringing upstairs?? I'd better go answer it.

(She jumps off the couch, quickly leaves. Daria waits until she's disappeared upstairs before turning the TV back on.)

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Quinn and Jake. Jake pounds the table enthusiastically, startling Quinn.)

JAKE: Ready to get your work checked now??

QUINN: (rolling her eyes, groaning) Fine. Knock yourself out. (thrusts her paper towards Jake.)

(She looks impatiently at her watch as Jake checks her calculations, then looks at the corresponding answers in the back of her math book. His face brightens.)

JAKE: Gosh, sweetie, you got these all right!

QUINN: (blasŽ) Cool.

JAKE: My little Einstein! (punches her lightly on the cheek.)

QUINN: (cringing slightly) Ugh. Daddy, Einstein had, like, really bad hair.

(Beat)

JAKE: Oh. Yeah, right. (Bt. chuckles a little.) Well I don't get it, honey: how can you be so good at this stuff and hate it so much??

(Pause)

QUINN: (hesitant) I don't hate math. (Pause) It just... frustrates me.

JAKE: It does?? That's a shame. Boy, do I know how that is. (eyes start bulging.) You like something until it's drilled into you by a heartless old bastard for whom "can't" isn't a word, until everything you hold dear --!

QUINN: Daddy!

JAKE: (calming down) Oh...hmm. (waves a hand to say "Continue.")

(Beat)

QUINN: It's just... (groans with resignation) all these problems require the right combinations, and it's all on you to figure out what they are.

JAKE: Uh-huh. (looks surprisingly like he understands.)

QUINN: I mean sure, I'm up for the challenge -- mixing and matching is, like, my calling in life. But seeing each new problem with bad combinations that I have to fix just... upsets me. I mean those math people should really know better!

JAKE: Wow, I'd never thought of it like that. (glances at the math book, finds a really complicated equation with a lot of x's and y's all over the place.) Like with this one?

(Quinn looks at it. Her face takes on an expression of disgust.)

QUINN: Ugh -- yes! Those two just don't belong together!! (Bt) I gotta --

(She seizes a pencil and a new piece of paper, then proceeds to work feverishly on the problem. Meanwhile Jake looks on, a bit stunned by her intensity. After several seconds, Quinn drops her pencil and, with a relieved sigh, pushes the paper toward Jake. He looks at it, then at the answer.)

JAKE: Quinn -- you got it right!

(Quinn groans and tosses her hands in the air.)

QUINN: Well I should hope so!

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, several days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy seated on the grass, going over details of the Fashion Expo.)

STACY: ... And I got cute little yellow flowers for each of the displays. And cute-sounding music to play over the speaker system. So when are you gonna see the Defense of Cute Animals Society, Quinn?

(Quinn bows her head slightly.)

QUINN: I'm not sure. I, um, haven't talked to 'em yet.

(Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other, concerned.)

STACY: But didn't you --?

QUINN: (exasperated) I thought I could take care of the preparations easy, but night after night my dad -- um, I mean, the man I call dad -- watches me like some kind of freaking hawk 'til I've finished my dumb math problems.

TIFFANY: Ewww...

STACY: That's not fair, Quinn -- he should know what's more important.

QUINN: No kidding! I can't do anything 'cause he makes me spend, like, hours working on this stuff. I can't even date! (Bt) Well, easily, I mean.

TIFFANY & STACY: Awww...

QUINN: (shaking her head, a note of wonder in her voice) Geez, y' know I never would've thought my dad had it in him...

(Tiffany and Stacy shake their heads with sympathy. Just then, we see a girl walk up to Quinn, wearing a beseeching expression.)

GIRL: Quinn? Which color eyeliner do you think is best: navy or chocolate brown?

(Quinn pauses momentarily to think.)

QUINN: (counseling tone) Well, I personally would go with navy 'cause it gives you, like, that "I'm hot but don't touch me" look, whereas chocolate brown kinda says "Come and get me." Unless of course you want that kind of look in which case go for it, I mean that's just me talking. You don't have to go with what I say, even though I'm usually right about these kinds of things.

GIRL: (shaking her head rapidly) Oh no, no -- you're Fashion Club president. You always know what's right. Thank you. Thank you so much!

(She runs off, overcome with emotion, as if she's just spoken with the Godfather. Quinn turns to Tiffany and Stacy.)

QUINN: (ego gratified) Now where were we?

TIFFANY: Fashion Expo.

QUINN: Right.

STACY: Y' know, if you're too busy, Quinn, Brooke said she'd help out -- if you'd make her a member.

QUINN: (frowning) Hmmm... I dunno. It's already sorta crowded with three.

TIFFANY: Or Sandi could --

QUINN: Sandi?? What about her?? (suddenly irritated) Why should she help out??

(Pause. Stacy and Tiffany glance at each other, a little startled by Quinn's reaction.)

TIFFANY: (reverting to yes-man role) Oh she shouldn't. You're, like, way capable, Quinn.

QUINN: 'Course I am.

(Beat. Stacy looks at Tiffany, a little confused by her turnaround, then at Quinn.)

STACY: (slowly) Well we just thought... since Sandi knows fashion, too...

QUINN: (demanding tone) So you, like, think she could do a better job than me??

STACY: (slightly nervous) Oh well no... but she could... since you're busy...

QUINN: (curt) Look, we don't need anything from Sandi. Sandi quit the club, so why should we involve her in any of our plans?? I can entertain the Cute Animals Society on my own and I will.

STACY: Okay.

(Just then, we see Brittany bound up to them, holding a bottle of pore cleanser and twirling a lock of hair.)

BRITTANY: (spacy cheerful) Quinn, I got Jean-Pierre's pore cleansing stuff just like you suggested!

QUINN: (still irritated) Not Jean-Pierre. Chateau Pierre-Fran 


	11. Breaking the Mold

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the eleventh episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," and "Of Absolute Value." 

I would give this one between a 1.5S and a 2S.

They won't always be this short, so enjoy them while they last!!!

Ten Spot Promo: The freaked-out woman is standing in the dark, holding a candle. She looks around, quivering, "W-who's there??" Then the scary looking guy shows up behind her. Eek!

[intro theme music...................]

BREAKING THE MOLD byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Lane residence, afternoon)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (off screen voice-over) I'm telling you, Daria --

(Cut to shot of Jane painting on her canvas while simultaneously cradling a phone against her ear.)

JANE: -- it is such a drag having my mom at home again.

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting on her bed, a slight smirk playing upon her lips.)

DARIA: Do tell.

(Resume shot of Jane.)

JANE: She completely stifles my creative process. If I'm painting in the neo-Renaissance Geometric style, she tells me to switch to pre-Celtic symmetrical swirls. Can you believe that??

DARIA: (from the receiver) Quite the fascist.

JANE: And not only that, she -- (suddenly pauses as Amanda Lane flutters into the room.) Hold on a sec. (Bt) Mom? What are you doing in here?

AMANDA: (spacy-serene) My restless spirit urged me forth.

JANE: But this is my room.

AMANDA: Oh, I don't believe in boundaries.

JANE: (clenching her teeth, into the receiver) Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

(Amanda comes over and looks at the painting. She shakes her head with benign disapproval.)

AMANDA: Oh Janey, geometric again? Does your heart truly feel free when you paint that way?

JANE: (straining to be patient) No. But oppression makes for great inspiration -- ask Picasso. Now would you get out??

AMANDA: Hmm... my spirit could use a good cappuccino right now. I'll leave you to find inner peace on your own.

(She waves, then flutters away. Jane groans.)

JANE: (into the receiver) And that's how it's been all week.

(Split screen of Jane and Daria, with Daria on the right.)

DARIA: Welcome to my world.

JANE: Ha. No matter how bad things get at home, at least I have the remote satisfaction of knowing I'll never be as bad off as you.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) TouchŽ, Lane. (Bt. sighs) And the sad part is, you're right.

JANE: (amused) So how are things in Hell?

DARIA: Just slightly more bearable than sheer torture. Ever since my dad started helping Quinn with math, my mom's been in bonding overdrive.

JANE: (cringing) Got that "I'm feeling neglected" look in her eyes again?

DARIA: Oh yeah.

JANE: Better break out ye old song book.

DARIA: (emphatic) No way. (Bt) Look, I'll admit she had a point the last time she got like this, but this time she's got nothing to complain about. I'll just go up to her and say flat-out --

JANE: A hideous cancer has taken over your mouth and rotted away half your tongue, so that's why you can't hold a five-minute conversation with her.

(Pause. Daria frowns.)

DARIA: No. That I'd stay and chat -- if I weren't on an urgent mission to kill my friend.

JANE: Oh, she'll never buy that old excuse.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later)

(Shot of Daria's closed door, as seen from the outside. We see it open, and Daria step out. She walks down the hall, toward the stairs, when suddenly: )

HELEN: (off screen. cheery) Hi, Daria.

(Daria stiffens, stops, and turns around with a wary expression. Helen comes up to her.)

HELEN: Where're you going??

DARIA: I'm at the top of the stairs, so I believe the only option is down.

HELEN: (slightly exasperated) I mean where are you going once you reach the bottom?

DARIA: To a land where televisions are just slightly larger than the one in my room.

(Helen rolls her eyes.)

HELEN: (an edge in her voice) TV in the living room again?? Honestly, Daria, that's all you ever do anymore.

DARIA: Until my Broadway musical hits it big.

HELEN: Daria... (Pause. shakes her head.) You know I worry about you, sometimes.

(Now it's Daria's turn to roll her eyes.)

DARIA: Mom, don't bother...

HELEN: Well I really think we should talk about your problem.

DARIA: What problem? I'll be fine once Jane gets done painting for school.

HELEN: Oh?? And what if she gets busy with something else??

(Daria turns and walks down the stairs. Helen hurries after her, not about to give up.)

DARIA: Then I'll go with Plan B: invest in those harpsichord lessons I always wanted.

HELEN: Come on now -- you must have other friends you could spend time with.

DARIA: Jodie's booked through 2012, and Andrea's just too darn optimistic for my taste. So no.

(At her response, Helen loses her eagerness and gets a look of irritation and disappointment.)

HELEN: For God's sake, Daria, why can't you just humor me for once??

(Daria walks over to the couches and takes a seat on the center couch. Helen follows, making sharp, angry gestures with her hands.)

HELEN: Would it hurt you to just answer me straight instead of nixing my ideas with your sarcastic remarks?

(Daria sighs and rolls her eyes with exasperation.)

DARIA: (patient) Mom, what would you like me to tell you?

(Beat)

HELEN: (frustrated) I don't... know. That you're all right. Tha-that you're happy -- or at least your version of happy. That you've got something going on in your life. Dammit, Daria -- (drops onto the couch beside her. looks at her with pleading eyes, while Daria returns her gaze warily.) -- Quinn and Dad have managed to form some sort of relationship. Why can't it be that way with us??

DARIA: But I don't need help with my homework.

(Pause. Helen's expression changes from irritated to weary and saddened. Daria's a tad sorry she made that quip.)

HELEN: (quieter) I swear, Daria, I wish we could -- I mean I feel... (groans) Oh, I don't know what I feel.

(Beat)

DARIA: (somewhat gentle ) Let me take a wild guess. Shut out? Lonely? Empty inside, maybe?

HELEN: Yes. (looks at her, surprised -- "you do understand.") Yes, that's exactly what I feel.

(Beat)

DARIA: Sounds like you're the one who needs something going on in her life.

HELEN: Huh??

DARIA: I mean these symptoms I've just described point to a larger problem than not spending time with your kid. And I don't know if talking to me would solve it. (Pause) Have you ever considered getting a hobby?

HELEN: (hard blink, surprised) A what?

DARIA: Hob-eee. It's that thing where you waste time, but you enjoy it. A hard concept for you to grasp, I'm su--

HELEN: (irritated) I know what a hobby is. And I've got lots of them. (Bt. reflective) Well, when I can schedule them in.... But how would that solve anything??

DARIA: It just might give you some of that satisfaction you're looking for.

HELEN: A hobby would? A hobby?? (Bt. rolls her eyes. humoring) Ooo-kay, Daria, that's what I need. Yes, that's it. I'll just get myself a little hobby and try to forget that my daughter's throwing her life away on the living room sofa.

DARIA: Knew you'd go for the idea.

HELEN: Unless...

(She casts a crafty glance at Daria, who responds with a "Who me?" look.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane walking down the hall.)

DARIA: So we made a bet.

JANE: What?

DARIA: You heard me. She's gonna go out and get herself a hobby, while I... (pauses, makes a sour face.)

JANE: You'll what? (leans closer.)

(Pause)

DARIA: Join a... school... activity.

(Jane bursts out laughing. Daria glares at her.)

JANE: Sooo... pep squad or the Civic Boosters society?

DARIA: I won't even dignify that with a response.

JANE: You could always help me out with painting.

DARIA: And risk brain damage from inhaling the fumes?

JANE: Tha-anks.

(They stop at their lockers. Daria falls against hers with a clang.)

DARIA: Look, whatever club I join, I'll be able to quit in a week. My mom can't survive in a non-work-related atmosphere.

JANE: You hope.

DARIA: I know. Then maybe she'll finally learn to respect my privacy.

JANE: But what if she outlasts you?

DARIA: (making a face) Then I agree to let her talk to me whenever she wants, sarcasm-free.

JANE: Boy you must be going soft. That deal's totally in her favor.

DARIA: (glaring) Thanks a lot.

JANE: Could be worse, though. You could have my latest problem.

DARIA: What d--?

(Suddenly Jane spots someone off screen.)

JANE: (calling out) Hey, Jodie! (looks at Daria, smirks.) Who better to help you find your calling than the Activities Queen herself?

(Daria rolls her eyes. We see Jodie walk over.)

JODIE: Hey, guys.

JANE: (to Jodie) You've got a new addition to your army of helpniks.

DARIA: Shut up.

JODIE: (eyes widening with surprise) Daria??

JANE: (faux maternal tone) It's true -- our little Daria's becoming a joiner.

(Daria's face turns bright red.)

DARIA: You know admitting defeat's sounding better and better.

JODIE: (amused, and with some satisfaction) Aw, come on, Daria, it's not so bad on my side of the fence. I think I can find a place where your cynical outlook will feel at home.

DARIA: (sighing) If you're thinking of the same place I was thinking of, then I'll have you know I was already headed in that direction...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (a short time later)

(Shot of Daria and Jane standing in a classroom. Daria's impassive, Jane's smirking. At their back we see several people bent over computers, some others drawing layout on a long table, and the distant sound of someone making a call for ads.)

GUY: (off screen) Welcome aboard, Morgendorffer!

(Cut to wide shot of Daria, Jane, and the editor of the Lawndale Lowdown -- your typical popular, preppy-type.)

EDITOR: We've been waiting for you to arrive!

DARIA: (deadpan) Well your prayers have been answered.

EDITOR: The Lowdown tries to represent all points of view, and yours would really give it some oomph.

DARIA: (to Jane) "Oomph." Sounds almost as good as "edgy."

JANE: (sardonic) And how can you not write for a paper with cover stories like "Seniors Havin' Fun in the Sun" or "Cafeteria Food is Good for You"?

DARIA: Those exact words just crossed my mind.

EDITOR: That's the kind of enthusiasm I like! (fist pump.) So for your first assignment, how d' you like to write an opinion piece about the school?

JANE: Are you sure you know what you're asking?

DARIA: How can I refuse? I'm a (sour expression) "contributing reporter."

EDITOR: You sure are. Welcome to the Lowdown family! (reaches out and claps Daria on the back -- hard.)

(Cut to shot of the door as seen from the hall, a short time later. Daria and Jane walk out, Daria looking slightly stunned and repulsed.)

DARIA: All right, I've let you in on my humiliation. What's your story?

JANE: My mom's teaching a sculpture class to a bunch of middle-aged yuppies. (makes a face.) I gotta help her out.

DARIA: So that's why she's still in town. But doesn't teaching go against her anti-structure philosophy?

JANE: It would -- if she hadn't broken her kiln. She's in desperate need of cash to replace it.

DARIA: So greed overrides principle once again.

JANE: She loved that kiln, Daria. It was like her favorite child.

DARIA: And how does her unfavorite child figure in? (pointed glance at Jane.)

JANE: (resigned) I sort of made a deal with her. I'd be her little gopher for six weeks if she promised to stay out of my room and not criticize my painting.

DARIA: (recalling Jane's earlier words to her) Sounds like she got the better end of the deal.

JANE: (annoyed) And if she promised never to comment on the artistry of me and Tom lip-locking.

(Pause. Daria turns slightly red.)

DARIA: Um... good move.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn sitting at the kitchen table, while Helen rushes around nearby, on the phone to work.)

HELEN: (crooning) Yes, Eric... (Pause) yes... (Pause) yes... Oh I completely agree...

(We see Daria in the midst of writing her opinion piece for the Lowdown. Quinn has her math book out, but has temporarily pushed it aside to flip through an issue of Waif.)

DARIA: Hmmm... (puts her pen to her mouth in thought.) "Sadistic bloodsuckers" or "hapless followers with no conscience or reason"? (Pause. then finds one she likes, scribbles it down.)

QUINN: (wrinkling her nose) You are so morbid, Daria.

DARIA: Someone in this screwed-up world has to be.

(Helen walks toward them, still absorbed in her phone call.)

HELEN: You know I always go with your judgment on these sorts of -- (spies Quinn.) Quinn, put that magazine away this instant!

(Quinn purses her lips with irritation, slaps the Waif shut and pushes it aside. Meanwhile Helen has returned her attention to Eric. She listens to him with a slightly peevish expression on her face. Tries to conceal it in her tone.)

HELEN: Of course I can have it done by early next week... I mean true (weak chuckle) I have to cancel a few little appointments, but that's perfectly fine -- oh don't worry about me. Oh no... (Pause) Yes, you take care, too, Eric. (Bt) All right. Bye. (hangs up, gets a resigned look.)

(Beat)

DARIA: (smirking) So Mom: how's hobby-hunting going?

(Helen slams the phone on its cradle.)

HELEN: (frustrated) Ha -- who has time to look for a hobby?? Honestly, sometimes I feel the only way I could please that man is if I gave up sleep for good.

(Beat)

DARIA: No time, huh? (sighs, faux resigned.) Then I guess we have nothing more to say to each other. (lays her pen down, wears a look of calm.)

(Pause. Helen turns to her, expression weary and resentful. She makes a few gestures of protest before buckling under the weight of their deal.)

HELEN: (tossing her hands in the air) Look, I've done some searching, all right?? I attended a yoga class over my lunch break today.

DARIA: And?

HELEN: It was very nice, but, um... it was too, um... demanding.

DARIA: O-kay.

(Beat)

QUINN: Well I, for one, totally support you on this whole hobby thing, Mom. Just as long as you don't pick something that'll embarrass me or cause permanent damage to my reputation.

HELEN: (rolling her eyes. sarcastic) Oh no, sweetie -- we wouldn't want that.

(Just then, Jake comes in.)

JAKE: Hey, what's cooking??

DARIA: Take a wild guess.

(Jake walks over to his usual spot at the table and sits down. Helen continues to pace around, exasperated.)

HELEN: Look, Daria, I promise to find some damn hobby. Okay??

JAKE: Hobby?

HELEN: Yes. But it'd be easier if I could decide what I most enjoy doing. (stops pacing. looks at Jake with a thoughtful expression.) What do you think I should do, Jake?

JAKE: Beats me... you're good at so many things.

HELEN: Aww... well thank you. (Bt. it suddenly occurs to her that he might be bluffing. decides to apply pressure to him.) Such as?

(Beat)

JAKE: (getting an uncomfortable look) Well...

(Pause)

HELEN: (hard stare) Well...?

(Pause)

JAKE: Well... erm... um... (Pause) Talk-ing? (cringes slightly as he says it, looks up. his response hasn't helped him.)

HELEN: (annoyed) Really??

JAKE: Yeah. And, um (suddenly springs up out of the chair.) I'd tell you more, but I just heard that pesky loose floorboard creaking again. Better go fix it.

(He leaves quickly. Helen watches him go, curls her lips.)

DARIA: (calm) Just remember that one of us has more than adequately fulfilled her end of the bargain. (gestures at the article she's writing.)

HELEN: (nodding) I know, I know... (Bt. suddenly goes gushy-crooning.) And I think it's super. You've finally found a constructive way to state your viewpoint and reach out to your fellow classmates!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Damn. Should've known you'd react like this. (Bt) But don't think that little burst of support will get you anywhere. Now it's your turn.

(The enthusiasm fades from Helen's face and is replaced by exasperation.)

DARIA: Get a hobby, or you lose.

HELEN: All right.

DARIA: Which would mean no more interrogations without my approval. (Bt. emphatic) And it can't be work-related...

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lane residence, evening, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a fifty-something year-old man seated on a fold-out chair in the Lanes' basement. He's looking off screen and waving some bills in the air.)

MAN: Trent? Hey, Trent?? How 'bout playing a little Jefferson Airplane?

(Trent saunters over, guitar in hand.)

TRENT: Sorry, mister. I only play what comes from the soul.

MAN: Twenty bucks!

TRENT: (thoughtful) Hmmm...

(Suddenly, from off screen: )

PEOPLE: No! Hendrix!/ Peter, Paul, and Mary!/ The Beatles!/ The Grateful Dead!

(Cut to a wider shot. We now see that the basement is filled with middle-aged people, dressed in raggedy clothes, smocks, et cetera. Most are seated upon fold-out chairs or metallic stools at one of three long tables. Others are perched upon some bean bag chairs that have been strewn around, or are leaning against the wall. There are about twenty in all -- and most are waving money and calling out to Trent. Trent looks a tad overwhelmed, but picks up his guitar and starts to play something. Just then, we see Jane and Amanda coming down the stairs.)

AMANDA: My, everyone's here already?

JANE: (annoyed) Yes, where they have been for almost a half hour.

AMANDA: Goodness, time passes so quickly when you're in a meditative trance.

(When she and Jane reach the bottom, Amanda walks over to the middle of the room, while Jane retreats into a corner.)

AMANDA: (to the crowd) Hello, everyone. I hope you all have had enough time to become spiritually attuned to your surroundings. Negative energy is such a downer when you're working with soft materials.

(The crowd murmurs and nods. Cut to shot of Jane standing in her corner.)

JANE: (to Trent, as he comes over) Good thing she's not standing close to me.

(Trent cocks a brow in agreement. Resume wide shot.)

AMANDA: Let's begin class by getting to know each other a little better, shall we? (more nods from the crowd.) I could talk about who I am, your mentor, but who I am's not important. It's you -- you're the ones who will be breathing life and soul into your sculptures, making something out of nothing, and in the process setting yourselves free --

(Cut to brief shot of Jane and Trent. Jane checks her watch. Trent's eyelids are growing heavy.)

AMANDA: But I can't go on. Please tell me about yourselves. (gestures at a woman off to the side.)

(Beat)

WOMAN: Um, well, um, okay -- my name's Shirley and I'm a stay-at-home mom. And I've always been a huge admirer of your work!

AMANDA: (cringing slightly) Please, don't talk about me. It's your moment -- you, you, you.

(She gestures at the next person, an attractive, silver-haired man -- the same one who was asking Trent to play Jefferson Airplane earlier. The man smiles.)

MAN: (warm tone) My name's Greg. Like you, I'm an art instructor, but I'm taking this class because I want to soak up a different atmosphere. Hopefully when it's done, I'll be able to take a little of it back with me when I teach my own class.

AMANDA: (pleased) How nice...

(Cut to shot of Jane and Trent. Trent has started to nod off. Jane takes his guitar -- to prevent it from dropping out of his hand and crashing on the ground. Suddenly, from off screen: )

HELEN: Sorry I'm late! Got stuck in a meeting, then tied up in freeway traffic for an extra twenty minutes because there'd been an accident --!

(Cut to wide shot. Helen's flying down the stairs, still dressed in her work clothes and carrying a gazillion art supplies. She rushes over to Amanda.)

HELEN: Then I had to stop at home and explain to my husband how to properly reheat lasagna then tell Quinn that Waif is not a subject in school so put away the damn magazine then grab some low-nutrition energy booster to get me through the evening because I had no time to eat dinner myself so that's why I'm late. I'm so sorry. (exhales deeply.)

(She's met with silence. Amanda looks delighted to see her, while everyone else appears stunned by her sudden arrival. Cut to close-up of Jane and Trent. Trent's now fully awake, while Jane's smirking -- "Suddenly things have gotten interesting.")

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Helen rushing down the Lanes' stairs while everyone else looks on.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: This is the true story of seven teenagers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite... on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

[Btw: I planned this episode long before I knew Tracy Grandstaff was in the "Real World" pilot. My psychic streak continues!]

The most dreaded words in the English Language: "On an all-new 'Suddenly Susan'... 'Jessie'... 'Veronica's Closet'... 'Party of Five'... 'Ally'..." I'm sorry, but "Ally" is nothing more than a chopped-up, resold "Ally McBeal" episode. A blatant assault on our need for originality... 

The Gap commercials where all the models stand around singing. Okay, I'll admit I find the vest one catchy, but the one in which they wear leather creeps me out. They all look like zombies, zombies I tell you! Why would anyone want to wear stuff that comes with the subtle message: "Blend in... one of us... one of us... one of us..." Never mind that neither the vests nor the leather items are attractive... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

BREAKING THE MOLD

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane standing on a raised platform next to a school building. She's painting a large mural which looks part-Michelangelo, part-Picasso, part-Goya. Below her, we see Daria leaning against a part of the wall that isn't covered with paint.)

DARIA: (smirking) Then what happened?

JANE: Well, first your mom had to be enlightened about the way an art class is run...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to flashback of the previous night. Helen is standing at one of the tables, now wearing a smock. Both she and her neighbor are working with soft, reddish-brown clay on top of wooden boards. Her neighbor is already deeply absorbed in her sculpture: molding it with her fingers, carving pieces of it with a knife, or wetting it with a squirt bottle when the clay becomes too dry. Helen, meanwhile, struggles to make her lump into a Classical Greek figure -- she has a model set before her. She keeps trying to stick arms onto the body, only to watch with frustration as they grow too heavy and break off. At last she reaches her limit.)

HELEN: Damn it! (smashes the figure to pulp with her fists.)

(Her neighbor scoots away from her a tad, eyes her warily. Just then, Amanda flutters over.)

AMANDA: (soothing) Oh Helen, still haven't made peace with the clay, have you?

(Helen gets a look of panic and immediately begins molding a new form.)

HELEN: Oh... well, (weak chuckle) I think I'm getting the hang of it now. (Bt. more anxious) Look, I know I don't seem very good at this, but I did spend three hours late last night watching "Sculpture and You" on public broadcasting and I think I picked up a few --

AMANDA: Helen, it's all right.

HELEN: (pleading look) I mean please don't make me leave just because I'm not as good as everyone else. This is the last class I could find available and if I can't stay I'll lose the b--

AMANDA: Helen, Helen, there's no need for excuses, here.

HELEN: (wilting a little) It's just... I'll get better, I know I will. I pick things up very fast and I've never failed at anything I've put my mind to. Never. (Bt. suddenly irritated.) But shouldn't you be teaching us?? I mean I really don't understand why we're paying you good money to just --

AMANDA: Helen! (instantly reverts back to serenity.) The point of this art class isn't to pander to an archetypal standard of perfection. It's to express the inner you. (reaches over to pat Helen's cheek as she says this.)

HELEN: The what? (jerks away.) What kind of art class is that? What's the point of taking a class in something if you can never get good at it?? Like her. (points to her neighbor.)

WOMAN: (matter-of-fact) I've taken art classes every summer and minored in studio art back in college.

HELEN: (irritated) Oh well aren't we awfully high and mighty?!

WOMAN: (to Amanda) Could I pleeeese change tables??

HELEN: (tossing her hands in the air) Well I guess I have no choice but to stick with this class. But let me tell you, Amanda, I am not happy with the structure of...

(Meanwhile Amanda's normally placid face looks a bit weary.)

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Let's just say she still doesn't get it.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later in the flashback. Helen is now at work on a different sculpture, similar to the one her neighbor's been making. Although she handles the clay in a timid manner -- poking it softly or taking off small chunks instead of kneading it -- she looks fairly relaxed.)

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) Even so, she seemed to be into it for a while. (Pause) Until...

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) Yes?

JANE: Disaster struck.

(Helen keeps eyeing her neighbor's work as she sculpts. Finally her neighbor catches her, stops what she's doing.)

WOMAN: (irritated) You know, if you want sculpting tips, all you have to do is ask.

(Helen pulls away from her work. Looks at the woman, outraged.)

HELEN: Are you accusing me of copying?? Because I'll have you know that I have never copied a day in my life. I'm perfectly capable of learning how to sculpt on my own!

(With that, she flings her hand at her neighbor, forgetting that she's been holding a rolled-up piece of clay. The clay flies from her grasp and hits her neighbor's face. For a few seconds both Helen and the other woman are too shocked to speak. Then the woman becomes enraged.)

WOMAN: Oh that is it. You've been pissing me off all evening! You want to watch me handle clay?? (sinks her hand into the putty-like substance.) Then watch this.

(She heaves a fistful at Helen, which splatters on her face and on the front of her smock. Helen stands there for a moment, stunned, before becoming equally enraged. She takes a large mass of clay and hurls it at her neighbor; it hits her neighbor's shoulder and even gets on another person's face. Her neighbor retaliates, and pretty soon we have war. Helen and the other woman battle it out while everyone else watches with fascination -- even Amanda.)

DARIA: (present off screen voice-over) So that's where that dried brown stuff on her face came from.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to the present shot of Daria and Jane.)

DARIA: This is too easy. She'll be out of there before the next class starts.

JANE: (smirking wickedly) Meanwhile, how're things on your end, my cub reporter?

(Daria blushes. Fade-out. Fade-in to flashback taking place an hour or two ago. We see a close-up of the Lowdown editor. He's holding Daria's article and wearing a snaky smile.)

EDITOR: Y' know, Daria...

(Cut to wide shot of him and Our Heroine.)

DARIA: (not fooled by his b.s. demeanor) Yes?

EDITOR: Your article's really got oomph, it really does...

DARIA: Yes??

EDITOR: Buuuuuut... it's kind of too oomphy, if you know what I mean.

DARIA: No.

EDITOR: We-eell... see, we're a paper that likes oomph, but good oomph, the right amount of oomph...

DARIA: Is there an ape in here?

EDITOR: Huh? (Bt) Now you see Larry over there?

(Cut to shot of Larry. He's sitting at a computer, but turned to the side so that his long hairy legs are propped up on one of the tables. He wears a backward baseball cap and a lazy expression, and is busy inhaling a huge slice of pizza. Resume shot of Daria and the editor.)

DARIA: I've been trying not to.

EDITOR: Now he is someone who can produce good oomph. Look at one of his articles: (points to one in the copy he's holding.) "Never Fear -- Fun Time's Here"! It's about how you can still enjoy yourself even while you're at school. He only wrote it in twenty minutes, but he still managed to give it a message and make it enjoyable.

DARIA: And also managed to misspell half his words in the process.

EDITOR: A minor technicality.

DARIA: (reading) "Fun tip number one: pour a lot of blue and yellow dye into the swimming pool to make it spirited." (Bt) Oh yeah, that'll make my day.

EDITOR: Yeah, it's really inspiring. See now, if you'd just taken a page from Larry...

(Beat. Daria groans softly.)

DARIA: Listen, I just wrote about what I see. You did know that's how I write when you fell all over me a few days ago, didn't you??

EDITOR: Hey, all I knew was that you got A's in all your English classes and Mr. O'Neill thinks you're some kind of god. That was enough for me.

(Daria rolls her eyes -- "Figures.")

EDITOR: But if you don't feel like brightening up your writing, that's okay. 'Cause we could still really use you on the paper.

JANE: (present off screen voice-over) For?

(Cut to present shot of Daria and Jane.)

DARIA: For survey taking. (holds one up to Jane.)

JANE: (reading) Which is your favorite topical skin cleanser? Oxy... Clearasil... (shakes her head.) Good lord.

DARIA: (deadpan) Well, which one?

JANE: So, is this their attempt to bore you off the staff?

DARIA: Probably. But whatever they do, I'll stick it out. (cocks an eyelid.) Unless they make me fashion reporter.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Helen's SUV, the following week)

(Shot of the SUV driving along the freeway in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Cut to inside shot. Helen is on the cell phone, wearing a contrite, conflicted expression.)

HELEN: (mustering a crooning tone) Hello? Amanda?

AMANDA: (from the receiver. warm) Helen. Somehow I sensed you would call.

HELEN: Um, right. (Bt) Listen, I'm sorry, but I really don't think I can make it this evening. I've just got so much paperwork to go through, which I have to have ready by Friday, and... um, I just wanted to let you... know. (glances at a tall stack of files on the passenger side seat.)

AMANDA: Now, Helen, are you still upset because you don't feel sure of your creative capabilities? Or because Patty called you a nasty, gutless, whining sellout?

(Helen's face turns a little pale.)

HELEN: Um... (shakes her head. more vehement.) No, no, really. I'm a busy woman, Amanda. Maybe you can afford to drop everything and flitter across the country on a whim, but I've got two important cases coming up that need my attention. (voice rising) I'm not going to make it to class every week, and I certainly can't to this one.

(Pause)

AMANDA: Very well. But it's too bad... somehow it feels like you could use this class more than anyone.

(Helen opens her mouth, ready to protest, then slowly closes it. Her face takes on a reflective look.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lane residence, later that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane walking past the tables, holding a basket of surplus art supplies, which she offers to each occupant. As she's doing so, she glances off screen.)

JANE: (under her breath) Back for Round Two, I see.

(Cut to brief shot of Helen. She's standing at her own table -- everyone else having chosen to be a safe distance away -- and continues to work with clay. Actually, struggle would be a better word. Jane shakes her head, retreats into her corner. A few seconds later, we see Trent approach her from the stairs, guitar in hand.)

JANE: Don't you have rehearsal?

TRENT: Hey, the gigs pay better here. (Bt) Besides, there's more entertainment. (nods toward Helen.)

JANE: (smirking) I'll say.

(Cut to shot of Amanda, roaming around the room, observing the various sculptures in progress. She stops to watch one man hack the bark off of a dead log. The man swings his axe with swift, decisive strokes, always landing on target.)

AMANDA: (admiring) Paul, it's so noble of you to return life to a thing that has died. What will you call this piece?

PAUL: Satan's Death Stare. (continues hacking.)

AMANDA: Oh.

(She quickly moves on to the next person. We see that it's Greg, at work on a formless multi-media project of clay, plaster, and paint.)

AMANDA: Why Greg, what a creative blend of materials.

GREG: (smiling) Thanks, Amanda.

(Amanda observes him for a few seconds longer, before turning to the next person -- Helen. Her serene look gives way to a benevolent frown.)

AMANDA: Helen, Helen... (shakes her head.)

(Helen looks up, startled. She's been so absorbed in her work, she lost all track of time and her surroundings.)

AMANDA: Helen, when I look at your sculpture, I see clay that's... trapped. (clenches her fists for emphasis.) Repressed. It has no spirit.

HELEN: (losing all patience) Well then what do you want?! (smashes the structure into a formless heap.) I mean why bother to shape the clay at all if you're so worried about it being trapped?!

AMANDA: Yes, but...

HELEN: I mean clay has to be trapped somehow if it's to become a sculpture.

(Cut to shot of Jane and Trent, watching Helen. Jane frowns mildly.)

JANE: Y' know it's weird: I kind of feel sorry for her.

TRENT: Hmm, yeah.

(Resume shot of Helen and Amanda. Helen heaves a sharp sigh and rolls her eyes in an "I give up" manner. She runs her hands along her smock, trying to wipe off the dried clay.)

AMANDA: (soothing) Ah, but you see, there's a difference between "formed" and "trapped." Clay that is trapped has no spirit. I'm still seeing you try to make something that comes from outside of you.

HELEN: I just don't understand -- how in God's name do you make something from inside of you??

AMANDA: All you have to do is clear your mind. (closes her eyes, spreads out her arms.) Let your thoughts be free...

(Helen watches her, looking extremely confused. Just then Greg comes over.)

GREG: 'Scuse me, Amanda, I don't mean to intrude. But before Helen starts molding from her mind, maybe she needs some pointers.

(Amanda nods in agreement. Greg walks over to the opposite side of the table from Helen. Looks her in the eye and smiles.)

GREG: See, now, you're being too timid with the clay. The clay is your friend, not your enemy. (his smile deepens, compelling Helen to smile back at him.) Now just take big slabs and press them together like this. (demonstrates, working the clay hard with his long fingers.) Make sure your framework is really solid. Worry about smoothing it out later. (Bt) Now why don't you try?

HELEN: O-kay... (takes small lumps of clay and starts pressing them together.)

GREG: Hmm, almost. But...

(He reaches over and takes Helen's hands in his, then gently spreads out her fingers to show that she needs to take larger pieces. Helen nods, a little disconcerted. She takes fist-sized chunks and presses one on top of the other. Greg nods with approval.)

GREG: That's it. You do that, and your structure, whatever it is, will be a lot stronger.

HELEN: Um, right. (Bt) Th-thank you.

GREG: No problem.

(He returns to his table. Amanda puts a hand on Helen's shoulder.)

AMANDA: There now, is that better? It's as I was telling Janey about geometric --

JANE: (off screen) Would you stop with the geometric versus swirls, already?!

(Amanda starts chuckling. Helen does, too, a little.)

AMANDA: Children. (shakes her head.)

HELEN: Oh, yes. (Bt. kneads together the two chunks of clay.) You know the only reason I'm in this class is to prove a point to Daria. (tears off another two lumps of clay from the large heap.) To teach her the importance of extending herself and trying new things. (presses the lumps forcefully against her new structure.) I mean she can't just spend every day at home sitting in front of the T.V., can she?? (presses her hands hard against either side of the structure, so that it forms a narrow column shape.)

AMANDA: Television drains the soul of its creativity, leaving a shell of nothingness.

HELEN: (not hearing her. irritation creeping in) And even if I never have a right to ask about her life again, at least she'll be broadening her horizons. (continues to mold for several more seconds, before digging her fingers into the clay.) Dammit -- shut me out, will she?! (twists the structure around, tears pieces off and presses them back on again in a haphazard manner.) What's so wrong with me wanting to have a silly little chat with her every once in a while?? What is she afraid of?! What did I ever do to --?!

AMANDA: Helen! That's amazing!

HELEN: Huh?

(She stops molding and steps away. Looks at the sculpture, which is now twisted and bent in an interesting pattern, similar to the shape of a wild mushroom. It still bears the imprints of Helen's fingers.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane, Daria, and the 3 Js at the wall where Jane's been painting. Jane is sitting on the raised platform, legs dangling over the edge, while Daria stands on the ground, in the midst of conducting a survey.)

DARIA: (extreme deadpan) So Sarah Michelle Gellar is the biggest "betty" on TV today?

JOEY/JEFFY/JAMIE: Oh yeah!!!

DARIA: And you think she should be president of the United States?

(The 3 Js, nod vehemently. Daria stifles a groan.)

DARIA: And your reason would be...?

JEFFY: (doing a fist pump) 'Cause she kicks ass, man!!!

JAMIE: Ye-ahhhhh!!

JOEY: We wouldn't, like, even need an army 'cause she could, like, drive a stake through the bad guys' hearts and get that other chick to cast a spell an' kill all the other bad guys!

JEFFY/JAMIE: Yeah!!

JANE: (sardonic) And who would be vice-president?

(The guys looks at each other, pause to think. Then: )

JOEY/ JEFFY/ JAMIE: Quinn!!!!

(Daria rolls her eyes. Jane smirks.)

DARIA: Now there would be a meeting of the minds.

JANE: (to the 3 Js) Just vice-president? Gee, she must not mean much to you if she only gets second-place status.

(The 3 Js get a look of panic.)

JOEY: No, no! The only reason she's not president --

JAMIE: -- is 'cause, um, we don't want her to get too stressed-out.

JEFFY: With making war an' stuff, yeah. (nods vehemently.)

(Jane's smirk widens. Daria exhales sharply and rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: I don't suppose it occurred to you that neither she nor Sarah Michelle Gellar is old enough to be president. Or that Sarah Michelle Gellar is an actress -- not a vampire slayer. Or that you guys will be voting in a few years, so therefore your ignorance of today's issues can only be described as "inexcusable." Even dangerous.

(long pause)

JOEY: (frowning) You really know how to take the fun out of things, Daria.

(He and the other two Js leave. Daria tosses one of the survey sheets into the air, and she and Jane watch it float to the ground.)

JANE: Show a little enthusiasm, why don't you?

DARIA: (irritated) Don't tell me you're on their side.

JANE: (scoffing) Those walking hormones?? (Bt) I meant why are you just reading these boring surveys to people?

DARIA: Because I can't trust them to know how to read, themselves.

JANE: C'mon, Daria -- "Who are TV's 'betties' and 'hotties'?" You're capable of better.

DARIA: (slightly defensive) Hey, in case you've forgotten, I got this assigned to me. If I refuse, the cretins who run the Lowdown might kick me off, and that means...

JANE: (nodding) Yeah, yeah -- bet.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) So how're things on the other end?

JANE: Well, your mother was marginally less embarrassing last night than the previous week. (sees Daria's worried look.) Marginally.

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Great. With my luck, she'll become hooked and never want to leave.

JANE: Hmm, yeah. (Bt) I'd offer to sabotage her work, but I think whatever I'd do would be an improvement.

DARIA: (resigned) In any case, it looks like I'm stuck.

JANE: Yep.

DARIA: You know I wouldn't mind being on the paper so much if they'd give me something normal to do, like write an article. A lot of things go on at this school that have never been brought to light. (Bt. reflective) That need to be.

JANE: (vague surprise) Do I detect social conscience in your voice?

DARIA: (reddening a bit) Um, no. (Bt) But these surveys are a complete waste of space and ink. I hate giving them.

JANE: So don't.

DARIA: (annoyed) I just told you --

JANE: Hey, they said to give surveys. (smirks wickedly.) They never said which surveys, did they?

(Beat. Daria returns the smirk.)

DARIA: Hmm... you know I feel a twisted idea coming on.

(She turns over one of the surveys, removes a pen from her backpack, and starts jotting down some new questions. Jane watches with approval.)

JANE: Ooooh, very wicked, my friend.

(Several seconds later, just as Daria's finishing up, we see Kevin and Brittany walk past.)

BRITTANY: Kevvy, look at the wall!

KEVIN: Yeah, babe, cooool.

(Beat)

JANE: (calling) Hey, you two lovebirds...

DARIA: How'd you like to answer a survey?

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, evening at the beginning of the next week)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn sitting at the kitchen table, while Helen rushes back and forth, preparing the lasagna. As she's setting it down on the table, she notices that Quinn is reading the latest issue of the Lowdown. Looks at it, then at Daria.)

HELEN: Daria, why didn't you tell us the school paper was out??

DARIA: (deadpan) My humility got the better of me.

HELEN: Well I want to see what you've written.

DARIA: (going slightly red) Um...

(Quinn flips through the pages, scanning each one.)

QUINN: I don't see you anywhere, Daria.

(Helen looks at Daria, raises her brows in an exasperated "Care to explain yourself?" manner. Daria groans.)

DARIA: I am on staff, just not as a regular reporter.

HELEN: Then what do you do?

QUINN: (eyes fixed on a page) God (chuckles) who gives these surveys?? They are sooooo weird. "If the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync fought to the death, who would you want to see killed and why?" (Bt. smirks at Daria.) Oh. It was you.

DARIA: (deadpan) Surprise.

(Pause. Helen looks at her, indeed, with genuine surprise.)

HELEN: Surveys?

DARIA: Were you expecting the society column?

HELEN: (shaking her head) I don't understand: why didn't they let you write something? Surely they must know how talented you are.

DARIA: (bitterness creeping in) All they care about is that every writer's viewpoint matches their own. And mine definitely does not.

HELEN: But --

DARIA: Look, I'm contributing to the paper, and I'm interacting with other people. (pointed look at Helen.) That's really the only thing that matters, isn't it?

HELEN: Um... (looks like she wants to say something else, then changes her mind.) Well sure it is.

(She sits down at the table to cut the lasagna. Daria smirks -- now it's her turn to go on the offensive.)

DARIA: So... Jane was telling me that your art class --

(Helen drops the spatula, forces a chuckle.)

HELEN: Oh-ho, Jane! I can only imagine what she's told you. Probably that I look a little absurd...

DARIA: That's putting it mildly.

HELEN: But, um... (frowns a little) whatever she's said, just remember that it's probably because she's an artist, and she's not used to seeing people with less experience work with the materials.

DARIA: (not buying it) If you say so.

(Just then, Jake wanders in. He sits down at his usual place.)

HELEN: But I am enjoying that class. Really I am.

DARIA: Sure.

(Helen picks up the spatula and begins serving the lasagna.)

HELEN: (hesitant. reflective) I mean yes, it's true that I have to alter my work schedule to fit it in... which is something I'm still not comfortable with... and I hate being away from all of you. (pauses for a moment to gauge her family's response -- sees that Jake looks preoccupied and Quinn mildly interested.) But even so... when I think about going, I get a little... excited.

DARIA: (surprised) Really?

HELEN: Yes. (Pause) I mean, it's sort of fun getting to talk to people. Well... er... (recalls that many of these "talks" haven't been too friendly.) some of them. And I like getting to create something with my own two hands rather than have it be pre-made and packaged for me. (smirks slightly.) Not to mention getting a little messy from the clay --

QUINN: (catching her last words) Eww... messy?? (shudders a little.) That does not sound like any class I would like.

(Pause)

HELEN: (an edge in her voice) Well then I guess you should be glad you're not the one taking it. (Bt) Look, I'm as surprised as you by how it's been growing on me. I never thought of myself as the artistic type. (Bt) Did you, Jake?

(Pause. Then Jake revives.)

JAKE: Huh? (Bt) Sorry, sweetheart, I wasn't listening.

HELEN: (icier tone) Oh? Got something more important on your mind?

JAKE: Important? 'Course not. (chuckles.) Nothing's more important than you.

HELEN: (placated) Aww... Well anyw--

JAKE: But now that you mention it: Helen, could I run a pitch by you I've been wanting to make to a client?? He said he was looking to market a new educational toy, so I thought: what about math problems as pets!

(Beat)

HELEN: (a tad startled) Well I guess, bu--

JAKE: You can thank Quinn for my inspiration. (winks in her direction.) It'd be kind of like PokŽmon -- you'd wear one around your neck and feed it and take care of it...

QUINN: (pleased by his praise) Ooh, Dad, that'd be neat. You know I was just thinking the other day how much pi is like a cute little animal.

DARIA: (sardonic) 'Cause eating it a la mode gives you that warm 'n' fuzzy feeling?

QUINN: (scoffing) Not pie -- pi. That squiggly thing that marks the circumference of a circle. Y' know how it's got those cute little legs...

JAKE: Hey yeah -- it does, doesn't it? I hadn't even thought of that... (pauses to make a mental note of it.) And those higher power numbers, the little ones that go next to the big ones -- they're cute too, aren't they?

QUINN: (wrinkling her nose in thought) Yeah... they're cute. But pi is cute. If pi were on the Endangered Species list, I'd be, like, really upset.

DARIA: Heaven forbid.

JAKE: (to Helen) But anyway, I really think this idea could go somewhere! But I thought I'd ask you how to give the big sell 'cause you're always so good at that assertive, getting-people-to-pay-attention crap. (Bt) So what d' you think??

(Pause)

HELEN: Well... your idea sounds good... and you have the right amount of enthusiasm. (Pause) I don't think you'll have any problem getting your pitch across.

JAKE: Great, I was hoping you'd say that. (Bt) So sorry I interrupted -- let's get back to what we were talking about before. Your art class, or something -- right, Helen??

DARIA: (droll) I believe so.

JAKE: What were you gonna say?

(Pause)

HELEN: Nothing.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lane residence, the next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen working on a big wire frame, which stands atop a long wooden board. To one side of the frame we see a heap of cheesecloth and a big bucket of water. Helen leans down, picks up a sack of plaster dust, and pours it into the water Then, as it bubbles and fizzes, she reaches for a spoon and stirs the water until it turns gray. Just then, Jane appears bearing extra art supplies.)

JANE: So you've given up on clay, huh?

HELEN: (a tad defensive, remembering what Daria told her) It was just getting too easy for me. Plaster requires more planning, and therefore should be much more interesting to work with.

JANE: Uh, yeah. (glances at the wire structure, then at the bucket.) You sure you know what you're doing?

HELEN: Of course. Your mother and Greg taught me all there is to know, so I really don't think I'll have any problems.

JANE: (shrugging) Whatever you say.

(She starts to leave. Just then, Helen notices that several wires have detached themselves from her framework, causing it to split open.)

HELEN: Dammit! I thought I'd -- (seizes a pair of pliers and hastily reattaches the wires.)

JANE: Need help?

HELEN: No. I'm fine. You can just run along, this is all a part of my learning process. (returns to bending wires. grumbles.) Not that some people would care...

(Again, Jane delays leaving, having overheard this last bit.)

HELEN: (bending harder, grumbling) Oh no, don't listen to what I have to say, don't care about what's going on with me.... (some of the wires detach. Helen slams down the pliers.) Dammit why won't these stupid things stay put?!

(Her outburst has caught the attention of several other students, many of whom look at each other and nod a "She's at it again." Meanwhile, Jane notices that Helen slamming down the pliers has caused the bucket of plaster to jiggle... and veer dangerously close to the edge of the table.)

JANE: Um, Mrs. Morgendorffer...

HELEN: (oblivious, now bending the wires with her fingers) I mean I try and I try... I want to help them out, I want to be there for them, but do I ever get that kind of consideration in return? From any of them?? (cuts a finger on one of the wires.) Owww! Dammit!!

JANE: Here's a rag. (reaches into her basket and pulls one out. hands it to Helen.) Look, watch the plaster, or it'll tip over.

HELEN: Fine. (picks up the bucket, whose contents have changed from thin gray water to soft gray mud. sets it on the opposite end of the board from her wire structure.)

(Jane exhales softly and turns to leave. Helen looks at the structure, tears of frustration filling her eyes.)

HELEN: Damn, I hate this thing. Why has everything I've set out to do lately gone wrong?? (in a burst of anger, takes the pliers and beats them against the frame, warping its shape.) I tell Jake I don't mind if he helps Quinn with math, and now they have their own little (whack) bond, and they just ignore me. (whack, whack)

(The wooden board jiggles with every blow, causing the plaster to do the same. Meanwhile the opposite side of the board, the side with the structure, is creeping over the edge of the table. Jane's moved a distance away, but when she turns in Helen's direction, she catches what's going on.)

HELEN: I ask Daria to tell me about her life and she threatens to close herself off for good. (whack, whack) I mean it's reached the point where I don't know what to do anymore! (preparing for another blow, she presses her elbow down sharply on the vulnerable corner of the board.)

JANE: (calling) Dammit, look out!

(But her warning is useless. Like something shot out of a catapult, the bucket of plaster flies up and overturns directly on Helen's head. For several seconds she remains paralyzed, as a thick gray substance seeps down her hair, face, and shoulders. At last she reaches up, yanks the bucket off of her head, and tosses it to the ground.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Split screen of Daria conducting a survey, Helen in the midst of a clay war.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

We're approaching November, folks, which means... campaign ads! Even though it's not a big election year (thank God), we all probably have to suffer through some. And no matter who they're for, they all bear the same tell-tale marks of insincerity, preachiness, and plain ol' mean-spiritedness... 

The International House of Pancakes commercial where the syrups come to life and talk about what makes them so appealing. Pecan syrup: "I hear the ladies really go for the pecan." Um, 'kay, what is the purpose of this ad? It doesn't work for comedy, and the display of pancakes alone would tempt people to go to IHOP. Dunno about you, but I'd be less inclined to use syrup if I associated it with a lusty guy in a pecan costume. ;-) 

McDonalds ads: Goliath-sized company... crappy food... stupid red-haired clown. Need I go on? 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

BREAKING THE MOLD

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Lane residence, late that same night)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Trent sitting at the kitchen table. Jane's sipping tea and looking drowsy. Trent is snoozing, his cheek against the table top. Off screen, we hear the sound of pipes creaking with the rush of water. When it finally ceases, Jane nudges Trent.)

JANE: Yo -- Trent.

TRENT: (stirring) But officer, she acts like she's eighteen... huh? (blinks) Janey. What time is it?

JANE: Eleven thirty-five. (Bt) Look, Daria's mom just finished her third shower. Let's just tell her she looks good and send her home.

TRENT: (cocking a brow) Got it.

(long pause. Then we see Helen and Amanda walk in.)

AMANDA: (to Helen. supportive) ... It was so fascinating how for that brief moment in time, you and the art became one. Oh how I wish I could have had that experience.

HELEN: (irritated. weary) Yes, I wish you had, too. Then I wouldn't have been the one humiliated.

(We see that she and Amanda have been pretty successful at scraping away the plaster -- quite a feat, since the plaster hardened into cement between the time of Helen's disaster and her first shower. From face to hands, Helen's skin is now very pink due to constant scrubbing. No plaster remains in her hair, either. The only problem is, all of the washing has turned Helen's hair into a wreck -- half of it stands straight up.)

HELEN: I need to call home...

(She moves toward the phone. Trent looks at her hair, cocks an impressed eyebrow.)

TRENT: Hey, cool look.

(Helen pauses, looks at him. Her face goes pale and she runs a hand across her hair. Then tears well up in her eyes, spill over.)

JANE: (to Trent. muttering) Nice one, Hendrix.

TRENT: (defensive) I was just doing what you --

HELEN: Oh who am I kidding??

(She collapses into a chair and lays her arms on the table, then buries her face in them. Jane and Trent watch with discomfort as she cries softly.)

JANE: (awkward. trying to be supportive) Hey, trust me, it's not that bad. You've gotten most of the plaster chips out, and a little gel will smooth your hair right --

HELEN: (lifting her face) Not that. (Bt) I mean what ever made me think I could take this on??

AMANDA: (reaching forward and putting her hands on Helen's shoulders) Yes, plaster can be awfully stubborn, which is why I usually discourage first-time students from --

HELEN: I'm talking about this class! (glances from one Lane to the next as if they're all crazy. then sits up straighter and gazes at the table top.) What made me think I could do art? I never showed any talent for it in the past, so how could I think I'd improve now? There's no point in trying something if you know you're just going to fail at it.

(Pause. The Lanes exchange troubled looks.)

AMANDA: But don't you enjoy it, Helen?

(Helen heaves a sob and sniffles loudly.)

HELEN: M-maybe a little. All right, more than a little, but that doesn't matter. I-it's just been a waste of time.

(long pause)

JANE: Were you expecting to learn everything in three weeks?

HELEN: N-no... but there are things I could have been doing that were much more important.

JANE: Such as?

HELEN: Spending time with my family... catching up on all the paperwork that's been piling... reorganizing my campaign for the library board... (heaves another sob.) Dammit, there's s-so much to do and never enough time. I've just been goofing off! Wh-what made me think I could do that??

(Her tears intensify, and her shoulders quiver from the sobs. In a maternal gesture, Amanda wraps her arms around Helen's shoulders and begins to rock slowly. Meanwhile, Jane and Trent look on with extreme discomfort.)

JANE: (awkward) Maybe because... you're a human being.

(Helen continues to cry for several more seconds before Jane's words sink in.)

HELEN: (sniff, sob) Wh-what... w-w-wha--?

AMANDA: Shhh, Helen. (Bt) What Janey means is that it's natural for every person to want a little time to themself. In fact, a wise old Navajo chief who sells souvenirs by the freeway once told me that a piece of your soul will die every year, unless you take dips in the pool of you.

HELEN: (sniff) Huh?

AMANDA: I'm saying that we need time to explore ourselves, nurture ourselves, until we've learned to love our imperfections along with our virtues. (squeezes Helen's shoulders one last time before releasing her.) So don't be upset that you took some time for yourself, Helen. You were just exploring that sweet little Heleny-ness that exists inside you.

JANE: "Heleny-ness"?

TRENT: (impressed) Whoa, Mom. Deep stuff.

AMANDA: (pleased) Thank you, dear.

HELEN: (sniffling, but sounding calmer) I-I see what you mean. (Pause) I think.

JANE: (to Helen) Yeah, I mean haven't you ever done something just to relax and have fun? Something you know you kind of suck at, but you do it anyway 'cause it gives you this really great feeling?

(Beat)

HELEN: No.

AMANDA: Oh come now, Helen, surely --

HELEN: No. (Bt. sober) I can't remember a single time I've done something I'm bad at for the hell of it. I've never been allowed to mess up -- everyone's always expected me to be perfect. My father and mother... my teachers... my employers... my husband. E-everyone.

(Pause)

TRENT: (sympathetic) Sounds pretty rough.

JANE: Yeah. No one can be perfect all the time.

(Helen's shoulders sag, as though she's realizing this for the first time. Gets a depressed look on her face.)

TRENT: Hey, Mrs. Morgendorffer, I know how it is. I've been there, myself.

AMANDA: You, sweetie?

(Jane smothers a chuckle of disbelief. Helen looks at Trent with surprise.)

TRENT: Always feeling like I can't do for myself 'cause of what other people expect of me.

AMANDA: But your father and I have always let you children roam free...

TRENT: (shaking his head) Not you, Mom. I mean other people. People in general. Teachers, cops, girlfriends... man, the whole world.

HELEN: (sober) What do they tell you?

TRENT: (vaguely bitter) They say: "you're throwing your life away playing in a band. Better go out and do something practical, like get a job. Or else you'll always be stuck in Lawndale."

(Pause)

HELEN: That's... not very nice of them. (looks a little guilty as she says this, because it sounds like something she'd have told Trent.)

TRENT: (shrugging) The thing is, I kind of already know Mystik Spiral's not gonna go anywhere. We'll probably just be townies, if we don't break up this year.

(At this admission, Jane gets a solemn look on her face. She never realized Trent was that aware of his band's problems.)

TRENT: But when I think about doing something that might get me somewhere, I get a little sick inside. I love playing the guitar. Nothing else even comes close to giving me that high -- an' without it, not even the greatest job in the world could make me happy. No millions of dollars, nothing.

(He pauses to yawn. Meanwhile, Amanda watches him, pleased that her artsy philosophies have rubbed off so well. Jane is still solemn, and Helen appears to be listening intently.)

TRENT: Sticking with my guitar is worth some sacrifices. You know what I mean?

(Pause. Then Helen nods slowly, a reflective look on her face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane standing with Daria at the wall where she's been painting. This time, she's helping Daria conduct surveys -- the surveys which they've created, that is. As they're on the lookout for passing students: )

JANE: Hey Daria, I was thinking: maybe you oughta move on to Plan B.

DARIA: What d' you mean?

JANE: I mean I think your mom's gonna stay in sculpture class for the remainder.

DARIA: (dispirited) So no major catastrophes?

JANE: Uh... no. It was a pretty quiet evening.

DARIA: Great. (sighs.) 'Cause there is no Plan B.

JANE: (surprised) You haven't come up with a back-up plan?

(Before Daria can respond, a bunch of students walk up. They stare at Jane's painting.)

GUY: What is that?

JANE: (mildly amused) Whatever you think it is, sport.

GUY 2: Man, that stuff is really creepy.

DARIA: (deadpan) As are most flowers and rainbows.

GUY 2: I don't mean that stuff. I mean those weird shapes around them. They look like arrows.

GUY: Yeah, maybe bullets.

GIRL: (to Jane. timid) Is this your way of channeling aggression so you won't...?

(Beat)

JANE: (sardonic) Turn it on the student body?

(Pause. Then the girl nods, looking sorry she asked the question.) [*] see "Outvoted"

JANE: (b.s-ing) Well there's that, plus the fact that I'm cheaper than any professional painter. Li prevents a security risk and saves money for bullet-proof windows in her office.

GIRL: Oh! That makes sense.

DARIA: (sick of this subject) Glad to hear it. Now would you care to answer a few questions? (rattles her piece of paper for emphasis.)

(Beat)

GIRL & GUYS: Sure.

(Beat)

DARIA: (reading. deadpan) Number one: if you found out the teachers were all from another planet --

JANE: A thing we've suspected for quite some time.

DARIA: -- which planet would they come from?

(Pause)

GIRL & GUYS: Mars!/ Pluto!/ Endor!

DARIA: Grreat. (pauses to jot this down.) And now, question two --

JANE: (reading) Suppose these alien teachers were plotting a world takeover. Which weapon of mass destruction would they use against us? Nuclear explosives, stun rays, or the complete collection of John Tesh's greatest hits?

(Pause. The students go pale.)

GIRL & GUYS: The third one.

DARIA: Fabulous. (pauses to write it down.) Now the final question: do you think aliens from another planet who've had no exposure to our culture could possibly do a worse job teaching us than the ones whom we call human beings?

GIRL & GUYS: No.

DARIA: Su-perb. (writes this last bit down.) Okay, that concludes this week's survey. Thank you for your participation, and have a nice day.

(The students shrug, leave. Jane looks confused.)

JANE: That wasn't the third question. And there were a lot more.

DARIA: I know, I just felt like getting rid of them. (sighs. can't contain her irritation.) These new surveys aren't as much fun as I thought they'd be.

JANE: Well at least they're better than those old ones you had.

DARIA: Not really. They just fill space, same as the other ones. There's nothing thought-provoking, nothing that attempts to educate the student body. (Bt) So of course, my editor would just happen to think they're oomphy enough to be published.

JANE: That alone would drain the thrill from your act of rebellion.

DARIA: And seeing those idiots jump on you about that school violence crap again just pushed me over the edge.

JANE: (sighing) It can't be helped, Daria. My mural is art: people see in it what they think is there. That's the whole point.

DARIA: Yeah, well if I have to stand idly by while people act stupider every day, I might as well not even be on the school paper. (sighs.) I think I'm gonna quit.

JANE: And lose the bet?

DARIA: Yeah.

(Beat)

JANE: Hmm, so I guess that's your Plan B.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, Saturday afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen sitting at the kitchen table. She's wearing a smock again, and the table itself is covered with newspapers and a square wooden board. Upon that, Helen is busy working on another clay sculpture. She molds it with her hands, and sometimes will take a "tool," like an old fork, and run it across the surface to give it more texture. In its present state, the sculpture doesn't look like anything one could recognize. It is essentially formless, and Helen seems to realize this.)

(At one point she sits back and gazes at what she's made with a pensive expression. What the Lanes, especially Trent, said about doing something you love even if you have to make other sacrifices, or if you never excel at it, still weighs heavily on her mind. But their words make less sense now than they did earlier: her passion for art doesn't equal Trent's for playing the guitar, and certainly not Amanda's or Jane's passion for art. Hence, Helen still has a lot of reservations about what she's doing, and continues to hesitate in the midst of sculpting.)

(She's just resumed when Daria walks into the kitchen to get something to eat. Daria looks at the mess Helen's made on the table.)

DARIA: Decided to slack off work today?

(Helen flinches a little -- she was so busy concentrating, she didn't even realize Daria was there.)

HELEN: Oh goodness... what time is it?

DARIA: Almost three.

HELEN: Three o' clock?? I didn't realize... (grimaces with frustration, beats her hand against her forehead, leaving traces of reddish-brown clay.) Dammit, I was just going to do this for an hour, then go to my office to catch up on work. That was three hours ago!

DARIA: You could probably still make it.

HELEN: Hmm, maybe I... (groans) oh what's the use? (gets a dispirited look on her face.) I'll just go in tomorrow. But I can only imagine what Eric is thinking right now...

DARIA: (for Helen's sake, trying to change the subject) What're you making?

(Pause. Helen looks at the sculpture probingly. She opens and closes her mouth several times in an attempt to explain, then finally exhales softly. Shakes her head.)

HELEN: I don't... really know, to be honest. I just got this urge, and... I set everything up... and before I knew it, I was just molding something. (Bt) You should try it sometime, Daria: it's very peaceful.

DARIA: Um, sure. (Bt) Have any thoughts of what it's going to be?

(Pause)

HELEN: (wilting a tad) No.

(Suddenly she reaches for the fork and stabs it into the clay. Daria flinches.)

DARIA: It's not that bad.

HELEN: Oh no, I... I just thought some holes might add to the texture...

(Again she looks long and hard at her creation, considers the Lanes' advice, wonders if what she's made could even remotely be called "good." She sighs, gets a "What am I turning into?" expression on her face. Daria shrugs and heads toward the fruit basket to get an apple. As she's coming back toward the table, Helen turns to look at her with an imploring expression.)

HELEN: Daria? If it's all right with you... could I ask you to be honest about something?

DARIA: (surprised by her mom's hesitation) Sure.

(Beat)

HELEN: Do you... enjoy being on the school paper at all?

(Beat. Daria shrugs.)

DARIA: I'll admit I've had better times.

HELEN: Well I don't want you to do it because you feel it'd please me. (Bt. shakes her head.) I know, I know, we have our little bet going -- but I'd just as soon drop it if it meant you'd be happier.

(Daria looks at her, even more surprised.)

HELEN: I mean I wanted you to try something different, but if you just don't feel like it's you, if you feel as though you're not getting what you want out of it, then by all means... quit.

(As she says this, her eyes trail toward her sculpture and linger on it for a few seconds. Daria notices, and picks up a double-meaning in her mom's words. She cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Don't know if I should quit now. I mean things may have started out slow, but I feel like I've just hit my stride -- if you know what I mean.

(Pause. Helen absorbs the double-meaning in Daria's words, and nods with a faint smirk and some resignation.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, Monday)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria walking down the hall.)

JANE: So, ready to tell your editor where he can shove his oily charm?

DARIA: Um, actually... I have other plans.

JANE: (surprised) Other plans?

DARIA: Yep.

JANE: So what caused the turn-around?

(Beat)

DARIA: You know that social conscience I don't have?

JANE: Uh-huh?

DARIA: It got to me.

JANE: (smirking) No kidding.

DARIA: Well, among other things. This weekend I realized that by focusing so much on beating Mom, I wasn't fulfilling my potential with this damn paper.

JANE: (admitting) Yeah, your evil powers haven't exactly been on full throttle, lately.

DARIA: (nodding) And I'd never forgive myself if I just quit without showing those jerks on staff what a real article looks like.

JANE: (wicked smirk) Ooh, sounds exciting. So what's your topic gonna be?

DARIA: I'm not sure -- I'm still working it out. But I do know it'll require some more surveys...

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Lane residence, evening, later in the week)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Helen at work on her sculpture. We see that it has grown larger, multi-layered, and more textured, but is still unidentifiable. From off screen, we hear the sounds of Trent playing "Hey Jude" on his guitar. Just then Amanda breezes up to Helen's table, examines her work.)

AMANDA: Now there is a piece that has spirit infused into it!

HELEN: (glow of pleasure filling her cheeks) Oh? Thank you.

AMANDA: Don't thank me -- it was all your doing. (pats Helen's shoulder, then glances at the materials she's used.) Oh, and you have plaster as part of your base. (raises a brow.) So your little accident didn't frighten you away.

HELEN: No, no... (sighs and smirks with some sheepishness.) I decided it was worth another try.

AMANDA: The rigidity of the plaster juxtaposed with the pliancy of the clay -- how... metaphoric.

HELEN: Um... right.

AMANDA: It'll be a real treat to view it when it's on display.

(Pause)

HELEN: (eyes widening with alarm) D-display??

(Amanda doesn't respond -- she's already moved to the center of the room to face the class.)

AMANDA: Everyone? I thought that for our farewell class in two weeks, we could have our work out on display upstairs -- for us to look at and share ideas, and for perhaps a few friends to see. How does that sound?

CLASS: Sure/ Good/ Definitely.

HELEN: (still overcome by alarm) Bu-but isn't that like some sort of judging?? I didn't think -- y-you told me this wasn't that kind of class. (shrinks behind her sculpture.) I don't want people to see this.

(Several barely-concealed groans can be heard throughout the room. Greg, however, smiles with understanding, as does Amanda.)

GREG: Relax, Helen. It's more like an exhibit. No one gets a prize for best sculpture.

HELEN: But still... people will judge it in their minds. "Not big enough... too crude... too ugly." I know I think that whenever I go to an art exhibit.

AMANDA: (patient) Well then at least you'll be there to set them straight -- explain your purpose for making your piece. (Bt) Helen, no single criticism can take away its value, just like no one person can define what it represents. Art is an ever-fluctuating thing.

(Helen nods, comprehending somewhat, but still feeling rather confused and worried.)

GREG: And how can you pass up the chance to show your loved ones that there's more to you than meets the eye, huh? (winks at her.)

(Helen stops nodding, and her face takes on a resigned expression.)

HELEN: (quiet) That's if they care to look in the first place...

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening, later that week)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting on the couch, looking over several filled-out surveys with a wicked smirk on her face.)

JAKE: (off screen) Daria?

(Daria pauses and looks up at him as he approaches sheepishly and sits down.)

JAKE: Um, you know that art thing your mother was talking about? She didn't want us to go, did she?

DARIA: Her mumbled delivery and offhand approach did suggest she had reservations.

JAKE: Great! I read it right, then!

DARIA: Bu-ut, if she were completely opposed to the idea, I doubt she'd have mentioned it at all.

JAKE: (worried) You're right. That was one of those reverse psychology deals, wasn't it?

DARIA: You got it, Sherlock.

JAKE: Damn, I always miss those.

DARIA: Tomorrow is another day.

JAKE: Yeah. (Pause) Daria?

DARIA: Yes? (trying to be patient, but she really wants to get back to the surveys.)

JAKE: Y' know it's funny... (chuckles uneasily) Whenever your mother brings up art, she gives me this look that's kind of, um...

DARIA: Pissed off?

JAKE: (blushes) Um... yeah. I'm not telling her what she wants to hear, am I?

DARIA: Somehow I suspect not.

JAKE: I guess it's 'cause... this art stuff just came out of the blue. I didn't realize how much it meant to her. (Bt) So what should I say??

DARIA: How should I know?

JAKE: Aw c'mon: I see you and your mother talk. At least it looks like you do...

(Daria sighs at his misconception, then gets a thoughtful look on her face.)

JAKE: You gotta have some idea.

(Beat)

DARIA: Well... to me, the common sense solution would be to take an interest in what she's made.

JAKE: Show more enthusiasm -- of course! (Bt) Like say her sculpture looks good?

DARIA: That'd be a start.

JAKE: Great. (practice mumbling.) "Damn fine sculpture, sweetheart. It looks wonderful." Thanks for the advice, kiddo!

(He reaches over and musses Daria's hair, surprising her so much that she drops her surveys.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Lawndale High, the next week)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing next to the wall with the mural. Several students are with them, filling out surveys, including Brittany, Kevin, Mack, Jodie, and Upchuck. Brittany and Kevin look really worried as they fill theirs out, Brittany almost to the point of tears. When Upchuck's finished, he grabs his head and moans loudly. Daria and Jane exchange satisfied smirks.)

MACK: (handing his completed survey to them) Pretty damn cool, you guys. It's about time someone had a survey like this.

JODIE: (also finished. to Daria) There now, you see? Sometimes school activities can bring out the best in you.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: (sardonic) Thanks for rubbing it in. You do realize you've just drained all my enthusiasm for this scheme?

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Lane residence, evening of the art exhibit)

(Shot of the outside. We see several cars parked along the curb, and lights glowing in the downstairs windows. Just then, the Morgendorffers' Lexus approaches. Cut to the inside. Everyone appears calm, except Helen, who's fidgeting nonstop. Jake is in his practiced-enthusiasm mode, Quinn is trying not to look too bored, and Daria is her usual impassive self. Resume outside shot. The Lexus parks.)

(Cut to shot of the living room of the Lanes' house. We see several people standing around in clusters, chattering and examining the sculptures, which are out of our view. Most are members of the class; others appear to be friends or family members. The living room itself looks transformed from what we knew it to be in "Lane Miserables." All of the furniture has been moved to make way for the sculptures, and the lighting of the room has a soft yellow glow, making the room seem bright, but not too bright. Off to the side, we see several lit candles, and beside them, Jane, Tom, Trent, and Jesse.)

(Jane is dressed in her usual artist's attire, but Tom is casually dressed-up in a sweater and tweed blazer. Trent and Jesse, for once, have changed their outfits for the occasion: both are wearing black [and I might as well tell the 'shippers: black looks really good on Trent]. They've just finished playing a mellow version of an alternative rock song on their guitars, and are now observing the evening's activity.)

TRENT: I'm really gonna be sorry when this class is over. Best paying gigs I've ever gotten.

JESSE: Yeah -- you've been holding out on us, man.

TRENT: Sorry, bro.

TOM: (to Jane) Impressive, I gotta say.

JANE: Yeah. You know I have to commend my mom for the way she's been behaving these past several weeks. Supportive, mature, almost... cool. It took her a lot of work to put this together. (Pause) Hey, um, Trent? Where is Mom?

TRENT: Hmmm... (Pause) Oh yeah. (raises his hand, reads from the palm.) Said the spirits of the desert were calling to her, so she took the first bus out to Arizona this morning.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) Figures.

(Just then, Daria walks up to them.)

JANE: Hey, Daria.

TRENT/ JESSE/ TOM: Hey.

DARIA: (deadpan) Hey to you. (pauses, looks around the room with wonder.) So this is what my mom and company have been working on, huh?

(Cut to her P.O.V. The sculptures are large, and most are perched upon raised black platforms that line the sides of the room. Their numerous colors, shapes, and materials attest to the different personalities of the class members. Resume shot of Daria and the rest.)

TOM: (to Daria) You feel like taking a swing around the room for closer inspection?

DARIA: Guess it can't hurt.

(She, Tom, and Jane leave.)

(Cut to shot of Helen on the other side of the room, walking past the various sculptures, trying to show interest in them. Although she's able to put aside her fears enough to appreciate the efforts of other students, she can't help eyeing her own sculpture off screen. She leans over in that direction, trying to hear what people are saying about it. Meanwhile, Jake has been following close behind. He now pauses as Max, one of the other Mystik Spiralites, comes up to him with a tray of wine glasses. [Yes, the entire M.S. gang is here helping out.])

JAKE: (taking a glass) Boy, they really thought of everything tonight. (big sip of wine.) So which one's your sculpture, Helen?

(Cut to shot of Daria, Tom, and Jane approaching the sculpture Greg's been working on. It's made mostly of plaster, and covered with a lot of natural materials: grass, pine needles, mud, moss. The natural ingredients appear to be spilling over several bright pink and yellow squares.)

JANE: (reading the label) It's called "If Nature Took Over."

DARIA: (deadpan) More like if the Swamp Creature took over. What the hell is this supposed to be?

TOM: Hmm, I think those square-thingys are houses. And they're getting buried.

JANE: (sardonic) I guess nature woke up one day and said "To hell with you, o materialistic consumer-driven society! I'm rising up and taking back what's mine!"

DARIA: Hmm, a Marxist mudslide. (smirks, decides she likes the sculpture better.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn standing at "Satan's Death Stare," looking at it with a bleak expression. We see that a fully formed person has been carved into the log, in such a way that the person seems trapped in the wood, unable to escape. Daria, Jane, and Tom approach.)

QUINN: This is, like, so depressing.

DARIA: Really? Kind of reminds me of my life. (smirks again.)

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake. They are now closer to Helen's sculpture, but Jake has stumbled upon a mechanical sculpture, and is now completely absorbed in pulling switches, twisting knobs, and watching things light up. Helen is looking at a rock sculpture which has stairs carved into it, leading nowhere. Just then Greg approaches.)

GREG: (warmly) Helen. Your work's creating a quite a buzz.

HELEN: I-it is? (pauses, takes a deep breath to ease her anxiety.) Um, Greg, you haven't met my husband, have you? (Bt) Jake?

(She waits several seconds for a reply, but Jake is so consumed by the mechanical structure that he hasn't heard.)

(Cut to shot of Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Tom walking up to a nude model, posing in a pretzel shape.)

JANE: Eduardo decided that the human body is the most beautiful of sculptures.

DARIA/QUINN/TOM: (frowning) Hmmmmmm...

(Cut to shot of Helen creeping up to where her sculpture's being displayed, with Greg following behind. The angle is such that we can see the people viewing the sculpture, but not the sculpture itself. Helen stops and strains to listen to people's comments.)

MAN: Fascinating design. Look at the curves...

WOMAN: It looks like it could leap out at you.

MAN 2: Unusual choice of color... but it adds to the piece. This thing's got emotions, no doubt about it.

(Helen's face brightens slowly, as she realizes no one is saying anything bad about her work. Nothing too praiseworthy, either; rather, each person seems to be making observations, viewing the piece in his or her own way.)

GREG: You seem to have made something that captures people's interest. Maybe you're not the poor sculptor you thought you were.

(He squeezes Helen's shoulder and leaves. Helen nods after him, then pauses to mull over what he's said. Just then, we see Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Tom approach. Their eyes widen upon viewing Helen's sculpture, except for Jane's -- she already knew what it looked like. Cut to their P.O.V. The sculpture rises above them like a giant wave. Only it's more than a wave -- it looks as though it has heads and limbs pushing out of it; winding trails with sharp curves line the sides; some parts are elaborately textured, others smooth as a piece of cloth. The colors are the kind that would normally clash on the color wheel: blue with orange, purple with green -- yet for some reason, they don't take anything away from the piece. Resume shot of Daria, Quinn, Helen, Jane, and Tom.)

QUINN: Whoa... it looks like some kind of monster. (awkward pause. defensive) But not, like, a bad one, or anything.

HELEN: It's okay, sweetie.

TOM: (to Helen) How long did it take you?

HELEN: Oh... (pauses to think.) Two-and-a-half weeks. A little each day... I worked on it in the early hours before getting ready for work. (Bt. sheepish) Then last Saturday, I got carried away -- six hours.

TOM: Wow. You can really see all the effort that went into it.

HELEN: (smirking a little) Thank you. (Pause. sees Jane and Quinn nod in agreement, but that Daria is gazing intently at the sculpture.) Daria? Um, what do you think?

(Pause)

DARIA: Hmm... (thoughtful frown.) I think it's too difficult to describe in a sentence or two. I'd rather hear what you were thinking as you spent all those hours making it.

(Beat. Helen looks surprised, then pleased by her response.)

HELEN: Well... (rolls her eyes humorously.) I don't know, really. I'd be down in our basement by myself... it'd be quiet and dark, although sometimes I'd play music... and my mind would just wander. (Bt) Then as I was working, I'd think something like, "This could really use a head" -- and I'd make one. That's why it's so, um... all over the place. (Bt. sheepish) It's too incoherent, isn't it? I couldn't even give it a name.

DARIA: That's okay -- I don't think it needs one. (Bt) And contrary to your belief, I think its meaning is pretty clear.

HELEN: You do?

DARIA: Yeah.

(Daria smirks at her. The smirk proves to be contagious, and Helen catches it. After several more seconds of looking, Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Tom move off screen to the next display, just as Jake is arriving.)

JAKE: (eyes widening) So that's your sculpture, Helen? Boy, does it ever look great!

HELEN: (blushing a tad) Why thank you, Jakey.

JAKE: Fantastic! The best sculpture in the room!

HELEN: Oh... well I wouldn't go that far -- everyone else's is nice, too. (Bt) So what catches your eye in particular?

(long pause)

JAKE: Well it's just... great. (Bt) And, um, big. Really, really big. (Pause. realizes he doesn't sound convincing. tries in vain to come up with ways to describe the piece.) And it's got colors and... things coming out of it. (waves a hand weakly.)

(As he speaks, Helen's enthusiasm fades a little.)

HELEN: So, um, that's what you think is so "fantastic" about it?

JAKE: (nodding rapidly) Oh yeah.

(Beat)

HELEN: (irritation creeping in) And that wasn't just some knee-jerk response designed to make me happy, when in fact you've scarcely given thought to what this sculpture could be about or what it meant to me to make it??

(Pause. Jake blushes, revealing his guilt.)

JAKE: Of course... not.

(Helen watches him for a few more seconds, then closes her eyes.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (Lawndale High, later that week)

(Shot of the outside.)

EDITOR: (off screen voice-over) Daria, we've gotta talk.

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at a table in the newspaper room with the editor and some of his cronies, including the backward-baseball cap wearing Larry. As Larry and the others try to see who can burp the loudest, the editor looks at Daria's latest article with a poorly-concealed sneer.)

EDITOR: (straining to sound nice) Now look, after your first piece of writing, I thought we'd agreed upon what comprised acceptable oomphiness.

DARIA: (deadpan) I think you had.

EDITOR: And this, this is not oomphy. For starters, it's like a freaking novel. Students aren't gonna want to spend so much time reading. They want stuff that's short, stuff that's punchy.

LARRY: (extracting himself from the burping contest) Yeah. No one wants to read stuff that'll, like, hurt our heads and give us brain drain, or whatever.

DARIA: I doubt brain drain's something you'd have to fear.

LARRY: Hey, um... that was a put-down, wasn't it?? She's making fun of me again, Joe!

EDITOR: Don't mock another member of the Lowdown family, Daria. (Pause) And as for your topic... hate to say it, but it's a real downer.

DARIA: A topic of mine?

EDITOR: (reading) "Problem Teens: a Compre-something Look at What's Gone Wrong in Our Schools and What Could be Done Differently"??? (shakes his head with obvious disdain.)

DARIA: Would you have preferred my original title: "Do or Die at Lawndale High"?

EDITOR: I thought you were happy doing surveys. Those cute, weird ones.

LARRY: Yeah, I liked that space alien stuff.

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Look, this article wasn't written to be "downbeat": it's an intensive study backed by secondary research of the main problems with our school. I got a lot of my "downer" information from the students themselves -- through massive survey-taking.

EDITOR: Are you saying you abused your survey privileges?

DARIA: When you put it that way... yes. (Bt) And I'll confess that when I started out, I sort of treated this as a joke. But the responses were... well, eye-opening. Some people even finished their surveys in tears.

EDITOR: Well of course they did.

LARRY: Yeah, no one wants to be reminded of how depressed they are at school. That's, like, not what the paper's about.

DARIA: Then what is it about?

EDITOR: For escape, of course! To give people a good laugh. I can't believe you've been on the paper this long and not realized that.

DARIA: (rolling her eyes again) Actually, that message came through loud and clear -- but I chose to ignore it in favor what you originally said the paper was for: to allow all points of view to be shown.

LARRY: Ha-ha-ha, that's a good one!

DARIA: Yeah, I'll say. This is the one time I let my idealism override my irony -- maybe the only time. (Bt) I don't expect everyone to read my damn article, but I do believe it's got as much right to be in the paper as anyone else's. It doesn't name names, it's not overly biased, and hell -- it's even got an optimistic ending. That's a personal record, if I do say so myself.

(She's met by silence. The editor and his cronies actually appear to be listening.)

DARIA: So if you can be big enough to accept my work, I think we'll all be pleasantly surprised by the feedback...

(cut to: )

SCENE 10: (Morgendorffer house, early evening, a few days later)

(Shot of Jane and Daria walking up the front walkway.)

JANE: So you think that got you kicked off the staff?

DARIA: Probably. Although they hid behind a technicality -- my margins were too wide.

JANE: Horror of horrors. (Bt) Well, at least you tried.

DARIA: Worst of all, I heard Larry took my article, put his name on it, and sold it over the Internet to the one of those education experts for two grand.

JANE: Damn.

DARIA: It's enough to drive a cynical stake through the sunniest of hearts. (Pause) Except ...

JANE: Yes?

DARIA: My heart's already too damn cynical to be affected. (Bt. smirks) So I may just have to try this again some day.

JANE: You serious? Hmm, so this bet experience really did have an impact on you. (Bt) How's your mom been?

(She and Daria reach the front door of the house and walk inside.)

DARIA: Since class finished up, she's been back at the grindstone with a vengeance. I haven't heard a single word that's art related.

(They head toward the kitchen.)

JANE: And my mom's still in Arizona, trying to channel the old spirits of the desert through her new kiln. (shrugs) So I guess things're back to normal.

(Just as she says this, she and Daria stop abruptly and pause to look at a mess on the kitchen table. It appears as though Helen's modeling clay again: the table top is blanketed with newspapers, a clay heap stands atop a wooden board, and several forks are lying about. Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Or maybe not.

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

This fanfic is an example of what you can achieve when you draw upon interesting life experiences. Both the Helen and Daria plot lines derive from my involvement with a sculpture class (last year) and the high school newspaper. I can attest that there's a huge amount of truth behind what takes in both of them. The idiots whom Daria has to deal with on the paper were modeled after guys I had to work with -- though luckily I didn't get thrown off the staff, and I became editor the year after they left. Their obsession with feel-good articles ("Seniors Havin' Fun in the Sun" was an actual headline in our paper!) and the students' total ignorance of major social issues were nearly mirror images of my experiences.

Helen's plot line was a little more fictionalized. In my sculpture class, we would work on one type of project as a group -- three weeks on plaster, three weeks on wood, etc. -- after having received detailed instructions from our prof. Then we would take a session to critique each other's work. And no one got hit with a bucket of plaster! However, the atmosphere of Amanda Lane's art class was very true to that of my real one: the amazing variety of projects, the philosophy that there's no such thing as the "best" sculpture, and the tendency of people to get really messy without even trying. :-) You just try to wash plaster out of your clothes...

I will confess that although Helen and Daria both have a starring role in "Breaking the Mold," this is really Helen's fic. I've been wanting to do one that explores her character since way back when I wrote "The Tie That Chokes." For some twisted reason, I love the gal. Paperpusher and I could form a two-person Helen fan club (I recall reading in a post that she was one of his favorite characters). To me, her vulnerability extends beyond her aggressive, take-charge, can-do fa 


	12. Surreal World

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the twelfth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," and "Breaking the Mold." 

I'd give this a 2S...

Before I tell you to "Enjoy!", an introduction is needed. Most of you who've been forced to slog through inferior MTV programs on your way to "Daria" will be familiar with "The Real World." But just in case you've lucked out and never caught an episode, let me give you some background.

"The Real World" claims to be a reality-based television show. Its opening line states: "This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite." That's it in a nutshell. I won't give away any more details because I want you to recognize the more ridiculous aspects of the show (and there are so, so many) in my fanfic, except that there have been eight "Real Worlds" to date. New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, Miami, Boston, Seattle, and Hawaii. There is also a "Real World" spinoff called "Road Rules," now in its sixth season I believe, in which five or six people travel through exotic locales.

As for this fanfic, it is possibly the first one I've written that could be called -- GASP -- "situation-based." I wouldn't call it a parody, per se, because it doesn't take the Daria characters and transform them into "Real World" characters, but it does have some elements of parody. Overall, I'd say that its tone closest resembles the one in "Scream." It's part-parody, part examination of how people are affected by the media, all slamming of the "Real World" phenomenon.

Those of you who despise "The Real World" should enjoy it. Those who aren't too familiar with the show will probably be entertained anyway, although to understand some of my references, you may want to first travel down to "Points of Interest" in my postscript, where I explain them.

That said........ Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: That annoying one where the numbers materialize in the water, and it takes forever for the 10 to appear...

(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)

(Shaky cam. pan-over shot of Lawndale. It's morning, and the rising sun bathes every rooftop with golden light. We lurch over houses, streets, the park, the town, the school, until we finally circle around a noticeably large house that takes up half the side of the street. It's surrounded by tennis courts, a mini-zoo, a helicopter landing pad, a stable for the ponies, a Olympic-sized swimming pool, and a giant fountain.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) If you haven't already turned away because of motion-induced nausea, do not be fooled by what you see.

(The pan-over camera jerks to a stop, as does the music. Jerk to close-up, frontal shot of Our Heroine, staring out at us through the screen, wearing her patented deadpan expression. Behind her, we see that the walls appear to be a swirl of neon green and pink.)

DARIA: You have now entered Hell. You will be sharing this hell with two other unfortunate people and five morons. But before you start your journey, let me tell you the true story of how this all began...

[intro theme music...................]

SURREAL WORLD byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, middle of the night)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a hollow-eyed Quinn, staring straight ahead in a zombie-like fashion, as glowing light flickers across her face. Cut to wide shot. We see that she's camped out on the living room sofa, curled up in a sleeping bag and wearing pajamas, a half-consumed bowl of no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat-free popcorn beside her. Off screen, from the T.V., we hear several loud, whiny young voices.)

(Just then, in the background we see Daria walking downstairs, also in P.J.'s. She pauses for a moment, takes in what Quinn's watching, then continues to walk down and over to the couch.)

DARIA: Ah, Masterpiece Theatre. (Bt. faux thoughtful.) No... that one requires you to think and watch at the same time.

QUINN: (edgy) Quiet, Daria!!!

DARIA: So you've been sucked into watching another "Real World" marathon, have you?

(Pause. Quinn continues to watch like a zombie.)

DARIA: And how is this different from the one they showed last weekend? Or the weekend before?

(Beat)

QUINN: (scornful) Last weekend was the "Road Rules" marathon. Duh! How could you not tell them apart?!

DARIA: (smirking) I guess it's just that all whining, self-absorbed people look alike to me, with or without the R.V. (Bt.) Have you ever thought of trying out?

QUINN: Would you be quiet?! This is a very important scene. Puck's about to get thrown out of the house.

DARIA: Again?

(She comes over to the other side of the sofa and sits down beside Quinn as we hear off screen: )

GUY: (angry) You're disrespecting ME, you're disrespecting the people in this HOUSE --

GUY 2: Whoa, dude, like chill out. If you can't handle the Puck-man, then you're, like, toast. 'Cause the Puck-man's only on nine -- you ain't seen me on ten --

GUY: Get OUT!!!

(Sounds of collective shouting. Daria sighs, rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Doesn't someone get thrown out of the house every season?

QUINN: Only in the first eight seasons. Not the last eight.

DARIA: How can you watch this crap? It's the same boring stuff every season. Someone gets kicked out. Someone has an incurable disease and/or a substance abuse problem. Someone comes to terms with being gay. And two cast members get together for some ill-advised "snuggling."

QUINN: (surprised) Wow. How d' you know so much?

DARIA: Uh... (reddens a little) by default. This show is always on. Always... always.

QUINN: Well then you understand that these guys have major problems. Much worse than you or I could have. It's like watching an episode of "Jerry Springer," but with more attractive people.

DARIA: How very reassuring.

QUINN: (annoyed) And at least their problems are interesting. Sheesh -- I couldn't even watch your life for a half-hour before tuning out.

(Daria cocks an eyelid -- "Touche.")

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and company sitting in class. Suddenly, from off screen: )

MS. LI: (over the P.A.) Attention all students. I'm pleased to announce that a veeeeery exciting opportunity has befallen the school. Something that will have us rolling in fame and glory and lots and lots and lots of much-needed spending money! Ooh-hoo, I'm so excited! Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo...!

(Daria and Jane remain impassive.)

MS. LI: Uh, erm... that said, would the following students pleeeease report to my office immediately. Jodie Landon, Jamie White, Kevin Thompson, Daria Morgendorffer --

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

MS. LI: -- Charles Ruttheimer, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and Saaaaaandra Griffin.

(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting in class with Stacy and Tiffany. Quinn looks nervous as Tiffany starts to stand up.)

QUINN: You and S-Sandi? What could she want with both of you??

(Cut to shot of Daria in class. She gives Jane one last wary glance before shrugging her shoulders and standing up to leave.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Li's office, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. We see Daria walking slowly toward the door. Cut to inside shot: all of the other students have already arrived. Sandi and Tiffany are busy discussing which is the best split-end resistant shampoo. Upchuck is combing his hair and growling softly with lust. Kevin is spiking his football into the floor over and over again. Jamie sits there hunched over, looking rather vulnerable without the other two Js flanking him. Jodie is looking probingly at a man sitting with Ms. Li at her desk. Finally Daria walks in.)

JODIE: (turning, seeing her) Daria. Over here.

(She scoots to one side of her chair to make room. Daria sits down.)

DARIA: What's this about?

MS. LI: Oooh, I'm glad you asked, Ms. Morgendorffer! I have here an important guest who will explaaaaaain to you all the glorious opportunity that awaits you.

SANDI: (tossing her hair) Great, but could you, like, make it fast? This is cutting into my mirror time.

KEVIN: Yeah -- an' Brit gets jealous if I'm away from her for more 'n two minutes.

DARIA: (deadpan) Funny: I would think she'd be cheering with relief.

(Kevin scratches his head, looks confused.)

MAN: (dripping with enthusiasm) Oh-ho, that's a good one! Such biting wit -- that's why I chose you. I chose all of you.

(All of the students turn to stare at the man, who is thirty-something, wearing a suit with a pink shirt underneath and a string tie. He's got several clunky gold rings on his fingers, and he smiles snakily.)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) For what, exactly?

MS. LI: For a chance to bond with each other as you've never bonded before!

SANDI: (cringing, eyeing Upchuck) Bonding??

TIFFANY: Ewwwww...

UPCHUCK: (rubbing his hands together) Grrrrrrrrr... sounds promising Ms. Li.

MS. LI: Yeeeees. I got the inspiration this past weekend during a certain delightfully addictive marathon.

MAN: And then she called me! Hi, I'm Skip Wilkinson -- producer of such memorable television fare as "Child Beauty Queens: American Sweethearts," and "When Postal Workers Attack." (holds out his hand. no one shakes it.) Erm... anyway, Ms. Li and I came up with a proposal -- how'd you kids like to live together for three fun-filled weeks? Sharing bedrooms, bathrooms, the kitchen --

DARIA/SANDI/TIFFANY: No!

SKIP: Wait-wait-wait... there's more!

(Daria suddenly gets a look of realization.)

DARIA: This marathon you saw... would that happen to be "The Real World" marathon?

MS. LI: (nervous) Wh-What makes you say that??

DARIA: Just a hunch.

SANDI: (perking up) We're gonna be on "The Real World"???

TIFFANY: Ooooooooh!

KEVIN: (jumping up) Aw right!! Girls love the bad boys on that show. Like Puck an' that Neil guy -- (spikes his football -- it flies up and hits him in the face.) Ooph!

SANDI: (to Tiffany) Like, people on "The Real World" become famous an' stuff. We could, like, end up as models.

DARIA: (sardonic) Yeah -- role models for our sick, sad generation.

(Sandi turns her eyes toward Daria and frowns darkly. Daria doesn't notice.)

MS. LI: (irritated) Would you all stop! This is not "The Real World." It's compleeeeeetely different.

SKIP: Right. "The Real World" is a bunch of twenty-something year-old actors posing as regular people, living lives that are impossibly luxurious, but still finding time to whine about it!

MS. LI: Whereas you'll be just an ordinary bunch of normal teenagers living together and learning about each other's lives.

DARIA: With a few cameras lying around.

SKIP: Eh-heh-heh-ho! (waves at Daria to "shut up.") What better way to chart your progress than to have it on film??

MS. LI: And of course we'll be showing the completed work to a feeeew people.

(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)

KEVIN: (to Skip) So, like, why d' you pick us, bro? Was it 'cause of our (flexes his muscles, flashes a toothy grin.) reputations?

UPCHUCK: Our unbelievable way with the opposite sex? Grrrrrrr...

SKIP: No, no! You're just a random group of students chosen randomly! There's no sort of "master plan" involved. (does the finger-wiggle.) But how fortunate we were to select such a wonderful range of students. (stands up, strolls over to Kevin.) We have our popular jock and all-around-good-guy in Kevin. (pats him firmly on the back.)

KEVIN: Ow!

SKIP: (walking over to Sandi) Our cool, suave, popular girl who wraps the men around her finger...

(Sandi smirks, obviously finding no fault with his description.)

SKIP: The minorities! (gestures at Tiffany and Jodie.) Tiffany: the Chinese girl adopted by Jewish American parents, torn between two worlds, in search of her identity.

TIFFANY: (blasŽ) Uh-huh.

SKIP: And Jodie: the tough but smart African American ready to take on a white man's world!

(Jodie smiles thinly. Skip then walks over to Upchuck, who's tapping his fingers together in anticipation.)

SKIP: Every group needs an oddball!

(Upchuck frowns. Skip turns to Daria.)

SKIP: And a brain with a take-no-prisoners attitude!

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Skip walks over to Jamie, who's been quiet this whole time.)

SKIP: And you... we-ell... (long pause) we sensed latent homosexual tendencies in you.

JAMIE: Huh??

SKIP: Well that about sums it up. (goes back to the desk, sits down. opens a briefcase.) Now if you'd all be kind enough to sign some contracts.

DARIA: And if we exercise our freedom of will by not signing?

MS. LI: (faux pleasant) Then you can spend those three weeks in your own home. Expelled.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Pizza King, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane sitting in one of the booths with a pie between them. Daria's not eating - she's slumped over and looking tired.)

DARIA: This is all just a dream. A hideous, sick dream.

JANE: (sardonic) Say that enough times, and maybe you'll wake up back in Kansas.

DARIA: (frowning at her) This has to be a dream - 'cause for some reason, this whole set-up seems painfully familiar.

JANE: Aw, "The Real World" does that to you. Predictable plot lines, saccharine emotions... every season is like an assault on the brain. (Bt. embarrassed) Not that I would know, of course, as I never, ever watch the show.

DARIA: (sarcastic) I'm convinced.

JANE: Anyway, it should be fun! Just imagine: you'll get to share close quarters with people you hate and learn all their twisted secrets that you can use against them on a future occasion.

DARIA: Your optimism is having no effect.

JANE: You'll have cameras following you everywhere, recording your every move, bringing to light the true Daria Morgendorffer in all her sarcastic glory.

DARIA: You wouldn't be so enthusiastic if it were you stuck doing this. It's all just to buy the school more security measures. And frankly, I never thought our honorable principal could stoop so low.

JANE: (sympathetic) Yeah -- selling the footage to a local cable access channel. I'll admit that's pretty out there.

DARIA: You don't suppose people will watch it, do you?

JANE: (shrugging) Hey, the Guptys' marriage therapy show became a success, didn't it? Besides, there's so much bland vanilla crap on the air these days, this dabble in voyeurism should be gobbled up like jalape–o chilies.

DARIA: (sarcastic) How encouraging. (suddenly sees Jodie coming toward them. Jane waves at her to sit down.) And you -- to think you knew about this all along.

JODIE: (sitting down) Yeah? So what?

DARIA: So you're participating anyway.

JODIE: (philosophical) Hey, look: I figure this is one of those rare opportunities to give black people a face on T.V. beyond the U.P.N. network.

DARIA: Point taken.

JODIE: And it would give us teens from different peer groups the chance to show we really can get along.

(Beat)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Get along, you say? (Bt.) I wasn't certain, but now I know for sure -- Ms. Li's planted a mind-control device in your head.

(Jodie rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy sitting at another booth, a cheeseless pizza between them that only Stacy is eating. Quinn looks as despondent as Daria.)

QUINN: It's bad enough my weird cousin's gonna be on the show, but I can't believe they chose Sandi for the vixen role over me.

TIFFANY: (yes-man) That is soooo wrong.

QUINN: I'm a "Real World" expert too, you know.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Beat)

QUINN: (suddenly nervous) Um, Tiffany? Um... I hope when you're living with Sandi and all those other people, you don't forget who your real friends are.

STACY: Yeah -- we can come visit you, can't we?

TIFFANY: Sure.

QUINN: And um... be sure to remember who put you where you are today.

TIFFANY: Sandi?

(Beat)

QUINN: (irritation creeping in) No. (Bt.) I mean the one who's kept you there. The one who put her reputation on the line so you could have some responsibility -- only to completely wreck everything so she became the laughing stock of the town.

TIFFANY: Oh yeah. [*] see "Of Absolute Value"

(Quinn looks at her beseechingly a few seconds longer, but Tiffany doesn't seem to get it. Finally Quinn presses a hand to her forehead, groans, and shakes her head. Stacy watches her with concern.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (the following week -- start of the experiment)

(Cue music: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)

(Herky-jerky overhead shot of the neighborhood. Zero in and circle around the big house we saw in the prologue. Cut to inside shot. The students are standing, luggage in hand, with Skip and Ms. Li. The downstairs area where they have gathered looks like that of a palace. It's huge, and brightly colored in swirly pastels and neon shades. From floor to ceiling there are bay windows, although there's no bay to look out onto, as well as several exotic plants and birds.)

SKIP: So what do you think of Casa de Lawndale??

SANDI: Oh, I think I could feel at home, here.

UPCHUCK: It'd make the perfect love nest for the Chuckmeister. Grrrrrrr...

JODIE: How did you get this place?

SKIP: Oh, the owners were thrilled to lend it out for educational purposes.

DARIA: And for a hefty sum and loads of publicity.

MS. LI: Ms. Morgendorffer! (Bt.) May I remind you that Big Brother is watching. (points up to a camera on the ceiling, which seems to be recording them.)

(Daria flinches, as does Jodie. The other students eye the camera with interest.)

SKIP: Now let me direct you all to the Pepsi room, where you'll find a few little amenities...

(Cut to shot of the inside of a large rec room with several Pepsi logos prominently displayed. Everyone walks in, looks around. In the corner, we see a sectioned-off space.)

SKIP: This is your basic recreational room. Couch, T.V. --

JODIE: What's that? (points to the space.)

KEVIN: Heeeeeeey -- the make-out room! Brit'll really go for that.

SANDI: No, you dummy, it's a confessional. A mainstay of the "Real World" and "Road Rules." You use it to confess your innermost thoughts and feelings.

DARIA: (deadpan) Assuming you've got any.

(Beat. Jodie can't contain a chuckle. Sandi frowns at them.)

SKIP: Confessional?? No, no! We respect our copyright infringement laws. This is a "share box." See how it's got Sherry the share pillow in there? Right on top of that nice mirror.

DARIA: With the glowing red recording light.

SKIP & MS. LI: Mrrrrrrrr...

DARIA: (to Jodie) A great place to spontaneously assert your true emotions. And check which is your better side.

SKIP: (overhearing. annoyed) Do you have anything more you'd like to add, Daria??

(Beat)

DARIA: Well... only a question. If we're just supposed to be a bunch of real teenagers living together, then why does our house resemble the inside of a Vegas casino?

(Skip and Ms. Li look at each other and shake their heads, as if they can't believe she'd ask such a silly question.)

MS. LI: Because, Ms. Morgendorffer...

SKIP: People can't watch you kids in a regular house! It would be much too boring.

DARIA: But by putting us in the Taj Mahal, aren't you distorting reality even more than you already have by forcing us to live together in the first place?

SKIP: Distorting reality?? (big laugh.) Heavens, no! We're merely enhancing it to make it more digestible to the average viewer. That way, they can get much more out of it than if...

DARIA: (sardonic) It were really real?

SKIP: Ummm... (frowns at her.) Never mind. (Bt.) Come on, everyone: our next stop will be the Microsoft digital kitchen...

(Pause)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So that's how it started...

(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the "share box.")

DARIA: An ordeal in which I was, and am still, forced to spend each waking moment with people I don't know and don't really wish to know...

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (montage of scenes)

(Cue music: "Crazy" by Britney Spears)

(Herky-jerky shot of sun rising over Lawndale. Cut to herky-jerky shot of the house from the outside. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Daria standing in front of a huge bathroom counter and mirror, fit for a palace. The counter and floor are made of green marble, and in the background, we see a waterfall running down the wall, across the floor. Sandi and Tiffany have their make-up spread over practically two-thirds of the counter, crowding out Daria and Jodie. Both look as though they've been grooming themselves for quite some time, while Daria still looks morning-scruffy and is brushing her teeth. Jodie's brushing her hair.)

SANDI: (frowning) The automatic faucets aren't working again. I don't know how they expect us to survive under these conditions.

JODIE: So you do it by hand. So what?

(Sandi rolls her eyes, then glances at Tiffany.)

TIFFANY: (as if Jodie were from Mars) We might chip a nail.

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) Right. How could I forget?

DARIA: (sardonic) And to think there are people who have to get by without running water or thickening nail polish.

SANDI: (glaring at her) Like, are you accusing us of complaining?? (Bt.) Excuse me, we haven't complained about anything since we got here. Not even about how you two got the larger room, although we could have.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

JODIE: (annoyed) We don't have the larger room. It just has an extra window.

TIFFANY: (cringing) Stuffy rooms are bad for the skin.

SANDI: (tossing her hair) And it's important to look your best -- especially when it's likely someone might be watching you. (eyes trail toward the wall camera, then dart back.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Yes -- dazzling a stalker is one of the most important parts of a girl's day.

(Beat)

SANDI: (frowning) All I'm saying is that you never know when a talent agent might be randomly flipping through the channels and catch one of us on Channel Sixty-four.

DARIA: That's if he's not too busy arranging contracts for his real clients.

(Jodie chuckles softly. Sandi frowns harder, unable to come up with a satisfactory response.)

DARIA: Since I don't quite have your zeal for seeking attention, I think I'll take my chances with anonymity.

SANDI: Fine.

(Cut to close-up of Sandi in the share box with her arms folded. Cue music: "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette.)

SANDI: You know, sometimes I think that girl with the glasses is making fun of me. It like um... (pauses to think.) fills me with pain inside that I, like, can't express... an' stuff. (Bt.) She's just like Ruthie from "Real World: Hawaii." Well you know what? No one liked Ruthie. Ruthie left. (Pause. mumble.) Well actually... she came back, and then no one liked Amaya, or whatever --

(Pounding heard off screen.)

SANDI: (pissed) Dammit, I've still got five minutes in the confessional! (Pause. looks into the camera.) So which d' you think is my better side?

(Pause. We then hear Daria utter a sigh from off screen. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah MacLachlan.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well now that I've got the confessional back, where was I?

(Cut to side shot of Daria walking down the stairs. Kevin slides past her down the bannister, surfer style.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Oh yeah. I've spent every waking moment being recorded for the purpose of a quick buck.

(We hear Kevin crash off screen. Daria flinches only slightly, then continues walking downstairs.)

(Cut to frontal shot of Daria walking down the street to school, a full-fledged camera crew behind her and a microphone dangling overhead.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Having to endure the constant scorn of less-than-understanding classmates.

(From off screen, a tomato whizzes in Daria's direction, hits her on the face, and bounces off. Daria scarcely bats an eye. The tomato is followed by more vegetables, coming at her from both directions. Cut to side shot. We see students standing on the sidelines, shouting, waving their arms, trying to get in front of the camera.)

STUDENT: Take your exploitation crap to another town!

STUDENT 2: Quit misrepresenting the Lawndale High student body!

BARRY: You're giving nerds everywhere a bad image!

(He tosses an animal pelt at Daria. Daria freezes as it flies past, then shudders and walks on.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or having to endure the star-struck frenzy that has gripped the rest of the student body...

(Cut to shot of Daria walking into O'Neill's class, tomato juice running down her face and broccoli in her hair. She makes her way past Jodie, who looks similarly disheveled, and slides into her seat. We see that the classroom looks a little more crowded than usual, and that many people in the back of the room are edging their way forward, waving.)

DARIA: (to O' Neill. deadpan) Um, could I have a few extra seats for them? (gestures off to the side. pan over to show the camera crew in the doorway.)

(Cut to shot of O'Neill at the front of the room.)

O'NEILL: (gestures and voice exaggerated) Of course you can, o' favorite pupil of mine!

(Resume shot of Daria. Jane leans toward her.)

JANE: (wicked smirk) Need some help washing off the stardust??

(Daria looks at Jane with an annoyed "Et tu, Brute?" expression. She sighs heavily.)

(Cue music: "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. Cut to shot of the outside of a nightclub with a long line of young people wrapping around it. The large sign flashes in neon: Lawndale Sizzling Hot Nites.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Then at night, having to work with my housemates in our co-owned, co-run nightclub which Skip thought would be the perfect place for teenagers to learn real world work habits...

(Cut to shot of Daria standing at the bar, polishing a glass [we presume she's not serving drinks, but who knows!]. Off screen we hear a heavy beat along with the obnoxious lyrics of the Ricky Martin song. Herky-jerky pan-over reveals a room crowded with people dancing, while lights swirl all around. The camera jerks to a stop over Kevin and Brittany. Cut to close-up.)

KEVIN: Babe, I'm tellin' ya, no girl in that house even comes close to you.

BRITTANY: Aww, Kevvy... (gets into her jealousy mode.) Well they'd better not! Or else I'll just have to get even with you for being a two-timer! (Pause. sees Kevin looking off screen with an aroused look on his face.) Kevvy?

KEVIN: Who-hoooo... check out Sandi.

(Cut to herky-jerky shot of Sandi dancing with Jamie, both of whom look like they're pretty into it. Resume shot of Kevin and Brittany. Brittany slaps him across the face, storms off.)

(Cut to shot of Daria. A bouncer comes up to her.)

BOUNCER: Yo, Daria - want me to eject that clown?

(He points off screen. Jerky pan-over to Upchuck, whom we see getting in the middle of two couples, taking the unwilling women aside, and dancing with them simultaneously. Resume shot of Daria.)

DARIA: Sure. But don't let him know your orders came from me. (Bt.) On second thought, do.

BOUNCER: Gotcha.

(Cut to shot of Upchuck. The bouncer appears, grips his arm, and drags him kicking and protesting away.)

(Cut to shot of Daria in the share box, looking weary. Cue music: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan.)

DARIA: Overall, I've had to endure three days of my privacy being plundered like never before. I'm starting to wonder what this constant stream of attention will turn me and my housemates into. And all I can say is --

(She's interrupted by a crashing sound. In the background, we see Kevin and Brittany fall into the share box, making out passionately.)

BRITTANY: Neat-o make-out room, Kevvy!

KEVIN: What'd I tell ya, babe??

(Daria at first looks startled. Then she groans.)

DARIA: It's gonna be a long three weeks.

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Daria and Quinn watching the "Real World."]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Daria's cousin Erin gets thigh sweats for Trent, and now she's in hot pursuit... and threatening to turn the Morgendorffers' lives upside down. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

In the spirit of the episode, I've decided to make all of my commercials for stupid MTV programs...

On the next "Real World": Someone goes skinny-dipping! Someone nearly drinks herself to death! Two cast members declare their undying love for each other... then hop into bed! And that's just in the first episode!!! Be there to watch the sh hit the fan on "Road Rules: Hawaii"! Oops, I mean "The Real World." Damn things seem so much alike... 

On the next "Fanatic": "Hi, I'm Suzy Lou from Madison, Wisconsin, and I get to meet... Tom Green! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I, like, think he's the greatest comedian on the face of the earth. When he licked the butt of that cow, he inspired me to be a better person. When he surprised that old lady by jumping out of a corner dressed in a vampire costume, he inspired me to try hard every day and never give up on my dreams! (Pause) No, MTV is not paying me to say this! I'm not an actress, I'm, like, a real person. (pause.) Really! Just because MTV made us fans audition first..." 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

SURREAL WORLD

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (continuation of the previous scene)

(Shot of the inside of the share box. Off screen, we hear heavy sounds of making out, and occasionally see elbows popping up. Finally Kevin and Brittany sit up, lean against a wall as they continue to make out.)

BRITTANY: (extracting herself just long enough to say: ) This share pillow is really great to lean on, Kevvy!

KEVIN: Cool, babe.

(They resume making out.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (morning, a day or two later)

(Cue music: "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray.)

(Shot of the sun rising. Shaky pan-over of the town, then the neighborhood. We see people mowing lawns, picking up newspapers, riding their bicycles. Zero in on the house. Cut to shot of Sandi staggering into the bathroom, looking bed-rumpled, obviously unaware that she's being filmed. Herky-jerky cut to shot of Tiffany. She's lying in bed, and the lump next to her reveals that she's not alone.)

(Cut to shaky shot of pancakes sizzling in a frying pan. Zoom out to reveal that the chef is Jodie. She's standing over a stove that looks as though it could double as the control panel of a spaceship. To her left is a gigantic refrigerator with magnets on it that are suspiciously shaped like the Microsoft logo. Behind her, in the middle of the kitchen, is a long, white-tiled counter. Daria is sitting there, eating cereal and looking rumpled and tired.)

JODIE: Where were you earlier?

DARIA: Unburdening my soul to the multitude.

JODIE: (amused) You mean you've finally embraced the concept of the share box?

DARIA: No, but it's one of the few rooms in this house where I can be by myself. Theoretically speaking.

JODIE: C' mon, Daria, the people here aren't so bad.

DARIA: They're not so good, either.

JODIE: All right, I won't argue with you about Sandi. Seeing her at student council meetings is bad enough. But the rest --

(She's interrupted by Kevin waltzing in. He opens up the fridge, takes out a carton of milk, then opens it and guzzles it down so that half of it pours onto his shirt. He then drops the carton on the ground and stomps it flat.)

KEVIN: Yeeeeeeeeeeah! I'm bad to the bone!! (to Daria and Jodie.) You'd better watch out for the Kev-man! This is me on niiiiiiiine -- you ain't seen me on... uh... (sees Jodie's cold expression.)

JODIE: (no-nonsense) Pick that up.

(Beat)

KEVIN: Hmmm, okay. (picks up the carton, leaves quickly.)

(Daria give Jodie a look that says, "I rest my case." Jodie sighs heavily.)

JODIE: (philosophical) Well hey, look on the bright side: you may see the less-attractive parts of people's personalities, but you also get to see their sweet side. (Bt. smiles) You know, you do this cute little snore when you're asleep.

DARIA: (reddening) Do not.

(Cut to a shot obviously taken sometime during the night, of Daria doing just that. Resume present shot.)

DARIA: But while we're on the subject, (smirks wickedly) I had no idea you were such a big Celine Dion fan.

(Jodie turns red. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie getting dressed that morning. She's bopping around and singing - you guessed it - the Titanic song. Resume present shot.)

JODIE: Well... we've all got our quirks, myself included. (Bt.) But seriously, didn't writing that article for Lowdown make you more interested in learning about people's insides?

(Daria gets a slightly subdued look, remembering some of the reactions she got during her last round of survey-taking. [See "Breaking the Mold."])

DARIA: To be honest, I think I got a little too close for comfort. Besides, how likely are we to see our housemates' innermost thoughts? We're on television.

(She glances over her shoulder -- pan over to show a camera that's practically in her face. Cut to shot taken from that camera's P.O.V. Daria's back is to us in the foreground, and we can see Jodie in the background.)

JODIE: So?

DARIA: So... has it escaped you that because we're being filmed, our housemates aren't acting quite natural?

JODIE: Besides a little posing for the camera, I don't see any change.

DARIA: But that posing for the camera makes all the difference. That's about all each cast on "The Real World" ever does...

(As she speaks, the camera slowly veers away from Daria and focuses on Kevin, who has been standing in the corner, holding the flattened milk carton over a garbage can. The garbage can is automatic: every time Kevin holds the milk carton close, grinders in the can start to whirl. Knowing that the camera's on him, Kevin now plays a game where he holds the carton close, then pulls it away last-minute. Once in a while, he looks directly at the camera and winks.)

DARIA: (off screen) ... All of their emotions are heightened. Each of their trivial, stupid conflicts gets blown into a crisis. Tears are shed. Cast members veer between giving pretentious speeches about the emptiness in their souls to stabbing each other in the back.

JODIE: (off screen) Wow. You sure know a lot about "The Real World."

DARIA: (embarrassed) Umm...

(Finally the garbage can snatches Kevin's milk carton and turns it into pulp.)

KEVIN: Aw, man!

(The cameraman, obviously disappointed that Kevin's show is over, steers the camera back toward Daria and Jodie.)

DARIA: My point is that in spite of his legal concerns, Skip wants us be like the people on that show. He wants us to exaggerate our behavior to outrageous levels, because what better way to market us to the cable network? We'd be "the peep show you don't want to miss" -- the perfect trap to ensnare gullible teen viewers. Who, in turn, would become gullible teen consumers of the products they advertise during commercial breaks.

JODIE: Hmmm, maybe so... but what makes you so sure we will act that way? Those people audition to be on the show. Skip picked us. Yeah, maybe he had a plan in mind when he did, but that doesn't mean we have to follow it.

DARIA: You may want to run that idea past our starstricken housemates.

JODIE: C' mon, you're always so cynical. Why not wait out the three weeks, and I bet you'll find that this experience was nothing like "The Real World."

(Just then, we see Sandi come in, with Jamie pursuing her. Sandi is still in her pajamas, but is now evidently groomed. Jamie's hair mussed up and his shirt is off, revealing pubescent pecs.)

JAMIE: Aw c' mon, Sandi! Don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!

(Sandi eyes him with some irritation and discomfort. Daria looks at Jodie with a "Could I be any more correct?" expression. Jodie pretends not to see. Just then, Kevin waltzes on screen and slaps Jamie on the back.)

KEVIN: Hey-heeeeeeey! Way to go, Jasmine, my bro!!

(Cue music: "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna. Cut to frontal shot of Kevin in the share box. He spikes his football and does the chicken dance.)

KEVIN: Wha-hooo! Wha-hoooooooo!! Jasmine and Sandi! Way-to-gooooooo! I'm the Q.B.! Whoo-hoooo!

(Cut to flashback scene of earlier that morning -- Sandi and Jamie are lying in Sandi's bed. Sandi is propped up on one elbow, and seems to be looking at something off screen, while Jamie looks at her like a lovesick puppy.)

SANDI: I don't know... maybe it's this being young and trying to find my identity in, like, this fast-changing world, or whatever. But for some reason, I've been, like, totally turned on to you these past couple of days.

JAMIE: Me, too!

SANDI: So... d' you think I'd look good posing on the beach with, like, Ananda introducing MTV videos?

JAMIE: Ohhhh yeah.

(Cut to shot of Jamie in the share box.)

JAMIE: I've never met a girl like Sandi. She makes me feel even better than that girl I used to like. (pause) And I am not gay.

(Cut to the present shot of Sandi, Jamie, Daria, Jodie, and Kevin in the kitchen. Sandi gets a somewhat pitying look on her face.)

SANDI: Look Jerome, you're a nice guy and all, but what happened was, like, a one-night impulse thing, understand?

(Jamie seems to not get her meaning for a few seconds. Then it sinks in, and he nods slowly. Daria cocks an eyelid, while Jodie frowns at Sandi with deep irritation.)

DARIA: (deadpan) I'd say you came through loud and clear.

(Sandi picks up on the hidden meaning of her words and frowns at Daria.)

SANDI: Like, who asked you??

DARIA: Excuse me?

SANDI: You're, like, always being some big know-it-all about stuff, and it's, like, really annoying.

JODIE: (irritated) Annoying?? You're one to --

(Just then, Tiffany walks into the kitchen, pursued by Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: Tiffany, my sweet, don't tell me last night didn't mean anything!

TIFFANY: Ewwwwwwwww.

(Everyone else in the room gets a stunned expression on their face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (montage of scenes throughout the week)

(Cue music: "Prisoner" by 311)

(Herky-jerky pan-over shot of the outside of the house, at night)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Well after that little display, I was convinced that my assumptions had been confirmed...

(Cut to frontal close-up of her in the share box, wearing a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: But somehow, what Jodie said about the surveys taking me closer to people's insides, and that we weren't the cast of "The Real World" got me thinking. Maybe it was because I was starving for more interaction with my Partner in Crime. Or because the unnaturally bright lighting in this house was causing me to have a seizure...

(Cut to overhead shot of Daria in the shower with the water running. We see her face -- she seems lost in thought -- but the steam from the water conceals any... um... unmentionables.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Or maybe it was because I'm going soft. But somehow, a part of me did not recoil at the idea of getting to know my housemates as human beings. At long last, I decided that if I had to be stuck with them in this pathetic experience, I may as well see if they're capable of acting humane.

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria standing by the doorway of the Pepsi room, leaning against a wall, with her arms folded. A camera man crouches beside her, his camera aimed toward activity off screen. Every few seconds, he and Daria eye each other warily.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I've decided to observe.

(Cut to shot of Sandi and Tiffany sitting on the couch, unaware of Daria's presence. Sandi is doing Tiffany's nails.)

SANDI: (sober) Now Tiffany, tell me exactly what happened to lead you to the bed of Charles Ruttheimer.

(Pause. Tiffany goes noticeably pale and looks as though she would rather not say anything.)

TIFFANY: Uhhhh... well...

SANDI: (patting her hand) Don't be shy, Tiffany. This is Sandi you're talking to, remember? Not some wacked-out loser weirdo.

(Pause. Tiffany still looks reluctant, but finally: )

TIFFANY: Um... you were, like, asleep... and there was an icky spider on my pillow...

SANDI: (cringing slightly) Ugh. (Bt.) Like, a really icky one?

TIFFANY: (also cringing) Yeah. (Bt.) And Upchuck... he... and I... and he... and um...

(Sandi raises her hands for her to stop talking.)

SANDI: Say no more... I understand everything now. He, like, got you with the old spider maneuver, didn't he?? (shakes her head, sympathetic.) I've seen it before, and have almost fallen victim to it myself once or twice. When you're weak with fear from seeing something gross, the guy takes advantage of you.

TIFFANY: (nodding gratefully) Yeah.

SANDI: (frowning a tad) Someone obviously didn't do a good enough teaching you how to watch out for that stuff. (Bt.) But don't worry: I will.

(Tiffany continues to nod, looking even more relieved... for her. Cut to shaky shot of Daria by the door. She's got a reflective look on her face, as though she's mulling over the sincerity of Sandi and Tiffany's exchange. Just then, Upchuck bursts through the door, wearing a typical Tigerman expression. He taps his fingers, rolls his tongue.)

UPCHUCK: So, Tiffany my sweet, have we gotten over our little inhibitions? ? Realized that the Chuckster is --

SANDI: (shielding Tiffany) You stay AWAY from her!!!

(Tiffany shrinks back against the couch, looking a bit faint.)

UPCHUCK: Oh come on, Tiffany, I wasn't that bad, was I?? Yooou certainly weren't lacking. Grrrrrrrrrrr...

SANDI: (horrified) You're not saying you and she did it --?

TIFFANY: EWWWWWW!!! Nooooooooo!

(Upchuck turns red at her reaction, realizing it was a mistake to exaggerate the events that took place the night before. Sandi turns a megabitch glare on him.)

SANDI: Like, why don't you make like David in "Real World: Los Angeles" and get lost?!

(Upchuck chuckles a bit, trying to come up with a response.)

(Cut to close-up shot of him in the share box.)

UPCHUCK: (exaggerated remorse) Rejected... no woman's ever rejected the Chuckster before. (Pause) Or at least none that I'd actually succeeded in talking into my bed before -- and believe me, she wasn't the first! No way, ohhhh no! (cringes) It, like, fills my poor tender body with unspeakable PAIN!

(He turns around, starts to undo his pants.)

UPCHUCK: I mean what woman could resist firm flesh like this??

(He lowers his pants. The screen suddenly goes black and the word "CENSORED" flashes across it.)

(Resume shot of Upchuck, Sandi, and Tiffany in the present. Upchuck has recovered and is tapping his fingers together with anticipation.)

UPCHUCK: Give it time, Tiffany my love. Yoooou'll come around -- if someone else doesn't get to me first! Grrrrrrrrrrr...

SANDI: In your dreams, jerk.

(Off screen, we hear a groan. Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck turn their heads. Cut to shaky shot of Daria, in time to see her roll her eyes with disgust and leave the room. Resume previous shot. Sandi frowns after her, as does Tiffany.)

UPCHUCK: Perhaps, my dear Sandi, she doesn't agree with you...

(Cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?" by Jewel)

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room with Jodie. Jodie is at a large desk, on top of which we see a blanket of papers, books, and folders that seem to pertain to all kinds of school-related activities. She's working diligently, but with a frown, and she seems noticeably edgy. Daria, meanwhile, is sitting on her bed, the Collected Works of Jonathan Swift in hand. She appears to be reading, but is actually observing Jodie over the edge of her book. We see a large camera in one corner of the room, red light glowing away, and a microphone dangling overhead. Finally, after several seconds, Jodie slams down her pencil.)

JODIE: Where is that music coming from??!

(Daria looks a tad startled by her vehemence. Then she shrugs.)

DARIA: Beats me. It was here when we arrived.

JODIE: Well it's driving me crazy. (With that, the Jewel song comes to an abrupt halt.) How am I supposed to work on this stupid crap with it playing all the time??

(She groans loudly and picks up her pencil. Daria cocks an eyelid, startled by her vehemence. After several seconds pass:)

DARIA: I suppose I should tell you that I took your adv--

JODIE: Not now, Daria, all right?? (Bt.) The whole stupid school is depending upon me to have this done tomorrow!

(She gets back to work. Daria gets an "O-kaaay" expression on her face, looks as though she'd like to say something more. But finally, after several more seconds, she quietly slips off the bed and leaves the room.)

(Re-cue music: "Who Will Save Your Soul?")

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to read her book. Suddenly a bunch of strangers walk past her. They seem to be mostly male, some high school age, some older. Daria lays down her book.)

DARIA: Who're you??

(The people get guilty, anxious looks on their faces. They glance at each other, then at Daria, then at each other again. Finally one guy tries to explain.)

GUY: Uh... we're friends of--uh...

(Meanwhile the other people are turned toward the cameras and waving and smiling.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Say no more. Head down the hall to the Pepsi room. There, you'll find other gatecrashing teens pretending to be friends of the house members, but who are really hoping to snare a lucky break by having their faces appear on a T.V. screen.

GROUP: Cool!!

(They flock in the direction of the Pepsi room. Suddenly Daria sees someone she recognizes.)

DARIA: Jesse???

(He stops. Yes, it's that Jesse.)

JESSE: Um... I-uh... like, recording artist exposure stuff. Um... don't tell Trent. (he leaves quickly.)

(Daria watches him go, then rolls her eyes. A few seconds later, from off screen: )

KEVIN: (off screen) Hey, Daria! Check this out!

(Suddenly his football flies on screen and knocks Daria's book off the counter. She watches it fall to the floor with a stunned expression, then turns to glare at Kevin. Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany on the other side of the room. Kevin pumps a fist.)

KEVIN: Yeeeeeeah! Bullseye, babe! How's that for your bad dude??

BRITTANY: That was neat-o, Kevvy! Gooooooooooo Kevin!

(She does a cartwheel across the floor and stops just short of one of the cameras. Cut to shaky shot of Daria. She presses her forehead to the counter. fade-out)

(Fade-in to shaky shot of Daria trudging down the hallway, near the Pepsi room. She's just about to walk past the door when Jamie comes out, wearing a glum expression. They both stop, look at each other. Suddenly we hear Sandi's laugh coming from inside, along with that of some of the gatecrashing males. Jamie gets an even more bleak expression. Daria frowns a tad, understanding the cause of his frustration, and looks as though she's going to speak. But then, Jamie turns and heads in the direction from which she came. Daria watches him go. Pause.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I've observed for a week, now, and I've yet to see anything approaching community in this house. Each time a new bond is formed, it gets ripped apart. Each day doles out new misery for one or more house members. We live in factions, never talking to anyone from a different faction. And then there's another problem...

(After watching Jamie go, Daria turns and walks in the opposite direction -- and almost runs right smack into a camera. Her eyes widen and she steps back, then shudders a little. Then she frowns.)

(Fade-in to shot of Daria, later that night, in the bathroom. She lays a washcloth over the lens of one camera, then climbs into the shower. Starts to take off her bathrobe, when she notices something on the nozzle. Cut to Daria's POV -- the nozzle has a tiny glowing red light. Cut to a shot taken from an overhead angle -- the same angle of Daria we saw earlier in Act Two. This time, she's staring at the camera lens with a glaring expression. We then see her reach off to the side, off screen, and grab something. She shakes her arm, then points a can of shaving cream at the camera. Squirts. We see a stream of white foam, and then the screen goes black.)

(Fade-in to shot of Daria under the covers, at night. Suddenly she lifts the covers and peeks out. She then frowns and sits up. Pan over to reveal a camera, practically in her face. Daria stares at the camera for several seconds, before reaching forward and flicking on the lens cap. No sooner does she do that then the cameraman removes it. Daria wilts, but continues her staredown with the camera -- she refuses to let it get the better of her. Cut to close-up of the camera lens -- a soulless, unyielding black circle with a glowing recording light. Cut to close-up of Daria. She groans and finally lets herself fall backward against her pillow. fade-out.)

(Music ends. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside.)

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) This experiment is going fabulously!

(Cut to shot of him sitting with Ms. Li in her office.)

SKIP: I can see it all coming together -- tempers are starting to fray, ill-advised love affairs are starting to go awry! Pretty soon this house will be a tinderbox waiting for the right match!

MS. LI: Ooooooh excellent. SUQZ will by dyyyyying to buy this up!

SKIP: Dying?? They've already gone to heaven! Not only has this season been bought up, but next season, too! Not to mention our new experimental "Classroom On the Road." I've already got students auditioning!

MS. LI: Oooh-hooo! Oooh! That's more money in the bank than I could ever dreeeam of! You are a genius, Skip.

SKIP: (doing the "right back atcha" finger point) No, you're the genius for hiring me, Angela!

MS. LI: And you got the parents to bug off -- even the pushy, insistent, self-riiiiiiighteous, always wanting to have their own way ones!

SKIP: Hey, nothing like the promise of a little litigation work headed their way. (exaggerated wink.)

MS. LI: I knew my car got sideswiped by the right person.

SKIP: And with the profits on this baby covering the cost of repairs, I'm only going to ask for forty percent as my share.

(Ms. Li stops smirking. Her eyes narrow.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (auditorium, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside. We hear the chants of protesting students -- the same ones harassing Daria in Act One.)

STUDENTS: (chanting) What do we want?? For-you-to-take-your-degrading-portrayal-of-student-culture-and-your-invasive- means-of-revealing-our-lives-to-another-city! When do we want it?? NOW!

(Cut inside the auditorium. There are long, loooong lines of students waiting to audition. One line reveals Quinn, Stacy, and the remaining two Js. Quinn is frowning and talking on a cell phone, while the others twitch nervously and eye their competition.)

STACY: (watching one girl trudge by) Wow, she's pretty and she plays three different sports. And co-founded the suicide hotline!

JOEY: I guess they didn't think she was interesting enough.

STACY: (faint sounds of hyperventilating) Oh gosh... I hope I can make in on! I hear "Class Land 2" gets to run a clothing boutique and take a trip to Monaco!

JEFFY: And they've got a built-in movie deal.

JOEY/JEFFY/STACY: Ooooooh!

QUINN: (irritated) Guys, keep it down! (returns to her phone call.) What do you mean you watched "Fashion Fusion" with Sandi?? I thought we were s'posed to watch it together.

TIFFANY: (from the receiver) I forgot to call you.

QUINN: (not buying it) You forgot? Ohhh sure, you forgot. (Bt.) And I s'pose you also forgot to call and invite me over every other day these past two weeks?!

TIFFANY: Umm...

QUINN: (curt) Never mind. Why don't you just go off and play with Sandi in your freaking mansion since you obviously like her so much. (hangs up the phone.)

(Pause. We see that Stacy's been watching Quinn, a subdued expression on her face.)

STACY: (hesitant) Um, Quinn...

QUINN: (turning to her, tossing up her hands) I can't believe it, Stacy! I can't believe she'd betray us like that.

STACY: Quinn, don't you think that maybe you're rushing to judg--?

QUINN: (not paying attention. reflective) Maybe what she needs is for someone to drop by and remind her of her Fashion Club duties. (Bt.) Y' know I really should pay Tiffany a visit one of these days...

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (back at the house)

(Cue music: "Someday" by Sugar Ray)

(Herky-jerky pan-over of the outside. We see several people sitting around, including Daria and Jane on the edge of the roof. Cut to shaky shot of them. Daria's looking as weary as ever, while Jane looks sympathetic. Over Jane's head we see the words "Daria's Friend" in squiggly white writing, with an arrow pointing to her.)

JANE: So you never struck gold in your quest for realness, huh?

DARIA: (deadpan) Not even fool's gold. I'd say my suspicions have been handily confirmed. Thanks to the wonders of television, the people in my house are quarrelsome, reckless, back-biting posers who are about as real as a supermodel's breasts. If MTV saw us, they'd call our show "Real World: the Next Generation."

(Jane cringes, peers downward. Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck seated by the outdoor pool. Sandi and Tiffany are sunbathing, and several gatecrashing males are helping out by adjusting their umbrellas or rubbing suntan lotion on them. Upchuck, meanwhile, is lying on his stomach, getting a massage from two girls [he's obviously gotten over Tiffany]. Off screen, we hear the sounds of tennis being played. Suddenly a tennis ball whizzes on screen and knocks the suntan lotion out of one of the guys' hands.)

KEVIN: (off screen) Yeeeeeeeah! I'm one bad dude!

SANDI: KEVIN!!! (sits up straight, glares off screen.) Would you cut it OUT?! Skip, like, said you're s'posed to be the good guy -- not the obnoxious loser who no one likes!!

(Beat)

KEVIN: (off screen) Ohhhhhh. Gotcha!

(Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: Hmm... I think see what you mean.

DARIA: The constant exposure is even getting to me. I haven't been nearly as sarcastic as I usually am.

JANE: Yeah. You just missed the perfect opportunity to mock Kevin.

DARIA: (weary) I've been so inundated with his stupidity, it's not even worth it. What's more, I keep finding myself unable to relax -- to make mistakes, to scratch myself in places no one has a right to see -- out of fear that it will find its way on tape. It's eaten away at my natural responses and turned my into a nervous, bitter wreck.

JANE: (sardonic) And I guess if you tried to vent your hostility by sending everyone to a violent, bloody death, you'd risk getting caught on tape. (Bt. cocks a brow) Unless you did it from up here.

(Daria shakes her head and points upward. Cut to shot from their P.O.V. -- we see a helicopter hovering noiselessly overhead, a camera extending from it. That's where all of the herky-jerky pan-overs have been coming from. Resume previous shot. Jane looks up at it, bursts out laughing with amusement and embarrassment, and waves. Daria remains impassive.)

JANE: Whoops... I wondered where that breeze was coming from.

DARIA: (sarcastic) And I can tell you're really upset about it.

JANE: (shrugging) Well let's put it this way: while I'd never want the claustrophobic life of a starlet, I do sort of envy you guys in your opportunity to present all sides of yourselves -- even if no one takes it. Sometimes I feel like all anyone ever sees is happy-go-lucky Jane, without knowing the twisted, tormented soul that lurks within.

DARIA: Then maybe you would have coped better with this experience.

JANE: (shrugging again) Maybe. But at least you have Jodie as your isle of normalcy.

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Cut to flashback shot of Jodie and Daria in the kitchen that morning. Daria's reading at the counter, while Jodie's cooking. Suddenly Jodie flings down the spatula so hard, it nearly knocks her pan onto the ground.)

JODIE; Stupid kitchen. I can't work anything in here!

(Resume present shot of Daria and Jane.)

DARIA: Guess again. Let's just say that Jodie's feeling the strain of constant surveillance as well. (Bt.) But you know what really concerns me?

JANE: What?

(Bt.)

DARIA: (more subdued) What if this behavior isn't the result of people being watched? What if this is how they always behave when they're alone??

JANE: So that means what you've always believed when you heckled them at school is true. So what?

DARIA: (weary) Yeah -- so what?? (Pause) Only that I never really wanted to get close enough to see if it was true. I was happy with my ignorance, because it kept me from plunging into despair. But now...

JANE: (sympathetic) Hey... a three-week experience under the strangest of circumstances can't teach you that much about the other members of your species.

DARIA: Maybe not. But what I can safely say is that I'm stuck with a deepening mystery -- of where the posers leave off and the real personalities begin. (groans) And it's getting to me. (Bt. glances downward.) And no one's done a more expert job at obscuring reality than Sandi.

(Cut to shot of Sandi, Tiffany, and Upchuck as before. We see Jamie creep over to Sandi, crouch down beside her.)

JAMIE: Um... Sandi. We, um, have to talk.

(Sandi looks up at him, gets a slightly embarrassed look on her face.)

SANDI: Josh, I've, like, said all that needs to be said.

JAMIE: Actually, my name's --

SANDI: Look, I told you that you're a nice guy, and stuff, but it was one night.

JAMIE: (getting a morose expression on his face) It wasn't one night to me, Sandi. It was... my, um... my...

(Sandi catches his meaning and reddens a little.)

SANDI: Oh. I... (pause) I-I didn't know. (long pause. vaguely apologetic) Look... like I said, I wasn't thinking straight, and besides, directors like bedroom scenes, so I thought --

JAMIE: Huh???

SANDI: Um, nothing. (Bt.) Listen, I've got two dates tonight at the nightclub, but how'd you like to be my emergency back-up in case the others cancel?

(Pause. Jamie finally nods. After several more seconds, he finally gets up and leaves. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jane and Daria. The helicopter microphone has picked up the dialogue, so they've overheard the exchange. Jane is frowning darkly.)

JANE: (sarcastic) Ah yes, the mystery is when that girl ever stops posing. User of men, smearer of good names... our little Sandi is just full of ways to get attention. (Bt. smirks wickedly) In fact, I feel like giving her some right now. (calling out) Yoo-hoo... Sandi!!

(She waves down at her. Cut to shot of Sandi on the ground. She looks up, then turns scarlet. Cut to shot from her P.O.V. We see Jane waving, an exaggerated smile on her face, and Daria smirking beside her.)

JANE: Remember me?? It's Jane Lane! Remember? Your pal JANE... LANE! It's great to see you! Gosh, when did we last see each other?? It's slipped my mind...

(Resume shot of Sandi. She does a wave, mumbles some sort of greeting, then tries to ignore Jane. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria on the roof. Jane now smirks with satisfaction.)

JANE: I so love tormenting that girl. (Bt.) Now that's the kind of fun you should be having with this experience.

DARIA: Think she'll ever be embarrassed enough to apologize to you? [*] see "Outvoted"

JANE: (shrugging) Who knows?? But seriously -- if you're gonna be on T.V., and you feel like the world's turned upside down and people aren't being real, one thing you could do is let yourself go crazy.

DARIA: (disbelief) You want me to act like them??

JANE: No. But what I'm saying is that you're going to be influencing hundreds of impressionable young minds with this T.V. program of yours... why not take the opportunity to mess with their heads a little?

(Daria pauses to absorb what Jane said. Then she smirks. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (house, the next evening)

(Cue music: "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan)

(Herky-jerky shot of the outside of the house.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So I decided to take Jane's advice. But I soon learned that messing with all of your wonderful minds wasn't as easy as I thought it would be...

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria at the kitchen counter, looking through several sheets of paper with a mild frown of concentration on her face. Every so often, she reaches for a nearby plate of celery sticks topped with peanut butter and takes a bite.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Perusal of my contract revealed that it's air-tight. No messing with the camera lenses. No torching the house or the share box. (Bt.) No pumping anti-establishment recordings into the sound system, including Beatnik poetry, white supremacist mottos --

(Daria looks up from the papers.)

DARIA: There go those KKK slogans I wanted to try. (long pause. looks at the camera) That was a joke.

(She resumes looking at the papers.)

DARIA: (continuing off screen voice-over) or any music by an artist with a sharp utensil for a first name. No alcohol. No drugs. No smoking. No rapping. No rapping while smoking. No hitting someone with a closed fist -- although hitting someone with an open hand is permissible as long as it's done in the heat of anger. That is also the only time you can refer to someone as a "bitch" or a "ho."

(Daria sighs heavily and chomps down hard on a celery stick.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Anyway, the list goes on, and I still hadn't reached the end of the preamble. (Bt.) Oh, and did I forget to mention that this is supposed to be a television show based on our natural behavior?

(Just then, we see Sandi walk into the kitchen. She at first seems to not notice Daria, as she's heading toward the back pantry.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I was beginning to think that I was out of luck -- until fate stepped in...

(Sandi stops abruptly, and turns to look at the jar of peanut butter sitting on the counter. She walks back over to Daria and stands across from her, on the other side of the counter. Picks up the jar, looks at it with some disbelief, then frowns at Daria.)

SANDI: Like, excuse me, what do you think you're doing with that??

DARIA: (deadpan) I'm using it as super glue to create the ultimate food sculpture. (Bt.) Or ingesting it. I haven't decided.

SANDI: (frowning) Look, cousin of that girl-I-hate-so-much-I-can't-even-say-her-name-right-now, that's my peanut butter.

DARIA: (glancing at her plate of celery sticks) Oh. Sorry. If you feel my unpopular essence has tainted it, I think Jodie has another jar stashed away somewhere.

SANDI: (rolling her eyes with disgust) I can't, like, use a common supermarket variety -- mine is organically grown. (points to the label.)

DARIA: (looking) Oh. (Bt.) So do all organically-grown foods have no flavor?

SANDI: (losing her temper) It's not for eating, it's for rubbing over your skin!

DARIA: And would there be any organically-grown jelly to go with that?

SANDI: Your skin absorbs the nutrients and gets an afterglow. God, you, like, know nothing about skin care treatments!

(Beat)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Wearing peanut butter... no, I'm afraid I don't have the guts to test out that fashion statement. My gut is only made for one thing. (pats her stomach.) And if you don't mind my saying so, I think the peanut butter has gone to a better place.

(Pause. Sandi frowns darkly at Daria.)

SANDI: You just, like, think everything's so funny, don't you??

DARIA: (deadpan) I didn't realize I was laughing.

SANDI: You've been, like, making fun of us this whole time. You're just a... a bully.

DARIA: (stunned) Excuse me??

(Sandi leans in closer to her.)

SANDI: You heard what I said -- and you know what?? I am fed up with it. Eating my peanut butter without permission and then making fun of me was the last straw. (Bt.) I'm calling a house meeting.

(She pulls back, turns away, and leaves. Pause. Daria turns and looks at the camera, wearing an "O-kaaay" expression on her face.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Just when I thought I couldn't do any damage, I found that I'd messed with someone's mind. Sandi is apparently convinced that I'm out to get her. Or at least she's pretending to be convinced. Either way, my life has taken a definite turn toward the surreal.

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Kevin dropping the milk carton and stomping it flat, while Daria and Jodie look on.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

On the next "Tom Green Show": Watch Tom try to make Suzy Lou of Wisconsin pretend to be an exotic dancer for a local businessmen's banquet. Then watch him create the ultimate spit glob -- and chuck it at customers coming out of a supermarket! Oh the laughter and good times! 

On the next "Celebrity Death Match": Watch the characters from "Undressed" get down and dirty!!! Then watch Celine Dion battle Deion Sanders to see WHO has the right to bear the name "Dion"! (Pause) Yeah, we know they spell their names differently! But hey, look... MTV's green-lighted us for three more seasons, and we have to come up with matchups somehow! 

On the next "Total Request Live": Will 'N Sync's latest succeed in knocking Britney Spears's latest out of first place?? What will The Backstreet Boys say when we talk to them live and in person??! You won't wanna miss it!!! 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

SURREAL WORLD

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (later that night)

(Cue music: "The Last Stop" by the Dave Matthews Band)

(Shot of the outside of the house.)

JODIE: (off screen voice-over) She called you a what?!

(Cut to shaky shot of Sandi and Tiffany in their room.)

SANDI: (sober) A bully. (Bt.) Like, haven't you noticed how she's always saying mean things to everyone??

TIFFANY: Yeah.

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) I'll bet anything that Quinn put her up to it.

TIFFANY: That's soooo wrong.

SANDI: Ever since the very beginning she's been on my case. Our first meeting with Skip --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white flashback shot of Daria, Sandi, and the rest of the students in Ms. Li's office.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) Yeah -- role models for our sick, sad generation.

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) Or when we were all in front of the mirror --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of Sandi, Tiffany, Jodie, and Daria in the bathroom.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) Since I don't quite have your zeal for seeking attention...

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) Or that morning after I spent the night with Jermaine --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of Sandi, Jamie, Jodie, Daria, and Kevin in the kitchen.)

DARIA: (slo-mo) I'd say you came through loud and clear.

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) And when she and her friend were making fun of me on the roof --

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot from Sandi's P.O.V. of Jane waving and Daria smirking.)

SANDI: (present off screen voice-over) And now this. I'm telling you, Tiffany: she's, like, getting out of control.

TIFFANY: Yeah.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Tiffany in the share box.)

TIFFANY: Quinn's cousin is soooooo wrong. (long pause) Is it true the camera adds ten pounds?

(Cut to shaky overhead shot of Daria and Jodie in their room.)

JODIE: (disbelief) You ate her peanut butter??

DARIA: Either that, or some really tasty candle wax.

(Jodie shakes her head.)

JODIE: That's what got her upset?? But she uses my stuff all the time without permission. (Bt. sounding bitter) All she wants is an audience.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: Sandi's gone too far -- what Daria did was an accident. She's just looking for an excuse to turn on the waterworks in front of the camera. And after what she did to Jane in the election, and the nasty attitude she's shown around here, I can't keep it to myself anymore. (Bt.) Somebody's got to teach her a lesson.

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jane in the share box.)

JANE: Wha-hooooooo! I've always wanted to be in one of these things!! (Bt.) Um, I mean... (sobers up) I've known Daria a long time, and she's not the type to intentionally upset someone... (mumble) unless urged on by a friend. (Bt.) That would require actually giving a damn about that person in the first place.

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria and Sandi in front of the bathroom mirror that same night. Sandi's washing her face, Daria's brushing her teeth. Both keep eyeing each other somewhat warily.)

(Cut to frontal close-up of Kevin in the share box.)

KEVIN: Y' know, 'cause I'm the good guy an' all, it's hard for me to take sides. But man, I gotta go with Sandi on this one...

(Cut to shot of the half-eaten jar of peanut butter. Zoom in for a close-up.)

KEVIN: (off screen voice-over) I mean this is peanut butter, dudes. Peanut butter!

(Cut to frontal close-up of Upchuck in the share box.)

UPCHUCK: Grrrrr... two luscious ladies. Why must the Chuckster choose one over the other?? (Bt.) But Daria did have that bouncer throw me out...

(Cut to grainy black-and-white shot of the bouncer dragging Upchuck out of Lawndale Sizzling Hot Nites.)

(Cut to frontal close-up of Jamie in the share box.)

JAMIE: I really, um, wanna not like Sandi after the way she's been treating me. (Pause. wilts) Aww, but I can't...

(He gets a depressed look on his face. fade-out.)

(fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (house meeting, the next evening)

(Cue music: "One Way Or Another" by Blondie)

(Shaky shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Before I knew it, D-Day had arrived. I could immediately feel the carrion birds circling...

(Cut to shaky overhead shot of everyone gathered together in the Pepsi room. Daria and Jodie sit on one side of the room, the rest of the house sits on the other. Daria seems calm, almost amused by the whole situation. Everyone else is serious... even Kevin.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) So to think that all this time, while I was finding reasons to dislike my housemates, they, too, were piecing together clues from my behavior and jumping to their own conclusions. (Bt.) This experience just keeps getting more and more positive.

(There's a silence in the room that's diluted only by the annoying music playing, until at last Sandi breaks it.)

SANDI: Well, where should we start?

KEVIN: (leaping up, pointing a finger accusingly) You're OUT of the house, Daria!!!

(Daria cocks an eyelid, unfazed.)

SANDI: (annoyed) Kevin. Not so fast. We have to give her a trial first, like they did with Puck in "Real World: San Francisco." That's, like, the most civilized method.

JODIE: (angry) No it's not! Guys, this is stupid. You don't have any reason to be mad at Daria. Sandi, you barely knew who she was until two weeks ago.

SANDI: So?? Didn't Skip tell us the purpose of our living together was, like, to get to know each other??

DARIA: (deadpan) That amongst other pearls of wisdom.

(Sandi glares at her.)

SANDI: Well I've gotten to know her, and I don't think I want to any longer. She's like this creepy-crawly person who gets under your skin. No wonder Skip kept getting mad at her.

JODIE: Why should Skip's reaction matter so much?

SANDI: Well he is, like, our boss, in case you've forgotten.

JODIE: I sure haven't. How could I when you remind us every few minutes?

SANDI: (frowning) What's that supposed to mean?

JODIE: It means --

DARIA: (sighing) Look, this is my inquisition, is it not? Why don't we get down to business.

KEVIN: Yeah. You're OUT of the house, Daria!

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Shut up.

SANDI: (to Jodie) There now, you see?? She, like, can't be nice to anyone.

TIFFANY: Yeah. That girl's always saying how stupid we are.

UPCHUCK: You do put forth an unpleasant demeanor, Daria my sweet.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

JODIE: Well I've known Daria longer than some of you have. She may seem stand-offish, she may say things that sound a bit harsh, but inside, she's a really sweet person.

(Daria reddens a little at her praise. The others take a moment to absorb Jodie's remark.)

JODIE: Come on -- you've lived with her for two weeks, and you haven't seen her do one nice thing?

(Pause. The others glance at each other, then pause to think for several seconds. Slowly, Kevin, Upchuck, Jamie, and even Tiffany get uncomfortable looks on their faces.)

JAMIE: (hesitant) Well... I guess it's true she hasn't really been mean.

KEVIN: Yeah... she kinda just sits in the corner... like a stray dog, or somethin'.

DARIA: Thank you, Kevin.

(Jodie looks pointedly at Sandi. Sandi at first returns her gaze defiantly, then glances at Daria and rolls her eyes.)

SANDI: (grudging) All right. Let us say that I did exaggerate some of her wrongs against myself -- that would still leave the peanut butter incident. You can't deny that she acted in an insulting manner when she put it in her mouth and said that it had gone to a better place.

JODIE: Sandi, I'm sure Daria didn't mean to use your peanut butter. And I'm definitely sure she didn't use it with the sole purpose of getting on your nerves.

DARIA: Actually... I did.

SANDI & JODIE: What??

(Pause. The other house members gaze at Daria with interest. Sandi looks both irritated and smug, while Jodie looks stunned.)

DARIA: Or rather, I should say that I was looking for a way to get on people's nerves, and the peanut butter became a convenient mode of transportation.

JODIE: But why??

(Pause. Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: I have to say I was shocked when I heard her say that. I mean this is Daria. She reacts, she doesn't act -- especially not in a way that could hurt people's feelings. It makes me wonder what else I don't know about her...

(Resume present shot of the group. Daria remains impassive, but there's the slightest hint that she regrets her admission. She turns to Sandi.)

DARIA: I think you might understand the reason. What's the point of my being real? No one else was, so why should I? We're not here to get to know each other, we're here to be on television -- which involves being as inconsiderate and attention-grabbing as possible. So I chose to do something that would provoke an instant negative response. And here we are.

(Pause. Sandi looks a bit uncomprehending for a few seconds. Daria lowers her eyes.)

DARIA: And... I regret it.

(Pause. Sandi's still looking at her. Her face then softens a tad, but before she can reply: )

QUINN: (off screen. sing-songy) Hel-lohhhhhh.

(Everyone in the group turns to look, stunned, as she enters the doorway.)

DARIA: (under her breath) You have an unbelievably lousy sense of timing.

TIFFANY: (surprised) Quinn.

SANDI: (stunned) What're you doing here??

QUINN: (faux chipper) What d' you mean? Can't a friend and relative visit her friend and relative??

(She glances at Daria, then at Tiffany and Jamie. Her cheerful expression wavers slightly. Cut to frontal close-up of Quinn in the share box. Cue music: "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette.)

QUINN: So, like, I get there, and what do I see but Tiffany and Sandi are, like, sitting together. But even worse -- Jordan was practically falling all over Sandi! It filled me with... (looks down, as though she's reading something.) so much unspeakable pain and torment, I was, like, ready to... perish. (Pause) Oh, and Daria was in trouble, or something.

(Resume present shot of the group.)

JODIE: Um, we're sort of busy.

QUINN: (walking into the room, cheerfulness fading from her demeanor) Oh that's okay, I won't waste your time. Certainly Sandi didn't waste hers. (Bt. to Sandi) Y' know I came here expecting to find that you'd lured Tiffany away from me, and I was right. (turns to Tiffany. frustrated, resentful.) So go ahead, Tiffany, why don't you be her vice-president again? Or maybe you two and Stacy can just force me to leave the Fashion Club.

TIFFANY: (genuine surprise) What are you talking about, Quinn?

SANDI: (to Tiffany) You were going to make me president??

QUINN: Oh, like it wasn't your whole stupid plan all along. (looks at Jamie.) But Jordan, too? God, Sandi, d' you have to steal everyone who's attached to me??

SANDI: (indignant) I didn't, like, steal them from you. They weren't yours to begin with.

QUINN: Like I'm really gonna believe you.

SANDI: (more indignant) Hey, just because you weren't up to being in charge of them is no reason to take it out on me. Just because your lax example caused Tiffany to fall astray into the arms of a pervert... (her eyes trail toward Upchuck.)

(Tiffany goes pale. Quinn catches Sandi's meaning, looks at Upchuck with horror.)

QUINN: Ewwwwww! Tiffany!!!

UPCHUCK: Why do all ladies react to the Chuckster this way?

(Beat)

JODIE: I hate to say it, Sandi, but I can't blame her for not believing you. Like Daria said, you haven't been real to us once since we got here.

SANDI: (irritated) Oh, so you're, like, against me too now, are you? What a surprise.

(Beat)

JODIE: Against you?? (standing up, with a sudden flare of irritation.) Well if I'm against you, it wasn't by choice, believe me. In fact, one of the things I hoped for most when we came here was to find out what makes you act the way you do. I really wanted to find out that you weren't a complete bitch.

(Sandi goes pale. The others, even Quinn, look rather stunned by Jodie's bluntness.)

JODIE: But instead all I've seen is a snotty, negative attitude and a devotion to sticking to the role Skip picked for you. Is being noticed on TV so important that you can't just be nice, even a little??

SANDI: (angry) Like, when did this stupid meeting start being about me?? Who says I haven't been nice to anyone?!

TIFFANY: (very softly) She has. (No one hears her.)

SANDI: Just because I know how to take advantage of an opportunity when it hits, just because I don't want to be some loser who wakes up at age thirty and finds she's wasted her life modeling for used car ads when --

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Oh give it up, Sandi. Gawd, anyone could do a better job acting victimized than you can. Makes me wonder how you even landed the vixen role. (to the group.) Maybe she just had her mom buy it for her.

(Sandi knows what Quinn's making an allusion to. She vaults off the couch, stands across from Quinn so that they're only a couple of inches apart.)

SANDI: (dead serious) You leave her out of this.

QUINN: (not cowed) Why?? It's true, isn't it??

SANDI: (face turning purplish-red) No... no it is not true.

(Quinn appears ready to make a retort, when she gets a tap on the arm from Jamie.)

JAMIE: Quinn... (shakes his head slightly.)

(She looks at him with surprise -- none of the Js has ever tried to restrain her before. At first she glares at him, then she realizes that her comment was on the nasty side, and gets a somewhat remorseful look on her face. Meanwhile Sandi's bright red, shaking slightly, and seems oblivious to the other people.)

SANDI: She had nothing to do with this. She didn't buy me anything.

JODIE: (cool) Other than the vice-presidency.

SANDI: (swerving to face her) I never asked her to do that!

JODIE: No, but you went along with it, didn't you?? So a part of you must've thought it was okay.

(Meanwhile Quinn quietly slips away and takes a seat next to Daria. Daria's been watching this exchange with an impassive, yet intent, expression.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I was well aware that my presence at this meeting had long been forgotten. This was now a meeting of three individuals. (Bt. glances at Quinn.) Or should I say... two.

SANDI: No I didn't. I didn't think it was okay. There're a lot of things I wish she wouldn't do!

JODIE: (getting pissed) But you're still not sorry enough to resign as vice-president, are you?? Just as long as you're in the spotlight, that's all that matters, doesn't it??

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) I'll confess that during this exchange, a part of me waited in vain for Jodie's cooler head to prevail.

SANDI: Where do you get off saying that type of stuff, Landon?! What makes you think you can just, like, tell me what I'm thinking?? You must believe you're a total saint -- Miss I-always-have to-be-in-charge-of-everything!

JODIE: Hey, at least I earned all my top positions! That's right -- earned them, something which I don't think you know much about. I didn't just waltz into them after cheating or buying them or hurting people or sleeping around or whatever the hell you do.

SANDI: I never d--

JODIE: You may think you're getting something from all this exposure, but you know what -- you're not. All you're showing people is what a coward and a fraud you are!

DARIA: (trying to intervene) You guys, let's just --

JODIE: (not hearing her) And don't think I'm the only one who feels that way. I'll bet everyone in this room shares my opinion, and so do the others on the Student Council. We all think that, every time there's a meeting. We watch you sitting at our table, knowing you're the only one of us who didn't work her ass off to get into elected office. And at the end of each meeting, we leave feeling sick to our stomachs. That's right, Sandi -- you make us sick!

(Daria sits on the couch, watching her with an impassive, yet slightly resigned, expression. Cut to close-up of her in the share box, wearing that same expression.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Jodie was saying all the things that needed to be said. I freely confess that it felt good to watch Sandi squirm under the glare of a spotlight she hadn't sought after. (Pause) And yet... I'd seen Jodie spout off before... I'd even seen her blow up before, but this is the first time I'd watched her sustain her hostility for so long. While the cynical side of me says "who cares?", the small part of me that takes comfort in the existence of naive, idealistic fools who want everyone to get along was... disturbed.

(Resume present shot. Sandi is looking at Jodie with a tightly-controlled expression, seeming stunned, hurt, and very angry all at once. Jodie stares at her back with the same tight control. You sense there's more nastiness ahead.)

DARIA: ... and I question whether this hostile side of Jodie is more influential than she would ever admit.

(Suddenly Kevin, who has been a passive audience this whole time, jumps off the couch and points a finger at Sandi.)

KEVIN: You're OUT of the house!!!

SANDI: (turning the full force of her emotions on him) Why don't YOU get out of the house, KEVIN?!!

KEVIN: But I'm the good guy.

JODIE: (to Sandi) Maybe you should do what he says.

SANDI: Or maybe you should!

UPCHUCK: C' mon ladies, let's quell the catfight...

SANDI & JODIE: SHUT UP!!

QUINN: HEY, like, I don't care if you ALL get out of the house!!! I've still got to deal with the problem of Tiffany and Jordan being stolen from me!

JAMIE: Hey, um, can I please say something?

SANDI: (snappy) Not if you're just gonna snap at me like all the others!

QUINN: And if you're gonna lick Sandi's boots, then don't even bother talking to me!

JAMIE: I wasn't gonna--

SANDI: Just be quiet, Justin.

QUINN: It's Jordan.

JAMIE: It's JAAAAMIE!!!

(Pause. His outburst causes everyone in the room to go silent. Each person gets a stunned look on his or her face. Meanwhile Jamie is shaking and looking very close to tears.)

JAMIE: Man... I was just gonna try and get you guys to calm down, but why even bother?? No one here seems to care what I think. And you guys (looks at Sandi and Quinn), you-you treat me like I'm nothing!

(Pause. Sandi and Quinn slowly go from shocked to remorseful. They eye each other uneasily. The shock and anger fade from Jodie's face, getting replaced by mortification. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 3 (montage)

(Cue music: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.)

(Shaky shot of the outside. Cut to frontal close-up of Jodie in the share box.)

JODIE: (sober) And all this time I thought Sandi was the only poser in this house. It turns out a lot of us have been... myself included. (Bt.) I was so busy thinking I was the "good guy" and feeling like I had to drill it into Sandi's head, that I completely overlooked all the people who weren't as able to make themselves be heard. I'm sorry. (Pause) I think we all are...

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria and Jodie sitting in their room, both wearing sober expressions.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Sandi and Tiffany in their room, also wearing sober expressions. Sandi's gazing at a closed notebook in her lap, and Tiffany stares at herself in a mirror, for once not enjoying it.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Quinn sitting on the stairs, head in hands.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Kevin standing in the kitchen. He tosses a football against the wall over and over, until it finally hits him in the head and falls to the floor.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Jamie sitting on the Pepsi room couch, by himself, looking bleak.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Upchuck flipping through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. For once, he seems to show a lack of interest.)

(Cut to shaky shot of Daria walking into the kitchen. She sees Kevin, goes over to where he is standing.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) After what happened, it would have been easy for me to let each day drift into the next, until three full weeks had passed. Then I could have gone back to Jane and chalked up this experience as another example of the world going to hell. But...

(Daria leans down, picks up the football, and hands it to Kevin.)

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) ...somehow it didn't seem like the thing to do.

(Cut to shot of Sandi staring at the notebook. Finally, in a swift, decisive action, she opens it and takes a pen. She starts to scribbling on the page, furrows her brow with concentration.)

(Cut to shot of Tiffany and Upchuck standing in the hall, talking. Yes, talking. Neither of them looks unfriendly.)

(Cut to shot of Jodie walking up to Sandi and Tiffany's door. She stops, stands there for several seconds, looking as though she's debating whether or not to go in. Finally she heaves a sigh, and keeps walking.)

(Cut to shot of Jamie on the couch. Quinn comes over and sits beside him, wearing a contrite expression. Says a few words that cause Jamie to show a hint of a smile.)

(Music ends. fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (a few days later)

(Herky-jerky pan over of the house. Cut to shaky inside shot of the seven housemates in the Pepsi room, looking pretty worn-out. Skip is standing over them, having just arrived.)

SKIP: (overly-hyped) How's it going, kids??

ALL: Mmmmmmmmm...

SKIP: You'll never guess what I've got for you -- the first episode of "Class Land"!

JODIE: So soon??

SKIP: Yep. We just cobbled together footage from the first couple of weeks. We've even tested it with a focus group. And you'll never guess! (Pause) Well go on! Guess! Guess!!

DARIA: The focus group thought we were destined for a spot on Must-See Thursday.

SKIP: (frowning a little) Mrrr... no. (Bt.) Bu-ut SUQZ did give us a premier time slot! They canceled "Uptown," and we get to go on in its place!

(Pause)

JODIE: "Uptown"? You mean that really cool animated show?

SKIP: "Cool"?? All it was was a bunch of dull kids in boring jobs hanging out and talking.

DARIA: In other words, one of the few programs that made television worth watching.

SKIP: (frowning again) Mrrr... never mind. (holds up a video tape and waves it.) You're gonna love seeing how you really come across!

(He reaches toward the TV and puts the tape in the VCR, then reaches over to the wall and flicks off the lights. The angle is such that we can't see what's on the TV screen, but almost immediately, the students are overwhelmed by a gush of loud rock music and swirling colors. fade-out.)

(Fade-in to a short time later, the end of the episode. All of the housemates except Kevin and Upchuck appear to be showing little enthusiasm. Skip leans forward and turns off the TV, then flicks on the lights.)

SKIP: So what d' you think??

KEVIN: (leaping up. Enthused) Man, I look good!

UPCHUCK: You did somehow manage to bring out my debonair charms. Grrrrrr...

(long pause. Skip gestures at the girls.)

TIFFANY: The camera didn't make me look too fat.

SANDI: Yes, it was nice... I guess. (Bt.) But how come Quinn was in it so much?? She was only here for, like, an hour.

ALL BUT DARIA: Yeah.

SKIP: Because the camera just loves her. She lights up every scene -- er, I mean, situation. It would have been a horrific, God-awful tragedy not to include her.

JODIE: All right, fine. But then why were the scenes edited in such a disorganized way? I got nauseous from all those quick, shaky-cam cuts, and the share box scenes had almost no connection to what went on in the episode.

SKIP: Mrrrr... you'll have to take it up with the editors. (Bt. turns to Daria.) Well, Sarcasm Queen, what did you think??

(Beat)

DARIA: I think you made exactly the episode you set out to make.

SKIP: Aw, thanks.

DARIA: Something easily digestible that causes the blood to leave your brain.

SKIP: Mrrrrrrr...

DARIA: What did the focus group think?

SKIP: (enthused again) They thought it was fantastic! Can't wait to see more! This show's really gonna be a gold mine. Especially with the cable rights, which let us show it over and over and over again in marathons and spin-offs...

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

SKIP: Except... there was a slight quibble with some of the casting choices.

(Everyone turns to look at Daria.)

DARIA: (calmly) Say no more. I'd be happy to bow out right now and pretend this whole thing never happened.

SKIP: Oh no, Daria, not you. The focus group loved you. Cynical, sarcastic, stirring up people's venom -- that's what they want! (Bt.) And Sandi. They really loved Sandi.

(In response, Sandi manages a rather lukewarm smirk.)

SKIP: We've already got you signed up to be on "Classroom On the Road." And in each of the installments of "Class Wars," where we pit members of each cast against each other in brutal competition!

DARIA: Finally a scenario that does reflect real life.

(Beat)

JODIE: (cool) Congratulations, Sandi.

(Sandi nods slowly.)

SKIP: I mean really, you were all fantastic, but... (gaze trails over to Jodie and Tiffany.) Some of you haven't fulfilled your potential.

JODIE: (wary) How so?

(Beat)

SKIP: Well... Tiffany -- (turns to her.) your brief fling with Chuck was promising, but... the group felt that considering your background, you weren't resentful or confused about your identity enough.

TIFFANY: O-kaaay.

SKIP: And Jodie -- (looks at her.) your blow-up with Sandi showed real potential, although I will confess that up until then, you were pretty much a girl scout.

JODIE: (sardonic) And girl scouts just aren't viewer-friendly, right?

SKIP: Right-o! But never fear: as pertaining to your contracts, you'll have an extended three months to get your act together.

ALL: Huh??

DARIA: Funny, I have my contract right here, and -- (starts to pull it out of her pocket.)

SKIP: (nervous. waving her off) Oh-oh-err... yours has a typo, so you can't see that clause the way you can on the other contracts. Which I'd show you, but -- gotta go! (heads toward the door.) Oh, and if it turns out that certain cogs in the machine continue not to function properly, (again, eyes trail toward Jodie and Tiffany.) then don't hesitate to replace them with ones that will. Cheerio! (leaves.)

(long pause. The group just sits there, eyeing the cameraman with slightly sickened expressions, even Kevin and Upchuck.)

DARIA: So we're stuck together for another three months.

JODIE: (weary) Not us. (gestures at Tiffany.) He wants you guys to kick us out, doesn't he? So he can replace us with people who are more exciting.

(Pause)

ALL: Quinn.

SANDI: (frustrated) But dammit, I don't want Tiffany to get kicked out. She's, like, been a really good friend to me, an' I didn't see any of that up on the screen.

JODIE: And Michael was over here a lot, talking to me about how his grandmother had passed away, and he got maybe ten seconds total.

JAMIE: (hesitant) Look... I, um, wouldn't feel right if I kicked anybody out.

KEVIN: Well I might -- (cringes a little.) but you guys'd probably just yell at me some more.

DARIA: So it's settled -- no one gets kicked out? (Everyone nods.) And yet no one wants to live together for another three months, correct? (More vehement nods.) So the question is: what's the quickest way we can slaughter this cash cow?

(long pause)

JODIE: (face brightening) I know! We'll just be really nice to each other this next week. We'll help each other out, listen to each other's problems... we'll be so boring, Skip and Ms. Li will be dying to let us out of our contracts.

(long pause)

ALL BUT JODIE: No way.

DARIA: All forgiveness aside, could you really see us sticking with it for more than an hour?

(Beat)

JODIE: (disheartened) I guess not.

KEVIN: Then, like, what should we do, dudes?? All this thinking's, like, making my head hurt.

(long pause. Then Daria smirks wickedly.)

DARIA: I think I know...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (a few days later)

(Normal outside shot of the house at night.)

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) What do you mean you can't get any footage on them?! They didn't paint over your lenses, did they?!

CAMERAMAN: (off screen voice-over) No, it's not that.

SKIP: Then what??

C.M.: It's just... they haven't done anything for days worth filming.

SKIP: What are you talking about?! They were just perfect a few days ago! There's no way in hell they could change so quickly!

C.M.: (insistent) But they have...

(Cut to inside shot of the house. All seven housemates are gathered in the Pepsi room, along with Quinn, Stacy, and Jane. Daria and Jane are snoozing lightly, Jodie's reading, and the rest watch television intently.)

C.M.: (off screen voice-over) They've just been sitting there, day and night, only moving to shower, eat, sleep, and go to school.

SKIP: (off screen voice-over) Why?? In God's name, why?!

QUINN: (zombie-like) Puck getting kicked out of the house.

(Beat)

SANDI: (zombie-like) Fuh-nee.

(Beat)

ALL: Heh, heh-heh-heh, heh, heh-heh...

SKIP: My God, it can't be! Call MTV and make them shut it off!!!

C.M.: I tried, but they said that the Super-duper jumbo-sized "Real World -Road Rules" megathon has to continue for another two weeks, even at the expense of more worthwhile programming. (Bt.) Oh, and they also said sorry they didn't warn viewers ahead of time -- they're bad about that kind of stuff.

SKIP: Oh God, those self-serving IDIOTS!! (Bt.) Well then cut the cable! Cut the power!

C.M.: Sorry, Skip, we've tried everything, but I'm afraid these kids are lost forever.

(We hear sounds of Skip bursting into tears.)

(Beat. Quinn stirs slightly from her zombie-like state and turns to Tiffany.)

QUINN: Were we fighting about something?

(Tiffany shrugs. They continue to watch the marathon.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers.)

DARIA: (smirking) So we finally found something we could all do together.

JANE: (also smirking) And the dirtbags in charge were undone by the vapid entertainment they sought to imitate. Cunning move, amiga.

DARIA: Things're finally back to normal. Being a lonely, neglected outcast never felt so good.

(She gestures at some students who walk past her without noticing.)

JANE: But not for long. Don't they still have enough footage to make a season's worth of episodes?

DARIA: Maybe so, but not if MTV has anything to say about it. As soon as they found out Skip had a rip-off of "The Real World" planned, they threatened to haul his Armani-covered rear into court unless he canceled it. Which he promptly did.

JANE: Geez, voyeurism, lawsuits... is there no sewer MTV won't crawl though?

DARIA: Maybe the one that runs beneath a library.

JANE: Right. But at least that means "Class Land" is dead. Good and dead.

DARIA: And buried.

(She smirks. Just then, Jodie walks up to them.)

JODIE: Hey, you guys. Talking about "Class Land," huh?

DARIA: That, and sources of waste disposal.

JODIE: (making a sour idea) You were right: that show was a bad idea. We didn't get to know each other -- we just got to each other.

DARIA: Hmm, I don't know. (Bt.) In spite of my early reservations, I'd have to say that... (rolls her eyes, grudging) we did manage to come together when it counted.

JODIE: (smiling faintly) Yeah, that's true.

DARIA: And I learned a lot more about what makes people tick than I ever thought possible.

(She cocks an eyelid pointedly at Jodie, who misses what she's talking about.)

JODIE: (nodding) Yeah, like Jamie. I'd've never known he was so upset if he hadn't said so. (Bt.) Too bad he had to shout it out.

JANE: Who's Jamie?

JODIE: (frowning) You know I still don't think Sandi's apologized to him. (Bt.) Do you?

(Pause. Daria shrugs.)

JANE: (sounding a little sour) I've given up on expecting Sandi to apologize for anything she does...

(Cut to shot of Sandi standing at her locker with the door opened, peering at herself in the mirror, so that her back is turned. Jamie comes up rather hesitantly behind her. Sandi feels a presence behind her and instinctively flinches, expecting it to be a camera. But when she sees that it's Jamie, she relaxes.)

SANDI: Oh. It's just you.

JAMIE: I've been doing that a lot, too.

(Sandi nods vaguely. An awkward pause follows.)

JAMIE: Um... (blushes a little) thanks for... writing me that letter.

(Pause)

SANDI: (reddening) Yeah. Well... I thought if I said it out loud, people might think I was being fake, or whatever. (Pause. more decisive) But don't let it get around. (smirks a tad.) I have a reputation to uphold.

(Jamie nods, smiles a bit.)

JAMIE: Okay. (Pause) So I'll see you around?

SANDI: Yeah, around...

(They exchange nods one more time, and then Jamie turns to leave. Sandi watches him go.)

SANDI: ...Jamie.

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

As Daria would say: Ummm......

Okay, so I've caught one or two episodes of "The Real World." : > Actually, my history with that show is as follows: first two seasons I wasn't interested, but when the San Francisco cast rolled around, I got into it. How could I not?? It was a stone's throw away from where I live. After that, I remained interested enough to watch the London cast, and to take note of any patterns that were starting to emerge. Signs of prima donna behavior were apparent as early as the first season, but it reached its absolute peak on "Real World: Miami." That season, plus real life responsibilities, turned me off to the series. After that, I caught a handful of episodes of Boston, Seattle, and Hawaii, but my interest was depleted.

By prima donna behavior, I mean that people went into that show expecting to show off. They had watched previous episodes; they knew how it was done. They were supposed to talk to the camera and sound deep (most of them failing); they were also supposed to pull off crazy stunts, like diving nude into the swimming pool (Hawaii), mooning the camera (London... and other casts, I'm sure), and more. Getting along was not an option. Conflict was, and still is, a priority. I seriously believe that the London cast was the last one to feature semi-normal people. After that, you get the occasionally normal person, and a lot of posers. Most people who audition for the show (judging from the film clips) behave like they want to be actors or models.

Anyhow, Sandi's, Kevin's, and Upchuck's behavior in my fanfic perfectly illustrates what I've been saying. (Btw: "Real World" fans, feel free to argue that I'm wrong...)

"The Real World," as opposed to "Daria," is MTV's baby. Marathons are shown frequently, episodes are on twice a day (when's the last time you were able to catch an ep. of our favorite show??), and merchandising is through the roof. Besides T-shirts, mugs, whatever (easily accessible at a chain store near you, unlike the merchandise for a certain other show), they've even got something called "The Real World Diaries." In that, you see the cast members' handwriting and what was supposedly their thought process during the six months they spent together. I had actually planned a segment where the cast of Class Land learns that they have been merchandised in such a way, but I couldn't fit it in. : 

But anyway, that's the main reason why I decided to do a spoof of "The Real World." What could be a better example of a promising idea (watching strangers learn to get along) being poisoned by greed and interest in entertainment above all else?? Yet also, I wanted to do a spoof because I realized a while back that one aspect of "Daria" that I hadn't covered was its social commentary. I had plenty of character-building fics, but not one that addressed an insidious part of our culture. I hope I did an adequate job here...

That said, this fic was excruciating to write! Many times, my brain felt as though it were being twisted around inside my head. That's because on top of showing what it would be like if the LHS students were in a "Real World" episode, I also wanted to show what it'd be like if they were forced to live together -- what sort of relationships, loyalties would develop, etc. I wanted to do it realistically, and that required walking a fine line between a completely outrageous parody of "The Real World" (which, in my opinion, would only work in a stand-alone, fantasy ep.-type way) and one of my usual character-building fanfics. On top of that, I took a stab at addressing the age-old question: what is "real"? I'm not sure I answered it in any satisfactory way.

I kept feeling as though I didn't develop the conflicts as well as I could have -- Sandi versus Daria, for instance, might have seemed somewhat abrupt. But we could also look at it another way, as illustrating Daria's point that on "The Real World," each "trivial, stupid conflicts gets blown into a crisis." So the Sandi peanut butter thing could be seen as just that. Also, the fact that relationships never got developed as well as they might have could be viewed as another symptom of "Real World"itis: television intrudes too much upon people's private lives, preventing them from doing the little things that need to be done in order to form relationships.

Did that make sense? : >

Well, by the time this comes out, I will have all but completed my two thesis papers and earned my B.A at U.C. Berkeley. I hated that it took me so long to complete this fanfic -- though I did warn you in the postscript of "None in the Family, Part Two" that this could happen. Besides, I have a feeling that #12 would have taken me a while, anyway.

Now see what happened? You all kept saying that I put out a fanfic every other week, and look -- you jinxed me! : >

Points of Interest

For the people who don't watch "The Real World," these might interest you. And for those who watch semi-regularly, they might interest you, too...

The "shaky cam" technique, not to mention abrupt cuts to new scenes and pan-overs of scenery are all mainstays of "The Real World" -- hence, the reason why I chose to mock them. 

The segment which Daria and Quinn watch in the opening scene comes from "Real World: San Francisco." In that particular episode, six housemates finally confront Puck, a super-obnoxious bike messenger, during a house meeting. The result is that Pedro, the housemate least able to tolerate Puck, blows up at him, then gets drawn into a heated argument. Finally, Puck moves out of the house -- but his obnoxiousness lives on in various "Real World" reunion episodes... 

Daria: "'Cause for some reason, this whole set-up seems painfully familiar." That line alludes to Tracy Grandstaff's participation in "The Real World" pilot? Yes, the beloved voice of Daria was actually on TRW! Oh the horror... 

Music playing during scenes is another mainstay of "The Real World." Actually, it's a mainstay of nearly all MTV programs (including "Daria"), but is particularly noticeable on this show. Any time a housemate shows any emotion, the sappy music plays, as if the makers of the show don't trust us to feel for them on our own. In many cases, I tried to choose appropriately cheesy music (like Jewel). 

And I noticed that not all of the music used on "The Real World" dates from this year -- hence, a lot of entries that were several years old.

The parts where students protest their town being filmed comes directly from life. Supposedly, during the past few "Real World" seasons, locals got so fed up with the way the show depicted their cities, they shouted and threw things at "Real World" cast members whenever they went out in public. How's that for a dose of reality?? 

My reference to the students having to work in a nightclub: Ever since "Real World: Miami," cast members have had a little responsibility tossed into their cushy situation. This could involve running a business, or (as in the case of "Real World: Boston") doing community service. The most infamous example of responsibility gone wrong comes from the Miami cast. On top of living in a million-dollar mansion, they got fifty thousand dollars to invest in running a business... and they couldn't do it! Perhaps it was foolhardy of the RW executives to expect them to -- seven strangers who were living together for six months. But still, I can just imagine how many hard-working people looking to start a business would have wanted their prima donna heads on a platter. 

Yes, the reference to "Uptown" is in honor of "Downtown," MTV's other terrific animated show that died before its time... 

Now for some fanfic-related points:

Jane's reference to the Guptys' marriage therapy show: That will be addressed more in my next fanfic...

More on Sandi: Well, she finally did something nice, didn't she? And I said we'd see more activity on her in fanfic #14, and so we shall. : > Let me also add that I realize plenty of people have done Sandi on Daria fics, but it's usually from the angle of Sandi bullying Daria for being an outcast. I thought it'd be interesting, for a change, if Sandi felt victimized by Daria's sarcastic remarks. Taking a cue from the show, I figured that Sandi would be so unfamiliar with Daria's personality that she wouldn't realize Daria was generally a sarcastic person.

Sandi and Jodie: More of their conflict will arise a couple of fics down the road...

Daria: I thought she came across as reflective and rather philosophical in this one. Part of that's intentional -- Our Heroine is getting hit with hard truths that she's been trying to hide from, and she's being forced to think about it more, and to adjust some of her behavior...

And now for... THE MYSTERIES OF

This week's mystery examines why I refer to Daria as raising or cocking her "eyelid" rather than her eyebrow. Well it's simple, really: unless she takes off her glasses, you never see her eyebrows. Whenever she frowns or gets a stunned expression, her eyelids move about. Just watch...

The greater mystery is why that is the case. My guess is that it makes Daria seem even less expressive than if we saw her eyebrows move. Or else it's just too difficult for the artists to show her brows shifting up and down. And yet, if you watch the first episode, "Esteemsters," you see that there, she does have eyebrows that shift up and down. So when and why the folks in charge decided to make a change remains... a mystery.

Oops!

I made a couple of goofs when I honored the fan artists a while back. It's Diana Morgan, not Diane, and Liliane Grenier, not Lilianne. The rest, however, remains as is. : >

Also, I committed a slight error when I failed to credit the source of the "Sick Sad World" gag I used in "Of Absolute Value." The one that had: "Would you want Jennifer Love-Hewitt starring in your movie??" It was an allusion to "Daria: the Movie" by Aaron and Barry Adelman, of course. The funny thing is, I didn't even know they were going to make an actual movie when I wrote that gag, not to mention put it out a week after "Of Absolute Value" was posted. I was just making a reference to their awesome website. So it seems as though I timed my fanfic to plug the "movie," when in fact it was a lucky coincidence!

Now for some Acknowledgements

I have many people to thank this time around! I'd like to start with Mike Quinn for his musical and various other contributions. : > Also, for being the one to take the first step toward putting a Helen fan club into action. When I spoke of a fan club in my last postscript, it was with tongue-in-cheek -- yet it seemed as though many actually were interested in having one. Mike was the first to e-mail Paperpusher (aka Rich aka rich) about the idea, and we're in the process of putting it together. I'll keep you informed!

Also special thanks to Paperpusher for being enthusiastic about the idea and for putting it into action in several ways (such as creating a private group, etc.). There's certainly no way I'd be able to do half of what you've done. : >

And a kudos to Crazy Nutso (aka Bob) for writing a durn enjoyable fanfic called "'Shipper Wars." For those of you who don't know about it, it's mainly full of insider jokes between the 'shippers and anti-'shippers (the latter of which I am a card-carrying member). You may just want to peruse it for a dose of silly fun...

And finally, thanks to C.L. Basso for working so hard to correct flaws in my first eleven fanfics. I think when I've got thirteen together, I'll redistribute them, so those embarrassing spelling errors will be no more! : >

And thanks to the people who've recently put my work up at their sites. It's fun to cruise around the pages and read their summaries...

Aw hell, thanks everyone! You're wonderful! : >

To those people and the rest who have my stuff showing at their web sites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... :-)

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

This fanfic is dedicated to the memory of Lawndale Commons, which closed its doors on December 11, 1999. Those of us who frequented it will remember with great fondness.

Thanks for being SO patient and waiting for over a month for me to put this out. I'm a B.A. richer for it. : > And thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright December 1999. All rights reserved.


	13. Erin the Head

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the baker's dozen thirteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," and "Surreal World." 

I'd give it a 2S...

Let me start off by saying that I hate the title I chose for this episode. I don't usually go for titles that only make sense phonetically. But I since I'm not one to shed titles I've chosen, I decided to stick with it.

Let me also say that this isn't exactly Anti-'Shipper Two. While this has definite anti-'shipper undertones, it is more of an exploration of love and its effects. Well, you'll just have to read it to see. ; > Enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: These are getting so monotonous -- I think I've used all of them twice by now. It's reaching the point where I'll have to start making some up. Hmmmm, how 'bout....... we see half of Daria's face, the way we do on the show's logo. The screen behind her is black, a la "The Blair Witch Project." Daria looks at us pleadingly and says, with none of her usual deadpan, "Help us! We've been trapped inside the TV for almost three years! We're not cartoons, we're people just like you! To Jane's mom, and Quinn's mom, and Helen's mom, and Jake's mom, I just want to say I'm sorry. The project was my idea. I am soooooooooooo scared!"

Okay, that was the first and last "Blair Witch" spoof I'll ever do...

[intro theme music...................]

ERIN THE HEAD byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, evening)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (off screen voice-over) I'd say... Kevin Costner?

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Too old.

JANE: Costner is? Yeah. And his career's on life-support...

(Cut to close-up shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed. They're staring at a bunch of photos, which are positioned in such a way that you can't see who's on them. Jane's gazing at them with amusement, while Daria seems only mildly enthused.)

DARIA: If I must choose which overpaid movie star most resembles my aunt's boyfriend, I'll go with a Fiennes brother.

JANE: Yeah... but Joseph, not Ralph.

DARIA: He's not as attractive as either of them, but why not? (sighs.) At least she's got one of the Fienneses.

JANE: Yep. (Bt) So this is the Joel, hmm? That Amy can sure pick 'em.

DARIA: Mmmmm...

(She stands up and walks over to the chair by her computer, while Jane continues to look at the pictures.)

JANE: Oooh -- Speedos! He looks gooood.

DARIA: (sarcastic) Want the negative? You could use it to make a poster-sized copy of your very own.

JANE: (faux consideration) A poster of another woman's main squeeze -- that does sound appealing in a "Fatal Attraction" kind of way. But nah. (Bt. cocks a brow.) So care to tell me why these've been sitting around your house for two weeks and you never told me about them?

DARIA: What's to tell? (shrugs.) She got back together with him a whole month before these even arrived. They're living together.

JANE: Cool. (eyes Daria carefully, noting her dismal expression.) So why bother to bring them out now?

DARIA: With my cousin Erin appearing on the Guptys' marriage therapy show, today just felt like the right occasion. Why miss the chance to create a big family snugglefest?

JANE: (sardonic) You do so love to get warm 'n' fuzzy.

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: I'd known for a while that Amy had a boyfriend, but until these photos, I'd never thought of him as a real guy. But now... it's... just weird.

(Beat)

JANE: (wry sympathy) Weird in a Tom kind of way?

DARIA: No. (Pause. reddens. blurts out.) Weird in an "everyone has a relationship except me kind of way."

(Pause. Jane looks at Daria with interest. Daria blushes even harder.)

DARIA: Forget it. Strike that from the record.

JANE: Now hold on. (Bt. delighted) Daria, would you happen to be thinking of making another play for Trent?

(Beat. Before Daria can respond, we hear off screen: )

JAKE: Kiddo! The show's about to start!

JANE: Y' know, he's not seeing anybody right now.

(Beat)

DARIA: Whoopee for him. Let's get downstairs.

(She jumps up out of her chair and quickly leaves the room. Jane lays down the photos and follows her, wearing an "I knew it" expression.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (living room, a short time later)

(Shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane sitting on the couch, watching the Guptys' marriage therapy show. The angle is such that we see the backs of their heads and the glowing TV screen. Cut to close-up of the TV screen. We see Mr. and Mrs. Gupty sitting on two of many chairs, which are arranged in a typical talk show fashion. With them are several guests, including Erin and her husband, Brian, whom we recognize from "I Don't" and "None in the Family." The Guptys are in the midst of talking with them.)

MR. GUPTY: (irritatingly pleasant) Little did we suspect that our meeting with Brian and Erin Danielson at a local gas station would change our lives!

MRS. GUPTY: After counseling their marriage back to health, we decided to spread joy and cheer to the other crumbling marriages in Carter County by creating a television show! And the ratings and endorsements we've received these past two months have really shown your gratitude!

MR. GUPTY: Don't forget to eat your Gupty Frosted Flakes in the morning, kids. They're Gup-tacular!

(Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers and Jane. Helen and Jake watch with delight, Jane with wicked pleasure, Daria with her usual deadpan expression, and Quinn with noticeable melancholia.)

JANE: (faux shock) Such blatant product plugs. Is public access television not sacred, anymore?

DARIA: In a country where textbooks double as Wal-Mart catalogues, I'd have to go with no.

(Resume shot of the T.V.)

MRS. GUPTY: And how does it feel to be back with us since our last meeting?

BRIAN: (mumbling) 'Sokay.

ERIN: (bubbly) Oh it's wonderful! I just want to say hi to my mom, who'd be watching if this channel were shown in more than one county, my pal Daphne who's always told me "Erin sugar, you've just gotta go after your little ol' dreams and..."

(Resume shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane.)

HELEN: Ohhh... Erin looks so attractive. We really should pay her and Brian a visit someday, Jake.

JAKE: (enthused) Yeah -- if ever there's a day when you don't have a meeting and I don't have a golf game!

QUINN: (desolate) She's too attractive! Gahhhhd, why does she have to be so perfect?? I feel like such a failure next to her!

DARIA: (to Jane. deadpan) At long last, undone by a female who's even more vain and shallow than herself. Too bad she's also family.

(Resume shot of the T.V.)

JANE: (off screen) And don't she and hubby make the perfect Ken and Barbie set?

DARIA: Hollow plastic heads to boot.

ERIN: ... and I especially want to thank my Uncle Jake and Aunt Helen, whose horrible separation forced me and Brian to come out to Lawndale in the first place!

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, who eye each other uneasily.)

HELEN: (grumbling) Dammit, I'll hear it from Linda Griffin on that one.

(Resume shot of the T.V. Brian's scowling, but Erin doesn't notice.)

MR. GUPTY: Wonderful, just wonderful! And now, if we might ask, do you feel as though your communication has vastly improved since our meeting?

ERIN: Oh yes! We talk about everything, now!

BRIAN: Yep, we sure do. I talk, and she talks... and talks... and talks...

(Erin closes her mouth part way and frowns at Brian a little.)

JANE: (off screen) Whoops. Looks like Ken just sucker-punched Barbie.

MRS. GUPTY: And, um, have you managed to satisfy other areas of your life?

ERIN: Definitely. We have sex every day, sometimes more than once a day!

MR. & MRS. GUPTY: Mmmmmm... ("Whoa.")

BRIAN: Erin!

ERIN: (surprised) What? Why can't I mention it? We do have a healthy sex life, and I think sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship.

BRIAN: Maybe the most important part of your mother's relationships.

(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane.)

DARIA/JANE/JAKE: Ooooooooooh...

HELEN: (outraged) How dare he say something like that about Rita!

(Resume shot of the T.V. Visibly offended, Erin has now turned to face Brian.)

ERIN: What are you saying?? That your mother's better?? That heifer-woman?!

DARIA/JANE/JAKE: (off screen) Oooooooooooooh!

BRIAN: Hey, at least that "heifer-woman" can cook a decent meal and iron out the wrinkles in my shirts, which is more than I can say --!

ERIN: (voice rising) Don't you think I'm trying to do a good job?! Why do you always have to compare me to her?!

MR. GUPTY: (nervous) Kids, perhaps we can discuss this quietly, like rational human beings.

MRS. GUPTY: Yes, give us the chance to heal you.

BRIAN: (not hearing them) Can I help it if she's the kind of woman who chooses to spend every day doing stuff that's useful, while you --

ERIN: What?! Say it!

BRIAN: Do absolutely NOTHING!!

(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. All are completely absorbed except for Helen, who looks distressed.)

HELEN: This is getting out of control. I don't think I can watch anymore.

JAKE: (absently) Yeah... me neither.

(Suddenly we hear a sharp pounding from off screen. Helen turns her head toward the front door. Resume shot of the T.V.)

ERIN: That's not true, you stupid BLEEPhole! If you'd ever bothered to help me out once in while --!

MRS. GUPTY: (now really nervous) Please, children, no need to resort to unpleasant language.

BRIAN: BLEEPhole! Don't call me a BLEEPhole you BLEEPing BLEEP!!

(Erin bursts into tears.)

OTHER GUESTS: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

WOMAN GUEST: You don't have to take that from 'im, girlfriend!

MR. GUPTY: (distressed) We need a commercial!

MRS. GUPTY: But this is public access television, Lester.

(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers and Jane. We hear the pounding again.)

HELEN: (irritated) Well I guess if no one else is going to answer the door, then I'll have to.

QUINN: (absently) Have fun, Mom.

(Helen stands up and walks away. Resume shot of the T.V., where we see that Erin and Brian are out of their chairs and are practically in each other's faces. Erin is openly crying.)

ERIN: Y' know these past few months, I kept wondering if things really had changed between us. Now I know they HAVEN'T!

MR. GUPTY: Oh God... oh God...

(He bursts into tears. Mrs. Gupty leans over and comforts him. Cut to shot of Helen at the front door. She opens it, and who do we see but Erin. She stands there for a few seconds, looking dejected, before hurling herself at Helen and overwhelming her with an embrace. Resume shot of the T.V.)

BRIAN: Yeah, well all this time, I've been sick and tired of your yacking! Yack-yack-yack-yack --

ERIN: Well you won't have to listen to me yacking, anymore!

BRIAN: YACK!

(Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake.)

JAKE: That doesn't sound too good.

DARIA: Nope.

(Resume shot of the T.V.)

ERIN: I'm leaving, you BLEEP!

BRIAN: Oh yeah?? Well BLEEP you!

(Now both of the Guptys are crying.)

(Resume shot of Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Jake. We hear Helen clearing her throat off screen. They turn and see Helen coming toward them, leading Erin, whose face has puckered up at the sight of this last explosion.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (the kitchen, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Erin sitting at the table, her eyes swollen from crying, bearing little of the "attractiveness" Helen, Quinn, and the rest were talking about earlier. She gasps, hiccups, and sobs, gasps, hiccups, sobs. Cut to wider shot. Helen, Jake, and Daria are standing around her. [Jane's gone home -- she took Erin's entrance as her cue to exit, with the promise that Daria would fill her in on all the details later.])

JAKE: (hushed. to Daria) Geez, I didn't realize it was tape-delayed.

DARIA: (deadpan) You thought the censors just had really quick trigger fingers?

(Quinn comes over to the table, holding a steaming mug.)

QUINN: Here's your cocoa, Erin. (sets it down.)

ERIN: Th-tha-tha-nk-k-k-k-k...

QUINN: Um, you're welcome.

(Helen puts a hand on Erin's shoulder.)

HELEN: Now, sweetie, everything's going to be all right. You're with your loved ones, now.

JAKE: Yeah, you'll never have to go near that bastard ever again!

(At the word "bastard," Erin bursts into tears and starts crying even harder. Quinn rolls her eyes. Helen glances at Jake with a weary "We'll have to proceed with caution" expression, and keeps patting Erin's shoulder. Finally Erin takes a deep breath, gets a partial hold on herself.)

ERIN: I r-r-really th-thought he was the one, Aunt Helen.

HELEN: Oh sweetie, we all did.

(As she says this, she desperately tries to keep the corners of her mouth from twitching. Daria can't conceal a smirk. Luckily Erin doesn't notice.)

ERIN: Wh-why do these things happen to me?? Here I am, an attractive and fun person wh-who's good in bed, a-and I end up with these jerks!

HELEN: I know, honey, I know... I know you mean well. It's not your fault your mother's served as your primary role model.

DARIA: So much for sibling loyalty.

HELEN: She's always thought that the best way to behave is to let a man tell her what to do, when nothing could be further from the truth. Right, Jake?

JAKE: You bet, sweetheart!

ERIN: I l-loved Brian, Aunt Helen, b-but now... I don't know, all I want to do is find a really n-nice guy.

HELEN: And you will. Or at the very least, you'll show Brian that you're someone worth appreciating. All you need to do is boost your self-esteem.

ERIN: Boost my self-esteem? But how?

HELEN: Oh, it's really not so difficult.

ERIN: Could you teach me??

HELEN: Teach you? Well I --

ERIN: Please? You're always so good with being assertive.

HELEN: Awww, that's very sweet --

ERIN: And don't tell Mom I said this... (looks down modestly.) but I've always kind of looked up to you. I only hope my life turns out half as well as yours has.

HELEN: Aww... (Bt) Well in that case, I'd be happy to teach you. Stay here as long as you need to, sweetheart.

JAKE: Yeah, hon. Let ol' Uncle Jake set up the guest room for you!

(Daria and Quinn eye each other warily.)

QUINN: Um, just remember that it has its own bathroom, so there's no point in hog-- um, sharing one with me an' Daria.

ERIN: (brightening) Thanks, you guys -- this is so great of you! (to Daria and Quinn.) And I'm gonna love spending time with you two. We'll be just like sisters!

QUINN: (flatly) Great.

DARIA: I'm having fun already.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a weekend, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (off screen voice-over) So? How're things with Barbie? Has Ken come crawling back to her yet?

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen table with the cordless phone against her ear. Split screen to show Jane on the other end.)

DARIA: Nope. But at least she stopped crying about it -- for now.

JANE: (faux maternal tone) Poor thing.

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah, I feel real sorry for Erin. She's living in our house expense free until my mom can find the time to talk to her, which should be never.

JANE: Naturally.

DARIA: She's got the good looks and personality to attract any number of guys -- and to shed them like last season's designer outfits. Which she probably does.

JANE: No doubt.

DARIA: She may be crying now, but come next week, she'll have long forgotten Brian. People like her bounce right back from these types of problems. (grim.) Relationships come so easy to them, they don't appreciate their value.

JANE: (also grim) Yeah.

DARIA: Erin's already recovered enough to go on three shopping sprees with Quinn to buy a new wardrobe.

JANE: Did you say "with Quinn"??

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Yes. They've been trading beauty secrets, shopping strategies, gossip, you name it. You know I thought I'd reached my limit having to put up with one spoiled, self-absorbed "cousin" in my house, let alone two.

JANE: Aww, poor amiga. Well at least you'll get sprung from the joint for a little while today.

DARIA: I'll be over just as soon as I convince my mom to give up the car.

(Cut to full screen. We see Quinn waltz into the room, still dressed in her pajamas. She slides into a chair next to Daria.)

DARIA: (to Jane) I'll see ya.

JANE: Later.

(Daria hangs up. As soon as she sets the phone on the table, Quinn instinctively grabs it and holds it protectively.)

DARIA: Calling to make a playdate with your fashion cronies?

QUINN: (chipper) Erin said she might teach us how to find the perfect smudge-proof mascara today.

DARIA: Sounds riveting.

QUINN: Y' know I was kind of jealous of Erin at first, but these past few days've taught me how cool she can be. I've already learned so much from her. She's kind of like the sister I wish I had.

DARIA: (sarcastic) Aw, thaaanks.

(Beat)

QUINN: (realizing that last bit sounded mean) Um, not that you're so bad, or anything.

DARIA: Forget it. (Bt) Come to think of it, this quality time with Erin hasn't given you much time to study, has it? Since she arrived, I haven't seen you crack a book.

QUINN: (frowning) There's more to my life than studying, Daria. (Just then, her face lights up as she sees Erin come in. She holds out her hand.) Hey, Erin!

ERIN: (chipper) Hey, girlfriend! Ooh, love the shade of your nail polish.

QUINN: Thanks. I figured pink lemonade brought out my skin tone better than tangerine.

ERIN: Good call! You have such great nail polish instincts. I'll have to try that one sometime.

QUINN: Thanks!

DARIA: (to Erin) And hi to you.

ERIN: Oh -- hey, Daria! Sorry I didn't say something earlier.

DARIA: (imitating Erin's tone) No biggie. (Bt) Oh by the way, another swarm of mostly male viewers of the Guptys' show called to give you their support, and said that they'd like to share your pain.

ERIN: How sweet! Um, I don't suppose Brian called, did he?

DARIA: No.

ERIN: Oh. (face falls slightly.) So... did any of the other people say what they looked like?

DARIA: (slightly annoyed) I didn't have time to establish a rating system.

ERIN: No, it's just --

(Just then Helen comes in, dressed casually and carrying several heavy files. She looks at them and gets an indulgent expression on her face.)

HELEN: Ohhhh... it's so nice to see you three getting along.

ERIN: Hi, Aunt Helen! (reaches over to hug her, but pulls back when she sees Helen's too loaded down.)

HELEN: Erin, sweetheart, I'm afraid I'm going to have to postpone our meeting to discuss bolstering your self-esteem -- I've got so much to do today.

ERIN: No problem. In that case, could I borrow your car for the afternoon?

HELEN: Well... I don't see why n--

DARIA: Um, actually, I was going to ask if I could borrow it. Jane and I are going to an arts and crafts fair in Scarsborough.

ERIN: I could drive you there... wherever it is.

DARIA: (resistant) Where's your car?

ERIN: Brian has it. (starts to get a desolate look on her face.) I had to take the bus here.

HELEN: (groaning) If Jake didn't have a golf game...

(At the mention of Brian, Erin's lips have begun to quiver, and whimpers threaten to spill out of her mouth. Quinn and Daria get wary expressions. Helen looks at Daria with an exasperated "Do you want us to go through this again??" Daria sighs, concedes.)

DARIA: All right. She can drive me to Scarsborough.

HELEN: Wonderful -- now everyone will be happy. Don't tell your mother I don't look after you, Erin honey.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (drivin' around)

(Shot of the SUV driving along a residential street. Cut to frontal shot of Erin and Daria. Erin is singing along to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me," and she actually sounds pretty good. Daria seems to think so -- as unenthusiastic as she is to be alone with her cousin, she can't help but cock an eyelid with mild astonishment.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Your Grammy will arrive in eight to ten business days.

ERIN: Huh?

DARIA: Nothing.

(She fiddles with the channels on the radio until we hear "With Them Bones" by Alice in Chains. She and Erin drive along for several more seconds, not speaking, until: )

ERIN: Y' know Daria, me driving you to Scarsborough will give us a chance to talk and, like, get to know each other better.

DARIA: Get to know each other. Right. (Bt) Um, this is not the way to my friend's house.

ERIN: Oh we'll get there eventually. (Bt) So... do you... have a boyfriend?

DARIA: Why yes. He's a wealthy foreign exchange student from Italy. Next winter he plans to fly me out to Naples in his private jet so we can exchange wedding vows.

ERIN: Wow, really?? (Pause) Wait... you're being sarcastic, aren't you?

DARIA: 'Fraid so. People like me don't have boyfriends. We get laughed at by the girls that do.

ERIN: Oh... that's too bad. (Bt. slightly awkward smile.) But it must be neat being a brain, right? You are a brain, aren't you? That's what Mom and Grandma said.

DARIA: Yes, I've been told I fit that description. And aside from daily humiliation and some healthy loathing of my fellow human beings, there's not much I can tell you about it.

ERIN: Oh.

(Cut to shot of the outside. Erin pulls the SUV into a gas station. Resume inside shot.)

DARIA: (frowning) Why are we stopping here? The tank is full.

ERIN: I know. But I think I may've left my sunglasses here when I stopped to get gas.

DARIA: But I thought you --

ERIN: Would you mind waiting here for a few minutes? (turns off the engine, jumps out of the SUV.)

(Fade-out. fade-in to an outside shot of the SUV, sometime later. We see Daria sitting in the front seat with her arms folded, looking as impatient and irritated as she possibly could. Several minutes have passed since Erin disappeared into the gas station store. She checks her watch. Suddenly, from off screen: )

BOY: Hey, it's you!

GIRL: You made our mommy and daddy cry!!

BOY: And you made them lose valuable endorsements!

GIRL: Take that, you big meany!

(Beat)

ERIN: Aghhh!

(Daria turns and sees Erin rushing toward the car, Tad and Tricia Gupty pursuing her with water guns. She can't help but smirk as her cousin hops into the SUV, one side of her body dripping wet, and quickly puts the key in the ignition.)

ERIN: (gasping) Ugh, let's get out of here!

(They speed away onto the street.)

DARIA: So, did you find your sunglasses?

ERIN: Um... no. (gets an uneasy expression.)

DARIA: Somehow I suspected you wouldn't. (Bt) Why would you forget your sunglasses after pumping gas when you supposedly took the bus to get to our house?

(Beat)

ERIN: (wilting a little) Oh... I did say that, didn't I?

DARIA: Yep. Either you have a really bad memory, or something's up. (Bt) In fact, it sort of brings to light this question I've had since you arrived -- why are you staying with us?

ERIN: Huh? I told you --

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Why are you really staying with us? Your mom would've treated you better than we could, and with a little arm-twisting, you could've talked Grandma into buying you a car.

ERIN: Oh, I couldn't ask her to buy me another one... (glances at Daria. sighs.) All right, all right, I'll confess. I did take the bus to get to your house, that's the truth. But... I didn't decide to stay with you just because I totally admire your mom.

DARIA: Well duh. From the moment the words flew from your mouth I knew they were as phony as your press-on eyelashes.

ERIN: Oh. (Bt. insistent) But the reason I'm here does have to do with that gas station. You see, it started when I was on the bus, and I was upset and depressed and wanting to go home to Mother, when suddenly I realized: hey, now I'll finally have the chance to see him again!

DARIA: Him who?

ERIN: This guy I met at the gas station. Back when your parents were separated, Brian and I stopped there to fill up his car, and...

(Fade-out. fade-in to a flashback. We see Erin standing next to Brian's Range Rover, looking really ticked-off -- she and Brian have been fighting. Her gaze trails off sideways.)

ERIN: (off screen voice-over from the present) I was just standing there, when out of the corner of my eye, I see the guy come toward me...

(Pan over to where he is. The screen is hazy, so it's difficult to tell what he looks like, but there's something familiar about his outline.)

ERIN: (off screen voice-over) And he says to me --

GUY: (echoing... yet familiar) Hey, you might want to put on a jacket, or something. It's cold.

ERIN: Thanks.

GUY: Mmmmm...

ERIN: (off screen voice-over) I was going to say more, but then Brian got finished pumping gas and we started arguing again. The next time I turned around, the guy was gone.

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) Back to the sunset whence he'd come.

(Cut to shot of them in the present.)

DARIA: (with some disbelief) So you actually remember someone that vividly with whom you exchanged maybe two words?

ERIN: Yeah. I mean, in that one minute, he showed more concern for me than Brian did the entire time we've been married. (Bt) Besides, he was hot.

DARIA: I see. (her tone is quite skeptical, but the look on her face shows grudging, very grudging, respect.) And you visited the gas station with the hope that you might, by chance, run into him again?

ERIN: Or else maybe find out some stuff about him, like where he lived. (sighs.) I was gonna drive around town looking for him -- that's why I wanted the car.

DARIA: Uh-huh...

ERIN: Guess that was kind of a stupid idea, wasn't it?

DARIA: You could've waited until after you'd driven my friend and me to Scarsborough.

ERIN: Oh... yeah. I'm sorry -- I guess I just wasn't thinking. It's hard, you know, when you think you've found someone to care about. And you want more than anything to hold on to that person and form a life with him and love him and have him love you -- y' know what I mean?

(Pause. Daria gets a skeptical look on her face and prepares a mocking response. But then, slowly, her expression changes to reflective.)

DARIA: (mumbling) I'd like to.

ERIN: But geez, I guess it's hopeless. I'll just drive back to your house and drop myself off. You can have the car.

(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV makes a sharp turn onto another residential street. Resume inside shot.)

DARIA: Okay. But I wouldn't give up just yet, if I were you. What did the guy look like? Did he give you a name?

ERIN: No... but let me see. He was tall... dark... sexy.

DARIA: Which narrows you down to about five people in Lawndale. And one of them goes to high school. Try being more specific.

ERIN: He... um... had this wild hair... and a goatee... Oh, and he was carrying a guitar. Can't believe I forgot that one!

(Pause. Daria gets a stunned expression on her face, as who Erin's talking about sinks in.)

DARIA: Uh-huh. (Bt) Um, I wouldn't worry if I were you. Your knight in shining armor should appear before too long.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. We see the SUV in the driveway. Erin has just gotten out, and Daria has slid into the driver's seat. Just then, from the left, we see a familiar car drive up and stop next to the curb. Jane pokes her head through the front passenger window.)

JANE: (to Daria) There you are. Didn't know if you had the car, so I roped Trent into giving us a lift to Scarsborough.

(Now Trent leans his head toward the window.)

TRENT: (smiling his crooked smile) Hey, Daria.

(Erin has been moving toward the house, when the sound of Trent's voice causes her to stop. She turns around, looks at him.)

TRENT: (seeing her) Heyyyyy.

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Erin and Brian shouting at each other on the T.V.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Friday, on the Ten Spot: When Jodie becomes the victim of racist remarks, someone familiar to us gets accused of being the perpetrator. And Lawndale High tries to come up with ways to promote diversity. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

SEE "The Blair Witch Project"!!! OWN "The Blair Witch Project"!!! No thanks -- if I wanted to see and own something that was overrated, did not stir up my emotions, and left me sea-sick, I'd've bought "Titanic." 

Clinton and school violence: Have you seen the commercial where they have all the little kids share disturbing experiences with school violence, then Clinton comes on in the end, urging parents to talk to their kids? I don't know why, but for some reason, when I see politicians come on TV claiming they're in touch with the concerns of America's youth, it just makes me think of how out of touch they are... 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ERIN THE HEAD

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Jane's house, later that day)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (off screen voice-over) Boy, that was a close one.

(Cut to shot of her and Daria in her room, looking wood carvings, engravings, and other purchases from the arts and crafts fair.)

DARIA: What was?

JANE: That encounter between Trent and your cousin earlier today. Didn't you see the way she was totally putting the moves on him??

DARIA: I believe they exchanged dialogue, yes.

(Fade-out. fade-in to flashback. Trent and Jane have gotten out of the car and are standing across from Daria and Erin.)

ERIN: So you're a musician?

TRENT: Uh-huh. I play in a band called Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name.

ERIN: That's nice.

TRENT: We've been wanting to do it for a long time.

ERIN: Cool. (Bt) So've you ever thought of changing it to something like "Electric Sunrise"?

TRENT: (mulling it over) "Electric Sunrise"? Could be cool.

ERIN: I've always wanted to name something "Electric Sunrise," but I didn't know what. (giggles a little.)

TRENT: I know what you mean. I've always wanted to name something "Frozen Caterpillar," but I didn't know what.

ERIN: Neat.

JANE: (off screen voice-over from the present) I did not like where this obviously sexually-charged conversation was going.

DARIA: (off screen voice-over from the present) You got "sexual charge" out of it?

(In the flashback, Daria stifles a yawn. Jane steps forward.)

JANE: But Trent, doesn't "Electric Sunrise" sound like a name that one of your ex-girlfriends toward whom you harbor bitter feelings -- like Denise or Monique -- would've chosen? [*] see "'Shipped Out," "Lane Miserables"

TRENT: Hmmm... I never really thought about it.

JANE: (off screen voice-over. triumphant) I saved your ass right then and there.

DARIA: (off screen voice-over) How so?

ERIN: Oh... I wouldn't want to give you a name that would cause bad memories.

(Cut back to present shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: How?? The conversation broke up soon after, Trent got into his car and drove home, and he's still yours for the taking. It's a good thing your cousin's so shallow, or else Trent would have sounded a whole lot more interesting.

DARIA: Um yeah... shallow. (gets a slightly uncomfortable look on her face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Erin in the kitchen with the cordless phone at her ear.)

ERIN: Hey... Mom?

(Cut to split screen. It's not Rita, but Jimmy from "None in the Family, Part One" who's at the other end. He's sitting up in bed, his upper torso bare. He looks his usual scraggly and apathetic self.)

ERIN: Mom? Is that you?

(Pause. Then Jimmy groans.)

JIMMY: Do I sound like your mother??

ERIN: (annoyed) Could you put her on the phone, please?

(Jimmy groans again and lazily hands the phone to Rita -- pan over to show only her. She is also sitting up in bed, her exposed parts bare.)

RITA: (to Erin. concerned) Baby, is that you?

ERIN: Uh-huh. (wrinkles her nose.) Ugh, Mother why did you get back together with Jimmy?? He's such a boring do-nothing, no-talent slob.

(Beat)

RITA: (surprised) But he's cute.

ERIN: Whatever. I just called to tell you I'm doing okay. (giggles a little.) Better than okay, actually -- wonderful! Today's the day I went the longest without thinking of Brian. A whole two hours!

RITA: Oh... that is wonderful news! Well I only hope that pathetic jerk is making the phone ring off the hook because he wants you back so badly. Well don't forgive him, baby.

ERIN: (paling... realizing the phone's been quiet) Um... well... uh, I won't.

RITA: Now have your Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake been treating you well? (voice takes on a slightly hurt tone.) You know, baby, you didn't have to stay with them -- Mama would've been more than happy to take you in and help you through your ordeal.

ERIN: Oh, um, that's really sweet of you, and I was actually thinking of doing that, but Aunt Helen --

RITA: (bristling) Oh, let me guess. She probably twisted your arm and pressured you with her incessant talking until you had no choice but to say "yes," right??

ERIN: Um... right.

RITA: That is so typical of her.

ERIN: And I couldn't leave now. I'd feel guilty.

RITA: That's too bad. We could've been gal pals and gone out cruising for guys every night.

ERIN: ("Ugh... 'gal pals' with Mom??") Actually, no offense, but --

RITA: We could've found you someone better. You know, baby, I didn't want to say it, but Brian always reminded me too much of your father.

ERIN: (sighing) Oh Mom, do we have to talk about Dad again?

RITA: Well I'm sorry, I can't help it. That bastard -- I can't believe he just abandoned us the way he did --!

ERIN: (quickly) But that was fifteen years ago, and you've done a great job bringing me up, believe me.

RITA: (more sober) I hope so.

ERIN: Anyway, I met a really great guy today who's nothing like Dad. And (giggles) he asked me out!

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Daria's room, that evening)

(Close-up of Daria.)

DARIA: He what?

ERIN: Trent asked me out!

DARIA: How? We saw him leave before --

ERIN: I know, I know -- but after you guys'd left, he came back. Said he'd forgotten to give your friend something. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go watch him play at this club, whatever it's called...

DARIA: The Zen?

ERIN: Yes!

DARIA: He asks everyone that.

ERIN: (enthusiasm fading a little) Oh. (Bt) But at least it's great he asked me, 'cause I'll get to see him again.

DARIA: Uh-huh.

ERIN: And he's just the way I remember him -- really nice, really considerate, hotter than hell. (giggles a little.) He's got this really cool smile that has "sensitive" written all over it. I know I could be so happy with him.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really?

ERIN: Yeah, I can just see it -- he'd travel on the road with his band and play his crybaby music, and I'd be the supportive girlfriend who he'd dedicate songs to.

DARIA: (sardonic) I don't suppose you had these pie-in-the-sky fantasies when you were dating Brian, did you?

(Pause)

ERIN: Well... (slightly defensive.) maybe I did. But so what? Just because I have the same fantasies doesn't mean they're the same guy.

DARIA: True... but allow me to throw a wrench of caution into your schemes. (Bt) Trent sleeps fourteen hours a day.

ERIN: I could live with that. (Bt) Besides, he won't be that way forever, right?

(Daria shrugs cryptically.)

DARIA: He speaks in monosyllables.

ERIN: I like quiet men.

DARIA: He never changes his clothes. His personal hygiene is highly questionable.

ERIN: So? I could change that.

DARIA: So you say. And most of all, he's not exactly known for being considerate of his girlfriends.

ERIN: That's just because he hasn't found the right one yet. But I just know that once we get together, he'll be a whole different guy.

(Beat)

DARIA: You seem very confident. What makes you so sure Trent is going to change -- or that you could change him? Especially when you just confessed that he's the ideal guy for you right now, the way he is?

ERIN: Oh, I don't mean that by "different guy," he'd stop being nice and considerate. I would just iron out the rough spots on him, so that the rest of him was just as good. I mean, that's what they call the "power of love," right?? The way you can transform someone into something else?

(Pause. Daria pales a little and averts her eyes. She appears to be pondering something.)

ERIN: Daria?

(Beat)

DARIA: (deadpan) Um...thanks for telling me. I wish you good luck on the journey to your new life.

ERIN: Um actually... (makes a move to sit on the bed, after looking at it with some trepidation.) I also sort of wanted to ask you a favor.

DARIA: (wary) What?

ERIN: (hesitant) Well... even though I know Trent and I will be together eventually, he only seems to think of me as a friend, now. I thought... since you know him, maybe you could tell me some stuff about him, ways I can get his attention.

(Pause. Again, Daria wears an uneasy, thoughtful expression.)

ERIN: (more urgent) Please, Daria?? It would really mean a lot to me, and I'd pay you back if you wanted. (Bt) I could take you and your friend shopping for a new wardrobe, or (looks uneasily at the padded walls and bones.) give you... some decorating tips.

(long Pause. Daria still looks thoughtful. Then slowly, she nods.)

DARIA: You're so set on having him, how can I refuse? I'll help you.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Pizza King, the next afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside, where Daria, Jane, and Tom are sharing a booth. Jane and Tom are finishing off a large pie, while Daria is bent over a notepad, scribbling. Tom peers over, then eyes Jane mischievously.)

TOM: Should we ask her what she's writing?

JANE (also mischievous) Again? But wouldn't that be invasive of us?

TOM: Yeah -- it would definitely be disrespecting her privacy.

DARIA: (annoyed) Since when has that ever stopped you?

(She groans, sits up, and pushes the notepad toward them. Jane and Tom examine it with interest.)

TOM: Ooh-la-la... intense. "Look at the way/ They're tearing up the streets/ Look out -- they're turning on their own..."

JANE: (delighted) Methinks these are song lyrics. (Bt) You plan on giving them to Trent?

DARIA: (clipped) Yep.

TOM: Great -- Mystik Spiral could use some new songs. "You're a Liar, I'm On Fire"'s been played to death.

JANE: The man'll be putty in your hands.

DARIA: The lyrics aren't from me. They're from Erin.

(Beat)

JANE: (confused) Erin??

TOM: Who's Erin?

JANE: Daria's ditzy cousin. (Bt) Daria, why are you giving these to her?? These are good lyrics.

DARIA: So?

JANE: So if you don't want her to win Trent over, shouldn't you at least be writing skanky lyrics for her?

DARIA: I doubt Mystik Spiral would know the difference.

JANE: True. (Pause. raises a brow.) Okay Daria, what's up?

(awkward Pause. Daria averts her eyes, then lets them drift toward Tom, who gets the idea.)

TOM: (faux anxious) Oh my -- look at the time! I really gotta get to... wherever I have to go.

(He jumps up and gives Jane a peck on the lips, which she seems to appreciate, but which makes Daria blush with discomfort.)

TOM: See ya, Daria.

DARIA: (half-hearted) Bye.

(Beat)

JANE: Okay, now that we're alone. Daria, if you like Trent, why are you doing your best to set him up with your cousin? Even for you, that's twisted.

DARIA: I just... felt sorry for her, that's all.

JANE: Yes, it's true -- the poor gal's been jilted. But still, for you to be this generous to her, after the way you talked about her yesterday morning, seems very, very strange.

DARIA: (frowning. defensive) Why?? That was before she started telling me about how important it was to find the right guy and have a fulfilling relationship. For once, I actually felt like we saw eye-to-eye on something. (Bt. blushes a little.) I... would like that, too.

JANE: Well great, that makes two of us. But still, I don't know if I completely buy your excuse. There's gotta be something more... (Pause. looks closely at Daria.) Wait a minute... (smirks wickedly.) Daria, you wouldn't by chance be using Erin's relationship with Trent as some kind of vicarious experiment, would you??

(Daria averts her eyes, a guilty expression flickering across her face.)

DARIA: (feigning innocence... badly) Um, I... don't know what you're...

JANE: (satisfied) Ah-ha -- just as I suspected. You're afraid if you told Trent your feelings about him, he'd reject you. But because Erin's pretty, there's no way he'd reject her, especially after you write her these great song lyrics. So they start to date, and you live vicariously through her experiences, without feeling pain and humiliation. Splendid work, Cyrano.

(Beat. Daria's frown deepens.)

DARIA: (sarcastic) Thank you, Dr. Ruth. Though actually, my plan is to watch Erin interact with Trent and find out whether it's really true that love is a transforming experience.

JANE: A what?

DARIA: (reddening) Whether... you become a different person through loving someone. Whether it makes you deeper... or better... or just not who you are now.

JANE: (raising a brow) Hmm, sounds like some pretty heady stuff. What made you think of it, all of a sudden?

DARIA: (reddening even more) It wasn't so "all of a sudden." When I looked through Amy's photos for the first time, the question just popped into my head. It's stayed with me on and off these past two weeks, until my talk with Erin last night really got me thinking about it.

JANE: Hmm... okay. But don't you think you could solve the mystery without risking your prospects with Trent? If you're so scared of getting rejected, you could at least ask someone with experience. Like Amy -- since her photos were the ones that started it all.

(Daria looks down, clearly uncomfortable.)

DARIA: (with unusual fierceness) I don't want to ask Amy. (Pause) If I do, I might find out that love changes you, all right, but not for the better.

JANE: What d' you mean?

(Daria reaches over into her backpack and retrieves a few folded up e-mails, which she hands to Jane. Jane looks them over, smirks, then bursts into chuckles.)

DARIA: (making a sour face) Could she sound any sweeter??

JANE: Hmm-hmm, I'd say she sounds slightly less cynical. (Bt) If I had to wager, I'd guess she and her beau are enjoying a second honeymoon period, and that she'll be back to crusty self before too long.

DARIA: (slightly subdued) And what if she's not? If you thought those e-mails were as sweet as it gets, then you haven't listened to her new answering machine recording. (shudders a little.)

JANE: (taking Daria's concern with a grain of salt) Like candy corn covered in maple syrup, eh? Okay, so fine: you don't want to talk to Amy. So then why don't you just talk to me?

DARIA: You've only just started to date Tom.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) Well Erin would've just started to date Trent, so what's the difference??

(Pause)

DARIA: (with extreme reluctance) Fine. (Bt) Do you feel like a different person since you started dating?

JANE: Geez, who can say? I guess I feel a wee bit less jaded about our whole high school situation. Like, since I've got a boyfriend who's older and more mature, it's easier for me to ignore the jerks who make fun of us in class. Sort of.

DARIA: (mulling it over) So you feel more validated at school... hmm...

(Pause)

JANE: (gently sardonic) Y' know, I think the easiest way to answer your question would be if you went through the pratfalls of love on your own.

DARIA: There's a time and a place for that. Way off in the future.

JANE: Okay. (Bt. irritation creeping in.) So in the meantime, you have absolutely no problem at all with setting my brother up with your cousin.

DARIA: (deadpan) I don't see why you're so bothered by it. You said you wanted to be a part of the Barksdale family.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) I meant through painful and twisted upbringing, not (cringes a little.) as a girlfriend-in-law. I mean this girl's on the rebound from her marriage and looks as though she could just dump Trent the minute she lays her eyes on the first hunky, dull-witted --

DARIA: (defensive) Hey, Erin's not that bad. (Bt) She's even kind of nice... in a dopey sort of way. Besides, who says Trent deserves any better?

(Pause. Jane frowns.)

DARIA: That came out wrong. (Bt) What I meant is that however this shakes up, Trent winds up with someone who appreciates him.

(Beat)

JANE: (sighing) If you say so.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the living room. Daria's lying flat on her back on the center couch, her head turned toward the T.V. She's got a reflective look on her face, and is oblivious to what's on.)

SSW ANNOUNCER: (off screen) Meet immigrants who said they married American women for love -- then sold them into sexual slavery! America or Busts neeeeeext on "Sick Sad World."

(We hear the front door click open and see Erin, Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy come on screen in the background. None of them notice Daria's presence. Cut to close-up of them.)

ERIN: ... And so that's how our fashion club saved the school from the evil Seventies revival!

QUINN/TIFFANY/STACY: Oooh... ahh...

STACY: Wow.

TIFFANY: I hear they even brought back bell bottoms.

ERIN: (shuddering) It was just... horrible. I still get nightmares.

QUINN: (dramatic) We almost faced something similar at our school -- but we counterattacked with pamphlets to all the students which showed just how geeky they would look, and that pretty much snuffed out the crisis.

ERIN: Ooh, that was great thinking! Your fashion club must be really influential at school.

QUINN: Well, I don't like to brag, or anything, but --

STACY: Quinn's a really neat leader! She always knows just how to deal with new fashion trends.

TIFFANY: She's way smart about stuff.

QUINN: (faux modest) Oh, you guys...

STACY: She'd be an even better president if she had more time. But our stupid math teacher makes her stay after school every day and work on dumb homework assignments.

ERIN: (to Quinn. concerned) Really??

QUINN: (suddenly hesitant) Oh... well. I mean he doesn't really make me --

STACY: (to Erin) I always hear him tell Quinn: (deepens her voice in imitation) "Ms. Morgendorffer, you're not allowed to leave this room 'til you've learned how to do the assignment." He never offers to help me that way, and I've got a worse grade than her.

ERIN: Ugh, he sounds like a total creep. But don't let it get you down, Quinn. When I was in high school, I managed to find ways to keep school from getting in the way of stuff that was important to me.

(Cut to close-up of Daria. She cocks an eyelid.)

QUINN: (off screen) Oh, um... I won't.

STACY: (off screen) Ooh, Erin, at the slumber party tonight, will you tell us more about how Trent kissed you and how you plan to make him over when you get together??

(At the mention of "kiss," Daria's eyes widen. Resume close-up of Erin and the F.C.)

ERIN: Sure!

TIFFANY: Cooooooool.

STACY: You're so neat, Erin. Way better than Quinn's weird other cousin.

TIFFANY: Qui-inn, when's her mom getting out of jail??

[*] see "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say"

ERIN: (to Quinn) Y' know, the way you've been talking about her, it sounds like your dad's side of the family is really spooky.

QUINN: Uh... yeah. (chuckles nervously.) Um, let's go upstairs.

(Tiffany and Stacy nod, and the three of them bolt on up.)

ERIN: (calling after them) I'll be with you in minute! (turns, heads toward the guest room, when she sees Daria sitting up on the couch.) Daria!

(Cut to close-up shot of her on the couch. Daria straightens up and looks at her with a deadpan expression. )

DARIA: So how did it --?

(Erin hurries over to the couch and drops down beside her.)

ERIN: The lyrics worked! I went over to Trent's house today and he loved them. Thank you so much for suggesting that I sing them to him!! (abruptly reaches over and engulfs Daria in a hug.)

DARIA: Mmph... mph. (pulls back.) You sing well, so I figured --

ERIN: He said that they were really deep and they had, like, a message and everything. And they were deep -- they were really great. (note of admiration in her voice.) I never knew you were such a good writer.

DARIA: (surprised by the praise) Oh... thanks.

ERIN: Then he asked me if I wanted to be a member of his band! He said anyone who sing the way I can and think deeply would really take it places.

DARIA: (stunned) Member of his band??

ERIN: And I said yes!! So now I'll get to be with him all the time, and he even kissed me! I can just feel him falling for me Daria, I swear!

(Pause. Daria blinks several times, trying to let all of Erin's revelations sink in. Finally she shakes her head.)

DARIA: Um... that's great. So this kiss... um, how did it feel when he kissed you?

ERIN: Wonderful! Like, I don't know, explosions and everything. I felt like I wanted him to kiss me forever.

DARIA: (blushing) Oh...

ERIN: Just imagine if he'd kissed me on the lips!

(Beat)

DARIA: The lips?? (Bt) Where, exactly, did he kiss you?

ERIN: On the cheek. But that didn't matter -- I know the meaning of a kiss when I feel it, and there was no mistaking his meaning.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Oh really? (slightly disappointed.) At the risk of raining on your parade: how do you know you're not jumping to outrageous conclusions?

ERIN: (puzzled) What d' you mean?

DARIA: How do you really know he kissed you out of infatuation? A kiss can mean many things -- friendship, respect, and in some cultures, a way of greeting. How d' you know his kiss wasn't to thank you for a job well done?

ERIN: Well I... I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it for any of those reasons. (Bt) But why are you so interested, all of a sudden?

DARIA: Because... if you're so set on having a fulfilling relationship with this guy, you'd better make sure he feels the same way about you as you do about him. Otherwise, you're liable to build up grandiose fantasies about what your life could be like with Trent, only to watch them inevitably self-destruct when you learn that he just wants to be friends. (Bt) You'd be spared a lot of pain and misery if you just kept your eyes open to reality instead of fantasy.

(Pause. Erin gazes at Daria incredulously for a few seconds, then bursts out laughing.)

ERIN: Wow, you sounded so mature when you said that. Just like Nora.

(She hops up off the couch and dashes toward the kitchen. Daria gets up slowly and follows her.)

DARIA: (sardonic) I realize rational thought's something you're not too familiar with. (Pause) Who's Nora? An old friend?

ERIN: (looking over the fruit for something to choose) No, she was my singing coach at Northern U.

(Daria cocks an eyelid.)

ERIN: She gave me some big lecture about how I shouldn't throw away my volleyball scholarship and give up the chance to sing, like at the university or professionally or whatever, all just because I'd met some guy. Well Brian wasn't just some guy! I mean he came along when I was feeling depressed and lonely and filled this huge void in my life. I was so sure it was going to work out between us, and we got married -- well you know, you were there -- but he wasn't some guy.

(Beat)

DARIA: So you dropped out of school because of Brian??

ERIN: Uh-huh. School was great and all, but being married and going to college would've been way too complicated, so you have to pick what's more important to you so I went with marriage, naturally.

(Beat)

DARIA: And your mother wasn't upset?

ERIN: (nonchalant) Oh no -- my mom's been cool with whatever I do ever since Dad left us. She knows I'll do the right thing.

DARIA: (sarcastic) Oh I'm sure. Her daughter throws away an education to become the happy homemaker. I'd be "cool" with it, too.

ERIN: (missing the sarcasm) Anyway, it's been great chatting with you, but I gotta get upstairs -- your sister will be wondering where I am.

DARIA: Okay, fine. But one last thing: (cocks an eyelid) tell me more about this singing career you might have had.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Daria's room, later that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting in her room, enjoying some rare interrupted minutes on the phone [with Erin and Quinn in the house, phone time's been difficult to muster]. Jane's on the other end.)

DARIA: (deadpan) She said she'd won some singing contests back when she was a kid. One of them was state-wide.

JANE: (from the receiver) Impressive.

DARIA: It's sure as hell something my mom never told us. I doubt she wanted to revel in one of my Aunt Rita's successes.

(Cut to split screen with Daria on the right, Jane on the left.)

JANE: Ah, sibling rivalry takes a few more casualties.

DARIA: Then in college, she had this singing coach who was connected to a couple of music producers. Told Erin that if she worked hard enough, she might break out someday.

JANE: Do you believe it?

DARIA: Who can say? But as it turned out, she never even tried. Once she met Brian, she gave up singing for good.

JANE: Ahh, trades her talent for an ingrate. The old story. (Bt. turns more serious.) Y' know Daria, that reminds me: I've gotta apologize for acting a wee bit snobbish toward your cousin yesterday.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Snobbish? You?

JANE: (rolling her eyes) Yes, yes, sisterly protectiveness reared its ugly head. But although she may be lacking in the mental department, the girl can sing. I listened to her on some tapes that Trent made -- she even made "Ice Box Woman" sound good.

DARIA: And now she gets to show off her stuff in a band. (makes a sour expression.) And the only thing she cares about is how it brings her closer to Trent.

JANE: (a tad uneasy) Yep. They'll be spending a lot of time together.

DARIA: I'm starting to really regret having set them up.

JANE: (more uneasy) Yeah... you should. (Bt) I spent some time watching Trent play the tapes. He played them over and over again... and he really seemed to like them, if you know what I mean.

DARIA: So what you're saying is...

(Beat)

JANE: If you hoped to get together with Trent... you may have missed your chance.

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Trent, Erin, Daria, and Jane in front of the Morgendorffers' house.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Digimon: Good lord, what is that?! America has just learned how to accommodate the Pokémon craze, and now we have to deal with cheap knock-offs??! It may just be the straw that breaks parents', and marketers', and anyone else who doesn't love these toys, backs... 

Those commercials where they advertise the special pillows, mattresses, etc for back, neck, and shoulder problems. Contrary to what they say, those things just look so darn uncomfortable to me... 

Dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.com, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, dot.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM, DOT.COM!!!!!! 

Ahh, now that you've repeated it enough times, it's all out of your system. And you'll realize that far from being The Future, the online retailers usually don't offer you much more than what you could buy from a real store. Well, maybe except for the Daria books...

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ERIN THE HEAD

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Quinn in the bathroom, looking very weary and annoyed. She's leaning on her elbows against the counter, staring at herself in the mirror.)

QUINN: (to herself) Trent-Trent-Trent alllllllll evening. You'd think that was, like, the only freaking topic in the world worth talking about! Well it's getting old so let's drop it for five minutes, o-kaaaay??

(She doesn't notice that Daria's just come in to get a drink of water.)

QUINN: (mimicking the others.) Oh nooo, we wanna hear about how Erin's gonna make Trent over a million different ways, and what their wedding's gonna be like an' what their kids will be like -- (sees Daria.) agh!

(Beat)

DARIA: (smirking at her discomfort) So Cousin Erin's getting to you, is she?

QUINN: Um, no. (Bt. mumbles to herself.) Just the parts of her that go off on some stupid guy like there's no tomorrow.

DARIA: (with some satisfaction) Guess that means construction of the Erin Chambers Fan Club Center will be postponed indefinitely. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)

QUINN: (glaring at her) Hey, I still think Erin's cool in every other way, an' I still wish I could be more like her.

DARIA: Even when she tells you to forget school and the stuff you're good at besides shopping and dating?

QUINN: Oh God, this is gonna turn into one of those lectures, isn't it? Where you, like, tell me I'm not living up to my geek potential??

DARIA: (deadpan) Bingo.

QUINN: Well I'm doing the best I can, okay?? I'm doing that stupid after-school math stuff, aren't I??

DARIA: True.

QUINN: God, whenever you bring this up, you sound just like Mom.

(Daria shudders.)

DARIA: You just spoke the most hideous sentence in the English language. (Bt) Okay, I'll leave you alone. But would you promise to do me one favor? Remind yourself that you've got natural talent. And keep reminding yourself.

QUINN: (annoyed) All right, Mom.

(Daria smirks a wry "My work here is done," takes a swig of water, and leaves.)

(Cut to shot of the bathroom door as seen from the outside. We see Daria coming out just as Helen, as if on cue, comes rushing past. She's carrying a large, covered object.)

HELEN: (rushed) Daria, would you ask your cousin to come downstairs? Dad and I want to have a little chat with her.

DARIA: Sure.

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (living room, a short time later)

(Cut to shot of the couches. Jake is sitting on the right-hand couch, reading a newspaper. Helen is at work on another multimedia sculpture. We see Erin dash over to them.)

ERIN: Aunt Helen, you wanted to see -- aghhhhh! (cringes when she lays eyes on the sculpture.)

HELEN: Shhh, Erin honey, it's all right.

JAKE: Yeah -- it's just one of your aunt's crazy sculptures!

(Helen turns to look at him, frowning a little at his choice of words. Meanwhile Erin nods and tries to compose herself. She timidly slides over onto the left-hand couch.)

ERIN: It's, um, really... neat, Aunt Helen. What's it supposed to be?

(Pause. Helen looks it over, frowns, then shakes her head.)

HELEN: I don't know. (Bt. cheery) Oh, but Greg, my instructor, urged me to try more wood in this one, so you see how I've lined the base with bits of carving? (taps the area to which she's referring.)

ERIN: (humoring her) Um, uh-huh.

HELEN: He said it was important that I strive to live up to my creative potential. And see, now, Erin sweetheart, that's exactly what I've been wanting to talk with you about. Which is why I decided to forego my art class and put aside the one evening a week that isn't work-related so we could have a serious discussion.

ERIN: Thanks for scheduling me in.

HELEN: No problem, hmm-hmm.

ERIN: But I don't think I need you to help me with my self-esteem, anymore. I met this guy who's really nice and treats me real well and I think he loves me. So I've been feeling a whole lot better about myself.

JAKE: That's great, honey! (gives her a thumbs up.)

HELEN: Don't need help with your self-esteem?? Why that's absurd. (tries to keep the resentment out of her voice, but dammit -- she missed her art class for this!) You don't think falling in love with another boy is going to solve your problems, do you??

ERIN: (surprised) Well, I... thought that's what my problem was: that I didn't know anyone nice.

HELEN: (firm) Erin, honey, until you boost your self-esteem, you're never going to meet someone who's really nice. All you'll get are boys who see a pretty, naive girl whom they can take advantage of.

ERIN: (looking worried) Really?

HELEN: Yes, really. Nice boys want someone who's strong and confident, who shows inner depth and experience.

ERIN: Oh.

HELEN: But don't worry, honey, you'll get there. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I know the best way for you to correct your problem.

ERIN: (face brightening) Really? What??

HELEN: (briskly) By going back to school and earning your degree. With a degree under your belt, you'll know that you're an accomplished, interesting young woman who's got a lot of value. And if you know it, the boys will, too. You'll be much more likely to attract someone who wants you for yourself rather than for some prehistoric image of what he thinks a woman should be.

ERIN: (subdued) Oh. (She still looks worried, and starts recalling the conversation she had with Daria earlier.) But are you sure nice guys won't want me unless I'm college-educated? I thought --

HELEN: (raising a brow. gentle, but somewhat condescending) Honey, think of what's happened to your mother. Or think of Brian -- now did he try to respect you for who you were?

ERIN: No. (Pause) Aw, but Aunt Helen, I don't know, I mean college just isn't for me --

HELEN: Well then think about my life. You said you wanted your relationship to be like mine with Uncle Jake, didn't you?

ERIN: (face brightening) Oh, definitely! I think it's great the way you two've managed to stay together for so many years.

HELEN & JAKE: (flattered, as when Erin made a similar compliment in "NITF/1") Awwww...!

ERIN: And even when you two separated, it was only for a couple of days. (face falls a little.) When my parents split up, it was, like, the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel like I've spent half my life trying to make up for it.

HELEN: Well look, don't think I just rushed into marriage. First I went to college, where I lived on my own, filled my mind with all sorts of interesting and meaningful ideas, got involved --

JAKE: (chuckling) Experimented a little...

HELEN: (chuckles uneasily) Yes, hmm-hmmm... experimented a little. With life. (frowns at Jake, before returning to Erin.) Then I paid my own way through law school because my father disapproved of my lifestyle choices... although he thought nothing of buying Rita a Mustang even though her sins were about ten times worse than any I --! (catches herself just in time. chuckles again.) But anyway, through my experiences with school, I strengthened my character and became a far wiser and more thoughtful person than if I had never gone at all. And by the time I was ready to marry, your Uncle Jakey was waiting for me.

JAKE: (beaming) You bet I was.

HELEN: (to Erin) If it happened to me, it can surely happen to you. Now if you have some time, I have a few college brochures that you may be interested in... (reaches down, picks up a briefcase on the floor.)

ERIN: But Aunt Helen, I still don't know if I need to go back to college. (Bt) The guy I like already thinks I have inner depth and life experience, or whatever.

(Pause. Helen sets down the briefcase and she and Jake exchange flabbergasted looks. "Erin -- inner depth??")

JAKE: How??

ERIN: (quietly) He, um... he thinks I can write song lyrics.

HELEN: He does?? (Pause) Well... how nice.

JAKE: Yeah, Erin, that sounds really neat.

HELEN: Well, it may not be college, but it's a step in the right direction, at least. As long as a man thinks you're interesting, he's far more likely to appreciate you into old age.

JAKE: Yeah, look at us -- I'm still learning new stuff about your Aunt Helen. There hasn't been one dull moment around here since she started her sculpting class.

HELEN: Yes, that's right! (Pause. frowns) Hmm, what exactly do you mean, Jake?

JAKE: Oh, nothing! (Pause. chuckles uneasily.) I'm not saying your sculptures are bad -- far from it! It's just been interesting to watch you try to make them.

ERIN: Well anyway, thanks you guys. You've really... cleared up a lot of things for me.

HELEN: (not hearing her. to Jake, an edge in her voice) Sort of like it's been interesting to watch your attempts at cooking.

JAKE: (getting irritated) What d' you mean "attempts"??

ERIN: (standing up) Anyway, I gotta get back upstairs. I'll see you later...

(Still frowning from anxiety, she leaves as their fight picks up.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lane residence, afternoon, a couple of days later)

(Shot of the outside. We hear the heavy thuds of rock music being played. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing in the basement, watching Mystik Spiral play the song Daria wrote lyrics for. Erin and Trent are singing [and if it makes no sense, that's because the song is chopped up for the sake of length!])

ERIN & TRENT:  
What do you do  
When the world comes tumbling down??  
Where do you go  
When nuh-thing's the sa-a-aame?

(As they sing, Daria observes them, frowning mildly.)

DARIA: (thought VO) So could it be what Jane said is true? Trent's starting to go gah-gah for Erin?

(Close-up shot of Erin and Trent from Daria's POV.)

ERIN & TRENT:  
Look at the way  
They're tearing up the streets.  
Look out --  
They're turning on their ohhhhhhwn...

(As Erin sings, she creeps closer and closer to Trent, until they're practically touching. Trent appears so consumed in the song, he doesn't notice. Cut to close-up of Daria.)

DARIA: (thought O) Nope.

(Resume shot from her PO. In the midst of singing, Erin turns toward Trent and makes gestures to suggest that she wants him to look at her. Trent doesn't.)

DARIA: (thought O) He's too dense to want her, and she's too dense to know it. They make the perfect couple, all right.

(Cut to wide shot, showing Daria, Jane, and all of Mystik Spiral.)

ERIN & TRENT:  
It's too late  
To go back to be-gin-dings.  
It's too late  
To hide out from what's true.  
You already know  
You have nowhere to go.  
'Cause no one's gonna take good care of you.

You are alone, alone, alone  
You are al-one!!!! (they bow.)

JANE: (clapping) Who-hoodoo!! Excellent, my friends, excellent. And for once, I'm not just saying that to preserve your fragile egos.

TRENT: (crooked smile) Thanks, Jane.

MAX: (pumping a fist) We're gonna ROCK at the Metreonopolis and then BURN the place down, maaan!!!

JANE: (cocking a brow) The what?

TRENT: The Metreonopolis is a major new club -- in the place where Cafe Lawndale used to be. (vaguely proud.) All the bands in Carter County would eat each other for the chance to play there, but it's gonna be us this Friday night. (looks at Erin, cocks a brow admiringly.) Thanks to you. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)

MAX/NICK/JESSE: Yeeeeeeah! (victory chant.) Whoo-whooo-whooo-whooo-whoooooo!!!

NICK: I always knew cool stuff would happen to us if we got a chick on board!

MAX: Hey, I knew it first, man!

ERIN: (blushing from the praise) Aw, thanks, Trent...

(Trent smiles at her, then turns in the opposite direction to talk to Jesse.)

TRENT: We're gonna have to work real hard if we wanna be ready in a few days...

(As Trent continues to make plans, Erin gets a look of disappointment on her face that he didn't respond to her more. Then she tries to hide it. Cut to close-up of Daria watching.)

DARIA: (thought VO) I shouldn't feel sorry for her. It's her life, and her right to screw it up however she pleases. I can't protect her from the truth.

(Cut to wider shot. Nick and Max approach Erin.)

NICK: A hot chick like you gives a little class to our act, ya know what I mean?

MAX: Hey quiet, Nicholas! Quit slobbering all over Erin! For someone who thinks he knows class, he sure doesn't got much himself. Right, Erin??

NICK: Shut the hell up, Maxwell!

MAX: Why don't you make me, Nicholas?! (Bt) Hey Erin, you want a guy with real class --

JESSE: (interrupting) Would you children cut it out?? It's obvious none of you could hang with Erin. (turns to her.) If you want a real man, look no further than here. (points to himself.)

MAX & NICK: (outraged) HEY!

(Meanwhile Daria's watching and frowning darkly with envy.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Yes. Shouldn't feel sorry for her.

TRENT: Chill, you guys.

(Erin looks at him and gets an adoring expression once again, thinking that he's staking his own claim.)

ERIN: Yeah. That's really sweet of you three, but I'm looking for someone a little more... mellow. (glances at Trent, who blinks sleepily.)

(Jane rolls her eyes and leans over toward Daria.)

JANE: (hushed) So do you ever plan to tell Erin to back off Trent?

DARIA: (deadpan) I'll get to it eventually.

(Jane groans.)

JANE: Y' know, Daria, regarding your scheme to get Erin and Trent together so you can observe what it's like to be in love, there's just one thing I still don't get.

DARIA: What?

JANE: Why you think you can learn anything from her. I mean look at her, Daria -- she's nothing like you. She's a sweet, naive, disturbingly perky puppy dog, while you're a stoic, cold-hearted, man-eating shark.

DARIA: So I'm sharper-edged than she is. Even major lab experiments have some margin of error.

JANE: Well I just think you're erring big if you think all people in love act the way your cousin does. I mean she's... (stops. looks carefully at Daria.) Unless of course you wanted her to act differently from you.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Excuse me?

JANE: Ooh, ooh... I'm getting it now. (Bt) If you see Erin acting all giggly and goofy around Trent, you can conclude that love turns normally sane people into mushy-headed fools, and therefore convince yourself once and for all that it's not worth the risk. Am I right?? (smirks with satisfaction at Daria.)

DARIA: (frowning) Were you by chance a radio psychologist in a previous lifetime?

JANE: Daria, this is getting old. You have to be willing to approach Trent sometime -- at least so credit can be given where it's due. (gestures at Trent and Erin.)

TRENT: (to Erin) Say, you think you could put together another song by tomorrow night? You, me, and the boys could try to have it down for the gig.

(Beat. Erin averts her eyes briefly, blushing a little with guilt and discomfort before responding.)

ERIN: Oh... sure. Sure I could.

JANE: (loudly enough for Trent to hear) Gee, Daria, didn't you write some lyrics just a couple of days ago that were really similar to the ones they were singing??

(Erin gets a panic-stricken look on her face. Trent eyes Daria with interest.)

TRENT: Wow, you did?

JANE: Yep. She sure did.

(Trent glances at Erin. Erin looks at Daria with a pleading, desperate expression. Daria cocks an eyelid -- she's reluctant to lie, because she senses it would do more harm than good. But one more look at her cousin's desperate face, and: )

DARIA: (slowly) No. I didn't.

(Jane frowns with exasperation. Why didn't Daria go with this opportunity?? Trent looks confused for a moment, but then shrugs his shoulders. Erin's face relaxes, and she laughs weakly.)

ERIN: Yeah... she gave me some ideas... if they seem the same th-that's why... (Pause. sees Jane's skeptical face and Daria's deadpan expression, and finally wilts.) Aw, I can't keep lying about this. These are Daria's lyrics. She wrote the song.

(Trent looks confused again, and turns his attention to Daria. She, herself, is stunned that Erin would risk her prospects with Trent by confessing. Finally she shrugs affirmatively.)

TRENT: Daria's lyrics, hmm? (closes his eyes thoughtfully.) Hmmmm...

ERIN: T-Trent?

(Trent remains silent, with his eyes closed and a mild frown upon his lips. He's in a meditative trance, pondering the new turn of events, but Erin thinks that he's so angry he can't even look at her. She starts trembling a little and moves toward the basement stairs.)

ERIN: I-I'm sorry... I-I should really... go....

(She dashes up the stairs and is out the door before anyone can react. When she realizes what happened, Daria gets a faintly regretful look on her face. Trent opens his eyes, looks up with astonishment.)

TRENT: Whoa. Why'd she do that?

NICK: Dammit, Trent, you scared her away!!

JESSE: Maybe it's just her time of the month, or something.

JANE: (also with faint regret) Geez, I was hoping she wouldn't take it so hard.

DARIA: (deadpan) Jane, I want you to know something. (Bt) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.

(Jane gazes at her for several seconds with a dumbfounded expression. Then finally she rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)

JANE: (exasperated) Well now you tell me!

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, early evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria, having just come through the door into the living room. She walks into the center of the room and stops. Makes a motion toward the guest room, as if she's thinking of walking over to it, but then stops again. What if she finds Erin crying her eyes out?? She doesn't want to be in a position where she'd have to console her. Instead, Daria goes upstairs. fade-out.)

(Fade-in to shot of her sitting on her bed, the phone in her lap. Slowly she picks up the receiver, sees there's a dial tone. She dials Amy's number.)

DARIA: (thought VO) You're the one who started this whole thing. You're the one who can help it make sense to me.

(She waits until the phone rings four times, then rolls her eyes at what's obviously coming next -- the answering machine recording. A male voice comes on first -- Joel's. His voice is faux deep and gloomy, like a mortician's.)

JOEL: You have reached the residence of Amy Barksdale. Alas, poor Amy cannot take your call, for she is no longer with us. She has suffered a ghastly, horrrrrrrific death, and -- (Suddenly we hear a faint sound on the recording.) Wait, what's that??

FEMALE VOICE: (low moaning) Ughhhhhhhh...

JOEL: (faux shock) Amy? Is that you??

AMY: UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

DARIA: (thought VO) God, you two are the worst actors to emerge since Adam Sandler hit the big screen.

JOEL: Good lord, she's risen from the dead! She's... she's... (suddenly bursts into chuckles and is unable to finish his sentence.)

(Pause)

AMY: (in her normal voice) God dammit, you wrecked the... (starts chuckling, too.)

(Daria rolls her eyes as the uncontrolled chuckling ends with the answering machine's beep. She starts to put the phone back on the hook, when suddenly we hear a click on the other end.)

AMY: (rushed) Hello??

(Pause. Daria lays the phone against her ear once again, shocked by the sudden response. She tries to collect her thoughts.)

AMY: Hel-loh-ohhh?

(Daria's about to respond, when we hear another click and the rapid pressing of buttons, accompanied by husky breathing and sniffles.)

AMY: Who the hell is this??

ERIN: (from another receiver. husky) Aunt Amy?

(Pause)

AMY: (stunned) Erin? (Bt) Oh... hi.

(Daria can't help but smirk at the discomfort Amy must be feeling. Cut to shot of Erin sitting in the Morgendorffer's kitchen, huddled over the cordless phone, her eyes bloodshot from crying. Split the screen to show Amy on the left. She's lying on her stomach on the couch, looking pretty much the way she did in "Through a Lens Darkly." As Daria anticipated, she's wearing an uncomfortable frown -- Erin's not exactly her "favorite niece.")

ERIN: Wow (sniff), I never thought I'd get a chance to hear from you.

AMY: (sort of mumbling) Yeah, well... your Aunt Helen told me you were staying here, so...

ERIN: I thought you hated me because I broke your Led Zeppelin records when I was three.

(long Pause)

ERIN: Aunt Amy?

(long Pause)

AMY: (through clenched teeth) Oh-ho, no... I'm completely over that. (Bt) So what's up?

ERIN: Oh gosh, I don't know (sniff). I don't know where to begin. (heaves a sob.) I mean everything was fine -- great in fact -- but now I'm just getting so confused, and maybe you could help me 'cause I don't know who else I can turn to and I was gonna call one of my girl friends but I don't think they could help me and I already --

AMY: (looking confused) Okay, okay. Just slow down -- I can barely follow you.

ERIN: All right. (big sniffle, sob.) It's just I met this g-g-guy and it s-seemed as though we were really hitting it off and he was falling in love with me --

(Amy cocks her brow in an "Oh I'll bet" manner.)

ERIN: -- but he just found out that I didn't write these song lyrics, so now he no longer thinks I'm deep and he probably thinks I'm a big liar, too -- even though I only wanted to get his attention with them, I wasn't going to pass myself off as the writer forever --

AMY: (gentle-firm, trying to get her to slow down) Erin.

ERIN: -- and I would've told him sooner if Aunt Helen hadn't said that nice guys only date deep girls a-and this guy's so nice and I didn't want to lose him. (sniffle, sob.) The only other option was if I went back to college like Aunt Helen suggested, but I don't think I could. I would if I were as smart as Daria -- but I'm not! (big sob, starts crying harder.)

(Beat. Amy looks stunned that someone like Erin would compliment someone like Daria. Her chilliness toward her least-favorite niece thaws ever so slightly. At the same time, she's picked up a faint, suppressed gasp not coming from Erin's end. She half-smirks upon realizing that there's an eavesdropper on their conversation.)

AMY: Look, Erin, you have to buck up. You can't burst into tears every time life hands you a problem. There'll be a lot of them throughout your lifetime, so you'd better learn how to handle them.

ERIN: (deep breath, sniffle) Okay.

AMY: Now what is this you said about going back to college?

ERIN: (sniff, sniff) Aunt Helen said that's the only way I can become deep and life-experienced enough, or whatever...

(Beat)

AMY: Uh-huh. I see. (smirks.) Hmm, sounds like another one of those times when Aunt Helen is one-third right, two-thirds wrong.

ERIN: Huh? What do you mean?

AMY: Just consider this my personal opinion . She's right in that most people find their soul mates when they're mature enough to know who suits them best -- and that maturity comes after years of life experience. But she's wrong to make you think the only way you can get that experience is to blow a hundred grand on an education.

ERIN: Well then how else do I get it?

AMY: (suppressing a chuckle) Try through living. (Bt) Look, thousands upon thousands of people who never went to college still became very wise through years of trial and error. You aren't a loser just because you don't want to go.

ERIN: (relieved) Th-thanks.

AMY: At the same time, you want my advice? (Bt) Try to let go of that guy you like so much.

ERIN: (flabbergasted) Let go of him?!

AMY: (with mild exasperation) I just mean don't be so hung-up on what he thinks of you. If you're ever going to mature as a person, you really should live on your own for a while. Try taking a few risks, test your personal limits, and see what happens.

ERIN: (confused, slightly annoyed) Live on my own?? But the whole point is that I don't want to be alone. I want a boyfriend.

AMY: (rolling her eyes. frank) Hey, listen, if you live on your own, you may find that you can actually be happy. Then you'll be less eager to go after any half-decent guy to be your boyfriend -- and be more likely to find the right guy.

(Beat)

ERIN: (disbelief) Has that ever worked?

AMY: I'd like to think it's working for me.

(Beat)

ERIN: I-I don't know... I'm supposed to be singing with this guy at a club on Friday.

AMY: (vague interest) Singing, eh? (Bt) Well then at least put the idea in the back of your mind to think about afterward.

ERIN: I... guess I could do that. (Bt) But Aunt Amy: what if this guy decides to ask me over to his house afterward to spend the night? Do you think I should??

AMY: (cocking a brow with amused exasperation) Have you even been listening to what I just told you?? (Bt) Besides, I'm not the kind of person who would endorse going home to sleep with someone you just met, especially after a few drinks. [*] see postscript (Points of Interest)

ERIN: Yeah, I didn't think you would. (Bt) Anyway, thanks for talking with me about this. (Bt) It's made me feel better... I think.

AMY: Good. I'll see you around then. (cocks a brow.) And good luck.

(Erin nods, hangs up the phone, and leaves. Amy leans closer to the phone. [Assume that during their conversation, she's been shifting around on the couch, playing with her glasses, et cetera. This is a long phone scene.])

AMY: You still there, Daria?

(Erin's empty screen gets replaced by that of Daria up in her room, wearing a deadpan expression.)

DARIA: How'd you guess I was listening?

AMY: (smirking) Call it intuition. So did you learn anything from my chat with your cousin?

DARIA: Just that love is a hell of a lot more confusing than I ever thought possible. And that if you're not really careful, you'll wind up with a dud for a boyfriend.

AMY: (groaning) Daria...

DARIA: What I don't get is how we can be approaching the Millennium and still have people like Erin stuck in a Fifties mindset. She's got talent -- why doesn't she seem to care?

AMY: (shifting into an upright position) Who knows? Maybe because not enough people told her she could succeed on just her talent. Certainly I never did. While she was growing up, I'd see her do these cute little talented things, but I was too pissed-off that she'd stolen my mother's love to ever praise her.

DARIA: (surprised by this revelation) Oh.

AMY: Her mom's no slouch, either -- not that I ever told her so. (smirks resignedly.) But maybe it's not too late. So Erin's singing at a club, huh?

DARIA: Yeah, with Trent. That's the guy she was talking about.

AMY: (surprised) Your Trent?

DARIA: (emphatic) Not my Trent, any longer. If I had any doubts about how I felt about him, they were put to rest when he flaked out on the multimedia project Jane and I were working on for school. Now he's just Jane's brother, nothing more. [*] see "Jane's Addition"

AMY: I see...

DARIA: But still, he's a nice guy, and I've received enough knocks to know that nice guys should not be taken for granted. So I figured if I couldn't fully appreciate him, then maybe Erin could.

AMY: (wry) No question about that.

DARIA: (blushing) And since nice guys that I actually could feel something for don't seem to exist in Lawndale, I thought I could learn from watching a relationship between Erin and Trent. Erin and I may be miles apart in our personalities, but love is love -- or so I thought.

AMY: Or so you thought, indeed. (face softens.) But hey, Daria, don't worry: you may not have anyone you like now, but --

DARIA: (grumbling) Yeah, yeah, I heard what you said to Erin. (blushes.) But sometimes it's hard. There are things I want to know right now... (blushes harder -- this is leading up to the stuff she's been planning to ask.)

AMY: (encouraging) Like...?

DARIA: Like whether love, um... (mumbles, she's so embarrassed.) changes you into a different person. (Bt) Well does it??

AMY: Hmm... I don't think so.

DARIA: Oh really? (Bt. slight edge in her voice.) 'Cause from what I've seen from you, it sure seems that way. You haven't been yourself since you got back together with your boyfriend.

AMY: (amused, annoyed) Oh you think so, eh?

DARIA: Yeah. You've been almost as perky as Erin... or Quinn. It's like you've permanently ascended to Cloud Nine. (emphatic.) Well I don't think I could handle that kind of change in myself. There are certain cynical truths I've come to in my life that I don't want undermined.

(Cut to full shot of Amy in her living room. She rolls her eyes in a benevolent "Damn, I've got a lot of explaining to do" way, and stands up. As she talks, she paces the room.)

AMY: (firm) Look, take it from someone who's spent a lot more time with me than you have. I don't feel like a different person. I've been a happy person, true. But believe it or not, happiness is an emotion I'm capable of feeling, and I don't think it's such a crime to indulge in it every so often.

(Cut to shot of Daria. She nods slowly. Resume shot of Amy. She pauses in front of a leather chair which, although nice, seems to clash somewhat with the living room's decor. Looks at it with a thoughtful frown.)

AMY: At the same time, I haven't lost all perspective, if that's what you're afraid of. Cynical little me is there as much as I ever was. And I know for a fact that love isn't about permanent bliss.

(Cut to split screen, with Daria on the right.)

DARIA: Then what is it about?

AMY: It's... about... (strains to think of the right words.) challenging yourself. I know it sounds corny, like something a health-and-fitness guru would say, but it's true.

DARIA: Would you care to elaborate?

AMY: It's... not becoming someone different, but just learning to handle things better. Since Joel and I got back together, he's had to give a little, and I've had to give a little. We've been trying to work out the crazy stuff that caused us to split up in the first place.

(Beat)

DARIA: (slightly subdued) Do you think it's been worth it?

(Pause. For a moment, a conflicted expression crosses Amy's face. Then she nods slowly.)

AMY: Yes, it's worth it. (smirks.) Look, what I said to Erin works for you, too, and it works for me. We as human beings need to open ourselves up to risk, or else we're in danger of missing out on a lot wonderful experiences. Erin shouldn't hide from life behind a guy, you shouldn't be afraid of having a relationship, and I... shouldn't duck away from the difficulties in a relationship. (Bt) The work may not easy, but the fringe benefits are worth it, Daria, believe me.

(Beat)

DARIA: (nodding slowly, looking relieved) Okay, I believe you.

AMY: Good. (cocks a wry brow.) That said, when do you think you'll find time in your busy schedule to talk to Joel?

DARIA: (smirking sheepishly) Depends. Maybe after you've changed the message on your answering machine.

AMY: (chuckle softly) Will do. It was fun for a while -- especially when it nearly gave your grandmother a heart attack. But it's time for something more... normal.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Metreonopolis, Friday night)

(Shot of the outside. There's a large neon sign overhead and flood lights streaking across the sky, suggesting that this is a "happening" place. Cut to shot of the inside. There are several small tables scattered around the room, as well as a stage, a la the old Cafe Lawndale style. Actually, everything looks the same as it did at Cafe Lawndale, except for the fact that the interior bears a techno-futuristic look. Yet for some reason, it seems to be highly valued by the young late teen-twenty-something crowd. The tables, as well as a nearby bar, are packed with people from Lawndale and other towns. Daria, Jane, and Tom are sitting at one in the middle of the room, sipping virgin drinks -- or at least Daria and Jane's are virgins. Mystik Spiral is setting up in the front.)

JANE: (to Daria. disbelief) Didn't want to tell me because he was my brother and you thought it'd hurt my feelings? Please, Daria, you've abused me in far worse ways as a friend. Besides, you know I'd never set you up with someone who wasn't suited to you.

DARIA: (deadpan) Okay. Then it was because I drew sadistic pleasure from watching you try repeatedly to set me up with Trent, and I didn't want it to end.

JANE: Now that's more like it. (Bt.) Although... (wicked and sympathetic.) I think I have yet another reason. Could it be that being with Trent had been a fantasy of yours for so long, you were afraid to let go? Even when you knew it would no longer work?

(Daria does the averting-her-eyes and blushing thing again.)

DARIA: That's it. Your Ph.D in Psychology will be mailed to you shortly, pending your return of overdue library books.

JANE: (smirking) Thanks -- I aim to over-analyze. (Bt. looks up at the stage.) But hey, you know, maybe I'll be wrong about the potential for Erin and Trent to be a couple. (shrugs.) They just might work together.

DARIA: (also looking at the stage) Or at least they might form a close professional relationship.

(Cut to shot of the stage. Erin is perched on a stool, not too far from where Trent is standing. She has a conflicted, semi-anxious look on her face. Both Helen's and Amy's advice swirl about in her mind, and now she's not sure how to behave around Trent. Right now, she's acting as though she's trying not to look at him. Just then, Trent finishes testing the mike and saunters over to her.)

TRENT: Hey.

ERIN: Oh... um... hi.

TRENT: Sorry I scared you a few days ago. It's been so long since we got any new people for Mystik Spiral, I'd forgotten how to act around them.

ERIN: (surprised) Oh... that's okay.

TRENT: Here, I got this for you. (reaches into his pocket, pulls out a guitar pick on a chain, and hands it to Erin.) The guy who sold it to me at a Grateful Dead concert said Jerry Garcia might've used it.

ERIN: (looking at it, awed) Thank you, Trent.

TRENT: It's just for tonight -- I let all first-timers wear it for good luck.

ERIN: (putting it around her neck) Thanks.

(Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom.)

TOM: Hey, wouldn't it be something if this gig was actually the beginning of Mystik Spiral's rise?? If the band actually broke out after this and became a... (sees Daria look off screen and get a mild frown.) What's the matter?

DARIA: I just saw something very disturbing. (points.)

(Cut to their POV. At the bar, lounging on a stool, is Brian [did you really think he'd stay away??]. He's absorbed in polishing off his third beer and in receiving the caresses of a female escort.)

JANE: (off screen) Yeh-oh... the irate husband.

(Just then, as Brian sets down his beer, he notices who is on the stage. After gazing with shock for a few seconds, he pushes his date away and comes charging up to where Erin and Trent are standing.)

BRIAN: (angry) Erin, what're you doing here?!

ERIN: Brian?? (Pause. face lights up.) You came! I knew you'd come look for me! I mean -- (sobers up.) dammit, Brian, we're through! You never once tried to call me this week.

BRIAN: Oh yeah?! Well the minute I turn my back, you're breathing down the neck of some pencil-thin asshole!!

TRENT: (trying to calm him down) Hey, man --

BRIAN: Keep your hands off my wife!!

(Pause. Trent looks at Erin with surprise.)

TRENT: Wife?

ERIN: (to Brian) Not anymore, I'm not!

BRIAN: (to Trent) You punk! You did this to her! Well I'll teach you --!

(He lunges at Trent and swings rather clumsily, easily missing his face. Trent tries to push him away. Then Jesse steps in to intervene.)

JESSE: Hey, chill out, mister --

(Brian swings again and hits Jesse rather weakly on the shoulder. Still, the momentum is enough to knock Jesse backwards into Max. Max looks stunned, then bursts into tears.)

MAX: Oww! That huuuuurt!

TRENT: (to Brian. angry) Hey, man, if you want to pick a fight with me, lay off my friends.

JANE: (off screen) Whoo, you tell 'im, bro!

(Cut to shot of her, Daria, and Tom.)

TOM: Yikes -- things're gettin' ugly up there.

DARIA: (deadpan) I suppose one of us should intervene.

JANE: (nonchalant) Nah. I'm sure those two lads will work it out.

(Resume shot of the stage. Brian inches closer to Trent.)

BRIAN: You shut your mouth, dickhead!

ERIN: Brian!

(She tries to restrain him as he makes another swing at Trent. But the way in which she's holding him back makes him vulnerable to the defensive punch which Trent sends his way. It lands squarely on his jaw and sends him backwards. We watch in slo-mo as Brian falls off the stage and plunges to the ground -- out cold. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom.)

JANE: Ooh... that wasn't good.

DARIA: Nope.

(Cut to shot of Erin and Trent. At first, both of them stare down at Brian in shock. Then Erin turns and looks dazedly at Trent. Trent continues to stare at Brian and rub his now-swollen knuckles. Erin looks at Trent, then at Brian, then at Trent, then at Brian. Finally she gives Trent one last, apologetic look, removes the guitar pick necklace, and hands it back to him. Trent watches as she hops off stage and goes over to help Brian, his face vaguely regretful.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. We see Brian's Range Rover parked out front. Cut to shot of the inside. Daria's standing near the front entrance, just as Erin comes over, carrying one of many, many bags of new clothes. You can pretty much guess what OH is thinking right now -- some pitying thoughts, some sarcastic thoughts.)

ERIN: (bubbly) Isn't it great, Daria? He really does love me and was missing me this entire time!

DARIA: Nothing like a gruesome bar fight to expose a man's cuddly side.

ERIN: And so I don't have to worry about going to college or living on my own to find the right guy, because I've had him all along!

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) You're sure, now?

ERIN: Oh, definitely! And we're going to have a wonderful life together, I just know it!

DARIA: Uh-huh.

ERIN: But listen: thanks for helping me out with Trent. That was really sweet of you.

DARIA: No big deal. Had to unleash that psychotic altruistic part of me at some point.

ERIN: Maybe someday you'll find someone special. (Bt. wrinkles her nose.) But I wouldn't go with Trent if I were you. He's got this wild, dangerous side that I don't think even I could tame.

DARIA: (cocking a droll eyelid) Really?

(Just then Quinn bounds downstairs with a gift for her cousin. Helen and Jake follow soon after from the guest room, carrying the rest of Erin's bags.)

QUINN: Here's an extra bottle of pink lemonade nail polish. I don't need it.

ERIN: (accepting it) Thanks.

HELEN: (setting down the bags, reaching over to hug Erin) Now, Erin honey, be sure to -- (interrupted by honking off screen.)

BRIAN: (off screen) Hey Erin! I can't wait all year!

(The four Morgendorffers frown, but Erin just rolls her eyes with loving tolerance.)

ERIN: (cheerful) Well, my man's calling me. I'd better go!

(She hugs Helen harder, then Jake, Quinn, and Daria. Takes hold of all the clothing bags and heads out the door.)

HELEN/JAKE/QUINN: Bye!/ Take care of yourself!/ Give us a call when you can!

(Daria cocks an eyelid. As the Range Rover heads off, Helen closes the door, looking resigned.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)

(Close-up shot of Daria sitting on the center couch in the living room, looking through Amy's photos once again. This time, she wears a more tranquil expression. After several seconds of looking at one, she passes it to her left. Pan over to show Quinn taking it, looking it over.)

QUINN: He's cute, but he could really use a new wardrobe.

DARIA: (sardonic) I'm sure he'd be grateful to hear it.

QUINN: (frowning mildly) No, he wasn't. (Bt) He just, like, laughed at me, or whatever. He's weird.

(Daria at first gets a funny look on her face when she realizes Quinn has spoken to Amy's beau. Then, when she absorbs his reaction, a smirk plays across her lips.)

QUINN: Hey, Daria? Y' know, it was fun having Erin stay with us, but I'm glad I'm not like her, after all.

DARIA: (now really surprised) You are??

QUINN: Yeah -- I mean it's fun to look good and dress nice so you can go out with guys, but if that was all I ever cared about, I would be soooooo bored. I'm making it my goal to lead a really interesting life.

(Beat. Daria smirks.)

DARIA: Funny, that's my goal, too.

QUINN: (stunned) It is??

DARIA: Yep. And on these rare occasions when we actually agree on something, a moment of silence is required. (Quinn frowns and nods, and there's a ten-second Pause.) Now pass me the phone.

THE END [roll the credits: "Alone," by Kara Wild]

(I think these lyrics stink, and Daria probably thought so, too, when she "wrote" them. ; > The song sort of has a Y2K apocalyptic theme, or whatever. Anyway, here they are in full:)

What do you do  
When the world comes tumbling down?  
Where do you go  
When nothing's the same?  
How can you learn  
The way to return,  
Return to the day you knew your name?

Look at the way  
They're tearing up the streets  
Look out --  
They're turning on their own.  
That's when you know  
You have nowhere to go.  
Better face the fact that you are all alone.

And you wander through the street.  
It's night; your breath chills in the air.  
And everyone you meet  
Won't even take the time to stare.

They all want to go their way.  
They've all got to live their lives.  
The world they're forming from decay  
Is one where happy few survive.  
Few survive...

Each place you go  
You meet with strangers.  
Even the folks  
You thought you knew.  
How do you make  
A clean break from the past?  
Better figure out a plan before you're through.

It's too late  
To go back to beginnings.  
It's too late  
To hide out from what's true.  
You already know  
You have nowhere to go.  
'Cause no one's gonna take good care of you.

You are alone, alone, alone  
You are al-ooooooooone.

(Depressing, eh? Only from Daria... or someone masquerading as her...)

COMMENTARY

This fanfic began with a loony laugh and a "Wouldn't that be funny?!" The insane moment occurred while I was writing the moment in "None in the Family, Part Two" when Brian makes an offhand reference to "Erin eyeing some skinny-ass rock musician in torn pants at a gas station." From that point, I decided to write a rather silly fanfic that would be as much a sequel to "'Shipped Out" as it would to "None in the Family."

As it turned out, the fanfic wasn't too silly. Blame it on my damned tendency to humanize -- I just couldn't make Erin look like too much of, well... an airhead. ; > I realized quickly that if I did, she would grate on the reader's nerves more quickly than Val did in "The Lost Girls" (and I kept praying, as I wrote, that Erin didn't seem too much like Val). I also thought it would make things more interesting; Daria, instead of scorning Erin and attempting to thwart her desires, would take pity on her and even gasp empathize to a certain extent. A lot of the reader's enjoyment of this fic rests on whether you were able to pity Erin even a little. If you didn't... oh well! I tried...

I thought it'd be worthwhile to attempt a fanfic about a member of Helen's family other than Amy, and the more I mulled it over, the more I realized that both Rita and Erin have probably led volatile cartoon lives that would be interesting to document. Of course, we don't know much about either of them. In "I Don't," Erin's few lines point to her being dependent on a man for her self-esteem, and also on her being a potential brat (the way she snapped at Rita about her boyfriend). However, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as far as brattiness was concerned, so in this fic, she comes across more as a grown-up Stacy.

I tried to fit in as many "I Don't" references as possible, including one to Daphne, one of the three bridesmaids. Yet try as I might, I could not fit in an appearance by Luhrman -- although I'd like to think I sort of made up for it with the appearance of Tad and Tricia Gupty. There was also a brief flashback scene I had to cut, in which Helen threw up on the minister. Whoops... I shouldn't've told you that.

Another thing I wanted to do with this fanfic is address some 'shipper/anti-'shipper issues that took place since the posting of"'Shipped Out" in early June 1999. In particular, there's the notorious peck on the cheek Trent gives Daria at the end of "Jane's Addition." Contrary to what 'shippers may believe, the title "Erin the Head" does not refer to her 'shipper-esque tendency to glamorize Trent so much as it does to Daria and Jane's early perception of Erin. But if you think about it, poor ol' Erin really isn't so misguided; she knows that what she wants more than anything is to have a stable, loving relationship, and she'll do what she has to to get one. While I managed to mock some 'shippery things, like the kiss, I realized that it would be foolish to attempt another "'Shipped Out." So instead, I dwelt upon Daria's fear of/longing for a relationship, and of all of the relationships around her.

IMO, the thing this fic does most successfully is display different people's mindsets about relationships: Erin, Daria, Jane, Rita, Helen and Jake, Amy, and even Quinn. In particular, I enjoyed settling the cliffhanger of whether Amy would reunite with her beau. Heck, after a four-fanfic absence, I was just happy to bring Amy back. I hadn't originally meant for her to play such a large role; her appearance in Act Three was supposed to come out of nowhere. But then I thought that her relationship would serve as a nice middle ground between Erin's dependency on men and Daria's resistance to them, and I think the phone conversation tied all three together pretty well. I'll admit that I purposely played up the Daria/Amy "mirror image" thing this time around, to show that Daria identified strongly enough with her aunt to fear that any distasteful changes in Amy could take place in her.

In addition, the purists (whoever you are) may scoff all they want, but I get a big kick out of writing a relationship for the Famous Aunt. ; > Sure, on the show she might be shown as single, or dating someone who is not named Joel, or as a lesbian (which would really make things difficult for me), but for now, we don't know. I guess that places me in the same spot as 'shipper writers, in the sense that their work is based on ambiguity and speculation. And for those of you who may have wondered: I'm not trying to tease you with the question "when's Daria going to talk to Amy's boyfriend?" I just haven't found a smooth way to work him into a plot line. (Actually, he plays a large part in a fanfic I've got planned down the road, but it's a ways down the road, so I won't start dropping hints just yet.) If you want to remember what he's like, just reread "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say."

The weakest parts of this fanfic, IMO, are the bits where Daria hides from Jane that she's no longer interested in Trent. First of all, I don't know if anyone was fooled into thinking that Daria had re-fallen for Trent since "'Shipped Out" -- although I left hints that she might in "None in the Family, Part One." Second, I'm sure to many people it seemed doubtful that Daria would hide something like that from Jane. But then again, Daria and Jane must have some secrets they keep from each other, and the reasons Daria gave for not telling were certainly plausible. I just figured that the mere possibility that Erin was competition for Daria might have added some tension to the plot. Luckily, the entire plot line did not hinge on the mystery; if you were never fooled, you may have at least taken interest in Daria's "Cyrano" turn.

The thing I discovered first and foremost while writing this is that I was trekking across very familiar territory in fanficdom. I wonder whether any of what Daria said in this fic hasn't already been said in a previous one. ; > Maybe that's why I mostly steer clear of shippery stuff; I like to touch on subjects that I imagine haven't been dealt with before. Anyway, as I've said elsewhere, this will be my last D/T-related fanfic. If I want Daria to have a bit of romance, it will be with someone else...

Overall, I'd call this fic decent, thoughtful, but not brilliant. Things got a little muddled in Act Three, I think. And as usual, Act Three was too long for my taste. Ah well...

Now on to... Points of Interest

"Evil Seventies Revival": As I've determined, Erin is 1-2 years older than I am (I was 20; she was 21 in the first Daria year). The revival of 1970's fashions (and yes, it was evil), hit my high school during my sophomore year, so it would have stricken while Erin was in high school as well. Miraculously, I managed to steer clear until it tapered out. Now I think we're in the 1980's revival period (vest, anyone?).

Erin Chambers Fan Club: Many of us agree that "Chambers" is Erin's surname by birth, "Danielson" her surname by marriage.

Quinn the math brain: I spoke of this a little in the "Of Absolute Value" postscript, but Quinn's math prowess and Daria's encouragement of it are not contradictions to "Quinn the Brain." There, Quinn is a charlatan English brain who eventually grows tired of her charade. Here, she's got real talent which she's still not sure how to apply. I believe Daria's resentment toward Quinn in QTB had less to do with Quinn showing she was genuinely smart than with her showing how her lack of smartness was still getting rewarded. People called her a "brain" even when she wrote bad poetry, forcing Daria to question what it meant to be a brain. Here, Quinn's talent would pass muster under any circumstance; her braininess is something Daria would have no problem recognizing, and thus, Daria does not feel threatened by it -- especially because Quinn's talent does not compete in the same subject area as her own. That's why we see Daria encouraging Quinn to study, instead of being secretly glad that her sister is floundering. It's a way they could conceivably be brought closer together -- but you will see that Daria's jealousy will come into play in future fanfics. There will be another Quinn-centric fanfic coming up not too far down the road...

Helen and Jake's marriage: I'll confess, my primary reason for having the scene between Helen, Jake, and Erin in Act Three was to pinpoint where H and J are in their marriage right now. As we can see, things seem to be business as usual, but there are undercurrents of hostility that will also get played out in a fanfic not too far down the road...

Metreonopolis/Cafe Lawndale: If you recall, Cafe Lawndale got closed down at the end of "Cafe Disaffecto." If you also recall, I resurrected it in "The Tie That Chokes" as a cafe with a sort of police state mentality. I just thought it'd be worth a chuckle if it got remodeled yet again into a "happening" new club. ; > The name "Metreonopolis" is derived from the Metreon in San Francisco, a new, overrated I-MAX theatre with a futuristic decor.

Going home and sleeping with someone you barely know: Obviously, that's my second reference to "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman. In it, Amy does, indeed, go to Trent's house to sleep with him after they've barely met. I still get a kick out of this fanfic, and I think it served as something of an inspiration for ETH. If Amy could get together with Trent, then why not Erin, who at least is the same age as he is??

More Kara Wild canon fodder: In Act Three, Amy makes a reference to the resentment she felt during Erin's early years. Here is the context as I have created it: during the first three-four years of Erin's life, her parents shared the house in Rutherford with Grandma and Grandpa Barksdale and Amy. At the time, Amy was a surly teenager who did not take kindly to her house being dominated by a pixie-cute little "brat." Therefore, she took pains to not be nice to her. Down the road, I might write a fanfic about this; it would be outside the bounds of The Driven Wild Universe.

Aftermath of "'Shipped Out": When I wrote "'Shipped Out," I imagined that I would get flamed almost immediately, that scores of 'shippers would tell me to go to hell and how dare I poke holes in their dream. Luckily, that never happened. Several 'shippers displayed some uneasiness, but there was no outright hostility. People confessed that although they didn't agree with my vision, I had presented it credibly enough that it could not be stricken down. I suspect my fic may have gained extra credibility from "Lane Miserables," which has some scenes that are very similar to SO's (the older Daria/Trent fantasy; Daria taking Quinn's advice). Anyhow, all SO is is an alternative to a 'shipper fic, nothing more, nothing less. It's not a flaming manifesto, a declaration of war, what have you. ; > I'd like to think it made some anti-'shippers feel a little more comfortable with coming out of the closet (some were already out), along with some of the real episodes. All I can say is thank God for "Jane's Addition": at last the possibility of Jane and Jesse getting together has been stricken dead!!

Now it's time for another THE MYSTERIES OF

This time, we'll explore the mystery of "Beat." "Why Kara," people ask, "do you put so many 'Beat's in your fanfics? What do they mean??"

Well, it's pretty simple. For me, as for many authors, "Beat" is a short pause. I just tend to point out all of the short pauses more than most, which is why I've shortened it to "Bt." Usually the pause is for dramatic effect, so an important sentence is isolated a little more, allowing the reader to dwell on it and to absorb its full impact. For example:

DARIA: Jane, I want you to know something. (Bt) I'm not interested in Trent. Nor have I been for a long time.

The "Bt" allows you a nanosecond's pause before reading the all-important second sentence. (Best school-teacher voice) Here's a little game: write the bit of dialogue without the "Bt," and see if you read it differently. Ooh what fun!

"Beat" is also good for helping the characters change subjects without having it seem too awkward. I'm too lazy to dredge up an example, so just take my word for it. ; >

Oops!

I forgot to mention last time the origin of Daria's contract reading in "Surreal World." If you recall, towards the end of Act Two, before she drew Sandi's wrath, she was studying all of the "do nots" of her contract. Where that comes from is the regulations the "Road Rules"/ "Real World" executives place in the cast members' contracts. In one case, a member of the "Road Rules: South America" team had to be sent home for hitting a fellow cast member, even though they had worked things out afterward. In another case, one casanova from "Real World: Seattle" got in big trouble for dating an executive with the show. I believe that their behavior was wrong, but the thing is: these shows will let cast members nearly drink themselves to death and sleep with each other at random, yet they draw a stark line at other, equally-bad forms of behavior. I say if they can't be consistent, they ought to just live and let live. This is voyeuristic television, is it not? ; >

Acknowledgements

Gosh, I don't know if I have anyone to thank this time around. Maybe I'll just be thankful for the resurrection of Lawndale Commons, and for the Daria movie coming out next fall. And that it's Y2K and we're A-OK. Gee, how many times have you heard that one?? ; >

To those of you who have my stuff showing at your web sites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... :-)

And please, if you're going to take your web sites down, could you at least warn me so I have a chance to mourn??!

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

"Y2K, and we're OK... Y2K, in old Bombay!!" Anyone ever heard that song, "Bombs Away," by the Police? Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright January 2000. All rights reserved.


	14. Primarily Color

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the fourteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," and "Erin the Head." 

I give it between a 2S and a 2.5S... 

The title, of course, is derived from Primary Colors by Anonymous (actually the prominent Newsweek columnist, Joe Klein). That book detailed a Bill Clinton-like man's rise to power in the 1992 presidential election. It has absolutely nothing to do with the theme of this fanfic... but I liked the play on the title. : >

WARNING: This fanfic contains some offensive language, though it's placed in a context that is not meant to offend. 

That said... Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: Another made-up one -- a parody of the Britney Spears video,"Hit Me, Baby." Only it's Brittany in the Britney Spears role, wearing sexy lingerie and dancing around. Daria, Jane, and Quinn are her slumber party buddies, and they're also dancing around, wearing sexy lingerie. Brittany keeps tripping over the dance moves. Quinn keeps trying to jump in front of her. Daria performs her moves very mechanically. You can picture the rest. ; >

Until new Ten Spot Promos come along... 

[intro theme music...................]

PRIMARILY COLOR byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, after school)

(Shot of Jodie standing at her locker, fiddling with the combination, the hallway behind her nearly empty. Most students have gone home, and Jodie is making a routine stop before heading off to a student council meeting. She opens her locker and spies a folded white piece of paper lying on top of her other things. Jodie frowns mildly. She didn't put it there, but maybe Mack did, or someone from student council. She unfolds the paper with an air of nonchalance and reads.)

(As she reads, we see her face grow progressively pale. At one point, she bites her lip to avoid crying out. Finally, she blinks hard and crumples the paper into a ball, then hurls it as far as it will go. The paper lands softly on the ground and lies there for several seconds, while Jodie watches it, her face now red. She blinks hard and takes deep breaths, trying to calm down. At long last, she slams her locker shut and starts off in the opposite direction, determined to forget about what she'd read. But after taking a few steps, she turns around and looks at the crumpled-up note in the distance again. We see her shoulders sink down, and a defeated look in her eyes. She walks toward the note.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 2 (a short time later)

(We see Jodie sitting in a corner of the hallway, her back against one of the lockers. Her legs are pressed to her chest, and she is holding the now-unfolded note. She turns it from side to side, looking at it with a dull expression. She is so absorbed in her own thoughts, she doesn't notice Quinn walking right past her in the direction of the bathroom, and Quinn doesn't notice her.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (bathroom)

(Shot of Quinn walking blithely through the door and up to the mirror. She immediately begins her afterschool, pre-Fashion Club meeting grooming. This ritual lasts for several seconds, during which time Quinn hums to herself in a chipper tone. Suddenly we hear the door to one of the stalls open slowly, then see Sandi appear onscreen. Her expression is wary -- she evidently hoped to have the bathroom to herself, and Quinn's presence isn't cause for joy. Similarly, Quinn 's face takes on an expression of shock. Both immediately mask their feelings with phony smiles.)

QUINN: (faux gracious) Oh hi, Sandi. So good to see you. 

SANDI: (also faux gracious, but her heart sounding less into it) Hi, Quinn. Likewise. 

QUINN: Don't you usually have student council meetings today?

(Beat)

SANDI: (smirking, starting to apply make-up) Yes, but they're willing to wait until I've reached my optimum level of attractiveness. That's how it is when you're the one bright spot in their entire day. 

QUINN: (faux interested) Wow, really? (little laugh.) 'Cause I could've sworn someone else said something completely different. Jodie, was it? (At that, Sandi gets a dark look on her face.) Oh, but I'm sure I just heard wrong. There probably couldn't be a student council without you, Sandi. [*] see "Surreal World"

SANDI: Yes. (Pause. glances sideways at Quinn. faux friendly.) Oh by the way, Quinn, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you still haven't fixed your problem. 

QUINN: (suspicious, but trying to hide it) What problem is that?

(Sandi eyes Quinn's glasses. Quinn purses her lips and tries to remain civil.)

QUINN: Oh these? (uneasy laugh.) These're no problem, besides the field of optometry is coming closer and closer to making contact lenses for my type of astigmatism and until then no one minds them. There is no problem. None. 

SANDI: (smirking) If you say so. 

(Beat. Now neither she nor Quinn can conceal the irritation they feel toward one another. Quinn focuses her attention on the mirror, proceeds to brush her hair with faux nonchalance.)

QUINN: Y' know, I was just thinking... 

SANDI: (cocking a brow) Yes?

QUINN: (through clenched teeth) How really great it is that we can finally talk to each other like normal people --

SANDI: (eyes narrowing) You mean without having to suck up and put on phony displays to make the other person think we like them when in fact --

QUINN: We hate their guts! Exactly. 

(She and Sandi eye each other venomously.)

SANDI: (slowly) Gee, I'm glad to hear you feel that way. I guess you won't take it so hard then when I tell you the quality of the fashion at this school has taken a serious plunge since you became Fashion Club president. 

QUINN: (bracing herself) Oh?? And just how do you think you could correct it??

SANDI: Well I could just find a replacement, (smirks.) but better if I recommend to my fellow council members that the club be penalized, maybe a cut in funding to make its members really see the errors of --

QUINN: (jaw dropping) You wouldn't. 

SANDI: (faux innocent) Why not? If it's for the good of the school. 

(Quinn looks ready to give a really nasty retort, one that could possibly provoke a catfight. But then she straightens up, tosses her hair, and smirks.)

QUINN: Go ahead, then. Not like anyone will listen to you. 

(Sandi's eyes narrow. Quinn knows she's won. She takes her make-up, gives Sandi a nod, and starts to leave. Sandi tries to shore up her dignity.)

SANDI: Oh Quinn? (Bt) Next time you come in here to apply make-up, don't bother to bring mascara. (smirks.) No one will see it. 

(Pause. Quinn turns and gives Sandi a death stare. Sandi returns it with a hard look of her own.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (lockers, a short time later)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing beside their lockers, getting ready to leave.)

JANE: So... what say we forego our usual pizza for the new chili place in the mall? All you can eat. 

DARIA: Does it provide you with a new stomach in case the old one gives way?

JANE: Hmm... we'll have to see. (Just then, we see Mack and Jodie walk past them in the foreground.) Hey there, love bird-erinos!

(Mack and Jodie continue to walk without acknowledging her or Daria. Jane frowns.)

DARIA: (deadpan) What did you expect? Who in their right minds would respond to that nickname?

JANE: Say Daria, did Jodie look kind of funny to you?

(Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack -- pan to follow them. As Jane noticed, Jodie is still pale and visibly shaken from the note. Mack is gazing at it and frowning darkly.)

MACK: (shaking his head) I can't believe it. I'll kill whoever wrote this. 

JODIE: (distressed) Look Michael, can we please just let this go? I don't want to think about it anymore. 

MACK: Jodie, we can't let this go. That jerk obviously put this in your locker hoping to intimidate you. We have to show it to somebody. 

JODIE: (irritation creeping in) To Ms. Li so she can say "We'll look into it" and nothing happens?? I've been through this before, and that's how it always goes. 

MACK: (determined) Then we'll have to show it to someone else... 

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 5 (Landon residence, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie, Mack, and Michele Landon sitting in the living room. Andrew Landon's pacing furiously around the room, reading from the sheet of paper.)

ANDREW: ... Uppity black bitch slut mother f--

JODIE: Dad!

ANDREW: (continuing, checking language) You have no bleeping business being president of our school. Better hand the job over to someone who knows what he or she is doing --!

JODIE: (meeker) Dad, please... 

MICHELE: (sharp) That's enough, Andrew. 

ANDREW: (muttering) And go hang out with the other nigger welfare queens -- (crumples up the paper, flings it to the ground, kicks it.) God dammit, I'm madder than hell!!

MACK: (sober) It kind of had that effect on us, too, sir. 

MICHELE: (taking the paper, smoothing it out) Jodie, I can't believe this has happened to you before and you never told us. 

JODIE: The last time was a long time ago. Before I even became president. 

ANDREW: Dammit, none of my kids're on welfare!

MICHELE: (to Jodie) That doesn't matter. This kind of hate-filled, fear-mongering diatribe should not go unpunished. 

ANDREW: I pay my taxes! Hell, when I see a welfare mother, I get as scornful as the rest of them!

MICHELE: Drew, settle down. (to Jodie) Do you have any idea who might've written this?

JODIE: No. (Pause. gets a thoughtful frown.) Wait... (sighs.) no. 

MACK: (grim) Anybody with an inferiority complex. 

ANDREW: It doesn't matter who wrote these notes -- the point is, you went to the ones in charge for help, and they didn't do anything!

MICHELE: Yes, exactly. And it's that kind of sitting-on-their-hands philosophy that keeps minorities down at these majority-white schools. 

JODIE: (peevish) So what are you suggesting? That I storm Ms. Li's office and threaten her until she agrees to hunt down whoever's responsible??

ANDREW: Hell, why not? That woman's got enough surveillance equipment. 

MICHELE: No, Drew, I think we should be the ones to do the threatening. (stands up and walks over to the phone.)

JODIE: (wary) What are you doing?

MICHELE: There's got to be a civil rights violation somewhere in this. 

(Beat. Jodie realizes what her mom's about to do. Her eyes widen.)

JODIE: Mom, no! If you make a big deal out of this, everyone's gonna find out about it!

ANDREW: (scoffing) So what? It's about time. 

MICHELE: (picking up the phone) Don't you see, sweetheart, that we've got to kill this cancerous growth before it spreads? If you're silenced by these threats, then just imagine all the smart black women who could follow. Think of Rachel. 

ANDREW: Yeah. And this is just the kind of crap your mother and I dealt with when we first moved to Lawndale. 

MICHELE: And when I was senior V.P. at U.S. World. (starts dialing.)

JODIE: (desperate) But don't you see?? I have to be with these people every day. My life's stressful enough already, and after this, it'll never be normal!

MACK: (sympathetic) But at least something good might come from it. 

(Jodie exhales sharply and shakes her head. Mack pats her hand. Meanwhile, Michele's got the phone to her ear.)

MICHELE: (no-nonsense) Hi, Helen?? Michele. Listen, if you want to make up for all the stupid, lame-brained, insensitive comments you've ever made to me and my family, get your ass over here now. 

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, several weeks later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up shot of a newspaper. In the bottom righthand corner of the front page is a bold-faced headline. Cut to wider shot to show Jane holding the newspaper, reading the headline and the article.)

JANE: "Lawndale High Faces Class Action Lawsuit." (faux dramatic.) Lawndale High School found itself embroiled in controversy yesterday when parents of dozens of minority students, represented by the law firm of (sly glance at Daria.) Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan... 

(As Jane reads off the names, Daria rolls her eyes.)

JANE: ... Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter... blah-blah-blah... (Bt. dramatic falsetto.) "We're going to rip this school wide open and expose the corruption infested in its bowels!" said lawyer on the case, Helen Morgendorffer. (normal voice.) Ooh -- in its bowels? Catchy. 

DARIA: (deadpan) You think that's bad, you should hear the soundbites she spews at home. 

JANE: Yeech -- so she's really into it, is she?

DARIA: Oh yeah. Her Sixties sense of righteousness has struck with a vengeance. 

JANE: That, and she feels she owes the Landons big. 

DARIA: Yep. 

JANE: (reading) The controversy began when Student Body President Jodie Landon reported blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... Since then, Morgendorffer claims to have found several more violations... (stops reading. shakes her head.) Boy, just the publicity Jodie's always wanted, eh?

DARIA: Which explains why she's been a no-show these past couple of days. 

JANE: So who d' you think did it?

DARIA: Someone without conscience or spine. Targeting Jodie's like targeting the Easter bunny. 

JANE: (vaguely bitter) Yes, well I can think of one person who matches that description. 

DARIA: Sandi Griffin?

JANE: Ooh yeah. (rolls her eyes.) She's an ambitious one, she is. Can't win the presidency by dragging one person through the wringer, so she stoops to racial slurs against another. 

DARIA: This almost seems too crude to be Sandi's handiwork. Isn't she more the "sugar to your face, poison dart in your backside"-type person?

JANE: You would think so, wouldn't you? But then again, making your opponent out to be a potential murderer on your website seems crude, as well, and Sandi did that. [*] see "Outvoted"

(Daria cocks an eyelid and nods.)

JANE: (reading) Esteemed principal, Angela Li, protests that she was never... 

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Li's office, at that same time)

(Close-up shot of Li, burning with rage.)

MS. LI: Oh good lord! Do you realize how much of a public relations disaster this is?! First threats of school violence, now this?!

(Cut to wider shot. Mr. O'Neill is sitting across from her, looking concerned, but much calmer.)

MR. O'NEILL: Now, now, Ms. Li, I'm sure we'll be able to address this problem in a way that'll make our school a stronger place to be. (does a fist pump.)

MS. LI: Ooooh -- I'll stronger you! This is just going to drag our institution's reputation into the mud, I just know it! (gestures angrily at a list on her desk.) And just look at these demands! These people act as though IIIIIII personally oppressed their children. 

(O'Neill gets a nervous look on his face. No point in telling her the truth.)

MS. LI: (resentful) Well unlike their whiiiite attorney, I understand what it's like to be belittled by the majority culture!

O'NEILL: (encouraging) That's good, Ms. Li! You should let it out. 

MS. LI: (glaring at him) But since they're holding a gun to my head, I guess I have no choice but to settle. (Bt) They want protection for their children from racial slurs?? (vaguely ominous.) Well they'll get it... 

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 8 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outiside entrance to the auditorium. Cut to shot of Jodie seated in one of the chairs in the front row, looking ill-at-ease. Other students can be seen filing in and filling the other seats. Just then, we see Brittany and Kevin creeping down the aisle so that they're a short distance from Jodie. They're looking at her and whispering.)

KEVIN: (a bit too loud) So babe, ya think we should say something to her?

BRITTANY: Yeah. (twirls a lock of hair.) Something, like, really supportive or whatever. 

KEVIN: How d' we do that? Awkward stuff, like, creeps me out. 

BRITTANY: Yeah, me too. (Bt. loud panicked whisper.) Quick Kevvy: let's just sneak away an' act like we never saw her!

JODIE: (turning around, sarcastic) Hi guys. It's nice to know you care. 

(Brittany and Kevin look at each other.)

BRITTANY: Eap!

KEVIN: Yeah, eap!

BRITTANY: (pleading) We're sorry, Jodie, we didn't --

JODIE: That's okay, Brittany. I'll talk to you later. 

(Brittany and Kevin nod and quickly run off. Jodie groans and shakes her head. Just then, we see Mack approach her from the opposite direction. He takes a seat beside her.)

JODIE: (frustrated) You see? They're, like, the gazillionth people who've done that to me today. This is exactly what I didn't want. 

MACK: (smiling. sympathetic) Recognition?

JODIE: Pity. Weird behavior. People suddenly don't know how to act around me. I'm not Jodie Landon, Honor Student, I'm "that poor girl." (rolls her eyes.) Well they can save their pity. I don't care. 

MACK: Well hey, at least that means they're noticing, right?? Didn't you once tell me you wished people could understand how hard it was to be Miss Perfect African-American Student?

JODIE: Yes, but what good is it gonna do me? It won't change the fact that I'm black and most of the people here are white. 

MACK: You don't think so, huh? (with unusual vehemence.) Well maybe it'll make people think twice before telling a racist joke or saying something that could be offensive. (Bt) I don't know about you, but I get sick of having to defend myself all the time. Like when people call me "Oreo," or when I have to expain my feelings about "The Boondocks." And I'm sick of laughing good-naturedly everytime someone like Kevin jokes that black men can only be good at sports. Hell, if this opens their eyes just a little, that's great by me. 

(Pause. Jodie absorbs this, gets an acknowledging look on her face.)

JODIE: Yeah. (Bt) But what if the opposite happens?

(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria sitting in the center seats of the center row.)

JANE: (looking offscreen) Hey! Jodie's back. 

DARIA: (also looking) Yeah. And just in time for the P.C. Jamboree. 

JANE: (faux scolding) Now, now... it's an assembly to promote cultural awareness. 

DARIA: (deadpan) Let's see if it makes me aware of anything besides the minutes it's making me spend that I can never have back. 

(Jane raises a brow. Cut to shot of the stage. We see Ms. Li advancing to the podium, while several of the teachers sit in chairs onstage, a la "Esteemsters.")

MS. LI: Good morning, students! It's come to my attention that a teeeeeeerrible misconception about our school has surfaced. That this is an institution of conformity and lack of tolerance, instead of the bastion of diverse backgrounds and experiences we know it to be. Right? (looks over at the teachers -- they don't say anything. taps her shoe, glares at them.) I said right??!

TEACHERS: Oh yes!/ Definitely!/ Of course!!

MS. LI: So we've decided it's high-time to let the world know just how diverse we really are. To start, I've made up a list of do's and don't's that will promote raaaaaacial sensitivity. 

(Cut to shot of the audience. Teachers standing in the aisles begin passing out sheets of paper to each student in the rows. Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack, looking them over.)

MACK: (reading) "Do not call minorities 'colored people.' Call them 'people of color.'" (A slightly confused expression crosses his face. Then he shrugs a "works for me.")

(Cut to shot of Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy.)

STACY: (reading) "Only under certain circumstances is it okay to call someone descended from Central or South America 'Hispanic,' 'Chicano,' or 'Latino.'" (Bt. gets a freaked-out look on her face.) Which circumstances?!

(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria.)

JANE: Hey, they even threw in a few lines about us socially-challenged folks. You're "cranially endowed," and I have a "uniquely visual outlook."

(Resume shot of the stage. DeMartino leaps up out of his chair and bolts over to the podium.)

DeMARTINO: And if any of you MIScreants dares to spout a possibly INSENSITIVE remark, AUTOMATIC SUSPENSION!!

MS. LI: Yes, under the new "zero tolerance" policy. (eyes DeMartino.) And that goes for instructors as well. 

(Beat)

DeMARTINO: (confused) What do you... ? (Then it sinks in.) Aw, come ON, Ms. Li! You can't expect ME to keep my mouth shut --!

MS. LI: Take your seat, Mr. DeMartino. 

(Cut to shot of Sandi. During the commotion that ensues, she and her several hangers-on look at the list.)

SANDI: (smirking) Fat people are called "gravitationally endowed"?? Excuse me, but I don't think so. 

(She starts chuckling, as do some other people. Cut to shot of Jodie. She picks up on the chuckling and turns to look, her eyes narrowing.)

MS. LI: (offscreen) Well now that that's settled, let us give a hearty round of applause for Ms. Brittany Taylor as she performs a diversity cheer she wrote all by herself --

(cut to:)

SCENE 9 (O'Neill's class, the next day)

(Shot of the classroom as seen from the outside. Cut to shot of the inside: all of the desks are arranged in a large circle, with O'Neill sitting directly across from Jodie. Jodie's got her arms crossed and wears a "Why me?" expression. The other students look at her, either with interest or indifference.)

O'NEILL: (touchy-feely) I, for one, cherish this opportunity to foster closer relations between most of us who are white, and our brothers and sisters of color. 

DARIA: (deadpan) I always felt like I never knew enough purple people. 

(Jodie, in spite of her discomfort, can't keep from chuckling. Other students follow suit.)

O'NEILL: (hand to his mouth. concerned) Oh my... class, this isn't a laughing matter. Jodie first helped bring this disturbing issue to the fore, and we should thank her for showing courage and conviction. I plan to do so by keeping diversity alive not just through the right words and books, but through caring. 

(Several wary glances are exchanged.)

O'NEILL: (oblivious) The assembly yesterday kicked off a nonstop care-athon which I'm going to oversee! Let's honor it by joining hands. Let the oneness flow through our veins!

(At the word "oneness," people again start cracking up.)

JANE: (wicked) Will there be singing?

ANDREA: No way. 

(After some resistance, the students start to link up. One look from Daria, and Kevin knows better than to offer her his hand.)

O'NEILL: And let us hear of Jodie Landon's tale of suffering. 

JODIE: What?

O'NEILL: C' mon, Jodie, don't be afraid. Through your lawsuit against the school, you've shown the courage to come this far. (fist pump.) Now let us feel your pain. Let us know what you go through every day because of society's intolerance. (shudders dramatically.)

(long Pause. Jodie looks seriously bowled-over. On the one hand, she's skeptical of O'Neill's warm an' fuzzy approach [who wouldn't be?]. She's also reluctant to talk about stuff that could be painful or that could drive an even bigger wedge between her and other students. At the same time, this is a rare opportunity. Jodie looks like she's about to give in to it when, at the last minute, she rolls her eyes instead.)

JODIE: (frustrated) Mr. O'Neill, no offense, but you're acting as though I'm the only member of an oppressed minority group. But there are lots of people in this room who are. 

O'NEILL: Hmm... an interesting observation. 

JODIE: Like yourself. (Bt) The Irish were oppressed for centuries because of their culture and religion. People even called them black. 

(Beat)

O'NEILL: (stunned) Why... why yes. That's true. (sniffles, tears up a little.) I never thought anyone would take my heritage seriously. Damn those unfeeling potato jokes! (sniff, sniff.)

JANE: Um, do you need a minute alone?

O'NEILL: No, no, I'm fine. (takes a deep breath.) But it feels so much better knowing someone understands my inner sorrow. Which is why, Jodie, you mustn't be afraid to speak out and reveal your pain to all of us. 

(Again Jodie hesitates.)

BRITTANY: Yeah, come on, Jodie!

OTHER STUDENTS: Yeah... 

(Jodie gets a slightly more receptive look on her face.)

JODIE: Well, I... (interrupted by the P.A.)

MS. LI: (stern) Saaaaaaaandra Griffin, report to my office immediately. 

(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. Phelps's class. Quinn was writing out a problem on the blackboard, but is now looking at Sandi, along with Stacy, Tiffany, and the rest of the class. All are stunned by the ferocity in their principal's tone.)

OTHER STUDENTS: (teasing) Oooooooooh... 

PHELPS: (dryly amused) My heavens, Ms. Griffin, she sounds in desperate need of your company. 

SANDI: (smirking with bravado) She probably needs more makeover tips. I'd better go help her. 

(She stands with a little uneasiness and heads toward the door. Quinn watches her, until she feels her teacher tapping her on the shoulder.)

PHELPS: (gently firm) Eyes on the blackboard, Ms. Morgendorffer. 

(Quinn frowns a little and turns away. When she glances back, Sandi's gone.)

(Cut to shot of the students in Mr. O'Neill's class. Jodie smiles with secret satisfaction and relief, and continues with what she was saying.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Andrew Landon drop-kicking the offending note.]

You are now entering SUPER BOWL commercial HELL!!!!!! Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest, most EXPENSIVE commercials put on television. 

"Next Friday, on the Ten Spot: Ever wanted to know what life was like back when Daria was a bun in Helen's oven?? Well here's your chance to find out. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

All right, I know this is a little dated, but oh well. There were far too many e-this and dot-com-that commercials, along with Budweiser and Charles Schwab. However, there were several that stood out in my mind, and I've gone to the trouble to rate them on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being the best.

A guy runs after an elevator filled with people carrying pizza and other party goods. He manages to get one hand, carrying a six-pack of beer [which, I forgot], stuck inside. The people inside drink the beer, then try to shake the guy by taking the elevator up, but end up making him crash into the ceiling instead. Um... funny? I'd give it a 6 for originality, 6 for special effects, and 3 for good taste. Overall rating: 5. 

Kickoff... one man grabs the ball. Another man tackles him. After these exhilirating 10 seconds, we cut to another commercial...

The futuristic commercial which has Christopher Reeve getting up and walking after his spinal cord injury is cured. Poignant... and eerie. The multiple T.V. screens which display this to the public seem reminiscent of Big Brother, and I just couldn't help feeling creeped out by the fact that in real life, Reeves is still a quadraplegic. Still, I'd give it a 10 fo idealism, 8 for special effects, and 7 for creepy futuristic look, giving an overall rating of 8.3. 

You are now leaving SUPER BOWL commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

PRIMARILY COLOR

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Griffin residence, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Linda Griffin sitting on one end of the living room couch, Sandi on the other end. Linda's got the phone to her ear and a no-nonsense look on her face. Sandi sits there with her arms folded, looking tired and pissed-off.)

LINDA: (into the receiver) Just what the hell do you think you're doing suspending my daughter??

(Split screen with her on the left and Ms. Li, still in her office at school, on the right. Li appears irritated and wary... even more so than usual.)

MS. LI: It's all veeeeeeeeery simple, Mrs. Griffin. Jodie Landon said your daughter wrote her a racially offensive note a while back, so I merely wielded my powers under the new "zero tolerance" policy. 

(Linda peers over at Sandi, who looks back at her with a pouty "Oh come on" expression.)

LINDA: (to Li) Where's your evidence?? How can you be so sure it was Sandi who wrote that note??

MS. LI: I've got aaaaaaaaall the evidence I need in the "Class Land" footage, in which your daughter was threatening Ms. Landon. [*] see "Surreal World"

LINDA: (looking at Sandi) Threatening Jodie Landon on television??

SANDI: (defensive) She was threatening me, too! Like, you'd understand if you watched. 

LINDA: (to Li) I would like to see this footage of which you speak. 

MS. LI: Certainly Mrs. Griffin... if you can handle watching your daughter also declare that she's ashaaaaamed of you. 

(Pause. Linda's normal expression of cool assurance gets replaced by one of shock, as though she's been punched in the stomach. She again looks at Sandi, who thinks she's still talking about the threats. Sandi shakes her head decisively.)

LINDA: (to Li, slightly hoarse) I-I just don't understand how you could treat her this way, after everything I've done for the school. 

MS. LI: Ooh-hoo, some new security lights and free publicity don't quite make up for a class action lawsuit that's threatening to shatter our reputation. (Bt) Besides, those items were contigent on your daughter being Vice-President of the Student Body, a role which she gave up weeeeeks ago. [*] see "Outvoted"

(Pause. Linda looks at Sandi, this time with anger.)

LINDA: (slowly) She quit student council?

(Quickly, Sandi goes from looking defiant to pale and subdued.)

MS. LI: Ohhh, yes. And let me tell you something else, Mrs. Griffin. (eyes narrow.) People like your daughter make me sick. The way she and others think they can just bully minority students, I'm only too glad to be able to put her in her place. So until she apologizes to Jodie Landon, her suspension staaaaaands. 

(Linda clicks off the phone decisively. Cut to full shot. She lays the phone down slowly, her eyes still narrowed.)

LINDA: (slowly, with an edge) Why did you quit student council?

(Pause. Sandi reddens.)

SANDI: (mumbling) My reasons are personal. 

LINDA: Was it because you threatened Jodie Landon and made racist comments?!

SANDI: No. Like, all I did was bring her down a peg. She was acting all high-and-mighty, treating me like I was a big jerk, and I just told her what the hell did she know? What made her the exper--?

LINDA: You are going to apologize to her. 

SANDI: (eyes widening) But nothing I said was racist!

LINDA: (hard) Dammit, Sandi, after all I did for you, pulling strings to get you the vice-presidency, only to watch you throw it away, the least you could do --

SANDI: Mother, I'm telling you the truth. 

LINDA: (unyielding) You will not make me look bad to the other businesswomen in this community. Especially Michele Landon. She may not be with U.S. World any longer, but she still carries influence --

(Sandi looks as though she's ready to protest again, then closes her mouth and tries to suck in her resentment.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers at dinner. [Let's try to guess what they're eating! Go on, it's not so hard!] Quinn's in mid-conversation.)

QUINN: ... and so Ms. Li's been cracking the whip, punishing any student who she even thinks is acting racist. 

HELEN: Oh my... sounds like a violation of their rights to free speech. (frowns.) If the courts hadn't taken them all away. 

QUINN: And Mr. O'Neill's gotten really into it, too. He's, like, making us hold hands and talk an' stuff. (shudders a little.) He's even setting up a multicultural fair in a week or so. I, of course, plan to work at one of the cuter booths. 

DARIA: Naturally. 

JAKE: Sounds neat, you guys!

HELEN: Yes, it's so good to see that they're starting to take diversity seriously at your school. (Bt. no-nonsense.) But the minute they fall off course, we'll slap them with a lawsuit so big, it'll make their head spin into the next century. 

DARIA: (sardonic) What better way to promote compassion?

QUINN: Mr. O'Neill also encouraged us white students to get to know some of the minority students better -- like talk to them one-on-one and hear their painful stories. So I've decided to hang out with Tiffany for the next few days. 

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) But you already hang out with Tiffany. 

QUINN: (thoughtful) Yes, but not... the real Tiffany. 

(Daria cocks an eyelid. Helen raises a brow as well.)

HELEN: Daria, why do I get the feeling you're less-than-enthusiastic about these new developments at your school?

DARIA: Because. My skeptic alarm always goes off whenever the school tries a new social engineering experiment. And this one seems destined to fall into the figurative dustbin like all the others. 

HELEN: Meaning?

DARIA: It's every bit as misguided. To promote so-called diversity, the school insists on stripping away our personalities -- what little some of us have -- and reducing us to our race or ethnicity. 

HELEN: So?

DARIA: So it's degrading. They claim they want us students to find a common ground -- but how can we do that if our common tastes and experiences have been chucked away? Forget personality, forget experience -- now it's just "this person matters because he or she came from a background of suffering."

QUINN: So?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) So, it seems as though they're encouraging the students who have no such background to feel sorry for the ones that do. 

JAKE: So??

DARIA: So, can you really understand someone when you have to keep your distance, by viewing that person as a pity case instead of an equal? When the guilt and fascination wear off, we'll all be back to Square One. We'll just go about our business, and nothing will have changed. 

(Beat. Helen, Jake, and Quinn look a little floored, as they so often do after one of Daria's speeches. Then Quinn waves a hand nonchalantly.)

QUINN: Oh, like you would know about understanding people anyway -- you barely ever leave your room. (Bt) Listen, Daria, guilt is in. It's chic. Especially where minorities are concerned. I mean sure, we used to, like, make them sit at the front of the bus and mop lunch counters, or whatever -- but now the trend is toward rejecting the boring old status quo and embracing minorities as cool and interesting and in some ways superior. And I, for one, don't want to miss out on it. 

DARIA: Today, minorities. Tomorrow, endangered bunnies. 

HELEN: Quinn has a point, Daria. Guilt isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's the only thing that can keep the people in power from completely destroying a minority culture. (Bt) It kept us from oblitering the Native Americans. It helped establish a Jewish homeland in 1948 --

QUINN: Oh that reminds me. Mr. O' Neill said he wanted us all to find an oppressed minority group in our background and, like, share our pain. So I'm gonna talk about how it feels to be Jewish. 

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Since when are we Jewish?

QUINN: (slightly defensive) Hey, if Dad is a member of the Jewish race, then so am I. (to Jake.) Say Daddy, were any of our relatives killed in the Holocaust?

JAKE: Nope. They all came to America in the 1890's. 

QUINN: (looking somewhat disappointed) Oh. 

JAKE: And anyway, Judaism isn't really a race, honey; it's more of an ethnicity. Like "I'm Slavic... I'm Jewish."

DARIA: But there are black and Hispanic Jews, too. 

HELEN: It's a religion. And a very noble one at that. (Bt) But you know, Quinn, if you want to hear stories of oppression, my ancestors in Northern Ireland faced some terrible --

QUINN: (dismissive) Yes, yes that's very interesting. (Bt) No offense, Mom, but I don't really want to hear about a bunch of white Protestants -- they, like, rule this country. I want to hear about real minorities. 

(Helen looks slightly hurt. Daria cocks an eyelid with mild amusement.)

QUINN: So Dad, didn't your relatives, like, suffer at all?

JAKE: Well there was the difficulty with assimilation, naturally. (chuckles.) They even made up a Revolutionary War ancestor to help them fit into American society better. Phineas T. Morgendorffer was his name. (starts to go into a rage.) When the kids found out the truth about him, oh how they laughed. LAUGHED, I tell you!!

(Quinn leans her chin on her hand, intrigued.)

JAKE: Ohh, what a can of worms that just opened up! Before military school, I'll never forget about every stinking year at Christmas time. "Santa's not coming to your house, Jakey. You're not getting any presents, Jakey! Have fun with your dreidel, Jakey!!" Well I'll DREIDEL you!!!

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer house, that night)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing in front of the bathroom mirror, dressed in her pajamas. Quinn comes in, also in her pj's.)

QUINN: (chipper) Wow, Dad's got, like, so many repressed memories. This'll be so cool to tell the other kids. 

DARIA: (deadpan) That's just what they need: more pain and rejection. 

QUINN: Too bad Sandi won't be there to hear it. (brief look of irritation gets replaced by a thoughtful frown.) Y' know, it's weird she got suspended. 

DARIA: No weirder than the other kids who did. 

QUINN: Yeah... but Sandi never seemed like the racist type. (instructional.) Her prejudices are based on a very strict definition of who's well-dressed and has a good body, and who isn't. It never mattered to her what color you were just as long as you could coordinate. 

DARIA: (sardonic) Well that's much more reassuring. 

QUINN: But I guess if Jodie Landon said she did it then she had to have done it. 'Cause Jodie's, like, perfect, right?? She never lies about anything. 

(A strange look crosses Daria's face.)

DARIA: Um, right... 

QUINN: (sighing) It's too bad. Before this happened... (frowns slightly.) during the times Sandi wasn't making fun of me for being a four eyes or threatening my power with the Fashion Club... I kind of... well... every once in a while... there were times... really, really brief times... 

DARIA: (impatient) Yes?

QUINN: ... when I missed her. 

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (O'Neill's class, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside.)

ANDREA: (offscreen VO. same dramatic tone she used in "Cafe Disaffecto") I am the minority viewer... 

(Cut to shot of her standing in front of the room, giving a presentation to Daria, Jane, and company.)

ANDREA: I am black... I am brown... I am red --

DARIA: (thought VO) Wow. Blending into a wooded thicket must be no problem for you. 

ANDREA: ... I am yellow... I am multiracial. I want to see a face on screen that looks like mine, I want to see experiences that have been my experiences. But instead, all I get is a vast vanilla... wasteland. (Pause. ominous, low voice.) And I am the white programmer that saturates the airwaves with white programming. (eyes narrow.) "Seventh Heaven"..."Providence"..."Dawson's Creek"..."Ally McBeal" without Ling or Rene. (lips curl.) "Friends."

(Many in the class shudder at her icy tone.)

ANDREA: I despise you, minority viewer. You, who do not fit in with the white-washed, middle-class, cookie-cutter, spirit-crushing norm of society. You who are not marketed to in the commercials that keep me afloat. I will never give you a lead role. I will have your parts played by white actors. I will destroy you!

(She takes several colored bean bags out of her pocket and drops them on the floor. She then takes a ruler and proceeds to beat the stuffing out of them.)

ANDREA: DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE... !!!

O'NEILL: (somewhat nervous) Um, um... that's very nice, Andrea, very, very nice. Feel free to take your seat. (Expressionless once more, Andrea lays aside the ruler, picks up the bean bags, and heads back to her desk.) Um... so did any of you students learn anything valuable from her performance?

(The class takes a few more seconds to recover. Then one girl toward the back of the class raises her hand.)

GIRL: Wow, what she said was just sooo true. It's sooo true, but I hadn't ever thought about it before. 

BRITTANY: Yeah! (looks at Jodie, lower lip trembling.) I'm so sorry, Jodie. I'll never ever watch "Friends" again!

JODIE: (amused and a bit uncomfortable) That's okay, Brittany, don't worry. "Friends" is a cool show. 

O'NEILL: (tipping his head slightly in a "caring instructor" way) So, Jodie, did Andrea's presentation hit a sensitive place within you?

(Beat)

JODIE: (awkward) Um, well... I guess. It would be nice for there to be more multiculturalism on T.V., just so there's a wider range of viewpoints to draw from. 

O'NEILL: Yes, yes! Isn't the black point-of-view being oppressed (dramatic shudder.) by that of the dominant culture?

JODIE: Sure... I guess. 

(Beat)

O'NEILL: Now Daria, it's time for you to share your oppressed heritage with the rest of us. 

(Pause. Daria stands up, reads from a sheet of paper.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Because of their Protestant beliefs, my mother's ancestors were encouraged by the English crown to settle in Seventeenth Century Northern Ireland. Little did they know that a century later, these same Protestant beliefs would lead to their persecution. For you see, they were not Angli-- (Suddenly interrupted by a sob from O'Neill.) What? It has a happy ending. 

O'NEILL: (sniffle, sniffle, sob) Oh Daria... why must you remind me of how my people were beaten down by the Ulsterites?!

(Daria gets a stunned "O-kaaaaay" look on her face.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (lockers, after class)

(Shot of Jane and Daria standing at their lockers. Daria still looks unnerved by O'Neill's outburst.)

DARIA: (annoyed) That went well. Maybe tomorrow we can discuss the potato famine. 

JANE: Aw, c'mon, cheer up. Mr. O'Neill's eyes ought to unswell any day now. 

(Just then, we see a bunch of kids trudge past in the foreground, mumbling and cursing.)

JANE: Ahhh, a new crop of sinners for Ms. Li to sentence. (taps her fingers together with faux anticipation.)

DARIA: I predict death by electric chair. Or by crushed ribs from too many stacked rocks. 

JANE: The way she's doling out suspensions, pretty soon we'll be able to fit all the students into a single class. (smirks wickedly.) Which, of course, will make it easy for us to get dirt on the popular people and use it against them. 

(Before Daria can reply, we see DeMartino chasing Li down the hallway, looking even more agitated then usual.)

DeMARTINO: I don't underSTAND, Ms. Li -- why can't I even call the WHITE students names?!

MS. LI: (irritated) Because, Mr. DeMartino -- sooome of those names might have components deemed offensive to minority students. Damned if I'm going to put my ass over the fire so you can unleash your daaaily avalanche of abuse. 

DeMARTINO: (clasping hands) But Ms. Li, have some huMANity! Think of Kevin Thompson. THINK OF KEVIN THOMPSON!!! (shouts this as he follows Li offscreen.)

DARIA: Think of how quickly he'll crack if he loses his primary method of torture. 

JANE: (smirking) Brookside beware. 

(Beat)

DARIA: On a more serious note: doesn't it seem to you like this rash of suspensions is just furthering our school's reputation for being a Stalingrad?

JANE: (frowning mildly) Maybe... but at least this time Our Tormentor has her stone-cold heart in the right place. Didn't you ever notice how frequently words like "nigger" and "gook" and "wetback" got tossed around without any punishment?

DARIA: I guess. (frowns.) Though I was too busy fending off my own share of nasty comments to pay attention. 

(Just then, Jodie and Mack come up.)

MACK: Hey, you guys! You both did a really good job today. 

DARIA: (sardonic) Liar. 

MACK: Say Jane, it was cool hearing about your dad's Comanche background. 

JANE: (smirking) Yes, well where else do you think the Lane family gets its good looks from?

MACK: I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but even though I'm a "minority," I've never taken much time to learn about other minorities. 

JODIE: Yeah, me neither. I liked your presentation, too, Daria. (smirks.) What little we got to hear of it. 

DARIA: Yes, well I might have chosen differently, had Quinn not claimed Judaism all for herself. 

(Sweeping pan-over to where Quinn is standing with Tiffany and Stacy. Quinn's in a chipper, dramatic mode.)

QUINN: ... and if they hadn't left Germany fifty years earlier, they definitely would've been exterminated by the Nazis. 

STACY: Oooooooooh... 

TIFFANY: Close call. 

QUINN: Hearing about my people's struggles have, like, totally made me want to find out more about them. So I've been plugging my dad for some info., and I might even like, learn the language or something. (chuckles.) Like, listen to some of these expressions. (Bt. heavy Brooklyn accent.) Gawd, Stacy, sometimes you can be such a goy! Oy vey!

TIFFANY: Cooool. (claps a little.)

STACY: (looking worried) What's a "goy"?

(Quinn shrugs.)

TIFFANY: (to Stacy) It's a gentile. 

QUINN: (surprised) You know the termonology??

STACY: (more worried) What's a "gentile"??

TIFFANY: (to Quinn) Yeah. My parents, like, taught it to me. 

QUINN: Oh right -- 'cause they're Jewish, too. (faint note of regret -- she'd wanted to be the only Jewish person.) So that, like, means you could be in the Israel booth with me at the fair this Friday. 

TIFFANY: (regretful) I can't. I got stuck with the China booth. 

QUINN: But you are Chinese, aren't you?

TIFFANY: Yeeeah, but that doens't mean I, like, know stuff. My parents tried to make me go to Chinese school once, but it was soooooo boring. They make you learn all those symbols. 

QUINN: Eww... sounds hard. 

TIFFANY: I wanted to be in the South America booth... the outfits they wear are soooooo cute. 

(Meanwhile, neither notices that Stacy has started hyperventilating. She now bursts into tears.)

QUINN: Stacy??

(Beat)

STACY: I tried and I tried, but I couldn't find any oppressed minorities in my background. I'm not interesting at aaaaaallllll!!!

(Quinn reaches over and pats her back sympathetically.)

QUINN: There, there, Stacy, it's okay. (Bt) Whoever said you were?

(Resume shot of Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Mack.)

DARIA: Not that I care she took it. I'm not gonna pretend to love a culture I don't know anything about, just to make the school think I'm not prejudiced. 

MACK: What do you mean "pretend"?

DARIA: Doesn't our classmates' sudden embrace of minorities seem superficial to you? Do you really think that deep down, people's opinions have changed?

JODIE: Well no... at least not in a major way. But then again, I never thought it would happen overnight. You have to start somewhere, and this is somewhere. 

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) That's not quite the attitude you had a week ago. 

JODIE: Hey, a week ago I was scared of what might happen. I thought for sure people would treat me like some alien from another planet. But not only have they been supportive, they've even gone... (smirks.) overboard. And talking about stuff to you guys in O'Neill's class helped me a lot. A lot. 

MACK: Same with me. You don't know how great it is to have people look at you and realize: "That black dude has feelings."

DARIA: I'm sure it must be. About as nice as it would be to have someone say the same about the "Misery Chick" and her "weird art friend."

JODIE: Yeah. Discussion's been sort of limited to race and ethnicity, hasn't it?

JANE: (offhand) The outcasts fall to the bottom of the barrel -- so what else is new? (Bt) At least injustice is being fought on one front. 

JODIE & MACK: Right. 

DARIA: And if there are enough people at school by the end of this week, we'll see how well the message of racial tolerance has sunk in. 

JODIE: You mean... ?

JANE: The suspensions. It's nice to see some idiots get what's coming to them, but y'know, I'll bet half of the kids in trouble didn't even mean to sound racist. 

MACK: Maybe not. (suddenly frowns.) But you can do a lot of damage just by saying stuff without thinking. 

JANE: (smirking) Hey, you don't need to tell me and Daria that. 

DARIA: So you support the "throw the book at them under any circumstances" approach? (Mack nods. Daria looks at Jodie.) And you?

JODIE: Well yeah... sure. (Bt. with more conviction.) If there's one thing I'm realizing, it's that there are a lot of people hiding in the cracks who will try to hurt you. Better to find them than to let them keep on hiding. 

(Beat. Obviously this was an answer Daria wasn't expecting, and the disappointment she feels can be seen ever-so-slightly on her face, if not heard in her tone.)

DARIA: So I s'pose that went for Sandi Griffin as well. 

JODIE: Yeah. (surprised to hear Daria mention her name.)

JANE: Geez, who if not Sandi Griffin? (a little bitter.) Let her see what it feels like to be in the doghouse because of her attitude. 

MACK: (to Daria, trying not to sound irritated) You're not saying you think Jodie did wrong by fingering Sandi, are you?

DARIA: (shrugging) Not if she knows for a fact that Sandi was guilty. 

JODIE: Of course I... (Pause) All right, I didn't have absolute proof she said anything when I gave her name to Ms. Li, but it sounds like something she'd do. If not at that time, then later. 

(Beat. Again, Daria can't completely conceal her disappointment. She cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: I see. Cool. (Bt) Well it's getting late, Jane -- we'd better go. 

JANE: Late? (Something in Daria's bearing makes it clear her suggestion is urgent.) Um, yeah, we'd better. See you guys. 

(They leave. Jodie and Mack watch them for a few seconds, confused by the suddenness of their departure. Then, after glancing an "I'll see you later" to Mack, Jodie goes after them. She walks up quickly along Daria's other side.)

JODIE: (mild exasperation) Daria, did I say something that rubbed you the wrong way?

(Beat)

DARIA: (clipped) Nope. 

JANE: Yeah, I'm kind of curious, too. 

(Beat)

DARIA: (to Jodie) It's not so much what you said now as what you told me a while ago -- during our crazy "Class Land" experience. And other times. (Bt) Just some boring stuff about how most people are good and how if we tried, different personality types could get along. 

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) No offense Daria, but I never even knew you believed that stuff. 

(Daria frowns with some resentment. Jane gets a reflective look.)

JANE: (to Jodie) I guess it's more important that you believed it. 

DARIA: And I may be your run-of-the-mill, cold-hearted outcast, but even I know that this "zero tolerance" policy won't do anything to further that goal. 

(Pause. Jodie reflects on that for a few moments, then grows yet more frustrated.)

JODIE: Hey, I still want that, okay?? But I'm not gonna give up the chance to give people their just desserts. You just don't understand what it's like!

DARIA: (stopping in her tracks) Try me. 

(Beat. Jodie and Jane stop, too. Jodie gets a look of determination.)

JODIE: I have to deal with people calling me names behind my back... 

DARIA: Oh no, I wouldn't know what that's like. Would you, Jane?

JODIE: (frowning darkly) I've had people treating me like I don't belong here. I've been pushed, spit on, threatened --

DARIA: Nope. Wouldn't have a clue. 

JANE: (sardonic) That nastiness during my campaign was all just a figment of my imagination. 

JODIE: Would you just be quiet?! (Daria and Jane look at her, stunned.) There's a difference between you guys and me. You choose to have people poke fun at you. 

(Pause)

JANE: (surprised) "Choose"?

DARIA: I wouldn't call being ostracized from Day One based on my personality a "choice."

JODIE: So?? You wear those clothes, you refuse to participate in school activities. All you have to do is put on some normal clothes and you'd blend in in a second. 

(Beat. Daria and Jane glance at each other, irritated.)

JANE: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. It's that simple. 

JODIE: Whereas I'm President of the Student Body, I'm on practically every club imaginable, I'm a straight-A student, and I still get harassed. I'm a model teenager, and it's not enough. I've done everything I possibly could to blend in, and it's still not enough!

(Daria and Jane listen expressionlessly. Jodie is red-faced and agitated, making jerky motions with her hands as she speaks.)

JODIE: You think I work as hard as I do just to please my parents?? NO -- it's because I want people to know me for who I am before they decide by my skin color that I'm something else. And you will never understand what that's like!

(long Pause)

DARIA: (quiet, cool) You're right. I wouldn't understand what it's like to be judged unfairly. I'm white. (Bt) Come on, Jane... 

JANE: (quiet) See you around, Jodie... 

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 6 (lockers, after school)

(Shot of Stacy and Tiffany walking away from their lockers together. Suddenly Quinn comes toward them from the opposite direction. They both freeze when they see her -- obviously her presence wasn't expected.)

QUINN: (chipper) Hey guys! Got sprung from math prison 'cause Mr. Phelps got in trouble for mispronouncing a student's last name, so what d' you say we go hit Cashman's?

(Pause)

TIFFANY: Um... 

STACY: (timid) Um... we'd like to, Quinn, but Tiffany and I have to go somewhere. Not together, of course, just... 

TIFFANY: Yeah. Not together. 

(Beat)

QUINN: (suspicious) Oookay. (Bt) So where are you going -- separately?

(Pause)

STACY: Um... (winces.) not to Sandi's. 

TIFFANY: No way. 

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Why are you guys going to Sandi's?

STACY: Um... we're just going to, um, give her her as-assignments. 

QUINN: Why? You know she'll never do them. 

STACY: Yeah, but... we just wanna (quickly.) see-how-she's-doing. (Bt. bursts out.) We're sorry, Quinn!! We would've told you, but we know how you hate Sandi, and --

QUINN: (quiet) I don't hate Sandi. 

TIFFANY: You don't?

STACY: B-but you always get so mad whenever we mention her name, so we thought --

QUINN: (flat) Well you were wrong. I don't hate Sandi -- Sandi hates me. (Bt) Look, why don't you guys go? I'll see you tomorrow. 

(She leaves immediately.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 7 (Landon residence, that evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie and Mack sitting in Jodie's room. Jodie's sitting up on her bed, hugging her knees, wearing a troubled expression.)

JODIE: (weary) Well Mom and Dad are happy. You should've heard them at dinner, about power to the people and finally getting the school to see what's been unseen 'til now. The only thing they're upset about is having to pay Daria's mom's legal fees. 

MACK: That's great. (Bt. sympathetic.) Isn't it?

(Jodie sighs quietly.)

JODIE: Sure. (Bt) But I've also been thinking: maybe Daria had a point earlier today. 

MACK: (rolling his eyes with slight exasperation) What -- you mean her point about Ms. Li's crackdown on racists in the student body? Listen Jodie, Daria may think she's right about everything, but that doesn't mean she is. You have every reason to be glad the school's finally listening to us. 

JODIE: Yeah, but --

MACK: (firm, smirking slightly) If there's one problem you have, it's that you're too into self-denial. If someone complains "It's not fair," you automatically think you have to compensate them. Well just enjoy getting benefits for once. Just because some people have been hard hit, or because outcasts aren't getting the same good response as we are, doesn't mean things won't correct themselves eventually. 

(Jodie seems mildly reassured by Mack's response. But then another troubled look crosses her face.)

JODIE: I hope so... because sometimes I feel as though this crackdown isn't doing any good. 

MACK: (startled) What d'you mean?

JODIE: I still see the nasty looks... don't you?

(Beat)

MACK: (a little uncomfortable) Yeah... sometimes. But things are still better than they were. And if you keep seeing the looks, go to the principal and complain. Don't be afraid to speak up about this. 

(Beat)

JODIE: All right. (Pause. We hear the phone on her side table ring. Jodie reaches for it, and is about to pick it up, but it stops on the second ring. She lays her arm across her knees again and sighs.) And while I'm at it, maybe I could say something to Mr. O'Neill about his approach to teaching about minority cultures. I have to agree with Daria on that point -- it is kind of shallow. 

MACK: You think?

JODIE: I mean it's all "suffering" this,"suffering" that. How we as a race of people have suffered. No one at school's been learning about the positive aspects of black or other cultures -- or that there's more than one type of black experience. Some of the discrimination Mr. O'Neill's been talking about is stuff I've never had to deal with. 

MACK: Hmm... then maybe you should say something to him. 

JODIE: But it just makes me feel guilty, you know? Like: "Geez, they've done so much for us already. I can't ask them for any more favors, or they'll accuse me of being ungrateful."

(Beat)

MACK: (shaking his head slowly) Yeah -- sadly enough, I do know. 

(Just then we hear a knock on the door.)

RACHEL: (offscreen VO) Jodie -- phone for you. (Bt) It's Sandi Griffin. 

(Jodie looks at Mack, stunned. Then she frowns angrily.)

JODIE: I'm almost afraid to hear what she has to say. 

(Slowly she reaches over and picks up the phone. Places it against her ear.)

JODIE: (cautious) Hello?

(Pause)

SANDI: (from the receiver. icy) I have just one thing to say to you. I do not know where you got the idea that I was one of the morons who said racist stuff to you, but frankly, I am insulted. 

JODIE: (slightly stunned) Oh really?

SANDI: Yes, really. And for the humiliation you've put me through, I believe an apology is in order. 

(Beat)

JODIE: You want me to apologize to you?

SANDI: Are you having trouble hearing, or something??

(Pause. Jodie feels herself growing angrier. Her grip on the phone tightens.)

JODIE: (cold) You want an apology?? Okay, fine. (Bt) Here's your apology. 

(She slams the phone down on its cradle.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Split screen of Andrea beating bean bags on the floor and O'Neill shuddering dramatically.]

You are now entering SUPER BOWL commercial HELL!!!!!! Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest, most EXPENSIVE commercials put on television.

Following a bloated, confusing halftime special which was heavy on Disney promotion (on Disney-owned ABC, of course) and themes of globalization and the millennium (what else?)...

One of the very best commercials was the cat-herding one. A bunch of lone rangers chased dozens of housecats across the prairie on horseback. At one point, a couple bemoaned the number of scratches they had received as a result of their "dangerous" work. The commercial really had no point (it was for another e-company), but other than that, it was priceless. 10 for special effects, 8 for humor, for an overall rating of 9. 

Back to the game. Quarterback throws a pass. Wide receiver catches it. Coach calls a time-out. We break for another commercial...

Another great commercial was one that spoofed the GAP commercials. You see a bunch of twenty-somethings standing around like zombies, dressed the same and singing in an eery monotone, when suddenly they're scared off by an Oldsmobile. The message: be original. I'd give it a 7 for the surprise factor, 5 for the song selection, and a 6 for the attractiveness of the models, giving it an overall rating of 6. 

The game. Setting up for a field goal. It's... no good! How 'bout a commercial?

ENOUGH Regis Philbin!!! He was prancing through every promo for an ABC show, from "Sports Night" to "Dharma and Greg." Just because he's on a highly-successful quiz show doesn't mean he himself is irresistible. At one point when he appeared, I couldn't resist changing the channel... 

You are now leaving SUPER BOWL commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived? No... because that means you have to watch the game. ; >

PRIMARILY COLOR

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, Friday morning)

(Shot of the outside of the gym. SUPER: Day of Multicultural Fair.)

(The fair is the "crown jewel" of O'Neill's plans for promoting diversity. It's a day-long event which will consist of several booths from different parts of the world, and a central circle where performances will be given. Most students will be free to come and go as they please; the rest are in charge of manning the booths and setting up.)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane on the gym floor, struggling to unfold table legs, as the booths sprout up around them. It's a pretty amusing sight -- just imagine them trying every way imaginable to pry the legs into place.)

DARIA: Remind me again how we got talked into doing this. (leans her back against the table while she uses her own legs to push out the table's.)

JANE: 'Cause Mr. O'Neill urged us to come -- said it would be a good experience. 

DARIA: But that doesn't explain why we're torturing ourselves on these tables -- agh! (as a bar smacks into her hand.)

JANE: It gets us out of class. (shrugs.) And we're suckers. 

DARIA: I thought so. 

(Shot of Quinn and Stacy walking on the other side of the gym, huffing and puffing under the load of two heavy boxes.)

STACY: What's (huff) in here??

QUINN: My (huff) Dad went a little overboard last night when he lent me his old (huff) things. (Bt. firm) But you promised you'd help me, so you can't back out now. 

(Just then, an energized O'Neill bounds up to them.)

O'NEILL: Good morning, girls! Isn't it a perfect day for a multicultural fair??

STACY & QUINN: (grunting) Hghhh. 

O'NEILL: And I assume those are for the Israel booth, right?

QUINN: (weary) Yes. 

O'NEILL: Excellent! Now follow me, and we'll go fire up the grill!

(Pause)

STACY & QUINN: Grill??

O'NEILL: For frying latkes! (rubs his stomach.) Mmmmm... 

(Quinn and Stacy drop the boxes with a loud clatter.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 2 (a short time later)

(Shot of Daria and Jane struggling to lift a canopy over one of the tables.)

JANE: So you're saying you think Jodie was wrong to finger Sandi as a racist?

DARIA: I haven't joined the Cult of Griffin, if you're worried. But my "Class Land" nightmare did teach me that Jodie could sometimes let hostility get the better of her. 

JANE: (nodding slowly) Could be... could be. (Bt. gets an uncomfortable look.) But even so... I did not enjoy fighting with her. It made me feel really, really, really... 

DARIA: Bleh. 

JANE: Yes, bleh. (Bt) I mean geez, this is Jodie. She's always been one of the good ones. Even when we disagreed on stuff, there were no hard feelings. And now, we're picking each other apart trying to figure out who's more oppressed than whom. (worried.) Is this how things are going to be now in this supposedly more tolerant environment?

DARIA: (also a bit worried) Let's hope not. 

JANE: I've always called Jodie a friend, even though we run with different crowds. (Bt) I don't want that to change. 

(Beat)

DARIA: You and me both. (Bt) But I suppose if I'm forced, kicking and screaming, to find a silver lining, it's that we got to hear each other out. We heard more of her side, and she heard more of ours. 

JANE: Yeah. (shrugs.) And I guess she did have a point about the color of her skin. Because she's black, someone could just look across the room and hate her guts, whereas with us --

DARIA: They'd have to get to know our personality first. 

JANE: Yeah -- assuming we were dressed like prep school weinerheads. (shrugs again.) And having to serve as a role model for an entire minority group can't be too much fun, either. 

DARIA: Nope. 

(Pause. They look at each other, resigned.)

JANE: So you think we ought to find Jodie and try to sort things out?

(Beat)

DARIA: Sure. (Bt) But maybe after this fair hoopla is over with. I'm almost afraid of what this thing will be like. (Bt) On second thought, I am afraid. 

JANE: Oh, I'm sure a nice, cleansing sobfest won't be so bad. (Pause. She gets an uneasy look on her face.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 3 (a short time later)

(Shot of Jodie standing in another corner of the gym. She's just arrived to help out, and has spotted Daria and Jane. At first she makes a move to go over and talk to them, then changes her mind. She's been avoiding them for the past few days, and they her. She fears now that if she went over, she'd get the cold shoulder. Instead, Jodie chooses to take in the festivities that are going up around her. She appears to like what she sees, but we sense a growing level of uneasiness in her demeanor. Just then, O'Neill comes up to her.)

O'NEILL: Jodie! I'm glad I found you! How do you like the way things are set up??

(Beat)

JODIE: (mustering an enthusiastic tone) Oh, it's great. (Bt) But, um... Mr. O'Neill, what's that?? (points offscreen.)

(Pan over to show a bunch of students walking into the center of the gym. They're slumped over and dressed in raggedy clothing, their faces bleak. Resume shot of Jodie and O'Neill.)

O'NEILL: That is one of the events I've set up. (dramatic) It's a re-enactment of the Trail of Tears. Students who choose to do so can experience what it was like to be Cherokee Indians driven from their homeland by unfeeling white soldiers. (Bt. points elsewhere offscreen.) Then, over there in the corner, you can watch a spirited (fist pump.) narration of Uncle Tom's Cabin with shadow puppets. Witness Tom's struggle with one master after another, subjected to beatings by the evil Simon L--

JODIE: (nervous) Mr. O'Neill. (He looks at her quizzically.) We... I think we have to talk. 

O'NEILL: Okay... 

(Fade-out. Fade-in to close-up of O'Neill's face, wearing a thoughtful expression. Cut to wide shot. Several minutes have passed, during which Jodie, looking distressed, has been explaining her thoughts about Mr. O'Neill's plans. She finally stops, and pulls back almost as thought she's ashamed.)

O'NEILL: Hmm... 

JODIE: Mr. O'Neill, please don't feel bad. I really appreciate all you've done, it's just --

O'NEILL: No, no, Jodie, you don't ever need to make excuses. (pats her on the back lightly.) Those were excellent observations you made. Why not broaden the fair to present a more diverse, enriched image of minority lifestyles?? (Bt. shakes his head.) I guess I just felt so guilty I hadn't been showing more compassion to minority students, I got carried away with the darker view. 

JODIE: (sincerely) It's okay, Mr. O'Neill -- I know you've meant well. 

O'NEILL: Perhaps you could help come up with ways to tone things down. (another thoughtful expression crosses his face.) And perhaps I could take care of another problem... 

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (sometime later that afternoon)

(Overhead shot of the fair, now fully set up. It looks pretty colorful, with a lot of booths and posters and tapestries scattered all over the place. Thanks to Jodie, a lot of the bleak stuff has been removed. Instead of watching performances, most students are taking the time to explore the different booths, ask questions about them, and talk casually amongst themselves. And gorge on food offered at the booths. Although students aren't required to stay at the fair long, many have -- both to get out of class and because they're genuinely interested. Yet don't look for this fair to be the epitome of racial and ethnic awareness [it is a school fair, after all]. Many of the students are wearing generic costumes that depict a certain culture, or put stereotypical relics of that culture on display. But when you consider how non-existent anything of diversity was at LHS beforehand, this seems like a significant step.)

(Cut to close-up shot of Li walking around, inspecting everything with her usual no-nonsense frown. She finally pauses next to O'Neill, who's been watching everything from the sidelines.)

MS. LI: Eeeevrything seems in order, Mr. O'Neill. Though I'll be sending out the dogs and activating the metal detectors just in case. 

O'NEILL: Yes... everything looks really super. Oh, but I had hoped that more students would attend. 

MS. LI: Yes, well maybe if they hadn't defied the "zero tolerance" policy, they'd still be allowed in school to attend. 

O'NEILL: (hand to his mouth) Oh my. So many??

(Cut to close-up of the Israel booth. We see that there's a long line of students in front of it, poised to get latkes. Quinn is standing at the grill, dressed in the outfit of an Orthodox Jewish woman, with a shawl, etc. She looks extremely vexed. Stacy is next to her, dressed as an Orthodox Jewish man -- dark suit, hat, and a phony beard. She appears to be absorbed in reading a book. There are several books on display, including the Hebrew Bible, as well as dreidels and other items. On the back wall hangs a large poster which depicts Israel over the last 50 years.)

QUINN: (irritated. to the students) Haven't you vultures had enough?? These are just a bunch of greasy flattened potatoes -- you might as well just buy some French fries! (touches her forehead.) Ewwwww! Between the icky grease and the heat, my skin is a total mess!

(The students don't care; they continue to line up for the latkes. Stacy doesn't respond, being too absorbed in the book.)

QUINN: All these'll do is make you gain twenty pounds an' break out! (reaches for her hair, fingers the shawl with irritation.) And could this outfit be any more dowdy?? It's enough to make me reconsider this whole going-Jewish thing. I should've done what Tiffany did and traded to be in the South America booth. 

(Cut to shot of Tiffany in the South America booth, admiring herself in a swimsuit.)

TIFFANY: I'm cuuuuuuuute. 

(Resume shot of Quinn and Stacy.)

QUINN: (glaring) Stacy!

(Stacy looks up, startled.)

STACY: Oh... sorry, Quinn. You know, this book says that Jehovah really isn't the ancient name for God -- that a Christian scholar read the Hebrew word wrong. But they're not even sure how the right word for God was pronounced because only the ancient Jewish high priests were allowed to say it -- everyone else called him "Adonai," which means --

QUINN: (impatient) Fascinating. Stacy, would you take over, now??

STACY: Oh, sure. (Bt) And it also says that King Herod's family hadn't been Jewish for very long by the time he became king. They got converted by John Hyrcanus of the Maccabees --

QUINN: John hired Mack's anus what??

STACY: No -- Maccabees. They were the ones who saved the Jewish temple from becoming a Greek temple. And Herod was the king at the time of Jesus. (Bt) Quinn, could I borrow this?

(Beat)

QUINN: (mystified by her enthusiasm) Sure. (rolls her eyes.) Go knock yourself out. 

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Jodie and Mack, who have been manning the Africa booth. We see several colorful artifacts, but instead of sitting back and showing them to people, both are busy chit-chatting with the people in the Carribean Islands booth next door. Jodie is talking to one girl, and Mack is talking to a few guys.)

JODIE: The same town?? I can't believe it. 

GIRL: (nodding) From the way I look, no one would guess I had a black relative from Bermuda. Most of my family came from Cuba. 

JODIE: I wonder if my grandfather and your grandmother knew each other. 

GIRL: (shrugging) It was small town. I wouldn't be surprised. 

JODIE: Do you have any more pictures? If you're willing to wait, I can run home real quick and get some of my own... 

(Cut to shot of Mack, who's been giving the history of his relatives to the other students.)

MACK: ... And so it was kind of a Romeo and Juliet thing. Great-grandpa was black, Great-grandma was white, their families were against the marriage. (smirks ruefully.) Sure, they had to break off contact from their loved ones and stamp out a few burning crosses in their frontyard, but hey, as they say, love conquers all. 

GUY: Whoa, man. Did they make it?

MACK: As a couple, you mean? (shaking his head.) After sixty-years together, they finally got taken down. (Bt) By old age. 

(The guy momentarily looks stunned, then gets what Mack said, and gives him a light punch on the shoulder.)

GUY: Way to throw us for a loop, bro. You tell a mean story. 

GUY 2: Yeah. You know, I was kind of reluctant to come to this fair O'Neill had planned. But it's turned out to be okay. 

MACK: Didn't want to come? Why not?

GUY 2: (shrugging) Ah... you know. Thought everything would be all serious, and I'd say the wrong thing and people'd think I was a bigot, or something. 

MACK: (stunned) Oh. (gets a thoughtful look on his face.) Hmmm... 

(For a few moments he sits there and reflects, as though he's realizing something for the first time. Then he looks offscreen and groans loudly.)

(Pan over to show Kevin not far in the distance. He's busy eating a kabob -- rather sloppily, too. The sauce drips all over him and on the floor. He walks cheerfully and obliviously up to DeMartino, who's observing the goings-on at the fair from the sidelines.)

KEVIN: Heeeeeyyyy, Mr. D! Neat-o costume!

(DeMartino glances around, trying to see if he can get away with uttering something nasty. Finally he realizes he can't.)

DeMARTINO: (gritting teeth) I'm not WEARING one, Kevin, my fine LAD. 

(Kevin flicks his hand, so that sauce from the kabob flies onto DeMartino's shirt.)

KEVIN: Oops. (grins) Sorrrrrryyyy. 

DeMARTINO: That's OKAY, my boy. (grits his teeth harder, his eye nearly pops out.) Try to be a little more CAREful next time. 

KEVIN: Nooooo problem, Mr. D. (claps him on the shoulder, and is rewarded by a nearly teeth-shattering scowl. Just then, Kevin spies Mack offscreen and waves.) Heeeeyyyy, Mack Daddy!

MACK: (offscreen) How many times have I told you -- DON'T call me that!!

(Kevin waves at him again, nonchalant. Just then, as if on cue, Ms. Li appears. She glares at Kevin.)

MS. LI: (stern) Mr. Thompson, you seem to have called Mr. MacKenzie a name he finds offeeeeensive. Suspended! (She leaves.)

KEVIN: Who is? (long Pause. shock) Me?!

DeMARTINO: YES!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, who have witnessed this whole thing.)

JANE: Admit it: that was funny. 

DARIA: (smirking) All right, I'll admit that was. (Bt. takes a bite of her own kabob.) But it figures: here we are at Disneyland, and who should appear but Cruella DeVil?

JANE: Hmm, "Disneyland"? (finishes off her latke.) Why do I have a feeling that's not a flattering comparison?

DARIA: (shrugging a response) Again, I ask: will any of this really change anything at school? After we're blinded by the shiny colors and nearly die of food-poisoning from one too many half-frozen kabobs, who's to say we won't all have forgotten our lesson in diversity come Monday morning?

(Beat)

JANE: Yeah, well... a wise person said you gotta start somewhere. And I guess this is somewhere. (Bt) When you think about it, what are the alternatives?

DARIA: A P.C. Police State. 

JANE: You said it. At least here, people are hanging out together, having a little fun, maybe learning a thing or two about different cultures. There's no nastiness... 

(Cut to shot of Brittany, Andrea, and Upchuck playing Mah-jong at the China booth.)

BRITTANY: (twirling a lock of hair, frowning at her tiles) This is hard. 

UPCHUCK: (smiling wickedly) Laaaadies... I believe the Chuckster declares himself winner. (gestures at his tiles.) Now according to our arrangement, which one of you lovelies is going to strip down to her bare essentials and give me some loooovin'??

(Pause. Brittany and Andrea look at each other, stunned, for a few seconds. Then Brittany gives Upchuck a cheerleader's kick where the sun don't shine, and Andrea picks him up by the scruff of the neck and shoves him away.)

DARIA: (offscreen) Other than the usual cruelty and mayhem. 

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Stacy. Quinn's struggling to spin a dreidel. Stacy's gotten the hang of cooking latkes, and is now spooning out bits of knowledge from the book she was reading to everyone.)

STACY: (cheerful) ... And the Pharisees taught a practical form of Judaism, which wasn't really well-liked by the apocalyptic groups, like the Essenes and the Christians, who thought purity laws should be strictly observed at all times... 

(Quinn looks up at Stacy dazedly for a few seconds. Her dreidel collapses on the table.)

(Cut to shot of Tiffany, Ms. Barch, a few other female students, and Mr. Phelps at the South America booth. A girl has just handed Phelps a cup of coffee.)

PHELPS: (with disdain) I'm sorry, I just don't like Colombian. I prefer the much superior flavor of Guatemala Antigua. 

BARCH: (rolling her eyes) Aw come on, Snooty -- crushed beans and water ain't a whole lot different no matter where it comes from. 

PHELPS: (cool, raising a brow at her) With that attitude, Janet, you will never brew a decent cup of coffee. 

BARCH: And you'll never learn how to get that stick out of your ass. But may I remind you that some poor Colombian woman probably spent every day slaving away in the fields to harvest the beans that went into that coffee, while the man of the house just watched and sipped lemonade. 

PHELPS: I really don't think that's true --

BARCH: So dammit, you'll DRINK it!!

(Phelps presses his lips together and glares at her with resentment, but finally does what she says. Meanwhile Tiffany leans toward him.)

TIFFANY: Does this make me look fat?

(Cut to shot of some guys standing in the far corner of the gym, gazing at the festivities and smirking and laughing. Resume shot of Daria and Jane. Daria sees this, cocks a wary eyelid.)

JANE: Yeah, you have to start somewhere. But how far you go with multiculturalism depends on how important each person thinks it is. 

DARIA: (sardonic) Individual thought. Scary. 

JANE: (shrugging) I dunno... it kind of is scary. At least for people like Jodie, who have to worry about some idiots never getting a clue, no matter how much they're taught. 

DARIA: Hmm... yeah. 

JANE: (sly glance) And admit it, my friend. You could stand to have a little more cultural awareness in your life. 

DARIA: Perhaps. (Bt. frowns) Wait -- you're not saying I'm one of the idiots, are you??

(Jane merely smirks wickedly -- and ducks.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 5 (Israel booth, a short time later)

(Shot of Quinn and Stacy. The line has dwindled; now people mostly drift by. Quinn's given up on the dreidel -- she's now flipping through the book Stacy was looking at. Stacy's watching people go by. She sees Ms. Li, and gets a subdued expression.)

STACY: Hey, Quinn? Did you hear that Jamie White got suspended?

QUINN: Who?

STACY: You know -- the third J. 

QUINN: Ohhhhh. (She forgot his name!) How come?

STACY: He was standing up for Sandi to Ms. Li. He said she wasn't so mean, and that she'd apologized to him for stuff she'd done. 

QUINN: Oh. (gets a funny look on her face.)

(Pause)

STACY: (timid) Do... you... think she said racist things?

QUINN: (shrugging) Sure she did. Sandi's capable of lots of stuff. 

(Beat)

STACY: I... don't know. Sandi wasn't so bad when me an' Tiffany went to visit her. She was even kind of nice... for her. 

QUINN: (turning to Stacy. irritated) Well of course she was nice. She knows she can't control you guys, anymore. But the minute she becomes president again, you'd better watch out. 

(Beat)

STACY: Um... yeah. (Pause. even more timid -- recognizing the hostility that is building within her friend.) Quinn?

QUINN: What?

STACY: I thought you told me that you don't hate Sandi, but she hates you. (Bt) What makes you think that?

(Quinn tosses her hands in the air and glares at her.)

QUINN: God, Stacy, didn't you pay attention to anything she did when she was president?? (Bt) She never knew how to give a sincere compliment. She was always putting us down, especially me. She wouldn't listen to anything that didn't mesh with what she was thinking. Oh, and then there's the itty-bitty fact that she was too happy to use my vision problems as an excuse to dump me from the Fashion Club. So I dunno, Stacy -- maybe that's why I think she hates me!

(Pause)

STACY: (quiet) Wh-why d' you think she acted that way?

QUINN: How should I know?? She was probably just jealous of me. Maybe she doesn't really think she has what it takes and hated everyone who does. 

(Pause. Stacy cowers a little under Quinn's icy glare. She takes a few steps away.)

STACY: Oh. Oh-okay. (Bt) That m-makes... um, that makes sense... 

(Beat)

QUINN: (mystified by the sudden change in her demeanor) Geez, Stacy, what is wrong with you?? Why're you acting so freaked out all of a sudden?? You act like I'm gonna bite, or something. 

(Pause)

STACY: I-I... (takes several deep breathes... is starting to hyperventilate.) I'm sorry, Quinn. 

QUINN: Well snap out of it. (chuckles with irritation and amusement.)

STACY: I-I would, but... 

QUINN: What??

STACY: I-it's just... (Pause) I used to get scared around Sandi an' not say anything right because she was always so m-mean and angry. And I never felt that way around you... b-but now... (Pause) since you became president, y-you sometimes act just like her. 

(Stacy's mouth trembles; the instant these last words leave her mouth, she looks as though she regrets them. Quinn gazes at her -- first with astonishment, then anger, then with some sorrow. For the next several seconds neither speaks. Finally Quinn tosses a hand in the air with disgust.)

QUINN: Watch the booth, Stacy. I'll be right back. 

(She goes to find Ms. Li.)

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane walking on the other side of the gym. They've done most of their fair exploration, and are now ready to talk to Jodie.)

JANE: (looking offscreen) Hmm, Jodie's not at the Africa booth, anymore. Wonder where she went... 

(cut to:)

SCENE 6 (outside, at that same time)

(Shot of Jodie walking out of the gym, in the direction of her car. She's going to run and get the photos of her grandfather from Bermuda, as she promised the girl at the Caribbean booth. As she passes one building, the sound of faint, uncontrolled laughter hits her ears. Jodie stops, gets a suspicious frown. She creeps over and peers around one side of the building. From her POV, we see many of the guys Daria spied earlier, joking amongst themselves.)

GUY: ... Man, did you see all those freaky-looking outfits?? That one guy looked like such a big homo, I was ready to pound him one. 

GUY 2: Dude, let's do it after this crappy fair is over with. Or maybe we could figure out how to trash the fair so it ends early. 

GUY: No way, dude. Li would kick our asses out of school so fast --

GUY 3: So what?? It's what she'd do anyway, with all her friggin' suspensions. At least this way we could show 'er how we feel about having to go to a school that kisses minorities' asses. 

GUY: Yeah, I'm sick of having to play suck up to the stupid niggers and wetbacks. They're taking over!

GUY 2: You said it. And none of this touchy-feely crap's gonna make me see them as anything but niggers and wetbacks. 

GUY 3: So how 'bout let's trash the stupid thing. Show 'em who's boss!

JODIE: Dammit, you'd better not!

(She blurts these words without thinking. The guys turn and look at her, first shocked, then with smirks of rage and scorn.)

GUY: Ooh well look: the one who started it all. 

GUY 2: Awwww... so does that mean you're gonna go cry to your mama and Ms. Li and tell us big bad boys to stop??

JODIE: (face reddening) You shut the hell up. 

GUY 3: Hey, watch it, ho!

GUY: Easy, man. Don't go scaring the poor wussy bitch like that. You might make her go wah-wah to that cunt, Li, an' get us kicked out. 

JODIE: (low voice) It'd be what you deserve. 

(Beat)

GUY 2: Ooooh, well look: she is gonna go complain. (immitation of a baby's whine.) Wahhhhhh-wahhhhh... I can't keep up with the whiiiiiiite kids!!!

GUY 3: (playing along) Wahhhhhhhh... I'm not as smart as 'em, my mama's on welfaaaare... my daddy's flipping burgers... an' the school's gotta teach Ebonics an' crap to me 'cause I can't speak good E-e-engliiiiish!!!

JODIE: That is NOT true!

GUY: (ominous tone) Y' know, bitch, I'm getting tired of your whining. Maybe you oughtta be taught a lesson in fairness. 

GUY 3: (also ominous) Maybe we oughtta show you who's boss. 

(The first guy cracks his knuckles and walks slowly toward her. The other two follow. Jodie goes pale, and trembles slightly, but holds her ground. The guy makes a motion like he's going to hit her, causing Jodie to cringe slightly. He then stares at her, starts smirking, and then cracks up. His cronies do so as well. They laugh loudly, pleased with their fake-out.)

GUY: Thanks a bunch, bitch. We'll have to do that again sometime... 

(He motions to the other two guys. Feeling that they've worked out their rage by teasing a black student, they no longer feel like taking revenge on the fair. Instead, they all jet away, leaving Jodie red-faced and shaking.)

JODIE: (closing her eyes) You're not worth it... you're not worth it... 

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 7 (sometime later)

(Shot of Jodie standing alone at a tether ball court, not far from the gym. She's been standing there for a while, pushing the ball back and forth, sometimes softly, other times with a force that causes the ball to nearly be yanked off its rope. Her expression is blank, and her eyes look slightly glazed over. At long last, she closes her eyes, seeming very, very tired. A couple of tears squeeze through the crack in her eyelids and hover there. Suddenly, from offscreen, we hear the click-clattering sound of heels on the pavement. At first faint, they grow louder and louder. Jodie show no signs of hearing. Then:)

SANDI: (offscreen) There you are. 

(Jodie looks up. Without thinking, she takings the ball and hurls it in Sandi's direction. We see that it misses her by a hair, then flies back and smacks the pole. Sandi's haughty visage gives way to shock. She frantically checks out her hair and nails to make sure they've been undisturbed, then clenches her fists and glares at Jodie.)

SANDI: Like, what the HELL was that for?!

JODIE: (not putting up with crap) It's my way of saying stay AWAY from me!! I'M SICK OF YOU, AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! God, you think you OWN THE WORLD!!! You think you can just DICTATE TO PEOPLE what's fair and HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE! (sniffles.) And you just bully people who don't agree with you by hitting them where it hurts most! Well I've been hurt, and I don't want to be hurt anymore, so just stay the hell away!!

(With that, the tears flow harder down her cheeks. Sandi watches her, anger giving way to discomfort.)

SANDI: Geez... I guess this was the wrong time to come... 

(Pause. She turns away and starts to leave. But after taking a few steps, she looks back over her shoulder at Jodie. Jodie has covered her eyes and is leaning against the tether ball pole. Some of the tears on her cheeks drip onto her shirt. Sandi stands there stiffly, then glances around for someone to relieve her of this awkward situation. Finally she turns and reluctantly heads back over to Jodie. She reaches into her purse and extracts a lacy handkerchief.)

SANDI: (stiff) Um, here. (offers it to Jodie.) You can, like, use it if you want. But it was specially designed by Calvin Klein himself, so try not to stain it too much. 

(long Pause. Finally Jodie makes a jerking motion with her hand to show that she refuses. She turns away and tries to wipe her tears off with her sleeve. Looking a tad insulted, Sandi puts the handkerchief back, then searches through her purse some more.)

SANDI: Well then maybe you could benefit from a few skin ointments. Puffy skin around the eyes is so not attractive. 

JODIE: (sniff) Why are you here??

(Beat)

SANDI: You, like, hung up the phone on me an' I wasn't going to go to your house, so I came here to tell you off. (Bt) Only that doesn't seem like the right thing to do now. 

(Jodie doesn't respond; she sinks down on the ground. Sandi stands over her, still looking torn about whether to leave or stay.)

SANDI: (decisive) I did not say racist stuff to you. I wouldn't say racist stuff to you. Perhaps I did a few things in the past to make you think -- (interrupted by a sharp laugh from Jodie.)

JODIE: A few things?? (sniff, cough.) You've never been anything but a complete jerk, even when you try to defend yourself. From the way you hurt Jane, it seems just like you to say hateful things to me if you thought I was a threat. (Bt) So what did I do, Sandi -- show you you're not as popular as you think you are, or something??

(Pause. During this time, Sandi's face has gone pale. She now glares at Jodie.)

SANDI: (cool) If you, like, weren't a crying mess right now, I'd tell you that your Little Miss Perfect act gets really annoying. And it's all a big fake. Who's the one saying nasty stuff to me --?

JODIE: Just go away. 

SANDI: No! Not until you tell Li I didn't say racist stuff to you. 

JODIE: (dripping sarcasm) Oh, fine, so this is why you came. (sniff) You just don't want to get a bad rep, is that it?? Well how am I supposed to believe you didn't say anything racist??

SANDI: Because I wouldn't. (eyes narrowing.) I mean yes, you are annoying as hell, thinking that you're always so much nicer and better than everyone else. But that doesn't translate into a problem with your skin color. If I really wanted to insult you, I would start with your pores and work my way up to your hairstyle and wardrobe preference. 

(Beat. Jodie listens, a sober look on her face.)

SANDI: Besides, when I think about that other stuff I did, I, um, (gets an uncomfortable look on her face.) I... didn't want... I don't want that again. 

(Beat)

JODIE: Why not? (Sandi gives her a freezing expression.) Just tell me. I want to know. 

(Pause)

SANDI: (sort of mumbling) Um, 'cause it was dirty. I, like, felt really gross afterward, and that is, um, not a feeling I want to live with. (shudders.) And, um... (Pause) I don't usually get like that with people unless they really deserve it -- like Quinn and her stupid backstabbing. If she thought I didn't know what she was up to, she was wrong. I couldn't even be real friends with her 'cause I just knew she was waiting... (Pause. meets Jodie's eyes again, and jerks herself out of her rant, back into the present.) And, um... even when I get back at people, I um... don't... I never got back at them the way I did at that Jane person. 

(Pause)

JODIE: (sober) Why did you strike out at Jane like that?

(Pause. Sandi appears ready with an answer, but then stops and thinks for a long while. There is a barely perceivable slump in her shoulders.)

SANDI: (quiet) I wanted to be popular... I guess. She didn't need to be popular -- she was already used to being a nobody. And maybe I just thought being popular was the most important thing, and she wouldn't care if I said mean stuff about her 'cause she was used to it already. I didn't think it... I didn't think... 

JODIE: But you quit student council. (Sandi frowns a little and cocks a resolute brow.) Was it because of how you felt about Jane, or because of what I said about the other members hating you?

(Beat)

SANDI: I guess I wanted to quit from the first day I got made the stupid Vice-President. (Pause. gets a disgusted look on her face, flings a hand at Jodie and turns away.) Well geez, I hope you're happy now that I've, like, told you my life story. I might as well just go home, since you're obviously not going to help me out... (starts to leave.)

(Jodie gives Sandi a long, hard lookover. She stands up slowly.)

JODIE: No, wait. (Pause) I'll tell Ms. Li you weren't acting racist. 

(Sandi turns to look at her, shocked. She wasn't even being manipulative this time around.)

SANDI: So you believe me, now??

(Jodie doesn't reply. She just motions at Sandi to follow her, and they head back toward the gym.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 8 (gym)

(We see Daria and Jane. They've been shooting the breeze and gorging on more fair cuisine, and now they get stunned expressions on their faces as they see Jodie and Sandi heading in their direction. Just as they've reached them, from offscreen:)

QUINN: Sandi??

STACY & TIFFANY: Sandi!

(Sandi turns and looks with silent astonishment as Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy approach her. Quinn's shawl is off, and her hair is in slight disarray. She at first looks stunned to see her nemesis, then irritated.)

SANDI: (even-toned) Quinn. 

JODIE: (noticing her sour expression) What happened?

QUINN: (sarcastic) I got suspended. (to Sandi.) Thanks to you. (to Jodie.) And you. 

JANE: Come again?

STACY: Quinn tried to tell Ms. Li that she didn't think Sandi was a racist, and Ms. Li suspended her. 

TIFFANY: Yeah. 

(Sandi gets a look of shock. Daria cocks an eyelid at her, then at Jodie. Jodie frowns.)

JODIE: Why? You didn't say anything offensive, did you?

QUINN: (resentful) No. But she didn't care. 

(Beat)

JODIE: That just doesn't sound right. 

DARIA: You mean Li not listening to reason and slapping her with an unduly harsh punishment?

JODIE: (shaking her head) I'm gonna go talk to her. 

(She leaves quickly. Daria nods at Jane, and they follow. They leave Sandi, still in shock, with Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 9 (Li's office, a short time later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jodie, Daria, and Jane sitting in Ms. Li's office, with Li seated across from them in her chair.)

JODIE: Let me get this straight: you suspended Quinn Morgendorffer for protesting another student's suspension??

MS. LI: That is correct. 

JODIE: But why?? Her mother's the one threatening a lawsuit against the school because of racism. 

MS. LI: Ohhhh yes. (cackles.) Delicious irony, isn't it?? (Bt) Oh, and while I'm at it, I've been meaning to suspend Daria Morgendorffer. And Jane Lane as well. 

DARIA: (deadpan) Didn't see that one coming. 

JANE: Nope. 

JODIE: Ms. Li, with all due respect, isn't this rather extreme? Why not --?

MS. LI: (irritated) Ooh-hooo, extreme, Ms. Landon?? That is the price we pay for keeping the school free of violence or intolerance. (Bt) Of course, your parents could just teach you children how to respect other students' rights to exist, but ohhhhhh no! That would require them to take five minutes out of their hectic twenty-four-seven worrrrrkoholic lives to actually communicate with you. Better to just leave it to the schools -- then when some disturbed little monster spews bullets or fillllthy language at the student body, they'll know it's not their fault. 

(Pause. There's some truth to what Li said, and neither Jodie, nor Daria nor Jane, can deny it.)

JODIE: But even so... couldn't you just tone things down? Investigate the students who actually say nasty stuff, instead of ones who just look like they might? If you keep coming down on students based on flimsy evidence, you'll encourage a backlash. 

MS. LI: (indignant) Any lawsuit they throw at us we'll be ready for. Our actions are leeegally sound. 

JODIE: I'm talking about a social backlash. Bigots who always hated minorities could see this as proof that their hatred was justified, and feel they can still be mean because they don't have anything to lose. And the people who we actually could teach to be more tolerant might get resentful because they think they're being treated unfairly. 

(As Jodie says this, Daria looks a bit stunned by her change of opinion since they last spoke of the subject. Li, too, seems confused.)

MS. LI: You didn't seem to have these objections when I enacted the "zero tolerance" policy a week ago. (suspicious.) What makes you suddenly so concerned??

(Pause)

JODIE: I guess because I recently learned that my judgment isn't foolproof. I was really sure Sandi Griffin had written the racist note to me. So sure, that I never even looked for proof. I mean, she was already spoiled and nasty -- her being white just drove me over the edge. 

MS. LI: (surprised) So you're saying Ms. Griffin is iiiinnocent??

(Beat)

JODIE: (with slight hesitation) At least she isn't guilty. (Bt) She told me some stuff that made me realize I'd come down on her too quickly. If she hadn't come to confront me, I might still be sitting on the ground outside, crying my eyes out. (Pause. She gets quizzical looks from Li, Jane, and Daria. Instead of explaining, she says, with realization:) Look, Ms. Li: what if you toned down your policy and created new ones that focused on students talking?? I've learned a lot more today about racial issues from doing that than from any other method. 

MS. LI: Ha right, missy! It'll be a cold day in hell before I relinquish the "zeeeeero" tolerance policy. Not with a group of minority parents threatening to cut my throat the moment one of their progeny gets an unkiiiiiind word. 

(Pause. Jodie lowers her eyes and turns her head toward Daria. She looks at her with a meaningful expression. Daria nods slightly and cocks an eyelid that says,"I concur." Finally Jodie turns back to Li.)

JODIE: What if I asked them to back down from their threat?

(Beat)

MS. LI: (eyeing Daria) What about your mother??

DARIA: I'll distract her with a newspaper headline about unequal pay for equal work. 

(Pause)

MS. LI: All right. If you can do that, then I'll agree. 

(Jodie looks back at Daria and Jane with a faintly triumphant smile. They smirk back at her. All is forgiven.)

(cut to:)

SCENE 10 (Lawndale High, the following week)

(Shot of Jodie walking down the hall with Mack.)

MACK: (shaking his head) I don't know, Jodie. I still think you're letting them off too easy. 

JODIE: What d' you mean? Those jerks who made fun of me will still get investigated for saying nasty things. It's just that now, they won't automatically be guilty. 

MACK: It just seems like too easy a way for them to get away with what they did. (Bt) And as for Sandi: you really think she didn't write that note to you??

(Jodie shrugs.)

JODIE: Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. I don't know who wrote it. Maybe one of those guys did. Maybe it was someone I never met. But the point is, for my own peace of mind, I'm gonna let it go. 

MACK: (shaking his head again) I don't know, Jodie... 

JODIE: (resolute) Michael, hating people and blaming people were just making me upset all the time. If I kept on doing it, I would feel even less comfortable in school than I did before all this started. I don't want to lose my friends, and I don't want to stop thinking that most people at this school are good. 

(Beat)

MACK: (conceding slightly) I see your point. But optimism alone isn't gonna curb racism. You have to get agressive, too. 

JODIE: (patting his arm. encouraging) Well then maybe you can be the watchdog for both of us. If you see anyone acting racist, or for that matter sexist or homophobic, speak up about it, and encourage others to do so, too. Just please don't let it drown out everything about you that's nice and decent, okay?

MACK: (smirking) Sure. 

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. Both are holding books, and Daria is red.)

JANE: (smirking) Well, well... O'Neill sure knows how to give an apology. 

DARIA: He might have chosen a subtler approach than by staging the Irish Peace Accords. (conceding.) But I suppose it was nice of him to say that the Northern Irish were victims, too, of pointless bloodshed in the name of religion. 

JANE: Yeah... and to think it was something he heard at the fair that made him change his mind. 

DARIA: There's that sweet taste in my mouth again. Pardon me while I go gargle some vinegar. 

JANE: (smirking) Speaking of fair, what happened to Quinn and her newfound faith?

DARIA: She dropped Judaism like a hot potato after flipping all those greasy ones. Then she immediately picked it back up. 

JANE: Why?

DARIA: It seems Stacy is really into Judaism now. She's learning Hebrew, ancient Jewish history, and the dimensions of Jennifer Grey's old nose. That, plus Tiffany knowing the finer details of Jewish holidays, and there's no way Little Miss Spotlight Seeker is going to be left behind. So they've all decided to make weekend pilgrimages to synagogue. I predict it will last until the next major sale at Cashman's. 

JANE: (smirking) But of course. (Bt. glances around.) So this is Day One after the "zero tolerance" policy ended. Do you notice a difference?

DARIA: (shrugging) People seem slightly more braindead than usual, which must mean they're more relaxed. Otherwise, I'd have to say that this school doesn't feel more tolerant. 

JANE: Well there is the new, more diverse booklist O'Neill gave out yesterday. I'll admit (shakes her book.), Their Eyes Were Watching God is my kind of tale. A woman breaking free of the chains of conformity. (Bt) Plus steamy love scenes, lots of 'em! Yep... my kind of tale. 

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Of course. (Bt. holds out her book.) All the Pretty Horses isn't so bad -- though I plan to write my report on how McCarthy's attempt to show us the real Mexico falls flat on its face and instead produces an array of stereotypes that do more damage to Americans' view of our southern neighbors than did the stereotypes that were already in existence. 

(Beat)

JANE: That's... my Daria. 

(Before Daria can reply, we see Sandi walking past her and Jane in the foreground. Daria closes her mouth, and she and Jane observe her with silent interest. Just as Sandi is nearly offscreen, she stops, then slowly backpedals. Stands in front of Jane and Daria wearing an uncomfortable, yet haughtily resolute, expression.)

SANDI: Fine. I suppose it's time I got this over with, so we can both get on with our lives. 

JANE: (faux innocent) Get what over with??

(Sandi doesn't respond, but instead eyes Daria with suspicion.)

SANDI: Must she be here?

DARIA: (deadpan) This is a free hallway. 

JANE: (firm) The friend stays. It's in our contract. 

SANDI: (not getting Jane's playfulness) Um... (rolls her eyes, groans.) All right, fine. (long Pause, as Sandi tries to figure out what to say without lowering herself too much.) Like, I... stuff... there was... I did... I... 

DARIA: Easy, there. Don't try to get them out all at once. (Bt) A word a minute will do. 

(Sandi closes her mouth and glares at Daria. Jane cocks a brow at her friend as if to say,"Nice job, but that's enough.")

JANE: Finish with what you were saying, Sandi. 

(Pause)

SANDI: I... just, um... wanted to say. (inhales, exhales deeply.) I did... stuff to you a while back that... I, um... like, shouldn't've done, or whatever. 

(Pause. She looks at Jane to see if that will suffice. Jane says nothing, looks at Daria. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: And??

SANDI: (frowning at her) And I'm s-s... (Pause. struggles to get out the words.) Well, I suppose I'm s-s-s... I'm... I should say that I'm... I'm (Pause) er, that I apologize. 

(Pause. Jane lets her eyes drift sideways, giving this some consideration. Finally she looks at Sandi and smirks.)

JANE: Apology accepted. 

SANDI: Um, good. (They very awkwardly shake on it, and Sandi shows proper tact by resisting the urge to wipe her hand off. Still blushing, she turns to Daria.) Like, tell Quinn I said hello, or whatever. 

(She then leaves quickly. Daria's face registers faint disappointment.)

DARIA: Damn. No "sorry."

JANE: (pleased) Oh, I'm willing to bet she was sorry. 

(Beat)

DARIA: You're the judge. 

(Pan over to shot of Jodie, who stopped to watch this scene, unobserved by all three of them. She smiles a faint, hopeful smile, then walks on.)

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

This is another one of those grab-your-head-and-scream fanfics, along with "Outvoted" and "Surreal World." All three covered large social subjects (politics and image; voyeuristic TV shows; racism). And as with the previous two, I come away from "Primarily Color" feeling like I didn't show as much as I wanted. 

I actually expected all along that I'd feel that way. If I were to delve into every topic connected to race or ethnicity, including immigration, bi-lingual programs, issues about religion in school, interracial dating, Confederate flag -- friend or foe?, et cetera, I would need a novel. Or three. And the tone of my work would probably be more sober than it is in "Primarily Color." One thing that concerned me was that the tone wasn't heavy enough, given the subject. But then again, maybe that's a good thing, given how often race relations are portrayed in a really heated, emotional way. Perhaps this fanfic makes the issues of race a bit more accessible. 

I was also very tempted to make this fic into one that explored unfair treatment of groups outside the mainstream as well as of racial/ethnic minorities. But it seemed as though that would water things down waaaay too much, and I really didn't want to take away from Jodie's angst. 

Reasons for writing this fanfic? I guess one reason was because, while I've seen plenty of fanfics that deal with Jodie's mixed emotions toward being an overachiever, I haven't really seen one that's dealt with her feelings about being black. Yet the show gives plenty of evidence that she's very aware of her status as a minority and of her responsibility to other minorities. In "Gifted," she talks about having to be "Queen of the Negroes" at school, and of her desire to run a consulting firm that helps "minority startups." In "The Lost Girls," she criticizes Val for running a magazine devoid of a "multi-cultural, multi-ethnic, less braindead point of view." And in "Daria! The Musical," both Jodie and Mack sing wistfully of the town blowing away, making them the "majority." Although we've never seen either of them suffer from racial slurs, they surely would have at some point -- especially in a majority white school in a white, upper-middle class town. 

In fact, Lawndale and Lawndale High resemble my town/high school in many ways. And the incident of the racist note reminded me of one where some minority students came into our newspaper room, shaking with rage, because we had let an ambiguously racist message slip into print (some guy had written to his friend: "Get back on the boat as fast as you can"). The then-editor on staff immediately set to work creating a "sorry" issue, filled with writers' articles about how we're committed to diversity, etc. That helped launch a "culture week" at our school, which included a day of hugging and sobbing and sharing known as "Challenge Day" (which I lightly mocked in the scenes with O'Neill), and a "culture fair," which was similar in look and feel to the one I set up in Act Three. Did it make our school more tolerant? I didn't think so, but that's because teachers and administrators never really followed up on it. More on that in a bit... 

Another reason I wrote this fanfic is because I happen to live in a state that is the most racially/ethnically diverse in the union, and blessed with the challenge of finding ways for us all to "get along." Here (especially in Berkeley, where I live), topics of race/ethnicity come up almost daily. Oftentimes there's tension and hostility laced in these topics, like in this quote by the lovely Peter Knight, politician and founder of the so-called "defense" of marriage initiative:

"Today there are minority groups all over the country that are screaming and demanding and we as a people are giving into their demands, one right after the other. I don't think we can continue to do that and maintain these United States." (San Francisco Examiner, Feb. 7, 2000)

So I thought it'd be interesting to detail some of the issues at work. Not all, since, as I said, I would have required much more space. I wanted to see how a school like Lawndale High would react to some of these issues. 

You can guess I'm no fan of guys like Peter Knight, but otherwise, my feelings about racism are mixed. Above all, I wanted to show in this fanfic how complicated racial issues can be. For instance: can whites really be treated as a monolithic ruling group when some whites have been oppressed at the hands of others, and those whites were oppressed as well?? Such is the case with Ireland/Northern Ireland -- those of us who've been following world events know that both sides have put together a very delicate peace arrangement after years of bloodshed and hostility. In case you didn't understand Daria's brief speech about her Northern Irish ancestors, it was in reference to the Scotch Irish who settled in Northern Ireland because they were Protestant (Presbyterian), but were later persecuted because they were not Anglican. This caused a great exodus of Scotch-Irish to the "Colonies" in the early Eighteenth Century. 

What happens when it's not so easy to pinpoint a minority's heritage? Jodie and Mack, who are in touch with their black roots, still admit that theirs hasn't been a generic black experience. Jodie states in the last scene of Act Two that "Some of the discrimination Mr. O'Neill's been talking about is stuff I've never had to deal with." And Tiffany, whom I've made out to be adopted, shows that she knows more about Jewish tradition than about the culture of her birth. 

What about reverse racism? Could you call Jodie's hasty fingering of Sandi to be such an example?

Are lawsuits good or bad? The ending implies that they are bad, yet without the lawsuit Jodie's parents issued against the school, the dialogue on racism might never have never have surfaced. 

Overall, I tried to be even-handed, get everyone's opinion, without having this turn into a big mess. Sorry if things seemed a little too "We are the world" in Act Three: I had a hell-of-a-time figuring out how I was going to bring this all to a climax. 

But I guess my feelings on the subject are that lawsuits, or the guilt Helen spoke of in Act Two, may be an effective means of stirring racial dialogue, but that they aren't effective in the long-term. I'm more a believer in the talk-it-out strategy, though who knows if that's so effective either. But as Daria expressed in Act Two, I get irritated with discussions that reduce people to their race or ethnicity, and completely disregard the fact that people could bond via personality. But feel free to debate me if you wish. ; >

On a final note, I just wanted to let you know that this is my last continuum fic before Season Four. TDWU episode #15 won't arrive until after the first half of the season is over. However, before then, I intend to write a spinoff fanfic about Amy that spoofs "Providence," "Judging Amy," and "Suddenly Susan." Hopefully it will be out sometime during Season Four. Anyhow, with regard to the fifteenth episode of TDWU, here are a few goodies you can look forward to:

Learning the origins of Daria's name, and what it was originally going to be. 

Seeing Grandpa Barksdale in the flesh for the first time. 

Finding out what strange fates befell Helen and Jake's hippie friends. 

Yes, it's another flashback episode! Just for some background: it was always in my deck of cards that I would write a flashback ep. Long ago I thought,"Cool: I'll write about Helen and Jake's wedding!" But then I found out C.E. Forman was already doing that. I also had thoughts about writing an ep. of Daria and Quinn's childhood experiences... but found out John Berry was doing that. So I chose a "tweener" ep., one in which Daria isn't there... and yet she is. Basically this fic will revolve around Helen and Jake's feelings about their approaching parenthood... and how it wreaks havoc on their hippie values. Expect the Mistress of Sarcasm to make her presence felt in some way... ; >

As for other plans for my continuum, you can read about them in my upcoming essay,"The Off-Canon Approach."

Points of Interest

Mack's reference to "The Boondocks": For those who don't know, it's a comic strip about two black kids and their grandfather living in the white suburbs. And it's managed to stir up a lot of controversy. While some praise it for tellin' it like it is, others find the stereotypes of whites and blacks to be demeaning. I still enjoy it enough to read it on a regular basis. 

Phineas T. Morgendorffer: He, of course, was mentioned on Helen's web page. That he is a made-up ancestor is my attempt to explain what Helen meant by "If anyone asks... I'm going to have to tell them the truth."

What is "Jewish"?: The Morgendorffers' discussion of whether Judaism is a race, religion, or ethnicity just served to highlight the confusion many people have over it. I, personally, consider it to be a religion, though certain ethnic groups may have deep Jewish roots. It bugs me to no end when people think that Jews are a race apart. 

Jake's rant was reminiscent of my mom's feelings growing up as a Jew amongst Gentile families. Not mine: we tend to celebrate a kaleidoscope of holidays, including Christmas. ; > That's why it doesn't seem strange to me that Jake could celebrate Christmas later in life, especially if Helen were Protestant. His rant also made me think of Kyle in that one "South Park" episode about Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. ; >

Quinn's superficial embrace of Judaism was, of course, a tongue-in-cheek nod to Michelle Klein-Hass's Lawndale, CT Continuum, in which Quinn actually takes Judaism quite seriously. 

Andrea speaks!: Andrea's speech in Act Two was a nod to "Addams Family Values," one of my favorite movies. In particular, it refers to the scene during the Thanksgiving play, when Wednesday recites the wrongs white Americans have done to Native Americans over the past few centuries. From there, the play quickly erodes into the Play from Hell. ; >

All together, now: "We lost the race with Farmer Ed. / Eat us 'cause we're good and dead." ; >

History lesson: John Hyrcanus was ruler of Judea under the Hasmonean dynasty, from 134-104 B.C. His family's century-long reign represented one of the few times when ancient Judea wasn't ruled by a foreign power (this would end with the conquest by Rome). He is generally credited with having the qualities of the mythical King David, including a desire to push the boundaries of Judea as far as they could go. 

Judah the Maccabee, in case you didn't know, helped fight off an attempt by the then-Greek ruler to destroy the Jewish Temple and build a Greek one in its place. Hannukah is derived from his success (and you thought it was just a doppleganger of Christmas, didn't you? ; >). Also, many future "great" rulers would model themselves after Judah, including Charlemagne. 

Much of this info, and the stuff Stacy was talking about, can be found in books like From Text to Tradition by Lawrence H. Schiffman. Think I read it on my free time? No -- I took a college course on the history of ancient Judaism, since I knew next to nothing... (And this is not an attempt to convert anyone... I just wanted to show that these facts aren't bogus.)

Good literature: The books Daria and Jane mentioned (There Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neal Hurston and All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy) were both ones I read in college; the former (an excellent book) was almost required reading. Daria's comment about stereotypes in All the Pretty Horses was, in a nutshell, what I wrote in a paper for my "U.S. Representations of Mexico" history class. 

Now for some points on characters... 

Jodie and Sandi: Polar opposites, right? But opposites can attract... I don't mean in that way! But expect to see them interact more in a fairly unhostile manner down the road. As strange as this might sound, I actually think they have a lot in common. 

I don't think I made it clear in the fanfic, but Sandi quit student council prior to her encounter with Quinn in the bathroom in Act One. I reckon she quit not long after Jodie told her, in "Surreal World,"that she was hated by her fellow council members. 

So has Sandi turned over a new leaf?? Is she back with the Fashion Club???? I'm not telling. ; >

Mr. Phelps: He will make a more substantial appearance in fanfic #16. But you can tell, by his brief appearance here, that he is not beloved by Ms. Barch. ; >

And WOW: This is probably one of the rare fanfics that gives decent roles to Mack and Andrea!!!

Now it's time once again for THE MYSTERIES OF

This week, we'll explore the mystery of... the trailing dots. Why does it seem as though every other sentence I write... ends with trailing dots?

Because I get paid $100 for each period I insert into a fanfic, so the more the merrier!!!

In actuality, I don't know. I think I just don't like to end a sentence too abruptly. It makes me seem blunt, rude, harsh, at least IMO. In fanfic dialogue, trailing dots usually imply that the character is thinking out his/or words ever as he/she is speaking. But then, you probably already figured that out, didn't you... ? ; >

Aaaaaaaaand... I thought I might give the GAMES another try, since they were obviously popular enough that several other fanfic authors adopted them into their postscripts. ; > However, they'll be a little easier -- much like the new "Twenty-One" compared to the old "Twenty One." And they won't have a strict time limit (meaning, you won't be forced to find answers before my next fanfic comes out). Just answer the questions on your own time, and your reward will be... um, I'll be your best friend? Nah, standard rules: I'll lavish praise on you in my postscript. 

How many fanfics of mine do not contain a heated confrontation between one or more of the characters?? This heated confrontation could either be a shouting match (a la Jodie and Sandi in "Surreal World") or a pivotal conversation in which one character tries to get another character to confess to something (a la Daria's challenge to Quinn in the bathroom in "Andrea Speaks!"). Hint: the answer may be none. ; >

Okay, so you tell me if this question is easier... 

Oops!

Okay, it seems as though a lot of you had trouble understanding the title of my last fanfic. Just in case you still don't know,"Erin the Head" only makes sense phonetically. Say the first word slowly, and it comes out to "Air in the Head," or airhead. ; >

Acknowledgements

I must give a hearty thanks to Paperpusher, lawyer extraordinnaire, for beta-reading and helping me with the legal nitty-gritty in this fic. If I've screwed things up royally, he's not to blame. Or is he?? ; >

To those of you who have my stuff showing at your websites: if you don't have a URL, and I haven't sent you my latest fic(s), just write a polite e-mail to bug me... : >

If anyone'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4. berkeley. edu

So the new and improved Lawndale Commons is up and running, and SEASON FOUR is in two weeks!!!!! Oh, and thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright February 2000. All rights reserved. 


	15. The Age of Cynicism

The Age of Cynicism 

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

  


This is the fifteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe and my seventeenth fanfic overall. It follows 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The Tie That Chokes," 3) "That Thing You Say," 4) "'Shipped Out," 5) "Andrea Speaks!", 6) "Cheered Down," 7) "None in the Family, Part One," 8) "None in the Family, Part Two," 9) "Outvoted," 10) "Of Absolute Value," 11) "Breaking the Mold," 12) "Surreal World," 13) "Erin the Head," and 14) "Primarily Color." 

  


Ten Spot Promo: The watch in the corner ticks to ten as some guy stands in front of the refrigerator, trying to figure out what to eat. And they call this a promo?? 

  


[intro theme music...................] 

THE AGE OF CYNICISM -- by Kara Wild

  
  


ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a Sunday) 

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria lounging on her bed in her room, the cordless phone pressed against her ear. She wears her usual deadpan expression.) 

DARIA: So I guess that means Aunt Amy's not my natural-born mother after all. 

JANE: (from the receiver) And that you *weren't* the product of a torrid love affair between Helen and a man who obviously wasn't Jake. 

DARIA: Damn normal life. 

(Cut to split screen, Jane on the left, Daria on the right. Daria cocks an eyelid wearily.) 

JANE: You mean to tell me *this* is how your parents have forced you to spend Sunday? Reliving priceless childhood memories which you couldn't *possibly* relive because you weren't *alive* yet to have such memories?? 

DARIA: Even more frightening: this was one of their better uses of quality time. (makes a face.) It only gets worse from there... 

(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to an earlier scene of the four Morgendorffers sitting around the kitchen table, shortly after breakfast. Jake and Daria read the paper; Quinn flips through an issue of Waif. Helen, of course, has the cordless phone welded to her ear and is listening intently to the speaker on the other end.) 

HELEN: Mmm-hmmm... mmm-hmmm... (crooning) Oh we're *so* happy for you. This is just *wonderful* news! (laughs a wee bit uneasily.) And twins... are you sure? (Pause) Oh, how... wonderful! 

(Daria lowers the paper ever so slightly, wearing a skeptical expression. The forced nature of her mom's enthusiasm has not escaped her.) 

HELEN: Well we'll give you *all* the support you need over these coming months. (Pause) All right... all right. Now you take care of yourself. Bye. (hangs up the phone.) 

JAKE: Wow, Eric's having twins? (raises a thumb.) Way to *go*, big man! 

HELEN: Eric?? Don't be silly, Jake: Eric's not *married*. (She laughs a little too hard at this one.) 

DARIA: Your point being? 

HELEN: That was *Erin*. Our *niece*. (forehead creases with concern.) She's pregnant. 

DARIA/JAKE/QUINN: (frowning, recalling the events in "Erin the Head") Mmmmmmmmm... 

QUINN: Eww! You mean she's gonna be all *bloated* for nine months?! 

DARIA: And that's the part she'll remember most fondly. 

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) *Honestly*, Daria. 

DARIA: After a daily dose of shrieking and nights of insomnia drive her into the mental institution. 

HELEN: (firmly) Erin will be a wonderful mother. I'm sure of it. 

JAKE: *Yeah*, kiddo! And ol' Brian'll learn how to be a great dad! 

DARIA: And just what is your basis of comparison? 

JAKE: Well *hey*: we figured out how to raise *you*, didn't we? (Daria regards him with a deadpan expression.) Didn't we?? 

HELEN: Of *course* we did. (looks at Jake and giggles a little, then glances at Daria with a distinctly maternal expression.) Oh God, Jake, do you remember what we went through the months before we had Daria? The high hopes, the anxiety --?

JAKE: The want ads, the empty bank account... (chuckles, then glances at Daria with the same expression as Helen.) 

(Cut to close-up of Daria, armed with a wary expression.) 

DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) The looks. The minute I saw them, I knew I was trapped. Unless... 

(Pan over to close-up of an irritated Quinn, her arms folded.) 

QUINN: We're *not* gonna sit here an' talk about *Daria* are we?? Gaaawd! Why does *everything* have to be about her?! Why can't we talk about *my* upcoming birth?? 

(Cut to close-up of Helen. Her eyes trail away thoughtfully as wavy lines appear, indicating another flashback. When they disperse, we see her several years younger, seated on an examining table. A doctor stands beside her.) 

DOCTOR: Well, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it looks as though another one's on the way. 

HELEN: (clearly panicked) A *second* child?! But I just had the *first* one! This *can't* be true -- it's going to *completely* ruin my five-year plan! 

(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to Helen of the present. She laughs uneasily.) 

HELEN: (to Quinn) Oh-ho, sweetie: we'll have *plenty* of time 

for that. But for now... 

DARIA: (thought VO) Damn. 

(Wavy fade-out into flashback once *again*. Fade-in to shot of a rusty brown Chevrolet station wagon, obviously dating back to the early-70's, obviously second-hand. A "Carter/Mondale 1980" sticker is spread across the bumper. As it continues to travel down a road, cut to the inside. There we see Helen and Jake as they looked in late summer, 1980. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake's hair has been tamed down from its '70's fro. As Jake drives, he whistles to John Lennon's "Imagine," which plays on the radio. Helen looks as though she has just sucked poison.) 

HELEN: (insincere) Who'd have thought that Keenak and Seren-- I mean, Calvin and Vanessa -- could have *such* an adorable child?? 

JAKE: Yeah, I'll say. (chuckles, imitates a baby's speech.) Hi-hi, Unkoo Jakie. I wuvoo. Pull ma finger. 

HELEN: It's just such a shame that his parents have... you know. 

JAKE: Sure do. (Bt) What? 

HELEN: Sold *out*. (sighs heavily.) After five short years, they've become pawns of the Establishment. *Morgaged*, credit card debts -

JAKE: (getting angry) Damn Calvin and his *neat-o* Japanese car! (He pounds the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.) 

HELEN: (sighing) Just *what* sort of legacy will they be passing on to their kid?? At least you and I can take *pride* in our lifestyle. 

(As she says this, the station wagon pulls up in front of a brown stucco apartment complex. It looks in desperate need of renovation, from the sagging roof to the gravel "driveway" in front. Helen and Jake climb out.) 

HELEN: (determined) We're the same people we always were. Our principles haven't changed since our Middleton days, have they? 

JAKE: (to himself) Wonder if old Cal'll know how *I* could swing a car like his...? 

(Cut to a later shot of Helen and Jake in what appears to be a combined kitchen and living room. The walls are covered in peeling wallpaper that is an absolutely putrid shade of yellow, while the carpet is brown shag. Only from the Seventies. We see Helen pacing around with the phone to her ear, dragging a super- long extension cord. Jake, meanwhile, has been lounging on the frayed avocado green couch, reading the newspaper. Helen now stops and lays the phone back on its hook. She walks over to the couch and leans over it to look at her husband.) 

JAKE: (reading an article) *Music* television?? Like *that'll* ever catch on! 

HELEN: (reflective) Jake... (motions to him to lay the paper aside.) I was thinking: what if *we* had a child? 

JAKE: Hey, that'd be *neat*, honey! But there's no way that would happen. 

HELEN: Why not? 

JAKE: Because don't you remember what you said? That we couldn't have kids until *I* found myself a job and your career took off?? 

HELEN: Oh, well *yes*, but... 

JAKE: I'm still looking for work, and your career's nowhere *near* where you want it to be. 

HELEN: (looking irritated) Mrrrrr... 

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake still later, lying in bed. The sounds around them indicate that their walls are paper-thin and that their neighbors have strange habits. Crashing noises can be heard from one corner, accompanied by shouts of anger. From above, we hear an old stranger singing wobbly, and off-key, "I Wanna Rock With You" by Michael Jackson.) 

JAKE: Heyyy, the Singing Man finally chose something current! (thumbs up.) 

HELEN: (trying to ignore it) Uh-huh. (leans closer to Jake, touches his hand.) Jake? About what I said... 

JAKE: Hmm? 

HELEN: About us waiting to have children until *after* we'd met our career goals? (Bt) Well... goals *can* change. 

JAKE: What d' you mean? 

(Beat) 

HELEN: (straining to find the right words) Well... when you see that a greater good could be met... you-you, um, realize that your own *personal* goals don't matter qu-

JAKE: What are you trying to say, Helen?? 

HELEN: I want to have a baby. 

(Beat) 

JAKE: Ah. 

HELEN: (insistent) I think we could be *good* parents, Jake. We'd do better at instilling our child with core principles than Calvin and Vanessa. 

JAKE: Yeah. I could teach our kid a thing or two about the ol' game of baseball... 

HELEN: To stand proud, be independent-minded, not give in to the Man. 

JAKE: And basketball, and how to shave and how to ask a girl out... 

HELEN: To carry on the Revolution. When you think about it, it's almost a sin for us *not* to have a child. 

JAKE: Unlike *some* fathers who never EVER taught their sons ANY of those things! 

HELEN: So what do you say? 

JAKE: (taking her by the hands) Let's DO it!!! 

(Helen leans closer, and she and Jake start making out. The Singing Man's chopped-up rendition of "I Wanna Rock With You" gives way to the actual song. The screen fades to black.) 

JANE: (offscreen VO from the present) Soooo... if I understand correctly, your parents decided to have kids because their *friends* were having kids? 

DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) That's the gist of it, yeah. 

(Fade-in to Helen and Jake later that night, after the "spice". Helen has rolled over onto one side, while Jake lies on his back with his arms folded beneath his head.) 

HELEN: (tired, but glowing) Won't it be *exciting* to watch our child grow up and develop a mind of his own? (Bt) I wonder what he'll be like... 

JAKE: (determined) Not like *me*, that's for damn sure. I'm not gonna treat my kid the way Dad treated *me*. I'll be a *much* better, father! 

HELEN: I'm sure you will, Jakey. 

JAKE: (suddenly disquieted) But how? 

HELEN: One thing's for certain: we'll make sure our kid doesn't get brought down by the terrible malaise that's been gripping this country. He or she will be an *optimist*.

JAKE: (scowling) Lousy hostages. *Damn* that Carter. 

HELEN: Jake! Carter's on *our* side. It's Reagan we should watch out for. (As she says this, she snuggles up against him.) 

DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) And then they went tra-la- la, hippity hop into the sunset. 

(Cut to shot of Daria in the present. Split screen to show Jane on the right.) 

JANE: How long did you stick around? 

DARIA: Until they started weighing in on the merits of cloth and disposable diapers. (makes a sour face.) They haven't even noticed I'm gone. 

JANE: That's the evils of nostalgia for ya. A couple of middle-aged adults get hit with it and even the flavors of Pez can make for a *fascinating* afternoon of conversation. 

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) So, you want to head out for pizza? 

JANE: Sure. Tom's gone on an outing with his parents and -- (From offscreen, the sound of knocking on Daria's door.) 

(Resume full shot of Daria. She sits up straighter and frowns a little.) 

DARIA: (to Jane) *Hold* on. (to the door, deadpan.) Yes? 

QUINN: (offscreen, irritated) Open *up*, Daria. We have to talk! 

DARIA: (to Jane) And now Quinn has come to spread the love as well. (to Quinn) About what?? 

QUINN: You *know*! (She pushes open the door and stalks into the room, looking pouty and angry.) The *thing*. (shudders a little.) 

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yes. The thing. 

JANE: (from the receiver) What thing?? 

DARIA: (to Quinn) Believe me, I haven't forgotten. (makes another sour face.) 

QUINN: (covering her eyes) I can't *believe* this! Ever since they said it, it's all I can think about. 

JANE: Believe *what*?

DARIA: (to Quinn, a little defensive) Hey, don't think *you're* the only one who was pissed off when they mentioned that. It was *me* they were talking about. 

QUINN: Well it was *me*, too! 

(Just then we see Helen and Jake pass by the doorway, their nostalgia trip temporarily suspended. They overhear the last of this exchange. Helen comes back and pokes her head in.) 

HELEN: (reasonable) Quinn, honey: I think you're making *much* too big a deal --

QUINN: Don't even *talk* to me, you-you... traitor! (sees mother's expression.) Um, I mean Mom. 

JAKE: (coming in) Yeah, c' mon you guys. (chuckles.) What's in a name?? 

DARIA: [A snowjob by any other name would still blow.] 

(Cut to shot of Jane, sitting in her room, the phone still to her ear. She's listening, intrigued, the way one would listen to a radio mystery. Resume shot of the Morgendorffers.) 

HELEN: (tired and quizzical) What do you mean, sweetie? 

JAKE: Yeah, kiddo? 

DARIA: (leaning back, coolly deadpan) Oh nothing: just commenting upon the [soundness of your ideals.] So here you are, today. Do *you* feel as though you've carried on the cause? 

(Helen and Jake look at each other. Helen then brushes past Quinn, still nursing her own irritation, and sits down next to Daria.) 

HELEN: Sweetheart, you *have* to understand: we were very young then. 

JAKE: If we only knew *half* of what we knew now. 

HELEN: It was the Eighties. 

DARIA: Always the decade's to blame. (Bt) *Bad* decade. For shame. 

HELEN: (exasperated) It *was*. With the birth of 1980, the world as we knew it changed *forever*.

DARIA: But the Eighties started in 1981. 

HELEN: Please, Daria, *don't* interrupt. (Bt) All at once, the spirit of activism gave way to a darker period of conservative values. (shudders.) It was a change that... 

(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to reveal a close-up shot of an older man, around sixty years of age.) 

HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) ... men like my father welcomed. 

(The older man frowns at the newspaper he's reading. Charles Howard Barksdale Jr., known as "Howard," looks as described in "None in the Family, Part One": long face, aqualine nose, amazingly focused eyes behind gold-rimmed glasses. The years have thinned his brown hair and turned it silver, and added some extra lines and flesh to his face. Howard now leans forward.) 

HOWARD: (deep and gravely, with a hint of warmth) I'm telling you, Helen Anne: you have absolutely no idea what you're in for. 

(Cut to wider shot. It's now autumn of 1980, and Howard Barksdale is sitting with his wife, Evelyn, and Helen and Jake around a tea table on a rooved porch. The porch looks out onto the Barksdales' backyard, which resembles an English garden. Howard reaches for a cream-filled pastry, but before he can, both Evelyn and Helen reach forward and lightly slap his hand.) 

HELEN: *No*, Daddy. Your heart! 

EVELYN: (stern) Dear, you *know* what the doctor said about your cholesterol. 

(Howard glances at his wife and eldest daughter, smirks slowly, then holds up his hands in a mock "Stay away!" manner.) 

HOWARD: You women. (chuckles.) If you two have your way, I'll survive to one hundred on carrot sticks and *spring* water. 

JAKE: Yeah, *women* (laughs loudly.) Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! Right, sir?? 

(Howard turns to Jake and stares at him for several seconds. Jake's face takes on a nervous expression. Then Howard smirks at him and claps him on the shoulder.) 

HOWARD: *Right*, you are. 

(Jake's nervousness gets replaced by shock; this is the first time his wife's father has ever responded *positively* to anything he's said, and his touch feels no less meaningful than the pope's. Helen has noticed this, too, and is encouraged.) 

HOWARD: (to Helen, more serious) Raising a child costs money -- a lot of it. Food, clothing, shelter, doctors' bills, birthdays, Christmases, and the occasional gift when dear Daddy feels generous. 

HELEN: (sighing) Dad, we don't need a lecture. 

HOWARD: (smirking a little) Of *course* you do, sweetheart: what are father's for? And that doesn't even include higher education. Tuition's through the *roof* these days -- it's nearly bleeding Mother and me dry to put your baby sister through college. 

HELEN: (exasperated) Well not *everyone's* the spendthrift Amy is. 

HOWARD: Maybe not, but at least I've got the family business to fall back on. What do *you* have? A lot of "peace" and "love" and froo-loo-loo that won't get you *anywhere* by the end of the day. 

HELEN: That "peace" and "love" mean everything in this world, and you *know* it! (She says this with a tired, irritated air -- this is not the first debate she's had with Dad, and it will no doubt end in the same stalemate.) And just what exactly *is* this "froo-loo-loo" you're referring to: a new singing group?? 

(Clearly Howard did not expect this quick show of wit, and his face registers surprise. Then he bursts into chuckles and reaches over to muss Helen's hair. Evelyn, meanwhile, reaches past Jake and lays another cucumber sandwich on her daughter's plate.) 

EVELYN: (no-nonsense) Daddy and I are just concerned about your well-being, Helen. You can't raise children in that *place* you live in. (dismissive wave.) And what will happen when you're too far along to work at your little job?? 

HELEN: We've thought about that *very* carefully --

HOWARD: Is it true you're still the sole breadwinner?? 

HELEN: Well *yes*, but --

HOWARD: Hasn't your husband made *any* attempt to look for employment?? (His tone of voice grows colder and harder as he speaks.) 

HELEN: Yes. My husband (thought VO) whose name is *Jake* and who is sitting right over *there* next to you (aloud) has. He had his own *very* successful organic papaya juice business not too long ago --

JAKE: Wow, honey, you really thought it was *successful*??

HELEN: *Jake*. (makes an "Ixnay" gesture.) But, um... it finally went under. Through *no* fault of his own. 

HOWARD: (leaning back, reflective) Hmmph. It takes a lot to keep a business afloat these days. Unless it's mine: I've got too much work. 

JAKE: Congratulations, sir! 

HOWARD: And don't think every Tom, Dick, and Hippie who thought he could *dream* his way through the last decade doesn't realize it. (with some satisfaction.) They've all come begging on hands and knees to work for me. 

JAKE: Hmmm... (He looks sheepish, but thoughtful.) 

EVELYN: (to Howard) And just what you *don't* need when you're nearing retirement. 

[More dialogue follows. Originally I was going to make Howard rather gruff and personable in this scene, then more moody and cold in later scenes, in accordance with his characterization in "None in the Family."] 

  
  
  


(Fade-in to shot of Helen and Jake driving home, a short time later. Helen looks tired, Jake animated.) 

HELEN:(groaning) Of *all* the cities in America, my job had be located in one near my parents. 

JAKE: Aw, honey, your parents are *great*! (proud.) I think your dad and me are *really* starting to hit it off. 

HELEN: Daddy *did* seem a lot nicer to you this time around. (crooning.) Maybe he's starting to see all the wonderful things *I* see in you. 

JAKE: Yeah! And maybe we can do some guy-bonding over a round of golf, or something. 

HELEN: (wrinkling her nose) Jake, when did *you* learn to golf? 

JAKE: Oh, um... (sheepish.) In military school -- *yeah*! I was forced to learn, and hell I've practically forgotten *how* it's been so long since I've done it. I mean golfing is the *Man's* game. (laughs uneasily.) 

HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) And no one was more the "Man" than my father. 

  
  
  


1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Just when she thought she was out, he pulls her back in. Quinn gets more proactive with math than she *ever* thought possible, but is it all for the best? Catch it next week, on an all-new 'Daria.'"

[Yes, it's *Wednesday*, not Friday. Apparently MTV has bumped "Daria" back to Wednesdays. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen...] 

2) 

3) 

  
  


ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Pizza King) 

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria sitting at their usual booth. Jane's doing the eating. Daria sits there and fiddles with her straw.) 

JANE: So your name was gonna be Quinn. So what?? 

DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, *she's* the one who would've ended up with the raw deal. 

JANE: By the time she'd be born, all the *good* names would've been taken. 

DARIA: She'd be left with Eunice, Gretchen, Zelda, *Sandra*...

JANE: (smirking) And *those* are just the names you can say *without* shuddering. (pats the table.) So *cheer* up. So you were going to be named Quinn. You could have gotten a much *worse* name, y' know, like something recalling the glory of the Sixties. (makes a face.) Sunflower Lucretia Healing Wild Fire Janet Spring Rose Lane. 

DARIA: Must be a nightmare to fit on an official form. 

JANE: Nah, I just abbreviate. Sluhwff-juzzurrll. Betcha can't say *that* three times fast! 

DARIA: And thus I won't even try. 

JANE: Hmph. (more serious.) But the point is, your name is *Daria*. Not Quinn. Daria. 

DARIA: (sighing) It's not the *name* that bothers me so much, it's what it *represents*. The optimism, the proactivity. My parents wanted someone *perky* to be their kid. 

JANE: (sardonic) Surprise, surprise. (Bt) Well perky you are *not*, my friend. 

(Beat) 

DARIA: Yeah. (Her expression is grim.) 

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: ) 

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house) 

(Shot of the outside. We see Daria walking up the front walkway. Cut to the inside. She opens the door, her body language minutely conveying that she's still bothered by the conversation with Jane. As the shot widens to show Daria proceeding toward the stairs, we see that Helen has taken over the couch and the coffee table. Her usual files are everywhere, and she's gabbing on the cordless phone to Eric. Daria cocks an eyelid at this as she's climbing the stairs.) 

HELEN: (seeing that Daria has returned, rushed) Yes, *yes*, Eric, that's *fascinating*. But listen, I have to go. (Bt) I'll talk to you soon. (Bt. chuckling) *All* right. Bye. (hangs up, turns to look at Daria on the stairs.) Have fun, sweetie? 

DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yes. Laughs and merriment were had by all. Now if you don't mind --

HELEN: Daria? (concerned.) Are you still upset about what went on earlier? 

DARIA: (deflecting the question) How's *Quinn* taking it? 

HELEN: Oh, well... she was upset about it for a while, but she's a sensible girl with a good head on her shoulders. She got over it. 

DARIA: How much did you bribe her? 

(Beat) 

HELEN: (weary) She's test-driving new sports cars. 

DARIA: (unsurprised) Uh-huh. (Bt) And where's Dad? 

HELEN: Who do you think took her? Now *come* on, Daria, if there's anything you need to talk about *tell* me. 

(Beat) 

DARIA: (flat, reluctant) Nothing. What's the point? 

HELEN: What do you mean? 

DARIA: It won't change anything. All you and Dad did was remind me that I'm not the kid you wanted me to be. Which is something I've always known. But just when I think that *maybe* you've started to accept me for who I am, I get slapped in the face with reality. Again. 

(Pause. Helen's face grows thoughful. Daria turns to walk up the stairs.) 

HELEN: Maybe it's *true*, but I -- (shakes her head. pleading.) Daria, come down. That may be part of the truth, but it's not the *whole* truth. Just let me explain. 

(Daria turns around to look at her mom, curious. She doesn't move.) 

HELEN: Don't you at *least* want to know how you got your real name? 

(Daria takes a moment to consider. Then she nods faintly.) 

(Shot of the outside of Helen and Jake's apartment in 1980. Cut to shot of the inside, where we see Helen staring at herself in the mirror, her back to us.) 

HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) There I was, not even thirty yet and I was *so* confident I knew everything there was to know about being a *good* mother. When in fact, I had absolutely *no* idea. 

DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) And you've matured in *what* way, exactly? 

[Helen then goes on to relate the many pregnancy things she was doing -- hyper schedule-conscious, hyper-conscious of what she's eating ("purity")]

HELEN: (ignoring her) And right from the beginning of my pregnancy I could feel *changes* inside of me... 

(Cut to close-up of Helen looking at herself in the mirror. She looks tired and pensive.) 

HELEN: (offscreen VO) Changes that I had *never* before experienced. Changes that took me *completely* by surprise and left me struggling to cope. 

(Suddenly Helen of 1980 lurches forward and vomits into the sink. Mercifully she's bent in such a way that the vomit is hidden from view. Several retching sounds later, Helen lifts her head once more, teary- eyed and groaning.) 

HELEN: (offscreen VO) There you were, growing up inside my body, and I didn't even *realize* what kind of an impact you were having on me... 

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake in their beat-up car, a short time later. Jake's driving, while Helen's balancing a pizza box in her lap and is in the midst of consuming it.) 

JAKE: Mmmm, I could go for a slice... 

HELEN: (while eating) Get your own. 

(Cut to shot of a community center with a large billboard that reads: "Tonight: A Humanistic Approach to Parenting. Tuesday: Parenting in a Multi-cultural Society." The Morgendorffers' car pulls into a parking space.) 

  
  
  


[The plotline basically continues as follows: Helen realizes how in over her head she is as an almost-mother, and starts to lose confidence. She then learns that she doesn't have to be *everything* to her baby to be a good parent. Meanwhile Jake tries to grow closer to Howard Barksdale because he sees him as the Anti-Mad Dog: the army retire who is actually respectable and has a good home life. Howard, however, blames Jake for turning Helen toward the hippie culture and estranging her from the family, and starts dropping hints to Helen that in the future, she may be better off without him. Helen angrily and passionately defends her love of Jake and then, in essence, tells her father to butt out. Present Helen, as she tells the story, reacts with surprise, saying that she had forgotten this brief confrontation with her father over the years. After going through every name on the planet (another thread of the story), Helen finally settles on "Daria," based on the person who gave her advice on how to be a mother -- someone very in the background whom you wouldn't expect. 

In the end, Helen and Jake reflect with each other about "that time" of life, and realize that lately they seem to be more distant toward one another... in a distinct foreshadowing of "An Uneasy Marriage" and the fics that follow. 

There will also be plenty of gags based on late-70's, early 80's culture and references to the fact that with 60's idols' deaths (ex: John Lennon) and the election of Reagan, the era of idealism that Helen and Jake valued so much is dying. But trust me, this would be both a funny *and* bittersweet fic.] 


	16. Charge of the Math Brigade

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....

This is the sixteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe and my eighteenth overall. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," "Erin the Head," "Primarily Color," and "The Age of Cynicism." 

[Okay, disclaimer needed! This is only my seventeenth fanfic overall, not my eighteenth, as "The Age of Cynicism" has only been partially written. So why do I insist on listing it amongst my other fics as #15? Because long ago I determined the order in which my fics would appear, and I had reasons for feeling it would not work juxtaposed against #17 or #19. (Plus, I'd already done the Ten Spot Promo... Hmm, makes me wonder whether I ought to use the excuse I offered to John Berry in "Of Absolute Value." ; >) TAOC probably won't arrive until after I've written #19, but it will arrive. All my fanfics shall be accounted for. Until then, I've left a short teaser for it in my Postscript. ; >]

Once again, this title is a pun on the title of a superior, far more famous work: Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (1854). That poem was about a brigade of British cavalrymen, set during the Crimean War. It has almost nothing to do with the subject of this fanfic... but hee-hee, I just love title puns... ; > 

I give it a 2S...

And because the second half of Season Four is airing, I must offer a reminder: Quinn, as she appears in this fic, is the result of careful build-up, stretched out over a year, in my continuum. If you try to connect her smoothly to how she comes across in Season Four, some things obviously won't fit. That said........... Enjoy!!!

Ten Spot Promo: That guy sits on the toilet lid, cutting his toenails as the clock counts to 10. Yeeeeeeech. 

[intro theme music...................]

CHARGE OF THE MATH BRIGADE byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Lawndale High, during class)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside of Mr. Phelps's classroom. The period is nearly over, and instead of working, the students are huddled together, talking. Or rather, they're huddled around Quinn, talking about her. Quinn absorbs the attention with one of her typical serene smirks.) 

TIFFANY: (shocked, for her) No waaaaaaaaay.

QUINN: Way.

STACY: Omigod, Quinn. Omigod!

SANDI: Whoa -- contacts. Like, are you sure??

QUINN: Of course I'm sure! My eye doctor, like, called me the other day and said that a bunch of scientist guys invented this new type of lens -- one that could handle my type of astigmatism.

STACY: Oh Quinn, I'm so happy for you!!! (does an excited clap.)

QUINN: So within a few months, you could be looking at the new and improved Quinn.

(She eyes Sandi a trifle nervously as she says these last words, waiting for a response. But Sandi just cocks a brow.)

JOEY: Wow, so now I have another reason to love you.

JEFFY: Not me. I love you no matter what you wear. (Bt. conceding) But it is nice that you're getting contact lenses.

TIFFANY: Contacts make such a difference. If I, like, didn't wear mine, people... would think... I was... an Asian ... math brain.

STACY: Ewwww! At least when you get contacts, people will stop thinking you're a math brain, Quinn.

(Quinn goes a little pale and chuckles uneasily.)

TIFFANY: You must be soooooo embarrassed. 

QUINN: Uh...

(The bell rings. With that, everyone but Quinn and Sandi springs up from their seats and flees the room. Still noticeably pale, Quinn turns around to face Sandi.)

QUINN: (trying not to sound nervous) So, Sandi... um, do you think I should get blue contacts for coordination purposes? Or, um, green ones, or should I forgo colors completely?

(Pause) 

SANDI: (cryptic) Hmmmmmmm...

(But before she can state an opinion, Mr. Phelps walks up and stands behind them.)

PHELPS: Ms. Morgendorffer? May I have a word with you, please?

QUINN: (turning around abruptly) But um... I'll be late for my next class. (weak chuckle.)

PHELPS: (raising a brow) Since when do you care about being on time?

(Quinn frowns at his presumptuousness, then wilts, as he has a point. She turns back to look at Sandi, but finds that she's disappeared. With a weary, yet not terribly resistant expression, she faces the teacher with whom she has worked intensely for several weeks.)

PHELPS: (sitting on the desk beside her) This will only take a minute. It's about your current academic standing in my classroom.

QUINN: All right, all right, tell me the truth. I'm not doing well, okay??

PHELPS: Well you -- 

QUINN: (melodramatic) Go ahead. Do your worst. You can't hurt me, anymore. (gestures at her eyes.)

PHELPS: Yes, I've heard the newest contact lenses have special anti-teacher reflectors.

QUINN: (thought VO) Funny.

PHELPS: (hint of a smirk) I'll be gentle with you. Believe it or not, all of the hard work we've put in together has garnered results.

QUINN: (wary) How so?

PHELPS: You're above the minimum needed to pass my class.

QUINN: I am??

PHELPS: Yes, but --

QUINN: (hopping up) You mean the slavery's over?! (cheery.) Not that I haven't enjoyed working with you, or anything, but it was, y'know, work. And I'd just as soon do something else. (turns toward the door.) Wait'll I tell Stacy and Tiffany that I don't have to--!

PHELPS: (folding his arms) So you're ready to end it all, are you?

(Beat)

QUINN: (wary... She knows that tone of voice.) Why not? What else can you put me thr-I mean, what else is there for me to do??

PHELPS: (even-toned) You really thought this entire experience was terrible. You derived absolutely no pleasure from it.

QUINN: (thought VO) O-kayyyyyy. (aloud.) Nope.

PHELPS: Didn't you?

(Something in Phelps's gaze makes Quinn reveal a nanosecond of different feeling. She wilts again.)

PHELPS: (dryly amused, smirking a bit) Ah Ms. Morgendorffer, the way you resist anything that challenges your thinking never fails to amaze me.

QUINN: (thought VO) Same with your stupid way of always thinking you can, like, see through me. (aloud, pleasant.) That's not true. I'd die without any challenges. Like being President of the Fashion Club gives me new problems every week -- 

PHELPS: (directing her to sit down) And so might being part of a different club. Which is why I signed you up.

QUINN: (frowning a little) Signed me up??

PHELPS: Yes. (Bt) For the mathletics squad.

(Quinn's eyes become saucers and her mouth drops open.)

QUINN: With all the freaks?!

PHELPS: With the other mathletes, yes.

QUINN: But-but why?!

PHELPS: Students who participate in mathletics receive extra credit in my class. I thought you might want to do as well as possible. And it would be a good way for you to hone your newly-acquired skills.

QUINN: (helpless) But I don't want... I mean I said, but --!

PHELPS: We've got only four more tournaments 'til the season concludes. At the very least, do attend one of our practices. (raises a brow.) You could always walk away later.

(Still too overcome by shock, Quinn is unable to protest coherently. Phelps smirks and pats her shoulder lightly.)

PHELPS: I look forward to working with you, Ms. Morgendorffer.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)

(Shot of the outside.) 

QUINN: (off screen VO) I won't DO it!!

(Cut to shot of her sitting in her place at the table, at dinner. She's in full tantrum mode, while Daria observes with her usual deadpan expression. Helen mills around the kitchen, phone to her ear, and Jake eats in a semi-oblivious manner.)

QUINN: He can't make me join the geeky math brigade! He can't, he can't!!

DARIA: That's it. Think happy thoughts, and your wishes will come true.

QUINN: Shut UP, Daria!!

JAKE: (mouth half-full) Aw c'mon fweetie, ih won' be fo bad. You'n me'll toth aroun' a few pro'lems, get the ol' juifes flowih' -

DARIA: And prove to the world that brains can sound just as incoherent as the regular losers.

HELEN: (sitting down) Daria. Quinn, sweetheart, think of what a wonderful opportunity it is for you. A chance to challenge yourself and perhaps build up your application for college. Not that I'm--

QUINN: Did you people NOT hear what I SAID??! That club is full of geeks! Nerds, rejects, people who lack proper knowledge of follicle hygiene. He can't banish me to that popularity Siberia! I'll, like, freeze to death like those Donner people over there.

DARIA: Right after they scaled Mt. Everest.

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Oh honestly, Quinn, it won't be that bad. Right, Daria? (appeals to her with the expression: "Will it??") 

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: As a card-carrying member of the geek society, I can assure you she has nothing to fear. We only accept genuine nerds, not the superficial dabblers. We have standards, too, you know.

QUINN: (hopeful) You really mean it??

DARIA: Yep. And considering how you've managed to weather glasses without permanent damage to your popularity, I think you'll come through this unscathed, too. 

(Quinn's posture starts to relax.)

DARIA: (smirk popping up) But then again, I've heard mathletics can steer even the most stubborn airhead toward a career as a tax attorney.

(Quinn's jaw drops, and Helen and Jake send Daria a "Thanks a lot" frown.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the inside of a large classroom. There, we see Daria and Jane seated in the back, watching the activity in front. Jane is sketching like mad. Up front, several people -- math "brigaders" -- are gathered around a long table.)

DARIA: I don't get it, Jane. But wait -- since Quinn always does the exact opposite of what I'd like or respect, I do get it.

JANE: Get what?

DARIA: Quinn's not so oblivious that she can't see math could really get her somewhere. Why else would she work to bring her math grade up?

JANE: Threat of parental retribution?

DARIA: Which would be as effective as the countless other times they've threatened her, only to be ignored. (Bt) She might as well just go the extra mile and do what she needs to do. It won't make her any less popular.

JANE: (smirking) Oh you think so, eh?

(She pushes her drawing toward Daria. Cut to close-up. There, we see what looks like exaggerated caricatures of three guys. Cut to shot of the same three in real life, and we see that Jane's sketches are not exaggerated. If the word "geek" were made for anyone, it would be for them. One of the three is Barry from "'Shipped Out," carrying a trademark stuffed animal on his shoulder. All three guys wear pocket protectors and sashes with the school's colors, as well as carry giant calculators that resemble computers. And all three are squabbling.)

BARRY: (squeaky Corey voice) Clarence, it's patently obvious you should have said X equals negative twenty-three over three, not X equals seven and two thirds!

CLARENCE: (perpetual stutterer) B-b-but B-b-barry b-b-b-b --

SQUIGGLEY: ("aw shucks" nerd) Aw c'mon, Barry, I mean gee whiz, Clarence was probably just nervous, I mean I can't read his mind or nothin' so I don't want to assume, but gosh I dunno...

BARRY: (peevish) So what if he was nervous, Squiggley? Because of Clarence, we didn't get those two points and Oakwood mopped the floor with us!

(Both Clarence and Squiggley shudder.)

SQUIGGLEY: (meek) My butt still hurts.

CLARENCE: Th-th-they used m-my t-tongue.

BARRY: Then they said my Taxidermy Society was comical and disturbing. Oh the pain! (Bt) Well we can't keep getting beat like this, men! Remember which school is coming up.

CLARENCE: (look of terror on his face) N-n-n-n-n-n-noooo!

SQUIGGLEY: (mumbling) Please don't say it... please don't say it... PLEASE don't say it --

BARRY: Grove Hills.

CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: AGH!

BARRY: You know how seriously those nerds take their mathletics. They'll crucify us unless we stick together. (raises his sash.) We must wear the Lawndale colors with pride!

CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: (raising their sashes) Here h-here!

(They click calculators in a salute, then butt heads, which causes all three to groan and stumble backward. Resume shot of Daria and Jane.) 

DARIA: To think you tried to set me up with him.

JANE: Must you keep beating me over the head about that?! 

DARIA: Yes. 

(Just then, cut to shot of Phelps entering the classroom. He carries himself with his usual stiff air - perfectly upright, each leg sticking straight out in front with each step he takes. Over one shoulder rests his coat, which he holds onto rigidly with his right arm.)

DARIA: (off screen VO) Say, has Buckingham Palace reported a guard missing?

JANE: Haven't checked. But even so, Phelps wouldn't resume the position. He's found his true calling sucking the life out of every math problem he finds.

(Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: Rumor has it he's smiled once, just once, since he came to Lawndale. When he was chastising a student for failing to round a decimal point to the nearest one-thousandth.

DARIA: Wow. Not only relaxed, but understanding, too.

JANE: He's actually not so bad. To me, anyway. But I sure as hell never had to work so hard for a C in my entire life.

DARIA: Sounds as though he should have asked you to join the mathletics squad.

(Beat)

JANE: (frowning a little) Yeah. (Bt) But hey: where's the little Geek in Chic? Aren't we here to torture her?? (Cut to shot of Quinn in the hallway, talking to Stacy and Tiffany, looking rushed.)

STACY: (nervous) I don't know, Quinn. I mean do you really think Tiffany and me can hold a meeting by ourselves?

QUINN: (taking her by the shoulders, reassuring) Of course you can! I have total faith in you guys. Didn't Tiffany do a good job when she was acting president the last time?

(Remembering the disaster in "Of Absolute Value," Stacy and Tiffany exchange panicked looks.)

TIFFANY: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut --

QUINN: Listen guys, I have to run, or I'll be late to my grandma's funeral. Ciao! (does a little wave, which Stacy and Tiffany timidly return.)

(After they leave, Quinn watches them depart, then slips into the girls' bathroom.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Quinn strolls into the classroom, wearing a disguise, consisting of a brown tweed jumpsuit and scarf, glasses with tinted lenses, and her hair done up. With the air of a thirty year-old, she approaches the table where the three guys are sitting.)

JANE: (off screen VO) Now who does she think she's trying to fool?

(Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley quit talking and just stare at Quinn. She in turn freezes, then presses up against the blackboard in an attempt to look as inconspicuous and aloof as possible.) 

DARIA: (off screen VO) Whoever it was, it didn't work.

CLARENCE: (whispering to his buddies) Wh-wh-who's that?

BARRY: (whispering) She can't be real! She's too beauuuutiful!

SQUIGGLEY: (to Barry) Go talk to her. (Bt) Um, I mean, if it's not too much trouble, or nothin'.

BARRY: I shall! Um, as representative of the mathletics squad, it's my duty.

(Cut to shot of Quinn, looking very uncomfortable. Her face blanches as Barry approaches.)

BARRY: Um... (holds up his hand with the middle two fingers spread apart, then makes a bunch of gurgling sounds.)

QUINN: EWWWWW! I mean (French accent.) ouuuuuuuu.

BARRY: I greet you with the traditional Kling'on welcome. My Kling'on name is Smartok, but you may call me by my Earth name -- Barry Bukowski. And what is your name?

QUINN: (whisper) Oh God, please kill me now.

BARRY: Huh??

QUINN: (bad faux French accent) Um... urm... zee name, eet ees... um... Simone. Uh yes -- I mean oui.

BARRY: Ohhhh, neato. (irritating laugh.) So do you visit America often? Y' know around here, I'm considered quite a catch.

QUINN: Ugh!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane wearing wicked smirks.)

DARIA: Even my fondest dreams of Quinn's humiliation never went so well.

(Resume shot of Quinn and Barry. Quinn looks, quite literally, like she's going to die.)

QUINN: Uh...

PHELPS: (off screen VO) Ms. Morgendorffer, you've made it.

(Pan over to show him with a bunch of students in another corner of the classroom.)

PHELPS: Do settle in and make yourself comfortable. Get to know your teammates. (Bt) Everyone, Ms. Morgendorffer will be joining you for an indefinite length of time.

(Cut to shot of Clarence and Squiggley.)

SQUIGGLEY: Ms. Morgendorffer?

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Barry.)

BARRY: Quinn?? Quinn Morgendorffer??! (He immediately starts hyperventilating and stumbles away.)

QUINN: (to herself) Now I understand: I'm already dead. I've gone to hell. (looks away, sees Daria and Jane.) Oh Gawd!

(From their perch, Daria and Jane wave to her.)

QUINN: (putting a hand over her eyes) Hghhhhhhhh... (Suddenly she feels a tap on her shoulder.) Oh Gawd, no more! I can't take anymore!

VOICE: Quinn? What's wrong?

(Quinn turns. Pan over to show Jodie, also wearing the mathletics sash. Quinn grabs her by the shoulders and practically shakes her.)

QUINN: Oh Jodie -- thank God, someone popular. You have to get me out of here!

JODIE: (surprise) Why are you even here? Is the Fashion Club designing new logos for our sashes?

QUINN: Phelps made me join. I had no choice!

JODIE: (more surprised) Did I just hear right? He made you join?? 

QUINN: Don't say it so loud! (glances anxiously at the door.) So I s'pose this is, like, one of your gazillion clubs?? You know, Jodie, if you help me escape, I can make you an honorary member of the Fashion Club, which would look much better on any applic--

JODIE: ("As if") That's really nice of you, but the Fashion Club won't give me extra credit in math. I only have a ninety-five in Phelps's class.

QUINN: (sarcastic) Oh poor you. 

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) C' mon, it'll be okay. Barry, Clarence, and Melvin aren't too bad once you get to know them...

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Quinn is seated at the table, scribbling away on a piece of paper. Her concentration is disrupted, though, when Clarence, who sits to one side of her, accidently bounces his pencil too hard on the table top, causing it to fly upward and land in Squiggley's ear.)

SQUIGGLEY: Agh! I've been stabbed! (jumps up in a panic.)

CLARENCE: S-s-sorry m-ma --

SQUIGGLEY: Golly, I feel my whole life passin' before my eyes. Alas, poor Squiggley, they knew me well. (sniffles, then grows pale, like he's close to passing out.)

BARRY: Head between your knees!

(Squiggley nods and tries to do so while still standing, which causes him to sway and nearly fall over. Jodie gets up from her seat and, with the patience of a mother who's used to dealing with whiny children, walks over to him. She leans over and plucks the pencil out of Squiggley's ear.) 

JODIE: You had the eraser end in your ear, Melvin. You aren't dying.

SQUIGGLEY: (sniff) I'm not?? (Bt. meek) Gosh, thanks. You've saved me from an early grave.

JODIE: Um... any time. (shakes her head, walks away.)

(From her seat, Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: "Not too bad once you get to know them, she says..." Ha. (puts the last touches on a problem, then pushes the paper forward with disgust.) Ugh! It's fixed, all right?! I'm done.

(Phelps looks up from where he is sitting, which is not far from where Daria and Jane are sprawled out. He pulls out a stop watch, stands up.)

PHELPS: And in record time, I see. (He walks over to Quinn, leans over her paper to examine the work.) Hmmm -- nice penmanship as always, Ms. Morgendorffer.

QUINN: You know I only like to work with cute numbers. And too many eraser streaks, like, make the paper look really unattractive.

PHELPS: (a faint, knowing smirk) And correct as always.

(The other mathletes pause in their activities and look at Quinn. Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley's eyes bug out, while Jodie can't conceal an impressed smirk. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: (vaguely impressed) Whoo-hoo -- that's ten in a row. The girl is on a roll. (She does a weak fist pump, then yawns.)

DARIA: (distant) Yep. 

(Jane glances at her briefly before closing her eyes. Daria has been seated upright and watching Quinn intently. The expression on her face can be described as... strange. It's not animated, but not her usual deadpan either. Rather, it could be described as stunned, maybe even conflicted. Resume shot of Quinn, Mr. Phelps, and the other mathletes.)

QUINN: (scornful) How many of these things do you guys do at a meeting??

PHELPS: That one will be your last. For now. (He steps away from where she is sitting and addresses the other mathletes.) Well I think that confirms it, don't you agree?

(The mathletes nod. Then some get confused looks on their faces.)

BARRY: Um... confirms what?

PHELPS: That this girl will be a fine addition to our squad.

BARRY: Oh yeah!

(He gives Quinn a lovesick look, and more nods are seen all around.)

PHELPS: Fine enough to deserve first chair.

BARRY: Yeah! (Bt) Wait a minute. Um...

JODIE: (frowning) Mr. Phelps? (Bt) You want to take first chair away from Barry?

PHELPS: Well I wasn't aware it belonged to him, but yes. Do you object, Mr. Bukowski?

BARRY: Uhhhh... (He looks as though he does, but then he turns to Quinn, who appears completely shocked.) Of course not! She can have anything she wants! 

(Jodie sighs heavily. Meanwhile Daria and Jane have been listening in, Jane looking more alert.)

DARIA: (trying not to sound jealous) Wow. First meeting, first chair. Looks like Quinn's powers over the opposite sex extend to math teachers. Just imagine if she actually got along with him.

JANE: She did get all those problems right, though.

(Resume shot of Quinn, Jodie, the other mathletes, and Mr. Phelps.)

JODIE: Permission to speak my mind, sir?

PHELPS: Go ahead.

JODIE: We're going up against some really tough schools over the next few weeks. And Quinn's untested. How will she even know what to do??

PHELPS: An important question, Ms. Landon. (Bt) And my only response is that you test her out before then, hmm?

QUINN: (outraged) But who says I even WANT to be tested?! This was supposed to be one meeting and then I was through with worrying about math.

PHELPS: (with patience, accustomed to dealing with Quinn's volatile personality) Yes, well now you're presented with a new challenge, aren't you? One that perhaps you shouldn't look your nose down upon. (to the group.) Listen, it's you all who are the mathletics squad, and it's you who will be working together. I'll leave this as a choice to make amongst yourselves.

(With that, he leaves them alone.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Squiggley hopping around with the pencil in his ear, followed by shot of Quinn appealing to Sandi, followed by shot of Daria smirking at Quinn at the dinner table.]

You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Will Jake's attempts to get closer to Helen drive them further apart? Will DeMartino be able to reclaim the school that was taken from him? Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

Dammit, this is the funniest commercial I've seen in a long time! "I am not a secretary; I'm an administrative assistant. I am not a plain M I am a milk chocolate M&M. I am not a cheerleader; I'm an athletic supporter. (Bt) What??" A great twist on our society's tendency to make everything politically correct. 

Okay, this one's been on for a while and everyone's prolly sick of it, but I just had to get this comment in: finally a GAP commercial gets done right! Dancers moving to the music of "West Side Story" sure as hell beats a bunch of zombies twitching to 80's tunes...

[Random aside: if you want to know much San Francisco had sold its progressive soul, look no further than the GAP store on Haight-Ashbury! As Tiffany would say: "That's sooooooo wrong."] 

You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

CHARGE OF THE MATH BRIGADE

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the living room. Daria sits on the couch, reading a book, while Quinn stalks about behind her.)

QUINN: (nose wrinkled, Phelps imitation) "Yes, well now you're presented with a new challenge, aren't you? An' I know what's best for you 'cause I, like, know everything an' you know nothing, don't you?" That jerk! He makes me so mad! (She collapses on the couch, face down, and pounds on the cushion.)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) The painful life of a genius.

QUINN: (raising her head) Leave me alone, Daria! No one tells Quinn Morgendorffer what to do!! No one!!! (Bt) Well okay, Sandi did, but I didn't really follow her; I just pretended to so she wouldn't think I was disloyal, but all a long I was just biding my time 'til --

DARIA: (annoyed) Listen, that teacher of yours, he didn't tell you what to do. Ignoring your utter lack of experience, he handed you a top-level position. No matter how good you might be at math, that counts as a break.

QUINN: You don't have to tell me, Smarty. Like, I know what a break is!

DARIA: Having had more than your fair share.

QUINN: Well I don't care! (face trembles a little.) Just when it seemed like things were getting good for me, just when it seemed like stuff would go back to normal... (The rest of her sentence is lost in a sudden gasp-sob.)

DARIA: Normal as in "popularity: good, thinking: bad," right? (When she sees that Quinn is too choked up to respond, her voice takes on a gentler tone.) You still believe that? Don't you remember what I said when you first got glasses? (Pause. sigh.) Look, so don't go to the other practices, then. Return to your fashion minions: they're probably lost without you.

QUINN: But even so they might still find out I went to one of the geek brigade practices and then they'll think I'm really into math -- which I'm not, by the way -- and then I'd never live it down! And then they might go back to Sandi. 

DARIA: Aren't you and she --?

QUINN: Sure, Sandi and I've been getting along great lately -- almost like sisters. But she hasn't said anything about rejoining the Fashion Club and she's not around as much anymore. (Bt) Which means she must be up to something.

DARIA: Of course.

QUINN: (blinking back tears) It'll be just like it was during the Fashion Club Elections! Only this time when I get abandoned, I won't have cheerleading to fall back on. (buries her face in the couch.) I'm doomed. Doomed, I tell you! 

DARIA: Yes. Doomed to follow a path that could bring you future success. (Bt) Or would it?

QUINN: (lifting her head slightly) Huh?

(Beat)

DARIA: (coy) How do we really know you're so good at math? 

QUINN: (sitting up) What d' you mean?? You've seen me in action, haven't you??

DARIA: I've seen that you've gotten a few math problems correct. But what does that prove? (can't resist smirking.) How do I know your success isn't just a hoax perpetuated by you and your math instructor?

QUINN: (wounded) It's not! I really am good. I give poor pathetic math problems a second chance at life!

DARIA: Huh??

QUINN: Broken and unbalanced, the numbers cry out: "Quinn! Quinn! Only you can fix me!" And I strive to find an ensemble that works for them.

DARIA: O-kay.

QUINN: And I'm better at finding a number ensemble than anyone else. So you see?? I am good!

DARIA: No, I don't see. A few problems right: all just dumb luck in my opinion.

(She chooses this opportunity to stand up and saunter out of the room, hoping that Quinn will take the bait. Quinn scowls after her.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Barry's house, one afternoon after school)

(Shot of the outside: a nondescript split-level house. Cut to close-up of a cute little squirrel with shiny eyes. After a few seconds, when the squirrel fails to move, we realize that it is actually stuffed. Zoom out to show an entire array of stuffed squirrels and birds, arranged in a faux nature setting along a wall of the dining room, where Barry and the math brigaders have gathered. Jodie views the scene with a slight frown.)

JODIE: Barry? Is your mother okay with you spreading your hobby throughout the house? 

BARRY: My mom's been touring the country as a Captain Janeway look-alike, so she hasn't noticed. (leans forward, attempts a "Come hither" expression that fails miserably.) What do you think, Quinn?? 

(Pan over to show Quinn, looking pale and distressed.)

QUINN: Oh God, those cute animals. Those poor cute animals!

BARRY: Oh boy! I knew you'd like it!

QUINN: Let's just get this meeting over with, okay?? (groans.) How does this geek squad work??

(Quinn's insult appears to fly right over Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley's heads, but it causes Jodie to roll her eyes.)

JODIE: (like she can't believe she's explaining this to Quinn of all people) There are five main chairs on the mathletics squad, plus chairs for the alternates. Barry was first chair, I was second, Clarence third, Melvin fourth, and Cheryl fifth. (with slight annoyance.) We thought when Cheryl left with mono, an alternate would fill in for her. But since you're here --

QUINN: (cringing with disgust) Do we all have to wear geeky pads and a helmet like that guy?? (She points to Clarence, who looks as though he's ready for the Demolition Derby.)

BARRY: Clarence likes to be protected from paper cut injuries. Those corners only look innocent.

CLARENCE: Y-y-yeah.

SQUIGGLEY: Maybe I should get a helmet, too. (rubs his pencil-injured ear.)

JODIE: (to Quinn) But anyway, as first chair, it's important for you to get our team off to a good start. You'll have to be on the ball, sharp-minded, calm under pressure. (wary.) Think you could handle that?? (Quinn gives a slight, apathetic nod.) We begin with a one-on-one section, followed by a group --

QUINN: (bored, curt) Look, all I wanna know is what's at stake?? Like, who's really gonna care if we don't win??

JODIE: Mr. Phelps will care.

QUINN: (eyes narrowing) If he cares, I don't care.

JODIE: I don't know, all right? (lowers her voice.) Look, no one watches our tournaments. Not even Mack, and he's my boyfriend. And truthfully, with all of the other stuff going on in my life, this is the club I care least about.

QUINN: Ooooh great.

BARRY: You gotta help us Quinn! We're meeting Grove Hills a week after our match against Cumberland! We hafta beat 'em!

JODIE: Beat Grove Hills? (sits up straighter.) I'm there. 

CLARENCE: (holds up a piece of paper) Th-th-they s-s-sent us an im-mim-mim-tim-mim -

QUINN: Could we try not sounding like we're trapped in a stupid freezer? Gimme that. (grabs the paper from him.)

(As the three guys gather around her and Jodie to read, they make disturbed buzzing sounds. All but Quinn appear engrossed in the message, which is written in neat black calligraphy on white paper.)

JODIE: (frowning) There once was a math club from Lawndale So convinced that it could not fail. It dawdled too often And built its own coffin. So now we'll provide it the nail.

Pleasant dreams, chumps. We'll be waiting in your nightmares. -- Grove Hills

Ugh. That sounds just like something Graham and those snobs would've come up with.

(Clarence goes pale and passes out, face forward, where his helmet is of no use to him. He hits his head on the table with a bang, then slides onto the floor.)

JODIE/SQUIGGLEY/BARRY: Oh no!

SQUIGGLEY: Gee whiz, must've forgotten to take his insulin.

BARRY: (shrieking) I told him, I told him: when you're feeling faint, head between the knees! Now Mom's gonna kill me for letting someone die in our house!

JODIE: (thought VO) Mono's starting to look pretty good right now. (rolls her eyes, resigned to play den mother again.) Hold on: I know CPR.

(Before leaning over, she turns to Quinn, who looks quite unnerved by all this.)

JODIE: (lowering her voice) If you need a reason to do your best in first chair, this is it. Those guys will be dead if we don't beat Grove Hills.

QUINN: (wrinkling her nose) And that's a bad thing?

JODIE: (after biting her lip for a split second to keep from laughing) Look, just try to take your role seriously, all right? Even if you're as smart as Phelps seems to think you are, you still have to work hard. So don't slack off.

(Quinn frowns resentfully and folds her arms on the table: "Slack off?? Her??" A few seconds later, we hear the sound of Jodie gagging off screen.)

CLARENCE: S-s-sorry 'b-bout the uh-onions.

JODIE: Don't... mention it. 

SCENE 3 (Cumberland High auditorium, a week later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Cumberland's auditorium and stage. On the stage sit two long tables on either side, each with four seats, plus two desks in the center of the stage. The mathletes from Team Lawndale and Team Cumberland are getting prepared, and we see Quinn slumped over in a chair at one table, oblivious to everyone around her.)

QUINN: (thought VO, resentful) Slack off? Slack off?? I don't slack off, I never slack off. I just focus on the stuff that's important to me and being first is important to me and I'm first chair so that means I care about winning 'cause if you're first you're a winner, right? Right?! Why does everyone think I'm a slacker, I don't even like slacks cause they never show off your legs so why would I try to be something I hate?? Stupid Daria thinks she's so smart an' my smart is just "dumb luck," well I'll show her what dumb luck is when I win! (scans the auditorium anxiously.) Oh God, pleeeeeease don't let me see anyone I know!

(Cut to Quinn's POV. The auditorium contains maybe a half-dozen people. But two of the people happen to be Daria and Jane. Resume shot of Quinn. She rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: Great. It's like I'm in prison and she's my freakin' guard dog or something. She'd just better not make fun of me again.

(Just then, the person who will ask math questions during the tournament comes up to her from behind.)

EXAMINER: Miss? (taps Quinn's shoulder.)

QUINN: Agh!

EXAMINER: (smiling with understanding) Feeling nervous?

QUINN: No.

EXAMINER: Good. Now if I could just double-check your name. It's Quinn Morg-

QUINN: (shaking her head) No-no-no, it's... um... Gwen. Gwen Morgan.

EXAMINER: But the card says --

QUINN: Well it's wrong. 

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria with Jane.)

DARIA: (muttering to herself) Twenty bucks. I should've asked for fifty. 

JANE: (sardonic) Honestly, if I'd known a bag of peanuts would cost four bucks at this thing, I wouldn't've come. (sigh.) These mathletic events are charging way above of the average Joe's price range.

DARIA: Well maybe the sideshow will make up for it. (looks off screen, cocks an eyelid.) His Excellency has arrived.

(Cut to shot of Phelps roaming around beside the table, examining every fine detail with cool eyes and a stern expression. He freezes at one corner of the table and jostles it with one quick movement of his arm. He scowls.)

PHELPS: (to the Examiner) Sir these table legs aren't fitted according to regulations. I detected a slight wobble.

EXAMINER: (tired... having dealt with Phelps and his ilk before) It's just your imagination, mister. We make sure our tables are perfectly straight.

PHELPS: Yes, well if one my students' exam papers should happen to slide off, not to mention any injuries they could incur, I won't hesitate to contact the authorities and complain --

EXAMINER: All right, all right. (smiles angrily.) I'll have someone fix the legs.

(Phelps scarcely hears him, having already turned his attention to a bundle of pencils lying on the table. He picks one up, examines it closely.)

PHELPS: And these are 4B pencils. You do realize that the softer lead of a 4B pencil greatly increases the amount of streakage on the paper.

EXAMINER: (grumbling) It's easier to erase.

PHELPS: But the erasures will be sloppy, and in a tournament such as this, legibilty means everything. (waves the pencil at the Examiner as he says this.) 

(The Examiner mumbles something incomprehensible.)

DARIA: (off screen) Why do I get the feeling he's only obsessed with this tournament because all the really good dictatorships have been taken?

JANE: (off screen) Not quite. Cuba might soon have an opening.

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She's been near Phelps this whole time, but has been too absorbed in her own dilemma to acknowledge him with her usual irritation. Pan over to show Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley gathered a short distance away, looking at her with concern.)

BARRY: Pooor Quinn. So beautiful, so distressed. I'd take on the entire Borg Collective if it would make her feel better.

SQUIGGLEY: Uh, maybe you could go reassure her, or something. If that's all right with you.

BARRY: I've tried talking to her. But alas, she's as cold and proud as Seven of Nine.

SQUIGGLEY: But gee, um, she might really start to like you if you talk to 'er...

BARRY: I don't know...

CLARENCE: Dammit man, just DO it!!!

(Both Squiggley and Barry look at him with utter shock. Then Barry nods and quickly scampers over to Quinn's side. He holds out something small and fuzzy.)

BARRY: Here, Quinn. How'd ya like my lucky rabbit's foot for good luck?

QUINN: (snide) Did you, like, kill the rabbit and stuff it first? 

BARRY: Oh no -- I only stuff whole rabbits.

QUINN: Ewwwwww! 

BARRY: See, it's for rubbing when you get nervous --

QUINN: Look, would you just leave me alone?? Just 'cause we work together does not mean we have to exchange non-math related dialogue. (Bt) And I am not nervous! 

(As she turns away from Barry, she catches the determined gaze of her beloved math instructor. Quinn's face goes a shade paler and she swallows hard.) 

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. We see that the competition is ready to start and mathletes are in position. Quinn and the Cumberland first chair sit at the isolated desks in the center of the stage, while their teams sit at the tables on either side. The Examiner stands before them at a podium. Cut to close-up of Quinn. Her eyes are wide and her face is pale. Her pencil trembles slightly.) 

QUINN: (thought VO) I'm not nervous, oh no, I'm not nervous, not nervous me. That's just ridiculous, me nervous. Oh God... oh God... oh God... oh God-oh God-oh God-oh God-oh God. Ogodogodogodogodogodogodogodogodogodogodogodogodoh -- 

EXAMINER: First question.

QUINN: (thought VO) Oh God can I do this? Oh God am I really good enough?? Oh God I wish this was Cashman's and I was selecting a designer ensemble for summer evening wear. There are so many cute dresses out now, and open-toed shoes are arriving in an unlimited number of styles... (Pause) Wait -- did he just ask the question? (Bt) He must've, 'cause I'm writing. I'm writing, my hand is moving, I'm writing something. But what?!

(Cut to shot of Daria. She's leaning forward slightly in her seat, wearing the same odd expression as she did at the practice. Cut to shot of Mr. Phelps, watching with focused eyes and an unreadable expression. Resume shot of Quinn. She slaps her pencil on the desk.)

QUINN: (unnaturally high) Done!

(The Examiner saunters over to check the answer. A dramatic pause follows.)

EXAMINER: Correct. One point for Lawndale!

(The members of Quinn's team start clapping and cheering, with Barry and his pals going overboard, of course. Cut to shot of Mr. Phelps, a small smirk playing upon his lips. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, with Jane clapping. Resume shot of Quinn, who relaxes noticeably and gets an "I knew it all along" expression on her face. Fade-out.)

(Fade-in to much later in the tournament, with the chalkboard revealing that Cumberland is down by a point. The five main members of each team are gathered together for the group portion, each person scribbling away on a piece of paper.)

EXAMINER: This is the final question. Two points for the team that answers first and answers correctly...

(Cut to close-up of Team Lawndale.)

QUINN: (hushed, authoritative) All right, I know what to do here. I've seen this one before.

SQUIGGLEY: Me, too. You --

QUINN: No, let me. Here, now first you get rid of the big box thingy, set it up so one is greater than, one is less than, add three to one side... 

(Meanwhile the other mathletes are scribbling furiously. Jodie sort of glares at Quinn for her rudeness, but knows there's too little time to argue with her.)

QUINN: 'Kay, then you add the pointy arrow thing.

(Beat)

BARRY: Huh??

QUINN: The pointy arrow... you know, with the cute little tail.

JODIE: I don't follow you.

QUINN: (face reddening) Don't you guys know anything?? The pointy arrow is --

TEAM CUMBERLAND: (off screen) DONE!

CUMBERLAND GIRL: (off screen) The answer is X is a value between eleven and sixty-three! 

(The Lawndale mathletes lift their heads and await the Examiner's reply with shock and dread.)

EXAMINER: Correct! Cumberland wins by one!

(A cheer roars out from the sparse crowd. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Daria gets an expression of vague sympathy. Cut to shot of Phelps. His face remains expressionless, but he closes his eyes. Resume shot of Team Lawndale. All of the mathletes wear looks of frustration and defeat. Almost as soon as their defeat has sunk in do the accusations begin.)

QUINN: (enraged) God, don't you guys know anything?! How could you not know what this is?! (She pushes her paper forward.) 

BARRY: (surprised) But you said you would explain everything.

CLARENCE: Y-yeah.

QUINN: That doesn't mean everything-everything. I thought math nerds at least knew the basics!

JODIE: Well maybe we would've if you knew the right terminology. That "pointy arrow thing" --

BARRY: Is a greater-than-or-equal-to symbol. 

CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: Yeah.

JODIE: Maybe if you hadn't been so arrogant and thought you were exempt from doing work, from learning little things like the correct names of symbols, we would've understood --

QUINN: All right, all right, Gawd. (Her face is now red with mortification. Being told she was in the wrong was hard enough, but Jodie's remarks really stung.) I didn't realize I was such a lousy addition to your freaking team. Well fine, after today I won't bother you anymore...

(With a jerk of her chair, she stands upright. Jodie and the guys eye each other with concern.)

BARRY: No Quinn! We didn't mean it! Pleeeeeeeeease don't go! (He jumps out of his chair and makes an unsuccessful effort to fall to his knees before her.)

JODIE: (somewhat contrite) We shouldn't've flown off the handle like that. You're still learning, it was just your first time --

QUINN: And my last.

(On her way off stage, she jumps over Barry, who'd attempted to block her path. Cut to close-up of Phelps, still standing in his corner. His eyes have shifted to the side, and he appears to be planning something.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale High, the next day)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn strolling through the hallway with Stacy and Tiffany, looking more serene.)

QUINN: (thought VO) It's soooooo good to be with normal people again.

(They pass by Kevin and Brittany, who are trying to get Kevin's football-helmeted head out of his locker.)

KEVIN: (whiny) It's really, really stuck, babe!

BRITTANY: Oh no! My Kevvy's head'll be trapped in there forever!

KEVIN: I just hope they don't have to saw it off an' reattach it or nothing. That would really hurt! 

STACY: (semi-whiny, laying a hand on Quinn's arm) We're so glad you're back from donating blood for your cousin's bone marrow transplant, Quinn. Things have just been falling apart without you!

TIFFANY: Look.

(She removes that sweater she attained at the beginning of Season Four, revealing that she and Stacy are wearing the same outfits.)

STACY: Tiffany forgot to issue the three-day fashion forecast. Now we're matching!

TIFFANY: Does this make me look as fat as it makes her?

(This wins her a rare scowl from Stacy.)

QUINN: (somewhat distracted) You guys both look fine. No one's gonna destroy you for matching one day -- as long as Tiffany keeps wearing that sweater. (quick transition.) But say, I was wondering: remember what you said a while ago about people thinking I was (forced laugh.) a math brain? Um, people, um, didn't hold it against me, did they?

STACY: I'm not sure. (whiny) Oh, but you haven't even heard the worst thing we did --!

QUINN: (worried) Not sure as in "No they didn't" or not sure as in "Maybe they did, but I wasn't there" or not sure as in "Maybe they were going to but I was there" and they know you're a friend of me and they've been pretending to like me this whole time so they couldn't, like, risk the whole back-stabber stigma? (Bt) Well?!

(Stacy and Tiffany eye each other with "What's gotten in to her??" expressions.)

TIFFANY: Wellllll... I heard Skylar say that all math brains grow up to be fat and wear baggy clothes... and if you're a girl... no guy will date you.

QUINN: (cringing) Oh.

STACY: (soothing) He probably wasn't talking about you, Quinn.

QUINN: Well Skylar and I are on the outs, anyway. Like I'd care about what he --

STACY: And I heard Tori tell Brooke that math brains, like, go off in a whole other world and you can't talk to them or relate to them at all. And Brooke said she was right.

QUINN: Well she's wrong! About me, anyway! Um, not that I am a math brain.

TIFFANY: No waaaaaay.

STACY: (looking off screen) Oh NO! (starts hyperventilating.) It's spreading, Tiffany!

QUINN: (turning to look) What is??

(They pause in front of a group wearing jeans with waistbands that fall to mid-thigh, baggy sweaters, and backward-turned caps.)

QUINN: Agh!

TIFFANY: Hip hop. Everywhere... hip hop.

STACY: Make it STOP!

QUINN: What happened?? Didn't you remember our unacceptable fashions drill??

STACY: W-we would have...

TIFFANY: It wasn't my fault...

STACY: (glaring) Well it wasn't mine, either. Tiffany and me spent the meeting discussing how to coordinate the new plaid nail polish...

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) And so you forgot --

TIFFANY: To remember --

STACY: To, um, send out a warning about hip hop fashions. (Bt.) You, um, weren't there...

QUINN: (straining to be patient) And what about Sandi?

TIFFANY: She wasn't, either.

STACY: (lips quivering) So we were al-l-lone.

TIFFANY: And one of those guys said I was fat, and, like, that was a good thing. (shudders.)

QUINN: Can't you two do anything without my help?! Do I always have to be watching you?! (She sees the stunned looks on her friends' faces and quickly retreats.) Um, uh... never mind. Look, we can contain this thing before it spreads to the rest of the school. We just need a plan.

(Stacy and Tiffany nod with anticipation and relief.)

QUINN: First we'll --

BARRY: (off screen, calling) Qui-inn! Oh Quiiii-iiiiinn!

STACY: (looking off screen) Ewww! What does that guy want, Quinn??

TIFFANY: (also looking) Like he'd even stand a chance with you.

STACY: Yeah. (Bt) Quinn?

(They both turn their eyes to where Quinn was standing, only to find that she's vanished. Meanwhile, the group of hip-hoppers have spotted them and begin closing in. Stacy and Tiffany quickly forget about their president's disappearance and regard their situation with growing horror.)

GUY: Heyyyyyy, check out the phat chicks!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. They're standing around outside of class when all of the sudden Quinn streaks past them and out of sight.)

JANE: (like a sports announcer) It's Morgendorffer in the lead with only two laps to go!

DARIA: She must really be upset if she's resorting to actual physical exertion.

JANE: About the math competition? You mean our little Material Girl isn't happy?? Now she can spend every second of her newfound freedom searching for more tube tops.

DARIA: Call me crazy, but I think she wanted to stay on the mathletics squad.

JANE: Okay, Crazy. How can you tell?

DARIA: Last night she kept moping over dinner about how she could've done this better or that better, how it should've been log base ten to the eighth power instead of log base two to the third power.

JANE: Come again??

DARIA: I just made that up to give you an idea. But she's too much of a proud, vain egomaniac to ever admit that she wants her spot back.

JANE: Ooh yeah.

DARIA: Even though that Barry guy keeps calling our house trying to get her to change her mind.

JANE: Barry?? (cringes.) Have you changed phone numbers yet?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Eleven messages. Long ones. In a very... whiny... tone. (sighs heavily.) It's enough to make a compassionate sibling want to tell Quinn to cut the crap and just do what feels right to her. (Bt) Too bad I'm not compassionate.

(Jane lifts a brow. Daria stands there expressionlessly for several more seconds before she finally rolls her eyes again and trudges off in the direction where Quinn fled.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (outside of the teacher's lounge)

(Shot of the outside.)

PHELPS: (from inside, tense) For the last time --

DeMARTINO: FIRST she gives you the best PARKing spot! The-ehhhn you mysteriously get your own REFRIGERATOR so you don't have to share with the other teachers and get YOUR meatball sub mixed together with someone else's tuna-and- egg-SALAD! 

PHELPS: For your information, I bought that refrigerator --

DeMARTINO: PUH-LEEEEEASE!

(Just at the door to the lounge starts to open, we see Quinn sweep past. She's not running anymore, but she's still moving fast and looking spooked. Right when she exits the screen, the door opens wide enough for us to see Phelps and DeMartino, giving each other evil looks.)

DeMARTINO: Since when can a TEACHER afford to buy any luxuries?? Unless said teacher got a big fat SALARY when he came --! PHELPS: (curt) Look, I see a student of mine whom I need to speak to. So unless you have anything worthwhile to say, this conversation is finished. Good day. (He leaves quickly.)

DeMARTINO: (shouting after him) Ohhh NO, this is only the BEGINNING!!!

(Cut to shot of Quinn, who has paused to cool off, lest sweat actually pop up on her skin. Phelps strolls over to her.)

PHELPS: (hint of a smirk) Well good morning.

QUINN: (in no mood to fake respectfulness) Oh. It's you.

PHELPS: (unfazed) Now is that any way to greet your instructor?

QUINN: (mumbling) I dunno.

(Beat)

PHELPS: You left the scene of the competition so quickly yesterday that we didn't have the chance to chat.

QUINN: (sarcastic) Gee, too bad.

(She looks as though she wants to leave, and Phelps looks somewhat taken aback by her overt hostility.)

PHELPS: My dear Quinn... (sighs.) people do lose sometimes. It happens to the best of us.

QUINN: Oh gee really?! Gosh, you mean you're, like, okay with someone smudging their stupid answer 'cause the table was too crooked and getting it wrong??!

PHELPS: (smirking once more) All right, I'll admit: I can get a little obsessive at times.

QUINN: Try all the time. (She chuckles bitterly, not caring anymore what he does to her.) You're, like, the ONLY teacher I've ever met who wants to be perfect at everything. No one's as bad as YOU -- not Jodie Landon, not Sandi Griffin. The only other person who even comes close (Bt) is me.

(Phelps looks as though he's going to respond, but when he sees Quinn's face take on a pensive expression, he closes his mouth.) 

QUINN: (pouty, frustrated) I don't like it when people say I'm bad at stuff. (Bt) I don't like it when I think they're right.

PHELPS: And when your teammates complained about your performance, you quickly assumed that they knew you better than you know yourself. (Quinn looks at him warily for a moment. Then she nods reluctantly.) Even though their frustration could have been directed towards anyone in the group, given the heated nature of the competition. (More nods.) And you're willing to quit because you don't ever want learn if they really are correct, hmm?

(Quinn starts to nod, then catches herself.)

QUINN: Um, no. No-no-no. It's so I don't have to worry about my friends thinking I've turned into a brainy freak.

PHELPS: What was I thinking? Of course. For one who places such emphasis on her social status, that would be of tremendous concern.

QUINN: Um, right. Concern. (An uncomfortable look crosses her face. Phelps raises his brows questioningly.) But... y'know...

(Beat)

PHELPS: (gently prodding) Yes?

QUINN: Um... y'know, I didn't totally hate working on those math problems or anything... (sigh.) and being a freak is bad, but being a big baby is even worse. An' I don't want to feel that way, but it's how I will feel if I quit the team, especially if it's before I show... I could do better.

(Beat)

PHELPS: You really think you could improve, hmm?

QUINN: (subdued) I think so. (Bt) Yes.

PHELPS: But what about your friends?

(Beat)

QUINN: I'll just keep making sure they don't find out.

(For a moment or two, Quinn avoids looking at Phelps. But when she finally does, it's with an unusually shy expression, one that says she regrets having snapped at him earlier.)

PHELPS: (smirking knowingly) Say no more, Ms. Morgendorffer. Your spot on the mathletics squad is safe. And I'll be glad to help you achieve your goal, as I always have. 

QUINN: (shy) Thanks.

PHELPS: I know how you need me to keep you afloat.

(Beat)

QUINN: (flustered) Oh, I don't need your help... I can do math stuff on my own just fine. My dad can... 

PHELPS: Ah, but your father won't remind you to put aside your other activities, or that pointless busywork your other teachers assign you, to focus on what's really important. And he doesn't know all my tricks, does he? (smirk deepens, as does his trademark impenetrable gaze.)

QUINN: (after several conflicted expressions cross her face) No.

PHELPS: And we'll put those tricks to good use, won't we? Just like all of the other times.

QUINN: Yeah. 

PHELPS: You know something, Ms. Morgendorffer, you were right: we are two of a kind. We both are willing to do what we can to go that extra mile, whatever it takes to win. Just as long as we first put our eye on that finish line.

QUINN: (with more assurance than before) Yeah.

(Cut to shot of Daria, who's been lurking by a corner, eavesdropping on their conversation this whole time. She's frowning, not liking what she's heard.)

END OF ACT TWO 

[Shot of Stacy and Tiffany watching with horror as the hip hopsters come towards them, followed by shot of Phelps and DeMartino emerging from the Teacher's Lounge, followed by shot of Clarence fainting.]

You are now entering commercial HEAVEN. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa ... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

A guy plays music on a 7-UP can. That's it. At least it's better than Sprite's "Image is Nothing; Thirst is Everything," which proudly wears hypocrisy on its sleeve.

Another Jack in the Box commercial. I know I've mentioned these in a past Commercial Heaven, but dang it they're just so durn clever. I mean who'd've thought of taking a round head with a pointy cone hat and giving it a family life? The one I'm thinking of, in particular, has Jack and his wife visiting Jack's parents (Jack gets his looks from Dad, btw.). When Jack spurns Mom's request that he go 100 miles to the nearest Jack in the Box for breakfast, she cooly reminds him: "Did I ever mention how difficult your birth was?" I can just imagine.

An anti-smoking commercial that cleverly mocks those teen facial cleanser ads. Three friends try on a special tobacco, which is supposed to make their skin glow. Then one of them starts fanning herself. "Guys: it's really burning!" Then POOOF! she goes up in a cloud of smoke. The message then reads: Smoking Kills 1 Out of Every 3 People Who Get Hooked.

You are now leaving commercial HEAVEN. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear? 

CHARGE OF THE MATH BRIGADE

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Jodie's house, the beginning of a montage)

(Shot of the outside. Sounds of the phone ringing and a click suggesting it's been picked up.)

JODIE: (off screen VO) Hello?

(Cut to shot of Jodie sitting on the couch. Split screen to show her on the left, Quinn on the right.)

QUINN: (chipper) Hi Jodie, it's Quinn.

JODIE: Hey. (contrite) Look, Quinn, about the competition --

QUINN: Oh, don't worry about that. I've put it out of my mind. 

JODIE: Maybe so, but I still want to apologize for the way I acted toward you. Look, you did do a great job for a beginner, and if we don't support each other as teammates, then we might as well just give up now. I was a real snot and I'm sorry.

QUINN: Oh that's okay.

JODIE: And you...? (She pauses, waiting for Quinn show contrition for her own snotty behavior.)

QUINN: There's more? (Bt) Listen Jodie, I said it's okay; I forgive you.

JODIE: (can't resist rolling her eyes) Um, so you're back on the team? QUINN: Definitely. You need me to battle those Grove Hills freaks, don't you?

JODIE: (after pausing again at Quinn's suggestion they "need" her) Everyone needs to work together to defeat those jerks. (She reaches into her pocket and pulls out another slip of paper, bearing the same neat calligraphy. Jodie looks at it, shakes her head.) They've been really nasty this year. I don't remember them ever being this bad about any club in the past.

QUINN: So we'll work extra hard then -- meet every evening and on weekends, practice drills, overcome all our little weaknesses until -- 

JODIE: (stunned) You're really prepared to work that hard? (reluctant.) Quinn, with all of my responsibilities, I don't think --

QUINN: (smirking wickedly) Oh come on, Jodie: don't you wanna beat Grove Hills? Daria once said you, like, had a grudge against them, or something.

(Beat)

JODIE: All right, I'm in.

QUINN: Great.

(Cut to shot of Barry standing on top of a step ladder, placing the last stuffed bird in a glass display, which features other birds in a faux nature setting. The phone rings several times, until the answering machine picks it up.)

QUINN: (from the machine, sugary-sweet) Hi Barry! Say, do you remember that message you left promising to do anything I asked??

(Barry leaps off the stepladder and onto the ground, knocking it against the glass case in the process. All of the birds within shake, then most tumble off of their perches.)

BARRY: (before even reaching the phone) Yes! Yes, my love! Just say the word!

(Cut to shot of Jake sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper as usual. He suddenly drops it with surprise as Quinn walks up with a pile of text books and papers and dumps them in front of him.)

QUINN: (business-like) Okay, my math teacher helped me lay out a detailed plan of attack for this math stuff, so if we get started now we might cover it all before next Friday, the day of the competition, provided we don't do other stuff that takes too much time, like eat or sleep. Or at least provided you don't. (chuckles.) Now I think we should get started on terminology, I was having some trouble there...

(Jake stares at the pile of books, wearing an "Eap!" expression.) 

(Cut to shot of Quinn walking into her room later that evening. She stops to survey everything. The music from "Rocky" starts to play.) 

(She walks over to her aqua bureau [as seen in "Of Human Bonding"] which is covered with clothes and piles of Waif magazines. With one emphatic gesture, she sweeps the clothes off the top, then piles all of her Waifs together. Cut to close-up of her trunk. Quinn walks up to it, gives the Waifs one last loving look, and a kiss, then dumps them inside the trunk where they won't distract her. Cut to shot of Quinn back at the bureau. She lays her math book on its surface, looks at it with some trepidation, then slowly opens it.) (Shot of Quinn standing at the blackboard in Phelps's classroom, wearing gloves and a smock to avoid getting chalk dust on her, of course. She's gazing at the board intently, scribbling down formulas. Phelps keeps eyeing her and jotting things down on a sheet of paper.)

(Shot of the outside of the classroom a short time later. We see Daria walk slowly up to the door. But just as she reaches it, the door flies shut. Daria stands there, looking conflicted. She edges over to the door and makes a movement that suggests she's trying to eavesdrop. But quickly she straightens up, wearing a "I can't believe I'm doing this; this is stupid" expression. She shakes her head, walks away.) 

(Cut to shot of Quinn sitting at the table in Barry's house, pointing things out that she's scribbled on binder paper to the entire group. As she's focused on one of the problems, Barry slips an arm around her. Quinn gets an "EWWWWWW!" expression and shoves him away. Meanwhile, Squiggley has a hand over one eye and a whimpering expression. He slowly holds up a ruler, indicating another senseless act of violence at the hand of school supplies.)

(Cut to shot of Jake and Quinn working intensely at the table, Jake feeding Quinn questions as fast as he can, while Quinn works them out. From the living room, Helen watches with approval, Daria with wariness.)

(Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany standing by their lockers, watching with horror as more and more people dressed in hip hop fashions saunter past.)

(Cut to shot of Phelps's blackboard, almost every inch covered with formulas. Close-up reveals some of them: logarithms, each one more complicated than the last.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn about to take a shower, looking dragged-out after her day of work. Just then she jumps, as if hearing something loud. Cut to shot of the door as seen from the outside. Quinn runs out, looking perfectly done-up, down the stairs, to the front door where her date awaits.) 

(Cut to shot of Quinn dashing down the hall, past Stacy and Tiffany, who try to stop her. Pan over to show that she's being pursued by Squiggley and Clarence.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn and the other mathletes, this time at Jodie's house. Piles of books are everywhere, and everyone has collapsed except for Quinn, who continues to read her math book while wearing an energized, determined expression.)

(Cut to shot of her sitting at her newly-converted desk, also deeply absorbed in the math book. Cut to shot of her, some time later, checking her eyes for any new wrinkles.)

(Cut to shot of Phelps's chalkboard. Pan-over to show more problems. Pan downward to show Quinn crouched down, putting the finishing touches on an answer. With her final, triumphant stroke, the music ends.)

SCENE 2 (Lawndale High, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing by their lockers.)

DARIA: (sour expression) Then he told her he'd put his "tricks" to good use. 

JANE: So? "Tricks" don't have to be underhanded. Maybe they're just memory games or something.

DARIA: (reluctant) Could be. But the way he said it...

JANE: (smirking) You sure you're not over-reacting?

DARIA: No, I'm not sure. (groans.) But there's something about that guy I don't like.

JANE: Haven't we been on this page before? The man's exacting, priggish, and arrogant -- the personality cocktail designed to make people like Daria Morgendorffer vomit. (Bt) But a user? A dirty trickster? Hate to say it, amiga, but that's going out on a ledge.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Well then this thought will surely toss me into the void. (sighs.) Suppose Phelps, the one whom my family worships for braving the journey through Quinn's haze of shallowness... suppose he...

JANE: Yeah??

(Beat)

DARIA: (quieter) He's the only reason she's so good at math? When I think about it, I can't remember her being great at any subject, let alone one where the most trendy future consists of eyestrain and a good case of carpal tunnel.

JANE: You don't think she might have just found her calling?? (glances at Daria's lack of expression, shakes her head.) C'mon, do you honestly think Phelps could be so clever? He's an educator, for crying out loud.

DARIA: Maybe so, but he seems to be a snoot above every other instructor at Lawndale. I wouldn't put anything past him. (Bt) And consider how little we even know about this guy. Even if he is getting the perks DeMartino mentioned, I still don't see why he'd choose this hell over a cushy prep school.

JANE: (shrugging) 'Cause he's an altruist? A masochist?? Well one thing I'll say in his defense: he may be a stuffed shirt, but he's as big a stuffed shirt to the smart ones as to the idiots. He treats us all as equally stupid. Tom thought so, too.

DARIA: Tom?

JANE: He had Phelps. (Bt) Phelps taught at his prep school.

DARIA: Oh. (Pause. mulls this over.) But that doesn't explain why he's singled out Quinn.

JANE: (glancing carefully at Daria) Maybe she really is a genius and Phelps just happened to see it. Maybe the sinister element you're searching for isn't there.

(Beat) 

DARIA: Well there's one way to find out.

(She nods at Jane. Jane looks at her quizzically, then follows.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Phelps's classroom, after school)

(Shot of the exterior. The cut to the interior, which is empty except for Phelps, who is taking his afternoon tea. Just as he's accidentally spilled some biscuit on his front, Daria and Jane appear.)

DARIA: (deadpan) Careful. I hear it's murder trying to wash biscuit stains out of one's ascot.

PHELPS: (merely raising a dry brow at Daria) May I help you? Ms. Lane?

JANE: Um... well... (glares briefly at Daria for getting her into this.) I was thinking: y' know, I've been toeing the line between passing and failing for some time now, and I really could use some extra help with math if you're willing.

PHELPS: Hmmm... (somewhat absently.) I would like to, Ms. Lane, but my schedule is quite full, you see.

DARIA: (hushed) Yacht club demanding too much of your time?

PHELPS: (glancing at Daria, then at Jane) It's full. I'm sorry. But there is a tutoring group down the hallway if you need --

JANE: Or maybe what I need is some extra credit to boost my grade. Would you be willing to sign me up for the mathletics squad?

(Phelps smiles thinly.)

PHELPS: It's not so... I would, Ms. Lane, but the squad is full.

JANE: Couldn't I be an alternate? An alternate to an alternate??

PHELPS: I'm afraid --

DARIA: But she's really smart. She integrates a lot of math into her paintings.

JANE: Compared to me, Picasso's a finger-painter.

PHELPS: (straining to sound gentle) The mathletic season is too far along and besides, you're just not trained.

JANE: I could do it, I swear. I just need the chance to prove myself.

PHELPS: I'm afraid --

DARIA: You won't even give her one chance? (cocks an eyelid.) How do you know she doesn't possess some kind of hidden genius?

JANE: Yeah.

PHELPS: Perhaps she does, but as I've said before: it just isn't possible. I'm sorry. 

(long Pause. Daria and Jane eye each other.)

JANE: (to Phelps) Okay... Um, thanks.

(Cut to shot of the outside of the room, a short time later. Jane and Daria walk out.)

JANE: (bitter) Boy do I feel like an idiot. To think I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

DARIA: So he is a hypocrite. There's a shock. Now the question remains why he chose Quinn as --

(Suddenly Phelps pokes his head out the doorway.)

PHELPS: Daria Morgendorffer. I thought I recognized you.

(Daria freezes and turns around to face him.)

DARIA: That's one of my many aliases, yes.

PHELPS: You're Quinn Morgendorffer's sister, aren't you?

DARIA: Not if she has anything to say about it.

PHELPS: Ah, but you are. Aren't you?

(Daria expects him to say something more, but he disappears back into his classroom.)

SCENE 4 (Barry's house, evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the mathletes gathered around the table again. The three guys look frazzled and bewildered. Barry is writing frantically as Quinn paces the room, wearing a task-master expression. Clarence just sits there with a vacant expression, and Squiggley scratches his nose with a pencil. Jodie observes everything, looking worn-out.)

QUINN: All right, Barry, time's up. What's your answer?

BARRY: (a wee bit intimidated) Uhhh... ummm... it's X equals negative seven over --

QUINN: Oops! I'm afraid we've run out of time, Mr. Bukowski. Lawndale ten, other school eleven. We lose. And have a nice day!

BARRY: Aww! I've failed! I've failed again! (So tired out from the constant studying, his face crumples, and he starts banging his head against the table repeatedly. Clarence and Squiggley reach over to comfort him.)

QUINN: Guh-yyyyyyys! We've got to be better prepared! If the question-asking person wants us to say our answers, he's not gonna stand around and listen to a bunch of mumbling. Clarity is everything. (As the guys nod meekly, she strides past each of them.) So Barry, practice your delivery. You too, Clarence -- keep reading that anti-stuttering book I got you. And... (to Squiggley) you, stop rubbing your nose with that pencil; you could hurt yourself.

SQUIGGLEY: Huh? (As he says it, the pencil goes up his nose.)

QUINN: (cringing) Ewwww!

JODIE: (amused and annoyed) Quinn, I don't think the world's gonna end if we don't say our answers perfectly. This is just a math competition, not a T.V. quiz show.

QUINN: (shaking her head, a little patronizing) "Just a math competition." Maybe to you guys, but to me, it's so much more. (giggles.) Now if you'll excuse me: I'm feeling giddy and I need some air... (She flutters out of the room.)

BARRY: (when she's gone, weary) Even during her Reign of Terror, she's beautiful.

CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: (weary) Uh......huh...

(Jodie looks them over and shakes her head. She stands up and leaves the room to go talk to Quinn.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn standing in the hallway, admiring the glass case of birds Barry was working on in an earlier scene. Wearing a blissful smirk, she seems unaware of the fact that she is not outside, nor of the fact that the birds are dead. Jodie walks up behind her.)

JODIE: Quinn, there's something I have to get off my chest.

(Quinn flinches with surprise, then gets a contrite look on her face.)

QUINN: All right, all right, I know I've gotten carried away. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

JODIE: (sardonic smirk) I don't know about that. I've never seen anyone as hell-bent on success as you, and I've lived with Michele and Andrew Landon for seventeen years.

QUINN: It's not just the winning I'm thinking about anymore. (takes a deep breath.) It's... it's... (strains to articulate.) It's these number-thingys pulsing in my head, coming together with, like, this rhythm to form the perfect ensembles. It makes me feel sooooo good, like all energized and stuff.

JODIE: (surprised... as if she's never experienced this sensation before) Really?

QUINN: (like she can't quite believe it herself) Yeah. And, like, the more I work with numbers, the more I feel that way. I mean before this whole math brigade thing came up, I was working to please my dad and to keep from failing. The math problems were, like, those kinda dowdy girls who come up to you wanting make-over advice, and you've got this, like, gift for coordinating so why not help them, even if they're kind of a lost cause, so you don't get much satisfaction from it.

JODIE: (look of confusion crossing her face) Um, o-kay...

QUINN: But after we lost to Cumberland, and I started studying, it was like, just me and the math. Like being out on a date. Wait -- no... better than that. (gets a thoughtful frown and again tries to articulate what she's feeling.) It's like I'm out shopping with my dad's platinum at, like, the best department store in the world, and I wander through the displays, discovering styles that I didn't know were there, but finding that they all look really good on me. Not that anything doesn't. (chuckles.) An' the more I work with math problems, the more I feel that way. It's like I'm finding newer and better ways to shop.

JODIE: So you're really passionate about math, huh?

QUINN: (with realization) Yeah, I guess. And that's weird, 'cause I didn't think I could care about anything as much as I care about shopping.

(Beat)

JODIE: Wow, that's really great. (wistful.) Wish I felt that way about one of my activities.

QUINN: An' it's like, I wanna share this feeling with the world. But there's no way I could share it with my friends, and at home Daria's the "smart" one, an' I think she wants it to stay that way. (A dark frown briefly passes over her face.) So math competition's the only way to do it. But look, sorry if I've been running you and the geek trio into the ground. (chuckles.)

JODIE: Actually, the "geek trio" was what I wanted to talk to you about. (serious.) I realize Barry, Clarence, and Melvin are sort of strange --

QUINN: Sort of??? (She rolls her eyes and laughs hard.)

JODIE: And sometimes I get bugged by them, but their hearts are in the right place. They've been nothing but nice to you, and the least you could do is try to be a little nice to them.

QUINN: (resistant) Jodie, it's not that I'm some kind of mean witch, but this whole being on the mathletics squad thing is pushing me dangerously close to that ledge that separates popular people from the social rejects. So by mocking Barry, Clarence, and the third one, I'm reassuring myself that I'm me and not one of them. (She gets a satisfied look on her face.)

JODIE: Oh. I see. (groans and rolls her eyes.) How could I possibly argue with such thoroughly shallow logic? Well fine, do whatever you want.

(She spins around and heads toward the dining room. Quinn watches her with a mixture of irritation and contrition. She feels she's perfectly justified in her behavior, but she doesn't want any of her teammates mad at her.)

QUINN: Jodie -- wait. (rolls her eyes.) I will say one nice thing to them, all right??

(Beat)

JODIE: It'd be a start.

QUINN: But nothing that'll make 'em think I like them...

(Cut to shot of Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley in the dining room. Quinn and Jodie reenter, Quinn looking resigned. Jodie nods at her curtly, then turns to the group.)

JODIE: Guys, Quinn has something she wants to say to you.

(The guys look at her with expressions of exaggerated interest. Barry gets an "Oh please, oh PLEASE" look. Quinn shifts around with discomfort and takes a long time before saying: )

QUINN: You, um... don't, um, suck. For nerds, I mean.

(Jodie raises her brow wearily at her: "That's it?" But the guys look as though she's paid them the highest compliment ever.)

BARRY: Did you hear that?? I knew she liked me!

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) That's not what I meant --

BARRY: An' I was starting to wonder if I was doing the right thing, being nice to you while you were always acting so mean.

QUINN: (eyes widening) Huh??

CLARENCE: Y-yeah. (He makes an exaggerated face, with eyes widened, a scrunched-up nose, and mouth parted to suggest what Quinn looks like when she's disgusted with something.)

SQUIGGLEY: If you don't mind me sayin' so, or nothing, you seem like you hate everything. Kept thinking how sad it was... an' stuff. (He looks embarrassed, as though he expects Quinn to fly into a rage and start beating him over the head.)

(Jodie looks at them with an expression that's both stunned and impressed: she'd never thought they were that perceptive. She glances at Quinn. Quinn has gone quiet, and seems genuinely remorseful.)

BARRY: But now, we can celebrate our togetherness!

CLARENCE & SQUIGGLEY: Yeah!!!

BARRY: Let's go out! In honor of our last group night before we face Grove Hills! How 'bout it?? I know a great place for fried squid... (looks appealingly at Jodie and Quinn.)

JODIE: (for once, looking awkward) Uh... I don't know... I should be going... (Just then, she catches a triumphant smirk from Quinn: "Ha: you're just as afraid to be seen with them as I am." She turns back to Barry and smiles.) Sure, I'd love to.

BARRY: And you, Quinn??

QUINN: (hesitant) Um, is it on the outskirts of town? (Barry nods.) Far away from any cineplexes, malls, arcades, discotheques, comedy clubs, or liquor stores where they accept fake I.D.s?? (Barry hesitates, then nods.) (thought VO) And it is a school night. (sighs.) All right. I'll go.

BARRY/CLARENCE/SQUIGGLEY: Yeah!!!!!!!

(Fade-out. Fade-in to later shot of the five of them sitting in a dimly-lit corner of a seafood restaurant, with Quinn positioned as far away from Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley as possible. She picks at her food, but doesn't seem to be suffering too much. Just then, cut to shot of Sandi entering the restaurant on the arm of an unfamiliar young man. Cut to shot of Quinn. Catching a glimpse of Sandi before she's seen her, Quinn ducks under the table and hides. She waits until the coast is clear, then crawls on her hands and knees toward the nearest exit.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jake, Quinn, and Daria seated at the table. Daria has the paper unfolded before her, but is stealthily observing. Jake is drilling Quinn, using flash cards from a huge stack, and the frazzled expression on his face reveals he's been at it for quite some time. Quinn, meanwhile, works out the math problems on scraps of scented paper.)

JAKE: (holding a card, hand trembling) F-find all the values of X. Two cosine of X minus one equals zero... arctangent of Y multiplied by sin m-multiplied by twelve o'er thirteen...

QUINN: Da-aaad, come on: that doesn't make sense!

JAKE: I-I-I... (lips tremble.) I before E, except after C... now I know my A-B-Cs...

(Quinn rolls her eyes. "Dad's losing it.")

JAKE: (voice taking on a gruff tone) What's the matter, son??! Can't handle a few MATH problems??! Well no wonder you took home the gold medal for only one lousy STINKING year!!! (normal voice, angry.) Oh boy, it's ALL coming back to me now, dammit!!!

DARIA: (laying aside the paper, sardonic) I'll carry out the mission, soldier. You're free to take leave.

JAKE: (mumbling) Don't trust me to do this myself, huh?? He never trusted me... (Suddenly Jake's weariness gets the better of him, and he falls asleep with his head on the kitchen table.)

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Great, just great. (eyes Daria warily.) Okay, you can quiz me, then. But don't make any of your stupid comments.

DARIA: Moi? (picks up the stack of cards Jake was using and looks them over.) Hmm, pretty nice penmanship. Did your teacher make these for you?

QUINN: Mmm-hmm. Now come on, I have to practice my timing.

(Instead of reading the card aloud, Daria merely holds it up for Quinn to see. Quinn rolls here eyes and groans -- obviously Daria's going to be difficult. She reads the problem and starts scribbling away.)

DARIA: (realizing this is the chance to probe her a little) You've been spending a lot of time with this guy, haven't you?

QUINN: Yep.

DARIA: (slight smirk) And here I thought you couldn't stand him. So what changed?

QUINN: (concentrating) Mmm, dunno. Phelps is just real persuasive.

DARIA: In a good way, I presume?

QUINN: Yes. (slaps down her pencil, looks at Daria with suspicious eyes.) Look, where are you going with this?? If you're not gonna just shut up an' quiz me, then I'll take this upstairs to my room.

(Daria rolls her eyes, shows Quinn another card. Quinn emits another little angry groan and sets to work. Daria meanwhile, looks thoughtfully at one of the cards -- they're on the same level as the types of problems she works with in class, or maybe slightly more advanced. She flips one over on its backside, takes a pen, and scribbles a new formula, with a few more twists than the original. Prepares to show it to Quinn.)

DARIA: Hey, I'm merely commending your teacher for doing the impossible: getting you to push aside the Fashion Club and all of your other classes just to cram for a two-hour event. (Quinn scribbles, tries to ignore her.) Someone who's that good with math brains ought to be voted Teacher of the Year. Assuming there are other math brains he gives help to --

QUINN: DAR-EEE-UHH!!! (slams down her pencil, picks up a watch and glances at the time.) Would you SHUT UP?! I'm making lousy time!

DARIA: (without contrition) Oops.

QUINN: All teachers think their subject is the only one, all right?! Do you really believe Mr. O'Neill thinks of Ms. Barch's class when he gives you a stupid paper to do??

DARIA: Yes... and every other chance he can possibly get. 

QUINN: All right, bad example.

DARIA: Look, you have a point -- but how many teachers outright request that their students push aside everything else for the sake of their one subject? Isn't that ultimately to the student's detriment?

QUINN: The student's what? (angrier.) Geez, Daria, what do you care if Mr. Phelps is a little more driven than the other teachers?! He's not your teacher.

DARIA: You weren't so kind to him when you thought he was controlling you.

(Just as she's finished uttering these last words, Helen sweeps into the kitchen, armed with files.)

HELEN: (half-distracted, has only caught part of the conversation) Oh Daria, do we have to go through this again??

DARIA: Huh?

HELEN: Don't be jealous just because Quinn's teacher gives her more attention than your teachers do you. It doesn't mean you're any less intelligent.

[*] see "Of Absolute Value"

DARIA: I wasn't --

QUINN: (hurt expression) That's what this is about, isn't it?? Your stupid questions. You're trying to keep me from doing well!

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Of all the idiotic --

HELEN: Daria!

QUINN: Ah ha, you see?! She's been like this for over a week, Mother. First she tells me I'm not really good at math, that all of my success is just dumb luck. Then she tells me my math teacher's a big freak?!

HELEN: (to Daria) Did you really say those things?

DARIA: (defensive) Yes, but only because --

QUINN: (tremor in her voice) Mr. Phelps is the first teacher I've ever had who thought I was smart at something! You've been a brain your whole life; you don't know how that feels!

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um, no... (shakes her head.) But if you'd let me get a word in edgewise, I'd mention that I've wanted you to take school more seriously since you first got glasses. Why the hell would I try to undo that now?

QUINN: Because maybe all you really wanted was for me to suffer through all the loser nerd trials you've suffered through, just so you can go "Ha, ha, now you know what my life is like," an' feel all validated and stuff.

DARIA: (a little stunned by the lucidity of her comment) That's... just ridiculous.

QUINN: But you never wanted me to be as smart as you. (eyes narrow.) Or smarter.

(Pause. Helen looks at Daria questioningly, Quinn accusingly. Daria looks as though she wants to speak, but in the face of sudden, conflicting emotions that leave her with that odd expression we've seen her wear earlier, she can't think of a comeback that would clear her motives. She glances down at the tampered-with card, realizing she's losing the battle.)

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Your charges are completely groundless, but feel free to think what you want. You obviously will, anyway. 

QUINN: You wanna know what I think?? I think if you can't handle your brain territory being approached upon then you should just stop helping me!! And don't spy on me at the freakin' mathletic tournaments, either!!!

HELEN: (trying to calm her down) Quinn...

QUINN: JUST DON'T EVEN COME!!!!

(In a fit of melodramatic passion, she jumps up, pushes aside her chair, and storms out of the room. All of the racket causes Jake to stir.)

JAKE: (confused) Huh... what??

(He looks questioningly at Daria, as does Helen. Daria glances at the card with the tampered-with math problem and numbly tosses it onto the table.) (cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Lawndale High, day before the tournament)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Ms. Li reading a familiar calligraphic note, looking enraged.)

MS. LI: "... And our youngsters will mop the floor with yourrrrr mathletes, whose intelligence is as flimsy as your textbooks!!" (crumples the paper.) This is outrageous! To think I actually sent two of my best and brightest to that damn stuffed-shirt factory! Well neverrrrr again!

(She tosses the note into the garbage.)

MS. LI: I didn't even know we had a mathletics squad! But when Grove Hills comes on ourrr turf, I'll have the whole school out cheering for our side...

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Lawndale High, afternoon of the mathletic competition)

(Shot of the outside of the auditorium. Cut to shot of the inside, which is packed to the bursting point with students, many of whom are wearing some variety of the Lawndale colors or are waving flags. Cut to close-up of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: (faux enthusiasm) Whoo-hoo. Another field trip foisted on us by Ms. Li in a misguided attempt to promote school spirit. (yawns.) Well at least we don't have to leave town this time.

DARIA: (distant) Nope.

(Beat)

JANE: Now what's up? Are you still thinking about Phelps?

DARIA: Mmm-hmm. (groans.) Or rather, that maybe that I am just a wacko who's using this whole conspiracy theory to mask my bitter envy of Quinn's math talent. I can't deny I've been feeling something weird ever since her tryout.

JANE: Maybe you're a jealous wacko, but I'm not. I saw what happened. Phelps is a hypocrite, plain and simple.

DARIA: Maybe so. (Bt) And maybe he's a hypocrite because his hands are already too full with guiding a reluctant prodigy along, and he doesn't want to deal with another one.

JANE: Hmmm... (cocks an eyebrow in thought.)

DARIA: I'd go apologize, but Quinn would never exchange words with me in public.

JANE: You forget, my friend: the little prodigy is about to flash her goods in front of all her friends, rivals, and hangers-on. If she's already caught on to what's about to occur, than she's probably ten miles away by now.

(Daria thinks of this, and can't resist a wicked smirk.)

(Cut to shot of Quinn in one of the prep rooms backstage, eyes closed, concentrating deeply.)

QUINN: (muttering) What is two log X base ten times two X... She thinks she knows everything. Well I don't care... plus log base ten times three equals log base ten times six... I don't care, I never cared... stupid Daria!

BARRY: (off screen) You know Daria?

QUINN: (looking up at him) I wish I didn't.

BARRY: Me, too! She's a teaser an'-an' a liar! If I ever see her again, I'm gonna tell her off, you bet I will!

QUINN: (impressed) You would?? (Bt) Wow, that's, like, one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me! 

(Cut to shot of Jodie. She's just peaked out from behind the curtain and gotten a whiff of the growing crowd. Wearing a slightly stunned expression, she is about to head to Team Lawndale's table when she runs into Graham -- the snobby guy from "Gifted.")

GRAHAM: (smirking with superiority) Well if it isn't the girl who dared to call me "loser."

JODIE: (eyes narrowing, even tone) And if it isn't the guy who did so much to deserve that name.

GRAHAM: Hey! (angry at her quick-wittedness.) You may think you were smart, the way you chewed me out at that Grove Hills reception in front of my friends, but all that ends the moment we face off in the mathletics tournament!

JODIE: (smirking) Ooh. Should I be quivering with fear?

GRAHAM: (leaning closer) You laugh now, but just you wait. Our superior brain power's gonna blow your woefully-inadequate squad right off the stage!

JODIE: You sure it'll be your brain-power that's blowing?

GRAHAM: You... you... (for lack of better words.) Um, why don't you just shut up?!

(He storms away to join his teammates. Cut to shot of his teammates sitting at their table, including the other two girls seen in "Gifted," Lara and Cassidy.)

LARA: (snide) God, I hope we can just get out of here as soon as we win. This whole school is so banal: it's giving me hives.

CASSIDY: Yeah. Did you see the size of their reading facility? About half as large as the gym -- and it didn't even have a Classical Scrolls of Alexandria section or a built-in coffee bar!

LARA: You can just feel the mediocrity vibrating across the walls. I mean pink pastel? What were they thinking??

GRAHAM: (back in smirking form) And here the brains are forced to mix with the decorative types. Like her. (He points to Quinn, who has just emerged from the back room.)

(Cut to close-up of Quinn. She freezes upon overhearing these last words.)

CASSIDY: (off screen) That's if they even remain brains. Constant exposure to the common people has got to have some kind of diluting effect.

(Graham and Lara chuckle in agreement. Then Graham whistles to Quinn in an effort to get her attention. Quinn ignores him and storms away, toward the curtain.)

QUINN: (fuming) "Diluting"?! As in, like, exposure to me sucks up other people's brain power?! (Bt) Well I'll show them! Thank God no one attends these competitions because I'm gonna show a side of myself that my friends should not see for their own good! (Bt) Though come to think of it, for an empty auditorium, it's kinda loud... (She opens up the curtain and instantly goes pale.)

(Shot of the crowded auditorium from her POV. Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany sitting somewhere in the center, surrounded on all sides by people in hip hop fashions. In fact, almost everyone in the auditorium, except for the principal characters, is dressed in hip hop. Stacy and Tiffany glance around, utterly panicked.)

STACY: (hyperventilating mildly) Oh God... oh God...

TIFFANY: Just... don't... move. Maybe they won't notice us.

STACY: I wish Quinn was here! Why did her aunt have to have that stupid baby today, anyway?!

TIFFANY: What is wrong with that family?!

(Cut to shot of Kevin, Brittany, and the cheerleaders, sitting up front.)

ANGIE: Eww, nerds. How're we supposed to cheer for them?

NIKKI: Do we, like, wave a pom-pom if they get the multiplication tables correct?

BRITTANY: (shrugging) I guess so. (suddenly springs upward.) Gooooooooo chess club!!!

ANGIE: Uhh... Brittany?

LISA: Oh, like it matters.

(Cut to shot of Quinn. She drops the curtain and pulls back in absolute shock. Trembling, she starts walking off of the stage -- fast. She's just about down the stairs when she runs into Mr. Phelps, coming from the opposite direction.)

PHELPS: Ah, I hoped I'd see you before the tournament.

QUINN: (speedy) Yes, yes, the pencils are 2B and the tables are balanced. I gotta go get some air... (tries to brush past him.)

PHELPS: Wait just a minute. (holds up his hand to restrain her.) I also came to wish you good luck. (cocks a brow.) I've prepared you thoroughly. Now it's time you showed the world what you're really made of.

(Quinn nods, swallows hard.)

PHELPS: Are you nervous, Ms. Morgendorffer? (smirks.) That is the name that you'll be using this time 'round, isn't it?

QUINN: (nodding frantically) Um, right... nervous... yeah. (She then runs past him out the side door of the auditorium.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. Shot of the front of the stage, with the Examiner standing at a podium, between two tables. At one table are the five Grove Hills mathletes, sitting firmly upright with smug expressions on their faces. At the other is, of course, Lawndale. Jodie, Barry, Squiggley, and Clarence are anxiously craning their necks around, searching for any sign of Quinn.)

EXAMINER: ... and Weseley Vanderhorn will all be representing Grove Hills Academy! (As if on cue, a chorus of "booos" are heard around the auditorium. Cut to brief shot of Ms. Li in the audience, nodding her head with approval.) And to my right, we have Melvin Squiggley, Clarence Nickelson...

(Cut to close-up of Jodie. She leans toward Barry.)

JODIE: (whispering) She's not coming. We have to call in an alternate!

BARRY: No, no... let's give her more time! Maybe she's putting on her make-up.

JODIE: Then we'll be lucky if we see her at all over the next few days. (groans.) Come on Quinn... don't do this to us.

(Cut to shot of the bottom of the stairs. There, in the shadows, we see Quinn lurking. She seriously looks torn. She removes some prescription sunglasses from her bag and puts them on, toys frantically with her hair, trying to disguise herself well enough to fool her classmates.)

EXAMINER: (off screen) ... Jodie Landon, Barry Bukowski...

(Finally Quinn removes the sunglasses and wilts. She knows it won't do any good -- people recognized her in her disguise the last time. She glances uneasily at the stage, then closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She leans toward the door.) 

(Cut to shot of the Examiner. He looks at the last name on the card, then at the empty spot at Team Lawndale's table.)

EXAMINER: Well... it appears as though Gwen Morgan is a no-show. (to Team Lawndale) You'll have to forfeit unless you call in a replacement.

(The Lawndale mathletes eye each other, resigned. But before they can respond, we see Quinn bound on stage. She makes a beeline for the Examiner, trying not to look at the audience, and whispers something in his ear. You can pretty much guess the audience's reaction [even before I show it to you].)

(A chorus of gasps echoes throughout the room. Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany -- shocked. Cut to shot of Kevin, Brittany, and the cheerleaders -- shocked. Cut to shot of the 3 Js -- beyond shocked. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, looking vaguely pleased. Cut to shot of Sandi, sitting on the periphery. Her face is impassive, but she cocks a brow. Cut to shot of Phelps sitting just below Ms. Li. He nods, as if he knew this would happen all along.)

(Resume shot of Quinn. Face burning, she slides into her seat and lowers her eyes.)

EXAMINER: (announcing) Filling in for Gwen Morgan at first chair will be... Quinn Morgendorffer!

(As if to accentuate the significance of the occasion, the microphone squeaks when the man calls out Quinn's last name. Quinn continues to look at the table top and not talk to anyone. Just then, Jodie leans over and touches her arm.)

JODIE: (with some exasperation and amusement) You really know how to make an entrance. (When she sees this elicits little reaction from Quinn: ) Hey, whatever happens, you'll be fine. Good luck.

BARRY/CLARENCE/SQUIGGLEY: Yeah, good luck!

(Quinn can't resist a small, grateful smile. Cut to shot of Grove Hills, watching with smug amusement.)

GRAHAM: Oh man. They have got to be kidding? First chair to that girl?

LARA: She probably can't even count to ten without stopping to take a break.

(Quinn overhears them, of course. Sizzling indignation replaces embarrassment, at least for the time being. She turns her head toward Graham, who occupies Grove Hills's first chair, and smiles coyly. Graham can't resist being drawn in momentarily, before wrenching his eyes away to focus on his paper.)

EXAMINER: All right, we'll start with Logarithms. First question...

GRAHAM: (scowling, sotto voice as the Examiner reads the question) No way. No trophy chick like that is going to get the best of Graham T. Salinger the Third! There are two kinds of people in this world. Those of us with brains and talent to hold an edge over the lesser of our species, and those who were born to waste their lives away as complete dimwits. And she, without a doubt, is a --

QUINN: Done!

(Graham's pencil falls out of his hand, onto the desktop, as he looks at her in shock. A silence ensues, as the Examiner checks her answer.)

EXAMINER: Correct! One point for Lawndale.

(Scattered applause throughout the auditorium follows, particularly loud in the section where Li is sitting. On stage, Team Lawndale starts clapping loudly for Quinn. Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany, eyeing each other uneasily, not sure whether to clap or not. Cut to shot of Daria. She has that uneasy expression on her face again, but is nonetheless clapping slowly. Cut to shot of Quinn. She gets that steely, competitive look in her eyes again. As the Examiner reads off questions, a montage follows, accompanied by the music to "St. Elmo's Fire.")

EXAMINER: (off screen) ... Solve in terms of B. If two B minus three log base ten equals F...

(Shot of Quinn against Lara. Quinn lays her pencil down several seconds ahead of Lara, folds her arms confidently, and mouths the word "Done.")

(Shot of the chalkboard showing Lawndale up by five points.)

(Overhead shot of Quinn and Cassidy, frantically working out a problem.)

EXAMINER: (off screen) ... If X to the third power minus four X squared...

(Cut to shot of Team Lawndale, watching anxiously. Cut to shot of Phelps, who also appears to be watching intently. Resume shot of Quinn and Cassidy. Quinn looks as though she's about to shout "Done," but Cassidy beats her to the punch. Quinn gets a dispirited look on her face, and slides out of the first chair. As she heads down to the end of the table, her teammates clap for her effort. The Grove Hills side exchanges high-fives.)

(Cut to shot of Barry against Cassidy, sometime later. He puts up his hand to say "Done!" somehow causing his pencil to fly through the air in the process. It lands on Squiggley's pencil, causing it to fly up and hit him on the head. Squiggley looks stunned.)

(Cut to shot of the blackboard. It shows Lawndale with the lead, though narrower.)

(Cut to shot of Barry against another Grove Hills mathlete. The Grove Hills guy beats him to the punch.)

(Cut to shot of Jodie against the same mathlete. She beats him.)

(Cut to shot of the audience. Many appear to be dozing, but others have tense looks on their faces. We see Brittany in front, unconsciously waving a pom-pom.) 

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot a short time later of all of the mathletes gathered together in the group round. Cut to close-up of Team Lawndale. They're scribbling down formula's their papers, and by the body movements, it looks as though Quinn is one of the ones leading the way. Seconds later, all five mathletes raise their hand to show they've got the answer.)

(Cut to shot of Daria, watching, still wearing the uneasy look on her face. She claps, then, just by chance happens to glance off to the side. Cut to shot of Phelps's side profile from her POV. Daria's a distance away, so he looks slightly blurry, but we can see him moving his lips wordlessly.)

EXAMINER: (off screen) Find all the values of X between...

(Pause)

QUINN: (off screen) Done!

(Phelps smirks. Cut to shot of Daria, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. Cut to shot of Phelps from her POV again. He again mouths wordlessly, just before the Examiner reads the question. After a pause:)

QUINN & BARRY: (off screen) Done!

(Cut to shot of Daria. She's frowning even harder now. She pulls her eyes away, toward the stage, for a few moments. As Daria's preoccupied by what's happening on stage, cut to shot of Phelps. At one point, he reaches into his pocket and removes a pen with a calligraphy tip. He scribbles something down on a scrap of paper, then slides the pen back in.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to show the score tied up, and one question left [of course]. Cut to shot of the audience. There are still many people dozing, but even more people now look tense, and there are several muted cheers heard around the auditorium. Cut to shot of the mathletes, intensely at work on a very difficult problem. Pan over each of their faces, focusing, in particular, on Quinn's and the Grove Hills' students. After a few tense moments: )

TEAMS LAWNDALE & GROVE HILLS: Done!!!

(A gasp throughout the audience, and several more tense moments as the Examiner walks with torturous speed to check the answers from both sides. After several more tense seconds:)

EXAMINER: Lawndale is correct! Grove Hills is wrong! Lawndale wins!

(Several of the tense people now release suppressed cheers. Smatterings of applause are heard throughout the room -- not as much as one might hear at a football rally, or something, but enough to show that a great many people were not indifferent to the mathletes' efforts. Jane wakes up from her nap, starts clapping. Daria, meanwhile, glances over in Phelps's direction again. Li has turned around to face him.)

MS. LI: I must sayyy, Mr. Phelps, this is very impressive. Who'd've thought mathletics could actually be... entertaining?? Keep up the good winning -- I mean work!

PHELPS: (smirking) I certainly intend to.

(Resume shot of Daria, looking annoyed. Cut to shot of the stage. On the Grove Hills side, Graham is crying, his head buried in his arms on the table.)

GRAHAM: (to his teammates) (sniff, sniff) Don't LOOK at meee!!

(Meanwhile, the Lawndale side is congratulating each other. Quinn hangs back a little, but she seems, at least for the time being, as grateful toward her teammates for all of their effort as they are to her. But as the adrenaline wears off, her fears return. Quinn looks off screen, and wilts a little. Cut to shot of the audience from her POV: the 3 Js are nowhere to be found, and Stacy and Tiffany still sit there awkwardly. Resume shot of Quinn. She gets a bleak look on her face, and doesn't even notice when Barry, Clarence, and Squiggley make a clumsy effort to carry her off the stage in victory.) 

(fade-out. fade-in to: ) 

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, that evening)

(Shot of the outside.)

QUINN: (to Stacy, mustering a cheery tone) You don't think too many people are made at me, do you?

(Cut to shot of Quinn lying on her bed, cordless phone to her ear, the door to her room partially open.)

STACY: (from the receiver) I don't know.

QUINN: (quickly) I mean Joey, Jeffy and the third one called me, like, an hour after I got home and I arranged dates with all three. Brittany said she wasn't mad, in fact she thought it was kinda neat, and so did Angie and Lisa, who've always admired me, even before I was their head cheerleader. Maybe Tori and Brooke hate me, but I don't really like them too well anyway, so I don't care. And Sandi hasn't said anything. 

STACY: (neutral-toned) That's good.

QUINN: (brow creasing with worry) But just the same, I was really concerned about what you and Tiffany might think about me being on the math squad, so don't you see why I said those things about the bone marrow transplant and stuff?

STACY: Um... yeah. I see.

QUINN: (most appealing tone) But I have been neglecting you, so what say tomorrow we go shopping for summer evening wear?

(Beat)

STACY: Sure. (Bt) If you're not too busy.

QUINN: Geek brigade is practically over, Stacy. And then things'll be back to normal, right?? (uneasy laugh, waits for a reply.)

(Cut to shot of Daria, standing outside the door, having heard this last bit.)

DARIA: I'm afraid not even you know the answer to that one.

THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

[I'm going to try and make this shorter than usual, since I include a snippet of "The Age of Cynicism" at the end. Wish me luck: I'll need it.]

The minority of DWU fans who've confessed to hating Quinn as much as they love my writing will be thrilled to know that this is my last Quinn's-self-discovery fanfic. Heh, it's not because I've "seen the light," as some of you might hope -- far from it. It's because by DWU #16, Quinn has come full circle. 

In "Rose-Colored Lenses" and "Cheered Down," she saw some value in studying, but not enough to convince her that it was worth sacrificing her popularity. Things started to change in "Of Absolute Value," when Quinn actually did sacrifice her big moment in the sun to study for a make-up math exam. But one gets the feeling her motives were tailored toward making Jake happy rather than because she felt any burning passion for her subject. In "Erin the Head," it's briefly shown that Quinn did not totally hate having to work with Mr. Phelps after school. And by "Charge of the Math Brigade," Quinn has learned to love math.

Yet ironically, this is not a completely positive thing. ; > Now we're left with the following questions: 

Is Quinn really as smart as Phelps has suggested in previous fics? 

What is Phelps up to? Is he a force of good or evil? (And don't just assume you know based on the clues I've presented in this fic; I always try to surprise people. ; >)

Is Daria properly concerned, or is a bit of sibling jealousy at work within her?

Would Quinn's total plunge into math, at the expense of everything else, be a positive thing?

These questions will matter a little or a lot to you, depending upon how much you give a damn about Quinn as a character. And I'd like to take this moment to clarify my feelings toward Quinn. Yes, she is one of my favorite characters, and I take great interest in her development. But that does not mean I overlook her character flaws. She can be beat-your-head-against-the-wall shallow, as in "Psycho Therapy" (which I'll get to in a minute). She can be incredibly thoughtless. I would like to see her get some punishment or show some remorse for having called Daria her cousin these past four seasons. Sometimes I want to shake her when she commits a mental lapse, the way she did when she gave away the bail money in "Speedtrapped." (And during those times, I want to shake the writers, too, since they can't seem to make up their minds whether Quinn is totally shallow or marginally compassionate, street smart or an airhead, gutsy and competitive or a jellyfish.)

But I see Quinn as someone with potential. And I suspect the writers don't intend to keep her one-dimensional, especially taking into account that Season Four seems to carry a theme of "re-examining your identity," as was the case with Daria in "Partner's Complaint," Jane in "The 'F' Word," and Helen in "Psycho Therapy." Quinn may yet show a glimmer of depth, the likes of which we haven't seen since "Monster," in "Groped By An Angel." I'm not going to assume anything; I'm keeping my fingers crossed. (I voiced similar thoughts about "Speedtrapped" when it aired, and I don't even want to think about what went wrong there. Not right now. ; >)

On top of having potential, I see Quinn as inherently more troubled than Daria. While all signs suggest that Daria is fairly grounded, one cannot say the same for Quinn. That's why, I think, there are so many fanfics that have her getting raped or taking on a completely new identity; her life is one big question mark. Thus, I feel as though Quinn, as a character, needs more love and attention so that she can be set right. Many fans refuse to let go of their scorn of her, so I like to pick up the slack. Kind of like a mother who loves her kid unconditionally, but is not blind to her problems. I mean someone has to pay attention to that girl, because her parents certainly don't. Quinn may get plenty of material goods, but compared to Daria, she's rarely asked about her day, or about what she's feeling, or if she needs to talk. Part of the problem might be her stand-offish, I'm-in-control demeanor, the kind that keeps Quinn from wanting to be touched in any meaningful way. But how the hell did she get that way if not because of her parents? Whatever made them pay so much attention to Daria has certainly not worked in Quinn's favor. I've long suspected it, but Helen's "I don't even want to think" line from "Psycho Therapy" blew the lid off the popular notion that Daria is the neglected one in the Morgendorffer family. I would like to read Helen's line as a sign that she's woken up to the fact that Quinn needs help; but I'm afraid it could also be a sign that she's given up on her. 

Help is what Quinn needs if she's ever going to amount to anything. And in order for Quinn to reach the level where she's at in my continuum, several significant things would have to happen. She'd have to learn that she could have a life beyond popularity (something which was instigated by her getting glasses). Her parents would have to get more involved in her education (as in "Of Absolute Value"). And Quinn would have to find a teacher or friend or sibling who "believed" in her. But until that happens, Quinn will probably never see the light, which would be a shame. Even if it's revealed on the show that she's not as smart as Daria, she's definitely not a lost cause. 

Moving on to mathletics: why mathletics? I'm not sure. ; > I figured the mathletics squad would be the perfect vehicle for accelerating the trends (no pun intended) we've seen up 'til now. Quinn's growing irritation with her Fashion Club minions; her fear of losing popularity; her struggle to not only accept math, but to like it. Plus, it also reveals a delicious bit of irony:

(From "Cheered Down":)

DARIA: Quinn, there're lots of things you could do.

QUINN: But nothing that's as good! What -- join the math brigade or the French club or... taxidermy?? (shudders.)

Ohhh how things change.

That said, I'll confess that like any good author, I've made up and embellished a lot about mathletics. Thank Mike Quinn for that which is accurate (see Acknowledgements). Also, thank "Freaks and Geeks" (THE coolest show aside from "Daria"!!!) for providing the info. about first chair and the petty bickering of mathletes. ; > 

Now on to Points of Interest...

Quinn in "Psycho Therapy": Aside from Helen's remark, I wanted to pause on Quinn's show of compassion... or lack of it. Yes, I was annoyed by the lack of sympathy our little niblet showed for Helen after she was practically moved to tears by the role play scene. I have no explanation, other than that Quinn was intended for comic relief in that episode. Bu-ut, as I pointed out on the ODMB, Quinn did show marginal concern when Daria ate sugar tarts and chocolate cake for breakfast. That has to count for something. 

Or maybe she just didn't want to be sisters with a blimp...

Bringin' Up Barry: I've been wanting to bring Barry back in a significant way since "'Shipped Out." I figured there was no better fic than one in which several characters of my own creation appeared. ; > Why did I choose him, Squiggley, and Clarence over other nerds that actually had appeared on "Daria"? Lessee... because it's already been proven that Artie is not a student at Lawndale (and somehow I suspect he's no student, period). And Ted wouldn't work because Quinn said that he was sort of popular in "The New Kid," so it's unlikely she'd find him all that repulsive if they worked together on the mathletics squad. Plus, with the exception of Barry, I needed nerds whose personalities weren't so flashy that they demanded lots of screen time and would distract from the Phelps intrigue. In essence, Clarence and Squiggley are Tiffany and Stacy to Barry's Sandi or Quinn.

Tom reference: I just happened to mention in "Of Absolute Value" that Mr. Phelps had transferred to Lawndale High from a prep school. And Daria just happened to mention that Tom went to a "preparatory academy" in "Partner's Complaint." One day a light bulb lit up in my head, and I thought, "Why not connect the two somehow?" So Jane's reference to Tom having had Phelps will become significant in future fics.

Where's Sandi?: In case you thought that after "Primarily Color" she would be cozy with the Fashion Club once more, you ought to know me better than that. ; > What she's up to will be addressed not too far down the road, probably in DWU #20.

A brief THE MYSTERIES OF, having to do with the name on my e-mail address (see below)...

Many have asked me why I chose "scar" as my nick. Wellll, long story. See, I got the e-mail account when I first started U.C. Berkeley in 1995, back when the Internet was still sort of new, strange terrain. I was told it was the territory of single male antisocial computer geeks who would easily harass you if they knew you were female. "Ha, I know how I can fool them!" I thought. So I choose an aggressive, masculine name: scar. Of course, someone would later point out to me that one need only do a name check to figure out that I am a girl, but I didn't know that then, so oh well. 

Anyway, it doesn't matter now...

ANNOUNCING MY NEW E-MAIL ADDRESS!!! Due to the fact that I'm no longer a Berkeley student, I have to retire my scar@uclink4 address at some point in time. So as of JULY 10th, my new address will be:

wild_kl@hotmail.com

At least until I find something better. I'll keep my other account just in case something happens, but it is no longer my main account. Good-bye scar! I'll miss you! 

Acknowledgements

I want to thank Mike Quinn, former mathlete extraordinaire, for being my consultant on this fic... even if I ended up fictionalizing quite a lot anyway. ; > The math problems he sent prevented me from making up a bunch of mumbo-jumbo when I needed formulas. And also special thanks to Canadibrit, who braved reading the rough rough version of this fic (on binder paper, literally) when we met in London, and for giving me a good suggestion or two. And thanks to Chad Page for being such a good live audience, allowing me to realize that yes! the nerds were funny enough. Phew

NOW Here's Something New

Okay, here's the most presentable portion of the yet-unfinished DWU #15. Yes I have written more than what I'm presenting here; but that stuff might yet be cut or changed. And please don't think of this as a SEQUEL or a PREQUEL to anything. It borrows from one or two sources, and gently (and I mean gently) pokes fun at other sources, but I aim for this to be original... or at least as original as a fic in the flashback genre can possibly be. ; > I delayed putting it out because it was a complicated sucker, not just because of the history, but because I wanted to realistically portray Helen and Jake's relationship with Helen's parents, which isn't easy, considering they haven't shown up yet. Also #15 is pretty stand-alone, and after such a gap in DWU's, due mostly to "Abruptly Amy (The Spinoff That Never Was)," I wanted to do a fic that would move the continuum along. Anyway, without further ado...

THE AGE OF CYNICISM -- by Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a Sunday)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria lounging on her bed in her room, the cordless phone pressed against her ear. She wears her usual deadpan expression.)

DARIA: So I guess that means Aunt Amy's not my natural-born mother after all.

JANE: (from the receiver) And that you weren't the product of a torrid love affair between Helen and a man who obviously wasn't Jake.

DARIA: Damn normal life.

(Cut to split screen, Jane on the left, Daria on the right. Daria cocks an eyelid wearily.)

JANE: You mean to tell me this is how your parents have forced you to spend Sunday? Reliving priceless childhood memories which you couldn't possibly relive because you weren't alive yet to have such memories??

DARIA: Even more frightening: this was one of their better uses of quality time. (makes a face.) It only gets worse from there...

(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to an earlier scene of the four Morgendorffers sitting around the kitchen table, shortly after breakfast. Jake and Daria read the paper; Quinn flips through an issue of Waif. Helen, of course, has the cordless phone welded to her ear and is listening intently to the speaker on the other end.) 

HELEN: Mmm-hmmm... mmm-hmmm... (crooning) Oh we're so happy for you. This is just wonderful news! (laughs a wee bit uneasily.) And twins... are you sure? (Pause) Oh, how... wonderful!

(Daria lowers the paper ever so slightly, wearing a skeptical expression. The forced nature of her mom's enthusiasm has not escaped her.)

HELEN: Well we'll give you all the support you need over these coming months. (Pause) All right... all right. Now you take care of yourself. Bye. (hangs up the phone.)

JAKE: Wow, Eric's having twins? (raises a thumb.) Way to go, big man!

HELEN: Eric?? Don't be silly, Jake: Eric's not married. (She laughs a little too hard at this one.)

DARIA: Your point being?

HELEN: That was Erin. Our niece. (forehead creases with concern.) She's pregnant.

DARIA/JAKE/QUINN: (frowning, recalling the events in "Erin the Head") Mmmmmmmmm... 

QUINN: Eww! You mean she's gonna be all bloated for nine months?!

DARIA: And that's the part she'll remember most fondly. 

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) Honestly, Daria.

DARIA: After a daily dose of shrieking and nights of insomnia drive her into the mental institution.

HELEN: (firmly) Erin will be a wonderful mother. I'm sure of it. 

JAKE: Yeah, kiddo! And ol' Brian'll learn how to be a great dad!

DARIA: And just what is your basis of comparison? 

JAKE: Well hey: we figured out how to raise you, didn't we? (Daria regards him with a deadpan expression.) Didn't we??

HELEN: Of course we did. (looks at Jake and giggles a little, then glances at Daria with a distinctly maternal expression.) Oh God, Jake, do you remember what we went through the months before we had Daria? The high hopes, the anxiety --?

JAKE: The want ads, the empty bank account... (chuckles, then glances at Daria with the same expression as Helen.)

(Cut to close-up of Daria, armed with a wary expression.)

DARIA: (off screen VO from the present) The looks. The minute I saw them, I knew I was trapped. Unless...

(Pan over to close-up of an irritated Quinn, her arms folded.)

QUINN: We're not gonna sit here an' talk about Daria are we?? Gaaawd! Why does everything have to be about her?! Why can't we talk about my upcoming birth??

(Cut to close-up of Helen. Her eyes trail away thoughtfully as wavy lines appear, indicating another flashback. When they disperse, we see her several years younger, seated on an examining table. A doctor stands beside her.)

DOCTOR: Well, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it looks as though another one's on the way.

HELEN: (clearly panicked) A second child?! But I just had the first one! This can't be true -- it's going to completely ruin my five-year plan!

(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to Helen of the present. She laughs uneasily.)

HELEN: (to Quinn) Oh-ho, sweetie: we'll have plenty of time for that. But for now...

DARIA: (thought VO) Damn.

(Wavy fade-out into flashback once again. Fade-in to shot of a rusty brown Chevrolet station wagon, obviously dating back to the early-70's, obviously second-hand. A "Carter/Mondale 1980" sticker is spread across the bumper. As it continues to travel down a road, cut to the inside. There we see Helen and Jake as they looked in late summer, 1980. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake's hair has been tamed down from its '70's fro. As Jake drives, he whistles to John Lennon's "Imagine," which plays on the radio. Helen looks as though she has just sucked poison.)

HELEN: (insincere) Who'd have thought that Keenak and Seren-- I mean, Calvin and Vanessa -- could have such an adorable child??

JAKE: Yeah, I'll say. (chuckles, imitates a baby's speech.) Hi-hi, Unkoo Jakie. I wuvoo. Pull ma finger.

HELEN: It's just such a shame that his parents have... you know.

JAKE: Sure do. (Bt) What?

HELEN: Sold out. (sighs heavily.) After five short years, they've become pawns of the Establishment. Mortgaged, credit card debts -

JAKE: (getting angry) Damn Calvin and his neat-o Japanese car! (He pounds the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.)

HELEN: (sighing) Just what sort of legacy will they be passing on to their kid?? At least you and I can take pride in our lifestyle.

(As she says this, the station wagon pulls up in front of a brown stucco apartment complex. It looks in desperate need of renovation, from the sagging roof to the gravel "driveway" in front. Helen and Jake climb out.)

HELEN: (determined) We're the same people we always were. Our principles haven't changed since our Middleton days, have they?

JAKE: (to himself) Wonder if old Cal'll know how I could swing a car like his...?

(Cut to a later shot of Helen and Jake in what appears to be a combined kitchen and living room. The walls are covered in peeling wallpaper that is an absolutely putrid shade of yellow, while the carpet is brown shag. Only from the Seventies. We see Helen pacing around with the phone to her ear, dragging a super-long extension cord. Jake, meanwhile, has been lounging on the frayed avocado green couch, reading the newspaper. Helen now stops and lays the phone back on its hook. She walks over to the couch and leans over it to look at her husband.)

JAKE: (reading an article) Music television?? Like that'll ever catch on!

HELEN: (reflective) Jake... (motions to him to lay the paper aside.) I was thinking: what if we had a child?

JAKE: Hey, that'd be neat, honey! But there's no way that would happen.

HELEN: Why not?

JAKE: Because don't you remember what you said? That we couldn't have kids until I found myself a job and your career took off?? 

HELEN: Oh, well yes, but...

JAKE: I'm still looking for work, and your career's nowhere near where you want it to be.

(Helen gets a look of irritation on her face.)

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake still later, lying in bed. The sounds around them indicate that their walls are paper-thin and that their neighbors have strange habits. Crashing noises can be heard from one corner, accompanied by shouts of anger. From above, we hear an old stranger singing wobbly, and off-key, "I Wanna Rock With You" by Michael Jackson.)

JAKE: Heyyy, the Singing Man finally chose something current! (thumbs up.)

HELEN: (trying to ignore it) Uh-huh. (leans closer to Jake, touches his hand.) Jake? About what I said...

JAKE: Hmm?

HELEN: About us waiting to have children until after we'd met our career goals? (Bt) Well... goals can change.

JAKE: What d' you mean?

(Beat)

HELEN: (straining to find the right words) Well... when you see that a greater good could be met... you, well you realize that your own personal goals don't matter qu-

JAKE: What are you trying to say, Helen??

HELEN: I want to have a baby.

(Beat)

JAKE: Ah.

HELEN: (insistent) I think we could be good parents, Jake. We'd do better at instilling our child with core principles than Calvin and Vanessa.

JAKE: Yeah. I could teach our kid a thing or two about the ol' game of baseball...

HELEN: To stand proud, be independent-minded, not give in to the Man.

JAKE: And basketball, and how to shave and how to ask a girl out...

HELEN: To carry on the Revolution. When you think about it, it's almost a sin for us not to have a child.

JAKE: Unlike some fathers who never EVER taught their sons ANY of those things!

HELEN: So what do you say?

JAKE: (taking her by the hands) Let's DO it!!!

(Helen leans closer, and she and Jake start making out. The Singing Man's chopped-up rendition of "I Wanna Rock With You" gives way to the actual song. The screen fades to black.)

JANE: (off screen VO from the present) Soooo... if I understand correctly, your parents decided to have kids because their friends were having kids?

DARIA: (off screen VO from the present) That's the gist of it, yeah.

[This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright July 2000. All rights reserved.] 


	17. An Uneasy Marriage

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is [or should be] the seventeenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe and my nineteenth overall. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," "Erin the Head," "Primarily Color," "The Age of Cynicism," and "Charge of the Math Brigade." 

Let me say that this fic was conceived, from start to finish, long before the Season Four finale, "Dye! Dye! My Darling," so any resemblance between the two is purely coincidental. However, I couldn't resist making a few pointed allusions to DDMD, as you'll see. ; >

Also, it's important that you know that this fanfic, as well as the next few DWUs -- if not the rest of the series -- occur as though "Fire!", "Dye! Dye! My Darling," and "Is It Fall Yet?" have not yet taken place. I will go into my reasons in detail in the postscript.

I would give this one a 3S...

Yes, gut-wrenching relationship episodes require a lot of space! Well actually, I think my fics are somehow expanding at an astronomical rate and I'm powerless to stop them. Eh shrug That said.......... Enjoy!!

Ten Spot Promo: A guy lies sprawled across the bed, his feet in the foreground, which a clock on screen counts to ten. That's it. Thrilling, eh?

[intro theme music...................]

AN UNEASY MARRIAGE byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Supermarket, weekday evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jake standing in front of a freezer with his shopping cart in front of him. He's staring at two nearly identical packages and frowning. In the cart, we see several of the same packages piled up, along with an assortment of feminine products.)

JAKE: (to himself) Lasagna with fifty percent less fat, or lasagna with fifty percent less cheese? Hmmmm... it's so tough to decide. (Suddenly, from off screen, we hear a loud crashing sound.) Eap!

(He accidently swats both boxes into the cart. Just then, a can rolls up against his heel. When Jake takes a step to turn around, he trips over the can and falls against the freezer doors. He slides to the ground and grabs the can in a rage.)

JAKE: (shaking it) Goddamn lousy creamed corn!! Just for that, you're going over my peas tonight!! (tosses the can at the cart. The can misses and flies off screen, which causes Jake to get a depressed look on his face.) Lousy goddamn life...

VOICE: (loud and angry, from off screen) STUPID lousy can PYRAMIDS!! Why do they always have to be built like DEATH TRAPS?!!

(Cut to shot of Mr. DeMartino standing over a crumpled pile of cans, shaking a fist menacingly. In his shopping cart, we see a lone can of tuna fish and a box of corn meal.)

DeMARTINO: (gritting his teeth) "Three cans for a dollar" TEMPTING me to buy, knowing that I make minimum wage as a SLAVE to the lousy school system, all along KNOWING that I was gonna make them fall over an' look like an IDIOT!!

(An employee, whom we recognize as the ever-paranoid Artie from assorted "Daria" episodes, rushes over to the disaster scene.)

ARTIE: (squeaky voice) Hey Mister, you'd better, like, clean this mess up or else my manager, he'll, like, get really mad at you an' maybe take it out on me 'cause I have this weird tendency to get fired from stuff. So --

DeMARTINO: GrrrrRRRRRRRR! (His left eye bulges to greater proportions than usual.)

ARTIE: AGH! You're one of them! (cowers, stumbles away.) One of those horrific ALIENS! They've found me, oh God they've found me! (runs away off screen.)

DeMARTINO: (growling to himself) Great, so I've gone from being a disgruntled PATRON to a goddamn ALIEN! The PERFECT end to a perfect DAY!

(Just then Jake rolls his cart on screen.)

JAKE: Hey, you're my kids' teacher, right?? Mr. D... (struggles to think.)

DeMARTINO: (resisting his overtures) Oh that's all right, Mr. Morgendorffer -- my name's not important enough to remember. Never MIND that you and I have had our share of booze-clouded converSATIONS over at McGrundy's pub.

JAKE: Oh yeah! That's why I couldn't pin you down at first. (squints.) You look kind of different under a brighter light...

DeMARTINO: I would love to stay and discuss the minutiae of my APPEARANCE, but as you can see, I have shopping to do. So why don't you take your Always With WINGS to the cash register and --

JAKE: Hey! They're not mine, they're Qui-- um! I mean, you sure you don't need any help? If you don't mind my saying so, you seem kind of upset. (receives a "Well duh" glare from DeMartino.) Don't give yourself a heart attack, old buddy! (leans forward to pat DeMartino on the arm, but is discouraged by the look on his face.)

DeMARTINO: (nonetheless, slightly mollified) Thank you for your LESS than total unconcern for my welfare, Mr. Morgendorffer, but I'm fine.

JAKE: Um, okay. (waves, turns away to go.)

(Pause)

DeMARTINO: (in a low grumble) How would you like it if everything you'd worked so damned hard for was threatening to shatter into itty bitty pieces??

JAKE: Huh? (turns back around to face him.)

DeMARTINO: I've been a teacher at that crummy school for more years than I want to THINK about. The only reason I'm still there is because all of the other schools in the area are so much WORSE, and because I've squandered my LIFE for too long to find another job.

JAKE: Man, that stinks.

DeMARTINO: I'd kept my SANITY just long enough to get seniority, and something that almost resembled respect, when along came some snotty, pampered ex-PREP school teacher to take the spotlight away. The principal ADORES him, gives him every privilege beFITting a teacher, and sometimes more. And if I don't watch out, HE'LL soon be calling the shots at that school, an' I'LL be out on the street. You know what I mean?!

JAKE: YEAH!

DeMARTINO: (not anticipating such an enthusiastic response) You DO??

JAKE: That reminds me of what I'm going through right now. (His face reddens as he goes off on his own resentful rant.) Man, I've got some big shot trying to move in on my wife, Helen. (Bt) Okay, I don't have any proof, but all of the circumstantial evidence points to it! It's all I can think about lately, and I keep wondering what I should do. Maybe...

DeMARTINO: (muttering while Jake continues to speak) So it appears you see MY problems as just an opening to discuss YOUR problems. What a tremendous SHOCK. (He starts to leave, but his curiosity over Jake's situation, and his desperate need to talk about it, gets the better of him.)

JAKE: (missing his sarcasm) See, my wife and I had a big fight a while back. We separated for a couple of days, but when we made up, we vowed things would be different between us. And I'd like to think we were closer than ever...

[*] see "None in the Family"

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Jake and Helen seated on opposite ends of the center couch, Helen going through papers and Jake snoozing, with the paper half-covering his face.)

JAKE: (VO from the present) Helen promised to be less controlling and more open to me having more responsibility in our house. So over the past several months, I've been helping my kid with math.

(Cut to shot of Jake sitting at the table with Quinn, holding a math book, while Quinn scribbles away furiously.)

DeMARTINO: (VO from the present) Grrr... math. Don't... mention... math to me...

JAKE: (VO) I've felt rewarded in a way that I didn't think was possible. I can't thank Helen enough for trusting me with this opportunity.

DeMARTINO: (VO, sarcastic) How very NOBLE of her. Maybe someday she'll trust you to pay the bills as well.

JAKE: (VO) No. (Bt) I still can't do that without her looking over my shoulder...

(We then see Helen walk across screen in the foreground, sorting through bills. As Jake watches her go, his face gets progressively irritated.)

JAKE: (VO) ... Or... most other projects. (Bt) But still, we were doing pretty well, so I thought. (more ominous.) Until last Saturday afternoon...

(Shot of Jake walking around the side of the house, towards the sliding glass door. He's holding a hose that's still running, having just finished doing some gardening. As he starts to open the door, we hear the muted sounds of Daria and Helen talking.)

DARIA: (off screen) ... So sculpting instructors make house calls.

(Jake's eyes widen with curiosity, and he crouches down so as not to be seen through the window, still clinging to the hose. Cut to shot of Daria sitting at the kitchen counter while Helen stands over the sink, washing clay residue off of her hands.)

DARIA: Remind me of that next time I get a demon urge to make a flamingo out of wax.

HELEN: (amused-exasperated) Oh Daria...

DARIA: But then again, I'm not sure my body could take being hugged twice by a guy who pumps one hundred pounds of pottery on a daily basis.

HELEN: Oh my... are you all right??

DARIA: I'm fine. The swelling should go down in a day or two.

HELEN: Greg's just a friendly man, I'm afraid. But don't worry: he was just here this one time, honest.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) The way you two were talking, it seemed like you have these playdates regularly.

HELEN: (sounding a bit uneasy) Well we don't. He was just teaching me to hold my hands properly on the pottery wheel.

DARIA: For four hours.

HELEN: Yes. (She emits what sounds like a strained chuckle.)

[*] Note: Greg made his appearance in "Breaking the Mold" and was alluded to in "Erin the Head."

(Cut to shot of Jake crouched down against the side of the house, ear turned toward the slightly-open door. He mouths the words "four hours??")

JAKE: (VO) At first when I heard that, I was as cool as a cucumber. (A "who cares" expression spreads over Jake's face.) So Helen's art teacher was over. Wasn't that nice? (Bt. Some doubt creeps in.) Although it was kind of strange that she hadn't mentioned he was coming. (Bt. Some more doubt.) Or that they were talking for so long. How the heck could Helen keep him interested in her damn lawyer stories for four whole hours? (A look of panic takes over Jake's face.) Unless maybe he was only acting interested when really he was thinking about something else. Something not real good, if you catch my drift! (Anger quickly replaces the panic.) Damn it! She's been taking his art class for weeks! How long had they been doing this so-called talking?? I should have told Helen from the start that she's no good at sculpting -- I could have stopped her from going!

DeMARTINO: (VO) Mr. Morgendorffer, please: get a grip.

JAKE: All right, all right. (Jake in the flashback takes a deep breath, relaxing his grip on the hose, allowing pent-up water to gush out.) Well even if it was all nothing, I wasn't gonna let it get any farther than that! (Jake gets a determined look on his face, straightens up, and takes a decisive step forward. Then he stops, and shudders, pan down to show that he's ankle-deep in a mud puddle created by the trickling hose.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of the outside of the house, completely dark except for the upstairs bedrooms. Cut to shot of Jake sitting up in bed. He quickly unbuttons his pajama top and tosses it over the side.)

JAKE: (VO) So that night, I decided to turn on some of the old bedroom charm. She can't resist that stuff!

(Pan over to show Helen, also sitting up, deeply absorbed in papers. Jake leans over and starts nuzzling her neck.)

HELEN: (flinging down the papers she's holding) Jakey! (The color that fills her cheeks suggests that she's aroused.)

JAKE: (low, Elvis-like voice) Aw come onnnn. Papa Bear needs some lovin' tonight! And you look soooooo good. (kisses her neck.)

HELEN: (still blushing, half-insistent) Now Jake, I've got to catch up on the paperwork I didn't get to this aft... (Jake starts nibbling on her ear. Suddenly she shoves her papers aside and faces him, a girlish expression on her face.) Oh all right.

(They start kissing, then the light grows dim and the scene fades out. Fade-in to some time later -- much later -- that night. Jake is sitting up, his chest still bare, hair mussed, and arms tucked behind his head. Helen lies beside him, asleep. One of her bare arms is curled over his stomach and her head is nestled against his side. A slow, victorious grin spreads across Jake's face.)

JAKE: (VO) "Well done, Jake, m'man!" I thought to myself. "By tomorrow she'll be saying Greg who??"

DeMARTINO: (VO) Mr. MORgendorffer, do you really think it's wise to leak your SEXUAL details to your kids' TEACHER in a public place??

(Cut to shot of Jake and DeMartino in the present. Jake gets a horrified "Oh NO!" expression on his face. Cut to wider shot. We see several shoppers gathered nearby, paused in their activities, which suggests they've been listening.)

JAKE: (looking around) Oh God! You're not gonna tell anyone are you??

EVERYONE: (in unison, innocent) Of course not!

(They resume shopping, and Jake breathes a sigh of relief. Fade-out. Fade-in to a flashback shot of Jake walking casually down the stairs, into the living room.)

JAKE: (VO) After that night, I was positive everything was fine. Until yesterday...

(Helen's muffled laughter can be heard from off screen. Jake scowls and mouths the word "Er-ic" as he enters the kitchen. Pan over to show Helen sitting at the table, cell phone to her ear.)

HELEN: (blushing, chortling) Oh Greg, you have to promise not to tell anyone! I've never told that story to a living soul before. (more laughter.)

(Cut to shot of Jake, his eyes widening.)

JAKE: (VO) She was talking to Greg and laughing, like he was the greatest person in the world or something!

(Jake frowns and gets an angry, confused look on his face. Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Jake and DeMartino standing in line at the cash register. DeMartino has just paid for his measly three items, and is ready to leave.)

JAKE: (resentful) Oh sure, she acted like nothing was going on when she hung up the phone, but I knew something was up! But I didn't know what to do. If I confront her about it, I'll just end up making her mad and that could drive her away. (face falls.) I can't let that happen.

DeMARTINO: (taking his grocery back, turning to face Jake) I sympathize with you, Mr. Morgendorffer. In fact I thank you for making my life seem slightly LESS pathetic... at least for ten minutes or so. (Bt) I wish you luck.

JAKE: (weakly) Thanks. (waves a little to DeMartino as he leaves, then slumps down.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, a little later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jake struggling to balance multiple grocery bags as he makes his way through the living room. Quinn bounds downstairs and glances at them with disapproval.)

QUINN: God, Dad, I hope you didn't get jellied pork shoulder again. That stuff is so fattening for you.

[*] see "A Tree Grows in Lawndale"

JAKE: (struggling) Hmmm-mmmmm...

QUINN: (after standing there a few seconds, watching him) Oh, I guess I should help you, shouldn't I? (From off screen, a car horn honks.) Uh-oh, gotta run: practice!

(She leaves, and predictably, Jake spills the contents in his bags over the couch and onto the floor. Daria chooses that moment to walk downstairs.)

DARIA: (looking at the mess) Dad, I know you like to experiment with new ways of cooking, but I'd advise you to quit while you're ahead.

JAKE: (getting worried) Oh geez, I gotta clean up before your mom sees this!

DARIA: No need to rush: she won't be back from her art class for a couple of hours.

JAKE: Oh. (His face puckers.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Jake lounging on the center couch, a dull, depressed look on his face. He's eating melted ice cream straight out of the carton, and picking at other food that was in the grocery bags. The groceries are scattered on the couch -- Jake hasn't put anything away. Just then, we hear the click of the front door off screen.)

HELEN: (off screen) Hellllllooo? I'm back! Did you -- (The cheer in her voice disappears as Helen appears on screen and surveys Jake's mess. Jake, who sat bolt upright the moment she came in, now tries to cover up the stuff, an embarrassed grin on her face.)

JAKE: Hi, honey!

HELEN: (hands on her hips, irritated tone) Jake, I asked you to do one simple chore around the house, and this is how it turns out?? I really don't know what's wrong with you, sometimes. Honestly, a man with two teenaged daughters ought to have the maturity to carry through with a --

JAKE: (jumping in, bitter) Ohhhh, so I guess it's "no more responsibility" for Jakey, then! "Big stupid Jakey's just gonna mess things up! I'll just do everything from now on because I can do it SO MUCH BETTER!!"

HELEN: (has heard this once too often) Jake, would you please stop putting words in my mouth?? All I'm saying is that I wish you'd think things through. For God's sake, if you'd just act your age --

JAKE: Oh yeah RIGHT, act my age! 'Cause Jake Morgendorffer NEVER acts his age! (whiny tone.) He just acts like a big, fussy baby, always whining, can't take care of himself! That's what you think, isn't it?!

HELEN: (eyes narrowing) Well if the bib fits... (Sees Jake get a stunned, hurt on his face, which immediately fills her with guilt. It shows in her expression.) I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. (sighs.) We shouldn't be fighting like this. Not after all we went through a while back.

JAKE: (nodding, forlorn) The only reason I didn't put everything away is 'cause I couldn't stop thinking of you. I didn't want to miss when you came home.

HELEN: (under her breath) Not even to put away the ground beef... (shakes her head, and adopts a maternal, upbeat tone.) Well I'm here now. (makes room to sit down beside Jake, and puts her hands over his.) And we can spend the rest of the evening together.

JAKE: (long-faced) Oh sure. You say that, but you'll just do paperwork and talk on the phone.

HELEN: (exasperation creeping in) I -- will not. I promise. (On cue, her cell phone springs to life. Helen glances at it for a couple of seconds, then shuts it off. She turns to Jake and lets out an embarrassed chuckle.)

JAKE: (resentful) Used to be bad enough when that was all you did, but between work and your damn art class, you don't have any time for me, anymore.

HELEN: Now Jake --

JAKE: I miss you, honey.

(Beat)

HELEN: (face softening) Ohhh... (fingers his hair soothingly.) Now Jakey, what do you want me to do? Give up my class?

JAKE: (face brightening) Yeah! Could you?!

HELEN: NO!

(They pull apart, each a little stunned by the intensity of her response. Jake gets a look on his face that says his fears have been validated -- part anxiety, part triumph. Helen's cheeks redden.)

JAKE: (deeply worried) Why not?? What do you get from that class that you can't get here?? (sneering.) Or should I say who?

HELEN: (already launching into her response, missing Jake's last few words) That class is a wonderful place for me to expand my artistic horizons in a controlled setting, make new contacts, achieve greater focus and acquire new skills --

JAKE: (voice edging on panic) But you could do all that stuff here! You could build your weird sculptures at the kitchen table -- we won't mind! They'd make great centerpieces. (He chuckles weakly when he thinks of how ugly Helen's sculptures are, then rushes on.) And your "contacts" can be me and the girls -- there's always crazy stuff going on with us. Like today I ran into the girls' history teacher...

HELEN: (guilty) Sweetie... you know I want to be with you and the girls as much as possible. (Bt, sighs, then becomes insistent.) But it just wouldn't be the same if I sculpted at home. We've got different lighting, none of the right supplies. It's fine for working on the projects after they've been started, but the atmosphere --

JAKE: (fidgeting) We'll buy you supplies! We'll get new lighting!

HELEN: (cheeks red, speaking each word with emphasis) Jake, I--don't-- want--to--quit--my--art--class.

(Pause. Jake's animation dies and he turns away from Helen, a sour, resentful look on his face. Helen looks contrite, but resolute.)

JAKE: Okay, fine. You love your damned class so much then FINE! You just go off and abandon me!

HELEN: Oh don't be ridiculous --

JAKE: Just GO ahead and abandon Jakey! Everyone ELSE has, so why not you?? (tremor in his voice.) I just never thought that my own wife would do something like that to me...

HELEN: Jake... (She's prepared to be patient with him until he regains him senses. But when she sees that his eyes have moistened, her face softens once more. She leans over and lays her arms around Jake, who at first resists, then huddles against her.) Honey, I would never abandon you. Never. (Then, thinking that Jake is just upset about being left home alone while she goes to class:) Look, why not come with me to my class next week and see what it's like?

JAKE: (lifts his head a little, puzzled) Come... to the class??

HELEN: There's an open house next week -- I was going to tell you. You'd get to meet some people. We'd get to spend time together.

JAKE: Aw, but honey, I get so tired in the evenings... (One glance at Helen's face, and he realizes that's the wrong thing to say. Suddenly his face lights up.) Wait: will your instructor be there??

HELEN: Of course Greg will be there. And I'm sure he'd love to meet you.

JAKE: And I'd love to meet him.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, after school, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a conference room with a long table, around which nearly all of the teachers have been gathered. Ms. Li presides at the head of the table in a chair more appropriate for a throne room. She taps a pen impatiently as she goes over the issues of the meeting.)

MS. LI: All riiiight. Enough discussion of cutting popular but meaningless programs, like music and counseling. It's time to move on to our next topic: instrrructor morale. (phony sincerity.) As principal of Llllllawndale High, I care about your well-being!

TEACHERS: (stunned) You do??

O'NEILL: (cupping his hands with delight) That's super, Ms. Li! It's important that as educators, we use our unity as a force of enlightenment for young people.

BARCH: (seated beside him, scoffing) If you really care about us, you'd petition for us all to get the piddling raises we were supposed to get last year. (Is met with a chorus of concurring voices.)

MS. LI: (irritated) Oh fiddle-faddle. The only reason I'm bringing this up is to prevent one of you from spinning out of controllll and indulging violent, murderous behavior that could make me look bad! (She looks pointedly at DeMartino at the opposite end of the table, as do the other teachers.)

DeMARTINO: (arms folded, sullen) Hmph.

MS. LI: Annnnthony, I understand you have grievances against our upstanding new addition to the staff.

BARCH: (under her breath) He's not the only one.

O'NEILL: (overhearing her, concerned) Janet...

(Just then the door opens and we see Mr. Phelps stride in, seeming in a hurry, but still as un-rattled as always. He glances around the room, his deadpan expression proclaiming that he doesn't really want to be here but knows he has no choice.)

PHELPS: I'm sorry about my tardiness. A student of mine came to me and --

MS. LI: (coddling) Neverrr mind, Alfred. As far as we're concerned, you're right on time.

(Cut to close-up of DeMartino, simmering.)

DeMARTINO: (low, grumbling voice) "Alfred"?! That stuffed PEACOCK has been here for less than a YEAR, and she's already started calling him "ALFRED"! It took me ten years and a recommendation by the SCHOOL BOARD for her to call me "Anthony"!

PHELPS: (having overheard, rolling his eyes) Still gnawing on that bone, are we?

MS. LI: Yesss, Anthony, your weighing and measuring of other teachers' privileges against your own has gotten verrrry tiresome. I hereby demand you stuff all that resentment down deep inside and never bother anyone else with it again.

BENNETT: (nervously helpful) But Ms. Li, is that really the way to boost Anthony's morale?

(Ms. Li groans, looking irritated that Bennett had to remind her. Phelps stands where he is and glances at his watch, looking bored.)

MS. LI: Well at least it would boost morale for the rest of us.

DeMARTINO: My morale will be BOOSTED when certain TEACHERS stop getting privileges that are entirely UNDESERVED!!

PHELPS: (turning to him, irritated) "Undeserved"?? For your information, sir, I teach seven periods a day, five days a week, twelve hours a day, forgoing the union-specified "prep" period so I have more time to spend with my students.

MS. LI: (jumping in) He came to us having won three statewide medals for excelllence and has continued to bring in the accolades ever since!

(Phelps glances at her, looking a miffed that she's heaping so much praise on him, as it's bound to not ingratiate him with DeMartino.)

BENNETT: (meek) He does work hard, Anthony. (Her remark is accompanied by several conceding nods.)

BARCH: (irritated) And the rest of us don't, huh?

DeMARTINO: (leaping up, seething) Well I work JUST as hard a you do, put in JUST as many backbreaking hours trying to drill knowledge into those little PARASITES with legs!

O'NEILL: (pacifying) Now Anthony, there's no need to resort to unpleasant names... (gets an icy glare from DeMartino.) Eap.

DeMARTINO: Why should HE get more privileges than I do?? I'll tell you WHY?! (glares at Li.) Because he is teaching the class that will lead to MONEY. (says it with a sneer.). HIS students will become ENGINEERS and computer PROGRAMMERS! While MY students'll become overpaid SECRETARIES, using their Liberal Arts degrees as DOORSTOPS. (rushes over to Phelps.) HE'S the teacher of the future, while I and others of my ilk are the DINOSAURS! (looks at the other teachers, eyes bulging.) Don't be surprised if the NEXT time there's talk of cutting "meaningless programs," the HUMANITIES are the next to go!

BARCH: (pacified) Well then I'm sitting pretty.

MS. LI: (laughing uneasily) Don't... be... ridiculous, Mr. DeMartino! I would... never do something like that.

PHELPS: (to DeMartino) With the teacher's union and tenure on your side, that's highly unlikely.

MS. LI: Y-yes, exactly! So in conclusion, until you start bringing the honorrrr and glory to Llllawndale High like your esteemed colleague here, kill the sour grapes attitude. Now on to our next order of business...

(DeMartino and Phelps eye each other -- "This isn't over.")

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (Lawndale Community Center, next week)

(Shot of the outside. It's a nondescript rectangular building, a couple of stories high. Cars are jammed into the front parking lot. Cut to close-up of the front entrance. A short flight of stairs leads up to double doors, which in turn lead to a hallway. We see several people standing around, chatting casually, and that Helen and Jake are weaving around them. Jake struggles with Helen's latest piece, which has been covered over with a cloth. As they enter the building, Jake gets so caught up in watching the people that he runs into a wall. Luckily this merely rattles the sculpture.)

JAKE: Gah! (Pulls away, starts rubbing his nose.)

HELEN: (irritated) Dammit Jake, watch out! I've worked very hard on that!

JAKE: (defensive) I'm sorry! It's not broken. (muttering.) Not that it'd look any worse if it was...

HELEN: What??

JAKE: Nothing!

JANE: (off screen) Hey Helen, you still hacking away at that giant asparagus of yours?

(She walks on screen, carrying a duffel bag over one shoulder. Smirking, she points at the sculpture, not seeing who is carrying it.)

JAKE: (poking his head out) Hey, it's Jane-o!

(Jane cringes with surprise, then shrugs resignedly.)

JANE: Well I guess I should've realized that the sculpture wasn't walking on its own -- (to Helen) though with your work, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.

(Helen chuckles. Jake gazes back and forth between them, surprised by their seeming ease together.)

JANE: So I've been spotted, I guess.

HELEN: Yep.

JAKE: Hey, I didn't know you took Helen's class, Jane! Or that you guys were on a first name basis.

JANE: (holding up her hands, looking embarrassed) Take the class?? Puh-leese, Mr. Morgendorffer, Jane Lane needs no mainstream, intermediate-level course to teach her how to sculpt. I just help out sometimes, since Greg and my mom are friends. (At the name "Greg," Jake's face darkens briefly. Meanwhile Jane smirks at Helen.) And since I can't resist the urge to flex my oversized ego in the presence of helpless novices.

HELEN: (rolling her eyes, knows Jane is teasing) And she's helped me out tremendously by giving a few pointers here and there.

JANE: And she's helped me out by not probing for info about your bespectacled eldest child. (Bt) Plus, she acts so damn enthusiastic about what she's doing that my cold artist's heart can't help but be a little thawed.

JAKE: And so that's when you started calling her "Helen"?

JANE: (looking more embarrassed) Er... it just slipped out one day. Before I knew it, I was spiraling downhill.

JAKE: Do you want to call me "Jake"?

JANE: (still more embarrassed) I have enough trouble accepting that I'm on a first named basis with one of my friends' parents; working my way up to both of you will take some time. (pats Jake on the arm.) You'll have to gain my trust first.

JAKE: How do I do that??

JANE: Cold hard cash, mister. (sees Jake start to reach for his wallet, puts a restraining hand on his arm.) Or just don't rat to Daria that you saw me here. (smirks again at Helen.) Your wife and I have promised to restrict our less antagonistic relations to art class only. (cocks a brow.) But otherwise --

HELEN: (smiling) Nothing's changed. I'm still Daria's meddlesome old mother. (Bt) Well not so old.

JANE: Yep. (Bt) Anyway I gotta go get ready for my date tonight. Could you let Greg know that I only came this time to drop off some art supplies? (waves "So long.")

HELEN: Of course. (waves back cheerfully as Jane leaves.) Have a good time!

JAKE: (waving while trying to balance the sculpture) Yeah, bye Jane-o! (When she's gone, he turns to Helen, an incredulous look on his face.) Wow, I'd've never thought you and the Janester would've hit it off. She's so loose and live-and-let live, and you're so --

HELEN: Restrained? (Her cocked brow suggests that she knew he was going to choose a less flattering word.) Well I was surprised as well. But sometimes when I talk to her, a part of me that I'd thought I'd forgotten comes out. (She then chuckles a little, as though she'd just found these last words to be absurd.)

JAKE: Really? Like what?

(Before Helen can respond, a tall, silver-haired man appears on screen and engulfs her in a friendly hug.)

MAN: (cheerful) Hey there, Helen darling! How're the old wrists doing?

(As he pulls away from her, we see that it's Greg. As Daria mentioned, he is muscular from hours of sculpting and lifting. Dressed in an old flannel shirt and jeans with specks of paint and clay embedded in them, he has an easy-going persona that is not hard to warm to. We see right away that Helen has a great rapport with him. Her smile widens and her eyes light up as they face each other. Jake notices this, and after setting aside Helen's sculpture, stiffens up in a boxer stance with his eyes narrowed.)

HELEN: Oh they're just fine, Greg. The soreness went away once I gave up on those sculpting marathons.

GREG: (smiling with understanding) Six hours straight is definitely a case of tendinitis waiting to happen. I'm glad you're feeling better. (raises a brow.) And if there's anything else you'd like to get off your chest...

(Helen responds to his question with a slight coloring of the cheeks and puckered lips which suggest she is both embarrassed and receptive. Just then Jake charges forward and sticks out his hand in front of Greg.)

JAKE: (curt) Nice to meet you, pal. I'm Jake Morgendorffer, Helen's husband. (He clenches his hand, as if preparing to squeeze hard.)

HELEN: (turning and laying her hand against the crook of Jake's other arm) Yes, Greg: he's joining me for the open house tonight.

GREG: You are? That's great, Jake. If you're even half as enthusiastic as your wife, you should take to art like a duck to water. (He leans forward and grips Jake's outstretched hand, giving it a firm shake.)

JAKE: (pulling back, wiggling his fingers to get feeling back in them) Um... yeah.

(Greg motions at them to follow him. Jake lingers behind to pick up the sculpture, looks at Greg with a glaring expression.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Jake tripping on the can and falling against the freezer, followed by shot of Helen and Daria talking in the kitchen, followed by shot of DeMartino standing beside Phelps and yelling, followed by shot of Greg gripping Jake's hand and giving it a firm shake.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Daria accepts an invitation to join Lawndale High's underground newspaper. But what happens when she and the clique don't click? Find out next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

Have you seen the previews for "Ed"? The show about the "bowling alley lawyer"?? In yet another knock-off of "Providence" and "Judging Amy," a big cityite decides he would be better off in quaint suburbia having kooky, heart-warming adventures. Now why does that seem familiar to me...? 

Oh God, the WORST example of poor taste from Nike, who until this point had impressed me with it's "Just Do It" commercials for women athletes. You may have seen the one where a chain saw wielding maniac prepares to make mincemeat of an unsuspecting woman... only to get outrun by her because she was "empowered" enough to wear Nike sneakers. Was Nike that greedy for consumers that it had to resort to something with that kind of shock value?? If so, it might have accomplished the opposite: turned an entire population off to its product. 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

AN UNEASY MARRIAGE

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (post office, that weekend, a few days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of DeMartino standing near the end of a very long line, waiting to deliver a package. He grunts and groans with frustration that verges on rage, causing many people nearby him to back away in fear. Cut to frontal shot of DeMartino, twitching ever so slightly, his eye bulging, checking his watch. Just then, a hand reaches on screen and taps him on the shoulder.)

JAKE: (off screen) Hey there!

DeMARTINO: AGH!!

(He swerves around, his hands curling into fists, looking ready to smash the face of whoever touched him. The people nearby back away even further, one person behind him even leaving. Pan over to show Jake, realizing he'd done something wrong, and cowering a little, but his friendliness undiminished.)

JAKE: Heh-heh, sorry 'bout that, Mr. DeMartino. I-I just thought...

(DeMartino groans and slaps his forehead, looking resigned to the task of talking to this man when he'd rather be left alone.)

DeMARTINO: Thought "What a happy COINcidence! There's my kids' teacher whom I just saw a little more than a WEEK ago."

JAKE: (uneasy) Um, yeah. And what a small world it is.

DeMARTINO: Considering the population of Lawndale could fit into a giant's TEASPOON, it is not surprising that we could meet up in two ENTIRELY different places in a short span of time.

JAKE: Yeah. But we've never done it before. (DeMartino's brows raise in a conceding gesture.) And oh man, the stuff that's happened to me since the last time I saw you...

DeMARTINO: Before you proceed any FURTHER, may I remind you that any confidence on your part could inadvertently HUMILIATE your daughters, not to mention your WIFE. (Jake gets a chastened look on his face, as he realizes that DeMartino is right. DeMartino cocks a grudgingly curious brow.) None the less, if you WISH to proceed, I won't stand in your way.

(With that, we fade-out. Fade-in to where we left off at the end of Act One. Now we see the inside of Greg's classroom, a large, white-walled room with bright lighting, a cement floor, and small windows lining the ceiling. In one corner is a smaller supply room, where the paints, plaster, clay, and other materials have been stashed. In another stands a wall-length drying rack, housing finished and unfinished sculptures alike. It's a much more "official" atmosphere than the Lane basement in "Breaking the Mold." Most of the students in the class work at long tables, and we see Greg wandering over to each one, observing and posing questions.)

(Cut to shot of Jake and Helen standing at a table. Helen is busy at work on the "giant asparagus," gazing at it intently and not speaking. Meanwhile, Jake is standing beside her like a sentinel, on the watch for any sign of Greg. Cut to brief shot of Greg, a distance away, from Jake's POV. Cut to close-up of Jake: he gets a dark scowl on his face, and off screen we hear a sharp thumping.)

HELEN: (off screen, irritated) Jake!

(Cut to wide shot of the two of them. Helen glares at the pair of pliers which Jake has been unconsciously hitting against the table. Jake chuckles apologetically, lays them down. But as Helen continues sculpting, he grows bored with his guardian role, and starts to make unconscious throat-clearing and table rapping sounds. Finally Helen turns to Jake with a vexed expression.)

HELEN: (straining to patient) Jakey, you don't have to stay with me the entire class. Why not go mingle with the other guests?

JAKE: (vaguely panicky) Aw, but I don't want to leave you by yourself. Come with me! You always like talking to people.

HELEN: Maybe later. (glances around the room, points.) Look, honey: all of the other guests are making things. If you don't feel like talking to them, you could go to the supply room and find something to work with.

JAKE: Awww, but I don't want t... (Helen's expression suggests that she'd really like it if Jake did as she said.) Ohhh o-kay. But just remember: (puts a hand on Helen's cheek in a melodramatic gesture.) Jakey will be back before you know it! (He then engulfs her in an impulsive hug.)

HELEN: (strange expression) Umph... all right.

(Jake releases her abruptly and hurries off -- the less time away from his table the better. Helen heaves a sigh of relief and returns to her creation.)

(Cut to shot of Jake scrambling toward the supply room, his eyes turned in the opposite direction from where he was headed. Cut to his POV: we see that Greg has inched his way closer to the table and is now looking over the work of another student. Cut to shot of Jake: the panic on his face increases, and he turns toward the supply room -- and nearly plows into another student carrying a large, menacing sculpture built out of old engine parts.)

JAKE: Gah! That could've sliced my -- (takes a good look at the sculpture.) Ooooh...

MAN: You like?

JAKE: You bet I like! (starts fingering parts of the sculpture with childlike enthusiasm.) Wish I could make one of these!

MAN: (shrugging) There's a box of odds and ends in the supply room. All you need is some first class junk and a lot of patience. (Looks up from his sculpture at Jake as he says this, but sees that he's already run off.)

(Cut to shot of Jake digging through a pile that would be a junk man's dream, with an eagerness on his face that resembles an explorer on the verge of discovering a major find. Cut to shot of him emerging from the supply room, his arms loaded down with junk, on his way back to the table. But just has he's taken a couple of steps, he stops and gets a crestfallen look on his face. Cut to shot of Helen at the table: Jake's delay has been costly, for now Greg stands beside her at the table, and the two appear to be chatting.)

JAKE: (VO) There he was again! But were they talking, or (ominous) talking??

(He frowns, and is about to bolt over, when a female student walks up and casually observes the same thing.)

WOMAN: (under her breath) He has the patience of a saint.

JAKE: Wh-what do you mean??

WOMAN: (surprised that Jake heard her, but unfazed) That bitch he's talking to is possessed, or something. She hardly talks to anyone during the entire class, except to yell when someone's ruining her precious concentration.

JAKE: (confused, remembering Helen's earlier words to him) You mean no "making new contacts"?? No "networking"??

WOMAN: (shrugging) Well she's got plenty of contact with Greg. He talks to her more than anyone else. And for some crazy reason, he seems to like her the best. (She casually walks off, leaving Jake looking worried, not liking what he's heard.)

(Cut to shot of Greg standing beside Helen as she continues to sculpt. She's now in a less focused mode, and has partially turned to the side to talk with him.)

GREG: Hey, if you don't feel like discussing problems at work, then that's just fine.

HELEN: (blushing, teasing) Oh you say that, but why do I have the feeling you'll use some of that black magic on me and make me say things I never meant to say??

GREG: (still friendly, but sounding a little taken aback) What magic, Helen? All I've ever done is ask questions: it's your choice whether you want to answer them. And since you don't... (pats her arm lightly, suggesting that he's going to move on.)

HELEN: (still teasing, mustering assertiveness) Well maybe I will tell you one of these days. When I'm in the right mood.

GREG: Sure. (smiles warmly.) And you know I'll be here.

(Helen gets an expression on her face that suggests some light has been lit inside her. She looks at Greg as though there are a million things she wants to say, but couldn't begin to articulate. Finally she lets out a funny-sounding chuckle and gazes down at her work. Just then Jake storms up and dumps his odds and ends on the table, looking at Greg with a glowering expression. Greg gazes at his finds with interest, Helen with puzzlement.)

HELEN: Jake, when I sent you to the supply room, I didn't think...

JAKE: (angry) Well I'm back, and that's all that matters! And I'm not leaving anymore!

GREG: Looks like you've found yourself some mighty fine treasure.

JAKE: (looking at Helen) Yeah! And I'm not gonna let it go!

GREG: So you want to come back next week and work on it?

JAKE: Just what the hell do you mean by that?! (looks down at his junk.) Oh. (chuckles.) Well gosh, sure. I mean if Helen lets me.

HELEN: (seeming amused, exasperated by his choice of words) Of course I'll "let" you.

DeMARTINO: (VO) If it makes you feel better, Mr. Morgendorffer, I doubt that if that Greg fellow HAD designs on your wife, he would invite you to come to the very PLACE he's making his advances.

JAKE: (VO, sounding relieved) Yeah. Or else he's just really dumb!

(Fade-out. Fade-in to flashback shot of Jake and Helen in the car, on their way home from the class. Jake looks ecstatic, Helen pleased.)

JAKE: (VO) In any case, I was home free!

HELEN: Well I think it's wonderful. I didn't even know you liked art, Jake. But with you and me taking the same class, we'll finally have that quality couples time we've been after for so long.

JAKE: Yeah!

HELEN: No work nor daughters nor television nor newspapers to distract us. And this time we can really make the most of it.

JAKE: You bet! (Bt) What do you mean "this time"?

HELEN: (uneasiness creeping in) Oh well... you remember the last time we scheduled time together -- that mountain cabin retreat.

[*] see "Antisocial Climbers"

JAKE: (a grin spreads across his face as he recalls his and Helen's merrymaking) Man, do I.

HELEN: While the sex was certainly nothing to complain about... (gets a smirk on her face, which quickly disappears as she grows more serious.) it can't be everything. When we tried to just talk we... well we couldn't... (grows too embarrassed to say it point blank.)

DeMARTINO: (VO) THAT would explain why when I came to your cabin half-FROZEN, you thrust me into that game of charades.

HELEN: Look, we were probably just overtired from the drive up, from the pressures put on us by having to do so much in such a short span of time. (determined.) We'll do much better in a more low-key setting.

JAKE: Sure we will!

(Cut to shot of Jake and DeMartino in the present. They've each finished delivering the packages they brought and are leaving the post office.)

JAKE: (doing a jazzed fist pump) So now I can keep an eye on this Greg bastard, and if he tries to put moves on Helen, I'll pound him one!

DeMARTINO: (wicked look) Are you so sure spending an evening alone each week with your WIFE is a fair price to pay??

(For one moment, Jake doesn't get it. Then he bursts out laughing, and laughs so long and hard, DeMartino starts looking at him as though he's got a screw loose.)

JAKE: Seriously, I'll do whatever it takes to keep her happy. (a little subdued.) She's my rock, my support. Before she came into my life I was just drifting along, and if she left, I'd be lost.

DeMARTINO: Nice to see a man with so much FAITH in himself. (He heads toward his rusted-out car, starts to open the door. Jake watches him with a disappointed expression.)

JAKE: Gee, you gotta leave so soon? I was sorta thinking we could rap a little.

(He looks at DeMartino eagerly, who in turn looks genuinely surprised by the offer. For one moment, his usual gruffness gives way to genuine thoughtfulness. But just as quickly, his skeptical side reasserts itself.)

DeMARTINO: I realize in your VULNERABLE condition, you need a warm body to WHIMPER to, and you chose me because I happened to be around. But I am not your BUDDY. Now if you'll EXCUSE me, I've gotta get this rust bucket a LUBE JOB.

JAKE: (deflated) Oh. Sorry 'bout that. (shrugs.) I guess I got a little excited. I mean you're the first guy I've really been able to talk to in a while. (scratches his chin thoughtfully.) Something about my temper scaring them all away...

(DeMartino cocks a brow, wearing a slightly mollified expression that suggests he understands Finally he rolls his eyes skyward in a conceding manner. Fade-out.)

(Fade-in to shot of DeMartino crawling around on the ground after school, scrounging after items his students have dropped on the floor. And close to rage, as usual.)

DeMARTINO: Lousy mooching little PUNKS! Too... busy... goofing OFF with their stupid LOVE notes and paper AIR planes and chewing gum -- GRRRHHH! (as he accidently presses down on an old piece of gum stuck to the floor.) Goddamn stupid little...

(Suddenly he runs into a pair of shiny brown leather shoes. DeMartino stares at them with surprise, and looks up. Cut to his POV: we see none other than Phelps towering above him. Resume previous shot. DeMartino gets a look of extreme irritation, and for one moment seems to carefully consider whether or not to spit on those flawless shoes. Cut to shot of Phelps as seen from normal eye level. DeMartino leaps up and gazes at him menacingly.)

DeMARTINO: (gritting teeth) May I HELP you with something??

PHELPS: (even-toned) Perhaps. Perhaps not. (DeMartino gets an even more irritated expression on his face.) Look, we've seemed to have developed some sort of impasse this past year. And I, for one, would like to break through it.

DeMARTINO: Oh REALLY?? How?

PHELPS: That's for both of us to decide. (groans.) Look, from the moment I arrived --

DeMARTINO: After stuffing your precious Bentley into my PARKING SPACE!

PHELPS: (more irritated) Which did not have "Property of Anthony DeMartino" written on it. Otherwise, I can assure you --

DeMARTINO: (steamed, remembering) Ms. Li threw an enormous PARTY to announce that none of us teachers would be getting a raise for the year because the DISTRICT had to find some way to pay YOU!

PHELPS: (lips curling slightly with impatience) Again, not my fault. I can't be held responsible for how the public school system decides to screw the people who keep it afloat.

DeMARTINO: You can if you didn't have to COME to this crummy public school system in the FIRST place! Which makes me wonder again --

PHELPS: (rolling his eyes) For the thousandth time, the reason I'm here is because I felt that my services would be of greater value than at Fielding.

(DeMartino leans forward and looks at him probingly.)

DeMARTINO: Why do I not BELIEVE you??

PHELPS: (eyes narrowing) I really don't care whether you do or do not, dear chum. The point is that we're both here to teach the students to the best of our ability. We should be combining strategy, not clawing each other's eyes out.

(DeMartino grunts concedingly.)

JAKE: (VO) So did you two work it out, then?

DeMARTINO: (VO) Oh... um, yeah. I made that lousy interloper see things MY way. (cackles angrily.)

(Cut to shot of him standing next to his car, beside Jake.)

JAKE: That's tellin' 'im, big guy! (does a fist pump, then cowers a little.) Um, is it all right if I call you "big guy"?

DeMARTINO: (something resembling a smile on his face, sort of flattered by the praise) While I am not certain I would give myself the nickname commonly associated with a teenage FOOTBALL player, in your case, I'll let it slide. (Suddenly a shadow falls over his face.) Well I gotta get going.

JAKE: Will I see you again??

DeMARTINO: (gruff) You mean you WANT to see me again??

JAKE: (cowering a little) Um, only if you want to.

(DeMartino grunts in response.)

DeMARTINO: (still skeptical) If you feel you can't live WITHOUT me, give me a ring. And MAYBE I'll be in a good mood.

JAKE: Great!

(He waves and walks away jauntily, feeling on top of the world. As DeMartino gets into his car, his face takes on a dark expression. Dissolve to the flashback scene with him and Phelps, resuming where it had left off.)

PHELPS: Now if you would only follow my advice, I think we'll be able to fix your problems.

DeMARTINO: (re-enraged) MY problems?! I keep protesting to DEAF ears that the only problem I have is YOU.

PHELPS: (bemused expression) Well then, you obviously must be deaf to the comments of your students and fellow faculty members. Don't you realize that people are sneering at you when they're not cowering??

(DeMartino trembles with some of his eye-bulging psycho rage, and reaches over to grip the lapels of Phelps's coat. Phelps gets an extremely irritated look on his face but, although he's not a scrawny man by any means, refrains from trying to pull away. Their eyes lock.)

DeMARTINO: You've got that BACKWARDS, pal! It's you they're sneering at! Or at least they will when I get through CONVINCING them!!

PHELPS: (calm) And how do you plan to do that? With your (slight smirk.) stirring oratory? With your high ideals?

DeMARTINO: Seniority, DAMMIT!

PHELPS: Oh please. When our colleagues look at you, they see an angry, vile, nasty man who hates his work and has no respect for other people. A man who spouts conspiracy theories about cutting the Humanities to cover up the fact that he can't look himself in the mirror each morning. No years of hard work will grant you the respect of your peers if you're just going to give it away with each opportunity that arises.

(In response to these words, DeMartino grows both more enraged and perceptibly shaken up. He looks as though he wants to strangle Phelps, but is paralyzed. Instead he releases his grip on Phelps's coat and just sort of twitches and eye-bulges at random.)

PHELPS: (brushes off his lapels.) I may not be universally liked at this school, but at least people know that I'm trying to help the students succeed. No one in God's name knows why you linger about.

(With that, he leaves.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (Greg's art classroom)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Helen standing at her usual table, tying wire to a wooden base. Greg saunters up to her, arms folded, and looks at what she's doing with bemusement.)

GREG: Helen, don't tell me you've already finished "The Naked Inferno." (shakes his head.) You really are a whirlwind.

HELEN: Finished? (chuckles.) Oh, I'm nowhere near finished with that. I've just put it aside for a while because my husband and I are going to be working on a project together. We decided last night.

GREG: (surprised) Oh... that's nice. Nothing like two people forging a bond through combined creative energy.

HELEN: (pleased) That's exactly what I was thinking.

GREG: (somewhat subdued) Yes, well... I hope you do get around to finishing your other piece. You seemed to enjoy working on it so much. (smiles.) And how often do we really enjoy our work, huh?

HELEN: (pleasure fading a little) Right. (Bt. That reminds her of something, and she gets a thoughtful look on her face.) Greg, before you go...

GREG: Mmm-hmm?

HELEN: (lowering her eyes slightly, sotto voce) Do you remember when I said I'd answer your questions when I was in the "right" mood? (Pauses to think, obviously trying to sort through a lot of complicated emotions.) Look, do not think that what I'm going to tell you means anything. (chuckles uneasily, speaks rapidly in her "I'm-on-it" tone.) Everyone has a bad week; it's just a part of life. And I certainly don't view a bad week -- or three or four -- as any cause for alarm. If anything I look upon it as an opportunity to attack the problem, which really isn't a problem, and find a solution that will make everything work out for the bet--

GREG: Helen, Helen... (smiles.) Just say what's on your mind, okay?

(Beat)

HELEN: (cheeks reddening) Oh... I didn't realize... (rolls her eyes.) All right, all right. I've been feeling a little tired at work lately. (insistent.) Nothing that can't be overcome by good attitude, I'm sure.

GREG: (nodding) Right, you've said that.

HELEN: I thought it was just fatigue from the big McCarthy case, but... um when it didn't go away, I started to think there could be another explanation. (smiles uneasily, as though she's trying to make it easier to say things she's almost too afraid to admit.) Maybe...

JAKE: (off screen, forced-cheerful) I'm back, honey! Did you miss me??

(He appears on screen in jeans and an old T-shirt, carrying a bucketful of clay and some of the old junk which he promptly dumps on the table in a mood-shattering clatter. Then, after grimacing at Greg for a moment, he grabs Helen and proceeds to plant an Al-and-Tipper-Gore kiss on her lips. Helen finally pulls away, looking both embarrassed and aroused, and giggles uneasily at Greg. Cut to wide shot. Many members of the class are watching with bemused expressions. Cut to shot of Jane, who's decided to stay this week, in the corner. She cocks a brow, watches with interest. Resume shot of Helen, Jake, and Greg.)

GREG: (shaking his head with bemusement) I'll leave you two alone. If you need me, just whistle. (leaves.)

JAKE: Thanks but no thanks, pal! We'll do just fine on our own! (turns to Helen, jazzed up.) Okay, honey, I'm ready to dive in! What do we do first?? (claps a couple of times.)

HELEN: Well I thought that we could discuss it.

JAKE: Okay.

(A long, slightly awkward silence follows, much like the one they experienced in "Antisocial Climbers" when they tried to communicate.)

HELEN: Or I have a few ideas. (gestures at the base and wire.) As you can see, I've already gotten us started.

(Jake nods, then reaches for one of his junk items. Helen shakes her head, points to the clay. Jake gets a contrite look on his face, and reaches for the clay to mold it on the frame, as Helen directs. Helen starts to do the same.)

JAKE: (most eager, appealing tone) Wow, look at us! Sculpting together... isn't that cool?? We never do this at home! (Bt) So are we communicating yet?

HELEN: We're starting to. (regards him with a pleased expression.) Well I suppose I could tell you about how work is going. (Pauses momentarily, wondering whether to give him the "sunny" scenario, or the more troubled one she was about to give Greg.) It's not an easy thing for me to discuss, but I suppose I'll have to face it sooner or later...

(Jake nods silently, unaware that his eyes are glazing over. He is soon met by a glare from his wife.)

JAKE: What??

HELEN: (resentful) You're not interested. You've got that bored look on your face again.

JAKE: (defensive) I do not! I'm always happy to hear what case you've won or... um, how you're too busy to talk 'cause you need to focus on winning other cases. (chuckles uneasily.) So who'd you beat today, honey??

(Helen looks at him probingly for a moment or two, as if trying to determine how he would treat the news which she was already so reluctant to tell Greg. Finally she withdraws perceptively, forces a smile.)

HELEN: I wasn't in court today, actually.

(Jake looks at her for a second, waiting to see if she'll offer more. When she doesn't, he gets back to sculpting.)

HELEN: (probing the clay, infusing herself with new friendliness) So how was your day??

JAKE: Great! Just great! (Bt. gets a dark look on his face.) Except for that guy who cut me off on the interstate on my way to work. Boy, wasn't he a little punk! Thought it was perfectly fine to almost get me KILLED just so he could go ten miles faster! Goddamn it, where's a cop when you NEED one?! Oh sure, they only come out when I --!

(Helen stares at him wearily, sees that he has entered his own reality. After a couple of attempts to bring him out of it, she sighs and keeps working on the sculpture. Fade-out.)

(Fade-in to close-up shot of the sculpture, toward the end of class. It's very strange looking, sort of lopsided with junk objects around the fringes. Cut to shot of Jane standing near Greg, looking at it from a slight distance.)

JANE: I've got a pretty expansive range of tastes. I can appreciate the eccentric, twisted minds who photographed their body parts and put them on display... or who expected us to see genius in the way they can paint canvases a single color. But that (wrinkles her nose.) is bad.

GREG: (solemnly) All art has a purpose, Jane.

JANE: Well then the purpose of that one must be to say: "I'm on my last legs. Please, please put me out of my misery."

(Greg shakes his head and frowns at the piece off screen. Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, both looking tired out and cross, as though it's been a long three hours.)

HELEN: (irritated) Dammit Jake, don't pile so much on your side. You're ruining it.

JAKE: (whiny, irritated) Ruining what?? I don't even know what it's supposed to be!

HELEN: For the last time, I told you --

(Just then a fellow student casually walks up and looks at Jake's side of the sculpture, having not caught the bickering.)

MAN: Hmm, I like where you're going with this.

JAKE: (pleased) Thanks!

HELEN: Oh who asked YOU?! (The student takes one look at her and bolts. Helen turns to Jake and groans.) Why don't we work on this some more at home??

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (Lawndale High, montage)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to frontal close-up of DeMartino, stomping down the hallway, head bent forward, teeth bared, eye bulging. His usual walking style.)

(Cut to shot of the hallway as seen from his POV, the camera moving wherever his eyes move. Up ahead, students who have been casually talking get deer-in-headlights looks as he approaches, and scurry off in all directions. One of the students we recognize as Stacy. She bursts into tears and whimpers as she realizes she doesn't have a place to hide. The camera lingers on her, then returns to the hallway.)

DeMARTINO: (VO) MrrrRRRRRRRRR... spoiled brats, every one...

(Just then a paper airplane shoots out of nowhere and the screen goes black momentarily.)

DeMARTINO: GAHHHHHHHHHH! (indicating he's been hit in the eye.)

(He swerves around, and we see Kevin standing against his locker, looking goofy and proud, while Brittany leans on his shoulder.)

KEVIN: Hey Mr. D! How'd ya like my paper airplane? (As the camera zooms in, his face gets a panicked look.) Mr. D??

DeMARTINO: (VO) ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!

(Kevin jumps out of the way moments before the camera crashes into the locker, causing everything to swirls around and momentarily go out of focus.)

BRITTANY: (off screen) Run, Kevvy! RUN!!!

(The camera regains focus, turns upright, and begins shooting down the hallway as DeMartino chases Kevin, who can be seen a distance away, running for dear life. The camera doesn't pause for the random student that walks out of the classroom, and only shakes a little as DeMartino bumps roughly into each one. Papers and notebooks fly up and briefly block our view of the hallway.)

STUDENTS: (off screen, angry) Hey, watch it!

(As the last paper flutters away, we see that DeMartino has nearly caught up to Kevin, who is scrambling to open the double doors to the outside. As Kevin runs out onto the lawn, we see a large hand reach on screen, yank his collar, and send him tumbling to the ground. Pan over and zoom in on Kevin's neck, linger for several seconds, as DeMartino's enraged grunting grows louder. Just then: )

O'NEILL: (freaked) Anthony!

(Cut to wide shot. DeMartino, who's preparing to enact the same violence that got him put in the mental institution [as noted in "The Daria Database"], straightens up from his crouched position and looks off screen. Pan over to show the open window of the teacher's lounge, where O'Neill and now several other teachers are looking out at him.)

O'NEILL: Violence is never the answer!

BARCH: (sarcastic) Well it's business as usual, I see.

DeFOE: (shakes her head) To think he could have been a great man.

(Barch and DeFoe turn and head away from the window. Cut to shot of DeMartino. His unexpected audience has taken some wind out of his sails. He gets a look on his face like he wants to protest, which quickly turns to frustration as he realizes it won't do him any good. Just then he looks and notices Kevin has fled, which causes him to start pounding the ground in frustration.)

(Cut to the men's bathroom a short time later. DeMartino stumbles in, covered with dirt, his hair in disarray because of the papers flying into him. He walks up to the sinks and looks into the mirror. Pan over to show his reflection. As Phelps suggested by his "can't look himself in the mirror" remark, DeMartino groans loudly when he sees it.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, Friday evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a casually-dressed Helen walking down the basement stairs, on her way down to where the sculpture is. She gets a surprised look on her face as she reaches the bottom. Pan over to show the sculpture she and Jake were working on, now with several pieces of junk twisted over it, forming an unusual tapestry. Helen walks over to it and eyes it with a strange expression, as if wondering whether pixies had worked on it since the last art class.)

HELEN: What the...? (fingering it.) Jake?

JAKE: (off screen, excited tone) Hey honey, what d' you think?! (Cut to shot of him running down the stairs and bounding up to Helen, pointing to the sculpture with delight.) While you were still at the office, I just got inspired, and before I knew it, I was putting stuff together! (gesticulates wildly.) Boy, now I understand why you like your art class so much! I swear this image just popped into my head about how the piece should look, and how all these separate parts fit together, and oh man I'm telling you, I got so wired up, I felt like I was back in the Sixties and on... you know...

(His voice takes on a low Elvis tone during these last few words, and he pulls Helen to him in an embrace. Helen lays her head on his shoulder, wearing an expression of genuine pleasure for Jake.)

HELEN: Oh Jakey, I love it when you're like this.

JAKE: (purry) So do I...

HELEN: But--um... (A vague look of unease crosses her face, and you can tell she'd rather not spoil the moment by saying what's on her mind.) I wish you had waited until you'd consulted me. We're supposed to be working on this project together, remember?

JAKE: (excitement fading) Oh... I know I was supposed to wait 'til you got home. But your sculptures are so, er, original, I didn't think you'd mind. (hopeful expression.) You couldn't work around it?

HELEN: (trying to stay upbeat) Um... of course. I'll be fine.

(Pause. She and Jake both look at the sculpture, and then Jake looks at Helen. Without another word, he starts removing some of the objects he'd added, until Helen puts up a hand for him to stop. She wears a grateful, yet apologetic expression, for she realizes that her unspoken request has dampened the mood, lessening the chance for meaningful communication. As she and Jake prepare to work on the sculpture some more, she pauses to think of ways she can restore it.)

HELEN: (donning her smock) Honey, I've been thinking. During the last class, I wasn't very on the level with you.

(Jake, who's been looking for a pair of pliers on a high shelf, freezes on the stepladder he's standing on.)

JAKE: "On the level"?? (trying to stay calm) Um--er, what do you mean??

HELEN: I mean here I've been wanting us to communicate more as a couple, and I didn't even give you a chance to respond to the mixed-up feelings I've been having lately.

(Jake hops/falls off of the stepladder, his eyes wide, suddenly feeling as though Helen is going to admit what he hasn't wanted to hear.)

JAKE: (voice verging on panic) Honey-honey, whatever it is, it'll be okay! Jakey's sorry for everything he's done or everything you think I might've done! I'll make everything better from now on, I promise! (nervous rambling.) No toilet seat covers up, no reading the paper over an open flame --

HELEN: (mystified by his behavior) Oh honestly Jakey, you don't need to be everything to me; just listen. (sighs.) I'm just not used to admitting my feelings in this way. It's not how I was brought up so it doesn't feel right.

JAKE: (eyes wider and more panicked) Oh God, I should think so!

HELEN: (looking at him a bit strangely) But I was talking to Greg, and he was the one who really urged me to --

JAKE: (face darkening into a scowl) Greg! Of course!! Dammit, I don't want to hear about that BASTARD!

HELEN: (gets a look of absolute astonishment) But I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about --

JAKE: Greg, Greg, GREG!! That's ALL I've been hearing about lately! I know how you always talk to him!

HELEN: (face reddening) Well that's why I'm talking to you. You're my husband, I don't want to keep things from y--

JAKE: (covers his eyes with his hands.) I don't wanna HEAR anything more! JUST DON'T TELL ME!!

(Beat)

HELEN: (cool tone) Don't tell you that I've been having a lousy month at work?

JAKE: (uncovering his eyes) Huh??

(Helen sighs.)

HELEN: (looks embarrassed to be admitting this) I haven't been, um, as enthusiastic about my job as I usually am. I think I might be in some sort of rut.

JAKE: Oh. (He suddenly laughs loudly with relief.) Is that all?? (He races over to embrace his wife.)

HELEN: (trace of annoyance) What do you mean "is that all"?

JAKE: (putting his arms around her) Oh nothing!

HELEN: (resting her head on his shoulder) Well I just regret having acted as though I lacked confidence that you'd understand what I was going through. And I'm sorry that I've been telling Greg things I should be telling you.

JAKE: (happy) Hey, it's all right! Everything'll work out fine! (pulls back so he can look at Helen.) I mean you're the lawyer. Law is what you do, and you're good at it!

HELEN: Oh, well thank you.

JAKE: No one argues better than you do! No one works longer hours or later nights! (doesn't notice when Helen's face starts to lose some of its glow.) I mean heck, (chuckles with a tinge of resentment.) you made it pretty clear years ago that your job and you are one and the same, and you'll be bouncing back in no time because... well, what other choice do you have? Especially with the kids going to college and the mortgage -- oh good GOD (is quickly consumed by the horror of being steeped in debt.)

(Beat. Helen pulls back a little more so that Jake no longer has his arms around her.)

HELEN: Thank you, sweetheart. You're right. That's who I am -- the lawyer.

(She pats her husband's shoulder with affection, but it's obvious what Jake said wasn't what she wanted to hear.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Jake running up to Helen and Greg, followed by shot of DeMartino grabbing Phelps by the lapels, followed by shot of Kevin running away in fear for his life, followed by shot of Jake talking excitedly to Helen in the basement.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Now here is a truly hellish commercial...

1 BLACK.

NARRATOR Daria Morgendorffer never had a pleasant life. But what she didn't realize was how much worse was the prospect of death.

Cue the scary music.

2 INT. DARIA AND JANE'S APARTMENT, DARIA'S BEDROOM.

DARIA (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) is in bed, her face showing fear.

3 PAN TO SHOW: A MIRROR.

QUINN (played by Keri Russell), looking as if she's a walking corpse, dirty and dressed in rags, floats on the other side of the mirror, her fingertips against the glass. Behind QUINN can be seen the flames of Hell.

4 CUT TO: INT. BEAVIS'S BEDROOM.

The bedroom is in total disarray. SMILEY (a slasher-killer in a smiley-face mask) hits BEAVIS (played by Ian Ziering) in the stomach, knocking him to the ground.

5 EXT. LAWNDALE GRAVEYARD-NIGHT.

At the grave of TOMMY SHERMAN, MONIQUE (played by Laura Prepon), BRITTANY (played by Melissa Joan Hart), ANDREA (played by Rose McGowan), and QUINN sit around a pentagram and much magical apparatus, holding hands and chanting.

6 CUT TO: BLACK

SUPER: DON'T GO OUT AT NIGHT

7 CUT TO: EXT. THE DUMPSTER BEHIND A GOOD TIME CHINESE RESTAURANT.

Many people dressed as killers from horror movies are assembled. Someone dressed as Ghost Face (from the _Scream_ movies) drops a struggling QUINN into the dumpster.

8 CUT TO: BLACK.

SUPER: DON'T RUN IN HIGH HEELS

9 INT. HADDON HALL.

As SMILEY approaches her, HEATHER (played by Selma Blair), careless, tumbles over a banister from the fourth floor to the third floor.

10 CUT TO: BLACK.

SUPER: DON'T MOCK THE RULES

11 CUT TO: INT. MOESCHBERGER DORMITORY, TRENT AND JESSE'S DORM ROOM.

TAYLOR, a cat, sits on a bed, playing with a ball of yarn. JESSE(played by Leonardo DiCaprio) enters his dorm room, just returning from the showers, with only a towel around his waist. He is whistling something. He opens the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet to get some hair gel, and when he closes it, SMILEY can be seen in the reflection, and he/she does not look happy.

12 CUT TO: BLACK.

SUPER: AND ABOVE ALL ELSE

13 INT. HOSPITAL, HALLWAY.

QUINN, half-dressed and a big bruise on her face, runs out of a Hospital room.

14 CUT TO: BLACK.

SUPER: STAY AWAY FROM

15 CUT TO: HALLWAY.

SANDI (played by Denise Richards), with only a towel wrapped around her to hide her nakedness, and holding FLUFFY, a cat, slowly spins. We can see SMILEY emerging from the darkness behind her with a raised knife. SANDI screams and throws FLUFFY in SMILEY's face.

16 CUT TO: BLACK.

SUPER: THE MISERY CHICK

17 CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP.

DARIA and TRENT (played by Jakob Dylan) are in a coffee shop. No one else is present. Daria is on the phone. SMILEY suddenly bursts though the front door wielding a hunting knife. DARIA screams.

18 CUT TO: BLACK

SUPER: DARIA 2: THE CURSE OF THE MISERY CHICK

SUPER: DECEMBER 2000

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

AN UNEASY MARRIAGE

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (a junkyard, some distance outside of Lawndale, a weekend)

(Shot of piles upon piles of junk piled up to the sky -- couches, spring mattresses, broken clocks and blenders, old tires, etc. Through the middle, dressed in old clothes, we see DeMartino and Jake plunging through. DeMartino leads, using a stick to push aside the stray junk like an explorer on an expedition through the jungle. Jake follows behind timidly, eyeing the piles around him.)

JAKE: Gee, um, when I suggested we do a Guys Day Out... I sort of thought we might go bowling, or something...

DeMARTINO: (with a slightly sadistic smirk) You don't think we could "rap" properly HERE, Jake my man?

JAKE: (trying to sound enthused) Um, well sure we could. (eyes some dark objects that are wiggling out of a hole in an old coffee table.) Gah -- rats! (He cowers, then sees DeMartino looking at him.) Um, I mean: pretty damn cool.

DeMARTINO: (turning away from him, with satisfaction) This is POOR man's paradise! (takes a deep breath, hacks a couple of times.) Where I go to get me a spare TV or a chest of drawers or a DISCO ball. (Pauses to grip his stick with both hands, like a baseball bat.) It's ALSO a place where I can release pent-up aggresSION without being dragged off to the INSANE asylum. (whacks it hard against an object too far gone to be missed.) Like THAT! (Jake cowers again at the sheer ferocity of the blow. DeMartino eyes him with wicked amusement.) Care to TRY??

JAKE: Uh... sure. (He grabs an old broomstick hesitantly from a junk pile, then gives it a hesitant whack, as if worried more dark objects will scamper out. When the pile merely falls to the ground with a clatter, Jake gets an excited look on his face.) Hey... this isn't so bad. (He walks up to another pile and whacks it hard.) It's even kind of fun! (goes over to another pile.) Ha-HA: take that Dad, you old BASTARD!! (whacks it hard, then starts beating up on the individual objects.)

DeMARTINO: (with satisfaction) Now you've got it. (does his own whacking.) Take THAT, you tea-drinking, caviar-eating NUMBSKULL!!

JAKE: (really getting into it) Take THAT Greg! And you, too, Eric!! I'm as much of a man as YOU are!!

DeMARTINO: And here's another WHACK for having shoes that cost more'n my HOUSE!

JAKE: No one's gonna push me out into the cold! NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT!

(He starts whacking so recklessly and with such energy, DeMartino pauses to watch with amazement. Finally he comes over and shakes Jake so hard, he finally drops the broomstick.)

DeMARTINO: Just be careful to destroy only the CRAPPY junk. Leave the quality stuff alone.

JAKE: (apologetic) Oh... of course. (He glances down to look at the damage he's done, then notices all of the shiny, twisted objects on the ground.) Hey yeah: I couldn't destroy this stuff. It would make a great addition to my sculpture!

(DeMartino's eye bulges significantly at his remark; obviously he had not expected Jake to truly like the junk yard. Finally he groans and shakes his head.)

DeMARTINO: You are a very STRANGE man, I have to say. When I suggested this outing, a part of me HOPED you'd say no. Figured your suburban upper class LEXUS-driving sensibilities would be offended.

JAKE: Oh, but they are.

DeMARTINO: But you came ANYWAY. Which seriously makes me consider your SANITY, as that must mean you came to be with ME.

JAKE: Wh-what's wrong with that??

DeMARTINO: BECAUSE everyone else either hates or pities me. The fact that you don't means that you are either a complete IDIOT, or you have the tolerance of a DEAD person. So which is it?

JAKE: (almost apologetic) Well gee... I don't know. I mean maybe it's because you're the one guy I've met in our crappy town who reminds me of me.

DeMARTINO: (still skeptical) Did YOU by chance grow up with a selfish FLOOZY mother and a selfish BASTARD father who walked out on your family when you were TEN, leaving you with UNSPEAKABLE RAGE??!

JAKE: Uh, not really.

DeMARTINO: (not hearing him) Then survive nearly getting your ASS blown off in Nam, only to marry some COCKTAIL waitress for six MONTHS and watch her drain you of your PIDDLING savings to go across country with your only kid to be a SOAP star! Forcing you to be the CAREtaker of pampered rich BRATS day in and day out in order to break EVEN??!

JAKE: Hmm, no.

DeMARTINO: (grunting) Which is why I get a little DEFENSIVE when I see people have had an easier time than me. Like that preppy PHELPS.

JAKE: (with sympathy) Yeah. I may not've had the same crap as you had growing up, but I did have crap, and it's still with me to this day. (As he speaks, he starts picking up junk pieces.) Everyone acts like you're just s'posed to shrug it off, don't they??

DeMARTINO: Do they EVER.

JAKE: (picking up more pieces, angry falsetto) "Forget it, that's not who you are now, quit whining." (puts the junk pieces in a pile, lays his jacket down on the ground and starts piling them in.) They don't get that you can't just let it go! It's there, cluttering up your mind! (voice takes on an overly-dramatic edge.) Rotting INSIDE you, making everyday life a struggle!

DeMARTINO: (grudgingly impressed) And HOW.

JAKE: (tying up the sleeves of his coat to make a bundle) 'Til all you can do hope that some day, somehow you'll get your head together enough to know how to build your way out of it. (hoists the junk bundle onto his back, then stumbles backward a little -- the bundle is heavier than expected.)

DeMARTINO: AMEN to that. (hint of a smirk.) Y'know Jake old PAL, you may be RIGHT about us being alike.

JAKE: Thanks! (cheeks glowing.) Gosh, I don't hear that too often.

DeMARTINO: (grumbling) So I suppose I should build MY way out by focusing on being a namby-PAMBY goody TWO shoes at the school, lest I give Phelps the satisFACTION of seeing me get FIRED.

JAKE: Yeah, sure. (Bt) Or what about revenge? Find something about 'im that would make him look bad, and threaten to expose him if he ever suggests you should get the axe. (Bt., hesitant) Only don't let him know that was my idea. My kid's been getting help from him in math...

(Beat. DeMartino's faintly sadistic smirk widens.)

DeMARTINO: Risky... time-consuming... disHONEST... I love it.

JAKE: Wow, you do?? (grins at his good fortune -- he's on a roll today.) Geez, I wish I could sound this good when I'm talking to my wife.

DeMARTINO: (eye bulging) MORE trouble in paradise?

JAKE: Well I've been keeping her away from Greg for the past few weeks now. Funny thing is, even though I don't think he's a threat anymore, things still don't feel quite right. (face gets a bit glum.) The more time Helen and I spend together, the less we say anything. The more she gets mad at me.

DeMARTINO: Well now that you've got her where you WANT her, maybe you could CONVINCE her to quit that damn class so things can go back to normal.

JAKE: Yeah, I probably could! (Bt) Except I'm not sure I want to now. I'm kind of starting to get into it...

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Greg's art class, following week)

(Shot of the community center. Cut to shot of Greg watching something off screen, his brow knitted and a hand on his temple. Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, at work on a sculpture, possibly the same one they had already started. It has now grown to be very odd-looking: ill-formed, lop-sided, looking on the verge of collapse. It has been crammed with so many odds and ends, it's actually caused a rupture in part of the piece. Helen continues to work on smoothing around the sides, putting in the odd ripple here and there, yet her fatigued expression is telling. Jake, meanwhile, continues to add junk pieces to the framework, but mostly on his side, for Helen keeps giving him cross looks whenever he starts applying some to the other side. He looks as though he wants to be having fun, but is tentative instead. A strained silence hangs in the air above them. Finally:)

HELEN: Dammit, Jake!

JAKE: (whiny fatigued) What??

HELEN: (almost too tired to say it) Why can't you just work with the clay?? Why do you have to keep piling all that (wrinkles her nose at the rusted objects from the junk yard.) garbage on top of it??

JAKE: But Helen, it's not garbage. Look how cool some of this stuff is! (takes a pair of broken goggles and puts them over his eyes. A trail of ants starts to make his way down his wrist, which Helen spies.)

HELEN: (repulsed) It's one thing to put a few decorative objects around the side of the structure --

JAKE: (desperate, whiny) But Helen look! See how all these different things fit together like they were meant for each other?? It kind of puts life into perspective, doesn't it??

HELEN: Not from where I'm standing. If you ask me, those things are just covering over what's at the heart of the structure, which is the clay! God, you act as though you're afraid of it.

(Meanwhile, several students have gathered round to observe the quickly escalating argument, which seems to be about more than just the choice of medium.)

JAKE: (defensive) I'm not! What do you like so much about the damn clay anyway?!

HELEN: Dammit, when we agreed to work on this sculpture --

JAKE: Well then I don't wanna work on this stupid thing anymore!

(Helen is stung by his words. She's used to Jake throwing the occasional hissy fit at home, but had assumed they'd be on better terms in art class. Still, she tries to keep a positive spin on things.)

HELEN: All... right. Fine. Then maybe we could try... (Bt., frowns) Jake, what are you doing??

(Jake has already set up another wooden base and is starting to put his junk creation together, like Legos.)

HELEN: I thought we agreed we were going to be working in this class together.

JAKE: (looking at her curiously) But I meant that one project. I didn't mean the whole damn class.

HELEN: (very irritated) Now Jake, I specifically remember we said --

JAKE: No, you said! You've been telling me what to do this whole time and I'm sick of it!

(He moves his base over a little more and works on it defiantly, his back turned to Helen a little.)

HELEN: (outraged and hurt) Oh yes, it's my fault! How could I have been so blind?! (to an invisible person.) I'm The Lawyer, so of COURSE I'm cold-blooded, nasty, and completely domineering! And I'll never be any other way!! (watches Jake at work, her face falling a little, and adds softly.) At least you seem to think so.

(She watches a few seconds longer, then sighs and walks slowly over to the supply room to get new materials. Before entering the room, she turns her head back in Jake's direction. Cut to shot of him from her POV: a small group of students continue to observe him with interest. Jake, seeing the audience, starts getting more into it and acting like a showman. He holds each piece up and pretends it's something else, and makes a joke about it, before trying to figure out how it fits in place. Resume shot of Helen. As she watches, her face takes on a look of wonder and sadness. She doesn't see Greg coming up behind her.)

HELEN: (muttering) He'll make an idiot of himself, I just know it.

GREG: So let him make an idiot of himself. It's how he'll learn.

HELEN: Oh Greg! Hello. (She turns to him with her usual cheery "Everything's-super-duper" smile.) Why I haven't seen you at all since the beginning of class! What have you been up to?? (Yet one more look at Greg and she realizes he knows what happened, so there's no use pretending. Her smile fades.)

GREG: (touching her arm lightly) So you two don't work on this project together. There's always the next one.

HELEN: I suppose. (Pause. frustrated, quiet.) But you don't understand... this was supposed to be our chance for communication. Away from the pressures of home and... everything. (chokes these last few words out.) Now there aren't any more excuses.

(Beat. Seeing how down Helen looks, Greg reaches over and puts his hands on her shoulders.)

GREG: Helen, if I recall, you started going to this class for a different reason, didn't you? To expand yourself? (Pause. Helen glances at his hands on her shoulders, but makes no effort to remove them. She raises a brow and nods vaguely.) To enjoy yourself?

(Beat)

HELEN: (sighing, nodding) Right.

GREG: And if you don't mind my saying so: you haven't seemed happy for a long time.

HELEN: (half-smiling, touched he was paying attention) Maybe so. (In her more assertive, confident tone.) Well I'm sure everything will work itself out. It always does.

GREG: Yep.

(Helen looks at him as he removes his hands from her shoulders, trying to get a read on him to see if she can tell more. Finally she chuckles hard.)

HELEN: (smiling, rolling her eyes) Although it's funny. Nothing quite seems to want to fall into place the way it used to.

GREG: Oh?

HELEN: I... (For one moment she looks away, then she looks back at Greg and laughs a little, as if trying to make light of everything.)

GREG: (gently) Telling me's not going to make it any worse, remember?

HELEN: (rolls her eyes) Hmph... that's the same thing I tell my girls. Who'd've thought my own advice would fly up and hit me in the face?? (Pause. She lowers her eyes and speaks in a very low voice.) I, um, lost a case yesterday.

(This obviously pains her, so for a few moments she doesn't speak, and Greg doesn't press.)

HELEN: (disgusted tone) It's not that I've never lost before. I've just (bitter chuckle.) never lost this badly before. I don't know what it means. (Then, hastily:) Not that I won't figure it out. I'm sure I just need to put in that extra burst of effort and I'll blow the opposing side away next time. This wasn't a setback, it was a wake-up call: I'll work on my delivery, my strategy for locating the witnesses, my...

(Greg nods silently. Helen looks at him again, her words dying. A rueful smile spreads across her lips.)

HELEN: Damn it. I liked it when I believed I had life under control.

(Cut to shot of Jake. He's paused in his sculpting and is now looking at Helen and Greg off screen. His face takes on a stunned, disquieted look.)

JAKE: (panicked VO) Dammit, why did I have to get mad at her like that?! Why couldn't I have just pretended to like the stupid clay?! She pulled away just like I knew she would, and that Greg moved right in on her!

DeMARTINO: (VO) So did you finally decide to POUND 'im into the dirt??

JAKE: (VO) You bet I did!

(Jake gets an angry, determined scowl on his face and makes a fist. He does a practice punch, then another, taking a step forward. Then on his third practice punch, he accidentally gets his hand stuck in a large piece of pipe that he was using as part of his junk pile.)

JAKE: Or at least I would've if I hadn't gotten my good hand caught.

(Irately, Jake flings his arm up and down in the air, trying to shake the pipe loose. He then tries pulling it off, which doesn't help. He looks around for other people to help him, but seeing his angry expression, the other students keep their distance. Finally, after a couple of times banging on the table, Jake lets his arm go limp. He looks back at Helen and Greg off screen. Cut to brief shot of them talking silently from his POV. Resume shot of Jake, who gets a defeated expression on his face, slumps over.)

(Cut to shot of him sitting at McGrundy's beside DeMartino, who looks as though he's downed quite a few. Jake sits behind him, nursing a beer, looking gloomy.)

JAKE: But it doesn't matter. I've spent weeks in that class and she still likes him. Nothing I've done's made her change her mind! (more miserable.) She likes him better... she's gotta like him better. 'Cause what is there about me that's better than a guy like him?? I'm just a big screw-up. He's a good-looking, sensitive... (face darkens.) rotten JERK!

(DeMartino burps loudly in response.)

DeMARTINO: ExCUSE me. (wipes his mouth.) Your problems appear to be ESCalating at a rapid rate. Maybe I'M not the person you should talk to about this.

(Beat)

JAKE: (nodding slowly with realization) Yeah. You're right.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Lane residence, later that evening)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (off screen VO) Mr. Morgendorffer, I'm reeeeally not the one you should be talking to about this.

(Cut to shot of Jane leaning against the kitchen counter, phone to her ear. She wears a "Why me??" expression, and every so often, glances behind her at the door.)

JANE: I suck in the relationship department -- just ask my boyfriend.

(Split screen showing Jake in a phone booth, where his call couldn't possibly be picked up by a member of his family. He looks panicked.)

JAKE: But you gotta help me out, Jane-o! You're the only other person I know who's been in that class as long as Helen!

JANE: (resigned to help) Not every class, but yeah. And trust me: from what I've seen, her interaction with Greg has been completely harmless. Nothing that's ascended to the petting and groping stage.

JAKE: AGH!

JANE: Whoops -- didn't mean to plant that image in your head. Look, they're friends, nothing more.

JAKE: (mildly relieved) Oh. Okay, then. (Bt. a little worried.) But what if that friendship leads somewhere?!

JANE: (putting a hand to her forehead) Look, I'm not a psychic, Mr. M-- (as she's glancing off screen.)

(Cut to wide shot of the Lane kitchen. Daria has just walked through the door and is casually opening the refrigerator door, looking for any sign of edible food.)

JANE: (more anxious) I really have to go now.

JAKE: No! Jane, please!

(Jane groans, and looks at Daria, who is examining a bottle of unidentifiable liquid, her eyes narrowed.)

JANE: I'm telling you, I'm really bad at... (She squeezes her eyes shut, caught between a rock and a hard place. Suddenly she gets an idea. After glancing in Daria's direction once more, she says in a hushed tone.) but hey, let me ask Trent. Don't worry, I won't let him know it's you. (covers the phone with her hand.)

DARIA: (deadpan) You and Tom exchanging love whispers? (disdainful expression.) Don't worry: I have better things to do than listen in.

JANE: No actually, it's Trent on the phone needing advice. Seems like he's caught in some nasty love triangle where his, um, girlfriend is always talking with this other guy and acting really comfortable with him, more so than with Trent. Now he's worried his girlfriend and the other guy might hook up. What do you think he should do?

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) What makes you think I'd know?

JANE: Hey, you're sensible-minded. Surely you know how to think your way through this crap.

DARIA: (nods, conceding) Well for starters, just because the woman has another friend doesn't mean the relationship's about to crumble. She's gonna have interests that Trent doesn't have that this other guy might naturally share.

JANE: Yeah. (uncovers the receiver, to Jake) So she can talk about some stuff with him more easily than with you. No big deal. You can't expect that you'll be everything to her, and vice versa.

DARIA: Unless, of course, his girlfriend devotes an inordinate amount of time to this guy. Which could mean she instinctively trusts him to respect her opinions more than Trent. Which would not be good.

JAKE: (from the receiver) Does Trent have a cold, or something?

JANE: (cringing, realizing she left the phone uncovered) Um, yeah. Makes him practically sound like a girl.

JAKE: So what'd he say??

JANE: That if she's telling him everything, that means a big zero for you in the trust department.

(Cut to shot of Jake in the booth, plunking another quarter into the phone. He nods slowly, a look of depression and panic griping him. Resume shot of Jane and Daria. Jane covers the receiver once again.)

DARIA: The exception, of course, is if their whole relationship is mired in routine. They might find a million things wrong with each other, but as long as they're too lazy to break from their daily rituals -- which in Trent's case, is highly likely -- they'll never split up. Never.

JANE: Wow, really?

DARIA: I speak from experience. (cocks an eyelid.) Just look at my parents.

JANE: Um, yeah. (hushed, into the receiver.) Did you get that? Trent says that if your relationship is based on routine, it's gonna survive no matter what.

(Cut to split screen with Jake. His face immediately lights up. He pumps a fist, then tosses the phone in the air and catches it.)

JAKE: Whoo-HOOOOOOO! That's great Jane-o! GOD, what a relief!

JANE: So don't worry about how much or how little talking is going on between those two. You guys will grow old and grey together. (Bt) Unless, of course, you had different expectations for your relationship.

JAKE: (joy fading a little) Wha-what do you mean??

JANE: (shrugging) Well... if you'd gone in wanting it to be based on talking and caring about each other's problems.

JAKE: A-and if we did??

JANE: (reassuring, but firm) Then I think you'd better head back to the drawing board. (face brightens.) Hey, that wasn't so bad! Maybe I can actually handle giving advice on relationships.

DARIA: (off screen, deadpan) You Venus of Lawndale, you.

JANE: So hang in there, Mr. M -- (catches herself just in time.) Mister. I'm sure things'll work out.

JAKE: (wan enthusiasm) Okay Jane-o. Thanks again! (He hangs up the phone.)

(Cut to full screen. Jake slumps against the side of the booth.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Greg's art class, early next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jake standing in the hallway of the community center. The art room door is locked and Jake looks impatient and worried: he had obviously hoped that he'd be able to catch Greg in the midst of one of his classes, and now he might not come at all. Just as he's all but given up hope and starts to leave: )

GREG: (off screen) Jake?

(Jake swerves around. Greg walks up to him from the other end of the hallway, coffee cup in hand.)

GREG: (friendly, perplexed) What are you doing here? You're still taking the Tuesday class, aren't you? (Bt) Did you need to discuss something?

JAKE: (hate-filled gleam in his eyes) GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Dissolve to a short time later. Jake and Greg are inside the empty classroom. Greg is setting up for his next class, while Jake sits slumped over on a stool, nursing a hand wrapped in ice.)

JAKE: (subdued) I can't tell you how sorry I am. I didn't even come here to fight with you.

GREG: I'd apologize to the maintenance staff instead. They're the ones who'll have to replace the door. (Jake chuckles with embarrassment.) Believe it or not, Jake, I've been in your shoes before. Jealousy's not an emotion you can keep bottled up for very long.

JAKE: You've got that right. (feels an eensy bit more kinship toward his rival.) And so now that I know you're not -- you know -- I just wanted to ask when it all started. (uncomfortable.) What kinds of things do you say to her that make her so happy?

GREG: (sympathetic) First of all, Jake, I'm sure what Helen sees in me is nothing compared to what she sees in you. Whatever your problems, she obviously loves you. (Jake reddens with pleasure when he hears this.) As for when we first started talking... well, I'd guess it was back when we were in Amanda Lane's sculpting class. (He casually strolls around the classroom as he talks.) Helen left an impression on me from the very beginning: the most tense, perfectionistic, time-obsessed woman I'd ever met.

JAKE: (chuckling) Yeah. She's like that at home.

GREG: I thought: here is a woman with a story to tell.

JAKE: She does that at home, too. (He laughs as he thinks of the many work-related stories Helen has dished out over the dinner table.)

GREG: (seeming to not be listening) But you know what really drew me to her? (stops suddenly and turns to Jake.) Her sculptures.

JAKE: (stunned) Really? (He glances with disbelief at a few of them sitting in the corner.)

(Greg beckons him to take a closer look at them. Jake hops off the stool and follows. Cut to close-up of the sculptures as Greg speaks.)

GREG: In all the classes I've ever taught, only a handful of students took to sculpting with the intensity that Helen has. It's almost as though it's allowing her to release feelings she's barely aware of. (He trances a finger along the surface of the sculpture we recognize as the "giant asparagus.") Look at how much she was able to do with just the clay alone.

(Pan over the most minute details of the sculpture: lines that swirl in every direction, dizzying for the eye to follow, spikes, odd-shaped bumps that at first could be mistaken for a lack of finesse in molding the clay, but upon closer inspection look like large beetles. Cut to shot of Jake, gazing at the sculpture with his mouth partially open, trying to take in the meaning.)

GREG: (shaking his head, faint awe) Nothing she creates would be at home on your living room coffee table. It's all ugly stuff. Ugly and dark. There is a lot of fear in that woman. A lot of pain and anger that she just doesn't reveal. (glances at Jake.) Except maybe to those closest to her.

(Jake is dumbfounded for several moments. But when he regains his senses, he chuckles with mild scorn.)

JAKE: But how can you tell all that stuff from a bunch of lines?? (vaguely accusing.) Maybe that's just what you want to see, pal! Maybe she didn't mean anything by it at all! She could just be a lousy sculptor.

GREG: (vague reproach) Do you feel like nothing you've sculpted has meaning for you? (points in the direction of Jake's junk sculpture.)

JAKE: (chuckling, uncomfortable) Well... um... no. It's just some stuff I threw together. (grudging.) That I spent hours looking for in a junkyard. (Bt. with more realization.) That I took a lot of trouble with. Heck, I even thought of forgoing my evening newspaper to play around with that thing. (Bt) So... yeah. I guess it does have meaning for me!

GREG: You see??

JAKE: Yeah! But that still doesn't mean all that stuff you see in my wife's sculptures is there. I mean she'd have to be really sneaky to keep that anger and stuff a secret from everybody.

GREG: Or in denial. It was that thought that got me talking to her. (smiles softly.) She fascinated me... she was such an enigma. I just kept thinking: who is this woman? What's driving her?

JAKE: (blinking hard with disbelief that he's talking about Helen, and not sure he likes it) A-and?

GREG: (chuckles a little) Well at first when we started talking, she'd kind of puff herself up with talk about how great she was doing at her job, and how devoted a mother she tried to be. (Jake nods knowingly.) Until one day I asked her... let me see, what did I ask her?? Oh, right: "So what do you do when you're not at your job or with your family?" Said it kind of jokingly -- but it seemed to strike a chord inside of her. (shrugs.) From that day on, she seemed to open up a little more. Though it's not easy for her, I can tell. She still acts as though a bolt of lightning will strike her dead if she admits a little weakness.

JAKE: Um, er... yeah.

GREG: So that's it. That's my big secret. I ask your wife nosey questions about her life. (looks a trifle embarrassed.) Though I make sure to keep enough of a distance.

JAKE: (confused, frustrated) Wait a minute, wait just a minute! You're telling me that's what makes her so happy to be with you?? You ask her about stuff she doesn't want to talk about??

(Beat)

GREG: (shrugging) That's the only explanation I can think of.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (Lawndale High, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of the dimly-lit hallway and the open door of Phelps's classroom. Zoom in slowly.)

PHELPS: (off screen, sounding triumphant) This is what she's laid out for me...

(Cut to shot of the inside. Phelps sits at his desk gazing at some papers, while a similarly well-dressed man, with whom he seems intimately acquainted, leans over him.)

PHELPS: Starting next year, there will be a slow phase-out of Phys Ed, then Economics the following year, then European and American History will be merged into one class. But funding for Mathematics and Computer Science will increase. Not to mention security... she seems very big on that for some reason.

MAN: (warmly) Congratulations, Alfie! That's everything you wanted.

(Phelps smiles. But his smile slowly fades and turns into a dark frown at the sound of shoes tapping across the floor. Pan over to show DeMartino walking in, smirking and clicking off a hand-held tape recorder.)

(Cut to wide shot. Phelps makes a motion to protest, his expression stating, "You can't prove I had anything to do with these decisions!" In reply DeMartino's smirk reads, "I can't prove you didn't either." Phelps gets a weak look on his face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (driving home)

(Shot of Jake's Lexus traveling down a residential street. Cut to shot of the inside. As Jake drives, he wears a glum, preoccupied expression.)

JAKE: (thought VO) The only explanation he can think of?? No way, that doesn't make sense! (He gets a scowl on his face and clutches the steering wheel tighter with his uninjured hand.) Well I can think of other reasons she'd act so happy to be with him. (Some pain gets intermixed with the scowl.) Starting with his bulging biceps and working my way up to his goddamn wavy hair!

(Cut to shot of the outside. Jake's car is now going much faster than the recommended speed limit. Dogs and children scramble to get out of his way. Resume shot of Jake driving.)

JAKE: (miserable) I don't think I can go home and face her right now. (slumps down.) Why'd I have to go into that bastard's classroom, anyway?? Why couldn't I've gotten hit by lightning and gone deaf before listening in on her conversations with him?? (slumps down lower.) I wish everything was how it used to be.

(Cut to shot of the outside. Jake's car has just reached the house, where we see Helen's SUV already parked. Cut to shot of Jake. He remains paralyzed in his seat for several seconds, not wanting to get out. Cut to shot of the outside. Finally his car pulls up and parks in the driveway.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer house, after dinner)

(Shot of Jake sitting on a kitchen stool in the foreground, holding his "World's Greatest Dad" cup in his left hand because he's concealed his injured right one. He's watching Helen shout into her cell phone to another attorney while sitting at the table.)

HELEN: Dammit, do you honestly think that just because you've phoned seven times already, I'm going to accept that offer??! I've told you, and I will spell it out, if I must --!

(Cut to close-up of Jake.)

JAKE: (thought VO, sneering imitation of Greg) "Oh boy, she's an enigma. She has deeeep dark issues she's not sharing." Well that's sure as hell not what I see!

(Cut to shot of Helen, red-faced and angry.)

HELEN: All right, fine! O-U-R O-F-F-E-R--!

(Cut to close-up of Jake.)

JAKE: (thought VO) She doesn't act like she's hiding anything! And if she is, why didn't she ever tell me?! So much for her wanting communication! (face more solemn.) Dammit, why did that Greg jerk make me feel like I'm looking at my wife for the first time?

(Cut to wide shot. Helen hangs up the phone decisively and emits a loud groan. Jake instantly gets a nervous look. He opens his mouth slowly, not wanting to ask what's been on his mind, yet feeling he can't hold it in any longer.)

JAKE: Um, honey --?

HELEN: (still incensed) Honest to GOD, he has got to be THE most moronic human being in the UNIVERSE! Wasting MY time going BACK and forth, back and FORTH over details that WILL NOT CHANGE!! Well the NEXT time he calls, I'm going to TELL him -- (She glances in Jake's direction, sees that he's cowering. Her harsh tone instantly softens.) Jake, honey, did you want to say something to me?

JAKE: (whimpering) I can't talk to you when you're like this.

(Helen gets a contrite look on her face, takes a deep breath and exhales slowly.)

HELEN: Jakey, I'm sorry. I'm feeling a lot calmer now. What did you want to say?

(Fade-out. Fade-in to close-up of Helen, a short time later. She's gazing downward, wearing that sort of dull expression she had on after getting chewed out in "Psycho Therapy.")

HELEN: (weary, edging on sarcastic) You know I suspected you thought Greg was a rival for my affections. Maybe it was the way you'd act so livid whenever I said his name.

(Cut to wide shot. She and Jake are both in the basement, where their chances of being heard are minimal. Helen sits at the base of the steps, hugging her knees, while Jake stands against the wall, a short distance away. At these last words, Jake gets an apologetic look on his face.)

HELEN: (flinging a hand upward in exasperation) But I gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you were more interested in spending time with me than in competing with him. (rolls her eyes.) My mistake: since when have you done anything that satisfied someone else's needs above your own??

(Jake's head droops a little. He knows that he can't really defend himself against Helen's chastising remarks right now.)

HELEN: Well no: I was never attracted to Greg in that way. (burst of anger.) And the fact that you would even think I was must mean...! (She can't finish what she was saying, it's too loathsome to her. Instead she looks at Jake with an unmistakably hurt expression.)

JAKE: (rushing over and trying to hug her) Honey, honey! I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry! Jakey's just a big idiot, like you said! I was just so scared... I didn't want to lose you! But I'll know better from now on, I promise!

HELEN: (pulling away from him a little, subdued) You don't trust me at all, do you?

JAKE: (panicked) No-no! I do trust you! It's him I didn't trust! I mean, I mean --

HELEN: (sick of it) Jake, just stop. (angrier) Dammit, you never even once told me how you felt.

JAKE: B-but what would that have done?? You just got angry now when I told you.

(Beat)

HELEN: I don't know. (groans softly.) Look, we obviously have problems that won't be solved by us shouting at each other down here. We should approach them constructively, which means finding a therapist --

JAKE: (whiny) Not another therapist! (Catches Helen's evil eye.) I mean yeah, a therapist! Great idea, sweetheart!

HELEN: (not fooled) Jake, can't you even stick to your guns when you're disagreeing with me??

JAKE: Yes. No. I don't know. (gets a mortified look.) Can't we just go upstairs and forget about this??

(long Pause. Helen just looks at him, her face taking on an ill expression.)

HELEN: (softly, with disbelief) Things really haven't changed since the weekend of my mother's anniversary party, have they? You're that afraid of me.

JAKE: NO, honey!

HELEN: (face puckers slightly, but voice remains even-toned) You still think that I would just mow you over if I got angry enough. I'm not your wife (sharp chuckle.) I'm... some... lawyer bully you have to live with.

(Her face puckers a little more. She turns her face to the side so Jake can't see it. Jake watches her, guilty and frustrated, wanting to hug her, but his arms feeling big and clumsy at his sides. At the same time, he feels as though it's not right that he should be blamed for everything. In spite of himself, it comes through in his tone.)

JAKE: (defensive) Well what d' you expect when I never see you any other way?? And boy wouldn't I've liked to, because maybe then I wouldn't feel so DUMB all the time!! Ohhh, but I guess looking weak means you wouldn't always have the upper-hand then, wouldn't it? (Meanwhile Helen has turned around and is watching him expressionlessly.) Or maybe you just expect Jakey to be able to read your mind like your wonderful Greg!

HELEN: (stunned) You spoke to Greg about this?

JAKE: (voice taking on a sarcastic edge) You bet I did! He said he's your big confidante. That he makes you happy by asking you stuff that makes you miserable! Boyyy, I wish I'd known that a long time ago!

HELEN: (quiet) So do I.

JAKE: Huh??

(Fade-out. Fade-in to continuation of the same scene, only now at some empty cafe, looking on the verge of closing for the night. Having escaped the claustrophobia of the basement, Helen and Jake are seated in a booth at the far corner, sipping coffee. Both look uncomfortable, like they don't want to be discussing this, but it's beyond their control.)

HELEN: (quiet) I've always wanted to talk with you that way. But somehow... (glances down briefly to stir in some cream.) Maybe I was always too busy, or... (looks at Jake, irritation enters her tone.) maybe it's because you never so much as hinted that you were capable of listening.

(While she's been speaking, Jake has been playing with his cup because he feels so uncomfortable. Helen assumes he's not paying attention.)

HELEN: (groaning) Well we'll discuss all that in therapy, I suppose.

(Jake nods slowly and continues to fiddle with his cup, until a thought hits him. He looks up, his face brightening.)

JAKE: Wait, honey! I just realized something!

HELEN: (startled) What??

JAKE: I can listen! I've been doing it with Tony DeMartino for the past month!

HELEN: The girls' history teacher?? (disbelief.) But he's so...

JAKE: (dismissing) Aw, he's just like that at first. But before I knew it, he was telling me all his problems and I was helping him! (proud expression.) Boy, you should have seen me! (looks at Helen, who responds to his enthusiasm with a faint smile.) And if I can get that close to somebody in just a month, sure I could start listening to you, who I've been married to for years! Right??

(Beat)

HELEN: Um, right. (nods slowly, as though she still doesn't know what to make of it, speaks in a soft tone.) One month, hmm? That's... very impressive.

JAKE: Yeah! So don't you see -- (puts his hand over hers.) now that I know what you want me to do, and I know how to do what you want me to do, we shouldn't have any more problems! (voice deepens in a near- Elvis tone.) We could pretend like things are the way they were when we first got married.

(Beat)

HELEN: Yes. I suppose we could. (a little uncomfortable.) Although I'm not so sure confiding in your drinking buddy is comparable to sharing to your wife. Our issues are probably much more complex and, um, difficult to get a handle on. (sees Jake's enthusiasm waning a tad, responds with a faint, encouraging smile.) But it is a step in the right direction.

JAKE: It is?? That's great! (Impulsively, he stands up and hugs her across the table.) So... is all forgiven??

(Beat)

HELEN: All's forgiven.

(She leans her head against his chest and closes her eyes. The expression on her face suggests that she would like to be happy, but that something is preventing her.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 8 (Greg's art class, the next evening)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Greg walking through the door, pausing to examine its hinges, which are still busted due to the door's encounter with Jake's fist. He then turns to look inside the darkened room, his face registering surprise. Cut to shot of the rack where the sculptures are normally on display. We see Helen, looking as though she's come from work, putting one of her sculptures on a trolley, where a couple of others already sit. She acts as though she's expected to be alone. Yet when she sees Greg, she looks surprised for only an instant before a hardened no-nonsense expression slides into place. Greg walks toward her, but somehow senses he should not approach her all the way.)

GREG: (jokingly) You really can't get enough of my teaching, can you? First your husband comes before class starts, now you.

HELEN: (cool) Oh, I think I have had quite enough. (Bt) I'm quitting. I only came to pick up my sculptures.

GREG: (smile fading from his face) That's too bad. Helen, it's not because of --

HELEN: (pausing to look him straight in the eye) No. Greg. (Her tone of voice tells him she knows about his encounter with Jake.) I just feel that this class has outlived its usefulness; I really should invest my free time in making my marriage as strong as it can possibly be. (She turns to lift another sculpture, her eyes carefully averted.) There were... too many distractions here. People... bright lights... too much stress.

GREG: You'll still continue to sculpt on your own, though, won't you?

(Beat)

HELEN: I doubt it.

(Greg's face takes on an unreadable expression, while Helen moves over to pick up another sculpture. Her eye catches the junk sculpture Jake was working on, and she pauses to study it for several seconds.)

HELEN: (murmuring to herself) This is coming along nicely. Quite nicely. (Just then, a light seems to die inside of her, and her shoulders perceptively slump.)

GREG: Is something wrong?

HELEN: No. (She remains with her back turned for several seconds, determined to stick by her pledge to stop talking to Greg at the expense of her husband. But given the weight of what's she been feeling since the night before, and the fact that Greg has always been a good confidante, she realizes she can't hold it in.) Yes.

(She turns around to face Greg, her eyes still tilted toward the sculpture. Greg sits on a stool nearby.)

HELEN: (quiet) When Jake and I first got married, he was still this... scared little boy who needed to be protected. I thought I could help him grow up. But as years passed, nothing I did seemed to work. I kept thinking, though, that if I tried a little harder, attended this seminar or found that therapist or (brief smile.) spent time with him in a sculpting class... he would learn. (Pause) But somewhere along the way, I must have lost touch with him. Otherwise it wouldn't have just hit me that he has learned. (face saddens.) Or maybe he always knew.

GREG: What makes you say that?

HELEN: (shrugging) In the twenty-four years we've been together, he's barely shown the maturity to stay awake during a conversation with me, yet he can become the confidante of some cold-hearted friend of his in no time at all.

GREG: So?

HELEN: So you don't see a problem??

GREG: (smiling) It sounds to me like you're comparing two very different things. You can't equate a friendship, like what he has or what you and I have had, with a marriage.

HELEN: (smiling a little in return, relieved to have her own thoughts echoed back at her) I suppose not. (straightens up.) I mean really, I don't know why that hit me so hard when Jake first told me. I should just be happy he has a friend -- and I am. And I should just accept the fact that our marriage is in nothing more than one of those little slumps that all long relationships sink into.

GREG: (nodding) Sure.

HELEN: (emboldened) We'll work our way out of it. We've already started to. (She's about to resume her activities, when again she looks at Jake's statue. Her smile fades.) But it's not just recently that Jake and I stopped com... (lowers her eyes, shakes her head slowly with pained realization.) We haven't... we never... we...

GREG: (coming closer, soothing) Shhhh, it's all right.

HELEN: (sounding shaken) Which is why when Jake told me about what a great friend he was to this man, I started thinking: maybe he's always been mature enough to connect to other people. (Bt) I'm just not one of them.

GREG: Now Helen, sweetheart, don't talk that way. You and your husband love each other and that is final.

HELEN: (miserable) I know. I don't want to think about it, but I can't help it.

(Almost as soon as she utters these words, Greg is beside her, offering his arms in a hug. Helen doesn't hesitate to sink against him and grip him tightly, as though she's trying to prevent him, or something from slipping away. Their embrace tightens. After several seconds pass, Helen impulsively lifts her head and finds her lips touching Greg's. For several more seconds they linger in the kiss, until the magnitude of their action hits Helen at full force. She pulls away from Greg with one forceful movement, and after exchanging stunned looks with him, gets an expression on her face that suggests she would like to punch his lights out. But as the significance of their kiss continues to seep in, she realizes she was as much to blame for the betrayal of their friendship as he was. An expression of horror grips her face, and she quickly exits the room, leaving her sculptures behind.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (McGrundy's, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of DeMartino, looking triumphant. Zoom out to show him sitting at the bar besides Jake. He leans over and clicks Jake's mug hard with his own, forcing liquid to spill out of the top of both.)

DeMARTINO: So in exchange for my SILENCE, Phelps agreed to refuse some of the perks that were COMING to him, and to argue voCIFEROUSLY in my defense if ever my name got a bad rap in the teacher's lounge. (cackles.) Those students and faculty whom I supposedly HATE don't realize the favor I just did them.

JAKE: Way to go, big guy! That's just great. And things are finally starting to go right for me and Helen.

DeMARTINO: Ah, good. (slaps Jake on the back before taking a swig of beer.)

JAKE: (quiet, more to himself) I think we're gonna be okay.

THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "Shout" by Tears for Fears]

COMMENTARY

There were no clever puns on other titles this time around, but in the "Daria" tradition, this title has a double meaning. I've seen the words "an uneasy marriage" refer to the combination of two very different things, and that could be applied to Jake and Helen.

Those two have different philosophies, different baggage, and different approaches, all of which were brought out in the ways each approached sculpting. Coming into this fanfic, I wanted to do two things: find an angle having to do with their marriage that hadn't been covered yet, and suggest that even though Helen and Jake love each other, that is not necessarily enough to sustain a marriage. Both tasks posed something of a challenge, #1 more than #2. There have been Helen-and-Jake-fight-and-reconcile fics before. Some have even centered around terrible betrayals of trust, such as Helen getting pregnant with Daria and Quinn by men other than Jake. I tried desperately not to tread in their territory too much (though some was inevitable) in order to cover the core issue of their interaction as a couple, which hasn't really been touched upon. Many fanfics seem to skip over it in order to emphasize that Helen and Jake love each other, that love conquers all, and that they'll try harder to make their marriage work. But again, is that enough?

It's not if you go by the Daria definition of what a relationship should be, as noted in the TV movie, "Is It Fall Yet?" She states that the key to knowing whether someone is right for you is if (approx.) "you share the same interests, if you can hold a conversation with that person for more than two minutes without getting bored." That's how she comes to realize (after dumping him) that Tom deserves another chance. Now I never intended for "An Uneasy Marriage" to specifically address Daria's statement (as I had the fic planned out long ago), but I do happen to be of the same mind. And my opinion is that if Helen and Jake view relationships the way Daria does, theirs is in serious danger of crashing and burning.

Which is a fact that they -- or at least Jake -- do not seem too aware of on the show. And I don't know if the writers will ever enlighten them. I can't tell if they intended "Psycho Therapy" to be Helen's wake-up call that she had to be a more attentive spouse, or the hanky-panky in "Fire!" and "Is It Fall Yet?" to mean that Helen and Jake really do have a strong marriage. Perhaps neither of them has the high expectations for their relationship that Daria has. Except... then why would Helen invest so much time looking for therapists and couples retreats? She has said frequently that she wishes the "spice" were back in the marriage, yet that has little to do with "spice" -- i.e. romance and sexual energy. And if those were all she wanted, then she should have been content with the hanky-panky in the cabin in "Antisocial Climbers." But given her absolute insistence that she and Jake bond in that episode ("No whistling! We're supposed to be bonding!"), it's obvious that she does want more substance in her relationship.

Jake, on the other hand, doesn't seem to focus on this as much. I get the sense that he thinks of Helen as sexual partner on the one hand, stern mother/Mad Dog figure on the other, and nothing in between. When he focuses on communication, it tends to run along the lines of Helen never listens to him, Helen's never there for him, never considering that those activities should be mutual. Gah -- my opinion of him really nosedived in Season Four. He went from being a well-meaning, clueless man who reserved his angry rants for his dead father and unlucky motorists to an even more self-absorbed and clueless man with a mean streak. That mean streak, most likely brought about by Jake's accumulating resentment, was often aimed at Helen. While not surprised, I did find it disturbing. Especially because during Jake's nasty barb-throwing, he showed an unprecedented level of awareness, suggesting he is not the poor, helpless overgrown boy we all think him to be, that he could be more active and assertive in his relationship if he chose. But since he hasn't, a healthy portion of the blame for communication failure lies in his lap.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Maybe he really could show that he cared about Helen and their relationship if he felt both were in danger of slipping away. Maybe his love for his wife is about three times greater than his resentment towards her. That's what I tried to bring across in "An Uneasy Marriage." I also played up the idea that Jake really puts Helen on a pedestal, insofar as he sees her as someone stronger and more self-assured than he is. That's why he gets so resentful of her authority -- because he really believes Helen has complete command over her actions and over each situation. This image of her is so ingrained in his mind, he has trouble stepping back from it and seeing her as a regular person with weaknesses -- until Greg points them out.

In fact, another thing I wanted to show in this fic is how little Helen and Jake know each other as people. Helen hears Jake whine so much about his father that she has him typed as a child in need of protection; so when she sees that he won't fall apart on his own, it's as much a shock to her system as it is to Jake when he realizes there's a side to Helen that he never knew. As for Helen, this vulnerable side is one that even she scarcely knows, as she has rarely been one for self-examination. On the show, she has admitted weakness two times, both in Season Four. In "Psycho Therapy," she says, "Everybody hates me," as though it's a confirmation of her worst fears. In "Dye! Dye! My Darling," she admits that "We only tell ourselves [life is under control] to keep our sanity" (or something like that). Yet in both cases, Helen never seems to zero in on any worries that she, as a person, is not good enough. The "Psycho Therapy" line struck me more as a feeling that while she was doing all she could, people wanted too much from her. That seemed like just a variation of the guilt she's always shown with regard to her relationship with work and family.

I probe the issue of Helen's vulnerability in much greater detail in DWU #19. One thing I'll make issue of is how this reluctance to probe her insecurities resembles Daria's. That doesn't surprise me; they are mother and daughter after all. Furthermore, I find it almost comical that Helen, on the show, can chastise Daria for wearing a "mask" that hides her true self, yet be completely unconscious of her own. If Helen didn't wear a social mask, why would she be so concerned about social appearances, and have an unhealthy fear of aging?? As Greg said, there's something there that she's just not aware of, and I hope the show addresses it. If not, I will.

But anyway, to sum up my goals for this fanfic: Helen and Jake come to realize that they do not know each other, and the possible solution to their problems is that they dismantle their preconceptions and start over. But that in itself causes problems. Why did they form these preconceptions in the first place, and maintain them for so many years? What did they gain from the preconceptions, and what would they lose if they got rid of them? What does it mean that Jake could slide so easily into a friendship with DeMartino, and Helen with Greg? Does it mean that maybe their brightest sides DO shine when they are with other people, suggesting that quite possibly, they are not meant for each other?? Those are the concerns that hit Helen in the face during the last scene with Greg, causing her almost perennial "I'm on it" optimism to finally crumble. And they aren't concerns that will be resolved easily.

Anyway, this fanfic was probably one of the most convoluted I've written -- and I thought "Charge of the Math Brigade" was bad. ; > I'm not even sure that what I wanted to come across came across. As I said earlier, I tried desperately to avoid examining ground that had already been covered, not to mention settling on the usual cliches for why Helen and Jake can't get along. I.e: Helen's too controlling and if she were only less so, everything would be hunky-dory. Or: Jake is a clueless moron who can't do anything right. The truth is almost always more complicated. Yet I'm not sure I was able to successfully transcend those cliches. I kept looking for some great hidden explanation for their marriage problems, but the they-don't-see- each-other-as-people notion was about all I could come up with. And please: don't insult me by claiming all I wrote was a Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus parable. ; >

I also had problems with the DeMartino plot line. I didn't want it to be too obtrusive, yet I didn't want it to fizzle out, either. I'm not sure I resolved it in the best way it could be resolved. I wanted to give DeMartino a little humanity (after his psycho turn in Season Four) and perhaps a little insight into his character. And I wanted to show how Phelps fit in with all of the teachers, giving him an eensy bit more breadth without, heehee, revealing too much of his background. I kept thinking the plot line should have been cut (this damn fic is already too big); in fact, I'm seriously considering putting out an abridged version of this fic, along with the unabridged version, just to clear my conscience.

The DeMartino and Jake bonding scenes were the toughest to write. They reminded me of the difficulties I had with Jane and Sandi in "Outvoted." Since both characters have been exaggerated to ridiculous proportions in the past couple of seasons, my challenge was to have them interact in a human way and still keep them in character. I tried to not make anything too forced, but kept feeling that I was, anyway.

Heh, I also keep wondering how people will respond to Helen's kiss. I hope it doesn't cause anyone to lose respect for her. You probably saw it coming a mile away, didn't you? ; >

One last thing: I said at the beginning that this fic takes place as though "Fire!," "Dye! Dye! My Darling," and "Is It Fall Yet?" have not yet occurred. Now does that mean you're supposed to see those episodes as proof that the conflict I've opened up has been resolved? In one word: NO. This fanfic addresses their lack of relationship there as much as in the eps that came before it. Although would you believe I originally thought I would have this one out before the Season Four premiere? Makes me wonder how different it would have been. It certainly wouldn't have had the tongue-in-cheek allusion to Daria and Jane's relationship troubles.

Now let me mention my reasons for why I decided to not portray the Daria/Tom relationship, at least for now. First of all, I've been remarkably blessed that the show has allowed my fanfic continuum to keep pace with it, in spite of the fact that the DWU takes place in an alternate universe. When I started writing back during the "mini-drought" of Season Three, I never guessed that the show would support some of my conjectures: Daria getting over Trent, Quinn being smart and not knowing it, et cetera. But it could have just as easily been the opposite: maybe Daria and Trent would have hooked up, and Quinn would have spiraled downhill. Also, Season Three managed to develop some of the characters' relationships without actually altering the status quo, thus allowing for me to seem ahead of the curve because I did alter the status quo.

But that can't last forever, especially when you don't produce fanfics as quickly. I suppose eventually, the show was destined to catch up and surpass me, which it did with the Daria/Tom development. After a lot of deliberation, I chose to not ram it into my continuum because:

I had not worked my way up to it at all in previous fanfics, aside from the suggestion that Tom will help Daria by shedding light on Mr. Phelps. Believe it or not, some fans of my writing never even watch the show, so for them to read "Daria suddenly has a boyfriend" would be a complete jolt to their system. I prefer to maintain internal continuity, introduce the idea more gradually. 

Since I came up with plot lines for at least the first 20 DWUs loooooong ago, I don't really want to change them. In my next DWU, Daria experiences a subtle attraction to the editor of the underground newspaper -- a situation that would either have to be squelched, or hopelessly complicated, due to Daria already having a boyfriend. I'd just as soon stick to the original script. But Tom does make a significant appearance in this one.

I was unhappy with the way Daria and Tom got together -- you barely saw the period of time where they went from being rivals to potential lovers (what -- "I Loathe a Parade" was supposed to suffice??). Considering that the show is built around our watching Daria's walls crumble, I felt that I'd missed out on something important. Therefore, I aim to correct it in my continuum by, for now, just showing Daria and Tom's budding friendship. That in itself is an important step in Daria's development. 

I can imagine all of the newly converted Daria/Tom 'shippers weeping at the thought of not getting to read about their romance... if you haven't already tossed down this fic in disgust because it's NOT about Daria and Tom! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! ; > That said, I want to make it clear that I am not one of the infamous Anti-Tommers who believes that Tom is evil and that he will corrupt Daria. I think Tom is a good character with potential, who, unfortunately, got thrust into a controversial situation before the majority of fans could grow to like him as his own character. Now, no matter what he does, he will bear the faint mark of one who "came out of nowhere and nearly wrecked Daria's friendship with Jane." I also think he'll ultimately be a positive character... but that he would have been more positive had he remained Jane's boyfriend. I guess I'm one of the few who feels Jane needs more help being drawn out of her shell than Daria, and who wishes her and Tom's relationship hadn't been given such shabby treatment in Season Four. (I'm also one of the few who finds fault with Tom because he seems too ideal, not because he's flawed.)

Where was I? Oh right: so in conclusion, remember that the Driven Wild Universe is an ALTERNATE universe, where things happen that have no parallel in the show -- such as Quinn getting glasses and becoming Fashion Club President, and Sandi and Jodie developing a rivalry of sorts. These eps try to portray these situations in the most realistic manner possible, but, even though some of them seem like they could be regular episodes, that does not mean they should be treated as regular episodes.

Hmm, that belonged in Points of Interest, didn't it? Aw well, now on to...

Points of Interest

Greg: He's probably one of my more sketchily drawn characters, with none of the personality quirks we see in Barry Bukowski or Alfred Phelps. That's partially intentional. As for what will happen with him, you'll find out in DWU #19...

Lawndale Community Center: The map in "The Daria Diaries" does not list a community center... but what's a town without one? Even if that town is a giant strip mall like Lawndale...

A real art class: As I may have mentioned in "Breaking the Mold," I have attended several art classes, from life drawing to sculpting. The general pattern is for the teacher to give a demonstration in the beginning, then suggest how it might be applied to a particular project, then pretty much leave you on your own. Maybe intensive, advanced art classes are more tightly-controlled, but these are community oriented basic classes. Therefore, they're more or less places you go to use the supplies, and not much else. ; >

"Booze-clouded conversations": Several fanfics have portrayed Jake and DeMartino as near buddies, gathering together semi-regularly to get drunk at McGrundy's pub. I assume this was inspired by their bonding scene in "The Daria Hunter," as there has been no equivalent pub scene on the show. Still, it seemed like a good starting point at which to build a friendship, so I declined to ignore it. Furthermore, none of the buddy bar scenes in fanfic ever really showed how Jake and DeMartino developed a warm enough rapport to tell each other some quite personal things. This fanfic aimed to show how, though I'm not sure if I've succeeded, because as I pointed out above, Jake and DeMartino are hard characters to write.

"Uncle Anthony": As most of you know, DeMartino came off as a hero to the day camp children in "Is It Fall Yet?" His grouchy, psychotic behavior empowered them, and the good will they showed him spilled over into the following school year, as demonstrated by DeMartino's pleasure when Quinn got the answer correct. My feeling is that this newfound positive outlook will not last... if DeMartino is DeMartino. This fanfic sketched the most likely image of DeMartino's relationship to the school and to his colleagues.

As for talk about DeMartino having a kid whom he never sees and an ex-wife, those were my inventions. DeMartino just seems like the type who would have gone through a messy divorce.

Jane calling Helen by her first name: That's one thing I wish I could have gone into more in this fic. I will an eensy bit more in DWU #19. Yet it doesn't surprise me that Jane might feel comfortable enough with Helen to be on a first name basis, given the way they kinda-sorta bonded in "Breaking the Mold." And I expect it will happen on the show, since Daria's parents have gradually gotten closer to Jane and Trent, as shown by their interaction in "Lane Miserables." At the same time, I don't ever suspect that they'll become bosom buddies. (I still get the giggles when I recall the dinner table scene in LM, when Jane tried to avoid conversation with Helen by reading the milk carton.) Also, Jane calling Helen by her first name was meant to show that Helen, in a different setting, can be a different person.

Now it's time once again for THE MYSTERIES OF

Here's a mystery I've been wanting to address for a long time: why the time in between my fanfics keeps getting longer. My first eleven I was able to write on average about 2.5 weeks apart. Then they started coming a month apart, then 2-4 months apart.

The reasons? Well the summer I started writing fanfic, I enjoyed some unusual circumstances. I worked a part time job a few hours a day, and had the rest of the time to just write. Plus back then, fanfic was so new and exciting to me, I had a shitload of adrenaline running through my system. My unconscious kept urging me to write and write some more, causing me to neglect my friends and miss several new releases, like "South Park" or "The Blair Witch Project," and probably not study for the GREs as well as I ought to.

I knew this hermit-like behavior wouldn't last, and a part of me was relieved. My final college semester came along, forcing me to devote my energy to my two thesis papers in order to graduate. (Still, astoundingly enough, I was able to get out four fanfics during that time.) Then after college I started working full time, and I started having to devote more thought to my goals (lousy real life).

Plus more fandom duties started to hit me. I became a message board moderator, frequented IRC, started proofreading other people's work, wrote several essays, and finally got somewhat burnt out on writing the same sort of near-canon fanfic I'd been writing for close to a year, so I wrote something totally different: "Abruptly Amy (The Spinoff That Never Was)." That something different led me to launch a project for which I've been writing recently, which explains the gap between "Charge of the Math Brigade" and this fic. Oh, and there's also my web site, born sometime in late July 2000. It may be small, but what little there is took a lot of effort to put together.

Then there's the fact that my fanfics keep getting more elaborate. I have to build from all of my previous fics and start working toward a climax (since the continuum is supposed to wrap up after 22 episodes).

Now that doesn't mean I'm burning out and won't write any more. However, because my real life is about to take a stressful and interesting turn, I might have to write much slower. That bothers me, as I've always gotten a lot of mileage being "ahead of the curve," and I'd hate to think that the show might beat me to revelatory punches. I just have to hope that the show won't cover everything I've been covering (though I'm a little shaken after "Psycho Therapy" and Quinn's brain turn in "Is It Fall Yet?"). I do intend to finish all 22 episodes. Just don't expect it to be soon. ; >

Oops!

Hmmm, something that's been bothering me from "Erin the Head": I meant to show that success from the Gupty marriage therapy show had gone to their heads and turned them corrupt, making them do things -- like endorse products -- that they once would have scorned. However, I don't think I showed it well enough; and what's more, their appearance in "I Loathe a Parade" made it seem as though I'd written them out of character. : P

Oh, and a Digimon fan complained about the way I'd bashed Digimon in a commercial. Okay, I'll apologize for calling them Pokemon knock-offs (they actually came first) but not for them being cheap, irritating marketing gimmicks, which they are...

Acknowledgements

Aaron and Barry Adelman deserve a round of applause for their clever Daria 2 commercial. Yes, THEY were the ones who created it, not I, just to make things clear. I nearly ROTF when I read it for the first time, as it felt SO much like a promo for "Scream."

Shameless Plugs

If anyone would like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at wild_kl@hotmail.com. Although for some odd reason, U.C. Berkeley has not yet canceled my scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu address... in spite of the fact that I've been a graduate for over half a year. So you can e-mail me there, too.

Also, come browse through my web site, The Contrarian's Corner: home to my fanfic collection in HTML and Text, other specialized fanfic collections, essays, and my non-Daria related rants. The URL is

www.stas.net/wildone/index.html

Thanks for sticking around to read my longest postscript EVER, and thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright September 2000. All rights reserved. 


	18. In Her Own Words

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is [or should be] the eighteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," "Erin the Head," "Primarily Color," "The Age of Cynicism," "Charge of the Math Brigade," and "An Uneasy Marriage." 

I would give this fic a 3S... easily as long as "An Uneasy Marriage." Can we say "On a special hour-long 'Daria'"...?

This is also what you might call an "In-betweener," meaning that it is set sometime after "I Loathe a Parade," but before the events of "Fire!" As I explained, that's because this episode would have been more difficult to pull off if Daria had a boyfriend, and it would have messed with the DWU's continuity to have her date Tom, blah, blah. Yet, because this is an alternate universe, Quinn's embrace of scholastics and Helen and Jake's problems go far beyond the show's portrayal to this date. Don't try to think about where this fic might be placed in the regular "Daria" season, or you'll go nuts...

Music-wise, I decided to honor the Beatles' #1 album, which consists of all twenty-seven of their #1 hits. (Ha, like that album needs promotion, having spent weeks at the top of the charts.) I figure "Daria" would never have a chance to use the #1 album, now that the show is officially departing after the fifth season. By including its songs in this fic, I intend to show posterity that young people today listen to more than just Britney Spears or Eminem. Or rather, cough, to show that I actually listen to music...

Finally, the tone of this fic veers closer to drama than comedy. Get used to it: because we're reaching a "crisis" point in the continuum, there won't really be a comedic DWU until #21. If you want funny, go read some of my past DWU's. If not... enjoy!

Ten Spot Promo: Is there even a Ten Spot promo anymore? The last several "Daria" eps just started right up after the previous show ended. Oh well if MTV won't show Ten Spot promos, then I won't. So until the Ten Spot comes back, consider them retired in the Driven Wild Universe.

[intro theme music...................]

IN HER OWN WORDS byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Daria's room, evening)

(Shot of the outside of the Morgendorffer residence. Cut to shot of Daria sitting upright on her bed, scribbling furiously in her notebook. She looks deep in thought.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Dear Diary... How original: I'm writing to you again about some deep, burning issue that I'm loath to discuss with another living soul. Though frankly, this one-way relationship is starting to get to me. I pour my heart out to you on a regular basis, but do you so much as share the secrets that lurk between the spirals? Do you ever open up your outer shell without coercion? I think not.

(Daria pauses to read what she's written. She rolls her eyes at how lame it sounds, then sighs and continues writing.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Well fine, this is the last time. Or else our relationship ends up in the paper shredder. (Bt) Anyway, surprise -- I've been having problems with my family. I just wish I could say they were the usual problems...

(Dissolve to recent flashback of Daria walking up to Quinn's door. She stands there for a moment before knocking softly. Waits a few seconds: silence. Then she knocks harder, waits a few more seconds. When nothing happens, Daria tries the knob with a lack of vigor which suggests she knows the door will be locked -- which it is. She sighs noiselessly.)

DARIA: Hey Quinn? Are you in there?

(Cut to close-up of Quinn sitting at her desk, bent over a math textbook. She is scribbling on one of several sheets of notebook paper. Her expression, one of concentration, hardens at the sound of her sister's voice.)

(Cut to shot of Daria standing outside. She pulls back and stares at the door, wondering what to do.)

DARIA: (faux calm, loud enough for Quinn to hear) Well I guess Mom and Dad were right about you taking the drugs. I'd better go look up a good treatment facility.

(Beat)

QUINN: (from inside) What?!

(Daria steps away from the door as we hear hurried stampeding toward it from the other side. A click, and then it flies open. Quinn pokes her head out, looking freaked and angry at the same time.)

QUINN: I am NOT taking drugs! Drugs make you act weird and look icky, and if you tell Mom and Dad I am I swear to God I'll kill you!!

DARIA: (subtle smirk) Well, well: it's nice to be on speaking terms with you again, sis.

(Quinn looks dumbfounded for a second. Then, when she realizes she's been had, she flashes Daria a dirty scowl and starts to close the door.)

DARIA: (making a move to block it) Wait. (gentler tone.) Don't you think it's time we declared a truce?

(Beat)

QUINN: (flat, wary) I dunno. (Bt) Maybe if you agree not to spy on me anymore.

DARIA: (protests) That's not what I've been doing.

QUINN: (rolling her eyes) Oh right: I guess you're just, like, really interested in the way I do math problems then. Do I look like I was born yesterday?

DARIA: Given the full head of hair and the two extra inches you have on me, I'd have to say no. (Bt) But mentally, the jury's still out.

(Quinn's expression, briefly receptive, at once becomes angry again. Daria winces, kicking herself for a quip that came so easily she didn't even have to think about it.)

DARIA: (pushes harder to keep her from closing the door) Quinn -- wait. I didn't mean --

QUINN: (injured tone) Y'know you keep saying that you, like, want me to care about school, and then you turn around an' tell me how stupid I am. Well that's okay: I don't need you.

(As she says this last sentence, she shoves the door so forcefully that Daria loses her grip on it. Before she can respond to Quinn's retort, Daria finds the door slammed in her face.)

DARIA: Glad we could work things out like sensible adults.

(Cut to shot of Quinn inside her room. She gazes at the door for a few seconds, looking as though she regrets what she did. Then her expression becomes defiant, and she heads back to her desk.)

(Cut to shot of Daria, still looking at the door, her face filled with regret over an opportunity missed. She's also stung by Quinn's tone: while her sister has demeaned her on more occasions than she cares to remember, she's never seemed as angry or hurt. Finally Daria turns and walks slowly down the hall.)

(Dissolve to shot of her, moments later, walking downstairs. Zoom out to show that Helen is seated on the center couch, leafing through papers with a distracted expression on her face. Daria starts toward the kitchen, then pauses to look at her mother. She ends up heading over to one of the side couches and sitting down.)

DARIA: Mom? (Pause) Earth to Mom.

HELEN: (gazing at two papers in her hand like she's not sure what they're for) Yes, Daria?

DARIA: Have you noticed how Quinn's been acting lately?

(Beat)

HELEN: (startled, as if waking from a dream) Huh?

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid at her mom's spacy behavior) I said have you noticed Quinn?

HELEN: (like her mind is on other things) She seems perfectly fine to me.

DARIA: (uncomfortable) I guess she's not not fine. But she's gotten really obsessed with math. The way some people get obsessed with the coming of the messiah. (waits for her mother to respond. When Helen doesn't, she continues.) She hasn't even spoken to her fashion minions for a while.

HELEN: Hmm, really?

DARIA: Not that I'd consider it a loss. But to go from obsessing about fashion to obsessing about math just seems unhealthy to me. (rolling her eyes, quickly adds before Helen can say anything.) And yes, I know this is me talking: the girl who shuts herself in her room to write. But at least I can expand my horizons beyond Language Arts. (more emphatic.) And no, I am not jealous of the attention Quinn gets from her math teacher. Why should I be jealous??

HELEN: (eyes trailing away from her papers, into space) Of course not.

(Beat)

DARIA: (frowning with concern) Maybe I should discuss this with Dad. He might be more focused.

(For the first time, Helen looks at Daria with more clarity.)

HELEN: Your father? Don't expect him home until late tonight.

DARIA: Again?

HELEN: He's got another bowling league practice.

DARIA: I thought he hated bowling. Didn't he think the ball looked like the face of his dead father laughing at him?

(Beat)

HELEN: (absent) Well he likes it now.

(From her expression, it's clear Helen is bothered by the thought of Jake going out so much, but doesn't have the will to do anything about it. She notices Daria's concern over her uncharacteristic behavior and gets a look of contrition.)

HELEN: I'm sorry, honey. (small sigh.) My mind's just been on some very complicated matters of late, and I guess I haven't been as good a mom as I could be. (The guilt in her expression deepens.)

DARIA: (feeling sorry for her, trying to ease her concern) No big deal. It's just some thoughts I had that can wait for another time.

HELEN: About Quinn and school? (shifts into her "responsible parent" mode.) I don't think there's anything to worry about. After a while, Quinn's enthusiasm for math is bound extend to her other subjects. The most important thing for us is to encourage her as best we can.

(Daria sees nothing in her mother's reply that she wasn't expecting. She shrugs half-heartedly.)

DARIA: I guess. (admitting.) I could stand to boost my encouragement level.

HELEN: (smiling) That's the spirit, sweetie.

(Daria stands up.)

DARIA: Thanks for the pep talk. (She moves toward the kitchen, the sees Helen's smile fade quickly and a melancholy expression take its place.) And Mom? (awkward.) If you... um, ever need...

(Helen turns around, surprised at her daughter's implied offer. Looking touched, she pauses as if to seriously consider whether to confide in Daria. Then her familiar "I'm-in-control" smile slides into place.)

HELEN: Oh I'm fine, sweetie. Thank you for asking.

(Daria shrugs and exits the room, her expression faintly grim. Again, she isn't surprised by her mother's response, but she hoped for better. Fade-out.)

(Fade-in to shot of Daria in her room, scribbling away.)

DARIA: (thought VO) So there you have it. Even as Quinn strives to be my academic equal, she and I are pulling farther apart. My mom may be suffering from some level of depression, with my dad's frequent absences being the likely cause... or vice versa. But unless she admits it, she's not going to get any help. (Bt) I don't know what I could do... beyond slipping Prozac into her coffee.

(Dissolve to shot of Daria sitting with Jake at the kitchen table one recent morning. Jake tries to engage Daria in conversation, looking ill at ease and well-meaning, though not necessarily more so than usual.)

DARIA: (thought VO) As for Dad, he acts as though everything is normal, joking away questions about his late nights. But like Mom, something's definitely up with him, and I doubt it's good.

(Cut back to present shot of Daria. After she finishes scribbling this last bit, she allows for her arm to go slack and dangle over the side of the bed as she lies back and stares at the ceiling.)

(Cut to close-up of Jane nibbling on the crust of a pizza, looking thoughtful. She's been given a synopsis of Daria's problems.)

JANE: Too bad this isn't happening to someone else's family. Preferably on a weeknight, between 8 and 9 pm Eastern/Pacific time.

(Cut to wider shot, showing her and Daria sitting in a booth, a pizza between them.)

DARIA: (gloomy sarcasm) On "As Daria's World Turns": where ridiculous melodrama is the norm.

(For a moment, Jane gets a faintly disturbed look, as though she wants to tell Daria about something, but doesn't know how. Then it passes.)

JANE: (more serious, gentle) Look, it sounds as though you're doing all you can do just by being there for them. Try not to beat yourself up about it: things have a way of working themselves out.

DARIA: (not encouraged) Do you realize that last part sounded like something your mother would say?

JANE: (cringing) Ouch. You are cold when you're feeling miserable.

TOM: (off screen, helpful) Jane's right. (Cut to wide shot of him standing over them, having just returned from the "young gentleman's" room.) Maybe you just need to take your mind off. Go out of your way to do something you don't normally do. Get out of the house, take a walk somewhere.

DARIA: (deadpan) A walk. Sounds like too much to handle all at once.

TOM: (tolerant) Just anything to help you keep perspective.

JANE: (pointed, sympathetic) Hey, that's sensible advice, amiga.

(Daria casts a grudging look at Tom, like she'd rather he not be eavesdropping on the conversation. But Jane looks at her with a "C'mon, give it a try," which causes her to relent.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Find something different to take my mind off: what other choice did I have? Nothing else seemed to be working.

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting with Jane and Tom in Jane's room, watching "Sick Sad World." Jane and Tom sit close together on the bed, while Daria sits a short distance apart, eyeing them with discomfort.)

DARIA: (VO) I couldn't count on Jane's place to be my home-away-from-home for obvious reasons...

(Cut to shot of Daria lying on the Lane family, positioned so that she faces the ceiling. Just then Trent saunters in. Oblivious to all but his guitar, he starts strumming loudly and grunting. Daria reaches over and puts a pillow over her face.)

DARIA: (thought VO) So I tried a little bit of everything...

(Instrumental portion of "Eleanor Rigby." Shot of Daria walking down the sidewalk, past the park, and getting nailed in the back of the head by a frisbee. Shot of her standing in a bookstore, trying to read. Shot of Daria walking past an array of businesses in the mall with HELP WANTED signs, looking as though none of them appeal to her. Shot of her sitting at her computer, trying to follow along with an IRC chat group, but looking utterly bewildered.) 

DARIA: (thought VO) But nothing took my mind off.

(Shot of Daria walking past a student reading a newspaper toward the bulletin board where school activities are posted. With a sour expression, she reviews the listings, before finally turning around and facing the hall. She then sees Phelps stride past, briefcase in hand, checking his watch.)

DARIA: (thought VO) That could explain why I haven't let go of my wild conspiracy theories about Quinn's math teacher -- in spite of the fact that I've seen neither a discernible motive nor clear evidence of wrong-doing. By imagining the guy really is using Quinn for his own sordid purposes, I create a ready adversary for myself against whom I can exercise control that I haven't been able to find at home or elsewhere. (Pause) And if it's come to that, I truly have reached a nadir point. I never thought I'd say this, but I really need something to go my way. 

(cut to)

SCENE 2 (O'Neill's classroom)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of O'Neill and OH standing at the front of the room. O'Neill gives Daria an enthusiastic thumbs up, to which Daria reacts with minimal expression.)

O'NEILL: (VO) I'm so glad you've decided to make a positive impact on your fellow students, Daria! Your contributions as a tutor will be immeasurable.

DARIA: As long as you remain true to our no-Kevin agreement. (Bt) I don't get paid, do I?

O'NEILL: Only with the wealth of satisfaction. But sorry, no money.

DARIA: (regretting this already) Damn.

O'NEILL: Here comes your first mentee.

(He and Daria turn to look at a young gentleman entering the room. Daria cocks an eyelid with mild recognition: this guy has lurked in the background of several episodes, always silent. He is tall and slender, with scruffy light brown hair, dark sunglasses, and baggy pants and a T-shirt. He strolls toward Daria and O'Neill, looking wary.)

O'NEILL: (overly-friendly) Daria, you know Vanny, don't you?

GUY: (deadpan, annoyed) Vince. I've told you twelve timesalready.

(O'Neill chuckles with embarrassment. Daria and Vince just stand there.)

O'NEILL: Well they're... so.... (coughs loudly, tries to break the ice.) Anyway Daria, Vince has been having a little bit of trouble completing assignments. (Bt) And participating and showing up on a regular basis. Maybe you could give him a fresh start by helping him with our most recent paper topic.

DARIA: (deadpan) I'd be thrilled.

O'NEILL: Good!

(Cut to shot of the outside of the classroom. Daria and Vince walk out, in the direction of the library.)

DARIA: (hushed) And then afterward I'll go soak my head in a bowl of bubbling hot oil.

(Vince overhears and for one nanosecond a smirk crosses his lips.)

DARIA: (awkward) So what do you need the most help with?

VINCE: (shrugs, laconic) Whatever.

(Beat)

DARIA: Shall I interpret that to mean everything?

VINCE: If you feel like it.

DARIA: (frowning a little) Great. 

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (LHS library, after school)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Vince sitting at a table by themselves, papers and books spread out between them. Vince has his chair tipped back and arms folded behind his head. Daria shuffles through the papers, frustration piercing through her deadpan expression.)

DARIA: You probably think counting the cracks in the ceiling is more satisfying than doing this assignment. I don't blame you. But if you don't work with me, you'll be wasting both of our time. And I'm too good at doing that myself to leave it to an outsider.

VINCE: (tipping his sunglasses down to look at her) So why don't you go home, then?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes, grudging) I have nothing better to do. (Bt) Besides, don't you want to come out of this knowing how to write better?

VINCE: (sitting up straighter, snide) I know how to write. Just not for O'Neill's class: where a ten year old could turn in an assignment and get an A.

DARIA: (unsure of what this statement could imply of her) Hmmm.

VINCE: That dude doesn't know a thing about "writing from life." Why should I bother with topics like "If You Were a Tree in the Forest of Arden, What Advice Would You Give Rosalind?" when I could write about stuff that hits closer to home??

DARIA: (can't help but ask) If you were a lamp post in Lawndale, what advice would you give drunk drivers at 2 a.m.?

(Vince smirks briefly at her quip.)

VINCE: Like... (looks as though he's about to tell her, then considers who he's talking to and thinks otherwise.) stuff.

DARIA: (sardonic) Sounds very insightful.

VINCE: Doesn't matter, you wouldn't be interested. You must like O'Neill's class, or else you wouldn't be tutoring for him.

DARIA: It was more a case of entrapment He overheard me saying I needed a way to fill time, and before I knew it, I was getting the reach-out-and-touch- someone-with-your-giant-brain lecture. (Bt) I'd have resisted if my other options weren't just as pathetic.

VINCE: (cracking a smirk) Besides, it's a good way to mess with the heads of the easily impressionable.

(Daria lets out a small chuckle, then looks embarrassed.)

DARIA: (warming to Vince a little) O'Neill's not my idea of the perfect English instructor. He's not my idea of an instructor. But I have to do his assignments if I want to get to where the good teaching is.

VINCE: Why do you need good teaching to write well?

DARIA: You know of a better alternative?

(Beat)

VINCE: Maybe. (He looks as though he wanted to say something else, but stops himself.) So I take it you write outside of class, too? (Bt) What kind of stuff?

(Daria is about to say, when inspiration hits.)

DARIA: Maybe if you do the assignment, I'll show you.

(Vince looks surprised by her offer for a moment. Then, after some consideration, he smirks faintly.)

VINCE: Okay. Deal. (He bows his head and starts scribbling on a sheet of paper.)

(Dissolve to shot of the two an hour later. Daria is looking over several hand-written pages, while Vince is reading a short essay she penned as he was doing the assignment. He looks vaguely amused, even impressed. Finally Daria stacks the pages together.)

DARIA: (vaguely impressed) This is pretty good. Although don't you think "I'd embrace the searing pain of the hatchet" might rub O'Neill the wrong way?

VINCE: (shrugs, collects his pages) I just wrote it to weird him out. 'Sides, it follows the assignment, doesn't it?

DARIA: Sure. (Bt) But be prepared for a call from Mrs. Manson's office in a day or two.

VINCE: (cocks a brow behind the sunglasses) I take it you speak from experience. (He stands up and scoops the pages into his backpack.)

DARIA: Um, my essay? (holds out her hand.)

VINCE: Right. (He reaches into his backpack to pull something out, then lays it on top of the essay, which he pushes toward Daria.) Here's something of mine that'll make for some interesting reading.

(He jerks his hand in a gesture that resembles a wave, and leaves without saying "Thank you." Daria cocks a mild eyelid at his behavior before looking down at what he left. The corners of her mouth twitch in a tiny smile.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Daria's room, that evening)

(Shot of the outside of the Morgendorffer residence. Cut to close-up of a few pages of white paper stapled together. Though we can't read anything on them, we note that the layout of the pages is like that of a newspaper, with columns and headlines. The document itself lacks a newspaper's polished appearance, but we can tell by Daria's expression -- as the camera zooms out to show her holding it -- that its content is worth reading.)

DARIA: (thought VO) So this guy writes for the underground newspaper. That would explain why he never bothers with class assignments...

(Cut to shot of the hallway. Off screen, we hear a door fly open and a whirl of stomping along the floor, as if someone is in a rush to get toward the stairs. Just then, the stomping softens, then stops. We listen to a hesitant pattering across the floor as Quinn comes on screen, carrying a bundle of math-related goodies. Nervous and contrite, she inches toward Daria's door. But before she can knock, fear gets the better of her, and with a look of disgust, she turns around and heads back off screen.)

(Inside her room, Daria is still too busy looking through the newspaper to notice anything around her.)

DARIA: (VO) I'd seen it around school -- usually in the trash, soaking up grease from someone's leftover tuna and onion "surprise." I hadn't read too many issues because I figured it was something reclusive anarchists created to scare people with their immature threats. Fortunately, I was wrong.

(Cut to shot of Jane, phone to her ear, standing at the easel in her room.)

JANE: (interested) Well I'll be: so Slacker Vince Rogers isn't such a slacker after all.

(Split screen to show Daria, on the right, glancing the paper over once more.)

DARIA: I didn't even think high schoolers wrote for this paper. The names aren't familiar, and I've never seen anyone pass it around campus. 

JANE: Aliases and general paranoia, methinks. (cocks a brow.) These guys must worry about getting found out by the unforgiving masses. I'm surprised Vince even told you. 

DARIA: Yeah.

JANE: Think he'll freak 'cause you told me?

DARIA: I'll hold my tongue so he doesn't find out. Just make sure you do the same.

JANE: (amused/annoyed) Aye-aye, captain.

DARIA: (leafing through the pages) I don't see what they're so worried about: it's regular articles intermixed with commentary on what a screwed up society we live in. (frowns.) I'm almost shocked they haven't asked me to join.

JANE: (smirking) Too optimistic for their taste? Some of those articles do come very close to crossing the line. And their tone can be pretty dark. (Pause) Yeah, why haven't they asked you?

DARIA: (brief, bleak expression) If they did, at least it would take my mind off of home.

JANE: So how are things going?

DARIA: (deadpan) No one's bothered to talk to me lately -- (Cut to brief shot of the hallway outside of Daria's room, empty.) -- so I'd say the same. Tutoring sucks, but at least it gives me the excuse to stay away. Your young Thomas actually came up with a not-so-bad idea.

JANE: (benignly defensive) Yes, my "young Thomas" isn't quite as bad as certain folks have pegged him to be. He was also the one who told you Mr. Phelps was gay, remember? Alleviating certain fears you had concerning him and your sister?

DARIA: Hmm, yeah.

JANE: And he promised to glance through his school's records for any other info that might be useful.

DARIA: (half-smirk) He must be in overdrive to win me over. (Bt., sighs.) But he shouldn't bother: the more he feeds my conspiracy theories, the less likely I am to put them to rest. And it's not like it'll help anyway. (face darkens.) If I came to Quinn spouting a bunch of reliable info about what a creep her teacher is, she'd just accuse me of lying.

JANE: (nodding) Yeah. (softly) And your sister works closely enough with Phelps that, barring the notion she really is an airhead, she would know if what she's doing isn't right. If you want to find out if Phelps is using her, your best bet is to wait until she comes to you.

DARIA: (nodding, resigned) Assuming something bad doesn't happen beforehand. (Bt., switching the subject.) So, are you gonna be in tonight?

JANE: (uneasy expression) Tom and I were gonna go bowling. (A little too quickly:) You could come if you want.

DARIA: (feeling like a third wheel) No. It's okay --

JANE: We don't have to go bowling --

DARIA: No, it's what you planned to do. Don't worry about me.

JANE: (concerned) You sure?

DARIA: Yes. (Bt) Have fun.

JANE: Okay. (Pause) Talk to you later.

DARIA: Yeah. Bye.

(She lays the phone back on its cradle and slumps down a little. Then she eyes the paper she's holding, gets a thoughtful expression.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (Lawndale High, next several days.)

(Shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (thought VO) It was another week before I tutored Vince again. During that time, my mind was so glued to the damn underground paper, I kept seeing it everywhere...

(Cut to shot of Kevin in O'Neill's class. He wears a makeshift newspaper hat on his head and has another copy rolled up like a telescope.)

(Cut to shot of Larry, a member of the Lowdown, first seen in "Breaking the Mold," looking at the underground paper. Cut to wider shot of Daria standing on the opposite side of the hallway, facing her locker.)

LARRY: (idiotic smirk) Man, they don't have any color pictures in here! 

DARIA: (thought VO) So was the copy Vince gave me some kind of invitation? Or was it a gesture of thanks for a tutoring job well done? (frowns, shakes her head with frustration.) Would I even care if Vince hadn't sounded so passionate during our tutoring session? He made it sound like he had so many great possibilities open to him. He made it sound -- dare I say it? -- empowering. (A look of wistfulness crosses her face.) 

(Her musings are interrupted by a loud cackle from Larry. Daria turns briefly to glare in his direction.)

LARRY: (looking at the paper) No sports... no upbeat articles. How the hell do they ever hope to compete with us??

DARIA: (sotto voice) Maybe by cornering a market you'd never consider: intelligent writing?

PHELPS: (off screen, muttering) There is a thing called intelligent writing, you know.

(Daria whirls around and watches with surprise as he rushes down the hall without uttering another word.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (library)

(Shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Finally I worked up the nerve to talk to Vince...

(Cut to shot of her and Vince in the library.)

VINCE: (puzzled) 'Course it was an invitation. But I thought you weren't interested.

DARIA: What made you think that??

VINCE: (looking up from his paper) You didn't say anything about it. (When Daria looks at him quizzically, he pulls out a copy of the paper and shows it to her.) People on staff don't reveal they're on staff to another person unless they're offering the chance to join.

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) That's very clever. And how exactly was I supposed to know that?

VINCE: (cheeks reddening a bit) I guess I thought you'd come to me sooner. (Bt) Sorry... I don't do this too often.

DARIA: Well now that everything's gone like clockwork, what's the next step?

VINCE: Come with me to tomorrow's meeting. If you're interested.

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 6 (Daria's room, where we began)

(Shot of Daria scribbling in her notebook.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Who's to say whether I'll even go? How much do I know about this Vince guy? Maybe he and the other staff writers are drug snorting masochists who pierce their eyelids when they're not cutting school to write articles. (Pause. Briefly, she gets a worried look on her face.) Or maybe not. No matter what happens, for the first time in weeks I've got something to look forward to.

(She lays her pen down, sets the bookmark in between the pages and closes her notebook softly.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Daria getting Quinn's door slammed in her face, followed by shot of Daria, Jane, and Tom at the Pizza King, followed by shot of O'Neill giving Daria a thumbs up, followed by shot of Vince sliding a copy of The Oracle over to her.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Monday, on the Ten Spot: Stress over work and family finally causes Helen to reach a breaking point... and she flees to the one person whom she knows she can trust. Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

[Warning: this one is going to be extra-long. And I'll say it right now: it's NOT what you think.]

On behalf of MTV's parent company, Viacom, we bring you a "SURVIVOR 2" promo! (dramatic tone) Sixteen strangers abandoned in the Australian outback, battling to become the million dollar winner! It's more exciting than "The Real World" and "Road Rules" combined! So watch it -- and help us bring down the stale doughnut that is "Friends"!

After "SURVIVOR 2," catch the post-SURVIVOR show, where two intellectually- challenged, but damned attractive, hosts interview the latest "survivor" booted out of the tribe. Hear about his or her plans for revenge on the other members!

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

* * *

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (a residential neighborhood)

(Music: "Come Together")

(Frontal shot of Daria and Vince walking down a sidewalk, past several ordinary middle class homes. Vince walks with seeming grim purpose, bent forward slightly in a way that discourages chit-chat. Daria looks outwardly calm, but she struggles to keep up with him. His distant behavior puzzles her somewhat, given that they seemed to have broken the ice during their last two meetings. But then again, she isn't exactly warm and cuddly herself. Finally:)

DARIA: Um... so who are the other people on staff? Are they high school students, too?

(Beat)

VINCE: (noncommittal) They're an okay bunch. (forehead creases a bit.) The important thing is that you work hard and stay committed to honest writing.

(Beat)

DARIA: (frowning a little) Thank you for answering my question.

(Cut to shot of an ordinary house. Vince waves at Daria to follow him, and they walk across the lawn around to the side. Cut to shot of a basement door. From within, we hear the muffled sounds of people's voices. Daria peers at it dubiously while Vince leans forward to knock.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Just the right place to dump a body. (shudders, takes a step back, looks around.) Why the hell didn't I stay home?

VOICE: (male, inside) What's the password?

VINCE: (rolls his eyes) There isn't any. Let us in.

(A moment passes. Then we hear a click and the door opens. Daria squints, with lack of recognition, at a tall, slender guy about 18-19 years old. He wears a buttoned-down shirt that looks about two sizes too large, a faded pair of jeans, and thick-framed glasses -- a square version of the kind Daria wears. His hair is short and dark and slightly messed-up, as though he just rolled out of bed and forgot to run a comb through it. His face is rather plain, aside from being long and square around the chin, but his dark eyes glimmer with alertness. Overall he's unexceptional-looking, but he carries himself with a quiet self-confidence.)

DARIA: (thought VO) No skull tattoos or questionable scars. So far, so good...

GUY: (pleasant) You're Daria, right? I'm Damien Crawley. Nice to meet you. (Extends his hand, Daria cautiously slips hers into it and lets him shake it.)

DARIA: Same here. (thought VO) No concealed weapons. (Bt) But then again, would a secret club use weapons if its goal was to brainwash you? (Bt., to herself, irritated) Cut it out.

VINCE: (deadpan) Way to lay on the pleasantries, Dam.

(Damien punches him lightly on the shoulder, in such a way as to show he's not bothered by the comment.)

DAMIEN: Come on in... I'll introduce you to everyone.

(He turns around and walks back down into the basement. Vince and Daria follow. Cut to the dim interior, which Daria gazes at with caution.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Dammit, why couldn't Jane be here?? (to Damien) Do you go to Lawndale?

(Damien turns around to face Daria as they reach the bottom of the steps and, surprisingly, bursts out laughing.)

DARIA: (annoyed) I know my high school is a joke, but --

DAMIEN: I went to Lawndale for a little while. Before that, Oakwood. Before that, Monte Vista in California. Finally I decided high school didn't need me, and I didn't need it. 

VINCE: He took an equivalency test and passed out.

DARIA: Oh. That's nice. (thought VO) And you plan to live out your days as a basement shut-in? (She mentally kicks herself to prevent another negative thought from reaching the surface -- now is not the time.)

DAMIEN: (calling out) Hey guys, we have a visitor.

(Daria looks past Damien and Vince and sees a rather comfortable-looking rec room. In the center, two large dingy stuffed couches and a couple of padded chairs have been arranged in a circle. Nearby in a corner rest three high- powered computers with giant screens that give off a serene, blue-tinged glow. The surrounding walls have been decorated with murals, clippings of newspaper cartoons, and posters of Beat poets. Within this cocoon we see about a half- dozen teenagers, some of whom we recognize as nonspeaking background characters from other "Daria" episodes. A few sit on the couches, two comparing notes on a notepad, one playing a Game Boy. Another two watch a DVD on one of the computers. Above them, in a pocket where the wall dips down from the ceiling and pushes outward, sits a person sketching. It's difficult to see who unless one happens to be standing in the right location. Since Daria is, she suppresses a look of astonishment when she realizes the person is Andrea.)

(When they see Daria, the members of the group lay aside their activities and stare with muted curiosity, rather than gawk. Andrea glances down at her from her perch, probing Daria for a few moments, before returning to her drawing. Daria, herself, tries not to show any outward signs of her discomfort. As for Vince, he greets the staffers with a brief wave of his hand, and is received the same way. Only after Damien has moved forward and started talking does everyone pay attention.)

DAMIEN: You know Daria, right? (A few nod.) An inmate at Lawndale High. Toiled in obscurity like the rest of us, now chosen to be a part of the underground elite. (turns to Daria.) This is Sara, Lou, and Danny (gestures at the people on the couch.), Jeremy and Liz (at the computer.), and Andrea.

DANNY: (with the Game Boy) 'Scuse me Dam, but "obscurity"? Didn't we put off inviting her because she was too popular?

(This is news to Daria -- who never got this accusation hurled at her except by Andrea during the brief time they hung out.)

DAMIEN: (meaningful glance) Vince knows better than to invite high-profile people.

VINCE: (deadpan) Trust me: I read something of hers that was pretty twisted. No well-liked person could create that.

(Daria rolls her eyes, not so sure she likes this description of herself, either.)

DANNY: Yeah, but she was on the Lowdown and lived with all the populars for that Class Land show. (to Daria) No offense, but this is a club where we go to get away from all the joiners. [*]

DARIA: It's all right. (Bt) Except that being in a club would make you the joiner, not me.

(This comment causes many staffers to chuckle softly, and Danny to nod with concession.)

DARIA: My time on the Lowdown was the result of coercion. [*] (awkward) Look, you don't have to have me if you don't want me. 

DAMIEN: Ah, but it's club policy that those who enter may never leave. (smirks at Daria's stunned expression.) Kidding. We just get a little overprotective of our group, since so many people have us on their hit list.

DARIA: (eyes widening) Like?

DAMIEN: (cocks a brow, amused) It's better you not know.

LOU: (smirking) At least it's not the mafia.

VINCE: (sotto) But the list seems to be growing. 

DAMIEN: We tell the truth, and the truth hurts. (shrugs nonchalantly.) As you may've guessed, our paper covers a lot of ground. (sees that Daria looks a bit rattled, strives to reassure her.) But look: no one's tried to break down the basement door with pitchforks yet. Our alias policy works pretty well, and we've managed to stay quiet when other people are around.

DARIA: (reluctant) I guess that's okay...

[*] see "Breaking the Mold" and "Surreal World"

(Dissolve to shot of her standing next to one of the computers a short time later. Damien stands over her, while a few of the other members of the group have gathered round. Vince hangs back, off to one side, while Andrea remains in her corner.)

DAMIEN: (summing up his explanation) ... Our paper reflects our status, which, of course, is that of pathetic misfits. (A faint titter from the group.) So of course it's gonna to cover things that are nowhere near the usual school rags, or even in the local paper.

(Daria nods, already aware of this.)

DAMIEN: (half-smirk, raised brow) And, of course, it's gonna be a lot better than the other papers. We don't sell it for profit or use it as a vehicle to promote our popular friends, so we don't need to dumb it down.

(A small half smirk forms on Daria's lips when she hears this.)

DAMIEN: So now that I've told you how things are done, you feel like running out the door screaming?

(Beat)

DARIA: (lowering her eyes in thought) I guess not. (Pause) It seems like it'd be worth a try, at least. (Bt) But would you mind if I just stuck with the occasional editorial? Like "Where the World Went Wrong... Part 225"?

(Damien furrows his brow, as if to consider.)

DAMIEN: I guess... (Pause) But from personal experience, I can tell you that it's more satisfying to be a part of the regular staff. Right guys? (glances around, people nod.)

VINCE: Don't push her into anything, Dam.

DAMIEN: (rolls his eyes) You know that's not my style. (to Daria) No one here has assigned roles, though most people find something they enjoy and stick with it. You might even find that this place becomes like a second home.

(Daria cocks a skeptical eyelid. But, as she surveys the comfortable surroundings and the staffers' seeming ease, she admits that there's some truth to Damien's words.)

DARIA: (giving in) I guess I could try a regular staff assignment.

DAMIEN: Great. (Bt) There's just one catch: we choose your first assignment to test your dedication. So how 'bout you report on the sanitary conditions in the Pizza King's kitchen? We got a tip off the workers there never wash their hands.

DARIA: (repulsed expression) How do I do that?

DAMIEN: That's up to you.

(Daria glances at Vince, who shrugs nonchalantly: apparently this is standard procedure within the group. After another moment's hesitation, she nods.)

DARIA: (wry) Let me guess: you start people off with tough and possibly damaging assignments to get dirt on them early, so that if they left the group and confessed everything, they would get screwed, too.

DAMIEN: (looking impressed) That's right. (Bt) You're pretty good.

DARIA: (feels her cheeks reddening) Um, thanks.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (walking home, evening)

(Shot of Daria and Vince walking down a residential sidewalk in silence.)

DARIA: Um, thanks for taking me home. (gestures at the dim light.)

VINCE: (deadpan) No problem. It's on the way to my house.

DARIA: Good. (They walk silently for several more seconds.) The staff seemed pretty nice. (Pause) And Damien seems like a good leader.

(Vince slows his pace and turns around. He looks at Daria almost accusingly.)

VINCE: He's not the leader.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (outside the Pizza King, after school, a few days later)

DARIA: (thought VO) Well the jury is still out about the underground paper. I still don't know if I should trust them, especially after Vince's behavior...

(Shot of Daria walking up to the entrance and standing just outside, looking at it, for the first time, with hesitation.)

DARIA: (thought VO) But here I am, about to embark on my first assignment. (She takes a deep breath and squints at the entrance.) Okay, it's not hard: just walk in, ask for Artie's number. Call Artie: pretend to be a health inspector from an alien planet and let him give you the important details. Assignment completed.

(Shot of Daria walking up to the front counter. A husky middle-aged man approaches her from the other side.)

MAN: (gruff) Yes?

DARIA: (awkward) Could I please speak to Artie?

MAN: Where've you been? I fired that kid two weeks ago -- this after I hired 'im a second time when he lost his damn grocery store job. He a friend of yours? (grits his teeth.) 'Cause I'd like a word with him.

DARIA: Um, no. (Pause, doesn't know what to say.) Thanks. 

(She takes a few steps back from the counter. The man shrugs and goes back to his business. Daria cranes her neck to get a good look into the kitchen, not really succeeding.)

DARIA: (thought VO) All right, on to Plan B: ask to speak to another employee. (Pause) Although none of them looks like they speak English. (glances doubtfully at the thinly-populated room.) Ask the customers if they've found any dark-colored pellets in their crust? (She shakes her head, then walks outside to think.)

(Cut to the outside. Daria slumps against the wall.)

VOICE: (off screen, quiet) Hey.

(Daria flinches with surprise as we see Andrea walk up to her, lit cigarette in hand.)

DARIA: Did Damien send you to keep an eye on me?

ANDREA: (with, we notice, far less hesitation than in "Andrea Speaks!") I always come here. I just went out back to smoke. (Bt) So how's it going?

DARIA: If you mean the article: it's not. I'm trying to figure out how to get details without being too conspicuous.

ANDREA: You could apply for a job.

DARIA: Apply?? For just one article?

ANDREA: (shrugging) You could quit once you've gotten your info.

DARIA: (reluctant) But what if the manager won't hire me? What if I write a negative article and he traces it back to me and --

ANDREA: (assuring) Relax. Look at this place. (gestures at the interior.) I'll bet plenty of ex-employees have axes to grind.

(Daria pauses to consider. Then she heaves a sigh.)

DARIA: If he comes after me, I could always say it was Artie...

(Dissolve to shot of her walking back into the Pizza King wearing a "I can't believe I'm doing this" expression. With sound muted, she goes up to the counter asks for a job. The counter man looks at her a little funny, then hands her an application. Cut to later shot of Daria walking back outside, where Andrea awaits.)

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) I swore I'd never go back into food service. 

ANDREA: So you got the job?

DARIA: Not officially, but let's just say there wasn't a lot of competition. Thanks for suggesting it. (Pause) I'm glad, um... (Andrea looks at her quizzically.) things aren't so bad between us as they were. (Bt) I think?

(Beat)

ANDREA: Oh that? (shrugs a shoulder.) I was pissed off at you for a while, but I got over it. Being on the underground helped. (Bt) Actually, I should thank you: if not for you, I wouldn't've joined. 

DARIA: How come??

ANDREA: One day in Spanish class I drew a picture of you getting pierced by a thousand arrows. (She doesn't seem to notice Daria's eyes widen.) I don't usually draw in Spanish class 'cause its one of my favorites, but like I said, I was pissed off at you, had to get it out of my system. (Bt) Damien had Spanish with me then, and when he saw my work, he asked if I wanted to join the underground. I wasn't going to, but he said I could draw stuff like that all the time.

DARIA: (a little pale) Um, great.

ANDREA: I started doing their cartoons. Pretty soon I was hanging out with Damien and others on the staff. They told me about their screwed up home lives, and (cheeks pinken ever so slightly.) got me to tell them about mine. It was a total shock, that there were people who actually gave a damn about me. (Again Daria gets a pained expression, which Andrea doesn't notice.) People would say we're all a bunch of loser misanthropes, but those guys are the most caring people I know.

DARIA: But does the staff really try to stay so committed to truth, justice, and the American Way, or was Damien just spouting a lot of bull?

ANDREA: Oh we do, definitely. (smirks.) We love knowing our paper's more honest than the professional crap out there. 

DARIA: (sardonic) You make it sound almost too good to be true.

ANDREA: (shrugs) Yeah, I do, don't I? But it's not. (Bt) And Damien keeps getting all kinds of ideas for how to improve it. (turns to Daria.) Don't worry about his assignment: once it's finished, you can choose whichever topic you want.

DARIA: Thanks. (remembers the post-meeting.) So where does Vince fit in to all this?

(Andrea makes a face.) 

ANDREA: Vince? He makes me look like a socialite. Don't mind him: he's a real talented guy, but he wants to stay a loner. So after a while, we let him be one.

DARIA: (remembering the library) He didn't seem so bad when he recruited me.

ANDREA: (raises a brow) Yeah, that was kind of weird. Vince has never recruited anyone before.

(Daria gets a strange look on her face.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (montage, throughout the week)

(Shot of Daria standing in front of the mirror of a filthy Pizza King bathroom, dressed in her work clothes. For good measure, she's stuffed most of her hair beneath her collar and is wearing a cap with a bill that shades the upper half of her face. She fingers the apron she's wearing with disdain.)

(Music: "Help!")

(Shot of Daria standing in the cramped kitchen. She stealthily removes a camera from behind her apron and takes a picture of the dirty floor and counter tiles. Cut to shot of her covertly taking notes in the background as in the foreground, one of the other employees kneads dough that contains a few strands of his hair.) 

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting in English class, jotting down some more notes. Jane watches her absorption with faint amusement and interest. Daria then looks up and sees O'Neill staring at her with a surprised expression. She realizes, with guilt, that he had asked her a question.)

(Cut to shot of Daria in Damien's basement. She's showing Damien and Vince a copy of a draft. Damien looks pleased, while Vince looks less excited. He points to areas that could use improvement.)

(Cut to shot of Daria wiping a counter with a sour expression on her face. Jane and Tom walk up to the front counter to wave hello, which only succeeds in embarrassing her. Cut to shot of her later sweeping the floor, looking ill. We see that some of what she's sweeping is rat droppings.)

(Cut to shot of Daria coming home in the evening and finding her house silent. She turns and heads upstairs, expression dispirited.)

(Cut to shot of Daria typing on her computer with a frantic eagerness we've never seen before.)

(Cut to shot of her sitting at one of the computers with. Danny shows her the layout of the front page with her article on it. With a certain amount of pleasure, he shows her the tools used to design the page, while Daria watches with interest.) 

(Cut to close-up shot of Damien's high-quality laser printer shooting out countless pages. Cut to shot of the staffers looking over the pages eagerly, sending compliments each other's way and Daria's way. Daria hangs back a little as the others begin organizing and stapling the papers together. Damien waves at her good-naturedly to come join them.) 

(Cut to shot of Daria walking out the Pizza King and tossing her apron in the nearest dumpster, an obvious sign that she's quit.)

(End music. Fade-out. Fade-in to: )

SCENE 5 (LHS, morning)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of a student reading a copy of the underground paper, wearing a repulsed expression. She rushes over to her friend and shows her select passages, causing the friend to look repulsed as well. Cut to wide shot of the hallway: we see many people leafing through copies -- more than ever before. Close-up of Kevin and Brittany looking green around the gills after viewing some graphic photos of the Pizza King kitchen. Close-up of Upchuck letting his half- eaten breakfast burrito fall onto the ground as he clutches his stomach and makes a funny noise. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, watching. Daria's face is expressionless, but there's an obvious glow in her cheeks and a liveliness in her eyes that Jane takes note of.)

JANE: (smirking, hushed tone) To think this is all your doing. 

DARIA: Yep.

(Cut to shot of Kevin and Brittany. Kevin sways a little; then, with the intent of heading toward the nearby men's room, runs into a locker face-first. Resume shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: I see why your group likes to hand out copies rather than keep an online newspaper: that way they can witness the fallout for themselves.

DARIA: Still, reading about filth is nothing compared to working in it. (turns to Jane, pride creeping into her tone.) Every day I was ready to quit that job. But I kept thinking how important it was to expose people to the way our favorite hangout's been abusing our trust. And whenever I started to waver, the other people on staff backed me up.

JANE: (sardonic) Aww, how sweet.

DARIA: I can't believe I lasted as long as I did. Even more shocking, that I kept myself hidden from our peers.

JANE: You definitely went above and beyond your usual range of activity. (cocks a knowing brow.) Admit it, Mr. Sinclair: all that muckraking made for quite a thrill, didn't it?

DARIA: (conceding) I definitely didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. It was like that time I wrote the teen peer pressure article for the Lowdown. (sour expression.) Except this newspaper's not afraid to print my work.

JANE: Yeah. Too bad no one knows it's yours. (Daria frowns at the faint note of distaste in her friend's playful tone.) So I take it you'll be sticking with this group?

DARIA: (nodding) Given that my home life's hardly improved, I'd say it's the better option. But that doesn't mean I'll be like Vince and cut class. As pointless as most high school assignments are, avoiding them will just make it harder to graduate. (Just as she says this, she spies a note that someone has slid into her locker. She opens it and gets a look of surprise.) Speak of the devil...

(Cut to shot of a hand-written note. It states: "You know I'm not much for talking, so thought this would be the best way to tell you you did a good job. Writing was honest and straight forward without exaggeration, which is how it should be. I knew I chose you for a reason. -- Vince.")

(Cut to shot of Jane, peaking over Daria's shoulder.)

JANE: (smirking) Someone likes you...

(Daria swivels around, blushing, and folds the note.)

DARIA: (mumbles) Well someone's got a funny way of showing it -- like no way.

(Just then, we see Jodie walking over, carrying a copy of the underground. Just before she reaches Jane and Daria, she takes one last frowning look at her paper, crumples it up, and hurls it into the nearest trash can. Daria winces involuntarily.)

JODIE: Hey guys. 

JANE: (bemused) Was that paper gazing at Mack in a less-than-innocent manner?

JODIE: (making a face) I really wish people wouldn't bring this thing on campus.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Why?

JODIE: Students don't need to read the ramblings of a bunch of reclusive types who, for all we know, could be making up half of what they write.

JANE: No kidding.

DARIA: Like the Pizza King article?

JODIE: Yeah. How hard is it to put together some doomsday writing and a bunch of doctored photos so it looks more horrible than it is? 

DARIA: (an edge in her tone) Or maybe it really is that bad.

JODIE: (rolling her eyes) The Pizza King is popular; don't you think someone else would have noticed a health violation?

DARIA: Maybe. (harder edge.) But given how most people are so wrapped up in themselves, they probably never thought to question the stability of their comfort spot until now, only to discover that it's almost beyond saving.

JODIE: (eyes Daria strangely) All right, fine. Well whoever writes for this paper had better be careful of Ms. Li. Now that it seems to be getting more popular, she's gonna take notice. And I don't think she's gonna like it.

JANE: (weary) Surprise, surprise. (Jodie smirks faintly and waves goodbye to her and Daria. Once she's gone:) Simmer down, girl. Do you want to give yourself away??

DARIA: No. (she sighs, then scowls.) It just pisses me off that a business can be so incredibly negligent, yet some people would rather blame the ones who try to open their eyes. Dammit, nothing in my article was incorrect.

(Jane nods supportively, but also with some concern at the bitterness in her friend's tone.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Damien's place, several days later)

(Music: "The Ballad of John and Yoko")

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting on the couch, reading the Lawndale Sun-Herald with a dull expression. The headline of the article reads: "Popular Restaurant Denies All Charges." Hyper-close-up on the subhead reveals: "Health Inspector Gives Pizza King a Clean Bill of Health." Daria looks up, faint disappointment and lack of surprise evident. Zoom out to shot that the other newspaper staffers are gathered around, some looking at Daria, others doing their own thing. Andrea leans over Daria, looks at the article.)

DARIA: That kitchen would never pass muster with the health inspector. Not unless his standards are depressingly low.

ANDREA: Maybe they cleaned up before the inspector could come. (Bt) Or they bribed him.

DANNY: I was thinking bribe, myself.

LOU: Me, too.

DARIA: Whatever it was, nothing will get done until someone gets very, very sick. (cocks a weary eyelid.) It was nice to think for one-tenth of a second that something I wrote could make a difference.

(Andrea looks unusually compassionate, as do some of the other staffers.) 

VINCE: (trace of sympathy in his deadpan) You did your best, and people read what you had to say. Now it's up to them to decide if what you wrote was the truth.

DARIA: (trying to take comfort) I guess.

DAMIEN: (coming over, reassuring) Anyway, this happens a lot. We write what we see, the people we criticize brush us off, they're in the clear. 

ANDREA: (with distaste) Happened when I wrote about the tainted water in Oakwood's drinking fountains. Took the football players getting poisoned before anyone took the charges seriously.

DAMIEN: And when they realize they've been beaten, they try and figure out who we are. 

DARIA: (disquieted) Has anyone come close to succeeding?

DAMIEN: No.

VINCE: (cryptic) We haven't given them enough ammo to succeed.

DANNY: (angry) Yeah, and I'm getting kind of sick of it. (People look at him.) More people are reading what we say, but it's still like we're invisible.

ANDREA: Isn't that the point?

VINCE: (chilling tone) We're not in this to get attention. We're in it to provide an alternate voice.

DANNY: (annoyed) Well duh, Vince.

VINCE: You'd better think real hard about what kind of attention we could get.

DAMIEN: (intervening) Guys, guys -- trust me. We can make people take us seriously and not get caught. I'll make sure of it.

VINCE: (sarcastic) Aren't we confident.

(There's a meaning in his look that only Damien understands, and he flinches minutely before turning to Daria.)

DAMIEN: But right now, let's get off of the subject: it's making Daria nervous. 

DARIA: (a little pale) Oh no, I'm not -

DAMIEN: How'd you like it if we took you out to get your mind off of things? (smirks.) We overworked staffers do like to have fun now and then.

VINCE: (frowning) She doesn't need us to hold her hand, Dam. She just had a setback. It's, like, normal.

OTHER STAFFERS: Aw c'mon!/Don't be such a wet blanket, Vince!

DARIA: (mildly worried) Does this "fun" involve some form of mild torture for your newest member? 

DAMIEN: (making Ix-nay gestures) Nope. None of that. No getting stoned, no drinking, no humiliation. 

(Daria pauses to think before sighing in a conceding manner.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (In Scarsborough, several miles away, early nightfall.)

(Close-up of Daria's face.)

DARIA: Oh the humiliation.

(Cut to wide shot. She's standing next to Damien, holding a putter and watching as her ball ricochets off of a plastic pink elephant's foot and fails to go through the tunnel that leads to the rest of the course.)

DAMIEN: Whoo-hoo! That now puts me twenty strokes ahead. (does a fist pump.)

(Cut to wider shot showing the other staffers with putts, or else sitting on the bench, eating junk food. Vince is noticeably absent. The sign overhead reads Big Harvey's Miniature Golf, and in the background we see a large castle, a green dinosaur, etc.)

DARIA: I think that elephant stuck its foot out on purpose. (Bt) Either that, or it's the cheese fries. The fat and cholesterol are affecting my blood flow. 

DANNY: (hopeful) So could I have the rest of them?

DARIA: Over my dead, artery-clogged body.

ANDREA: (looking at the dinosaur) You think I should get that for a tattoo? 

DARIA: Why not? Nothing says "menacing" like a dinosaur shaped like a giant inflatable pool toy.

(Andrea scowls mildly: "Good point," and pulls out a cigarette. Daria smirks at her.) 

DAMIEN: (to Andrea, preparing to take his turn) Aren't you gonna finish telling us about your latest crisis?

ANDREA: (unfazed) Oh, right. So anyway, since Mom's relapse, she and my ultra-religious stepfather have been at each other's throats. She keeps telling him she won't go back to A.A., then to prove that she's got, like, a shred of parenting skills, she gets on my case about getting a job so I can clean up my act. (disdain.) Like she has the right.

DAMIEN: (brow raised) Geez, even after the disaster with Pay Day?

ANDREA: Yeah. Go figure. (to Damien) 'Kay, your turn. Enlighten Daria.

DAMIEN: Lessee... (to Daria) my parents have been split up for about three years. I used to live with my mother, but we developed some bad blood between us, so I went to live with my dad, who's only interested in one thing: when am I gonna go to college or find a real job? He seems to think all I do is play video games, or something.

DARIA: (out of curiosity) Have you ever looked for a job?

DAMIEN: (making a face) I interned at the Peach Tree Gazette a couple years ago, but I could only take so much of their dictating. "Your article must be X amount of length and Y amount of sentences, and if we don't like it, we'll gut it." (looks at Daria.) Don't get me wrong: I plan to be a professional someday, but right now it's just nice to feel like I have control over my own work, you know what I'm saying?

DARIA: (nodding slowly) Yeah. (Bt) But maybe --

DAMIEN: All right, now it's your turn. (hits his ball into the hole, smiles at Daria.) 

DARIA: To putt? 

DAMIEN: Yeah. But also to tell your story. I mean, if you'd feel comfortable. 

(Daria blushes a little, sets up her ball again.)

DARIA: Sure. I guess. (She glances at the members of her group, a little hesitant to trust them enough to dish out her personal details the way they seem so comfortable doing. Finally she sighs a small "Give 'em the benefit of the doubt" sigh.) You'll probably just think it's boring. My parents are actually together... and during odd moments of inspiration, they even manage to parent. 

(This gets nods from Damien, Andrea, Danny, etc. Daria's face takes on a vaguely pained expression.) Although lately neither seems to be much in the mood to do that.

DANNY: Mid-life crisis? Possible affair?

DARIA: (a little unnerved by his bluntness) Um, I doubt it's that big a deal. (face falls a tad. softer.) At least I hope it's not. (musters a wry tone.) Maybe I could use my reporting skills to figure out where my dad really goes at night. 

ANDREA: If you can handle what you find.

(Daria looks annoyed when she hears this, but then her shoulders slump with concession.)

DAMIEN: (softly) Besides, I doubt it would help.

DANNY: (with a pained expression, as though he's tried the same thing) Yeah.

(Daria's expression tells us she takes comfort in people understanding her problems. At the same time, she finds it alarming that they would understand, given their seemingly darker backgrounds.) 

DARIA: (gazing down at her putter) That could be why I haven't tried. (Bt) I might confide in my sister if she and I were on speaking terms. But she's so obsessed with becoming a star mathematician, she thinks everything I say is an attempt to undermine her concentration. And what with my suspicions of her math teacher, she's probably right.

ANDREA: Which one? (Bt) Mr. Phelps?

(Daria nods. Andrea and Danny get sour looks, indicating their familiarity with Phelps's priggish reputation. Damien's expression becomes difficult to read.) 

DAMIEN: (thoughtfully) Yeah. Authority figures can jerk you around and never get caught -- especially teachers. And while you can't stop what's happening to your parents, maybe there are some things you can stop.

DARIA: I'll believe that when it happens. (As she says this, she hits her ball without hardly looking at it.)

DAMIEN: (looking off screen) Hey! It finally made it through!

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer residence, midnight)

(Shot of the darkened outside. A car, presumably Damien's, drives up to the curb and Daria gets out. Cut to shot of the interior. Daria unlocks the door and walks inside, looking a little surprised by the total silence around her. In spite of her parents' neglectful natures, she would have expected one of them to be there, ready to go ballistic about her coming home late without calling. Disheartened, she walks toward the stairs. Then something clicks inside her. She pauses, her expression hardening into a "Screw this: I don't care anymore" shape, before she continues upstairs.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (LHS, several days later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing next to O'Neill's desk, her shoulders scrunched up and expression dour, more so than we can recall seeing it.)

O'NEILL: (almost-crushed expression) You've given up on tutoring? Oh my... (tries to console himself.) But I understand if something unexpected has come up that requires your attention.

DARIA: Good for you.

O'NEILL: Um... (looks at her carefully, tries to get through to her in a way that would not cause her to back off.) Is there anything you might like to discuss?

DARIA: (backing off) Not particularly.

(Cut to shot of Jane standing outside the door, unnoticed, as the conversation continues with the sound muffled. She watches Daria with concern.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Jane and Daria walking home a short time later. Although they're in mid-conversation, one gets the sense there's tension between them. Daria still looks gloomy and irritable.)

DARIA: ...So we're in the bathroom, not talking as usual, when all of a sudden Quinn starts explaining why she's been so pissed off at me. (scrunches her nose, imitation.) Apparently I've been a "jerk. Not, like, a super big jerk, but a jerk."

JANE: Wow. She spoke to you voluntarily? Why?

DARIA: (face darkening) Probably just to chew me out like that. Quite ironic, considering I've barely been home these past few weeks.

JANE: Maybe it was just her clumsy, immature way of breaking the ice. We both know humility's not your sister's forte.

DARIA: Which is exactly why I've given up hoping for an olive branch from her. (frowns.) I said: "You feel that whenever I talk I sound like a jerk? Fine. Then I promise not to talk to you ever again." And I left.

JANE: Did she come after you?

DARIA: She followed me to my room, but before she could come in, I closed the door on her. (lips curl slightly.) Let her see how she likes it.

(Jane cringes involuntarily at Daria's withering tone of voice.)

JANE: My, so forceful. So final.

DARIA: (grim) It's something I should have done weeks ago. Instead, like an idiot, I let her jerk my chain around. Well no more.

JANE: Yeah. (smirks sarcastically.) And if you're really lucky, when she does find that olive branch, she'll be too intimidated to offer it to you. 

DARIA: Do I detect a hidden meaning in that statement?

JANE: There's no meaning. It's just, well... (awkward.) you might have handled things less aggressively a few weeks ago.

DARIA: Precisely. What's your point?

JANE: So... something happened between now and then to make you more aggressive.

(Beat)

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) And that something would be the underground paper, I presume? (Jane pauses, then nods.) I knew there was a reason you wanted to walk home with me.

JANE: "Reason"? (irritated.) For God's sake, Daria, we've always walked home together, and now I practically have to beg you 'cause you're so busy. 

(Beat)

DARIA: Hmmm. (Bt) So I'm guessing from your tone that you're less than thrilled that I'm still on staff?

JANE: It's not a jealousy thing, believe me. If you spent 24/7 on something that made you feel better about your life, like that you could be there for your family without having to solve their problems, I'd say more power to you.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Whereas the underground paper fulfills none of those goals. Correct?

JANE: Let's just say you seem extra bitter lately. Not just about Quinn, who may well have deserved what you gave her, but about everything. It's like you'd bite the head off of the world if you could just wrap your teeth around its neck.

DARIA: There's a lovely image. 

JANE: And for an explanation, I go to the most obvious source. (At this, Daria cocks an eyelid, but allows Jane to continue.) I took a closer look at the articles in the more recent issues, and they are cynical. I mean darker-than-you-and-I cynical. Some of them read like thinly-veiled cries for help.

DARIA: And?

JANE: Do you really think these are the best people to hang out with when you're already in a blue mood?

DARIA: Believe it or not, I do. And what's more, I don't even think they're too cynical; they're just more realistic because working on the underground has exposed them to corruption most people don't even want to think about. (cheeks redden.) I'm shocked to hear you criticize, given how you hated being labeled a "dangerously disturbed teen" during the school election.

JANE: (wincing at the memory) True. But the bottom line is that if these guys do spout an inordinate amount of negative verbiage, I hope you won't take everything they say to heart. (Bt) I mean it was kind of nice to see you grow more optimistic after spending time with Jodie and the others on "Class Land" --

(This comment briefly throws Daria out of rhythm. She frowns at its implications.)

DARIA: What are you saying? That people like Jodie are a better influence on me than Vince, Damien, and Andrea? That I'd better hang out with her, or risk emotional meltdown?

JANE: (face reddening) That's not what I'm saying. Not exactly...

DARIA: (cool) So not only do you not trust my group, you don't trust me. Gee, which of us is really the one that's changed, here?

JANE: What do you mean??

DARIA: There used to be a time when you were as much on the outside as the guys on staff. And now you're belittling them.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) What, I'm some kind of non-outcast because I don't agree with every single frickin' thing your friends on staff believe?? Didn't you just bring up the crap I went through during the election?

DARIA: Yes. Though I can't help but think that something happened between now and then to dilute its effect.

JANE: Like what? (Pause) Tom? (Daria cocks an eyelid.) Dating Tom has made me forget my outcast roots, is that what you're saying?? (sarcastic chuckle.) How the hell could you think that?

DARIA: Hmmm... wealthy guy, preppy clothing, prestigious school, mainstream outlook. Yes, I do not know how I could have reached that conclusion.

JANE: You know that's crazy.

DARIA: I don't know, actually.

(Beat)

JANE: Tell me we're not having this conversation.

DARIA: You're the one who started it.

(Pause. Jane just groans and shakes her head. Daria remains stoic, yet visibly angry that her friend has challenged her judgment.)

JANE: (smirking, irritated) Okay, fine Daria, fine. You know what? Forget what I said: be cynical. Be as freakin' cynical as you want. Don't give a damn about anything or anybody. And if you want to believe I've been duped by Tom's vanilla-flavored pragmatism, you just go right ahead. Blame a friend for caring. 

(She breaks away and starts walking. Daria's face saddens a little, as she wishes the conversation wouldn't end this way.)

DARIA: (a little louder) I know you care. But I also know I can take care of myself.

(Jane stops briefly to look over her shoulder.)

JANE: I hope so, Daria.

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Daria walking down the basement stairs with Damien and Vince, followed by shot of Daria sweeping the floor of the Pizza King, followed by shot of Daria, Jane, and Jodie, followed by shot of Daria and the members of the underground playing miniature golf.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"SURVIVOR: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" Watch the special that shows how the cast of the first "SURVIVOR" tried unsuccessfully to mug their way to stardom! You've got to see it to believe! 

You've watched the show, now experience it for yourself! It's the DO-IT-YOURSELF "SURVIVOR" KIT! Includes tips on how to construct difficult, painful obstacle courses, how to survive for 40 days on one razor, and how to screw your friends over when they least suspect it! So when you and your buddies have nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon, try having fun the "SURVIVOR" way! Rice, rats, and bug-infested figs sold separately.

It's Blistex lip balm for chapped lips. See how it glides on smooth as silk? And who's that trying it out? Why it's Colleen from "SURVIVOR"! Good heavens, another "SURVIVOR" promo? Are they afraid that the viewers will forget for one minute that "SURVIVOR" exists?? 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

* * *

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Daria's room, evening)

(Shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Where the hell does she get off??

(Music: "Yesterday")

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting on her bed, slumped against the wall.)

DARIA: (thought VO) What gives her the gall to tell me how to act and who I should hang out with?? I thought she understood me. (She hops up and walks over to her desk, where her journal sits.) If anything, you'd think she'd feel more at home with the staff than I do -- her home life is more twisted than mine. The old Jane would have felt comfortable.

(She sits down, grabs a nearby pencil, and presses it hard against the open pages as she writes.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Until now, I didn't even realize there was an "old" Jane. But the more I think about it, the more it's clear she's no longer the loner who took a self-esteem class six times. (Pause) But then who is she? (disquieted.) And do she and I fit together as well as we used to?

(Dissolve to shot of Daria standing at her window.)

DARIA: (thought VO) One thing I'll say for sure: she acts like my mother. Telling me I should reach out and be part of the more positive mainstream. (brief, sour expression.) Once it didn't seem like such a bad idea, because the popular people weren't such jerks, and my mom put down her cell phone more often to listen. Even Quinn seemed more accessible. 

(She turns and walks back to the bed slowly.) 

DARIA: (thought VO, face darkening) But I didn't realize bonds forged during more idealistic times could change with circumstances. That people you once though you could count on suddenly wouldn't be there for you... if they ever could be in the first place.

(She sinks down onto the bed.) 

DARIA: (thought VO) My mom told me to become part of the social norm, and now she's the one who's closed herself off. At least I've found people I can feel comfortable with. (frowns.) So who is she to dictate with whom I should or should not hang out? Or Jane, for that matter?? (crosses her arms, defiant.) Neither seems to trust that I have enough working brain cells to make my own decisions.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (montage, indicating several days/weeks)

DARIA: (VO) After our argument, it wasn't like Jane and I worked to keep up a wall of silence...

(Cut to shot of Jane and Daria in class. They look friendly, but distant.)

DARIA: (VO) ...we just didn't have much to say. I knew she was still concerned, and she knew why I resented her concern. Unable to bridge our divide, we've sort of drifted apart...

(Cut to outside shot of the Morgendorffer residence. Cut to wide interior shot of the living room and kitchen. In the foreground on the center couch, Daria sits with her head bent over, writing. In the background, Quinn is poring over equations. A palpable, stony silence hangs between them.)

DARIA: (VO) The same could be said with my family.

(Helen drifts into the living room, in the direction of the kitchen. Looking gloomy and a little unfocused, she gazes in Daria's direction. Daria is so absorbed in her writing, she doesn't even notice. Quinn, however, watches Helen stealthily as she fumbles around for something in the refrigerator. Quinn's face puckers with what could only be concern, and she glances in Daria's direction as if hoping for guidance. Cut to close-up of Daria, still writing furiously.)

DARIA: (VO) I've been too busy to care about my parents' marriage problems or Quinn cold-shouldering me.

(Cut to close-up of Quinn. She returns her attention to her work, leaning over and scribbling furiously with her pencil.)

DARIA: (VO) When I think about them at all, it's to acknowledge what a big hypocrite I've been toward my sister. Like me, she got deeply involved with something that was a major break from her past activities. Because I didn't understand what this "something" involved, I was quick to assume it was wrong. (Cut to shot of Daria, laying down her pen in thought.) For that, I'm sorry. 

(Music: "Yellow Submarine")

(Cut to close-up shot of Damien's printer, spitting out pages of the latest issue. Cut to shot of Daria helping the other staffers put the paper together.)

DARIA: (VO) Meanwhile, in spite of my setback with the Pizza King article, I keep fighting the good fight on the underground paper. 

(Cut to shot of Daria standing in front of the Lawndale Public Library, scribbling notes on a pad.)

DARIA: (VO) Seeing other people read my work gave me a rush that I never anticipated. With the other staffers' encouragement, I've undertaken articles that address important problems your average Joe could care less about. (Cut to shot of Daria glancing at half-filled shelves of battered books inside the library. She stealthily takes some photos.) That produce no noticeable reform.

(Cut to shot of a library shelf, weeks later. A mouse scurries across the top, causing the entire shelf to creak, then collapse under its weight.) 

DARIA: (VO) It still feels strange to be part of an actual "club". To me, clubs have always gone hand-in-hand with mind-numbing conformity -- like the Fashion Club. But the longer I stay with the underground, the more I realize that isn't the case.

(Cut to shot of Andrea in the midst of drawing and intricate cartoon, then to shot of Danny skillfully shooting up bad guys in a computer game, then to shot of Jeremy, in the far corner, strumming on a guitar.)

DARIA: (VO) The staffers are like a band of individuals who came together to form a safe haven from the harsh outer world. They don't always agree, with me or each other, but they respect everyone in the group. 

(Cut to shot of Damien standing up and addressing the group at a meeting.)

DAMIEN: (mid-lecture) 'Cause if we don't, we might as well be like them. (He waves his hand at the basement door, indicating members of "mainstream" society.) And who the hell wants that?? 

DARIA: (VO) I know where I stand with them. There's no sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't reach them, or that our relationship could veer, suddenly and inexplicably, out of control.

(Cut to previous scene of Andrea, Danny, and Lou, but this time include Daria, sitting and observing in the foreground, her back to us.)

DARIA: (VO) The staffers are surprisingly open. While in regular society they may shy from human contact, in the shelter afforded by the paper's anonymity, they can be who they want to be, and I've learned a lot from them.

(Cut to shot of Daria scanning in photos and enlarging/enhancing them on the computer.) 

DARIA: (VO) A lot from them. (Cut to shot of her hitting a ball at the miniature golf course and watching, stunned, as it rolls so perfectly it comes within a hair of making a hole-in-one. Damien claps in the background.)

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting with Andrea on the ledge above the computers, flipping through her sketchpad with a scarcely-concealed wonder. Andrea seems pleased by her reaction.)

DARIA: (VO) So much, in fact, that I sometimes had to ask:

DARIA: (looking up) Have you ever thought of sending your work to someone?

ANDREA: (puzzled) Haven't we had this conversation before?

DARIA: Yes. (She recalls her visit to Andrea's house in "Andrea Speaks!") But since then, you've had your work printed in the paper for everyone to see. And no one's called it "crap," or anything.

ANDREA: (almost smiling, dismissive) Those are just high school kids. It'd take a lot more to get me to send to a publication. (Bt) It took a lot just to get where I am now. And this sounds crazy, but I'm okay with where I am. Happy, even.

DARIA: (faint smirk) You mad hatter, you.

ANDREA: I'm with people I like, who like me. Even if I become famous, I might never get that again. Why leave the boat unless its sinking? (Daria nods with understanding.) The other staffers and me, we're not like you.

DARIA: (taken aback) What? A "conformist"?

ANDREA: (trace of wistfulness) Confident.

(Cut to shots depicting moments of relaxation: Daria playing against Danny on the shoot 'em up computer game while the others look on and route good-naturedly; the staffers sitting in Pizza Forest, mocking the animal waiters; the staffers watching a DVD.)

DARIA: (VO) So yes, when all's said and done, we're a pretty tight group. 

(Cut to shot of Vince, trying to write as other staffers watch the DVD, looking irritated.)

DARIA: (VO) Yet there seem to be a few notes of disharmony these days. (Bt) Vince has been acting more alienated. He talks to me even less than he did after my first meeting... which is unfortunate, given that it was he who drew me to newspaper writing in the first place. 

(Cut to shot of Daria looking up one time to find Vince standing nearby.)

DARIA: (VO) Even so, I feel him watching me sometimes. I get this strange feeling that he's disappointed.

(Cut to shot of the newspaper staffers in a meeting. Vince sits in a far corner, looking very ticked-off and fidgety while Damien talks animatedly to the staffers.)

DARIA: (VO) Part of his alienation could undoubtedly be traced to the changes Damien wants in the newspaper.

(Cut to close-up of Daria, a skeptical eyelid raised. Next to her, on the couch, Andrea is expressionless, while Danny and Lou look pumped up. Cut to shot of Damien, looking excited, making sweeping gestures with his hands as he talks.)

DAMIEN: I know taking the paper to a printer poses some risk to our anonymity, but I honestly think switching to newsprint would be the best way to go. Then we'd look like a real newspaper, and more people would take us seriously.

(Pan over of the group reveals some concerned, but not opposed, expressions.) 

DARIA: (VO) At the meetings, he's been urging people to take on riskier stories. Not just take necessary risks to get important stories, which is what we've been doing, but do stories that have... questionable merit. (Cut to close-up of Daria, looking more doubtful than before.) But then maybe I'm just letting what Jane and Jodie said color my judgment too much. Damien's provided justification for these stories that's difficult to argue with. And other staffers seem to think they're okay. 

(Cut to shot of Daria watching silently in the background while Danny and Lou talk excitedly and jot down notes.)

DARIA: (VO) But still... (Cut to shot of her walking home, looking reflective.) This dilemma has forced me to consider something I haven't wanted to think about. Much as anonymity has provided me with the freedom to expand my creative and personal range; much as it's allowed the other staffers to grow as individuals, it's also a potential source of corruption.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (LHS, afternoon)

(Cut to shot of students eagerly picking up extra copies of the paper that lie around the quad. We notice that the issues are now in newsprint.)

(Cut to shot of the inside. Cut to close-up of Vince, slouched against one of the lockers, reading the paper. A dark look on his face, he crumples it into a ball and dumps it in the nearest waste bin. Sweeping pan over to Daria, who's walking to class, wearing a vaguely stunned expression as she surveys the number of people reading the papers: the most we've seen up to this date. Cut to close-up of Larry, the moronic Lowdown staffer, looking at an issue and scowling.)

LARRY: (mumbling, cursing) Gah damn stupid... now we're gonna have to pour on the slime to show 'em who's boss...!

(Cut to shot of Daria walking. She smirks to herself as she overhears these grumblings, then pauses when something he said doesn't sit quite right. At her locker, she overhears some other people talking about the paper.)

GUY: Hmm, half of Lowman's goods come from sweatshop labor? I didn't know that. 

(Daria perks up: he's just cited one of her articles. She inches a little closer to hear better.)

GIRL: (distaste) Isn't that, like, where they make kids in other countries work long hours for next to no pay? 

GUY: Yeah, I think. (shakes his head.) Geez, none of the regular papers care enough to report stuff like this.

(Daria's eyes widen slightly at the praise. But after a moment, the pleasure fades from her cheeks, as she realizes neither person will ever know she wrote the article. She opens her locker to collect her books, a little dejected. Just then we see Jane come up to her.)

JANE: (amiable) Looks like you hit another homer, huh?

DARIA: Umm, yeah...

(Jane notices that something's bothering her, but before she can say any more, we hear Ms. Li's angry voice off screen.)

MS. LI: This is the final strawwwwwww. (She appears grasping an edition of the paper and shaking it.) If it weren't for their cockamamie First Amendment rights, I'd've nailed those little punks to the wall by now. Just waaaaait until they make a wrong turn. (She laughs wickedly, then leaves.) 

JANE: (murmuring) Planning to run into them with your broomstick and sue for liability? (sees Daria's worried expression, changes the subject.) Hey Daria: maybe you won't care about what I have to tell you, but Tom dug up some interesting stuff on Phelps that you might want to take a look at.

DARIA: Really? (Bt) I'm kind of busy...

JANE: Just give it some thought.

(Cut to shot of Daria walking to class a short time later, reflecting on what Jane said. She passes some students with the paper, and by their words, it's clear they're talking about her article.)

GUY #2: ... yeah it's good, but the author made a major mistake. I used to work for Lowman's, and it stopped selling sweatshop goods over a year ago when it got new ownership.

(Cut to close-up of Daria. She stops in her tracks, a stunned expression on her face.)

GUY #2: If people take this seriously enough, the new owner could take heat and lose a lot of money -- 'specially since Lowman's is supposed to be known for its fairness toward employees. I bet he'll love to have a word with the author.

(Daria's expression turns from stunned to grim when she hears this.)

(Fade-out. Fade-in to shot of Daria pouring through a huge stack of information on Lowman's Sporting Goods. She spies something she missed the first time around. Reads through it slowly.)

DARIA: (mortified) He was right.

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Damien's basement, the next meeting)

(Shot of Daria walking down the sidewalk, toward the house, still looking grim.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Oh God, I messed up. Now what?? (Bt., defiant) Wait: why should I be upset? My mistake didn't alter the central point of the article, which was that Lowman's, like so many other Lawndale businesses, cheats the customer in every possible way. So what if my mistake could be damaging? So what if, as an underground staffer, I'm supposed to hold myself to the highest standard possible? The paper's never spurred anyone to action anyway. (Still, she looks uncomfortable.)

(Cut to shot of her sitting on the couch, wearing the same expression. Andrea looks at her questioningly, but doesn't say anything. They're discussing new ideas.)

DAMIEN: (off screen) Penny for your thoughts, Daria.

(Daria looks up at him -- pan over to show him sitting in a chair across from her. Cut to wide shot.)

DARIA: Nothing -- just the article again. 

DAMIEN: (sympathy) Hey don't worry: even big league news writers make mistakes. You're not the first on this staff.

DARIA: I'm going to print a correction notice in the next issue.

DAMIEN: Yeah, sure. Do whatever you feel is best.

(Daria smirks faintly and nods, but she's a little put off by Damien's no-big-deal tone. She can't tell whether it's a sign that he trusts her to choose her own method of correction, or that he doesn't care whether or not she corrects her mistake. Before she can inquire any further:)

DANNY: (bursting in, eager) Hey Dam: today's the day we were gonna tell everyone about the project, right?

(People's ears peak with interest, including Daria's. Damien gets a pleased expression and immediately sits up straighter.)

DAMIEN: Yes, definitely. Come with me, you guys.

(He claps his hands together, hops up out of his chair, then motions at everyone to follow him to the computer. As they do so, Daria glances around.)

DARIA: (to Andrea) Where's Vince?

ANDREA: (shrugging) Don't know. (looks a little puzzled herself.) Don't think he's ever missed a meeting before.

DAMIEN: (overhearing, with genuine regret) Vince quit the paper. 

(Several startled looks.)

DANNY: Man, Vince was one of the first people on staff.

LOU: It was gonna happen sooner or later. He just wasn't fitting in with us. He never wanted to be a part of things.

SARA: Yeah. Hanging out with him was like hanging out with my dad. 

DANNY: It was just as well he got lost. He would've ruined everything anyway.

(Daria cocks an eyelid, startled by the harshness of words. Suddenly Damien silences them with a rare glare.)

DAMIEN: Vince was a good newspaper man. A great writer, a great copy editor, and one of the first people on staff. Just because he was quiet doesn't mean he wasn't one of us. We're a team and we have to respect each other. (Bt) I'm sorry to see him go.

(The other staffers glance at each other, then at Damien, and nod quietly and with obvious respect. Daria smiles a little smile of gratitude: in spite of her mixed feelings about Vince, she still remembers their tutoring session and the note he left in her locker.)

DARIA: (to Damien) Did he say why he left?

DAMIEN: (shaking his head) Vince doesn't give explanations to people. (turns to face the computer screen, wiggles the mouse to take it out of screen saver. voice takes on an eager tone again.) Here's what Danny was talking about. 

(Everyone's eyes probe the screen. Daria frowns mildly, trying to figure out what exactly it is. Cut to her POV: the screen shows a photo of DeMartino, in all of his usual eye-bulging anger. Beside the photo is a blurb that we have trouble reading. Damien scrolls down slowly, revealing more of the blurb.) 

DARIA: (thought VO, reading) "Divorced... twenty-two parking tickets... one brief visit to the mental hospital..." What is this: the Teachers' Hall of Fame?

DAMIEN: (explaining) I first got the idea several months ago: we do so many stories on teachers or public officials that require us to dig into their history, why not find a way to save time? It's a database containing the faculty of Lawndale, Oakwood, and Cumberland, not to mention the superintendent, the mayor... (scrolls down a little to show.) We've still got more to add, but you get the idea.

SARA: (awed) I didn't know this stuff. How did you get this?

DAMIEN: (reassuring) Through legal methods: public records, Internet search engines, newspaper clippings --

DANNY: Reading their diaries, pawing through their garbage at night. (starts chuckling, than catches an eye from Damien.) Kidding, kidding.

LOU: (reading) Geez... I didn't know Mr. DeMartino's middle name is Fredo. Fredo! (He starts laughing, and is soon joined by others.) Man, the next time he yells at me, maybe I should say, "Why am I a loser? Fredo's not my middle name!" (chuckles harder.)

SARA: We could drive the teachers crazy.

DANNY: Ohhhhh yeah.

(Daria watches them, feeling prickles of irritation.)

ANDREA: What if they ask you where you got your sources? 

LOU: These are public records; we could've found out from anywhere. Right Dam? (Damien nods, though there's a nanosecond pause.)

LIZ: You could always leak it through a rumor.

DARIA: Spreading rumors: there's a great way for us to abuse our role as journalists.

(Her acerbic words cut through the other staffers' fun like a knife. An uncomfortable silence follows.)

DAMIEN: She brings up a good point: this info should be for news purposes, not for gossip. 

LOU: (chastened) We were just kidding around, anyway.

DAMIEN: Do you have any other concerns about the database, Daria? 

DARIA: (embarrassed) Um, not really. Just... why is this information mostly negative? 

DAMIEN: (shrugging, nonchalant) The luck of the draw, I guess.

DANNY: It's because most teachers are screw-ups. Are we surprised?? (He starts chuckling, and is joined by others.)

DARIA: Is it right for us to keep such personal information? 

DAMIEN: No one likes having their info out in public, Daria, but the truth is it's there and people have access to it. Look at the bios on celebrities or politicians. Look at the dummies who go on "reality" TV and let their private parts hang out. Could we be any harder on them than they are on themselves?

DARIA: But teachers and public officials aren't media celebrities.

DANNY: No, but they've still got power. (a shadow falls over his face.) 

DAMIEN: He's got a point.

DARIA: So you're saying that while the sole purpose of this database is to provide simple background info for an article, you're not above using it in a story that calls a powerful person's credibility into question.

DANNY: (a tad defensive) Why not, if it should be called into question? Why shouldn't people know the truth??

DARIA: It would definitely give our paper the publicity you wanted. 

DANNY: (stubborn) So maybe it would. So what??

DARIA: Nothing. If we act responsibly, use additional sources, write the article only after the person's been accused of wrongdoing instead of trying to make news --

LOU: (incredulous) You're saying we'd use this to make news??

DARIA: No, but it's a trap we'd have to stay out of -- 

DANNY: What makes you so sure we'd even come near this trap?

DARIA: (feels herself blushing) I'm not, but still --

JEREMY: (quiet) You wouldn't mention it if you didn't have a reason.

DANNY: (frustrated) So when exactly did we lose your faith, Daria?? 

(Daria suddenly finds herself looking from one disappointed face to the next. Meanwhile Damien sits back and watches, expressionless.)

DARIA: (guilty, but persevering) You guys are nice; we all are. But that doesn't mean one of us might not use the database for poorly conceived or downright ill purposes. 

DANNY: (closes his eyes) I knew it.

SARA: (disappointed) Why do you keep worrying about how we could hurt them? What did they do that was so great? And what have we ever done to hurt you??

LOU: Yeah, come on. We're on your side.

DARIA: (more frustrated) I'm not switching sides. But admit it: we've each been wronged more than the average teenager. The temptation to get even is right there. And if we use the information carelessly, people like Ms. Li, who've been held back by the First Amendment, would have the excuse for an all-out assault. Is that what we want??

LIZ: (nervous) That wouldn't happen. Would it?? 

DANNY: (cold) Considering that screw-up in your last article, maybe you should just worry about how your writing could get us in trouble.

DARIA: (frowning) Hey --

ANDREA: (expressionless) Lay off, you guys. (Everyone turns to look at her, as if surprised she, and not Damien, is the one speaking.) Just chill out.

(Danny looks like he's about to protest, but Damien motions with his hand for everyone to look his way.)

DAMIEN: (calm) The database is risky, true. But its rewards could be great. And we need to trust that we'd know how to use it to its fullest potential. (looks in Daria's direction, seems to place a certain emphasis on his words.) Remember, we're not like everyone else; we hold ourselves up to a higher standard. We stick together: we work together, have fun together. We have no reason not to trust each other. 

(In an almost involuntary gesture, he scrolls down to a section of the database. Cut to shot of Daria. She's still concerned, but is now growing remorseful: maybe she was overreacting. Suddenly her eyes widen when she sees what's on the computer screen. Cut to close-up: we see a photo of slightly younger-looking Phelps, besides which some writing we can't make out.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (after the meeting)

(Cut to shot of Daria walking home in the dim light, frowning and looking deep in thought.)

DARIA: (thought VO) God they were upset with you. Wouldn't you be if your integrity were called into question? (Pause) But still, seeing the way they were reacting to the database just gave me an awful feeling. That, in addition to the stuff Damien's been doing lately... makes me feel... (frowns hard.) like we could be headed for disaster.

(Her pace slows as she gets a look of utter dread on her face.)

DARIA: And if you found out someone in your group did commit such an abuse, how would you handle it? (disquieted.) After all, what makes them so much more immune to temptation than other people? (She shakes her head, then gets a defiant expression.) Because they aren't other people. They're more determined, more honest, more tightly-knit, and if it weren't for them, you wouldn't have had the courage to expand yourself nearly as much as you have. So what if they release a sensational article now and then?? They're still far better than most mainstream papers...

(Dissolve to shot of Daria lying on her bed, later that night.)

DARIA: (thought VO) But still, how do you know? (disquieted.) And what would you do if you did know? If only there was a way to find out without -- (Again she gets a deeply worried expression, rolls onto her side.) And how the hell will this affect the info you got about Phelps??

(Cut to earlier shot of Daria looking at his photo, a short time after the meeting has dispersed. Cut to close-up of the bio info alongside it. Scroll down to show each line: Alfred James Phelps/Born October 7, 1944 in Witney, Oxfordshire, UK/Unmarried/Degree in Mathematics at Cambridge, Economics at Stanford/Immigrated to the U.S. in 1972/Employed at Carlton and Associates Investment Firm/Instructor at Fielding Preparatory Academy/Recipient of awards for Statewide Academic Excellence, Years... Cut to shot of Daria, who pulls away before we can see any more. She frowns a little with frustration.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Well it fills in a few gaps. But...

DAMIEN: (off screen) Got over your jitters about the database?

(Daria whirls around as he comes over, no hint of emotion in her expression.)

DARIA: I was just looking at something.

DAMIEN: (winks) We haven't finished filling info out on him yet. It's been difficult finding stuff: he must value his privacy.

DARIA: Hmm, yeah. 

DAMIEN: Makes me wonder what that guy's hiding. If he's hiding anything.

DARIA: (shrugs) Maybe he's just very boring.

DAMIEN: Could be. Or maybe there's some kind of smoking gun against him that we don't yet know about. But of course something like that wouldn't interest you. 

(He walks away. Daria watches him go, a bit wary about whether his words contained hidden meaning, but intrigued nonetheless. Cut to shot of Daria in her room.)

DARIA: (thought VO) So was this his way of getting me to go along with the database? Write an article about Phelps fueled by my own malice, so when other people do the same, I have no choice but to look the other way? (grim.) Just like with the defection policy: smear others and you smear yourself. (She groans. Then she gets a defiant look.) But they had a point: why the hell should I be so worried about hurting Phelps? What has he ever done for me -- besides causing me stress? What right do I have to put his or any teacher's welfare above that of my fellow staffers? 

(The defiant look holds for a few more seconds, before Daria's face grows anguished and conflicted once more.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Tom's house, next afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria sitting on his couch, a scrap book in her lap. She turns a page slowly, takes a look. Then she lifts her head and stares around the room, a little overwhelmed. Cut to wide shot to show how ornate it is. Just then we see Tom walk in, hand her one of two sodas.)

TOM: Find anything incriminating?

DARIA: That depends... 

(With a big smirk, she shows Tom the page she just looked at. Cut to close-up shot of a photo of Tom dressed in a school uniform, mid-leap in the air against the backdrop of crowded bleachers. Cut to wide shot: Tom instantly turns red.)

TOM: (slapping his forehead) Ughhhhh... I thought I'd ripped those out.

DARIA: I guess you missed one. (still smirking.) So, Young Thomas, you were a cheerleader. 

TOM: Why don't you just parade me around in speedos and a clown wig? It'd be less humiliating.

DARIA: I highly doubt that.

TOM: (insistent) It was parental force, I tell you. My mother heard I hadn't chosen an extra-curricular activity yet, so she threatened to have my car towed unless I joined the only one left.

DARIA: (shaking her head) Gee, your home life is almost as pathetic as mine. (She pauses for a moment to reflect on that, then looks at the scrapbook.) Well other than your dose of humiliation, I can't find anything disturbing here. (disappointed and relieved.) Phelps was a role model.

TOM: Yeah... when he decided to leave, the school held a banquet in his honor.

DARIA: Maybe he really is at Lawndale just to provide kids with a better education. (Bt) He didn't leave Fielding because he was gay, did he?

TOM: (shaking his head) Don't think so. Most students seemed to know for a long time and never made a fuss. (He reaches over Daria and flips a few more pages. points.) But have a look at these: I saved them from some old newspapers I found.

(Daria looks through them and cocks an eyelid. The articles, barely more than a few inches long, read: Teacher Questioned About Unexplained Absences, Teachers Retained For Questioning in Missing Money Incident, Mathletes Forced to Forfeit Due to Two Cases of Exhaustion. Daria looks carefully at the latter two especially.)

DARIA: Did you know any of the mathletes?

TOM: (shaking his head) They graduated a couple of years ago. But I'll bet their families are around -- you could try looking them up.

(Daria nods silently, now feeling a little queasy about where this information could lead.)

DARIA: Thanks for going to all the trouble to get these.

TOM: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to come. To be honest, I had my doubts.

DARIA: (reddening a little) Oh, well...

TOM: I hope your sister finds this interesting.

DARIA: (stiff) I'd show them to her if we were speaking. But since we're not...

TOM: (confused) I thought the point of this was to help her out.

DARIA: It was at one time, but I've since accepted that she has her life and I have mine. (Bt) I'm here on behalf of the underground paper.

TOM: Ah, of course. (smirks.) So what's it like spending time with such a mysterious bunch?

DARIA: What do you mean?

TOM: (mirthful) People who use aliases, conceal themselves from the outside world in their secret lair. Writing about dark things and dark places like a society of vampires. 

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Oh, I get it now. I suppose Jane told you about the group?

TOM: What little she knows.

DARIA: (irritated sarcastic) Through that lovely boyfriend-girlfriend bond that somehow supersedes the bond between friends. (a little hurt.) I guess she also told you I can't handle being in a club by myself.

TOM: Well she --

DARIA: (sarcastic) I'll level with you, Tom: she's right. You see the underground paper is really just a cover for this special cult that I'm in. We start each meeting with a rousing "Hail Almighty Beelzebub!" before toasting with a round of freshly-squeezed pig's blood. 

TOM: (rolling his eyes) Daria --

DARIA: I've become incapable of independent thought. All thoughts you've borne witness to were implanted in me by The Great Leader, who sees all and knows all.

TOM: (sighing) Look, I'm sorry. The jabs at the group were mine, not Jane's. (Daria looks at him questioningly.) Jane was worried at first, but then she decided she was jumping the gun and that she ought to trust you to handle things on your own. Said you're anything but a fragile person, and sometimes she forgets that.

(Beat)

DARIA: Oh. (Her cheeks color with a feeling of warmth and gratitude toward her friend for the unexpected show of faith.) Okay, then.

TOM: But (raises a brow.) I think she misses you.

(Daria nods slowly, gets a pained expression that tells us she's realizing, for the first time in a while, how much she misses Jane.)

DARIA: (sober) I haven't tried to push her away.

TOM: (nodding) I believe you. You strike me as the sort of person who couldn't stop caring if she tried.

DARIA: (catching a meaningful look, shifting her eyes away) Uh-huh.

TOM: So have you enjoyed your experience with this group?

DARIA: Um, sure. It's taken my mind off of my family. (Pause) It's given me freedom and support... and friendship... and set a standard of conscientious newspaper writing that could serve as a model for all publications. 

TOM: (gentle) And yet?

DARIA: And yet, what?

TOM: (shakes his head) Nothing. Just seemed like that's what you were going to say.

DARIA: (annoyed by his bluntness) Even if there were an "and yet," what makes you so sure I'd tell you -- the guy dating my best friend? (bitter.) A guy whose life is so ideal, he couldn't understand if he tried.

TOM: Is what you think of me? (Bt) That I'm some privileged superficial rich boy??

DARIA: Forget it.

TOM: No, you brought it up. (frowning.) You got angry when you thought I was jumping to conclusions about your group, and I'll admit that was a mistake. But then, without hardly knowing me at all, you do the exact same thing. 

DARIA: (sees he has a point, but reluctant to admit it) Well... can you prove that what I said isn't true?

TOM: Probably not to your satisfaction, no. But that doesn't mean I'm not who I appear to be: an ordinary guy with problems like anyone else.

DARIA: (deadpan) So I guess you deserve to have a great big gold medal pinned to you. 

TOM: (more annoyed) I don't owe you any justification, but if you want one, fine. At my school I'm not exactly "Mr. Popular." In fact I'm considered somewhat of an "outcast" myself. I don't care about sports or clubs, and I haven't mapped out my future plans complete with stock options. I don't like the girls because they exist in their own little debutante world and don't think about anything real. (sees Daria's expression has softened a little.) So maybe that doesn't meet your lofty standards. But to me, you don't meet those standards, either. You're smart, articulate, not unattractive, and people care about you -- you shouldn't even have problems. But then again, what appears to be isn't always what is, as you so well pointed out.

(Pause. Throughout this speech, Daria has grown steadily chastened. She gazes at the ground, then slowly allows her gaze to meet Tom's.)

DARIA: (measured) Hmmm. You bring up some valid points.

TOM: (shrugging) It's what us rich, spoiled playboys do best.

DARIA: And perhaps like Jane, I'm guilty of jumping the gun a little.

TOM: (faint smirk) At least you're not guilty of firing a gun.

DARIA: Would you, um, accept a retraction of my opinion?

TOM: Sure. And I'll do the same.

(Daria nods, reflecting that between this and Jane's show of faith, the world suddenly seems a little nicer. Then, looking very tired, she closes her eyes. Tom glances at her with a hint of concern.)

DARIA: God I suck. First my fellow staff members give me an earful, now you. 

TOM: Did you say something to offend them?

(Daria glances at him, once again taken aback by his blunt curiosity. But this time she realizes that he genuinely wants to help out.) 

DARIA: Yes. And I was wrong. (stands up, starts heading for the door.) They've got too much integrity and I shouldn't have ever suggested otherwise. 

TOM: (walking with her) Why did you? 

DARIA: (shaking her head) No reason. I had no reason. I just saw some stuff that raised questions in my mind, that's all. 

TOM: Stuff that was of valid concern?

DARIA: I thought so at the time. (stands at the door, looking frustrated.) But they got ticked off at me, just like you did, and they probably had just as good a reason.

TOM: (smiling gently) I got mad because I felt like you were forming conclusions based on nothing more than prejudice. But if you feel like you have reliable evidence, maybe you should go with it.

DARIA: (frustration) Yes, I have evidence, but it's so slim, I don't think I could trust it.

TOM: Then maybe, being a good newspaper woman, you could go look for more. Find out what's really at the bottom of your concerns.

(Daria's eyes widen at the suggestion. She briefly considered such a thing before, and it seems like the answer to her problems.)

DARIA: I could do that. (Bt., then her face falls.) But then I'd have to deal with what I find.

TOM: Would that be so bad?

DARIA: Yes. (Her face gets a wilted expression.) This group comes closer to fulfilling my social ideal than any other I know. If I learn without a doubt that corruption's afoot, I (Pause. speaks this part very softly.) I won't have anything left to hold onto.

TOM: (puzzled) Hold onto? 

DARIA: The underground got me back in touch with a side of myself I hadn't seen for a long time: the side that knew exactly who I was and who to set myself against. The side that would never let myself get hung up on stupid stuff like...

(Beat)

TOM: (softly) Worrying about family members?

DARIA: (looking down) Without the group's moral fortitude, I'll be left with nothing except goddamn uncertainty and more uncertainty. And I don't think I could handle it. It's too hard.

(Daria squeezes her eyes shut. Tom looks like he wants to put an arm around her, but refrains.)

TOM: But it's just a group of individuals, Daria: not the embodiment of your ideals. No matter how upright they are, sooner or later they'd fall short of your expectations. 

DARIA: (dull) You're probably right. Which makes it that much more depressing. 

TOM: But that doesn't mean your ideals aren't still sound, or that they're not still attainable. You just can't attain them by keeping up illusions.

(Beat)

DARIA: (sighing) Which is what I would be doing if I chose not to investigate what's going on with my group, right?

TOM: (shrugging) Hey, you never know: you might find out you had nothing to worry about.

(Daria thinks about this, then takes a deep breath and straightens up.)

DARIA: Thanks, Tom. I know what I need to do now.

(Tom hands her the scrapbook with the Phelps info, and Daria starts to head out the door.)

TOM: (leaning against the door frame) This may not be any consolation, I think you'll be all right. (Daria pauses to look at him.) If Jane's correct and you're not a fragile person, you should be able to handle anything that comes your way. (fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (Damien's basement, a few days later)

(Cut to shot of Damien, sitting alone at the computer, his back to us. We see Daria walk up and stand behind him.)

DARIA: (low voice) Damien, could I talk to you?

(Cut to wider shot. No one else is visible, which is rarity since even on non-meeting days, someone always stays around to work on layout or just hang out. Damien turns, looking both surprised and pleased to see her.)

DAMIEN: Hey Daria. Of course.

DARIA: (glancing around) Where is everyone?

DAMIEN: Dan and Lou went to the printer to haggle about prices. As for everyone else... (He shrugs.)

DARIA: It must be nice having time to yourself, to not have to cater to us staffers. (Bt) At least until I arrived.

DAMIEN: You'd be surprised. I actually get sort of lonely.

(Indeed, he does seem less energized when he's not flanked by other staffers. Daria decides to seize this opportunity to discuss what's on her mind.)

DARIA: Thought you'd like to know that curiosity got the better of me, and I found some new info on Mr. Phelps. 

DAMIEN: (smiling) Ah, I sensed you wouldn't pass up that opportunity.

DARIA: Did you arrange the screen so I would see it?

DAMIEN: It doesn't matter: what matters is what you've found.

DARIA: I found some evidence that could be pretty damaging. (speaks very deliberately.) Of course I'm not sure that my sources are accurate, but I've got such a burning desire to see Phelps put away, I'm willing to put aside my reservations. 

DAMIEN: Excellent, Daria: go with it.

(This was not the reaction Daria hoped for. She takes a deep breath.)

DARIA: There's just one thing.

DAMIEN: What?

DARIA: When the article's complete, I want it to have my name on it.

DAMIEN: (enthusiasm fading) Daria, you know our paper's policy.

DARIA: I do know. But if Phelps tries to dismiss the article as a cowardly attack, I want to be able to come forward and convince people otherwise. That would do more to shed light on his possible misdeeds than if I remained hidden.

DAMIEN: (uncomfortable) That's fine for you, Daria, but what about the rest of us? Do you want to give us away??

DARIA: (awkward) It would have to happen sooner or later. We can't stay a secret forever, can we? (Damien's face takes on an unreadable expression.) The more we publicize with inflammatory writing, the more people will want to discredit us. And not just the articles in question -- the whole paper. Anything that was ever written. 

DAMIEN: So how would revealing ourselves solve this problem?

DARIA: We could prevent the situation from escalating. Diffuse it ourselves rather than have it blow up in our faces.

DAMIEN: (cool) And then once we've "outed" ourselves, what do you think's going to happen? Instead of becoming invisible targets, we become moving targets: for people to shun or torture. Do you seriously think we could ever win a public relations battle??

(Daria realizes that some of her argument lies on the shaky ground that Damien pointed out, but she's ready for his counter-argument.)

DARIA: Maybe not, but we've also never tried. But pro journalists have to deal with the consequences of their writing. And in my case, how much can they do to me if, as you suggest, (cocks an eyelid.) my info on Phelps is trustworthy enough to print?

DAMIEN: They can do a lot to you, whether or not you're in the wrong.

DARIA: (realizing this, but:) Maybe not if we stuck together and got other people on our side. Not everyone is untrustworthy --

DAMIEN: I'm sorry, Daria, but I'm afraid I can't let you go public.

DARIA: (nodding slowly) Fair enough. And if I can't put my name on this article, I'm afraid I can't write it.

DAMIEN: Does this go for all future articles?

(Beat)

DARIA: (thoughtfully) I guess it does. I just don't feel like hiding out anymore. (Bt., with sad realization.) And I guess that means I should no longer a part of the underground staff. Right?

DAMIEN: (smiling kindly) It sounds like you're ready to move on. (He reaches out and pats Daria on the shoulder, a gesture which she wasn't expecting and finds rather comforting.) Too bad: you've been an asset to the group, and we'll miss you.

DARIA: (cheeks pinking) And... I've enjoyed being here. I never thought I could say that about a club. You guys were there to help me through a difficult time.

DAMIEN: (sincere) I'm glad. (Bt) Oh, but Daria, before you leave: do you think you could give us your info so someone else could write the article?

(Daria feels her spirits sinking.)

DARIA: So you're not worried about another nameless, controversial article stirring up the powder keg?

DAMIEN: Is that any reason to leave a potential blockbuster by the wayside??

(Beat)

DARIA: (shoulders slumping) What if I told you I really don't have much info on Mr. Phelps? That I only said I did to test your ethics?

DAMIEN: (color fading) Why would you do that?

DARIA: Because of what Vince said when I met with him yesterday.

(Cut to shot of Daria sitting with Vince at his kitchen table. She looks a little apprehensive, while Vince looks guarded and receptive. A woman -- presumably Vince's mother -- passes through, eyeing Daria suspiciously before she vanishes into the next room.)

VINCE: I thought you were with them.

DARIA: With who? The mole people?

VINCE: No, Damien's lackeys.

DARIA: (confused) What do you mean? Is there some kind of chasm in the club I don't know about?

VINCE: (sans shades) Only the one between me and the rest of them. I'll bet you didn't know I was the one who founded the paper.

DARIA: (eyes widening) Really?

VINCE: (nodding) We started it two years ago out of my basement: Damien, me, and a couple of other writers. I thought it'd be a good idea to have a rag that told things from an outcast's point of view. (Bt) Sure we didn't have a lot of readers, but that wasn't the point: it was just to, like, be able to express ourselves.

DARIA: Did you use aliases?

VINCE: Yeah, but back then it was fun. (sour expression.) Not like now.

DARIA: So how did things change?

VINCE: (with distaste) First my dad moved all the damn sports equipment into the basement from the garage. Then Dam offered his basement as our new home base. It seemed like a good idea -- 'til I realized that meant Damien got to call all the shots. (frowns.) Dam was always coming up with big, risky ideas, even then. I figured he wouldn't try anything -- not after he got fired from the Peach Tree Gazette for writing careless articles.

(Cut to present shot of Daria and Damien. Daria cocks an eyelid at Damien to ask: Is it true? Damien hesitates for a moment, before nodding vaguely.)

DARIA: (quiet) Does anyone else know?

DAMIEN: (guilty, sober expression) It never came up. (shrugs.) They're good guys: they've always trusted that whatever I say is all there is.

(Resume flashback shot of Daria and Vince.)

VINCE: (continuing) Plus Damien had written for a newspaper and he was new to the school, with no friends. He seemed like a good find. (frowns again.) But once at his place, we felt obligated to listen more to his schemes.

DARIA: (dread creeping up) Hmmm.

VINCE: Soon after, the other guys left -- one graduated, the other had to transfer to a different school. Dam and I agreed we needed new members, or the paper would fold. So Damien went scouting, and who did he find? (face darkens.) More writers? No. Just a bunch of losers who had nowhere else to go.

DARIA: (startled) You saw them as "losers" right from the start?

VINCE: (scowling) They didn't contribute anything worthwhile. Couldn't write, couldn't edit... treated Damien's basement like their own little pleasure park.

DARIA: But they're not like that, now. (catches Vince's eye.) They taught me a lot about putting together a newspaper.

VINCE: (grudging) Maybe they've learned a thing or two. But that hasn't made them less lazy. And even worse, Damien's puffed up their egos by treating every itty bitty thing they do like it's something for the ages.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Did you ever try to teach them good journalism? 

VINCE: They didn't belong. I figured the less I did for them, the sooner they'd get bored and leave. (He gets a look of faint regret, as though we wishes he'd done otherwise.) Instead it just got worse. Dam wasn't used to being such a hero figure, so he just lapped up the attention they gave him. Once he had an audience, he didn't need old Vince around as much.

DAMIEN: (VO from the present, irritated) That's not true. He's always been my friend.

VINCE: (eyes narrow as he looks at Daria) But at least I never expected anything from them. I did for you, but you turned out to be just as bad.

DARIA: (taken aback) Because I made a mistake in an article?

VINCE: No. Because you got caught up in the same crap. A serious newspaper isn't Pleasure Island, for crying out loud. 

DARIA: (irritated deadpan) Oh gee, you mean because I spoke to our fellow staff members about things unrelated to journalism? How dare I. (Vince groans.) I see it all clearly now: one miniature golf game, and it was all downhill from there. Then it was sharing feelings, giving other people support. The horror.

VINCE: (muttering) Fine, forget it. You're on their side, so there's no point in talking any further.

DARIA: I'm not on anyone's side. (frowns.) I just didn't realize you held me in such lofty esteem.

VINCE: (sitting up straighter) I wanted you on staff even before you tutored me. Knew you were a writer, and, based on what you said in class, that you had integrity. Figured you of all people could resist the sloth.

DARIA: Tilt the balance of the Force away from the Dark Side? 

VINCE: I wasn't gonna just quit the paper I founded, so once I learned for sure you weren't some preppy, I recruited you. (cheeks redden.) It was the first time I'd done it, which is why I... kind of sucked at it.

DARIA: (trace of sympathy) It's real flattering you had so much faith in me, maybe too much faith. How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted me to hide in a corner every meeting?

VINCE: (sober) I just figured that goofing around wouldn't appeal to you.

DARIA: Well that makes three times you've assumed things about me that weren't true. So having struck out with me, maybe you should talk to the other staffers more and try convincing them -- 

VINCE: (chortling with disgust) Look, Daria: I'm not cheerful or fun, and I can't spew bullshit with ease. They'd never treat me with as much respect as they treat Damien. (Pause, hint of jealousy.) Though I was kind of surprised they embraced you so completely, given you're the same way.

DARIA: So if they warmed to me, then not all hope is lost. You could still come back. 

VINCE: (insistent) It's too late. Damien's already got them hanging on his every word, thinking that his big vision of expansion is the only way they can ever feel like somebodys. They'd never listen to me.

DARIA: Well, with that approach, I guess you'll never know, will you?? Maybe if you stopped blaming them and me and actually lifted a finger to shape your damn future, you might make things go your way.

VINCE: (stubborn) I can't try because I can't come back. I'm gonna be home-schooled from now on. (Daria gets a stunned look.) My parents are watching me like a hawk to make sure I don't screw up, or else it's off to military school.

DARIA: Why??

VINCE: (cocking a brow) I had a run-in with the principal.

(Cut to another flashback shot of Vince sitting across from Li's desk. Li sits in her chair with her arms folded, a wicked smirk on her lips. She points to a copy of the newspaper on her desk.)

VINCE: (VO) The day after our most recent issue came out.

MS. LI: Welllll Mr. Rogers, it's not such a wonderful day in your neighborhood, is it??

(Vince sits there, silent and stubborn, while his voice-over continues.)

VINCE: (VO) Apparently someone tipped her off that I'd written the crappy article criticizing her "administrative actions." She started leveling accusations and making threats -- but because I kept denying everything, she couldn't do squat, no matter how much she wanted to. Finally she just called my parents, who freaked when they heard I got in trouble at school again. 

(Cut to shot of Vince and Daria in Vince's kitchen.)

DARIA: (recalling) But you would never write an article like that.

VINCE: (grim) Nope. And even if one of our gang let it slip I wrote for the underground, how the hell would she trace it to me?

DARIA: Knowing her, all underground staffers are one and the same.

VINCE: Maybe. But I have other thoughts...

(Cut to another flashback shot of Vince and Damien. They're sitting in what looks like one of their rooms, looking intense and moody and talking with the sound muted.)

VINCE: (VO) Not long before the last issue came out, I had a talk with Dam about how his schemes were driving the paper away from its model outcast roots toward the National Enquirer. Things heated up, a lot of nasty words got said, and Dam ended up saying (close-up on Damien's face) that I would come to regret we had this conversation.

(Dissolve to present shot of Damien. Cut to wide shot to show him with Daria. Damien looks pained, but perhaps a little guilty, too?)

DAMIEN: Dammit, Vince is my friend. Or at least he was. How the hell could he think that stuff about me??

DARIA: Drug-induced hallucination?

DAMIEN: Well great, just great: some pal he is. So I take it you believe everything he said?

DARIA: (sardonic) Believe the words of a bitter ex-staffer with an axe to grind? It's tempting, but would be a lot like reading an article about a certain teacher based on questionable sources. The info lies on shaky ground, and its sole purpose could be nothing more than to damage its subject. In the absence of more information, I withhold my judgment.

(Damien nods with gratitude, and it seems to hit him what Daria was cautioning about earlier.)

DARIA: But I do believe him about his confrontation with Ms. Li. Which makes this paper's foray into inflammatory news reporting all the more serious.

DAMIEN: So you think we should just back off and let the Principal Li's of this world intimidate us??

DARIA: Look at it this way: Li already found out about one staffer. Who's to say she won't find out more about us? Maybe she already knows, and is just waiting for us to slip up. If she exposes us while we're in hiding, she could make us look as bad as possible. But if we dropped the inflammatory writing or came forward to argue its value, we'd have more control over how we'd be perceived. 

DAMIEN: (shakes his head) I said it before: the risks are too great. 

DARIA: Not even if we found sympathizers? There's got to be some. Maybe the staff of the Lawndale Sun Times or the Lawndale College Tribu--

DAMIEN: (bristling) Let one of those papers steal our spotlight?? No way.

DARIA: "Steal our spotlight"?

DAMIEN: (very intense) I worked damn hard to turn this paper from a collection of kiddie rants into a serious publication. I chose kids to be on staff who society would have left to rot, helped them build their self-esteem up from nothing. Now that we're finally on the verge of going somewhere, I'm not gonna let some snotty pro tell me I've got no business writing. 

(Beat)

DARIA: (frowning) Would you listen to yourself? Where are you "going" except toward trouble??

DAMIEN: (gritting his teeth) No way. Not again.

DARIA: What I don't get is why you wouldn't want outsiders to know who you are. That you run a successful newspaper instead of being a big screw-up.

DAMIEN: (more sullen) It wouldn't work like that, Daria: I've been in the real world. They'd trivialize everything I'd accomplished, then crush my dreams and tell me I had no future.

(Beat)

DARIA: (softly) I see. So faced with a means of protecting your fellow staffers or yourself, you choose yourself. Gee, I hope they don't take it too hard if someone does find you. But maybe if you're lucky, you'll never get caught. Then you could keep pretending to be a big-shot newspaper writer who never has to be second-guessed by anyone. 

DAMIEN: (chilly) Hadn't you better be going?

DARIA: I will be. Just let me add that in spite of what Vince said, you've done a good thing making the underground such a welcome environment. A place where outcasts can hang out and stretch their talents, until they feel like they can venture into the real world. I see why people are so grateful to you. (Bt) So before you use it as a vehicle for your shattered ego, think about what you could be changing. 

(Beat)

DAMIEN: (subdued) Very well.

DARIA: (moving away) I promise I won't ever spill the beans about the staff or the paper.

DAMIEN: Good. (Bt) And I'll print that correction you wanted.

(Daria looks startled that he remembered, then smirks a little with gratitude.) 

DARIA: Thanks. (Bt) Um, goodbye.

(She turns a little awkwardly and leaves. Damien watches her with a sober and faintly depressed expression. Then, slowly pan upward, until we see Andrea seated in her loft near the ceiling. She's been here this entire time, and now she looks down at Damien warily.)

(Cut to shot of the outside. Daria opens the door to the basement and comes out. She walks slowly, peering back at the place where she'd spent so much of her time with some melancholy and a touch of wariness. She continues to walk in that same way once she's passed the first few houses. Then something lifts her spirit and she starts walking with more purpose.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Lane residence)

(Music: "We Can Work It Out")

(Shot of Daria walking down the sidewalk and up to the front door of Jane's house. She knocks on the door. After a few seconds, Jane opens up. She looks at Daria, surprised.)

DARIA: (shy) Feel like spending time with a prodigal friend?

(Cut to shot of them in Jane's room. Daria is lying on the bed, Jane painting, just like the good ol' days.)

JANE: (impressed) Sheesh, I knew being on the newspaper was making you proactive, but I never thought that proactive. Getting the scoop from a disgruntled ex-staffer. Telling your leader what's what.

DARIA: And if I focus hard enough, I can turn water into wine.

JANE: (turning to face her, cocking a brow) Kind of ironic, really. You join this group to avoid dealing with your relationships, and you wind up getting far more entangled in relationships than you ever expected.

DARIA: (sighing) Isn't that the truth.

JANE: And you came to bat for your fellow staffers when you felt they needed it. Looks to me like being on staff really did help you grow as a person.

DARIA: (surprised by her concession) And just when I was feeling ashamed for having such unabashed faith in my group. Now that I think about it, signs of trouble were there from the start: why the hell didn't I pay closer attention?

JANE: (supportive) 'Cause you wanted to believe it was a total escape. And as you said, the people there were pretty cool. 

DARIA: At least I didn't stay uncritical for too long. You can thank Tom for giving me that final push.

(Jane smirks with delight, and for once decides not to comment.)

JANE: So you think you'll ever get back together with those guys? Just because you're no longer on staff, doesn't mean you can't still hang out, right?

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: A part of me would like to think so. I regretted just leaving and not saying goodbye to Andrea and the rest. But I suspect our chemistry could only exist within the confines of the group. Once I left, the magic left with me. 

JANE: Hmmm. 

DARIA: (sober) I hope they'll be okay. (Bt) But on the less dreary side, I've got a burning desire to write an article with my name on it.

JANE: (pleased) So you plan to keep up the good fight for social justice?

DARIA: Damn moral core refused to abandon me, after all. If anything, my talk with Damien helped me see how entrenched it is.

JANE: I, for one, never doubted it.

(She and Jane share smirks. Then Daria grows sort of bashful.)

DARIA: And... I've been meaning to apologize for that stuff I said, about you having changed. It was in the heat of anger, I didn't mean --

JANE: (putting up a hand) Save your protestations. You did mean it. And you were right: I'm not the same loner gal I was when you first met me.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) Are you going to tell me that our friendship has changed you? 

JANE: (smirking) You wish, ego-girl. (Bt) Actually the changes started before I even met you. Being a loner artist type once fit me like a glove, but eventually it was too much work. Always avoiding people, living with the daily anxiety that something I said might be interpreted as upbeat. By my sixth self-esteem class, I had to beg Mr. O'Neill to give me a sign up form just so I could be there to mock him when he lectured to a new group of victims. And that's when it really hit me: there were other ways I could be focusing my energy.

DARIA: (sardonic) Like on creating the perfect pipe cleaner sculpture?

JANE: (significant look) Like on getting to know some new girl I thought was pretty cool.

(Daria averts her gaze, then lets it slowly return to Jane's. She can't help it: something definitely resembling a smile crosses her face.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 9 (Daria's room)

(Music: "Get Back," just the instrumental)

(Shot of Daria sitting upright on the bed, looking as though she's just finishing an entry in her journal.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Well okay, Dear Diary, that brings me back to the present. I don't know why I keep you around: maybe because I can hide myself in you, but it's only so I can find the strength to deal with whatever's bothering me. 

(Cut to close-up of the pages as Daria looks everything over.)

DARIA: It's been two days since I quit the paper, and so far it's business as usual here. My parents are still doing poorly, especially my mother. Neither acts like they knew I was gone. The difference is that I've let them both know, in my own way, that I'm not going to give up on them. Maybe it won't make a difference, but at least it makes me feel like I'm doing something, as opposed to nothing.

(Daria lays down the book and closes it up, then takes a look at the scrap book with the Phelps articles that Tom loaned her.)

DARIA: (thought VO) Even though Quinn and I aren't talking, I've decided to follow up on the Phelps info for her sake. As Tom said about the underground, if something doesn't feel right, I should investigate it. What I won't do is shove whatever I find down Quinn's throat -- unless it's something serious that she couldn't have known otherwise. 

(Cut to shot of Daria leaving her room, heading toward the stairs.) 

DARIA: (thought VO) I'm going to trust Quinn to be smart enough to do the right thing: get the hell out of her situation if it goes sour.

(Speak of the devil: the camera pans over to show Quinn just leaving the bathroom, also headed toward the stairs. She and Daria both pause and eye each other for a few seconds, but we sense there's no hostility. Quinn looks like she wants to speak, but last minute shyness has her brush past Daria.)

DARIA: Hey, Quinn.

QUINN: (stopping, surprised) Hi.

DARIA: Feel like talking? (Bt) About something non-school related?

(Quinn pauses, then finally nods, a faint smirk on her lips. As they walk downstairs together, Quinn looks at her sister with a worried expression.)

QUINN: Daria: have you noticed how Mom and Dad have been acting?

(Daria looks startled by her observation. Then she smirks faintly with relief.)

THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "Let It Be"]

Mercifully the end song and alter egos haven't been permanently banished from the Season Five episodes...

* * *

COMMENTARY

This has, without a doubt, been The Fanfic That Would Never Be Finished. I spent over two months on this bloody thing... partly because I didn't have as much free time as usual what with my job, and partly because it was just freakin' hard. I hit road blocks everywhere I turned. First there was the fact that this was my most flat-out serious DWU: attempting to chisel humorous moments out of it was like trying to chisel titanium. I despaired over my vanishing funny bone (maybe I'd exhausted it while working on the A.A. series), until I recalled that Daria-centric fanfics and episodes are usually the most serious. When Daria is surrounded by funny things to react to, the episode/fanfic is funny. Take "I Loathe a Parade" and my fic "Surreal World." When Daria is introspective, the episodes range from mildly funny to downright dramatic -- ex: from "Through a Lens Darkly" to "Dye! Dye! My Darling." 

Daria just isn't funny. Put Daria in a group of people as intense as she and drama is inevitable. I suspected that long ago when I constructed this portion of the story arc for the Driven Wild Universe. DWU #18 was a source of dread, as I felt it was either going to be intensely dark (i.e: the Damien character is suicidal) or mildly dark. (Fortunately, it turned out to be the latter.) The best thing I could do was to keep it from being a melodrama, which, mercifully, it isn't.

Secondly, there were concerns about how it would stand in comparison to what's happening on the actual show. As we all know by now, Daria is dating Tom on the show, but not in my continuum. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering whether people would accept that Daria could grow in any meaningful way without a "fella". I ended up trying to arrange it so while she's not dating Tom, the fanfic still sheds light on developments that are taking place in Season Five. Ironically enough, as it turns out, the Daria/Tom scene hardly seems different from the ones in which they are dating. 

Thirdly, writing an original scenario for Our Heroine is pretty damn difficult, which is why so few of my fanfics revolve around Daria. Yes, you read it here: it's not because I find Daria less interesting than Quinn, Helen, Amy, or some of the other characters I've dealt with; it's because almost every single fanfic has been about her. Daria has done everything one could possibly do and then some. And that's just in fanfic; never mind the show. In my fanfiction, I like to explore the unexplored, so I focus more on secondary characters. Focusing on Daria is like moving from a country road to bumper-to-bumper traffic on an eight lane freeway.

Lastly, "In Her Own Words" underwent the most drastic changes of any fanfic I've written, including "Outvoted." Its original title was going to be "Idol Warship," signifying a different angle. In that version, Daria developed a crush on Damien, who was revered as a near-god by the other staff members. This crush would have blinded her to his wrong-doing until she was absolutely forced to open her eyes. I ended up rejecting the idea after the first draft because I had trouble seeing Daria fall for someone once he was pointed out in a group as the "one to worship." More likely she would have become instantly critical of such idolatry, and the fanfic would have turned into another "Daria mocks people who engage in stupid behavior" story. The way I arranged it for the final version, Daria falls in love with the group more than any one individual, as it suits her longing for a place to escape to from the confusing outer world, one where her cynicism can finally feel at home. Because of this, she is less willing to be critical of the group's inner workings. Another major change to the story came with the addition of Andrea. Originally she was only supposed to appear in one scene in the beginning, as the one who offered Daria the chance to join the underground because she was leaving. Then I started to wonder why Andrea would be leaving, especially since the club was supposed to be so wonderful. That got me thinking about how far Andrea had come since the ironically-titled "Andrea Speaks!", and how interesting it would be to show it. 

Let me put it this way: nearly every scene in every Act was rewritten. I rewrote the Daria/Tom, Daria/Vince/Damien scenes in Act Three 3-4 times, and I still think they're too convoluted. For the first time, I had no idea what the ending would be, whereas with other fics I at least had an idea. I think IHOW also suffers from a big dose of Too Many Characters-itis. Out of a group of eight, I could only afford to bring four characters to the forefront (Damien, Vince, Andrea, and, arguably, Danny). Other than Andrea, I'm not sure the other characters were even worth caring about. But then again, that's part of the purpose; to make Damien and Vince so shadowy, we're not sure what's up with them.

It reached a point where, with so many characters, there was almost too much to resolve in the end, resulting in scene after scene of revealing conversations. In some ways, that actually worked out. Act One showed a lot of Daria brooding in her room; Act Three showed her challenging both Vince and Damien. A definite shift in her outlook. 

No matter what the pluses, though, the bottom line is I wrote this fic with an utter lack of love, and it probably shows.

(But please let's not start the "If it's no longer fun, quit" drumbeat, because I don't work that way. For me, writing is pleasure and pain.)

My major purposes for this fanfic were to show some of what may have occurred during the time period between "I Loathe a Parade" and "Fire!", portray a middle ground between Daria the Knee Jerk Cynic = bad and Open-Minded Daria = good, and show Daria standing on her own in an even greater capacity than in "Fizz Ed." 

With regards to #1: yes, I know Daria and Tom would not have been looking for info about Mr. Phelps during the time span between ILAP and "Fire!"; what I was trying to get was their growing camaraderie. It really irked me how those two went from "'Kay, now we're no longer enemies" to "Wow! There's something between you two that you'd have to be blind not to see!" with hardly any build up. Not a single reference to Jane's growing suspicion of their rapport in "Mart of Darkness," when she complained about Tom to Daria, nor any reference in "Groped By An Angel." And honestly, did they really need to have "Legends of the Mall"? If the writers were so set on a Love Triangle season, this space could have been used for a build up episode. But instead, I'm left trying to imagine what it would have been like. As I said, I like my DWU's to have internal continuity and a good sense of flow, which is why I haven't made Daria and Tom bf/gf, blah, blah, blah. Ironically, I got help from Season Five, where thus far, Daria and Tom have been practically like buddies (sort of a relief after the way they so eagerly sucked face in "Is It Fall Yet?"; yet intriguing: could they be headed for a break-up?). Anyway, this is the last DWU in which I'll be addressing D/T in any way because there are too many other plot/character details to wrap up. But feel free to imagine they get together soon after the DWU ends. Or not. Whichever. 

Regarding #2: I'll confess that this was more of a reaction to Season Four than to Season Five. S4, as we all know, provoked those wonderful "Daria is losing her cynical values!!!" debates. While I stand on the side of character development, I'll admit that at the time, Daria's capitulation to Jodie, her lackluster defense of her beliefs in "Groped By An Angel," the way she was shoved off to the side in many episodes, and the way Jane and Trent kept telling her she was in denial about her feelings for Tom (even if it was true) sent off warning signals. As Daria was learning to accept other people's opinions as valid, was she losing her spine? Even if their opinions were valid, did that mean hers weren't? It felt as though Daria's personality was fading throughout the season. Blessedly some of her hard resolve returned in Season Five, proving that you can "grow" as a person and still maintain your trademark values.

Still, it's worth taking another look at the "Give People a Chance" theme that was so heavily pushed in Season Four and "Is It Fall Yet?". While I find nothing wrong with it on the surface, I think that the way it was presented left out a few ambiguities. It basically said: "Cynical behavior leads to isolation and loneliness, whereas opening yourself up to other people makes you find new friends and new experiences. Sure there are pains involved, but ultimately it's rewarding." Again, it's hard to argue with such logic, until you think: what about the people who've had such painful life experiences, they can't just venture out and find friends, the way Daria could? Or what if you manage to find a group you feel a part of, but that group just happens to be cynical and antisocial? Would someone like Helen have the right to disapprove? If Daria joined such a group (as she does in IHOW), how could she complain that Daria is limiting herself without seeming like a big hypocrite? Especially if the group stresses belonging and fun without drinking and drugs, and without any obvious cult overtones? 

Also, Daria herself has never openly debated the merits of "give people a chance," versus "locked in cynical isolation." Yet it's not as though she couldn't. For instance, who's to say that she ever has been truly isolated?; she's the only one in her family with a real friend, for cryin' out loud. And she could certainly fashion an equally compelling argument against opening herself up to others. Daria might ultimately conclude that giving people a chance works best, but at least she would have thought it through first. That may be what she has done, or is in the process of doing; but by and large her seeming passivity, her unwillingness to play Devil's Advocate, in Season Four was rather disturbing. And thus far I haven't seen much active thought devoted to the subject in Season Five.

That may be because, despite the occasional snit with Tom, Daria has not seen the downside of her new willingness to open up. Everyone seems pretty nice -- and stable. It's almost as though the "Daria" writers are saying: "Once you reach the grown-up world, human nastiness fades away, and the ones who still dare to act nasty (like Skip, Sandi) will be overcome by the nice people." I challenged that notion in IHOW (not to be confused with IHON or IHOP) by placing some instability in the relationships Daria made by opening herself up. Since Daria is not used to opening up, she's also not used to adjusting herself to the possible problems. I then had her deal with it by entering a group fraught with ambiguity: the underground paper.

You may have noticed that the paper is never referred to by name; originally I called it the Oracle, but then thought it seemed to generic; better to make the paper more mysterious and hidden by keeping it nameless. Same goes with the "aliases" Daria and company use when they write. I also wanted the passage of time to seem fuzzy; we know that Daria is on the paper for at least three weeks, but beyond that, she could have spent days, weeks, even a month. Knowing Daria, it probably wasn't too, too long, because she's too sharp to let Damien's activities escape her for very long.

The basic theme of the underground is separate realities. Daria, for instance, finds that she can separate herself from outside reality. While outsiders (even Jane) believe that the newspaper staff may be a twisted bunch, she knows otherwise. And even though there's no way some people wouldn't have known who the staffers are, you get the sense it's one great big secret. Daria comes to realize that there's something very nurturing about the club, that it's a cocoon one shouldn't leave unless one is absolutely ready. She therefore tries to prevent Damien from inadvertently forcing it open with his inflammatory news reporting. When Daria leaves, it's not because outsiders were right and a society of cynics is bad, but rather because she feels ready to face the world after a bout of shaken confidence. The only real downside is that people like Damien, too reluctant to leave the cocoon, would rather bring the outside world to them, the results of which we have not yet fully seen.

Then there's Vince, sort of the exception to the rule. Or maybe not. Vince is similar to Damien in that he wants to be a part of the outside world (in his case, though responsible journalism) but at the same time has his own cocoon that separates him from everyone else, even his fellow staffers. He is also similar to Daria with his rigid idealism and disdain for others. Yet it would be a mistake to claim he is a male Daria because, as I said, Daria at her most cynical may never have been as closed off as he is. If anything, the character of Vince suggests that people's cry for Daria to expand herself might be unnecessary. Vince is a cynic of the same breed as Luhrman.

I also meant for this fanfic to be a cautionary tale for a certain online group composed of cynics, intellects, and outsiders. While this world definitely is as comfortable as a cocoon, we shouldn't let ourselves get too wrapped up in it. By which I mean, we can't act as though it should last forever (because obviously it won't) and we can't let it be a substitute for real life. And even though this group is a cut above many other online groups, we shouldn't delude ourselves by thinking we are better, smarter, less fallible than others, because like other groups, we have our share of trouble and trouble-makers. If you already agree with these sentiments, good. I figure many people would...

Are you sick of reading the word "cocoon"? So am I. On to point #3: 

So often Daria gets pushed into being proactive by other people. Just for once I wanted her to join an activity by her own free will. And I wanted her to be proactive for a longer period of time than in "Arts 'N' Crass," "Fizz Ed," or DWU #11, "Breaking the Mold." Hence, the scenes toward the end where Daria does an unusual amount of talking and persuading and standing up for herself. If you think that's out of character for her, what can I say? Daria is the one who most frequently gets slapped with the OOC label, even on the show. 

The experiences Daria has in this fic could be of definite use in the remaining DWUs... and could possibly come with consequences.

Finally I wanted to announce that after this fanfic, I intend to take a hiatus for a few months to focus on pressing real life developments. Hiatus does not mean retirement, but it does mean it'll be several months before you get DWU #19 and #20, maybe not even until after the final TV movie in August. Heh, you DWU followers should be used to that, though. ; > Anyway, to save you some pain, I've set up a spoilers page for the "final four" Driven Wild Universe fics. If you don't want to be spoiled, keep reading. ; >

Points of Interest 

Beatles #1 related to fanfic theme?: not that I can tell. It's a little ironic that the hot selling album of a wildly popular group would be used in an episode about outcasts. At the same time, the #1 album displays the Beatles' journey from their early days to "musical maturity." Many of its songs are about learning to let things go, find peace within yourself, etc., etc. Both themes could tie into the themes of this fanfic.

Damien, Mr. Phelps, and Greg -- a connection?: In the midst of writing DWUs #16-#18, I realized there was a common thread: Daria, Quinn, and Helen all did something they weren't accustomed to doing at the behest of more knowledgeable, charismatic men. Had I completed DWU #15, "The Age of Cynicism" in a timely manner, we would have seen Jake doing things out of his realm to impress the formidable Grandpa Barksdale. Did I subconsciously have a point to make by lumping these fics together the way I did? Hmmmm... I don't think so. I think it's just coincidence. If you can come up with a deeper reason, please let me know. I'd like to hear it.

Will the Pizza King live?: I'll say it now -- yes.

"Andrea Speaks!" references: Andrea's mother's alcoholism and marriage to an "ultra-religious" man refer back to Andrea's line: "My mom's a born-again. Thinks the church'll keep her sober." When Daria says, "What? A conformist??" in Act Three, she's referring to Andrea's criticism of her in AS! 

Tom: I worked hard to make him seem helpful to Daria without pushing her toward a resolution. That's because, as easy as it would have been for me to have Tom point out the solution to Daria's dilemma, I really wanted it to be Daria who decides what needs to be done, given the independence theme of the episode. You'll have to let me know how in character I kept him.

Regarding Daria's charges against him: they're similar, of course, to the ones she made in "Is It Fall Yet?" Only the difference there was that Daria believed Tom didn't think she was good enough for him because she wasn't wealthy. Here, she's basically saying he's not good enough for her -- that he's incapable of appreciating true depth. A small, but significant difference. I could see this sort of conflict rearing its ugly head again and again, taking on different forms each time. It wouldn't be a relationship breaker, but it would be a source of tension.

In-jokes with place names: In Act One, Damien mentions he went to Monte Vista High in California. Where I live, Monte Vista is the rival high school to the one I attended. In Act Three, we learn that Phelps came from Witney, Oxfordshire. It's a real city, and was to be the setting of a book that I spent six years working on. (Don't ask.) I visited a couple of times: small, cute yellow stone buildings, about a half hour's bus ride from Oxford. As for Big Harv's Miniature Golf mentioned in Act Two: naturally I couldn't resist making a slight reference to my wacko other continuum. ; >

Phelps's sexual preference: I made Phelps gay for no other reason than to take away lechery as a reason for Phelps's interest in Quinn. I don't think gay people are inherently immoral or sinister, etc., etc.

Phelps Mystery: If you feel as though the last two DWUs have been teasing you, I must apologize. I hate it when T.V. shows or books do that, for no other reason than to make the audience suffer. It's why I steadfastly refused to get too caught up in the nitty-gritty of the "X-Files" conspiracy theories. What was the point when the whole damn conspiracy could have been revealed at the end of two seasons had the creators not insisted upon inserting so many unrelated Monster of the Week episodes? In my case, I just wanted to keep things realistic. Even though Daria starts getting suspicious of Phelps in "Charge of the Math Brigade," it isn't like her to turn into an instant supersleuth and hunt down every slim piece of evidence she can lay her hands on. More likely, as in "The Lawndale File," she would try to deny that there was anything to worry about. She would doubt her perceptions and question her motives before feeling compelled to take action. 

Unanswered Questions: In relation to my above point, let me just say that this is my last "speculation" DWU -- meaning the last to build up suspense with unanswered questions. Wonderful! because with so many speculative threads running through it, this fic felt very messy to me. Anyway, questions raised: What does Phelps want with Quinn? What's up with Helen and Jake? Will Daria's experience on the underground paper rise up and bite her in the rear? DWU #19 marks the first of the "resolution" fanfics. And you can guarantee that I won't resolve things in hyped-up, melodramatic fashion.

Although DWU #19 won't be out for a while, it is meant to take place a week or so after the conclusion of #18. And Phelps won't be referred to at all! Either in #19 or #20, its concluding half.

Now it's time once again for THE MYSTERIES OF

This one is actually a mystery that's been baffling me. What in blazes is the name of Trent's grunge club: Zen or Zon (pronounced "zone")? If it's the latter, how the hell did we think it was the former? If it's the former, why hasn't it ever been said on the show or written correctly on MTV's web site? Inquiring minds want to know...

Oops!

If the Zen is the Zon, I sincerely apologize for subjecting my reader to that one different letter. I hope it didn't cause your eyes to catch fire and fall out... ; >

Shameless Plugs

If anyone would like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at kara_wild@hotmail.com. 

My web site, the Contrarian's Corner, is still at www.stas.net/wildone/index.html, but I got so fed up with "spaz".net's flaky server, I bought web space and a domain name. So keep your eye on www.the-wildone.com/index.html, soon to be the CC's new home.

Acknowledgements: Special thanks to Paperpusher for giving me some legal journalistic advice. No doubt I've distorted things horribly and messed things up for the sake of drama. ; > Also Chad Page for doing some beta- reading, and MeScribble for describing her college's "underground" paper, which consisted of plain stapled sheets of paper. Also thanks to the people on the Paperpusher board for giving me their suggestions for how the underground could be created without arousing major suspicion.

Regarding "Daria"'s imminent departure after five seasons. Well, to mangle a line from "Evita": You've had a good run. We sure have enjoyed you. ; >

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright March 2001. All rights reserved.

Index -


	19. All But Forgotten

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is [or should be] the nineteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One," "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," "Erin the Head," "Primarily Color," "The Age of Cynicism," "Charge of the Math Brigade," "An Uneasy Marriage," and "In Her Own Words." 

This is one of those "cumulative" fics, where stories from previous fics begin to be resolved. Basically, my fics up to this point, especially #16 through #18, have served to build up tension. #19 through #22 will release it... sort of. Because it is a cumulative fic, it would have helped to have read the following beforehand: "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "None in the Family, Parts 1&2," "Breaking the Mold," "Erin the Head," "Charge of the Math Brigade," "An Uneasy Marriage," and "In Her Own Words." But if you didn't, never fret: I made enough references to be helpful, but not so many that it interfered with the story. Besides, even people who have read each fic 10 times will be confused. ; >

It's a 3S. Actually, having read real half-hour scripts (which are even shorter than I thought), I can guess it's actually many sittings more than that.

One final thing I ought to confess up front: this fanfic features a boyfriend- girlfriend relationship that will probably seem like an adult version of the Daria/Tom relationship. This was not intentional. In #19 and #20, I tried to give the boyfriend his own likes, dislikes, and quirks, but suspect people will think "Tom Sloane" anyway because of his sarcasm. Never mind that this character first appeared in "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say," which came out before "Jane's Addition" aired, and was alluded to in "None and the Family" and "Erin the Head," which came out long before S4 eps "I Loathe a Parade," "Fire!", and "Dye! Dye! My Darling." Ah well, judge for yourselves, and lemme know what you think.

Oh, and enjoy! 

[intro theme music...................]

ALL BUT FORGOTTEN byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Helen's office, Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend)

(Shot of the outside [whatever it looks like; have we even seen it?]. Cut to shot of Helen sitting at her desk, phone to her ear. She speaks with her normal assertiveness, but she looks tired.)

HELEN: (to another lawyer) It's unacceptable. Unacceptable. It will be a cold day in Hades before I accept an offer so ludicrously off the mark. (Pause. Her eyes narrow.) What do you mean it's the best outcome I could hope for?? Listen here, you: I could take this to court and wind up with a settlement a lot larger than what you -- (Pause. Helen's face pales and she grits her teeth.) Oh really?? Well you may think my "star is falling," but I'll have you know I'm every bit as capable of staring you down as I ever have been! (hard tone.) And on that note: I'll see you in court.

(She slams down the phone in it's cradle. Cut to brief close-up of Marianne at her desk. She winces, then resumes typing. Helen, for a moment, stares at the phone with a competitive gleam in her eyes. Then it fades, leaving Helen looking as though the energy has drained from her body. She sinks back in her chair and her face takes on a pensive expression. Marianne glances at her with concern.)

HELEN: (catching her) What?! 

MARIANNE: Um, nothing. 

HELEN: (angry, weary) You look as though you want to say something so quit stalling and say it.

(Beat)

MARIANNE: It's just you...

HELEN: It's just I what?!

(Beat)

MARIANNE: (weak) It's just... (She feels Helen's hard gaze.) you did your hair nicely today. Yes, that's it.

(Helen gets a stony expression; they both know that's not what she wanted to say. Marianne smiles and quickly resumes working. Helen stares at her for a moment, then lets her gaze trail over to the side of the room. She gazes absently for several seconds, before finally "coming to" with a scowl. She slaps herself and straightens up, just as Eric waltzes into the room.)

ERIC: (to Helen, oozing charm) How's my favorite lawyer doing??

HELEN: (face brightening) Oh hello, Eric! I was just haggling with Joe Goldberg about the settlement for the Headbands USA lawsuit; you know how that idiot will never meet us halfway.

ERIC: You bet I do. (winks.) Which is why you'll hit him with the jury box, won't you?

HELEN: (pleased) You know me too well. (lips curl.) I'm going to crush that bastard if it's the last thing I do.

ERIC: Now that's the competitor I know and love. (pats her shoulder.) It's great to have you back.

HELEN: Back? (small, weak laugh.) Have I gone anywhere?

ERIC: Oh, well... (awkward Pause. Eric gets the same expression that Marianne did earlier.) you know you've been kind of off kilter. 

HELEN: (slight frown) I've been a little under the weather lately, but I haven't lost anything. (Bt) I'm still the same as I've always been. 

ERIC: (a little too breezy) Of course you are. (grips her shoulder in a "buddy" hug.) And before you know it, you'll have kicked that losing streak and regained that golden girl fierceness I keep telling them you have.

HELEN: (confused) Keep telling who I have? The other partners??

ERIC: They've been a little worried. (Bt) Actually "outraged" is the more appropriate word. "She's costing us millions!" blah, blah. But don't fret: I'm sure you can prove to them you're still partnership material.

(Beat)

HELEN: (slightly sickened expression) Of course.

ERIC: But before you delve further into the case, I want you to rest up real well these next few days. 

HELEN: (dazed) Rest?? Eric, are you feeling all right?

ERIC: (jovial) Oh come on, Helen, I believe in relaxation as much as the next boss; it's a holiday weekend, for crying out loud! So only keep your cell phone on during daylight hours.

HELEN: Well... thank you. But you know that with big cases like this, I usually put in weekends at the office.

ERIC: Helen. (meaningful look.) You need rest. So you don't end up getting a much longer rest.

(Helen catches his meaning, swallows hard. Marianne glances at her with sympathy.)

HELEN: Yes, you're right. (tries to smile.) Of course: some rest is just what I need.

ERIC: That's my girl! (He claps her on the shoulder one last time before heading toward the door.) If you need to contact me, I'll be on my boat. Have a great weekend. 

(He nods at Marianne, then leaves. As soon as he's gone, Helen sinks lower in her chair, trying with all of her might to keep a calm expression. Finally she looks at Marianne.)

HELEN: (deflated) So do you think I need rest?

MARIANNE: (quiet) You have seemed awfully tired, Helen. It'd be good for you to spend time away from work, even if it's only a few days.

HELEN: (brightening momentarily) Yes, I could finally spend some time with my family. Some real unhurried quality time. (Pause. Something about this idea causes her to lose her glow, and she says in a murmuring tone:) I can hardly wait.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 2 (freeway, on the way home)

(Cut to overhead shot revealing a dark sky and cars locked in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Cut to side shot of Helen in her SUV, wilted against her seat.)

HELEN: (whispering) Snap out of it, Morgendorffer! Shake it off! Nothing's wrong that can't be fixed. Nothing's beyond you... oh God. (Her face puckers.) Oh God, everything's a mess. (She takes a deep, quaking breath to sober herself up.) I just need someone to talk to. My family -- no. (She looks truly miserable, until something occurs to her and she reaches for her cell phone.)

(Cut to shot of the kitchen at the Lane residence. The phone starts ringing shrilly, and rings several times before Trent strolls over, coffee pot in hand. He picks up the phone, then lays his ear against the pot.)

TRENT: Hello? (Bt) Hello?

HELEN: (from the phone) Hello?? Trent?

(Realizing his mistake, Trent lays the pot on the counter and slaps his forehead.)

TRENT: Man, that was bad. (puts the phone against his ear.) Yeah, it's Trent. (recognizing.) Is this Daria's mom?

(Split screen to show Helen on the left side, looking anxious.)

HELEN: Yes Trent, this is Helen Morgendorffer. Could I speak to your mother, please??

(Trent stifles a yawn, looks thoughtful.)

TRENT: Sure... if I can track her down in Guadalajara. Or was it Guatemala? Someplace where they've only got one phone every fifteen miles.

(Helen exhales silently.)

HELEN: Do you... know when she might be home?

TRENT: No. But when she arrives, I gotta tell her there was an accident with her kiln. (uneasy expression.) Um yeah, accident.

HELEN: (feeble) Well... when she gets home, could you please have her call me?? Tell her it's very important.

TRENT: Got it. (picks up on the urgency in her voice.) What's wrong?

HELEN: (startled by his bluntness) Wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong. (musters a smile.) I just needed to ask your mother a silly little question, that's all. It's nothing important.

TRENT: (confused) But you just said --

HELEN: I really should be going; the traffic's starting to let up. Say hi to Jane for me, and you take care of yourself, young man.

TRENT: (still confused) Sure. Bye.

(Cut to full shot of Helen in her SUV. Wearing an expression of defeat, she lays her cell phone back on the passenger seat. Then she gets another idea and quickly picks the phone up again, autodials another phone number. Helen lays the phone against her ear and waits, with a pained expression, as it rings over and over again. Finally: )

GREG: Hello?

(Helen loses her nerve and shuts of the phone before another word can be uttered. She flings it against the passenger seat. Then she takes several deep breaths to calm herself down.) 

HELEN: (hoarse) Focus, Morgendorffer...

(She reaches into a compartment where her CDs are stored, then pops one in. Close-up reveals it to be the Elvis Presley Anthology. As the King starts crooning away, Helen seems to gain a little serenity.)

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Trent sitting in the kitchen, drinking a mug of coffee. Jane walks in, forages through the fridge.)

JANE: Who was on the phone?

TRENT: Daria's mom. She wanted to know if our mom was around.

JANE: Mom -- around?? Like she was someone who actually lived here?

TRENT: Yeah. Go figure.

JANE: Maybe when pottery wheels fly. (turns to Trent, smirks.) Which, given what you and the band did to her kiln, may not be beyond the realm of possibility.

TRENT: (scowling) We were just trying something cool for our music video. We got caught up in the moment.

JANE: (wicked) I'll say. Too bad none of you guys remembered bring a camera. 

(Trent scowls.)

JANE: So did Helen want to sign up for another art class, or something?

TRENT: (shrugs) She never said. Just said traffic was letting up and she had to go. (frowns mildly.) Funny though: she sounded like she really needed to talk to Mom.

JANE: (brow creasing) That is funny.

(Cut to shot of a freeway overpass. Zoom in on a sign underneath that shows a junction coming up, with Downtown Lawndale on one side and the Interstate freeway on the other.)

(Cut to shot of Helen in the SUV. She drives as though in a trance, letting Elvis's music run through her.)

ELVIS: "Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?/Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?"

(The song ends, and there's total silence until the next one starts.)

ELVIS: 

I've had nothing but sorrow  
Since you said we were through  
There's no hope for tomorrow  
How's the world treating you?  
Every sweet thing that mattered  
Has been broken in two  
All my dreams have been shattered  
How's the world treating you? 

(Helen murmurs along, until she notices something up ahead.)

HELEN: Dammit!!

(Cut to her POV: The signs along the road reveal that she is on the Interstate.)

HELEN: I missed the turnoff! Dammit, dammit!!! (Getting angrier than necessary, she pounds and shakes the steering wheel.) Now I'll have to get off and turn around!!! (A sob wells in her throat, nearly choking her last words. Indeed, this little mistake seems like the thing to tip her over the edge. Shaking and blinking back tears, Helen grips the steering wheel.)

(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV keeps riding along the Interstate, past an overhead sign which reveals various destinations. Cut to shot of Helen. She still seems on the verge of a breakdown, but then becomes calmer once she sees the sign. Suddenly her shaking stops, and she takes a deep, calming breath. She straightens up, her eyes focusing in such a way that says she has made a decision. Her grip on the steering wheel relaxes.)

(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV rides past a clearly-marked Exit and keeps on going.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (Morgendorffer residence, later that evening)

(Cut to shot of the outside, revealing few lights on other than the one in Quinn's bedroom. Cut to shot of Daria lying on the bed in her room, phone to her ear.)

JANE: (on the other end) So do you want me to come over, or not?

DARIA: Sure. (cocks an eyelid.) You can make a pretty wall mural out of the stains Quinn left from cooking dinner.

(Cut to split screen.)

JANE: What the hell is so hard about heating a tin of lasagna?

DARIA: Just the obvious: heating metal in the microwave causes fire. Quinn did not realize this before failing to place the food in a microwave- safe container. When disaster struck, she panicked and tossed the flaming mess toward the sink.

JANE: "Toward the sink"??

DARIA: (sour expression) It missed.

JANE: Lovely. So where were you to prevent this calamity?

DARIA: (deadpan defensive) I was watching the bag of instant mashed potatoes do somersaults in boiling water. Making dinner is hard work, you know. 

JANE: Yeah, you're a real Julia Child. So is this newfound love of cuisine an attempt to extract a really punishing sum from your parents?

DARIA: If you think I'd go to that much trouble, you must have fallen and hit your head pretty hard on the way to the nut house. (Bt) My parents are both gone for the evening; Mom just called to say she's pulling an all-nighter at the office.

JANE: (genuine shock) So you... were being... responsible?!

DARIA: (embarrassed, defensive) I was trying not to starve. You think I'd order out after the exposes we did for the underground??

JANE: Bleh, true. (Bt) But it's strange: you said your mother was at the office.

DARIA: To do a thing called "work." Very strange.

JANE: (rolling her eyes) But Trent got a call from her over an hour ago asking for our mother. He mentioned she was in traffic.

DARIA: She wanted your mother? That's not just strange, it's downright disturbing.

JANE: Your mom's supposed to be working, yet she's in her car?

DARIA: She could've just gone on a dinner run. But for the hell of it, let's go with the less logical explanation: she's using work as a cover for going on some mad dash across the country. She wants your mother to be the Thelma to her Louise.

JANE: If you were talking about anyone other than Helen, that might actually be plausible.

DARIA: Sick and sadly enough. (Pause) But then again (brow creases with concern.) my mom hasn't been herself for so long, who knows what she'd do.

JANE: She probably hasn't done anything. I shouldn't have planted that seed of paranoia in your brain.

DARIA: But you just couldn't help yourself. (Bt) Of course if my mother did run off, where would she go??

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (freeway, much later that night)

(Overhead shot of the SUV heading toward an off ramp, against the backdrop of several skyscrapers. Cut to inside shot: Elvis is singing Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water," while Helen drives with grim purpose.)

(Cut to shot of the outside. The SUV now travels along a city street against the backdrop of a bay and [no pun intended] a bridge. The street is quiet, but not silent, given that it's past midnight and some people are returning from clubs, bars, or the theatre. Cut to inside shot of the SUV. Helen's determination gives way to anxiety and muted hopefulness. Cut to outside shot: she drives down a street past upscale houses and apartment complexes.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (a short time later)

(Close-up of Helen, sitting in a chair, talking to someone off screen. She looks completely spent. Her eyes are red, with shadows underneath; some of her hair is astray, and she slumps against the side of the chair even as she makes frantic gestures to accent her speech.)

HELEN: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to be bothering you at this time of night. I was in the area, and you just happened to be in, and (musters a smile.) you told me the last time we were together that I could drop over any time.

(Pan over to show a man, late-thirties to early forties, sitting on the couch nearby with his elbows on his knees. His brownish-blond hair is mussed from being against the pillow, and his light beard is accompanied by a five o' clock shadow. We recognize him from somewhere.)

MAN: Well I might object (big yawn.) but I'm still not sure whether I'm awake or dreaming. (glances off to his right.) Do you see leprechauns dancing on her shoulders? 

(Pan over further to show Amy, the one whom he and Helen were both addressing, sitting in another chair, looking similarly bed-ruffled.) 

AMY: (sleepy) More like fluffy pink rabbits doing backflips. (to Helen.) It's not your habit to drop in on people after midnight, is it? (Cut to wide shot, revealing Amy's spacious living room as seen in "Through a Lens Darkly" and "Erin the Head," plus some extra furniture. Helen laughs in an airy and slightly unhinged manner.)

HELEN: Oh-ho-ho-ho, Amy, don't be silly! (sly.) It's an honor I reserve for members of my family.

AMY: (glancing at the man -- her boyfriend, Joel) Lucky me.

HELEN: But listen, if you'd rather (face becomes slightly vulnerable.) I can stay in a hotel for the night.

AMY: (brow creasing) I doubt the hotel reservation desks would be open at this hour. Besides, you're my sister: of course I want you to stay here.

HELEN: (cheeks glowing) Thank you.

AMY: (wicked smirk) Then I'll have you right where I want you. 

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (living room)

(Cut to shot of Amy coming in through a doorway, carrying some pajamas. She rubs her eyes sleepily and stifles a yawn.)

AMY: All right, we've cleared enough crap out of the guest room for it to be a guest room instead of a "multi-purpose" area. (wrinkles her nose.) Trust me: it's better you not ask.

(Cut to shot of the couch where Helen is sitting, her back to Amy and the viewer. Amy comes over and lays the pajamas on top of the couch.) 

AMY: And these should fit you, (smirks.) even though my clothes were a little snug the last time you wore them. So I think... (notices the silence.) Helen?

(Cut to close-up of Helen. She's huddled against one side of the couch, her face red and tears streaming down her cheeks. Amy makes her way around the couch and approaches her with some concern.)

AMY: Hel--

(Helen reaches forward and grabs her sister around the waist. Pressing her face against Amy's side, she starts shivering and crying noiselessly. Amy looks down at her, stunned. Then she leans down awkwardly and lays her arms around her.)

AMY: (whispering) It's okay... it's okay... I'm not that much thinner than you are.

(This quip elicits no reaction from Helen, so Amy continues to hug her in an awkward, but soothing manner.) 

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 7 (bedroom, 1-2 hours later)

(Shot of Amy creeping into her darkened bedroom, making certain not to wake her beau. No such luck: as soon as she's put her glasses on the bedside table and lain down the left side of their queen-sized bed, Joel turns over.) 

JOEL: So, is your sister tucked in for the night?

AMY: (nods wearily) Finally.

JOEL: And how long will she be gracing us with her presence?

AMY: Probably until I chase her out with a butcher's knife.

JOEL: Try not to sever any fingers.

(Amy snuggles beside him.)

AMY: Can you handle being encroached upon for a night or two?

JOEL: (nuzzling her neck) I have by you, haven't I?

AMY: Excuse me, darling, this was my apartment.

JOEL: So? I brought the fully-loaded PC you always use. To a science nerd, it's the same thing.

AMY: Ha-ha.

JOEL: Your sister's sudden appearance doesn't exactly fill me with joy, but I wouldn't toss her out when she's in distress. She's a lawyer: wouldn't that get me ten to twenty?

AMY: Ooh, such compassion.

JOEL: (sighs) But that kills any weekend plans we might have had, doesn't it?

AMY: No big deal. We were never going to go hiking anyway -- not with your knee acting up and my mortal dread of mosquitoes. Besides (eyes widen.) dammit, that's right!

JOEL: What?

AMY: (with dread) Tomorrow's my date at the clinic.

JOEL: Oh. Oh! You definitely can't miss that.

AMY: (mumbling) Yes I can. It's not important.

JOEL: What, are you crazy??

AMY: (annoyed) I guess I am.

(She turns away from him and sinks half of her face into her pillow. Joel plays with a lock of her hair, expression fatigued.)

JOEL: At least you can take comfort that it's genetic.

AMY: No, I can't. (frowns.) I've never seen my sister like this. It's just short of terrifying.

JOEL: Why?

AMY: (frustrated) Why?? Because a lifetime of experience has taught me never to doubt Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer. She's as steady as my father. Back in the Sixties, she even plotted her descent into hippiedom. 

JOEL: Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

AMY: (reciting) "August 7, 1968: In four weeks I'll be a college freshman. Prepare for the Revolution by purchasing tie-dyed clothing, taking lessons in controlled burning, and brushing up on my Bob Dylan."

JOEL: You're really serious.

AMY: Completely.

JOEL: That's bad. (cocks a mirthful brow.) Almost as bad as you snooping in her diary.

AMY: I was a little sister. It would have been immoral for me not to stoop. (Bt) But the point is, if Helen crumbles, my entire worldview could change.

JOEL: Why?? You're a steady person. 

AMY: Not like her.

(Her tone contains an unconscious air of reverence, which Joel picks up on.)

JOEL: She came to you with her problems, didn't she?

AMY: Which brings us to the great mystery. Why me? (She rolls onto her back to face Joel.) We've seen each other twice the past year, and talk on the phone now and then for maybe fifteen minutes. That doesn't exactly a friendship make.

JOEL: Maybe she doesn't do that with anyone else.

AMY: (exasperated) Oh please: with all that she deals with in her life, I can't mean that much to her. (face falls.) If I did, wouldn't she have come to me sooner?

JOEL: Not if she's as self-sufficient as you make her out to be.

AMY: Maybe. (sighs.) In any case, I'd have probably handled it in the same bungled fashion as I did tonight.

JOEL: Listen here, you: quit selling yourself short. You've got a lot to offer the world, including your sister. Maybe you mean more to her than you think.

(Amy reaches over and strokes his hair fondly.)

AMY: And maybe the sleep deprivation's affecting your brain.

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 8 (Amy's place, Saturday)

(Outside shot of the sky, suggesting that it's mid or late morning. Cut to close-up of Amy standing in a kitchen with terra-cotta counter titles and glass cabinets. Unlike her surroundings, Amy looks like an absolute wreck; even her glasses are slightly askew. She pours coffee absent-mindedly, into the sink instead of her mug before she realizes her error.)

(Meanwhile, cut to close-up of Helen, still asleep in the guest bed. She looks as though she did not have a restful night. She lies in a fetal position, the blankets twisted around her, her face half-buried in the pillow. A few mumbled exclamations escape her mouth before she turns and opens her eyes. For a few moments she stares at the ceiling, then slowly sits up and looks around. Cut to her POV: the room around her looks fuzzy and distorted, filled with shadowy objects that have little relationship to one another. An exercise bike, a couple of old chairs, some packing boxes, bar bells, a clothes rack, and more. Helen looks at them with confusion, then down at her unfamiliar pajamas. Then everything comes back to her, causing her to groan and close her eyes. Just as Helen has pushed aside the bed sheets and risen, Amy appears in the doorway, sipping her coffee.)

AMY: (deadpan) No, it's not a dream: you really are in Hell.

HELEN: (rubs her eyes.) What time is it?

AMY: (smirks) In Hell, it's always "late for work."

HELEN: (looks at her watch) Ten oh-eight?!

AMY: Relax, Helen: it's the weekend. Or do you work Saturdays now?

HELEN: I hardly ever sleep this late. I have to call my family. 

(She hurries toward her work clothes, which have been neatly laid out, her cell phone lying on top. Amy watches with amusement and curiosity.)

AMY: Don't they know you're here?

HELEN: (starts dialing) I told them I was working all night at the office.

AMY: So they shouldn't be concerned you're gone.

HELEN: (ear to the phone) Dammit -- busy. (lays down the phone.) No, but I should get home to them. Eric actually gave me some time off, some real time off. How could I waste the chance to spend it with my family??

AMY: (crossing her arms) And who am I? The mildew in your sink pipe?

(Beat. Helen turns to look at her, gets a deeply apologetic expression.)

HELEN: I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean -- I just assumed you and your boyfriend would have made your own plans. 

AMY: (cocks a brow) Perhaps. Perhaps not. (Bt) So then you feel as though everything's been taken care of.

HELEN: (face brightening) Oh yes. (comes over to Amy and lays a hand on her shoulder with gratitude.) I want to thank you for putting me here for the night. I honestly don't know what came over me. 

AMY: Brain seizure caused by cell phone radiation?

HELEN: (rolls her eyes) Oh Amy... 

(She gives Amy a hug, which succeeds in disarming the Cynical Aunt. Her face softened, she watches as Helen walks back over to where her work clothes are gathered. Although Amy doesn't buy Helen's miraculous turn-around for one second, she decides not to press, at least for the time being.)

AMY: It's too bad you couldn't stay an extra day. I could show you more than the confines of this place.

HELEN: (stunned) This is the first time I've seen your home, isn't it?

AMY: (smiles) Any of my homes since I stopped living with Mom and Dad. 

HELEN: I never realized. (Her forehead creases with discomfort.) There must be so much I don't know about your...

(Something dangling from a handle bar or the exercise bike catches her eye. Helen reaches over and takes it, holds it up to Amy with a curious expression. Handcuffs.)

AMY: (rolling her eyes) Don't ask. 

(Dissolve to a short time later. Still dressed in Amy's pajamas, Helen takes a stroll around the apartment. From the look on her face, it's clear she approves of Amy's taste. She moves from the hallway to the living room, taking a good look at the furniture and the modern artwork. Some of the furniture appears to be mismatched, as though it were added to an already completed set, but looks handsome nonetheless. Helen heads toward the bay window, from which the curtains have been drawn back, allowing one to view a leafy courtyard below and the city skyline and part of the ocean in the near distance. As she gazes out the window, Helen gets an expression that says, "It sure would be nice to wake up to this every morning." She then turns and looks at something off screen. At first Helen's face registers shock, but then it softens immeasurably. She stares at the object for a little while longer before turning around and heading toward the hallway. When she finds Amy pouring more coffee in the kitchen:)

HELEN: You know, it wouldn't hurt me to stay a while longer. 

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Helen and Eric, followed by shot of Trent talking into the coffee pot, followed by shot of Jane and Daria on the phone, followed by shot of Helen holding out the handcuffs to Amy.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"Next Monday, on the Ten Spot: It's the concluding half of 'All But Forgotten.' All of your questions will be addressed. Don't you hate two-parters?" 

The commercials where the "teenager" tries to get people to buy a Pentium 3 processor. It was cute the first time, when he used sophisticated props to convince his dad, less cute when he started going door to door to convince other people's parents. And now that he's stopping people in public places...

I hope they've finally stopped running those karaoke ads. Is selling jeans really worth butchering the song "Downtown"? 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer residence, late morning)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn standing in the kitchen, fishing a box of super-healthy bran flakes out of the cupboard. Just as she's getting a bowl, we see Daria walk past her to the sink, phone in one hand, plate of cake crumbs in the other.)

QUINN: (eyeing the plate with disgust) Cake for breakfast again?? Can't you eat something healthy??

DARIA: I did. (lays her plate in the sink.) It's low-fat cake.

QUINN: You're gonna end up like one of those blob people who can't do anything but sit in bed and watch T.V. all day.

DARIA: At least that'd give me an excuse.

QUINN: (smirks) If Mom saw you, you'd be in so much trouble.

DARIA: Mom's not here.

QUINN: This time. 

DARIA: No, I mean she's not here. Not here in town. (glances down at the phone.) She called while you were in the shower.

QUINN: (surprised) Where is she?

DARIA: At Amy's.

QUINN: Why? Is Aunt Amy sick, or something?

DARIA: (cocking a skeptical brow) Possibly. According to Mom, some crisis of Amy's compelled her to abandon work and drive up to be with her.

QUINN: Sounds bad: she's never done that for us.

DARIA: (as though her thoughts are elsewhere) Right.

QUINN: I hope Amy's not having more problems with that Joel. Stacy told me she heard you could get so depressed after fighting with a guy, you only eat ice cream and wear the same baggy clothes. 

DARIA: Once again, you've failed to illustrate the downside.

QUINN: So if Mom's with Aunt Amy and Dad's not around... I guess you and I are by ourselves again. (Her face loses some of its glow.)

(Daria looks at her, and something in Quinn's expression causes her to think of something. She glances down at the phone again.)

DARIA: Hold that thought: I'll be right back.

(Daria heads upstairs with the phone. Quinn gets a look of abandonment.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Amy's place, at that time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Amy standing in front of a closet near the front door, trying to decide which coat to select. Helen walks over, tugging on the blazer Amy'd lent her, having ended the phone call with Daria minutes earlier.)

AMY: (cocking a brow) You lied to your own child.

HELEN: (ashamed, but resolute) Well I already lied to her once. No harm in finishing what I started.

AMY: But you painted me to look like the basket case. How fair is that?

HELEN: So you'd rather I tell her the truth: that her mom "lost it" and ran up to see you? She'd never let me forget it.

AMY: You're giving Daria too little credit.

HELEN: Once when I was weak with the flu, she got me to agree to never make her join an activity without a minimum bribe of thirty dollars. I even signed on it.

AMY: (smirks) Clever girl. But surely she'd know this is different.

HELEN: (quiet) I just don't want her to know. Any of them. (lowers her eyes.) They depend on me so much, I wouldn't want to give them reason to worry.

(Amy cocks a brow with mild sympathy. Before she can say any more, we hear a musical ring in the next room.)

JOEL: (walking on screen, buttoning his cuffs) Ame, isn't that your work cell?

AMY: Yes. (sour look.) Tell people you don't want weekend calls and they'll think you're using reverse psychology. Hold on.

(She leaves. Cut to shot of her moments later in her bedroom, picking up a cell phone which was lying carelessly on a chair and putting it to her ear.)

AMY: (deadpan) You've reached Papa Risotto's Pizza Delivery Service, proudly roach-free for seven months. How may I help you? DARIA: (VO) You could start by not mentioning food hygiene. 

AMY: (surprised, but reacts quickly) Not even the flies in our secret sauce? 

(Split screen to show Daria turning green on the other end.)

AMY: So how'd you find my secret number? 

DARIA: You left it for me in case of an emergency. This seemed like the right occasion. 

AMY: Household a wreck without Mom?

DARIA: So my mom is with you?

AMY: Yes. (Bt., surprised by her niece's question.) But if you want her back, I'll accept nothing less than ten thousand in small unmarked bills.

DARIA: (can't think of a comeback) Was she with you last night?

AMY: Why do you ask? 

DARIA: She wasn't at her office. Something Jane said made me check her work phone... a few times. (reddens.) When she didn't answer, I thought...

(Beat)

AMY: (gentle) She showed up here late last night. As far as I know, she never stopped anywhere else. 

(Daria exhales silently.)

DARIA: Well that's nice to hear. (awkward.) So I guess I'll just go skipping off into the sunset. Sorry to bother you...

AMY: (gently pressing) Daria? Is there anything I should know about?

(Pause. Daria considers how much to tell Amy about the mood around her house over the past month, whether to go over her various speculations. Finally she reduces her concerns to their barest form.)

DARIA: Just that my parents haven't exactly been getting along. (Bt) Not even enough to argue like they usually do.

AMY: (frowning mildly) I see.

(Beat)

DARIA: Aunt Amy? You'll keep Mom from doing anything... she might regret... won't you?

(Pause) 

AMY: (softly) You can count on it.

(Cut to full-screened shot of Daria, shortly after the phone call. She gazes at the phone with a faintly reassured expression. Her thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice off screen.)

JAKE: (VO) Gah! We're out of Sugared O's!

(Daria swivels around to face the door and hops off the bed. Quickly, she leaves the room and heads downstairs.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (kitchen)

(Cut to shot of Quinn seated at the counter, eating her cereal slowly. Her eyes are on Jake, off screen. Daria comes up and stands beside her. Pan to show Jake rummaging through the cupboard in search of edible cereal, dressed in a rumpled T-shirt and jeans... possibly last night's outfit. Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn. They glance at each other, silently communicating disturbed thoughts. Cut to shot of Jake. He pauses on Quinn's box of health cereal, shakes it slightly to see how full it is, then slides it back into the cupboard as if he'd never seen it.)

JAKE: (goes over to the fridge) Dammit, there's not one lousy stinking thing to eat in this whole house! (opens the fridge door.) Ooh, cake!

DARIA: It does a body good.

(Jake takes the box out, glances around uneasily.)

JAKE: What your mother doesn't know won't hurt her. You girls won't tell, will you?

(Again, Daria and Quinn look at each other, bothered by their father's choice of words.)

QUINN: Actually, Dad --

(She's quickly silenced by Daria, who feels it's the wrong time to mention that Helen has gone away.)

DARIA: (different tactic) I think she might be more concerned with you breaking curfew, young man.

JAKE: (distressed) Aww, but I told her before we left for work that I was gonna be out late last night! Don't tell me she forgot.

DARIA: Um, you could say that.

QUINN: (annoyed) You've been out, like, a lot lately.

DARIA: Does this secret other family of yours make you change light bulbs into the wee hours of night?

JAKE: (face bright red) "Other" family?? Wh-what do you mean?? 

QUINN: She's kidding, Dad. (Bt) I think?

JAKE: Oh yeah. (chuckles uneasily.) Good one, kiddo.

DARIA: (deadpan) Thanks. (Bt) So if it's not another family, what is making you burn the midnight oil?

JAKE: (face lights up) Oh man, all kinds of stuff! I haven't felt so alive since I was back in college. You girls would love it! 

QUINN: Would you take us??

JAKE: Well su-- (His face falls, as if he's remembering something.) Um, actually, I don't think it'd be your thing. 

QUINN: But you just said --

JAKE: C'mon you guys (chuckles.) you never want to hang out with your old man. You're always busy with dates and T.V. and stuff.

DARIA: (quietly acknowledging this) We'd make an exception in this case.

JAKE: And Quinn, sweetie, don't you have that important math thing coming up?

QUINN: The Advanced Placement test? But that's weeks away.

JAKE: (uncomfortable) Well, um... no time to study like the present.

DARIA: Dad, has it escaped your attention? We just offered to spend time with you. As in voluntarily. 

QUINN: (turning on the guilt-trip charm) Don't you want to enjoy the last fleeting moments of daddy-daughter bonding before Daria and I, like, head off into the sunset of college?

DARIA: Or the penitentiary.

JAKE: (guilty, yielding) Aw geez... you're right. I should spend more time with you guys. (Bt) Maybe you could hang with me when I do the weeding this afternoon.

QUINN: Ewww, Dad! Not chores!

JAKE: (confused) But you said --

DARIA: (cutting to the gist) What would be so bad about us coming with you on one of your outings?

(She and Quinn both tensely wait for a response.)

JAKE: (reddening) I'd like to, girls, I really would. (lays the now-empty cake box on the counter.) But... aw, I just can't! (distressed.) I don't think you'd ever understand, and you'd be way too mad at me, anyway. (lowers his head and walks away.) I'm sorry.

(When he's gone, Quinn gets a look that verges on panic.)

QUINN: He didn't even ask where Mom was. It's like he doesn't even care.

DARIA: (more calm, but still alarmed) Now, now. Let's not jump to any conclusions.

QUINN: (face falling) Okay. (Pause) So what do we do now?

(Beat)

DARIA: I'm going to call Jane.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 4 (a fancy restaurant, noon)

(Shot of a tall building with reflecting walls. Slow zoom in on the top floor. Cut to wide shot of the interior, showing several tables with fancy white cloths and nicely-dressed people seated at them, against the backdrop of a panoramic view of the city. Light piano music plays in the background. Cut to close-up of a waiter at one table, pouring coffee. He nearly spills it as the piano player suddenly hits several discordant notes all at once. Cut to another table. The people pause in the midst of eating their brunch as the piano player launches into a rendition of Queen's "We Are the Champions." Cut to shot of Amy and Helen, seated across from each other at a table near the window. Amy calmly sips a mimosa, while Helen glances off screen, blushing with mortification.)

AMY: So did I mention that Joel's a talented musician?

(Cut to shot of him seated at a grand piano not far away, plunking away at the keys with a lot of gusto, often striking the wrong ones.)

AMY: (off screen) Just not on the piano.

(Cut to shot of a waiter heading over to the maitre d', then whispering and looking at Joel with a menacing expression. Cut to shot of Amy and Helen, moments later. Amy smirks with amusement and sympathy as her boyfriend appears, looking his best to seem nonchalant.)

JOEL: (sitting down) That should teach 'em to hold up our orders.

AMY: Mr. Perfect couldn't master the piano keys in five minutes' time? I'm disappointed.

JOEL: (sheepish) I swear they tuned that thing all wrong. (looks at Helen, smirks.) Geez, I'm an engineer, jazz clarinetist, conqueror of all two hundred levels of Internet Dragon Slayer, an interpreter of animal sounds --

AMY: And modest, too.

JOEL: -- and it still isn't enough. You can't please this woman. (Amy reaches into her purse and takes out a twenty, which she slips him as she leans over to give him a smooch on the lips. They'd made a bet, and she'd lost. Helen looks as though she'd like to melt into her seat.)

HELEN: (irritated, but can't hide a touch of amusement) You two make me feel like I'm out with my daughters.

AMY: Funny: I thought Daria and Quinn would be more mature.

HELEN: Does it even worry you that we might get thrown out?

AMY: We won't, Helen, trust me. They know us here.

HELEN: (rolling her eyes) And I suppose you'll tell me you've pulled these stunts before and nothing's come of it.

AMY: Well if you mean the same stunts...

JOEL: Only when we've been treated rudely. When threatening to not pay has no effect on them. 

AMY: When they have the gall to charge ten dollars for a plate of raw asparagus.

JOEL: So about... (furrows his brow.) all but two times.

HELEN: Then why even come?

AMY: (incredulous) Are you kidding? (turns toward the window.) Would you look at the view??

(Helen groans and shakes her head. Joel looks meaningfully at Amy.)

JOEL: Change of subject?

AMY: Go for it.

JOEL: (leaning back, smirking) So what do mature women like yourself do for fun, Helen?

HELEN: (face lighting up) Oh many things. Especially -- (Inexplicably, her face loses its glow.) um... nothing. 

(Joel cocks a quizzical eyebrow and glances at Amy.)

AMY: (gently prodding) You like sculpting, don't you?

HELEN: I used to. (a little curt.) But not anymore.

(Amy raises a brow at her tone, then glances at Joel, who makes another attempt.)

JOEL: Yeah, some people get all the pleasure they need from their jobs. Amy told me you're one hell of a lawyer.

HELEN: How sweet of her. (She smiles faintly at her sister, then her expression darkens into gloom once more.) 

(Joel shakes his head at Amy: "All right, now what??" "Damned if I know," her expression replies. Amy realizes she needs to confront what's bothering Helen, but now is not the time or place. As the waiter appears with their food, Joel gets another thought.)

JOEL: All righty... (He spears his eggs and glances back and forth between Helen and his significant other.) Now that I've finally got more than one Barksdale sister here, I'm dying for answers to the many questions I have.

(This shakes Helen out of her funk. With a hint of surprise and bemusement, she looks at Amy. Amy wiggles her brows.)

AMY: Think we should indulge him?

HELEN: If his questions get too personal, we'll plead the Fifth. 

JOEL: Amy's shown me photo albums of when you guys were young. So it's always been you three girls, right?

HELEN: Yes.

AMY: There was a fourth sister, but she broke with us over creative differences.

JOEL: (knowing half-smirk) Was Amy really the lonely, neglected waif growing up that she makes herself out to be?

(Amy rolls her eyes, a little annoyed by his choice of words.)

HELEN: She certainly wasn't. The age difference may have contributed to her feeling left out, but she was no worse off than me or Rita. (pointedly.) In fact, I'd say she had a few things better.

AMY: Ooh, do tell.

HELEN: At least when she couldn't drive, she could always snap her fingers and one of us would chauffeur her around.

AMY: Usually to someplace I didn't want to go.

HELEN: She had a nice, normal childhood -- yes, you did -- in a quiet suburb with her whole family intact. She wasn't shuffled off to four new locations in six years where she had to make friends quickly if she wanted any at all.

JOEL: That'd be no problem for you, right Ame?

AMY: Wherever I go, popularity follows.

HELEN: In that atmosphere, developing the right networking skills was essential. And she didn't have to hover about her mailbox or the phone waiting for some word from our father stationed overseas.

AMY: (shadow on her face) Nope. I had to deal with him at home.

JOEL: (to Helen) How often was he away?

HELEN: A lot. (hint of pride.) Dad was a very important man in the armed services. They'd keep him abroad for months at a time, first in post-war Germany, then in Korea. There were a couple of years when we were lucky to see him for even a few months.

AMY: Amazing he found time to sire his young. 

HELEN: (raising a brow at her) But at least he never forced us to relocate to another country. God knows how disruptive that would have been. Right before Amy was born, he retired from the army for good.

AMY: To embrace his true love: aluminum siding.

HELEN: Our family business, which he ran very successfully. 

AMY: (hushed) But not enough to forget what he gave up. 

HELEN: (to Joel) And so these early experiences explain why my family is so important to me, why I try to make time for them every evening. Because I remember what it was like to miss a parent and wonder when he'd be coming home -- (recalls her current situation.) I mean... I mean...

(Helen gazes down at her food, looking very distressed. Joel looks at her as though he's sorry he brought up the subject. Amy's expression changes from peevish to sympathetic, and she tries to think of a way to ease the tension.) 

AMY: (smirk) All right, I plead "uncle." My childhood wasn't as overtly dysfunctional as Helen's was. (glances at Joel.) Or yours. 

JOEL: So it was covertly dysfunctional?

AMY: By the time I came of age, it seemed like we'd been living in Rutherford forever. We all had our little routines down.

HELEN: (polishing off her mimosa) Routines?

AMY: You know. (cocks a brow.) Mother was the happy society matron with a million activities that she claimed were all of dire importance, but you know were just an excuse to keep her out of the kitchen.

(Helen lets out a little groan and looks at Joel as if to say, "What are we going to do with her?")

AMY: Dad worked twelve hour days and even longer weekends. Rita had a knack for strategy games like chess, but wisely never let it shine through her homecoming queen persona. And as for you, my dear Helen --

HELEN: (bemused) Yes, what was I, Amy darling? Overworked? Stressed-out by too many activities and too much responsibility? Don't think for one minute I don't know what you're going to say.

(Beat)

AMY: You were someone who always strove to be something she wasn't.

(Helen's eyes widen slightly; clearly she didn't expect that reply.)

JOEL: (bemused) What kind of something?

(Amy responds by tipping the last of her mimosa into her mouth.)

(cut to: ) 

SCENE 5 (Pizza King, afternoon)

(Shot of the outside. Zoom in on a sign in the window: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT.)

QUINN: (OS) You mean someone's actually DIED from eating here?!

(Cut to wide shot, where we see that Daria and Quinn are seated across from Jane in the booth. Jane groans and slaps her forehead.)

JANE: For the thousandth time, no!

DARIA: I told you we should go to the Flaming Chili Barn, but you just had to be adventurous. 

(She picks up a slice and eyes it warily before nibbling at the edge. Quinn, of course, avoids it altogether.)

JANE: All right, we've established that you're beyond the point of denial, where your dad's extra-strange behavior could all be in your head. Correct? (Daria and Quinn nod slowly.) So what would be the harm in following him?

DARIA: Besides risking our necks in the dead of night for evidence that could be inconclusive at best. 

QUINN: (emphatic) I won't go after midnight: cold night air is bad for the skin.

DARIA: (to Jane) Then sneaking out after midnight it is.

(This gets a smirk from Jane, but Quinn doesn't appreciate it. Her cheeks redden and her expression becomes irritated.)

JANE: So have you given this prior thought?

DARIA: Yes, but not seriously. I was too afraid of what I'd find.

QUINN: (face brightening) Daria, maybe we could ask the Guptys to help us again. It worked the last time. 

DARIA: Well they have finally lifted that restraining order. But...

(The expression on her face is clear: "This isn't like the last time." Quinn picks it up and nods quietly.)

QUINN: Then maybe we should just ask Dad where he goes. Tell him it, like, hurts us that he keeps it a secret.

DARIA: Good idea. (deadpan.) Please Dad, tell us where you go. It hurts me when you keep it a secret.

(Jane erupts in a fit of chuckling.)

QUINN: (frowning) Fine. Forget I said anything. (She slumps against the back of the seat.)

JANE: Now, now, what's the worst thing that could happen if you did ask him?

DARIA: Nothing... except he would evade.

JANE: Even if you made your eyes all big and sweetie-poo?

DARIA: Then he'd want my head examined. (sighs.) I've given him every opportunity to 'fess up, and each time he's come close, something has stopped him.

JANE: Hey! Have you tried --

DARIA: His wallet is clean.

JANE: Damn.

DARIA: Following him is the only way to produce results, I guess. JANE: At least it'd be better than waiting for the other shoe to drop. (mischievous.) Be sure to go disguised.

DARIA: (nods) All I need is my trusty accordion and a pet monkey.

(Dissolve to sometime later. Daria and Jane have parted with Quinn, and are now walking up to the Lanes' front door.)

DARIA: Thanks for agreeing to meet with us.

JANE: Hey, I'm not so busy that I couldn't be there for you in your time of crisis. Tom would be, too, if his parents hadn't dragged him to some fundraiser.

DARIA: Thus the true reason you were free.

JANE: Oh come on, Daria, give me some credit. I felt really bad about skipping out on you the last time your parents had a marital split.

DARIA: And missing the Guptys' vacuous meddling had nothing to do with it, I'm sure. 

JANE: This time I want to be there for all the dirt, dammit. (Her jovial mood dims somewhat as she opens the door.) Hey... I'm sorry I didn't tell you about your dad and the Greg thing sooner. 

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) At least you waited until Quinn was gone. 

JANE: (contrite) It's just that as far as I could tell, nothing ever went on between Greg and your mother. (quickly.) And telling you would've meant telling you I was volunteering at your mother's art class in the first place, and she just seemed so happy sculpting, I didn't have the heart to make fun of her, and --

DARIA: I get it, Brittany. (defensive.) And I wouldn't've made fun of her. Once the novelty wore off. 

JANE: (softly) So, do you think the Greg thing is somehow connected?

(Beat)

DARIA: On the surface, it doesn't seem like it. Dad's the only one of my parents with the mysterious life. Unless it's a lot more twisted than it appears.

JANE: Dare we think?

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Maybe my dad's having an affair with Greg.

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (driving along, afternoon)

(Shot of the convertible traveling down a busy city street. Amy drives, while Joel rides shotgun and Helen sits in the back beside a clarinet case. Amy glances at Helen in the rear view mirror, and sees that her gloom has returned. She sighs inwardly.)

(Dissolve to sometime later. The car is parked in the lot of a grand civic center composed of shiny glass buildings and outdoor theatricals. In the central court yard, Helen sits on a grey cinder block, seemingly unmoved by clowns walking around her on stilts or a Middle Eastern folk band playing nearby. Amy and Joel sit off in a corner in an effort to avoid the crowd, observing.)

JOEL: (noting Amy's concerned look) We can't make her stay if she doesn't want to.

AMY: Who says I'm making her stay? She's the one who asked. (brow creases.) In all honesty, I think she's afraid to leave.

JOEL: But has yet to tell you why?

AMY: (nods slowly) I'll get it from her somehow. If she won't volunteer, I'll have to fire up my poker. (cocks a brow.) Besides, I made a promise.

JOEL: Promise?

AMY: To make sure she doesn't get into trouble. (lays a hand on her forehead.) God, it's like a fox promising to guard the hen house.

(Joel squeezes her other hand and checks his watch.)

JOEL: Damn, I'd better run. But while you hang out with your sister, you won't forget your own stuff will you?

AMY: (rolls her eyes) Oh, right.

JOEL: There's still time.

AMY: I know. (Cut to shot of Helen, staring at her cell phone like she feels she should use it, but doesn't have the will. Moments later, Amy walks over to her, alone.)

HELEN: Oh hi, Amy. (glances around.) Where did your boyfriend run off to?

AMY: He'd made a prior date with his friend to work on their jazz medley, so he's taking the subway over. We'll see him later.

HELEN: Oh. (Bt., uncomfortable) That wasn't the only prior commitment he'd made, was it? 

AMY: No, but the one to jam with Louis Armstrong fell through.

HELEN: Amy, I'm serious. I keep feeling as though I've interfered with something. Two young, energetic people such as Joel and yourself must have made holiday weekend plans.

AMY: Wow: "young" and "energetic". I'm truly flattered. (brow furrows.) But trust me: if you were in the way of something important, I'd have directed you back onto the interstate hours ago. 

HELEN: (relieved) All right. 

(She and Amy head toward the car. As they do so, Helen cocks a knowing brow at her sister.)

HELEN: You know Amy, Joel doesn't come across in person the way you described him to be.

AMY: What do you mean?

HELEN: Controlling? Exacting? Intrusive??

AMY: Oh, that. (blushes a bit.)

HELEN: You two are on such a similar wavelength, you practically finish each other's sentences. Now what could be wrong with that? (quieter.) We should all be so lucky.

AMY: There's nothing wrong with that; that's part what's held our relationship together, even when everything else sucked. 

HELEN: Things are better now, though, right?

AMY: (nodding) We still have our moments, but yeah. (Bt) Say, since it's just us girls, maybe we should go refurbish our wardrobes. (eyes Helen in her borrowed clothes.) You could do with a couple of sequined bras.

HELEN: (rolls her eyes) Or at least we can go someplace you want to go now.

AMY: (frowns) What makes you think I don't like being here?

HELEN: Every place we've been, you've seemed so detached, I just thought these were Joel's favorite spots.

AMY: I've seemed detached... (The color in her cheeks suggests that her sister's analysis is more accurate than she'd care to admit.) Well I do have spots that are nearer and dearer to my stone heart.

HELEN: Are we going to see them? 

AMY: That depends: will you tell me what brought you to visit? (She and Helen seat themselves in the car.)

HELEN: I don't suppose you'd have told me about these special places if I hadn't asked? 

AMY: Helen, we're alone. You don't have to be self-conscious.

HELEN: (closes her eyes) Oh Amy, we're not back at Square One, are we?

AMY: Asks the woman who hasn't answered my question.

HELEN: Please tell me you would have said something!

(Amy's eyes widen at her intensity.)

AMY: Okay.

HELEN: I'm sorry. It's just after the last two times we spent together, I've felt a lot closer to you then I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have. It's as if we could finally speak to each other as adults.

AMY: (blushing faintly) Oh? 

HELEN: And I'd hate it if any more secrecy or misunderstandings popped up to diminish that. So please... if there's anything you're holding back, if any new problems with Joel surface, I hope you would trust me enough.

(Amy's face softens.)

AMY: Very well. But you do realize trust is a two way street. (Helen looks at her, nods gravely.) If you thought by choosing to hide out with Baby Sis, you could avoid your problems, think again. You've been falling in and out of a funk all day, and it's time you came clean. HELEN: I know, I know. (meek sarcasm.) Though after what you said in the restaurant, I thought you had me figured out.

AMY: Maybe you'll prove me wrong. (Bt) Is it about work?

(Helen gets a melancholy expression. Sensing she's about to hit gold, Amy probes deeper.)

AMY: What happened at work?

HELEN: You mean what didn't happen? (sighs.) But my troubles at work are really just the latest in a series of setbacks. 

AMY: What kind of setbacks? At home, too? (Bt) With Jake?

(Helen closes her eyes, her expression pained and overwhelmed. Amy lays a hand on her arm.)

AMY: Shhh, just take it slow and start from the beginning.

HELEN: (short laugh) I don't even think I know where that is. 

AMY: When did you first start feeling like this?

HELEN: Who knows?! But I do know that I want it to go away, because I can't live like th... (Suddenly she gets a stunned expression.)

AMY: What is it? (Helen turns slowly and looks Amy over.) Helen?

HELEN: (quiet) You.

AMY: What? You can't live like me??

HELEN: It was you. I kept wondering what my main reason for visiting was, and now I know: you're the cause of my problems. You started everything. 

AMY: (winces at her angry tone) You're not just looking for a convenient villain?

HELEN: (resolute) My life was perfectly content until you came to visit that one weekend. Since then, one thing after another has gone wrong.

(Amy just stares at Helen with disbelief, before her typical cynicism reasserts itself. She twists her key in the ignition.) 

AMY: Well this I've gotta hear. I should have known you didn't come just to confide in me.

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 7 (Morgendorffer residence, later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria standing next to her bed, looking over several "going-out" provisions with a dubious expression.)

QUINN (off screen) Hey Daria, before you go out on your scavenger hunt tonight, there's something you may want to do.

DARIA: What?

QUINN: Reconsider.

(She walks up to Daria, holding a sheet of yellow paper.)

QUINN: (note of triumph) I know you, like, think you thought of everything when you went through Dad's wallet and his other stuff, but you neglected to check his briefcase.

DARIA: It has a combination lock.

QUINN: Daria, Daria, Daria, it's all numbers. You just have to find the right ones.

DARIA: (rolls her eyes) Thanks so much for the enlightenment, Sir Isaac.

QUINN: And a really good nail file.

(She hands Daria the sheet of paper, which Daria reads carefully.)

DARIA: "The Great Chili Cook-Off and T-Ball Tournament, held at..." Well at least we know where he's going tonight.

QUINN: And we know who he's going with.

(She turns the paper over, revealing barely-legible handwriting. It reads: "As always, I'll look forward to seeing you tonight, Jake. And in case you forgot again, my number is...")

(Daria and Quinn look at each other. Daria clears off the bed and they both sit down. Daria reaches for the phone, then pauses to gage Quinn's response. Quinn nods tensely.)

DARIA: (as she dials) There's something familiar about this handwriting.

QUINN: Hmm, yeah.

(The phone rings a few times, then: )

VOICE: Who shall I ask is CALLING??

(The volume and the force of the voice catch Daria off guard, and she drops the phone onto the bed.)

VOICE: PerHAPS I didn't make myself CLEAR.

(Daria and Quinn gaze at each other, stunned. The phone is loud enough for them both to hear.)

VOICE: When a person CALLS, said person must IDENTIFY himself! Only an IDIOT would think otherwise! Is that YOU, Kevin?!

(Hurriedly, Daria places the phone back on its hook.) 

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Jake with Daria and Quinn in the kitchen, followed by shot of Joel playing the restaurant piano, followed by shot of Helen and Amy in the car, followed by shot of Daria dropping her phone onto the bed.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Gah, and those annoying commercials where you see women in tears as they confess to their Rite-Aid pharmacist that they have some life- threatening disease. "I just can't believe it," one woman quivers, "I have breast cancer." "Talk to me anytime," the pharmacist assures her. Hello?? Why does that not ring true to me? A pharmacist at a chain store is not the same as a therapist or a registered nurse. I doubt real people with these diseases would get this level of compassion. And why do they only show women? Where are all the men quivering with tears?? "I just found out I have prostate cancer. I feel so vulnerable." "My hair transplant didn't take... I don't know who to turn to." 

And just to get back on my soap box one last time: no way am I going to pay heed to that new ad campaign with the sand running out of the hour glass, stating that my biological clock is running out of time. I'll have a family when/if I'm good and ready, thank you. 

The new TV season will soon be upon us. For me it feels as though it's already well under way, given that here in Tinsel Town, they've been shooting for several weeks. I can broadcast a dim future for some of the new shows based on trailers alone. "Bob Patterson," a show I interviewed for back in July: the premise looks funny, like if Stuart Smiley got his own show, but the execution is lacking. When Bob Patterson (Jason Alexander) talks to a patient using O'Neill-esque language -- "I wish to communicate to you about your inability to communicate" -- it just fell flat. Oh well, anything's better than "The Michael Richards Show." 

And "Emeril"? "Emeril"?? A sitcom about the cooking show guy? That one's dead before it gets off the ground.

Of course, they said that about "Nikki," too...

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Continuation of previous scene) 

DARIA: Well, well. Mr. DeMartino. 

QUINN: (pale) Oh God, our teacher. 

DARIA: So is this a one-time meeting, or is he the one who's been keeping Dad from Mom?

QUINN: And what could Dad be telling him about us?? 

DARIA: (annoyed) Quinn, I really don't think that's an issue right now. (Bt) Oh God: what could Dad be telling him about us?

QUINN: You know, sometimes I'll be sitting in Mr. DeMartino's class, and he'll come up and, like, give me this strange look. This "I know something you don't know" look. (gasps.) What if he's plotting to use the info against us??

DARIA: The info that Quinn Morgendorffer wet her bed until she was ten years old? Don't worry: if he threatens to go public, it won't be because he heard it from Dad. (She smirks slightly, wiggles her lids, and ignores Quinn's murderous expression.)

QUINN: (upset) Dammit, Daria, be serious! This is just too weird.

DARIA: (more sober) I know.

QUINN: Of all the people Dad could pick for a friend, it had to be someone we knew! (panicking.) God, what if people at school see them together and realize Dad is my dad?? I could live down glasses and being on the geek squad and you, but after this, I'd be dropped out of school!

DARIA: (sharp) Hey, count your blessings. 

QUINN: Why?!

DARIA: Because Dad's hanging out with a friend and not having an affair. (mounting relief.) Or blowing money at the race track, or hooking up with a gang of cross-dressing motorcycle thugs. If it earns me some extra humiliation, so be it. Not like I'd know the difference. 

(Quinn considers her words, and realizes how petty she sounds. She nods, her cheeks coloring with relief.)

QUINN: (sighing) I just don't get it, though. Mr. DeMartino's a scary, nasty, oily guy who could not dress to save his life. What could Dad like about him??

DARIA: It does boggle the mind.

QUINN: Mom's way better.

(Beat)

DARIA: (weary) Dad might not always hang out with him. For all we know, he hangs out with the other teachers, too.

QUINN: (instantly pale) Oh God, no! Don't even mention them!

DARIA: (musing) Reading bad poetry with Mr. O'Neill, doing equations with Mr. Phelps, holding an apple on his head for Ms. Barch. One big happy school jambor--

QUINN: (plugging her ears) Cut it OUT! 

DARIA: Quinn, we have to accept the fact that there may be other teachers involved. 

QUINN: (miserable) No, Daria! This is hard enough!

DARIA: I know it is, Quinn, but if we want to help Dad come back home to you, me, and Mom, we need to prepare for the worst.

QUINN: It's not fair. (squeezes her eyes shut.) It's just not fair.

DARIA: We'll get through this. (sighs.) So prepare for a two man expedition to visit Dad.

(Quinn hesitates, then nods with a pained expression.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:) SCENE 2 (a bar, at that same time)

(Shot of the outside: one of those Hard Rock Café types of establishments. Interior shot reveals a dimly-lit, colorful atmosphere, in which rock music plays softly from the corner speakers. Helen and Amy sit in one of the corner two-person booths. Helen pokes at her own food while watching Amy stuff chili cheese fries into her mouth and gulp down a beer. Her brow is creased with guilt: since she cast blame on Amy for her current dilemma, her sister has barely spoken. Helen extends her hand a little as if to comfort her, then thinks better of it.) 

HELEN: Amy? (She is greeted with a polite, but cold, expression.) Look, honey, it's not all your fault. You probably didn't know what you were doing. But somehow, the things you did just wreaked a lot of havoc in my life.

(Dissolve to flashback of a scene from "The Tie That Chokes." Amy reaches over and snatches Helen's cell phone away from her and starts talking into it, the sound muted.)

HELEN: (VO) Like, when you wanted to go out with me for the evening, you thought nothing of breaking up a conversation with my boss. (imitates.) "Gee Helen, why are you working so hard? Work's not the most important thing on earth, you know!"

AMY: (VO) I never sound that chipper.

HELEN: At least I got you to break your silence.

AMY: Hmph. (Another flashback from "The Tie That Chokes." Amy sits with Daria in the living room, both looking pleased with each other's company. Helen watches in the background, eating Chinese and putting tremendous pressure on her chopsticks.)

HELEN: Then there was your rapport with Daria, how you could get her to open up to you without any struggle. 

(Cut to an alternate flashback scene in "That Thing You Say," where Helen and Daria are angry at each other over the kitchen table.)

HELEN: If she didn't with me, it must have meant I was doing something wrong.

AMY: (irritated) Helen, we've been through this --

HELEN: Please. Just let me finish.

(Dissolve to a scene from "None in the Family, Part Two." Helen, Amy, Rita, and their mother are seated in their living room. Amy talks, the sound muted. Helen and Rita listen, wearing grim expressions.)

HELEN: And then there were those points you made about Dad being a bad father to us --

AMY: Wait, wait!

(Abrupt return to the present. Amy's face burns with resentment.)

AMY: First of all, I never said that Dad was a bad father. Second, that was from an entirely different weekend. If you're going to blame me, at least get your facts straight.

HELEN: (shaking her head) I know, I know, but don't you see?? In all three cases, with total audacity you took solid beliefs I had and turned them inside out. That my work couldn't be put off, that I'd achieved as satisfying a relationship with my family as I could expect, that Dad was... flawless.

AMY: (confused) I didn't act any differently from how I've always acted.

HELEN: (after a Pause) Yes. I guess you're right. (Bt) But something about what you did really stuck with me those times. And once the thoughts were there, they never went away. Like with work...

(Dissolve to shot of Helen at work, we presume not long after Amy's visit and the resolution of their fight in "That Thing You Say." She's sitting at her desk, poring through briefs. Dissolve to the second spoke in the work cycle: Helen pacing the floor, dictating to Marianne, her expression cross. Dissolve to the third spoke: Helen sitting in at a lunch meeting with the other lawyers of her firm, listening while one of the elder Schrecters drones on and on. Dissolve to the fourth spoke: Helen talks loudly and insistently into her cell phone while driving home from work. Repeat these scenes over and over again, with Helen growing more stressed out, overwhelmed, and impatient each time.)

HELEN: (VO) I couldn't understand it. How could I have been content with work one week and dreading it the next? 

(Flashback/fantasy shot of Helen at her desk, surrounded by stacks of briefs that tower above her. She slowly gazes up at the top one -- only to see it crash down on top of her, along with the others. They cover her like flood waters. Cut to shot of Helen in her SUV, vigorously shaking her head to rid herself of this scene. At this point, she doesn't look as tired as she looked in Act One, but she's getting there.)

HELEN: Nothing had changed; my role was exactly the same.

AMY: Maybe that's how. It must get pretty tiresome having to work so hard for career advancement and never get it. 

HELEN: (after an irritated Pause) I tried to make the feeling go away. "Mind over matter," I told myself. You can handle anything if you just think positively. (Cut to flashback shot of Helen. With renewed determination, she opens up one of her briefs and starts to read. Then... moments later, she lays it aside.)

HELEN: But it didn't happen. (uncertain.) I guess... well maybe the reason was that I'd grown bored. 

(Flashback shot of the Morgendorffer residence.)

HELEN: Still I thought, "Work will pick up. In the meantime, I'll finally have an excuse to be with my family." And I did spend time with them...

(Cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Everything seems normal. Helen observes Jake, Quinn, and Daria as she eats.)

HELEN: Of no less quality than any other time we'd spent together. Even Daria and I were talking more than we had ever been. (Pause) But still...

(Cut to Helen's POV: a distorted lens makes everyone else seem farther away than normal.)

HELEN: Something was missing. I don't know what it was. (cross.) But I'll bet I never would have felt it if it weren't for you. Oh you just had to get along so famously with my kids, making me feel inadequate as a parent --

AMY: Helen, if I may. (Cut to shot of her and Helen in the present.) I'm going to wager that my visit didn't plant thoughts in your head so much as bring doubts you already had to the surface.

(Helen's brow creases with discomfort at Amy's explanation. If it's true, it means her current situation is a lot darker than she thought.)

HELEN: Perhaps so. (sighs.) Maybe it wasn't anyone's fault. How could I blame Daria for not wanting to be smothered every moment we were home together? 

(Cut to shot of an anxious Helen chasing a wary Daria in the opening scene of "Breaking the Mold.")

HELEN: (VO) Any more than I could blame Jake and Quinn for bonding over Quinn's studies. Any more than I could blame Jake... 

(Cut back to the present. Helen gets a pained expression and lapses into silence. Amy watches her, wondering whether to plunge in and ask Helen to elaborate, or wait for her to reveal it on her own.)

AMY: (gentle and hesitant) So if you came here thinking I was the cause of your problems, what did you expect me to do? 

(Pause)

HELEN: I don't know. Maybe I wanted to do something to you. Hurt you to make you feel what I've been feeling. 

(Amy blinks, but doesn't show much emotional response.)

HELEN: But mostly, I guess I wanted you to help make everything normal again. (squeezes her eyes shut.) I don't know why this had to come out now, this year. Your fault or not, it's like you said: you've always been you, and it never used to effect me. And I've always been the person who strives for a distant goal and looks on the bright side of things. I've had serious problems before, but I've handled them. Why can't I do that this time?? (Pause) What will happen if I don't?

(Amy can't answer. Like last night, she's overwhelmed by her sister's emotional display, which is more intense and less amusing than her outbursts during their parents' fiftieth. Helen struggles to prevent a public breakdown. She notes her sister's silence, and her face wilts.) 

HELEN: You think this is all just a mid-life crisis.

AMY: (faint smirk) Hormonal changes, actually, but mid-life crisis works just as well.

HELEN: Must everything be a joke to you?!

AMY: No. Of course not. (slight edge in her tone.) Helen, I don't know what to say -- except that if I were in your shoes, I'd be no less confused. Your problems do seem too scattered to have a distinct cause or solution. 

(Pause)

HELEN: That's not entirely true. (Amy looks at her inquisitively.) You see, a while back I joined my first sculpting class. At first it was just to prove a point to Daria, but later it took on a whole new meaning. And I met this man...

(Cut to flashback shot of Greg taking Helen's hands and teaching her how to properly mold clay in "Breaking the Mold.")

HELEN: (VO) He turned out to be an art instructor, so once this class ended, I took one of his. Like his art, he proved to be open to everything and honest with everyone. And I... 

(There is a sudden explosion of sensory images, as though we're seeing what Helen thinks when she's experiencing a creative surge. The final image is of her kissing Greg at the end of "An Uneasy Marriage." It finally bursts, revealing Helen guilty and anguished in the present.)

AMY: I see.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 3 (driving out of town, late evening)

(Shot of Trent's car riding along the same woodsy road as in "Legends of the Mall." Cut to shot of the inside, where we see Jane driving and Daria shotgun. Quinn sits in the back, her legs drawn up on the seat.)

QUINN: (after a few moments of silence elapse) Daria?

DARIA: Yes?

QUINN: You... no... it's nothing.

JANE: So ends a stirring conversation.

DARIA: Much like the ones we have each day at home.

QUINN: I was just wondering again why Dad would spend all his nights with Mr. DeMartino.

DARIA: You mean besides to humiliate you?

QUINN: (disquieted) Do you think he likes him better than you, me, and Mom?

(Daria's expression becomes grim, as if she were pondering the same thing.)

DARIA: And how did you arrive at that conclusion?

(Quinn draws her legs closer to her chest.)

QUINN: I don't know. Mr. DeMartino's a guy like Dad. (Pause) Maybe he's like the son Dad never had, or something.

JANE: (shuddering) That would be downright bone-chilling.

DARIA: It's true they share the male preference for scratching and spitting, but I doubt even our dad would hold that in higher esteem than the attention of his family. 

QUINN: I hope not. (brow creases.) Because if he did, I don't think I'd want to see him. I think I'd... sort of hate him.

(Daria doesn't respond. She glances at Jane, cocks an eyelid.)

QUINN: (awkward) I mean after he started helping me with math, I sort of felt like I was getting to know him better. And, like, I thought he was having fun and everything, because I was. (frustrated.) But I guess he wasn't, because one night he wasn't there and then he wasn't there all the nights after that. If he didn't want to help me anymore he should've just told me! 

(Her face turns bitter and anguished. Daria and Jane exchange glances.)

DARIA: Maybe he thought you no longer wanted to work with him.

QUINN: Huh? Why would he think that??

DARIA: He never actually said it, but who wouldn't think so after seeing how much time you spend with your other mentor?

QUINN: I do not spend that much time with Mr. Phelps! If this is gonna be another one of those --

DARIA: (rolling her eyes) For God's sake, Quinn, it's not --

JANE: Yo, if you two are gonna have a catfight, save it 'til you're outside. Not that Trent's car would look any worse for it, but I can't aim a camera and concentrate on the road at the same time.

DARIA: Oh sure, spoil our fun.

(Everyone falls silent for several seconds.)

DARIA: (finally, to Quinn) You're not to blame for Dad's secret life. I don't know who's to blame. Maybe we all are.

(Cut to the outside. The woods have dispersed, and a sign at the side of the road states that they have crossed the county line. Trent's car sputters down a tree-lined street that gives way to several storefronts.)

DARIA: (glancing out the window) You sure this is the right way? 

JANE: This is where the park mentioned in the flier is located. (Bt) Look, there it is.

(She pulls up in front of a park next to a community center. Even if Jane hadn't pointed it out, Daria and Quinn would have known it was the park in question, due to the large banner framed by balloons, groups of people walking across the grass toward the baseball diamond, a cloud of smoke pouring from a barbecue, and absolutely no parking spaces nearby. As soon as Jane pauses the car, Quinn scoots over to one door and opens it.)

QUINN: Ugh, get me out of here! It smells like someone died! 

JANE: (cryptic look) Funny story, really...

(Quinn climbs out and slams the door.)

DARIA: (sardonic) I, too, would like to thank you for driving us.

JANE: No problem. Now comes the hard part: finding your dad and the Terminator.

DARIA: (sighing) I almost hope we don't find them.

(She pauses a few moments before climbing out herself. She and Jane both watch the groups of people, mostly men, walk toward the park from the street. Daria gets a funny look on her face.)

DARIA: Jane? (Pause) When Quinn asked if Dad liked DeMartino better, I started thinking...

(Jane glances from the men to Daria, and catches her meaning.)

JANE: Daria, perish the thought! So you see a bunch of guys walking toward the party -- tee-ball and chili are stereotypical guy things. And even if they were all headed for a Betty Crocker cook-off, it doesn't mean anything. It's circumstantial.

DARIA: I suppose.

JANE: Look how many people have mistaken us for being that way just 'cause we're not girly.

DARIA: Yeah. You're right.

(Cut to shot of the outside. Two men walk past Trent's car, holding hands.)

JANE: (VO) Maybe they just don't want to, um, lose each other in the crowd.

DARIA: (VO) And maybe I'm a natural blonde. 

(cut to:)

SCENE 4 (driving home, at the same time)

(Cut to shot of Amy and Helen in the car, headed back toward Amy's street. Amy focuses on the road, while Helen sits slumped over in the shotgun seat, watching the scenery whirl by.)

HELEN: This entire day... this whole trip, really... just hasn't seemed real. It's as though someone else has been talking to you -- like any moment now I'll wake up and it'll be Tuesday morning and I'll get ready for work and Jake and the girls will stagger into the kitchen as I'm about ready to leave. 

(Amy looks deep in thought over Helen's dilemma, and something else as well.)

HELEN: Of course, ever since it happened, that seems to be less and less the norm. (Bt., determined.) But dammit, it can become the norm again if I want it to be! I just have to quit feeling sorry for myself, right?

(Pause)

AMY: You want my honest opinion? (Helen's enthusiasm instantly fades.) I don't think you can put things back the way they were, and I don't think you think so, either. (more gentle.) And in spite of the pain and confusion you're feeling, do you really believe it'd be better to go back? 

(Helen mulls this over as Amy pulls her car into a garage. She looks as though she's readying one reply when another comes out.)

HELEN: I just hate what this could be doing to my poor girls. Daria and Quinn are both smart enough to sense there are problems at home. It hurts to think they could be suffering.

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (the Chili Cook-off and T-Ball Tournament)

(Shot of Daria and Jane steering between through the groups of mostly male attendees. Daria hovers behind Jane slightly, wearing a pained, slightly awkward expression.) 

DARIA: I'm just glad my mother doesn't know about this. 

(Jane turns to look at her, exasperated.)

JANE: Quit being so freakin' paranoid, Daria. This just looks like a male-bonding frenzy to me, nothing your meat-and-potato Lawndalite would find unusual. 

DARIA: Then why hold it in the next county, and not in Lawndale?

JANE: Maybe 'cause not all these people are from our blessed burg? If this is one of those Promise Keeper outfits, don't be surprised if the leaders were flown here from a mountain in Appalachia. (This quip doesn't even merit a cocked eyelid from Daria.) And heck, maybe that's all this is. Maybe your father and DeMartino are finally learning be comfortable with their masculinity and to control their inner demons. 

(Daria looks at her.)

JANE: You're right: being gay lovers is more plausible. (She glances ahead.) But unlikely. See, look at that guy over there flirting with Quinn.

(Pan over to show an attractive, well-dressed man leaning against a tree, while Quinn stands beside him wearing a coquettish look.)

QUINN: Oh come on, a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend?? Not even a trophy girlfriend to make the other guys jealous??

GUY: (faint disdain) I don't need a girlfriend for that.

(Cut to brief close-up of Jane and Daria, frowning a little with worry.)

QUINN: You know, I'm not doing too much this weekend. Aside from some math drills and a few other dates...

GUY: (rudely) No thanks. I've got other plans.

(He walks away quickly, leaving Quinn to pout with indignation. Cut to shot of Daria and Jane.)

JANE: So maybe he considers himself to be too deep for someone like Quinn.

(Cut to brief shot of the guy. He suddenly belches loudly and scratches his crotch.)

JANE: So anyway...

(Daria takes a good, long look around her. Zoom out to show the crowd filled with unfamiliar faces.)

JANE: What say we just nip this mystery in the bud once and for all and ask someone what this is?

DARIA: (deadpan, but with some trepidation) And spoil the fun of not knowing? (sees Jane's annoyed expression and sighs.) All right, all right... 

(They walk over to a few men standing near the baseball diamond. Jane clears her throat loudly, causing them to look her way.)

JANE: So fellas, what's the occasion for all this?

MAN: Nothing much. Just the chance for some guys to get together.

JANE: Er, in what way?

MAN 2: Many ways. 

MAN 3: (grins) Many adventurous ways.

(Jane pales, not liking where this line of questioning is going. Daria rolls her eyes and takes over.)

DARIA: (to the point) Is this a gathering for a men's club?

MAN: Yes. And no.

DARIA: (annoyed) How can it be both?? 

MAN 2: You two don't look much like guys.

DARIA: That's not what I meant.

MAN 3: Look, we told Prof it'd be nice if we could take some time off away from class and hang out, get to know one another.

(Daria looks at Jane, exhales slowly.)

DARIA: So this is just for a class?

MAN 3: Two, actually. The Prof invited one of the other prof's classes to join us. 

DARIA: So it's not...

MAN 3: (confused) Didn't your daddy tell you when he brought you here? (sees Daria's bland look.) Isn't that why you came?

DARIA: (quiet) My dad didn't really tell me anything.

JANE: This "prof" sounds pretty understanding, if I do say so myself.

(All three men beam.)

MAN: Yeah, he sure is. You wouldn't know it, since he tends to get easily pissed off, but he cares about his students. He'll spend hours talking to us after class lets out.

JANE: (putting two and two together) And this prof, does he shout a lot? When he quivers with rage, does his eye bulge?

MAN: (pausing to think) Hmm, I guess you could say it does.

(Jane looks at Daria, raises a brow. Daria nods, also putting two and two together. Off screen, there's a cracking sound as bat meets ball. Cheering is heard all around, and we cut to a shot of a middle-aged male crossing home plate. He jogs toward the three men and Daria and Jane.)

MEN: Yeah-heyyyy! All riiiight!

(They slap the guy's ass with, perhaps, a bit too much enthusiasm as far as Daria and Jane are concerned. They start to get worried again.)

DARIA: (slowly) So just what kind of class are you guys --?

QUINN: (off screen) Daria! Look!

(Cut to shot of Quinn, who's been standing close by, listening in on the conversation. She wears a semi-horrified expression, points off screen at home plate. Daria and Jane both turn to look, and sure enough, we see Jake for the first time, emerging from a dugout that is partially hidden from view. He's wearing a faded T-shirt and jeans and a baseball cap turned backwards. With vigor and enthusiasm, he swings an aluminum bat.)

JAKE: Aw riiiight! Stand back 'cause old Jakey's really gonna whack it!

DARIA: (hand to her forehead) Oh God. I should have known.

(In preparation, Jake beats his bat against the ground -- one time so hard, it sends pain shocks through his hands and causes him to drop the bat. He yelps with pain. Daria cocks a brow: "Typical Dad." Just then DeMartino bounds out of the dug-out, claps Jake on the back.)

DeMARTINO: (with more warmth than we're used to hearing) It's all right, Jake, my man. Just let the aDRENaline run through ya, don't try to force it. An' know I'll be cheering you on from the SIDELINES.

VOICES ALL AROUND: Yeahhhh Prof! Whoo-hoo!

JAKE: (warm gratitude) Thanks, Tony! This one's gonna be for you.

(Daria watches, expressionless, as Jake beams at DeMartino and claps his shoulder in an almost hug. He then walks up to the tee, swings fiercely amidst whooping and hollering, and nails the ball into left field. As the outfielders try to snare it, Jake pumps a fist in triumph and rounds first base.)

DeMARTINO: Yeahhhhh, Jake! That's my boy! That's my Jake. (pumps a fist.) Yeahhhhh!

(Jake pauses at second, leaning over with his hands on his knees, panting and wheezing. Daria looks from DeMartino to her father, and suddenly it's too much: she turns and walks away.)

JANE: (looking after her) Daria?? Where are you going??

(Daria doesn't stop until Jane restrains her by gripping her shoulder. Cut to shot of Quinn, glancing between Daria and her father, also concerned.)

DARIA: (glowering) I've found out what my dad's been up to. Now we can leave.

JANE: Well okay, but you're acting like you just saw your dad and DeMartino do a liplock. So your dad likes male bonding. So he's in a class taught by DeMartino that's frequented by other guys. So it's not such a big, scary revelation after all.

DARIA: (turning slowly) No Jane, that's just it. It's not a revelation.

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: I feel as though I know even less about my dad now than I did before, which was hardly anything at all. (angry.) If he's just part of a class, why the hell did he try to hide it from the rest of us?? And if there's more... (winces, finds it painful to get the words out.) why didn't he say something about that, too?? 

(They walk over to a nearby tree and Daria leans back against its trunk.) 

DARIA: Dammit, he's my father. He's not supposed to keep secrets from us. And Mom: she lied to me, too. Isn't there anyone out there who's got nothing to hide?! 

JANE: (smiles, sympathetic) Ah Daria, you and your never-ending quest for an honest man.

DARIA: (devoid of sarcasm) Quest, nothing. They should have told us the truth, Jane. What they're up to could have major impact on our family, yet they're too selfish to let me and Quinn come to terms with it. Well I can't take this. I'm sick of it. I can't take it anymore.

(Jane looks at her friend, with her red cheeks and anger glittering in her eyes, and recognizes warning signs.)

JANE: (softly) Please Daria, calm down. Don't run away from this. I know it's what made you hide out with the underground paper, but you'll be making a mistake if you don't face it head on. (She waits for Daria's expression to become less intense.) Your parents are human beings, and as such they're sickeningly complicated and annoyingly mistake-prone.

DARIA: Ooh, what a revelation.

JANE: But no matter what, just trust that they love you. They're not doing this on purpose to hurt you and Quinn. Let that be your foundation, okay?

(Daria takes a few moments before responding.)

DARIA: All right. (nods slowly.) And my aunt Amy's looking after my mother. I know she wouldn't hurt me, either.

(Jane nods, relieved that the bad moment has passed. Cut to shot of Quinn, watching them. Although she's too far away to have heard most of the conversation, Quinn has gathered that Daria is in deep distress and has been venting to Jane. Her expression is one of sympathy and also a little forlorn, as though she wishes Daria had confided in her instead.)

MAN: (off screen) Hey Prof, what's the matter??

(Cut to shot of Jake on second base, looking green around the gills.)

JAKE: I think I ate too many chili dogs before my at-bat!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane, who look at each other, stunned.)

DARIA & JANE: "Prof"?!

(Resume shot of Jake. Still a little shaky, he peers about him.) 

DeMARTINO: (off screen) It'll be okay, Jake ol' buddy! Just hold it IN 'til you cross home plate! 

(Jake looks off screen, and from his POV, we make out a familiar green blazer and combat boots in the near distance. Cut to close-up of Jake's face, getting a feeble, defeated expression.)

JAKE: Ughhhhhhhhhhh... (He lurches forward.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (later)

(Shot of the park, the crowd now much thinned out, with only half a dozen or so people left. Zoom in on close-up of Jane and DeMartino at a snack table, eating the leftover chili. They keep glancing at each other awkwardly, then off screen. Meanwhile, cut to shot of Daria and Quinn following Jake over to one of the trees for some privacy. They sit down. Jake is holding another chili dog.)

QUINN: (state of shock) How did you learn to teach??

DARIA: (likewise) How did they entrust you with a classroom??

QUINN: I thought you had squeaky chalk phobia.

DARIA: Doesn't the mere idea of giving presentations cause you to wake up screaming in a cold sweat?

QUINN: "Professor"??

DARIA: Why didn't you tell us?

JAKE: (holding up his hands, chili dog dripping) One at a time, girls! (chuckles nervously.) First of all, I do teach, but I'm not a professor. That's a nickname they gave me. Cool, huh? 

DARIA: It almost makes up for an evening of emotional turmoil. 

JAKE: (blushes) Yeah... (He chuckles feebly and starts to put an arm around Daria, but the look on her face discourages him. He tries to slip the hand holding the chili dog around Quinn's shoulder, but she gets an "Ewww! Gross!" expression.) I don't know why I never said anything, kiddo. I guess I got scared.

QUINN: (frowns) Scared? Of us?

JAKE: (remorseful) Yeah. Whenever your mother would ask you about school or one of your teachers, you would always make them sound so terrible. (mumbles.) Of course maybe I just heard wrong because I did sort of tune things out at times... 

DARIA: So you were afraid we wouldn't respect you if we found out? 

JAKE: Especially if you knew I was friends with your history teacher. I've done a lot in my day that I'm not proud of, and I didn't want to make things worse. I want to be someone you could look up to.

(Daria and Quinn exchange guilty expressions, remembering their freak-out about Jake hanging out with the other teachers.)

DARIA: What you're saying is completely ridiculous. 

QUINN: Yeah, you're our dad no matter what you do. (She snuggles up a little next to Jake.) 

JAKE: (grateful) Thanks, girls. (Unconsciously, he pulls Daria closer, too.)

QUINN: But, um, you're not gonna, like, quit your job to be a teacher full-time, are you?

JAKE: (same scornful tone as Quinn) Oh God, no! This is just one class at the University Extension Center.

DARIA: (as Quinn exhales with relief) And they chose you to teach because...?

JAKE: Tony -- um, I mean Mr. DeMartino -- teaches Masculinity in a Post Industrial World for extra money. One night he called me 'cause he was feeling a little stressed out (His expression reveals it was more than that.), and asked if I would fill in. I didn't want to, but heck, I couldn't let a good friend down. 

(Daria nods, conceding. Quinn hesitates a little before nodding, too.)

JAKE: I was sure my students would laugh me away from the podium. (ominous.) Just like all those other times... But I remembered how much I enjoyed teaching Quinn, so that got me through it. (Quinn brightens a little when she hears this.) And it was amazing, but...

DARIA: (faint smirk) They didn't laugh at you. 

JAKE: No. Well yeah... but I could tell they weren't being mean. They thought I was funny. (reflective.) I think they liked me.

DARIA: Did they ever punctuate their laughter with tossed fruit? (Jake shakes his head.) Yep. They liked you.

JAKE: And I liked them! Talking in front of a group didn't feel like torture with them. And I felt like I was really making a difference in their lives.

QUINN: So what about when Mr. DeMartino came back?

JAKE: By then I'd taught a couple of classes, and they asked me if I could teach another class. 

QUINN: (face pale) What kind of class??

JAKE: Something closer to my educational background: The History of Media Messages and Marketing. 

(Quinn breathes a sigh of relief.)

DARIA: Are your students mostly guys?

JAKE: Pretty much. (Daria nods: that explains the number of men at the gathering.) So now Tony teaches his class, and I teach my class, and sometimes both of our groups just go out and have fun -- bowling, go-carting, you name it. It's been great. People listen to what I say and care about what I think! I don't remember the last time I felt so welcome. 

(Cut to brief shot of Jane and DeMartino. Jane pretends to act really interested in a knot on a nearby tree, while DeMartino's eyes are on Jake, Daria, and Quinn off screen. He wears an expression that's hard to read.)

DARIA: So is that it?

JAKE: Yeah. I teach the class about four nights a week. (Bt) Did you think it was something more?

DARIA: (blushing) Never mind what we thought. 

JAKE: I hope you girls can forgive me.

(Quinn hesitates before nodding silently. She's still put-off by her father's teaching connection, but she meant what she said about caring that he was her father above all else. Daria, herself, feels a little irritated that Jake didn't mention anything sooner, which could have prevented a lot of grief. Still, she knows that his logic is not always full-proof, and decides to let it go. Her relief is indescribable; all of the worry and speculating about what Jake was up to is finally OVER. Things can finally start getting back to normal.)

DARIA: Forgive you for teaching a class? Dad, you've found something new that you're good at, and you're giving back to the community without caring whether it gets you a tax write-off. You've succeeded at not being a hypocrite by living with the same values you've tried to instill in us. That's pretty damn good, if I do say so. (At this, Jake beams.) And someday I'd like to see what you're like in a classroom.

QUINN: Yeah... me, too. (quiet.) But Daddy? Could you maybe make this your last class? I miss having you at home. 

JAKE: Ohhhh... (Overwhelmed with paternal love for his kids, he impulsively kisses Quinn, then tries to do the same to Daria, but she stops him with a look.)

DARIA: (no-nonsense) Just don't make a habit out of keeping secrets from us, including Mom. I bet she's dying to know what you've been up to.

(At this, Jake's face loses it's glow, and he smiles sadly.)

JAKE: Oh... she already knows. 

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Amy's place)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Helen sitting on the edge of the guest bed, cell phone to her ear. We hear the phone ring a couple of times before the answering machine picks up. Helen punches a button to end the phone call, then dials another number. She lays it to her ear, and waits... only to hear: "You have no new messages." Sad and discouraged, Helen ends the call and turns off her cell phone. She closes her eyes, scarcely aware of the chirpy sounds of a clarinet playing off screen.) 

(Cut to shot of Amy sprawled across the sofa in the darkened living, numbly watching television. The clarinet sounds can be heard here as well.)

COMMERCIAL: (off screen) What happens when an attractive young FBI agent is forced to move to her home town to hide out from the mob?? Adventure and heartwarming fun, that's what! All on "Abruptly Amy"! 

(Amy's expression sours at the thought of her name being a part of such a lame premise, and languidly holds up the remote to change the channel. Just then Joel enters from the hallway, playing the final notes of a clarinet solo.)

JOEL: Your musical muse is home. 

AMY: (absently) Since when did I start dating Dave Matthews?

JOEL: Since I broke up with you to date Julia Roberts, remember?

AMY: (faint smile) And now you've come crawling back for forgiveness.

(She plants a kiss on her beau before he settles into the chair beside her. Joel glances at the door leading to the hallway.)

JOEL: (quieter) So Big Sister's road monster is still parked in the garage, eh?

AMY: (weary) We didn't exactly settle things as I had hoped. 

JOEL: That probably means you never went to the clinic, did you?

AMY: (annoyed) Actually I did. But then the aliens abducted me and wiped out all traces of memory.

(Joel sighs, some irritation evident. Amy looks as though she wishes he would mind his own business.)

JOEL: So what happened, then? Did you and Helen fight like you did at her house? 

AMY: No. 

(Her expression grows pensive, and Joel notes the fatigue in her eyes.)

JOEL: Something must have happened. You're never like this except...

(Beat)

AMY: Except when I've been around Helen. (She nods, sits up a little.) We may not have fought, but it feels like we did. She drains me.

JOEL: Rita, too? 

AMY: (shaking her head) Rita doesn't have that effect. Only Helen, for reasons I don't fully understand. (sits up straighter.) Oh wait: yes I do. It's because of her skill at drawing you close with one hand while slapping you with the other. She's spent years developing it.

JOEL: Was this after you took all those old photos? (Amy looks at him blankly.) The ones in your album -- I remembered them at brunch. You looked so happy with her, I didn't recognize you at first.

(His girlfriend blushes and glances to one side.)

JOEL: (faint smirk) Would you ever smile for me like that?

AMY: Since the mere remembrance of that smile embarrasses me to no end, I'd have to say "not likely." (Her face softens as she notes his expression.) Besides, that was then. Now Helen wants me to help solve problems she claims I created. 

JOEL: I told you to hide your voodoo dolls better. 

AMY: Whereas I think she just had a classic nervous breakdown caused by a classic mid-life crisis that launched a classic wave of soul searching. (sits up straighter, lays her feet on the floor.) Our Helen's not used to looking inside herself, and she's so scared of what she might find, she'd rather foist blame on me.

JOEL: Look, you've done as much as you can. You don't have to let her stay here, especially if she pisses you off this much. Doesn't her family miss her, or something?

AMY: I'm sure they do. She's on the phone with them now.

JOEL: Then what's holding you back? 

AMY: Some rather intriguing developments. (cocks a brow.) Such as the revelation that Helen kissed another man and hasn't said anything about it to Jake. 

(Joel looks intrigued. Then a small smirk plays across his lips.)

JOEL: Hate to say it, but that doesn't shock me.

AMY: (nodding wearily) Me, neither. Somewhere in all her pathetic anguish I knew something like this had to lurk. (sighs.) Naturally Helen wants to confess, but is afraid of what Jake will say, especially since so much time has passed.

JOEL: So she just leaves out the part about it happening "a while back." (gets a look from Amy.) What? It's not rocket science.

AMY: I think that defeats the purpose of honesty, Mr. Clinton. (musing.) Though maybe just telling him would be enough. It's more than I would do. (This time Joel gives her a look.) I'm kidding.

JOEL: So you encourage Helen to be honest with her spouse, and she goes home to talk with him. The End.

AMY: Leaving out the part where she might just love this other man. (Bt) You really want her to go, don't you? 

(Her direct gaze causes Joel to flush a little with embarrassment. He groans softly.)

JOEL: Frankly, I thought after a round of sight-seeing and some alone time with you, she'd have hit the road. I've got nothing against her personally, but she throws our routine out of whack, you know? (grimaces.) She left wet towels on the bathroom floor this morning. Soggy wet ones. And she doesn't rinse out her coffee mug. There was a big yellow stain -- 

AMY: We should have her arrested.

JOEL: (rolling his eyes) I know you think these concerns are stupid, but dammit, they add up after a while.

AMY: No, what I think is stupid is that instead of being up front about them, you pretended to be oh-so-concerned about my well-being.

(From the tone of her voice, it's clear this has been a sticking point in their relationship before. Joel reaches over and tries to put his around her, but Amy resists.)

JOEL: (softly) Hey, come on. I am concerned. 

(Amy gazes at him for a moment, then allows him to come over and lay his arms around her waist.)

AMY: I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you wanted. But just give it another day, please? (frowns.) In spite of her typical thoughtlessness towards me, I still feel like I should help her through this rough time.

(She gets an expression that suggests there's more to her desire than sheer altruism.)

(Dissolve to the earlier scene of her and Helen riding in the convertible, having just pulled out of the bar parking lot. Both look completely spent after their conversation, especially Helen.)

HELEN: (flat tone) It was what you said about Dad that really got to me.

(Amy focuses on the road, in no mood to receive more blame.)

HELEN: Until you brought it up, I'd never really dwelt on his flaws. My beef was always with Mom; and since Jake's father was so revolting, for me to complain about my own would have been insensitive.

(Amy applies pressure to the gas pedal. The car zooms through an intersection before the light turns red.)

HELEN: But afterward, I thought about what a disciplined, upright man Dad was, and how hard he worked, and how he still couldn't control me and Rita when we fought. How he could never talk to his daughters in any meaningful way. 

(Realizing this isn't going to be an inquisition, Amy turns her head slightly to look at her sister.)

HELEN: And if Dad, the model of American can-do spirit, could fail at having a relationship with his family, then I --

AMY: (sighing) Helen, you are not Dad.

HELEN: -- needed to find a new role model. 

(Amy blinks with some surprise.)

HELEN: So I found Greg. (lowers her eyes.) He had such a positive approach to life, and I was so dissatisfied with mine. I felt like I could tell him anything and it would be all right.

AMY: (faint smirk) One of those sensitive men, eh?

HELEN: (quiet) His advice means so much to me. If not for him, I wouldn't have dared take sculpting as far as I did. 

(Amy cocks a brow, mulls this over.)

HELEN: (pained) Oh God, that sounds ridiculous. It almost sounds like I want to leave Jake! 

(She buries her head in her hands and starts quivering. Amy keeps both hands on the wheel, resisting the urge to put a hand on her shoulder.)

AMY: All right, Helen, all right. Calm down. (She waits until Helen has composed herself before continuing.) I mean you're getting all worked up over a man who tosses clay for a living. 

(Helen looks a bit offended by Amy's characterization, but then her face relaxes, and she manages a slight smirk.)

HELEN: You have a point. Maybe it is kind of silly. 

(She chuckles harder with growing relief. Amy cocks a brow.)

HELEN: As if I would really give up my home and my family to squeeze into some studio apartment above a hardware store. (hastily.) Not that there's anything wrong with that. But for heaven's sake, I'm not twenty. 

AMY: (sotto) There's the closet hypocrite I know and love.

HELEN: (wiping tears from her eyes) I have to be realistic. Thank you for reminding me of that.

AMY: It's what I'm here for.

HELEN: But still... have you ever had a spiritual awakening, Amy? 

AMY: Other than after I eat chocolate? (thinks seriously.) No.

HELEN: Me neither, until I started sculpting. (sardonic.) To think you and I have been Episcopalians since birth, and I've dabbled in so many New Age religions, and it took rolling some silly clay to make me feel spiritual. 

AMY: Really? (Her tone is lightly mocking, but then her face grows serious.) How so?

HELEN: It just made me feel calmer about everything. Like I wasn't doomed to ruin just because I couldn't solve everyone's problems. This may sound horribly trite, but I felt like I was a part of something greater than myself.

AMY: That does sound trite. But not "horribly" trite. (Bt) No... not horribly trite at all.

HELEN: And I just feel as though I owe so much to the man who helped me think that way. (sits up, gets a determined expression.) But never mind: it's selfish of me to even think I could walk out on my sweet Jakey and turn my girls' lives upside down because of some fleeting moment of satisfaction. No. Tomorrow morning I'm going home and I'm telling Jake what happened. (face puckers slightly.) But I'll also say that he doesn't have anything to worry about, because I'm not going anywhere. And I hope he says the same thing. 

(She takes a deep breath and waits for her sister's response.)

(Dissolve to the present. Joel still has his arms around Amy and looks with wonder at her pensive expression.) 

AMY: (softly) I just need more time with her. (fade-out. fade-in to: ) 

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, night)

(Shot of the outside. The Lexus is parked in the driveway, and Jake is heading toward the front door. Cut to shot of the inside: Daria and Quinn are already trudging up the stairs.)

DARIA: (softly) Dad's a teacher. What's next? Kevin gets a physics scholarship to an Ivy League university? Jodie blows off school to tour with Elvis impersonators? 

QUINN: I still don't get it. Why didn't any of his students, like, ever call our house?

DARIA: (meaningful glance) Maybe they got tired of hearing the busy signal.

QUINN: Hey, mathletic strategy requires a lot of planning!

DARIA: (sighing) I get the feeling it'll take a while before this evening sinks in. 

QUINN: Yeah. I wish Mom were here.

(Daria is silent as they reach the upstairs hallway.)

QUINN: Aunt Amy should just drop her guy if he's causing her so much grief and let Mom come home. It's what I would do. Let's see if Mom called.

(She follows Daria toward her room. Daria looks like she's debating something, then finally turns and looks over her shoulder.)

DARIA: Quinn, I've got to level with you. Mom didn't go to Aunt Amy's to help her. She went there to get help.

QUINN: (surprised) Why would she do that?

DARIA: You know how strangely Mom's been acting. I guess she needed someone close who wasn't her immediate family to vent to.

QUINN: How did you find this out?

DARIA: I spoke to Amy this morning right before Dad came downstairs. (She continues to walk toward her room while Quinn pauses in her step, a peculiar expression crossing her face.) I didn't tell you because of your tendency to overreact from time to time, and things have been crazy enough with just Dad...

(Daria walks up to her door, still talking, unaware that Quinn isn't following. Quinn remains behind, her expression changing to one of resentment. She finally tosses her hands and retreats inside her bedroom.)

DARIA: ... I asked Amy to keep Mom out of trouble and (notices the silence.) Quinn? (She turns around and sees the empty hallway, assumes Quinn just went her own way. She shrugs and goes into her own room.)

(Cut to shot of the inside. Daria sits down on her bed and picks up the phone. She hesitates, as if wondering which number to dial, and finally starts pressing buttons. After a couple of rings:)

AMY: (VO) Hello?

DARIA: Hi, Aunt Amy. Is Mom around?

(Cut to shot of Amy sitting on the living room couch, phone to her ear. She's alone now, Joel having retired to their bedroom.)

AMY: I think she's gone to bed. (stifles a yawn.) I'm about to do the same.

DARIA: So did things... go okay?

AMY: Things went fine.

(Daria's not sure why, but she detects a flatness in her aunt's tone.) 

DARIA: (uncomfortable) Did you guys, um, talk or anything?

AMY: Yes, we did.

DARIA: And...?

AMY: (gentle) Daria, she told me some very private things. It wouldn't be right for me to share them now, would it?

DARIA: (blushing, annoyed) Of course not. But could you at least tell me if she'll be home tomorrow?

AMY: All the signs point to no, I'm afraid. (more gentle, sensing her niece's disappointment.) Didn't she call you earlier? 

DARIA: Maybe, but I wasn't home. I was a little, um, busy with my dad.

(There's a slight pause, as Amy mulls over what next to say.)

DARIA: (deep sigh) So what's next in the game plan?

AMY: I'm not sure.

DARIA: Great.

AMY: Daria, I promise I'll help your mother, even if I have to tie her to a tree and whack her with a bamboo rod.

DARIA: If it tortures her enough to want to come home, I'm all for it.

AMY: (annoyed) But you care more about her happiness, right?

DARIA: (puzzled) Of course.

AMY: What's more important? That she's happy, or that she comes home?

DARIA: I... that she's happy. (Bt) What are you implying? That the two aren't compatible?

AMY: I just wanted to make sure you were thinking past your own needs.

DARIA: (annoyed) I definitely need a lecture right now.

AMY: I'm sorry. But... (She frowns with the difficulty of what she was going to say.) Listen, sometimes things don't always work out the way we want them to.

(Daria takes a moment to absorb this remark.)

DARIA: What's that supposed to mean?

AMY: I... (shakes her head.) Daria, do you trust me?

DARIA: You've never given me reason not to. (cocks an eyelid.) Until now.

AMY: Please Daria, if there's any time you should trust me, it's now. I want your mom to get better, too.

DARIA: (as though there's a painful knot in her throat) All right. I trust you. 

AMY: Thanks.

DARIA: But...

AMY: Yeah?

DARIA: Just... (can't get the last words out.) 

AMY: (inviting) What? What's on your mind?

DARIA: Nothing.

(Cut to wide shot of Daria sitting on the bed after the phone call has ended. She holds the receiver to her ear for several more seconds before finally letting it slide out of her hand.) 

TO BE CONTINUED.........

[roll the credits.........................]

As with "None in the Family," I'll save my COMMENTARY and THE MYSTERIES OF for the second half of this fic.

Points of Interest

Location of Helen's office: One of the older versions of the MTV Daria web site indicated the Helen's firm was in Lawndale. That could either be Lawndale City proper or Lawndale County (although the same web site swore Lawndale was in Carter County). Either way, it's possible Lawndale is a large enough place that taking the freeway from one end to the other could be more convenient than taking the surface streets.

The Elvis songs on Helen's drive:

Are You Lonesome Tonight? (1960) - words & music by Roy Turk and Lou Handman

How's the World Treating You? (1956) - words & music by Atkins - Bryant Bridge Over Troubled Water -- words & music by Paul Simon

Somehow, I could see Helen loving Elvis above all other 60's Rock and Rollers, including Lennon, Hendrix, and Mick Jagger. There's just something about those hips...

Location of Amy's abode: As you may have figured out, I kept it intentionally vague. Just as you've been playing "Where's Lawndale?", now you can play "Where's Amy's city?"

The expression of Amy and Joel's relationship: For the curious, yes of course they do more than hold hands and kiss! They've just reached the point in their relationship where they don't need to have hot steamy sex all the time. Besides, whatever amorous behavior they normally display would be modified out of courtesy to Helen. 

Joel/Tom: I s'pose I can see the resemblance - sarcastic, supportive boyfriend with a faintly sketched out background. As I said, I've tried to give Joel quirks in this fic and previous ones, and intend to flesh him out more in the second half. Also, whereas Tom seems blandly open to everything, I tried to make Joel seem somewhat annoyed that Helen was walking into his and Amy's life unannounced.

The Title: "All But Forgotten" turned out a little differently than I thought, so I'm wondering what parts of the story people will identify with the title.

Anyway, I hope you've loved this fic and made it your own, because Part Two, won't come out until December or January. I would have started it sooner if not for the fact that I'm working on spec scripts to be submitted to a comedy writing workshop. If they're approved, I'll get in the workshop, which is very exclusive. If not, I'll at least have some decent scripts to shop around. I was even thinking of waiting to release DWU #19 after I had finished #20, but that would have taken too long, and several people were already restless for new material in the DWU. 

By the time Part Two arrives, I'm sure you'll have memorized this one and made note of all the issues that need to be addressed. Hopefully it will come out before "Is It College Yet?"

Why couldn't they come up with a better title for the final "Daria" movie?? Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright September 2001. All rights reserved.


	20. Memory Road

"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is [or should be] the twentieth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows "Rose-Colored Lenses," "The Tie That Chokes," "That Thing You Say," "'Shipped Out," "Andrea Speaks!", "Cheered Down," "None in the Family, Part One, " "None in the Family, Part Two," "Outvoted," "Of Absolute Value," "Breaking the Mold," "Surreal World," "Erin the Head," "Primarily Color," "The Age of Cynicism," "Charge of the Math Brigade," "An Uneasy Marriage," "In Her Own Words," and "All But Forgotten." 

This fic is, like, a 5S, I think. It's the longest yet. Sit and read it all at once, and yer bum will grow numb. Heh.

A note on the title: As many of you know, the original title for this fic was "Memory Lane." I still think it sounds better, but I and several of my beta-readers worried that it implied a Lane family connection that didn't exist. Thus, I changed it to "Memory Road," after this bit of dialogue between Daria and Quinn in "Boxing Daria":

DARIA: Do you remember us having one of these when we were kids?

QUINN: Daria, I'm doing manual labor here? I'm not in the mood for a stroll down memory road.

I thought the connection was neat. Both the episode and the fanfic involve flashbacking and family troubles. Both also are deeper and more emotional than the ones that preceded it. Runners up for the title included "Evasion Maneuvers" and "Blameless." You'll see why.

Before we launch into it, I want to apologize if it seemed like I was teasing you about when this second half would be released. Trust me, it was out of eagerness that I kept saying "It'll be ready soon! Soon, soon, soon!" Thank you for your patience. And enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

(Black screen. Suddenly two circles, encasing two eyes, appear.)

DARIA: (VO) Oh joy, another recap. Is it just me, or do these get longer each time I watch television? Just another reminder to trade mine in for that stainless steel knife collection. (Bt) After "Sick Sad World" goes off the air, of course.

(Pause)

DARIA: (sighing) Previously on "Daria"...

... Quinn learns she has a major vision problem and needs glasses.  
... Quinn's glasses conspire with her math teacher to turn her into a completely unfashionable math geek.  
... Mom discovers she has a knack for sculpting.  
... Dad discovers he has a knack for tutoring Quinn, just as I learn I have a knack for torturing Quinn.  
... And just when I'd stopped worrying about dying alone, Aunt Amy sends over pictures of her peachy keen life with her boyfriend.  
... The ensuing raging envy I feel leads me to set up Trent Lane with my cousin Erin. &%#$@^%?!!  
... And later I moan about my depressing life to people even more pathetic than me on an underground newspaper.

(Pause)

DARIA: Oh, wait... you want a recap of the previous episode. Why didn't you say so? (Bt) Previously on "Daria"...

[Shot of Helen and her boss in Helen's office.]

ERIC: Helen. (meaningful look.) You need rest. So you don't end up getting a much longer rest.

(Helen catches his meaning, swallows hard.)

[Shot of Amy and Joel with Helen, in their living room.]

AMY: (sleepy) It's not your habit to drop in on people after midnight, is it?

[Later shot of Amy coming over to Helen on the couch.]

AMY: Hel--

(Helen reaches forward and grabs her sister around the waist. Pressing her face against Amy's side, she starts shivering and crying noiselessly. Amy looks down at her, stunned. Then she leans down awkwardly and lays her arms around her.)

[Shot of Amy and Joel in bed.]

JOEL: She came to you with her problems, didn't she?

AMY: Which brings us to the great mystery. Why me?

[Shot of Daria and Quinn in the kitchen, watching Jake leave.]

QUINN: He didn't even ask where Mom was. It's like he doesn't even care.

DARIA: (more calm, but still alarmed) Now, now. Let's not jump to any conclusions.

[Shot of Jane, Daria, and Quinn in the Pizza King]

JANE: So what would be the harm in following him?

[Driving shot of them arriving at the park.]

[Shots of Daria, Jane, and Quinn watching Jake play ball.]

(In preparation, Jake beats his bat against the ground -- one time so hard, it sends pain shocks through his hands and causes him to drop the bat. He yelps with pain. Daria cocks a brow: "Typical Dad." Just then DeMartino bounds out of the dug-out, claps Jake on the back.)

VOICES ALL AROUND: Yeahhhh Prof! Whoo-hoo!

JAKE: (warm gratitude) Thanks, Tony! This one's gonna be for you.

[Later shot of Daria talking to Jane, angry. Shot of Quinn watching from afar, wearing a left-out expression.]

DARIA: (devoid of sarcasm) They should have told us the truth, Jane. What they're up to could have major impact on our family, yet they're too selfish to let me and Quinn come to terms with it.

[Shot Helen and Amy by Amy's car.]

HELEN: It was you. I kept wondering what my main reason for visiting was, and now I know: you're the cause of my problems. You started everything.

AMY: (winces at her angry tone) You're not just looking for a convenient villain?

[Flashback shot of Helen and Greg kissing from "An Uneasy Marriage."]

[Shot Helen and Amy in the car, evening.]

AMY: I don't think you can put things back the way they were, and I don't think you think so, either. (more gentle.) And in spite of the pain and confusion you're feeling, do you really believe it'd be better to go back?

HELEN: It's selfish of me to even think I could walk out on my sweet Jakey and turn my girls' lives upside down because of some fleeting moment of satisfaction.

[Significant look from Amy.]

[Shot of Amy, with that same look, and Joel in the living room.]

AMY: (softly) I just need more time with her.

[Shot of Amy and Daria on the phone.]

AMY: Please Daria, if there's any time you should trust me, it's now. I want your mom to get better, too.

DARIA: (as though there's a painful knot in her throat) All right. I trust you.

AMY: Thanks.

DARIA: But...

AMY: Yeah?

DARIA: Just... (can't get the last words out.)

AMY: (inviting) What? What's on your mind?

DARIA: Nothing.

[The phone slides from her hand.]

[intro theme music...................]

MEMORY ROAD byKara Wild

* * *

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Amy's place, middle of the night)

(Shot of the outside of the apartment building, entirely dark except for a thin glowing outline from the moonlight. Cut to shot of Amy and Joel in bed. Amy is sound asleep, looking as though every fiber of her being needs rest. Joel shifts around beside her, his eyes open. A couple of times he turns to look at his sleeping lover before focusing his gaze on the ceiling.)

(Cut to shot of Helen lying sideways in the guest bed with the sheets tangled around her. Her eyes are also open, and her mind moves at a mile a minute.)

(Dissolve to a flashback. Close-up of a young Helen, around ten years old. Her hair is a couple of shades lighter, and in contrast to the breezy confidence she shows as an adult, she looks withdrawn. Zoom out to show that she's sitting on a couch in the Barksdale family den, her legs drawn to her chest. Several seconds pass in silence, until we cut to a shot of a woman peeking at her through the door. She turns, and we recognize her as Helen's mother, Evelyn Barksdale. Frowning with concern, or perhaps annoyance, she walks into the posh living room, where a few relative are seated. A young Rita plays with her dolls on the floor.)

EVELYN: I honestly don't know what's gotten into her. She's been like this for weeks.

EVELYN'S MOTHER: She's probably just nervous. It's a big change, after all.

RITA: (chipper) I'm not nervous. I'm excited.

(Evelyn smiles indulgently, then tries to bend over and stroke Rita's hair, but finds it too difficult.)

EVELYN: Yes, you are a good sister, aren't you?

EVELYN'S MOTHER-IN-LAW: (Helen and Rita's Grandma Barksdale) It's too bad Howard's been so busy lately. He could talk some sense into her.

EVELYN: I don't think even he can help.

(Cut to shot of young Helen, sitting there silently.)

EVELYN: (VO) She barely eats and sleeps. She cries on and off and hates to leave the house. And she hardly ever talks. (stressed.) I don't know what to do for her! I'm in no position to deal with this right now.

EVELYN'S MOTHER: (sympathetic) Of course not. You just rest, dear.

(The voices fade as we return to the present. Helen shifts in the guest bed, then sighs and sits up.)

HELEN: (thought VO) I hate bad memories. Why can't I just keep my mind on the positive? (frowns.) But if I could do that, would I be here?

(After a few more seconds, she stands and walks out of the room.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (living room)

(Shot of Helen seated on the couch, holding a framed photograph in her hands. In contrast to her earlier mood, she looks quietly thoughtful.)

HELEN: (thought VO) All right, Helen. You've cried yourself dry. You've run away. Now what are you going to do?

(She looks at the photograph, as if wishing it would yield a response.)

HELEN: (thought VO) That sounds like something Amy would say. You're lucky she talks to you at all, after what you accused her of.

(Helen takes a deep breath, and her eyes narrow with resolve.)

HELEN: First thing you'll do is apologize to her in the morning. And then, you'll go home and talk to Jake. And if he loves you, he'll forgive you. Then we'll get help... and you'll refocus on your career and get everything back on track.

(Her expression becomes more vulnerable.)

HELEN: You won't let fear paralyze you. You're not a child anymore.

(She presses her chin to her chest and rocks slowly back and forth, trying to take comfort in these thoughts. Suddenly there's a faint creaking sound off screen. Helen turns toward the doorway and sees a faint shadow across the floor.)

HELEN: Amy?

(After another beat, Joel steps into full view.)

HELEN: Joel.

JOEL: (tired, gruff) Lovely middle of the night, isn't it?

HELEN: (concern) I didn't wake you, did I?

JOEL: Not unless you made the greasy hoagie that's churning inside of me.

HELEN: But after the way I was... (chuckles, embarrassed.) Oh, that's right -- I wasn't actually saying any of it out loud.

(Joel looks at her a bit strangely. Though generally easy-going, he likes everything to be in its place, and can be prickly when faced with disorder. Since Helen's unexpected arrival, Joel's resentment toward her has grown with every passing hour, and Helen can feel his chilliness. Even so, he is not immune to the sight of her slumped over on the couch, the moonlight falling against her, looking like the loneliest creature on earth.)

JOEL: I'm on my way to the kitchen for some of the pink stuff.

HELEN: I see. (smiles a bit awkwardly.) Well I hope you feel better.

JOEL: Thanks. (raises a brow at the photograph.) Hope you and the picture have a nice time together.

HELEN: What, this? (She looks at it, as though seeing it for the first time.) Oh I just picked it up off the mantel over there. It's nothing. (smiles faintly.) Actually, it's not "nothing."

(Joel walks over and sits down on an arm of the couch.)

JOEL: (glancing over, smiles) Amy as a smoochy-poo baby. I like this one.

HELEN: I'm surprised she'd display this. (wry.) It's as if she's willing to be vulnerable.

JOEL: She took it from one of the shelves of your mother's house, when we came to visit a few months back. Also a couple of photo albums from when she was really young.

HELEN: How come?

JOEL: Just because. No explanation. (looks at the picture.) Here she looks like she could be five months, maybe...

HELEN: Six months. I took the picture. (Joel raises a brow.) I was pretty young myself, so that's why it's a little out of focus.

JOEL: You caught her at a good time, though. She looks so happy.

HELEN: She was. (smiles with the warmth of someone about to relive a pleasant experience.) Every day when I came home from school, she would crawl toward me with a big toothless smile and a trail of drool down her chin.

JOEL: (smirks) Was she a naughty kid?

HELEN: Not really. Not as much as you might think. I did the usual baby stuff with her: played Peek-a-boo, stole her nose, taught her the names of every female head of state. I loved her so much. (looks at Joel, her cheeks flushing.) I'll confess, both of my girls were beautiful babies, but neither of them was as darling as Amy. I don't know what it was. (looks back at the photo.) Yesterday, when she invited me to stay a little longer, I wasn't sure I wanted to, until I saw this.

(Joel looks at the photograph again; something about it speaks to him, as well as to Helen. He catches Helen's eye, and Joel suddenly finds her less of a pain in the ass. He nods toward the door.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (kitchen, a short time later)

(Joel stands in front of the refrigerator, shaking a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to see how much is left. Helen sits at the table, sipping tea and looking much improved.)

HELEN: You used coasters at the dinner table??

JOEL: When you don't have a mother around, you tend to overcompensate. In high school I was voted "most likely to shampoo your rug."

(Helen chuckles.)

JOEL: So yes, I'm a neat freak. Could've been much worse, though.

HELEN: Was it hard living with just your father?

JOEL: Not really, since I never saw him much. He was a department store manager, so he worked long hours. (faces Helen.) Still, when Dad was around, he made it count by limiting my life to school, music, and "pre-selected community-building activities." A lot of gangs in my neighborhood could've claimed me, but they never did.

HELEN: Good for you. (brow crease.) But it doesn't sound very appealing.

JOEL: You'd have to meet my father. He's really a loving guy. Now that he's retired, he and I spend more time just hanging out. Amy likes him, so he must be worth something, right?

(He and Helen both chuckle at that.)

JOEL: I think she wishes she could get to know her own father as an adult.

(Helen's face goes solemn. Joel remembers that he's talking to Amy's sister, and looks at her apologetically.)

HELEN: Oh no... (shakes her head.) So it sounds as though you and your father have been like Amy's family. (smiles.) Does that mean you two are...

JOEL: We are...?

HELEN: That there won't be any more phone calls to my office?

(Joel looks at her blankly. Then he gets an "Oh yeah!" expression, remembering the conversation in "That Thing You Say.")

JOEL: I thought you were going to ask if we planned to tie the knot.

HELEN: I meant: are things all right between you two?

JOEL: (shrugs a little) Better than they were.

HELEN: Any thoughts of marriage?

JOEL: I know I have... but we're still getting used to living together.

HELEN: But you moved in months ago. Not that I'm trying to dictate a time table, but --

JOEL: (raising a brow) We've needed those months. I just told you what I'm like. I lived alone for a long time before we started dating. Whatever Amy's said --

HELEN: (too quickly) Nothing. Nothing at all.

JOEL: -- isn't completely off the mark. I'm kind of an asshole.

HELEN: Oh Joel, no.

JOEL: No, it's true. I'm impatient, moody, a neat freak, I drive into hurricanes instead of asking for directions.

HELEN: (amused) You make well-ordered lists.

JOEL: I don't share my feelings when asked, but I make others share theirs when they don't want to. If that's not asshole behavior, I don't know what is.

HELEN: Or maybe you're just human.

JOEL: You think? Then again, Amy's not always perfect herself.

HELEN: (faint smile) No, she's not.

JOEL: We're both so used to telling people who disagree with us to bugger off, it's hard when that person and you share a bed. (sees Helen's expression.) We still have a lot to learn. I don't want to deal with another divorce.

(At "divorce," Helen's face goes pensive for a few moments.)

HELEN: You say you've thought of marriage. (cocks brow.) Has Amy?

JOEL: She's made murmurings in that direction. At some point she'll actually speak of it at normal volume.

(Helen groans softly.)

JOEL: I think she would, if she weren't going through a personal crisis. (Helen looks at him.) Which I take it she never mentioned.

HELEN: No.

JOEL: Job dissatisfaction. She puts a lot of herself into her work, more than you'd think. But even though she makes good money, she no longer enjoys it. If she ever did.

(Joel's expression suggests months of fatigue and anxiety that his words barely hint at. Helen frowns.)

JOEL: She was going to attend this clinic that would help her explore other options.

HELEN: "Was"? Are you saying she missed it? Why on earth would she do that?

(Joel looks at her.)

HELEN: Because of me? (closes her eyes.) Oh Amy... she never once mentioned it.

JOEL: She didn't want to leave you alone.

HELEN: (brow crease) But I'd have let her go if I'd known how important it was to her. (Her expression becomes pained.) But after the awful things I said, who could blame her for not wanting to tell me?

(Joel looks at her questioningly, wondering if she'll elaborate. Instead, Helen turns away and looks as though she's deeply pondering.)

HELEN: (softly) It's all my fault. Everything's my fault.

JOEL: Helen, don't be so hard on yourself.

HELEN: No, it's true. (groans) Which makes it that much more imperative that I set it right.

JOEL: So what are you going to do?

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer kitchen, morning)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria at the table, cordless phone to her ear. Quinn enters, looking tired and crabby, and silently sits down on one of the counter stools. Daria glances at her as she continues to listen to Helen on the other end.)

DARIA: (into the phone) Yes, Dad and Quinn are fine. (Pause) Dad's still in bed.

JAKE: (suddenly, from out back) AGHHHHH! Work, you stupid machine!

DARIA: I mean destroying the lawn mower. (Bt) Yes, I know where the tourniquets are. (Bt) See you soon.

(Seconds later, she clicks off the phone.)

DARIA: (to Quinn, with relief) Mom said she'll be home this afternoon. Commence normal boring weekend.

QUINN: (distant, flips through an open newspaper nearby) Great.

DARIA: So Aunt Amy worked her magic. (thought VO.) In spite of what she said.

QUINN: Yeah.

DARIA: Our parents might not be cozy, but at least they'll share a zip code.

QUINN: Yeah.

DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) And soon aliens will invade our planet and make candy wrapper hair extensions the new fashion "do."

(Quinn pushes aside the newspaper and sits up, looking angry.)

QUINN: I heard you, Daria. I was paying attention.

DARIA: If that were true, you'd be ewwing about now. Frankly I'd've thought you of all people would be thrilled about Mom and Dad.

(Quinn hops off of the stool.)

QUINN: Since when do you know anything about me?!

(She walks briskly out of the room, leaving a puzzled Daria to stare after her.)

DARIA: (to the empty room) I'd better not tell her about the two-way glass in her mirror.

(cut to:)

SCENE 5 (Amy's place, a little later)

(Shot of the outside. Close-up on Amy, sitting up in bed, Indian-style. Her face is pensive and weary, and maybe a trifle green, as though she's eaten the wrong thing. She watches as Helen rushes between her bedroom and the bathroom, dressed in her usual business suit.)

HELEN: I have to leave, Amy. I have to face this, and I can't do it here.

AMY: You don't need to explain yourself, Helen.

HELEN: And I'd stay for breakfast, but if I do I might wind up making some silly excuse to avoid leaving, and there's no way I can keep doing that! Not when it's so unfair to Jake and the girls, and for me to just drive away and not explain to Jake what I've been feeling, I can't believe I've let it sit for so long! That's not me. This is me.

(Helen's face, now done up in its usual fashion, takes on a hard, determined expression. Amy looks her over and leans back against her pillows.)

HELEN: I know that means I won't see your favorite spots, but I promise you, honey, I do want to. (face softens.) I won't let another twenty years go by before I see your home again.

AMY: Since by then, it could be on the new Mars colony.

(She chuckles, as does Helen. But Helen notices that something is off about Amy's behavior. She doesn't seem angry, but lacks energy.)

HELEN: I hope you're not upset.

AMY: Upset to have my weekend back? When I can finally make that needlepoint class?

(This brings to mind the comment Joel made about the clinic. Helen looks at Amy with a mixture of gratitude and guilt.)

HELEN: I want to thank you and Joel for putting up with me.

AMY: Think nothing of it. I know you'd do the same.

HELEN: Maybe so, but I haven't said "thank you" nearly enough the past couple of days. And the words I have said haven't been all that kind.

AMY: (sardonic) Really?

HELEN: I shouldn't have blamed you for my problems. (sighs.) I was upset, I needed a scapegoat, but it wasn't your fault.

AMY: (softer) Really...

HELEN: I know you sacrificed a lot to keep me here. (eyes Amy.) Probably more than you're willing to admit. I'm sorry to have behaved so thoughtlessly.

AMY: Helen... (Her cheeks flush, as though embarrassed by the strong emotions she's feeling. She looks at her sister and smiles.) Apology accepted. And for what it's worth, you weren't the burden I thought you would be. In fact...

HELEN: Yes?

AMY: I... never mind. There were some things I wanted to ask. Nothing important.

HELEN: (coaxing) Come on, Amy: no secrets. Remember?

AMY: It's nothing that can't wait for e-mail.

HELEN: All right, but don't be shy.

(She looks at Amy a moment longer before reaching over to give her a hug. We see Amy's face over Helen's shoulder, solemn and thoughtful.)

HELEN: (pulling away) I'll call you when I get home.

(She brushes a few stray hairs off of Amy's face, and moves toward the door.)

AMY: Helen, wait. Don't go.

(Helen turns, sees Amy's serious expression.)

HELEN: What's the matter?

AMY: (shaking her head) Believe me, I want to let you go, but something doesn't feel right. I... just hear me out.

(Concerned, Helen comes back over and sits beside Amy on the bed.)

AMY: A piece of our puzzle is missing. Now maybe I'm overstepping my boundaries and misreading things and what have you, but I have to ask.

HELEN: Ask what?

AMY: Are you still in love with Jake?

HELEN: (after a slight pause, stunned) Why Amy, what on earth kind of question is that?

AMY: A valid one. (softer.) Hey, if the answer's yes, then all the pain and heartache you've suffered or have yet to suffer will be worth it.

(Helen just looks at Amy.)

(fade-out. fade-in to:)

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer garage, that same time)

JAKE: Damn it! That's the second one I've busted in two weeks! Lousy cheap piece of tin - OW! You bit me! (He snaps back his hand, revealing a cut on his finger, then puts it in his mouth.)

DARIA: Um... Father?

JAKE: Thtoopid... (removes his hand.) Dammit, you're ALL AGAINST ME!

(He starts kicking the lawn equipment viciously, causing it to fall every which way. Daria just stands there watching, until Jake finally turns around.)

JAKE: (brightens immediately) Oh. Hey kiddo.

DARIA: Not to interrupt your struggle for survival, but Mom called. She's coming home from... (Suddenly she frowns, not remembering what excuse she gave him.)

JAKE: Helping your aunt replenish her wardrobe after her old one was destroyed by that horrific moth invasion? (shudders.) Ewww.

DARIA: Er... yes. Yes, exactly.

JAKE: Quinn told me.

DARIA: Of course. Though don't be surprised if Mom gives it a different spin.

JAKE: So she'll be home this afternoon, then.

DARIA: Yep. (tries to sound suggestive.) I'm sure you two will have a lot of catching up to do.

JAKE: Yeah, great.

(Daria notes a subtle, yet definite lack of enthusiasm. Her brow creases with concern.)

DARIA: If you need Quinn and me to spend the night elsewhere --

JAKE: (laughing) Aw don't be silly, kiddo!

DARIA: Silly... of course. (awkward.) Well now that I've told you, I'll be on my merry way.

(She turns to leave.)

JAKE: Daria?

DARIA: (turning) Yes?

JAKE: Um, so your mother has been at your aunt's this whole time?

DARIA: According to the call tracer, she has.

JAKE: (uneasy) Traced... calls. That's... funny, kiddo!

DARIA: I can hardly contain myself.

(Deadpan, Daria looks at him a bit longer, preparing to say more. Finally she leaves.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Daria's room, shortly after)

(Daria sits at her computer desk, the cordless phone to her ear.)

DARIA: I had my chance, and I blew it.

(Intercut between her and Jane, on the other end. Jane is still lying in bed, looking as though she's struggling to keep the conversation straight.)

JANE: So go find him and ask him again.

DARIA: (flustered) I can't do it now, the moment has passed. It would be too awkward. But I have to ask him, I've put it off for too long. But it's none of my business. Of course it's my business...

JANE: For this, you woke me up in the wee hours of late morning?

DARIA: My mother's coming home, anyway. I should wait until they're in the same room.

JANE: Because having them in the same room worked so well before.

DARIA: (glaring) It will be different this time. I know stuff now.

JANE: So you'll finally say, "Hey Mom and Dad, Quinn and I have the right to know what's going on, so you'd better spill the beans, or we'll turn the car into a shelter for stray animals with really poor bladder control."

DARIA: Is Mystik Spiral sleeping over again?

JANE: (softer) I know this has been hard for you, Daria. But it's not like you to be so timid when you're this close to uncovering the bullshit.

DARIA: Oh yeah?? Well maybe it's not up to me this time. Why doesn't someone else do the dirty work for a change?

JANE: Is a vacuum cleaner convention in town? (As Daria rolls her eyes, gently:) Come on, what's the absolute worst that could happen?

(Beat)

DARIA: My deepest, darkest fears will be confirmed. My parents will divorce, and I'll have to endure a parade of would-be lovers with names like "Stu" and "Lurlene."

JANE: Would there be cheap jewelry involved?

DARIA: (nods) And implant scars.

JANE: I can imagine Quinn's reaction. (falsetto, imitation.) "Ewww! That necklace is turning your chest green!"

DARIA: (suddenly sulky) Maybe.

JANE: What's her take on all this?

DARIA: I haven't spoken to her about it. Or rather, she isn't speaking to me.

JANE: She's mad at you again?

DARIA: No reason, again.

JANE: No reason? That can't be true.

DARIA: Or one she'd rather not tell me. One that makes sense only after she's twisted it to suit her logic. God I'm sick of this.

JANE: Maybe you need a third party to squeeze it out of her.

DARIA: I couldn't ask you to do that.

JANE: Anything to help out. Face it, amiga: no matter what happens, you guys are gonna need each other.

DARIA: (dispirited) Right. (Pause) Hey Jane?

JANE: Yeah?

DARIA: (with difficulty) It's not just that our lives could change if my parents divorce. I could adjust to them being in two different places, since I'll be in college soon anyway. It's just that they've been together for so long, and they've got a ton of history. I think it would sort of hurt them if they had to give it all up.

(cut to: )

SCENE 8 (Amy's place, same time)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to close-up of Joel, his head tilted downward.)

JOEL: (irritated) What do you mean she hasn't gone home??

(Wide shot reveals him on the living room couch -- lying on top of Amy. Both of them are clothed, but that wasn't going to last for much longer. Until Amy dropped the news, she and Joel were kissing with the ease and insistence of people who knew that they were not being spied on. Now Joel has pulled away, frowning.)

JOEL: Her car's gone.

AMY: No... I just asked her to move it to the street. You know how those parking nazis get when you're in someone's spot longer than twenty-four hours.

JOEL: She's been gone a while.

AMY: Yeah, well, maybe she decided to go on home anyway. (reflective.) Though after what we talked about, I doubt it.

(Joel sits up, the moment all but passed.)

JOEL: She seemed so damned determined to go home, I thought she might actually go through it.

AMY: She would have, but I asked her to stay. (Joel stares at her. Amy looks back at him with a hard-eyed expression.) Look, she'll still be leaving today; it will just be later.

JOEL: May I ask why?

AMY: Why, what?

JOEL: Why you kept her from leaving?

AMY: I wanted to show her one of my favorite haunts. It might be months before she comes back.

JOEL: (doubtful) That the only reason?

AMY: No. (trace of annoyance.) Because as much as she thinks she's got a handle on her problems, she doesn't. She'd be making a big mistake if she went home like nothing happened.

JOEL: (groaning) But she knows she still has problems, that's why she's leaving. It's one thing for you to support her when she was a basket case, but now she wants to do for herself. So just let her, already.

AMY: Are you kidding? A good hostess never leaves her guests to fend for themselves.

(Her tone is light, but her eyes still glitter with "Don't question me" rebellion. Joel grits his teeth in a smile.)

JOEL: For someone who hated getting blamed last night, you sure seem eager for a second whipping.

AMY: This time it's different. This time I'm sure I can help.

JOEL: How? What exactly do you want her to do??

AMY: (after a slight pause) What she really wants... for once.

JOEL: And just how do you know so well what she wants?!

(Amy looks away, her boyfriend's tone of voice not lost on her. Then she looks back at him, takes his face gently in her hands, and kisses him deeply on the lips. When she pulls back, she looks him in the eye.)

AMY: Somehow, I just do.

(Joel returns her gaze, staring into the depths of her brown eyes. He assesses the "trust me" tone of her warm, melting voice, before leaning in closer.)

END OF ACT ONE

[Shot of Evelyn Barksdale and co. in flashback, followed by shot of Daria and Jake in the garage, followed by shot of Helen and Amy hugging, followed by shot of Jane lying in bed, the phone to her ear.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

"At an undetermined time, only at MTV's discretion: Daria finally confronts Quinn's sinister math teacher, only to find he has an ace up his sleeve. And Quinn finally learns what Sandi has been up to since she quit Student Council. Next week... or the week after... or when MTV decides to shave a half-hour off of a Road Rules marathon... on an all-new 'Daria.'" 

"Wait... you say that 'Daria' has moved to the Noggin Channel? Well good luck ever seeing it then. Uh, I mean: subscribe to Noggin NOW!"

Heyloh... we need to find some way to make "Daria" palatable to the general MTV audience, so we're squeezing in a video by a well-known rock group. Although it does not contain any footage or lyrics relating to "Daria," we're sure the vapid MTV VJ's can make some tenuous connection... 

Those public service commercials, where average-looking kids solemnly confess: "I helped gun down a village in Bolivia." "I smuggled bombs and weapons into public place." Because these kids took drugs. These commercials want us to believe that drug-taking kids were responsible for the sort of terrorism that brought down the World Trade Center towers. When in fact they had nothing to do with it, and probably very little to do with terrorism in South America. If these public service commercials really want to make a statement, they ought to show a middle-aged man fueling up his SUV while proclaiming: "I help fund schools that breed religious fanatics. Hey, I just want to look cool when I drive." 

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, around noon)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Quinn lying on her bed, head propped up with one hand, gazing down at her math text. For once she looks as though she can't focus. Her eyes keep drifting away from the page, until finally she slides off the bed and darts over to the CD player to change the CD, which has been playing inoffensive boy band pop. Once she completes the task, she turns around to go back... only to find Jane standing in her room.)

JANE: Um, knocky, knocky.

QUINN: Jane! What are you doing in here?

JANE: Wow, your room still looks like this?

QUINN: (now annoyed) Shouldn't you, like, be sitting with Daria, complaining about stuff?

JANE: (faux energized) Not when I've got the chance to invite you to join Daria on a fun-filled excursion downstairs!

QUINN: To do what?

JANE: Confront your dad.

QUINN: (frowning) That's not fun.

JANE: It would be if your dad were Ozzy Osbourne. You could watch him stumble around, mumbling nonsensical things and cursing at inanimate objects. (Wait -- that is Jake.) On second thought...

QUINN: (suspicious) Why are you here asking me instead of Daria?

JANE: You know your sister. Always on the run, too busy to handle her own affairs.

(Quinn plops back down on the bed with her math book.)

QUINN: She can confront Dad herself, then.

(Jane lets out a big groan.)

JANE: C'mon Quinn, I just got through giving this lecture to Daria. You can't afford to be mad at her: she's your only ally. The one person who knows exactly how you feel about this crappy parental neglect thing.

QUINN: What about you? You seem to know how it feels.

JANE: Only because the situation has made my childhood and young adulthood flash before my eyes. (shudders.) Be glad neither of your parents is on a balloon trip over the Andes.

(Quinn smiles, albeit briefly.)

QUINN: Sorry. But there's still no point in me coming with her.

JANE: Why not?

QUINN: Because I already talked to my dad.

JANE: (surprised) When?

QUINN: This morning. I was like, "Dad, enough is enough. Are you and Mom fighting? Are you gonna get a divorce?"

JANE: What'd he do?

QUINN: Well first he kind of went all pale and laughed really nervously and put his hand on his heart like he was about to have another heart attack, and --

JANE: Okay, okay: but did he say anything?

QUINN: (quieter) He said it was up to Mom. Then he had to check the freezer to make sure the lasagna hadn't gone bad, and ran off.

JANE: Yeesh.

QUINN: Then okay, so I called Mom on her cell phone, right? But it went right to her voicemail, so I called Aunt Amy's house and her boyfriend answered. So I talked to him a little and told him what was going on, and he sounded kind of weird, I wouldn't say mad or anything, but he told me Aunt Amy wanted to show Mom one last thing before she left. (frustrated.) So Mom hasn't even started home yet.

JANE: (overwhelmed) Well I admire your footwork. But don't you think this is something you could've might've should've told Daria?

(Quinn's expression darkens into one of resentment.)

QUINN: Why should I? She didn't tell me Mom's real reason for visiting Aunt Amy.

JANE: Oh?

QUINN: (storming) She thought I was too stupid, like I couldn't handle the truth! Well this time I wanted to know something she didn't know, something really important. (more solemn.) I was gonna tell her eventually.

JANE: First day at the retirement community? (Quinn shoots a look of defiance.) Look, Daria doesn't think you're stupid; she just has incredibly high standards that very few people meet. So to her, you're not uniquely stupid --

QUINN: (angry/amused) Ha, right. I've only lived with her since birth. And I know when she thinks you're really stupid, and I know she thinks I am.

JANE: Quinn, you're --

QUINN: And you want to know why?? 'Cause she doesn't want me to be smart.

JANE: Oh please, Daria's been encouraging you since Day One. First with the glasses, then with doing well in school, and --

QUINN: I used to think that.

JANE: What??

QUINN: Like you, that she just wanted me to meet her standards. So I've tried. But the smarter I get at math, the less she seems to like it.

JANE: And how can you prove that?

QUINN: When I was doing badly, she always used to say I wasn't living up to my potential. Now she says I'm only doing well because my math teacher is a big creep.

JANE: You think there's something to what she says?

QUINN: NO!

(The vehemence of her outburst startles Jane, and even seems to startle Quinn, who then looks embarrassed if only briefly.)

QUINN: Okay, so he gives me some extra attention. But I've come most of the way myself!

JANE: I believe you. (puts up her hands in a jovial "back off" manner.) But devil's advocate: when's the last time you doled out compliments to her? Like, say, on her appearance?

QUINN: But she hasn't changed her appearance. She hasn't changed anything! It's all been me.

JANE: Well no matter how much you think she's wronged you, it's not gonna help if all you do is growl at her. You've gotta be honest, which means you've gotta face her.

QUINN: (resistant) If I tell her, she'll just say something real smart and clever to twist it around, so I look even stupider. She's good at that. (squeezes her eyes shut.) I'm tired of it.

(Jane looks at Quinn a moment, as if understanding exactly what she feels. She reaches over to pat Quinn on the shoulder, then thinks better of it.)

JANE: 'Kay fine, we won't mention this conversation. But for the greater good, you think you could at least tell Daria what you know?

(Quinn pauses, looks from Jane to her book.)

JANE: Okay, then. I tell her.

(Quinn glares at Jane, stands up, and walks out of the room. Jane follows.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (that same time, near the coast)

HELEN: I do love him, you know.

(Amy has been driving them along a two-lane highway, not far outside her city. She glances over at Helen beside her.)

AMY: Yes, you've told me.

HELEN: It's just... it's just it's complicated.

AMY: I understand.

(They continue to ride in silence, the same silence that has been between them for most of the trip. Amy glances at Helen expectantly, while Helen gazes out at the faintly visible coastline. She then checks her watch for the dozenth time, then her cell phone, which has been accidentally shut off. She clicks it on and sees that she has missed a few calls, but there are no messages. Helen gets an even more distressed and restless expression.)

(Soon the road pulls away from the coast, and Amy drives into the parking lot of a slightly rundown, yet otherwise bland strip mall. Helen looks confused as her sister parks in front of a secondhand store.)

HELEN: This is it??

AMY: (getting out) This is it.

(Cut to the inside. The shelves are packed with slightly dusty, interesting artifacts, such as old board games, lamps, exercise equipment, collectors' plates, etc. Amy looks around appreciatively, with a sense of familiarity that comes from frequent visits. Helen, on the other hand, reacts with distinct discomfort.)

AMY: There's a real sense of ambiance, isn't there?

HELEN: Um, sure... but I don't understand. (a little cross.) We came all this way, just to visit a shop that's no different from any other pawn shop.

AMY: It's not just any shop. This one has sentimental value.

HELEN: You? Sentimental? Right.

AMY: You don't think I can be sentimental?

(Helen pauses, as if remembering something.)

HELEN: Actually, I do.

AMY: (pleased) You see, I stumbled upon this place years ago, when I broke down on my way home from college. I was trying to pass time, waiting for the mechanics to fix my engine... and suddenly it hit me.

HELEN: What?

AMY: I didn't want to be a chemist. (off Helen's puzzled reaction.) I majored in chemistry to please Mom and Dad, because I thought it made me look distinguished. I was good at it, but I didn't enjoy it.

HELEN: So what happened?

AMY: I switched majors... Mom and Dad said I was spoiled and lacked direction, of course. I headed down the path of liberal arts and haven't looked back. (sighs a little, then smirks.) It felt like the right idea at the time.

HELEN: So something here brought you to your epiphany?

AMY: I'm not sure. (looks around her, eyes filling with feeling.) But since then, I've come back every so often. It's where I decided to call Joel after Mom's anniversary party. There's something about it.

HELEN: (a little distant) Yes.

(And whatever that something is, Helen doesn't like it. She wishes she knew why. Then she turns to look at Amy, who is watching her with a rare sparkle in her eyes. Something about it touches Helen deep down, and in spite of her misery, she smiles.)

HELEN: Thank you for showing it to me.

AMY: I thought you might like it as well.

HELEN: How come?

AMY: Because if you've lost something, there's a good chance you might find it here. (looks at her carefully.) And it's also a good place to lose and find yourself again.

HELEN: (confused, or pretends to be) But I'm not looking for anything.

AMY: You've always been looking for something, Helen.

HELEN: (surprised) How do you know?

AMY: I just do. Blame it on that sixth sense I've got from years of standing in the background observing. (quietly matter of fact.) Ever since we were young, you didn't take on new challenges just to be the best, did you?

HELEN: I'm pretty sure I did.

AMY: You may have thought you did, but through all that testing of personal limits, you wanted to learn more about who you were. Find something that really fit you.

HELEN: (cocks a brow) That's a pretty strong statement.

AMY: (smirks) Says the woman who blamed me for ruining her life.

HELEN: (remembering) But you told me yesterday that I'd always tried to be something I wasn't.

AMY: That's right: something more than you were at present. It was a compliment, Helen.

HELEN: (sarcastic) Pardon me for not getting the obvious. Have you always felt this way?

AMY: (nodding) But I didn't realize it until last night.

HELEN: Why last night?

AMY: (placid) It's amazing, isn't it? How one experience can just trigger a bunch of new feelings? Remind you of things you once felt and at the same time open you up to new possibilities?

(Helen listens, feeling both bewildered and strangely closer to her sister than ever before.)

HELEN: Yes. (looks probingly at Amy.) But are you sure it's not you who's always been looking for something? Like right now, perhaps?

AMY: I'm just saying I think you're very close to getting what you want, and you're probably afraid. (intense look.) Don't be, Helen. You could be on the verge of something wonderful. Don't turn away, or you might never forgive yourself.

HELEN: Thank you, Ann Landers, but I...

(Helen is about to tell Amy she's just fine, but something about Amy's impassioned, sincere request causes the words to stick her throat. It comes across almost like need, suggesting a deeper level of despair than Joel had mentioned. At the same time, Helen can't deny its power. She finds herself smiling again and is about to speak, when it finally hits her -- why the shop bothers her. Like water through a busted dam, fears that she has been holding back flood her consciousness. Helen squeezes her eyes shut.)

AMY: What's wrong?

HELEN: This place... all these useless things. It reminds me of Jake's junk sculpture.

AMY: (not understanding) Really?

HELEN: (miserable) Oh Amy, Jake's the one you should be talking to, not me! He's the one who's been trying to find himself after years of being held back.

AMY: Held back?

HELEN: By me. I've been holding him back.

AMY: (frowning) How?

HELEN: I don't know... but there's something I'm not doing. (face puckers.) Because with the proper encouragement, he can do so much.

(Amy watches her sister's distress and feels a barrier slide between them again.)

HELEN: You know he's been teaching night classes? A friend of his got him involved. At first they just went bowling, but now he... classes. It really seems to be doing him a lot of good.

AMY: So what's the problem?

HELEN: His friend encouraged him. Not me.

AMY: All rivers run to the ocean.

HELEN: But I'm his wife! If I can't influence him in the right direction, what's the point of my being with him??

AMY: What about when he encourages you?

HELEN: (not hearing) He might have fulfilled his dreams years ago, and wouldn't have spent all this time feeling so hurt and resentful.

AMY: (arched brow) So his failings are your fault.

HELEN: Before I kissed Greg, I saw Jake's sculpture, and it struck me that Jake might deserve someone else. Someone who... (Pause, as Helen's face turns red and tears well up in her eyes.) Someone who could help him be... the kind of man he wants to be.

(Tears well up in her eyes, and she closes them to keep them from spilling over. Helen sinks down just as Amy reaches over to put a hand on her shoulder, leaving Amy to stroke air. She doubles over and hugs her knees, crying noiselessly and tearlessly, as though she's been seized by pains on the inside that would only get worse if she let anything out. Amy watches with concern, before crouching down to put her arms around Helen's shoulders.)

(After several moments pass, Helen sniffles and wipes her eyes, and looks about her as though trying to adjust to a new perspective.)

HELEN: (realizing) That's what this is about, isn't it? All this misery I've been feeling: it's because I felt like Jake deserves someone else. (sniffles, smiles a little.) Yes... that's it.

(She stands up shakily, with Amy's help.)

HELEN: Now that I've actually said it, it really doesn't seem so bad. (lawyer-like.) I can work with this. I can --

AMY: (carefully) And Greg?

HELEN: What about him?

AMY: You kissed him, didn't you?

HELEN: (quietly acknowledging) Of course I did. But don't you see? The only reason I did was because I felt so horrible about Jake. It was really more of a... an impulse. A fluke.

AMY: A fluke??

HELEN: This changes everything, now. (wipes her eyes.) I can work with this. I'll tell Jake about my insecurities, and we'll talk about it and maybe see someone.

AMY: (unrelenting) But what about what you said last night? About how Greg helped you "discover" yourself through sculpting and caused you to have some spiritual awakening?

HELEN: (smiles a little) I think that might have been the wine from dinner talking. I don't remember half of what I said.

(Amy just stares at her, dumbfounded.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer house, that same time)

JAKE: (OS) I don't know how it happened.

(Cut to shot of him, Daria, and Quinn sitting on the living room couches.)

JAKE: (crestfallen) Everything was fine. Well I mean your mother and I were fighting, but we always fight, and we always make up in the end.

(His eyes take on a dreamy look, suggesting the way in which they made up.)

JAKE: But then we had this one fight... it was the worst one we'd had, and it was all my fault!

QUINN: That one at Grandma Barksdale's party?

[*] See Helen and Jake's blow-up at the end of "None in the Family, Part One"

JAKE: No. (His face flushes, as he realizes he'll have to 'fess up about more recent events.) I accused her of having feelings for someone else. She said she didn't, and I thought we made up. But then she just... drifted away.

(Quinn looks distressed. Daria nods faintly, recalling what Jane said about Greg.)

DARIA: Drifted where?

JAKE: I don't know. She hasn't acted upset. When I get home at night, she's always there. You haven't seen her go out in the evenings, have you?

(Daria and Quinn shake their heads.)

JAKE: (reflective) Which is strange, because I would have thought...

(He catches himself again. This time Daria notices.)

JAKE: Maybe it's all in my head. When I talk to her, she answers the same way she always does. (face clouds.) But she isn't the same. I feel like she looks at me... like she doesn't know who I am.

QUINN: (quiet) She does that with us, too, Dad.

DARIA: It's her general mood. It's like she's depressed.

JAKE: (mopey) Depressed...

DARIA: Did you ever talk to her about it?

JAKE: I tried, but she -- (He stops, then he shakes his head vigorously.) No, no, I never tried. I should have tried. God dammit, why didn't I ever try?!

(Daria and Quinn look at each other, concerned about his reaction.)

QUINN: (helpful) You could still try.

JAKE: (shakes his head, in his own world) And I thought "Hey, well you cold-shoulder ME, I can do it right back! HA!" So I drifted away and did my own thing even more. And I started thinking about what life would be like without her. And then I --

(He stops abruptly, as if catching himself, then grips his head, anguished.)

JAKE: Aw girls, I shouldn't be telling you this!! You're too pure and innocent for these kinds of details.

QUINN: Hello, Dad? Celebrity magazines.

DARIA: Well you've told us. There's nothing you can do about it now.

JAKE: I just don't want you to feel the same resentment toward me that I've got toward my old man!

DARIA: Dad, we asked you to tell us. Actually, forced you to. We can't hate you for doing what we asked.

QUINN: (solemn) But you and Mom will make up eventually. Right?

(A long, excruciating beat.)

JAKE: I want to, honey. I miss her. (groans.) But for some reason, I keep feeling like even if we really want to make up, something will stop us.

QUINN: (frightened) But the point is you want to, right?

JAKE: (exploding) I'm such an IDIOT! How could I say those things to her?! I hurt her so much, and then I turn around and -- !

DARIA: Dad.

QUINN: Calm down!

JAKE: (hands over his eyes) GOD, I'm so weak! I'm such a jerk! A terrible mean-hearted jerk! It's my fault!!

QUINN: Da-aad!!

(Daria looks at Jake's face and sees a level of anguish almost out-of- proportion to the situation. She recalls the way he caught himself earlier, and frowns with concern.)

QUINN: (terse) Dad, look at me. You do want to fix this, don't you??

JAKE: (moaning) Sure I do! But --

QUINN: Then you can. Remember what happened the last time?

JAKE: The Guptys? (cringes.) Oh God no! The house is a mess.

QUINN: I mean when you got the courage to tell Mom how you felt, and she didn't bite your head off, and then you kissed and kissed and kissed until I was about ready to die. Remember?

JAKE: (thoughtful) Yeah...

DARIA: Quinn, I think a few things are different this time.

(Quinn spins to face her, eyes narrowing.)

QUINN: What's different?? Dad's in trouble and he needs help. If you won't help him I will.

(She turns to Jake, business-like.)

QUINN: Now Dad, it sounds like you were Mr. Insensitive and a trifle insecure, which always turns girls off. You could buy Mom gifts, which works for most women, but Mom has this weird thing against material displays of affection.

(Jake nods slowly, a sliver of hope in his expression.)

QUINN: So you should probably try to boost the sensitivity.

JAKE: Sensitivity. Check.

QUINN: If you want, I can show you how.

DARIA: That'll leave him in good hands.

QUINN: First let me get something to write with...

(Ignoring Daria, she dashes off.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (driving, early afternoon)

(Amy and Helen are on the return journey to Amy's apartment. Unlike last time, Helen keeps the silence at bay with lively, effusive chatter that makes her sound more like her "old" self than she has for quite some time.)

HELEN: (relieved) ... This has been such an incredible load off of my mind, you don't even know. All this time, I was so afraid the kiss meant something more than it did, when it didn't!

(Amy tries to smile at her sister's happy tone. Instead, her cheeks flush with embarrassment. Unused to being as vulnerable as she was in the shop, Amy now feels quite stupid for the things she said and the assumptions she made. She tries to recall what Helen said the night before that led her to think Helen wanted something else.)

HELEN: All that guilt, all that fear about what could happen. But no matter: it's all much simpler now. I really think things will be all right, I really do.

AMY: Good. That's good.

HELEN: (brow furrows) But you know, this isn't the first time I've gotten carried away by irrational fears. I used to have these fits of anxiety that made me completely shut down.

(Amy looks at her questioningly.)

HELEN: And it was always for the same reason: concern about a loved one, causing me to either withdraw from human contact or seek comfort in another human being. That's all the kiss was, same with my running to visit you.

AMY: That makes sense.

HELEN: I can't wait to go home, now.

(Helen finally comes down from her high enough to notice Amy's taciturnity. She feels such a sense of gratitude, even she can't find words to express it, and she wants Amy to feel as happy as she does.)

HELEN: (warm) Well what about you? Do you feel better after visiting one of your favorite haunts?

AMY: (unconvincing) Oh... certainly.

HELEN: Are you sure? You said some pretty intense things to me in the shop.

AMY: That was for your benefit.

HELEN: (more direct, gentle) Is there anything you'd like to talk about?

(Amy considers. But already, the moment between them feels so far in the past, she doesn't have the will to try and rekindle it. Instead, she struggles to bring her hopes back down to earth.)

AMY: (faint smile) And ruin your hour of triumph?

HELEN: Amy...

AMY: I'd rather listen to you. What's this about anxiety attacks?

(Helen glances at her, somewhat disappointed that she doesn't want to talk, but decides that the best thing is to lead by example.)

HELEN: (smiling) I'm surprised you don't know, given that you seemed so certain of how I felt when I was younger.

AMY: What?

HELEN: But then, most of these attacks seemed to happen when you were either very young or not yet born. (cocks a brow.) I wasn't always the questing, challenge-seeking person you claim I was.

AMY: So what were you?

(Pause)

HELEN: Scared. A lot. As a child, of course, you have much less control over your life. And I was a wayward, willful child, always getting yelled at.

AMY: (cocks a brow) By Mom?

HELEN: By everyone. Back when we were doing a lot of moving and things were so stressful. I'd get so worried people would think I was "bad" and stop loving me that I'd just go mute. It seemed easier, somehow.

AMY: (sympathetic) I'm sure Mom and Dad were a positive influence.

HELEN: (resigned) Well yes, Mom was Mom. Rita was her favorite and nothing would change that. But in some ways Dad was worse.

AMY: (knowing) Of course.

HELEN: Because I knew he loved me best. (impassioned, drawn into the memory.) When he got angry, I knew that meant I'd done something just awful, and I would get so scared it would happen again. I didn't want to lose his love -- I couldn't. Without him, I felt like I had no one.

AMY: (feeling the bond again) Helen...

HELEN: Ironically, my worst attack had nothing to do with what I'd done. (laughs a little.) How strange, I was just remembering this last night! It was when Dad started talking about wanting a boy.

AMY: He tortured you, too?

HELEN: (bitter) Oh yes. He talked about it so damned much, I prayed in my room every night that it wouldn't happen. (fiercely.) I wasn't about to be the odd man out.

AMY: Right.

HELEN: I started to lose weight and couldn't sleep. Mom and Dad wound up putting me in the hospital for a short time.

AMY: For how long??

HELEN: About a week. (assuring.) Anyway, it was before you were born, and obviously I've lived to tell about it.

AMY: What was the magic cure-all?

HELEN: I just came to my senses. And afterward, the thought never again crossed my mind.

AMY: That's a relief.

HELEN: Then of course I grew up, grew independent, and found ways to exercise control over my life. (reflective.) It's funny: this is the first time I've ever had this problem as an adult. Especially since I married.

(Amy doesn't hear her. She's musing about something.)

HELEN: (pensive) When I've ever felt so completely unsure of my course of action that I couldn't handle it.

(She turns to Amy, who responds after a beat.)

AMY: Helen? How soon did that attack happen before I was born?

HELEN: Oh, not too soon.

AMY: (cocks a brow) Within nine months?

(Something about Amy's tone makes Helen look at her strangely.)

HELEN: Within a month or two of your birth, actually. After you arrived a girl, our parents decided not to have any more children, and all of Dad's talk... sort of went away.

(Amy absorbs this in silence, the color draining from her cheeks. She focuses straight ahead on the road, but it's soon clear that her mind is not on driving, as she almost forgets to brake at a stop sign.)

HELEN: Amy, watch it! (amused.) True, it's not the most selfless wish a little girl could make, but it's not as if any harm was done. (long Pause) Amy?

(cut to: )

SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, a short time later.)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (VO) So good, you see?

(Cut to shot of her and Daria sitting in Daria's room.)

JANE: You took the problem by the horns and now your dad's downstairs trying to think up ways to win your mom back.

DARIA: Oh yes, his enthusiasm was palpable.

JANE: So why the gloomier than usual tone?

DARIA: Damned if I know. Dad really does seem to want Mom back.

(Cut to shot of Quinn and Jake still on the living room couches. Quinn has a notepad and is writing things down. Jake fidgets with anxiety.)

JAKE: So what's on the paper?? What?? Something that will help me? Fix me?? What?!

QUINN: Patience, Father. (finishes writing, rests her pen on the tablet.) Okay, based on what you've said about your fight with Mom, how you feel you haven't listened to her, I've made up a short pop quiz covering the basics.

JAKE: (pales) P-pop... quiz? But I didn't study!

QUINN: Dad, that's the point. We'll know the severeness of your problem based on how many questions you can answer, and go from there.

JAKE: And that helps?? Has it helped anyone else?

QUINN: Oh, lots of people! (thinks.) Well, no one I actually know, but lots of models in Waif swear that it's kept their relationships afloat for an extra six months.

JAKE: Six months?!

QUINN: Question One: What's Mom's middle name?

JAKE: Oh God, I know I know this one! It's... (frowns, wilts.) K-something, right?

(Quinn looks down at the pad, then at Jake, disappointed.)

QUINN: Dad, it's Anne. The only K in her name is in Barksdale.

JAKE: Gah, I knew I'd get that one wrong! Give me another one, please?? I'll do better!

QUINN: Okay, that was just for warm-up. Question Two: How old is Mom?

(Jake looks at Quinn with a "You've got to be kidding, right?")

JAKE: Oh come on sweetie, we were in college together. I'm not that dense! She's... (Pause) thirty-eight.

QUINN: (disappointed) Dad, that's not even...

(She then sees Jake wearing a suave grin and realizes that is the age Helen wants to project.)

QUINN: Very good, Dad!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane in Daria's room, as before.)

DARIA: Something just feels off. Quinn treats this like it's the second seminar of the Gupty Empowerment Program. Get Dad in touch with his touchy-feely side, and all will be peachy. I don't buy it.

JANE: So you're questioning Quinn's wisdom?

DARIA: Don't I always? (relenting.) Believe me, I want it to work. The "something" that is off is giving me a sick feeling inside.

JANE: Why assume Quinn doesn't know what she's doing? This relationship stuff is her thing.

DARIA: Dating is her thing. Relationships require a level of maturity that's beyond her.

JANE: (scorn creeping in) Don't be so picky. At least she's trying.

DARIA: Who says I'm being picky?

JANE: She was the one who first confronted your dad, you know.

DARIA: (cocking a brow) Yes, I know. I don't need you to be her skywriter.

JANE: Sorry, it's just that she said some pretty strong stuff when I talked to her earlier. Like that you make fun of her because you don't want her to be as smart as you.

(Daria rolls her eyes, unsurprised by this statement.)

DARIA: So we're discussing Quinn now? As opposed to the very pressing problem at hand?

JANE: (shrugs) It'll be good for a breather. Besides, I'm kind of curious to know your thoughts.

DARIA: My thoughts are that she's got it all wrong.

JANE: So you don't think she's cheating in math?

DARIA: I don't think she thinks she is.

JANE: But do you?

DARIA: (after a pause) No. I don't.

JANE: (surprised) Really?? Even with your suspicions of You Know Who?

(Daria's brow furrows, as though she's been giving this a lot of thought.)

DARIA: Those suspicions don't touch Quinn. Whatever she's earned... she's done it on her own.

JANE: You should tell her that. Talk about a blow torch to the chill between you two.

DARIA: (irritated) Given that I never called her a cheater in the first place, I shouldn't have to.

JANE: Does that mean also you wouldn't be upset if she got really high grades?

DARIA: I would lead the Brain Pride Parade.

JANE: And if everyone started saying "Hey Quinn, you're just like your sister. You'll have the same success, the same privileges. You might even go to the same college and--"

DARIA: That wouldn't happen.

JANE: Why not?

DARIA: (frowning a little while remaining even-toned) Because she hasn't been a brain for that long, and only in one area. People don't catch up that fast.

JANE: Yeah, but remember how quickly everyone embraced her for that "Academic Imprisonment" essay? And that wasn't even good.

DARIA: She couldn't have kept it up, even if I hadn't stopped it. That would require work and effort, which she may be learning, but still has a long way to go. She can't just take a short cut and expect everyone to love her for it.

(Right there, Daria realizes that she has at least partially confirmed Quinn's suspicion. She rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: I am very happy that my sister is taking her course work seriously. But if she expects me to embrace her as my equal, pretend away the years she spent wiggling out of the tough assignments and mocking me for being a brain, she's got another thing coming.

JANE: So you just want her to pay her dues. It's not about whether she's as smart as you.

DARIA: Who knows if she's as smart as me?? If I spent as much time on one subject as she does, maybe they would call me maestro. It's excelling in all areas that shows what you're made of.

JANE: That sounds sensible. (fingers her artist clothes.) Though what does that say about me?

DARIA: You're different. At least you spent years developing your art.

JANE: So?

DARIA: You didn't just plunge in to a subject because your teacher made you, win a few tournaments, and expect to silence your critics.

JANE: So only if Quinn slogs away at math for thirty years and winds up some savvy business tycoon, you'll begin to respect her? Or is even that not enough?

DARIA: Why are you taking her side?

JANE: (sighing) I'm not. But I do sort of feel for her. She really, really wants your approval, I can tell. And it's one thing to feel the sting of Daria Morgendorffer's scorn when you're an outsider, but to get it every day in your own home.

DARIA: (scowl) Could we talk about crumbling marriages again? It was more reassuring.

JANE: I have to confess, your scorn for her is pretty visible.

DARIA: Like her scorn for me.

JANE: Be honest: is it just because you feel she doesn't deserve it? Or is part of you reluctant to share your identity?

DARIA: Scorn. Quinn. For me. Have you been listening? Why should I coddle her when she's never put herself out in the same way??

JANE: (soft) Okay, I'll go with the first one.

DARIA: If you think that means Quinn and I can't work together on this parental crisis, you're wrong.

JANE: No, I don't think that. But it definitely won't make things easier.

DARIA: She'll get over it. She has before.

JANE: Yeah. (shrugs.) And then she'll get mad again.

DARIA: Which is her choice.

JANE: But always about the same subject. Looks to me like this smartness thing is a real sticking point between you two.

DARIA: And how is it any different from our other sharp objects?

JANE: (shrugs) Maybe because right now, in spite of the past resentments you've had, you don't need Quinn's approval. But she seems to need you to tell her she's smart. Which means until you can shave down the sticking pointy thing, you guys won't resolve your differences.

(Daria cocks an eyelid, considering that fact.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (neighborhood near Amy's residence)

AMY: Goodbye, Helen.

(Her voice is cold and tight. Helen looks at her imploringly.)

HELEN: Come on, Amy, not even a hug? We shouldn't end things this way -- again.

(They stand out on the curb, besides Helen's parked SUV and Amy's double- parked convertible. Their demeanors tell us that the rest of the trip home was silent and uncomfortable.)

AMY: I have to go inside.

HELEN: I don't get you. Things were going so well, and I don't want us to part in anger. Please tell me what happened.

(Amy considers, but even she can't find a logical explanation -- whether this rage that came on so suddenly has a connection to her present issues, or whether it's free-floating childhood resentment best left to wither away on its own. Finally Amy leans forward to give her sister a hug that exudes more chill than warmth.)

AMY: Just go home, Helen.

HELEN: (disappointed) Fine. I can't understand if you won't let me. (She whips out her purse and removes a few large bills, which she then stuffs into Amy's hand.) Here, this should cover my expenses.

(She fumbles around in search of her car keys, while Amy looks at the money expressionlessly.)

HELEN: (muttering) Just like your clinic, if you don't tell me I can't --

AMY: (overhearing) What??

HELEN: (facing her) Your clinic. I would have let you go yesterday if I had known about it.

(Amy looks dumbfounded, before putting two and two together.)

AMY: But instead Joel told you.

HELEN: I'm glad someone did. Though he didn't know you hadn't said anything. When we were chatting late last night --

AMY: (faint disgust) About me, behind my back? What a surprise.

HELEN: (rising anger) How else can I learn anything about you?! Sure, I open up about my deepest, darkest thoughts, but you only tell me what you think I should know, when you think I should know it. I'm sick of this double standard.

(She finds the key and points it toward the lock, but Amy restrains her, a surge of righteous anger loosening her tongue.)

AMY: You call that whining you've been doing "opening up"?? You don't have a clue what that means.

HELEN: (hard) Oh? So enlighten me.

AMY: It means being honest about what you want. But you, dear Helen, never think of what you really want -- only how you're affected by other people. How it's for Jake's own good, or that it could harm the girls, or it's because of something I did to you.

HELEN: Yes, how dare I think of others besides myself!

AMY: Which means, when you do something like run to me in blind panic at midnight, you don't have any idea why you did.

HELEN: So what's your take??

AMY: That Helen realized she's sick of her life and wants to change it, but is scared of the consequences.

HELEN: That's what you think?

AMY: It's what I thought. (challenging.) Is it really so hard to admit??

(For a moment, Helen is thrown, as she considers possibilities she had wanted to keep at bay. Then her expression hardens.)

HELEN: Not if that's what I actually felt. Why did you ever believe that??

AMY: Just... (righteous anger quickly dissolves.) Never mind.

(Helen looks at Amy dumbfoundedly for a moment, before pieces of a puzzle start sliding into place.)

HELEN: It's what you wanted me to feel... isn't it? (off Amy's flushed, embarrassed reaction.) Yes, it makes sense now. The way you kept insisting that I'm in search of something, how you kept bringing up Greg and the kiss, and why you took me to... "lose and find" myself...

(Dazedly, Helen stares at Amy.)

HELEN: You wanted me to leave my husband.

AMY: I just wanted you to --

HELEN: You took me to that place to convince me to leave. (Before Amy can speak:) Why would you do something like that? (enraged.) Have you any idea what you were doing?!

AMY: Just let me explain, Helen.

HELEN: (wounded) Amy, I trusted you! I thought we were there to share something. You've never deliberately misled me before.

AMY: I wasn't trying to hurt you.

HELEN: Then what were you trying to do?!

AMY: (defensive) Until last night, I just wanted you to feel good enough to go home. Then you talked about how bored you were, and how your sculpting teacher helped you reach some spiritual epiphany, and God help me, I thought maybe returning to the status quo wasn't best for you, after all.

HELEN: (sarcastic) You thought.

AMY: (eyes narrow) Only that it was what you were saying. Can you honestly tell me, Helen, that a part of you doesn't want a fresh start? That you felt nothing when you kissed that man??

(Her lawyer face on, Helen looks Amy in the eye.)

HELEN: I felt nothing.

(Amy gets a frowning, angry expression.)

AMY: You're lying.

HELEN: Dammit Amy, why do you keep acting like you have some personal stake in this?!

AMY: Because when people gate-crash my weekend, I like them to leave with smiles on their faces and a song in their hearts.

(Helen's angry, wounded look returns, and she sticks her key in the lock.)

AMY: (blurts out) Because I used to worship you, you know. It's painful to see what you've become.

(This dampens Helen's rage for the moment. Slowly, she removes the key.)

HELEN: You worshipped me?

AMY: Are you surprised? Given what I said at the shop?

HELEN: No. (shakes her head.) I mean yes. I had no idea.

AMY: It wasn't obvious: you had to comb through layers of snark to find my true feelings. (softly bemused.) The fact that you even deigned to love shy little me thrilled me beyond reason.

(Helen looks at her, not knowing what to say. Then her face gets a look of recognition.)

HELEN: (soft, reflective) I remember... (pointed look.) So what made you stop?

AMY: Somewhere along the line you dropped the ball.

HELEN: (sarcastic) What, I showed I was a human being?

AMY: I mean your vision narrowed. (closes her eyes.) You were so dynamic and excited about everything. You had so much intelligence and hope and you just... (scowls, searches for words, settles for) dropped the damn ball.

HELEN: I settled down.

AMY: It was before you married.

HELEN: Why didn't you ever say anything?? (eyes narrow.) Why tell me now? Wouldn't it have been more helpful, oh, then?

AMY: I didn't think I could do anything. I didn't think it was my place.

HELEN: You've had plenty of chances over the years.

AMY: (dark expression) Before long, it was too late. We'd grown too far apart.

(Helen is about to protest, but she realizes the truth of that statement.)

AMY: It wasn't until we started getting together this past year that I even felt some of the old feelings.

HELEN: (filling in the blanks) Then you saw old photos at Mother's house that really reminded you.

(Amy nods, looking stunned that Helen knew.)

AMY: I just thought they'd be nice to have around. To remember. Even the ones where I was too young to remember, but that you had taken. It wasn't until you talked about spirituality last night, that I saw a glimmer of the "old" you.

HELEN: (softly) So a part of you has been waiting for me to have a personal crisis?

AMY: Not a crisis -- just for you to fulfill your potential. Open up, get excited, shine that big ol' beam of light on the rest of us poor miserable saps. Make me feel... (doesn't finish.)

(Helen is tired and at a momentary loss for words. What Amy said in the shop connects perfectly with what she is saying now. Then something else occurs to Helen.)

HELEN: You've been hoping for more than just a bonding moment, haven't you?

(Pause. Then Amy nods, resigned.)

AMY: Like you, I've been in a rut. I don't know whether it's something new, or just a deepening of the rut I've always been in.

(Helen raises a brow, faint concern intermixing with her lingering anger.)

AMY: Joel suggested I go to some damn aptitude clinic, like that would solve everything.

HELEN: I'm sure he just wanted to help.

AMY: I'm sure he did, too. It's just... (shakes her head.) When I first heard about your problems, it felt good to get some perspective. And then, when you brought up spirituality...

(Beat)

HELEN: (finishing) You wanted to find it, too.

(Meanwhile, cut to shot of Joel, back up in the apartment. He's just emerged from the bedroom, his hair rumpled as though he's been tossing and turning some more in bed. His dazed expression and his bloodshot eyes tell us he has not slept. In one hand he holds the cordless phone. He looks at it as though he forgot it was there, and his expression darkens. He moves to go back into the room and put it on the cradle, when he spies the guest room ajar.)

(Cut to shot of Joel peaking in the guest room. From his perspective, it is a godawful mess, except for the bed, which Helen made. Every corner is stuffed with odds and ends that have not been put up or thrown out. Joel's eyes narrow, and he moves with determined strides as though bent on making it his Sunday project to clean everything up. Putting the phone under one arm, he grabs an old lamp, a bar bell, an old radio, and the handcuffs, which he stares at for a beat. He tries to push the exercise bike out of the way of more junk, when he loses his grip and everything comes crashing down. Angry, Joel bangs his fist against the wall.)

(Resume shot of Amy and Helen. Helen is now leaning against the side of her SUV, feeling emotionally burnt-out.)

AMY: (quiet) I'm not a religious person... but I do know that there's something inside me that I'm missing. (tilts her face away as it briefly shows the anguish that she's feeling.) I'm sorry if I came on a little strong earlier.

HELEN: I'm not sure I'd know what to tell you anyway.

AMY: I was more hoping you would show me.

HELEN: At the very worst, it seems you might need to see a doctor.

AMY: A doctor?? (scowling.) I'm not sick and I am not depressed.

HELEN: I'm not saying you are, but talking to someone always --

AMY: (curt) Forget it, Helen.

HELEN: (surprised) Amy.

AMY: I don't need any outside treatment!

HELEN: (flaring up) Oh, but you're fine with living vicariously through your sister, are you?!

AMY: (startled) That's not what I've been doing.

HELEN: What else, then?? Pushing me in certain directions, hoping to learn from the results. All because you think that like some science class nerd, I've got all the answers, and you can just copy. Because you're too stubborn or too scared to find your own inspiration.

(Amy's cheeks redden at Helen's words.)

HELEN: That's great for you -- but what about my family??

AMY: Your family?

HELEN: Did you even think about how this could hurt Daria and Quinn? Your nieces who love and admire you??

AMY: (flustered) I would never hurt them. I wasn't even thinking about them when I --

HELEN: Suggested I run off with my sculpting instructor?!

AMY: I never suggested that. You did.

HELEN: No I didn't!

AMY: (eyes flashing) I said to consider what that kiss really meant to you, and to not turn your back on any spiritual growth. You said I wanted you to run off. You suggested it.

HELEN: But I know you --

AMY: Don't you get it now, Helen, why you need to know what you really want?? If this is some repressed desire to be with Greg talking, you'd better admit it soon so you can spare your family a lot of pain. Because no matter what --

HELEN: Go to hell.

(Helen regrets these words as soon as she says them, but is too angry to take them back. She unlocks her car door and opens it. For Amy, the words cause something inside her to snap. Her face turns a vivid shade of red, as the murky rage she felt earlier takes on startling clarity.)

AMY: Fine, I will. And you can just pretend that everything will go back to normal. Bend your home life to your will, paying lip service to your loved ones' needs while not caring how you harm them, which you're so good at.

HELEN: Don't you dare say another word about them. Whether or not you told me to be with Greg, what you suggested was more than enough to threaten my home life.

AMY: (dark) I think you're enough to threaten your home life.

(Helen opens her mouth to speak, but Amy cuts her off.)

AMY: I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. That I thought your good qualities were so much stronger than your bad ones. Before you even mentioned Dad, I should have seen --

HELEN: What does he have to do with this?! (recalls the conversation in the car.) Oh if you mean that stupid bit about me wishing you'd be a girl --

AMY: I suffered for years. You don't even know! To Dad, I was just this mistake. I felt so worthless.

HELEN: (unmoved) Oh you poor baby, well guess what?! It wasn't my fault you were born a girl.

AMY: But you had to have known what would happen. The huge letdown, the bitterness he felt... you had to have known, at least a little.

HELEN: (flash of guilt) I was a child. (more conviction.) And one little wish still doesn't compare with what you suggest--

AMY: All you cared about was that it wasn't you. (disbelief.) I loved you so much, and that whole time... (Her words die out and she squeezes her eyes shut.)

HELEN: (more sober) I never wanted you to suffer.

AMY: To this day, Helen, it's stayed with me. Everything I've been feeling lately... (anguished.) and you were happy.

HELEN: Amy, I loved you! For God's sake, you built me up so much -- of course I was bound to fail you somehow. (A look of regret crosses her face.) But your problems are not my fault and don't you dare say they are!

AMY: Oh no, won't try to out-do you in that department. (eyes narrow.) You were a selfish kid, and you are a sad adult.

HELEN: And what about you? Beauty, brains, Princeton education, loving boyfriend, and you can't even lift yourself out of a simple malaise??

AMY: (on her own track) Even the purpose of this visit wasn't to be with me. It was selfish and convenient -- like all your other attempts to communicate this past year.

HELEN: As if you've tried any harder!

AMY: You would do anything to not look inside yourself and see that there's something ugly.

HELEN: And you, Amy Barksdale, are so convinced you're the martyr -- well I don't buy it! Martyrs are victims, and whether you like it or not, you have some control over your life.

(Having said her piece, Amy stands there red-cheeked and a little nauseous from the gush of emotion.)

HELEN: Other people have suffered besides you. Your boyfriend had a rough childhood, but he made something of himself!

(Hearing this, Amy's eyes narrow.)

HELEN: But no, all your gifts and you choose to do nothing. Except build vain little fantasies about being rescued. You're the one who's dropped the ball, Amy!

(Amy now turns her face to the side, absorbing Helen's words.)

HELEN: And just when I feel ashamed of calling you a bad role model for my girls, it's times like this I know exactly why I did!

AMY: ENOUGH!

(Her last word rises up in a very un-Amy like wail, causing Helen to draw back and look at her with a shocked gaze, realizing that she's gone one step too far. Anxiety and remorse wash over her. Amy's face is now completely red and she is shaking imperceptibly. Helen looks at her, sees the pain she's caused, and knows that this could damage their relationship for good. Yet she feels as though she doesn't know how to take back the things she said, or if she even wants to. After a long beat, Helen turns and climbs up into the driver's seat of her car. Amy stands there, seemingly lost in her thoughts. Before Helen shuts the door:)

AMY: (softly) If you go home, you'll just wreck everything. You're a selfish person at heart, Helen. You'll twist everything so that it goes your way, whether you mean to or not.

(Helen frowns darkly, then looks at her sister for one last beat before shutting the car door.)

END OF ACT TWO

[Shot of Jane talking to Quinn, followed by shot of Helen and Amy driving along the coast, followed by shot of Daria, Quinn, and Jake in the living room, followed by shot of Joel losing his balance and dropping junk in the guest room.]

You are now entering commercial HELL. Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

Some men aren't made for 49 cent Tuesdays. Try the six dollar burger?? Rarely have I seen such a blatant attempt to screw people out of money as this ad from Carl's Jr. or Jack in the Box (can't remember which, and really, does it matter?). Sad part is, it will probably work. But goodness: no women aren't made for 49 cent Tuesdays? Equal opportunity screwing, Carl's in the Box!

The ALF phone commercials. ALF... NOOOOO!! Childhood... nightmares... returning! 

And finally, in honor of "Daria's" new home, Noggin: the "Daria" clips they use to advertise the show's return to T.V. in July. Overall, it's great to see Our Heroine again, and her quips are funny. In one she says: "Really, does the world need another zany dad on television?" Cue a Jake ranting clip from "The Lawndale File." Daria: "Apparently so." She also has quips for Helen, Quinn, and Kevin and Brittany. There's also a separate clip from "See Jane Run," with Jane, Daria, and Ms. Morris. My problem is that these promos are shown so frequently (YEAH!), and they're always the same. It would help if they mixed it up with different clips from the show, so people wouldn't get tired of them. 

And Noggin: "Daria" fans are grateful that you gave our favorite show a second lease on life. But that doesn't mean we'll stand by clapping if you butcher parts of the episodes. In other words: if you bleep out the word "ass," I'm gonna get medieval on YOUR ass!!!

You are now leaving commercial HELL. Aren't you happy you survived?

ACT THREE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer residence, mid-afternoon)

(Shot of the outside.)

DARIA: (OS) All right, perhaps I have been too negative.

(Cut to shot of her and Jane in her room, where they have been for the past hour, since Daria and Quinn spoke to Jake.)

JANE: Really? I was blinded by the perkiness.

DARIA: So it's not such a bad idea to help Dad regain his confidence. He obviously needs it, as will Mom if she hasn't gotten her head together after her trip.

JANE: Good point. So what do you suggest?

DARIA: To avoid teaching him to be a Casanova, for one. By the time Mom returns, he'll have forgotten half of what he's learned, and the rest will have been bungled in the translation.

JANE: No doubt making things worse than before.

DARIA: You'd have a new roommate on your hands.

(She stands up, walks over to her computer desk.)

DARIA: I won't try for a miracle, but with a little exploring, I may find an approach that could be halfway useful, maybe even remotely effective.

JANE: (encouraging) Great! Anything that keeps your sinuses in your own room is a plus in my book.

(Daria shoots her a death glare. Jane smirks.)

(Cut to shot of Jake and Quinn in the living room. Quinn sits on the couch, by now looking worn out. The time spent with Jake has sapped her patience, but something else is causing her to frown with concern.)

QUINN: Hey, Dad? (tries to muster enthusiasm.) Do you want to give Mom a call? You know, to find out when she'll be back.

JAKE: Oh no, that's okay. But you can if you want.

QUINN: But it'd be a good way for you to practice the skills you've learned, don't you think?

(Jake pales a little, then tries to chuckle it off.)

JAKE: Oh, well... I don't want to show off right away.

QUINN: Come on, don't be scared.

JAKE: I'm not, honey. But just the same, I'll wait 'til she gets home.

QUINN: But Dad, I really think --

JAKE: DAMMIT Quinn, I don't want to talk to your mother, all right?!!

(Quinn goes wide-eyed at his tone. Jake immediately looks sorry.)

QUINN: But I thought...

JAKE: I mean not right this moment. (tries to chuckle.) I mean there are some things that I still need to go over, that you'll help me with, right sweetie? Like learning to keep my head up during the whole conversation and not fall asleep.

(Quinn nods slowly. Jake starts going through the scattered notes he's taken. When he's immersed in them enough that he's not paying attention, Quinn quietly stands up and leaves the room.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 2 (Amy's residence, later afternoon)

(It's been a couple of hours since Helen left, and Amy and Joel are on the living room couch. Sitting this time, curled up together in front of the tube. You get the feeling that if Helen hadn't come, this is what they would have done most of the weekend. Amy tries her best to push the fight with Helen out of her mind, with little success. The last few exchanges keep replaying themselves. She takes comfort in Joel's nearness, his arm around her. Yet Joel, himself, seems distant. His eyes are still bloodshot and tired, and his face is grim, all of which Amy does not fail to notice.)

AMY: (warm) Hey, stranger. (She reaches up and runs her hand along the back of his head.) What were you doing when you didn't take a nap like you should have?

JOEL: (shrugs vaguely) Didn't pay bills. Didn't fix the dish washer. Didn't shop for food.

AMY: At least you were productive. (looks at him critically.) But you look exhausted. You're going to bed early tonight.

JOEL: (affection seeping into tone) Yes ma'am.

(As Amy settles against him once again, he glances at her, noting the her flushed cheeks and a faint puffiness around her eyes.)

JOEL: And how did things go with Big Sis?

AMY: (pained expression) I can't talk about it.

(Joel opts not to press; clearly it didn't go well. As moments pass, and Amy gazes blankly at the screen, he changes his mind.)

JOEL: I don't know. Maybe we should talk about it.

(Amy looks at him as though he's suggested she be flogged.)

AMY: When we're watching this great show? I really like... whatever the hell they're trying to do. (squints at the screen.) Those are either aliens or door-to-door salesmen, right?

JOEL: I think we have to talk about it.

AMY: Oh why fool myself: this is dreck. Let's never watch another show with my name in the title again.

JOEL: Come on, Amy.

AMY: Like that one.

(Joel looks at her.)

AMY: (hard tone) Why should we talk about it, Joel?

JOEL: Because it has to do with why I couldn't sleep earlier. (Amy looks at him expectantly.) The phone woke me up. It was your niece.

AMY: Daria?

JOEL: The one with the high-pitched voice.

AMY: Quinn. (Bt) What did she want?

JOEL: Just to know what her mom was doing. Said things were pretty frantic at home.

(Amy gets a look of guilt and concern.)

JOEL: She kept freaking out about how she didn't want her parents to divorce.

AMY: She can be melodramatic.

JOEL: Does she have a reason to worry?

AMY: (subdued) Damned if I know. (realizing what Joel alludes to.) If she does, it's not because of anything I did.

JOEL: So your plan to get Helen to "do what she really wants" didn't pan out, huh?

(Amy scowls, feeling that Joel is throwing it in her face.)

AMY: No it didn't. Try not to sound so upset.

JOEL: (scowl) Try giving me some credit. I'm not asking if you wanted to break up the marriage. I... I'm just feeling on edge. A kid waxing anxious into the phone for twenty minutes does that to you.

AMY: (sincere) Sorry.

JOEL: Especially if you can remember some of what she felt.

AMY: Doubly sorry. (reaches over, squeezes his hand.)

JOEL: (quiet) But knowing Helen and her husband: you think they should break up?

(Amy looks at him, searching for any underlying motives. She finally looks down and sighs.)

AMY: I don't know. Until a few hours ago, I did think she was too good for Jake. Now I'd say she's lucky to have anyone who walks upright.

JOEL: (cheeks flushing) Well that's encouraging. I guess.

AMY: What I think means little at this point, anyway, since she's on her way home to patch things up.

JOEL: So everything's fine, then.

AMY: (quiet) Everything's fine.

(They refocus their attention on the program, but Amy can feel Joel's distance.)

AMY: Everything isn't fine. You've been acting strangely toward me since this morning.

JOEL: What do you mean?

AMY: You know what I mean. Now if you could tell me, I would much appreciate it.

(Joel considers for a moment or two.)

JOEL: Fine. Okay. Fine.

AMY: Dandy.

(He turns to face Amy with grim resolve.)

JOEL: I don't think you set out to bust up your sister's marriage. But I do think that when you talked about "Helen," you meant yourself. You're the one who "wants" something. (pained.) Or possibly someone.

(Amy stares at him for a moment before circling her arms around his neck.)

AMY: The only "someone" I want is you.

JOEL: (lays her arms down) Then why is the guest room still stuffed with loose crap? Why does the living room look like it belongs to someone with a split personality disorder?? I didn't move in yesterday.

AMY: So furniture hasn't been a top priority. (pointed.) For either of us. Pardon me if I'm still learning to share my space.

JOEL: But new furniture means a next step, and so far I'm the only one who's brought it up. I know you, Amy: even your magazines have to match the color scheme. This isn't natural for you.

AMY: (frowning) If you're so concerned, let's hop in the car, or whatever, and do some bargain-hunting. We have the rest of today and tomorrow --

JOEL: (blurts out) I just want to know if that means you plan to turn me and my furniture out the door.

AMY: What??

JOEL: Have you ever thought of it?

AMY: (now angry) Oh fuck you.

JOEL: Look, I had to say it, I'm sorry.

AMY: If you have so little faith in me...

JOEL: (undeterred) When you broke it off the first time, you were in this discontented mood. Now for the past several months, you've been a similar mood --

AMY: So naturally that spells doom. (glares.) I'm sorry, honey: I'll try not to have "moods" anymore.

JOEL: Can you blame me for thinking the worst?? After what happened before, and the way you act like you don't want my help. Then you kept Helen from going home to her husband --

AMY: (angry) And it was really all about you. Good work, Sherlock, you've found all my hidden clues, even a few that don't exist.

JOEL: (weary) A part of me just has trouble believing that you weren't happier single. And that you'll confess this "fact" to me right before we become too settled.

(Amy looks away and stares at the T.V. screen, not seeing it.)

AMY: Just when this day couldn't get any worse.

JOEL: I need to know where you stand, that's all.

AMY: Where I "stand," Joel Silverman... (turns to face him.) is that since you moved in, I haven't had a single thought about breaking up with you -- until now. I'm just a little hurt you couldn't find a way to broach the subject without blindsiding me with a worst case scenario.

(After hearing Amy's vow of commitment, Joel looks a little mollified.)

JOEL: I don't see how I could have. We're not talking about celebrating an anniversary. You don't... we don't... talk about the sore subjects. When they come up, you either trivialize them with some sarcastic quip, or blow them off completely.

AMY: Which again must mean I don't take our relationship seriously. (Bt) But what about you?

JOEL: Me?

AMY: I don't see you going out of your way. Could it be that this litany of complaints is just a cover for your own escape??

JOEL: (looks her in the eye) No it is not.

AMY: (angry, injured) Oh come on, now: the thought must have crossed your mind. How good it would feel to have a spunky, dynamic girlfriend, instead of a closed in, moody one who makes you walk on eggshells. Someone perfect for Mr. Perfect.

JOEL: Excuse me?

AMY: Mr. Can-Do, Fix-It, Know-All who pulled himself up by the bootstraps he probably made himself. Full scholarship to M.I.T. Award-winning musician. Guide dog for the computer blind. Even Helen could see the gap between us; don't tell me you can't.

JOEL: I never once said you had to please me with a bunch of accomplishments.

AMY: That hasn't stopped me from feeling like I need to. I try to tell myself to live with it, that people all have their strengths and weaknesses, but sometimes I can't. I just can't.

(Joel looks at her with an expression of astonishment and curiosity. Amy looks back at him, the adrenaline rushing through her making her feel tired and sick. She presses her hands to her forehead as though suffering from a migraine.)

AMY: Ugh, I can't do this anymore. I've had too much "Days of Our Lives" for one day. (almost pleading.) If you still want to fight, please just wait until I've taken a bath, okay?

(She stands up. Joel tries to touch her arm.)

JOEL: Amy...

AMY: Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get caught in an undertow and be sucked down the drain.

(cut to: )

SCENE 3 (interstate freeway, that same time)

(Shot of Helen's SUV, speeding along in the fast lane, tailgating and changing lanes to pass the slower cars.)

ELVIS: (VO) Every sweet thing that mattered  
Has been broken in two  
All my dreams have been shattered  
How's the world treating you? 

(Cut to shot of the inside. Elvis continues to croon from the CD player as Helen clutches the steering wheel, gazing straight ahead. Amy's words have left an impact on her, for she looks as though she's using all of her energy to keep from crying. She finally turns off the CD player and drives in silence, and when the SUV slows at a weekend traffic jam, she breaks down a little, letting the tears flow down her face unabated. She sinks lower in her seat, allows her arms to slacken. The expression on her face is conflicted. Should she believe Amy, or assume that it was all said out of spite?)

(Helen finally reaches for her cell, lying on the passenger seat. She groans when she sees that it has been accidentally shut off.)

HELEN: (muttering) Great, just great. Don't even let them get in touch with you.

(Once turned it on, the phone reveals a message, which Helen eagerly listens to. It could be one of the girls, or Jake. Or Amy. But instead --)

GREG: (VO) Well hi there, Helen, it's Greg Valmont calling. I see according to my call log that you phoned on Friday. Sorry I haven't had a chance to get back to you, I was helping out with a show yesterday.

(Helen gets an expression of shock. It's as though repeated invocations of his name have conjured up the man out of thin air. She then recalls her attempt to phone Greg, blanching as she remembers that he answered and she hung up on him. What he must think of her.)

GREG: (slightly awkward) Anyway, I would like to talk to you again. In fact I'd like you to come over. I have your sculptures at my house -- you left the class and never reclaimed them, and I didn't want them to be tossed out. So when you get the chance, give me a call back, and we can arrange...

(To this, and what is left of the message, Helen listens soberly.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 4 (Morgendorffer residence, that same time)

(Close-up shot of Daria sitting at her computer, with Jane leaning over her. They've been net-surfing this entire time, and are gazing at the screen, which we cannot see, with repulsed expressions.)

JANE: Yeesh!

DARIA: Ugh!

JANE: Retch.

DARIA: Snorf. (Jane looks at her funny.) Just felt like saying that.

JANE: My God, how many sexual testimonials are there?

DARIA: I think my blindness is complete now.

JANE: Is there a local dry cleaner that does eyeballs?

(Daria kills the browser window and looks at a stack of papers that have already been printed.)

DARIA: Okay, that one sucked, but at least the other sites we went to had useful info. (flips through.) Boosting self-esteem... listening when your inner child tells you to quit whining and be an adult...

JANE: Therapy groups that aren't the offshoots of some yuppy cult...

DARIA: Maybe if I broach one or two of these on my dad, he'll --

QUINN: (OS) Forget it. It won't work.

(Daria and Jane turn, startled, to find Quinn in the doorway. She's shrunk back a little, partially out of view, as if reluctant to expose herself to any derisive comments.)

DARIA: Why not?

QUINN: (flat) Because Dad's hiding something.

(Daria looks at her for a beat. She lays the papers aside.)

DARIA: (low voice) You can tell, too?

(Quinn edges her way into the room, shutting the door part way.)

QUINN: (nods) My background has made me sensitive to little shifts in body movement. One shoulder higher than the other: "Oh God, I hope she never finds out I forgot our two-week anniversary!" A raised eyebrow: "Will I get to second base, or will I have to crawl home from our date?"

DARIA: A twitching nose: "Can someone remove this wayward mosquito?"

QUINN: But in Dad's case (face falls.) he keeps stumbling over words and laughing weird. And he acts like he doesn't want to see Mom.

(Daria's face is weary, and she and Quinn share a look. They know that things are sliding toward worse, not better. And though they still nurse resentments toward one another, they realize it's time for an unspoken truce so they can focus on the bigger problem. Daria's face takes on a steely expression.)

DARIA: All right: Daria Morgendorffer has played hide and no seek long enough.

QUINN: Huh?

DARIA: This whole weekend I've avoided confronting Dad unless absolutely pushed into it. No more. (She stands up.) I want to settle this thing, even if that means a result we didn't want.

QUINN: (a little unnerved) You're going downstairs? Now?

DARIA: You coming with me, or are you staying here?

QUINN: (quiet) I can't go back down there.

DARIA: But you were just there.

QUINN: But that was when I didn't know. Now that I think I do know, I don't... want to know.

DARIA: (sympathetic deadpan) That's your choice. You can stay with Jane, then.

JANE: Actually Jane is gonna take this opportunity to bail.

DARIA: (now a bit unnerved herself) You're leaving now??

JANE: It looks like your parents' crisis has taken a turn toward the way too personal, and should really be kept within your family.

DARIA: But you know almost as many personal secrets as me and Quinn.

JANE: Well there comes a time when you've got to say enough is too much. (Bt, concerned.) Unless, y'know, you still feel like you need me to stay.

(Daria thinks for a few beats, before shaking her head.)

DARIA: (sincere) No, I think we'll be fine on our own. You've been a big help, though.

QUINN: Yeah.

JANE: (sympathetic) Call me if you need to spill your guts. Trust me, I'm weak. I really do want to know how it turns out.

(She opens the door and is part way through when she turns around.)

JANE: And remember, Luke: use the force.

DARIA: You just had to wreck it with a cliche, didn't you?

(Jane waves at them. Then Daria looks at Quinn and heads toward the door as well. After a beat, Quinn follows.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 5 (kitchen, minutes later)

(Jake is hunting through the fridge, looking for dinner-making ingredients. On the table are several scattered notepads and crumpled papers. Suddenly, Daria steps on screen in the foreground, her back to us.)

JAKE: Well hi, kiddo, was that your friend who just...?

(His words die when he sees her face.)

DARIA: Dad, tell us the truth.

JAKE: What do you mean?

DARIA: The truth. You've been hiding something, and we want to know what.

JAKE: (forced laughter) Ah, kiddo, I don't --

DARIA: Want to hurt us? Been there, heard that.

JAKE: (ashen face) Daria...

DARIA: (hard look) Besides: it's too late.

(Jake closes the refrigerator slowly and looks at Daria standing a few feet away. Then at Quinn, who is taking a seat at the kitchen table, looking apologetic for "jumping on him" so soon after she was trying to help. His face takes on a slightly sick expression.)

JAKE: Girls, I-I can't. I can't tell you.

DARIA: Why not?! (She says it with far more anger than intended, letting her disgust for the past two days completely show.) It's none of our business?? It's our damn house, Dad. It's you and Mom, our parents, our family, our future, and we have every right to know what's happening. If you really loved us, you would tell us.

JAKE: (hurt) You... but girls, I do love you!

DARIA: Then tell us what's going on.

JAKE: (pained whimper) But if I tell you... that means it's true.

DARIA & QUINN: What is?

(Pause)

JAKE: (small voice) That I've met someone.

(Daria and Quinn don't react, but both grow noticeably paler. A heavy silence follows, until Daria manages to speak in a voice that sounds strangely high.)

DARIA: Who?

JAKE: A student in my class. (strained chuckle.) See girls? They're not all men.

(This produces no reaction from his daughters. The blood rushes to Daria's head, and she shakes it as though trying to rouse herself from a trance.)

DARIA: But how? We never saw anything...

JAKE: (babbles nervously) That's because it's not a big deal. It's not, really! I mean sure, the way I first said it made it sound like a big deal, but you just caught me off guard --

DARIA: Does Mom know?

JAKE: Um, no. She doesn't.

DARIA: (closes her eyes) Of course she doesn't.

JAKE: Kiddo, it's completely innocent! She's just a friend -- a student friend, more of a student than a friend! I've just met her a few times after class, for coffee or a beer. Innocent!

DARIA: And you were going to tell Mom any day now.

JAKE: Of course! Um...

DARIA: (numbly) Or bring her over so we could meet her, or talk to her on the phone, or mention her existence --

JAKE: (anger, panic) Dammit Daria, why are you making it sound worse than it is?!

DARIA: (current of fear) Because just maybe it is worse?

JAKE: How would you know! You're just a kid! You wouldn't understand these things!

DARIA: (eyes narrow) Not understand that our father's been lying?? Not understand that the more we talk about it, the more you get defensive?? God, stop insulting us!

JAKE: I'm not --

DARIA: It's bad enough you're putting us through this. At least respect that we've got functioning brains! If not yourself.

(Jake is about to retort, when he sees Quinn, who has been quiet, get a look of devastation and turn to face the other way. He looks back and forth between his daughters and, with a pang, realizes he can't fool them, or himself, any longer.)

JAKE: All right.

DARIA: All right what??

JAKE: (more subdued) All right. If it means so much to you, I'll stop seeing this woman. I was going to, anyway.

DARIA: Then why haven't you done it already??

JAKE: (miserable) It would have meant giving up teaching. Tutoring Quinn was so much fun, I was just glad to get another chance.

DARIA: And you couldn't have taught at one of countless other locations. Unless there are female students there, too --

JAKE: (rushed, nervous) Please, kiddo, listen! I didn't know. What I told you last night was true. My students liked me, I liked them. It was so nice not to be made fun of, I didn't realize what was happening. Until it was too late.

(Jake slumps against the counter. Daria remains rigid in the middle of the room, scared of every question she asks, but needing to probe further Quinn gazes at the sliding glass door, dejected.)

JAKE: Please, girls, I didn't mean for this to happen. I love your mother! I love our family, and all I've wanted is for things to be back to normal.

DARIA: (low voice) Are you going to tell Mom?

JAKE: (pales) I'm just afraid she'll get too upset.

DARIA: Were you ever going to tell her?

JAKE: (soft) I-I wanted to figure out how to talk to her first.

(He goes over to where Quinn is sitting, tries to get her to look at him.)

JAKE: You see, sweetie, I really did need all that help you gave me. (Pause) Sweetie...?

(He touches her shoulder, and Quinn spins around to look at him, eyes blazing. She jerks her shoulder away, takes one of the notebooks on the table and rips out the pages, which she then tears to shreds. She stands up and flings the shreds at Jake, then grabs the notebooks and hurls them at him. Jake manages to block one before it can hit his face. Quinn then shoves him in the chest on her way out of the room, and is gone in a whirlwind of tears and rage. The whole thing lasts less than thirty seconds, but has a definite impact on Jake. He slumps into a chair and stares forlornly at the table top.)

DARIA: (flat) Damn. Now it'll just be copying when I do it.

(She's about to follow Quinn out of the room, when Jake puts up a hand to stop.)

JAKE: Daria... please. Don't go.

DARIA: (angry) If you expect me to forgive you --

JAKE: No. At least...

DARIA: What hurts most is that because of her, you shielded a whole part of your life from us. She's the reason you didn't tell us where you went at night, isn't she? Not because you were scared we'd catch you teaching.

JAKE: (low voice) It started being about teaching...

DARIA: (angrier) She gets to see the side of you that's smart and interesting and a good person. We get the clueless jerk who's never around. And to think we were proud of you last night...

(This last sentence is the most bitter pill for Jake to swallow.)

JAKE: Daria... I know I've messed up. Please... just let me know how I can make it up to you.

(Daria looks at him, not wanting to spend another minute in the same room -- certainly not to make him feel better. Then she considers that this would ultimately be in her and Quinn's best interest.)

DARIA: (looks him in the eye) First tell Mom what you've done.

(Jake considers this for several beats, before nodding slowly.)

DARIA: Second, answer this. Why are adults such idiots?

JAKE: Huh??

DARIA: You've had thirty more years on the planet, plenty of time to work through the chips on your shoulder and the hang-ups that keep you down. But instead, like busted wind-up toys, you just perform the same stupid tricks.

(She walks over to the table and stands across from Jake.)

DARIA: I've been told time and again that no one is perfect, but what excuse is there for you to be this imperfect??

(After a long beat, Jake speaks.)

JAKE: There isn't an excuse. We just are idiots. Some more than others. (pats his chest.) Most of the time, living doesn't make you wiser... it just makes you older.

(His response isn't what Daria wanted to hear, though she didn't expect him to say anything she did want to hear at this point. Her eyes narrow.)

DARIA: Sounds like a cop-out if you ask me. You could act better if you wanted. At least I hope so. (wave of fear.) I won't grow up to be like that.

JAKE: (morose) Aw kiddo, you're so good at seeing how things could turn out before they happen, you probably won't make half the mistakes other grown-ups do. But that doesn't mean there won't be a time when you hurt someone without meaning to.

(To this Daria tries not to listen, though she can't deny Jake's logic.)

JAKE: And when that happens, you just hope you can find a way to make amends. (quiet.) Hope that the people you love are bigger than you are.

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 6 (Amy's residence, later)

(Amy sits on the bed, robed and toweling off the ends of her hair. Slowly the door opens, and Joel walks in. He and Amy stare at each other for a long time. Both wear guarded, remorseful expressions.)

JOEL: (finally, subdued) I didn't come in here to fight.

(Pause)

AMY: Good.

(Joel moves slowly toward the bed and stands beside it, as if unsure of whether he's welcome to sit down. After a beat, Amy pats the place beside her. Joel sits, and they continue to look at each other.)

AMY: I...

JOEL: (at the same time) I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I should have known better. (shakes his head.) I -- it wasn't you. It was what I came from, and I was just projecting. I was being a complete asshole.

AMY: No you weren't. (Bt) Well you were, but so was I, a little.

(Joel brushes his hand against Amy's cheek, and Amy leans forward and wraps both arms around him. They hold each other tightly.)

AMY: Dammit, Joel, I love you. Don't ever doubt that.

(Joel rubs his cheek against her hair.)

JOEL: I love you, too. So much I can't stand it, sometimes.

(They continue to hug in silence for several more beats, before pulling apart, almost reluctantly.)

AMY: So now what?

(Joel considers for a few moments, groans and shakes his head. He then glances at Amy's robe and playfully nods toward the bed. Amy lightly slaps him on the cheek.)

JOEL: Just trying to lighten the mood.

(Amy smirks, suggesting that it worked.)

AMY: We've obviously got problems to work through. (more serious.) Starting with communication.

JOEL: I could have sworn we've done this before.

AMY: It's like one of those nasty weeds you keep having to pump full of poison. (reddens.) Not the best comparison.

(Joel takes Amy's hand, squeezes it.)

JOEL: (awkward) I didn't know you felt inferior to me. Whenever you made those Mr. Perfect comments, I assumed you were being... how you are with everyone.

AMY: (softly) You never said anything, but I thought: how could you not feel that way? You're the one who's always got something going on, who likes to try new things.

JOEL: So do you.

AMY: (almost angry) No I don't. I can recall exactly two challenges I've undertaken alone. Joining an all-girl punk band during my "piss my parents off as much as possible" college phase, and buying a red Spitfire instead of a black one.

JOEL: A wise choice.

AMY: I thought so.

JOEL: So tell me: does this have anything to do with your rut? Were you, like, so distraught I would up and leave you, you got depressed?

(Amy's eyes shift away a little, in thought.)

AMY: No. (recalls her fight with Helen.) Not completely. It's hard to explain, but since we got back together, I was feeling happier than I'd felt for quite some time. Great love, great sex, and while the job wasn't great, it didn't suck either.

JOEL: So what happened?

AMY: I started to doubt myself. Wondered why I deserved to be happy, what I had done to make it so. And I came up empty. I'd done nothing. (closes her eyes.) My whole life I've just fallen into every opportunity that's been laid out for me, just like Hel...

JOEL: Not from where I'm standing.

AMY: (to herself) I avoid putting myself out there -- first because of my father, then to be different from my sisters, until finally I just never learned how. (looks at Joel.) You should always, always be proud of what you've accomplished. But sometimes I feel like you're a mirror held up to my face, revealing all of my wasted potential.

(Joel looks concerned.)

AMY: And I just don't know if I can deal with it in the long run. It scares me to think about -- you scare me.

JOEL: (worried) I thought you said you didn't want to break up with me.

AMY: (shaky smile) I don't. But that doesn't mean I won't come after you with a cast iron skillet someday.

JOEL: And I'm the one who scares you.

(He chuckles, causing Amy to blush, then becomes intense.)

JOEL: Because you scare me. You're the one who's always seemed better. Beautiful, confident, says exactly what's on her mind. When my friends see you, they're like: "My God, you live with her??"

(Amy smirks, in spite of herself.)

JOEL: I had to work to become somebody, but to me, you were born amazing. Everything you do, no matter how small, just reflects that. That's why I love being a part of whatever you do, and why in the past I let it get a bit out of hand.

(Amy cocks a brow, remembering.)

JOEL: When you're in a down mood, like now, I can feel it. Even though you don't express it openly. And I want to do everything to try and make it better.

(Her face now soft, Amy leans forward and kisses Joel on the lips. They then embrace once again, Amy's head on Joel's shoulder.)

AMY: I don't know whether to be flattered or concerned.

JOEL: (smirks) At least I haven't built the altar yet.

AMY: So again, now what? Do we just worship each other and continue to wallow in our insecurities?

JOEL: I think... we work on the insecurities, and just try to stay honest with each other.

(Amy pulls back, looks him in the eye.)

AMY: Like if you tell me your concerns instead of going behind my back to Helen.

JOEL: (equally pointed) Or if you actually talk about your feelings instead of blowing them off with sarcasm.

(They stare at each other for a beat.)

JOEL: (soft) Done.

AMY: (smiles) And I'm working on it. I won't ever share everything, but I'll definitely try to be more open.

JOEL: You know a year ago we wouldn't have said what we just said. I wouldn't have known of your feelings about Helen --

AMY: My feelings about Helen. Oh God.

(Her tender expression turns pained, filling Joel with worry.)

JOEL: What is it? What did I say?

AMY: Nothing. She and I fought right before she left.

JOEL: (can't resist asking) Again?

AMY: (nods) It was worse this time. (winces.) The things I said to her... and what she said to me. The whole stupid fight was so painful and out of control.

JOEL: You two have bounced back from a bad fight before.

AMY: I don't think we will this time. (closes her eyes, now seems close to tears.) I told her I loved her.

JOEL: (faint smile) Ouch.

AMY: (shakes her head) When I was a child. I told her everything. About how I worshiped her, thought she had all this great potential to share with the world. It's like Satan pitched a tent in my brain and made me blab every single thought I'd kept private for over thirty years.

JOEL: Still, it doesn't sound terrible.

AMY: I just don't know why I did it. (winces.) Of course Helen's not perfect. Of course she's flawed and weak and vain like everyone else. I've known that for years. But this window opened up that let me see her the way I once did. I jumped through, and came down hard.

JOEL: How come?

AMY: I wanted her to help me. But not just that. (She looks away, takes a deep breath.) Back when I "worshiped" Helen, I also knew that she loved me more than my own mother did. She loved me like a mother.

(Joel recalls his conversation with Helen over the photo, and nods.)

AMY: (shakier) Which I really needed, given that my own mother was so distant, Rita hated me for replacing her as the youngest girl, and Dad was so Jekyll-and-Hyde. (knits her brow.) But then came the day when Helen left me. I don't know how. She hadn't even left for college yet, but suddenly she just wasn't with me anymore.

(She quivers a little, and fights to stay controlled.)

AMY: I never knew why. Never knew if it was something I did, or if something inside her changed. (hint of anger.) Or if she only loved me because I was a girl and saved her ass.

JOEL: Did you ask her?

(Amy shakes her head.)

AMY: (continues) Once she "left" me, I no longer saw her as perfect. And earlier today, when I saw that I couldn't get "perfect" Helen back, and that the source of her love was possibly tainted, I lost it. Said she was horrible and selfish, and destined to wreck her family.

JOEL: (faint smirk) She take it well?

AMY: Yes, she merely tore me to shreds. Between the two of us, I think we had the block convinced the Apocalypse was at hand. Either that, or a trashy reality show.

JOEL: (cringes) I'll take the Apocalypse, thanks.

AMY: The things we said... if she takes my words to heart the way I did hers. (then, angry.) God, why does it always have to end like that?! I wish I could take it all back.

(Joel reaches back and snares the phone, which he hands to Amy.)

JOEL: Here. Call her up.

AMY: I-I can't. She'll never --

JOEL: You won't know unless you try. Come on.

(Amy hesitates, before taking it and punching speed dial.)

AMY: (muttering) If I've done anything to hurt those people, I swear I'll never forgive myself... (After several rings.) Voice mail.

(She clicks off the phone without leaving a message, dejected.)

AMY: If I try her home phone, I might interrupt her with Jake. Or he or the girls might answer and I'd be forced to make up some excuse, and I forgot the excuse Helen gave.

(With disgust, she slams the phone down hard on the bed.)

JOEL: Calm down, Amy. Just keep trying her cell phone. She'll answer sooner or later.

AMY: I want to help her. In spite of whatever far-flung excuse she gave, I really do think she came here for my help. At least it would give her a chance to explain.

(Her eyes convey a depth of feeling and sorrow that touches Joel, and he brings her against him.)

JOEL: We'll do whatever it takes, all right?

(Amy turns her head and looks at him.)

AMY: Thanks, honey. For being here.

(She takes Joel's face in her hands, and they kiss deeply and tenderly.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 7 (Greg's house, evening)

(Wide shot of the exterior. In the twilight it looks like a regular single story, the type you might see on DeMartino's or Mrs. Johanson's street. The only thing marking it as an artist's house is a large, metallic modern art piece on the lawn. In the foreground of this shot, we see the nose of Helen's SUV just poke into view.)

(Cut to shot of Helen sitting in the dark interior. She puts the SUV in park and just stares at Greg's house across the street. Just sits and stares.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 8 (Morgendorffer house, later)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn, in Quinn's room, where Daria has tracked her down after their confrontation with Jake. Quinn sits at the edge of the bed, hugging her knees, while Daria sits at the head, squeezing Quinn's Smiley pillow. Neither of them speaks for several beats.)

QUINN: (tired) What's gonna happen... when Mom gets home?

(Daria looks at her, shrugs. She can't even imagine. At this point, she doesn't know what Helen's been up to all weekend, where her thoughts are, what her intentions are.)

QUINN: Do you think she'll kick Dad out of the house?

(Daria frowns.)

DARIA: I hope she'd at least give him a hearing, first.

QUINN: (rage) But why should she?? He lied to her, too! Why shouldn't she hate him as much as we do?

DARIA: Because. She may not have a choice.

(Quinn looks at her with concern.)

QUINN: Do you think Dad will leave us?

DARIA: Quinn. God, don't even talk like that!

QUINN: I'm sorry!

(Shaken by Daria's tone, Quinn closes her mouth and is silent. Daria looks at her regretfully.)

DARIA: No, I'm sorry. For all of this. Sorry that our efforts yielded nothing but crap. That I forced us to hear the truth when we didn't have to.

QUINN: But you couldn't have known, Daria.

DARIA: I could have guessed. I had my suspicions. (pained scowl.) If I had left it alone, Dad would have told Mom, not us.

QUINN: (inching toward her on the bed) But we wanted to know. And I was too scared. You did the right thing.

(She finds herself patting Daria's hand, to lift her out of her mood. Daria looks at her with an expression that is surprised and touched.)

QUINN: If Dad never said a word and this whole awful thing between him and Mom dragged on, I would have hated it. Wouldn't you?

(Daria thinks for a moment.)

DARIA: (resigned) Yeah.

(She finds herself reaching up, taking Quinn's hand, and giving it a squeeze. Quinn looks surprised by her gesture. Her face softening, she sits down beside Daria, bringing her knees to her chest.)

QUINN: It was never your fault, Daria. (dejected.) It was mine.

DARIA: Your fault?

QUINN: (pained) If Dad hadn't helped me with math, none of this would've happened.

DARIA: Not making the connection.

QUINN: You heard him say that tutoring me led him to teach, and that's how he met that person who isn't Mom. (more distressed.) If I hadn't needed help, then stopped asking for it, he wouldn't have looked somewhere else, and he'd still be at home, and we probably wouldn't be talking right now. I was like his enabler, or something.

DARIA: Quinn...

QUINN: (face crumples a little) I didn't want this to happen, Daria.

(Daria's brow creases with sympathy, and she leans over to give Quinn a hug around the shoulders.)

DARIA: It's not your fault. Really. Tutoring you is the best thing that's come out of this.

QUINN: Oh, that's saying a lot.

DARIA: I'm serious. It got you interested in school, didn't it?

QUINN: (cross) So what?? If it wrecks our house, it's not worth it.

DARIA: (firm) You didn't make Dad teach at the Extension Center. You didn't even know. If you didn't know, how could you prevent it?

(Quinn sighs, as Daria's logic seeps in.)

QUINN: I guess.

DARIA: If you take your learning further through life, no matter what happens it will be worth it.

QUINN: (quietly) You really mean that?

DARIA: I've always meant it.

(Quinn considers this, then pulls away from Daria a little.)

QUINN: Yeah... but you don't always act like it.

(Daria thinks for a moment.)

DARIA: Act like I think you're smart?

(Quinn freezes, then nods faintly. Daria sighs, remembering her conversation with Jane on the subject, and decides to 'fess up about some of her feelings.)

DARIA: I haven't always wanted to think you were. "Bright enough," sure. Better than the other fashion drones, naturally. But "truly smart" was an honor I wasn't willing to bestow.

QUINN: (quiet) How come?

DARIA: Because... (struggles to think of words.) what's so unique about me if you can be smart so easily?

QUINN: But we wouldn't be smart in the same way.

DARIA: It's the act of being a brain that gives me my identity, not what I'm smart at. You have other things that you're known for. For me, this is it.

QUINN: Oh, okay. (tries not to sound disappointed) So does that mean you think I'm smart, but you're never going to tell me so?

(She gets a look on her face that is almost as sad as the one she wore a few moments ago. Daria struggles with a conflicting desire to comfort her sister and stay true to her logic, which she feels is justified in spite of Jane's remarks and Quinn's disappointment.)

DARIA: (quiet) What does it matter if I tell you? Aren't there about fifty mathletes, not to mention your teacher, who would do it without hesitation?

QUINN: (cheeks flushing) Yeah... but... you always mean what you say. About everything. (flustered.) Plus, you're my sister. Plus you're, like, the smartest person I know. What you say is worth, like, ten Jeffys.

DARIA: What, no Joeys?

QUINN: And you're the one who knows how to handle being smart. (frustrated.) Me, I feel like I'm on a new planet, and I don't have anyone to be my tour guide.

DARIA: The bathrooms are to the left of the comet storm.

QUINN: I just want to make sure I'm not doing it wrong. (Pause. with reluctance.) Plus, I don't think I've ever made you proud of me. I mean really. And I thought...

(Daria cocks an eyelid, her resolve fading at the sincerity of Quinn's tone. She sighs.)

DARIA: You're a sharp person, Quinn. I don't even think I realized how sharp until today. You examine a problem and instantly seek out a workable solution.

(Quinn nods, trying to take pleasure in that much praise, at least.)

DARIA: You're like that with everything -- fashion, relationships, math equations. It's who you are. And you proved that even more this weekend, when you found out where Dad was going, and you tried to help him with Mom. I wish I had half your nerve.

QUINN: (smiles a little) Thanks, Daria.

DARIA: And you wouldn't be sharp if you weren't... kind of smart, too.

(Quinn's face takes on a genuine smile this time. She looks the happiest she has all weekend.)

QUINN: Thanks!

DARIA: Wow. I said it, and my head didn't explode. I must be going soft.

QUINN: (giddy) Or it's just 'cause you know I'll never be as smart as you. (Bt) You wanted me to say that, didn't you?

DARIA: So that _Easy Guide to Mind Control_ was worth the money. (Then, grudging but sincere.) Quinn, truth be told, I don't know how smart you are. You might not be as smart as me. Or you might. But the point is how you use that intelligence. Like deciding whether or not it's worth it to spend your life folding sweaters at Cashmans.

QUINN: Right... (Then, more serious.) Does this also mean you're no longer down on any of the math stuff I do? Or my teacher?

DARIA: (objects) I haven't been "down" on... (She then pauses to reflect, before speaking honestly.) Look, I won't pretend that that doesn't concern me anymore, because it does. But most of it has nothing to do with you, understand?

QUINN: (confused) Um, sure.

DARIA: And I'm going to have to trust you to do what you think is best. Know when it's time to move on.

(More confused, Quinn just looks at her. Then something dawns on her, and her face goes reflective.)

DARIA: And... maybe I should move on, too. Quit worrying about my damn identity, and be that tour guide you need, or whatever. It gets pretty windy on the dark side of Jupiter.

(She wishes she felt half as certain as she sounds. As she watches Quinn's face light up, she hopes that she can keep up her selflessness in the long run.)

QUINN: I'd like that. (Bt) And Daria?

DARIA: Yes?

QUINN: You... um, you're good with stuff, too.

DARIA: So I've been told.

QUINN: At stuff besides being a brain, I mean. You're real good at being forceful and saying what you think. The way you pressured Dad and wouldn't back away, that was, like, really... cool.

(Daria's face takes on muted surprise and pleasure at Quinn's compliment. She hadn't thought Quinn was in a state to pay attention.)

DARIA: "Cool," eh? (smirks.) Let's hope the next subject you fall for is English.

(Quinn rolls her eyes.)

QUINN: (smirks) You should do that more often. Go up to people on your own, I mean.

DARIA: I may just do that. Much as I try to drag my heels, I seem to keep doing that more often anyway.

QUINN: I could...

(Her words trail off at the rumble of a car engine outside. Daria and Quinn glance at each other, then hurry over to the window to see. Down below, they see the long white beams of SUV headlights touching the garage door. As the SUV pulls into the driveway, Daria and Quinn exchange a weary look. "Mom's finally home.")

(cut to: )

SCENE 9 (living room, minutes later)

(Shot of the front door. It opens, revealing a bone-weary Helen, still dressed the way she was on Friday, briefcase in hand. She surveys the empty, half-lit living room.)

HELEN: Hello? I'm back.

(Her tone sounds mildly flat, as though she's not sure anyone will respond. She moves inside and closes the door, then calls up the stairs.)

HELEN: Daria? Quinn? Jake?

(When she receives no response, she starts toward the kitchen -- to eat and to see if any notes/phone messages have been left. Just then:)

DARIA: (OS) Mom.

(Helen turns with surprise to see Daria and Quinn standing at the top of the stairs.)

HELEN: Why girls, I didn't think you were home! (She smiles with overwhelming tenderness and relief.) The house was so quiet, and when no one answered --

DARIA: Sorry, we were busy.

QUINN: (quiet) How was it at Aunt Amy's?

(Beat)

HELEN: (hint of sadness) Not as nice as I had hoped.

DARIA: You didn't fix her problem?

(Helen pauses before shaking her head. Then, insistent:)

HELEN: Please, come down where I can actually see you. It's been more than two days.

(Daria and Quinn move down slowly, with a hint of wariness. Although they don't know exactly what Helen did that weekend, they're quite sure it involved a lot of soul-searching and decision-making that could have as many unfortunate consequences as Jake's activities.)

(Quinn reaches the bottom first, and Helen reaches forward to caress her hair. Then, on impulse, she drops her briefcase and hugs Quinn tightly to her chest. Quinn is startled, as is Daria. But oddly enough, they understand; it feels like much longer than two days have passed. Quinn melts into Helen's embrace, and Helen makes a little waving gesture for Daria to come over. Daria hesitates for a moment, before inserting herself awkwardly into the mix. The same thoughts pass through her skeptic's mind as they do through Quinn's: Mom is home. No matter what happens, Mom is home. Mom will take charge of everything. She'll find a way to fix this.)

(Helen, meanwhile, continues to hug her daughters as though it's hurt her to be separated from them. Only after several more moments pass does she finally pull away.)

HELEN: Where's your father?

(Daria and Quinn glance toward the empty kitchen.)

QUINN: (quiet) He was there last time we saw him.

DARIA: I haven't heard any tires squealing.

(Helen nods solemnly, wondering if Jake is avoiding her. Just then she turns to see Jake approaching them slowly from the dining room entrance. Daria and Quinn step away and let their mother handle him.)

JAKE: (uneasy) Hi, Helen.

HELEN: Jake, hi.

JAKE: (strained enthusiasm) It sure is good to see you!

HELEN: (genuine) Yes, it's good to be home.

(Helen picks up on the strain, and her face creases with apprehension. He knows something, she's sure. Jake sees Helen's concerned expression and becomes very nervous, convinced one of the girls has somehow tipped her off. He opens up his arms to her, and Helen receives them. They share a hug that is sincere, if a little stiff, allowing Daria and Quinn to hope for the best.)

JAKE: I was, um, just down in the basement. You know, the pipes have been causing trouble, and I thought...

HELEN: The pipes? Oh dear! (with exaggerated concern.) I should come down there and look at them with you. We don't want a leak that could ruin our foundation.

JAKE: Um, yeah. We sure don't.

(With that, they brace themselves for their first time alone that weekend.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 10 (basement, sometime later)

(Helen sits at the base of the steps, while Jake sits on a stool a few feet away. They stare at the floor, Helen looking sick, rueful, angry, but also strangely at peace, and Jake looking very tired and glum. She has told him everything. He has told her everything.)

JAKE: (finally) I knew it. (musters rage.) I KNEW it!! I knew there was something between you and that bastard, I knew it!!

HELEN: (weary) Jake, please. The girls might hear you.

JAKE: It should have been YOU who had to face them! If only you'd seen them, Helen! Their little faces, so angry and hurt! It should have been you they lost faith in!

HELEN: (miserable) Oh Jake, I'm sure they'll hate me soon enough! (eyes narrow.) Besides, I'm so sorry you had to be up front with them about your little misdeed!

JAKE: (undeterred) Well why should old Jakey be left in the cold while you run off with your precious sculptor?!

HELEN: Of course, blame it on me! Blame it ALL on me, like you always do!

JAKE: Why not?! It's your fault!

HELEN: I just kissed Greg! What you did was something else!

JAKE: But you --

HELEN: No, I don't.

(Jake's rage cools for a moment.)

HELEN: No, I don't love Greg.

(Jake does the exaggerated blink, as he struggles with this revelation.)

JAKE: You don't... (then, accusatory.) But you thought you did, didn't you?! That's why you kissed him! You just saw that you couldn't go through with it!

HELEN: (distressed) I didn't know how I felt about him. He was a friend, I was confused. I got upset, and there his lips were. I spent this whole weekend trying to sort out how I felt, and it wasn't until I actually went by his house that I knew for sure.

JAKE: (mocking) To try and spark the flame one last time, huh?!

(For a moment, Helen looks like she wants to smack him. Then her face grows reflective.)

HELEN: I never went in. I sat outside in the car for a few minutes and then drove away. (to herself.) I never even knew he lived in a house, much less one about six blocks from here. And that's when I realized: I can't love Greg. I hardly even know him.

JAKE: (more sober, faint sneer) You don't need to know him. He's your Superman, your ideal.

HELEN: (tired) Jake, I can't have a meaningful relationship with an ideal.

(Jake reflects on this, while Helen's face grows more pained, as she recalls the kiss and the events of that weekend.)

HELEN: (soft) But still... you're right. This whole thing started with me. I kissed Greg first. Then I felt so guilty and confused, I pushed you away. It is my fault.

JAKE: (pang of sympathy) Helen. Honey...

HELEN: All this time, I kept wondering how you would react. Whether it could be you that left me. (teary smile.) You've grown up so much, Jake, in such a short amount of time, that a part of me thought you might feel confident enough to walk out...

(Her voice trails off, as she confronts reality. She struggles to hold back tears. Jake goes over to her and tries to put his arms around her. Helen resists at first, but then allows him to keep his hands on her shoulders.)

JAKE: Aw honey, I would never walk out on you and the girls!

(Helen sniffles and looks at Jake calmly.)

HELEN: So this woman... what's she like?

JAKE: (awkward) Gee, I don't really know her that well, we just...

HELEN: You must know something about her to have gone out a few times.

(Jake looks uncomfortable.)

JAKE: She... she's nice. She laughs at my jokes. And, um, tells some pretty funny ones, herself. Like this one about -- (He stops abruptly when he sees Helen's expression.) There's no baggage with her. I'm not Jake the Screw Up or Jake the Military School Flunkie or Jake the Coward or Jake the Moron --!

(Again, he sees Helen's face, tightly controlled, and stops. Helen closes her eyes, well aware that this is indirect blame of her.)

JAKE: Not that --

HELEN: Do you love her?

JAKE: Well gee, I --

HELEN: (flaring up) How could you? You've barely just met her!

JAKE: I... (cringes, tries to think of a way to phrase it.) I like her a lot. But I love you.

(Helen nods, and then it's too much. The news combined with her general fatigue cause her to break down and start crying. Jake looks distressed, like he doesn't know what to do. First he moves as if to wipe the tears from her face, then finally, awkwardly, puts his arms around her.)

JAKE: Didn't you hear me? I love you.

(Helen nods, the tears still falling. She then makes a jerking move, causing Jake to release her and step away. Helen wipes her eyes and tries to sound as composed as possible.)

HELEN: So what should we do?

JAKE: I-I was hoping you would know.

HELEN: What do you want to do?

JAKE: I want to be home with you and the girls! Now that I know why you've been so distant, I don't have to worry about you going away. And the girls -- we have to do what's right for them. I have to regain their trust.

HELEN: (nods slowly) Yes. So will I.

JAKE: I'll break it off; I'll stay home from now on, spend more time with them -- with all of you. Especially you, honey. We'll have a clean slate! Would you like that??

HELEN: Yes, I would. (She smiles a little, tears still seeping out of her eyes.) I would like that very much.

(She feels a surge of happiness that blots out her fatigue, and tries not to think about how Jake's declarations sound strained and his body movements seem stiff and exaggerated, as though there's a disconnect between what he feels and what he's trying to express. Jake moves toward her again with his arms open, and they embrace tenderly for a long time. When Jake at last moves away, Helen gazes up at his face, only to find herself studying his expression.)

HELEN: But Jake?

JAKE: What is it, honey?

HELEN: Didn't you say what the girls wanted most from you was honesty?

JAKE: But I already...

(Helen looks right at him. Her probing gaze causes Jake to stop talking, and his shoulders to slump with concession.)

(fade-out. fade-in to: )

SCENE 11 (Lawndale, Monday, early afternoon)

(Overhead shot of Lawndale: it's a clear, bright day. The parts of town that could be considered "main street" and "downtown" are actually busy with noontime patrons.)

(Cut to inside shot of a sparsely-populated deli on the main street. Joel sits at a table near the window, polishing off the last of a sandwich. At Amy's end sits an untouched cola. Joel checks his watch and looks with concern toward the restrooms, when suddenly Amy appears from around the other side, her face a little green, but otherwise okay.)

JOEL: Here. (gestures at the cola.) To settle your tummy.

AMY: (smiling faintly with gratitude) Thanks. (sits down.) I must have eaten a bad bagel this morning. Knew something in that schmeer was staring back at me.

JOEL: Or car sickness.

AMY: Never a problem before. (takes a sip.) If I get a stomach bug on top of everything else, it will be the perfect cap for this weekend.

JOEL: What about getting through to Helen?

AMY: (sips, shakes her head) Got her damn voice mail again, and no one answered at the house. (She sits up straighter, looks a little worried.) I'm starting to think it was wrong to come here.

JOEL: Give it time. They'll be home soon.

AMY: And if not, we've merely wasted the better part of a day driving to Suburban Nowhere and back.

JOEL: There's got to be something to see here.

(Amy remains impassive.)

JOEL: If not in the town itself, something close by.

AMY: (uncertain) I heard there's a giant strawberry. Supposedly if you rub it just the right way, it'll play "Strawberry Fields Forever."

JOEL: (skeptical) Uh-huh. And if I trip over a rock, will I start hearing "Like a Rolling Stone"?

AMY: This town bursts into song when the weather fluctuates. I'd say anything's possible.

(Joel looks a little spooked. Amy smirks at him.)

AMY: Thank you for volunteering to drive.

JOEL: You'd done enough driving this weekend. (smirks back.) Besides, I thought I might finally get the chance to meet those nieces you talk about so much.

AMY: Right. (Her brow furrows, as something else occurs to her.)

JOEL: And I'd like to know if Helen turns out all right, too.

(Amy smiles. But then the thought that was bothering her causes her expression to darken. She focuses on her cola.)

AMY: (quiet) Suppose Helen doesn't want to see me? Suppose none of them do?

(Joel pauses a long time before answering, his eyes turned toward the window.)

JOEL: You may get your chance to find out very soon. (He points.) Isn't that Helen's land menace over there?

(Amy looks, expecting to see one of a zillion red SUV's. Instead, parked across the street, in front of the bank, is one that she instinctively knows is Helen's. She stands up and walks over to the window to see: sure enough, Helen climbs out and heads over to the sidewalk. She's alone.)

AMY: (sotto) It's fate.

JOEL: (from the table) Giant strawberry that plays Beatles tunes? Think I'll check it out. Call me when you're through, okay?

(Amy nods, and comes over to grab her purse and smooch Joel on the head. She then dashes outside, then across the street, which isn't exactly a boulevard. Helen is standing at the ATM, seemingly off in her own world. When she first sees Amy, her face registers shock, followed by wariness, as she remembers the way they left off. Then a sadness that Amy unfortunately recognizes and understands.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 12 (Highland Hills Park, soon after)

(Shot of Helen and Amy sitting on a park bench, having wandered over to the park from downtown.)

AMY: (softly) You let him go? After what you said?

(Helen pauses, then lowers her eyes and nods.)

HELEN: I had to. I had to give him a chance, at least for a while.

AMY: How long do you plan to separate?

HELEN: (smiles with bravado) Not too long. (Bt) I hope.

(Amy raises a brow, concerned. Helen sighs shakily and tries to express her reasoning in words.)

HELEN: He said he didn't want to leave me, and I believe him. But I also know what he's going though: stretching himself and finding a level of self-acceptance that he hasn't known before. If I made him stay, I would have compromised his growth and I just couldn't do that.

AMY: What about the girls?

HELEN: The girls... (pained.) for their sakes, I wish things could have worked out differently. But as it stands, it would have been a lie. Jake and I would have resented each other more, had a messier split, and the girls would have been stuck in the middle. This way, as awful as it seems, at least we stand a chance of remaining on the best terms.

AMY: Is that how they feel? Have you told them?

HELEN: (nods slowly) Yes, that's why no one was around this morning. Jake and I decided to break it to them gently. You know, a nice little drive. To the mall. (guilty.) For some breakfast and a bit of shopping. (Bt) For the most expensive item of their choice.

AMY: (skeptical) And it helped?

HELEN: Oh, sure it did. (pained laugh.) The way a diamond ring helps someone who just lost an arm.

(Amy emits a chuckle, more out of sympathy for all involved than because she finds the comparison funny.)

HELEN: I think they knew what we were going to tell them before we even left the house. They seemed to take a certain pleasure in maxing out our credit cards. (She stares out at the expanse of grass.) It's going to be hard for them, I know. I just hope...

(Amy touches Helen's shoulder gently, causing Helen to face her. Amy looks at her with the same intensity as when they were in the pawn shop.)

AMY: Helen, are you sure this is for the best? Are you sure this is what you absolutely want??

(Helen gazes at her, and her expression wavers.)

HELEN: I don't know. Jake and I spent half the night talking, and it seemed like the right idea this morning. But now I feel so terrible, like I'm coming out of shock. Our marriage, Amy. Twenty-four years put on the line, just like that. What if he never wants to come back?

AMY: (soft) What if he doesn't? Is it worth that risk?

(long Pause)

HELEN: It has to be.

(Amy wants to say something more. Even though her own relationship has survived a break, she senses that her sister's marriage is in the worst shape it's ever been in. She feels very guilty, wishing again that she had been a better confidante. At the same time, Amy realizes that she can't force Helen to make another decision, any more than she could on Sunday, when her motives were different. She resigns herself to the fact that the situation is mostly out of her control.)

AMY: Well if there's anything I can do to help...

(Helen looks at her, tears in her eyes.)

HELEN: You did. You came.

(She leans over and pulls Amy close. Startled, Amy sinks into her embrace, resting her head against Helen's shoulder.)

HELEN: Oh Amy, when I saw you, I couldn't believe it! After the way we left things --

AMY: Why do you think I came?

HELEN: This means so much, if you only knew. All those awful things I said --

AMY: Don't even worry about our fight right now.

HELEN: No, no, I want to get it off my chest. I didn't mean half of what I said, and I'm so sorry.

AMY: (pulls back, smirks a little) By now, Helen, you should know as well as I do that we always mean what we say. We're just not always right.

(Her face then puckers, as her accusations race through her mind once again.)

AMY: And I was very wrong this time around.

(Helen reflects upon that.)

HELEN: No you weren't. Not completely.

(Fade-out. Fade-in to a short time later. They now stroll along on one of the park paths, oblivious to other people.)

HELEN: It's true my motives in this aren't one hundred percent selfless. (resigned.) I may not love Greg, but his influence did open up something inside me that I can't ignore any longer. Like Jake, I see this time apart as a time to do some exploring.

AMY: Other men?

(Helen gives Amy a look, and Amy mentally stabs herself. Then Helen looks thoughtful.)

HELEN: I don't know. I was more thinking my talents. Maybe get involved in a worthwhile cause. Or even another art class. (faint smile.) That's the part of not knowing I actually like.

(Faint smile from Amy, who also becomes reflective.)

AMY: Well you were right about my needing to take a more active role in de-rutting myself. Now that I know some of my concerns were unfounded, I think I stand a better chance of returning to normal.

(Amy smirks, but Helen turns serious and lays a hand on Amy's arm. They both stop walking.)

HELEN: Amy, on the way home yesterday, I thought about some of what you said. About me and Dad, and my wish. I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

(Amy stiffens, nods; she had come hoping to talk about this, but Helen's predicament had made it a far lesser priority.)

HELEN: It's true, I was happy when you were born a girl. Ecstatic. But again, I never expected nor wanted you to suffer for it. And it isn't what made me love you.

(Amy nods, feeling a bit numb.)

AMY: (sardonic) So what did? My debonair good looks? My expansive vocabulary?

HELEN: Isn't it just possible that you did?

(Amy raises a brow, finding Helen's answer both unsurprising and completely unexpected.)

AMY: And just what is it about me you found so irresistible?

HELEN: (looks away, remembering) You were born at a time when our family was at its worst. We were trying to settle into Rutherford and Dad was taking over the family business. Everyone was so stressed out and anxious and upset. And there you were: this sweet smiling little baby.

AMY: (wry) So you loved me because I was an escape? I feel much better now.

HELEN: (mild) Oh, there's more to it than that. Escape or not, it wouldn't have made a difference. You won me over.

(Amy's face softens.)

HELEN: (tender) You were a little imp -- that's never changed. You were also so bright and happy and curious about everything. You never wasted any time whining when you could be off exploring some uncharted part of the living room where you weren't allowed. Maybe that's how all babies are, but just the same: you won me over.

AMY: (wistful) I think I'd have won myself over.

(For a moment, Helen's face takes on a pained expression that Amy doesn't see.)

HELEN: Yes, you and I had some good times together. You were so small, I spent a lot of time with you because you seemed to need my protection. But surprise, surprise: a lot of the time you guided me. (reflective.) You would laugh, and it would take me outside of myself. You were so amazed by the commonest things, things I wouldn't have looked twice at.

(Helen turns to her sister with shy gratitude.)

HELEN: It's because of you I first wanted to be a mother, and everything I've managed to do right with my girls, I believe is because of you, too.

AMY: You're just desperate for some future favor from me, aren't you?

HELEN: (raises a brow) Perhaps.

(Amy tilts her head to the side, her face now pinched. She swallows hard.)

AMY: Helen... why didn't you ever say anything?

HELEN: I don't know if I even realized it until now. (smiles faintly.) And I think there was once a time I didn't need to tell you.

(Amy smiles sadly, sensing the truth behind Helen's words.)

AMY: And what happened? (careful, mindful of her sister's emotional state.) I grew up, and you got busier and went off on your own?

HELEN: (pained, wry smile) I "dropped the ball," remember?

AMY: That was from my perspective as a child. What really happened?

(Helen thinks, and as she does her face grows more solemn.)

HELEN: Many things, I suppose. I was getting older, facing college and adulthood. I had all these hopes, and now I had to see if I could make them come true. I wasn't sure I had what it took.

(Amy nods. Helen glances at her, speaks with a bit more difficulty.)

HELEN: And then there was you. I watched you grow up from a happy baby into a sullen, withdrawn child without any real idea what had happened. Oh, I'm quite sure our family life was enough to do it to you. But I thought I had been careful, that I had protected you well enough. (She speaks with passion, as though reliving it.) It was just so... it made me very sad. I'm sure I thought it was all my fault.

AMY: (reflective) So you started moving away...

HELEN: Some of it was natural. You know, a teenage girl trying to spread her wings. But some of it was fear. That maybe your behavior was my doing, and you were better off...

(Her voice trails off as she and Amy ponder the significance of this revelation.)

HELEN: (softly) I guess I never overcame those old anxieties, no matter how old I got.

(The look on her face is clearly depressed. Between this memory and her current situation, she feels like she can't do anything right.)

HELEN: (blinks back tears) I'm sorry, Amy.

AMY: It wasn't all your doing. Remember? I didn't turn deaf, dumb, and blind as I got older. I could have extended an olive branch.

(They pause in front of the pond, gazing out on the water.)

AMY: (quiet) All those years in Highland, and I visited once. Maybe twice.

HELEN: (rueful) And you already know how often I came to see you.

AMY: If it weren't for the travesty known as Erin's wedding, another ten years might have passed before we saw each other again.

HELEN: (faint smile) I doubt that. There was the anniversary party, remember?

AMY: I only came because you and Daria helped make me a lot less alienated from the family as a whole.

(Helen looks surprised, then a little relieved, as if she has finally done something right.)

AMY: (subdued) So how will we make sure we don't lose touch again?

HELEN: I guess we can't make absolutely sure, can we? All we can do is try, more than we have.

(Amy nods, and thinks about what they just said. She doesn't know whether to trust that Helen was telling the truth about their childhood. Or, once the crisis fades, whether they will become as distant as they ever were. At the same time, she wants to believe her sister. Even though Helen is flawed and self-absorbed, and often obnoxious, there is enough of her that is worth believing in. It also strikes Amy that she, herself, did not grow up to be the person Helen had wanted, but that hadn't stopped Helen from reaching out.)

HELEN: (looking down at her cell phone, angry) So long as we can actually get through to each other. I can't believe you left two messages and I didn't even know! I think this thing is dying on me.

AMY: Or maybe that's its way of letting you focus on the things in front of you, for once.

(Helen gives her a half-smirk. Then she and Amy see two figures in the near distance.)

HELEN: Is that Joel??

(Cut to close-up of Joel walking along a park path, followed closely by Tad Gupty, who seems to have latched onto him as a companion.)

TAD: (cheerful innocence) And they say, Mister, that the Big Strawberry is the oldest living thing in Lawndale, even older than the trees!

JOEL: (annoyed, distracted) That's nice. Real nice, kid.

TAD: If you make a wish and kiss its stalk, your wish will come true! My parents once wished they could share their joy with everyone, and then the nice people at PBS gave them their very own T.V. show!

JOEL: You must be very proud.

TAD: (frowning) I was. Until a mean couple came on and made my parents lose the T.V. show. Then they said it was wrong to be swayed by the hollow emptiness of a celebrity-driven medium, and they should return to the people where they belonged. So the Big Strawberry --

(Joel stops abruptly.)

JOEL: You know, kid, it's strange. Listening to you talk and talk and talk is giving me cravings.

TAD: Really? (eyes grow wide.) No. You wouldn't!

JOEL: Wouldn't I?

TAD: (horrified) Not the Big Strawberry!

JOEL: Why not? I haven't been feeling too regular lately.

TAD: Nooooo! I won't let you!!

JOEL: Then you'd better run and guard it. I --

TAD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(He bursts into tears and scrambles off.)

JOEL: (smirks faintly) ...walk fast when I'm hungry.

(Cut to shot of Helen and Amy. Amy shakes her head, mildly embarrassed.)

AMY: Can't even leave him alone for an hour.

HELEN: Not much of a child-person, is he?

AMY: They say every twelve seconds, a new child on our block bursts out crying.

(Helen suddenly puts a hand on Amy's arm and looks at her wistfully.)

HELEN: Amy, I know we've pretty much said all that needed to be said. But... I do hope you and Joel will stick around a bit longer.

(Amy recognizes Helen's need for support, and feels touched that she still wants her support. At the same time, she knows how rough things will be for her nieces and wants to make things easier for them, if at all possible. Eager to be a better confidante the second time around, Amy nods.)

(cut to: )

SCENE 14 (Morgendorffer residence, Monday night)

(Shot of the outside.)

JANE: (VO) So how are you guys holding up?

(Close-up shot of Daria lying on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone, looking utterly depressed through her usual deadpan. Intercut between her room and Jane's as they speak.)

DARIA: Not too poorly. Just trying to figure out who to hate more. An hour ago, it was Mom. Two hours ago, Dad. Now I'd say they're running about even.

JANE: Yeesh. I'm sorry.

DARIA: What bothers me most is how fast it was, like they've been working toward this for months. They see each other, then boom next morning: "Hey girls, thought you should know we're splitting up. Here's a big wad of cash in exchange for the rest of your carefree years."

(Cut to wider shot. We see that Daria is watching her television -- with a brand new Tivo box perched on top. Quinn sits on the floor, going through some magazines, too depressed to be alone in her own room. At Daria's words, her face puckers and she closes her eyes.)

JANE: (disbelief) Your parents thought money would help soften the blow?

DARIA: Can't blame them, given that it's worked every other time. (pained.) And given what they told us... about everything... money really was the best thing about that damned trip.

(Jane sighs.)

JANE: Daria, I know you didn't want this to happen. If you need --

DARIA: No really, I'm fine. We both are. My aunt Amy showed up with her boyfriend, and she's been kind of a buffer.

JANE: Famous Aunt drove all this way? After your mom just got back from her place?

DARIA: To ease her sense of guilt -- over what she did or did not do this weekend.

JANE: You guys talk about it?

DARIA: I didn't ask, so she didn't say. Except to tell me that sometimes she sees Mom as her sister first. Whatever the hell that means.

(Jane cringes a little at the flatness of Daria's tone.)

DARIA: (same tone) No seriously, it's been good. She and Joel are spending the night; I think they're in bed already. We got some dinner, blew a hundred bucks at the arcade. Amy beat me at table hockey, but I whipped her ass at Space Invaders. Not to mention Joel -- for a computer nerd, he can't play the classic games worth a crap.

JANE: (smiles wanly) At least you finally had some fun.

DARIA: Yeah, it's been been like a party. The party you hold after a funeral.

JANE: Hmmm.

DARIA: And the worst part of all? Tomorrow's a school day.

JANE: They're actually gonna make you and Quinn go??

DARIA: No. But for once it seems like the better alternative to staying home.

JANE: (distressed) Oh geez, Daria, you really ARE miserable!

(Realizing how dire she sounds, Daria straightens up and her face takes on a more philosophical expression.)

JANE: I mean God, after what I told you about being tolerant and your parents love you and people are people, give them a chance, blah-blah, I feel sort of really bad now.

DARIA: Jane, in light of what I just said, this is gonna sound weird. But I think I'm gonna be okay.

JANE: You're not just saying that to boost my fragile spirits?

DARIA: I thought I'd be, I don't know, crushed if I ever found out. Like I couldn't go about my normal daily routine. Instead, I feel like I can keep things as normal as possible, considering.

JANE: That's good to hear.

DARIA: And try as I might, I can't do it. I can't hate my parents. (sighs.) It's just too obvious that they want what's best for us and can't stand what is happening.

(Shot of Quinn. She lowers her magazine for a moment, the look on her face showing that she is not as forgiving as Daria.)

DARIA: And as much as I don't buy my dad's "adult's are just overgrown children" excuse, I realize that there could come a time when I might face this kind of dilemma. If so, I would understand if my loved ones hated my guts, but I'd hope they wouldn't.

JANE: Wow. That's pretty big of you.

DARIA: Not really. (hint of emotion.) I just don't want to lose them, Jane. I don't want to stop thinking I can come to them if I need something. They're my parents.

(She says it as though it's self-explanatory, and many ways it is. Jane smiles, relieved that her friend seems to be coping better than she feared. A slight silence follows.)

JANE: Some three-day weekend, huh?

DARIA: Yeah. Next one, remind me to book a flight to Tahiti.

JANE: Where you'd "accidentally" lose your return flight ticket. Got it.

DARIA: Who says there'd be a return flight?

(They say their "Later"s, and hang up the phone. The silence in Daria's room is now more heavy and somber. Daria looks at the phone, as if she wishes she could call Jane back, then sits with her arms tucked behind her head, gazing at the ceiling.)

QUINN: Daria?

DARIA: (startled) Quinn. (She sits up, looks down at her.) I almost forgot you were there.

QUINN: (quiet) Yep. Still here.

DARIA: (after a slight pause) You want to stay here? For the night?

QUINN: (brightening) Could I?

DARIA: Sure.

QUINN: Let me just go change...

(Quinn gets up quickly, as relieved that Daria invited her as Daria is that she accepted. Quinn opens the door, peers out to make sure no adults are visible, and starts to pass through. Then something occurs to her, and she closes the door a little and faces her sister.)

QUINN: Daria, I'm glad we've, like, made up and everything. 'Cause I would hate it if I were mad at Mom, Dad, and you.

DARIA: It would make kennel care a more pleasing alternative.

QUINN: And I'm glad I feel, you know, like I can trust you and stuff.

DARIA: (sincere) Good. I'm glad, too.

QUINN: (more meaningful look) 'Cause there are some things I might want to tell you someday. Someday soon, maybe. About, you know, personal stuff.

DARIA: If it's about hair care disasters, or anything fashion- related --

QUINN: No, just the expected stuff. Mom and Dad, my friends, my admirers. School, math, stuff like that.

(Daria sits up straighter, sensing a revelation is afoot.)

QUINN: You know, nothing big.

(She smiles, then slips out into the hallway.)

DARIA: (softly) You know I'll be here.

THE END

[roll the credits......................... For some reason, I see "When You Believe" from _The Prince of Egypt_ playing right about now.]

COMMENTARY

It's been a long time. I said December or January 2001, and it's June 2002. My long and detailed explanation: suffice it to say that between September 2001 and June 2002, Real Life forced its way in, making me write comedy spec scripts to enter in contests and co-write an unfinished sci-fi screenplay whose future status is unknown. And now it wants me back for more. It tapped its foot impatiently as my writing of "Memory Road" dragged on month after month, reminding me that there were more contest and workshop deadlines that I need to take note of. That's when it hit me: the Driven Wild Universe has become too much work. There was once a time when the fanfics were so hot in my brain, writing them took precedent over everything else. It's no coincidence that my first twelve DWUs were written in 1999, the year I started. Even then, I knew the day would come when I would have to put real life first. That time has come. Now that "Memory Road" is complete, I'm going to retire from "Daria" fanfiction writing.

Let me explain "retire." It means I will quit fanfiction for a year or more, then decide whether I feel it's worth it to come back and finish the series. The plot points will NOT be left dangling, as I will post a detailed summary of the events in the remaining 1-2 episodes. Plot points still to address:

1. The biggie: What has Phelps been up to?

2. How Daria and Quinn cope with their parents being separated. How Helen and Jake cope.

3. What has Sandi been up to?

4. What's going to happen with the underground newspaper? Yes, there is a bit of unfinished business there.

The summaries, in what I call a "Wildfeed," will probably be done in late summer or early fall, after I've finished an hour-long spec. They will no doubt be detailed -- I want them to be good! Also, they will reveal that the Driven Wild Universe is meant to end on an upbeat note, in contrast to the somberness that has pervaded the last few fics.

A part of me really is not happy about retirement. The Driven Wild Universe has arched so beautifully in its "season," better than I expected, that I would love to see how it ends as much as you. Plus, I love working with the characters. It's sad to think that I'll never get to work with Helen, Quinn, Daria, Amy, or any of the others again. Though I'm sure variations will show up in my own writings.

Another reason I have is more cynical. I've seen enough authors "leave the stage" that I've got a good sense of what happens. Time passes, said author fades from the scene, his/her work from the minds of fanfic readers, who thirst for the "latest thing." The value of the work depreciates. I suppose that's inevitable for most bodies of work, but that doesn't make me feel better. Especially since I've spent much of my "career" rubbing up against fanfics of questionable taste and merit.

I was thinking of going on an extended rant about this subject, about how too many fanfic readers, including the ones who call themselves "respectable," prove that they have nothing over the Average Joe when it comes to their preferences. And it's because of their lazy attitude toward entertainment that crap like "Temptation Island" or its rip-offs linger on the air, while quality fare gets cancelled before the season ends. But I think I'll save that for an essay on the subject, since it's too hard to elaborate in a postscript. Besides, I don't feel like incurring anyone's wrath right now, since you still have to read through so much more to get to the end.

Suffice it to say, it will be a whole new experience to step out of the nest of fanfiction, into the wider world of LaLa Land, where writing spec scripts and searching for an agent is an art form in and of itself. I have a lot to learn, and I won't say that I'm not slightly intimidated. At least I don't intend to leave "Daria" fandom. It excites me to see the way we've all stayed loyal to this show, to the extent where we actually have an impact on the way it gets marketed to the general public. (See Alan Benard's DVDaria site.) I feel quite certain that if I do decide to write the last two DWU fics, there will be a fandom out there to read it. Maybe not the same fandom, but still, a group of fans that likes the show, and that's really all that matters.

Now on to actual commentary about "Memory Road"...

One thing I've noticed about character-driven dramedic series, like "Neon Genesis: Evangelion" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," is that they reach a point where the humor gets stripped away and everything turns dark. The dark themes lurking within the humorous framework stop being subtext and become the text. Once the dark themes are worked through in some way, the humor returns, though not with the same innocence as before.

The Driven Wild Universe follows this pattern, with Episodes 18-20 probably its darkest. There will be some, I'm sure, who have mourned the lack of funny and claim that I should have tried harder. Interestingly enough, that sounds like the same complaints many fans of the above shows had about their dark periods ("Buffy": Season 6, "Eva": Episodes 23-26). Yet if you read through these DWU fics, you realize that there are several quippy lines, just in the context they don't resonate as much. These lines don't serve to cut the tension, or create belly laughs. Which brings me to my point: sometimes humor doesn't need to be funny. Sometimes funny humor is counter-productive. In a dramedy, humor often masks darker themes, and needs to be pushed aside in order to deal with them. Then why are the quippy lines still there? To show that the characters have maintained a shred of perspective, that they haven't become mushy- minded angst balls.

Of course it would be easy to charge that characters in "Memory Road," especially Amy and Daria, have lost their usual perspective because they dole out fewer quips. And it's true. Amy and Daria are so used to ironic detachment, to having perspective on everything, that any "wallowing in the mud" is bound to have an effect on them. In "Memory Road," they are forced to confront their emotions and their problems in a way that they never have before, and face-saving sarcasm will not help them. That does not mean they are no longer the same characters, or that they will never return to form; it just means that, for now, they are showing a different side of themselves. I will go over that more in a bit.

Helen, Amy, and Jake

I have no doubt that few of the characters, especially Helen, Amy, and Jake, came across as likeable. It's been interesting to note my beta-readers' reactions to their behavior. Many thought Helen was in denial until the very end. Some understood the reasons for the split, others thought the logic behind it was weak and it would spell doom. Some thought it was Helen's fault; some thought it was her and Jake's fault equally. A couple were very hard on Amy. I was not surprised by the responses, since I knew the behavior in this fic was messy and controversial. While none of the characters had malicious intentions, you could not call them admirable, either.

The characters' weaknesses do not reflect any hostility I feel toward them. (Well, maybe Jake, but any weakness I give him is an improvement.) Helen is still my favorite character. Amy would be my Mary Sue if she weren't a pre-existing character and were, well, perfect. The characters are so weak and flawed because I love them so much. I want them to let it all hang out, because I trust they can come back from anything.

Helen: In "An Uneasy Marriage," Greg tells Jake: "There's a lot of fear in that woman. A lot of pain and anger that she just doesn't reveal." "All But Forgotten" and "Memory Road" represent the first time Helen has attempted to deal with these emotions, often reluctantly. What she is finding is how deep her anxiety goes, how lengthy a history it has. She realizes how powerless it made her in the past, and that her present efforts to squelch it have brought nothing but trouble. At the same time, she does not quite know how to cope with it. Helen, by the end, is struggling to find what she really needs and balance it with the needs of her family. She does not know if her and Jake's split was the best thing for them; she can only guess.

Jake may have been the one who'd borne the brunt of Daria and Quinn's rage in this fic, but don't think Helen will get off easily. She will be the parent living with them during the split, subject to their cold shoulders and open resentment.

Amy: As I said, this is probably the least ironic she has ever been in the DWU, and possibly in all of fanfiction. (Barring those weepers where Amy turns out to be Daria's mother.) She sees her alone time with Helen as a rare opportunity to spill her guts, and thus is more candid and emotional than she's used to being. When confronted by Joel, after her evasion maneuvers lead nowhere, Amy is forced to be even more candid. It doesn't mean that Quippy Amy will never return, or that I have forgotten how to write funny lines.

My belief that Quippy Amy is mostly the product of fan fiction, anyway, not the show itself. In "I Don't," her quips were amusing, but how could you not be funny in that type of situation? In "Through a Lens Darkly," she was more frank than quippy, though she did get in some good lines: "Well you're already going to hell..." In "Aunt Nauseam," however, I will go so far as to say she was un-quippy. The only lines I remember are the ones where she tells Daria to let Tom in emotionally, and when she gets in a brou-haha with her sisters. Both times, these lines were sharp, but not funny. In fact, I will go so far as to say the Daria Rule applies to Amy as much as her "favorite niece": In a funny situation, she is funny, but in a serious situation, she isn't. Although I'll make one exception for when Amy is around Daria. Since Daria is usually so serious, it would be hard not to seem lighter-hearted by comparison.

Also I will say, and people may charge otherwise, that in this fic, Amy really did not intend to break up Helen and Jake's marriage. She just wanted Helen to be honest about her feelings toward Greg. However, that honesty could have driven Helen toward a break-up, a fact that Amy did her best to ignore because she was so eager for Helen to point the way toward her own salvation. Helen has a right to be angry at her sister for her motives, though the only real damage Amy has done is force her to admit to things that were already there.

For final clarification: in the DWU, Helen is ten years older than Amy. (On the show, it is undetermined.) At ten to twelve years old, she would have been old enough to change diapers on occasion and have faintly maternal feelings toward her baby sis. Helen and Amy's "closeness" probably would have been in place for the first six or seven years of Amy's life, until teenage Helen started to pull away.

Jake: Some (Hi, KnightHawke!) have charged that I have made Helen look worse and Jake look better in my continuum. And so I have. To me, Wise Empathetic Helen and Cartoon Jake from the show are so grossly mismatched, they have no right to still be married. Therefore, in my continuum I've taken pains to make both of them more human, giving more yang to Helen and more yin to Jake. As I've stated above, I am not looking to punish one and reward the other. Yes, Helen from the show strikes me as rather smug, full of questionable assumptions that I have poked holes in with my fanfics, but it's because she's so blind and complicated that I love her. Jake, on the other hand, is a nasty doofus no matter how I try to dress him up. Even though he may come across as more hapless and sympathetic in this fic, I blame him equally for the split.

Helen kissed Greg first, but Jake didn't know that when he started doing his own thing and when he met "the other woman." He noted that she was distant, but did not try to find out what was wrong before he pulled away (as he laments in Act Two).

If his admission that he met "someone" seems rather sudden, it's meant to, just like Daria and Quinn's discovery that he teaches classes. It's both a way to capitalize on suspense, and to make the readers feel what Daria and Quinn must be feeling. It isn't because I wanted to let Helen off the hook for kissing Greg. I had always planned for there to be an extra, not-so-nice twist to Jake's secret life. What stumped me was exactly what kind of twist. Making him gay would be too horribly cliche and go against what we know of his character. Anything else seemed unseemly and corrupt. Finally I went with the tried-and-true secret affair, thinking that then Daria could express righteous anger over the fact that Jake made them worry more by not telling them, and for no good reason other than, of course, his own fear.

Basically, Jake's reasons for not telling his daughters about the teaching were true (i.e. their poor attitude toward teachers), except for the quasi would-be affair. That was unmentioned because Jake didn't want to believe it was an affair. He just wanted to think he was having a nice time with a nice woman who liked him, and that it would not affect his home life in any way. Jake really does love Helen, just as she loves him, and he wouldn't want to hurt her so badly by admitting an affair. If Helen hadn't urged him to be honest about his feelings, Jake probably would have stayed to work things out. Even so, his love is based more on habit and history than on feeling like he and Helen have things in common, and he knows that taking a step further with this woman might bring him satisfaction that has thus far eluded him.

Of course, there's the problem of how this would affect his daughters. I can see Jake guiltily assuring them at every turn: "No matter what, girls, ol' Dad's always gonna love you! I'll always be there for you!" To which Daria and Quinn would respond with well-earned cynicism.

Daria and Quinn

Daria: Like Amy, she is very unsarcastic, her least sarcastic since "In Her Own Words." I'm actually surprised more people didn't give me a hard time for that fic. But maybe it's because Daria had a starring role, whereas GASP she doesn't in this one. In any case, Daria's more direct speech in "Memory Road" is the result of her realizing that she has to confront what she has been trying to avoid since "In Her Own Words," that she has to draw upon whatever sharp, unyielding reporter qualities she has -- the qualities she used to seek out Vince and confront Damien -- to get the answers she needs. She will find herself growing more comfortable with this role, if never completely comfortable. Certainly her confrontation with Jake represented her most painful outing. Quippy sarcastic Daria will return, however, if I ever write the last two. Though because of some of the dramatic material left to resolve, neither of the fics will be rip- roaring hilarity.

Quinn: Like Helen, she exists in a state of partial denial in this episode, telling herself that everything can be fixed if she helps Jake work at it. However, unlike Helen, Quinn was not partially at fault for the marital rift, and thus was probably the most badly burned character in this episode. What hurts most is that Quinn has such great faith in her "doer" qualities, she never thought that they wouldn't be enough, and feels that Jake, in a sense, subverted them by not admitting sooner that he was seeing someone. On a more positive note, Quinn feels closer to Daria now than she ever has in the DWU, and possibly the series. For Daria to "betray" that trust could have major consequences...

Frankly, I don't know if I wrote Daria and Quinn as overreacting or underreacting to Jake's news, or to their parents' split. Those scenes were definitely some of the more challenging to write. In the last scene, I wanted to give the sense that Daria and Quinn were in pain, and that Daria was doing her best to cope with an absolutely horrible situation. Hopefully, it read well.

Daria on Quinn's intelligence: I meant for her attitude in these fics to tie in with how she feels toward Quinn in the regular series. In the regular series, Quinn starts to show hints of real intelligence in "Is It Fall Yet?" and episodes of Season Five. Especially "Lucky Strike," the episode in which Daria subs for Quinn's English class (a plot with holes you could drive a truck through). Quinn discovers she actually knows Shakespeare and can analyze it effectively on an essay test Daria gives. Daria rewards her with a B+ and hints that Quinn was a good student who made her teaching effort worthwhile. So on the surface, this would seem to clash with Daria's reaction to Quinn's intelligence in the DWU. Except...

Quinn in the series never showed the level of excellence in a school related subject the way she shows in the DWU. Therefore Daria never had the chance to feel threatened, never had to figure out how to live with it. Even though Daria makes some promising strides in "Memory Road," she still will have a hard time accepting Quinn's intelligence, an issue that can be exploited. I've always wondered why Daria in "Lucky Strike" never gave Quinn an A-...

Final Thoughts

Firstly, is Amy preggers? In a word, yes. By the end of the fic, she still doesn't know (or else she wouldn't have chugged a beer with dinner in "All But Forgotten"!). I will not cop out and say that her emotional outbursts were the result of mood swings. I also did not make her pregnant to cause more tension between her and Joel. Joel will be pleased by the news, and Amy, herself, will be happier than she would have expected. And I did not make her pregnant as a way of saying that the only healthy, progressive relationships are the ones that yield children. Amy is just pregnant. It will be a major change she'll have to adjust to in her life, nothing more.

Frankly, I'm shocked there are no fanfics in which Amy has a baby who isn't Daria. Or Quinn. Or Jane. Or any other pre-existing Lawndalite.

I cut the tag I planned originally, where Amy learns that she's pregnant, because I felt like it took away from the somber, sensitive Daria and Quinn moment. Even so, I would have brought it up in one of the final episodes. I see a conversation between Amy and Daria on the phone, where Daria quips with disbelief: "You? A mother?" I also see Helen counseling Amy in another phone call about what to expect, offering all sorts of unsolicited advice. I was somewhat disappointed about cutting the tag in one respect: it would have been a great bookend for the episode. The episode opens with a flashback of Helen worrying about the yet unborn Amy. It ends with a flash-forward, where Amy is now pregnant and wondering about the future.

If I could do it all over again: I would add some more breadth to the relationships in each fanfic in the Helen/Amy arc. Like in TTTC, I might mention somewhere that Amy and Helen had had a close relationship when they were very young, before they could relate to each other as people. I might also change Amy's initial behavior regarding Joel; hiding him from the family seems a little juvenile. I'm very tempted to go back and tinker, but a part of me wants to leave things as is, to show the maturation of the story over time. It really is a case of the story growing and growing inside my head, once the seed was planted. Besides, real T.V. shows don't have the luxury of going back, although I'm sure many wish they could.

Even though this technically isn't the last DWU of the series, it is the last to feature Amy in a prominent role or significant Helen/Amy interaction. One of my beta-readers felt that their relationship troubles had been solved too neatly, that there ought to be a sign of future discord. Here's how I see it: by the end, Helen and Amy are so damn tired of fighting, and recognize that the Morgendorffer family problems supersede their own differences, that they call a truce -- not unlike the one Daria and Quinn called before they confronted Jake. That does not mean they will never have problems again, or that they won't deal with the messy issues that were brought up in their fight ending Act Two. As I said, "Just because you don't see a flame, don't assume there's no fire." One difference, though, is that I think Helen and Amy will be much more willing to discuss it than to beat around the bush and then get into an argument. If there were a Driven Wild Universe Season Two, I think we would see more fun scenes between the Barksdale sisters, a la their creaming of Upchuck and the humiliation of Linda Griffin in "The Tie That Chokes." Less angst, more hanging out. Or hell, maybe Season Two would be The Year of Getting to Know Rita, which would mean a new source of angst! But I hope not... I could use a little more fun.

I'll tell you, though I'm sure you guessed, that writing this fic took a lot out of me. More than 20 pages longer than the second- longest ("In Her Own Words") and emotion, emotion, emotion that I had to play right without going overboard. Many times I struggled with the structure, with just how to weave the Helen/Amy/Joel plotline around the Daria/Quinn/Jake one. Let's put it this way: Act One of "All But Forgotten" took me two days to write. Act One of "Memory Road" took three re-writes. The Helen and Amy fight ending Act Two set a record, taking me two weeks to write. There were so many issues I wanted to touch on and the whole thing seemed to jump all over the place at first. By the end, I was tired of the angst, tired of seeing Helen and Amy bitch, and feeling sad that this did not have a happy ending. Nonetheless, I am pleased with this effort.

Points of Interest

Chronology of the Driven Wild Universe: Don't even try to figure it out. I stopped thinking about which month or year a certain fic took place in a long time ago. Although "Of Absolute Value" states that Quinn is a sophomore, I think it's safe to say she's a junior now, and that Daria is a senior, like on the show. It's hardly a stretch, given that they get the same teachers every year. Meanwhile, Amy and Joel have lived together for at least six months -- enough time for them to get together, for everything to be great ("Erin the Head"), for them to visit Grandma Barksdale, and for Amy to fall into a rut. Also, I believe the year Daria graduated in "Is It College Yet?" was 2000, yet here I've tossed in a couple of references to 2001-2002 -- "The Osbournes" and Tivo. Go figure.

Half and Half: When I wrote the "None in the Family" two-parter, I wrote a draft of the second half before I polished up the first half and sent it out. With "All But Forgotten"/"Memory Road," I wrote the first half and sent it out, while having vague ideas about where to go in the second half. Some things I knew for certain: Helen and Amy would have a huge fight, Daria and Quinn would learn about a twist to Jake's private life, that Helen and Jake might split up, and there would be tenderness and tears galore by the end. However, a part of me wishes I had written the draft for "Memory Road" before releasing "All But Forgotten" -- first, because I wouldn't have gotten into this mess of releasing a second part months and months after the first part. Second, because I could have worked up the hints in the first part more: the "object" that Helen sees in Act One of ABF that makes her decide to stay at Amy's longer, the nature of the "clinic" that Joel and Amy refer to in ABF, that Jake could have something more going on than he suggests to Daria and Quinn in ABF Act Three. Because I couldn't go back and do that, this doesn't feel like as seamless a two-parter as NITF.

Allusions to the Episodes: The "Academic Imprisonment" essay was from "Quinn the Brain." The town "[bursting] into song when the weather fluctuates" was from "Daria! (The Musical)." And the "travesty that was Erin's wedding" was, of course, from "I Don't."

Daria's Recap at the Beginning: Daria's recap was meant to be a spoof of some of the "Previously"s we see on T.V. shows, where they recount EVERY SINGLE PLOT POINT that's gone on since the show began. Most guilty: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Also, it was an excuse to remind people who either haven't read all of the DWUs, or haven't read them for a while, what has happened.

Smile vs. Smirk: If you haven't noticed, Amy is shown as "smiling" much more in this two-parter than in past fics, which had her "smirking." It represents emotional barriers that are starting to come down, especially around Joel and Helen. But you guessed that already, didn't you?

Amy/Jake Parallels?: Amy's rage about her father brought her perilously close to Jake/Mad Dog territory. Yet I would say Amy is different in a couple of key ways. First, she did not spend her adult life actively resenting her father. While she was never on the best of terms with him, she did not feel any sort of real rage until "None in the Family." Once that rage was uncorked, she started thinking about it more and more. However -- and this is a second key point -- she knows better than to blame her father for what she lacks as an adult. Yes, there is the scene ending Act Two where she does, but mostly because she is hurt and angry at the time. When she thinks about it later, she places the blame on her own shoulders.

Four-letter words: The original draft of "Memory Road" had two mentions of the infamous f-word and a couple more of the less-infamous a-h word. Beta-readers immediately picked up on that and started making "Hmmm" noises, so I cut back a little. But I left in one use of the f-word, when Amy is talking with Joel in Act Three. My reasons for strong language, whereas before the strongest language within the DWU was PG-13? The way I see it, it's not Daria and Jane talking in the hallway, or Kevin and Brittany in O'Neill's class. It's Amy and Joel, who are as close to an HBO couple as there is in this series. On HBO programs, the characters use all kinds of language with ease. Amy and Joel's swearing is my way of saying "You're not in Kansas, anymore." Helen's visit to their place represents a sort of cross-over into a different environment, even a different show. At the same time, Amy's angry response to Joel does not seem too different from Daria's "Screw you!" to Tom in "Is It College Yet?" The vehemence of Amy's response reveals how shocked and insulted she was by Joel's assumption that she planned to kick him out.

"Just you and your father": I just wanted to clear up a potential Oops. Amy mentions in Part One that Joel has a brother; what happened was that when his parents split, his brother went to live with his mother and he stayed with his father. The line of dialogue explaining that got cut from this fic.

Anne: I think John Takis came up with this middle name for "A Mother in Spite of Herself." And I think I gave him credit in "The Age of Cynicism." However, since I never finished that fic, I think it's best that I repeat the gesture.

Princeton grad: You know I almost thought of listing Amy's alma mater as Crestmore. But then I thought: Hey, maybe the Eichler team likes to make up place names, but that doesn't mean I have to.

"another show with my name in the title...": Another reference to "Abruptly Amy." I can't help it; it's so much fun to cross the two shows over! ; > But then again, it could also be a reference to the dreadful "Judging Amy."

"All-Girl Punk Band": Amy's reference to the band she joined during her "piss off [her] parents as much as possible" college phase is a shout-out to Invisigoth Gypsy for her fanfic "Silver Goddess." "Silver Goddess" is one of the few fics starring Amy that actually gives her an identity apart from Daria. I changed the type of music from Bangles to punk because I suspect Amy attended college in the early 80's.

"Red Spitfire Instead of a Black One": Thank you, D.T. Dey, for discovering that Amy's red baby is a Triumph Spitfire. I probably would have guessed an Alfa Romeo.

Joel/Tom: Oh please, please tell me that Joel came across as marginally more interesting than Tom! I actually found Tom to be sort of interesting in "Is It College Yet?", but otherwise, they'd utterly failed to develop him. Joel probably seems like a bit of a cipher, but then again, "All But Forgotten" was the first episode where he had something approaching a major role.

"Giant Strawberry": As mentioned in the Daria Diaries and the Paperpusher's "Her Uh Cane," there really is a Big Strawberry in Lawndale. The part about it playing "Strawberry Fields Forever" was my addition. Since the strawberry is pictured as being away from the center of town, my belief is that Joel hadn't gone there yet before he ran into Tad Gupty.

Amy's Sarcastic Aunt: A lot of flashbacking, and no reference to Amy's Aunt Eleanor, a creation of C.E. Forman who has been adopted by several other fanfic authors. She was mentioned in "None in the Family" as someone whom Amy was close to when she was younger, who came between Amy and her mother. Why no mention? I just couldn't think of a way that didn't sound gratuitous. Plus, I feel odd about using fanfic authors' characters when said authors are no longer around. Plus, the time period that Amy and Helen refer to in this fic takes place over the first half-dozen or so of Amy's years, and the flashbacks in C.E.'s "Alienation Legacy" show Amy at about nine years old. The way I figure it, Amy didn't really grow close to her cynical aunt until Helen drifted away which caused Amy to become thoroughly alienated from her immediate family. See, I care about gratuitous continuity, people! ; >

Where art thou, Rita?: Adult Rita was a big no-show and barely mentioned in this two-parter. That was fitting, as the real conflict in this continuum has been between Helen and Amy. However, since Rita expressed resentment toward their bond in "None in the Family, Part Two," one wonders how she would have reacted to Helen's dash to Amy's place. I suspect not well. She would have been jealous, especially since she, Rita, is the one who understands marital crises, not the ne'er married Amy. I also think Helen and Amy would be too smart to tell her they met up. So instead, Rita will probably learn about Helen's split directly from Helen or, more likely, from their mother, and offer words that are both sympathetic and gloating.

And for the last Point of Interest, how could I resist? Thoughts on Daria Episode 510, "Aunt Nauseam":

Overall, I was disappointed with it. Once again, Amy shows up for all of three minutes... in the third act of the episode, no less. Almost nothing new is revealed about her and Rita, except for the fact that Amy read Russian novels and Rita's wedding was 6 months before Helen's and had a disco theme. There were some good moments, like when Helen calls Amy on her "No one ever paid attention to ME" lament, or when Amy gets drawn into the big fight, or when Rita says to Helen: "You couldn't make us look lazy enough! And you wanted encouragement to do more?", or when Daria slams the door on Tom, but anyway... I'd rather make a list of things I found lacking.

Amy, whaddey do to you?? Not only was her face drawn differently, but it's like they deliberately went out of their way to make her less youthful and attractive. Sandi voice Bulky sweater and sensible shoes? She must have suffered through some terrible illness to get so skinny. 

Something about her voice was strange, too. It lacked the lilt of her previous appearances. I suspect part of this was because Daria's own voice grew more deadpan over the last few seasons, but Amy's sounded too deadpan.

I worked so hard to make it seem like Amy had a life that wasn't just lying on the couch reading, waiting for Daria to call. Then, in her first appearance in over two years, what do they have her do?! 

Why would Amy drive all the way to Daria's house when a phone call to Helen and Rita could have worked just as well? For that matter, why would she even think her words would have an effect, given her history? I suspect she was just overcome by flattery that Daria wanted her help, but it still doesn't add up. 

The fighting was weak. Tired, even. After seeing Helen at the beginning of "I Don't," I expected screaming and tears. As for the resolution, when Daria and Quinn imitated their mother and aunts, it seemed pointless. Helen already knew how ridiculous the fighting was; the heart of the matter was why they continued to hurt each other, not that they looked foolish. 

Rita's excuse for staying at the Morgendorffer house was silly: weren't there any hotels near her residence? 

Daria and Quinn's reasons for sticking around the house were even sillier. Rita was only going to be there a week; hence the fighting would only last a week. Why this desire to moderate, unless they honestly believed that Helen and Rita would get violent? If not, it seems odd that neither pulled a Jake and went hiding out at a friend's for a week until the coast was clear. (And sheesh, Jake! It's bad enough you gave babies a bad name with your immature disappearing act, but don't you have any friends you could have stayed with??) 

Amy's advice for Daria to "let Tom in" seems rather odd now in light of the events of "Is It College Yet?". 

And the hugging? Eh. I didn't expect any part of "Aunt Nauseam" to have the heartfelt angst of this two-parter, but I never thought they would pull such a "Full House" maneuver. Things were only resolved in the most facile, shallow fashion, and on a show like "Daria," I would have expected if not better, at least a nod to the fact that things probably would not change between the Barksdales. Overall, the episode had too many filler subplots (Jake hiding out; the matching dress; Tom's concern; the Civil War parallels beaten over our heads) and not enough meat, and sort of just collapsed under its own weight. I expected the aunts would get a second chance in "Is It College Yet?", and was disappointed when none of Daria's extended family showed up for her graduation. Not even a gift or a card?

The "Daria" writers probably never saw Amy as anything more than a nifty plot device, a wink, wink; nudge, nudge to how much Daria and Quinn resembled their family. Her popularity and rise to mentor status probably took them by surprise. And given that they had no plans for Daria to remain stuck in her anti-social mode with someone of a similar type, they didn't really know what to do with Amy. They certainly didn't see her as a separate character in her own right, or even as someone who could serve as a cautionary tale for Daria. Instead, it was like: "Okay, the fans want to see her. Let's remind them that Amy isn't a savior and that Daria is mature enough to think for herself." Actually, that's what I find most amusing about "Aunt Nauseam": nowhere in the text of the series do we get the idea that Amy can "save the day." That notion was completely the result of fan speculation, so the writers were answering the fans through the events of the episode. See guys, we do matter!

Now time for The Mysteries Of

Let's make this Hollywood-themed. Okay, just how long would a "Daria" fic have to be to equal the size of a half-hour script?

It's difficult to say, because there are two types of scripts: one for single cameras ("Malcolm in the Middle") and ones for three cameras ("Friends," "Drew Carey"). The single camera scripts are single-spaced and are usually about 32 pages, while the three camera scripts are double-spaced, and in some cases in all capitals, for whatever reason. Those are usually around 45-50 pages. Plus, you factor in that real scripts have dialogue in the center, not running from left to right like our fic scripts.

I've found that I can fit more onto a page in a Microsoft Word text document than I can on a page of Final Draft Pro, the scriptwriting software. Therefore, a 30 page fic is longer than a 30 page script. I remember when I was trying to refurbish "Breaking the Mold" for a sitcom contest, I had to hack and hack and hack in order to get it within the minimal acceptable length -- and that one wasn't even my longest! So overall... I would guess that a fanfic script written in text would need to be around 60K to equal the size of a script. And that's maximum, I suspect, because producers like to read things that are as brief as possible. However, I regret to inform you that even the fics that most faithfully follow sitcom format would not be mistaken for a script if they were dropped in the street and found by a producer. ; > I know that used to be the fanfic writers' dream, and it disheartens me to burst that bubble.

Oops! 

Okay, so I was wrong! I said Phelps would not be referred to in #19 or #20, and he was referred to in both. What can I say? I love the man. ; >

I also ought to explain why Jake has not reacted more to Phelps, in spite of him knowing about some of his shifty dealings through DeMartino. It's mainly because Jake only knows about his school politics, not that he could be corrupting Quinn. If he suspected the latter... gah gah dammit!! Also, Jake tends to be just slightly self-absorbed and clueless on occasion.

A second oops: Daria calls Amy on her cell phone in Act Two of "All But Forgotten" to confirm that Helen is staying with her aunt. Daria mentions that she called Helen's work number several times and received no answer. Why didn't Daria try to call Helen on her cell phone? Actually, there is an explanation that makes sense. Helen could answer her cell phone from anywhere, whereas the work phone would confirm her location.

A mini-oops: In Act One of "All But Forgotten," Helen gets extremely distressed to see that she is on the Interstate instead of the merge leading to Downtown Lawndale. Yet in "An Uneasy Marriage," Jake rants about getting cut off while on the "interstate," like being on the Interstate is no big deal. My logic: maybe Jake needs to take that freeway to work (from "Daria!", we know that he does take a freeway), whereas Helen doesn't. Similar to how I have to take Interstate 5 to get to my sister's place, but not otherwise...

Acknowledgements

I don't normally use beta-readers, except when I want to see how what I wrote came across. Even then, I just want their reactions, not their suggestions. This time, anticipating that this could be my last fic and that it contained a development even more significant than in "Charge of the Math Brigade," I asked for some help. I got eleven volunteers, more than I'd ever expected. I think some thought that this was the last of the series, and so were eager to be a part of "history," as it were. Sorry to disappoint you.

Anyway, let me give thanks to my beta group: Brother Grimace, Chad Page, crusading saint, Galen Hardesty, Robert Nowall, Roger E. Moore, Steven Galloway, thea zara, Thomas, Warpedkjh13, and Wyvern. Your many, comments were extremely helpful, even if I didn't use all of them. Oh who am I kidding? They drove me nuts, people, NUTS! So many, so different, so sensible. You wanted to drive me insane, didn't you?? DIDN'T YOU?! Oh, and thanks again. ; >

Also, even though many of you have gone off to a better place (or just a different place), I'd like to thank the people who have offered me advice and encouragement on my fics over the past three years.

Wow, I can't believe I've reached the end of the postscript. It's about time. I feel as though I should play a song in honor of the occasion. How about the Beatles' "The Long and Winding Road..."

The long and winding road That leads to your door Will never disappear I've seen that road before It always leads me here Leads me to your door... 

Thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 2002. All rights reserved. 


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